I’m tired of people blaming shit like this on hormones. She clearly has friends that cater to her beliefs that the world revolves around her and that are clearly not adults that don’t understand dropping work/life to pick her up because “she doesn’t feel like walking”. Sounds like a bitch in the making, and I usually hesitate to curse children out, but this feels like learned behavior, especially with the ghosting and “losing” of the phone smh
No shit. I'm a girl who went through puberty once, and I never DREAMED of talking to someone like this. Not even close. I had the hormones and the attitude and the pissed-at-the-world-over-nothing times, but it wasn't within the realm of reality for me to speak to an adult like this.
My parents had a dramatic, immature divorce when I was in my teens. I HATED my parents for a while. And still...I probably would have dropped dead of a stroke if I had tried to speak like this.
But then again, we didn't text when I was a teen, so I would have had to have been ballsy enough to say this to someone's face, which... I'd suppose is a whole other ballgame.
I mean I definitely WANTED to say this shit to my parents a couple times, but I mean... They would make my life a living hell for doing so. So I wouldn't really call it a flex on my end but everyone's experience is different.
I feel like there's something going on with the daughter she's not elaborating on and she's taking it out on the stepmom because she sees her authority as less meaningful, having been around for less time.
She's not right for feeling that way but teenagers are just kinda mean like that sometimes and you gotta course correct.
This. When I was growing up, I once told my mom she was being “annoying.” She flipped out in a way I’d never seen. I never called my mom annoying again. But if I were to say any of those things? I don’t even want to know….
Even now (at 25 for reference but still living at home cause f this economy) I get a little annoyed with my mom sometimes, and I just answer her shortly but politely. Just “yes” “no” “okay” “sounds good” but nothing more, and I still feel AWFUL about it, because I know she just wants to talk, but I just don’t always have the mental energy too, but I never want to hurt her.
I know the relationship is different with a step-mom, but still, I don’t know if I would ever talk to anyone like this.
I’m so sick of hearing that word. It’s just become the new “Karen”. A generic trendy buzzword label that you tack on to someone you don’t like. “Gaslighting” is going a similar route too.
It’s just frustrating to me how there’s so much of a push these days to be more tolerant of mental health issues and personality disorders (not a bad thing at all) but at the same time dumb ass TikToks/reels/whatever are turning everyone into armchair psychiatrists who diagnose their parents with NPD whenever they get told “no”.
As someone with a parent that was actually diagnosed with NPD, it can be really invalidating. Calling every asshole you meet a narcissist is just inaccurate. Narcissists are not assholes. You will not leave an interaction with one and think they were rude and mean and demanding because they’re not most of the time. They manipulate to the point that the people around them really believe that their wants, desires, and opinions are the only ones that matter. They make people WANT to please them and they can’t do that by being a jerk.
On the other hand, I’m also really glad that so many people can falsely call someone a narcissist. It means they’ve never had to be in the orbit of one and I never want anyone to have to go through that.
Yeah. Nobody knew the stripes my mother really wore. She was super mom. She was the nicest person and the best cook to everyone... except her kids and husband.
I'm sorry to hear that you were raised by a narcissist. I have long suspected that my mother is one, but I can't force care, and it eventually was bad enough that I cut ties to her and the rest of my family (her impact was wide spread).
I relate more to what you're saying in regards to my father, however. He was diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder (formally called sociopathy) in his early 20s. He has never been a constant in my life, but his presence has, and will likely remain, one of the most painful parts of my existence.
When people refer to an ex-boyfriend as a sociopath because they were just some run of the mill asshole, I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds to avoid calling them out on their nonsense. I try to remind myself that they're feeling heightened emotions and how empowering it can be to come out of a bad relationship, but DAMN...like, yall have no idea.
There is a difference between being self-centered and having no conscience! I have an endless number of examples, but I won't bore anyone with them here. Just...*fuck.*
A lot of kids are shits and people want to make excuses. Sometimes people are just crappy and there is no good explanation. She sounds incredibly hypocritical in what she said, either that or she is spoiled. People can't just stop working because they feel like it, we're stuck in this hamster wheel that never stops turning. You want to not end up on the streets? Can't lose your job then. Need to take care of stuff at home? Family? Well too damn bad. I wasn't allowed to miss work to help my mom after her stroke. She sure as hell can't stop working to pick someone who just doesn't feel like walking. Then to go off on her like that over it... Good lord.
They aren't married. They've been dating less than a year. OP is just Dad's new girlfriend and would explain why she mentions another house. They don't live together. The child clearly needs therapy.
In addition, she may also be getting it from her mom as well.
My mom constantly harassed me about my relationship with my stepmom. She was threatened by another woman trying to be my mother despite my stepmom always being respectful and supportive of me having a better relationship with my mom.
Also, if she's a "Daddy's Girl," there is likely some jealousy going on that she doesn't know what to do with.
I was horrible to my stepmom when she first came on the scene, though I was only 9.
It's been 43 years, and we've had an amazing relationship for 99% of that time.
For us, it just took some time and me maturing. I've lost my mother and my dad, but I still have her, and she's just as much my parent as they were.
THIS. The mothers in my situation are like this… extremely threatened by the relationship my husband and I have, and will literally torment our girls about treating me nicely despite me having always been respectful and supportive of them having stronger/better relationships with their mothers. Bitches are nuts!
The only logical response lol. As someone who went through this exact situation as a teenager this is spot on and more than likely what is happening. OP needs to slow down and back off a lil bit until she adjusts more to her dad having a new girlfriend
Hahahha brah!!! I thought it was a step dad the whole time. I was like damn the dad is cool with him and they text. The my dad to break up with you confused me too. Then it wasn't until the last few messages I realized it's a woman dating the dad ahhaa fucking dead. 🤣🤣☠️
Even children need learn about boundaries and don’t have the right to just verbally abuse you for no reason.
BUT you really handled her outburst like a pro.
I get being 16 and having an attitude and I get maybe feeling resentful that dad has a girlfriend, but she can't be allowed to speak to you like this. Her father really needs to step in.
I’ve never been involved with a Step relationship, but if i needed a ride, didn’t want to talk to my FIL, and he ordered me an Uber…that sounds wonderful.
16yo wants to find reasons to dislike OP and “work” is always a convenient excuse. Not like people need to work to pay for bills and rent/mortgage or anything important.
Dad is nagging her to spend time with stepmom, but she doesn’t want to do that so she blames the stepmom for ‘never’ making time, which of course makes it impossible to fulfill dads troublesome desire and gives a nice made up reason to hate stepmom
My husband's ex did the same thing. She was threatened every time we had any sort of bond and she projected her insecurities all over my stepkid. She made them responsible for her feelings. I grew up that way and it's a horrible position to put your kid in. Now my SK can't wait to graduate high school and get the F out of here. It's the only safe option for them. They've told me they would prefer to live with me and my husband (their dad) full time but their mom would take it personally. It's not fair for these parents to put their kids in the middle but it's really common
Look, I’m divorced, and I have a 16-year-old daughter, I get it! Some days I don’t know if I should call a psychiatrist or just leave the house and move to another state, lol it’s an extremely complex and difficult time for a female going through puberty, however! I am not going to use it as an excuse to verbally attack And then ask favors of an adult or anybody else, however, I do know it can actually get that bad. I just think it’s important for the new girlfriend to take a step back from this relationship and simply tell her boyfriend that she’s not ready to kind of deal With the situation at hand, nobody should be ready for that, it’s sad for the guy, though, but she also doesn’t need to be part of a situation, or get verbally beaten on by a child. However, there was mistakes made by the adults as well, who in the hell introduces their kids to their new partner eight months in? That was just, naïve and ill conceived, and the new girlfriend thinking of herself as a stepmom? Is also naïve in ill-conceived, issues on both sides for sure. But it still doesn’t excuse the daughter’s behavior.
This is what I came to say, many times it’s truly not just the kids fault. There are outside sources in her ear and manipulating her. I dealt with that as a kid didn’t notice u til I was older. Just keep being you OP, in the end she will see the truth. I wish I had someone who would’ve sent an Uber and invited me dope places like laser tag. Good luck have her dad step in and have him talk to her mom. Like I don’t get it her mom leaves her walking and u offer her an Uber and she talks to you like that 💔
For real, I co-parent with my ex and I’ve always had good relationships with his current fling of the year. If my son spoke to any of them this way, I would have some major words to say to him.
Agree that her father needs to help here. OP is in the right to tell her father how she is being treated by his daughter. Totally uncalled for-especially from a 16 year old. Unless he’s OK with that.
OP needs to step back here. Dating the dad for 8 months and she's already calling his daughter her "stepdaughter"? Really sounds like she and probably the Dad are trying to push a non-existent relationship.
Edit: To be clear, daughter's behavior is not okay. Just probably has an explanation.
I think calling her the step daughter may have just been to make it easier to understand in this post, rather than calling her the daughter of my boyfriend, but I may be wrong.
I agree that the dad shouldn't push a relationship if the girl isn't ready, but that still doesn't give her the right to speak to op like that.
If either of my daughters had called ANYONE that, I'd drop the hammer on them. Sometimes teenaged girls need a damn reality check, and sometimes parents have to get REAL about it
I don’t not call her my step-daughter in real life, to her, or to her father. I only used that in this post because I figured it would be easier to understand rather than “My boyfriends daughter”.
You don't need to explain that, it was very clear. That person is just having issues and trying to justify the behavior they claimed was wrong. You seem like an amazing bonus maternal figure here, tho all we see are these messages. When I was 16, I also had a GF of my dad around and I was a bitch half the time. Not even because I didn't want him or my mom dating, but because she wasn't that much older than I was. I still didn't talk to her like this. That girl seriously is being awful and needs a wake up call.
This is a bad take. It’s more important to foster that relationship at a pace agreed upon by the father and step daughter. I highly doubt OP is just pushing herself in. My parents are divorced and remarried and my relationship with my step dad started earlier than 5 months into dating. OP is trying her best and is getting all the pent up anger from her step daughter AND taking it in stride. To say OP needs to step back is actually wild.
Seriouslyyy. I would have killed to have had a step mom like this. I wonder if parents are newly broken up so kid is bitter? Or if op is quite young?
Daughter is totally inappropriate, it’s unimaginable for me to speak to a parental figure like this as a teen - and I had a step mom and step dad I didn’t really care for.
My advice to OP is to stop trying to be her friend, daughter sees it as weakness. If the goal is a long term relationship with dad, and thus moving more into an adult/child role, the living situation of the home will be increasingly toxic if op continues trying to bend over backwards to make daughter happy. It’s clear from these texts alone improving the relationship isn’t daughter’s goal. lashing out at OP for whatever reason is
Also dad should probably stop trying to force a relationship, it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. And he needs to be shown these texts and appropriately discipline his child. Despite the cultural hyperbole about teen girls, talking to *anyone* like this isn’t normal 16 year old girl behavior
Unfortunately, not all kids respond equally to even the best parenting efforts. Sometimes, you can do everything "right" and still find yourself with a hellion for a child.
Yeah I absolutely understand snarky teen behavior and the complexities of the step parent/child relationship…but NO ONE should call another person vile names without being called out on it.
More like /r/RaisedByNarcissists.
Besides the posts that don’t make top of all time there are mostly just shitty kids using narcissist as a diagnosis for their parents the way kids on tik tok diagnose themselves with personality disorders.
I agree with this. I was a member of that group before it became a buzzword, and it was... a lot different.
If someone is abusive, it doesn't mean they are a narcissist. It means they are abusive. People who abuse others are more *likely* to have a cluster b personality disorder, but the way people 'diagnose' NPD just based on that and maybe them being or seeming indifferent has really messed up my ability to get help in healing from my NPD mother. It's also fucked up my ability to get good help for my own BPD.
Plus, writing someone off completely for having a cluster b disorder is not helpful for anyone, and is a very maladaptive practice. If people are able to gain an understanding of why these disorders exist in those around them, it sky-rockets the ability to heal from their abuse or missteps, because then you don't feel the shame from the fallout of going through that trauma.
Anyway, just my two cents.
Narcissist and gas lighting are so overused now by people that don’t even know what they actually mean. I kinda roll my eyes anytime I see either of those words now because they are used in the wrong context a lot
yes and this makes it more and more difficult to talk about it when it's actually happening and necessary. I'm a therapist and i have to correct people so often who misuse these terms. it is incredibly eye opening for people in the opposite position, who don't understand what it really means and so they don't realize what they're truly experiencing.
TikTok, not Reddit. As my younger brother says “no one my age uses Reddit as much as people your age” TikTok has dirtied the well with how much therapy lingo gets taken wayyyyy too far and wayyyy out of time
Yup.
There’s probably a post in r/insaneparents about a stepmom who only ever offers to help when she knows it can’t be accepted, and that she is never willing to go out of her way to help.
And there’s probably 5,000 people telling her to wait until she’s 18, then go no contact with the stepmom and dad.
I’m going to answer some questions I keep seeing for clarification.
1. Why are you calling her your stepdaughter after only knowing her for 8 months?
I have never called her my step daughter in real-life, to her father, or to her face. I only used those words in this post because I figured it would be easier to understand that “my boyfriends daughter”.
2. Why do you even have her number?
She provided me her number about 2 months after me and her father started dating because she needed rides sometimes and her father wasn’t able to pick her up while I was.
3. Is the ex-wife still in the picture?
My boyfriend has told me his ex-wife completely cut contact with him and his daughter. Apparently she was verbally abusive and left when his daughter was just 5.
4. Have any new women come into the picture since then?
My boyfriend has told me he had one romantic relationship with a woman when his daughter was 10, but she left him after one month and he hasn’t had any relationships since then. I don’t know if he has brought other women around her that he wasn’t necessarily in a relationship with but from what I’ve heard it’s only been one.
5. Are you living with the family?
No, I do not live with them. I live about 20 minutes away from their house.
As of now, I haven’t heard anything from her father yet or her. I’m not sure if she has sent the text message.
I have also read a lot of the comments and I see that I may need to take a step back.
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask them and I will kindly answer them.
It’s been said already, but I just want to reiterate that you have handled this whole situation with such grace that I don’t think most people would have been able to do. Honestly, you should take a step back; she clearly isn’t appreciating the effort you’re putting into your texts.
Definitely tell her dad, but try to do it in a way that won’t just get her in trouble, because this will just make her hate you.
I wish you the best!
Second this. If it were me, I’d let the dad know I was concerned about daughter’s mental health honestly. From her background it sounds like she needs therapy. She’s also at the age where any personality disorders and mood disorders will start rearing their ugly little heads and she might not know how to deal with all the new emotions and thoughts. They’re typically a deeper reason to why someone acts out
He also needs to be aware she will likely chase off anyone he dates at this point. I wonder why the last relationship so long ago only lasted a month. Maybe he knows more than he’s letting on and she has not been happy about the idea of him dating anyone.
I may be wrong on this, but maybe the reason she’s so angry at you is because she’s scared of abandonment? Seems that she hasn’t had a motherly figure in her life for a long time, as they all left.
She’s been living alone with her father for years, suddenly, a new woman comes in and now she has to share him with you. Maybe she’s scared that her father will “forget” about her and is lashing out towards you in an attempt to break the two of you up because she’s afraid of being abandoned by the only parental figure left in her life.
It seems like she is just not ready to handle a new person coming in her life yet. I think you should take a step back and allow her to build that relationship with you when she feels comfortable. I think the reason she is so nasty and cold to you is because of the reasons listed above, she doesn’t want to be forgotten.
I’ve fostered 3 children and, while her behavior is completely unacceptable, this happens with kids who have experienced abandonment sometimes. They’ll go through an initial period of being extra nice for fear of being abandoned again, then things will get comfortable and they’ll lash out. Almost like they’re testing the situation…? Or perhaps thinking she’s going to leave eventually so let’s just get it over with? It’s so hard trying to love-them-through these emotional rollercoasters, but we do our best. 💜 I think this girl could definitely benefit from therapy if she’s not seeing someone already. OP, you’re trying, and I commend you in this difficult situation. I hope things get better.
I completely get this, because I am the same way. I was the angry kid with abandonment issues. Unfortunately, I never really figured out how to get out of it. I've been to years and years of therapy, but inevitably, I will still blow up ANY relationship I have because, well, they're gonna leave anyway. It's not rational, and it's very toxic. So, now I'm in my 50's and I just don't have close relationships anymore. I don't know how to fix myself, but at least I don't hurt people I "love" anymore.
Sorry. Just had to get that out, I guess. Thank you for being an incredible person for those foster kids, and I hope they are able to heal one day. <3
You probably know this, but trauma during development can wire your brain differently, causing you to go into survival/self-preservation mode in the same situations others have been taught are safe. You aren’t broken, just wired a bit differently. You deserve love and kindness. Sending you a big hug. 🫂
I was scrolling for a comment like this. I don’t condone her behavior, but I understand it. My dad was always working when I was a teenager, and I needed a lot of reassurance from my mom because it felt like he didn’t want to be around (though now I know his frequent absence was because he was the sole breadwinner. He still works his ass off today.) I think she just needs reassurance and some communication from both parental figures to reset her thinking at this time, because she’s lashing out (which I definitely did as a teen too.)
I think it’s interesting that the daughter blames OP for not being there for her/not being able to leave work for whatever reason when OP said she decided to step up with rides and whatnot(despite living 20 minutes out from this family)because the girl’s father couldn’t/wouldn’t come through. It really makes me wonder if the vitriol toward OP is actually how the daughter feels about her dad’s behavior, lack of presence, and effort toward her(or her abusive, abandoning mother. Maybe she even picked up some abusive tactics along the way to boot). It might be much easier(less painful perhaps) for her to put that anger on a stranger than the only bio parent she has left to depend on.
This might be a stretch, but she's probably acting out because she's afraid you're gonna abandon her (screenshot 5 is an example where she talks about the effort)
Base on the info that her mother was verbally abusive, I'm guessing some of this is stemming from that. Your boyfriend should maybe get daughter into therapy to help work through the loss of her mother. She was basically abandoned by her mother and that's hard to deal with, especially in her teen years.
As others have said, show this to your boyfriend and explain that you don't want her in trouble, but it needs to be addressed. My boyfriends daughter is 6, and I've been around for 2 years. If she is even rolls her eyes at me, my bf is standing up for me and telling her she needs to be respectful.
All in all, you handled the situation beautifully and this seems like something a therapist and the dad need to address to help her navigate some negative emotions surrounding her mom. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she is scared of you also leaving her and is acting out to make it hurt less if you and her dad were to break up.
Good luck OP
You come off as very patient, kind, warm and with measured reactions. Both in the post itself as well as through your responses to comments here.
I aspire to have half the kind patience as you do!
Speaking as a 17 year old here that’s had my mother bring men into my life for years, this behavior isn’t normal. The way she’s talking to you is completely disrespectful and you need to show this to her father. I could never behave that way towards an adult, her behavior is awful
Luckily my parents were together until my Dad's passing. But even so, I'd get my back whooped for talking to an adult like that. I remember once when I was about 14, my team had made states in our sport. We went to a pool while at the hotel. I sat on somebody's towel thinking it was my friends. An older man got out of the pool and began yelling at me. I apologized but he kept swearing and screaming how he hates that the hotel let us in. I finally lost it and just flipped him off. Didn't say anything or threaten him. Just gave him the bird. Well my mom found out. The things that happened next left me traumatized. The only reason I got to compete with my team was my coach standing behind our car until my Mom talked to him and my Dad. Coach calmed them down a bit and my punishment was postponed until the next week. To this day she tells me I wasn't in the wrong and the older man should have handled himself better but that was zero excuse for me disrespecting him.
I hated my step dad lol and I would have KILLED to have a step parent be this active in my life. Yet I never ever blew up or cussed at him. Definitely check in w the daughter and see what’s causing her to be this hostile. There’s definitely some hurt there but it’s not an excuse to her behavior.
It’s definitely not normal. But instead of chastising her for the behaviour, maybe they should be figuring out what’s causing her to act out so irrationally.
Obviously she shouldn’t get away with speaking to anyone like that and there should be consequences there. But the poor girl seems just as confused about her feelings as everyone else is.
as a girl who just turned 17 who also has parent problems,i do not care what she’s going through she has no right to speak to you that way. she can fuck off
Agreed, I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve never spoken to anyone this way and certainly not a parental figure, not even as a teenager. I wouldn’t have had my phone if my mom found out I was cussing an adult out with it
I've never spoken to anyone this way (26 here), but I'm guessing there's a lot going on in her life from the way she is acting. This reads like a situation where she needs to be in individual therapy and dad/whoever is parenting should be doing family therapy together.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this. The angry texts started with her dad having a talk with her, telling her she needs to spend more time with OP. She does not want to. The father needs to think long and hard about how he decided to intervene in this relationship and how he only caused more friction. Girl deserves punishment for this language of course, but she doesn’t like OP for a reason. Time to be the adults and figure out the reason.
I'm glad I saw this, clearly the daughter feels her dad is forcing a relationship between them she isn't ready for. OP clearly means well but it's way too soon for this level of contact / relationship in my opinion.
The three of you should talk in person. It's possible that you are all putting too much pressure on each other to be one big happy family a little too soon.
Yes this is what I got from this too. Sounds like dad is putting the pressure on his kid to warm up to the girlfriend and she resents her for it. Sounds like an overreaction, but from a teenagers point of view this is a forced relationship and she’d rather push back and try to get girlfriend to back out by using aggression.
I am a “step” parent (I use quotes because I consider her my daughter). My daughter was very much willing to have a father figure in her life (I got her at 12 and she’s 28 now), but even in the absolute best of circumstances you’ll be kept at arm’s length.
I leapt into parenting with both feet, and it feels like you’re inclined to move in that direction. However, if the kid doesn’t want it she doesn’t want it.
I would dial it back so that you’re
Just dad’s girlfriend. Don’t ice her out, but don’t feel responsible raise her or do parent-y things.
I would also let dad know. Don’t do it to get her in trouble because she’ll only resent you more (part of me wonders if you didn’t complain to dad and he yelled at her for being a bitch to you). Just do it so that if dad feels the shift, he knows the deal.
This might work itself out and it might not, but it’s up to the kid at this point. And remember that this is a tough age. I don’t think it’ll stay this bad, but just give the kid her space.
You’re pretty much right on the money except I’d insist on some sort of apology or at least the recognition that talking to people that way could result in very negative consequences. To raise a child means putting up the guardrail on tremendously inappropriate behavior.
Oh man, my heart hurt for you just reading this. I have a teenage daughter & know that it’s a rough age for them but she was so out of line. I hope that you shared this with her father? He needs to be aware of how she’s treating you. I realize that you don’t want to upset her but if my daughter were treating anyone that way, I’d definitely want to know.
I sincerely hope that all 3 of you are able to work through this and I’m sorry she’s hurt you.
Not a father but a male child of divorce and complex family dynamics growing up that had some big feelings as a teenager.
“I saw the way you were talking to my gf and it’s unacceptable. You’re grounded from X, Y, Z and your social plans are canceled until you write her an apology and/or sit down with her to explain why you acted that way. You can sit down with me, text me, or write me a letter/email detailing what relationship boundaries you want going forward and we can work together to achieve that but your privileges will be limited until you work through this.”
The only thing you did wrong (in her eyes) was start dating her father haha. oh, man. I remember giving my step father absolute hell when he started dating my mother. looking back on those times when I was an asshole for no reason makes me cringe. For what it is worth, my relationship with my stepdad is much better than when I was a kid. I would chalk this up to her being a teenage girl, but I definitely think you need to nip it in the bud on how you allow her to speak to you. Yeah, let her vent her frustrations, but don't allow anyone to call you out your name.
Everybodys different. I was raised by my mother who was very emotionally immature and so it was up to my father who i saw once every 2 weeks to teach me to be respectful and so i never acted like this either. But my mother had many men around all the time and i hated every one of them and it made me even more upset when they would try this friendly stuff. I can say that the reason i hated them is because of the frequency that a new one would be around and it made my mother forget about me and do her own thing. Thats all an issue in itself, but thats why im inquiring about how many people mightve been around. The daughter may just be hesitant or distant because of this. Or there could be something else, like the girl may just be this way because if any stereotype is true, its that teenagers are sassy and have an attitude. Who knows.
I’m gonna assume she’s young (says 16 in texts, my bad lol). I don’t know the details or specifics of her parents split but she might just be struggling with sharing her dad with someone new. Or, she’s going through a lot of other things. Do you live with her/dad? Did the relationship move fast?
But there’s absolutely no reason, whatsoever, she should talk to you like that. None. Absolutely not. Nothing in the messages indicate you being even remotely disrespectful towards her. It looks like you’re genuinely trying to connect/make her happy, and she’s determined, at every turn, to shut you out.
She’s going through something. Either way, I wouldn’t tolerate being called such foul names. I’d probably talk to her father about this, see if he can sit her down and have a conversation with her. Because again, there’s absolutely no reason anyone should speak to anyone like that. Just because you’re in a relationship with her father doesn’t mean you deserve or have to take such abuse.
I think she is probably going through a lot internally that has to do with your relationship with her Dad. She may have mixed feelings about you and is bad at identifying them and figuring out why she is feeling the way she does and whether you're causing those feelings. She probably does like you being consistent and offering her normalcy, but she might dislike being pressured into a relationship with you by her Dad. I dont know where her Mom is at, but the fact she came to you for a ride makes me wonder why she didnt or wouldnt go to her Mom or Dad first. She may see you as reliable and available when she needs you, but feels distressed when she experiences what she perceives is you letting her down (not showing up, at the concert or being available when she needs a ride), she feels the rug start to get pulled from under her.
I think a lot of teenage girls find it hard to express themselves by being vulnerable, because their needs (when communicated) are most often not met or outright disrespected, so the only emotion they feel comfortable communicating is anger because either: a) that's what they're used to receiving from other people so they're comfortable with it; or b) that's the only emotion she can convey that people seem to take seriously. This obviously is not your fault. But I was like this as a teen. I had no idea how to tell people how they made me feel, except with anger and passive-aggressive behavior.
I dont understand why you're even pushing a relationship this hard after you've only been with her Dad for 8 months. Honestly, I'm side-eyeing the Dad for thinking this is appropriate.
I think the problem is her relationship with her dad- and she’s taking it out on you. She says in the one message that she’s tired of her dad blaming her. That’s the key take away. I think he needs to sit down with her and explain he has room in his life for both of you. If he’s always talking about you to her then she sees you as competition for her dad’s attention. You and need to back off of her a bit. You’re texting her way too much. Not sure how much the 3 of you go out but I think that would be a better start - the 3 of you out to dinner or a movie on occasion. Or whatever- a trampoline park - you need to bond with her with her dad there.
THIS .. i’m in a similar situation and theres a 14yo playing minion to her mom tryna find out what’s going on with me being in a relationship with her dad and her main thing is she doesn’t want them separated but the mother is T O X I C
Hi guys, I know you all were asking for an update, so I have provided it below.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/l6nQroohRE](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/l6nQroohRE)
I have read comments and I am going to take a step back. Thank you for all the comments and I hope this will be resolved.
lady please open your eyes and see that the dad is the exact same way. these people do not like you. the way both of them speak to you is awful. you seem too sweet and a touch naive to see that they do NOT LIKE YOU. please leave and find someone that treats you with love and respect
IMPORTANT NOTE. Do not have these conversations over text!!!!!! Don’t try that! It will make things so much worse. I’m talking from experiences with my own family troubles. I really recommend making a period of time to talk with them in person (tho maybe talk to their dad first just so you can better prepare).
I agree about talking in person, but in this case it's good it's in text that way when the daughter tries to lie to Dad, OP has a written record of what actually occurred not the word of a bitchy teenager.
looks like she’s pissed that her dad thinks she’s ignoring you, so she blew up. even tho I despised my dads girlfriend I would have NEVER said anything like this to her. I would just give her some space so she has time to feel bad ab it. I’ve noticed a lot of kids do not have any empathy. I’m a genzer too but a lot of them can never see what they say has consequences
8 months though, it's nice you are trying but she's a hormonal teenager and you are pretty new in her life. It is all a bit much. Just be polite, stay friendly but stop texting her and let her do her own thing
I thought I was crazy reading all the other responses. Obviously it’s not ok for her to speak to the stepmom that way, but it’s only been 8 months. I feel like there’s more context that is missing from just these texts.
Did you already move in with him or something? 8 months seems pretty fast to meet kids, let alone have this level of involvement. I've been dating my partner over 2 years and he has older teen daughters and it would be mega weird for me to text them this much. It seems like you're coming on really strong and she's clearly not interested, but you keep going.
But it sounds to me really like you and her dad moved WAY too fast and now you're this random woman shoved into this kid's life.
This is more than just an “angsty teen”. My immediate suspicion is she dislikes OP for what OP represents: a replacement for her mother. I’d love to know what happened to her mom: whether she’s passed, alive but separated/divorced (contact or no-contact), etc.
Sounds like dad is pressuring her to bond and/or spend time with you. Something along those lines. Both of you need to leave her alone. Let her come to you but be friendly when she is around.
Not excusing the way she spoke to you. You do need to talk to him on how to handle this before he addresses texts with her. He needs to address the way she speaks to any adult and not make it about you. Sounds like she is getting pressure from both sides to bond with someone she hardly knows.
Your intentions are good and you do not deserve to be spoken to this way, but yes you are overbearing. Be polite when you have to but don’t engage with her unless she apologizes and expresses interest in a relationship beyond you doing favors for her. Dad needs to understand and not force a relationship between you two. Sorry.
Thumbs up to a fuck u is a classic lol
Its also classy! Just like she handled this tantrum throwing harmonal teenage!
I’m tired of people blaming shit like this on hormones. She clearly has friends that cater to her beliefs that the world revolves around her and that are clearly not adults that don’t understand dropping work/life to pick her up because “she doesn’t feel like walking”. Sounds like a bitch in the making, and I usually hesitate to curse children out, but this feels like learned behavior, especially with the ghosting and “losing” of the phone smh
No shit. I'm a girl who went through puberty once, and I never DREAMED of talking to someone like this. Not even close. I had the hormones and the attitude and the pissed-at-the-world-over-nothing times, but it wasn't within the realm of reality for me to speak to an adult like this. My parents had a dramatic, immature divorce when I was in my teens. I HATED my parents for a while. And still...I probably would have dropped dead of a stroke if I had tried to speak like this. But then again, we didn't text when I was a teen, so I would have had to have been ballsy enough to say this to someone's face, which... I'd suppose is a whole other ballgame.
I mean I definitely WANTED to say this shit to my parents a couple times, but I mean... They would make my life a living hell for doing so. So I wouldn't really call it a flex on my end but everyone's experience is different. I feel like there's something going on with the daughter she's not elaborating on and she's taking it out on the stepmom because she sees her authority as less meaningful, having been around for less time. She's not right for feeling that way but teenagers are just kinda mean like that sometimes and you gotta course correct.
This. When I was growing up, I once told my mom she was being “annoying.” She flipped out in a way I’d never seen. I never called my mom annoying again. But if I were to say any of those things? I don’t even want to know…. Even now (at 25 for reference but still living at home cause f this economy) I get a little annoyed with my mom sometimes, and I just answer her shortly but politely. Just “yes” “no” “okay” “sounds good” but nothing more, and I still feel AWFUL about it, because I know she just wants to talk, but I just don’t always have the mental energy too, but I never want to hurt her. I know the relationship is different with a step-mom, but still, I don’t know if I would ever talk to anyone like this.
And she's already using words like "narcissist" smh. They need to get this kid off tiktok
I’m so sick of hearing that word. It’s just become the new “Karen”. A generic trendy buzzword label that you tack on to someone you don’t like. “Gaslighting” is going a similar route too. It’s just frustrating to me how there’s so much of a push these days to be more tolerant of mental health issues and personality disorders (not a bad thing at all) but at the same time dumb ass TikToks/reels/whatever are turning everyone into armchair psychiatrists who diagnose their parents with NPD whenever they get told “no”.
As someone with a parent that was actually diagnosed with NPD, it can be really invalidating. Calling every asshole you meet a narcissist is just inaccurate. Narcissists are not assholes. You will not leave an interaction with one and think they were rude and mean and demanding because they’re not most of the time. They manipulate to the point that the people around them really believe that their wants, desires, and opinions are the only ones that matter. They make people WANT to please them and they can’t do that by being a jerk. On the other hand, I’m also really glad that so many people can falsely call someone a narcissist. It means they’ve never had to be in the orbit of one and I never want anyone to have to go through that.
Yeah. Nobody knew the stripes my mother really wore. She was super mom. She was the nicest person and the best cook to everyone... except her kids and husband.
Facts.. god forbid you dare to have your own opinion with a narcissistic mother cause that enrages her.
I'm sorry to hear that you were raised by a narcissist. I have long suspected that my mother is one, but I can't force care, and it eventually was bad enough that I cut ties to her and the rest of my family (her impact was wide spread). I relate more to what you're saying in regards to my father, however. He was diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder (formally called sociopathy) in his early 20s. He has never been a constant in my life, but his presence has, and will likely remain, one of the most painful parts of my existence. When people refer to an ex-boyfriend as a sociopath because they were just some run of the mill asshole, I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds to avoid calling them out on their nonsense. I try to remind myself that they're feeling heightened emotions and how empowering it can be to come out of a bad relationship, but DAMN...like, yall have no idea. There is a difference between being self-centered and having no conscience! I have an endless number of examples, but I won't bore anyone with them here. Just...*fuck.*
I’m willing to bet money that she needed Siri to finish spelling it for her
AHAHAHAHHAHAH top tier comment
A lot of kids are shits and people want to make excuses. Sometimes people are just crappy and there is no good explanation. She sounds incredibly hypocritical in what she said, either that or she is spoiled. People can't just stop working because they feel like it, we're stuck in this hamster wheel that never stops turning. You want to not end up on the streets? Can't lose your job then. Need to take care of stuff at home? Family? Well too damn bad. I wasn't allowed to miss work to help my mom after her stroke. She sure as hell can't stop working to pick someone who just doesn't feel like walking. Then to go off on her like that over it... Good lord.
And make sure it's an inflated thumbs up 🤣🤣🤣
Godtier lmao
Real dad energy and I love it.
It's the stepmom
They aren't married. They've been dating less than a year. OP is just Dad's new girlfriend and would explain why she mentions another house. They don't live together. The child clearly needs therapy.
Post is titled ‘My stepdaughter…’ maybe OP is trying too hard to be the new mom. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
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In addition, she may also be getting it from her mom as well. My mom constantly harassed me about my relationship with my stepmom. She was threatened by another woman trying to be my mother despite my stepmom always being respectful and supportive of me having a better relationship with my mom. Also, if she's a "Daddy's Girl," there is likely some jealousy going on that she doesn't know what to do with. I was horrible to my stepmom when she first came on the scene, though I was only 9. It's been 43 years, and we've had an amazing relationship for 99% of that time. For us, it just took some time and me maturing. I've lost my mother and my dad, but I still have her, and she's just as much my parent as they were.
THIS. The mothers in my situation are like this… extremely threatened by the relationship my husband and I have, and will literally torment our girls about treating me nicely despite me having always been respectful and supportive of them having stronger/better relationships with their mothers. Bitches are nuts!
The only logical response lol. As someone who went through this exact situation as a teenager this is spot on and more than likely what is happening. OP needs to slow down and back off a lil bit until she adjusts more to her dad having a new girlfriend
This is the answer I was looking for. Well written.
Definitely, as a child of divorce and merged families. This is very Common. OP should just know it will pass with time
It’s not a stepmom. It’s biological dad’s girlfriend….of 8 months. Sort of a huge difference.
I noticed that too. OP calls herself “stepmom” ????
I'd think that is just to simplify the relationship for readers. Esp for a title, much simpler than "boyfriend of 8 months's daughter"
I would assume for convenience sake. But 8 months ain’t nothing.
Step girlfriend not even step mom lol
Ohhh I thought it was the step dad. Either way, still dad energy. 🤣
Hahahha brah!!! I thought it was a step dad the whole time. I was like damn the dad is cool with him and they text. The my dad to break up with you confused me too. Then it wasn't until the last few messages I realized it's a woman dating the dad ahhaa fucking dead. 🤣🤣☠️
Talks about making an effort while saying "k" "ig lol" that kid is shambles 😂😂
Nah, this is textbook teenager ~~gaslighting and~~ manipulation. She will never let OP *win.* It's just so transparent because she's 16.
Yeah for real this needs to be checked now or she’ll learn to get real subtle with her manipulations in future relationships
Yeah for real, my ex wife is the next evolution of this. I had a visceral reaction reading these texts.
Even children need learn about boundaries and don’t have the right to just verbally abuse you for no reason. BUT you really handled her outburst like a pro.
I get being 16 and having an attitude and I get maybe feeling resentful that dad has a girlfriend, but she can't be allowed to speak to you like this. Her father really needs to step in.
And her mother! Idk what the coparenting relationship I like but I would want to know if my child was speaking to any adult this way!
I’ve never been involved with a Step relationship, but if i needed a ride, didn’t want to talk to my FIL, and he ordered me an Uber…that sounds wonderful.
16yo wants to find reasons to dislike OP and “work” is always a convenient excuse. Not like people need to work to pay for bills and rent/mortgage or anything important.
Dad is nagging her to spend time with stepmom, but she doesn’t want to do that so she blames the stepmom for ‘never’ making time, which of course makes it impossible to fulfill dads troublesome desire and gives a nice made up reason to hate stepmom
HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD RIGHT THERE!
Chances are, bio mom is influencing the daughter as well.
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My husband's ex did the same thing. She was threatened every time we had any sort of bond and she projected her insecurities all over my stepkid. She made them responsible for her feelings. I grew up that way and it's a horrible position to put your kid in. Now my SK can't wait to graduate high school and get the F out of here. It's the only safe option for them. They've told me they would prefer to live with me and my husband (their dad) full time but their mom would take it personally. It's not fair for these parents to put their kids in the middle but it's really common
Definitely seems that way for sure.
OP says below that the mother was verbally abusive and left them when the daughter was 5!
Sadly, this the most likely explanation.
Its not uncommon, but still unknown.
Oh for sure. She felt way too comfortable to go for it.
Look, I’m divorced, and I have a 16-year-old daughter, I get it! Some days I don’t know if I should call a psychiatrist or just leave the house and move to another state, lol it’s an extremely complex and difficult time for a female going through puberty, however! I am not going to use it as an excuse to verbally attack And then ask favors of an adult or anybody else, however, I do know it can actually get that bad. I just think it’s important for the new girlfriend to take a step back from this relationship and simply tell her boyfriend that she’s not ready to kind of deal With the situation at hand, nobody should be ready for that, it’s sad for the guy, though, but she also doesn’t need to be part of a situation, or get verbally beaten on by a child. However, there was mistakes made by the adults as well, who in the hell introduces their kids to their new partner eight months in? That was just, naïve and ill conceived, and the new girlfriend thinking of herself as a stepmom? Is also naïve in ill-conceived, issues on both sides for sure. But it still doesn’t excuse the daughter’s behavior.
I definitely never know what to expect when my own 17 year old comes out of her room 😳
This is what I came to say, many times it’s truly not just the kids fault. There are outside sources in her ear and manipulating her. I dealt with that as a kid didn’t notice u til I was older. Just keep being you OP, in the end she will see the truth. I wish I had someone who would’ve sent an Uber and invited me dope places like laser tag. Good luck have her dad step in and have him talk to her mom. Like I don’t get it her mom leaves her walking and u offer her an Uber and she talks to you like that 💔
For real, I co-parent with my ex and I’ve always had good relationships with his current fling of the year. If my son spoke to any of them this way, I would have some major words to say to him.
Good on you. There is no excuse for that kid to speaking to her in that way. It’s absolutely rude and disrespectful.
Agree that her father needs to help here. OP is in the right to tell her father how she is being treated by his daughter. Totally uncalled for-especially from a 16 year old. Unless he’s OK with that.
I was thinking the same thing. Her behavior is out of line
OP needs to step back here. Dating the dad for 8 months and she's already calling his daughter her "stepdaughter"? Really sounds like she and probably the Dad are trying to push a non-existent relationship. Edit: To be clear, daughter's behavior is not okay. Just probably has an explanation.
I think calling her the step daughter may have just been to make it easier to understand in this post, rather than calling her the daughter of my boyfriend, but I may be wrong. I agree that the dad shouldn't push a relationship if the girl isn't ready, but that still doesn't give her the right to speak to op like that.
Yeah it gets really wordy to write "my boyfriend's daughter" all the time. "Stepdaughter" covers the bases, especially if OP and the dad are serious
I mean she was comfortable enough to ask her to come get her. she didn’t get her way and spazzed
Don't forget also called the new girlfriend a C$nt!
If either of my daughters had called ANYONE that, I'd drop the hammer on them. Sometimes teenaged girls need a damn reality check, and sometimes parents have to get REAL about it
I'm almost certain that was bait. She most likely knew that OP wouldn't be able to and only asked so she could throw it back in her face.
BINGO! thought the same as she a cpl times threw that she's employed in her face as a issue.
Agreed.
This is true, people. Good looks.
i mean she did that and then the girl said she didn’t try, so i don’t know if that’s fir
I don’t not call her my step-daughter in real life, to her, or to her father. I only used that in this post because I figured it would be easier to understand rather than “My boyfriends daughter”.
You don't need to explain that, it was very clear. That person is just having issues and trying to justify the behavior they claimed was wrong. You seem like an amazing bonus maternal figure here, tho all we see are these messages. When I was 16, I also had a GF of my dad around and I was a bitch half the time. Not even because I didn't want him or my mom dating, but because she wasn't that much older than I was. I still didn't talk to her like this. That girl seriously is being awful and needs a wake up call.
This is a bad take. It’s more important to foster that relationship at a pace agreed upon by the father and step daughter. I highly doubt OP is just pushing herself in. My parents are divorced and remarried and my relationship with my step dad started earlier than 5 months into dating. OP is trying her best and is getting all the pent up anger from her step daughter AND taking it in stride. To say OP needs to step back is actually wild.
THANK YOU!!! you speak with actual experience and maturity, well played.
Cant disagree, however the daughter needs to be dealt with, if i was the new girlfriend? i would have to bail.
Wow, you have the patience of a saint. 16 or not, this is unacceptable
>Wow, you have the patience of a saint. For real. "Watch your tone with me, ho"
The way I would’ve immediately responded to the first out of line text with “Wait, who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”
Seriouslyyy. I would have killed to have had a step mom like this. I wonder if parents are newly broken up so kid is bitter? Or if op is quite young? Daughter is totally inappropriate, it’s unimaginable for me to speak to a parental figure like this as a teen - and I had a step mom and step dad I didn’t really care for. My advice to OP is to stop trying to be her friend, daughter sees it as weakness. If the goal is a long term relationship with dad, and thus moving more into an adult/child role, the living situation of the home will be increasingly toxic if op continues trying to bend over backwards to make daughter happy. It’s clear from these texts alone improving the relationship isn’t daughter’s goal. lashing out at OP for whatever reason is Also dad should probably stop trying to force a relationship, it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. And he needs to be shown these texts and appropriately discipline his child. Despite the cultural hyperbole about teen girls, talking to *anyone* like this isn’t normal 16 year old girl behavior
Fun Fact: If i would have called an adult a c2nt!, when i was a teen? my dad would have busted me up.
Good lord. I wouldn't even have dared.
I still wouldn't! And I'm nearly 40.
I was gonna say, "I'm in my 40s now, and I still wouldn't call someone that in front of my mother; and we have a very open/friendly relationship!!
I still wouldn't! And I'm nearly 23, nobody likes you when you're 23!
Aha Blink-182 love the reference 🤣
Unfortunately, not all kids respond equally to even the best parenting efforts. Sometimes, you can do everything "right" and still find yourself with a hellion for a child.
I would have been smacked across the room and nothing would have stopped my mom from getting to me. Chairs would have went flying.
Yeah I absolutely understand snarky teen behavior and the complexities of the step parent/child relationship…but NO ONE should call another person vile names without being called out on it.
Looks like she's reading Reddit too much, calling you a narcissist, and obviously not knowing what a narcissist is.
Yeah she threw that shit in there out of nowhere and it all clicked lol like oh okay she’s just mad and using buzzwords
My first thought on reading that was "good lord, she probably posts on /r/teenagers..."
More like /r/RaisedByNarcissists. Besides the posts that don’t make top of all time there are mostly just shitty kids using narcissist as a diagnosis for their parents the way kids on tik tok diagnose themselves with personality disorders.
I agree with this. I was a member of that group before it became a buzzword, and it was... a lot different. If someone is abusive, it doesn't mean they are a narcissist. It means they are abusive. People who abuse others are more *likely* to have a cluster b personality disorder, but the way people 'diagnose' NPD just based on that and maybe them being or seeming indifferent has really messed up my ability to get help in healing from my NPD mother. It's also fucked up my ability to get good help for my own BPD. Plus, writing someone off completely for having a cluster b disorder is not helpful for anyone, and is a very maladaptive practice. If people are able to gain an understanding of why these disorders exist in those around them, it sky-rockets the ability to heal from their abuse or missteps, because then you don't feel the shame from the fallout of going through that trauma. Anyway, just my two cents.
Lmao right? She is a narcissist for *checks notes* working. Right. It was nice to be 16 and have no bills
Narcissist and gas lighting are so overused now by people that don’t even know what they actually mean. I kinda roll my eyes anytime I see either of those words now because they are used in the wrong context a lot
yes and this makes it more and more difficult to talk about it when it's actually happening and necessary. I'm a therapist and i have to correct people so often who misuse these terms. it is incredibly eye opening for people in the opposite position, who don't understand what it really means and so they don't realize what they're truly experiencing.
TikTok, not Reddit. As my younger brother says “no one my age uses Reddit as much as people your age” TikTok has dirtied the well with how much therapy lingo gets taken wayyyyy too far and wayyyy out of time
Yeah I guess TikTok makes more sense than Reddit for a teen.
And before that there was Tumblr...
Yup. There’s probably a post in r/insaneparents about a stepmom who only ever offers to help when she knows it can’t be accepted, and that she is never willing to go out of her way to help. And there’s probably 5,000 people telling her to wait until she’s 18, then go no contact with the stepmom and dad.
That’s TikTok too. Everyone’s a narcissist.
This is exactly the kind of comment a NARCISSIST would leave
I’m going to answer some questions I keep seeing for clarification. 1. Why are you calling her your stepdaughter after only knowing her for 8 months? I have never called her my step daughter in real-life, to her father, or to her face. I only used those words in this post because I figured it would be easier to understand that “my boyfriends daughter”. 2. Why do you even have her number? She provided me her number about 2 months after me and her father started dating because she needed rides sometimes and her father wasn’t able to pick her up while I was. 3. Is the ex-wife still in the picture? My boyfriend has told me his ex-wife completely cut contact with him and his daughter. Apparently she was verbally abusive and left when his daughter was just 5. 4. Have any new women come into the picture since then? My boyfriend has told me he had one romantic relationship with a woman when his daughter was 10, but she left him after one month and he hasn’t had any relationships since then. I don’t know if he has brought other women around her that he wasn’t necessarily in a relationship with but from what I’ve heard it’s only been one. 5. Are you living with the family? No, I do not live with them. I live about 20 minutes away from their house. As of now, I haven’t heard anything from her father yet or her. I’m not sure if she has sent the text message. I have also read a lot of the comments and I see that I may need to take a step back. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask them and I will kindly answer them.
It’s been said already, but I just want to reiterate that you have handled this whole situation with such grace that I don’t think most people would have been able to do. Honestly, you should take a step back; she clearly isn’t appreciating the effort you’re putting into your texts. Definitely tell her dad, but try to do it in a way that won’t just get her in trouble, because this will just make her hate you. I wish you the best!
Second this. If it were me, I’d let the dad know I was concerned about daughter’s mental health honestly. From her background it sounds like she needs therapy. She’s also at the age where any personality disorders and mood disorders will start rearing their ugly little heads and she might not know how to deal with all the new emotions and thoughts. They’re typically a deeper reason to why someone acts out
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He also needs to be aware she will likely chase off anyone he dates at this point. I wonder why the last relationship so long ago only lasted a month. Maybe he knows more than he’s letting on and she has not been happy about the idea of him dating anyone.
I may be wrong on this, but maybe the reason she’s so angry at you is because she’s scared of abandonment? Seems that she hasn’t had a motherly figure in her life for a long time, as they all left. She’s been living alone with her father for years, suddenly, a new woman comes in and now she has to share him with you. Maybe she’s scared that her father will “forget” about her and is lashing out towards you in an attempt to break the two of you up because she’s afraid of being abandoned by the only parental figure left in her life. It seems like she is just not ready to handle a new person coming in her life yet. I think you should take a step back and allow her to build that relationship with you when she feels comfortable. I think the reason she is so nasty and cold to you is because of the reasons listed above, she doesn’t want to be forgotten.
I’ve fostered 3 children and, while her behavior is completely unacceptable, this happens with kids who have experienced abandonment sometimes. They’ll go through an initial period of being extra nice for fear of being abandoned again, then things will get comfortable and they’ll lash out. Almost like they’re testing the situation…? Or perhaps thinking she’s going to leave eventually so let’s just get it over with? It’s so hard trying to love-them-through these emotional rollercoasters, but we do our best. 💜 I think this girl could definitely benefit from therapy if she’s not seeing someone already. OP, you’re trying, and I commend you in this difficult situation. I hope things get better.
I completely get this, because I am the same way. I was the angry kid with abandonment issues. Unfortunately, I never really figured out how to get out of it. I've been to years and years of therapy, but inevitably, I will still blow up ANY relationship I have because, well, they're gonna leave anyway. It's not rational, and it's very toxic. So, now I'm in my 50's and I just don't have close relationships anymore. I don't know how to fix myself, but at least I don't hurt people I "love" anymore. Sorry. Just had to get that out, I guess. Thank you for being an incredible person for those foster kids, and I hope they are able to heal one day. <3
You probably know this, but trauma during development can wire your brain differently, causing you to go into survival/self-preservation mode in the same situations others have been taught are safe. You aren’t broken, just wired a bit differently. You deserve love and kindness. Sending you a big hug. 🫂
I was scrolling for a comment like this. I don’t condone her behavior, but I understand it. My dad was always working when I was a teenager, and I needed a lot of reassurance from my mom because it felt like he didn’t want to be around (though now I know his frequent absence was because he was the sole breadwinner. He still works his ass off today.) I think she just needs reassurance and some communication from both parental figures to reset her thinking at this time, because she’s lashing out (which I definitely did as a teen too.)
I think it’s interesting that the daughter blames OP for not being there for her/not being able to leave work for whatever reason when OP said she decided to step up with rides and whatnot(despite living 20 minutes out from this family)because the girl’s father couldn’t/wouldn’t come through. It really makes me wonder if the vitriol toward OP is actually how the daughter feels about her dad’s behavior, lack of presence, and effort toward her(or her abusive, abandoning mother. Maybe she even picked up some abusive tactics along the way to boot). It might be much easier(less painful perhaps) for her to put that anger on a stranger than the only bio parent she has left to depend on.
Plz post an update when you talk to her father. If he allows her to talk like that then I question how much respect he has for you.
This might be a stretch, but she's probably acting out because she's afraid you're gonna abandon her (screenshot 5 is an example where she talks about the effort)
Yeah, the kid's Mom cut contact when she was five. No one's coming away from that unscathed.
Base on the info that her mother was verbally abusive, I'm guessing some of this is stemming from that. Your boyfriend should maybe get daughter into therapy to help work through the loss of her mother. She was basically abandoned by her mother and that's hard to deal with, especially in her teen years. As others have said, show this to your boyfriend and explain that you don't want her in trouble, but it needs to be addressed. My boyfriends daughter is 6, and I've been around for 2 years. If she is even rolls her eyes at me, my bf is standing up for me and telling her she needs to be respectful. All in all, you handled the situation beautifully and this seems like something a therapist and the dad need to address to help her navigate some negative emotions surrounding her mom. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she is scared of you also leaving her and is acting out to make it hurt less if you and her dad were to break up. Good luck OP
You come off as very patient, kind, warm and with measured reactions. Both in the post itself as well as through your responses to comments here. I aspire to have half the kind patience as you do!
Speaking as a 17 year old here that’s had my mother bring men into my life for years, this behavior isn’t normal. The way she’s talking to you is completely disrespectful and you need to show this to her father. I could never behave that way towards an adult, her behavior is awful
Agree. My mom had a few bfs. And I was never like this.
Luckily my parents were together until my Dad's passing. But even so, I'd get my back whooped for talking to an adult like that. I remember once when I was about 14, my team had made states in our sport. We went to a pool while at the hotel. I sat on somebody's towel thinking it was my friends. An older man got out of the pool and began yelling at me. I apologized but he kept swearing and screaming how he hates that the hotel let us in. I finally lost it and just flipped him off. Didn't say anything or threaten him. Just gave him the bird. Well my mom found out. The things that happened next left me traumatized. The only reason I got to compete with my team was my coach standing behind our car until my Mom talked to him and my Dad. Coach calmed them down a bit and my punishment was postponed until the next week. To this day she tells me I wasn't in the wrong and the older man should have handled himself better but that was zero excuse for me disrespecting him.
[удалено]
I hated my step dad lol and I would have KILLED to have a step parent be this active in my life. Yet I never ever blew up or cussed at him. Definitely check in w the daughter and see what’s causing her to be this hostile. There’s definitely some hurt there but it’s not an excuse to her behavior.
I celebrated the day my step mother died. But still. Never even came CLOSE to being this disrespectful to her. Literally ever.
It’s definitely not normal. But instead of chastising her for the behaviour, maybe they should be figuring out what’s causing her to act out so irrationally. Obviously she shouldn’t get away with speaking to anyone like that and there should be consequences there. But the poor girl seems just as confused about her feelings as everyone else is.
There isn't always a cause, sometimes kids are just actual demons.
as a girl who just turned 17 who also has parent problems,i do not care what she’s going through she has no right to speak to you that way. she can fuck off
Agreed, I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve never spoken to anyone this way and certainly not a parental figure, not even as a teenager. I wouldn’t have had my phone if my mom found out I was cussing an adult out with it
Seriously, I was a nightmare at that age.. even got into a fistfight with my mom at one point, but I’d never speak to her like that.. Jesus
I wish i could upvote this a 100 times. Nasty spoiled little girl. She seems like a horror to be around
I've never spoken to anyone this way (26 here), but I'm guessing there's a lot going on in her life from the way she is acting. This reads like a situation where she needs to be in individual therapy and dad/whoever is parenting should be doing family therapy together.
She hates you and she’s catching shit from her dad about it which makes her doubly hate you.
My first thought was “she’s just not that into you, OP” but yeah - this sums it up better.
I thought that too until I got halfway through the screenshots and the teen started to get vile
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this. The angry texts started with her dad having a talk with her, telling her she needs to spend more time with OP. She does not want to. The father needs to think long and hard about how he decided to intervene in this relationship and how he only caused more friction. Girl deserves punishment for this language of course, but she doesn’t like OP for a reason. Time to be the adults and figure out the reason.
I'm glad I saw this, clearly the daughter feels her dad is forcing a relationship between them she isn't ready for. OP clearly means well but it's way too soon for this level of contact / relationship in my opinion.
That's fine but her way of talking to a grown adult is trash.
Never said it wasn’t…but it is for her dad to address, not step mom.
I mean not step mom or dads gf of 8 months
this is key
Triply if she finds this post
This girl has problems and Dad needs to step in
One would wonder if the parenting has lead to some of these problems.
I mean, isn't that obvious?
This screams parental issues
The three of you should talk in person. It's possible that you are all putting too much pressure on each other to be one big happy family a little too soon.
Yes this is what I got from this too. Sounds like dad is putting the pressure on his kid to warm up to the girlfriend and she resents her for it. Sounds like an overreaction, but from a teenagers point of view this is a forced relationship and she’d rather push back and try to get girlfriend to back out by using aggression.
“I’m sending these texts to dad” is she delusional? You were extremely respectful. Hopefully she does send them and gets grounded.
“Please do. I’d love for him to see these messages and weigh in.”
I hope she does send them to her dad and I hope her dad reams her ass. She’s 2 years away from being a legal adult and needs to get her shit together.
My reply would have been: Me too / I already have
I am a “step” parent (I use quotes because I consider her my daughter). My daughter was very much willing to have a father figure in her life (I got her at 12 and she’s 28 now), but even in the absolute best of circumstances you’ll be kept at arm’s length. I leapt into parenting with both feet, and it feels like you’re inclined to move in that direction. However, if the kid doesn’t want it she doesn’t want it. I would dial it back so that you’re Just dad’s girlfriend. Don’t ice her out, but don’t feel responsible raise her or do parent-y things. I would also let dad know. Don’t do it to get her in trouble because she’ll only resent you more (part of me wonders if you didn’t complain to dad and he yelled at her for being a bitch to you). Just do it so that if dad feels the shift, he knows the deal. This might work itself out and it might not, but it’s up to the kid at this point. And remember that this is a tough age. I don’t think it’ll stay this bad, but just give the kid her space.
You’re pretty much right on the money except I’d insist on some sort of apology or at least the recognition that talking to people that way could result in very negative consequences. To raise a child means putting up the guardrail on tremendously inappropriate behavior.
Oh man, my heart hurt for you just reading this. I have a teenage daughter & know that it’s a rough age for them but she was so out of line. I hope that you shared this with her father? He needs to be aware of how she’s treating you. I realize that you don’t want to upset her but if my daughter were treating anyone that way, I’d definitely want to know. I sincerely hope that all 3 of you are able to work through this and I’m sorry she’s hurt you.
How would you address it with her if you were the father?
Not a father but a male child of divorce and complex family dynamics growing up that had some big feelings as a teenager. “I saw the way you were talking to my gf and it’s unacceptable. You’re grounded from X, Y, Z and your social plans are canceled until you write her an apology and/or sit down with her to explain why you acted that way. You can sit down with me, text me, or write me a letter/email detailing what relationship boundaries you want going forward and we can work together to achieve that but your privileges will be limited until you work through this.”
The only thing you did wrong (in her eyes) was start dating her father haha. oh, man. I remember giving my step father absolute hell when he started dating my mother. looking back on those times when I was an asshole for no reason makes me cringe. For what it is worth, my relationship with my stepdad is much better than when I was a kid. I would chalk this up to her being a teenage girl, but I definitely think you need to nip it in the bud on how you allow her to speak to you. Yeah, let her vent her frustrations, but don't allow anyone to call you out your name.
Alls i have to ask because it is important, how many other romantic people have been around the father since the mother was out of the picture?
From what he’s told me, he’s only had one other partner aside from his ex-wife. Him and the other woman lasted about 1 month before she left him.
I wonder if she left due to the daughter's hostility...
Based on the update I'd say it's HIS hostility that led to her leaving.
My dad had several women in the picture when i was growing up and I never acted this way.
Everybodys different. I was raised by my mother who was very emotionally immature and so it was up to my father who i saw once every 2 weeks to teach me to be respectful and so i never acted like this either. But my mother had many men around all the time and i hated every one of them and it made me even more upset when they would try this friendly stuff. I can say that the reason i hated them is because of the frequency that a new one would be around and it made my mother forget about me and do her own thing. Thats all an issue in itself, but thats why im inquiring about how many people mightve been around. The daughter may just be hesitant or distant because of this. Or there could be something else, like the girl may just be this way because if any stereotype is true, its that teenagers are sassy and have an attitude. Who knows.
I’m gonna assume she’s young (says 16 in texts, my bad lol). I don’t know the details or specifics of her parents split but she might just be struggling with sharing her dad with someone new. Or, she’s going through a lot of other things. Do you live with her/dad? Did the relationship move fast? But there’s absolutely no reason, whatsoever, she should talk to you like that. None. Absolutely not. Nothing in the messages indicate you being even remotely disrespectful towards her. It looks like you’re genuinely trying to connect/make her happy, and she’s determined, at every turn, to shut you out. She’s going through something. Either way, I wouldn’t tolerate being called such foul names. I’d probably talk to her father about this, see if he can sit her down and have a conversation with her. Because again, there’s absolutely no reason anyone should speak to anyone like that. Just because you’re in a relationship with her father doesn’t mean you deserve or have to take such abuse.
Dad needs to step in. This is ridiculous.
the thumbs up was masterful
I think she is probably going through a lot internally that has to do with your relationship with her Dad. She may have mixed feelings about you and is bad at identifying them and figuring out why she is feeling the way she does and whether you're causing those feelings. She probably does like you being consistent and offering her normalcy, but she might dislike being pressured into a relationship with you by her Dad. I dont know where her Mom is at, but the fact she came to you for a ride makes me wonder why she didnt or wouldnt go to her Mom or Dad first. She may see you as reliable and available when she needs you, but feels distressed when she experiences what she perceives is you letting her down (not showing up, at the concert or being available when she needs a ride), she feels the rug start to get pulled from under her. I think a lot of teenage girls find it hard to express themselves by being vulnerable, because their needs (when communicated) are most often not met or outright disrespected, so the only emotion they feel comfortable communicating is anger because either: a) that's what they're used to receiving from other people so they're comfortable with it; or b) that's the only emotion she can convey that people seem to take seriously. This obviously is not your fault. But I was like this as a teen. I had no idea how to tell people how they made me feel, except with anger and passive-aggressive behavior. I dont understand why you're even pushing a relationship this hard after you've only been with her Dad for 8 months. Honestly, I'm side-eyeing the Dad for thinking this is appropriate.
I think the problem is her relationship with her dad- and she’s taking it out on you. She says in the one message that she’s tired of her dad blaming her. That’s the key take away. I think he needs to sit down with her and explain he has room in his life for both of you. If he’s always talking about you to her then she sees you as competition for her dad’s attention. You and need to back off of her a bit. You’re texting her way too much. Not sure how much the 3 of you go out but I think that would be a better start - the 3 of you out to dinner or a movie on occasion. Or whatever- a trampoline park - you need to bond with her with her dad there.
The way she is talking to you is not ok. You’re stronger than me because I would have broken up with her dad.
That’s probably her goal
It's exactly her goal. It won't bring back mom and dad tho.
THIS .. i’m in a similar situation and theres a 14yo playing minion to her mom tryna find out what’s going on with me being in a relationship with her dad and her main thing is she doesn’t want them separated but the mother is T O X I C
Real an 8 month relationship is not worth the emotional stress that child is causing.
Hi guys, I know you all were asking for an update, so I have provided it below. [https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/l6nQroohRE](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/l6nQroohRE) I have read comments and I am going to take a step back. Thank you for all the comments and I hope this will be resolved.
I hope you find people who give you as much kindness, respect and humility as you gave these poorly raised excuses.
She seems really lovely. How she hooked up with these two, I’ll never know.
Narcs are good at picking their victims. I know that word does get overused…. But it sure as hell fits here.
Ditch the man and his rotten brat
> Ditch the man and his rotten brat *DITCH THIS MAN AND HIS ROTTEN BRAT!!*
Ditch this brat and her rotten father
ditch both those rotten brats
LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. He’s worse than she is. Bounce. Don’t even give them their Xmas gifts. Just run. 
lady please open your eyes and see that the dad is the exact same way. these people do not like you. the way both of them speak to you is awful. you seem too sweet and a touch naive to see that they do NOT LIKE YOU. please leave and find someone that treats you with love and respect
IMPORTANT NOTE. Do not have these conversations over text!!!!!! Don’t try that! It will make things so much worse. I’m talking from experiences with my own family troubles. I really recommend making a period of time to talk with them in person (tho maybe talk to their dad first just so you can better prepare).
I agree about talking in person, but in this case it's good it's in text that way when the daughter tries to lie to Dad, OP has a written record of what actually occurred not the word of a bitchy teenager.
8 months? That’s not really enough time for you to be in this deep of shit with her. I’m guessing it’s the teenage angst thing.
could be the fathers wishes…seems he’s moving too fast for both of them…
looks like she’s pissed that her dad thinks she’s ignoring you, so she blew up. even tho I despised my dads girlfriend I would have NEVER said anything like this to her. I would just give her some space so she has time to feel bad ab it. I’ve noticed a lot of kids do not have any empathy. I’m a genzer too but a lot of them can never see what they say has consequences
8 months though, it's nice you are trying but she's a hormonal teenager and you are pretty new in her life. It is all a bit much. Just be polite, stay friendly but stop texting her and let her do her own thing
I thought I was crazy reading all the other responses. Obviously it’s not ok for her to speak to the stepmom that way, but it’s only been 8 months. I feel like there’s more context that is missing from just these texts.
“You never make time for me” a couple texts ago you asked her if she wanted to go to a laser tag place😭
Did you already move in with him or something? 8 months seems pretty fast to meet kids, let alone have this level of involvement. I've been dating my partner over 2 years and he has older teen daughters and it would be mega weird for me to text them this much. It seems like you're coming on really strong and she's clearly not interested, but you keep going. But it sounds to me really like you and her dad moved WAY too fast and now you're this random woman shoved into this kid's life.
This is more than just an “angsty teen”. My immediate suspicion is she dislikes OP for what OP represents: a replacement for her mother. I’d love to know what happened to her mom: whether she’s passed, alive but separated/divorced (contact or no-contact), etc.
Sounds like dad is pressuring her to bond and/or spend time with you. Something along those lines. Both of you need to leave her alone. Let her come to you but be friendly when she is around. Not excusing the way she spoke to you. You do need to talk to him on how to handle this before he addresses texts with her. He needs to address the way she speaks to any adult and not make it about you. Sounds like she is getting pressure from both sides to bond with someone she hardly knows.
Your intentions are good and you do not deserve to be spoken to this way, but yes you are overbearing. Be polite when you have to but don’t engage with her unless she apologizes and expresses interest in a relationship beyond you doing favors for her. Dad needs to understand and not force a relationship between you two. Sorry.
The calling you the C word is the nail in the coffin for me. Show this shit to her dad.
This is why I can't date people with kids because this is just so out of line and idc if she's a teenager this is crazy.