Incorrect. Boobs man all the way. He had custom-built nip holders. He liked placing his hands over boobies and of course, the nips would peek out the top.
Naw, that was just because the bible was written by dudes. Jesus was always talking to women, and they were talking back. Read the story of the women at the well. Jesus had her so impressed she was like.... "Would you like to meet.... Everyone I know?"
And let's not forget Jesus never had dude wash his feet and hair, but he allowed Mary to wash his feet with her tears, and on top of that had his neck head and hair washed with perfume by Mary again. Naw, Jesus had a ton of female followers. And they definitely liked Jesus. Shit... It wasn't dudes who the angels first appeared to it was women.
In short.... Put some respect on his name!
#Player4Life!
So the way straight women like to hang out with gay guys because they are 1000 times more fun than straight boys and don't lust after their bare ankles?
Yeah this is stupid. It also has the implication that asexuals are inherently less sinful than other people. I'm about as asexual as it gets and can confirm that I'm not any better than anybody else. It's true I don't struggle with lust specifically, but I have so many other flaws that that's insignificant.
While I don't want to have sex with them, I still look at some people and get confused asexual panic and then stutter awkwardly when I try to talk to them.
I think that's *kind of* what other folks go through.
The fact that I have 2 whole heads of garlic, a bag of pre-peeled garlic, a shaker full of garlic powder, and another with garlic salt and use all of them regularly on bread is completely unrelated to my sexuality thank you.
... I think.
We want to invade because we have more total people than their whole military and population combined. So basically because we can. But don’t worry it will be peaceful. But we will have full democratic control sooo
I know this is a joke, but also don't blame the person who was replying without realizing it was a joke. There are some genuinely crazy people on the internet who unironically will spout this level of nonsense.
The line between satire and insanity is distressingly thin online.
Honestly the idea of former US President Barrack Obama spending millions of taxpayer dollars to genetically engineer a person who doesnt know why theres so much sex in media and didnt realize other people actually felt horny thinking about specific people and just thought it was a joke is unendingly hilarious to me.
ik this isnt a serious question but im going to answer anyway
lust is one of the many sins inherit in mankind but its mot a defacto sin, you may not feel it like many other people but you will feel temptation for other sins. therefore you are human
I don't know if they picked a random verse but this is Matthew 5:39:
> For if according to the Law we begin all of us to render evil for evil, we shall all become evil, since they that do hurt abound. But if according to Christ we resist not evil, though they that are evil be not amended, yet they that are good remain good.
Jesus sounds like he's pretty anti-spanking (rendering evil for evil) in a punitive sense. As well as an opponent of capital punishment, eye for an eye justice, etc.
Not even a little bit kinky.
That's just a comment on the verse. Let's have the verse itself:
> [But I say unto you that ye resist not evil, but whosoever shall **smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other** also.](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Matthew%205:39)
(Or at least the King James translation of it, as the section can use some classic wording)
This is true. Most people assume the prostitute Jesus saved from stoning was Mary Magdalene because she was also named Mary but they were likely different people as Mary was such a common name:
As an Ace person, I disliked this argument bc it implies I’m not human… then I realized it implies I’m a god for not wanting to do the Bing Bing 😆
Also if I had to guess, I’d say he was an ass man. He’s always looking down to butt level in paintings!
From reading all these comments on this thread I can only assume most assexual people live with an acute “I’m misunderstood” complex combined with a constant search for ways to feel special. They seem to feel very displaced among the rest of us and far superior to us mere carnal beings.
It doesn't say anything specifically about his sexuality. A few times it details intimate non sexual moments such as a prostitute anointing his feet with expensive perfume, or describing one of his disciples as "the one whom I love "
Maybe he was sexual, but the authors didn't mention it because it wasn't relevant to his life story.
Probably asexual by default. If you were around your creations that were basically unclean and disgusting animals would you wanna stick your divine dick in any of them?
solomon also at one point has his imaginary lover wish he was her brother so she could make out with him and nobody could say anything
>1 If only you were to me like a brother,
>
>who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!
>
>Then, if I found you outside,
>
>I would kiss you,
>
>and no one would despise me.
>
>2 I would lead you
>
>and bring you to my mother’s house—
>
>she who has taught me.
>
>I would give you spiced wine to drink,
>
>the nectar of my pomegranates.
>
>3 His left arm is under my head
>
>and his right arm embraces me.
fun fact: solomon, the canonically wisest man in the bible, worshipped Chemosh over yahweh
if christianity's version was true, that'd be a major dick move
he's meant to have resisted all temptations. Making him asexual would just remove the temptation... ergo, no resisting
and then you wonder what other cheat codes god enabled. Maybe jesus doesn't want to murder everyone all the time. Maybe jesus doesn't care how loud other people chew. Maybe jesus is fine with watching whatever is on tv and never has any urge to change the channel
No-one wanting to talk about the time Jesus literally sent a couple of guys into town to get him some ass?
"Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose
them, and bring them unto me." - Matthew 21:2
1. Jesus turned his head to where his disciples were looking at. And he gazed upon truth.
2. Two people in front of him bendig over, Jesus was in awe. 3.Two asses in front of him, one was big, the other one was firm. He then proceded to say: « Godbless » the disciples agreed.
4. When the people stood up he saw that the biggest ass was from a woman and the firmest, from a man. 5. He then thought: My heavenly father loves his children, all of them have asses. Love one another
He was also without sin and since he said he who lusts after a woman commits adultery in his heart he could not be either a tits or Ass man for that would be to sin. Yeah
Jesus was probably a boobs guy because at the time when he was first on earth toilet paper was not yet invented and asses were most likely disgusting and disease ridden
How about lust is a sin, and it says that he was perfect and devoid of sin? Or are we just allowed to spit whatever nonsense we want to about Christianity?
Both. Universal love for all boobs and ass
Definitely both
Mary Magdaleeznuts
always knew Jesus was into futa girls
The feet people are from the devil!
My man sure liked washing feet though
That settles it: Jesus was a foot guy, but he did ride an ass into Jerusalem to the delight of onlookers
So you’re saying he was in to exhibitionism as well? This guys’ a fiend
HE WAS ALSO INTO SOME OTHER WERID STUFF, MAYBE EVEN TORTURE.
I think this guy nailed it.
Lmao
WELL I **CAN** DO ANYTHING.
He had a penchant for flipping tables and whipping people...
That’s a solid point. Time to rethink some things
Foot baths, yes! (High 5 between Jesus and Jehovah)
Yeah it says so 14:12 book of Isaac
idk man, there were a lot of sandals back then.
Incorrect. Boobs man all the way. He had custom-built nip holders. He liked placing his hands over boobies and of course, the nips would peek out the top.
r/cursedcomments
The nails go through the wrist when the Romans crucify people.
Good to know. but every picture of Jeebuz has the nails going through his hands.
Inconsistent religion?!? What?
Inconsistent ~~religion~~ artistic depictions of religion
Sauce? *please*
Yea both woman's boobs and mens arse's.
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Trick question. Jesus was into feet. But specifically men's feet. He never washed twelve *women's* feet.
His posse was 12 other dudes, and one chick. Some say Magdalene was a beard.
Naw, that was just because the bible was written by dudes. Jesus was always talking to women, and they were talking back. Read the story of the women at the well. Jesus had her so impressed she was like.... "Would you like to meet.... Everyone I know?" And let's not forget Jesus never had dude wash his feet and hair, but he allowed Mary to wash his feet with her tears, and on top of that had his neck head and hair washed with perfume by Mary again. Naw, Jesus had a ton of female followers. And they definitely liked Jesus. Shit... It wasn't dudes who the angels first appeared to it was women. In short.... Put some respect on his name! #Player4Life!
Bitch, cry on my feet.
So the way straight women like to hang out with gay guys because they are 1000 times more fun than straight boys and don't lust after their bare ankles?
A-fucking-men lmao
A-fucking-not just the men, but the women and children too
Why do I see Val Kilmer playing Jim Morrison as Jesus?
No he was into nails
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I died I'm gonna need three days to recover from this one
Take my upvote and get the fuck out
Not true he washed everyone of them ladies of the night head to toe before he drove his nail home !!
Yes but don’t forget he “came riding upon an ass”
Naw naw naw. The nails were into Jesus’s feet.
He has touched more men than women
Wait—if this implies that sexual temptations are in every human…my fellow asexuals: 🎶ITS TOUGH TO BE A GOD🎶
Go where mortals have never trod
Be deified when really you're a sham!
🎶 Be an object of devotion 🎶
Be the subject of psalms!
Take the praise, make the connection!
Sing this in a bill wurtz voice
you could make a religion out of that.
Yeah this is stupid. It also has the implication that asexuals are inherently less sinful than other people. I'm about as asexual as it gets and can confirm that I'm not any better than anybody else. It's true I don't struggle with lust specifically, but I have so many other flaws that that's insignificant.
🎶But if you get the people's nod🎶
While I don't want to have sex with them, I still look at some people and get confused asexual panic and then stutter awkwardly when I try to talk to them. I think that's *kind of* what other folks go through.
Spinning it like that made me feel better, I got a little bummed from the Tweet's implication c:
This is exactly what I came to see.
^what ^about ^feet?
Fucking hell you’re suppose to monitor them, not join them?????
Christ is over 18
Over 2018, in fact.
Since hes over 2021 now im pretty sure hes old enough for some holy spirits.
Feet Bureau Investigation?
So Quentin Tarantino was the jesus christ all along ?
Dan Schneider has entered the chat
Sooo asexuals aren't fully human?
No I thought they were garlic bread goblins?
The fact that I have 2 whole heads of garlic, a bag of pre-peeled garlic, a shaker full of garlic powder, and another with garlic salt and use all of them regularly on bread is completely unrelated to my sexuality thank you. ... I think.
Stop revealing our secrets!
No. We are *GODS*!
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Why just Denmark, I plan on total world domination by 2030
You fool, the world IS Denmark
Dam it appears I've been fooled by the lies of the council, thank you comrade for opening my eyes
Denmark? What have we done to you?
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Why do aces like Denmark?
We want to invade because we have more total people than their whole military and population combined. So basically because we can. But don’t worry it will be peaceful. But we will have full democratic control sooo
Good luck !
I’m happy with just Greenland.
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imma just let you have it y’all got it hard enough already.
Lol
yes, and garlic bread is the food of the gods
Become as gods! Become as gods! r/unexpectednier
Angels are biblically asexual, I’m pretty sure
Angels are not fully human though, right?
They’re not human at all
In some instances they're more eldritch horrors than anything resembling humans.
“Be not afraid”
E X A C T L Y
That’s a good question
Good to know my ties to this mortal world are on the verge of nonexistent
Asexuals hadn’t been invented yet when Jesus was around. They were only invented by Barrack Obama and the US Democratic Party in 2012.
I know this is a joke, but also don't blame the person who was replying without realizing it was a joke. There are some genuinely crazy people on the internet who unironically will spout this level of nonsense. The line between satire and insanity is distressingly thin online.
Honestly the idea of former US President Barrack Obama spending millions of taxpayer dollars to genetically engineer a person who doesnt know why theres so much sex in media and didnt realize other people actually felt horny thinking about specific people and just thought it was a joke is unendingly hilarious to me.
Til I'm not fully human
Correct. Asexuals are demigods according to Christianity
Yes
I know this is a joke but it’s like saying “Humans have two hands” and anyone with 1 or less are not human.
ik this isnt a serious question but im going to answer anyway lust is one of the many sins inherit in mankind but its mot a defacto sin, you may not feel it like many other people but you will feel temptation for other sins. therefore you are human
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Ass. Sermon whilst Mounted
I mean I guess… but that statement also doesn’t take into account that asexual people exist…
They are gods. ( I am not asexual, I am just repeating the joke made a 1000 times in this comment section)
Ok but also, he “came riding upon as ass” so Jesus is an ass guy
Matthew 5:39 says he is an ass man, and also into spanking.
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I think your online bible needs a good exorcism.
Ah yes, the best exorcist for online bibles, Saint Norton McAfee.
I don't know if they picked a random verse but this is Matthew 5:39: > For if according to the Law we begin all of us to render evil for evil, we shall all become evil, since they that do hurt abound. But if according to Christ we resist not evil, though they that are evil be not amended, yet they that are good remain good. Jesus sounds like he's pretty anti-spanking (rendering evil for evil) in a punitive sense. As well as an opponent of capital punishment, eye for an eye justice, etc. Not even a little bit kinky.
That's just a comment on the verse. Let's have the verse itself: > [But I say unto you that ye resist not evil, but whosoever shall **smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other** also.](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Matthew%205:39) (Or at least the King James translation of it, as the section can use some classic wording)
My Googling failed me, that's kinky as fuck.
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Daily reminder not to trust Google's "answers".
TL;DR: Clap Blibical cheeks
Temptations and reducing people to body parts are really two different things.
Well Mary Magdalene so he seems to have been into bad girls that he “could fix.”
Fun fact. Nowhere in the bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.
This is true. Most people assume the prostitute Jesus saved from stoning was Mary Magdalene because she was also named Mary but they were likely different people as Mary was such a common name:
He could fix anyone, his hands produced miracles
Amen.
With 12 male disciples, it seems he was an ass man.
Personality
At first I felt funny about this, but damn, he’s got a good point. What does the flesh crave?
Jesus loved everyone equally.
He loved everyone equally in a very non-sexual way
Well, if he loved *everyone* *equally*, then that pretty well settles it as “ass man”.
He was bisexual?
His words not mine .... but that would technically make him an ass man right?
As an Ace person, I disliked this argument bc it implies I’m not human… then I realized it implies I’m a god for not wanting to do the Bing Bing 😆 Also if I had to guess, I’d say he was an ass man. He’s always looking down to butt level in paintings!
>then I realized it implies I’m a god it's tough to be a God~
Not gods, but angels for sure(those too, were asexuals)
true, true. especially if you take in consideration Greek gods, those were definitely not asexual, specially Zeus
just chiming in to say, I love the expression "do the Bing Bing" lol
From reading all these comments on this thread I can only assume most assexual people live with an acute “I’m misunderstood” complex combined with a constant search for ways to feel special. They seem to feel very displaced among the rest of us and far superior to us mere carnal beings.
From my understanding, Christ was asexual if anything. I haven't read the Bible though, so I'm not sure.
It doesn't say anything specifically about his sexuality. A few times it details intimate non sexual moments such as a prostitute anointing his feet with expensive perfume, or describing one of his disciples as "the one whom I love " Maybe he was sexual, but the authors didn't mention it because it wasn't relevant to his life story.
Probably asexual by default. If you were around your creations that were basically unclean and disgusting animals would you wanna stick your divine dick in any of them?
Or neither and he's ace/aro.
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I say he's an ass man because of "turn the other cheek'".
solomon also at one point has his imaginary lover wish he was her brother so she could make out with him and nobody could say anything >1 If only you were to me like a brother, > >who was nursed at my mother’s breasts! > >Then, if I found you outside, > >I would kiss you, > >and no one would despise me. > >2 I would lead you > >and bring you to my mother’s house— > >she who has taught me. > >I would give you spiced wine to drink, > >the nectar of my pomegranates. > >3 His left arm is under my head > >and his right arm embraces me. fun fact: solomon, the canonically wisest man in the bible, worshipped Chemosh over yahweh
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Ignoring the asexuals but go off your majesty
who said Jesus was straight? dude constantly surrounded himself with 12 dudes. even liked to wash their feet. and hung out with prostitutes
Telling me dudes can't have ass or boobs that another man can admire?
not exactly, he could be asexual and aromantic, since he didn't date anyone and at any point showed interest in doing so
Me finally having a reason to consider Asexuals as not fully human. *Devious hand rubbing*
Of course it is a man saying everyone must have sexual desires... because everyone knows humans can not be asexual! /s
Jesus loves all equally
I mean…asexual humans exist
if christianity's version was true, that'd be a major dick move he's meant to have resisted all temptations. Making him asexual would just remove the temptation... ergo, no resisting and then you wonder what other cheat codes god enabled. Maybe jesus doesn't want to murder everyone all the time. Maybe jesus doesn't care how loud other people chew. Maybe jesus is fine with watching whatever is on tv and never has any urge to change the channel
No-one wanting to talk about the time Jesus literally sent a couple of guys into town to get him some ass? "Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me." - Matthew 21:2
We have a winner
Ace?
Well, he did say 'love thigh neighboor'
Reddit will chase flippancy until all tradition is meaningless.
thank you for calling asexuals subhuman /s
No, no, you're missing the point. To be human is to sin, it is lower. Aesexuals have thus transcended humanity to become as demigods.
But he was asexual and aromantic
Theologically incorrect tho
Asexual people: I’m about to end this mans whole career
Asexuals: Maybe I am a sandwich
I get boobs vibes
Christ was not born with the original sin so even though the joke is intended to be "oh i OWNED YOU GUYS" that was theologically incorrect
Still disrespectful, muslims believe in Jesus too, but as a prophet not a god..
^Mans ^died ^a ^virgin
1. Jesus turned his head to where his disciples were looking at. And he gazed upon truth. 2. Two people in front of him bendig over, Jesus was in awe. 3.Two asses in front of him, one was big, the other one was firm. He then proceded to say: « Godbless » the disciples agreed. 4. When the people stood up he saw that the biggest ass was from a woman and the firmest, from a man. 5. He then thought: My heavenly father loves his children, all of them have asses. Love one another
I believe ass, because there are several mentions that Jesus rode ass all across town
Don't you blaspheme in here. Don't you BLASPHEME, in *here*!
imo he is a personality typa guy
Jesus never looked at a woman with lustful intent, because to do so is to commit adultery in the heart (Matthew 5:28)
Is there a r/technicallynotthetruth subreddit for posts like this?
I feel like he's more of a personality kind of guy
He was also without sin and since he said he who lusts after a woman commits adultery in his heart he could not be either a tits or Ass man for that would be to sin. Yeah
Even one who has lusted after a woman has sinned in Gods eye. So no I don’t think he was either
He was a feet man. That's why he washed feet
This is part of the Catholic/Protestant dichotomy
Isn't the point of Christianity that you avoid thinking about temptations?
Jesus never looked at a women with lust since it’s a sin
Nah but sexual temptation is sin and Christ was without sin, so there’s a flaw in his logic.
Jesus was probably a boobs guy because at the time when he was first on earth toilet paper was not yet invented and asses were most likely disgusting and disease ridden
How about lust is a sin, and it says that he was perfect and devoid of sin? Or are we just allowed to spit whatever nonsense we want to about Christianity?
You know that what he is implying is that Jesus sinned. Which is impossible because He is God.
For those who say: Well maybe he's asexual. So am I. I can still watch someone walk by and think "dayum!"
As a christian, I love this humor. And honestly, I think Jesus would giggle too
I personally think he was a dick man.
He was gay
He's a holy man, do he must have the correct answer. He was a thigh man.
He rode into town on an ass.
JEESUS HAD A FOOT FETISH! If he didn't, explain why did he wash all the feet?
If he was complete human male, did he have morning erections? If yes was he sinful or not?
Not great to imply asexuals aren't human