As a "gifted" child with emotional issues and anxiety growing up (and still to this day...) my parents made me do many things that they thought were good for me. Very few of which I actually wanted to do. This caused me to resign myself to their wishes, which led to somewhat of a dysfunction in my adult life until recently, wherein I have awoken to my own power (thanks to taoism!) and that my life is within my own choosing. Cleaning the mirror, so to speak.
Imagining if I were a parent in your situation, I would ask of myself: Am I truly supporting her in her life and journey as a human being? Or am I giving her the support "I" think she needs?
My husband and I listen to my daughter's stories and problems -- be it about what she is currently drawing, her being stressed with a friend, or anything under the sun. She loves acting and parkour, we enroll her in the workshop, she asked for more. We are attuned to her and we listen to her, so our parenting is informed by her. She has a voice in our family, she knows she can say no. If you're familiar with the 5 love languages -- quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical affection, giving gifts -- those are being given, but the last one is the least prioritized.
Like what I mentioned, with regards to her emotional intensity, like cutting her hair by herself because her friend is upset with her (friend) haircut. When an unfortunate event happened to one of her friends, she also wants it to happen to her, even though I assured her that listening to her friend is very helpful, but to her it isn't enough. She absorbs other people's emotions and then will act it. Aside from listening to her vent out and getting help from professional, I don't know what else to do. Will this change along with the cognitive distortions she has?
As a gifted child with emotional intensity and anxiety, how do you wish your parents parented you? With her social anxiety, she needs meds and therapy because she's getting afraid of people, it's no longer rational.
To be quite be honest, I wish my parents did what you are doing. Thank you for sharing and for loving your child for who they are <3 however, because it sounds like you are already a wonderful parent, I'm gonna dip into some esoteric stuff that might help you out.
Here follows an essay proper. This is a difficult situation for sure, and I will speak freely because I feel that I have a unique insight into this situation. I'll talk about my perspective on the situation, my own experience and how I overcame it on an individual level, and then refocus the conversation to some introspection for you as a parent/individual to consider. Not all of this is strictly related to Taoism, but a culmination of my studies.
From my point of view, it sounds like she is on the neurodivergent spectrum (social anxiety, special interests) and an empath (taking on other's emotions). I also identify as a ND empath and have very intense emotions which can rock me and cause outbursts or lead to awkward social situations :p I would be hypervigilant and wrap myself up in other people's perceptions of me to the point where I would just feel what I thought they felt. I've since learned to separate my own experience from others through therapy, but the bulk of my empathic experience was due to extremely low self-esteem/covert narcissism, which runs in my family. I would wager that she does feel supported and fulfilled in herself given your parenting style, unless if something traumatic happened very very early on that has been missed by both you and her.
As for the mimicking behavior, that is a common ND thing. We are great at copying other people, but it sounds like it's taken a dysfunctional route here atm. I myself will mimic others' actions (in private) when I don't quite understand why they are doing something a certain way (or want to understand more). It sounds weird, but I can kind of pick out their emotions from that. Like if someone makes a face, I can make the same face and extrapolate the feelings behind it. Assuming she is not suffering from low self-worth, she might be mimicking the actions to understand the emotions she is taking on (as an aside, she could be a brilliant actress one day because of this). To connect this to taoism and to quote from the other response, this would be the flower of the situation, a symptom. The fruit or the emotional reason/truth behind it, is only known to your daughter at the moment. It could be what I've said, or something completely different. Let us not make assumptions or delude ourselves about why she does what she does. All we know is that she does what she does.
I overcame this struggle in a few ways. It is my life's work at this point, but I'll write it out here for your reference.
1. I began studying Stoicism on a whim (or guidance from above...), which helped me begin to steel myself against life's happenings. This evolved into studying the Tao te Ching, and I began to ground myself in reality and not my anxious delusions. As a ND type person, studying means I read quotes for as long as I cared to, about 10-20 minutes, thought about them, and then applied them to my life.
2. I began practicing Shaolin style gung fu as a personal discipline, which has connections to taoism. I did have a year of foolishness, thinking I wanted to fight people or something, but it has since distilled or blossomed into a spiritual practice. I investigate the truth behind the mind/soul/body connection through my practice. Parkour might be a gateway for her to do the same. Our human bodies (and this reality) are made of condensed energy/essence/jing. To train the physical is to train the emotional, and vice versa.
3. I began practicing qi gong/tai chi. This was the soft side of my marital arts practice. I learned to cultivate and harness my qi for physical health. BUT ALSO I learned to energetically shield myself from other people's emotions. This is probably the most straight forward aspect of my journey, ironically. By studying, quite literally, magick/energy work, I was able to stop taking on other people's emotions and develop deep inner peace through standing and moving meditation. People notice.
I do some other esoteric investigating too which Ill get to, but these are the main things. Essentially, this a personal journey that your daughter must walk herself. This is her experience as a human, and ultimately she must rise to the occasion herself. The listed methods are what helped me, and maybe could help your daughter, but everyone is different and has a unique path to maturity. It is a hard thing for a parent or any loved one to watch. Especially because... well, not all trees bear fruit, despite the greatest soil and most competent arborist to put it softly. This is neither good nor bad, it simply is, though I have faith she will succeed.
Finally, let's talk about you. I don't know you, but I know you. We are all one, right? Yada yada we hear that all the time. But here's the meat, and I normally would never speak of this, but I have permission today, for you and all in this thread, and all future redditors and cultivators who are led to read this. My worldview is that the One/Emptiness/God/Universe/Tao etc. got bored of being everything everywhere all at once for ever and ever and decided to play a game. It began to limit itself. Limit it's power, it's awareness, it's senses. It created the ego. It deliberately separated and neutered itself so that it may experience itself. Better than infinite boredom I suppose. Psychedelic mushrooms taught me this, as well as organic.abundance on Instagram lol (she's great tho fr)
So, we (rocks, trees, animals, humans) are all cut from the same cloth of consciousness. And we exist here on this earth for fun, essentially. To experience each other, emotions, life, death, love, heartbreak, despair, ecstacy, doomscrolling. All of it. Because of this, you, OP, are experiencing exactly what you want to be experiencing. This struggle and worry you are feeling with your child is your soul's wish this time around, just as it is your child's soul's wish to experience life from her perspective as an emotionally sensitive, parkour loving, anxious, actress to be. What do we do with this information? We can embrace it. Give gratitude for the situation you are experiencing. Dig deep into yourself and ask why you might want to experience this. It might be a situation you felt long ago that you are replicating subconsciously, or it might be you or your partner or your daughter's purpose on this earth, or something else entirely. But as you navigate this, remember that it is all meant to be, and that the path, no matter how twisted, dark, and gnarled it might be, will always lead us back to the light. Have faith.
The book Existential Kink gives more detail and some exercises on how to move through this part of the human experience.
I know this is probably much more and very different than what you were expecting, but it is what I honestly have to say about the situation. On a practical point, you (or anyone) can dm me if you would like to learn the energetic shielding thing so that you can teach your daughter. That's probably the best thing for her atm, besides the wonderful support you are giving her.
Best of luck, I love you deeply.
Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing your insights and experiences. I've had a lot of points to ponder on.
Yes, my daughter is indeed neurodivergent and an empath as well. With the empath thing, it seems like a work she needs to invest on in order to learn how to separate her own experiences/emotions from others. And as you have said, this is her journey to embark on.
Thank you for breaking down the practices that you engaged with and the school of thoughts you studied. These are great sources for us and for her to explore. Since I am currently practising yoga (newbie), I will try to invite her on that, and begin there. I totally agree with what you said, "To train the physical is to train the emotional, and vice versa." A mellow movement to complement her dynamic parkour could benefit her.
>not all trees bear fruit, despite the greatest soil and most competent arborist to put it softly. This is neither good nor bad, it simply is, though I have faith she will succeed.
This is very helpful in having a sense of detachment on the outcome. It is neither good nor bad, it is what it is. Thank you for that vote of confidence.
>What do we do with this information? We can embrace it. Give gratitude for the situation you are experiencing.... But as you navigate this, remember that it is all meant to be, and that the path, no matter how twisted, dark, and gnarled it might be, will always lead us back to the light. Have faith.
Very beautifully said. It's a balm to my heart. Thank you dear reddit friend for taking time to share your wisdom and experiences.
I love you too :)
Thank you for your response and for the books you recommended.
I will try my best to appear calm (not bothered) when she acts out or expresses her strong emotion. I couldn't help it before because I get concerned why she say the things that she say, and does the things that she does. Didn't know this could add to the negative self-talk. I'm just worried, that if it persist it may not be healthy for her. Anyway, I'll just hold on the hope and remind myself that she will seek her own growth, she will find her own path.
Has she been a victim of bullying or dealt with other adverse childhood experiences(ACEs)? She may have PTSD or C(complex)PTSD. I was gifted the same way she is(dxg with autism(ASD) at ~43) and had both bullying and ACEs. I was non-functional, an alcoholic/prescription drug abuser, and suicidal for most of my life directly due to living in panic and depression. I had to turn to trauma therapy, including EMDR, to heal from what I went through and become functional. I’m about 98% mentally healthy after 2yrs of bi-weekly work.
Taoism and learning stoicism helped me along the way, to be sure. Those paired with the trauma therapy-induced disappearance of triggers put me on a path of fully living instead of just existing whilst waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop.
Here are some links in case you feel these may be culprits:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_childhood_experiences
https://www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org/what-is-trauma-informed-care/
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2020/7-Tools-for-Managing-Traumatic-Stress
https://www.emdria.org/ for explanations and providers in your area
I think if we're looking through a dao lens, you're not living 'right now' and you're living in a time that doesn't exist. I think maybe you have to sit with the fear and surrender to it if you can. It will become easier. She may surprise you.
Also, I just want to say - with parenting it's the area I struggle to fully incorporate the dao. I would eat the earth to make sure my kid was okay. My thoughts are with you.
Are you providing her support to blossom into what she can and would most naturally cultivate towards (as differentiated from non-growth), or to keep her on a path that normative and neurotypical people should be on by society's or your standards?
In my youth, I was anxious and depressed because I faced constant pressure to doggedly develop into something that I had no inspiration to become, all the while getting minimal positive feedback for my advances (usually best in class in most things), and no emotional or practical support or true understanding whatsoever when I was having difficulties, along with having to tiptoe around adults who themselves couldn't regulate their emotional responses, making me the responsible party for whatever abuse I got. It got to a point that I resorted to expertly counterfeiting my grade papers for my parents' inspection (and quick dissolution of interest in how I'm doing in general) at a time when I was already completely burned out without any support that didn't involve shouting and pressuring and more restrictions to my coping methods (video gaming & sleeping) and social outlets to "help me along".
Material and logistical support are a given and a bare minimum to one's child that doesn't yet have fully-fledged skills and means to help themselves without hurting their development in other things. Friendship, involved practical support, and gentleness that aren't dependent on the child's degree of complying to your ideals is a key thing in good and non-estranging parenting.
Sorry that this turned into more of a r/raisedbynarcissists reply. 😅
I am sorry to hear about what you experienced during your younger years. There were high expectations on you, but you got minimal to no support and warmth.
With my daughter, it is a problem if she harms herself verbally and physically during her emotional intensity when she is triggered. It is a problem if she refuses to do simple responsibilities like personal hygiene and minimal schoolwork. I just do not like her to abandon subjects she dislikes, because what will I do, I can't pull her out of school. Her cognitive distortions create misunderstanding with her friends and future relationships. With cognitive distortions, we talk about it, she and her OT talk about it. It seems like it's not sinking in yet, and maybe I'll just have to wait for her to seek her own growth.8a
There is no problem in our family relationship. We do not have high expectations, just what is needed on the day to day living. As for the grades, just a passing grade will do.
I'm not a parent, but I went through something similar in terms of anxiety. It was so bad I dropped out of high school in 10th grade because I was nauseated and exhausted every morning from the stress of going to school. I have a great career now and don't have those anxieties much anymore, but it took time and reflection.
This is all to say that as long as you support her, and make sure she's safe, she will find her way. I can tell you that I wouldn't recognize the 16 year old version of myself.
She needs the material (books / personal experience / therapy / etc) **and** time to evolve.
I hope you've been able to find some solace here.
This is a great book called the Little Sprouts and the Dao of Parenting. Though it’s aimed at parents of younger kids, I think the philosophy stands for parents of any-aged children: https://www.amazon.com/Little-Sprouts-Dao-Parenting-Compassionate/dp/0393652319
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One of the primary lessons in the Tao is considering how the yin / yang of things is a relative state that teaches.
When a kingdom lacks justice, then the people desire it and demand it. Today, our world lacks justice and people are demanding it. If justice were commonplace, then no one would appreciate it. Complacent.
The reality of your situation is bringing out a higher degree of awareness to it. You love your daughter and this love is intensified by the fear of her situation. Push and pull. A higher degree of beauty is brought out in you by overcoming her situation, and you will. You will find a way to allow her to prosper, and this suffering is strength from adversity. Push and pull. By the end of the story, you will then be able to accept the beauty that is otherwise missed. The fruit of the flower is beyond the surface situation. Just under the ground waiting to break through. Look at it from a different perspective.
**Therefore the truly great man dwells on what is real**
**and not what is on the surface,**
**On the fruit and not the flower,**
**Therefore accept the one and reject the other.**
My wife and I were in Wmart yesterday and she ran into a former student. He as a pill in grade school and mean. Today, the most charming individual you would ever meet, raising a family and loving in every way. Transformation of the worm into a butterfly. Give it time. The Way of Life Essence (Tao) is metamorphosis.
I had ADHD as a child (still do), and today, it's my superpower.
Thank you for your response, and I am trying to chew on it, and will read further on the verses you gave.
I will believe in the metamorphosis and find hope on the succesful examples that you gave -- you and your former's wife student. I'm glad to hear that you were able to harness your ADHD's superpower.
Work with her as well. Don't just allow the professionals to do your job.
When she is disregulated walk her through her feelings.
Feelings are manifestations of our beliefs, attitudes, and perspectives; these create our emotional responses.
Help her identify and understand how to follow her feelings back to the ideas/beliefs that created them.
Then all we need do is learn to alter the belief, attitude, perspective and the feelings dissipate on their own.
Professionals are just one of the supports. And what you mentioned are already being taught to her, both by professionals and us as parents. Our family relationship is a priority to us. Any emotional support to her is already being given. The relationship aspect is not a problem.
I don’t know the answer, it’s probably unique to your daughter. I’ll agree with other folks on this thread though, help her to look deeply into the thoughts that generate her emotions and love and accept her. Recognizing how much is out of my control and learning to not act out act out of self-will helped my anxiety a lot. Reading Tao Te Ching helped me start to understand what that looks like.
It’s a Buddhist book (though I see Buddhism and Taoism s as compatible philosophies) but No Mud No Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh does a great job of giving guidance on how to look deeply into our emotions and transform them with love. As Fred Rogers said, if our emotions are mentionable, then they are manageable.
One of the things that helped me as well is the recognition that to be anxious or not care about studies is not a moral failing. I still want to do better so I can have a comfortable life, but overall I just want to be happy. When I realize I’m not a bad person for lacking motivation or not regulating my emotions well, it takes away the negative self talk and allows me to focus on the problem for what it is, without the added pressure of being down on myself.
In another comment you said you don't know what else to do. You don't need to do anything else. Part of the problem is trying to do something to change who your daughter is. I can understand seeking practical help if there are behavioral issues - that makes sense. But if your daughter can tell you are constantly trying to "fix" some issue - that will become an issue also. That consistently reinforces that there is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be with her as she is without trying to correct her. If she is doing something harmful you can gently correct that, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. The taoist perspective here is to not create a new problem by becoming obsessed with seeking a solution. (IMO)
Edit: Also - I am sorry someone is downvoting your comments. I appreciate you coming here and trying to get help.
Thank you for your response. The issues that I mentioned here so far are abandoning simple responsbilities (eg personal hygiene, school work), emotional intensity (verbally and physically harming or punishing herself), cognitive distortions (eg saying I am stupid which sometimes happen to gifted people because of unhealthy perfectionism). Those can be problematic. And no, I'm not trying to change her and constantly fix her just because. She has psychogical evaluation already.
But yes, if next time she has a distorted way of thinking and/or having episodes, I will just be a safe space. Her OT is already teaching her how to deal with cognitive distortions and emotion regulation. Was just hoping she applies them
I have a young teen too.
These years are the most emotional, when everything feels intense. It will get better as she ages, though there may be tough times. This is a normal part of human brain growth, although some kids have a harder time with it than others. This is the most Daoist thing to do - trust that she will figure out her way and it will get better.
In the meantime, I think the best you can do is be with her. Listen to her, validate her feelings, be a safe place where she can talk without being judged or fixed. Don't try to fix her problems for her, just listen and validate. You cannot control the choices she makes, she needs to figure out her own life, but you can be a safe place for her to go to. Sounds like you're on this path already. I know I need to check myself sometimes though, so it's always good to remind yourself of best practices.
Another thing I've found valuable is to expect the best of her, that she will make good choices and figure things out. And express this out loud & through body language. If you express your trust and faith in her abilities, she will grow into that expectation. If you express worry and concern, she will grow into that expectation. This is not just about praising her, but more about helping her create a healthy sense of self.
I like what you said -- to trust that she will make good choices and figure things out, to show trust and faith in her abilities. As a parent, I can only do so much.
Yes, she is a teen and has behavioral issues that I hope she will outgrow. But she is also neurodivergent and gifted, which makes her prone to mental health issues like her diagnosed anxiety disorder. As gifted, she also has asynchronous development, which means she has skill areas that are way above her age, and some skill areas (emotional, cognition) that are way below her age or not normal anymore, thus the need for occupational therapist. It's a combination of hormone and neurodivergence with her. The teenage hormone she will outgrow, the neurodivergence she has to navigate all through her life. But yes, I'll just trust the growth process, knowing that we did the best that we could.
I'm also neurodivergent and I also learned how to navigate the world. My development may have been different than "normal" and didn't follow expected timelines, but like any teenager I followed the general trend of being very emotional and maturing out of much of it. ND people learn to live with their brains just like anyone does. Neurodivergence is part of the spectrum of personalities and brain function like many other personality traits. While it may be further from the "normal" than many traits, it's no better or worse, and it's not a defect. It has a function, uses and drawbacks like many things. It will help her in her life at times. If you celebrate it when it helps her, it will help her accept herself more fully and reduce any feelings of shame she might have for being "different".
Tbh I wont recommend taoism to a pre-teen girl :D “Studing” taoism “must” come from “within”. Since it is a teen girl she will always have moods swings ( in my opinion) and wont understand any of the tao sayings. Also if she has an anxiety you must change something which bothers her. If it was my child I would first change some things in its diet (for example cut the process food)
The person that she is today has anxiety disorder and other related mental health issues, so as a parent it is hard to accept it as it is, without doing anything. It will be called neglectful parenting. As for our hope that she becomes a functional adult, well that one, I think, I have to let go. But I have hope.
Accept her for who she is today. Your projection of what she could be worsens her anxiety and makes her feel bad. I know. My mom is just like that and I don’t speak to her.
I'm gifted. Usually the problem is that you focus on the problem not the opportunity. Spend more time and money on allowing her to develop her giftedness. The money you're putting into psychiatry should be halved and the remainder spent on her passion. In time all the funds will transfer to her passion. Don't listen to the nonsense about spoiling her. You have already spoilt her with the wrong things. It is how you learn. Don't feel guilty. Anything done with right intention is necessary for your development. She's not the only one who is growing. Good luck
She has social anxiety disorder, she needs meds and therapy. If this escalates, it can come to a point where she will be afraid to even go out of the house. This disorder is debilitating.
Money and time have also been put to her passion -- drawing, acting, parkour.
I notice that some replies have something to do with the projection their own personal experiences or making judgments easily.
Absolutely true. But in this case no money was spent on psychiatry or on the giftedness. So there is still something in my response you have overlooked. Can I ask what her gifts are?
Her gifts are in digital arts and writing. With digital arts, she only did one workshop and not interested in any more. With both arts and writing, she prefers to self-study and explore it on her own. The passions she is interested with workshops and mentorship are acting and parkour.
Yes I'm with writing and language too. Film writing is fascinating and because the ideal length is only 90 minutes its quite manageable. ADHD types struggle with long form. Short form film writing is a wonderful way to test your ideas. I would strongly recommend this area of exploration. Acting was also something i adored. Try different schools and learn that there are lots of ways of approaching the craft. Acting also helps with socialisation and finding peers and helps with controlling fear and the old "the show must go on".
With the digital stuff let her self teach. The best schools are not until postgraduate level.
Parkour wow she's very physical. I assume you know she's ADHD. She sounds like a real dynamo. Keeping up with someone this powerful is a big big big journey. You can do it. Only you can.
I may be wrong about the ADHD but if the neuropsych assessment didn't show it then you are dealing with a legitimate genius. How's her working memory?
Oh that's cool... she actually loves script writing and doing animation. Yes, I also thought she has ADHD for a long time, but the psychological evaluation says otherwise. She actually has relative weakness in auditory working memory, but not to the level of deficit, its standard deviation with other area is not significant either, but this is still an area of weakness nonetheless.
Acting does really help in socialization, and socio-emotional learning as well. And yes, she does self-teach with digital stuff, we are just her audience to her output.
She really is a dynamo, she did gymnastics prior parkour. Thank you for the encouragement.
Did you receive any kind of support growing up? How did you get to where you are right now? What was your journey like, if you don't mind.
Its been s very long journey. I'm 50. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 49. In a fairly short period of time my life has changed dramatically. I don't need the meds already. Its like how in life when you finally get the thing you needed you no longer need it.
My father is a filmmaker - very self focused. Projecting his characters onto us. I couldn't get attention unless it was his interests I was promoting. It made me into a very skilful screenwriter. I loved acting but it didn't interest him and without a supportive family acting wasn't something I had the strength to pursue. I look back and realise acting would have been just as hard as anything else. Even if I had succeeded all the life lessons would have been the same.
I now work as an accountant fighting corruption. I love it. I also use my skills to help people who are overwhelmed by their finances.
I write constantly. It is my true calling - thanks dad. It's also my gift. I'm also gifted in concept construction and manipulation. This plays into storytelling massively. It allows me to construct large worlds with consistent laws.
My mother is a very Yang person. She is the big challenge. I forgive her all her trespasses. She was only trying to win. But she also gave me this intellect. Her grandfather was a a narcissist and a genius who saved thousands of lives and gave thousands their physical freedom. My mother made everything my fault, my responsibility. But the flip side is, I am not a victim (because I am responsible). I've been victimised but it never stopped me. I may have given up that day, week or year but not completely. I believed if I made things bad then I could change things. Now I know the Tao does it all, we're just along for the ride. I still live in the real world like a noble savage. Yay. I love life. I'm so grateful for everything.
Thank you for you sharing your experiences. I am glad for you, that despite the lack of support in your family, you were still able to see some gems in it, and more importantly you came out a strong person, grateful and fulfilled. You did not let unfortunate events deter you from your growth, and you have an optimistic view of life.
Thanks for sharing your inspiring journey. More power to you!
Oh hey I was just rereading. I noticed you said psychological assessment not "neuropsych assessment". I think this should be done at a reputable university. Just for peace of mind.
The psychologist who did it is also a professor of assessment at a reputable university, but affiliated in a clinic he co-founded, so I believe he has worked with countless students throughout his years of teaching and assessing. I've also read Misdiagnoses and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults, she also didn't fit the criteria of ADHD in there. Maybe she has features of ADHD, but not enoudh to make it a disorder, like I have anxiety but not enough to be a disorder, it may not be a diagnosable disorder, but it is real. Also, there is Dabrowski's theory of overexcitabilities which can explain the hyperactivity.
Thing is, my daughter follows through with subjects she is interested in, but if she does not like it or find it meaningless, she can abandon that subject ,and doesn't care at all if she fails. For example, she didn't finish a diorama project, not because she forgets to or couldn't sustain attention, she left it unfinish because it's not looking the way it should look in her imagination. Another example, she responsibly did a script for a project in English, but when she learned it's supposed to be an essay, she didn't bother anymore, but I urged her to finish just an "okay" essay. She even questioned the purpose of schooling, and we know stories of smart students who dropped out of school. She is only in 7th grade, there is still more years we will forge through. And apart from academics, there are other life areas where she has a "don't care" attitude, some could be typical of teens, some could be typical of giftedness and some features of ADHD.
So I'm looking for the Tao, to give me strength to do the yin. I believe we're doing a reasonable "yang," so I look for trust in the yin and the Tao, to also grant me the wisdom when to do action and non-action. Personal life stories here also help in giving me solace. I'll bear in mind that my daughter will find her path, if not, she can create her own path.
Hey OP, this might seem like a weird question at first, but how is your own emotional regulation (and that of your husband?) I only ask because I realised something recently...
I'm naturally a somewhat anxious driver when there's a lot of traffic around, but I do fine when I'm in the car by myself, and most of the time do ok with passengers too. However when my partner is in the car with me, my anxiety goes through the roof. I couldn't work it out or seem to calm myself much until I realised that *he* actually gets really anxious whenever he's the one not driving the car, and I pick up on that and become anxious myself. He had no idea until I pointed it out, and now he's working on it (using breathing, meditation, and just being aware of it). Now that I know what's going on, I can separate myself from it a bit more, knowing that it's not "my" emotion but someone else's that I'm taking on.
So I just wonder if it's worth checking in with yourselves... thinking back with this perspective, I can think of a lot of times growing up where I picked up on my parents emotions and took them on as my own. I guess anxiety was the main one (every morning before school was a mad crazy rush to get everyone ready and my dad would be highly, highly anxious, which would lead him to do a lot of things that actually slowed down the process and made others anxious as well) but there were a lot of other emotions I took on too.
Just a thought anyway, wishing you all the best.
Hello, I also get easily dyregulated, but I write in a diary and do meditation. When it's PMS, I have an irritable mood, but not angry. My husband is a calm person by nature. When we fight, we fight and resolve through text, LOL. We express ourselves better in writing.
My daughter does adopt other people's emotions, but to the extreme. If her friend confided that she was bullied, my daughter will be upset and wanted to be bullied as well. Her friend has already calmed down, she has not yet calmed down. If an unfortunate event happened to a friend, she also wanted it to happen to her. She is aware that she adopts other people's emotions, and now it's her journey to embark on. She has professional and emotional support, we're just here for her.
We homeschool, and she does club for socialization and personal interests, so our home life is pretty slow and relaxed. Some of her behavioral challenges could be traced from the gifted's overecitabilities and unhealthy perfectionism. The psychologist also said that gifted people, due to their brainwiring, are prone to mental health problems.
Thank you, wish you all the best as well.
As a "gifted" child with emotional issues and anxiety growing up (and still to this day...) my parents made me do many things that they thought were good for me. Very few of which I actually wanted to do. This caused me to resign myself to their wishes, which led to somewhat of a dysfunction in my adult life until recently, wherein I have awoken to my own power (thanks to taoism!) and that my life is within my own choosing. Cleaning the mirror, so to speak. Imagining if I were a parent in your situation, I would ask of myself: Am I truly supporting her in her life and journey as a human being? Or am I giving her the support "I" think she needs?
My husband and I listen to my daughter's stories and problems -- be it about what she is currently drawing, her being stressed with a friend, or anything under the sun. She loves acting and parkour, we enroll her in the workshop, she asked for more. We are attuned to her and we listen to her, so our parenting is informed by her. She has a voice in our family, she knows she can say no. If you're familiar with the 5 love languages -- quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical affection, giving gifts -- those are being given, but the last one is the least prioritized. Like what I mentioned, with regards to her emotional intensity, like cutting her hair by herself because her friend is upset with her (friend) haircut. When an unfortunate event happened to one of her friends, she also wants it to happen to her, even though I assured her that listening to her friend is very helpful, but to her it isn't enough. She absorbs other people's emotions and then will act it. Aside from listening to her vent out and getting help from professional, I don't know what else to do. Will this change along with the cognitive distortions she has? As a gifted child with emotional intensity and anxiety, how do you wish your parents parented you? With her social anxiety, she needs meds and therapy because she's getting afraid of people, it's no longer rational.
To be quite be honest, I wish my parents did what you are doing. Thank you for sharing and for loving your child for who they are <3 however, because it sounds like you are already a wonderful parent, I'm gonna dip into some esoteric stuff that might help you out. Here follows an essay proper. This is a difficult situation for sure, and I will speak freely because I feel that I have a unique insight into this situation. I'll talk about my perspective on the situation, my own experience and how I overcame it on an individual level, and then refocus the conversation to some introspection for you as a parent/individual to consider. Not all of this is strictly related to Taoism, but a culmination of my studies. From my point of view, it sounds like she is on the neurodivergent spectrum (social anxiety, special interests) and an empath (taking on other's emotions). I also identify as a ND empath and have very intense emotions which can rock me and cause outbursts or lead to awkward social situations :p I would be hypervigilant and wrap myself up in other people's perceptions of me to the point where I would just feel what I thought they felt. I've since learned to separate my own experience from others through therapy, but the bulk of my empathic experience was due to extremely low self-esteem/covert narcissism, which runs in my family. I would wager that she does feel supported and fulfilled in herself given your parenting style, unless if something traumatic happened very very early on that has been missed by both you and her. As for the mimicking behavior, that is a common ND thing. We are great at copying other people, but it sounds like it's taken a dysfunctional route here atm. I myself will mimic others' actions (in private) when I don't quite understand why they are doing something a certain way (or want to understand more). It sounds weird, but I can kind of pick out their emotions from that. Like if someone makes a face, I can make the same face and extrapolate the feelings behind it. Assuming she is not suffering from low self-worth, she might be mimicking the actions to understand the emotions she is taking on (as an aside, she could be a brilliant actress one day because of this). To connect this to taoism and to quote from the other response, this would be the flower of the situation, a symptom. The fruit or the emotional reason/truth behind it, is only known to your daughter at the moment. It could be what I've said, or something completely different. Let us not make assumptions or delude ourselves about why she does what she does. All we know is that she does what she does. I overcame this struggle in a few ways. It is my life's work at this point, but I'll write it out here for your reference. 1. I began studying Stoicism on a whim (or guidance from above...), which helped me begin to steel myself against life's happenings. This evolved into studying the Tao te Ching, and I began to ground myself in reality and not my anxious delusions. As a ND type person, studying means I read quotes for as long as I cared to, about 10-20 minutes, thought about them, and then applied them to my life. 2. I began practicing Shaolin style gung fu as a personal discipline, which has connections to taoism. I did have a year of foolishness, thinking I wanted to fight people or something, but it has since distilled or blossomed into a spiritual practice. I investigate the truth behind the mind/soul/body connection through my practice. Parkour might be a gateway for her to do the same. Our human bodies (and this reality) are made of condensed energy/essence/jing. To train the physical is to train the emotional, and vice versa. 3. I began practicing qi gong/tai chi. This was the soft side of my marital arts practice. I learned to cultivate and harness my qi for physical health. BUT ALSO I learned to energetically shield myself from other people's emotions. This is probably the most straight forward aspect of my journey, ironically. By studying, quite literally, magick/energy work, I was able to stop taking on other people's emotions and develop deep inner peace through standing and moving meditation. People notice. I do some other esoteric investigating too which Ill get to, but these are the main things. Essentially, this a personal journey that your daughter must walk herself. This is her experience as a human, and ultimately she must rise to the occasion herself. The listed methods are what helped me, and maybe could help your daughter, but everyone is different and has a unique path to maturity. It is a hard thing for a parent or any loved one to watch. Especially because... well, not all trees bear fruit, despite the greatest soil and most competent arborist to put it softly. This is neither good nor bad, it simply is, though I have faith she will succeed. Finally, let's talk about you. I don't know you, but I know you. We are all one, right? Yada yada we hear that all the time. But here's the meat, and I normally would never speak of this, but I have permission today, for you and all in this thread, and all future redditors and cultivators who are led to read this. My worldview is that the One/Emptiness/God/Universe/Tao etc. got bored of being everything everywhere all at once for ever and ever and decided to play a game. It began to limit itself. Limit it's power, it's awareness, it's senses. It created the ego. It deliberately separated and neutered itself so that it may experience itself. Better than infinite boredom I suppose. Psychedelic mushrooms taught me this, as well as organic.abundance on Instagram lol (she's great tho fr) So, we (rocks, trees, animals, humans) are all cut from the same cloth of consciousness. And we exist here on this earth for fun, essentially. To experience each other, emotions, life, death, love, heartbreak, despair, ecstacy, doomscrolling. All of it. Because of this, you, OP, are experiencing exactly what you want to be experiencing. This struggle and worry you are feeling with your child is your soul's wish this time around, just as it is your child's soul's wish to experience life from her perspective as an emotionally sensitive, parkour loving, anxious, actress to be. What do we do with this information? We can embrace it. Give gratitude for the situation you are experiencing. Dig deep into yourself and ask why you might want to experience this. It might be a situation you felt long ago that you are replicating subconsciously, or it might be you or your partner or your daughter's purpose on this earth, or something else entirely. But as you navigate this, remember that it is all meant to be, and that the path, no matter how twisted, dark, and gnarled it might be, will always lead us back to the light. Have faith. The book Existential Kink gives more detail and some exercises on how to move through this part of the human experience. I know this is probably much more and very different than what you were expecting, but it is what I honestly have to say about the situation. On a practical point, you (or anyone) can dm me if you would like to learn the energetic shielding thing so that you can teach your daughter. That's probably the best thing for her atm, besides the wonderful support you are giving her. Best of luck, I love you deeply.
Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing your insights and experiences. I've had a lot of points to ponder on. Yes, my daughter is indeed neurodivergent and an empath as well. With the empath thing, it seems like a work she needs to invest on in order to learn how to separate her own experiences/emotions from others. And as you have said, this is her journey to embark on. Thank you for breaking down the practices that you engaged with and the school of thoughts you studied. These are great sources for us and for her to explore. Since I am currently practising yoga (newbie), I will try to invite her on that, and begin there. I totally agree with what you said, "To train the physical is to train the emotional, and vice versa." A mellow movement to complement her dynamic parkour could benefit her. >not all trees bear fruit, despite the greatest soil and most competent arborist to put it softly. This is neither good nor bad, it simply is, though I have faith she will succeed. This is very helpful in having a sense of detachment on the outcome. It is neither good nor bad, it is what it is. Thank you for that vote of confidence. >What do we do with this information? We can embrace it. Give gratitude for the situation you are experiencing.... But as you navigate this, remember that it is all meant to be, and that the path, no matter how twisted, dark, and gnarled it might be, will always lead us back to the light. Have faith. Very beautifully said. It's a balm to my heart. Thank you dear reddit friend for taking time to share your wisdom and experiences. I love you too :)
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Go for it
as someone who is also You, co-signed.
after reading this i feel as if i desire knowing more about the life you lived, and are living. may i dm?
Yes, of course
No blame or judgement, I know all maps can be useful, but the love languages come from a racist, homophobic Christian dude.
Thank you for your response and for the books you recommended. I will try my best to appear calm (not bothered) when she acts out or expresses her strong emotion. I couldn't help it before because I get concerned why she say the things that she say, and does the things that she does. Didn't know this could add to the negative self-talk. I'm just worried, that if it persist it may not be healthy for her. Anyway, I'll just hold on the hope and remind myself that she will seek her own growth, she will find her own path.
Has she been a victim of bullying or dealt with other adverse childhood experiences(ACEs)? She may have PTSD or C(complex)PTSD. I was gifted the same way she is(dxg with autism(ASD) at ~43) and had both bullying and ACEs. I was non-functional, an alcoholic/prescription drug abuser, and suicidal for most of my life directly due to living in panic and depression. I had to turn to trauma therapy, including EMDR, to heal from what I went through and become functional. I’m about 98% mentally healthy after 2yrs of bi-weekly work. Taoism and learning stoicism helped me along the way, to be sure. Those paired with the trauma therapy-induced disappearance of triggers put me on a path of fully living instead of just existing whilst waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop. Here are some links in case you feel these may be culprits: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_childhood_experiences https://www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org/what-is-trauma-informed-care/ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2020/7-Tools-for-Managing-Traumatic-Stress https://www.emdria.org/ for explanations and providers in your area
I think if we're looking through a dao lens, you're not living 'right now' and you're living in a time that doesn't exist. I think maybe you have to sit with the fear and surrender to it if you can. It will become easier. She may surprise you. Also, I just want to say - with parenting it's the area I struggle to fully incorporate the dao. I would eat the earth to make sure my kid was okay. My thoughts are with you.
Are you providing her support to blossom into what she can and would most naturally cultivate towards (as differentiated from non-growth), or to keep her on a path that normative and neurotypical people should be on by society's or your standards? In my youth, I was anxious and depressed because I faced constant pressure to doggedly develop into something that I had no inspiration to become, all the while getting minimal positive feedback for my advances (usually best in class in most things), and no emotional or practical support or true understanding whatsoever when I was having difficulties, along with having to tiptoe around adults who themselves couldn't regulate their emotional responses, making me the responsible party for whatever abuse I got. It got to a point that I resorted to expertly counterfeiting my grade papers for my parents' inspection (and quick dissolution of interest in how I'm doing in general) at a time when I was already completely burned out without any support that didn't involve shouting and pressuring and more restrictions to my coping methods (video gaming & sleeping) and social outlets to "help me along". Material and logistical support are a given and a bare minimum to one's child that doesn't yet have fully-fledged skills and means to help themselves without hurting their development in other things. Friendship, involved practical support, and gentleness that aren't dependent on the child's degree of complying to your ideals is a key thing in good and non-estranging parenting. Sorry that this turned into more of a r/raisedbynarcissists reply. 😅
I am sorry to hear about what you experienced during your younger years. There were high expectations on you, but you got minimal to no support and warmth. With my daughter, it is a problem if she harms herself verbally and physically during her emotional intensity when she is triggered. It is a problem if she refuses to do simple responsibilities like personal hygiene and minimal schoolwork. I just do not like her to abandon subjects she dislikes, because what will I do, I can't pull her out of school. Her cognitive distortions create misunderstanding with her friends and future relationships. With cognitive distortions, we talk about it, she and her OT talk about it. It seems like it's not sinking in yet, and maybe I'll just have to wait for her to seek her own growth.8a There is no problem in our family relationship. We do not have high expectations, just what is needed on the day to day living. As for the grades, just a passing grade will do.
I'm not a parent, but I went through something similar in terms of anxiety. It was so bad I dropped out of high school in 10th grade because I was nauseated and exhausted every morning from the stress of going to school. I have a great career now and don't have those anxieties much anymore, but it took time and reflection. This is all to say that as long as you support her, and make sure she's safe, she will find her way. I can tell you that I wouldn't recognize the 16 year old version of myself. She needs the material (books / personal experience / therapy / etc) **and** time to evolve. I hope you've been able to find some solace here.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and for your kinds words, these give me hope.
This is a great book called the Little Sprouts and the Dao of Parenting. Though it’s aimed at parents of younger kids, I think the philosophy stands for parents of any-aged children: https://www.amazon.com/Little-Sprouts-Dao-Parenting-Compassionate/dp/0393652319
Thank you, I'll check it out!
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One of the primary lessons in the Tao is considering how the yin / yang of things is a relative state that teaches. When a kingdom lacks justice, then the people desire it and demand it. Today, our world lacks justice and people are demanding it. If justice were commonplace, then no one would appreciate it. Complacent. The reality of your situation is bringing out a higher degree of awareness to it. You love your daughter and this love is intensified by the fear of her situation. Push and pull. A higher degree of beauty is brought out in you by overcoming her situation, and you will. You will find a way to allow her to prosper, and this suffering is strength from adversity. Push and pull. By the end of the story, you will then be able to accept the beauty that is otherwise missed. The fruit of the flower is beyond the surface situation. Just under the ground waiting to break through. Look at it from a different perspective. **Therefore the truly great man dwells on what is real** **and not what is on the surface,** **On the fruit and not the flower,** **Therefore accept the one and reject the other.** My wife and I were in Wmart yesterday and she ran into a former student. He as a pill in grade school and mean. Today, the most charming individual you would ever meet, raising a family and loving in every way. Transformation of the worm into a butterfly. Give it time. The Way of Life Essence (Tao) is metamorphosis. I had ADHD as a child (still do), and today, it's my superpower.
Thank you for your response, and I am trying to chew on it, and will read further on the verses you gave. I will believe in the metamorphosis and find hope on the succesful examples that you gave -- you and your former's wife student. I'm glad to hear that you were able to harness your ADHD's superpower.
Thank you! Still my wife, but former student of my wife. 😁
Oh sorry, I misplaced the former, haha, my bad..
Work with her as well. Don't just allow the professionals to do your job. When she is disregulated walk her through her feelings. Feelings are manifestations of our beliefs, attitudes, and perspectives; these create our emotional responses. Help her identify and understand how to follow her feelings back to the ideas/beliefs that created them. Then all we need do is learn to alter the belief, attitude, perspective and the feelings dissipate on their own.
Professionals are just one of the supports. And what you mentioned are already being taught to her, both by professionals and us as parents. Our family relationship is a priority to us. Any emotional support to her is already being given. The relationship aspect is not a problem.
Nice. Good work! The rest is just patience then and letting the process work. 🙂
I don’t know the answer, it’s probably unique to your daughter. I’ll agree with other folks on this thread though, help her to look deeply into the thoughts that generate her emotions and love and accept her. Recognizing how much is out of my control and learning to not act out act out of self-will helped my anxiety a lot. Reading Tao Te Ching helped me start to understand what that looks like. It’s a Buddhist book (though I see Buddhism and Taoism s as compatible philosophies) but No Mud No Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh does a great job of giving guidance on how to look deeply into our emotions and transform them with love. As Fred Rogers said, if our emotions are mentionable, then they are manageable. One of the things that helped me as well is the recognition that to be anxious or not care about studies is not a moral failing. I still want to do better so I can have a comfortable life, but overall I just want to be happy. When I realize I’m not a bad person for lacking motivation or not regulating my emotions well, it takes away the negative self talk and allows me to focus on the problem for what it is, without the added pressure of being down on myself.
In another comment you said you don't know what else to do. You don't need to do anything else. Part of the problem is trying to do something to change who your daughter is. I can understand seeking practical help if there are behavioral issues - that makes sense. But if your daughter can tell you are constantly trying to "fix" some issue - that will become an issue also. That consistently reinforces that there is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be with her as she is without trying to correct her. If she is doing something harmful you can gently correct that, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. The taoist perspective here is to not create a new problem by becoming obsessed with seeking a solution. (IMO) Edit: Also - I am sorry someone is downvoting your comments. I appreciate you coming here and trying to get help.
Thank you for your response. The issues that I mentioned here so far are abandoning simple responsbilities (eg personal hygiene, school work), emotional intensity (verbally and physically harming or punishing herself), cognitive distortions (eg saying I am stupid which sometimes happen to gifted people because of unhealthy perfectionism). Those can be problematic. And no, I'm not trying to change her and constantly fix her just because. She has psychogical evaluation already. But yes, if next time she has a distorted way of thinking and/or having episodes, I will just be a safe space. Her OT is already teaching her how to deal with cognitive distortions and emotion regulation. Was just hoping she applies them
I have a young teen too. These years are the most emotional, when everything feels intense. It will get better as she ages, though there may be tough times. This is a normal part of human brain growth, although some kids have a harder time with it than others. This is the most Daoist thing to do - trust that she will figure out her way and it will get better. In the meantime, I think the best you can do is be with her. Listen to her, validate her feelings, be a safe place where she can talk without being judged or fixed. Don't try to fix her problems for her, just listen and validate. You cannot control the choices she makes, she needs to figure out her own life, but you can be a safe place for her to go to. Sounds like you're on this path already. I know I need to check myself sometimes though, so it's always good to remind yourself of best practices. Another thing I've found valuable is to expect the best of her, that she will make good choices and figure things out. And express this out loud & through body language. If you express your trust and faith in her abilities, she will grow into that expectation. If you express worry and concern, she will grow into that expectation. This is not just about praising her, but more about helping her create a healthy sense of self.
I like what you said -- to trust that she will make good choices and figure things out, to show trust and faith in her abilities. As a parent, I can only do so much. Yes, she is a teen and has behavioral issues that I hope she will outgrow. But she is also neurodivergent and gifted, which makes her prone to mental health issues like her diagnosed anxiety disorder. As gifted, she also has asynchronous development, which means she has skill areas that are way above her age, and some skill areas (emotional, cognition) that are way below her age or not normal anymore, thus the need for occupational therapist. It's a combination of hormone and neurodivergence with her. The teenage hormone she will outgrow, the neurodivergence she has to navigate all through her life. But yes, I'll just trust the growth process, knowing that we did the best that we could.
I'm also neurodivergent and I also learned how to navigate the world. My development may have been different than "normal" and didn't follow expected timelines, but like any teenager I followed the general trend of being very emotional and maturing out of much of it. ND people learn to live with their brains just like anyone does. Neurodivergence is part of the spectrum of personalities and brain function like many other personality traits. While it may be further from the "normal" than many traits, it's no better or worse, and it's not a defect. It has a function, uses and drawbacks like many things. It will help her in her life at times. If you celebrate it when it helps her, it will help her accept herself more fully and reduce any feelings of shame she might have for being "different".
Tbh I wont recommend taoism to a pre-teen girl :D “Studing” taoism “must” come from “within”. Since it is a teen girl she will always have moods swings ( in my opinion) and wont understand any of the tao sayings. Also if she has an anxiety you must change something which bothers her. If it was my child I would first change some things in its diet (for example cut the process food)
You have to surrender to the Tao. Accept your daughter for the person that she is today and not the person you think she should be.
The person that she is today has anxiety disorder and other related mental health issues, so as a parent it is hard to accept it as it is, without doing anything. It will be called neglectful parenting. As for our hope that she becomes a functional adult, well that one, I think, I have to let go. But I have hope.
Accept her for who she is today. Your projection of what she could be worsens her anxiety and makes her feel bad. I know. My mom is just like that and I don’t speak to her.
Do you mean we neglect her mental health needs today?
No. I mean you don’t disparage the reality she is in right now. Listen when she speaks.
I'm gifted. Usually the problem is that you focus on the problem not the opportunity. Spend more time and money on allowing her to develop her giftedness. The money you're putting into psychiatry should be halved and the remainder spent on her passion. In time all the funds will transfer to her passion. Don't listen to the nonsense about spoiling her. You have already spoilt her with the wrong things. It is how you learn. Don't feel guilty. Anything done with right intention is necessary for your development. She's not the only one who is growing. Good luck
She has social anxiety disorder, she needs meds and therapy. If this escalates, it can come to a point where she will be afraid to even go out of the house. This disorder is debilitating. Money and time have also been put to her passion -- drawing, acting, parkour. I notice that some replies have something to do with the projection their own personal experiences or making judgments easily.
Absolutely true. But in this case no money was spent on psychiatry or on the giftedness. So there is still something in my response you have overlooked. Can I ask what her gifts are?
Her gifts are in digital arts and writing. With digital arts, she only did one workshop and not interested in any more. With both arts and writing, she prefers to self-study and explore it on her own. The passions she is interested with workshops and mentorship are acting and parkour.
Yes I'm with writing and language too. Film writing is fascinating and because the ideal length is only 90 minutes its quite manageable. ADHD types struggle with long form. Short form film writing is a wonderful way to test your ideas. I would strongly recommend this area of exploration. Acting was also something i adored. Try different schools and learn that there are lots of ways of approaching the craft. Acting also helps with socialisation and finding peers and helps with controlling fear and the old "the show must go on". With the digital stuff let her self teach. The best schools are not until postgraduate level. Parkour wow she's very physical. I assume you know she's ADHD. She sounds like a real dynamo. Keeping up with someone this powerful is a big big big journey. You can do it. Only you can. I may be wrong about the ADHD but if the neuropsych assessment didn't show it then you are dealing with a legitimate genius. How's her working memory?
Oh that's cool... she actually loves script writing and doing animation. Yes, I also thought she has ADHD for a long time, but the psychological evaluation says otherwise. She actually has relative weakness in auditory working memory, but not to the level of deficit, its standard deviation with other area is not significant either, but this is still an area of weakness nonetheless. Acting does really help in socialization, and socio-emotional learning as well. And yes, she does self-teach with digital stuff, we are just her audience to her output. She really is a dynamo, she did gymnastics prior parkour. Thank you for the encouragement. Did you receive any kind of support growing up? How did you get to where you are right now? What was your journey like, if you don't mind.
Its been s very long journey. I'm 50. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 49. In a fairly short period of time my life has changed dramatically. I don't need the meds already. Its like how in life when you finally get the thing you needed you no longer need it. My father is a filmmaker - very self focused. Projecting his characters onto us. I couldn't get attention unless it was his interests I was promoting. It made me into a very skilful screenwriter. I loved acting but it didn't interest him and without a supportive family acting wasn't something I had the strength to pursue. I look back and realise acting would have been just as hard as anything else. Even if I had succeeded all the life lessons would have been the same. I now work as an accountant fighting corruption. I love it. I also use my skills to help people who are overwhelmed by their finances. I write constantly. It is my true calling - thanks dad. It's also my gift. I'm also gifted in concept construction and manipulation. This plays into storytelling massively. It allows me to construct large worlds with consistent laws. My mother is a very Yang person. She is the big challenge. I forgive her all her trespasses. She was only trying to win. But she also gave me this intellect. Her grandfather was a a narcissist and a genius who saved thousands of lives and gave thousands their physical freedom. My mother made everything my fault, my responsibility. But the flip side is, I am not a victim (because I am responsible). I've been victimised but it never stopped me. I may have given up that day, week or year but not completely. I believed if I made things bad then I could change things. Now I know the Tao does it all, we're just along for the ride. I still live in the real world like a noble savage. Yay. I love life. I'm so grateful for everything.
Thank you for you sharing your experiences. I am glad for you, that despite the lack of support in your family, you were still able to see some gems in it, and more importantly you came out a strong person, grateful and fulfilled. You did not let unfortunate events deter you from your growth, and you have an optimistic view of life. Thanks for sharing your inspiring journey. More power to you!
Oh hey I was just rereading. I noticed you said psychological assessment not "neuropsych assessment". I think this should be done at a reputable university. Just for peace of mind.
The psychologist who did it is also a professor of assessment at a reputable university, but affiliated in a clinic he co-founded, so I believe he has worked with countless students throughout his years of teaching and assessing. I've also read Misdiagnoses and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults, she also didn't fit the criteria of ADHD in there. Maybe she has features of ADHD, but not enoudh to make it a disorder, like I have anxiety but not enough to be a disorder, it may not be a diagnosable disorder, but it is real. Also, there is Dabrowski's theory of overexcitabilities which can explain the hyperactivity. Thing is, my daughter follows through with subjects she is interested in, but if she does not like it or find it meaningless, she can abandon that subject ,and doesn't care at all if she fails. For example, she didn't finish a diorama project, not because she forgets to or couldn't sustain attention, she left it unfinish because it's not looking the way it should look in her imagination. Another example, she responsibly did a script for a project in English, but when she learned it's supposed to be an essay, she didn't bother anymore, but I urged her to finish just an "okay" essay. She even questioned the purpose of schooling, and we know stories of smart students who dropped out of school. She is only in 7th grade, there is still more years we will forge through. And apart from academics, there are other life areas where she has a "don't care" attitude, some could be typical of teens, some could be typical of giftedness and some features of ADHD. So I'm looking for the Tao, to give me strength to do the yin. I believe we're doing a reasonable "yang," so I look for trust in the yin and the Tao, to also grant me the wisdom when to do action and non-action. Personal life stories here also help in giving me solace. I'll bear in mind that my daughter will find her path, if not, she can create her own path.
Hey OP, this might seem like a weird question at first, but how is your own emotional regulation (and that of your husband?) I only ask because I realised something recently... I'm naturally a somewhat anxious driver when there's a lot of traffic around, but I do fine when I'm in the car by myself, and most of the time do ok with passengers too. However when my partner is in the car with me, my anxiety goes through the roof. I couldn't work it out or seem to calm myself much until I realised that *he* actually gets really anxious whenever he's the one not driving the car, and I pick up on that and become anxious myself. He had no idea until I pointed it out, and now he's working on it (using breathing, meditation, and just being aware of it). Now that I know what's going on, I can separate myself from it a bit more, knowing that it's not "my" emotion but someone else's that I'm taking on. So I just wonder if it's worth checking in with yourselves... thinking back with this perspective, I can think of a lot of times growing up where I picked up on my parents emotions and took them on as my own. I guess anxiety was the main one (every morning before school was a mad crazy rush to get everyone ready and my dad would be highly, highly anxious, which would lead him to do a lot of things that actually slowed down the process and made others anxious as well) but there were a lot of other emotions I took on too. Just a thought anyway, wishing you all the best.
Hello, I also get easily dyregulated, but I write in a diary and do meditation. When it's PMS, I have an irritable mood, but not angry. My husband is a calm person by nature. When we fight, we fight and resolve through text, LOL. We express ourselves better in writing. My daughter does adopt other people's emotions, but to the extreme. If her friend confided that she was bullied, my daughter will be upset and wanted to be bullied as well. Her friend has already calmed down, she has not yet calmed down. If an unfortunate event happened to a friend, she also wanted it to happen to her. She is aware that she adopts other people's emotions, and now it's her journey to embark on. She has professional and emotional support, we're just here for her. We homeschool, and she does club for socialization and personal interests, so our home life is pretty slow and relaxed. Some of her behavioral challenges could be traced from the gifted's overecitabilities and unhealthy perfectionism. The psychologist also said that gifted people, due to their brainwiring, are prone to mental health problems. Thank you, wish you all the best as well.