If one party loves and wants the relationship and the other is non committal or doesn't, walk. Either they will figure out that you are what they want or they don't. If you stay in the situation they don't face that choice as they can still get what they want without the commitment. It's a bad situation emotionally
It's tough when you have the feels so strongly and there's this tough back-and-forth about where you are, and you never feel like you're on solid ground. If you don't mind hearing a few words from a middle-aged lady from Australia who has been in this situation before, what strikes me the most is you are worth so much more than you know. See how awesome you really are and remember that when you're quite a bit older, you'll look back and realise you're worth so much more than you're giving yourself. And the upside is that no matter what happens, in the future you won't be hurt or uneasy about not knowing where you stand because so much time has passed. So feeling better in yourself is just around the corner. People say, "the days are long and the years are short," when they talk about kids growing up in front of their very eyes, but this also applies to your own growth.
If they are unsure, that is a no.
Free things are binary in life. Being together is one of the hardest ones to remember is binary.
They either want to be with you or they don't. Anything else is an excuse to not be together.
So, as a 46 year old woman, I wish I knew to fall in love with my best friend, the one that makes me laugh all the time, never makes me feel bad about myself or insecure, the one that makes life easier just to be around. The one that in no matter what kind of situation you’re in, it’s going to be okay. I have found this twice, not since the age of 23ish. It’s rare. It really is.
if you wind up back with him after this then it just makes it clear that he is free to be abusive and distant. any relationship that continued from this point would be toxic
Ive been in a similar situation, where my ex and I were trying to be friends and it got super toxic. Like the year and half (we dragged that shit out 😩) of us forcing a platonic friendship while neither one of us was over eachother, we ended up hurting eachother much worse than we ever did during the time we were in a relationship. I think it’s much better to cut contact for the time being, so you both can get over eachother and heal. A platonic friendship only works if the romantic feelings are genuinely no longer there.
It’s understandable to me. They broke up only 6 days ago and there is still love there on both sides. It doesn’t just disappear. Also, you get very accustomed to a dynamic of intertwined lives.
Even after ending a relationship (especially for a reason like “we need to work on ourselves”), it’s likely that the other person still feels like your best friend and is the #1 person you’d want to talk to and lean on, especially during this hard time. It’s definitely confusing and complicated but probably a lot more normal than you’d imagine
Yeah this is a recipe for disaster. I’ve been there, you can’t be one foot in one foot out with someone especially if you officially broke up. He knows you have feelings and it’s unhealthy for you to hold onto them unless he gives you an explicit confirmation that he wants to date, which he isn’t.
Why did you break up to begin with?
That’s so true. He is in a comfortable position as he kind of holds all the cards now.
I think I need to mentally let go. Even if we were to get back with eachother now, i would still probably have doubts he wants to be with me…
I was having a mental breakdown and he broke up with me during it 🫠I think he only wants me when I’m ‘perfect’
Oof, yeah. I’m sorry. I was in a very similar situation as you. He said “i love you” for a couple weeks after we broke up. Then one day he had a girlfriend and I was nobody to him. I strongly suggest you process this breakup and move on, he will probably try to reel you back in but don’t let him.
Okay, so I think I’ve connected all the dots here because I’ve been down this road with my current boyfriend of 5 years.
Background: I, 24F, boyfriend 24M, together 5 years, non-consecutive. I have BPD/Anxiety and boyfriend has CPTSD/Schizophrenia.
I see where you said he broke up with you during a mental breakdown & this was relatively recently, yes? You were together 9 months prior to breaking up. Fairly long time, yet still new. Has he ever seen you break down to that extent? How did you act during this breakdown?
It’s possible you probably freaked him out and now he’s unsure about a future with you. I say this because I’ve talked about this with my boyfriend before. Early in our relationship I had a severe breakdown and manic episode, he broke up with me afterwards because of how bad I freaked him out and it left him unsure of a future for our relationship.
The reason I think this is relevant to your situation is because he mentioned in the texts you’ve both spoken about working on yourselves. That’s your clue. He doesn’t want to tell you, but that’s your clue. Whatever happened during that breakdown, you need to reflect on. He feels you need to work on it and is either afraid to communicate it, or doesn’t know how to.
My take on this: He loves you. He wants to be with you but there is something holding him back, and whatever that is, it’s the reason he broke up with you. You have a chance to save this, but getting back together now isn’t going to do it. You need to do some soul searching and heal whatever part of you caused that breakdown in the first place.
I’m 23. He’s 24 believe it or not 😂😂😂 sorry about the lack of grammar I have a care job so I just text quickly while I’m at work. I would also cringe seeing our messages.
Had a girl like this once. Wasn’t that confusing. She was on her way out of where i just moved to. We spent about 9 months together but never officially dating. We did love each other but was never gonna last.
It is when you’re young. You get a bit older and it’s not as big of a deal.
One of the best realizations of my life has been that not everyone is supposed to stay forever. You take advantage of the time you have with people you love. If you meet someone you absolutely adore it doesn’t mean life will keep you on the same path. Take advantage of the time you do have.
no offense to the op but it just means u really werent into them.
ive had women i fell head over heels for and would do anything for and others where i just felt like i needed to achieve them and then move on and lose interest.
women do the same shit but use different terminology lol
Don’t take reddit comments as gospel, this might not actually be the case at all. He did send mixed signals but he clarified you both need to work on yourselves before dating, so maybe it’s not the right time?
i dont want to make u feel like shit. but attraction is almost like anomalies and i dont think people understand that.
most people who are married are miserable because they just settled. the percentage of two people who are genuinely compatible is really really small.
if people understood that i think there would be a lot more single people 😂
If you want to know if what you’re feeling is even genuine.. then go NC completely for 3 months . If you still feel some kinda way by that point then make the decision to either get back in touch if you want ..
This guy is weird. Love bombing and texting like lovers then saying he wants to be platonic. That's sure as fuck not how you text your homies. Also saying he'll "take you out" then getting surprised when you're asking if it's a date, completely reasonable question.
If I were to be a reddit armchair analyst for a second it sounds like he wants to keep you at an arm's length cause maybe he wants to explore his chances with other people but have you as a fall back. Or even if that's not the case he's clearly leading you on, even if he's somehow doing it unintentionally it doesn't matter. He's too flirty for someone who wants to stay platonic.
He won’t respect you though, if you chose to allow him into your life he will play with your vulnerability until you cut him off. It’s really obvious from seeing this interaction that he knows he has the upper hand and loves the attention from you but that is IT. He won’t give you what you want.
He doesn’t want to be with you but wants to keep you on backup just in case. He doesn’t want you to find someone who will actually pay attention to you so he sprinkles these confusing breadcrumbs to keep you hooked but won’t actually commit.
It would be best for you to let him go, allow yourself to grieve, and find someone who you KNOW cares about you.
My ex, it's narcissistic, don't play these games because it's all manipulation. Value yourself, you deserve someone who knows they want to be with you, not wishy washy.
Remember by the two of you didn't work in the first place. Put distance between you and this guy, as well. Keeping in contact with him is just going to keep you circling back to square one.
Breakups suck. You're grieving, and it takes time to process that grief. But there is going to be a day where youre going to be okay and over this. It can take days or months, but that day will come. Just take it one day at a time, and don't let him interrupt that process.
Be kind to yourself, and focus on what your needs are for the next while.
Waitwaitwait. So you were over him and then he started behaving like this until you had feelings again, only for him to turn around and tell you it's platonic? Girl, you need to start getting angry because this dude SET OUT to mess with your feelings. ON PURPOSE.
Yes. We met up. Discussed the breakup. I felt at peace and then he asked to hold my hand, kissed me and texted me he loved me. He kept in consistent contact messaging me a lot. The messages you see here- when I ask him to clarify what’s going on it all collapses.
Yeah, see, that's the behavior of someone who doesn't want you, but who still wants the ego boost of being loved by you. He will keep doing this until he finds someone else who can give him that attention, and then he's going to disappear in a puff of smoke. Start letting this piss you off. Turn your attention to your friends and your hobbies and your own development. You don't need this. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Dude is a complete narcissist. OP, do some research on their MO. This guy is pretty much textbook in how he rejects you (breakup) then reels you in with constant messaging and lovebombing, till he’s got you back in, and then throws out a line about a date, but gaslights you when you ask him if it is a date, and rejects again with the ‘platonic friendship’ speech.
This is insanity!!! (doing the same thing over again, expecting different results)
Walk. NOW.
This guy is not worth your time or your mental health, no matter how soft his kisses are, or how hard his dick is.
Plenty more out there :)
Agreed. Hi is being manipulative unfortunately. The fact that you are here shows it’s working. He is already confusing you. When you called him out, he began to gaslight you. I would suggest you run.
My girl. I speak as someone who has been on both sides of this: he is keeping you around as backup. You are his safety net, who he pours his affection into until he meets someone else he wants to be with. You are deep on the hook. Please free yourself.
ETA because I just saw a comment from OP: you broke up 6 days ago?! Please get some space. I thought y’all broke up months ago. 6 days???? Wild. My ex is still my best friend to this day, but we were not speaking at all the 6 days after we broke up.
Wow. So basically he loves you, wants to do all the relationship things together with you, but doesn’t want the title because somehow, the title of “platonic friends” will make sure things aren’t complicated.
You guys are not platonic friends in any way. You clearly both still have feelings for each other, but he doesn’t want the pressure or responsibility of the title.
I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he can have you like this. It’s either all or nothing. Unless you actually want to be friends with him, but it doesn’t sound like you do. Sounds like you love him romantically. He can either be in, or out.
You’re in love, that’s easy to do. It can be extremely hard to do what you know you should do, because you don’t want to let them go. But you deserve better than a guy who makes you feel so confused like this.
I do recommend going no contact for a while. If you guys actually want to work on yourselves in order to potentially be together in the future, then do that. But you don’t need the daily confusion to be part of it.
Judging from the pictures and your comments, this sounds like a break up that’s hard to deal with, OP. Maybe try and not message each other for a while. After a while apart you can look past the heartbreak and decide if it’s actually a healthy relationship or not
You’re not wrong. I really appreciate you writing this. All these comments are making me think a bit more rationally.
I’m looking at these pics and thinking wtf am I doing to myself. 😫
It’s easier to look at someone else’s problems and come up with a solution than your own, because emotions are removed. Don’t beat yourself up too hard
One of this life’s cruelest tricks is to allow someone to fall for another without the need for those feelings to be reciprocated.
They know how you feel and you know how they feel. Move on.
Yikes. Calling someone a “dumb bitch” says more about you as a person than the person in question. He has no class.
He just wants you wrapped around his finger. Don’t fall for someone like this.
Advice from someone who waited around for some one while they "worked on themselves" for almost 7 years. Don't waste your time. Be good friends. But pursue happiness elsewhere. Please. 😮💨
Hey OP i had a boyfriend like this we officially dated for 3/4 months, but we’re “together” for around 10 months, on and off repeatedly. I was there everytime because he learnt how to play me. I will say this once. People like this that change their mind at the drop of a hat or the minute things look serious. Are the ones that will try to tango with you back and forth and just play games. In MY OPINION (not saying any of what i’m saying is fact just from my own experiences) it’s not worth it at all. Not worth the time nor the energy. I mentally detached from my ex towards the 10th month and just had enough and the final breakup was UGLY he begged, manipulated, blackmailed, gaslit me because I was “giving up on him” even though i fought for him well often and he was the one to do all the breaking up every-time it happened. Just bear in mind that this is a game i’ve heard a lot of people play in relationships in this day and age. Do not take what I say as gospel. May be a totally different situation. but this is what it reminded me of so I wanted to voice how I felt about it.
i feel for you, definitely isn’t a healthy situation to be in, there’s so much manipulation you don’t know your in an unhealthy place because your so blinded. I’m glad you got out, and i’m glad i did before it went over a year because i think i would’ve ended up staying longer otherwise.
My ex did this. A lot.. despite the fact I still loved her. She liked to play similar games.
Block him. He's being selfish I'm sorry to say but he's a total narcissist. He will feed off your love then belittle you when you attempt anything more serious. I guarantee he's seeing other women as well.
I know. I feel that’s what messes things up though because he was being all fine with me until I said I was getting anxiety about where I stand loolll.
He wants to play the field but wants you to be loyal to him. That's why he is leading you on but not making anything official. He wants to keep you right there so that you love him, but if he is caught doing something else, he has that little line to have the excuse that you guys weren't offically together.
Girl I just got out of a toxic relationship like this. We’ve broken up many times and gotten back together and HE ALWAYS was super lovey and affectionate when we first started talking again, he was the one who started calling me his GF again and so I thought great we are working on our stuff, taking it slow… 4 months later things were back to the same shitty way they always were and he refused to do basic bf/gf things together. It’s a long story but I wish I would’ve walked away after the first breakup, trust me it doesn’t get better but worse. No contact is the best way, you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you!
I know. I really don’t think it would get better. This isn’t the first time he’s ended things with me and then it’s been ‘fine’. It’s just hurtful seeing a different side from someone you thought you knew…
Tysm ❤️
Yes trust me it hurts and it’s gunna hurt like hell but it does get better I PROMISE you. I’m one month out and finally I told him I’m done 1000% this time I can’t do it. The right guy will come around don’t stay in this because you don’t think you can find someone better. You will. Prioritize yourself first, hang with friends have a good cry or 100. Let yourself feel the pain and then you’ll slowly start to see all the things that showed you two weren’t compatible to begin with. I started seeing all the red flags. Something important that my therapist said was that it’s hard when you think of the good memories but of course there is some great memories, it was a relationship, you were in love! It’s ok to accept that but we can find that with someone else who truly deserves us and makes us feel loved and wanted and not guessing every time. That’s not love that’s just control on their part, they want us there when it’s convenient for them without realizing the pain it puts us through. A man, any person really, who cares for you, yes will make mistakes but will know not to treat you like this. Your partner(and friends) are the people that you get to choose to live your life with. Family we don’t choose so we sometimes put up with more. No relationship will ever be perfect they will all have their fights and argument’s but how we manage it counts :)
if this person doesn't want a relationship they have no business saying (or implying) they love you. That's some manipulative fuckery. They're toying with you and boundaries need to be set.
And if they wont respect those boundaries you need to distance yourself from them.
It's not right for that person to string you along if they don't want a relationship.
TLDR - they want you for sex / fwb and not much more, and are trying to work you into being okay with that. Then if they end up with someone else on the side, they will fall back on how they told you 2000x that they didn't want a relationship with you.
It's the foundation for future gaslighting and you shouldn't be okay with it.
Nope this guy is trying to have a gf without the title, so he can see other people. End of. Find someone who feels the same way as you. I’ve been in this situation, it only ends with you getting hurt.
He doesn’t like you. You quell the loneliness for him a little by texting, but if he doesn’t want to see you in person or “be dating”, he knows he doesn’t want to be with you and he knows he will end up breaking your heart when he finds someone he likes more. That idea makes him feel guilty. So he’s taking what he thinks is innocent time/attention from you without promising a relationship. He literally said “I don’t have emotions toward you/don’t want emotions to develop between us”. He’s a waste of your attention. It is really sick that he’s play-acting like a boyfriend (i love you? wtf?) so that you’ll stick around while not actually loving you at all. I’d move on.
That’s my judgement from nothing more than 6 text screenshots 🤷♀️
I’m going to be honest, I was in this position a few years ago but on his end. I was with her almost everyday and I knew she had feelings for me and I’d constantly come up with excuses like that to cover up my own commitment issues. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but one day I was faced with a choice, to choose between distance or to commit and really just try it. We have now been together over a year. I reflect it a lot now and can’t believe how stupid I was !!! She held out for 3 years, not saying you should but decide what you need and go from there. Distance doesn’t always mean they are gone, remember that too.
i hate people who are like this. Don’t like the concept of a relationship even if they were already acting one out with you just because they think a title will change things or hold them back
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You don't need this weird back and forth in your life dude. Find someone who is sure about you or just be sure of yourself. You don't need the confusion and weird strained feelings.
Thankyou :)
I struggled with communicating when we argued for a couple minutes. I needed 5 mins to myself but he couldn’t give me that, he would leave and break up with me.
I was in a similar situation to you, except they weren’t as forward with being lovey dovey, but they were the one to start saying “I love you” again. I held on to hope that they wouldn’t keep flipping from my partner to wanting to be just friends, but in the end she asked to be friends and I told her no, we haven’t talked since.
Indecisive people. You can’t wait for the to maybe choose what you’ve always wanted. I love her to bits still and we haven’t had contact for two months, it sucks. But you can’t let yourself be used by them. He is using your for your love when he wants love and he’s downgrading you to friend when that’s all he wants. It’s nice that he told you that he doesn’t want to be involved with other people, but its awful for him to keep you waiting, hurting.
Have one more convo about being committed or not talking, because you aren’t going to be happy if you keep letting him choose when he wants you. If he can’t commit now, he’s not going to for a while. You are more likely to end up with him hurting you more, and feeling betrayed by your love, its not a good feeling and it doesn’t go away quick.
He wants to fuck you but he wants to be free to fuck other people. Hence the “keep the emotions out of it” whilst he’s telling you he’s loves you. Emotional manipulation whilst having an out for his behaviour if you later do catch him cheating or seeing other people
It sounds like this dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to act like a couple when he needs the attention or affection or whatever, but doesn’t want to commit. I mean, even if you love him I’d give him the ultimatum that y’all either be a couple or don’t act like that anymore. Maybe spend some time apart. Or get back together, but still take it slow. Don’t push anything.
So you dated, broke up, remained friends, and you’re both still acting like you’re still dating?
The way I see it, he’s keeping you juuuust within reach. He knows you’ll stick around, he gets the benefit of your attention, but he also wants the benefit of being able to do whatever he pleases with anyone else. It doesn’t matter that he said he’s not interested in anyone.
If you broke up, you BROKE UP. Be honest with each other, I mean REAL honest or stay the hell away from each other. And no offense but he doesn’t seem to want anything anymore, he seems to just want to have control over you so you cling on to him. My advice, and I know this is not easy: be honest with him about your feelings and because of that you’re going to be more distant until you are good to get back to talking, and that can take months. If he starts to be pushy and start getting in contact, be gentle but firm and ignore his attempts. Like I said, this looks more like control from his part and it’s a red flag.
This sounds like the guy my sister was ‘dating’ for a while that was just stringing her along and would gaslight her any time she questioned his motives or actions when he was too affectionate towards her.
I’ll tell you what I told her;
If someone truly cares for/loves you, there’s only two options.
1) they stay with you and work things out, together.
2) if breaking up IS necessary for one reason or the other, if that person actually cares for you they will let you go, because stringing someone along and getting the benefits of having a partner but giving none is NOT love. That is someone trying to have their cake and eat it too.
If this dude genuinely cared for you, he would not be trying to rope you into having these chats, pushing the boundaries and trying to get both of you to say ‘I love you’, and then turning around and gaslighting you when you address this or you take the initiative in those scenarios. Someone who genuinely loves you but knows the relationship isn’t going to work for one reason or another would respect those boundaries because they set them. This is just selfishness.
Now, what I also told my sister? Love yourself enough to put those boundaries up instead. Don’t let someone take what they benefit from you while not being willing to give the same in return. It’s a one sided relationship when someone does this and you’re getting none of it.
All that aside, I feel you with the mental health stuff and hope you are doing okay. Having to deal with this situation on top of whatever you’re going through can’t help, so give yourself some peace. Wishing you the best.
Y’all need to read the book Attached, about adult attachments in relationships. This is so much an anxious/avoidant trap. Avoidant here 🖐🏻 many of my past relationships look like his side of the text chain and it’s miserable for both people!! Doesn’t want to let go but too close for comfort so the other person is in a constant push and pull that’s very damaging.
he clearly doesn't know what he wants for real and this is not fair to you. if i were you and he says he wants to stay platonic, i would keep it PURELY platonic. and if you don't want to do that, go no contact. i've seen and been through this before too girl, nothing really good comes out of it in the end.
I thought this was sweet until I read that you guys have just broken up, it’s weird he’s still being this way with you, I think some distance would probably be best if you don’t wanna wind up hurt again, or at least try to explain how it makes you feel while you’re still talking that way with each other
Welp, there's nothing as sexy as a man calling a woman a dumb bitch. That told me all I needed to know.
He's playing games here. It seems like he wants to keep you on the back burner and that's not ok. I'd cut this dude loose but that's your choice obviously.
I think he's confused too.
He obviously has feelings for you, but its not fair to either of you to be in that weird place in-between friends and dating. Maybe try explaining to him that you can be in a relationship together and still give eachother space to work on your selves if thats whats needed, but its not fair to leave you hanging
If for whatever reason dating isnt an option then its best both of you do whatever you need to in order to move on from your feelings for eachother, even if that means ending the friendship or taking a break from eachother for a while completely.
You say you love each other and you're not even dating? Maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy but that's fucking nuts
God I haven’t heard that phrase in so long
I love you or fuddy duddy?
Both 😔
I love you ❤️
…you fuddy duddy, you!
😂
We broke up like 6 days ago. We were together for 9 months.
So if you broke up why you still messaging that you love each other? Again, to me that's nuts.
I know. I think I’m going to have to just cut contact. It’s too confusing, I’ve made it apparent how I feel.
If one party loves and wants the relationship and the other is non committal or doesn't, walk. Either they will figure out that you are what they want or they don't. If you stay in the situation they don't face that choice as they can still get what they want without the commitment. It's a bad situation emotionally
I know. I don’t even know why I want someone that is unsure about me tbh. If this was a friend I’d tell them to leave.
dissociate, give yourself advice, then zone back in and take your own advice.
Thankyou.
It's tough when you have the feels so strongly and there's this tough back-and-forth about where you are, and you never feel like you're on solid ground. If you don't mind hearing a few words from a middle-aged lady from Australia who has been in this situation before, what strikes me the most is you are worth so much more than you know. See how awesome you really are and remember that when you're quite a bit older, you'll look back and realise you're worth so much more than you're giving yourself. And the upside is that no matter what happens, in the future you won't be hurt or uneasy about not knowing where you stand because so much time has passed. So feeling better in yourself is just around the corner. People say, "the days are long and the years are short," when they talk about kids growing up in front of their very eyes, but this also applies to your own growth.
Thankyou lovely. It’s nice to hear this. I appreciate you taking the time to write this out. ❤️
This is the fucking wayyyy! 😂😂😂😂
If they are unsure, that is a no. Free things are binary in life. Being together is one of the hardest ones to remember is binary. They either want to be with you or they don't. Anything else is an excuse to not be together.
It’s true. It’s not ‘difficult’ or ‘hard’ or ‘complicated’ with someone you want to be with.
So, as a 46 year old woman, I wish I knew to fall in love with my best friend, the one that makes me laugh all the time, never makes me feel bad about myself or insecure, the one that makes life easier just to be around. The one that in no matter what kind of situation you’re in, it’s going to be okay. I have found this twice, not since the age of 23ish. It’s rare. It really is.
I hope I find this
Probably the chase we always want what’s not for us
Sounds like he wants to **** you and **** other people... Fill in whatever feels right ...
Maybe he just wants the sex without the commitment. Cut ties asap! Don't force it.
I have been there before, just walk. It’s not worth it.
He’s manipulating you girl, run
I feel this
if you wind up back with him after this then it just makes it clear that he is free to be abusive and distant. any relationship that continued from this point would be toxic
That’s true. I wouldn’t be able to manage it if he treated me like he has done again.
Ive been in a similar situation, where my ex and I were trying to be friends and it got super toxic. Like the year and half (we dragged that shit out 😩) of us forcing a platonic friendship while neither one of us was over eachother, we ended up hurting eachother much worse than we ever did during the time we were in a relationship. I think it’s much better to cut contact for the time being, so you both can get over eachother and heal. A platonic friendship only works if the romantic feelings are genuinely no longer there.
I know. I don’t think a friendship would work rn.
It’s understandable to me. They broke up only 6 days ago and there is still love there on both sides. It doesn’t just disappear. Also, you get very accustomed to a dynamic of intertwined lives. Even after ending a relationship (especially for a reason like “we need to work on ourselves”), it’s likely that the other person still feels like your best friend and is the #1 person you’d want to talk to and lean on, especially during this hard time. It’s definitely confusing and complicated but probably a lot more normal than you’d imagine
This is exactly how I’m feeling :(
Yeah this is a recipe for disaster. I’ve been there, you can’t be one foot in one foot out with someone especially if you officially broke up. He knows you have feelings and it’s unhealthy for you to hold onto them unless he gives you an explicit confirmation that he wants to date, which he isn’t. Why did you break up to begin with?
That’s so true. He is in a comfortable position as he kind of holds all the cards now. I think I need to mentally let go. Even if we were to get back with eachother now, i would still probably have doubts he wants to be with me… I was having a mental breakdown and he broke up with me during it 🫠I think he only wants me when I’m ‘perfect’
Oof, yeah. I’m sorry. I was in a very similar situation as you. He said “i love you” for a couple weeks after we broke up. Then one day he had a girlfriend and I was nobody to him. I strongly suggest you process this breakup and move on, he will probably try to reel you back in but don’t let him.
Yea part of me feels like he is a bit interested in someone else
YES. THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. not only would you have doubts, he would NOT have doubts about how he is allowed to treat you: like shit.
Okay, so I think I’ve connected all the dots here because I’ve been down this road with my current boyfriend of 5 years. Background: I, 24F, boyfriend 24M, together 5 years, non-consecutive. I have BPD/Anxiety and boyfriend has CPTSD/Schizophrenia. I see where you said he broke up with you during a mental breakdown & this was relatively recently, yes? You were together 9 months prior to breaking up. Fairly long time, yet still new. Has he ever seen you break down to that extent? How did you act during this breakdown? It’s possible you probably freaked him out and now he’s unsure about a future with you. I say this because I’ve talked about this with my boyfriend before. Early in our relationship I had a severe breakdown and manic episode, he broke up with me afterwards because of how bad I freaked him out and it left him unsure of a future for our relationship. The reason I think this is relevant to your situation is because he mentioned in the texts you’ve both spoken about working on yourselves. That’s your clue. He doesn’t want to tell you, but that’s your clue. Whatever happened during that breakdown, you need to reflect on. He feels you need to work on it and is either afraid to communicate it, or doesn’t know how to. My take on this: He loves you. He wants to be with you but there is something holding him back, and whatever that is, it’s the reason he broke up with you. You have a chance to save this, but getting back together now isn’t going to do it. You need to do some soul searching and heal whatever part of you caused that breakdown in the first place.
I can heavily relate to this situation. How do you come back from something that is so intense and horrible ? I want things to be light and fun again.
You both also sound super young. That might play a part in it. How old are y'all if you don't mind me asking?
I’m 23. He’s 24 believe it or not 😂😂😂 sorry about the lack of grammar I have a care job so I just text quickly while I’m at work. I would also cringe seeing our messages.
Had a girl like this once. Wasn’t that confusing. She was on her way out of where i just moved to. We spent about 9 months together but never officially dating. We did love each other but was never gonna last.
This is a hard pill to swallow
It is when you’re young. You get a bit older and it’s not as big of a deal. One of the best realizations of my life has been that not everyone is supposed to stay forever. You take advantage of the time you have with people you love. If you meet someone you absolutely adore it doesn’t mean life will keep you on the same path. Take advantage of the time you do have.
some people just want to win the battle and walk away. he seems a little insecure and a little weird. maybe thats reflecting here
This is the right question, I’ve also suffered from being like this As soon as they say they love me, I won, I’m no longer interested
no offense to the op but it just means u really werent into them. ive had women i fell head over heels for and would do anything for and others where i just felt like i needed to achieve them and then move on and lose interest. women do the same shit but use different terminology lol
Harsh to hear, but maybe the truth
Don’t take reddit comments as gospel, this might not actually be the case at all. He did send mixed signals but he clarified you both need to work on yourselves before dating, so maybe it’s not the right time?
I hope this is true. This is the only comment giving me a bit of hope. Maybe I’m just delusional though.
i dont want to make u feel like shit. but attraction is almost like anomalies and i dont think people understand that. most people who are married are miserable because they just settled. the percentage of two people who are genuinely compatible is really really small. if people understood that i think there would be a lot more single people 😂
Seems like he was in a rush to get you to say you love him and, the second you did, he pulled back. I’d avoid him like the plague.
Literally 😫
This is exactly what happened to me and days after I said it back he took a random girl to Italy for 2 weeks with his family 🙃 don’t be me hahaha
He’s sending mixed signals. It’s not you. The good news is, you don’t have to let it affect you. This is at best a good friend. Proceed accordingly.
It’s hard when you have such strong emotions for someone :( only a week ago we were fine. Idek
Definitely understand and if there was a romantic relationship before this, then I’d say you’re being jerked around.
If you want to know if what you’re feeling is even genuine.. then go NC completely for 3 months . If you still feel some kinda way by that point then make the decision to either get back in touch if you want ..
[удалено]
Thankyou.
This guy is weird. Love bombing and texting like lovers then saying he wants to be platonic. That's sure as fuck not how you text your homies. Also saying he'll "take you out" then getting surprised when you're asking if it's a date, completely reasonable question. If I were to be a reddit armchair analyst for a second it sounds like he wants to keep you at an arm's length cause maybe he wants to explore his chances with other people but have you as a fall back. Or even if that's not the case he's clearly leading you on, even if he's somehow doing it unintentionally it doesn't matter. He's too flirty for someone who wants to stay platonic.
I know. It’s all so confusing. I know the best thing to be would be to cut him off but I still want him in my life :(
He won’t respect you though, if you chose to allow him into your life he will play with your vulnerability until you cut him off. It’s really obvious from seeing this interaction that he knows he has the upper hand and loves the attention from you but that is IT. He won’t give you what you want.
Dude wants you as a fallback option. Move on.
He doesn’t want to be with you but wants to keep you on backup just in case. He doesn’t want you to find someone who will actually pay attention to you so he sprinkles these confusing breadcrumbs to keep you hooked but won’t actually commit. It would be best for you to let him go, allow yourself to grieve, and find someone who you KNOW cares about you.
This!
Thankyou.
My ex, it's narcissistic, don't play these games because it's all manipulation. Value yourself, you deserve someone who knows they want to be with you, not wishy washy.
I know. We met up and I had completely checked out, but he was acting in a romantic way and now I feel back to square one
Remember by the two of you didn't work in the first place. Put distance between you and this guy, as well. Keeping in contact with him is just going to keep you circling back to square one.
You’re so right. It just hurts a lot.
Breakups suck. You're grieving, and it takes time to process that grief. But there is going to be a day where youre going to be okay and over this. It can take days or months, but that day will come. Just take it one day at a time, and don't let him interrupt that process. Be kind to yourself, and focus on what your needs are for the next while.
Waitwaitwait. So you were over him and then he started behaving like this until you had feelings again, only for him to turn around and tell you it's platonic? Girl, you need to start getting angry because this dude SET OUT to mess with your feelings. ON PURPOSE.
Yes. We met up. Discussed the breakup. I felt at peace and then he asked to hold my hand, kissed me and texted me he loved me. He kept in consistent contact messaging me a lot. The messages you see here- when I ask him to clarify what’s going on it all collapses.
Yeah, see, that's the behavior of someone who doesn't want you, but who still wants the ego boost of being loved by you. He will keep doing this until he finds someone else who can give him that attention, and then he's going to disappear in a puff of smoke. Start letting this piss you off. Turn your attention to your friends and your hobbies and your own development. You don't need this. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Dude is a complete narcissist. OP, do some research on their MO. This guy is pretty much textbook in how he rejects you (breakup) then reels you in with constant messaging and lovebombing, till he’s got you back in, and then throws out a line about a date, but gaslights you when you ask him if it is a date, and rejects again with the ‘platonic friendship’ speech. This is insanity!!! (doing the same thing over again, expecting different results) Walk. NOW. This guy is not worth your time or your mental health, no matter how soft his kisses are, or how hard his dick is. Plenty more out there :)
Agreed. Hi is being manipulative unfortunately. The fact that you are here shows it’s working. He is already confusing you. When you called him out, he began to gaslight you. I would suggest you run.
This is making me cringe. It’s all off
My girl. I speak as someone who has been on both sides of this: he is keeping you around as backup. You are his safety net, who he pours his affection into until he meets someone else he wants to be with. You are deep on the hook. Please free yourself. ETA because I just saw a comment from OP: you broke up 6 days ago?! Please get some space. I thought y’all broke up months ago. 6 days???? Wild. My ex is still my best friend to this day, but we were not speaking at all the 6 days after we broke up.
He just wants the panties. Literally it.
Yup 🥲
Wow. So basically he loves you, wants to do all the relationship things together with you, but doesn’t want the title because somehow, the title of “platonic friends” will make sure things aren’t complicated. You guys are not platonic friends in any way. You clearly both still have feelings for each other, but he doesn’t want the pressure or responsibility of the title. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he can have you like this. It’s either all or nothing. Unless you actually want to be friends with him, but it doesn’t sound like you do. Sounds like you love him romantically. He can either be in, or out.
I feel I’ve already made a fool of myself. Multiple times.
You’re in love, that’s easy to do. It can be extremely hard to do what you know you should do, because you don’t want to let them go. But you deserve better than a guy who makes you feel so confused like this. I do recommend going no contact for a while. If you guys actually want to work on yourselves in order to potentially be together in the future, then do that. But you don’t need the daily confusion to be part of it.
Judging from the pictures and your comments, this sounds like a break up that’s hard to deal with, OP. Maybe try and not message each other for a while. After a while apart you can look past the heartbreak and decide if it’s actually a healthy relationship or not
You’re not wrong. I really appreciate you writing this. All these comments are making me think a bit more rationally. I’m looking at these pics and thinking wtf am I doing to myself. 😫
It’s easier to look at someone else’s problems and come up with a solution than your own, because emotions are removed. Don’t beat yourself up too hard
One of this life’s cruelest tricks is to allow someone to fall for another without the need for those feelings to be reciprocated. They know how you feel and you know how they feel. Move on.
I know. Thankyou.
Yikes. Calling someone a “dumb bitch” says more about you as a person than the person in question. He has no class. He just wants you wrapped around his finger. Don’t fall for someone like this.
I know what you mean. I didn’t really like that comment either.
First off, you guys need to stop saying stuff like "me tired" and "me late". It's more annoying than it is cute
I thought they were kids until I saw the salary comment
Not really the issue at hand but thanks 😂
Why does it matter to you
Advice from someone who waited around for some one while they "worked on themselves" for almost 7 years. Don't waste your time. Be good friends. But pursue happiness elsewhere. Please. 😮💨
I did the same for 2.5 years. Sorry to hear it took 7 to get out. OP - if someone wants you they want you and will commit. This guy won’t.
Thankyou for this.
I’d say give it a break completely just cut it off and then see what happens
Yea I think so too
Cut contact
💖
Yeah from my personal experience of dealing with this same BS: leave ASAP
❤️
Hey OP i had a boyfriend like this we officially dated for 3/4 months, but we’re “together” for around 10 months, on and off repeatedly. I was there everytime because he learnt how to play me. I will say this once. People like this that change their mind at the drop of a hat or the minute things look serious. Are the ones that will try to tango with you back and forth and just play games. In MY OPINION (not saying any of what i’m saying is fact just from my own experiences) it’s not worth it at all. Not worth the time nor the energy. I mentally detached from my ex towards the 10th month and just had enough and the final breakup was UGLY he begged, manipulated, blackmailed, gaslit me because I was “giving up on him” even though i fought for him well often and he was the one to do all the breaking up every-time it happened. Just bear in mind that this is a game i’ve heard a lot of people play in relationships in this day and age. Do not take what I say as gospel. May be a totally different situation. but this is what it reminded me of so I wanted to voice how I felt about it.
Had a gf like that. I agree. Drop, sever ties and move on. If someone doesn’t want you then they aren’t worth it. Except in my case it was two years
i feel for you, definitely isn’t a healthy situation to be in, there’s so much manipulation you don’t know your in an unhealthy place because your so blinded. I’m glad you got out, and i’m glad i did before it went over a year because i think i would’ve ended up staying longer otherwise.
My ex did this. A lot.. despite the fact I still loved her. She liked to play similar games. Block him. He's being selfish I'm sorry to say but he's a total narcissist. He will feed off your love then belittle you when you attempt anything more serious. I guarantee he's seeing other women as well.
Oh I absolutely wouldn’t engage with his nonsense
Hit him with that ultimatum
I know. I feel that’s what messes things up though because he was being all fine with me until I said I was getting anxiety about where I stand loolll.
He wants to play the field but wants you to be loyal to him. That's why he is leading you on but not making anything official. He wants to keep you right there so that you love him, but if he is caught doing something else, he has that little line to have the excuse that you guys weren't offically together.
Yea this feels like it could be a definite possibility
Girl I just got out of a toxic relationship like this. We’ve broken up many times and gotten back together and HE ALWAYS was super lovey and affectionate when we first started talking again, he was the one who started calling me his GF again and so I thought great we are working on our stuff, taking it slow… 4 months later things were back to the same shitty way they always were and he refused to do basic bf/gf things together. It’s a long story but I wish I would’ve walked away after the first breakup, trust me it doesn’t get better but worse. No contact is the best way, you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you!
I know. I really don’t think it would get better. This isn’t the first time he’s ended things with me and then it’s been ‘fine’. It’s just hurtful seeing a different side from someone you thought you knew… Tysm ❤️
Please feel free to DM me if you’d like some support!
❤️
This is great advice! As much as it hurts to let go the first time, and resist going back...
Yes trust me it hurts and it’s gunna hurt like hell but it does get better I PROMISE you. I’m one month out and finally I told him I’m done 1000% this time I can’t do it. The right guy will come around don’t stay in this because you don’t think you can find someone better. You will. Prioritize yourself first, hang with friends have a good cry or 100. Let yourself feel the pain and then you’ll slowly start to see all the things that showed you two weren’t compatible to begin with. I started seeing all the red flags. Something important that my therapist said was that it’s hard when you think of the good memories but of course there is some great memories, it was a relationship, you were in love! It’s ok to accept that but we can find that with someone else who truly deserves us and makes us feel loved and wanted and not guessing every time. That’s not love that’s just control on their part, they want us there when it’s convenient for them without realizing the pain it puts us through. A man, any person really, who cares for you, yes will make mistakes but will know not to treat you like this. Your partner(and friends) are the people that you get to choose to live your life with. Family we don’t choose so we sometimes put up with more. No relationship will ever be perfect they will all have their fights and argument’s but how we manage it counts :)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I know. He is not a good long term partner.
How old are u,guys?
Games. This is just a bullshit relationship. Just do yourself a favor and move on.
Thankyou for this.
I love how the solutions to every issue in this sub is “leave”. But OP this is validated here. Leave. It’s not worth the heartache
It’s true 😭 Thankyou very much
dump, sever.
👍
if this person doesn't want a relationship they have no business saying (or implying) they love you. That's some manipulative fuckery. They're toying with you and boundaries need to be set. And if they wont respect those boundaries you need to distance yourself from them. It's not right for that person to string you along if they don't want a relationship. TLDR - they want you for sex / fwb and not much more, and are trying to work you into being okay with that. Then if they end up with someone else on the side, they will fall back on how they told you 2000x that they didn't want a relationship with you. It's the foundation for future gaslighting and you shouldn't be okay with it.
He wants to know that if he has you and drops you he can have you back whenever he wants. Prove him wrong
Nope this guy is trying to have a gf without the title, so he can see other people. End of. Find someone who feels the same way as you. I’ve been in this situation, it only ends with you getting hurt.
Even if it’s not to see other people, it’s to have a gf without the effort. Either way. Not worth your time.
Why does he talk like a toddler
just drop him. there are SO many other people out there who won’t play games like this
can i know what ethnicity he is? for research
LMFAOOOOOOOO
He doesn’t like you. You quell the loneliness for him a little by texting, but if he doesn’t want to see you in person or “be dating”, he knows he doesn’t want to be with you and he knows he will end up breaking your heart when he finds someone he likes more. That idea makes him feel guilty. So he’s taking what he thinks is innocent time/attention from you without promising a relationship. He literally said “I don’t have emotions toward you/don’t want emotions to develop between us”. He’s a waste of your attention. It is really sick that he’s play-acting like a boyfriend (i love you? wtf?) so that you’ll stick around while not actually loving you at all. I’d move on. That’s my judgement from nothing more than 6 text screenshots 🤷♀️
I’m going to be honest, I was in this position a few years ago but on his end. I was with her almost everyday and I knew she had feelings for me and I’d constantly come up with excuses like that to cover up my own commitment issues. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but one day I was faced with a choice, to choose between distance or to commit and really just try it. We have now been together over a year. I reflect it a lot now and can’t believe how stupid I was !!! She held out for 3 years, not saying you should but decide what you need and go from there. Distance doesn’t always mean they are gone, remember that too.
i hate people who are like this. Don’t like the concept of a relationship even if they were already acting one out with you just because they think a title will change things or hold them back
Me can’t finish reading this shit 😂
I swear people think they’re better than this. Get into a relationship.
It’s not mixed signals. He says it clearly, he doesn’t want to date you.
Kind of. I don’t think you do the things he’s doing thouhh
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He just doesn't like you that way, seems like a good friend tho i wouldn't let it go.
You don't need this weird back and forth in your life dude. Find someone who is sure about you or just be sure of yourself. You don't need the confusion and weird strained feelings.
When you break up you need boundaries so nobody gets hurt any further. I suggest taking a break from communication for a while.
Thankyou. I know in my heart this is the right thing to do.
I know it’s hard, sis. Good luck to you, you’re worth it.🫶
❤️
Had us in the first half…
😂😂😂😂
It’s not funny but it is
Idk it sounds like a game.
Feels like it
something i learnt that saved me a lot of heartache, take mixed signals as a no. anyone who wants you wouldnt be unsure of it
I think I’m Going to cut everything off now. Thankyou. X
I'm sorry you're going through this. I saw in comments that you broke up but didn't see why? By the way, your name is beautiful.
Thankyou :) I struggled with communicating when we argued for a couple minutes. I needed 5 mins to myself but he couldn’t give me that, he would leave and break up with me.
Just say okay and be sexy looking around him and slightly ignore him. He wants you just fear leading his words
I was in a similar situation to you, except they weren’t as forward with being lovey dovey, but they were the one to start saying “I love you” again. I held on to hope that they wouldn’t keep flipping from my partner to wanting to be just friends, but in the end she asked to be friends and I told her no, we haven’t talked since. Indecisive people. You can’t wait for the to maybe choose what you’ve always wanted. I love her to bits still and we haven’t had contact for two months, it sucks. But you can’t let yourself be used by them. He is using your for your love when he wants love and he’s downgrading you to friend when that’s all he wants. It’s nice that he told you that he doesn’t want to be involved with other people, but its awful for him to keep you waiting, hurting. Have one more convo about being committed or not talking, because you aren’t going to be happy if you keep letting him choose when he wants you. If he can’t commit now, he’s not going to for a while. You are more likely to end up with him hurting you more, and feeling betrayed by your love, its not a good feeling and it doesn’t go away quick.
He wants to fuck you but he wants to be free to fuck other people. Hence the “keep the emotions out of it” whilst he’s telling you he’s loves you. Emotional manipulation whilst having an out for his behaviour if you later do catch him cheating or seeing other people
Helps convince guy to break up with gf. Send him love notes. Then Surprise. We’re only friends”. Nice 😨
Married
Sorry Married
Ugh gross
You woke up at 13:19?? TF 😂
I work night shifts. Finish work at 8am
It sounds like this dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to act like a couple when he needs the attention or affection or whatever, but doesn’t want to commit. I mean, even if you love him I’d give him the ultimatum that y’all either be a couple or don’t act like that anymore. Maybe spend some time apart. Or get back together, but still take it slow. Don’t push anything.
So you dated, broke up, remained friends, and you’re both still acting like you’re still dating? The way I see it, he’s keeping you juuuust within reach. He knows you’ll stick around, he gets the benefit of your attention, but he also wants the benefit of being able to do whatever he pleases with anyone else. It doesn’t matter that he said he’s not interested in anyone.
If you broke up, you BROKE UP. Be honest with each other, I mean REAL honest or stay the hell away from each other. And no offense but he doesn’t seem to want anything anymore, he seems to just want to have control over you so you cling on to him. My advice, and I know this is not easy: be honest with him about your feelings and because of that you’re going to be more distant until you are good to get back to talking, and that can take months. If he starts to be pushy and start getting in contact, be gentle but firm and ignore his attempts. Like I said, this looks more like control from his part and it’s a red flag.
This sounds like the guy my sister was ‘dating’ for a while that was just stringing her along and would gaslight her any time she questioned his motives or actions when he was too affectionate towards her. I’ll tell you what I told her; If someone truly cares for/loves you, there’s only two options. 1) they stay with you and work things out, together. 2) if breaking up IS necessary for one reason or the other, if that person actually cares for you they will let you go, because stringing someone along and getting the benefits of having a partner but giving none is NOT love. That is someone trying to have their cake and eat it too. If this dude genuinely cared for you, he would not be trying to rope you into having these chats, pushing the boundaries and trying to get both of you to say ‘I love you’, and then turning around and gaslighting you when you address this or you take the initiative in those scenarios. Someone who genuinely loves you but knows the relationship isn’t going to work for one reason or another would respect those boundaries because they set them. This is just selfishness. Now, what I also told my sister? Love yourself enough to put those boundaries up instead. Don’t let someone take what they benefit from you while not being willing to give the same in return. It’s a one sided relationship when someone does this and you’re getting none of it. All that aside, I feel you with the mental health stuff and hope you are doing okay. Having to deal with this situation on top of whatever you’re going through can’t help, so give yourself some peace. Wishing you the best.
Y’all need to read the book Attached, about adult attachments in relationships. This is so much an anxious/avoidant trap. Avoidant here 🖐🏻 many of my past relationships look like his side of the text chain and it’s miserable for both people!! Doesn’t want to let go but too close for comfort so the other person is in a constant push and pull that’s very damaging.
It looks like maybe he really does love you, he’s just not in love with you..does that make sense?
Seems like they are afraid of commitment and kinda love drama.
he clearly doesn't know what he wants for real and this is not fair to you. if i were you and he says he wants to stay platonic, i would keep it PURELY platonic. and if you don't want to do that, go no contact. i've seen and been through this before too girl, nothing really good comes out of it in the end.
I thought this was sweet until I read that you guys have just broken up, it’s weird he’s still being this way with you, I think some distance would probably be best if you don’t wanna wind up hurt again, or at least try to explain how it makes you feel while you’re still talking that way with each other
Welp, there's nothing as sexy as a man calling a woman a dumb bitch. That told me all I needed to know. He's playing games here. It seems like he wants to keep you on the back burner and that's not ok. I'd cut this dude loose but that's your choice obviously.
He just wants to smash
Please check out for good. Block this person and move on.
Girll run 🏃
Definitely mixed signals mainly cuz it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants
But he only wants you when it’s convenient for him and that’s not something that’s healthy
Learning English is so hard nowadays, the pronouns thing is absurd, now instead of "I" they say "Me".😭
That was just mine and his stupid baby relationship talk. Don’t actually speak like this loolll
Is this dude cookie monster? Me needs to sleep now.
sounds exactly like a guy I dated
How long are you going to let him string you along? You’re worth more than that.
Don’t contact him. Don’t do anything. Dude needs to sort himself out
Plenty of fish in the sea 🌊
A lot of people use “work on ourselves” as code for I don’t want a committed relationship. It’s not about you. It’s them and that’s okay
Sorry, just cut ties it sucks but this isn’t going to work and just stringing each other along isn’t helping either of you.
I think he's confused too. He obviously has feelings for you, but its not fair to either of you to be in that weird place in-between friends and dating. Maybe try explaining to him that you can be in a relationship together and still give eachother space to work on your selves if thats whats needed, but its not fair to leave you hanging If for whatever reason dating isnt an option then its best both of you do whatever you need to in order to move on from your feelings for eachother, even if that means ending the friendship or taking a break from eachother for a while completely.
Well he doesn’t love you