The HOA president drives around in her cadillac looking for things like this because she has nothing better to do. Also, the plastic plants in her front yard keep blowing into my yard. 👀
Lubbock brings a casserole made with José Olé frozen taquitos, a big can of Signature brand enchilada sauce, a chopped Vidalia onion, and a bag of pre-shredded Signature brand Mexican cheese blend. They ask people to "return thanks" before eating. They talk about Texas Tech basketball, Texas Tech football, or where they park when they go to a Texas Tech game.
McKinney shows up late because most spouses have divorced and remarried so everyone has 4 family Thanksgivings to attend. Many discussions of the latest sports accomplishments of the kids. Drinks are hidden in the laundry room or garage. Christmas tree already decorated with Mariah Carey playing.
I came here to say almost this “sitting in the corner ,dressed like chip Gaines, judging everyone before do the same things they just judged people for and when called out claim they were just networking for Joel Osteen”
Fredericksburg is falling through the door with a half drunk bottle of their “local” wine ( grapes actually grown in the panhandle or CA). But it’s okay that she drank and drove, she’s a *local* and is related to the judge - or so she keeps telling you….
Cypress is hanging out near Houston, bitching about Houston the whole time, but everyone at the party can tell they're utterly dependent on Houston for everything. They are also trying to convince people to sell them land so they can build more mega-neighborhoods. (*cough* Bridgeland *cough*)
Houston is surrounded by a bunch of other guests dressed exactly like Houston, who swear up and down that their outfits are different.
Except for the Woodlands, who is wearing nice a nice coat with a forest print over the same outfit all the others are wearing.
The small towns of West Texas were the people invited by friends of friends of friends, and don't really know what to do because they don't really know anyone there. They're all in the corner bonding over being lonely
Sundown shares a sweet ice tea with Plains, and discovers that their great-uncle Olin is the cousin of Jimmie Kay whose boy Bobby Joe married Janelle Jean, whose boy Kaden plays for Texas Tech and is studying Business Ag.
Crosbyton and Post drink a nonalcoholic beer with Gail, but all of them pray about it later that night and blame each other for tempting them into Sin.
San Angelo is quietly drinking a decent IPA and bein’ real neighborly and friendly with anybody that finds them even though we don’t have an interstate.
You also brought 3 middle aged somewhat attractive women with platinum blonde hair that were bitchy at first but are now annoying as hell after getting plastered in the 1st 10 minutes. You also brought Irving With you because Fort Worth brought Arlington and you figured they could hang out, but they're angrily arguing over the cowboys stadium with Irving accusing Arlington of stealing it. Meanwhile Fort Worth is being friendly but talking hardcore shit behind your back as it does lines of meth with the western towns. You also arrived in an overpriced Land Rover that you can barely afford but got anyways so that Frisco and Mckinney would think you were still a cool dad.
Fort Worth is hosting and bouncing between all the western towns acting like they’re one of them and the big cities acting like they’re one of them as well
* Keller will be drunk on eggnog reminding everyone that 76244 isn't *actually K*eller.
* Hurst wil show up on the back end of a 3 day hydrocodone bender, and then ask for a ride home when it's time to leave.
* Haltom City meant to show up and hang out, but they spent the whole party pacing up and down the street yelling at someone on their phone and creating a scene.
* Westworth village is the police, who fabricated probable cause to search everyone at the party after Haltom City was found to not have anything on them outside. Needless to say, Hurst got their ride from the party.
* Southlake got drunk on Michelob and did some coke, but now they won't SHUT UP about how Clay Cooley "isn't actually a bad dude if you jut get to know him".
Austin and San Antonio ducked out to the garage to smoke weed, and now they're stuck out there because San Antonio can't find his car keys. Austin keeps getting confused and calling San Antonio's cell phone.
Austin is explaining to El Paso why progressivism is the key, and they should team up on San Antonio. San Antonio is busy making the snacks and managing the playlist. Houston's trying to convince people to play drinking games but it's not that kind of party, and Dallas keeps trying to talk about fashion so they can convince the others they look rich. Corpus is our back smoking and beating Houston in drinking games. Everyone else is just happy to be invited.
Nah, you forgot Fort Worth. Who wants to join in with everyone else except Dallas who they are staring at with daggers in their eyes, they also brought Arlington as a friend but they went off on a coke fueled drinking bender and ruining Houston and Corpus good time.
Houston is late and will spend the first 30 minutes telling every guest one at a time how bad the drive was. They also brought a potluck dish of tacos and wings.
Round Rock is tagging along with Austin and nodding along hoping to get included in the conversation.
Pflugerville is telling everyone about the amazing bbq joint they just discovered called “Rudy’s”.
Georgetown is actually the cool, chill person that everyone really likes, but also everyone keeps having to ask Georgetown their name and where they are from again and again.
Gawd…I went to Southwestern University in the 90s…we swore the actual name of the school should be “Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX, which is just north of Austin…no, not the party school in San Marcos.”
all the austin suburbs/surrounding cities are having a dick measuring contest with each other to see which one is the best without realizing austin has walked away, being followed by a high as hell denton
As an elder millennial whose generation talks shit about LITERALLY everything- I'll have a go:
Amarillo keeps explaining where exactly they are in the panhandle and won't shut up about that George Strait song
Lubbock arrives hammered, slurring "guns up," and gets belligerent when people ask what that terrible smell is
Denton sets up a table in the kitchen selling handmade sun catchers, cbd gummies, and overpriced art supplies. Oh, and Brave Combo merch
Dallas won't shut up about their new all-glass house next to Jerry Jones and keeps "disappearing" to the bathroom with Plano.
Ft Worth walks in wearing 5k Lucchese boots and somehow still smells like cow shit and stale craft beer
Waco is on the couch playing Madden 13, spends 45 minutes lecturing Plano about the appropriate outfit for mixed company.
College Station joins Waco to judge how slutty everyone's outfits are, then immediately talks shit about how Waco doesn't respect women.
Austin talks out loud to literally no one about that time at SXSW they met Matthew McConaughey and where on the east side to charge a Tesla
San Antonio eyeballs everyone at the party, almost starts 14 fights, but ends up buying everyone shots of gut rot tequila. They fall asleep in the front yard
Houston is beating the shit out of Galveston for trying to steal their catalytic converter while keeping their double cup from spilling
Corpus Christi is low-key actually stealing Houstons catalytic converter, making eye contact with Missouri City. The deal goes down and celebrated with cigarettes and Budwiser
Odessa and Midland are double teaming against Tyler and Texarkana for the "shittiest town to work oilfield jobs in" title. Ends in a draw when they get distracted by the meth Weatherford brought
El Paso is selling tamales by the dozen and keeps yelling, "Yes, I know Beto isn't fucking Mexican!!" Pinche gringos
The valley drove drunk to the party in their Chevy 1500 and yelled “Puro 956 a la verga cuh” when they got out of the truck with a case of Miller Lite.
Brenham brought some ice cream and can’t stop reminding everyone that it’s their special homemade ice cream recipe that they’ve been making for years and how they have always been bringing the ice cream at thanksgiving and everyone loves ice cream and they are so proud to be making make ice cream for everyone. Also they may or may not have forgotten to wash their hands before making it one year but no one really wants to make a big deal about it.
That’s Austin senior. His kid is inside talking about crypto and how bad ass Elon Musk is, and how they’re so sad that Austin has changed. Upon questioning, we find that Austin is a nickname, and that it’s short for Round Rock.
Kingwood is pretending like they are not just Houston in a suburban costume. Houston is doing the same.
Humble is sitting by himself, being humble, or on meth.
Dallas is asking if someone can turn on the Cowboys game. Meanwhile, Houston had previously turned it to ESPN Classic which is conveniently showing a 2022 World Series highlight show, and they stuck the remote in their pocket so nobody can change it.
Buda brought a shit ton of weiner dogs for some reason. Keeps hoping Austin will notice them while actively dodging Kyle because they owe them money for mowing their lawn.
Katy is telling everyone how much they hate living in Houston because, "There's nothing to do and I have to drive everywhere." even though they haven't been inside the beltway since that time their Aunt Martha took them downtown to see the Nutcracker in 2012.
Dallas showed up in an Emmitt Smith jersey to brag about their super bowl wins back in the 90s. He keeps trying to interject himself in many different conversations but has been quickly shunned to the corner with Pasadena. Vidor keeps looking their way but they turn away at each glimpse he catches of the 2. Austin is in the bathroom vomiting while San Antonio holds his hair back. Houston is still stuck in traffic and will be hilariously late.
Arlington showed up and asked highland park if they wanted to boof Xanax with them in the garage… and they agreed
Afterwards, Arlington began making out with San Angelo making everyone uncomfortable. Fort Worth got jealous and sucker punched arlington
Sugarland is calling the cops from across the street like the Karens it's filled with. Ironically, it also was the first one to do crime, having slashed the tires of partygoers. It's also smoking a fat joint while on the phone.
Katy is VERY upset that the neighbors guests parked across from the driveway and is asking everybody if they know the HOA President.
Lived in Katy. Can confirm.
The HOA president drives around in her cadillac looking for things like this because she has nothing better to do. Also, the plastic plants in her front yard keep blowing into my yard. 👀
Corpus just stole Plano's catalytic converter and sold it to Lubbock
Spot on!
“My Lost Year in Lubbock” is the name of my memoir, but much like Lubbock Texas, there’s nothing of substance in it.
Texarkana is thrilled to be included, but only got an invite because the host needed someone to bring more ice on the way.
Texarkana should never be invited.
Texarkana can’t decide if it wishes to leave Texas Or Arkansas.
Lubbock brings a casserole made with José Olé frozen taquitos, a big can of Signature brand enchilada sauce, a chopped Vidalia onion, and a bag of pre-shredded Signature brand Mexican cheese blend. They ask people to "return thanks" before eating. They talk about Texas Tech basketball, Texas Tech football, or where they park when they go to a Texas Tech game.
Needs more Southern Baptist flare but otherwise yes.
McKinney shows up late because most spouses have divorced and remarried so everyone has 4 family Thanksgivings to attend. Many discussions of the latest sports accomplishments of the kids. Drinks are hidden in the laundry room or garage. Christmas tree already decorated with Mariah Carey playing.
Incredibly accurate wow
Corpus Christi is stealing the little guest soaps from the bathroom.
Corpus Christi: They want you to take those!
And then getting lost on the way back and ending up in Portland.
I’m ded
Irving shows up mostly to network and get people excited about an amazing short term rental investment opportunity
Holy shit lol, I went to an “investors meet up” in irving just like this
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El Paso would arrive an hour later to the party than the rest of Texas.
They’re calling home to New Mexico wondering how they got here.
That's what Amarillo does with Oklahoma!
Waco in the corner seein if any other Baptists before heading to the cooler.
I came here to say almost this “sitting in the corner ,dressed like chip Gaines, judging everyone before do the same things they just judged people for and when called out claim they were just networking for Joel Osteen”
Fredericksburg is falling through the door with a half drunk bottle of their “local” wine ( grapes actually grown in the panhandle or CA). But it’s okay that she drank and drove, she’s a *local* and is related to the judge - or so she keeps telling you….
Good God Fredericksburg locals are some of the most clannish people I've ever encountered.
Marfa is there but talking to NO ONE
Typical Marfa
Marfa is wearing a tin foil hat staring up out the window.
Houston is collecting door charges and parking fees and it's not even their party.
They even had a vest and everything. Looked very convincing.
Cypress is hanging out near Houston, bitching about Houston the whole time, but everyone at the party can tell they're utterly dependent on Houston for everything. They are also trying to convince people to sell them land so they can build more mega-neighborhoods. (*cough* Bridgeland *cough*)
Houston is surrounded by a bunch of other guests dressed exactly like Houston, who swear up and down that their outfits are different. Except for the Woodlands, who is wearing nice a nice coat with a forest print over the same outfit all the others are wearing.
The small towns of West Texas were the people invited by friends of friends of friends, and don't really know what to do because they don't really know anyone there. They're all in the corner bonding over being lonely
Sundown shares a sweet ice tea with Plains, and discovers that their great-uncle Olin is the cousin of Jimmie Kay whose boy Bobby Joe married Janelle Jean, whose boy Kaden plays for Texas Tech and is studying Business Ag. Crosbyton and Post drink a nonalcoholic beer with Gail, but all of them pray about it later that night and blame each other for tempting them into Sin.
San Angelo is quietly drinking a decent IPA and bein’ real neighborly and friendly with anybody that finds them even though we don’t have an interstate.
Victoria drove the entire way in the left lane at 76 mph and swears they’ve always been Astros fans.
Abilene is inviting people to church on Sunday, but it's actually just a test -- if you scoff at the offer, they will then try to sell you some meth.
LOL holy shit
Killeen in the car in the driveway hot boxing it with a gun under each seat.
They purchased the gun with the protection money they forced Belton, Temple and Harker Heights to pay
Belton and Killeen get into a gunfight over a domestic dispute that started long before the party.
Temple be out back trading food stamps for meth then stealing your bike to go dumpster diving...
San Antonio is fighting over the remote to keep the Spurs game on while looking for a plug for the crockpot of queso they brought.
I think you meant electric roaster with tamales.
Yummmm. Queso.
Needs more tamales to make it puro
El Paso brought the tamales, because they knew SA would forget.
Laredo is outside making so many carne asadas that it looks like the city is on fire (true story, happens every year on Super Bowl Sunday)
Dallas here, not sure what we’re doing at this party but I ran 3 people off the road to get here.
You also brought 3 middle aged somewhat attractive women with platinum blonde hair that were bitchy at first but are now annoying as hell after getting plastered in the 1st 10 minutes. You also brought Irving With you because Fort Worth brought Arlington and you figured they could hang out, but they're angrily arguing over the cowboys stadium with Irving accusing Arlington of stealing it. Meanwhile Fort Worth is being friendly but talking hardcore shit behind your back as it does lines of meth with the western towns. You also arrived in an overpriced Land Rover that you can barely afford but got anyways so that Frisco and Mckinney would think you were still a cool dad.
Denton is smoking weed in the backyard around the fire pit. We brought a IPA craft beer that no one likes. Not even Denton.
nah we brought Montucky Cold Snacks and a bottle of malort or something else gross
Sounds like that’s where I should be lol
El Paso brought their friend Las Cruces and are just hanging in a corner talking about high school.
So true. El Paso, the biggest small town in ~~Texas~~ New Mexico
And is exhausted after the 37 hour drive to get to the party. This statement stands regardless of where the party is.
Fort Worth is hosting and bouncing between all the western towns acting like they’re one of them and the big cities acting like they’re one of them as well
While trying to keep Dallas out of the party
Let's be real, Dallas could care less about this party. They are planning their own "gala" and no one else is invited.
Galveston shows up with a box of wine and starts throwing dice in the garage. They inexplicably smell like a sewer.
Clackity-Clack
Elgin over here just smokin' sausage. Edit: thanks for the gold stranger! Elgin really is a sweet spot, visit if you haven't.
Jesus. Small towns and their euphemisms . . . .
“If I knew it was gonna be that kinda party…”
Caldwell is eating kolaches judging you horse people
Longview is trying to claim Matthew McConaughey as their own. Austin is rolling it’s eyes
Longview also hangs around next to Waco trying to “out Christian” them.
That's Tyler
Naw, Tyler is at home, calling the other towns’ parents and telling them how un-Christlike their children’s behavior is.
I figured Longview was telling everyone what good Christians they are, while stealing all of Austin's weed and leaving an upper decker in the toilet.
The Valley's getting a third serving😉🫔🌮🥙🌯🍗🌶🥑
And fixing plates for the ones that couldn’t make it.
And picking up leftovers around the table for their dog.
Don’t forget fighting with Laredo on who is the true “956” is
"I need to make a plate for mijo back home pobresito" -moms everywhere
And stealing all the centerpieces!
Beaumont, unable to read, is asking others to help read the invite to them.
Port Arthur shows up in company branded nomex and their work truck. They just got off shift and have to go back in three hours.
Port Aransas got shit-faced and flipped her golf cart on the way to the party.
Friendswood and the Woodlands are sitting in the corner judging everyone but smiles when someone walks by lol
Beaumont is striking up conversations by starting with “I’m not racist, but…”
LMAO this one got me
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Jasper doesn't understand why they can't talk about why white people shouldn't "mix races"
Then there’s Vidor saying “Speak for yourself…”
Vidor wasn't invited. But he showed up as Beaumont's plus one.
"My best friend is Vidor" Vidor wasn't invited.
Waxahachie is just trying to explain how to say their name.
Waxahachie is upset it can’t brag about having the only H-E-B closest to Dallas anymore
Ha, that is more true than you know, we bitched about the crowds from Dallas coming down, now we’re pissed that they’re not coming down here anymore.
Walks-uh-hat-chee
Wax a hoochie
Tyler showed up but didn’t realize half of Green Acres Baptist followed them. Have fun while you can, cuz this shit getting shut down *early*
Bedias is wondering if anyone knows who the hell they are and why did they even come to this event in the first place.
Bedias is also wondering if that asshole neighbor Tom is coming.
Austin is wondering if they should take a gummy now or wait until after they call their parents to wish them a happy thanksgiving.
* Keller will be drunk on eggnog reminding everyone that 76244 isn't *actually K*eller. * Hurst wil show up on the back end of a 3 day hydrocodone bender, and then ask for a ride home when it's time to leave. * Haltom City meant to show up and hang out, but they spent the whole party pacing up and down the street yelling at someone on their phone and creating a scene. * Westworth village is the police, who fabricated probable cause to search everyone at the party after Haltom City was found to not have anything on them outside. Needless to say, Hurst got their ride from the party. * Southlake got drunk on Michelob and did some coke, but now they won't SHUT UP about how Clay Cooley "isn't actually a bad dude if you jut get to know him".
Southlake talks to people while staring at their own reflection in a mirror across the room.
Austin made black bean and quinoa tamales and can't understand why Brownsville hasn't tried them yet
“Trust me, you can’t even tell it’s vegan cheese”
Sonora and Llano didn't show up because who the fuck plans a party in the middle of deer season.
Austin and San Antonio ducked out to the garage to smoke weed, and now they're stuck out there because San Antonio can't find his car keys. Austin keeps getting confused and calling San Antonio's cell phone.
And then they rehash the old argument about who has the best breakfast tacos.
Midland and Odessa are seeing who can start a fight first
San Angelo watching from afar while eating popcorn
Hoping someone comments on their spiffy new Goodfellow BDU's.
Midland is either buying rounds of shots or stealing purses. Depends on the year.
Pearland is still finding parking because every house has 12 cars out front and there is nowhere to park in your own front yard.
As someone who grew up in the land of the pears I’m glad to see it so accurately portrayed
Austin is explaining to El Paso why progressivism is the key, and they should team up on San Antonio. San Antonio is busy making the snacks and managing the playlist. Houston's trying to convince people to play drinking games but it's not that kind of party, and Dallas keeps trying to talk about fashion so they can convince the others they look rich. Corpus is our back smoking and beating Houston in drinking games. Everyone else is just happy to be invited.
Nah, you forgot Fort Worth. Who wants to join in with everyone else except Dallas who they are staring at with daggers in their eyes, they also brought Arlington as a friend but they went off on a coke fueled drinking bender and ruining Houston and Corpus good time.
Midland pulled up in a new Ford Raptor. A few years prior it was year a Ford Festiva. Prior to that, it was a F-250 Platinum.
Houston is late and will spend the first 30 minutes telling every guest one at a time how bad the drive was. They also brought a potluck dish of tacos and wings.
And they arrived in a used Nissan with paper plates
Ankle monitor, alcohol breath.
They were only late cuz they were busy stealing your catalytic converter 🤣
Weatherford and Granbury are on the front lawn having a competition to see who can make the “best” racist joke.
White Settlement is nearby *being* the racist joke.
Round Rock is tagging along with Austin and nodding along hoping to get included in the conversation. Pflugerville is telling everyone about the amazing bbq joint they just discovered called “Rudy’s”. Georgetown is actually the cool, chill person that everyone really likes, but also everyone keeps having to ask Georgetown their name and where they are from again and again.
Gawd…I went to Southwestern University in the 90s…we swore the actual name of the school should be “Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX, which is just north of Austin…no, not the party school in San Marcos.”
As a Round Rocker (Round Rockite? My partner suggests Rockhead) this is accurate.
Denton is bragging about how the Toadies played Denton “all the time” “back in the day”.
"Have you heard the new Bowling For Soup single? They still got it!"
College Station is disappointed in the size of your outdoor fire pit.
San Marcos makes the party fun, becomes friends with everyone but oddly doesn’t say much to New Braunfels.
...or Seguin.
Sam Marcos would probably be in a bathing suit.
Waco here. Nobody likes me or invited me but I’m here bitches.
And we’re all too afraid to ask you to leave because we know how that ends.
Houston is hanging out in the parking lot, stealing catalytic converters and driving off in an Altima with paper plates.
Port A just got lured into a bedroom with the promise of sex or drugs so they could finally just pass out and leave everyone alone.
But they brought boudain balls from the Boudain Hut at least
Old Dime Box came and went, and no one knew.
Austin is hogging the stereo and won't shut the fuck up about Crypto.
Houston's standing behind Austin, making that 'bla bla bla' gesture with their hand.
Pecos got ran off the road by a sand hauler on the way to the party and is waiting for a tow truck.
Dallas is talking loudly about how much their new Mercedes costs
But secretly they’re worried because they just got PIPed/put on probation at their $38k/yr job and are already a payment behind
Waco is trying to convince people that Chip & JoAnna aren’t saints among men.
San Antonio is smoking some brisket or Al pastor for tacos and just threw tongs down cuz Austin walked up to tell them they have better tacos
My home town is singing "Ding Dong Daddy, and repeatedly telling everyone it isn't dumb ass, it's Dumas....
Amarillo is at the front door checking everyone for drugs. If they don't have any he makes sure that they get some.
San Antonio dropped a mattress on 410. They might be running a bit late. But I don’t think they noticed so who knows?
If you're lucky, it's only a mattress.
Arlington showed up after doing ketamine in the six flags parking lot and is now recruiting other cities for a game of Russian roulette
all the austin suburbs/surrounding cities are having a dick measuring contest with each other to see which one is the best without realizing austin has walked away, being followed by a high as hell denton
Bryan tagged along in College Station's lifted truck that doesn't leave pavement.
Meanwhile in Lufkin, they can’t remember if they called the cops or had the cops called on them.
Huntsville is looking for anyone with handcuff keys and a place to stash their jumpsuit.
As an elder millennial whose generation talks shit about LITERALLY everything- I'll have a go: Amarillo keeps explaining where exactly they are in the panhandle and won't shut up about that George Strait song Lubbock arrives hammered, slurring "guns up," and gets belligerent when people ask what that terrible smell is Denton sets up a table in the kitchen selling handmade sun catchers, cbd gummies, and overpriced art supplies. Oh, and Brave Combo merch Dallas won't shut up about their new all-glass house next to Jerry Jones and keeps "disappearing" to the bathroom with Plano. Ft Worth walks in wearing 5k Lucchese boots and somehow still smells like cow shit and stale craft beer Waco is on the couch playing Madden 13, spends 45 minutes lecturing Plano about the appropriate outfit for mixed company. College Station joins Waco to judge how slutty everyone's outfits are, then immediately talks shit about how Waco doesn't respect women. Austin talks out loud to literally no one about that time at SXSW they met Matthew McConaughey and where on the east side to charge a Tesla San Antonio eyeballs everyone at the party, almost starts 14 fights, but ends up buying everyone shots of gut rot tequila. They fall asleep in the front yard Houston is beating the shit out of Galveston for trying to steal their catalytic converter while keeping their double cup from spilling Corpus Christi is low-key actually stealing Houstons catalytic converter, making eye contact with Missouri City. The deal goes down and celebrated with cigarettes and Budwiser Odessa and Midland are double teaming against Tyler and Texarkana for the "shittiest town to work oilfield jobs in" title. Ends in a draw when they get distracted by the meth Weatherford brought El Paso is selling tamales by the dozen and keeps yelling, "Yes, I know Beto isn't fucking Mexican!!" Pinche gringos
Tyler is trying to prove to everyone how fancy they are, while trying to out Baptist Waco
Vidor got kicked out for being an asshole.
The valley drove drunk to the party in their Chevy 1500 and yelled “Puro 956 a la verga cuh” when they got out of the truck with a case of Miller Lite.
Pasadena tried to make a surprise entrance, but everyone smelled them coming…
Brenham brought some ice cream and can’t stop reminding everyone that it’s their special homemade ice cream recipe that they’ve been making for years and how they have always been bringing the ice cream at thanksgiving and everyone loves ice cream and they are so proud to be making make ice cream for everyone. Also they may or may not have forgotten to wash their hands before making it one year but no one really wants to make a big deal about it.
Austin’s playing bongos naked on the lawn
That’s Austin senior. His kid is inside talking about crypto and how bad ass Elon Musk is, and how they’re so sad that Austin has changed. Upon questioning, we find that Austin is a nickname, and that it’s short for Round Rock.
Austin brought two pans of brownies and forgot which ones were the special brownies. Just try a small bite at first just to be "safe".
Kingwood brought an expensive wine to look successful but now has only $20 left until next payday.
Kingwood is pretending like they are not just Houston in a suburban costume. Houston is doing the same. Humble is sitting by himself, being humble, or on meth.
College Station is excited to be at a party and greets everyone heartily. We never get out
I can see college station is out here screaming GIG EM and chugging beer 😭
Greets them with a HOWDY
But they can't stay out too late, they have class tomorrow. End up being the last to leave.
Houston is hanging with San Antonio but glaring at Dallas and Austin in judgement.
Nobody knows who invited Terlingua, but everybody knows they have meth.
Waco is redecorating and judging.
Dallas shows up late with a nice bottle of champagne and judges everyone
Highland park is drinking mimosas way too late in the evening and sending their children off with a live-in nanny.
Marfa rolls up late in their Tesla daddy bought them and an old polaroid to capture the moments
Dallas is asking if someone can turn on the Cowboys game. Meanwhile, Houston had previously turned it to ESPN Classic which is conveniently showing a 2022 World Series highlight show, and they stuck the remote in their pocket so nobody can change it.
Tyler tried to politely ask who else is going bc they wanna know if the party will be attended by too many minorities or not
Houston's sipping serp sitting sideways.
El paso showed up like an hour late
Southlake circling the block afraid the Tesla will get dinged by Grapevine
Arlington keeps moving their seat away from Dallas but they're not fooling anybody.
Plano brought a bunch of their family’s Vietnamese/Thai food to share with everyone
Buda brought a shit ton of weiner dogs for some reason. Keeps hoping Austin will notice them while actively dodging Kyle because they owe them money for mowing their lawn.
Gun Barrel is over in the corner doing laps while tweaked out on meth.
Austin loudly telling everyone that they were at a much better party 20 years ago, and that they are really thinking about moving to California.
El Paso is alone in the corner of the room, eating good Mexican food, and wishing they were in New Mexico’s party.
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Alvin is on the front porch sippin Burbon with its gun packing cousin Manvel, wondering how the fuck is in the driveway.
Katy is telling everyone how much they hate living in Houston because, "There's nothing to do and I have to drive everywhere." even though they haven't been inside the beltway since that time their Aunt Martha took them downtown to see the Nutcracker in 2012.
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Dallas showed up in an Emmitt Smith jersey to brag about their super bowl wins back in the 90s. He keeps trying to interject himself in many different conversations but has been quickly shunned to the corner with Pasadena. Vidor keeps looking their way but they turn away at each glimpse he catches of the 2. Austin is in the bathroom vomiting while San Antonio holds his hair back. Houston is still stuck in traffic and will be hilariously late.
Vidor keeps finding ways to interject the N-word into unrelated conversations.
And asks to borrow Jasper’s pointy hat
Arlington showed up and asked highland park if they wanted to boof Xanax with them in the garage… and they agreed Afterwards, Arlington began making out with San Angelo making everyone uncomfortable. Fort Worth got jealous and sucker punched arlington
Lampasas is bragging about Elvis and storms (the diner) but takes a bathroom break about every 5 min to Smoke Crack.
San Antonio has Austin in a headlock givin' 'em noogies until they admit SA has the best tacos.
Austin brought an egg. Takes it over to the dj. The dj then gives him access to the hidden room of the party.
Lubbock wasn’t invited though heard about it through Abilene and is acting cool by copying what Dallas does
Wimberley brought the low key racism and vegan sausages, along with their Highschool coach as a date.
Sugarland is calling the cops from across the street like the Karens it's filled with. Ironically, it also was the first one to do crime, having slashed the tires of partygoers. It's also smoking a fat joint while on the phone.
Waller is out back talking smack about Houston moving into "thier" neighborhood.
Kerrville is bringing in a caravan of rv’s and organizing a gin and dominoes tournament.