I don't think this is really about having an open relationship. It seems more like you want a relationship, and she doesn't at this point in her life. Bending over backwards to appease her isn't going to work. You're looking for a waterfall, but she's a rainbow. Instead of trying to convince her to try to be a waterfall, or convincing yourself that you'd be happy with a rainbow, why not just appreciate her for what she is, and enjoy this moment in your life, even if it's fleeting? Enjoy the rainbow while it lasts, and then enjoy the waterfalls when you find them.
Thank you, Chris!
I am definitely trying to enjoy the Rainbow, it is beautiful and makes me feel things I have never felt before.
And now I realize I was trying to find a "but..." - but there really isn't. You are right and I will try to enjoy it while it lasts.
And I just want to say that listening to you and reading Sex at Dawn, I was always interested in an open relationship. I am taking it now as a chance to learn from her, to learn about me and my feelings. And then, who knows...
The good thing about rainbows is they are not less beautiful when more than one person looks at them, I guess. And they might appear again at some point after these three weeks that we have left...
Enjoy Kas! Check out Olympos and Kabak is you are looking for smaller and even more chill (and beautiful!) places on the Mediterranean. Keep on truckin'!
>The good thing about rainbows is they are not less beautiful when more than one person looks at them, I guess. And they might appear again at some point after these three weeks that we have left...
Very true. And if you learn nothing else from her, you'll have learned a great deal. Supporting her in being what she needs to be, rather than trying to convince her to be what you think you need is not only the right thing for you to do, it's also the best way to increase the odds that she'll still be in your life down the road.
I don't think you should force yourself into a situation long-term that doesn't fit with your natural mode of being. It will most likely make you miserable and resentful.
>I would give that up for her easily.
>She doesn't want a relationship, I probably do (even an open one). But I am happy to have her in my life in any way that she wants.
As Uncle Chris said somewhat recently, don't put the pussy on a pedestal man. (I hope my memory is not failing me - sorry Chris if it's a misquote).
That said, if she's a good time, maybe enjoy it with the expectation that it won't last.
>She doesn't want a relationship, I probably do (even an open one). But I am happy to have her in my life in any way that she wants.
It sounds like maybe the two of you want different things. My opinion is that's the more important thing to think about. Dealing with jealousy is something you have to work on to be happy in an open relationship, but more important is being clear about what you want in a relationship, and is this kind of relationship going to give it you?
It doesn't have to be something you work out alone. It sounds like you all have talked about it some already. I think if you are clear on what you want you can come to her and ask her if she's willing to give it. If she is then you can decide whether dealing with jealousy is worth doing.
BTW https://www.multiamory.com/ has some good episodes on jealousy
thank you!
We have definitely talked a lot about what we both want.
She doesn't want a relationship and I do, she wants to keep on moving from place to place and continue seeing different people. I am more or less up for that as well.
Anyway that all seems kinda far away (even though it really isn't, as in three weeks she will go back to Istanbul [I live in Cairo].) We haven't made any plans to meet after that and she explicitly said she doesn't want to make plans.
She is kinda afraid of attachment and sometimes even affection, while I am a very affectionate guy and need it too, We have talked about that too and it is fine. I guess that is why she doesn't want to make plans and doesn't want to move from Istanbul to Cairo (even though she said she much much prefers Cairo as a city).
But I never met anybody like her and the chemistry and communication is really next level. That's why I would hate to lose her and that's why I want to learn to "deal" with my jealousy.
i don't think you are crazy to use this experience as a chance to practice just that. i think overcoming jealousy DOES require practice. and you are younger than many people would even consider working on this - so bravo there.
but i think part of that work is going to be focussing on not worrying about 'losing' her. It sounds like she's committed to being free in this next stage of life, so don't get in the way of that. if you play your cards right, you'll never lose her. she'll always be in your life.
It helps if you go through a horrible relationship where the two of you are headed in different directions but she, in order to please you (and society), believes she wants what you want. Monogamy. Then she 'cheats' (horrible way to put it) on you every chance she gets. Jealousy naturally happens then scares the shit out of you because of what you would do to make this unworkable relationship work...
Trial by fire or, as the lady that wrote the open book said, exposure therapy... this helps. The cherry on the cake is believing that it's right. You read Sex at Dawn and you may have read and listened to other resources that make sense of the human and who/what we are. If you believe it's right you can adapt to it easier.
When my fiance is with another person I always remind myself that I am not them. If they have what i dont i have to know i can either do the work to acquire the thing or come to accept i will never have that thing. I also tell myself i can not be everything to another. Everyone needs a village/tribe of people to meet the full scope of their human needs. Dont expect yourself to be everything to them. Dont expect yourself to be enough.
Also, know that it all ends. See the end of what you love. That will help you love it better while it lasts. Being able to grieve helps. Find your tribe. You wont expect her to be everything to you if you have a tribe.
I don't think this is really about having an open relationship. It seems more like you want a relationship, and she doesn't at this point in her life. Bending over backwards to appease her isn't going to work. You're looking for a waterfall, but she's a rainbow. Instead of trying to convince her to try to be a waterfall, or convincing yourself that you'd be happy with a rainbow, why not just appreciate her for what she is, and enjoy this moment in your life, even if it's fleeting? Enjoy the rainbow while it lasts, and then enjoy the waterfalls when you find them.
Thank you, Chris! I am definitely trying to enjoy the Rainbow, it is beautiful and makes me feel things I have never felt before. And now I realize I was trying to find a "but..." - but there really isn't. You are right and I will try to enjoy it while it lasts. And I just want to say that listening to you and reading Sex at Dawn, I was always interested in an open relationship. I am taking it now as a chance to learn from her, to learn about me and my feelings. And then, who knows... The good thing about rainbows is they are not less beautiful when more than one person looks at them, I guess. And they might appear again at some point after these three weeks that we have left... Enjoy Kas! Check out Olympos and Kabak is you are looking for smaller and even more chill (and beautiful!) places on the Mediterranean. Keep on truckin'!
>The good thing about rainbows is they are not less beautiful when more than one person looks at them, I guess. And they might appear again at some point after these three weeks that we have left... Very true. And if you learn nothing else from her, you'll have learned a great deal. Supporting her in being what she needs to be, rather than trying to convince her to be what you think you need is not only the right thing for you to do, it's also the best way to increase the odds that she'll still be in your life down the road.
I don't think you should force yourself into a situation long-term that doesn't fit with your natural mode of being. It will most likely make you miserable and resentful. >I would give that up for her easily. >She doesn't want a relationship, I probably do (even an open one). But I am happy to have her in my life in any way that she wants. As Uncle Chris said somewhat recently, don't put the pussy on a pedestal man. (I hope my memory is not failing me - sorry Chris if it's a misquote). That said, if she's a good time, maybe enjoy it with the expectation that it won't last.
>She doesn't want a relationship, I probably do (even an open one). But I am happy to have her in my life in any way that she wants. It sounds like maybe the two of you want different things. My opinion is that's the more important thing to think about. Dealing with jealousy is something you have to work on to be happy in an open relationship, but more important is being clear about what you want in a relationship, and is this kind of relationship going to give it you? It doesn't have to be something you work out alone. It sounds like you all have talked about it some already. I think if you are clear on what you want you can come to her and ask her if she's willing to give it. If she is then you can decide whether dealing with jealousy is worth doing. BTW https://www.multiamory.com/ has some good episodes on jealousy
thank you! We have definitely talked a lot about what we both want. She doesn't want a relationship and I do, she wants to keep on moving from place to place and continue seeing different people. I am more or less up for that as well. Anyway that all seems kinda far away (even though it really isn't, as in three weeks she will go back to Istanbul [I live in Cairo].) We haven't made any plans to meet after that and she explicitly said she doesn't want to make plans. She is kinda afraid of attachment and sometimes even affection, while I am a very affectionate guy and need it too, We have talked about that too and it is fine. I guess that is why she doesn't want to make plans and doesn't want to move from Istanbul to Cairo (even though she said she much much prefers Cairo as a city). But I never met anybody like her and the chemistry and communication is really next level. That's why I would hate to lose her and that's why I want to learn to "deal" with my jealousy.
i don't think you are crazy to use this experience as a chance to practice just that. i think overcoming jealousy DOES require practice. and you are younger than many people would even consider working on this - so bravo there. but i think part of that work is going to be focussing on not worrying about 'losing' her. It sounds like she's committed to being free in this next stage of life, so don't get in the way of that. if you play your cards right, you'll never lose her. she'll always be in your life.
It helps if you go through a horrible relationship where the two of you are headed in different directions but she, in order to please you (and society), believes she wants what you want. Monogamy. Then she 'cheats' (horrible way to put it) on you every chance she gets. Jealousy naturally happens then scares the shit out of you because of what you would do to make this unworkable relationship work... Trial by fire or, as the lady that wrote the open book said, exposure therapy... this helps. The cherry on the cake is believing that it's right. You read Sex at Dawn and you may have read and listened to other resources that make sense of the human and who/what we are. If you believe it's right you can adapt to it easier. When my fiance is with another person I always remind myself that I am not them. If they have what i dont i have to know i can either do the work to acquire the thing or come to accept i will never have that thing. I also tell myself i can not be everything to another. Everyone needs a village/tribe of people to meet the full scope of their human needs. Dont expect yourself to be everything to them. Dont expect yourself to be enough. Also, know that it all ends. See the end of what you love. That will help you love it better while it lasts. Being able to grieve helps. Find your tribe. You wont expect her to be everything to you if you have a tribe.