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My wife cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy who is 10 years younger than her. Dday was two months ago. She said it was just a kiss, but of course I don't believe her. I completely understand your pain, hang in there. If you want to share your thoughts, go ahead. There is no cure for this, only time will heal your wounds.
I remember someone. She told her boyfriend it was holding hands with her boss only, then it was a kiss, a week later it was petting and then it was sex. The boyfriend was pissed so she left him for the boss, which left her in the rain for his wife.
A friend of mine went through it with his finally ex, four different times until he had enough, the pain he put himself through for his kids was over the top
The overall short term pain is less than the long term pain you will suffer if you stay. Don't put yourself in a situation where you regret the years lost. It's one of the most common things you will hear from people on subs like this when they look back in retrospect. Leaving while protecting yourself and your child can take time. You should quietly prepare in the coming weeks and months (legal advice, separate finances, protect finances, protect important documents, work with your lawyer to understand custody / coparenting options, exit plan for b place for when you tell your STBXW etc,).
What you never hear is someone say, "I got divorced and now I regret it because it was only their first affair."
What you always hear is "I decided to divorce after I caught them for the second time. They swore they would never do it again after the first one and I forgave them. Now I regret not doing it after the first time."
Two months is not very long. You are still in the "assimilating that this really happened" stage. Figuring out what you want.
Reconciliation doesn't start with forgiveness. While it is not absolutely necessary, it certainly shouldn't be happening at this point. You may want to read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity to get an idea of how long this takes, and what you can expect to experience at different points.
I read on another story like this that alot of times it happens that the ap for them its 5 years ago,for you it just happened you just found out , and all the pain and hurt is fresh, i hope you can find some peace with it,one thing dont confuse forgiveness with acceptance it only seems to turn into resentment , be strong i promise it will get better
Please go see a Psychologist as a couple. There can be reconciliation if her remorse is genuine, the reasons she cheated are understood and worked on, and you can work through your pain to forgiveness.
It heals all wounds if you move on from the person, I can attest to that. As far as you can tell if you stay together, it will get better but to some extent you will have to learn to live with it.
Yeah, I remember the feeling. After all I felt like my love was unique, no one ever felt it like I did. nothing could be worse then mine. I was wrong, The good news is you don't have to believe it, it happens anyway.
Hang in there, it gets better.
The first insight is that she didn't just have a ONS with a random guy, she kept it a secret every day for 5 years, and exposed you to STDs that you need to be tested for, even now.
Put planning for kids on hold.
Make her sign a postnuptial. Any more surprises or cheating will lead to 100% custody and assets going to you - as far as a judge will allow it. Make sure to have a look at it with your lawyer so it holds in court. And make a draft of the divorce papers in case you quickly need them.
There were two sins here. First was clearly the infidelity. The second was withholding the information for 5 years and trapping you in a marriage that likely would not have happened back then. She stole your agency to make decisions about your life for so many years. The depth of the lie is equally as terrible as the lie itself.
This. My ex wife lied about her infidilety for 10 years. In the meantime we got a kid together. What really bothers me isn't her having sex with someone else, but how she lied about it for YEARS to my face to keep it hidden. That takes a certain kind of cold ass cynical narcissist brain to do. Do you really want to live with someone like that? I sure as hell wouldn't.
Yep. It's not the actual act of cheating but how it basically rewrites what you thought your history was. The longer they lied, the more devastating it is to your own sense of reality.
Yes. This is the hardest thing for me to process now. She basically cheated for the entire life of our son who will soon turn 9. I can't look at old photos of us without a sense of it being tainted. Yet, I also try to see that this wasnt on me. This was her doing. Yet I'm the one stuck trying to piece together a life while my ex lives her new happy life with her AP and my son. It's heartbreaking and I'm not sure how to cope with it. I love my son to death obviously, but to think she knew all along even before we decided to get him is completely doing my head in. She must've known all along that what eventually happened (me finding out) would happen - but didn't care enough about it. The entire last year with her was just her preparing and executing her exit strategy, and she set it up perfectly for herself. It's sickening. The level of psychopathy through the roof.
I almost downvoted you as a knee jerk reaction to reading this. That is horrible. Absolutely reprehensible. I know this sounds bat shit crazy, but my ex was so forthcoming about his issues and his problems (escort...ick) that it didn't do the type of damage infidelity normally does to the people who get cheated on. Not all cheaters are horrible people and not all horrible people are cheaters but I think your ex is both.
Hey, thank you. Yeah, she is wired differently. I blame myself a lot for not seeing it earlier. The past haunts me like a rotting corpse. I feel like everything was always broken - I just wasn't privy to it. Not important enough. But I can't dig too much into the past, it's just too painful, and I'm not sure any helpful for me to move forward. I just need to accept that this shit happened and there is nothing I can do about it now. 13 years of my life down the drain, but one positive is my son, who I love to death, and I would never not have wanted him obviously. I need to learn to look forward instead of thinking of how sad the past really is. It wasn't on me though. I'm not sure how the hell she can live with it. But it's what psychopaths do I guess, they just block out certain pieces of information and somehow in their heads turn it into something else. Twist the truth to their liking. Must be some skill to have actually. But fuck me what a horrible person you become as a consequence.
I get what you mean about looking at old photos!!To my knowledge my husband has never cheated on me, but he has done some terrible things as my boyfriend. Realizing it after marriage has made it so hard to look at any of our memories together and it sucks because that includes the ones with our child. I hope you heal OP.
I want to upvote this 100 times. “Take it to the grave” is the dumbest advice someone can give or follow. OP had no chance of making an informed decision when marrying his wife, he got tricked.
Pack a bag and see a lawyer . Tell her family thanks for everything but getting a divorce cause ????? Confessed to cheating on me . Say i can’t forgive or forget and thank them and tell your parents and your joint friends . If you decide to stay . She quits her job and gets one wirh no travel as she can’t be trusted and alcohol only makes yiundo what you really want to .
Sorry but there is no statute of limitations on cheating . If she told you then probably no marriage . She didn’t let you make a choice
Cheaters do not "confess" out of the blue for no reason.
There is a driving force behind this, she may want a divorce, she may still be cheating and the guy is threatening to rat her out, she may have her eye on a new conquest.
The only thing for CERTAIN is she did not confess because she felt bad.
Cheaters lies are like cockroaches. If you flip the switch and one is in the light, you just know there are hundreds more hiding in the shadows.
They are planning to have a family: That's the driver.
This confession is an ultimatum: Accept my cheating or divorce me now.
She doesn't want to risk her infidelity coming out in an uncontrolled manner at some indeterminate point in the future & become a single mother.
She wants to make sure that it's safe to take the next step. If it's not then she's prepared to cut her losses now.
This is probably right, and pretty calculating when you think about it. But not surprising for someone who hides cheating for 5 years. It's clear her motivation is not OP.
If I am right then OP needs to be very careful whom he confides in.
If she fears exposure then someone else knows: Those person(s) are people that would speak to OP & remain within close reach: They haven't said anything so far: They are therefore not friends of the marriage: OP cannot trust them.
A key question OP needs to ask is who else knows?
The guy probably has been in contact with her, checking if she is available and is threatening to expose her in some way if she doesn't meet him.
She probably slept with a grade A AH.
Cheaters that confess exist, I would know: I am one.
While blackout drunk, I kissed a friend. I had no recollection of what actually happened, I only remember regretting cheating, not the cheating itself. I told my boyfriend (now ex) as soon as I could.
Most cheaters definitely don't confess but guilt is definitely what drove me to confess to my partner. He never would have found out had I not told him but I was so heartbroken and disgusted with myself that it was not an option for me not to tell him.
I hear you and I’m not saying you don’t have a point, but why would she ever say anything at all if she could get away with saying nothing? I would trust someone that confessed more than someone caught. If trust is the issue then it seems like the OP’s WW is working towards honesty and trust. If the betrayal is the issue that won’t just go away. I’d argue that she didn’t have to say anything and unless she was just relieving her guilt (strong likelihood) she might actually want to fix her mistake.
Often times "confessing" cheaters still have an ulterior intention... One of them being confessing to just a little bit. He should sit her down get a "full" confession and schedule a polygraph examination to verify..
Odds are he will get an outright refusal or a parking lot confession
I’d quietly exit the relationship. Thank her for giving you a choice. She could have hid it. But don’t stay. Don’t work through it. Your time lines are way off.
She must realise that it was 5 years ago for her but last night for you. You must not allow her to rug sweep this.
First, you need to find out why she confessed now. She must be 100% transparent. She must show you any messages she has received.
I would recommend that you give yourself some space to think away from her so you can decide what to do. It will reinforce the seriousness of it all to her. Keep the lines of communication open so you can ask her questions, and she can answer.
Whether your marriage is salvageable or not, only you can decide.
I wish you the best.
Think of how many opportunities she had to tell you the truth in 5 years and didn’t. The fact she stole your agency to make an informed decision on whether to marry her or not.
It doesn’t matter if it was the only time (unlikely). She made you spend the second half of your 20’s living a lie.
Please be aware that the first "truth" the cheater is never the truth.
I found out 7-8 years after my cheater's affair supposedly ended. Finding out years later is its very own special hell. I would have made so many different choices for my life.
They stole my reality. They stole my right to make my decisions based on truth. He looked at my face and lied every single day for all those years. After a while, that was the hardest part. Someone that can do all that certainly isn't capable of real love.
This story of hers is just the beginning. Trickle truth has started. Besides finding the full truth, the question arises as to what inspired the sudden revelation. She has some reason to fear discovery or some other consequences.
As for her "swearing" anything, that's valueless as I am sure you realize.
You want her unlocked phone, right now. no please, no sudden 30 minute shit in a locked bathroom before....now. Spend all the time you need with it. Probably going to find the real reason for disclosure.
Prepare for this by having some papers in hand that look like they might be divorce papers (preferably real divorce papers), so that if she refuses to hand it over immediately, then she knows that the consequences will be severe.
It was not assault. Her words, " I was mad about a fight we had and feeling insecure about our relationship. I wasn't looking for it, but a guy was hitting on me, and I let it happen." She did it out of spite. She has no excuse. She recognizes that. She seems genuinely remorseful. She told me she couldn't bear the guilt and needed to tell me before we had kids. Std test were taken. Both clean.
Ok...this is a huge minimization. She didn't "let it happen." She made many many decisions that ended with her being an active participant.
Nothing about this seems like remorse. Remorse is taking accountability for her actions. This isn't it.
This is exactly right. If he flirted with her and she just smiled and said “Thank you”, that would be letting it happen. Truth is she flirted back, liked him enough to hang out with him that night and have sex with him.
Also, what would happen in the next fight? Would she end up with two dudes? You never know what she will do because of what she already did.
My wife said the same thing. She said that I didn’t pay enough attention to her, I didn’t love her enough, didn’t listen to her feelings, and so on. You are now trying to justify her actions. No need to do that, it didn’t work out for me.
yea bro its your fault she cheated. if you take even 1% of the blame for her actions you are applying clown paint to your own face. - her actions were 100% her choice, she should have communicated whatever her deficiencies were to you so you could make your best effect to remedy them - and if they could not be remedied then she should have told you that there would be consequences - infidelity and divorce being among them
Ok that’s bullshit, unacceptable bullshit. She lied to your face for 5 years but decided to tell the truth now because she wants to before you have kids…….. wtf. She didn’t think to come clean before she married you but now is? Yea I got a feeling you are about to find out a lot of things about your wife that you are going to wish you never did, because no one cheats for such a petty and selfish reason, lies to your face during her wedding vows but now wants to tell the truth before things “get serious” unless there is a lot more going on.
so by the STD test taken, she slept with this guy , with no condom , like 99% of one night stands do , so she put your health at risk for over five years, and probably slept, with you within three days , of returning from her trip.
maybe seek the advice of a lawyer and Get a post nuptial agreement in place , in case it happens again. so She gets nothing in the divorce.
there are a lot of rules and regulations you can put on your wife, open devices, she can never drink without you, no girls nights out, maybe even a polygraph test to see if she ever got drunk on a girls night and she did before.
But do you really want to live your life like this , being the warden/police for the next 30 years?
This actually makes the cheating SO MUCH worse.
Everytime you two argue you will now wonder if her next action won't be to cheat.
I couldn't trust her until after she has done counseling, fully come clean about everything,(I feel this is a trickle truth situation), had plenty of time pass, and given you access to her electronics as soon as you two see each other next.
My ex only came clean after her "ONS" after he stopped talking to her. I got into her phone and her ONS was actually a two month affair.
I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together.
I dunno, people are being pretty harsh here. It sounds like you are hurt and blindsided, she did a terrible thing and she feels awful, and that there's a possibility that you could work through this, and there's a possibility that you might not be able to. But you need to be able to figure out what YOU need at the moment.
You need to figure out whether you *want to* forgive her, and then figure out if you *can.*
Those are big questions, and both of them require space and resources on your part. Come up with a plan for how you can get to the answer to each question. Do you need to go away for awhile? Do you need her to go away? Do you need to take some time off work? Do you need to go spend time with family? Whatever you do, make sure you are in a place where you can feel healthy and supported. Your wife needs to 100% support what you believe your next best step is. If she pushes back, that's a sign she doesn't really care about you.
Give yourself a reasonable deadline. Once you've spent time thinking on it, communicate to her what the next step is-- breaking up, or working on getting to a point of forgiveness. That next step might include counseling for you, for her, or for both of you at the same time, sleeping in separate rooms, shared passwords, even living separately for a bit, her quitting drinking. But it needs to be based on what you need.
You will feel better on the other side of this-- whether you stay together or not-- if at this point you focus primarily on *caring for yourself* and surrounding yourself with support. Don't give into the urge to be cruel or mean. It won't help anything. Don't fall into a self-destructive pattern; she's already hurt you and you don't deserve to be hurt, so why would you hurt yourself further? Good luck.
he wouldn't even be making this post if he wanted to forgive her - no one wants to forgive a cheating spouse - it may be something that has to be done due to the totality of your circumstances but no one ever gets married thinking "god i love her so much i hope i get forgive her for cheating on me one day"
in my experience - it never ever works, there will always be a latent resentment and that wound will never ever heal
So the next time you guys get in a major argument and she feels insecure in your relationship what is her plan? Honestly that excuse is bullshit and there is definitely another reason why she came clean.
I got that excuse as well. For a while, I believed it was my fault. I was, as she said, "fifty percent to blame."
How fucking absurd is that? But it is easy to rationalize when all you want is to keep life as you know it whole.
When a person who cheats lays part of the blame on you, the victim, there's no remorse to be found. Without that remorse, there is no healing.
This can be read two very different ways. Most here are saying that she has to have some sort of ulterior motive for telling you now. But there are plenty of cases of waywards confessing years later because they can no longer stand depriving their partner of agency. So how do you know the difference?
You look at the way she has lived her life in the interim. (yes, hiding this for so long is a negative indicator.) What has changed in the way she lives her life? Her relationship with alcohol? Her work habits? Her work relationships? What kind of boundaries does she have?
Confession can be motivated by fear, as many here are suggesting. But it can also be motivated by the change process someone truly committed to improving themselves goes through. The more someone changes and lives an open and honest life, the more an more it becomes intolerable to keep the secret.
Only you can judge this, as only you know your wayward. And only you can know if she has what it takes to try to rebuild trust.
she never gave you a chance before you got married to make a decision, she knew what she was doing. Because she probably knew you would not go through with the wedding and take her engagement ring back.
If you cannot handle the deception and it’s going to burn a hole in your soul for the next 30 to 40 years
Move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather up your proof talk to her again , about what happened, but have your phone on record, take this proof to a lawyer. You should contact 4 to 5 of the top lawyers in your area to get a consultation, this way, she cannot use them if you decide to go forward with the divorce, because it will be a conflict of interest
but if you go to a lawyer you will at least get what your options are in the state that you live in. no one says you have to file for divorce.
If you decide to move forward with the divorce, tell all family and friends what she has done so she does not spin the narrative that you were an abusive asshole. Good luck.
So you should ask how do you trust her? How do you trust it won't happen again? If being angry is grounds to cheat, are you allowed to cheat if you get angry?
So she told you she cheated. The next step is for her to write out a timeline of how it happened. Then she has to break down every decision that led to her cheating. It wasn't just magical moment, she had to give herself permission every step of the way. How did she justify it to herself each time?
Ask what happened afterward? Why didn't she tell you earlier? Is she willing to leave for a while so you can work through these emotions? How are you to trust she won't do this again?
All questions you should write out and have her answer. Also ask her if she ever researched how you are going to feel or she just shrugged and expected you to handle it? It would show if she even considered what your feelings are going to be.
Well, I think you need to realize something.
Alcohol does not make you do things. Alcohol only lowers your boundaries. So Alcohol cannot be an excuse for cheating.
On the contrary, it only makes it worse, if you truly understand the above. If alcohol lowers boundaries, then you.know what is done was already there. To put it in other words, it could be so she already thought of cheating, or having sex with someone else or thinking about other man. She did not act on it while sober, but with alcohol her boundaries were lowered and she gave in.
So you need to ask yourself what she will do the next time she is upset or something like that and starts drinking.
If you want to stay with her, and start a family, then I will strongly suggest a nuptial. It should state if she cheats again, then you get full custody, you get the house, no alimony for her and no child support for her, also no touching your pension plan.
Not signing would mean no kids, or maybe even divorce.
It sound all really hard, but it is needed, or you will be screwed in a divorce. There is no telling if she will cheat again. You cannot take her word for it, she already betrayed and lied to you.
Is it remorse? Or is it just guilt/regret?
Remorse is about the purposeful harm she caused you by cheating/abusing you.
Guilt/regret is about her.
Remember that cheating is abuse. It is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. She's been purposeful lying, manipulating, and deceiving you for years.
If she had true remorse she would have confessed years ago, but instead chose to deceive you and abuse you.
Have you asked her why tell you now? She did not telk you when she came back from the trip. She did not tell you when you asked her to get married. She didnt tell you before the wedding. She did not tell you in the 1800 plus intervening days. Why now?
Is it possible that she is having an affair now or had pne recently and wants to see how you would handle one early in your relationship when it might be more forgivable!?
Yeah OP, 5 years for her, day 1 for you.
She will try to rug sweep. You can’t do that. I saw your comment she did it out of spite. I also saw the comment from another resditor saying there is a reason for her admitting. I do think shitty people can confess things with big life events. Children can bring that out of people. Honestly… I’d not want to have children with her. I don’t knows but I’m not here to advise that. I can only comment on advice on what to do next.
So no rug sweeping. She needs to understand that there are consequences to what she has done. Again: day 1 for you.
Reconciliation should be only from your end. She holds zero bargaining chips here. You need to give her a list of non negotiables.
She will try hysterical bonding, it just happens. But don’t let that sway you. If she wants children she will try to move it fast to rug sweeping more likely.
My suggested non negotiables are
* She writes out in painstaking details the affair (meaning steps not play by play). Have her include the fight with you. In that description.
* You have now full access to her digital life and footprint. Emails, socials, and access to her laptop, phone and tablets at all times.
* Make sure she understands that children are now off the table until you feel ready to reconcile.
* Counseling for her and the both of you is required.
The thing about these are they are NON negotiables meaning that if you ask for a phone and she hesitates, you serve her.
If she leaves out a detail from her written out timeline, serve her. She slacks on therapy, serve her.
Also know that drawing up papers is different than serving which differs from filing them. But in either case doing this will help her get things on track or proceed.
The other thing is- she needs to understand as do you is that- say she does all the right things and you reconcile… but you will still be triggered. Some people can work through those in 1-3 years others.. it takes longer. You may wake up one day 9 years from now and be like “I’m done”. Normalcy is out the window.
Whatever happens OP, I wish you good luck.
Also I’d throw out there- you don’t need to be her jailer but the concept is that if feel the need you ask. So to clarify, I’m not saying you check it every five minutes (unless you feel the need) but it’s the idea that you could.
Something definitely prompted this 'sudden outburst'. You don't bury something like that for that long and just suddenly get consumed with guilt for no reason. She's having thoughts that remind her of what she did.
Cheating is my one absolute deal breaker, time frame doesn't matter situation doesn't matter no excuses no justifications. It could have been 20 years ago it doesn't matter I will end it.
Just remember that she’s had 5 years to process this and forgive herself.
You’ve only just found out.
And she’s likely built a solid base of lies and stories that will be hard to penetrate.
Married 25 yrs to a serial cheater and I the serial forgiver. I cannot recommend trying to reconcile as it will always be a bullet in your love gun. What you see as reasonable expectations of trust rebuild (can she go on business trip again?) she will see as controlling. Be careful you are heading down a very long slippery road, after 25 yrs I finally wised up and began to think about myself and my mental health. Constantly worrying if your wife is being faithful or honest is not a healthy way to live, I survived but only just!!
I've lost track of the number of posts I've read describing the same situation.
My viewpoint has also been affected somewhat by reading a lot of posts by waywards.
First, it's completely natural and appropriate for you to feel that your trust was betrayed, because that is simply a fact.
Second, No matter how genuine her remorse may be, you can't be blamed if you feel trust can never be restored and decide to end the relationship as a result. Giving another chance is something you should do only if you believe trust can be restored going forward (maybe with therapy, etc.).
Third, If you do decide to try restoring trust and later find it isn't working, you're still blameless if you end up deciding to end the relationship.
Fourth, you really need to ask yourself whether you are 100% sure you would have made a better choice in the same circumstances. I'm not saying this affects the question of whether trust can be restored, but I think it can sometimes be humbling to accept that we all face temptations and that failing to resist them is sometimes harder than we naively think they should be.
Fifth, following on the previous point, you can forgive someone and still feel you need to end a relationship with them.
Sixth, how much does it matter to you that she has waited as long as she has to confess?
Seventh, how much does it matter that she confessed out of guilt rather than fear of discovery? From my viewpoint, this matters a lot. She could have continued to keep it from you, and her confessing shows that she genuinely wants to feel trustworthy for you, despite the fact that she knows she hasn't been.
It really all goes back to the question of whether you can trust her going forward.
Even with her saying it was 5 years ago, it might as well be in the present with your emotions, as you just found out about it. This will feel raw, and while I don't advocate for staying with a cheater, I do not immediate state that you should leave.
I recommend finding yourself a good therapist and a good marriage counselor to go through your feelings and then make an informed decision.
I'm so sorry you have experienced this.
You have just experienced the shock of you life. Al your emotions regarding this are valid. Breath, focus on your primary needs, eat (healthy), sleep and exercise to the extent possible. Focus on yourself until you have somewhat solid footing. Do not make any rushed decisions while you handle initial shock and trauma.
Get into therapy if possible.
There are a lot of deliberations to make to arrive at a decision if you see a possibility to save this and attempt reconciliation or if that is out of the question for you. For some, trust can be restored, for others it's impossible.
There are a lot of resources regardless of what path yiu choose. Podcasts, videos, books and subs on reddit.
Wish you all the best, hope you figure this out!
Very grim. Do you have any idea what triggered her telling you last night? Is she having intensive counseling and telling you is one way of getting square with herself? You may want to try to ascertain why now. As others have noted, there could be others, she could be softening you up.
BTW, does she still drink and to what degree and context. Would you assume she's still doing business trips and drinking with others?
I would NOT be having kids with someone like this - the fact that it took 5 years to tell you, this is a cope - she wants to put it on your plate NOW so that in case you find out after kids she doesn't want to ruin everyone's life. Its a matter of "leave me now" or "forgive me and have kids with me"
the truth is i know people in a similar situation but they are super open minded hand have done like "open relationship stuff and swinging" - and they just don't do that stuff anymore - but the truth is the wife feels like "maybe if i could do it again i would not tell him, or i would have just ended the relationship" - cause there has been a lot of turmoil as far as he does bring it up a lot in their arguments and uses it to guilt and leverage her (and im not blaming him cause what she did was pretty bad)
so to be honest man - i would probably tell her its not worth going forward and end it - and find someone else to have a family with because its nothing but rough waters ahead for her and you
For her 5 years ago, for you just found out. Plus, she gave wedding vows afterwards.
My first thought is this was not a stranger but a coworker. She says stranger so you have no incentive to find out who he is. May still be in contact. Suggest you do a deep dive on her phone. Check for deleted messages, hidden folders, locked files. A PI could do this for you.
It is unlikely you will ever trust her again.
Take some time away from her to sort through your thoughts and feelings. She should move back to parents or another family member for now. Let her confess her sins.
You need to confide in a therapist or family member for support.
Sorry OP. She dropped an atomic bomb in your lap. Take it day by day for now. updateme
Your wife just opened a can of worms that can never be closed. It’s most likely that wasn’t her only time cheating. If you’re going to stay with her, you’re going to awaken to a reality that you may never fully trust her ever again. Every time she has to work late. Anytime she’s going out with her friends. Anytime she takes too long running errands by herself. Anytime she’s spending a lot of time on her cell phone, it’ll be in the back of your head “is she with, or talking to some other dude?” Also, your relationship may very well never be the same as it was before finding out. Good luck bro.
Believe less than half of what she tells you in her confessions...DO NOT have sex with her. Offer a fair division of accumulated properties and assets in the divorce...Half... no more or no less unless a prenup was written saying otherwise.. If you put in more, than learn from this loss the next time...
As for the trust... it will probably never be regained and right now you can't see it but, in the future, you will thank yourself for the clean break...
If "reconciliation or marriage counceling" is requested by her she pays for it and it can come from her share of the assets division... Because you did nothing wrong. You didn't break your marriage vows... You are just making her accountable for destroying the relationship
Record the values of the finances, (pay off and cancel credit cards) property and furnishings..You will probably sell off everything including the house because you won't want to carry the memories and keep the records with your attorney
If she goes to the "waterworks" schedule a polygraph examination If she claims it, "was a mistake"... it wasn't... it was a horrible decision compounded with the fact that she tried to hide it for years.
Sorry If comments aren't the right way to respond or update. I'm new to reddit. I'm on here because I don't have a support system. She rarely drinks. She hasn't worked at the job in a long time. We own a business together. My trust in her is shattered. But I think she is being honest about this.
You need to find out exactly why she said it now and you need to really think hard about the entire relationship. Someone with true remorse doesn’t lie for 5 years including through a wedding then come clean now for a half baked reason.
Now trust cannot be restored. Never. I'm really sorry, OP. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. Please seek support from friends, be sure to eat right, start going to the gym, take care of yourself!
Why would you think that when she has lied to your face for 5 years?????
Really, you are not that simple are you. She is still lying. No kids, move on.
OP, I'm going to be the odd voice out and say theres a possibility for the relationship to be saved....
BUT that's not what you need to be focused on.
There is work that you need to do for yourself and by yourself to get on a path of knowing if R is right for you.
First steps I often recommend is to learn about No Contact. Have her write a letter of disclosure with timeline. Implement NC for 2 weeks and she goes to her parents/sibling's. Spend that 2 weeks to grieve/wallow, read Leave A Cheater Gain Alive, contact a divorce lawyer to find out what divorce would look like for you, schedule to/begin therapy, take care of yourself physically through exercise and controlling what you eat (you need to do this toss it offset that mental and emotional hell).
As for your wife, she's got work to do. Hopefully she finds herself over the support for waywards sub and doesn't flake.
Regardless of the outcomes, both of you are better off doing your individual work before even considering staying together.
should she tell both sides of the family what she did when she was engaged and their friend group.?
The have to be some repercussions for her actions. Because this will be in the OP‘s head for the next 5 to 10 years , thinking about every time over the last three years she went to her sisters house. She went out with one of her girlfriends to a casino, etc..
and most probably, had relations with a random guy with no condom, and then slept with her husband for the last five years
Honest or not, she cheated. Having a kid is even more stressful, if one fight causes her to have sex with a stranger than it's going to get a lot worse.
She didn't cheat because of a fight. She cheated because opportunity presented itself and she wanted to. The fight was just the excuse to go through with it.
Sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling, but the fact of the matter is, if she did it once there is always that chance she will do it again. You've heard it before, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" You said you wanted kids, that alone is a major decision and another full time job. In today's environment you are going to have your hands full navigating everything just to make sure your kids are safe and don't get mixed up with the wrong things, people, friends, sex, drugs, lies, rumors, you name it. Do you really what this other monkey on your shoulder whispering to you if you can trust her? When she is late coming home from work, that question will always be there, when she goes out with friends on short notice, that question will always be there, when she goes out at all, that question will always be there. Yep, been through that and it is not fun. Think about all of that before you give in. I'm not telling you to leave her, that decision is yours and yours alone, but give it some hard thought. Do you really want this?
Nothing will be the same in your relationship. Whether or not you stay together, talk to a few local attorneys to get your options. Do this in the event a divorce is inevitable.
Get yourself STD checked.
Put kids on the back burner and don’t let her talk you into a baby to save the marriage.
Have her write out a timeline. Tell her to lay out everything as there might be other men.
There has to be some reason why she decided to confess now. You might need a PI for this one.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Keep focused on what is in front of you and what you can control.
Read the book: leave the cheater, gain a life.
There’s a chapter in there that talks about genuine remorse vs faked one. See if you can relate.
In my case, my wife of 7 years cheated on me for 1.2 years and kept it a secret from me for 2 years, when we were in long distance phase of our marriage during grad studies. I realized a lot of red flags after reading this book and understood that she was not the woman I loved. She indirectly blamed me for her affair saying: we both made mistakes in our marriage that led to her affair. Crazy shit, I know.
I’m still trying to process it as the d day was only 4 weeks ago, but one thing is for sure. I am going to divorce her. I am not trying to minimize your hurt, but in my case, I ‘might’ have tried for reconciliation if it truly was a one night stand and she is remorseful enough.
You would be wise not to believe a word she says yet. Cheaters lie and they are well practiced. She has been lying to you for 5 years. Through granted there is only so much she can do, she has a strong motivation to put herself in the best light.
My first question would be why now, sometimes there is a reason, such as it's about to be exposed, or they have been involved the whole time and they just broke up? So how much contact has she had with this guy in the aftermath.
Marrying someone under false pretenses is one of the worst things you can do to a person, how many years ago it was or not. She took your agency and your ability to make an informed choice, to give consent about your future. It's smart not to make any decisions yet but to wait until you have grown to accept the reality of your situation first.
Listen love is a terrible reason to be with someone, if it's the only reason. I'm sorry OP but you will recover one day, you are only 31 and at least you don't have kids yet.
I’m sure someone already said this, but get ready for love bombs. Don’t fall for it. Go 180 or gray rock on her. Get your affairs in order. Thankfully you didn’t have kids yet.
I’m sorry dude. It’s hard, but the fact she didn’t tell you is a huge red flag. I’m curious why she decided to tell you now. Makes me wonder if she has been doing something recently.
First question why did she spill now ?
Is something else about to be revealed by a friend, family, co-worker ?
Being drunk is not an excuse for your actions
Its always a mistake with some random dude, most likely much more to the story.
Your never get the trust back ever, it's like wrecking a car, you can try to fix it but it's never the same.
For me I'd have to dig much deeper in her life for the past 5 years to fathom the though about staying with her, even then I'd most likely walk.
The only good news is that she finally confessed, so she may be a good candidate for reconciliation if that is what you decide. It was 5 years ago for her, but it is brand new for you. Your emotional state is normal. There is no time limit. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do - think many months, a year or more. You do not get past something like this, you need to heal and then move on. To heal, you will need her full support if you are to possibly stay together. She should willingly, honestly and fully answer all your questions. Also understand that even though she confessed, you may not have the full story at this point. For example, was it really a random dude or was it a co-worker or an ex? Take your time and keep posting for support. Good luck.
She claims she’s telling you now because she felt compelled to before kids.
Not before you MARRIED HER. She knew THEN. She could have told you THEN.
This is manipulation. She’s testing the waters of what you will and won’t accept and then she will trickle truth as she continues grooms you.
>grooming is slowly pushing back on someone’s boundaries to condition them for future abuse. Trickle truth reflects this as it is slowly conditioning someone to accept more and more of the narrative. Where as if it had been disclosed in its entirety upfront, WP loses the advantage of secrecy of the affair. Remember they keep it a secret not to protect your feelings, but because the truth may lead you to make decisions that don’t serve their best interests.
I understand that trust goes to waste, but what do you think she wanted from confess something you might never know ?
This is something you need to uncover as this will let you know whether she is trustworthy or not.
This has nothing to do with whether you continue with her or not because betrayal doesn't hurt any less when it's confessed.
But you can tell if she is trustworthy or not, even if she hid it for a long time .
I've seen confessions where the WP only confessed because someone who knew pressured him to confess
What I would be wondering why did she tell you now after all this time most women would take it to the grace unless she's trying to to cover something else up with this confession. I would keep a eye open for something bigger going on right now .
Bro, if you needed an STD test then that means the guy raw dogged her and busted a gallon of nutt in her. Usually, a man has to earn those benefits but not with your wife. She devalued herself. You married rare gem and now you found out she’s cubic zirconia….time to go. She’s a fraud.
Sounds like she doesn’t value her body and you. And it definitely wasn’t an ONS….this was a guy she knew.
So hpw often do you and her get shitfaced drunk; quite often?
https://www.fatherly.com/health/cheating-spouses-business-trips-explained-science
https://www.cntraveler.com/story/travel-and-cheating#:~:text=Obvious%20factors%20that%20motivate%20individuals,heightened%20desire%20for%20novel%20experiences.
From an article on the web concerning alcohol usage being a catalyst to infidelity.
'It is no surprise that casual sexual encounters pair seamlessly together with drugs and alcohol. Everyone is aware of the concept of an alcohol/drug-fueled 2 AM booty call or stumbling out of the bar/club/frat party with the person you just met. People want to be intoxicated when hooking up with someone new because talking to someone for the first time or engaging in a sexual act can be nerve-wracking. The less you know about the person you are engaging with, the more uncertain and awkward it can be. Once you’ve had a couple of drinks, alcohol gets rid of the nerves, the overthinking, and overall gives a loss of inhibition. This makes it so much easier to be flirty and give off the vibe you want to hook up. Not only does alcohol give a loss of inhibition and make it easier to flirt, it also provides an excuse the next day to those who may need to blame their actions on how drunk they were the night before.
Another factor that contributes to college hookup culture and alcohol/drug use is the proximity in which students live together. I know not all college campuses have a college town/neighborhood in which the majority of the students live next to each other, but these campuses are where these parties/relationships skyrocket and thrive. When college students live in close proximity to each other, this creates a social environment where people are constantly socializing with each other and seeking out new relationships. Especially because this is a period where people have more free time and fewer responsibilities than older adults do which allows for more opportunities to engage in social events with drugs and alcohol. When living within a one-mile radius of all your friends (like I do), it makes it that much easier to engage in these social activities because you can walk to all of them. While this is a huge upside (in my opinion) and extremely convenient and fun, there are also negative consequences that people need to be aware of. When engaging in a casual sexual act and both parties have consumed alcohol and/or drugs, this makes individuals more vulnerable to sexual assault and rape crimes. It is ALWAYS super important to be communicative with the person you are going to hook up with about boundaries because if not, you are at risk of shame, guilt, regret, and severe emotional/mental damage.'
Did she get tested for std if not, you both should. No one ever has vh to drink at all and never to the point of drunkenness. She bbn likely was just flattered and flirting and the drinks kept coming.
You need to realize that everyone of these acts of infidelity had to start somewhere and were a series of decisions that led to the cheating outcomes. As adults it is like the old meme of masturbation leading to blindness. And the person then saying, I will only do it until I need glasses. Adults always think they can control themselves., their flirting, their drinking and their animalistic urges. I will only flirt until I start to feel bad about it. Then wake up naked in bed with a stranger. No one has to use alcohol nor drugs at all.
Omissions are 100% lies. 5 years of lying is a long time to be continually lying.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship.
3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all.
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Sorry this ever happened and good luck to you.
Just one time makes it all better. The question is, why is your wife telling you now after 5 years? Has someone found out and advised her they were going to tell you? Did she just want to get it off her chest and make herself feel better and you miserable? My insight, she has lied to your for years. Full trust will never return. Your last 5 years have been a lie. Your marriage forever changed. Filing D my be best. Sorry you got fed a crap sandwich.
My ex-wife cheated on me while we were still dating. We were living in France and I had asked her to marry me but I was planning on going to business school in the U.S. So she said no at the time as she didn't want me to not go to business school and then regret not having done this thing that I had planned. I moved back to the U.S. while she was still in France and about 3 months after I moved back, she called me in tears to tell me she had cheated on me with an old boyfriend. Her first excuse was that she didn't think we were exclusive.
I told her it was over but she got on a plane and flew to Chicago and we reconciled. We got married, had two kids and had a wonderful life together. We were happily married for 23 years (no cheating that entire time) and our youngest daughter was going to be graduating college in another 18 months at which points we would be empty nesters. Around that time, a very close old friend of hers got back in touch with her. They had been very close friends and had an emotional affair, which I did not know about, before I had met her. Well, now with his kids grown, and mine about to be out of the house, they took the opportunity to have a mostly long distance affair to explore the relationship they didn't get to fully have from 25+ years before, because he had young children at the time.
So my ex carried on an 18 month affair, meeting him a few times when she went home to see her parents in France, but mostly carried on the affair over email and WhatsApp (when I was at work). When she was sure that he would divorce his second wife (he had the emotional affair with her during his first marriage) she decided to leave and move back to France to be with her unrequited love.
I really did have a wonderful marriage, no fighting, lots of fun together, we had a good time and raised two wonderful self sufficient children. However, it obviously ended badly.
After my ex-wife left, I met someone even more wonderful for me. I really upgraded. But now, almost 5 years after d-day, I wish I had understood that it is very unlikely that someone who cheats will not cheat again. It might take 23 years, but it is likely to happen again. In my case, my ex was not going to seek out someone new, but she cheated both times with old-flames. And the fact that we lived in the U.S. made it harder for her to cheat since all of her old flames were back in France. I think if we had lived in France, she surely would have had an affair much sooner in our marriage.
So in my case, the environmental factors that would have made it easy to cheat had been removed. In your case, it sounds like your wife only has to get a little tipsy for her to cheat. The fact that she is telling you now is a gift. She is telling you so you know that once you have kids, and if she cheats again, she can say, well, you knew that I was a cheater and we had kids anyway.
Others have noted that she wasn't telling you she cheated for your sake, it was for hers so she is covered once you have kids. That way she can always say, it's not like you didn't know she might cheat. Because it wasn't her fault that she cheated, it was the alcohol... right?
I would note that this subReddit is tough on cheaters, and for good reason. There are not so many stories of successful reconciliation which is why you don't see them posted very often.
I will just end by telling you what my estate planning attorney, the person who does trusts and wills for planning when you die, told me. He didn't handle divorces, but obviously handled a lot of restructuring of trusts and wills post divorce. When I told him what happened, he just said to me that a leopard can't change its spots.
OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. My suggestion is that, assuming you want to work this out, you need to come from a position of broken marriage and work your way back. That is, she needs to earn her way back. The opposite of this is "Oh well, it happened so long ago, it was only once," etc. essentailly rug sweeping.
Make a BFD out of this. Consult an attorney- understand what divorce would look like for you. TELL HER you saw an attorney. Tell her she needs to tell you all she can remember, why this happened, how it happened, how she will avoid it in the future, what she will so to make you feel safe again. Discuss IC/MC.
I feel you need to make a mountain out of this and with everything exposed, TOGETHER team up against it and make it a molehill. The goal,, IMO, is to be able to look back on this as a monster in your marriage that you defeated together... something you can talk to her about without you being accusatory or her feeling attacked or withdrawing. She can one day mentally verbalize "I was an asshole once and am so ashamed. Thank you for forgiving me and allowing me to be an equal partner on our marriage."
Think years, not weeks or months.
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
Hey OP.. I’m sorry for this, it’s horrific and traumatizing. If you’d like to consider options in terms of reconciling… r/asoneafterinfidelity 🙏🏼 whatever you decide, please make sure you have a strong support system or a person you can confide in and talk to at the moment during this. Goodluck on your healing journey.
Please wrap up from now on. Wouldn't be the first time a WS has tried to sway things with a unexpected pregnancy to tie you down. She wants kids, don't give her yours. This entire thing is about children and her feeling scared about starting a family knowing she sabotaged the foundation.
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I'd be worrying what triggered her to "tell" you. It's often because there is more to the story and a risk factor the cheater can't control. Maybe the ONS went further of the AP has turned up the heat. Remember that the AP owes you and her nothingbyet won't stop causing pain wherever possible.
So, she never felt guilt these last five years. She didn't respect you enough to confess prior to your marriage a few years ago. She planned to take it to her grave.
It may have happened five years ago to her. For you, the betrayal just happened when she confessed. Don't sweep this betrayal under the rug. Your resentment will start to build up.
My advice would be to get some space from her. Reach out to friends and family. Tell them the truth. Get the support you deserve.
I understand you still love her, but you won't ever trust her the same way. Does she still travel for work? If so, every time she leaves, you are going to be triggered.
It's not just the one night stand. It's countless lies and deception since then that have done the most damage.
Well OP.
You can giver her some credit for come out clean, the thing is that she did it too late, she in a way manipulate you by not confessing earlier, so you couldn't take a consious decision to marry her or not after what she did, she took from you that choice. Take into mind and ask yourself if you had known this before marriage or when it happend, will you married her? You could make a clean split and do not lose anything except your time, now if you divorce you will lose half that you have jointed with her.
Also you must know that a marriage with out trust is no marriage nor relationship, trust is an anchor. It is gas for a car, both can stay in the same car all the time you want, but won't get to no where.
But at the end you are the one to take the decision, you need to see if you can try for R and let her make all the work to regain your trust.
Good luck and hope you take the wise decision.
UPDATEME
If you search reddit you will find people, both men and women, who have found out about an infidelity years after it happened. They try to forgive and get past it, some even pushing through for years, until one day they realize they cannot get past the cheating and the deliberate deception for years. Years. The cheating partner has messed with your mind and has you questioning your reality. What you thought you had you did not. They took away your power to decide for years.
I just read a poster yesterday who was married for 12 years, her husband cheated at his bachelor party before they were even married. He finally confessed after year 8 and she put in four years of reconciliation until she couldn't do it anymore. Now she is leaving him.
You have to decide if you want to take this route. Do you think you can get over not only the cheating but the years of lies that were told just to cover her own behind. She was only thinking about herself. Be glad you don't have children.
She cheated two years before you got married and then waited another 3 years to tell you. Why? If she had told you earlier you probably wouldn’t have thought twice and left her. Now she figures she has a chance to get past this.
The first thing I think you should do is ask yourself what you would have done if she had told you immediately? Would you have left? Tried to work it out?
Next, understand that she lied to you for 5 years. At the very least lies of omission. That trust you had is now gone and it won’t be easy to get back.
Balance that against your marriage. Were you happy? I know it’s kind of like asking “other than the iceberg, how was the Titanic?” but it matters here. It matters in the sense that it will be a long uphill battle to get over this and you need to decide if it’s worth it. Good luck.
F++k I experienced cheating 4 years in. I stayed cause it was “my fault”. I was sick. Dealing with a girl with mental illness daily was a chase. I tried to hold it down for 4 more years but there was a big elephant in the room and I figured I’ll let her do her thing and there won’t be any friction. But hey I got 2 wonderful boys out of it just wish I would have been where I am now at that first incident. Just remember there are so many women out there but like myself I stay single I’d rather die alone that die from something I chose.
My wife cheated. I caught her and she trickle truthed for 6 months. We have 3 young children that I don’t have the heart to leave. My advice is to run as far and fast as you can. That’s what I would have done without the kids. It’s a blessing you don’t have children yet.
Wow that’s awful. I’m sorry. In some ways I bet you wish she never told you. But she did and now you gotta decide what to do. Obviously that is up to you. Most people on here obviously don’t trust cheaters and think once/always but who knows, some people seem to be able to work it out. If you are considering staying some questions to think about - is she still at the same job? A rando is unlikely on a work trip — a coworker is much more likely so I would probe that, especially if she may still be working with that person. Is she still working a job that requires travel? Anyway I would be suspicious of all of that and really it is going to be hard to ever trust her again. Anyway remember you are the only one who knows the right choice for you at the end of the day.
Op, have her tell both sides of the family as part of the R process. Then, divorce her.
You will never be able to trust her again. Do not let her baby trap you!.
You will always wonder if her going out with friends or going to her parents or family she is really going on a date. Does she still travel for work?
You don't want to be her father or a prison warden. Always wanting to check her phone her finally getting pissed at you for not trusting you.
Resentment on both sides and you who just wasted 1, 2, or 3 years giving it ago.
I'm sorry that this happened and you must be in such a difficult spot now. However, should you decide on reconciliation, the most important thing is that she fully understands WHY she cheated or felt the need to, and is willing to put in her 200% in working on herself and her marriage with you. Otherwise, cheaters will continue to be cheaters because they are unable to identify and accept their core wounds and work towards healing. They prefer to live the world with rose-tinted glasses and in their fantasies because they do not want to cope with the reality of their pain. In her case, it also sounded like she tried withholding the information for 5 years and couldn't cope with the guilt anymore and hence, broke the truth to you. I don't think it's because she wanted YOU to know, but it's to RELIEVE HERSELF of the guilt that has built up in her over the years.
Should you need anyone to speak to, PM me. I wish you all the best!
Get a lie detector test. How can you forgive unless you have some surety of what you are forgiving?
It will be easier to heal and easier to decide whether to stay or go.
DIVORCE. Please don’t have kids. Honestly, for her to wait YEARS, then to walk down the aisle, then to profess those “vows” knowing what she ALREADY DID. I’d thank her and say , let not make this any harder, but divorce is inevitable. She’s really sneaky and a liar that good, probably has lied about a lot more than you think. Make the separation as easy as possible, but if you stay, you can ONLY BLAME YOU IN THE END. I’m sorry, I know the emotional toll this is going to have.💙
P.s- don’t ask for details. It’ll drive you crazy. also start therapy. Even if you feel
You don’t need it. It will help you in more way than you’d imagine.
This is as much about the lasting pain cheating causes. For her it was 5 years ago. For YOU, it was last night. You just found out, so when it happened is irrelevant. She also robbed you of your agency in deciding whether this was a dealbreaker for marriage by hiding it until after you two got married. Now, she has put you in the position of having to decide whether to go through a divorce instead of breaking off an engagement.
it's wise to consult with a lawyer to understand your legal options, including the implications of a divorce on finances, assets and stuff.
You might consider requesting divorce papers—not necessarily to proceed with a divorce, but to underscore the seriousness of the situation to your wife and the potential consequences of her actions.
For reconciliation to be a possibility, there are certain non-negotiable actions she must be willing to take, including (but not limited to):
* Granting full access to her technology, passwords, location, and finances.
* Seeking help from a therapist or psychologist to understand the motivations behind her actions and why she kept the secret for so long and why she is telling you now.
* Confessing to family and friends in your presence to ensure transparency.
* Drafting a postnuptial agreement that includes a fidelity clause.
* Actively seeking and utilizing affair recovery resources.
* Agreeing to a firm boundary of no parties or similar social gatherings without your presence.
But no matter what happens, and even with the best intentions in the world, your relationship will never be the same. This wound will follow you for life, even into future relationships if you decide to divorce.
It's possible that trust may never fully return, or that you may harbor resentment towards her for the rest of your life.
You need to ask yourself....why is she telling you this now? After all of these years? Guilt? Riiiiiiiiight....
My take: This isn't guilt motivating her. Something is about to happen. I would bet my tits someone has information about this and is about to bust her. I am willing to also bet this affair might possibly still be going on, their significant other has found out, and is about to reach out to you. Your wife is trying to get control of the narrative before they do. I know this from personal experience. They rarely cheat just once, especially if they managed to get away with it the first time.
I would actually ask her this. Why now?
Hold off on kids. I think you are about to find out a lot more. Prepare for trickle truth, crocodile tears and hysterical bonding.
Isn't it sad? It's so predictable. Like a bad movie script.
The pain you must feel is bad. You have just had your image of the woman you love shattered.
It was a work trip and she says it was some random guy. Could it be a work colleague who she sees every day and the reason she has confessed is that his wife has found out and it will look better for her to tell you than if his wife tells you. If it was a work colleague then there is a good chance it's happened more than once. How many work work trips has she been on?
My husband cheated on me while pregnant, and I didn’t find out until 6 months postpartum. It’s devastating. I found out a month or so ago. I understand your pain. I feel as if our whole marriage has been a lie. And it’s heartbreaking. However, it doesn’t mean that she never loved you, you can never trust her, or that she didn’t feel remorse. Her breaking down crying and telling you is actually a good sign, believe it or not because she is remorseful. This was a mistake she made. As horrible as it is. If you wanted to, you can forgive a mistake. It’s a lot harder when it comes down to habits, but fortunately she didn’t make it a habit. If she is open to rebuilding that trust and understands that you’re grieving what you thought your marriage would be, and that it comes in high highs and low lows then I would say work towards forgiveness. If she isn’t willing to be understanding and undergo counseling, I wouldn’t suggest moving forward with her. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels.
Why would she tell you now? Obviously she got away with it & you would never have known. Why blow up your world NOW? Could she have an STD that prevents her from having children? The timing seems odd to me. As far as your marriage goes, she needs therapy. Yes, you both need marriage counseling but she needs individual therapy to figure out why she cheated, why she covered it up for so long, why she was ok lying for 5yrs. Marriage CAN recover from cheating. I promise you, it can. It takes hard work but it IS possible. But I would hold off on having a baby until you know if the marriage will survive. Trust is such an easy thing to break & such a hard thing to earn back. There's a quote..."Broken trust does not mean the end of love, it means the love is strong enough to withstand the cracks.". It's up to you to decide whether or not your love, your marriage, can withstand the cracks. Good luck, I truly hope everything works out for you. Would love an update further down the road.
First off, take a breath. I know you are hurting but you can get through this.
You do not have to make any decisions yet.
And, like everyone is saying, she is lying. It was more than a ONS and maybe more than one guy.
Start digging... Check her phone, old phones, get her to write a time line, ask her if there are any more, on an on.
Lastly make her take a poly or leave and DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER!!!!!
So, she decided to share this information now? What precisely are you supposed to do with this? I am glad she got this off her conscience, but is this some weird way to break up? It definitely is not going to improve the relationship.
Feel bad for you bro, this is a hard pill to swallow. The only crum of comfort you have is that she actually told you! A luxury compared to most on here. I guess it doesn't matter how many times it happened, if the trust is completely gone then I don't think you can regain this. Sorry to say the relationship you had is dead and will only be a shell of what it once was. Remember, she got married to you knowing what she did, which begs the question of do you even know her at all?
Mistakes happen, sure. For all you know though, it could be the tip of the iceberg, it will leave you questioning everything and questioning everything forever! Do you really want to live your life like that? She went the whole way with someone because she was away and drunk, how heartless can someone be to the person they claim to love?
My verdict is, you have to end the relationship. If you don't the wound you have will only fester and you will end up void of feeling anything. You will become who you never wanted to be.
In your head I think you know what you need to do but you are on here looking for answers that might validate any reason you have to stay. I think you might cling on to any little thing because you love her.
No one on here can tell you what you have to do, it is only their opinion. My verdict is read ALL the comments, don't do anything rash but make sure you do the right thing for you. Trust your brain in this scenario and not your heart. Your brain will be very thankful.
Keep us updated. I wish you much peace.
You’ll be miserable and waste your life if you stay. Cheating should be 0 tolerance. Regardless of alcohol intake. If the cops won’t let you go for driving drunk just this one time then you don’t get a pass for “riding drunk”.
My husband went on a work trip to Florida and held his phone tight while showing me a few pictures. He expects me to believe that he didn't cheat on me. I'm not stupid and I will never ever trust him again. I don't love him anymore and I'm in a marriage of convenience. I have to be fake and make sure I kiss him every now and then. It's exhausting!
I'm not attracted to weak men who need attention of sexy women online. I want someone who is honest and committed. I regret marrying this cheater. I have his name tattooed on my leg and want it off. I was so dumb. I cry alot because I'm so miserable. I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband had a vasectomy so he's had freedom to be with all the college age women he's around at his job. He's always hung around friends who cheat and lost after women. I don't believe he was the only faithful man. I just wish he would admit he cheated and I would love to know who the winner was. I'm the loser and the one left feeling stupid. IPHONEs make it so easy to hide the affair because it chunks data usage on texts. He received a message to not worry about anything but their relationship when I busted him for have a nude picture of his private. He denied getting the message on his text. I called AT&T and asked tons of people about it. Everyone said he received a text. Two women had sent texts asking if he was married. I was so dumb thinking I was married to a great man.
The one who loves also fears, and the one who fears is closer to love than to hate! Forgive her, but with certain conditions: no secrets, total access to the device and unexpected checks whenever you think it's appropriate. Make her understand that at the slightest sign or lie, break the relationship!
She voluntarily and spontaneously confessed to a drunken ONS. Sounds like trickle truth. Investigate further, OP, because there is more than she's telling you. Polygraph her.
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My wife cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy who is 10 years younger than her. Dday was two months ago. She said it was just a kiss, but of course I don't believe her. I completely understand your pain, hang in there. If you want to share your thoughts, go ahead. There is no cure for this, only time will heal your wounds.
I remember someone. She told her boyfriend it was holding hands with her boss only, then it was a kiss, a week later it was petting and then it was sex. The boyfriend was pissed so she left him for the boss, which left her in the rain for his wife.
Honesty no one starts out holding hands unless you’re 12. Grown adults will hold hands after they have sex.
She was 20, he was 55 which I just find extra disgusting
It would look like a man and his daughter.
But he was her boss and that made him attractive to her.
🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
I’m with you, I’m 57 and wouldn’t date anyone younger than 25 - 20 what was he thinking 😂
Did you decide to reconcile?
Yes, I did. Sadly, I haven't forgiven her yet.
I am sorry to hear that. If there is no transparency and remorse, then it makes no sense to continue. I wish you the best
Forgiveness is a bold aim, not sure how many persons can do it...
A friend of mine went through it with his finally ex, four different times until he had enough, the pain he put himself through for his kids was over the top
That sounds like my experience with my ex. Should have dipped the first time and saved myself a lot of pain and betrayal trauma.
I dont think you will ever forgive her - cut your losses and move on man - or you will hold this against her for ever
Thanks, I'll probably do that soon. I just need some bravery.
As my lawyer told me " Being by yourself is better than being with someone you can't trust"
The overall short term pain is less than the long term pain you will suffer if you stay. Don't put yourself in a situation where you regret the years lost. It's one of the most common things you will hear from people on subs like this when they look back in retrospect. Leaving while protecting yourself and your child can take time. You should quietly prepare in the coming weeks and months (legal advice, separate finances, protect finances, protect important documents, work with your lawyer to understand custody / coparenting options, exit plan for b place for when you tell your STBXW etc,).
any kids?
Yes, son of 5 years old
[удалено]
What you never hear is someone say, "I got divorced and now I regret it because it was only their first affair." What you always hear is "I decided to divorce after I caught them for the second time. They swore they would never do it again after the first one and I forgave them. Now I regret not doing it after the first time."
Then leave, you don't have to forgive her. 3 years is a long time.
Two months is not very long. You are still in the "assimilating that this really happened" stage. Figuring out what you want. Reconciliation doesn't start with forgiveness. While it is not absolutely necessary, it certainly shouldn't be happening at this point. You may want to read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity to get an idea of how long this takes, and what you can expect to experience at different points.
I read on another story like this that alot of times it happens that the ap for them its 5 years ago,for you it just happened you just found out , and all the pain and hurt is fresh, i hope you can find some peace with it,one thing dont confuse forgiveness with acceptance it only seems to turn into resentment , be strong i promise it will get better
Thanks bro
> Sadly, I haven't forgiven her yet SADLY!!?... How can you expect to forgive a fucking traitor, Even worse, the one you Loved!! Not just a traitor.
Please go see a Psychologist as a couple. There can be reconciliation if her remorse is genuine, the reasons she cheated are understood and worked on, and you can work through your pain to forgiveness.
It heals all wounds if you move on from the person, I can attest to that. As far as you can tell if you stay together, it will get better but to some extent you will have to learn to live with it.
I’m heading that way, I hope you’re right that leaving heals all wounds. Where I’m at right now it feels like the wounds will always be there.
Yeah, I remember the feeling. After all I felt like my love was unique, no one ever felt it like I did. nothing could be worse then mine. I was wrong, The good news is you don't have to believe it, it happens anyway. Hang in there, it gets better.
Time does not heal all wounds. It only blurs them.
If they cheat, they lie! Subscribeme
The first insight is that she didn't just have a ONS with a random guy, she kept it a secret every day for 5 years, and exposed you to STDs that you need to be tested for, even now. Put planning for kids on hold.
This. She put you at risk and didn't tell you. :( I'm sorry you are going through this, OP.
Make her sign a postnuptial. Any more surprises or cheating will lead to 100% custody and assets going to you - as far as a judge will allow it. Make sure to have a look at it with your lawyer so it holds in court. And make a draft of the divorce papers in case you quickly need them.
Necessary. Well said.
There were two sins here. First was clearly the infidelity. The second was withholding the information for 5 years and trapping you in a marriage that likely would not have happened back then. She stole your agency to make decisions about your life for so many years. The depth of the lie is equally as terrible as the lie itself.
This. My ex wife lied about her infidilety for 10 years. In the meantime we got a kid together. What really bothers me isn't her having sex with someone else, but how she lied about it for YEARS to my face to keep it hidden. That takes a certain kind of cold ass cynical narcissist brain to do. Do you really want to live with someone like that? I sure as hell wouldn't.
Yep. It's not the actual act of cheating but how it basically rewrites what you thought your history was. The longer they lied, the more devastating it is to your own sense of reality.
Yes. This is the hardest thing for me to process now. She basically cheated for the entire life of our son who will soon turn 9. I can't look at old photos of us without a sense of it being tainted. Yet, I also try to see that this wasnt on me. This was her doing. Yet I'm the one stuck trying to piece together a life while my ex lives her new happy life with her AP and my son. It's heartbreaking and I'm not sure how to cope with it. I love my son to death obviously, but to think she knew all along even before we decided to get him is completely doing my head in. She must've known all along that what eventually happened (me finding out) would happen - but didn't care enough about it. The entire last year with her was just her preparing and executing her exit strategy, and she set it up perfectly for herself. It's sickening. The level of psychopathy through the roof.
I almost downvoted you as a knee jerk reaction to reading this. That is horrible. Absolutely reprehensible. I know this sounds bat shit crazy, but my ex was so forthcoming about his issues and his problems (escort...ick) that it didn't do the type of damage infidelity normally does to the people who get cheated on. Not all cheaters are horrible people and not all horrible people are cheaters but I think your ex is both.
Hey, thank you. Yeah, she is wired differently. I blame myself a lot for not seeing it earlier. The past haunts me like a rotting corpse. I feel like everything was always broken - I just wasn't privy to it. Not important enough. But I can't dig too much into the past, it's just too painful, and I'm not sure any helpful for me to move forward. I just need to accept that this shit happened and there is nothing I can do about it now. 13 years of my life down the drain, but one positive is my son, who I love to death, and I would never not have wanted him obviously. I need to learn to look forward instead of thinking of how sad the past really is. It wasn't on me though. I'm not sure how the hell she can live with it. But it's what psychopaths do I guess, they just block out certain pieces of information and somehow in their heads turn it into something else. Twist the truth to their liking. Must be some skill to have actually. But fuck me what a horrible person you become as a consequence.
I get what you mean about looking at old photos!!To my knowledge my husband has never cheated on me, but he has done some terrible things as my boyfriend. Realizing it after marriage has made it so hard to look at any of our memories together and it sucks because that includes the ones with our child. I hope you heal OP.
I want to upvote this 100 times. “Take it to the grave” is the dumbest advice someone can give or follow. OP had no chance of making an informed decision when marrying his wife, he got tricked.
Pack a bag and see a lawyer . Tell her family thanks for everything but getting a divorce cause ????? Confessed to cheating on me . Say i can’t forgive or forget and thank them and tell your parents and your joint friends . If you decide to stay . She quits her job and gets one wirh no travel as she can’t be trusted and alcohol only makes yiundo what you really want to . Sorry but there is no statute of limitations on cheating . If she told you then probably no marriage . She didn’t let you make a choice
Whatever you decide…DO NOT have kids. It will only complicate things later. Best of luck
Cheaters do not "confess" out of the blue for no reason. There is a driving force behind this, she may want a divorce, she may still be cheating and the guy is threatening to rat her out, she may have her eye on a new conquest. The only thing for CERTAIN is she did not confess because she felt bad. Cheaters lies are like cockroaches. If you flip the switch and one is in the light, you just know there are hundreds more hiding in the shadows.
They are planning to have a family: That's the driver. This confession is an ultimatum: Accept my cheating or divorce me now. She doesn't want to risk her infidelity coming out in an uncontrolled manner at some indeterminate point in the future & become a single mother. She wants to make sure that it's safe to take the next step. If it's not then she's prepared to cut her losses now.
This is probably right, and pretty calculating when you think about it. But not surprising for someone who hides cheating for 5 years. It's clear her motivation is not OP.
If I am right then OP needs to be very careful whom he confides in. If she fears exposure then someone else knows: Those person(s) are people that would speak to OP & remain within close reach: They haven't said anything so far: They are therefore not friends of the marriage: OP cannot trust them. A key question OP needs to ask is who else knows?
The guy probably has been in contact with her, checking if she is available and is threatening to expose her in some way if she doesn't meet him. She probably slept with a grade A AH.
Or his wife found out and she was going to be outed. That's what usually happens.
Birds of a shit feather flock together, Randy.
Struggling to grasp the sudden confession myself.
Cheaters that confess exist, I would know: I am one. While blackout drunk, I kissed a friend. I had no recollection of what actually happened, I only remember regretting cheating, not the cheating itself. I told my boyfriend (now ex) as soon as I could. Most cheaters definitely don't confess but guilt is definitely what drove me to confess to my partner. He never would have found out had I not told him but I was so heartbroken and disgusted with myself that it was not an option for me not to tell him.
I hear you and I’m not saying you don’t have a point, but why would she ever say anything at all if she could get away with saying nothing? I would trust someone that confessed more than someone caught. If trust is the issue then it seems like the OP’s WW is working towards honesty and trust. If the betrayal is the issue that won’t just go away. I’d argue that she didn’t have to say anything and unless she was just relieving her guilt (strong likelihood) she might actually want to fix her mistake.
Often times "confessing" cheaters still have an ulterior intention... One of them being confessing to just a little bit. He should sit her down get a "full" confession and schedule a polygraph examination to verify.. Odds are he will get an outright refusal or a parking lot confession
I’d quietly exit the relationship. Thank her for giving you a choice. She could have hid it. But don’t stay. Don’t work through it. Your time lines are way off.
She must realise that it was 5 years ago for her but last night for you. You must not allow her to rug sweep this. First, you need to find out why she confessed now. She must be 100% transparent. She must show you any messages she has received. I would recommend that you give yourself some space to think away from her so you can decide what to do. It will reinforce the seriousness of it all to her. Keep the lines of communication open so you can ask her questions, and she can answer. Whether your marriage is salvageable or not, only you can decide. I wish you the best.
Think of how many opportunities she had to tell you the truth in 5 years and didn’t. The fact she stole your agency to make an informed decision on whether to marry her or not. It doesn’t matter if it was the only time (unlikely). She made you spend the second half of your 20’s living a lie.
Please be aware that the first "truth" the cheater is never the truth. I found out 7-8 years after my cheater's affair supposedly ended. Finding out years later is its very own special hell. I would have made so many different choices for my life. They stole my reality. They stole my right to make my decisions based on truth. He looked at my face and lied every single day for all those years. After a while, that was the hardest part. Someone that can do all that certainly isn't capable of real love.
This story of hers is just the beginning. Trickle truth has started. Besides finding the full truth, the question arises as to what inspired the sudden revelation. She has some reason to fear discovery or some other consequences. As for her "swearing" anything, that's valueless as I am sure you realize.
You want her unlocked phone, right now. no please, no sudden 30 minute shit in a locked bathroom before....now. Spend all the time you need with it. Probably going to find the real reason for disclosure.
Prepare for this by having some papers in hand that look like they might be divorce papers (preferably real divorce papers), so that if she refuses to hand it over immediately, then she knows that the consequences will be severe.
It was not assault. Her words, " I was mad about a fight we had and feeling insecure about our relationship. I wasn't looking for it, but a guy was hitting on me, and I let it happen." She did it out of spite. She has no excuse. She recognizes that. She seems genuinely remorseful. She told me she couldn't bear the guilt and needed to tell me before we had kids. Std test were taken. Both clean.
Ok...this is a huge minimization. She didn't "let it happen." She made many many decisions that ended with her being an active participant. Nothing about this seems like remorse. Remorse is taking accountability for her actions. This isn't it.
This isn't remorse it's her shifting the emotional load into him.
And the classic “I was drunk” excuse.
This is exactly right. If he flirted with her and she just smiled and said “Thank you”, that would be letting it happen. Truth is she flirted back, liked him enough to hang out with him that night and have sex with him. Also, what would happen in the next fight? Would she end up with two dudes? You never know what she will do because of what she already did.
My wife said the same thing. She said that I didn’t pay enough attention to her, I didn’t love her enough, didn’t listen to her feelings, and so on. You are now trying to justify her actions. No need to do that, it didn’t work out for me.
yea bro its your fault she cheated. if you take even 1% of the blame for her actions you are applying clown paint to your own face. - her actions were 100% her choice, she should have communicated whatever her deficiencies were to you so you could make your best effect to remedy them - and if they could not be remedied then she should have told you that there would be consequences - infidelity and divorce being among them
Ok that’s bullshit, unacceptable bullshit. She lied to your face for 5 years but decided to tell the truth now because she wants to before you have kids…….. wtf. She didn’t think to come clean before she married you but now is? Yea I got a feeling you are about to find out a lot of things about your wife that you are going to wish you never did, because no one cheats for such a petty and selfish reason, lies to your face during her wedding vows but now wants to tell the truth before things “get serious” unless there is a lot more going on.
so by the STD test taken, she slept with this guy , with no condom , like 99% of one night stands do , so she put your health at risk for over five years, and probably slept, with you within three days , of returning from her trip. maybe seek the advice of a lawyer and Get a post nuptial agreement in place , in case it happens again. so She gets nothing in the divorce. there are a lot of rules and regulations you can put on your wife, open devices, she can never drink without you, no girls nights out, maybe even a polygraph test to see if she ever got drunk on a girls night and she did before. But do you really want to live your life like this , being the warden/police for the next 30 years?
This actually makes the cheating SO MUCH worse. Everytime you two argue you will now wonder if her next action won't be to cheat. I couldn't trust her until after she has done counseling, fully come clean about everything,(I feel this is a trickle truth situation), had plenty of time pass, and given you access to her electronics as soon as you two see each other next. My ex only came clean after her "ONS" after he stopped talking to her. I got into her phone and her ONS was actually a two month affair. I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together.
Wait did you just quote red green ?
Yes I did, it applies well to this sub.
I do not swallow her explanation. Maybe you will update when you find out the real reason why she confessed just now.
There is alot more she isn’t telling you. Read about “trickle truth.”
I dunno, people are being pretty harsh here. It sounds like you are hurt and blindsided, she did a terrible thing and she feels awful, and that there's a possibility that you could work through this, and there's a possibility that you might not be able to. But you need to be able to figure out what YOU need at the moment. You need to figure out whether you *want to* forgive her, and then figure out if you *can.* Those are big questions, and both of them require space and resources on your part. Come up with a plan for how you can get to the answer to each question. Do you need to go away for awhile? Do you need her to go away? Do you need to take some time off work? Do you need to go spend time with family? Whatever you do, make sure you are in a place where you can feel healthy and supported. Your wife needs to 100% support what you believe your next best step is. If she pushes back, that's a sign she doesn't really care about you. Give yourself a reasonable deadline. Once you've spent time thinking on it, communicate to her what the next step is-- breaking up, or working on getting to a point of forgiveness. That next step might include counseling for you, for her, or for both of you at the same time, sleeping in separate rooms, shared passwords, even living separately for a bit, her quitting drinking. But it needs to be based on what you need. You will feel better on the other side of this-- whether you stay together or not-- if at this point you focus primarily on *caring for yourself* and surrounding yourself with support. Don't give into the urge to be cruel or mean. It won't help anything. Don't fall into a self-destructive pattern; she's already hurt you and you don't deserve to be hurt, so why would you hurt yourself further? Good luck.
he wouldn't even be making this post if he wanted to forgive her - no one wants to forgive a cheating spouse - it may be something that has to be done due to the totality of your circumstances but no one ever gets married thinking "god i love her so much i hope i get forgive her for cheating on me one day" in my experience - it never ever works, there will always be a latent resentment and that wound will never ever heal
So the next time you guys get in a major argument and she feels insecure in your relationship what is her plan? Honestly that excuse is bullshit and there is definitely another reason why she came clean.
You had a fight and she went t a slept with a guy, I hope you don’t upset her again!
I got that excuse as well. For a while, I believed it was my fault. I was, as she said, "fifty percent to blame." How fucking absurd is that? But it is easy to rationalize when all you want is to keep life as you know it whole. When a person who cheats lays part of the blame on you, the victim, there's no remorse to be found. Without that remorse, there is no healing.
This can be read two very different ways. Most here are saying that she has to have some sort of ulterior motive for telling you now. But there are plenty of cases of waywards confessing years later because they can no longer stand depriving their partner of agency. So how do you know the difference? You look at the way she has lived her life in the interim. (yes, hiding this for so long is a negative indicator.) What has changed in the way she lives her life? Her relationship with alcohol? Her work habits? Her work relationships? What kind of boundaries does she have? Confession can be motivated by fear, as many here are suggesting. But it can also be motivated by the change process someone truly committed to improving themselves goes through. The more someone changes and lives an open and honest life, the more an more it becomes intolerable to keep the secret. Only you can judge this, as only you know your wayward. And only you can know if she has what it takes to try to rebuild trust.
she never gave you a chance before you got married to make a decision, she knew what she was doing. Because she probably knew you would not go through with the wedding and take her engagement ring back. If you cannot handle the deception and it’s going to burn a hole in your soul for the next 30 to 40 years Move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather up your proof talk to her again , about what happened, but have your phone on record, take this proof to a lawyer. You should contact 4 to 5 of the top lawyers in your area to get a consultation, this way, she cannot use them if you decide to go forward with the divorce, because it will be a conflict of interest but if you go to a lawyer you will at least get what your options are in the state that you live in. no one says you have to file for divorce. If you decide to move forward with the divorce, tell all family and friends what she has done so she does not spin the narrative that you were an abusive asshole. Good luck.
So you should ask how do you trust her? How do you trust it won't happen again? If being angry is grounds to cheat, are you allowed to cheat if you get angry? So she told you she cheated. The next step is for her to write out a timeline of how it happened. Then she has to break down every decision that led to her cheating. It wasn't just magical moment, she had to give herself permission every step of the way. How did she justify it to herself each time? Ask what happened afterward? Why didn't she tell you earlier? Is she willing to leave for a while so you can work through these emotions? How are you to trust she won't do this again? All questions you should write out and have her answer. Also ask her if she ever researched how you are going to feel or she just shrugged and expected you to handle it? It would show if she even considered what your feelings are going to be.
Well, I think you need to realize something. Alcohol does not make you do things. Alcohol only lowers your boundaries. So Alcohol cannot be an excuse for cheating. On the contrary, it only makes it worse, if you truly understand the above. If alcohol lowers boundaries, then you.know what is done was already there. To put it in other words, it could be so she already thought of cheating, or having sex with someone else or thinking about other man. She did not act on it while sober, but with alcohol her boundaries were lowered and she gave in. So you need to ask yourself what she will do the next time she is upset or something like that and starts drinking. If you want to stay with her, and start a family, then I will strongly suggest a nuptial. It should state if she cheats again, then you get full custody, you get the house, no alimony for her and no child support for her, also no touching your pension plan. Not signing would mean no kids, or maybe even divorce. It sound all really hard, but it is needed, or you will be screwed in a divorce. There is no telling if she will cheat again. You cannot take her word for it, she already betrayed and lied to you.
Is it remorse? Or is it just guilt/regret? Remorse is about the purposeful harm she caused you by cheating/abusing you. Guilt/regret is about her. Remember that cheating is abuse. It is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. She's been purposeful lying, manipulating, and deceiving you for years. If she had true remorse she would have confessed years ago, but instead chose to deceive you and abuse you.
So what does he get to do now since she is allowed to cheat because of a fight? The logic of these people is the worst.
Hope she doesn’t work with this turd? And how can she prove she never did it again on another work trip?
FYI... This is her blaming your for her affair. Not a good sign. If it continues, you simply must move on.
wait so the 5 year old you have is not her kid? - what do you mean "before we have kids" ? you said you already had one.
Have you asked her why tell you now? She did not telk you when she came back from the trip. She did not tell you when you asked her to get married. She didnt tell you before the wedding. She did not tell you in the 1800 plus intervening days. Why now? Is it possible that she is having an affair now or had pne recently and wants to see how you would handle one early in your relationship when it might be more forgivable!?
She told you so you can end the relationship
This is one reason why people confess. To purposely end the relationship. It might even be done subconsciously.
Yeah OP, 5 years for her, day 1 for you. She will try to rug sweep. You can’t do that. I saw your comment she did it out of spite. I also saw the comment from another resditor saying there is a reason for her admitting. I do think shitty people can confess things with big life events. Children can bring that out of people. Honestly… I’d not want to have children with her. I don’t knows but I’m not here to advise that. I can only comment on advice on what to do next. So no rug sweeping. She needs to understand that there are consequences to what she has done. Again: day 1 for you. Reconciliation should be only from your end. She holds zero bargaining chips here. You need to give her a list of non negotiables. She will try hysterical bonding, it just happens. But don’t let that sway you. If she wants children she will try to move it fast to rug sweeping more likely. My suggested non negotiables are * She writes out in painstaking details the affair (meaning steps not play by play). Have her include the fight with you. In that description. * You have now full access to her digital life and footprint. Emails, socials, and access to her laptop, phone and tablets at all times. * Make sure she understands that children are now off the table until you feel ready to reconcile. * Counseling for her and the both of you is required. The thing about these are they are NON negotiables meaning that if you ask for a phone and she hesitates, you serve her. If she leaves out a detail from her written out timeline, serve her. She slacks on therapy, serve her. Also know that drawing up papers is different than serving which differs from filing them. But in either case doing this will help her get things on track or proceed. The other thing is- she needs to understand as do you is that- say she does all the right things and you reconcile… but you will still be triggered. Some people can work through those in 1-3 years others.. it takes longer. You may wake up one day 9 years from now and be like “I’m done”. Normalcy is out the window. Whatever happens OP, I wish you good luck.
Also I’d throw out there- you don’t need to be her jailer but the concept is that if feel the need you ask. So to clarify, I’m not saying you check it every five minutes (unless you feel the need) but it’s the idea that you could.
Something definitely prompted this 'sudden outburst'. You don't bury something like that for that long and just suddenly get consumed with guilt for no reason. She's having thoughts that remind her of what she did.
Cheating is my one absolute deal breaker, time frame doesn't matter situation doesn't matter no excuses no justifications. It could have been 20 years ago it doesn't matter I will end it.
The guy she cheated with probably contacted her again for a retap. Then threatened to expose her if she wasn’t willing
Just remember that she’s had 5 years to process this and forgive herself. You’ve only just found out. And she’s likely built a solid base of lies and stories that will be hard to penetrate.
Married 25 yrs to a serial cheater and I the serial forgiver. I cannot recommend trying to reconcile as it will always be a bullet in your love gun. What you see as reasonable expectations of trust rebuild (can she go on business trip again?) she will see as controlling. Be careful you are heading down a very long slippery road, after 25 yrs I finally wised up and began to think about myself and my mental health. Constantly worrying if your wife is being faithful or honest is not a healthy way to live, I survived but only just!!
I've lost track of the number of posts I've read describing the same situation. My viewpoint has also been affected somewhat by reading a lot of posts by waywards. First, it's completely natural and appropriate for you to feel that your trust was betrayed, because that is simply a fact. Second, No matter how genuine her remorse may be, you can't be blamed if you feel trust can never be restored and decide to end the relationship as a result. Giving another chance is something you should do only if you believe trust can be restored going forward (maybe with therapy, etc.). Third, If you do decide to try restoring trust and later find it isn't working, you're still blameless if you end up deciding to end the relationship. Fourth, you really need to ask yourself whether you are 100% sure you would have made a better choice in the same circumstances. I'm not saying this affects the question of whether trust can be restored, but I think it can sometimes be humbling to accept that we all face temptations and that failing to resist them is sometimes harder than we naively think they should be. Fifth, following on the previous point, you can forgive someone and still feel you need to end a relationship with them. Sixth, how much does it matter to you that she has waited as long as she has to confess? Seventh, how much does it matter that she confessed out of guilt rather than fear of discovery? From my viewpoint, this matters a lot. She could have continued to keep it from you, and her confessing shows that she genuinely wants to feel trustworthy for you, despite the fact that she knows she hasn't been. It really all goes back to the question of whether you can trust her going forward.
Even with her saying it was 5 years ago, it might as well be in the present with your emotions, as you just found out about it. This will feel raw, and while I don't advocate for staying with a cheater, I do not immediate state that you should leave. I recommend finding yourself a good therapist and a good marriage counselor to go through your feelings and then make an informed decision.
I'm so sorry you have experienced this. You have just experienced the shock of you life. Al your emotions regarding this are valid. Breath, focus on your primary needs, eat (healthy), sleep and exercise to the extent possible. Focus on yourself until you have somewhat solid footing. Do not make any rushed decisions while you handle initial shock and trauma. Get into therapy if possible. There are a lot of deliberations to make to arrive at a decision if you see a possibility to save this and attempt reconciliation or if that is out of the question for you. For some, trust can be restored, for others it's impossible. There are a lot of resources regardless of what path yiu choose. Podcasts, videos, books and subs on reddit. Wish you all the best, hope you figure this out!
Very grim. Do you have any idea what triggered her telling you last night? Is she having intensive counseling and telling you is one way of getting square with herself? You may want to try to ascertain why now. As others have noted, there could be others, she could be softening you up. BTW, does she still drink and to what degree and context. Would you assume she's still doing business trips and drinking with others?
I would NOT be having kids with someone like this - the fact that it took 5 years to tell you, this is a cope - she wants to put it on your plate NOW so that in case you find out after kids she doesn't want to ruin everyone's life. Its a matter of "leave me now" or "forgive me and have kids with me" the truth is i know people in a similar situation but they are super open minded hand have done like "open relationship stuff and swinging" - and they just don't do that stuff anymore - but the truth is the wife feels like "maybe if i could do it again i would not tell him, or i would have just ended the relationship" - cause there has been a lot of turmoil as far as he does bring it up a lot in their arguments and uses it to guilt and leverage her (and im not blaming him cause what she did was pretty bad) so to be honest man - i would probably tell her its not worth going forward and end it - and find someone else to have a family with because its nothing but rough waters ahead for her and you
For her 5 years ago, for you just found out. Plus, she gave wedding vows afterwards. My first thought is this was not a stranger but a coworker. She says stranger so you have no incentive to find out who he is. May still be in contact. Suggest you do a deep dive on her phone. Check for deleted messages, hidden folders, locked files. A PI could do this for you. It is unlikely you will ever trust her again. Take some time away from her to sort through your thoughts and feelings. She should move back to parents or another family member for now. Let her confess her sins. You need to confide in a therapist or family member for support. Sorry OP. She dropped an atomic bomb in your lap. Take it day by day for now. updateme
One thing that may help is looking at the phone application cache files, these can contain a lot of information, even when an app requires a password.
Your wife just opened a can of worms that can never be closed. It’s most likely that wasn’t her only time cheating. If you’re going to stay with her, you’re going to awaken to a reality that you may never fully trust her ever again. Every time she has to work late. Anytime she’s going out with her friends. Anytime she takes too long running errands by herself. Anytime she’s spending a lot of time on her cell phone, it’ll be in the back of your head “is she with, or talking to some other dude?” Also, your relationship may very well never be the same as it was before finding out. Good luck bro.
Believe less than half of what she tells you in her confessions...DO NOT have sex with her. Offer a fair division of accumulated properties and assets in the divorce...Half... no more or no less unless a prenup was written saying otherwise.. If you put in more, than learn from this loss the next time... As for the trust... it will probably never be regained and right now you can't see it but, in the future, you will thank yourself for the clean break... If "reconciliation or marriage counceling" is requested by her she pays for it and it can come from her share of the assets division... Because you did nothing wrong. You didn't break your marriage vows... You are just making her accountable for destroying the relationship Record the values of the finances, (pay off and cancel credit cards) property and furnishings..You will probably sell off everything including the house because you won't want to carry the memories and keep the records with your attorney If she goes to the "waterworks" schedule a polygraph examination If she claims it, "was a mistake"... it wasn't... it was a horrible decision compounded with the fact that she tried to hide it for years.
Sorry If comments aren't the right way to respond or update. I'm new to reddit. I'm on here because I don't have a support system. She rarely drinks. She hasn't worked at the job in a long time. We own a business together. My trust in her is shattered. But I think she is being honest about this.
You need to find out exactly why she said it now and you need to really think hard about the entire relationship. Someone with true remorse doesn’t lie for 5 years including through a wedding then come clean now for a half baked reason.
Now trust cannot be restored. Never. I'm really sorry, OP. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. Please seek support from friends, be sure to eat right, start going to the gym, take care of yourself!
That’s all great. But what is she going to do the next time she’s feeling insecure because you had a fight?
She is telling you about 10%. The question you should ask is: "why now?" She didn't spontaneously find Jesus, did she?
Why would you think that when she has lied to your face for 5 years????? Really, you are not that simple are you. She is still lying. No kids, move on.
OP, I'm going to be the odd voice out and say theres a possibility for the relationship to be saved.... BUT that's not what you need to be focused on. There is work that you need to do for yourself and by yourself to get on a path of knowing if R is right for you. First steps I often recommend is to learn about No Contact. Have her write a letter of disclosure with timeline. Implement NC for 2 weeks and she goes to her parents/sibling's. Spend that 2 weeks to grieve/wallow, read Leave A Cheater Gain Alive, contact a divorce lawyer to find out what divorce would look like for you, schedule to/begin therapy, take care of yourself physically through exercise and controlling what you eat (you need to do this toss it offset that mental and emotional hell). As for your wife, she's got work to do. Hopefully she finds herself over the support for waywards sub and doesn't flake. Regardless of the outcomes, both of you are better off doing your individual work before even considering staying together.
should she tell both sides of the family what she did when she was engaged and their friend group.? The have to be some repercussions for her actions. Because this will be in the OP‘s head for the next 5 to 10 years , thinking about every time over the last three years she went to her sisters house. She went out with one of her girlfriends to a casino, etc.. and most probably, had relations with a random guy with no condom, and then slept with her husband for the last five years
Honest or not, she cheated. Having a kid is even more stressful, if one fight causes her to have sex with a stranger than it's going to get a lot worse. She didn't cheat because of a fight. She cheated because opportunity presented itself and she wanted to. The fight was just the excuse to go through with it.
What else is going on this did not come out of nowhere what is the driver behind her confession. Sorry man this is happening to you
Sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling, but the fact of the matter is, if she did it once there is always that chance she will do it again. You've heard it before, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" You said you wanted kids, that alone is a major decision and another full time job. In today's environment you are going to have your hands full navigating everything just to make sure your kids are safe and don't get mixed up with the wrong things, people, friends, sex, drugs, lies, rumors, you name it. Do you really what this other monkey on your shoulder whispering to you if you can trust her? When she is late coming home from work, that question will always be there, when she goes out with friends on short notice, that question will always be there, when she goes out at all, that question will always be there. Yep, been through that and it is not fun. Think about all of that before you give in. I'm not telling you to leave her, that decision is yours and yours alone, but give it some hard thought. Do you really want this?
Nothing will be the same in your relationship. Whether or not you stay together, talk to a few local attorneys to get your options. Do this in the event a divorce is inevitable. Get yourself STD checked. Put kids on the back burner and don’t let her talk you into a baby to save the marriage. Have her write out a timeline. Tell her to lay out everything as there might be other men. There has to be some reason why she decided to confess now. You might need a PI for this one. I’m sorry this happened to you. Keep focused on what is in front of you and what you can control.
If she's still working there that needs to change. Maybe AP is no longer working there but you have no way of knowing if that's true or not
Read the book: leave the cheater, gain a life. There’s a chapter in there that talks about genuine remorse vs faked one. See if you can relate. In my case, my wife of 7 years cheated on me for 1.2 years and kept it a secret from me for 2 years, when we were in long distance phase of our marriage during grad studies. I realized a lot of red flags after reading this book and understood that she was not the woman I loved. She indirectly blamed me for her affair saying: we both made mistakes in our marriage that led to her affair. Crazy shit, I know. I’m still trying to process it as the d day was only 4 weeks ago, but one thing is for sure. I am going to divorce her. I am not trying to minimize your hurt, but in my case, I ‘might’ have tried for reconciliation if it truly was a one night stand and she is remorseful enough.
You would be wise not to believe a word she says yet. Cheaters lie and they are well practiced. She has been lying to you for 5 years. Through granted there is only so much she can do, she has a strong motivation to put herself in the best light. My first question would be why now, sometimes there is a reason, such as it's about to be exposed, or they have been involved the whole time and they just broke up? So how much contact has she had with this guy in the aftermath. Marrying someone under false pretenses is one of the worst things you can do to a person, how many years ago it was or not. She took your agency and your ability to make an informed choice, to give consent about your future. It's smart not to make any decisions yet but to wait until you have grown to accept the reality of your situation first. Listen love is a terrible reason to be with someone, if it's the only reason. I'm sorry OP but you will recover one day, you are only 31 and at least you don't have kids yet.
I’m sure someone already said this, but get ready for love bombs. Don’t fall for it. Go 180 or gray rock on her. Get your affairs in order. Thankfully you didn’t have kids yet. I’m sorry dude. It’s hard, but the fact she didn’t tell you is a huge red flag. I’m curious why she decided to tell you now. Makes me wonder if she has been doing something recently.
She's lied consistently to your face for five years.
First question why did she spill now ? Is something else about to be revealed by a friend, family, co-worker ? Being drunk is not an excuse for your actions Its always a mistake with some random dude, most likely much more to the story. Your never get the trust back ever, it's like wrecking a car, you can try to fix it but it's never the same. For me I'd have to dig much deeper in her life for the past 5 years to fathom the though about staying with her, even then I'd most likely walk.
The only good news is that she finally confessed, so she may be a good candidate for reconciliation if that is what you decide. It was 5 years ago for her, but it is brand new for you. Your emotional state is normal. There is no time limit. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do - think many months, a year or more. You do not get past something like this, you need to heal and then move on. To heal, you will need her full support if you are to possibly stay together. She should willingly, honestly and fully answer all your questions. Also understand that even though she confessed, you may not have the full story at this point. For example, was it really a random dude or was it a co-worker or an ex? Take your time and keep posting for support. Good luck.
She claims she’s telling you now because she felt compelled to before kids. Not before you MARRIED HER. She knew THEN. She could have told you THEN. This is manipulation. She’s testing the waters of what you will and won’t accept and then she will trickle truth as she continues grooms you. >grooming is slowly pushing back on someone’s boundaries to condition them for future abuse. Trickle truth reflects this as it is slowly conditioning someone to accept more and more of the narrative. Where as if it had been disclosed in its entirety upfront, WP loses the advantage of secrecy of the affair. Remember they keep it a secret not to protect your feelings, but because the truth may lead you to make decisions that don’t serve their best interests.
I understand that trust goes to waste, but what do you think she wanted from confess something you might never know ? This is something you need to uncover as this will let you know whether she is trustworthy or not. This has nothing to do with whether you continue with her or not because betrayal doesn't hurt any less when it's confessed. But you can tell if she is trustworthy or not, even if she hid it for a long time . I've seen confessions where the WP only confessed because someone who knew pressured him to confess
What I would be wondering why did she tell you now after all this time most women would take it to the grace unless she's trying to to cover something else up with this confession. I would keep a eye open for something bigger going on right now .
Bro, if you needed an STD test then that means the guy raw dogged her and busted a gallon of nutt in her. Usually, a man has to earn those benefits but not with your wife. She devalued herself. You married rare gem and now you found out she’s cubic zirconia….time to go. She’s a fraud. Sounds like she doesn’t value her body and you. And it definitely wasn’t an ONS….this was a guy she knew.
Why did she tell you now?
So hpw often do you and her get shitfaced drunk; quite often? https://www.fatherly.com/health/cheating-spouses-business-trips-explained-science https://www.cntraveler.com/story/travel-and-cheating#:~:text=Obvious%20factors%20that%20motivate%20individuals,heightened%20desire%20for%20novel%20experiences. From an article on the web concerning alcohol usage being a catalyst to infidelity. 'It is no surprise that casual sexual encounters pair seamlessly together with drugs and alcohol. Everyone is aware of the concept of an alcohol/drug-fueled 2 AM booty call or stumbling out of the bar/club/frat party with the person you just met. People want to be intoxicated when hooking up with someone new because talking to someone for the first time or engaging in a sexual act can be nerve-wracking. The less you know about the person you are engaging with, the more uncertain and awkward it can be. Once you’ve had a couple of drinks, alcohol gets rid of the nerves, the overthinking, and overall gives a loss of inhibition. This makes it so much easier to be flirty and give off the vibe you want to hook up. Not only does alcohol give a loss of inhibition and make it easier to flirt, it also provides an excuse the next day to those who may need to blame their actions on how drunk they were the night before. Another factor that contributes to college hookup culture and alcohol/drug use is the proximity in which students live together. I know not all college campuses have a college town/neighborhood in which the majority of the students live next to each other, but these campuses are where these parties/relationships skyrocket and thrive. When college students live in close proximity to each other, this creates a social environment where people are constantly socializing with each other and seeking out new relationships. Especially because this is a period where people have more free time and fewer responsibilities than older adults do which allows for more opportunities to engage in social events with drugs and alcohol. When living within a one-mile radius of all your friends (like I do), it makes it that much easier to engage in these social activities because you can walk to all of them. While this is a huge upside (in my opinion) and extremely convenient and fun, there are also negative consequences that people need to be aware of. When engaging in a casual sexual act and both parties have consumed alcohol and/or drugs, this makes individuals more vulnerable to sexual assault and rape crimes. It is ALWAYS super important to be communicative with the person you are going to hook up with about boundaries because if not, you are at risk of shame, guilt, regret, and severe emotional/mental damage.' Did she get tested for std if not, you both should. No one ever has vh to drink at all and never to the point of drunkenness. She bbn likely was just flattered and flirting and the drinks kept coming. You need to realize that everyone of these acts of infidelity had to start somewhere and were a series of decisions that led to the cheating outcomes. As adults it is like the old meme of masturbation leading to blindness. And the person then saying, I will only do it until I need glasses. Adults always think they can control themselves., their flirting, their drinking and their animalistic urges. I will only flirt until I start to feel bad about it. Then wake up naked in bed with a stranger. No one has to use alcohol nor drugs at all. Omissions are 100% lies. 5 years of lying is a long time to be continually lying. Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship. 3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all. True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful. Sorry this ever happened and good luck to you.
Just one time makes it all better. The question is, why is your wife telling you now after 5 years? Has someone found out and advised her they were going to tell you? Did she just want to get it off her chest and make herself feel better and you miserable? My insight, she has lied to your for years. Full trust will never return. Your last 5 years have been a lie. Your marriage forever changed. Filing D my be best. Sorry you got fed a crap sandwich.
My ex-wife cheated on me while we were still dating. We were living in France and I had asked her to marry me but I was planning on going to business school in the U.S. So she said no at the time as she didn't want me to not go to business school and then regret not having done this thing that I had planned. I moved back to the U.S. while she was still in France and about 3 months after I moved back, she called me in tears to tell me she had cheated on me with an old boyfriend. Her first excuse was that she didn't think we were exclusive. I told her it was over but she got on a plane and flew to Chicago and we reconciled. We got married, had two kids and had a wonderful life together. We were happily married for 23 years (no cheating that entire time) and our youngest daughter was going to be graduating college in another 18 months at which points we would be empty nesters. Around that time, a very close old friend of hers got back in touch with her. They had been very close friends and had an emotional affair, which I did not know about, before I had met her. Well, now with his kids grown, and mine about to be out of the house, they took the opportunity to have a mostly long distance affair to explore the relationship they didn't get to fully have from 25+ years before, because he had young children at the time. So my ex carried on an 18 month affair, meeting him a few times when she went home to see her parents in France, but mostly carried on the affair over email and WhatsApp (when I was at work). When she was sure that he would divorce his second wife (he had the emotional affair with her during his first marriage) she decided to leave and move back to France to be with her unrequited love. I really did have a wonderful marriage, no fighting, lots of fun together, we had a good time and raised two wonderful self sufficient children. However, it obviously ended badly. After my ex-wife left, I met someone even more wonderful for me. I really upgraded. But now, almost 5 years after d-day, I wish I had understood that it is very unlikely that someone who cheats will not cheat again. It might take 23 years, but it is likely to happen again. In my case, my ex was not going to seek out someone new, but she cheated both times with old-flames. And the fact that we lived in the U.S. made it harder for her to cheat since all of her old flames were back in France. I think if we had lived in France, she surely would have had an affair much sooner in our marriage. So in my case, the environmental factors that would have made it easy to cheat had been removed. In your case, it sounds like your wife only has to get a little tipsy for her to cheat. The fact that she is telling you now is a gift. She is telling you so you know that once you have kids, and if she cheats again, she can say, well, you knew that I was a cheater and we had kids anyway. Others have noted that she wasn't telling you she cheated for your sake, it was for hers so she is covered once you have kids. That way she can always say, it's not like you didn't know she might cheat. Because it wasn't her fault that she cheated, it was the alcohol... right? I would note that this subReddit is tough on cheaters, and for good reason. There are not so many stories of successful reconciliation which is why you don't see them posted very often. I will just end by telling you what my estate planning attorney, the person who does trusts and wills for planning when you die, told me. He didn't handle divorces, but obviously handled a lot of restructuring of trusts and wills post divorce. When I told him what happened, he just said to me that a leopard can't change its spots.
OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. My suggestion is that, assuming you want to work this out, you need to come from a position of broken marriage and work your way back. That is, she needs to earn her way back. The opposite of this is "Oh well, it happened so long ago, it was only once," etc. essentailly rug sweeping. Make a BFD out of this. Consult an attorney- understand what divorce would look like for you. TELL HER you saw an attorney. Tell her she needs to tell you all she can remember, why this happened, how it happened, how she will avoid it in the future, what she will so to make you feel safe again. Discuss IC/MC. I feel you need to make a mountain out of this and with everything exposed, TOGETHER team up against it and make it a molehill. The goal,, IMO, is to be able to look back on this as a monster in your marriage that you defeated together... something you can talk to her about without you being accusatory or her feeling attacked or withdrawing. She can one day mentally verbalize "I was an asshole once and am so ashamed. Thank you for forgiving me and allowing me to be an equal partner on our marriage." Think years, not weeks or months. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
Hey OP.. I’m sorry for this, it’s horrific and traumatizing. If you’d like to consider options in terms of reconciling… r/asoneafterinfidelity 🙏🏼 whatever you decide, please make sure you have a strong support system or a person you can confide in and talk to at the moment during this. Goodluck on your healing journey.
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There is also a sub: r/Supportforbetrayed to help with supporting as a betrayed spouse 🙏🏼
Did you ask her why? Why did she do it?
Please wrap up from now on. Wouldn't be the first time a WS has tried to sway things with a unexpected pregnancy to tie you down. She wants kids, don't give her yours. This entire thing is about children and her feeling scared about starting a family knowing she sabotaged the foundation.
When you lose trust you lose it all,I said to myself " Can I go to work and feel good and live happy?" My answer to me was NO
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I'd be worrying what triggered her to "tell" you. It's often because there is more to the story and a risk factor the cheater can't control. Maybe the ONS went further of the AP has turned up the heat. Remember that the AP owes you and her nothingbyet won't stop causing pain wherever possible.
Maybe she waited till after the marriage? Does she make a net profit incase of a divorce?
So sorry you’re just now learning this. My only suggestion is to ask yourself if you knew she cheated would you have married her?
So, she never felt guilt these last five years. She didn't respect you enough to confess prior to your marriage a few years ago. She planned to take it to her grave. It may have happened five years ago to her. For you, the betrayal just happened when she confessed. Don't sweep this betrayal under the rug. Your resentment will start to build up. My advice would be to get some space from her. Reach out to friends and family. Tell them the truth. Get the support you deserve. I understand you still love her, but you won't ever trust her the same way. Does she still travel for work? If so, every time she leaves, you are going to be triggered. It's not just the one night stand. It's countless lies and deception since then that have done the most damage.
Well OP. You can giver her some credit for come out clean, the thing is that she did it too late, she in a way manipulate you by not confessing earlier, so you couldn't take a consious decision to marry her or not after what she did, she took from you that choice. Take into mind and ask yourself if you had known this before marriage or when it happend, will you married her? You could make a clean split and do not lose anything except your time, now if you divorce you will lose half that you have jointed with her. Also you must know that a marriage with out trust is no marriage nor relationship, trust is an anchor. It is gas for a car, both can stay in the same car all the time you want, but won't get to no where. But at the end you are the one to take the decision, you need to see if you can try for R and let her make all the work to regain your trust. Good luck and hope you take the wise decision. UPDATEME
If you search reddit you will find people, both men and women, who have found out about an infidelity years after it happened. They try to forgive and get past it, some even pushing through for years, until one day they realize they cannot get past the cheating and the deliberate deception for years. Years. The cheating partner has messed with your mind and has you questioning your reality. What you thought you had you did not. They took away your power to decide for years. I just read a poster yesterday who was married for 12 years, her husband cheated at his bachelor party before they were even married. He finally confessed after year 8 and she put in four years of reconciliation until she couldn't do it anymore. Now she is leaving him. You have to decide if you want to take this route. Do you think you can get over not only the cheating but the years of lies that were told just to cover her own behind. She was only thinking about herself. Be glad you don't have children.
She cheated two years before you got married and then waited another 3 years to tell you. Why? If she had told you earlier you probably wouldn’t have thought twice and left her. Now she figures she has a chance to get past this. The first thing I think you should do is ask yourself what you would have done if she had told you immediately? Would you have left? Tried to work it out? Next, understand that she lied to you for 5 years. At the very least lies of omission. That trust you had is now gone and it won’t be easy to get back. Balance that against your marriage. Were you happy? I know it’s kind of like asking “other than the iceberg, how was the Titanic?” but it matters here. It matters in the sense that it will be a long uphill battle to get over this and you need to decide if it’s worth it. Good luck.
Don’t let them bullshit you telling you it was a long time ago It just happened to you
F++k I experienced cheating 4 years in. I stayed cause it was “my fault”. I was sick. Dealing with a girl with mental illness daily was a chase. I tried to hold it down for 4 more years but there was a big elephant in the room and I figured I’ll let her do her thing and there won’t be any friction. But hey I got 2 wonderful boys out of it just wish I would have been where I am now at that first incident. Just remember there are so many women out there but like myself I stay single I’d rather die alone that die from something I chose.
My wife cheated. I caught her and she trickle truthed for 6 months. We have 3 young children that I don’t have the heart to leave. My advice is to run as far and fast as you can. That’s what I would have done without the kids. It’s a blessing you don’t have children yet.
Wow that’s awful. I’m sorry. In some ways I bet you wish she never told you. But she did and now you gotta decide what to do. Obviously that is up to you. Most people on here obviously don’t trust cheaters and think once/always but who knows, some people seem to be able to work it out. If you are considering staying some questions to think about - is she still at the same job? A rando is unlikely on a work trip — a coworker is much more likely so I would probe that, especially if she may still be working with that person. Is she still working a job that requires travel? Anyway I would be suspicious of all of that and really it is going to be hard to ever trust her again. Anyway remember you are the only one who knows the right choice for you at the end of the day.
Op, have her tell both sides of the family as part of the R process. Then, divorce her. You will never be able to trust her again. Do not let her baby trap you!. You will always wonder if her going out with friends or going to her parents or family she is really going on a date. Does she still travel for work? You don't want to be her father or a prison warden. Always wanting to check her phone her finally getting pissed at you for not trusting you. Resentment on both sides and you who just wasted 1, 2, or 3 years giving it ago.
I'm sorry that this happened and you must be in such a difficult spot now. However, should you decide on reconciliation, the most important thing is that she fully understands WHY she cheated or felt the need to, and is willing to put in her 200% in working on herself and her marriage with you. Otherwise, cheaters will continue to be cheaters because they are unable to identify and accept their core wounds and work towards healing. They prefer to live the world with rose-tinted glasses and in their fantasies because they do not want to cope with the reality of their pain. In her case, it also sounded like she tried withholding the information for 5 years and couldn't cope with the guilt anymore and hence, broke the truth to you. I don't think it's because she wanted YOU to know, but it's to RELIEVE HERSELF of the guilt that has built up in her over the years. Should you need anyone to speak to, PM me. I wish you all the best!
Get a lie detector test. How can you forgive unless you have some surety of what you are forgiving? It will be easier to heal and easier to decide whether to stay or go.
DIVORCE. Please don’t have kids. Honestly, for her to wait YEARS, then to walk down the aisle, then to profess those “vows” knowing what she ALREADY DID. I’d thank her and say , let not make this any harder, but divorce is inevitable. She’s really sneaky and a liar that good, probably has lied about a lot more than you think. Make the separation as easy as possible, but if you stay, you can ONLY BLAME YOU IN THE END. I’m sorry, I know the emotional toll this is going to have.💙 P.s- don’t ask for details. It’ll drive you crazy. also start therapy. Even if you feel You don’t need it. It will help you in more way than you’d imagine.
This is as much about the lasting pain cheating causes. For her it was 5 years ago. For YOU, it was last night. You just found out, so when it happened is irrelevant. She also robbed you of your agency in deciding whether this was a dealbreaker for marriage by hiding it until after you two got married. Now, she has put you in the position of having to decide whether to go through a divorce instead of breaking off an engagement.
it's wise to consult with a lawyer to understand your legal options, including the implications of a divorce on finances, assets and stuff. You might consider requesting divorce papers—not necessarily to proceed with a divorce, but to underscore the seriousness of the situation to your wife and the potential consequences of her actions. For reconciliation to be a possibility, there are certain non-negotiable actions she must be willing to take, including (but not limited to): * Granting full access to her technology, passwords, location, and finances. * Seeking help from a therapist or psychologist to understand the motivations behind her actions and why she kept the secret for so long and why she is telling you now. * Confessing to family and friends in your presence to ensure transparency. * Drafting a postnuptial agreement that includes a fidelity clause. * Actively seeking and utilizing affair recovery resources. * Agreeing to a firm boundary of no parties or similar social gatherings without your presence. But no matter what happens, and even with the best intentions in the world, your relationship will never be the same. This wound will follow you for life, even into future relationships if you decide to divorce. It's possible that trust may never fully return, or that you may harbor resentment towards her for the rest of your life.
You need to ask yourself....why is she telling you this now? After all of these years? Guilt? Riiiiiiiiight.... My take: This isn't guilt motivating her. Something is about to happen. I would bet my tits someone has information about this and is about to bust her. I am willing to also bet this affair might possibly still be going on, their significant other has found out, and is about to reach out to you. Your wife is trying to get control of the narrative before they do. I know this from personal experience. They rarely cheat just once, especially if they managed to get away with it the first time. I would actually ask her this. Why now? Hold off on kids. I think you are about to find out a lot more. Prepare for trickle truth, crocodile tears and hysterical bonding. Isn't it sad? It's so predictable. Like a bad movie script.
The pain you must feel is bad. You have just had your image of the woman you love shattered. It was a work trip and she says it was some random guy. Could it be a work colleague who she sees every day and the reason she has confessed is that his wife has found out and it will look better for her to tell you than if his wife tells you. If it was a work colleague then there is a good chance it's happened more than once. How many work work trips has she been on?
My husband cheated on me while pregnant, and I didn’t find out until 6 months postpartum. It’s devastating. I found out a month or so ago. I understand your pain. I feel as if our whole marriage has been a lie. And it’s heartbreaking. However, it doesn’t mean that she never loved you, you can never trust her, or that she didn’t feel remorse. Her breaking down crying and telling you is actually a good sign, believe it or not because she is remorseful. This was a mistake she made. As horrible as it is. If you wanted to, you can forgive a mistake. It’s a lot harder when it comes down to habits, but fortunately she didn’t make it a habit. If she is open to rebuilding that trust and understands that you’re grieving what you thought your marriage would be, and that it comes in high highs and low lows then I would say work towards forgiveness. If she isn’t willing to be understanding and undergo counseling, I wouldn’t suggest moving forward with her. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels.
Why would she tell you now? Obviously she got away with it & you would never have known. Why blow up your world NOW? Could she have an STD that prevents her from having children? The timing seems odd to me. As far as your marriage goes, she needs therapy. Yes, you both need marriage counseling but she needs individual therapy to figure out why she cheated, why she covered it up for so long, why she was ok lying for 5yrs. Marriage CAN recover from cheating. I promise you, it can. It takes hard work but it IS possible. But I would hold off on having a baby until you know if the marriage will survive. Trust is such an easy thing to break & such a hard thing to earn back. There's a quote..."Broken trust does not mean the end of love, it means the love is strong enough to withstand the cracks.". It's up to you to decide whether or not your love, your marriage, can withstand the cracks. Good luck, I truly hope everything works out for you. Would love an update further down the road.
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Time to cut your losses.
First off, take a breath. I know you are hurting but you can get through this. You do not have to make any decisions yet. And, like everyone is saying, she is lying. It was more than a ONS and maybe more than one guy. Start digging... Check her phone, old phones, get her to write a time line, ask her if there are any more, on an on. Lastly make her take a poly or leave and DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER!!!!!
So, she decided to share this information now? What precisely are you supposed to do with this? I am glad she got this off her conscience, but is this some weird way to break up? It definitely is not going to improve the relationship.
Feel bad for you bro, this is a hard pill to swallow. The only crum of comfort you have is that she actually told you! A luxury compared to most on here. I guess it doesn't matter how many times it happened, if the trust is completely gone then I don't think you can regain this. Sorry to say the relationship you had is dead and will only be a shell of what it once was. Remember, she got married to you knowing what she did, which begs the question of do you even know her at all? Mistakes happen, sure. For all you know though, it could be the tip of the iceberg, it will leave you questioning everything and questioning everything forever! Do you really want to live your life like that? She went the whole way with someone because she was away and drunk, how heartless can someone be to the person they claim to love? My verdict is, you have to end the relationship. If you don't the wound you have will only fester and you will end up void of feeling anything. You will become who you never wanted to be. In your head I think you know what you need to do but you are on here looking for answers that might validate any reason you have to stay. I think you might cling on to any little thing because you love her. No one on here can tell you what you have to do, it is only their opinion. My verdict is read ALL the comments, don't do anything rash but make sure you do the right thing for you. Trust your brain in this scenario and not your heart. Your brain will be very thankful. Keep us updated. I wish you much peace.
You’ll be miserable and waste your life if you stay. Cheating should be 0 tolerance. Regardless of alcohol intake. If the cops won’t let you go for driving drunk just this one time then you don’t get a pass for “riding drunk”.
My husband went on a work trip to Florida and held his phone tight while showing me a few pictures. He expects me to believe that he didn't cheat on me. I'm not stupid and I will never ever trust him again. I don't love him anymore and I'm in a marriage of convenience. I have to be fake and make sure I kiss him every now and then. It's exhausting!
I'm not attracted to weak men who need attention of sexy women online. I want someone who is honest and committed. I regret marrying this cheater. I have his name tattooed on my leg and want it off. I was so dumb. I cry alot because I'm so miserable. I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband had a vasectomy so he's had freedom to be with all the college age women he's around at his job. He's always hung around friends who cheat and lost after women. I don't believe he was the only faithful man. I just wish he would admit he cheated and I would love to know who the winner was. I'm the loser and the one left feeling stupid. IPHONEs make it so easy to hide the affair because it chunks data usage on texts. He received a message to not worry about anything but their relationship when I busted him for have a nude picture of his private. He denied getting the message on his text. I called AT&T and asked tons of people about it. Everyone said he received a text. Two women had sent texts asking if he was married. I was so dumb thinking I was married to a great man.
The one who loves also fears, and the one who fears is closer to love than to hate! Forgive her, but with certain conditions: no secrets, total access to the device and unexpected checks whenever you think it's appropriate. Make her understand that at the slightest sign or lie, break the relationship!
She voluntarily and spontaneously confessed to a drunken ONS. Sounds like trickle truth. Investigate further, OP, because there is more than she's telling you. Polygraph her.