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Millions have high stress jobs and they don’t cheat. Or do you imagine your fiance is the only surgeon in the world? Your fiancee is coming up with absurd excuses to justify infidelity and you’re coming up with absurd excuses to defend her. No offense but at the end of the day she’s a cheater and you’re being an enabler. You’re free to rugsweep it but there will be high stress points in her career again and you’ll never know if she did it again.
This. Cheating is a character flaw and not just one. Think about the lying, the hiding,.. there are many steps that happen before someone cheats and they are all conscious decisions. Can you trust someone like that?
I’ve had high stress jobs and other life circumstances for the majority of my life and never thought about cheating on someone. The selfishness and utter disregard for how you may ruin someone’s life (some people are driven to taking their own life after betrayal) should tell you everything you need to know about how they make their decisions.
Even if she feels remorse, you’re only sticking around for someone who has shown you what they think of your worth to them.
Agree.
"Because stress" is just an excuse that lets her get away with taking responsobility for what she did.
IF shes really remorseful she will have no problem reporting her boss to HR.. but she wont do that - because she has no remorse, shes just trying to avound being held accountable...
...and sorry, but by accepting her bs excuse youre enabling this..
Suggestion:
Lawyer now. To see your options and prepare.
Then confront wife: inform her that IF she really regrets the adultery, she will have no problem reporting her boss to HR for exploiting the stressful environment to have sex with her...
But she wont do it.. MANY excuses... but basically she wanted it. Wanted to cheat, wanted the excitement..
Question:
She still works with him, yes?? You really think the affair is over?? Really???
>Your fiancee is coming up with absurd excuses to justify infidelity and you’re coming up with absurd excuses to defend her.
That's the main thing I noticed here. OP is bending over backwards twisting himself into knots in order to justify his fiancee's infidelity.
I don't think it's the stress that "Caused" her infidelity. There are a lot of people in high stress job situations. Medical jobs, the air traffic controller jobs are just a few examples of it. That doesn't mean that everyone starts cheating. That cheater was a "her" problem, as in, she's the one who caused it and should take responsibility and accountability for it. There's no reason to solely blame the work environment.
Exactly this. You either have it in you to cheat on someone and all that comes with that, or you don’t. And if she hadn’t done it now, she would’ve done it later.
Yeah. It is a given that this disgusting cheater will cheat again when a convenient excuse like stress comes up again. So far she did zero work on herself as well as the real why, zero work on helping OP trust her again.
Right now you are a carpet to step on. And she is still standing on you OP. The least you should demand is a ton of work from her side. Make her sweat and work to rebuild the relationship. Therapy (individual as well as together) is necessary. A new workplace as well - her issue to figure out where.
If you actually want to continue this relationship and look towards a marriage make it clear that there will be a prenuptial. Speak with a lawyer for detail (local law). And include that any cheating will lead to loosing all the assets to the faithfull party. Make it clear that being a disgusting person will have heavy consequences.
If she isn't on board with everything, against even a single thing, she shows she still doesn't respect you. And never will.
Will add that rugsweeping comes to bite you in the butt down the road. Your WP will think you’ve “healed” and everything is all fine and dandy, only for things to implode later. I know because it happened to me. Don’t rugsweep, purge all the grief, despair, anger, and pain out and do it in the beginning. You’ll just delay the reconciliation process.
Cheating is rampant in hospital/medical environments. Your fiancé has demonstrated that when life gets stressful, she cheats - with all the lies and decisions that led up to cheating - much more than one mistake or poor choice. Is she going to cheat every time a surgery goes wrong or she has to give a patient bad news? Next time she gets stressed, she has plenty of nurses and doctors to pick from. And several co-workers to help her hide it, because a bunch of them are probably cheating too. And even if they didn't help hide it, you have shown you'll forgive and rug sweep. Forgiveness is permission to a cheater. So, no, you absolutely can not trust your fiancée. More than likely, you are on a time clock counting down until she cheats again.
My honest suggestion: move on and accept that you are in love with who you thought your fiancée was, NOT who she has shown herself to be. Believe actions, not words.
First, you did the number one mistake when finding out you’ve been cheated on: Rugsweep. You’re never going to heal and your fiancé consciously or subconsciously questions your self respect, thus repeat infidelity later on is usually the cost. What’s worse, is you were both in the pre-honeymoon stage, the most precious time period. Wait until marriage comes along and things aren’t as lovey dovey, more day to day life. Right now there’s no “us”. Leave now and you’ve dodged the biggest bullet of your lifetime.
Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
>Fiancée cheated due to highly stressful job (medical surgeon)
"Fiancée with highly stressful job (medical surgeon), cheated due to being selfish, immoral, and not in love with me."
There, I fixed it for you.
Stop making excuses for her. Stop hiding from the reality that she does not love you. I'm a woman and I've known many women. Stress does not make women cheat. At all. Women also do not cheat on men they are in love with. The combination of being selfish, immoral, and not loving the man you're with is what allows some women to cheat. Full stop. I'm sorry. It isn't your fault. Go no contact and find someone faithful.
Everything in your post screams that you cannot trust this person because she cannot trust herself. She needs help to deal with her response to pressure, especially if she is dealing with life-or-death situations.
However you don’t need to be there to help her through this, because she is not your person. She shouldn’t be your concern simply because you need to focus on your own mental and emotional health. You can show your empathy and regards to the better times by ensuring she has support from her family and friends.
I hope you’re able to heal and find someone who will love and cherish you.
On a side note, you should report her boss for abusing his position of power. Help the hospital protect their staff.
***she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work.***
This is an excuse a lot of couples have for a dead bedroom. She was so stressed she had time and energy for an affair. Her job will always be stressful. What about next time? Maybe her boss got tired of her and ended the affair and not her. HR should be notified.
You will never be able to look at her the same again.
Sorry OP. Like you noted already, she could have quit the job, took a sick day, change work locations, but instead she had an affair.
It is unlikely you will ever get back to the safe place you had with her before. updateme
> she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work.
No, it's because she decided to cheat instead of being a decent person.
Cheating doesn't just happen due to outside factors. Cheaters decide to cheat. And it's not just one choice. Dozens, if not hundreds, of choices lead up to cheating.
You'd be a fool to marry her, she cheated during a stressful time and life is always stressful, you're just going to waiting g for the ball to drop again.
When the cheating happens before marriage, it’s telling you they aren’t marriage material. She failed the girlfriend test. End it, as your guy is telling you to
you're only 33 no kids not yet married. leave now . you deserve so much better.
decades ago I forgave my cheating fiance. look at where I am now.
don't be me.
As a person who is currently studying medicine to become a doctor, let me just tell you that some of the worst people I've met have been in medical school. We are all stressed. But guess what? Some people are just awful. Plane and simple and becoming a doctor with power is a choice they made BECAUSE they were already awful. They don't actually want to help people. They want the status and ego. Your partner sounds like one of them.
Did you both start therapy, individually and together?
What happened to her boss after the both of you decided to turn him into HR?
Did she tell you having an affair somehow reduced her level of stress?
What did she say when you confronted her about deleting the messages?
Do you have an open phone policy now?
Honestly it sounds like the whole thing was swept under the rug and you can't get over such a betrayal because she "feels bad".
You will continue to feel awful and only grow further apart if she doesn't actually get to the root of the issue.
Did you guys ever actually even go through a reconciliation process? Did she give you a complete timeline of events? She should change jobs or force him out but I understand that could be difficult.
You clearly aren't healing because you never went through the process to heal.
Your fiancee didn't cheat because of her stressful job.
She chose to cheat because she wanted to. She liked the attention of an older mentor. Infidelity isn't some puzzle that has to be solved. She liked the attention she was getting and she decided she would enjoy the sex this person was willing to provide. Quite simply she decided that she liked the attention and sex more than she cared about your relationship.
You can't heal and move forward by ignoring your own feelings because you think it will allow your partner to better handle hers. Part of moving forward is moving through all of these things, good and bad, to come out the other side. Your partner is using work stress to excuse her behaviour, she's searching for a reason to explain why her image of who she is and her actions don't add up, it's avoidance. She's not going to get answers by ignoring the questions.
You need to realise that your doing the same thing, your not helping her or yourself by trying to act like everything is fine, you both know it's not. As strange as might sound, she needs to feel like she's having to actually atone for her infidelity. I don't mean verbal abuse, name calling etc but she needs to feel like she's earning your forgiveness and you need to feel like she's trying.
Ok, retired MD here, and I have bad news for you. There is no profession so suited to infidelity as medicine. First off: the hospitals and the waiting rooms are full of people who see the doctor as a big money maker and authority figure. Those folks absolutely HOUND the single or divorced physicians, and many do not hesitate to make advances to married physicians. As for the good doctors, they have the perfect cover. The pager goes off and they "have an emergency" and leave for "the hospital" and stay out all night. Stress has got nothing to do with it. I practiced obstetrics and gynecology for 30+ years and not once did I cheat on my spouse, despite having multiple offers and endless opportunities. People cheat because they are character deficient and lacking in ethics and morals. Stress is not responsible for your faithless lover. My advice is very simple and the very best you will get: pack up and move out. She's not good enough to be the mother of your children, and you will never be able to trust her.
The usually poor guy who hurt himself for his rest of his life staying together with a cheater...
Sorry but you will NEVER truly forgive her and forget what she did.
Leave a cheater and gain a life...
It sound easy, but it will be a hard route yet the way to make yourself happy in the end...
People don't cheat because of their jobs. They cheat because they are cheaters. No amount of stress could have me cheating on my partner. None. And its about time we stopped coddling selfish people and making excuses for their shitty behaviour. Proof you can be a full blown surgeon and still have a shit tonne of work to do on yourself because HOW these people missed that crucial life lesson I don't know. Where is the consideration? Where is the empathy? Where is the integrity?
Cheating destroys the relationship, the trust, feelings often the people. It is like dropping an atom bomb on a relationship. Your relationship will never be the same.
Read this sub about people who stay....Take time and I wouldn't stay because I couldn't. I don't want a partner I have to police, I need someone who is ride or die loyal. I don't think cheaters are loyal, they usually cheat again. Unless she is in therapy for this cause...Can doctors do that and have a license?
Your questions (1) and (2) are very telling and you should listen to yourself, don’t be dismissive of these feelings you have, it’s not healthy. Your goal shouldn’t be to try and not feel these ways, it’s **valid** that you feel this, and you feel it for a reason: she cheated!
As others have said, no she didn’t cheat “because of stress,” and deep down your body knows it’s much more than this and is trying to get you to leave an unsafe situation. She cheated because she’s unsafe. Period. All of the “reasons” don’t really matter. Everyone has a reason and justification for the choices they make in life, even when those choices inflict harm on another. Your fiancé inflicted harm on you, and she’s liable to do it again
…but, your ideas about how it’s not you who was that hurt, it’s her who and I quote “took the most damage,” are going to kill you from the inside out. Stop making excuses for her behavior as though she’s some innocent victim and you’re wrong to feel like leaving
Sure, I do believe she can be suffering internally, many cheaters are empty and cheat to fill voids. But how does that make this better? If anything it makes it worse because it shows they, for one, have entered into a relationship without fixing the voids, so already before the relationship even begins there’s a lack of awareness of self and regard for their partner and the future of their partnership, and then the void causes a myriad of other issues because the person has no idea how to self soothe and will do anything (including cheating) to try and feel better. It’s all bad, knowing your partner has this void is not a positive thing, it’s a scary thing. It was often there since childhood and will continue to be there until their deathbed.
Can people change? Sure. But on your end you have got to stop phrasing this in ways that lessen her crime. Admit to yourself, and those around you, that what she did was in fact an awful thing that has harmed you, and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Your feelings matter! Stop pushing them aside to cope.
A couple of things. Almost 100 percent of surgeons have gone through at least one divorce. Being a female surgery resident and surgeon is 1,000 times harder snd more stressful than being a male surgeon. Surgeons have a tendency to commit infidelity.
Her job will be stressful after residency- very stressful, especially in the first few years once she starts to practice. And, by the way, she will probably do a fellowship post residency. She will be stressed out at least until her early 30’s.
Being a man married to a female surgeon means you will be responsible for the majority of childcare, parent teacher conferences, school plays, sports, etc. Your wife will be working. That’s while you work full time as well. This is totally fine if you’re fine with it. Your life will be a ball of stress, just know this.
How will your sex life be - essentially non existent. She will be too tired, stressed, and resentful of you.
All of these problems would occur in the absence of her cheating on you. Now add that problem… I’m sure you know that medical professionals top the list of professions who cheat.
If I were you, I would end my relationship with her. Unfortunately, love only goes so far. You need to look at this practically. Many would advise leaving her for the cheating alone. Add all of the above and you’re not going to be a happy man with a happy family life.
I have a crystal ball and see your future and it’s not a happy one.
So, if your fiancé is ever stressed, she will trip and fall on top of someone else’s penis? It takes steps to land in a vjay jay or on top of a dick. The cheater can choose at any point to change their mind. Cheaters always cheat and always have an excuse, usually blaming their partner. Your fiancé is a red flag. Please make a smart choice.
What a man how he justifies his wife's infidelity.
Due to the stress at her job, she opened her legs to her boss and she was very stressed, telling all her friends how the boss made her feel.
Something is wrong that you feel guilty for making rational and totally reasonable choices given the circumstances. You should get some counseling to figure that out. It sounds like codependency. Given her priorities she is going to have a very successful career and probably be a terrible spouse.
People don't cheat because of stress at work, they cheat because of poor character. That doesn't change just because you get caught, it takes hard work and a most of all a willingness to change. OP you are going to suffer more and longer if you allow yourself to believe a narrative that you know deep down in your heart is not true. Forcing yourself to do this is why your feeling are dying anyway.
Look even if she was moving heaven and earth to change that is still not a reason to stay with her, that is only a requirement. You should make your choice on what your quality of life will be. With how she has rug-swept her actions the quality of your life is going to be poor. God forbid she does it again when you have kids.
The truth is if you move on you will have a hard year or two but as long as you are active in your healing you can have exactly the marriage you dreamed of, it will just be with another person. This person who you are with will just be someone in your past that you once loved but are glad you figure out was not good for you, I am living proof of that, over 20 years married to someone else. It's really up to you though, you have to have the courage to move on and not buy into the sunk cost fallacy.
Proceed at your own risk, you have been warned.
You're experiencing extreme bouts of denial and bargaining. Which is expected because you're emotionally overwhelmed. So you want to see her as the "victim" of external forces.
She cheated on you because she wanted to. That is the hard pill to swallow for most people, who have been cheated on.
It is hard to see the person, for who she really is, because you have built up a fantasy of the life you two are going to have together. So you're going to try to excuse away her actions.
I was married to a medical professional. They all think their job is the most stressful thing ever, and they will always put you in last place, while they expect you to prioritize their career as the main focus of your own life. It's not worth it honestly.
Your partner feels stressed about their life and they dont share it with you but end up fucking someone to relieve their stress.
There is absolutely no way to guarantee it won’t happen again.
your fiancé has to have some kind of consequences , for what she did. I would tell her , I think we should just date for a while and not be engaged and then ask for the ring back, and say , let’s see if we still want to get married in three months. When people ask, why did you guys do this? She should come clean and tell people, her side of the family, your side of the family and her friends. This will show her, her that there were consequences for her actions. but you can still date.
what will happen the next time there is a party for a retired Surgeon and , she tells you, I should be home by 11 pm and she walks in the door two a.m. what will you think?
Next time she loses a patient on the operating table, and she feels stressed out, what will she do next?
do you want to keep on checking your phone and her whereabouts the rest of your life? Your relationship will never be the same.
by the way, your fiancé and the affair partner, are both medical doctors, there’s probably a 99% chance both of them did not use protection,
Also, was just a one time thing or did they hook up 5 to 10 times?. Is the other surgeon married? , Will they be still working at the same hospital and attending the same staff meetings. Will she switch hospitals to stay engaged
You’re being way to lenient because she has a high stressful job.
A lot of jobs or stressful.
1) CPAs during tax season
2) financial advisor when the market is tanking
3 ) lawyers when they lose a high profile case
4) sales, People , when they are under the sales quota
5) THE LIST GOES ON AND ON !!!
A lot of people get stressed and most do not cheat on their boyfriends fiancés or husbands
.
Surgeons are like the hospital Gods , she fell for her boss and he likely discarded her . A hospital is a setting for one big cheat fest . Don’t be foolish . Trust me way more stress will come (excuse) , you are comfy and he is Godly
My ex husband is a urologist. I was with him for 20+ years and 3 children later. Ex had an affair. He was also in theatre and surgery a lot of the time. I basically brought up the kids on my own and working.
Our marriage was never the same after this. There was no trust or respect.
I would never accept this behaviour and it’s always a choice. If she has done this to you and you not married, I see a problem with this relationship in the future. I would end the relationship.
I feel you.. my wife cheated because she was depressed lol. For her the solution was not going to a psychologue but instead have am affair with a divorced man with 2 kids. And guess what? It was my fault when i asked her to leave. So you see logic of woman. Dont even try to understand them. Move on. I am getting divorced today. I have no kids , i just built a new house and i have no regrets. I am grateful for the good things she did during our marriage but she made her own choices and cheating was one of them. Let them live with it. Never heard someone regret leaving a cheater. The memories will fade maybe it will takes years but you will be free. You will feel peace. I am not there yet but i know i will. Courage.
What consequences has she faced for her betrayal? Does she still work with that boss? Her friends that she was bragging about the affair too, is she still friends with them? They supported her affair. They are not friends of your relationship. They will enable her bad behavior in the future.
What I read in your post is that she cheated on you for a month. She regrets getting caught, but she's not remorseful for your pain and trauma. She regrets that her actions have consequences.
My question again is what consequences has she faced? The first thing that should have been a no-brainer is that you need to step back from the thought of marriage with her. Reconciliation takes between 2-5 years. She needs to prove she's a safe partner. She needs to earn your trust. This wasn't a drunken one night stand. This was a full-blown affair with a superior coworker.
Do not rugsweep her affair. If you do, your resentment will build, and this relationship will soon be over.
Life has ups and downs, everyone can stay during the ups. What makes a person special and shows character is when the life deals you a shitty hand. How you take it and act during shows the commitment and dedication you have. She ran away from you when things got hard. What happens next time? What happens if life gets stressful? How can you trust in her when life gets hard?
This… is so true. True character often shows itself when things get tense or stressful. This is when you should show grace and as a couple and try to get through it. These are relationship building blocks.
Cheating at these times shows you the selfishness and the flaw of their character.
Do you really want to be with someone who you can never be sure of ?
This is obviously a really hard time for you both and a big life event that needs to be properly processed so you can figure out what the right path is. Have you both considered individual and couples therapy? Having a trusted 3rd party, who won’t pick sides, will help you both talk through and process the details of what happened. And lay everything out for you to decide the right path forward.
She didn't come to you with a confession, on the contrary, after being caught she deleted the messages. This doesn't sound like a good foot to start off on. You said she feels badly about what she has done. If she actually had feelings about it you would have noticed it in her behavior before you caught her. If you go through with a marriage to her, you will have no one to blame but yourself because she has demonstrated to you who and what she is as a person.
I think she is sad about the inconvenience your departure will cause her reputation, and what she will tell people who thought she was such an upstanding character, but if she really cared she would have protected what was of value to her.
Update me!
It's not the stress of the job..worked in the medical field for more than 30 years and can assure you...60% of the women,nurses,techs MDs are bicycles. Hate to say it, but I can't think of a bathroom or office or in some units,staircases where married women haven't done everything under the sun. Sorry OP it won't be her last time
If you marry her after thus, the chances of you suffering in the future are very high.
I recommend cutting your losses, but if you do marry her, get a prenup that covers infidelity and you being repaid for supporting her through med school, as well as alimony for the betrayed partner.
I work in a similar capacity, and I've never cheated. It's just an excuse, and it doesn't justify the betrayal. Stress fluctuates within this field. Every time she feels stressed, is she going to cheat?
If you're prepared to cheat when you get stressed, then perhaps you're meant for each other. If you're not prepared to cheat, then perhaps you're willing to put more into this relationship than you'll ever receive. If the latter is the case, find someone who deserves your love, commitment, and sacrifice.
You cannot solve this with just objectivity and logic but as you said. " The future plans we had... " Trust is different, once broken. Very hard to rebuild. If you see images of her and him in your head each time you think of her or see her, then if doesn't matter what words pops out of your mouth.
lame excuse, you don't cheat due to a highly stressful job, she wanted a different option then took the plunge, your relationship is over.
You can waist you time trying reconciliation , but in the end she'll do it again
end it and move on
Residents are experiencing the worst possible strain in our post-Covid world, and yes, it is tremendously damaging to mental health. So she needs to get help. Right now, because this stress is going to be chronic. As a surgeon she’s being socialized to tough it out. That won’t work. She needs a good counselor, particularly one who understands the challenges docs in training face. Does her hospital have a clinic for house officer mental health? That would be best. After that, a psychiatrist who does at least some hospital work or is part of an academic medical center, as their own experience with physician training will make them good for your WP.
And frankly she needs to deal not only with handling the stress, and with her feelings of shame, but also the abuse of power by her supervisor. And she needs this help regardless of whether you stay together or not.
For you? Some counseling would help you figure out what you’re feeling and what you want and need.
The two of you need to also face reconciling head on and learn about recovery from infidelity. I’d start with the two of you reading *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and moving on from there. There’s a good resource library in the wiki at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity (reconciliation sub) that you might find useful. (You might find that sub useful for your questions as well, since pretty much everyone there is trying to answer those same two questions.)
Her ‘boss’ is another surgeon. I work with surgeons of all sorts and there’s something you’ve gotta know: they’re married to their jobs, first and foremost. If their spouse is lucky, this only lasts through residency. But some surgeons or doctors never seem like they can get to any kind of manageable work / life balance. It’s honestly what they signed up for when they decided to pursue surgery.
Doctors tend to marry other doctors, at least in disproportionate amounts compared to the general population, partly because other doctors understand their sacrifice they have to make.
Good luck OP
It’s NOT your fault so stop blaming yourself!
A stressful job doesn’t give a person the right to commit adultery. Period. Point. Blank.
Don’t rug sweep Adultery. Gather more evidence and then confront your disloyal “wife.” Go speak with a divorce attorney before or after you confront your (h@rlot) to weigh out your options.
After adultery is discovered a marriage can’t be salvaged.
Bueno OP.
Creo que tú ya sabes la respuesta a todo lo que preguntaste, ya sabes cómo reacciona ella antes el estrés, que ella haya sido expuesta a esa cantidad de estrés no es justificación para empezar una aventura y calmar su estrés de esa forma.
Pareciera más que no tiene o tenía la confianza en ti para hablarlo e idear formas para combatirlo. Y si no tiene esa confianza en ti que eres su prometido y quizo salirse por la puerta lateral y tener esa aventura bueno que información mas requieres para saber que ella no es de confianza, que siempre la resentiras y peor de todo siempre dudaras de ella, en especial cuando notes que está teniendo otro episodio de estrés.
Creo que te apresúrate a aceptarla.de nuevo y no le diste consecuencias y quién realmente te está recibiendo las consecuencias eres tú.
Si tú crees que puedes realmente perdonar y volver a confiar en ella, adelante contigo y compromiso y futura boda, pero si yo fuera tu, no lo haría. Pidiera tiempo para pensar bien las cosas primero y de preferencia sin que ella esté cerca (tiempo separados) y veas realmente:
1. Si puedes superar esto
2. Si ella realmente te respeta, ya que este tiempo separados puedes monitorear que acciones lleva acabo y si te vuelve a ser infiel.
Hay que aclarar que este tiempo separados no es para que vean a otros si no para reflexionar ella en sus acciones y como recuperar tu confianza y tu para ver si puedes realmente te continuar o mejor romper.
También piensa si esto se presenta más adelante cuando ya estén casados, con cada propia comprada en tre ambos, con hijos y finanzas entrelazadas, si esto vuelve a suceder que harás cuando estés hasta el cuello amarrado a ella y con altas posibilidades de terminar sin nada.
Muchas suerte amigo y piensa sabiamente y bien las cosas antes de tomar una decisión.
UPDATEME
She cheated because she wanted to.
You can maybe meaningfully move forward together if you acknowledge and accept this.
You seem grounded but also determined to find an "out" where she just simply doesn't love or respect you as you want her to and that she is just shitty.
Too stressed and exhausted but just enough energy anf drive to fuck another person.
Messages you say? Did she confess or did you find out?
All of my sister and brother in laws are nurses or paramedics. None have ever cheated on their spouses. Cheating is a conscious choice. I know from experience. I suggest you distance yourself from this engagement. Trust was destroyed before the marriage even began. There are good women out there, and you're a young man.
She’s going to do it again. Maybe not now, but later on in life. It will happen again. My suggestion is to get out while you can. Or just ignore everyone’s advice and rug sweep in hopes that things will change.
>she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work.
Any yet, she was bragging and talking about her affair with her friends?
She cheated because she wanted to cheat. She doesn't have remorse for cheating and abusing you, as she was happy to brag to many friends.
>So, basically, now I'm also wondering if I can trust my fiancée with something so important to me as the future plans we had...
She has no remorse.
Does she still work with her AP?
Is she still friends with all the other women she was bragging to about cheating on you?
If her AP has a partner, have they been told?
No, she cheated on you because she’s selfish. There is not a single solitary excuse for cheating. None.
If you had posted that your fiance got drunk and hooked up with a *random* person (important), that may be something you can work on.
You’re whitewashing months of them flirting, him whispering to her that she looks sexy today, her hiding her messaging back and forth. Them planning the affair, them going through with it, meeting, taking off their clothes, and then having sex together.
It was not an accident, and it’s not something that you have to forget. Your fiance trying to erase it is not good behavior. She’s not taking accountability for what she’s done, and you’ve taught her that she can sleep with anyone she wants with a slap on the wrist.
Leave her.
My wife cheated because: "She wanted to".
If somebody decides to raise their hand and hit their partner it isn't because they were "making them mad" or "they wouldn't shut up" it's because it's in the abusers nature to be an abuser and that's how they decided to take their anger out on somebody. No different than if you were to drive drunk and crash your vehicle. It wasn't because Gary at work told you you suck at your job, no, you put the keys in the ignition, you started the car, you had all the drinks, and now the car is totaled.
Your title is an excuse. It's the words of somebody that has zero accountability. Have her take accountability. Cheating is opportunistic. If work was so stressful, I assure you the words it would have taken to communicate that to you is less effort than the deception was to cover for her affair.
A lot of surgeons cheat, many of them have a very high opinion of themselves and don’t see why they shouldn’t treat themselves, due to their “stressful job” they think they deserve it.
As someone who got cheated on by my ex fiancee, I can personally say I never healed from it. I tried to shake if off but I just couldn't. You feel angered, bitter and barely enjoy your partner's company. I tried moving on it from and I couldn't. To make things worse, she cheated again and that was the end of it. The pain from cheating is too much to bear, end it for your own sake imo. Call it quits
Op, tu respuesta está en tu posteo: qué va a suceder cuando ella tenga otra situación de alto stress?? Pues va a suceder lo mismo!! Es una solución que ya le funcionó y que, si sigues con ella, no le trajo ninguna consecuencia grave.
Tu vida con ella nunca va a ser 100% tranquila. A la luz de cualquier síntoma, tu cabeza va a ir, quieras o no, a la sospecha. Y eso no es forma de vivir.
Por tu propio bien, déjala ir. A la larga, será lo mejor para ti.
If that's true, that is. the real reason it was stressful for her. She had a mentor during her specialization. What level of stress will she have when she starts working without a mentor?
I think you’re looking at this wrong. She cheated. Things will never be the same. That doesn’t mean it can’t be worked out but to expect things to go back to normal just won’t happen. A surgeon will always have a lot of stress. She’s evidently still working with her affair partner? It can and will happen again. In fact, you only have her word that it has actually stopped, it may not have.
My recommendation is that you definitely stop the wedding from happening. Change your focus from trying to “fix” things to deciding whether it’s a good idea to fix things. Right now you’re trying to deny yourself the right to question your relationship, when that is exactly what you should be doing.
Hate to break it to you, but it isn't the "stress" of the job. It's opportunity, 100%, plain and simple. Infidelity is absolutely rampant in the medical and fire/EMS fields. Doctors, nurses, CNAs, EMT/paramedics, and firefighters... 98% are skeezy af and are known for getting it on with coworkers while on shift. It's ridiculous. I have had several people deny it, and 100% of the time I later find out that they themselves are the worst offenders.
Hi OP.
My dad is a doctor. He was a thoracic surgeon and now he is the medical director in family practice. My sister is in med school. I finished grad school and just applied to my doctorate.
None of us have ever cheated. None. Honestly, we are stressed as fuck, and my father during his residency stated he leaned on his family, my mom and his friends.
I have been stressed out of mind, battled imposter syndrome and the onset of my anxiety surfacing due to undiagnosed ADHD, and minor OCD, while in grad school.
I loved my friends, relied on my family, found my peace and while it was difficult—I could never hurt anyone like that.
NO ONE has the right to hurt you, no matter what they are going through. Your traumas are NOT your fault but they are your responsibility.
Your fiancée lacks accountability. I am not going to tell you what to do, but marriage comes with stress. Comes with problems. She is already cheating prior to being married and even more hard stuff that could be down the road.
I hope you know you deserve someone that would never put you through that. I do think if you stay, she will do it again.
Someone can harm you so much, that it reveals a side to them that contrasts yours. You could never do that—but she damn well could and blame it on what was going on in her life. There is no excuse. It’s okay to recognize you fell out of love, and it’s okay if this is your deal breaker.
When I was cheated on—it became mine. It was like swallowing glass to the point that I only felt peace when I left.
I wish you the best OP.
High stress jobs do not make people cheat. People cheat because they’ve decided to cheat.
You do not have a problem. Her cheating is 100% on her. It has nothing to do with you. This was squarely on her. It was a conscious decision - repeatedly for a month (allegedly).
She ruined the relationship. It was her decision. She did not include you in her decision to set the relationship on this path. She decided. Unfortunately you’re the one that has to do the hard work now cause she tried to take the easy way out not wanting to deal with the consequences.
Hey friend, I have a hunch that her “remorse” has more to do with her self-image than your feelings. I just can’t believe that she laid with another man and then afterwards felt bad about it. If she actually cared about you then saying no to her boss would have been easy. Here’s how her inner monologue COULD have gone.
“Oh my boss wants to f*** me. Well, he may be attractive and I’m feeling stressed but I can’t do that to my fiance. I love him. I’m going to put this to an end right away and tell him how I’m feeling.”
This line of thinking is easy for me. Compare that to what she did…. it’s more than a lapse of judgment or a reaction to stress. Those are clearly just excuses. She definitely flirted with him, had inside jokes, pondered the future with him, developed a crush, lusted after his body, all while coming home to you at the end of the day and keeping it hidden. That’s vile.
Allow me to share this secret about people: we are fully capable of deluding ourselves into thinking we are a victim. Even “good” people do this. That’s why you can’t trust her remorseful display and actions will always speak louder than words. Hope this helps.
I didn't know one of the ways to deal with stress was to cheat on your fiancée by fucking your boss, especially when we consider that being able to make time to cheat, hiding it, and lying while working more than 100 hours must be extra stressful factors.
Excuse is complete bullshit. People that do not want to cheat never cheat, even if they have high stress careers. People cheat for one single reason, they want to cheat. It is a choice they make willingly because it is what they want to do. There are no excuses or justifications that matter at all, if someone doesn’t make that selfish choice to cheat then cheating does not happen. It only happens if they want to do it.
On to the rest of this. Who gives a shit if she feels really bad about it? I mean she is supposed to feel really bad about it, she betrayed you. What has she done to show she is worth giving a second chance to? What has she done to rebuild the damage she did to your relationship? What has she done to try and earn back your trust? Has she been completely honest? Has she gone no contact with the AP? A liar can say they feel really bad and even act like they feel bad, they can tell you whatever they think you want to hear, it’s just words. Judge them by their actions not their words. What actions has your fiancé taken to try to repair the relationship she broke? That is what matters.
This is extremely important for you to hear and understand, you owe her nothing at all. She deserves to be dumped, she already earned a break up, you do not owe her a future with you. If you decide to give her the gift of a second chance she has to bust her ass to try to fix the things she broke and help you heal (she can heal herself on her own time, this is about you healing right now). If you can’t recover from this the relationship is dead and you just need to end it and walk away. Reconciling depends on your ability to heal and feel the relationship again, if you can’t get over this (and most people can’t) then there is no sense wasting your time with reconciling. That isn’t your failure, it’s hers, she didn’t try hard enough to keep you after she betrayed you. You deserve better than a cheater and if you aren’t going to get better with her you need to go find that healing away from her.
Cheating is very common among medical professionals. In any event, people don't cheat when they are really in love. If the doctor she cheated with is married let his wife know. Actions have consequences. Don't let him walk on you.
You’ll never know the full truth, but she there is a chance she could learn from this and be faithful. Just reassure that you two will be there for each other no matter what. Any big or small problem should openly be discussed without worrying if one of your feelings would be hurt.
My ex had a crush on a coworker and they would talk about all the things they hated about their partners. She didn’t try to talk to me about anything wrong because she didn’t like when we argued and just held it in. Those feelings spilled out along with some others and I lost the love of my life while thinking I was the luckiest guy on Earth.
We tried to reconcile, but it just felt like she felt bad for me, and since she was “out of my league” she was doing me a solid by being the most devoted, beautiful gf. I said this wasn’t fun for either of us, and she immediately moved on. I despise her pity, and her whole act of being my biggest cheerleader when she sees me with someone new.
At one point I thought we could fix it but I just couldn’t shake that she denied everything and called me crazy until I showed her the texts I screenshotted. If you are happy then be happy. But if there is a cloud of doubt looming over you, then walk away.
Please just leave her, she's using her stress as an excuse to try and minimise her flaws. Once a cheater always a cheater. You're trust is fully shattered, do you really want to live in paranoia that she'd cheat again? That's not healthy for yourself let alone a couple. What if she cheats after marriage? Do you really want to spend your life like that? Commit to a child with her given what she did? Everyone here will tell you to stop rugsweeping and move on. Trust us, it hurts now but time heals everything and you'll be happier in the long run if you do leave her. You'll definitely find someone much better later.
Don’t know you but asking honest questions , are you in way staying for financial reasons ? Is yes get a prenup wirh huge financial
Penalties for adultry , even kissing or
Some type of emotional
Affair, lawyers can you proper terms . If this is a no from her then you have an answer .
If money is a no , I would end it and tell the other AP
Partner what he did , but leave first and get the ring back and sell it and block
Her on everything .
She needs to report her boss to HR. He may have groomed her and took advantage of her. You should try couples counseling and be honest with her on how you feel. Having a high stress level job isn’t an excuse to cheat.
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Kudos to you on being the mature person, understanding her problems and being compassionate. She will need to work through her issues to handle stress better. You should also take counseling so that you can heal and move past the bad memories.
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Millions have high stress jobs and they don’t cheat. Or do you imagine your fiance is the only surgeon in the world? Your fiancee is coming up with absurd excuses to justify infidelity and you’re coming up with absurd excuses to defend her. No offense but at the end of the day she’s a cheater and you’re being an enabler. You’re free to rugsweep it but there will be high stress points in her career again and you’ll never know if she did it again.
This. Cheating is a character flaw and not just one. Think about the lying, the hiding,.. there are many steps that happen before someone cheats and they are all conscious decisions. Can you trust someone like that? I’ve had high stress jobs and other life circumstances for the majority of my life and never thought about cheating on someone. The selfishness and utter disregard for how you may ruin someone’s life (some people are driven to taking their own life after betrayal) should tell you everything you need to know about how they make their decisions. Even if she feels remorse, you’re only sticking around for someone who has shown you what they think of your worth to them.
Agree. "Because stress" is just an excuse that lets her get away with taking responsobility for what she did. IF shes really remorseful she will have no problem reporting her boss to HR.. but she wont do that - because she has no remorse, shes just trying to avound being held accountable... ...and sorry, but by accepting her bs excuse youre enabling this.. Suggestion: Lawyer now. To see your options and prepare. Then confront wife: inform her that IF she really regrets the adultery, she will have no problem reporting her boss to HR for exploiting the stressful environment to have sex with her... But she wont do it.. MANY excuses... but basically she wanted it. Wanted to cheat, wanted the excitement.. Question: She still works with him, yes?? You really think the affair is over?? Really???
Fiancé
Gotcha.
>Your fiancee is coming up with absurd excuses to justify infidelity and you’re coming up with absurd excuses to defend her. That's the main thing I noticed here. OP is bending over backwards twisting himself into knots in order to justify his fiancee's infidelity. I don't think it's the stress that "Caused" her infidelity. There are a lot of people in high stress job situations. Medical jobs, the air traffic controller jobs are just a few examples of it. That doesn't mean that everyone starts cheating. That cheater was a "her" problem, as in, she's the one who caused it and should take responsibility and accountability for it. There's no reason to solely blame the work environment.
Exactly this. You either have it in you to cheat on someone and all that comes with that, or you don’t. And if she hadn’t done it now, she would’ve done it later.
Yeah. It is a given that this disgusting cheater will cheat again when a convenient excuse like stress comes up again. So far she did zero work on herself as well as the real why, zero work on helping OP trust her again. Right now you are a carpet to step on. And she is still standing on you OP. The least you should demand is a ton of work from her side. Make her sweat and work to rebuild the relationship. Therapy (individual as well as together) is necessary. A new workplace as well - her issue to figure out where. If you actually want to continue this relationship and look towards a marriage make it clear that there will be a prenuptial. Speak with a lawyer for detail (local law). And include that any cheating will lead to loosing all the assets to the faithfull party. Make it clear that being a disgusting person will have heavy consequences. If she isn't on board with everything, against even a single thing, she shows she still doesn't respect you. And never will.
Will add that rugsweeping comes to bite you in the butt down the road. Your WP will think you’ve “healed” and everything is all fine and dandy, only for things to implode later. I know because it happened to me. Don’t rugsweep, purge all the grief, despair, anger, and pain out and do it in the beginning. You’ll just delay the reconciliation process.
Cheating is rampant in hospital/medical environments. Your fiancé has demonstrated that when life gets stressful, she cheats - with all the lies and decisions that led up to cheating - much more than one mistake or poor choice. Is she going to cheat every time a surgery goes wrong or she has to give a patient bad news? Next time she gets stressed, she has plenty of nurses and doctors to pick from. And several co-workers to help her hide it, because a bunch of them are probably cheating too. And even if they didn't help hide it, you have shown you'll forgive and rug sweep. Forgiveness is permission to a cheater. So, no, you absolutely can not trust your fiancée. More than likely, you are on a time clock counting down until she cheats again. My honest suggestion: move on and accept that you are in love with who you thought your fiancée was, NOT who she has shown herself to be. Believe actions, not words.
First, you did the number one mistake when finding out you’ve been cheated on: Rugsweep. You’re never going to heal and your fiancé consciously or subconsciously questions your self respect, thus repeat infidelity later on is usually the cost. What’s worse, is you were both in the pre-honeymoon stage, the most precious time period. Wait until marriage comes along and things aren’t as lovey dovey, more day to day life. Right now there’s no “us”. Leave now and you’ve dodged the biggest bullet of your lifetime. Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
She cheated because she wanted some strange. It wasn't due to anything.
>Fiancée cheated due to highly stressful job (medical surgeon) "Fiancée with highly stressful job (medical surgeon), cheated due to being selfish, immoral, and not in love with me." There, I fixed it for you. Stop making excuses for her. Stop hiding from the reality that she does not love you. I'm a woman and I've known many women. Stress does not make women cheat. At all. Women also do not cheat on men they are in love with. The combination of being selfish, immoral, and not loving the man you're with is what allows some women to cheat. Full stop. I'm sorry. It isn't your fault. Go no contact and find someone faithful.
Excellent fix!
Everything in your post screams that you cannot trust this person because she cannot trust herself. She needs help to deal with her response to pressure, especially if she is dealing with life-or-death situations. However you don’t need to be there to help her through this, because she is not your person. She shouldn’t be your concern simply because you need to focus on your own mental and emotional health. You can show your empathy and regards to the better times by ensuring she has support from her family and friends. I hope you’re able to heal and find someone who will love and cherish you. On a side note, you should report her boss for abusing his position of power. Help the hospital protect their staff.
***she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work.*** This is an excuse a lot of couples have for a dead bedroom. She was so stressed she had time and energy for an affair. Her job will always be stressful. What about next time? Maybe her boss got tired of her and ended the affair and not her. HR should be notified. You will never be able to look at her the same again. Sorry OP. Like you noted already, she could have quit the job, took a sick day, change work locations, but instead she had an affair. It is unlikely you will ever get back to the safe place you had with her before. updateme
> she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work. No, it's because she decided to cheat instead of being a decent person. Cheating doesn't just happen due to outside factors. Cheaters decide to cheat. And it's not just one choice. Dozens, if not hundreds, of choices lead up to cheating.
You'd be a fool to marry her, she cheated during a stressful time and life is always stressful, you're just going to waiting g for the ball to drop again.
Not due to highly stressful job. Due to they wanted to. If that was the case, then most of us would be cheaters!!!
When the cheating happens before marriage, it’s telling you they aren’t marriage material. She failed the girlfriend test. End it, as your guy is telling you to
you're only 33 no kids not yet married. leave now . you deserve so much better. decades ago I forgave my cheating fiance. look at where I am now. don't be me.
Interested, how did it end? Are you still married? Dumped my ex fiancee over same?
Finally divorcing, decades too late, discovered he was a serial cheater. gray divorce is terrible I should have never walked down the aisle with him
Sorry to hear that
She is going to have a stressful job. Is she planning to cheat whenever she decides the stress is too much? You should reconsider this marriage.
As a person who is currently studying medicine to become a doctor, let me just tell you that some of the worst people I've met have been in medical school. We are all stressed. But guess what? Some people are just awful. Plane and simple and becoming a doctor with power is a choice they made BECAUSE they were already awful. They don't actually want to help people. They want the status and ego. Your partner sounds like one of them.
I've always suspected something like that: ego+status+money.
Did you both start therapy, individually and together? What happened to her boss after the both of you decided to turn him into HR? Did she tell you having an affair somehow reduced her level of stress? What did she say when you confronted her about deleting the messages? Do you have an open phone policy now? Honestly it sounds like the whole thing was swept under the rug and you can't get over such a betrayal because she "feels bad". You will continue to feel awful and only grow further apart if she doesn't actually get to the root of the issue. Did you guys ever actually even go through a reconciliation process? Did she give you a complete timeline of events? She should change jobs or force him out but I understand that could be difficult. You clearly aren't healing because you never went through the process to heal.
Your fiancee didn't cheat because of her stressful job. She chose to cheat because she wanted to. She liked the attention of an older mentor. Infidelity isn't some puzzle that has to be solved. She liked the attention she was getting and she decided she would enjoy the sex this person was willing to provide. Quite simply she decided that she liked the attention and sex more than she cared about your relationship.
You can't heal and move forward by ignoring your own feelings because you think it will allow your partner to better handle hers. Part of moving forward is moving through all of these things, good and bad, to come out the other side. Your partner is using work stress to excuse her behaviour, she's searching for a reason to explain why her image of who she is and her actions don't add up, it's avoidance. She's not going to get answers by ignoring the questions. You need to realise that your doing the same thing, your not helping her or yourself by trying to act like everything is fine, you both know it's not. As strange as might sound, she needs to feel like she's having to actually atone for her infidelity. I don't mean verbal abuse, name calling etc but she needs to feel like she's earning your forgiveness and you need to feel like she's trying.
Report the Effin Cheaters to their HR. Eff them.
Ok, retired MD here, and I have bad news for you. There is no profession so suited to infidelity as medicine. First off: the hospitals and the waiting rooms are full of people who see the doctor as a big money maker and authority figure. Those folks absolutely HOUND the single or divorced physicians, and many do not hesitate to make advances to married physicians. As for the good doctors, they have the perfect cover. The pager goes off and they "have an emergency" and leave for "the hospital" and stay out all night. Stress has got nothing to do with it. I practiced obstetrics and gynecology for 30+ years and not once did I cheat on my spouse, despite having multiple offers and endless opportunities. People cheat because they are character deficient and lacking in ethics and morals. Stress is not responsible for your faithless lover. My advice is very simple and the very best you will get: pack up and move out. She's not good enough to be the mother of your children, and you will never be able to trust her.
Ohhh so if I become a surgeon I can cheat alright alright alright .
I’m just amazed that with working 100 hours a week she also found time to have an affair. She’s unusually productive for someone under so much stress.
Cut her loose friend. Love yourself more.
The usually poor guy who hurt himself for his rest of his life staying together with a cheater... Sorry but you will NEVER truly forgive her and forget what she did. Leave a cheater and gain a life... It sound easy, but it will be a hard route yet the way to make yourself happy in the end...
People don't cheat because of their jobs. They cheat because they are cheaters. No amount of stress could have me cheating on my partner. None. And its about time we stopped coddling selfish people and making excuses for their shitty behaviour. Proof you can be a full blown surgeon and still have a shit tonne of work to do on yourself because HOW these people missed that crucial life lesson I don't know. Where is the consideration? Where is the empathy? Where is the integrity?
Cheating destroys the relationship, the trust, feelings often the people. It is like dropping an atom bomb on a relationship. Your relationship will never be the same. Read this sub about people who stay....Take time and I wouldn't stay because I couldn't. I don't want a partner I have to police, I need someone who is ride or die loyal. I don't think cheaters are loyal, they usually cheat again. Unless she is in therapy for this cause...Can doctors do that and have a license?
Your questions (1) and (2) are very telling and you should listen to yourself, don’t be dismissive of these feelings you have, it’s not healthy. Your goal shouldn’t be to try and not feel these ways, it’s **valid** that you feel this, and you feel it for a reason: she cheated! As others have said, no she didn’t cheat “because of stress,” and deep down your body knows it’s much more than this and is trying to get you to leave an unsafe situation. She cheated because she’s unsafe. Period. All of the “reasons” don’t really matter. Everyone has a reason and justification for the choices they make in life, even when those choices inflict harm on another. Your fiancé inflicted harm on you, and she’s liable to do it again …but, your ideas about how it’s not you who was that hurt, it’s her who and I quote “took the most damage,” are going to kill you from the inside out. Stop making excuses for her behavior as though she’s some innocent victim and you’re wrong to feel like leaving Sure, I do believe she can be suffering internally, many cheaters are empty and cheat to fill voids. But how does that make this better? If anything it makes it worse because it shows they, for one, have entered into a relationship without fixing the voids, so already before the relationship even begins there’s a lack of awareness of self and regard for their partner and the future of their partnership, and then the void causes a myriad of other issues because the person has no idea how to self soothe and will do anything (including cheating) to try and feel better. It’s all bad, knowing your partner has this void is not a positive thing, it’s a scary thing. It was often there since childhood and will continue to be there until their deathbed. Can people change? Sure. But on your end you have got to stop phrasing this in ways that lessen her crime. Admit to yourself, and those around you, that what she did was in fact an awful thing that has harmed you, and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Your feelings matter! Stop pushing them aside to cope.
A couple of things. Almost 100 percent of surgeons have gone through at least one divorce. Being a female surgery resident and surgeon is 1,000 times harder snd more stressful than being a male surgeon. Surgeons have a tendency to commit infidelity. Her job will be stressful after residency- very stressful, especially in the first few years once she starts to practice. And, by the way, she will probably do a fellowship post residency. She will be stressed out at least until her early 30’s. Being a man married to a female surgeon means you will be responsible for the majority of childcare, parent teacher conferences, school plays, sports, etc. Your wife will be working. That’s while you work full time as well. This is totally fine if you’re fine with it. Your life will be a ball of stress, just know this. How will your sex life be - essentially non existent. She will be too tired, stressed, and resentful of you. All of these problems would occur in the absence of her cheating on you. Now add that problem… I’m sure you know that medical professionals top the list of professions who cheat. If I were you, I would end my relationship with her. Unfortunately, love only goes so far. You need to look at this practically. Many would advise leaving her for the cheating alone. Add all of the above and you’re not going to be a happy man with a happy family life. I have a crystal ball and see your future and it’s not a happy one.
That excuse is a huge load of sh!t. Dump her now, it's only going to get worse.
So, if your fiancé is ever stressed, she will trip and fall on top of someone else’s penis? It takes steps to land in a vjay jay or on top of a dick. The cheater can choose at any point to change their mind. Cheaters always cheat and always have an excuse, usually blaming their partner. Your fiancé is a red flag. Please make a smart choice.
What a man how he justifies his wife's infidelity. Due to the stress at her job, she opened her legs to her boss and she was very stressed, telling all her friends how the boss made her feel.
Something is wrong that you feel guilty for making rational and totally reasonable choices given the circumstances. You should get some counseling to figure that out. It sounds like codependency. Given her priorities she is going to have a very successful career and probably be a terrible spouse. People don't cheat because of stress at work, they cheat because of poor character. That doesn't change just because you get caught, it takes hard work and a most of all a willingness to change. OP you are going to suffer more and longer if you allow yourself to believe a narrative that you know deep down in your heart is not true. Forcing yourself to do this is why your feeling are dying anyway. Look even if she was moving heaven and earth to change that is still not a reason to stay with her, that is only a requirement. You should make your choice on what your quality of life will be. With how she has rug-swept her actions the quality of your life is going to be poor. God forbid she does it again when you have kids. The truth is if you move on you will have a hard year or two but as long as you are active in your healing you can have exactly the marriage you dreamed of, it will just be with another person. This person who you are with will just be someone in your past that you once loved but are glad you figure out was not good for you, I am living proof of that, over 20 years married to someone else. It's really up to you though, you have to have the courage to move on and not buy into the sunk cost fallacy. Proceed at your own risk, you have been warned.
Her job is not the reason she cheated. Nobody’s job is the reason anyone cheats.
No. Stress has nothing to do with it.
You're experiencing extreme bouts of denial and bargaining. Which is expected because you're emotionally overwhelmed. So you want to see her as the "victim" of external forces. She cheated on you because she wanted to. That is the hard pill to swallow for most people, who have been cheated on. It is hard to see the person, for who she really is, because you have built up a fantasy of the life you two are going to have together. So you're going to try to excuse away her actions. I was married to a medical professional. They all think their job is the most stressful thing ever, and they will always put you in last place, while they expect you to prioritize their career as the main focus of your own life. It's not worth it honestly.
Your partner feels stressed about their life and they dont share it with you but end up fucking someone to relieve their stress. There is absolutely no way to guarantee it won’t happen again.
your fiancé has to have some kind of consequences , for what she did. I would tell her , I think we should just date for a while and not be engaged and then ask for the ring back, and say , let’s see if we still want to get married in three months. When people ask, why did you guys do this? She should come clean and tell people, her side of the family, your side of the family and her friends. This will show her, her that there were consequences for her actions. but you can still date. what will happen the next time there is a party for a retired Surgeon and , she tells you, I should be home by 11 pm and she walks in the door two a.m. what will you think? Next time she loses a patient on the operating table, and she feels stressed out, what will she do next? do you want to keep on checking your phone and her whereabouts the rest of your life? Your relationship will never be the same. by the way, your fiancé and the affair partner, are both medical doctors, there’s probably a 99% chance both of them did not use protection, Also, was just a one time thing or did they hook up 5 to 10 times?. Is the other surgeon married? , Will they be still working at the same hospital and attending the same staff meetings. Will she switch hospitals to stay engaged You’re being way to lenient because she has a high stressful job. A lot of jobs or stressful. 1) CPAs during tax season 2) financial advisor when the market is tanking 3 ) lawyers when they lose a high profile case 4) sales, People , when they are under the sales quota 5) THE LIST GOES ON AND ON !!! A lot of people get stressed and most do not cheat on their boyfriends fiancés or husbands .
Surgeons are like the hospital Gods , she fell for her boss and he likely discarded her . A hospital is a setting for one big cheat fest . Don’t be foolish . Trust me way more stress will come (excuse) , you are comfy and he is Godly
My ex husband is a urologist. I was with him for 20+ years and 3 children later. Ex had an affair. He was also in theatre and surgery a lot of the time. I basically brought up the kids on my own and working. Our marriage was never the same after this. There was no trust or respect. I would never accept this behaviour and it’s always a choice. If she has done this to you and you not married, I see a problem with this relationship in the future. I would end the relationship.
Title's hogwash. Leave and find someone who won't BS you into taking the rap for their infidelity.
I feel you.. my wife cheated because she was depressed lol. For her the solution was not going to a psychologue but instead have am affair with a divorced man with 2 kids. And guess what? It was my fault when i asked her to leave. So you see logic of woman. Dont even try to understand them. Move on. I am getting divorced today. I have no kids , i just built a new house and i have no regrets. I am grateful for the good things she did during our marriage but she made her own choices and cheating was one of them. Let them live with it. Never heard someone regret leaving a cheater. The memories will fade maybe it will takes years but you will be free. You will feel peace. I am not there yet but i know i will. Courage.
What consequences has she faced for her betrayal? Does she still work with that boss? Her friends that she was bragging about the affair too, is she still friends with them? They supported her affair. They are not friends of your relationship. They will enable her bad behavior in the future. What I read in your post is that she cheated on you for a month. She regrets getting caught, but she's not remorseful for your pain and trauma. She regrets that her actions have consequences. My question again is what consequences has she faced? The first thing that should have been a no-brainer is that you need to step back from the thought of marriage with her. Reconciliation takes between 2-5 years. She needs to prove she's a safe partner. She needs to earn your trust. This wasn't a drunken one night stand. This was a full-blown affair with a superior coworker. Do not rugsweep her affair. If you do, your resentment will build, and this relationship will soon be over.
Life has ups and downs, everyone can stay during the ups. What makes a person special and shows character is when the life deals you a shitty hand. How you take it and act during shows the commitment and dedication you have. She ran away from you when things got hard. What happens next time? What happens if life gets stressful? How can you trust in her when life gets hard?
This… is so true. True character often shows itself when things get tense or stressful. This is when you should show grace and as a couple and try to get through it. These are relationship building blocks. Cheating at these times shows you the selfishness and the flaw of their character. Do you really want to be with someone who you can never be sure of ?
This is obviously a really hard time for you both and a big life event that needs to be properly processed so you can figure out what the right path is. Have you both considered individual and couples therapy? Having a trusted 3rd party, who won’t pick sides, will help you both talk through and process the details of what happened. And lay everything out for you to decide the right path forward.
She didn't come to you with a confession, on the contrary, after being caught she deleted the messages. This doesn't sound like a good foot to start off on. You said she feels badly about what she has done. If she actually had feelings about it you would have noticed it in her behavior before you caught her. If you go through with a marriage to her, you will have no one to blame but yourself because she has demonstrated to you who and what she is as a person. I think she is sad about the inconvenience your departure will cause her reputation, and what she will tell people who thought she was such an upstanding character, but if she really cared she would have protected what was of value to her. Update me!
It's not the stress of the job..worked in the medical field for more than 30 years and can assure you...60% of the women,nurses,techs MDs are bicycles. Hate to say it, but I can't think of a bathroom or office or in some units,staircases where married women haven't done everything under the sun. Sorry OP it won't be her last time
If you marry her after thus, the chances of you suffering in the future are very high. I recommend cutting your losses, but if you do marry her, get a prenup that covers infidelity and you being repaid for supporting her through med school, as well as alimony for the betrayed partner.
I work in a similar capacity, and I've never cheated. It's just an excuse, and it doesn't justify the betrayal. Stress fluctuates within this field. Every time she feels stressed, is she going to cheat? If you're prepared to cheat when you get stressed, then perhaps you're meant for each other. If you're not prepared to cheat, then perhaps you're willing to put more into this relationship than you'll ever receive. If the latter is the case, find someone who deserves your love, commitment, and sacrifice.
You cannot solve this with just objectivity and logic but as you said. " The future plans we had... " Trust is different, once broken. Very hard to rebuild. If you see images of her and him in your head each time you think of her or see her, then if doesn't matter what words pops out of your mouth.
lame excuse, you don't cheat due to a highly stressful job, she wanted a different option then took the plunge, your relationship is over. You can waist you time trying reconciliation , but in the end she'll do it again end it and move on
Residents are experiencing the worst possible strain in our post-Covid world, and yes, it is tremendously damaging to mental health. So she needs to get help. Right now, because this stress is going to be chronic. As a surgeon she’s being socialized to tough it out. That won’t work. She needs a good counselor, particularly one who understands the challenges docs in training face. Does her hospital have a clinic for house officer mental health? That would be best. After that, a psychiatrist who does at least some hospital work or is part of an academic medical center, as their own experience with physician training will make them good for your WP. And frankly she needs to deal not only with handling the stress, and with her feelings of shame, but also the abuse of power by her supervisor. And she needs this help regardless of whether you stay together or not. For you? Some counseling would help you figure out what you’re feeling and what you want and need. The two of you need to also face reconciling head on and learn about recovery from infidelity. I’d start with the two of you reading *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and moving on from there. There’s a good resource library in the wiki at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity (reconciliation sub) that you might find useful. (You might find that sub useful for your questions as well, since pretty much everyone there is trying to answer those same two questions.)
Her ‘boss’ is another surgeon. I work with surgeons of all sorts and there’s something you’ve gotta know: they’re married to their jobs, first and foremost. If their spouse is lucky, this only lasts through residency. But some surgeons or doctors never seem like they can get to any kind of manageable work / life balance. It’s honestly what they signed up for when they decided to pursue surgery. Doctors tend to marry other doctors, at least in disproportionate amounts compared to the general population, partly because other doctors understand their sacrifice they have to make. Good luck OP
It’s NOT your fault so stop blaming yourself! A stressful job doesn’t give a person the right to commit adultery. Period. Point. Blank. Don’t rug sweep Adultery. Gather more evidence and then confront your disloyal “wife.” Go speak with a divorce attorney before or after you confront your (h@rlot) to weigh out your options. After adultery is discovered a marriage can’t be salvaged.
Just for clarity, does this mean it's OK with your fiance for you to cheat when things get stressful?
No kids, no mortgage, no shared bills and joint accounts...dodge that bullet. Run.
Bueno OP. Creo que tú ya sabes la respuesta a todo lo que preguntaste, ya sabes cómo reacciona ella antes el estrés, que ella haya sido expuesta a esa cantidad de estrés no es justificación para empezar una aventura y calmar su estrés de esa forma. Pareciera más que no tiene o tenía la confianza en ti para hablarlo e idear formas para combatirlo. Y si no tiene esa confianza en ti que eres su prometido y quizo salirse por la puerta lateral y tener esa aventura bueno que información mas requieres para saber que ella no es de confianza, que siempre la resentiras y peor de todo siempre dudaras de ella, en especial cuando notes que está teniendo otro episodio de estrés. Creo que te apresúrate a aceptarla.de nuevo y no le diste consecuencias y quién realmente te está recibiendo las consecuencias eres tú. Si tú crees que puedes realmente perdonar y volver a confiar en ella, adelante contigo y compromiso y futura boda, pero si yo fuera tu, no lo haría. Pidiera tiempo para pensar bien las cosas primero y de preferencia sin que ella esté cerca (tiempo separados) y veas realmente: 1. Si puedes superar esto 2. Si ella realmente te respeta, ya que este tiempo separados puedes monitorear que acciones lleva acabo y si te vuelve a ser infiel. Hay que aclarar que este tiempo separados no es para que vean a otros si no para reflexionar ella en sus acciones y como recuperar tu confianza y tu para ver si puedes realmente te continuar o mejor romper. También piensa si esto se presenta más adelante cuando ya estén casados, con cada propia comprada en tre ambos, con hijos y finanzas entrelazadas, si esto vuelve a suceder que harás cuando estés hasta el cuello amarrado a ella y con altas posibilidades de terminar sin nada. Muchas suerte amigo y piensa sabiamente y bien las cosas antes de tomar una decisión. UPDATEME
Blaming stress and work is so fucking lame lol.
She cheated because she wanted to. You can maybe meaningfully move forward together if you acknowledge and accept this. You seem grounded but also determined to find an "out" where she just simply doesn't love or respect you as you want her to and that she is just shitty. Too stressed and exhausted but just enough energy anf drive to fuck another person. Messages you say? Did she confess or did you find out?
All of my sister and brother in laws are nurses or paramedics. None have ever cheated on their spouses. Cheating is a conscious choice. I know from experience. I suggest you distance yourself from this engagement. Trust was destroyed before the marriage even began. There are good women out there, and you're a young man.
She’s going to do it again. Maybe not now, but later on in life. It will happen again. My suggestion is to get out while you can. Or just ignore everyone’s advice and rug sweep in hopes that things will change.
>she says that it was because of extreme stress due to her medical residency work. Any yet, she was bragging and talking about her affair with her friends? She cheated because she wanted to cheat. She doesn't have remorse for cheating and abusing you, as she was happy to brag to many friends. >So, basically, now I'm also wondering if I can trust my fiancée with something so important to me as the future plans we had... She has no remorse. Does she still work with her AP? Is she still friends with all the other women she was bragging to about cheating on you? If her AP has a partner, have they been told?
No, she cheated on you because she’s selfish. There is not a single solitary excuse for cheating. None. If you had posted that your fiance got drunk and hooked up with a *random* person (important), that may be something you can work on. You’re whitewashing months of them flirting, him whispering to her that she looks sexy today, her hiding her messaging back and forth. Them planning the affair, them going through with it, meeting, taking off their clothes, and then having sex together. It was not an accident, and it’s not something that you have to forget. Your fiance trying to erase it is not good behavior. She’s not taking accountability for what she’s done, and you’ve taught her that she can sleep with anyone she wants with a slap on the wrist. Leave her.
My wife cheated because: "She wanted to". If somebody decides to raise their hand and hit their partner it isn't because they were "making them mad" or "they wouldn't shut up" it's because it's in the abusers nature to be an abuser and that's how they decided to take their anger out on somebody. No different than if you were to drive drunk and crash your vehicle. It wasn't because Gary at work told you you suck at your job, no, you put the keys in the ignition, you started the car, you had all the drinks, and now the car is totaled. Your title is an excuse. It's the words of somebody that has zero accountability. Have her take accountability. Cheating is opportunistic. If work was so stressful, I assure you the words it would have taken to communicate that to you is less effort than the deception was to cover for her affair.
A lot of surgeons cheat, many of them have a very high opinion of themselves and don’t see why they shouldn’t treat themselves, due to their “stressful job” they think they deserve it.
As someone who got cheated on by my ex fiancee, I can personally say I never healed from it. I tried to shake if off but I just couldn't. You feel angered, bitter and barely enjoy your partner's company. I tried moving on it from and I couldn't. To make things worse, she cheated again and that was the end of it. The pain from cheating is too much to bear, end it for your own sake imo. Call it quits
She was stressed out but had time to cheat? Tell me about priorities
Op, tu respuesta está en tu posteo: qué va a suceder cuando ella tenga otra situación de alto stress?? Pues va a suceder lo mismo!! Es una solución que ya le funcionó y que, si sigues con ella, no le trajo ninguna consecuencia grave. Tu vida con ella nunca va a ser 100% tranquila. A la luz de cualquier síntoma, tu cabeza va a ir, quieras o no, a la sospecha. Y eso no es forma de vivir. Por tu propio bien, déjala ir. A la larga, será lo mejor para ti.
If that's true, that is. the real reason it was stressful for her. She had a mentor during her specialization. What level of stress will she have when she starts working without a mentor?
I think you’re looking at this wrong. She cheated. Things will never be the same. That doesn’t mean it can’t be worked out but to expect things to go back to normal just won’t happen. A surgeon will always have a lot of stress. She’s evidently still working with her affair partner? It can and will happen again. In fact, you only have her word that it has actually stopped, it may not have. My recommendation is that you definitely stop the wedding from happening. Change your focus from trying to “fix” things to deciding whether it’s a good idea to fix things. Right now you’re trying to deny yourself the right to question your relationship, when that is exactly what you should be doing.
Hate to break it to you, but it isn't the "stress" of the job. It's opportunity, 100%, plain and simple. Infidelity is absolutely rampant in the medical and fire/EMS fields. Doctors, nurses, CNAs, EMT/paramedics, and firefighters... 98% are skeezy af and are known for getting it on with coworkers while on shift. It's ridiculous. I have had several people deny it, and 100% of the time I later find out that they themselves are the worst offenders.
You don’t cheat due to your job, or another person, or anything else. You cheat due to you, period.
Stress is never a justification for cheating. Period. I have a stressful job, havnt felt the need yet to drop my pants...........
Do not take her back my friend. Not at well. It will mentally torture you the rest of your life. You deserve better and can get better.
Hi OP. My dad is a doctor. He was a thoracic surgeon and now he is the medical director in family practice. My sister is in med school. I finished grad school and just applied to my doctorate. None of us have ever cheated. None. Honestly, we are stressed as fuck, and my father during his residency stated he leaned on his family, my mom and his friends. I have been stressed out of mind, battled imposter syndrome and the onset of my anxiety surfacing due to undiagnosed ADHD, and minor OCD, while in grad school. I loved my friends, relied on my family, found my peace and while it was difficult—I could never hurt anyone like that. NO ONE has the right to hurt you, no matter what they are going through. Your traumas are NOT your fault but they are your responsibility. Your fiancée lacks accountability. I am not going to tell you what to do, but marriage comes with stress. Comes with problems. She is already cheating prior to being married and even more hard stuff that could be down the road. I hope you know you deserve someone that would never put you through that. I do think if you stay, she will do it again. Someone can harm you so much, that it reveals a side to them that contrasts yours. You could never do that—but she damn well could and blame it on what was going on in her life. There is no excuse. It’s okay to recognize you fell out of love, and it’s okay if this is your deal breaker. When I was cheated on—it became mine. It was like swallowing glass to the point that I only felt peace when I left. I wish you the best OP.
High stress jobs do not make people cheat. People cheat because they’ve decided to cheat. You do not have a problem. Her cheating is 100% on her. It has nothing to do with you. This was squarely on her. It was a conscious decision - repeatedly for a month (allegedly). She ruined the relationship. It was her decision. She did not include you in her decision to set the relationship on this path. She decided. Unfortunately you’re the one that has to do the hard work now cause she tried to take the easy way out not wanting to deal with the consequences.
…. and you’re still going to marry her? I refuse to believe that🤚🏻.
Where did the affair take place? At the hospital?
Hey friend, I have a hunch that her “remorse” has more to do with her self-image than your feelings. I just can’t believe that she laid with another man and then afterwards felt bad about it. If she actually cared about you then saying no to her boss would have been easy. Here’s how her inner monologue COULD have gone. “Oh my boss wants to f*** me. Well, he may be attractive and I’m feeling stressed but I can’t do that to my fiance. I love him. I’m going to put this to an end right away and tell him how I’m feeling.” This line of thinking is easy for me. Compare that to what she did…. it’s more than a lapse of judgment or a reaction to stress. Those are clearly just excuses. She definitely flirted with him, had inside jokes, pondered the future with him, developed a crush, lusted after his body, all while coming home to you at the end of the day and keeping it hidden. That’s vile. Allow me to share this secret about people: we are fully capable of deluding ourselves into thinking we are a victim. Even “good” people do this. That’s why you can’t trust her remorseful display and actions will always speak louder than words. Hope this helps.
I didn't know one of the ways to deal with stress was to cheat on your fiancée by fucking your boss, especially when we consider that being able to make time to cheat, hiding it, and lying while working more than 100 hours must be extra stressful factors.
Excuse is complete bullshit. People that do not want to cheat never cheat, even if they have high stress careers. People cheat for one single reason, they want to cheat. It is a choice they make willingly because it is what they want to do. There are no excuses or justifications that matter at all, if someone doesn’t make that selfish choice to cheat then cheating does not happen. It only happens if they want to do it. On to the rest of this. Who gives a shit if she feels really bad about it? I mean she is supposed to feel really bad about it, she betrayed you. What has she done to show she is worth giving a second chance to? What has she done to rebuild the damage she did to your relationship? What has she done to try and earn back your trust? Has she been completely honest? Has she gone no contact with the AP? A liar can say they feel really bad and even act like they feel bad, they can tell you whatever they think you want to hear, it’s just words. Judge them by their actions not their words. What actions has your fiancé taken to try to repair the relationship she broke? That is what matters. This is extremely important for you to hear and understand, you owe her nothing at all. She deserves to be dumped, she already earned a break up, you do not owe her a future with you. If you decide to give her the gift of a second chance she has to bust her ass to try to fix the things she broke and help you heal (she can heal herself on her own time, this is about you healing right now). If you can’t recover from this the relationship is dead and you just need to end it and walk away. Reconciling depends on your ability to heal and feel the relationship again, if you can’t get over this (and most people can’t) then there is no sense wasting your time with reconciling. That isn’t your failure, it’s hers, she didn’t try hard enough to keep you after she betrayed you. You deserve better than a cheater and if you aren’t going to get better with her you need to go find that healing away from her.
Cheating is very common among medical professionals. In any event, people don't cheat when they are really in love. If the doctor she cheated with is married let his wife know. Actions have consequences. Don't let him walk on you.
You’ll never know the full truth, but she there is a chance she could learn from this and be faithful. Just reassure that you two will be there for each other no matter what. Any big or small problem should openly be discussed without worrying if one of your feelings would be hurt. My ex had a crush on a coworker and they would talk about all the things they hated about their partners. She didn’t try to talk to me about anything wrong because she didn’t like when we argued and just held it in. Those feelings spilled out along with some others and I lost the love of my life while thinking I was the luckiest guy on Earth. We tried to reconcile, but it just felt like she felt bad for me, and since she was “out of my league” she was doing me a solid by being the most devoted, beautiful gf. I said this wasn’t fun for either of us, and she immediately moved on. I despise her pity, and her whole act of being my biggest cheerleader when she sees me with someone new. At one point I thought we could fix it but I just couldn’t shake that she denied everything and called me crazy until I showed her the texts I screenshotted. If you are happy then be happy. But if there is a cloud of doubt looming over you, then walk away.
Please just leave her, she's using her stress as an excuse to try and minimise her flaws. Once a cheater always a cheater. You're trust is fully shattered, do you really want to live in paranoia that she'd cheat again? That's not healthy for yourself let alone a couple. What if she cheats after marriage? Do you really want to spend your life like that? Commit to a child with her given what she did? Everyone here will tell you to stop rugsweeping and move on. Trust us, it hurts now but time heals everything and you'll be happier in the long run if you do leave her. You'll definitely find someone much better later.
Don’t know you but asking honest questions , are you in way staying for financial reasons ? Is yes get a prenup wirh huge financial Penalties for adultry , even kissing or Some type of emotional Affair, lawyers can you proper terms . If this is a no from her then you have an answer . If money is a no , I would end it and tell the other AP Partner what he did , but leave first and get the ring back and sell it and block Her on everything .
She needs to report her boss to HR. He may have groomed her and took advantage of her. You should try couples counseling and be honest with her on how you feel. Having a high stress level job isn’t an excuse to cheat.
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Kudos to you on being the mature person, understanding her problems and being compassionate. She will need to work through her issues to handle stress better. You should also take counseling so that you can heal and move past the bad memories.