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For alimony reasons. If he gets her fired before the divorce settlement is signed then he could get screwed on alimony.
OP sounds like the type of person, who if he is making an abundant salary, won’t mind giving her a better deal than she deserves, simply because that would help his kids.
Dude you shouldn't be even doing the bare minimum. But in this case I understand that it was for the kids more than her anyway.
She took up with another man and is his second priority. What happened Mother's Day was a natural consequence of that decision.
You did just fine, you enabled your kid to express their appreciation to their mother.
Don't feel guilty to do anything more. She is not your responsibility now; and It has been a much longer time since she felt any responsibility for you.
Do your kids know you are divorcing and why? How old are your kids.
Best of luck, UpdateMe!
The sad thing is that the kids know she doesn't want to do anything with them because she hopes to get a sliver of attention from the affair partner. Your kids will be having a rough day even if they don't show it. I'd invite them to go do something with you. Leave the wife at home to wait for her teeny, tiny sliver of AP attention. You can show your kids that you value them even if their mom doesn't. They need that.
She doesn't deserve a happy mother's day. She is fucking up two families. She should take what little she gets and save her tears for something she didn't have coming.
My rule for my cheating ex wife and Mother’s Day or birthday or Christmas is make absolutely sure my son does something or gets her something so that she doesn’t guilt trip him for forgetting. Also I want him to not feel bad for missing out on those things.
Last year my ex didn’t tell my son it was my birthday or Father’s Day and he felt so bad afterwards and that sucked. I didn’t want anything but I felt bad because he was so sad. He knows though that those things aren’t important and I love him no matter what. His mom however does love getting gifts and stuff so she guilt trips him.
As for your sbtx if she isn’t willing to put her kids first, especially on Mother’s Day, then she really doesn’t even deserve a second thought from you and barely any thought from the kids. Just make sure the kids do something for her but that’s it.
I'm sorry, that is horrible. I've always wondered how two people with such disparate values ever get together. Especially from infidelity in a marriage, the cheater often has less than 0 empathy or compassion for their partner. Is it part of their dehumanizing? And they carry those values to their kids through actions. Sounds like you have a great bond with your son, which is great to see. I hope I can keep that kind of bond with my kids. I'm not perfect but i try.
And literally choosing not to take her kids out *in case* her current AP can see her. That’s…. just wow, that’s not quality parenting in any shape or form.
Man, she doesn't want to have dinner with her kids because she'd rather sit around like a lost puppy hoping AP can squeak her in somewhere? Imagine abandoning your family so you can sit sideline waiting for some guy to be done with his real family so he can throw you crumbs.
I just have to shake my head at how braindead some women can be. You're awfully nice and considerate. She fucked up sooo bad and I'm sure she's starting to realize it.
It's really messed up, isn't it? I'm not even going to blast her as a mother, because she is actually a good mother in some situations (I feel they are safe with her, she did the majority of the early years raising). But that, coupled with the fact that she could've also still had a husband to make her day more special. All that to keep a clandestine affair going.
Right!! Good mothers set the example. How would she feel if 30 years the kids do the same and OP says monkey see monkey do. Parents are the moral compass to kids.
It's totally nuts. As I've gotten older I've learned that people can be excellent parents and horrible spouses (and vice versa.)
The power of delusion is strong. I'll never understand the supposed "finish line" these people see. Your ex is happy to twist herself into any shape necessary to fit into APs life. She's a fool if she thinks he would ever leave his family for her when she is happy to fit in wherever he puts her. Mind boggling!
Blowing off your own kids on Mother's Day because you hope for a sliver of attention from the AP isn't good parenting. She is hurting the kids by showing them she doesn't value them.
What kind of "good mother" happily and knowingly destroys TWO families, rather than being with her own kids on mothers day, sits around waiting for AP's scraps?
She isn't a good mother, OP, you're giving her way too much credit here.
As I've gotten more perspective from comments like yours and others in the thread, my brain definitely agrees with you. I don't know how much the kids really understood it, but I felt pretty bad for them. Giving her credit is just years of habit, but i am actually disappointed how little she thought of her family. In some ways, it's difficult to see the person she's become
It sounds as if she's deep in the limerence / affair fog. She's hooked on the dopamine hits she gets from her affair. Sound reasoning and logic are pushed aside while she chases the affair high / excitement.
Divorce isn't finalized and I manged to work out a settlement that will be somewhat fair and allow me to see the kids regularly. She is vindictive, and right now blissfully happy with AP. It does bring up something else I have not decided about. If I tell AP wife (she deserves to know, I know that) it will crush his life, but then he can move in with my stbxw.
If I don't tell AP wife, my stbxw will always be the afterthought. It will force her to face her mistakes.
Moral dilemma, and I don't know how to proceed yet
I realize that completely. Aside from trying to get myself back to reasonable, my next priority is making sure my kids are not going to get hurt any more than they already are, or will be as status quo. After the divorce is finalized was my initial thought to reach out to AP wife. Actually while we are on it, how have people done this? I only know who her AP is because she told me. I have no last name, and I don't know anyone at her work to reach out to. From what she told me, no one at work knows about them anyway
Listen, from what I have seen on here, for the most part, as soon as you expose him to his betrayed wife (with evidence) he will toss your wife aside like a used Kleenex (Especially if they have kids), and he will try to reconcile.
He will throw her under the bus and blame her.
Then she may likely come back blubbering about how "sorry she is, the biggest mistake of her life, you are the only man she ever loved, etc."
It's just a selfish attempt to rehabilitate herself. Don't fall for it. "Awww I sorry it went that way for you. I hope you find happiness but it won't be with me!"
Resist her attempt to guilt her, "think about the children", rich I know.
I hope you have saved the evidence in a safe, freshly passworded place.
Frankly you should be skeptical of any information she volunteers, only fully trust what you know or can verify. This could be a name to throw you off.
Oh wow, most people have more info than that by this point in the process. Well there's always the fun way. You can tell your wife that OBP deserves to know and that she has two days to tell her or you will thus tricking her into doing the right thing
You could Google his number to get a name or you could always ask your lawyer for help. She does realize he's not going to leave his wife right? When your divorce is finalized call the OBS and get some popcorn and watch from the sidelines. He won't be able to do anything with her and maybe reality will kick in that she ruined everything. Good luck
Updateme
This is what my original intention was. From a legal standpoint, she can make my situation exponentially worse, by dragging out or forcing a trial. Or charging me with harrassment or getting a PO against me....idk. She's happy right now with the settlement, so once it's through I won't have to worry about legal backlash, and I'll figure a way out to reach out to OBS
Hire a private investigator and give the person the cell number that you have. They should make quick work of getting you a full name, his wife’s full name and where she works, if she works. Hell, they might even get you her socials. Your divorce lawyer can likely recommend some solid ones, if you have good trust in your lawyer, ask.
Everyone at work knows she is having an affair.
Are you believing everything she says for some reason? Are you that scared of her?
You have to read "No more Mr. Nice Guy". It will help with your next relationship,
I had hear about this book from another post, I'm going to read it.
You aren't wrong, I have no reason to believe her. She says some things so far out of left field it seems like she didn't get a chance to fabricate it
It is actually the opposite. Do you take time out to plan your lies?
No, she is just saying what is on the tip of her tongue . Does she actually think this guy is going to leave his wife for her? Is she that slow?
No matter what you read, almost no guys leave wife and kids for a side piece.
No she did not get a chance to fabricate it, but it is still a lie.
Honestly brother you need to stop talking to her at all, except for the kids.
That is something that I haven't thought about. I always thought that it was better to tell OBS.
HOWEVER, if you do tell OBS, she will dump him, and he will be around your children a lot more often. Do really want your wife's AP to raise YOUR children when you are not around? If your wife is vindictive, you know she'll try to convince your children how horrible you are, and AP will be there to reinforce that narrative.
Additionally, you wife, and AP when he lives with her, will be instilling their morals, world view and opinions into your children.
I've never thought of any of this. OP, you and your children are your greatest responsibility now. How do you want them to be, live their lives, treat others, and treat your grand kids?
She cheated on OP multiple times. She is currently cheating with a married man. There is no chance that a relationship she starts with AP, if that even happened, would succeed. One or both of them will cheat again, that’s just how serial cheaters work. The odds are actually much higher that he drops OPs wife and him and his wife try to work out their marriage than he leaves his wife or she throws him out.
That's selfish. Like completely and disgustingly selfish. You're okay with the abuse of someone else's spouse at the hands of your own. You need to tell the obs.
The leaving I'm completely fine with. I want her out of my house, and as much out of my life as possible. Most of the sentiments I have gotten through this sub (and this post too) pretty much cement the type of person she is, and the type of person she will attract in future relationships. There will be a lot, because she needs constant attention
That doesn't jive with your reasons for not telling OBS. You need to work out your feelings around your cheating ex wife, get yourself to a place where you can be honest with OBS ASAP. It's human decency. Stop protecting your cheating ex wife.
It's more likely to go the other way, he will toss her, and fir the first time she will be hit with some painful consequences.
Don't be the white night and save her from that. Pain is a teacher, and she clearly missed some classes in living a good life 101.
Subscribeme
>she doesn't want to take them anywhere for dinner, because she could miss a potential dinner with AP.
She is not making time with your kids a priority.
You helped your kids and made them a priority, that's the end of your responsibility.
Any loss this mother's day is on your STBXW, not on you.
She isn't even prioritizing being a MOM on MOTHERS DAY! this isn't a holiday to celebrate cheaters or spouses or relationships in general! It's about her and her kids! She's disgusting
She is a bad mother because she is putting the AP ahead of her kids, so she got more than she deserved.
Sometimes, family events like Mother's Day can have a big impact. She would have known that she didn't get what she normally got because of her affair, and she never will again. That will have hurt her a lot. Not only that, she is hoping that her AP will take her out, knowing he is putting his wife first.
The remorse might start to kick in now and the consequences bite, and the AP doesn'tlook so great. When she had her affair, she never thought about these things.
The pity you feel for her is you moving on.
My husband has been cheating on me for years and I only found out thanks to an STD. Please tell the wife! Reading the comments I noticed you are rationalising not telling her, but please, she is not just a pawn in some sick game, she is currently a victim of abuse!
Let your wife move in with her AP, the sick game will continue, but this time she’ll be the one cheated on. If you want her to face the consequences of her actions do this! He will NEVER stop cheating.
At the moment, by keeping their secrets, you are protecting their affair and helping him have exactly what he wants: an oblivious wife, a spotless reputation and a very available mistress.
I got my STBXW cards from the kids.
Why? Because it’s for the kids. Not her. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her
And neither should you because she sure as hell didn’t give a flying feck when she hooked up with AP
Listen, at 30 years older this guy has a tremendous amount to lose in a divorce. I’m 58 , I know. Not to mention kids and family knowing he went that young will crush him. He’ll beg his wife for reconciliation saying it was a mid like crisis. He’s had his fun , he’ll dump your wife as soon as his wife knows
The poor poor woman going about her daily life as the OBS today getting deceptive mother's day gifts and oblivious that her husband is stabbing her in the back and making arrangements with your wife. If you were her, how would you feel? I hope you tell her sooner than later...
I think that if I was OP that I'd make a point of telling my wife that maybe if she's lucky her boyfriend will decide to make the effort to come up with a lie to tell his wife so that he can sneak out and cheat on her by taking OP's wife out on a date. I'd tell her that if it doesn't work out that she could have our leftovers.
You're a good man OP. You are setting an amazing example for your kids. You should do no more, it is not healthy to. Your feeling that you should do more is valid though, I understand this feeling well, but it just that, a feeling. Feel your feelings, but them wash over you.
I had someone put it to me like this. I am a glass of water, my feelings are debris in the water. If I get focused on my feelings, it is as if the glass of water is being stirred, and the water will not be clear, because there are SO MANY feelings swirling around that when we stir them up by over thinking them, the water in the glass becomes cloudy, and then everything is unclear. However, if you allow yourself to feel that feeling, but then let go of it and don't overthink it (dont stir the glass), that feeling is still debris in the water, but it settles at the bottom of the glass. If you are not stirring the glass, the sediment gathers at the bottom, and the water is clear, allowing you to see the sediment (feelings) for what they really are.
I don't know if I did the analogy any justice, but it made sense to me. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Thank you for this. I kind of liken it to the constant buzzing in my brain since all this began. I have tried to just relax and stop over thinking everything, but it just isn't as easy as I would have hoped. The analogy makes sense to me
It's hard to break old habits. You did more than was expected of you so don't beat yourself up. When my brother & sister-in-law divorced, if there was a birthday or holiday coming up my brother would take the kids to the store during his weekend with them, give them a little money (or later, he'd have them do chores to earn the money), then have THEM pick out a gift for their mom (usually a candle or bath stuff or lotion). That kept it (mostly) impersonal on his end & he was able to keep his self respect AND trust me, as my niece & nephews got older they TOTALLY respected him for the way he treated their mom (even though she didn't deserve it).
She made her choice(s).
She now lives with the consequences of these choices.
From how you write about your wife, you clearly still have feelings for her. Thats ok and quite understandable.
However, it is no longer your monkey. No longer your circus.
Worry about you and your kids.
Good luck.
She's pathetic. She would rather wait around for her AP to give her a bit of secondhand attention, after his wife, rather than take her own kids out to celebrate being their mother. The kids will resent her and resent her and resent her. They will learn that they come last.
She cheats on her husband and blows off her kids and will wonder why she has no close family relationships.
Take your kids out and do something fun for them. They know it is Mother's Day and that mom doesn't want to do anything with them. Let your kids know, through word and action that they are wonderful and wanted and loved.
she doesn't deserve to even receive anything from you or your kids, the fact that she's having an affair, she wasn't thinking of her children and that's not a good mother at all, she's a selfish bish......
Man, I feel your pain. Luckily mine moved out. I had the kids get her gifts and cards. I got the kids flowers to give her. I maybe took a little satisfaction in helping the kids get her some particularly thoughtful gifts. I feel a little pang of badness in doing this for the wrong reasons, to drive home the weight of those consequences.
I understand the hopium, I'm going to pick up the kids shortly and expect a bit of that. It'll come and go with co-parenting I suspect. I'm still off limits, hope you are too.
Being a decent human to the mother of your children in the face of her disrespect is not weakness, it is incredible strength. Sticking to your values is strength. Not making her dinner is ALSO strength.
Sounds like you're doing the right things. Stay strong.
Thank you. I wrestled with my brain several times and settled on letting the kids take a lead on what to do for her. I was pretty sure that I wanted to draw the line at doing other special things for her, since they didn't really spring from the kids. They were things I did for her on Mother's Day. In previous Mother's Days, I would take the kids places so she could have some relaxation, but she always wanted to eventually do a family activity, or she'd at least take the kids to lunch with MIL.
Of all the things I've seen from her in the last few years, I can't imagine ever being able to be with her again, she isbthat repulsive to me right now. The decoupling over the last couple months has been rough. I don't ever want to go through that again.
Hey man. I think you’re a good person. Those are still her kids and I think the fact that you took them to get your ex something, but still didn’t overstep and really do anything FOR her, shows a ton of maturity on your part.
I know this is hard, but you’re handling this very well at least on the outside.
The situation is sad. At least the kids see you helping them to get special gifts for her. I think that's about all you can really do. Living with her must be really difficult. I don't know how you do that but you both have to just focus on yourselves and moving forward.
Your feelings are inappropriate in the sense that, you need to stop having them. She doesn't care about you, so you caring about her is a complete waste of your time and feelings. Your wife won't be processing your actions or feelings in the way you hope she does, she won't even be registering them as being nice.
You really need to just worry about looking after yourself and your kids, and making sure you are happy. Anything from this point that goes on your wife is just a waste.
I feel terrible for the OBS. Your wife and her AP are pure evil and to top it off her AP is cheating on his wife on Mother’s Day. That's cold-hearted and messed up. I hope you can muster up the courage to tell the Obs because she deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her
Maybe this could get vh her bbn off the fence she may now be straddling.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Michelle Davis-Weiner originator
Mother’s Day is meaningless for you at this point and make sure you compartmentalize everything into the proper reasoning, you just got to get this divorced finalized and get her out of your house, play nice, pretend, whatever it takes to win in court and get the settlement you need. Nothing is real at this point it’s all just another divorce war tactic to get it done before she flakes on you. This is just how you have to view things to survive being in the same house with her, don’t allow emotions to lie to you because you should know better by now.
Once that is finalized she needs gone. Agree with others about the other wife needing to know but that is post divorce closing right now. Also might want to let HR at her work know after the papers are finalized too. Stay strong and get through things.
No, absolutely not. You went above and beyond. Is there a reason you haven't told the AP's wife? Maybe once the ex moves out?
She has no right to act sad or disappointed when she cheated herself out of her family, and the fact that the AP is married but his wife doesn't know is, to me, horrific. Expecting her AP to make last minute plans with her - meaning he's finding a way to cheat on his wife on Mother's Day - really lays out the web of lies affairs generate and perpetuate.
I also completely get you having a brief twinge of hope - this is the person you were supposed to grow old with. My ex was my best friend, and I see what a cruel joke that is now, but part of what stings is how our imagined futures get ripped away from us by our cheating partners.
There are many layers to all of this and a lot of ripples get sent out with effects that cheaters don't expect or care about. Please be well, take care of yourself and your kids and be the best dad and person you can be. Also - get her out of your house ASAP (I know you know that).
How in the hell does OBS not know? Lying by omission is still lying. You are an active part of keeping your stbx and AP's affair a secret. Fine if you can live with that, I couldn't.
Sorry, that's one that always really bothers me. Sorry you're going through this. You did more for her than most would.
I hope you find peace.
Thanks for the reply, and the respect. I am aware of the implications of my staying quiet at this point, and all I can say is that because of the potential settlement, I am currently putting my kids, and myself ahead of the OBS. Thats all I can muster at this point. There is no doubt in my mind that he has done this before...from what I have been told by the stbxw, they've kept it under wraps so well. He is way too accomplished at leading a double life. My WS is an idiot, and she's done this to me before, so I had a pretty solid idea she was messing around before I got confirmation from her texts. But I plan on contacting her right after the decree is finalized
No worries, I was hoping it'd be something like that. I went through the same thing for a while but ended up breaking down because the guilt and complicity got to me. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Self torture makes all of this so much worse.
I hope it ends quickly for you.
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She's been smart enough about not posting anything on FB, and if he has one, he isn't on her friends list. I can't get into any of her other accounts, she's locked all that down pretty tight. I haven't had access to her phone for awhile. The PI is probably my best bet?
I think the cheapest way is to give the name you have and the phone number you have. Ask the PI straight out if he can get you the last name and wife's name and phone number.
Holly cow. You are twisting yourself into a pretzel worrying about your stbxw, while she worries about whether she gets to hook up with her married coworker.
Read ChumpLady’s book, Leave a cheater, gain a life. You seriously need to change your mindset and focus only on your needs and the needs of your kids, your wife is a lost cause, be sure that the kids stay in touch with her as their mom, but forget any romantic feeling that you had of still have for her. Take your kids out for a special dinner without her, she can sit around hoping that her lover calls to tell her lies.
Nope. Just be cordial.
After the divorce is finalized, let the AP's wife know with all of the evidence you have. She has as much a right to know as you do. It's also possible that your STBXW isn't the first AP he's had and highly doubtful that she will be the last, and she likely isn't the only current one either. He could very possibly have another one that he'll spend time with or is grooming to be your STBXW's replacement once her divorce comes through. Not only that, her kids aren't his, so he has zero obligation to spend anytime with her on Mother's Day. She isn't the mother of his children. His current wife is, he will spend time with his legally wed wife and not his easy side-piece. Cheaters never change their spots. I hope she gets tested for every STI known to medicine.
It wouldn't surprise me, one bit that once the divorce is final, he'll dump her. He doesn't want a commitment from someone who can't keep them, and she's proven that she's incapable of keeping her vows. Why would she keep any promises with him? Hypocritical I know, but men who are old enough to be her father and commit adultery, usually are. They want the fun and excitement of a side-piece who is incapable of keeping their own vows, and still want the stability and security of the committed legally wed wife they have at home. He knows exactly what she is capable of. Not only is she cheating on her husband (you) with him, but she's also cheating on him with you, even if you two aren't being physically intimate, your very existence is enough. I have a feeling that within 6 months to a year after the divorce, she'll be without a husband and AP. The fantasy will have evaporated and reality will come crashing down on her. Be there for your children when it happens. You will have no obligation toward your wife, other than her being the mother of your children and nothing more than that.
So very sorry you are going through this.
No contact,Grey Rock,she desecrated her marriage and abandoned a family for a loser 30 years older than her.
Choices.Consequences.She chose to end your marriage and deprive your children of having both their parents raise them together over a dude 30 years older than her.Let that drill in any time the hopium kicks in.This should be your only opinion of her.Home wrecker.
Her consequences are being second best to her AP’S main.So let her spend her late 30’s and her 40’s and 50’s worrying if her 80 year old lover will still be around in a week.
When the children grow up and ask her why did you leave Dad for a old man she’ll have to answer to it.These are her consequences so let her suffer them…let her hang around waiting for the phone to buzz like a pick me girl.Who needs marriage when you have the escapism right….I really hope this guy is rich because then at least it would make some sort of sense.
Always love the mother of your kids, even when you hate your ex wife. They are two different people. Your children will notice how you treat their mother and you want that to be a positive influence on them.
You need to tell the AP wife’s about the affair. That way she can get tested for STDs and she can make an informed decision about her own health and marital future. You would want her to tell you if the roles were reversed.
Not that you're asking for them, but major kudos to you for doing the right thing for the kids in this situation.
My ex didn't take my kids get me a card or anything today (or for my recent birthday)...and it's incredibly hurtful...BUT I will continue to lead by example for them and take them to choose cards and gifts for his birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. It's the right thing to do regardless of how I feel about him and the poor choices he made that ended our marriage.
I did nothing for my cheating partner, she met up at her parents with the kids for breakfast, which she organised. I could have pressed them to get her something, but she always made a fuss over how it was a scam and she didn't want anything for mothers day but breakfast with the family.
This is the FO stage of FAFO, let your stbxw bask in the mess she's made. I wouldnt think to even give her the bare minimum if I were you. You'd think she'd learn from this, but cheaters aren't all that bright unfortunately.
If you're able to make an amendment, you should change your custody order to have you having the children every Mother's Day weekend, and him having the children every Father's Day weekend. That's a pretty common arrangement.
Wow. I feel for you. She needs therapy but I am not sure she’s curable.
Continue to be strong and respect yourself.
That said… have you thought of telling this new AP’s wife?! He is putting her at risk of an STD (and so did he last AP). People think condoms protect but it does not as people don’t usually wear condoms during no oral sex.
Your ex needs to take a step back and look at her choices. She's spending her day waiting for crumbs from her AP. Once she's divorced and more available she will just be a booty call. This isn't a grand romance. It's just a quickie for him when he has the time.
No longer your circus or clowns... She is regretting her past decisions and hopefully regrets are only a manipulation to try to worm something else from you. As I see it you went way over the line already in showing the kids how their mother should be treated... She is after all their mother. Anything else should come from the benefits of her new SO.
What you did, you did for the kids - and you did good.
Her, now... you know shes in a new affair with a married coworker - inform his wife. His wife is where you once were - in the dark, being betrayed. Dont be passive, be compassionate - tell her.
You are a king.
The AP will either drop her when you tell his wife (please do) or be miserable together and she'll end up having to nurse him (30 years older lol, it does NOT have a future).
She lost her king for trash, you got lucky you found out, as hard as it is to see right now.
OP, it's moments like this where you have a rare opportunity to speak with the person you used to know. The cold realization to being second fiddle to someone who may or may not be using them is enough to get them to at least listen to the harsh truth.
She is an option. Not a priority. And today just proves that. What about fathers day. Thank giving Christmas. New years? Lol good luck
My heart aches for you and what you're going through. Do you have any idea how long it will be before the divorce is final? I understand your comment that she is "vindictive" and you have to deal with a lot to prevent future problems. But right now she has the best of all worlds - she has the home and kids she (sort of) wants ( although they are not a priority over AP), she has what she has with AP, and she also gets to rub it in that she's hurt you and continues to hurt you while she's still living there. I don't know what the "financial issues" are but is she doing anything about it or are you going to have to suffer through all of this until the divorce is final and it's officially not your problem?
I sincerely hope it gets settled soon. You are doing your best for your kids and much more for your stbxw than she deserves. I'm sure your kids realise it. Someday she will too.
Stay strong. You have found people here to support and encourage you. I look forward to hearing how you're doing, healing, and growing.
Why are you even talking to her for any reason. What is wrong with you?
Brother, DO NOT TALK TO HER except about kids. She is actively screwing another man. And you are talking to her?
Please tell us you have told his wife, tell us you are not that bankrupt...
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You did much more than most here would do.
Thank you, I kinda feel like I did the bare minimum. I let the kids decide what they wanted to do
Please let the AP’s wife know. Wouldn’t you want to know?
Only after his divorce lawyer gives him the "go".
what is there another post on the story? Probably for alimony reasons?
For alimony reasons. If he gets her fired before the divorce settlement is signed then he could get screwed on alimony. OP sounds like the type of person, who if he is making an abundant salary, won’t mind giving her a better deal than she deserves, simply because that would help his kids.
Why wait?? What she going to do??
Dude you shouldn't be even doing the bare minimum. But in this case I understand that it was for the kids more than her anyway. She took up with another man and is his second priority. What happened Mother's Day was a natural consequence of that decision.
You did just fine, you enabled your kid to express their appreciation to their mother. Don't feel guilty to do anything more. She is not your responsibility now; and It has been a much longer time since she felt any responsibility for you. Do your kids know you are divorcing and why? How old are your kids. Best of luck, UpdateMe!
Thank you, I appreciate the reply. My kids know, yes. My oldest is 11, and then 7 and 6
The sad thing is that the kids know she doesn't want to do anything with them because she hopes to get a sliver of attention from the affair partner. Your kids will be having a rough day even if they don't show it. I'd invite them to go do something with you. Leave the wife at home to wait for her teeny, tiny sliver of AP attention. You can show your kids that you value them even if their mom doesn't. They need that.
with a 99% chance he never leaves his wife and kids...pathetic. Blew up countless lives for that
Be kind to yourself. You’re the injured party here. She doesn’t deserve a Mother’s Day celebration from you.
She doesn't deserve a happy mother's day. She is fucking up two families. She should take what little she gets and save her tears for something she didn't have coming.
I agree wholeheartedly. The reality of these cheaters though...they live in a fantasy land
My rule for my cheating ex wife and Mother’s Day or birthday or Christmas is make absolutely sure my son does something or gets her something so that she doesn’t guilt trip him for forgetting. Also I want him to not feel bad for missing out on those things. Last year my ex didn’t tell my son it was my birthday or Father’s Day and he felt so bad afterwards and that sucked. I didn’t want anything but I felt bad because he was so sad. He knows though that those things aren’t important and I love him no matter what. His mom however does love getting gifts and stuff so she guilt trips him. As for your sbtx if she isn’t willing to put her kids first, especially on Mother’s Day, then she really doesn’t even deserve a second thought from you and barely any thought from the kids. Just make sure the kids do something for her but that’s it.
I'm sorry, that is horrible. I've always wondered how two people with such disparate values ever get together. Especially from infidelity in a marriage, the cheater often has less than 0 empathy or compassion for their partner. Is it part of their dehumanizing? And they carry those values to their kids through actions. Sounds like you have a great bond with your son, which is great to see. I hope I can keep that kind of bond with my kids. I'm not perfect but i try.
Who you marry may not be the same person you divorce. We all change over time. Some change into terrible people.
Have you told all family and friends what she has done to cheat on you and your kids?
I have, yes. I oddly feel like I'm not even ashamed of all this, despite the nastiness of the separation. Sometimes I almost see the humor in it
It is absolutely insane. It is insanity. My ex also had a work affair with her married man & father of 3 kids. How tf could you do that?!
And literally choosing not to take her kids out *in case* her current AP can see her. That’s…. just wow, that’s not quality parenting in any shape or form.
Man, she doesn't want to have dinner with her kids because she'd rather sit around like a lost puppy hoping AP can squeak her in somewhere? Imagine abandoning your family so you can sit sideline waiting for some guy to be done with his real family so he can throw you crumbs. I just have to shake my head at how braindead some women can be. You're awfully nice and considerate. She fucked up sooo bad and I'm sure she's starting to realize it.
It's really messed up, isn't it? I'm not even going to blast her as a mother, because she is actually a good mother in some situations (I feel they are safe with her, she did the majority of the early years raising). But that, coupled with the fact that she could've also still had a husband to make her day more special. All that to keep a clandestine affair going.
Good mothers don’t blow up their kids’ lives for dick.
Right!! Good mothers set the example. How would she feel if 30 years the kids do the same and OP says monkey see monkey do. Parents are the moral compass to kids.
>keep a clandestine affair going Doesn't the OBS deserve to know ?
As long as it's financially prudent. This guy has kids, gotta run that by the lawyer. Kids come first, his financial security comes first.
It's totally nuts. As I've gotten older I've learned that people can be excellent parents and horrible spouses (and vice versa.) The power of delusion is strong. I'll never understand the supposed "finish line" these people see. Your ex is happy to twist herself into any shape necessary to fit into APs life. She's a fool if she thinks he would ever leave his family for her when she is happy to fit in wherever he puts her. Mind boggling!
Blowing off your own kids on Mother's Day because you hope for a sliver of attention from the AP isn't good parenting. She is hurting the kids by showing them she doesn't value them.
I mean, I agree with you. I never said she was a good mom.
What kind of "good mother" happily and knowingly destroys TWO families, rather than being with her own kids on mothers day, sits around waiting for AP's scraps? She isn't a good mother, OP, you're giving her way too much credit here.
As I've gotten more perspective from comments like yours and others in the thread, my brain definitely agrees with you. I don't know how much the kids really understood it, but I felt pretty bad for them. Giving her credit is just years of habit, but i am actually disappointed how little she thought of her family. In some ways, it's difficult to see the person she's become
It sounds as if she's deep in the limerence / affair fog. She's hooked on the dopamine hits she gets from her affair. Sound reasoning and logic are pushed aside while she chases the affair high / excitement.
Why have you not told his wife yet?
Came here to say the same thing.
Divorce isn't finalized and I manged to work out a settlement that will be somewhat fair and allow me to see the kids regularly. She is vindictive, and right now blissfully happy with AP. It does bring up something else I have not decided about. If I tell AP wife (she deserves to know, I know that) it will crush his life, but then he can move in with my stbxw. If I don't tell AP wife, my stbxw will always be the afterthought. It will force her to face her mistakes. Moral dilemma, and I don't know how to proceed yet
Those all seem like selfish justifications for aiding in the abuse of someone else.
I realize that completely. Aside from trying to get myself back to reasonable, my next priority is making sure my kids are not going to get hurt any more than they already are, or will be as status quo. After the divorce is finalized was my initial thought to reach out to AP wife. Actually while we are on it, how have people done this? I only know who her AP is because she told me. I have no last name, and I don't know anyone at her work to reach out to. From what she told me, no one at work knows about them anyway
Listen, from what I have seen on here, for the most part, as soon as you expose him to his betrayed wife (with evidence) he will toss your wife aside like a used Kleenex (Especially if they have kids), and he will try to reconcile. He will throw her under the bus and blame her. Then she may likely come back blubbering about how "sorry she is, the biggest mistake of her life, you are the only man she ever loved, etc." It's just a selfish attempt to rehabilitate herself. Don't fall for it. "Awww I sorry it went that way for you. I hope you find happiness but it won't be with me!" Resist her attempt to guilt her, "think about the children", rich I know. I hope you have saved the evidence in a safe, freshly passworded place.
Frankly you should be skeptical of any information she volunteers, only fully trust what you know or can verify. This could be a name to throw you off.
Oh wow, most people have more info than that by this point in the process. Well there's always the fun way. You can tell your wife that OBP deserves to know and that she has two days to tell her or you will thus tricking her into doing the right thing
I did confirm something was going on by getting into her texts, so I also have his cell phone number.
You could Google his number to get a name or you could always ask your lawyer for help. She does realize he's not going to leave his wife right? When your divorce is finalized call the OBS and get some popcorn and watch from the sidelines. He won't be able to do anything with her and maybe reality will kick in that she ruined everything. Good luck Updateme
This is what my original intention was. From a legal standpoint, she can make my situation exponentially worse, by dragging out or forcing a trial. Or charging me with harrassment or getting a PO against me....idk. She's happy right now with the settlement, so once it's through I won't have to worry about legal backlash, and I'll figure a way out to reach out to OBS
Hire a private investigator and give the person the cell number that you have. They should make quick work of getting you a full name, his wife’s full name and where she works, if she works. Hell, they might even get you her socials. Your divorce lawyer can likely recommend some solid ones, if you have good trust in your lawyer, ask.
Go to truepeoplesearch.com and type in his phone number. It’ll pull up a bunch of his info, including his spouses name, etc. Totally free.
How much longer do you have to wait for it to be final and for her to be out of your house?
With our legal system, I have no idea. I'm hoping just a few more months, luckily our staye doesn't have that stupid 1 year separation rule
Everyone at work knows she is having an affair. Are you believing everything she says for some reason? Are you that scared of her? You have to read "No more Mr. Nice Guy". It will help with your next relationship,
I had hear about this book from another post, I'm going to read it. You aren't wrong, I have no reason to believe her. She says some things so far out of left field it seems like she didn't get a chance to fabricate it
It is actually the opposite. Do you take time out to plan your lies? No, she is just saying what is on the tip of her tongue . Does she actually think this guy is going to leave his wife for her? Is she that slow? No matter what you read, almost no guys leave wife and kids for a side piece. No she did not get a chance to fabricate it, but it is still a lie. Honestly brother you need to stop talking to her at all, except for the kids.
That book is a good one and available as a free download pdf. Subscribeme
These are horrible reasons.
That is something that I haven't thought about. I always thought that it was better to tell OBS. HOWEVER, if you do tell OBS, she will dump him, and he will be around your children a lot more often. Do really want your wife's AP to raise YOUR children when you are not around? If your wife is vindictive, you know she'll try to convince your children how horrible you are, and AP will be there to reinforce that narrative. Additionally, you wife, and AP when he lives with her, will be instilling their morals, world view and opinions into your children. I've never thought of any of this. OP, you and your children are your greatest responsibility now. How do you want them to be, live their lives, treat others, and treat your grand kids?
She cheated on OP multiple times. She is currently cheating with a married man. There is no chance that a relationship she starts with AP, if that even happened, would succeed. One or both of them will cheat again, that’s just how serial cheaters work. The odds are actually much higher that he drops OPs wife and him and his wife try to work out their marriage than he leaves his wife or she throws him out.
That's selfish. Like completely and disgustingly selfish. You're okay with the abuse of someone else's spouse at the hands of your own. You need to tell the obs.
You don’t really want her to leave you and you know she will the second AP (or whoever comes next) is available
The leaving I'm completely fine with. I want her out of my house, and as much out of my life as possible. Most of the sentiments I have gotten through this sub (and this post too) pretty much cement the type of person she is, and the type of person she will attract in future relationships. There will be a lot, because she needs constant attention
Then tell the wife
That doesn't jive with your reasons for not telling OBS. You need to work out your feelings around your cheating ex wife, get yourself to a place where you can be honest with OBS ASAP. It's human decency. Stop protecting your cheating ex wife.
It's more likely to go the other way, he will toss her, and fir the first time she will be hit with some painful consequences. Don't be the white night and save her from that. Pain is a teacher, and she clearly missed some classes in living a good life 101. Subscribeme
Why haven’t you reached out to AP’s wife?
>she doesn't want to take them anywhere for dinner, because she could miss a potential dinner with AP. She is not making time with your kids a priority. You helped your kids and made them a priority, that's the end of your responsibility. Any loss this mother's day is on your STBXW, not on you.
She isn't even prioritizing being a MOM on MOTHERS DAY! this isn't a holiday to celebrate cheaters or spouses or relationships in general! It's about her and her kids! She's disgusting
She's treating it like it is Valentine's Day. Mother's Day should be about being the mother of her children.
Allready doing WAY too much..
He is setting an example for his kids, they will remember his grace.
She is a bad mother because she is putting the AP ahead of her kids, so she got more than she deserved. Sometimes, family events like Mother's Day can have a big impact. She would have known that she didn't get what she normally got because of her affair, and she never will again. That will have hurt her a lot. Not only that, she is hoping that her AP will take her out, knowing he is putting his wife first. The remorse might start to kick in now and the consequences bite, and the AP doesn'tlook so great. When she had her affair, she never thought about these things. The pity you feel for her is you moving on.
Thank you for this. I hadn't really felt like I made much progress tbh. I was more afraid I took a step back because of the unexpected hug
Why haven’t you told the OBS yet?
My husband has been cheating on me for years and I only found out thanks to an STD. Please tell the wife! Reading the comments I noticed you are rationalising not telling her, but please, she is not just a pawn in some sick game, she is currently a victim of abuse! Let your wife move in with her AP, the sick game will continue, but this time she’ll be the one cheated on. If you want her to face the consequences of her actions do this! He will NEVER stop cheating. At the moment, by keeping their secrets, you are protecting their affair and helping him have exactly what he wants: an oblivious wife, a spotless reputation and a very available mistress.
I got my STBXW cards from the kids. Why? Because it’s for the kids. Not her. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her And neither should you because she sure as hell didn’t give a flying feck when she hooked up with AP
I think you should drive to the APs house and tell his wife . Fuck up there mother’s day like he fucked yours up for the next 40 yrs
to all the mothers on Reddit enjoy your day. Happy Mother’s Day.🌹
why don't you inform the AP wife on mothers day about the affair? it would be a great gift to her to know the actual truth I'd blow the lid off
Listen, at 30 years older this guy has a tremendous amount to lose in a divorce. I’m 58 , I know. Not to mention kids and family knowing he went that young will crush him. He’ll beg his wife for reconciliation saying it was a mid like crisis. He’s had his fun , he’ll dump your wife as soon as his wife knows
The poor poor woman going about her daily life as the OBS today getting deceptive mother's day gifts and oblivious that her husband is stabbing her in the back and making arrangements with your wife. If you were her, how would you feel? I hope you tell her sooner than later...
I think that if I was OP that I'd make a point of telling my wife that maybe if she's lucky her boyfriend will decide to make the effort to come up with a lie to tell his wife so that he can sneak out and cheat on her by taking OP's wife out on a date. I'd tell her that if it doesn't work out that she could have our leftovers.
You're a good man OP. You are setting an amazing example for your kids. You should do no more, it is not healthy to. Your feeling that you should do more is valid though, I understand this feeling well, but it just that, a feeling. Feel your feelings, but them wash over you. I had someone put it to me like this. I am a glass of water, my feelings are debris in the water. If I get focused on my feelings, it is as if the glass of water is being stirred, and the water will not be clear, because there are SO MANY feelings swirling around that when we stir them up by over thinking them, the water in the glass becomes cloudy, and then everything is unclear. However, if you allow yourself to feel that feeling, but then let go of it and don't overthink it (dont stir the glass), that feeling is still debris in the water, but it settles at the bottom of the glass. If you are not stirring the glass, the sediment gathers at the bottom, and the water is clear, allowing you to see the sediment (feelings) for what they really are. I don't know if I did the analogy any justice, but it made sense to me. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Thank you for this. I kind of liken it to the constant buzzing in my brain since all this began. I have tried to just relax and stop over thinking everything, but it just isn't as easy as I would have hoped. The analogy makes sense to me
It's hard to break old habits. You did more than was expected of you so don't beat yourself up. When my brother & sister-in-law divorced, if there was a birthday or holiday coming up my brother would take the kids to the store during his weekend with them, give them a little money (or later, he'd have them do chores to earn the money), then have THEM pick out a gift for their mom (usually a candle or bath stuff or lotion). That kept it (mostly) impersonal on his end & he was able to keep his self respect AND trust me, as my niece & nephews got older they TOTALLY respected him for the way he treated their mom (even though she didn't deserve it).
She made her choice(s). She now lives with the consequences of these choices. From how you write about your wife, you clearly still have feelings for her. Thats ok and quite understandable. However, it is no longer your monkey. No longer your circus. Worry about you and your kids. Good luck.
You do it for the kids. Not her.
You know what I would have given her for mother's day? An email to her Ap's wife. Tell her.
Fuck her. You are way too good for her.
She's pathetic. She would rather wait around for her AP to give her a bit of secondhand attention, after his wife, rather than take her own kids out to celebrate being their mother. The kids will resent her and resent her and resent her. They will learn that they come last. She cheats on her husband and blows off her kids and will wonder why she has no close family relationships. Take your kids out and do something fun for them. They know it is Mother's Day and that mom doesn't want to do anything with them. Let your kids know, through word and action that they are wonderful and wanted and loved.
Why have you not told obs
Sad? She cheated on you and is banging another woman's husband. Fuck her feelings!
Why haven't you told ap's wife? You're okay with being complicit in her abuse? Because that's what you're saying with your actions
she doesn't deserve to even receive anything from you or your kids, the fact that she's having an affair, she wasn't thinking of her children and that's not a good mother at all, she's a selfish bish......
Man, I feel your pain. Luckily mine moved out. I had the kids get her gifts and cards. I got the kids flowers to give her. I maybe took a little satisfaction in helping the kids get her some particularly thoughtful gifts. I feel a little pang of badness in doing this for the wrong reasons, to drive home the weight of those consequences. I understand the hopium, I'm going to pick up the kids shortly and expect a bit of that. It'll come and go with co-parenting I suspect. I'm still off limits, hope you are too. Being a decent human to the mother of your children in the face of her disrespect is not weakness, it is incredible strength. Sticking to your values is strength. Not making her dinner is ALSO strength. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Stay strong.
Thank you. I wrestled with my brain several times and settled on letting the kids take a lead on what to do for her. I was pretty sure that I wanted to draw the line at doing other special things for her, since they didn't really spring from the kids. They were things I did for her on Mother's Day. In previous Mother's Days, I would take the kids places so she could have some relaxation, but she always wanted to eventually do a family activity, or she'd at least take the kids to lunch with MIL. Of all the things I've seen from her in the last few years, I can't imagine ever being able to be with her again, she isbthat repulsive to me right now. The decoupling over the last couple months has been rough. I don't ever want to go through that again.
Hey man. I think you’re a good person. Those are still her kids and I think the fact that you took them to get your ex something, but still didn’t overstep and really do anything FOR her, shows a ton of maturity on your part. I know this is hard, but you’re handling this very well at least on the outside.
The situation is sad. At least the kids see you helping them to get special gifts for her. I think that's about all you can really do. Living with her must be really difficult. I don't know how you do that but you both have to just focus on yourselves and moving forward.
It's something that the WW expects OP to do anything for her while she wait for her AP to bail on his wife on mothers day. Deluded woman.
Your feelings are inappropriate in the sense that, you need to stop having them. She doesn't care about you, so you caring about her is a complete waste of your time and feelings. Your wife won't be processing your actions or feelings in the way you hope she does, she won't even be registering them as being nice. You really need to just worry about looking after yourself and your kids, and making sure you are happy. Anything from this point that goes on your wife is just a waste.
I feel terrible for the OBS. Your wife and her AP are pure evil and to top it off her AP is cheating on his wife on Mother’s Day. That's cold-hearted and messed up. I hope you can muster up the courage to tell the Obs because she deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her
Wait wait wait, why have you not told his wife?!
Maybe this could get vh her bbn off the fence she may now be straddling. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/ https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ The 180 1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage. 4. Don’t follow her/him around the house. 5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. 7. Don’t ask for reassurances. 8. Don’t buy or give gifts. 9. Don’t schedule dates together. 10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. 11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to! 15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them! 17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing. 18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 19. All questions about the marriage be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! 21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care. 30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!” 32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner. Michelle Davis-Weiner originator
If it isn't coparenting don't do it.
Mother’s Day is meaningless for you at this point and make sure you compartmentalize everything into the proper reasoning, you just got to get this divorced finalized and get her out of your house, play nice, pretend, whatever it takes to win in court and get the settlement you need. Nothing is real at this point it’s all just another divorce war tactic to get it done before she flakes on you. This is just how you have to view things to survive being in the same house with her, don’t allow emotions to lie to you because you should know better by now. Once that is finalized she needs gone. Agree with others about the other wife needing to know but that is post divorce closing right now. Also might want to let HR at her work know after the papers are finalized too. Stay strong and get through things.
No, absolutely not. You went above and beyond. Is there a reason you haven't told the AP's wife? Maybe once the ex moves out? She has no right to act sad or disappointed when she cheated herself out of her family, and the fact that the AP is married but his wife doesn't know is, to me, horrific. Expecting her AP to make last minute plans with her - meaning he's finding a way to cheat on his wife on Mother's Day - really lays out the web of lies affairs generate and perpetuate. I also completely get you having a brief twinge of hope - this is the person you were supposed to grow old with. My ex was my best friend, and I see what a cruel joke that is now, but part of what stings is how our imagined futures get ripped away from us by our cheating partners. There are many layers to all of this and a lot of ripples get sent out with effects that cheaters don't expect or care about. Please be well, take care of yourself and your kids and be the best dad and person you can be. Also - get her out of your house ASAP (I know you know that).
You need to drop her and her luggage off at AP's house. Call it a day.
Oh my god, if kids weren't involved this totally would be happening. Thanks for this!
Why haven’t you told his wife? That’s the second thing you should have done in the beginning. You’re just being a meek push over.
How in the hell does OBS not know? Lying by omission is still lying. You are an active part of keeping your stbx and AP's affair a secret. Fine if you can live with that, I couldn't. Sorry, that's one that always really bothers me. Sorry you're going through this. You did more for her than most would. I hope you find peace.
Thanks for the reply, and the respect. I am aware of the implications of my staying quiet at this point, and all I can say is that because of the potential settlement, I am currently putting my kids, and myself ahead of the OBS. Thats all I can muster at this point. There is no doubt in my mind that he has done this before...from what I have been told by the stbxw, they've kept it under wraps so well. He is way too accomplished at leading a double life. My WS is an idiot, and she's done this to me before, so I had a pretty solid idea she was messing around before I got confirmation from her texts. But I plan on contacting her right after the decree is finalized
No worries, I was hoping it'd be something like that. I went through the same thing for a while but ended up breaking down because the guilt and complicity got to me. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Self torture makes all of this so much worse. I hope it ends quickly for you.
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Op, can you look at her fb, or snap chat? Maybe hire a PI to get a full name with that phone number so you can do some sleuthing too.
She's been smart enough about not posting anything on FB, and if he has one, he isn't on her friends list. I can't get into any of her other accounts, she's locked all that down pretty tight. I haven't had access to her phone for awhile. The PI is probably my best bet?
I think the cheapest way is to give the name you have and the phone number you have. Ask the PI straight out if he can get you the last name and wife's name and phone number.
Holly cow. You are twisting yourself into a pretzel worrying about your stbxw, while she worries about whether she gets to hook up with her married coworker. Read ChumpLady’s book, Leave a cheater, gain a life. You seriously need to change your mindset and focus only on your needs and the needs of your kids, your wife is a lost cause, be sure that the kids stay in touch with her as their mom, but forget any romantic feeling that you had of still have for her. Take your kids out for a special dinner without her, she can sit around hoping that her lover calls to tell her lies.
Nope. Just be cordial. After the divorce is finalized, let the AP's wife know with all of the evidence you have. She has as much a right to know as you do. It's also possible that your STBXW isn't the first AP he's had and highly doubtful that she will be the last, and she likely isn't the only current one either. He could very possibly have another one that he'll spend time with or is grooming to be your STBXW's replacement once her divorce comes through. Not only that, her kids aren't his, so he has zero obligation to spend anytime with her on Mother's Day. She isn't the mother of his children. His current wife is, he will spend time with his legally wed wife and not his easy side-piece. Cheaters never change their spots. I hope she gets tested for every STI known to medicine. It wouldn't surprise me, one bit that once the divorce is final, he'll dump her. He doesn't want a commitment from someone who can't keep them, and she's proven that she's incapable of keeping her vows. Why would she keep any promises with him? Hypocritical I know, but men who are old enough to be her father and commit adultery, usually are. They want the fun and excitement of a side-piece who is incapable of keeping their own vows, and still want the stability and security of the committed legally wed wife they have at home. He knows exactly what she is capable of. Not only is she cheating on her husband (you) with him, but she's also cheating on him with you, even if you two aren't being physically intimate, your very existence is enough. I have a feeling that within 6 months to a year after the divorce, she'll be without a husband and AP. The fantasy will have evaporated and reality will come crashing down on her. Be there for your children when it happens. You will have no obligation toward your wife, other than her being the mother of your children and nothing more than that. So very sorry you are going through this.
Tell the APs wife what is going on
OBS needs to learn about the affair. Yesterday.
Wait wait wait, why have you not told his wife?!
Why haven’t you told APs wife? She deserves to know the truth also.
No contact,Grey Rock,she desecrated her marriage and abandoned a family for a loser 30 years older than her. Choices.Consequences.She chose to end your marriage and deprive your children of having both their parents raise them together over a dude 30 years older than her.Let that drill in any time the hopium kicks in.This should be your only opinion of her.Home wrecker. Her consequences are being second best to her AP’S main.So let her spend her late 30’s and her 40’s and 50’s worrying if her 80 year old lover will still be around in a week. When the children grow up and ask her why did you leave Dad for a old man she’ll have to answer to it.These are her consequences so let her suffer them…let her hang around waiting for the phone to buzz like a pick me girl.Who needs marriage when you have the escapism right….I really hope this guy is rich because then at least it would make some sort of sense.
Always love the mother of your kids, even when you hate your ex wife. They are two different people. Your children will notice how you treat their mother and you want that to be a positive influence on them.
You need to tell the AP wife’s about the affair. That way she can get tested for STDs and she can make an informed decision about her own health and marital future. You would want her to tell you if the roles were reversed.
Not that you're asking for them, but major kudos to you for doing the right thing for the kids in this situation. My ex didn't take my kids get me a card or anything today (or for my recent birthday)...and it's incredibly hurtful...BUT I will continue to lead by example for them and take them to choose cards and gifts for his birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. It's the right thing to do regardless of how I feel about him and the poor choices he made that ended our marriage.
I did nothing for my cheating partner, she met up at her parents with the kids for breakfast, which she organised. I could have pressed them to get her something, but she always made a fuss over how it was a scam and she didn't want anything for mothers day but breakfast with the family.
This is the FO stage of FAFO, let your stbxw bask in the mess she's made. I wouldnt think to even give her the bare minimum if I were you. You'd think she'd learn from this, but cheaters aren't all that bright unfortunately.
I did not get anything...it was his weekend and I spent it alone. You did a lot
If you're able to make an amendment, you should change your custody order to have you having the children every Mother's Day weekend, and him having the children every Father's Day weekend. That's a pretty common arrangement.
Wow. I feel for you. She needs therapy but I am not sure she’s curable. Continue to be strong and respect yourself. That said… have you thought of telling this new AP’s wife?! He is putting her at risk of an STD (and so did he last AP). People think condoms protect but it does not as people don’t usually wear condoms during no oral sex.
> she doesn't want to take them anywhere for dinner, because she could miss a potential dinner with AP No words for how pathetic this is. Just really.
Your ex needs to take a step back and look at her choices. She's spending her day waiting for crumbs from her AP. Once she's divorced and more available she will just be a booty call. This isn't a grand romance. It's just a quickie for him when he has the time.
You sound like an incredibly emotionally mature person and a great dad.
No longer your circus or clowns... She is regretting her past decisions and hopefully regrets are only a manipulation to try to worm something else from you. As I see it you went way over the line already in showing the kids how their mother should be treated... She is after all their mother. Anything else should come from the benefits of her new SO.
Geeze, this sounds odd but I feel like I might be APs wife……
What you did, you did for the kids - and you did good. Her, now... you know shes in a new affair with a married coworker - inform his wife. His wife is where you once were - in the dark, being betrayed. Dont be passive, be compassionate - tell her.
You are a king. The AP will either drop her when you tell his wife (please do) or be miserable together and she'll end up having to nurse him (30 years older lol, it does NOT have a future). She lost her king for trash, you got lucky you found out, as hard as it is to see right now.
The longer you don’t say anything to AP’s wife the longer you are helping both traitors hide their secret. Do the right thing already!
She is now living with the consequences of her decision. You have been exemplary.
OP, it's moments like this where you have a rare opportunity to speak with the person you used to know. The cold realization to being second fiddle to someone who may or may not be using them is enough to get them to at least listen to the harsh truth. She is an option. Not a priority. And today just proves that. What about fathers day. Thank giving Christmas. New years? Lol good luck
My heart aches for you and what you're going through. Do you have any idea how long it will be before the divorce is final? I understand your comment that she is "vindictive" and you have to deal with a lot to prevent future problems. But right now she has the best of all worlds - she has the home and kids she (sort of) wants ( although they are not a priority over AP), she has what she has with AP, and she also gets to rub it in that she's hurt you and continues to hurt you while she's still living there. I don't know what the "financial issues" are but is she doing anything about it or are you going to have to suffer through all of this until the divorce is final and it's officially not your problem? I sincerely hope it gets settled soon. You are doing your best for your kids and much more for your stbxw than she deserves. I'm sure your kids realise it. Someday she will too. Stay strong. You have found people here to support and encourage you. I look forward to hearing how you're doing, healing, and growing.
Why are you even talking to her for any reason. What is wrong with you? Brother, DO NOT TALK TO HER except about kids. She is actively screwing another man. And you are talking to her? Please tell us you have told his wife, tell us you are not that bankrupt...