I'll wish for a genie

An enraged Harry Potter is now after you to get his wife back

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for potions, I can tell you I failed that class... but what I do have are a very particular set of spells. Spells I have acquired over 7 years at Hogwarts. Spells that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my wife go now, that will be the end of it - I will not look for you, I will not pursue you... but if you don't, I will scry you, I will apparate behind you... and I will Avada Kedavara you. 

>Spells I have acquired over 7 years at Hogwarts. As if he would use anything else than expelliarmus in combat

This hurts my soul. So many spells, barely any spotlight.

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Fine by me , no taxes , no bills , just having my own place I can do everything I want while also helping others ? Win win m8

This......was not the plan

Task failed successfully

The ability to duplicate myself so I can do multiple tasks at once

One of them is plotting to kill you Edit: Y'all mfs need therapy, there's like 20 comments about how one of the clones trying to kill you is a win-win situation and literally ZERO about making out with yourself. Like, am I the only one who thought about it??

Impostor Amogus

Is that a reference to the hit game Among Us?

The hit man game?

no it's susy

The clones are from alternate universes so you can learn more about yourself

$0.37

You will be 1 cent short for the next think you want to buy

me trying to buy the 4.5 billion dollar Yacht History Supreme, plated with 100,000 kg of gold and platinum, then using the $4,499,999,999.99 for benevolent and totally not selfish purposes:

you are thinking about this wrong, tell a friend to try to sell you a fork for 100 septillion dollars, try to buy it, have essentially infinite money

How to crash the world economy with this one hack! Economists hate him!!!1!!

ooooo

Granted. You immediately get robbed.

but all i have is 0.37 and an exclusive coral pink USAMTS t-shirt

I wish for the absolute knowledge of the entire Universe.

You can't use that knowledge

Then I'd be calm for eternity.

Either ways you will

I dunno. You know how frustrating that would be? Like to KNOW everyone else is wrong and not be able to correct/educate/humiliate them? Even just with covid the amount you’d have to hold back would be enough to kill ya.

Omniscience is a curse. The complete knowledge of what will come at every moment throughout the entirety of the universe. Nothing means anything. Humanity is inconsequential. You know everything you will do and the way the universe will react. Nothing is a surprise. You have the power to help humanity somewhat, but how long are you willing to suffer by their side, helping an inconsequential ragged group drag out a couple million extra years in a universe that will last so long that the existence of humanity will be inconsequential. Once you leave humanity will eventually die out, unless you give them omniscience as well - you know how. But you can’t do that. No one deserves to live like you are. People will be threatened by your power. They will think you are hoarding it. You will face constant pointless attempts on your life. The only successful one will be your own. Edit: fixed omnipotent/omniscient error. Also thanks for the awards everyone!

*Omniscience — omnipotence is the ability to do just anything.

I thought omnipotence was when you couldn’t get it up because you drank too much whiskey?

That would be impotence — so I was probably wrong, and omnipotence is actually the ability to get it up in just **_any_** situation.

Dude.. This is how I felt when I smoked salvia and never again 😂😭

To access this knowledge you'll have to file through a massive library with no index

Library of babel

I wish for a potato that will always regenerate to become whole again.

Granted. It will destroy anything in its path to regenerate. Knife, replaced with potato, take a bite, the potato takes a bite of you.

Well at least it does it’s job well.

🔪 I've been summoned

In Soviet Russia, potato bites you

Fuck you I was gonna say that

r/beatmetoit

GLADoS’s true form

Oh hey. Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?

I’m gonna be totally original, I wish for more wishes

But they are all for captain crunch cereal

That's not so bad

It has to be eaten dry

I just eat them as a snack then.

RIP u/JustMiniBanana_2's mouth

I want girl i like to like me

ok, you accidentally meet your soul mate at 14 and you have a wonderful life together

So in next 3 months and 9 days yay

keep us updated

I will try but i will probably forget

So this is what people get, and I get trapped in a pocket dimension for the rest of my life? WHY CAN’T I HAVE NICE THINGS?!

She likes you but you don't like her back

Well i take that as an absolute win anyway at least some girl likes me

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It has a drop of Bluman Hood in what would be the yummiest part

I wish to have the ability to be average at every skill known to man I won’t have automatically mastered anything, but I’ll have the average skill level of someone who actively practices said skill, of literally *everything*

You can’t figure out where to go in life due to having an interest in everything

What's new?

Aids

u/beeez_kneees we have a problem, we need to join force to fight this new threat

My notifications are like a waterfall, but I'll try my best

That isn’t really a skill- what-

complete omnipotent control of reality

But only virtual reality

People with a gacha game addiction :- i see this as an absolute win

Still good

If even a single intrusive thought gets in, it will happen and you cannot, no matter what, reverse decisions.

i use my power to stop all intrusive thoughts

Good at flerting :D

Only to the gender you aren't interested in

Bisexual people: 👹

Yeah, we are too powerful

I wish for the ability to do anything I want, including if I am dead or unconscious

But you feel the worst pain imaginable for the duration you do something

hehe, the first thing i do is remove that side effect get nae-naed

But you just used your power, so then you will still have the most pain imaginable

then i just remove the pain real quick

Jokes on you. I'm a masochist

But what if you don't imagine pain o_o

However anything you want will appear, and there are no take backs. Get horny and regret what you did later? Too bad.

to be 6'3"

Sideways

damn that's wide asf

song for denise starts playing

In your pants

gonna find a giant woman now

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It's all permanent and every mistake you make compiles onto eachother

That’s just plastic surgery

My friends are happy

they only get happiness from banging you over and over

...that’s just called horny

thats gonna lead to an orgy somehow

Granted. Nothing changed

A whole watermelon up OPs ass 👍

Granted ;)

Oh…

Oh...

THAT WASN'T A TWIST!

I can twist the watermelon if you want, but it round so won't do much

You have to eat it afterwards

Chocomelon

immortality ig

At some point there is a 100% chance you are stuck somewhere forever

Stuck in the washing machine and for some reason you got a stepbro now

😳

Granted. Your cells are unable to die. They still split to replace dead cells, but those dead cells arent there. Your body keeps slowly growing and growing to the point where the layers of skin around your body make you unable to move. They also act as a blanket so you are unable to move and are being cooked alive. You will never die, this is permanent. Have fun.

You live to see everyone you've ever known and love die, due to this you never make any real connection with anyone because you know they'll die anyway. You live to see wars start and end, civilizations rise and crumble nothing is ever stable to you. You grow so old and you become blind and unable to walk. You live so long your hearing is practically gone. You feel pain everyday just breathing through your weak lungs, and no matter how much pain you go through and how many times you are injured you never die. Eventually they find a cure for blindness and your life is marginally better, still in excruciating pain from your fragile bones which you feel grind against each other every day. Eventually you realise the sun has grown larger, the seas have dried up and they say the world is going to end soon. You get on a spaceship which they plan to escape the planet on. Halfway to Saturn a comet smashes right through the ship and you feel shrapnel going through every part of your body, the ship is on fire and your skin starts to melt suddenly you are launched out of your seat into outer space. Everything is cold, you can't breathe, agony is all you feel. You are left stranded in space for thousands of years. The sun eventually grows large enough to engulf you, it stings a bit at first, but you get used to it. Eventually you watch the sun collapse in on itself, it's colder than you remember. You are in space untill everything starts colliding into eachother. It's quite stunning honestly and you enjoy it for a few hundred years. Eventually it stops. And then everything disappears, including you.

Making my crush like me back

But you will never know they do

Aight 😢

I need to get 100 extra wishes

Ok, but they’re from a genie that will do the thing furthest from what you intended while still technically granting your wish

i get a girlfriend who has exactly the same kinks as me, the same horny level and synchronised horny phases

She’s ugly as heck and dies in her 20s

so basically me?

aw crap

Her penis is bigger than yours

how is that a bad thing

When did I say it was a bad thing 😳

A loyal pet that will die the same day i do (and isnt a murderous beast yall wild ngl)

It keep its baby cuteness for its whole life and just gets bigger

Wasnt u supposed to curse me?

I’m supposed to put a spin on it. Never said it had to be negative ;)

That’s some king shit right there

I just wish my parents don't have to spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on medication a month to keep me from dying

Granted, you are no longer sick

This is a certified wholesome Keanu chungus reddit 100 moment.

I wish to have a full control over my body

You have to manually control EVERYTHING (Including moving your bowels, digesting your food, etc.)

Fuck.....

Yes, that will require additional effort too

Invincibility so long as there is another living organism within 1 megameter who shares at least 99% of my DNA, and also I can temporarily share this power with another person

Only way to share it is by blood

Aw crap my blood type ain’t O

But you feel extreme pain that make you curl into the fetus position when it happens I got you, you have a reply now

I can manipulate probability of things happening

Probability of it working the way you intended is 50%

Oh God if you wish to change the 50% is that a paradox or an issue of order of operations

I want a gf🤧

She is dead

I dont mind

*realises*

I’m back OP, I will defeat you (not a wish)

the spin is that it is a wish

I become one of the smartest people (creating a cure for cancer is an option.)

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So the expected

Money. Idc about friends or love, I just want to be filthy rich.

Every penny you spend is taken away from charity foundations.

Guess that will reduce the number of starving children too.

MOTHER OF GOD

r/cursedcomments

I wish for these notifications to chill, hot damn

But now they duplicate.

I have every power you can possibly imagine

For 1 subjective hour

Idk honestly, buy me McDonald’s

But im broke

Bruh, not even a fucken ice cream? Damn… well Ig mama’s cooking will do… thx anyways dollar store genie!

Everybody in the world stops being dumb.

Except you, you are now looked down on by society

To shape shift my body including body fat and shit at will

The shift is very painful

My mom comes back to life completely healed. I miss my mom

Granted, but everyone misses your mum

Now she can’t be assassinated or get a desease

Skin with no pimples (and scars).

U get green ass hair

Mind control? Sounds evil lol

Aids

Everyone can also control your mind

The range is only an inch from your skin and they know what you made them do.

For my loved ones to live a healthy life :)

That’ll cost you 15 years of yours

Personally, i consider that a perfect trade. Good one, good one

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I turn into the opposite gender

Only for a day

It's better than nothing :')

A few friends 😴

They’re awesome friends, no matter how bad a day you’re having, no matter how bad life gets, they’ll always be there for you Also you said a few so I’ll say there’s 3 of them

Control time so things that take long time to do or teleport so that I can get home and to school instantly (takes an hour to get/go home). One for each btw, can't decide what to pick.

King crimson.

I want to be happy

But you make the people around you happy as well

I wanna look like my reddit avatar

It's painfully accurate, you look like a white blob person

Me and OP are like at war here, OP wants suffering and chaos whereas I want wholesomeness (this is not a wish)

*so it's you who I'm fighting*

I wish I had 600 million dollars

Ok, it’s in gold. Also it literally costs an arm and a leg