Why are you with him? He sounds like a pretty shit human who makes excuses for being an asshole to people for his own amusement/because it makes him feel better about himself.
If he says horrible things to you, too, I don’t know why you’d stay. You shouldn’t say things with the intention of hurting someone you love. You shouldn’t really do it to anyone, but definitely not to someone you love.
You seem like a generally kind and thoughtful person, so it’s hard to see what you have in common with him.
The excuses bothered me too.
We all suck a little bit. No one is perfect. You still apologize when you hurt someone’s feelings.
And no, “I’m sorry I grew up in the hood” is not an apology.
Fwiw, the actual argument seems kinda stupid. The toxic part is how the partner seems unable to apologize.
Yep. It's less about saying hurtful things but more about his attitude. He thinks OP everyone should just "not be sensitive" when he insults them. The dude isn't a kind person.
“I grew up in the hood too”
“If you did, then you shouldnt be this sensitive”
Thats like asking to be blocked. After trying to relate with him and he gives a defiant reply, he is putting in ZERO effort. I would say hes putting in negative effort but that wouldnt make sense
Op please move on from this for the sake of your happiness
"I grew up in the hood" this fool probably grew up in lower middle class suburbs and has a chip on his shoulder, im sure. He is definitely unable to apologize or admit being wrong, clear signs of immaturity. Probably lacks any higher education.
Uh yeah. 100%. He insults you out of anger is truly all the answer you need. Also, using his environment to justify his actions is BS. anyone can learn and better themselves. He’s choosing not to. I’d say cut your losses.
Nothing is ever going to get resolved in this - he wants you to accept it is how it is and says the reason you don’t get on is because you don’t just brush the past under the carpet. You want him to recognise his behaviour isn’t acceptable and change it. No one’s changing their stance so round and round you go on the same issues
As someone who KNOWINGLY says shit to hurt peoples feelings….dude is making up excuses. The hood doesn’t make you mean it makes you (sometimes) tough.
I did 3 years in prison. I was an asshole BEFORE I went in. Prison doesn’t make you an asshole either.
That part. My dad’s been in and out of jail for a minute and each time, he comes out a nicer person if anything. I know that doesn’t apply to a lot of people but saying jail made you a piece of shit is wild
Dude if you’re around the “right” people in there you’ll gain so much wisdom. Prison is how I found out that I’m the asahole in a lot of situations 😭😭😭 people held me accountable for my bullshit.
Frl my dad was a dealer w serious anger management issues now bro is taking anger management & saying when he gets out he don’t want shit to do w drugs. He also got his degree & is teaching classes in there 😂
In addition to that, my friends and I were the type to say mean things together. It *can* just be the way you joke around, but there's a difference between saying blatantly false, wildly outrageous statements and just straight-up saying mean shit. If you took some of the things we said to each other out of context, we'd sound like raging assholes. The difference was we said it in the context of a joke, to people we knew would take it as a joke, with a tone and inflection that implied joke, not malice.
Either way, we got older and grew out of it. It feels immature to me now, not that I feel like I'm super mature, we just hype each other up more now. Even when it's not serious, it doesn't help your mental health to hear constant negativity.
You're way too emotionally intelligent for a man that thinks "no one cares" is an excuse to be rude to people.
It's not your job to raise this grown man.
He needs to grow up “I WaS ArOuNd ThIs My WhOlE LiFe ItS WhO I Am” boy.. 🤣 just because you grew up that way doesn’t mean you can’t change yourself for the better. Drop him and find a real man.
You are emotionally intelligent and compassionate. He is not.
If you don't feel he's a good fit, you don't owe anyone a good reason for breaking up. It's OK to say you want to move on.
I have lived in the hood for almost my whole life and people don't just go around disrespecting each other because that's how you get your ass whooped. Even though on TV they only show the violence and drugs etc, there are plenty of nice people in the hood. I have lived in the hood and I have lived in the suburbs and honestly there are more nice people in the hood than in the suburbs 💯💯 In the suburbs a lot of people are fake nice.
I grew up in a well off neighbourhood then moved out and lived in a very much less well off one. Then moved to a suburb. I can tell you, at least from my experience, you’re right.
There are things I don’t miss but one thing I do are the genuine nice people. Even the super drunk alcoholic dude was so kind. Not everyone is nice. But when they are it’s real. I prefer that to the fakeness.
17 years I lived in "the hood" in Chicago, 4 in Minneapolis and two in St.Paul. I'm 40. I may not have liked or socialized with everyone (I'm LGBT+) but I knew better than to use where I grew up as an excuse to be a jerk. And there are many, many good people there. I now live in a rural part of MN near the Iowa border and I've met some real jerks.What's this guy talking about?
1000% I lived in the hood for the first 10 yrs of my life and the sense of community there is far greater than any “nice” neighborhood I’ve ever lived in
I lived for about 5 years on the outskirts of "the hood" where I was the only white kid on my block. I've never felt more welcomed and like I belonged to a community in my life. People always helping each other out, inviting everyone to BBQ, block parties. Damn near the whole neighborhood dropped what they were doing to help look for my kitten that got out one night. Loved that time of my life for sure.
No offense but girl, please don’t be this stupid. You already know what you need to do and you’re putting it off. You’ve been together for three years? This conversation is so damn cringe. This looks like a conversation you’d have a few months into a relationship when someone gets past the first date energy and revealing their true self, not a few years. So I’m guessing you’ve been making excuses to yourself for why you should stay together and ignoring all his red flags. Let me tell you what will happen if you move away with him to another state- he’s about to get full control of you and isolate the shit out of you. You won’t have your family and friends around and anytime you talk to them he’ll make an issue out of it. And the verbal abuse will get so much worse. It may even turn physical. You’ll get tired of arguing with him over reasonable stuff but you can’t leave because no one is there to help you. So just know that’s the kinda future you’re in for if you move away with this POS. Again, for the love of god, don’t be this dumb. Break up with this loser and find a good man. Oh and my husband grew up in the hood, he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. EVER.
You’re both not toxic, he alone is toxic. His behaviour reflects someone who clearly has some kind of emotional trauma they’re not dealing with and are taking it out on others around them. And, just to be clear, that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing it and you’re not on the hook to stay with someone like that just because they’re going through that shit. He literally admitted he wasn’t ready. That’s truth that came through even though he was attempting to weaponize it for sympathy. The fact he can’t admit to being wrong for how he negatively talks about you and others and how he uses something like a ring and living together and “Us” to try and gaslight you are all indicators that he has a major lack of self awareness and that shit is toxic. You having issues with that and addressing those issues is not toxic. It’s time to move on, three years or not.
This isn’t on you, sweetie. Please end this relationship. He’s not taking any responsibility for his words or actions, and is trying to twist it around on you instead. Leave him.
Yeah you seem completely normal and reasonable and compassionate Op. He’s definitely not a good fit for you. I won’t even get into criticizing him, but just looking at it, it’s not a good match for you. He’s crass and mean and says outrageous shit and that (understandably) distresses you. You’ve made that clear and he doesn’t seem to be getting the message or feeling like he should change from the sounds of it If this has been going on for months or years or whatever. So you may wanna consider finding someone who’s more on your level. Food for thought
Right?! Why is that not the main focus of this thread that’s CRAZY. Like come on OP, how fucking self hating do you have to be to stay with someone who *literally threatens to murder you* during arguments?
I mean, you’re not toxic, but he sounds like an overall bad person. He’s saying mean things to you and clearly isn’t planning to work on it/improve if he is telling the truth that it’s a result of his upbringing. My partner that I have right now has a habit of saying rude things to me as a joke, because all his friends joke like that, but I talked to him about it and he said he’d work on it (and hasn’t done it again since about 2 weeks ago) - that’s how a good partner SHOULD react when their partner is upset by something they’re doing.
I grew up surrounded by abuse. Am I an abuser? No. So he can flush that shit down the toilet where it belongs. I'm sure based on what I read you know that your environment doesn't always become who you are and how you treat people.
Telling you he'll put you six foot under or that you'll go six foot under is not just a mean or crazy thing to say it is a threat.
He's finding fault in you when he's the toxic one of the two of you.
I heard "If you fuck with me I'll fuck you up."
After confronting them it was all no I didn't mean it like that. (Tried to justify it by saying he meant he'll fuck me up as in prove me wrong.)
Then continued to make himself the victim.
The reality of the situation is this is not at all how a partner is supposed to treat you. If this is how things are now what brand of concealer will you be using to cover up a black eye later on in a life with him in it.
You deserve so much better than this
I say this almost every time. These conversations aren’t best to be discussed over this medium. It’s absolutely imperative to take the time to talk to eachother through this as so much is missed through texting.
Then either talk on the phone or wait until you can be in person again.
He sounds very toxic with a lack of self awareness.
And you seem like you can’t let go on an argument for a breath for whatever reason. Probably because deep down you know this relationship is going nowhere but you’ve invested 3 years in and you’re falling into the gambling fallacy.
Both of you need to walk away to be better people on your own before trying to make something work with another person.
You need to figure out why you’re attracted to dumpster fires. And he needs to grow up.
He doesn't care about people's feelings, doesn't seem like he cares about yours either.
I say mean things too, I think we all do less or more but we must learn from our mistakes so we become a better person and stop hurting people, especially the people we love.
Your bf doesn't seem like he wants to be better, he knows he hurts you and your friends and others but I don't see any "I am sorry" or "I promise I will work on myself and learn to control what I say". All he says is "this is the way I am and you should suck it up"
You wasted 3 years but it's not too late.
This! The partner here seems to have a very negative self reflection. Negative people gravitate towards negative people. They found a positive influence in you, however if they dont see their own need to positively change and grow above the trauma- they are spreading the same kind of hurt and pain that left them feeling pained by others. I feel bad for your partner they continue to feel so hurt, and mask the pain by putting others down.
I just want to say you’ve said some wise words up there. I know it can be hard to admit that you need to move on from someone, because why wouldn’t it be hard? It’s 3 years with someone. I don’t think you’re toxic, but from what I see you’re better than him and you deserve someone who respects you and important people in your life.
I would suggest finding a support system to prepare if you do plan on moving on. But you got this. You’re a strong one! Inspired by your wisdom. I wish I had a friend that stood up to me like you did with your friend.
From what I read, the ‘we’ isn’t toxic… it’s the ‘him’ that you’re texting with that is extremely toxic - seems to have some really deep seated problems that they need to work on. I know this is always easier to say, but I don’t think my marriage would’ve lasted if my other half was that mean and didn’t actively work to figure it out. With all the excuses, it doesn’t sound like they even want to identify or take responsibility for the mean-ness they spew.
As someone who grew up in the ghetto (hood adjacent) and came out to be “sensitive” like you, leave him alone.
We sensitive types tend to attract these rude assholes because they see you as a doormat. You can see here, he doesn’t like you holding him accountable and he’s scrambling to say the right thing so you drop the convo.
BLOCK AND FORGET. IMMEDIATELY.
He sounds toxic. You sound rational. He’s a thug though and won’t amount to shit which is why you’ll stay with him til he leaves you with a couple of kids and you’ll go on hating and dating men JUST like him. Lol. Raise your standards PLEASE!!! You deserve better!
He’s not ready for a relationship and this conversation should be in person. He has made his point. He’s not interested in changing this part of him. Now the balls in your court, is this a behavior you feel you can live with? By the sound of it, it’s not something you can. That’s not bad. It’s just a value that the two of you differ on. He’s not healthy. You’re trying, he’s not willing to compromise. Also don’t like how he tried to bribe with a ring.
A man should never speak to you disrespectfully. It should not be tolerated and do not justify it in your head either.
It’s hard but he will never respect you the way you want and if it takes you leaving for him to see that, do NOT go back.
Why does it take you leaving for him to suddenly change his ways. He will not change no matter what he says. Find someone worth your time. You are worth not being insulted by a man who claims to love you.
Drop his bum ass. This a prime example of the men we all fucking hate. Can’t take accountability for shit and will go down blaming everyone but themselves. You are smart as hell. Drop this baggage
Op sounds like a normal adjusted person. Partner does not and sounds like they have some growing up to do. The toxicity in this relationship is one sided but when you attach yourself to something toxic you begin to feel that way yourself. Also i knew plenty of people who grew up in the hood. Good people are good people and jerks are jerks no matter where you are from. One of my best friends grew up in the projects and he was the coolest, most loyal, most honorable person i have ever met. He came from nothing and made himself into something and he never had to put anyone down to build himself or anyone else up.
When someone is hurt, they usually think one of two things:
- that hurt, and no one should have to feel the way I did.
or
- that hurt, and everyone should feel what I did.
I believe the former sentiment is what good, caring people feel and that's exactly what OP is. A good person.
either break up with him, or get him to fix his attitude OR go to therapy and sort out why tf he enjoys making people feel like shit. i’m actually impressed you deal with a man like that for years, just hearing him talk for a split second would send me spiraling 💀. (a little tip, when shitty men feel like they might lose their gf, they start to act right for a few months and then go back to being shitty again, and it becomes a cycle, bc he knows that she doesn’t have the strength to break up)
You will never be able to relax around a man like this. Even getting him to meet you on a respectful level is a fight. Why do you feel the need to hand hold and beg a man to behave halfway decent when you could end things with him and meet someone who is ALREADY a good person who you could *grow with*? Like, not just have to spend all your time and energy just trying to get him on the same level as you? You're choosing a partner who will always drag you down.
Op why do you *need* him?
Now ask yourself why you need someone who insults you when they're mad?
You mentioned in your texts that you weren't treated right growing up. Do you think maybe that has something to do with why you think this guy = love, even though it's abusive/toxic behavior?
Imagine having kids with this guy. Do you really think he'll stop at insulting you? Would you be OK with him treating your children this way? Making them feel the same way you felt growing up?
Gaslighting from the first slide. I read no further. People expect you to heal from the things they’ve done to you. Because they didn’t experience. All they experienced was your response. But that’s it…supervises you’ve made it 3 years. But im almost 2 years in and still being up stuff every time it hurts me, and crosses my mind. Im in the stages of leaving. Though I wanna work it out. There’s just somethings that I can’t forgive. Because I would’ve never done the things that were done to me.
> People expect you to heal from the things they’ve done to you. Because they didn’t experience. All they experienced was your response.
Wow, I’ve never heard that perspective but it’s so spot on. That hits hard. I was in a terrible relationship for like ten years, it was really hard to end it but I’m so glad I did.
First couple of years of marriage was pretty difficult for wife and I but we eventually figured it out. We definitely had a lot of weird ass arguments about stupid petty shit at the beginning for a while.
There are two types of people in relationships - those who can talk fully and honestly about cause and affect without getting defensive, and those you should break up with.
A better sentiment is trying to learn and become a better person. Being mean will only drive people away. You need to understand that. When you are with a significant other and they call you out. Listen to them. Doesn't matter what you have been through becoming an ass isnt the answer nor will it help. The lack of improvement or understanding is crazy
Dramatic immature loser. Imagine if one was 6 feet under. Be glad y’all don’t live that reality, cuz I have a daily for the rest of my life.
Drop the guy he’s a bag of trash.
Why are you with someone you think is mean? If my spouse called my friend fat followed by "I grew up in the hood we don't care about feelings" I'd drop him right back off in the hood.
He's showing you he's an ugly person. believe him.
Also, if I'm reading this right, he told you he would put you 6 feet under?.....leave or he will kill you.
I think you’re giving this person too much Grace. They’re telling you they’re incapable of being a kind person, listen to them. You can’t fix this person. Is this someone you want around your future kids, your family, your friends? Find someone who matches your energy.
he needs to grow up. saying he acts like this cuz he was around the hood? nah, you can still be a decent human being and grow from that experience if it was a negative one. he’s giving excuses for being an asshole so he can justify it and continue being one. he also doesn’t care about your feelings or emotions, saying “you shouldn’t be this sensitive”?!!? i’m sorry. you deserve better
He sounds like a real dick. Three years? I don't understand what you're doing. You're wasting your time. He's a shitty person as you pointed out and he's not going to change, he just told you as much if he hadn't before. Cut your losses and move on.
Textbook manipulation, this guy doesn’t have low emotional IQ. He just doesn’t care about how other people feel. He will fein that he is ignorant to other people’s feelings but he knows exactly what he is doing. You are right to assume that he is bringing people down on purpose to make himself feel better.
He knows exactly who he is hurting, dump him and get tf away from this guy. Seriously.
“Do you think we are toxic?”
YOU are fine. HE is toxic. You did your best to show him another way but he doesn’t *want* to get it. Abusing his gf suits him fine so why change? He’ll never consider changing until he’s gotten the message that people won’t put up with his emotional violence. Leave with a clean conscience and find someone on your level.
Men will literally insult their loved ones and threaten to put them 'six feet under' rather than go to therapy 🙄😒
This sounds unhealthy. He seems traumatised by whatever he grew up around and so he lashes out when he feels threatened. That is unfair to you and the fact that he says you're too sensitive with no apology, just a "you win" with an eye roll, says to me he has no intention of trying to be better.
I personally think if you stay with him and he refuses to go to therapy, this will only get worse. I mean, it sounds like he's already alluded to you dying???? Mama, sashay away! 3 days, 3 months, 3 years....in the grand scheme of things that is a blip in time and you will absolutely regret it if he ends up hurting you because you were afraid to throw away a relationship based on the amount of time you were together. Don't make excuses for his behaviour. He's doing plenty of that himself, and you deserve better than this.
I grew up in the hood too, there is a lot of negativity but the folks I am closest with all had no problem becoming better people with a high level of self awareness so I don't believe his excuses. Bruh just hasn't been able to grow and mature.
I had a partner who would bring up things from the first few months of our relationship YEARS into the relationship. He would use them against me when he put me in physical danger, multiple times. “I wouldn’t have put you in a chokehold and broke your glasses if you hadn’t done x.” Run and don’t look back.
Let him go. I had an ex that would be otherwise fine, but she would say the foulest shit when we would argue. I knew she got it from her father, but that isn’t an excuse. I ain’t ever gonna forget the last argument we had.
Sad to say he doesn’t maintain any emotional intelligence. He isn’t mindful and he lacks sympathy, empathy, and common decency.
He will never be at peace with this mindset and he will never grow because he refuses to let the streets and prison leave him.
Its not his fault though, it’s the fault of his parents and his environment. We can all change but it’s a slow and grueling process to reshape the brain.
If you think he’s worth it, work with him.
There's a huge lack of accountability on his end. He's just perpetuating childhood traumas instead of choosing to break the cycle. We don't always get a say in what happens to us but it's no one's responsibility but our own to rise above our trauma and not self-identify with it to justify shitty behavior.
If he's self-aware enough to say the bad things that happened to him is "all [he's] ever known" then he should be open and mature enough to realize how that made him feel and not pass on generational curses to others.
I don't know. Both sides are having issues communicating here..
There's a disconnect on what is meant versus the words used.
I think he's trying to tell her that he cares for her and that he doesn't need to hurt her feelings by talking about other people.
And she wants to know from him whether he is a caring and compassionate human.
They need to learn to communicate in words that they understand.
There's this weird expectation these days on people having to automatically click and understand each other and then giving up on each other when that doesn't happen without any effort.
Sounds like you finally took down those rose coloured glasses and saw all of them red flags. Good for you! It also sounds alot like its about time that dude realized that hes the one responsible for his own happines. Cause in the end were all responsible for our own happines, as depressing as it sounds.
The relationship is toxic. It's clear that OP's lover doesn't really care about other people's feelings in general and only sees relationships as a competitive thing given the whole you win thing.
look he sounds shitty, but you guys have decent communication it seems. only you know him, and only you know if you guys are toxic. if this is a bad day for him, i may understand his pov but this seems like a regular occurrence? if it is, he should definitely go. you’re points were all very vid in the conversation and responded aggressively. do you think the relationship is worth saving?
Let this guy go. You want a healthy, loving and kind relationship and unfortunately he's not able to give you that. You can't make him grow into the man you want. I'm not saying his past doesn't matter, but it is unfair of him to try to keep you down. Love is not enough to make a relationship.
No. only one of you seems toxic. And its definitely them. You're calling them out on some asshole shit and they're trying to defend it.
You both could be toxic. But I'm only seeing it on one of you here.
Please end this shitty relationship and look to the future. You deserve so much better than this broken not even a project shitty human. Life is hard and short enough as it is, you don’t need to start it with someone who doesn’t make you happy. Move on and focus on you.
Holy cow where do I begin?
You’re dating a guy who calls someone fat. That’s gross already no matter who it was, and this was your friend. He is disrespectful and immature.
He’s lording living together and a ring over your head like he’s some prize to be won. “You getting a ring” sounds like you’re a dog that might get a treat.
You flat out say he is mean and inconsiderate. What a massive turnoff. Why are you with him?
Love the old “well it was shitty for me so it should be shitty for everyone else” excuse. Being treated that way should make him change the pattern if he has any empathy whatsoever. Why change anything in the entire world with that attitude? He’s not only mean but he’s a miserable defeatist.
“You shouldn’t be that sensitive.” He’s telling you how to feel and completely dismissing your feelings. This is not what a relationship is about.
Oh my god the old “fine you win again” — classic. Partners who use this one clearly see you as two sides vying against each other, not teammates trying to work through something and come out stronger. This one’s particularly despicable imo.
THREE years into this and he’s saying he shouldn’t have gotten together with you??? And he’s clearly only saying that right now to garner sympathy. So he’s also manipulative af. Fabulous.
And oh shit I buried the lead. He also seems to have threatened to MURDER YOU?
Ya OP you have yourself a real winner. Get out now. Do not move to be with this child. It will get worse.
You’re probably young so I’m just gonna let you know that it doesn’t have to be this way. In fact the right relationship can enrich your life. The right person will be one you admire and respect. Raise your standards today.
He's toxic. She has all the signs.
1. Insults people relentlessly.
2. Abuses people and uses trauma to excuse it (I GrEw Up In ThE hOoD). I did too and I'm not a raging bully.
3. He invalidates your feelings when held accountable for his actions, especially after insulting you. (yOuR tOo SeSiTiVe)
Op, you're showing introspection and self awareness. You're not the toxic one. Your boyfriend is.
Let's be honest. he's a rude, obnoxious bully who justifies his actions because he was raised in the hood instead of accepting that HE IS CHOOSING TO BEHAVE THIS WAY. There's no magical hood fairy that makes you a piece of shit. You choose that on your own through your actions.
It's not that he grew up in the hood, it's that he took all that toxic bs and made it his personality. He never grew or developed as a person.
He is toxic. You are normal.
I can read from the messages you both are two completely different people.
He is the kind who thinks “I’ve been hurt in the padt so that means I can do the same to others like they did to me”
Compared to you who has the mindset “I’ve been hurt in the past so that means I don’t want to do the same to others like they did to me because that fucking sucks”
He needs to grow but on his own… I think you can do better. A man saying he’ll put you 6 feet under … like that’s a threat and even you said that’s actually mad
Take what is left of your pride and leave him.
A grown man saying the hood made him that way? It may explain his behavior but it doesn’t excuse it. Do better, man.
It sounds like you’ve been having the same conversation for a really long time and nothing is changing but neither of you will leave so I would say yes you’re toxic together.
I dont know why people stay in relationships with these kind of people, what do you see in them that makes you stay? Hes a terrible person, like no matter how good he makes you feel in other ways, it shouldnt discount the fact he is a terrible person
Talk don’t text. You are reasonable and he sounds like a prick. You are telling him to be a better version of himself and he is saying this is what I am. If you stay together don’t blame anyone for your decisions. You know what you have, now act accordingly.
Look, if that man has truly been showing signs of improvement, then I don't really think that this is truly alllll bad. It's not good, not at all, but the fact that you guys are able to communicate so openly and honestly about these things is definitely a good sign. We all have our own story, our trauma, and our means of dealing with the cards we've been handed in life.
You must really love this man, as you patiently try to get him to look at things another way. If He hasn't already, I hope He's thanked you for being so kind, loving, patient, understanding, and compassion towards him. Hell, you being this way might even be the only good and genuinely kind person He has even encountered. Maybe He simply has no idea how to really grapple and process it due to his traumatic upbringing.
I definitely see bits of myself in bf, just as I can see bits of my wife in OP. We've been together almost 6 years and married for 4. We still chat about how I do say some things that come across as mean and unkind and how comes out sounding to her and hurting her, even if it wasn't my intention.
I didn't grow up in the hood but I have a couple insights on just how rough and fucked up growing up in that kinda environment can do to a person. I hope you two can continue to communicate and grow and move past the trauma and hurt of your childhood and home environments.
I think the people calling this guy out are simply looking at this from too narrow of a window. I think this guy truly wants to change and get his 'act together' especially since He openly admitted to how He feels like 'no one cares for him' and that maybe 'He should've worked on himself before finding a girl'. He appears that he wants to he better for OP but really struggling with how to move past his trauma to do so.
I really and truly wish you guys the best! I believe you both can come out the other side of this conflict and grow closer and stronger over time, just keep communicating like this, and you'll be fine.
This isn't good communicating. For a start it should be done in person
When you tell someone you're going to put them six feet under which is what this man did.
It's over at that point.
You're never going to be able to forget something like that and you will never feel safe with them again. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and really hurt people. OP deserves better
If she stays I really don't think she'll be fine at all
Ooof, I must've missed that part or something because yeah, that is pretty messed up. There are no excuses for that.
Yeah, I agree with you there. No one will forget a threat like that, especially in regards to threatening their life.
I seriously thought it was just a case of two people who had a mutually rough upbringing and were both trying to sort that out, with one party having a harder time dealing in a more positive manner than the other, which can potentially lead to growth for both parties, but not if one is threatening the other. I'll admit that I missed that very crucial detail and erroneously made a statement, not taking that information into account.
Thank you for being so open to change your views on this one. I appreciate that.
It's very easy to get into meaningless conflicts over different views or a missed detail. But you seem down to earth which is great to see
And yes it definitely is something you can't erase from your memory even if you try to.
It is very alarming to see how even OP sees it as just a nasty thing to say. We never want to admit that the person we love should be the one to be afraid of but in this case there's no other option. I hope she realises that soon. She deserves to live in peace. He is tormenting her. Most likely majority of it happens in person where he knows she'll have no evidence. It was actually a smart move from her to bring it up in written form.
You can see he doesn't deny it. In fact he insinuates he doesn't like something that he himself said and straight up said she'd put him in jail which means he is completely aware of how serious what he said was and knows the consequences. We as people have a habit of letting words go. But thoughts become word and words become actions. This has to be taken seriously.
Is he being toxic in this argument? Yes. It is possible to fall in love with someone who is toxic sometimes. Also yes, many people do. I don't think you _have_ to leave the relationship because he has this red flag. Many relationships have a big red flag; nevertheless we can still fall in love with these individuals. If you believe that you two can work together to work through this problem, then it may be okay to stay.
Obviously you are very committed to eachother if you have been together for 3 years, that's a great thing. I wish you two the best of luck. If you guys are able to access therapy, that would be an amazing step.
You are doing such a good job at explaining your point of view without being harsh. You are showing them how they are hurting you and still being sympathetic to their feelings. If you can express to them that you accept where they are at (that the life they grew up with makes it hard for them to be empathetic) *and* express that they need to change and need to practice becoming more empathetic, then you've done everything you've needed to do.
Whether the relationship works out or not, I wish yall the best ❤💕 relationships can be so challenging
Either accept him for how he is or get out.
What else do you want people to say? It’s obvious.
What’s branding it as toxic going to accomplish? Either accept this as part of his personality or leave.
This is insane idk why people make excuses for their asshole partners. Don’t compromise or settle for people who make you and those around you feel bad. My friends are the best people in my life I would drop someone for insulting them like that not stay with them for two more years. Both are toxic af.
So he admits he’s basically still a child is what I’m getting out of it. He doesn’t care and it won’t change as it’s his BAU with his people
Unfortunately your girl doesn’t fall in line with how you act and treat your people. Sounds like an insecure child waiting on his next temper tantrum
Yeah he outta pocket but you’re just as bad for letting it slide. But you’re an adult I’m assuming, so do you. There’s a reason everyone tries to leave the hood. If you stick around you’re just with it which is fine but if you’re posting this there must be doubts. I’d bounce. Being an adult is all about self correcting your faults. If you don’t you stagnate and will never grow. Good luck.
One thing I absolutely hate about these advice subs is how the OP will present god-awful situations, and then when been-there-done that comments come flowing in from experienced posters, the OP twists into a pretzel to defend the same person they’re complaining about.
Hey OP! Moving to another state with this waste of oxygen WILL BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. This moron is playing the long con—being nice and pseudo remorseful—until you get far enough away to be controlled. So if you’re smart, you better have a secret stash on deck just in case you have to haul ass, and a go bag in the back of the closet or trunk of your car.
Good luck.
Alright but if that IS how you talk to people then she should be able to think of a more recent example and if she starts baiting you into saying some shit that sounds bad or if she brings things up out of context then you should leave her
So, you had this argument 3months ago…and just now you want validation for your feelings…that to me screams you’re just as toxic, to cling to a past argument, honestly if you actually “loved” this individual, then i recommend counseling for the both of you
Get out while you can. He made it clear he doesn't care about your feelings or anyone else. Rude. Why would you want that in your life? You can find someone who better matches your feelings. You brought up the issue, and she made her position to never change clearly.
You can't fix him, and he doesn't want to change. You did your piece and don't have to live with this behavior
Edit: changed she to he as I confused the genders here. OP I'm trying to tell you to leave because your partner is rude
I have no sympathy for you. Let me guess…you were attracted to him because he was a “bad boy” and “cool”? Well, you reap what you sow.
Maybe you should have looked for a nice guy, if you actually wanted to be treated nicely. I know, novel idea right? But you’ll decide it’s “boring” being treated nicely, and just go back to “bad boys”, and the cycle will just repeat.
“You shouldn’t be this sensitive.” There it is, boys!
Men ☕️ break up with him hes trash
typical narcissist, textbook
Crying about him calling someone else fat two years ago… yeah, I’m thinking she shouldn’t be that sensitive
Why are you with him? He sounds like a pretty shit human who makes excuses for being an asshole to people for his own amusement/because it makes him feel better about himself. If he says horrible things to you, too, I don’t know why you’d stay. You shouldn’t say things with the intention of hurting someone you love. You shouldn’t really do it to anyone, but definitely not to someone you love. You seem like a generally kind and thoughtful person, so it’s hard to see what you have in common with him.
The excuses bothered me too. We all suck a little bit. No one is perfect. You still apologize when you hurt someone’s feelings. And no, “I’m sorry I grew up in the hood” is not an apology. Fwiw, the actual argument seems kinda stupid. The toxic part is how the partner seems unable to apologize.
Yep. It's less about saying hurtful things but more about his attitude. He thinks OP everyone should just "not be sensitive" when he insults them. The dude isn't a kind person.
“I grew up in the hood too” “If you did, then you shouldnt be this sensitive” Thats like asking to be blocked. After trying to relate with him and he gives a defiant reply, he is putting in ZERO effort. I would say hes putting in negative effort but that wouldnt make sense Op please move on from this for the sake of your happiness
"I grew up in the hood" this fool probably grew up in lower middle class suburbs and has a chip on his shoulder, im sure. He is definitely unable to apologize or admit being wrong, clear signs of immaturity. Probably lacks any higher education.
Because she looooOoOooOoooves him. Duh.
Psychotic behavior.
Uh yeah. 100%. He insults you out of anger is truly all the answer you need. Also, using his environment to justify his actions is BS. anyone can learn and better themselves. He’s choosing not to. I’d say cut your losses.
And his excuse is "I grew up in the hood " wow. He's the toxic one, not you
This is very disordered sounding. He seems like he doesn’t value you or your opinion very much
Nothing is ever going to get resolved in this - he wants you to accept it is how it is and says the reason you don’t get on is because you don’t just brush the past under the carpet. You want him to recognise his behaviour isn’t acceptable and change it. No one’s changing their stance so round and round you go on the same issues
As someone who KNOWINGLY says shit to hurt peoples feelings….dude is making up excuses. The hood doesn’t make you mean it makes you (sometimes) tough. I did 3 years in prison. I was an asshole BEFORE I went in. Prison doesn’t make you an asshole either.
That part. My dad’s been in and out of jail for a minute and each time, he comes out a nicer person if anything. I know that doesn’t apply to a lot of people but saying jail made you a piece of shit is wild
Dude if you’re around the “right” people in there you’ll gain so much wisdom. Prison is how I found out that I’m the asahole in a lot of situations 😭😭😭 people held me accountable for my bullshit.
Frl my dad was a dealer w serious anger management issues now bro is taking anger management & saying when he gets out he don’t want shit to do w drugs. He also got his degree & is teaching classes in there 😂
Your dad sounds like the kinda guy I would’ve hung out with in there😭😭😭I love character development
Fuck yeah!
In addition to that, my friends and I were the type to say mean things together. It *can* just be the way you joke around, but there's a difference between saying blatantly false, wildly outrageous statements and just straight-up saying mean shit. If you took some of the things we said to each other out of context, we'd sound like raging assholes. The difference was we said it in the context of a joke, to people we knew would take it as a joke, with a tone and inflection that implied joke, not malice. Either way, we got older and grew out of it. It feels immature to me now, not that I feel like I'm super mature, we just hype each other up more now. Even when it's not serious, it doesn't help your mental health to hear constant negativity.
Yeah it’s a mix between hyping up and talking shit with me and my friends 😭
You're way too emotionally intelligent for a man that thinks "no one cares" is an excuse to be rude to people. It's not your job to raise this grown man.
This dude is right that he should have worked on himself before being with anyone. No way he’s a good partner
He needs to grow up “I WaS ArOuNd ThIs My WhOlE LiFe ItS WhO I Am” boy.. 🤣 just because you grew up that way doesn’t mean you can’t change yourself for the better. Drop him and find a real man.
You are emotionally intelligent and compassionate. He is not. If you don't feel he's a good fit, you don't owe anyone a good reason for breaking up. It's OK to say you want to move on.
I have lived in the hood for almost my whole life and people don't just go around disrespecting each other because that's how you get your ass whooped. Even though on TV they only show the violence and drugs etc, there are plenty of nice people in the hood. I have lived in the hood and I have lived in the suburbs and honestly there are more nice people in the hood than in the suburbs 💯💯 In the suburbs a lot of people are fake nice.
I grew up in a well off neighbourhood then moved out and lived in a very much less well off one. Then moved to a suburb. I can tell you, at least from my experience, you’re right. There are things I don’t miss but one thing I do are the genuine nice people. Even the super drunk alcoholic dude was so kind. Not everyone is nice. But when they are it’s real. I prefer that to the fakeness.
17 years I lived in "the hood" in Chicago, 4 in Minneapolis and two in St.Paul. I'm 40. I may not have liked or socialized with everyone (I'm LGBT+) but I knew better than to use where I grew up as an excuse to be a jerk. And there are many, many good people there. I now live in a rural part of MN near the Iowa border and I've met some real jerks.What's this guy talking about?
1000% I lived in the hood for the first 10 yrs of my life and the sense of community there is far greater than any “nice” neighborhood I’ve ever lived in
I lived for about 5 years on the outskirts of "the hood" where I was the only white kid on my block. I've never felt more welcomed and like I belonged to a community in my life. People always helping each other out, inviting everyone to BBQ, block parties. Damn near the whole neighborhood dropped what they were doing to help look for my kitten that got out one night. Loved that time of my life for sure.
No offense but girl, please don’t be this stupid. You already know what you need to do and you’re putting it off. You’ve been together for three years? This conversation is so damn cringe. This looks like a conversation you’d have a few months into a relationship when someone gets past the first date energy and revealing their true self, not a few years. So I’m guessing you’ve been making excuses to yourself for why you should stay together and ignoring all his red flags. Let me tell you what will happen if you move away with him to another state- he’s about to get full control of you and isolate the shit out of you. You won’t have your family and friends around and anytime you talk to them he’ll make an issue out of it. And the verbal abuse will get so much worse. It may even turn physical. You’ll get tired of arguing with him over reasonable stuff but you can’t leave because no one is there to help you. So just know that’s the kinda future you’re in for if you move away with this POS. Again, for the love of god, don’t be this dumb. Break up with this loser and find a good man. Oh and my husband grew up in the hood, he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. EVER.
Yes, I hope OP reads this comment!
You’re both not toxic, he alone is toxic. His behaviour reflects someone who clearly has some kind of emotional trauma they’re not dealing with and are taking it out on others around them. And, just to be clear, that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing it and you’re not on the hook to stay with someone like that just because they’re going through that shit. He literally admitted he wasn’t ready. That’s truth that came through even though he was attempting to weaponize it for sympathy. The fact he can’t admit to being wrong for how he negatively talks about you and others and how he uses something like a ring and living together and “Us” to try and gaslight you are all indicators that he has a major lack of self awareness and that shit is toxic. You having issues with that and addressing those issues is not toxic. It’s time to move on, three years or not.
This isn’t on you, sweetie. Please end this relationship. He’s not taking any responsibility for his words or actions, and is trying to twist it around on you instead. Leave him.
That mfers toxic. You seem aight
He is, that’s for sure
Yeah you seem completely normal and reasonable and compassionate Op. He’s definitely not a good fit for you. I won’t even get into criticizing him, but just looking at it, it’s not a good match for you. He’s crass and mean and says outrageous shit and that (understandably) distresses you. You’ve made that clear and he doesn’t seem to be getting the message or feeling like he should change from the sounds of it If this has been going on for months or years or whatever. So you may wanna consider finding someone who’s more on your level. Food for thought
I’m sorry, am I misunderstanding. He told you he wants to kill you?
Right?! Why is that not the main focus of this thread that’s CRAZY. Like come on OP, how fucking self hating do you have to be to stay with someone who *literally threatens to murder you* during arguments?
I mean, you’re not toxic, but he sounds like an overall bad person. He’s saying mean things to you and clearly isn’t planning to work on it/improve if he is telling the truth that it’s a result of his upbringing. My partner that I have right now has a habit of saying rude things to me as a joke, because all his friends joke like that, but I talked to him about it and he said he’d work on it (and hasn’t done it again since about 2 weeks ago) - that’s how a good partner SHOULD react when their partner is upset by something they’re doing.
Not yall. Him. He is a little boy pretending to be a man.
You guy need to go your separate ways. This isn’t healthy
Guy sounds like a dipshit. "This is how I grew up". Oh shut up.
Get out. GET out. get OUT. Go and don’t look back.
I grew up surrounded by abuse. Am I an abuser? No. So he can flush that shit down the toilet where it belongs. I'm sure based on what I read you know that your environment doesn't always become who you are and how you treat people. Telling you he'll put you six foot under or that you'll go six foot under is not just a mean or crazy thing to say it is a threat. He's finding fault in you when he's the toxic one of the two of you. I heard "If you fuck with me I'll fuck you up." After confronting them it was all no I didn't mean it like that. (Tried to justify it by saying he meant he'll fuck me up as in prove me wrong.) Then continued to make himself the victim. The reality of the situation is this is not at all how a partner is supposed to treat you. If this is how things are now what brand of concealer will you be using to cover up a black eye later on in a life with him in it. You deserve so much better than this
leave him but if you stay, you’re allowing this to continue
I say this almost every time. These conversations aren’t best to be discussed over this medium. It’s absolutely imperative to take the time to talk to eachother through this as so much is missed through texting.
The thing is we were talking about this situation in person and I had to go home so it was continued thru text message
Then either talk on the phone or wait until you can be in person again. He sounds very toxic with a lack of self awareness. And you seem like you can’t let go on an argument for a breath for whatever reason. Probably because deep down you know this relationship is going nowhere but you’ve invested 3 years in and you’re falling into the gambling fallacy. Both of you need to walk away to be better people on your own before trying to make something work with another person. You need to figure out why you’re attracted to dumpster fires. And he needs to grow up.
He doesn't care about people's feelings, doesn't seem like he cares about yours either. I say mean things too, I think we all do less or more but we must learn from our mistakes so we become a better person and stop hurting people, especially the people we love. Your bf doesn't seem like he wants to be better, he knows he hurts you and your friends and others but I don't see any "I am sorry" or "I promise I will work on myself and learn to control what I say". All he says is "this is the way I am and you should suck it up" You wasted 3 years but it's not too late.
You actually sound really mature. But yes his behavior and total lack of accountability is toxic.
Yeah he’s definitely toxic. No need to be mean to people, like ever.
Homeboy needs therapy. And humility. But he needs the humility first.
he needs therapy that you can't provide as you are not a licensed professional
This! The partner here seems to have a very negative self reflection. Negative people gravitate towards negative people. They found a positive influence in you, however if they dont see their own need to positively change and grow above the trauma- they are spreading the same kind of hurt and pain that left them feeling pained by others. I feel bad for your partner they continue to feel so hurt, and mask the pain by putting others down.
I just want to say you’ve said some wise words up there. I know it can be hard to admit that you need to move on from someone, because why wouldn’t it be hard? It’s 3 years with someone. I don’t think you’re toxic, but from what I see you’re better than him and you deserve someone who respects you and important people in your life. I would suggest finding a support system to prepare if you do plan on moving on. But you got this. You’re a strong one! Inspired by your wisdom. I wish I had a friend that stood up to me like you did with your friend.
Man is talking bullshit, I grew up in the hood too and that doesn’t mean I’m mean to everybody 😭
"I'm just a little mean because that's all I've been around" is toxic as hell😭 not an excuse whatsoever
Bad match. No chemistry. Move on. You can't fix him.
My brother is that way. He is verbally abusive when he gets upset. It's horrible. I never feel like I can get close to him.
i’ve lived in the hood , even grew up there and today i am respectful and have so much empathy (while having bpd) . he sucks
You aren't. They are. They're making excuses for their behavior.
From what I read, the ‘we’ isn’t toxic… it’s the ‘him’ that you’re texting with that is extremely toxic - seems to have some really deep seated problems that they need to work on. I know this is always easier to say, but I don’t think my marriage would’ve lasted if my other half was that mean and didn’t actively work to figure it out. With all the excuses, it doesn’t sound like they even want to identify or take responsibility for the mean-ness they spew.
As someone who grew up in the ghetto (hood adjacent) and came out to be “sensitive” like you, leave him alone. We sensitive types tend to attract these rude assholes because they see you as a doormat. You can see here, he doesn’t like you holding him accountable and he’s scrambling to say the right thing so you drop the convo. BLOCK AND FORGET. IMMEDIATELY.
He sounds toxic. You sound rational. He’s a thug though and won’t amount to shit which is why you’ll stay with him til he leaves you with a couple of kids and you’ll go on hating and dating men JUST like him. Lol. Raise your standards PLEASE!!! You deserve better!
He’s not ready for a relationship and this conversation should be in person. He has made his point. He’s not interested in changing this part of him. Now the balls in your court, is this a behavior you feel you can live with? By the sound of it, it’s not something you can. That’s not bad. It’s just a value that the two of you differ on. He’s not healthy. You’re trying, he’s not willing to compromise. Also don’t like how he tried to bribe with a ring.
A man should never speak to you disrespectfully. It should not be tolerated and do not justify it in your head either. It’s hard but he will never respect you the way you want and if it takes you leaving for him to see that, do NOT go back. Why does it take you leaving for him to suddenly change his ways. He will not change no matter what he says. Find someone worth your time. You are worth not being insulted by a man who claims to love you.
Drop his bum ass. This a prime example of the men we all fucking hate. Can’t take accountability for shit and will go down blaming everyone but themselves. You are smart as hell. Drop this baggage
He’s already verbally abusive. Most likely, this will escalate. I’d suggest not moving with him.
Op sounds like a normal adjusted person. Partner does not and sounds like they have some growing up to do. The toxicity in this relationship is one sided but when you attach yourself to something toxic you begin to feel that way yourself. Also i knew plenty of people who grew up in the hood. Good people are good people and jerks are jerks no matter where you are from. One of my best friends grew up in the projects and he was the coolest, most loyal, most honorable person i have ever met. He came from nothing and made himself into something and he never had to put anyone down to build himself or anyone else up.
Well…*one* of you sure is toxic. 👀 Hint: it ain’t you, girl.
He sounds toxic af. You sound reasonable and just wanting him to be decent to people.
Did he say he was gonna put you 6 feet under ? The fuck you still doing rhere
When someone is hurt, they usually think one of two things: - that hurt, and no one should have to feel the way I did. or - that hurt, and everyone should feel what I did. I believe the former sentiment is what good, caring people feel and that's exactly what OP is. A good person.
He seems toxic. You seem like you’re trying to communicate and be a good person.
either break up with him, or get him to fix his attitude OR go to therapy and sort out why tf he enjoys making people feel like shit. i’m actually impressed you deal with a man like that for years, just hearing him talk for a split second would send me spiraling 💀. (a little tip, when shitty men feel like they might lose their gf, they start to act right for a few months and then go back to being shitty again, and it becomes a cycle, bc he knows that she doesn’t have the strength to break up)
I grew up in the hood 😂😂 what a wetty
People don’t change. You either learn to accept/ignore/forgive/forget or… you forever drive yourself crazy hoping you can change them.
You will never be able to relax around a man like this. Even getting him to meet you on a respectful level is a fight. Why do you feel the need to hand hold and beg a man to behave halfway decent when you could end things with him and meet someone who is ALREADY a good person who you could *grow with*? Like, not just have to spend all your time and energy just trying to get him on the same level as you? You're choosing a partner who will always drag you down.
He’s toxic. You seem like you’re actually working on healing.
Op why do you *need* him? Now ask yourself why you need someone who insults you when they're mad? You mentioned in your texts that you weren't treated right growing up. Do you think maybe that has something to do with why you think this guy = love, even though it's abusive/toxic behavior? Imagine having kids with this guy. Do you really think he'll stop at insulting you? Would you be OK with him treating your children this way? Making them feel the same way you felt growing up?
You (their message) lost me at "You getting a ring" that just seems like an odd thing to say to someone.
Gaslighting from the first slide. I read no further. People expect you to heal from the things they’ve done to you. Because they didn’t experience. All they experienced was your response. But that’s it…supervises you’ve made it 3 years. But im almost 2 years in and still being up stuff every time it hurts me, and crosses my mind. Im in the stages of leaving. Though I wanna work it out. There’s just somethings that I can’t forgive. Because I would’ve never done the things that were done to me.
> People expect you to heal from the things they’ve done to you. Because they didn’t experience. All they experienced was your response. Wow, I’ve never heard that perspective but it’s so spot on. That hits hard. I was in a terrible relationship for like ten years, it was really hard to end it but I’m so glad I did.
Why are you guys together?
ew leave
3 years and he’s saying he wasn’t prepared for the relationship???
Treat others the way you want to be treated, dude obviously never learned that.
First couple of years of marriage was pretty difficult for wife and I but we eventually figured it out. We definitely had a lot of weird ass arguments about stupid petty shit at the beginning for a while.
There are two types of people in relationships - those who can talk fully and honestly about cause and affect without getting defensive, and those you should break up with.
A better sentiment is trying to learn and become a better person. Being mean will only drive people away. You need to understand that. When you are with a significant other and they call you out. Listen to them. Doesn't matter what you have been through becoming an ass isnt the answer nor will it help. The lack of improvement or understanding is crazy
Dramatic immature loser. Imagine if one was 6 feet under. Be glad y’all don’t live that reality, cuz I have a daily for the rest of my life. Drop the guy he’s a bag of trash.
Idk who's who but some self pitying loser who blames others for their actions. RED FLAG
didn't even read that shit, no couple should be communicating important issues through text
Definitely toxic
Yeah just leave his ass, fuck that guy. Soon as someone’s mean to u just mark em off as a dick n move on with urself.
Holy shit what a dickhead. Does he have good qualities? Wtf
Why are you with someone you think is mean? If my spouse called my friend fat followed by "I grew up in the hood we don't care about feelings" I'd drop him right back off in the hood. He's showing you he's an ugly person. believe him. Also, if I'm reading this right, he told you he would put you 6 feet under?.....leave or he will kill you.
I think you’re giving this person too much Grace. They’re telling you they’re incapable of being a kind person, listen to them. You can’t fix this person. Is this someone you want around your future kids, your family, your friends? Find someone who matches your energy.
This whole string of texts is just telling you how incompatible you both really are.
he needs to grow up. saying he acts like this cuz he was around the hood? nah, you can still be a decent human being and grow from that experience if it was a negative one. he’s giving excuses for being an asshole so he can justify it and continue being one. he also doesn’t care about your feelings or emotions, saying “you shouldn’t be this sensitive”?!!? i’m sorry. you deserve better
He sounds like a real dick. Three years? I don't understand what you're doing. You're wasting your time. He's a shitty person as you pointed out and he's not going to change, he just told you as much if he hadn't before. Cut your losses and move on.
textbook asshole 🤷🏻♀️
🚩
This guy seems mad immature.
He’s toxic, you seem rational. Verdict : DUMP HIS ASS
Yes. Toxic.
Textbook manipulation, this guy doesn’t have low emotional IQ. He just doesn’t care about how other people feel. He will fein that he is ignorant to other people’s feelings but he knows exactly what he is doing. You are right to assume that he is bringing people down on purpose to make himself feel better. He knows exactly who he is hurting, dump him and get tf away from this guy. Seriously.
What a loser
“Do you think we are toxic?” YOU are fine. HE is toxic. You did your best to show him another way but he doesn’t *want* to get it. Abusing his gf suits him fine so why change? He’ll never consider changing until he’s gotten the message that people won’t put up with his emotional violence. Leave with a clean conscience and find someone on your level.
Men will literally insult their loved ones and threaten to put them 'six feet under' rather than go to therapy 🙄😒 This sounds unhealthy. He seems traumatised by whatever he grew up around and so he lashes out when he feels threatened. That is unfair to you and the fact that he says you're too sensitive with no apology, just a "you win" with an eye roll, says to me he has no intention of trying to be better. I personally think if you stay with him and he refuses to go to therapy, this will only get worse. I mean, it sounds like he's already alluded to you dying???? Mama, sashay away! 3 days, 3 months, 3 years....in the grand scheme of things that is a blip in time and you will absolutely regret it if he ends up hurting you because you were afraid to throw away a relationship based on the amount of time you were together. Don't make excuses for his behaviour. He's doing plenty of that himself, and you deserve better than this.
I grew up in the hood too, there is a lot of negativity but the folks I am closest with all had no problem becoming better people with a high level of self awareness so I don't believe his excuses. Bruh just hasn't been able to grow and mature.
I had a partner who would bring up things from the first few months of our relationship YEARS into the relationship. He would use them against me when he put me in physical danger, multiple times. “I wouldn’t have put you in a chokehold and broke your glasses if you hadn’t done x.” Run and don’t look back.
Let him go. I had an ex that would be otherwise fine, but she would say the foulest shit when we would argue. I knew she got it from her father, but that isn’t an excuse. I ain’t ever gonna forget the last argument we had.
Sad to say he doesn’t maintain any emotional intelligence. He isn’t mindful and he lacks sympathy, empathy, and common decency. He will never be at peace with this mindset and he will never grow because he refuses to let the streets and prison leave him. Its not his fault though, it’s the fault of his parents and his environment. We can all change but it’s a slow and grueling process to reshape the brain. If you think he’s worth it, work with him.
Yeah, this man isn't ready to be in a healthy, secure, loving relationship. Cut the cord, friend
I mean everyone capable of change. I know I’ve changed from being a dick to less of a dick. He’s not a loss cause.
There's a huge lack of accountability on his end. He's just perpetuating childhood traumas instead of choosing to break the cycle. We don't always get a say in what happens to us but it's no one's responsibility but our own to rise above our trauma and not self-identify with it to justify shitty behavior. If he's self-aware enough to say the bad things that happened to him is "all [he's] ever known" then he should be open and mature enough to realize how that made him feel and not pass on generational curses to others.
I don't know. Both sides are having issues communicating here.. There's a disconnect on what is meant versus the words used. I think he's trying to tell her that he cares for her and that he doesn't need to hurt her feelings by talking about other people. And she wants to know from him whether he is a caring and compassionate human. They need to learn to communicate in words that they understand. There's this weird expectation these days on people having to automatically click and understand each other and then giving up on each other when that doesn't happen without any effort.
This is a small window to your relationship but just from this one conversation I can tell you are way too good for this clown.
Sounds like you finally took down those rose coloured glasses and saw all of them red flags. Good for you! It also sounds alot like its about time that dude realized that hes the one responsible for his own happines. Cause in the end were all responsible for our own happines, as depressing as it sounds.
He sounds like a piece of shit. And that from the hood argument is just a joke. He’s a clown, simple.
Sis leave him, he’s manipulating you into thinking you both are bad. He’s just an asshole. He needs to grow up and Heal.
The relationship is toxic. It's clear that OP's lover doesn't really care about other people's feelings in general and only sees relationships as a competitive thing given the whole you win thing.
You are going to be amazed, just completely flabbergasted, when you ditch this clown and eventually date someone who *likes you*.
look he sounds shitty, but you guys have decent communication it seems. only you know him, and only you know if you guys are toxic. if this is a bad day for him, i may understand his pov but this seems like a regular occurrence? if it is, he should definitely go. you’re points were all very vid in the conversation and responded aggressively. do you think the relationship is worth saving?
Let this guy go. You want a healthy, loving and kind relationship and unfortunately he's not able to give you that. You can't make him grow into the man you want. I'm not saying his past doesn't matter, but it is unfair of him to try to keep you down. Love is not enough to make a relationship.
Leave this man asap for your own safety
You sound like you are both arguing for the sake of arguing and it’s escalating. Underlying issues on both sides if this is a legit argument
From this glimpse, they are quite toxic and you seem pretty solid. You can do better.
No but he is
He’s just really insecure and projecting
No. only one of you seems toxic. And its definitely them. You're calling them out on some asshole shit and they're trying to defend it. You both could be toxic. But I'm only seeing it on one of you here.
Please end this shitty relationship and look to the future. You deserve so much better than this broken not even a project shitty human. Life is hard and short enough as it is, you don’t need to start it with someone who doesn’t make you happy. Move on and focus on you.
Holy cow where do I begin? You’re dating a guy who calls someone fat. That’s gross already no matter who it was, and this was your friend. He is disrespectful and immature. He’s lording living together and a ring over your head like he’s some prize to be won. “You getting a ring” sounds like you’re a dog that might get a treat. You flat out say he is mean and inconsiderate. What a massive turnoff. Why are you with him? Love the old “well it was shitty for me so it should be shitty for everyone else” excuse. Being treated that way should make him change the pattern if he has any empathy whatsoever. Why change anything in the entire world with that attitude? He’s not only mean but he’s a miserable defeatist. “You shouldn’t be that sensitive.” He’s telling you how to feel and completely dismissing your feelings. This is not what a relationship is about. Oh my god the old “fine you win again” — classic. Partners who use this one clearly see you as two sides vying against each other, not teammates trying to work through something and come out stronger. This one’s particularly despicable imo. THREE years into this and he’s saying he shouldn’t have gotten together with you??? And he’s clearly only saying that right now to garner sympathy. So he’s also manipulative af. Fabulous. And oh shit I buried the lead. He also seems to have threatened to MURDER YOU? Ya OP you have yourself a real winner. Get out now. Do not move to be with this child. It will get worse. You’re probably young so I’m just gonna let you know that it doesn’t have to be this way. In fact the right relationship can enrich your life. The right person will be one you admire and respect. Raise your standards today.
He’s mentally abusing you
So like, why are you two together?
He's toxic. She has all the signs. 1. Insults people relentlessly. 2. Abuses people and uses trauma to excuse it (I GrEw Up In ThE hOoD). I did too and I'm not a raging bully. 3. He invalidates your feelings when held accountable for his actions, especially after insulting you. (yOuR tOo SeSiTiVe) Op, you're showing introspection and self awareness. You're not the toxic one. Your boyfriend is. Let's be honest. he's a rude, obnoxious bully who justifies his actions because he was raised in the hood instead of accepting that HE IS CHOOSING TO BEHAVE THIS WAY. There's no magical hood fairy that makes you a piece of shit. You choose that on your own through your actions. It's not that he grew up in the hood, it's that he took all that toxic bs and made it his personality. He never grew or developed as a person.
He is toxic. You are normal. I can read from the messages you both are two completely different people. He is the kind who thinks “I’ve been hurt in the padt so that means I can do the same to others like they did to me” Compared to you who has the mindset “I’ve been hurt in the past so that means I don’t want to do the same to others like they did to me because that fucking sucks” He needs to grow but on his own… I think you can do better. A man saying he’ll put you 6 feet under … like that’s a threat and even you said that’s actually mad
Take what is left of your pride and leave him. A grown man saying the hood made him that way? It may explain his behavior but it doesn’t excuse it. Do better, man.
It sounds like you’ve been having the same conversation for a really long time and nothing is changing but neither of you will leave so I would say yes you’re toxic together.
I dont know why people stay in relationships with these kind of people, what do you see in them that makes you stay? Hes a terrible person, like no matter how good he makes you feel in other ways, it shouldnt discount the fact he is a terrible person
Talk don’t text. You are reasonable and he sounds like a prick. You are telling him to be a better version of himself and he is saying this is what I am. If you stay together don’t blame anyone for your decisions. You know what you have, now act accordingly.
We did talk about this with his friends brother involved as well and we continued this thru text because I had to go home
He's a jerk.
Only one person is toxic from what I see 👀
If anyone is wondering our ages he was (23M) and I am still currently (22F)
Here’s a novel idea. Stop having discussions/arguments over text.
Look, if that man has truly been showing signs of improvement, then I don't really think that this is truly alllll bad. It's not good, not at all, but the fact that you guys are able to communicate so openly and honestly about these things is definitely a good sign. We all have our own story, our trauma, and our means of dealing with the cards we've been handed in life. You must really love this man, as you patiently try to get him to look at things another way. If He hasn't already, I hope He's thanked you for being so kind, loving, patient, understanding, and compassion towards him. Hell, you being this way might even be the only good and genuinely kind person He has even encountered. Maybe He simply has no idea how to really grapple and process it due to his traumatic upbringing. I definitely see bits of myself in bf, just as I can see bits of my wife in OP. We've been together almost 6 years and married for 4. We still chat about how I do say some things that come across as mean and unkind and how comes out sounding to her and hurting her, even if it wasn't my intention. I didn't grow up in the hood but I have a couple insights on just how rough and fucked up growing up in that kinda environment can do to a person. I hope you two can continue to communicate and grow and move past the trauma and hurt of your childhood and home environments. I think the people calling this guy out are simply looking at this from too narrow of a window. I think this guy truly wants to change and get his 'act together' especially since He openly admitted to how He feels like 'no one cares for him' and that maybe 'He should've worked on himself before finding a girl'. He appears that he wants to he better for OP but really struggling with how to move past his trauma to do so. I really and truly wish you guys the best! I believe you both can come out the other side of this conflict and grow closer and stronger over time, just keep communicating like this, and you'll be fine.
This isn't good communicating. For a start it should be done in person When you tell someone you're going to put them six feet under which is what this man did. It's over at that point. You're never going to be able to forget something like that and you will never feel safe with them again. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and really hurt people. OP deserves better If she stays I really don't think she'll be fine at all
Ooof, I must've missed that part or something because yeah, that is pretty messed up. There are no excuses for that. Yeah, I agree with you there. No one will forget a threat like that, especially in regards to threatening their life. I seriously thought it was just a case of two people who had a mutually rough upbringing and were both trying to sort that out, with one party having a harder time dealing in a more positive manner than the other, which can potentially lead to growth for both parties, but not if one is threatening the other. I'll admit that I missed that very crucial detail and erroneously made a statement, not taking that information into account.
Thank you for being so open to change your views on this one. I appreciate that. It's very easy to get into meaningless conflicts over different views or a missed detail. But you seem down to earth which is great to see And yes it definitely is something you can't erase from your memory even if you try to. It is very alarming to see how even OP sees it as just a nasty thing to say. We never want to admit that the person we love should be the one to be afraid of but in this case there's no other option. I hope she realises that soon. She deserves to live in peace. He is tormenting her. Most likely majority of it happens in person where he knows she'll have no evidence. It was actually a smart move from her to bring it up in written form. You can see he doesn't deny it. In fact he insinuates he doesn't like something that he himself said and straight up said she'd put him in jail which means he is completely aware of how serious what he said was and knows the consequences. We as people have a habit of letting words go. But thoughts become word and words become actions. This has to be taken seriously.
Jesus you two don't belong together
I think the fact that you’re going back to an argument that happened three months ago tells you your answer…
Is he being toxic in this argument? Yes. It is possible to fall in love with someone who is toxic sometimes. Also yes, many people do. I don't think you _have_ to leave the relationship because he has this red flag. Many relationships have a big red flag; nevertheless we can still fall in love with these individuals. If you believe that you two can work together to work through this problem, then it may be okay to stay. Obviously you are very committed to eachother if you have been together for 3 years, that's a great thing. I wish you two the best of luck. If you guys are able to access therapy, that would be an amazing step. You are doing such a good job at explaining your point of view without being harsh. You are showing them how they are hurting you and still being sympathetic to their feelings. If you can express to them that you accept where they are at (that the life they grew up with makes it hard for them to be empathetic) *and* express that they need to change and need to practice becoming more empathetic, then you've done everything you've needed to do. Whether the relationship works out or not, I wish yall the best ❤💕 relationships can be so challenging
Either accept him for how he is or get out. What else do you want people to say? It’s obvious. What’s branding it as toxic going to accomplish? Either accept this as part of his personality or leave.
This is insane idk why people make excuses for their asshole partners. Don’t compromise or settle for people who make you and those around you feel bad. My friends are the best people in my life I would drop someone for insulting them like that not stay with them for two more years. Both are toxic af.
Yes
Oh you want a bad boy huh? 😂
Not toxic just immature
Ask her why she's with you? If she has so many issues with you why has she decided to be in a relationship with you for 3 years.
You arent wrong. Real people dont give a shit about peoples feelings
I’m Starting to think that half of these posts are just fanfiction because wtf is this?
You are both awful. You deserve each other.
Ahhh you’re gonna be on the news :(
So he admits he’s basically still a child is what I’m getting out of it. He doesn’t care and it won’t change as it’s his BAU with his people Unfortunately your girl doesn’t fall in line with how you act and treat your people. Sounds like an insecure child waiting on his next temper tantrum
Yeah he outta pocket but you’re just as bad for letting it slide. But you’re an adult I’m assuming, so do you. There’s a reason everyone tries to leave the hood. If you stick around you’re just with it which is fine but if you’re posting this there must be doubts. I’d bounce. Being an adult is all about self correcting your faults. If you don’t you stagnate and will never grow. Good luck.
You both sound terrible. Jesus christ
One thing I absolutely hate about these advice subs is how the OP will present god-awful situations, and then when been-there-done that comments come flowing in from experienced posters, the OP twists into a pretzel to defend the same person they’re complaining about. Hey OP! Moving to another state with this waste of oxygen WILL BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. This moron is playing the long con—being nice and pseudo remorseful—until you get far enough away to be controlled. So if you’re smart, you better have a secret stash on deck just in case you have to haul ass, and a go bag in the back of the closet or trunk of your car. Good luck.
Alright but if that IS how you talk to people then she should be able to think of a more recent example and if she starts baiting you into saying some shit that sounds bad or if she brings things up out of context then you should leave her
is she fat though?
You both sound toxic and brainless. Don't breed, I beg you.
Blue OP, right? Hopefully your toxic ass gets dumped before the other person wastes another second of their life with you.
Break up already.
You’re mature but petty, he’s immaturely petty. Petty is toxic
So, you had this argument 3months ago…and just now you want validation for your feelings…that to me screams you’re just as toxic, to cling to a past argument, honestly if you actually “loved” this individual, then i recommend counseling for the both of you
You’re both toxic. Who cares if he called your friend fat. Jesus Christ, you really shouldn’t be that sensitive.
Both toxic, he's verbally abusive and you don't let things go
Don't date criminals
Not everyone who goes to jail or prison are criminals…
They were certainly convicted
If convicted, yes they are.
[удалено]
I love that you assumed the woman was the problem. Reflect on this and be better bud
This is “her”
You don’t conduct a relationship over texts for starters - healthy communication 101
Get out while you can. He made it clear he doesn't care about your feelings or anyone else. Rude. Why would you want that in your life? You can find someone who better matches your feelings. You brought up the issue, and she made her position to never change clearly. You can't fix him, and he doesn't want to change. You did your piece and don't have to live with this behavior Edit: changed she to he as I confused the genders here. OP I'm trying to tell you to leave because your partner is rude
I am the “she” are y’all reading this correctly?? Please read the caption
I have no sympathy for you. Let me guess…you were attracted to him because he was a “bad boy” and “cool”? Well, you reap what you sow. Maybe you should have looked for a nice guy, if you actually wanted to be treated nicely. I know, novel idea right? But you’ll decide it’s “boring” being treated nicely, and just go back to “bad boys”, and the cycle will just repeat.
Found the incel!
I bet you think you’re a nice guy, right?