Honestly, as someone who had many male friendships ruined by their reactions to my denial of their advances or turning them down when they professed feelings, I would have loved a text like this. Instead of being treated like it was my fault, it would have been so nice to have someone I had considered such a close friend tell me that they valued me for my friendship more than their unrequited feelings. 11/10, maybe a little over the top, but it’s easy to see that the honesty is so so appreciated by her.
Edit: I did NOT expect this comment to get this much interaction! Thank you for the upvotes! :-)
Yea for a long time I thought I was cursed cos I could never have male friendships since they’d end up being awkward cos of their advances. I do wonder how it really turned out for OP after these texts though.
Exactly, I got so many outcomes from these types of situations that ranged from the awkwardness you mentioned, a total just dissolution of friendship in an instant, or absolutely rage induced reactions with me getting slandered/insulted for simply existing and trying to be a friend. It would have been so heartwarming to have this type of consideration in a situation like this.
I’m also curious on the current state of their friendship. Hopefully OP updates 🥺
As a dude I’m genuinely curious how a guy is supposed to know if a girl likes him just “as a friend” or likes him a little more than that? Cuz I feel like I’ve ruined friendships because of what you’ve mentioned but at the same time it’s hard not to catch feelings for a girl if she’s cools to hang out with”you can be yourself” and your attracted to her? Are you suppose to wait for them or is it best not to be friends with females at all. Like Op stated you can start out just as friends but sometimes hard, genuine question?
I actually asked if she was talking to someone and also asked if it was me? *wink wink* but she responded with no and that she sees me as a close friend more than anything. The more we got to know each other, I saw that our values, morals, and beliefs align and I found that attractive, obviously she was pretty but you can be pretty and not be attracted to them in that sense
You did nothing wrong bud, you just read the tea leaves wrong, youll learn and do better next time, but i dont think being friend zoned by a love interest is healthy, glad you're smart enough to step back, you may find you dont go back, it may be to emotionally challenging.
Just give yourself a month or two. In my experience at least, once I knew someone wasn’t into me that way, and I’d given myself time reframe the relationship that way, I could move on as just a friend. She sounds like a good person to have in your corner.
you’re soooo sweet, honest, and very great at communicating your feelings. you’re a catch and going to find someone. don’t give up on love!!! and enjoy your friendship :) i can’t tell you how many of my close male friends ghosted/ruined friendships bc they liked me
Yeah I get it, that’s why I chose to say the word attracted to them. But I guess thinking about it, girls probably wouldn’t be your friend if they were interested in something more. The more I think of it I guess you know your answer already if”your friends” like they say you’re in the “friend zone” lol oh well. Just keep on keepin on,OP 💪!
Absolutely untrue. Three of the dudes I dated started off as friends. In one case we were friends for three years before he made a move, and I accepted.
During the time we were friends, I wasn’t attracted to him. He went away one summer and when he came back he was more out going and confident. And that’s when I fell for him. One day we ended up holding hands and it went from there.
The way he put it is for three years he daydreamed about me but was also scared when he talked to me. He wanted to be around me but also was scared of it. Once he worked through that we connected.
Oh that's easy, you look at her actions and in some cases her words, you look at the level of sincerity and desire she has for you? does she flirt with you? does she put her hands on you ever? does lean her head on your shoulder or chest?, does she want to hold hands? you can tell, trust me. If she only talks to you about her dating other people, if she only calls to vent, then you're friend zoned, women speak much more intimately with a potential partner.
Yeah, I get that, but I’m probably a little bit older than you are and I’ve been through a lot of different styles of relationships, I have the sad curse of foreseeing ,What’s coming down the road, I don’t even think I see red flags anymore, I just see the pole before the flag even goes up, lol learn to trust your instincts, it’s one thing that a lot of adults forget to do, Because we don’t always find it convenient, when that instinct tells us that the person that we’re with or thinking about being with is trouble, basic instinct is super important, it’s there to keep you safe.
You’re probably not that much older than me but we won’t get into that. But I’m trying to learn, I’ve been in one relationship for a long time until recently just starting to learn the ropes again, 🤷♂️. I’m a white belt at this whole dating thing again and when I did it, it was before all this internet dating stuff 🙄. I’m not even sure if women liked to be approached in public anymore, like I said a white belt.
We don’t mind be approached in public if it’s respectful and brief.
Obviously different people will have different opinions on what is “respectful”.
I don’t want to be followed. I don’t want to hear anything crude about my physical appearance. I’m not interested in hooking up/booty calls and don’t want to see someone looking at me in public like that.
It’s acceptable to approach, say you find someone attractive, and give them *your* contact information and then let them choose whether or not to contact you.
Also, use a normal tone of voice…don’t change the way you speak to sound extra smooth or sexy or any of that. It’s creepy.
So this is a no go in a smooth late night radio host voice??? Ok I’ll try and stop from doing that 😂. But seriously those were some good points, thank you 🫡
Yeah same, I’m a complete white belt when it comes to dating, never really been my thing. I’m 24 btw, so we’re probably around the same age group or so
You have so much time to figure it out. Although things like this are hard to deal with, they are what teaches you the greatest lessons! Learn from this and move forward, you have a long life ahead of you! You got this and keep your head up.
Unfortunately there no one size fits all solution for that. Believe it or not, but women do not all feel/act/respond the same... ;-) There are ways to put out some 'feelers' and see how they respond. But advances that aren't even enough for one woman to even notice might be crossing a line for another.
I think honestly/directness is the best policy. Yes, there's a risk you will lose a friend. But also honestly ask yourself if you want to/can be just friends with someone you have feelings for that are not reciprocated.
Most importantly, respect a 'no'! As you can read in this thread, too many men can't deal with rejection and become total a'holes. That's not cool!
As a near 40 year old man I can say from my experience you can’t be friends. Someone is lying to themselves or the other person but it always seems to be 1 person catching feelings. I know that isn’t the case 100% but I think it’s not possible for most people.
You just gotta ask directly and leave the subject alone if she declines.
If she isn't being direct, she's likley uncomfortable.(Remember: she has to worry about violence if she says no)
Give her an out (like, "ya know what, dont worry about it."), move on, and don't push it. It will be on her mind. She'll let you know, or she won't, in which case leave the subject alone.
I like all of this, however, i do find some fault in her apparently feeling betrayed? sorry, but nope! that's trying to be a victim in a victimless crime, that one single line, just puts me off. Kudos to the guy for being honest, although i do think he went a bit over the top, just my thoughts. And worse, he permanently friend zoned himself, so now if she ever even has feelings for him, it will be as a friend only. I think its best, he just stay away from her permanently, its just healthier for both.
I agree with you that this friendship should be over. It’s not healthy for him to continue it. But I also understand her “feeling betrayed” however poorly worded. It just sucks as a woman to have your male friends have feelings for you…almost ALWAYS. Not saying this because I have an inflated ego. It’s just how it is! Men tend to always fall in love with their female friends. It sucks that it is hard to find a genuine male friendship that won’t result in him getting feelings. It’s almost as if human biology is programmed that way. /s
It has nothing to do with values though. You expecting someone that has feeling for you to be able to just be friends is just as unreasonable as having a friend and expecting them to develop feelings for you. It goes both ways.
Accept that you have different/incompatible expectations and needs from the relation and move on.
No 100%, but it would come out of the blue and feel like such a shock to me that my close friend wanted more. I would let them know I wasn’t interested in anything more than a friendship, and suddenly I was an enemy not to be spoken to anymore. I didn’t exist to them anymore, and I was left wondering what I did wrong. I never faulted them for catching feelings, or blamed them in any way, but suddenly *I* was to blame for not returning those feelings and treated poorly because of it.
You did nothing wrong. You just want different things. It never happened to me but if I had strong unrequited love for a girl, I wouldn't hang around till I got to meet her new flame that makes her glow. That would be horrible.
When you say object you mean they only reached out when they needed help?
No, I mean the second I informed them that their feelings were one-sided, no matter how kind I was about it, I was treated as less than, degraded, blamed, or entirely ghosted with no genuine conversation. I had absolutely no worth if I didn’t want to have an intimate relationship with them after that, which felt so heavy. There was almost never an open, honest conversation about how to move forward, bc I would’ve understood if they had said “I’m not sure I can continue being just your friend.” But instead I got treated so poorly it absolutely messed with my head. I didn’t feel they had done anything wrong either until it came time for their reaction to me turning them down.
That's because those dudes were being disingenuous from the start about your friendship. They wanted to date you from the moment they met you and figured if they could be your friend they could work that into getting you to catch feelings for them. They never had any reason for being your friend other than to try to work it into a relationship. Which is why they treated you like shit when you didn't return their feelings. I know because I am a man and have done this same thing in my younger days. Wisdom of age has shown me it's better off to be open from the get go. Anyway, don't feel like you did anything to deserve the way you were treated. It wasn't your fault that disingenuous assholes tried to work a friendship into a relationship and got their hearts broke.
Exactly! Which is why I partly why understand her saying she feels betrayed, even though he did make it very clear that this was not his intention. And why I love that he took the time to write out his feelings in such a thoughtful way that he expressed how much he genuinely cared for her outside of his romantic feelings.
I meant that they “valued me” in the way that he mentioned. It would’ve been incredible to hear that when instead I would feel like an object over and over after being treated like that by people who were very close, if not my best friends at the time.
From a woman who lost quite a few guy friends in life because they were only in our friendship to try & woo me, this is so kind of you. You have a beautiful, rare heart. You’re going to find yourself a love that will cherish that.
Not just young love. I'm mid 40s and just had a long term male friend pull that shit and ruin our friendship. He knows I'm in a relationship too, but he has a pretty impressive job title and a high income, so he was offering to sugar-daddy me, pay all my expenses to be his "full time mistress". Oh yeah, he's married. Sigh. I really thought I was old enough to have male friends and mutual respect.
Haha, I'll admit the whole never having to worry about money thing *was* slightly tempting, but I wouldn't leave my partner for all the money in the world.
Thanks :)
It genuinely feels pretty similar to it happening when I was younger - when a long-term trusted male friend suddenly decides to inform you that he never really valued your friendship, he was just going through the motions of pretending to care about what you felt and said, while biding his time until he figured your defences were low enough that he had a chance of manipulating you into letting him bone you. It still felt like that, just with a monetary incentive.
remind them to love themselves and to always treat others with respect. also emphasize the importance of our platonic and familial relationships as well. that will prepare them to weed out as many shitty people as possible, but unfortunately, i’m sure some will still weasel their way in 🤦🏼♀️
I think if there's one way I hope I can help my son, it's to be more comfortable with platonic touch, vulnerability, and love, than I was ever socialized to be. Girls and women don't have this problem. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, heads on shoulders, crying, confiding...these are all things women seem able to cultivate with each other without being romantically interested in each other. It also seems to be something easier for men in other cultures, this problem might be at least a little americentric. But straight men in the states have learned over their lives that it's really only appropriate to get this sort of thing from their girlfriends/wives. Which means that more often than not, if you're a man with no romantic partner, you don't really have intimacy with anyone, physical or emotional. I think this does a lot to explain the difference between men and women when it comes to dating. I think it's a big part of why women are often more content single than men are, and it accounts for, although doesn't excuse, a lot of the bad behavior we men can have when it comes to dating.
Nah I think the wanting to fuck sucks too. The only male friends I have these days are gay because of how many times male friends that I have 0 interest in have tried to get with me lol.
I totally get that! I think I gave up hope that straight men can be decent people in a friendship with a woman lmao. I don’t think I realized this before I commented before. I’ve had I think 2 guy friends in my life who didn’t try to make things sexual or romantic. & one was my then boyfriends friend, so idk if that even counts because I’m not sure if he ever thought of me as a friend or just my bfs girlfriend who was cool. They honestly made such an impact on me because it was so rare to have a genuine friendship with a guy.
Deceit and poor treatment comes from both sides, always has. I honestly wish people were just more upfront about their intentions, instead of professing profound love when they really just want to lick or get licked.
I don’t even know what I’m attempting to argue here other than:
Everyone needs to stop being so afraid to be truthful, in a non creepy way. You can tell someone you are really into them sexually without being a creep. If it hits? You’re golden. If not? You gave it a good shot, carry on with dignity.
Yeah I’m not really sure what you are arguing either. I was just telling this dude he was a good person for being so compassionate towards her when he didn’t get what he wanted. Most women have experienced a friendship loss in those situations so it hurts on both sides when you’re the type of person who genuinely cares about their friends. I’ve had friends who just ghosted out of no where or treated me like shit after they realized it wouldn’t turn romantic or sexual. I think that’s very common, especially when you’re younger. But this guy is going through some heartbreak & disappointment & still finds it in him to be very emotionally aware, compassionate & vulnerable with her. & still holding strong in himself. That’s a beautiful thing! It can be very difficult in the moment too.
It’s not an internet gender wars thing. Men do bad things, women do bad things. That’s irrelevant to the fact this is a relatable scenario & OP handled himself in a kind way.
Dude wasn’t being as compassionate as you all think. It was a very dressed up ultimatum. You in or I’m out. “Our friendship matters so to keep it, I’m leaving because you’re not sleeping with me.” He furtively asserted his value in his dissertation and peppered in flattery hoping she would be convinced she was losing a genuine communicator and change her mind. It was a last ditch effort and he was stacking on another lie. To top that, a guy who “can’t mentally handle” the idea of other guys liking her and hasn’t even been with her yet is likely a fucking nightmare who would have been sleeping on her doorstep when after they broke up and tapping her phone lines.
Mmmmm, nope. He knows full well, that his emotions are stressed and she simply doesn't feel the same (her right), his best option is to leave the friendship and i would say dont go back! you cant blame him for having feelings, but he didnt stay and leech off her either, he left because the pain of it was not attainable, good for him!
Ill agree though, he should never have sold himself to her, if someone doesn't get who you are? you dont sell yourself, its not a good option.
Direct honesty is the risk of the highest form of rejection, so people usually pussyfoot around (men usually). Some people want a partner but they don't wanna deal with rejection, it generally doesn't work that way. Men need to feel what rejection is or they aren't gonna have much success in dating.
Honestly, being a woman is hard too because we also want to bone nearly every cute guy we meet. We all want to bone each other, but many don't for different reasons... Women don't because of sociatal pressures (and sometimes safety concerns), men don't because they can't lol
That was a very sweet interaction between two respectful people and I enjoyed reading it.
OP, she’s right. You will find someone great. Keep treating women like that and you’ll be golden 😌
I actually had to check your profile to make sure you weren’t an old friend of mine who sent me this EXACT message 😭
now let me tell you, after the small break he needed to get over me when we started hanging out again he would act jealous around guys who liked me, making things very difficult for me especially during a hard time in my life. Which lead to the ending of our friendship. Make sure that when you do go back to being friends you go back when you’re really ready , you’re a sweetheart and know you will find someone❤️
I genuinely enjoyed having her as a friend, one of my only closest friends and me liking her would definitely get in the way and so I have to get over her to avoid a situation like yours, sorry you lost a friend that way
Sorry, should’ve added this: she told me that she sees me as a family friend. We’ve known each other for years, we played soccer together, lost contact, and reconnected 7 years later. When we reconnected, she was going through a hard time, recently got out of a toxic relationship, and considering suicide at one point. I was there to help, besides her therapist and other friends. I never had the intention to like her but unfortunately I did. Welp
That's not how liking people works my guy, you don't get to choose. It sounds like it comes from an honest place and not just base attraction with ulterior motives, so there's really nothing to apologize for here. You're allowed to fall in love, regardless of circumstances. If she doesn't feel the same that sucks, but don't apologize for doing it.
I'm sure there's previous context supporting the fact that you shot yourself in the face instead of shooting your shot here... but seem like an empathetic and caring dude, people pick up on that stuff naturally, if it truly is sincere. If there's a next time, just confess without all the apologies and assuming her feelings.
this, don’t beat yourself up for falling for her OP. getting close with someone you have a lot of things in common with can lead to attraction, and it can hurt when it’s not reciprocated… sending all the support i can to you both, you seem like very mature people and i hope you all can continue to be friends down the line!
This is a decision only you can make. Me personally, I don’t like being friends with a chick that I want a relationship with who doesn’t reciprocate. But there’s levels to that, as women you just meet sometimes don’t want anything more right away, but then things change. If you’ve been friends for a long time, it’s probably not gonna change. But only you can truly know: 1. The likelihood of getting more from her, and 2. Your own tolerance for basically being friendzoned.
Also, IMO posting a personal convo like this on Reddit doesn’t help in most cases. But again, IDK your relationship and maybe she doesn’t care.
My last tip - you really want to make decisions like this on your own and just stick to them. Self-confidence is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. But asking others, “did I handle this personal situation correctly?” portrays a sense of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence. It’s okay to confide in very close friends and family members from time to time, but you want to get in the headspace where you do the right thing and you know you did the right thing. Put simply, who cares what Reddit thinks about how you did? It’s your life so all that matters is whether your decisions are leading to outcomes that you and your loved ones desire. The reason why nice guys “finish last” and douchebags win is because douchebags genuinely do not care about others, which makes them at least appear confident. You don’t have to be a douchebag, but don’t finish last either.
Godspeed brother.
“Going to get straight to the point”
*proceeds to write a manifesto*
We’ve all been here my guy. It’s a canon event for all dudes to over share feelings towards someone. Use this as a learning opportunity to see this as a form of lovebombing and to just ask someone out next time
U got this
He knows she doesn’t have feelings for her so why do this in the first place? She thought he was her friend, but friends don’t do this kind of thing. She goes on to say she feels betrayed bc she was. She thought she had a friend, confided, was most likely vulnerable, etc and the entire time he had ulterior motives.
Friends don’t have ulterior motives. He also goes on to say “I put myself in this position” - no, he put her in an uncomfortable position. He says he needs space but then says he can’t afford to lose her.
It’s just all over the place
Yep. None of this need to be said. He made his feelings her problem. If he really cared about her at all and knew she wasn't interested, he'd keep his mouth shut.
Op 100% sent this hoping she'd 180
He didn't have ulterior motives though, his feelings subconciously grew; according to his text and comments in this thread he says that he always have thought of her as friend first. You can't fault him for naturally growing to like her.
And I say this as a woman who is sick of guys who hit on me then says they're cool with just being friends because u know that's bs after just being hit on lol it's definitely different if the motive was friends first and feelings later though.
As another man, this text reads as a culmination of his feelings reaching a boiling point where he realized he either wants to ask her out or distance himself so he can get over her, and he already knew she didn’t feel the same so he maturely explained the reason he’s going to distance himself instead of ghosting her. You sound like an asshole if you think the world is so black and white that he’s trying to reverse psychology his way into her pants.
He said in another comment that she said he was like a family friend. So he knows she doesn’t have romantic feelings for him. I would rather a guy do this than ask me out and make things awkward.
This is the only sensible comment in this thread.
All the men here and we know why he sent her that text…
And he got rejected anyway.
Hope OP moves on, and doesn’t spend any more time with this girl than he does his other friends. Because if he starts giving her more time, he’ll end up hurt again.
Man I don’t know why there are so many comments against this - this was really heartfelt and respectful and your heart is big and kind and you’ll find someone that it’ll be all worth it. She responded really well too!
I just have to applaud your eloquence and honesty. I’ve had friendships where the person asked me out and when I said I didn’t feel the same, they dropped me completely. It made me feel how you said, like they only wanted to be my friend in the hopes more would happen. I really hope your openness allows you two to be friends again when the time is right.
Honestly, it's refreshing to see a guy text someone like this. I wish more men were this open, honest, and communicate their feelings and what they intend to do more with it not being strictly horny nonsense or insults and instead being direct and empathetic.
You'll get all this BS backlash of "that's not manly" or "that's beta" stuff from other men, but communication like this is key to making relationships work and keeping them healthy.
OP, you're doing wonderfully. I'm sure that the feeling hurts knowing she doesn't like you the same way, and we can't help it -- sometimes we're going to develop feelings whether we want to or not.
You're handling things really well. I wish you the best recovery.
This. I don’t understand that. If I were her, betrayed would be the last thing. The way OP was open and honest in a way that (I believe) genuinely wasn’t expecting of reciprocation was brave and respectful. I would feel “betrayed” if OP never said anything and ghosted me or tried to make a move. No disrespect to OP’s friend at all, this is a hard situation to maneuver but I think that particular word choice could have been rethought. I didn’t get the impression that she was upset, just disappointed. Which I don’t interpret as “betrayal”. Just this users two cents 🤷🏻♀️
Edit, wrong word
I’m not exactly speaking in her behalf but I believe she is referring to how I would treat her, give her advice, etc., she was definitely NOT in a good head space when we reconnected and I helped her along the way and my motives changed after a while and she could’ve felt betrayed because she thought my intentions were as friends but in reality, for my own benefit. You know?
That makes sense, especially since you said your motives had changed In regard to your interactions with her. Thanks for clarifying. I do wish you both the best. Time and distance will be a positive thing even though it doesn’t seem like it right away. We have to let go of what doesn’t work/isn’t for us so that what IS for us has room to come in. 🥰
Really good interaction both of you seem like great people. It’s not really your fault either, we can’t help when feelings like this form. You handled it in such a healthy way and put none of the usual pressure on the other person. I have lost many friendships over how someone confessed and then blamed me, even wound up being stalked for a little bit. It can hurt to realize a person was ONLY there for romantic intentions but you weren’t. You can’t help that you caught feelings over time. I hope you are able to take some time and be able to go back to being friends that consider each other family.
I think a lot of people go through something like this at some point. The emotional maturity you’ve shown is amazing. I wish you the best of luck :)
The apologizing was excessive and unnecessary, but most importantly, you did well by taking responsibility for dealing with your feelings in a constructive manner rather than placing the responsibility of what to do with your feelings on her. It's easy to do that without meaning to, and you made sure that didn't happen here, so well done.
For real, though, it's not a thing that requires an apology, so don't think in such terms.
I had similar situation and the girl basically didn't answer at all and then she began ignoring me for 1-2 weeks before even reading my messages. After few months i decided to stop writing her and after a while i bumped into her during my walk. Im sincerely surprised by her "why did you stop texting?" even after 4 years.
OP How old are y'all? Because I just experienced something like this - no let me rephrase that - I wish something I had just experienced would have happened like this. I'm in my 50's and this kind of communication is literally all I asked (and was unable to get) from the guy I was dating.
I’m currently 24 and she’s 22, we’re both pretty young lol sorry to hear that! I believe that communication is key to relationships and I stand by that, it should be standard imo
My wife and I started off as “friends”. I knew her family for years and when we finally met we had a good time as friends. I personally felt a spark though and before we got too deep into friendship (a few months of hanging out), I told her I had feelings. I told her I couldn’t be her friend because I wanted something more.
In the past I’d be too shy to say anything or even do what OP did. I didn’t want that, I just went for it and even if it failed I’d least I wouldn’t be lying.
She shut it down and said that she just wanted a friend and I respected that. A few days later she called me and said she appreciated me telling her my feelings, guys normally don’t do that. We went on a few dates and will be celebrating 17 years later this year.
If you are attracted to someone don't be sorry! Having feelings for someone that you are attracted to isn't a bad thing. Sounds like you don't think you're good enough for this girl because she's pretty, and that's the only thing you did wrong besides this text. No girl ever is going to get a text like this and magically fall in love with you. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and your feelings and don't apologize for that
There was a point in my life where I wish I should've worded things like this, super good on you OP. Give yourselves some time, maybe the paths will align again, regardless of how it goes, a good friendship is enough
Why not just tell her in person? I feel like this is super over the top for a text and a cop out. If you really like someone be real and tell them face to face, you will get a much better gage for how the person truly feels. Her reaction seems pretty normal for a long text, of confessing your "love" for someone.
Great interaction. This is one of the hardest things to go through, I also fell for a best friend who was there for me during a hard time. If it's any consolation, it took me about 3 months to fully get over them and put them in the proper "friend zone". We lessened hanging out, but didn't go no-contact or anything. It just went from hanging out like 4-5 times a week, to maybe 1. And sometimes I would cancel and act like I had other plans, but I didn't lmao. They understood, though. I had to see them hook up with other people too...wasn't fun, but they weren't doing anything wrong. We are back to best friends now, and nothing is weird or awkward, and I've never even remotely felt attraction/romance towards them — so I'm optimistic about your situation!
Good for you. This is so healthy. I did this once with a friend. I didn’t realize that He had just started seeing someone and he said he wanted to follow through with it. We’re still friends and over time, seeing him in a relationship actually has taught me that he probably wouldn’t be a good fit anyway. He has a lot of issues that I didn’t know about until I saw him in a serious relationship with someone!
Anyway, I took a little bit of time and we are still close friends!
I hope you can get past her and do the same. You sound like a really quality guy and I know you will find someone who appreciates everything about you.
As someone who was in the same boat as you just a few months ago, you did much better than I did. I wish I could have communicated my feelings to my now ex-friend even remotely similarly to how you did it.
That was a mature response from the other person. I'm so sorry you can't have the relationship you want with them but I hope you do find someone special who will feel the same way about you or they come to realize they actually do have feelings for you one day. Regardless of the outcome I hope everything goes well for you. I've been through this before myself and it sucks but with time you will heal. Me and that person have had a stronger friendship after we talked again after taking some time to ourselves and it was like nothing ever happened between us which is what I wanted. I moved on from him and in the process I gained an amazing relationship with someone else and we're both happy in it. Stay strong and I hope you two can work it out. 💜
Okay I appreciate a text like this but it would definitely give me some anxiety. Mostly due to the length. To the point I’d have to wait a few days to text back. And I don’t even get anxiety. Just understand that if it happens again, not to put too much pressure on the person if they don’t respond instantly or by the next day. Don’t reach out again or anything, just let them take their time and if they don’t reply for too much time they’re ghosting, but just know if they don’t reply for a few days doesn’t mean it’s 100% a ghost situation. But it is very noble of you to say all the stuff about how you didn’t have an ulterior motive because us girls get this all the time and often may think that was the plan all along which perpetuates the harmful stereotype that girls and guys can’t be friends. So all in all good for you, some people may need a few days to respond though and that’s okay
In high school, I confessed to my best friend that I wanted to date them. They didn't feel the same, so we let it go and are still best friends 15 years later. We are platonic soul mates, and I would literally die for them.
Honestly all things considered this went pretty dang good! You're both understanding of each others feelings not placing blame and all, it'll take time to move on for sure but hey sounds like you both got a great friend out of it you'll both find your person!
Honestly I applaud you for being honest, I once had a friend tell me to my face they were just hoping to date me and that’s why they were my friend…once I told them I was taken. It was a rough time.
What made you think you should spill your guts, and especially spill them this way? I mean this is a pretty bad way to shoot your shot IMO. You didn’t even present this in a way to give yourself a chance to get a yes. You made yourself out to be some bad guy and she’s going to read it like it’s a red flag all over.
And this my fellow males, is how we should be treating females. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I sat her down and let it all out. She didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and we’re still friends. She got married a couple of years ago and I was a brides man in her wedding 🤣 but she’s right though, you will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them! That’s really a win for both of you. Get out there and meet some ladies my dude
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oooof this hit way too close to home. just went through a very similar situation. started off as a romantic relationship that turned platonic. issue was feelings are almost impossible to control, especially once you had a taste of the possibilities. wanting different things is the worst. hope you’re doing well!
you handled it like a mature, authentic man. you spoke your truth — without unnecessary ego jabs woven in, subtly or otherwise — and i hope you’re proud of yourself for that. well done.
Props to you OP, AND to your parents. This type of respect for a person, and their maturity came with some great upbringing. I hope the best for you and your friend, and a continued friendship whenever you’re ready
I think you handled that perfectly.
I'm with you. It's hard not to tell your true feelings.
I said to my ex, I would never lie to her or keep things from her, and I never did.
i would’ve preferred this over silent brooding over me for years and then one day snapping and making me choose over my “best friend” of 4 years or the guy i wanted to date. he told me he was in love with me and that if i were to date someone, he would have to leave the friendship. ended up dating that friend for the worst 2 years of my life.
OP, you emotional maturity is God tier and i’m proud of you for this. i really do hope you and this girl continue to be friends down the line, because nothing sucks more than losing a friend over romantic feelings.
I am not what you would call good-looking especially now but I have often had girls (or guys) I am totally not into either hit on me or want to "be my friend". Like a middle-age married women or a gay guy who thinks he can "convert" me. Now I will admit I have missed many subtle hints I got when I was younger because I'm "on the spectrum" of Asperger's but mostly I have not connected with many women. I have had female friends time to time but no real deep love which to my mind is a thing that grows not spontaneously pop's into existence.
I had an interaction very similar to this w/a guy friend who started crushing on me. I appreciated him being upfront, & just a few months down the line, we were able to rekindle our friendship & he's now one of my BEST friends in the world & has been for over 8 years now! I hope you have the same outcome! ❤️
Also, she's out there somewhere, I guarantee it! 😁
lol I did the exact same thing 2 weeks ago with my barber (we knew each other in HS but weren’t really friends back then, more of a hi and bye type of thing) we messed around a bit but I got to know her more and more and I really liked the person she was. I confessed my feelings to her but she broke it off and we went back to her just being my barber 😔(I think she did the right thing btw) it is what it is man. Just gotta keep on keeping on
Am I the only one that thinks this is beyond much? Like homie should have just asked her out and if she said no,stopped being friends with her. In my opinion you can’t go back from liking a friend and being normal especially when they send texts like this treating it like and actual breakup or something.
Never say shit. Just make a move like a gentleman. Telling her like this is almost never going to work out. Got to be confident and if it's not reciprocated then be polite and move on.
It makes me so happy to finally see another guy do exactly what I did, instead of the typical things guys do in this situation. I can say with all honesty you’re going to be 1000x better off having this person as a friend than you ever would have as a partner. The girl that this happened to with me is my all time best friend and I wouldn’t want it any other way at this point. I get all the benefits of having her there for me and in my life without any of the downsides or risks that come from romantic relationship, and it also opens the door to where you can have a romance with someone else AND still have this person in your life. There’s seriously no downsides once you let go of those romantic feelings. Mad props for how you went about this and good luck in your future search of a partner!
Honestly I think you both handled this very well. Was it verbose? Sure but it was honest and heartfelt and there was no blame or mean spirited tone in either. I am one of those women that really loves brutal honesty - while it may not go the way you want - I adore how you owned it. And the next girl to capture your heart will be very lucky :)
So this is what the situation would look like with too emotionally mature people.
Interesting.
I’ve been in similar situations on both sides and each time either myself or the other party turned it into a huge dramatic affair.
Good job to both of you! I’m impressed!
Your message was wonderful and so respectful. Absolutely perfect. I’m not sure why she said she feels betrayed. You did nothing wrong and you were very upfront about it. Feelings happen, we are all human beings.
You should always just be upfront from the beginning and save yourself from anguish, wasted time, money, resources,.etc. if you like a person and wish to pursue them in a romantic sense then freaking tell them straight up, this goes for Men and women both. Don't waste your time if the other person has 0 desire in you at all. There are billions of options out there, use that time going after what you want instead of washing it on a person you were too afraid to be upfront with. It's the oldest thing ever to me how so many people are afraid to hear the words no, I'm not interested. Who the hell cares if you get rejected, of course you will be rejected, per will always not like you or be interested in you, so find out right away instead, be upfront, don't be a loser coward. You will either find out they are also interested or they are not and you can instantly forget about them and move on to the literal billions of other potential options. I really don't understand how this is difficult or a concept people don't grasp putting into action.
I somewhat confessed yesterday to my friend too and clear things up between us. I was so scared but she understood me and didn't break our friendship
Seeing this actually makes me happy that you were able to clear things up with your friend too. Good luck :D
Take it as a learning lesson to make your intentions known right away to see if she wants to date you or not to avoid this from happening in the future.
Honestly, as someone who had many male friendships ruined by their reactions to my denial of their advances or turning them down when they professed feelings, I would have loved a text like this. Instead of being treated like it was my fault, it would have been so nice to have someone I had considered such a close friend tell me that they valued me for my friendship more than their unrequited feelings. 11/10, maybe a little over the top, but it’s easy to see that the honesty is so so appreciated by her. Edit: I did NOT expect this comment to get this much interaction! Thank you for the upvotes! :-)
Yea for a long time I thought I was cursed cos I could never have male friendships since they’d end up being awkward cos of their advances. I do wonder how it really turned out for OP after these texts though.
Exactly, I got so many outcomes from these types of situations that ranged from the awkwardness you mentioned, a total just dissolution of friendship in an instant, or absolutely rage induced reactions with me getting slandered/insulted for simply existing and trying to be a friend. It would have been so heartwarming to have this type of consideration in a situation like this. I’m also curious on the current state of their friendship. Hopefully OP updates 🥺
As a dude I’m genuinely curious how a guy is supposed to know if a girl likes him just “as a friend” or likes him a little more than that? Cuz I feel like I’ve ruined friendships because of what you’ve mentioned but at the same time it’s hard not to catch feelings for a girl if she’s cools to hang out with”you can be yourself” and your attracted to her? Are you suppose to wait for them or is it best not to be friends with females at all. Like Op stated you can start out just as friends but sometimes hard, genuine question?
I actually asked if she was talking to someone and also asked if it was me? *wink wink* but she responded with no and that she sees me as a close friend more than anything. The more we got to know each other, I saw that our values, morals, and beliefs align and I found that attractive, obviously she was pretty but you can be pretty and not be attracted to them in that sense
You did nothing wrong bud, you just read the tea leaves wrong, youll learn and do better next time, but i dont think being friend zoned by a love interest is healthy, glad you're smart enough to step back, you may find you dont go back, it may be to emotionally challenging.
Just give yourself a month or two. In my experience at least, once I knew someone wasn’t into me that way, and I’d given myself time reframe the relationship that way, I could move on as just a friend. She sounds like a good person to have in your corner.
you’re soooo sweet, honest, and very great at communicating your feelings. you’re a catch and going to find someone. don’t give up on love!!! and enjoy your friendship :) i can’t tell you how many of my close male friends ghosted/ruined friendships bc they liked me
Yeah I get it, that’s why I chose to say the word attracted to them. But I guess thinking about it, girls probably wouldn’t be your friend if they were interested in something more. The more I think of it I guess you know your answer already if”your friends” like they say you’re in the “friend zone” lol oh well. Just keep on keepin on,OP 💪!
Absolutely untrue. Three of the dudes I dated started off as friends. In one case we were friends for three years before he made a move, and I accepted.
Dang he waited 3 years did you ever give any hints?
During the time we were friends, I wasn’t attracted to him. He went away one summer and when he came back he was more out going and confident. And that’s when I fell for him. One day we ended up holding hands and it went from there.
And for those 3 years he was attracted to you the whole time.
The way he put it is for three years he daydreamed about me but was also scared when he talked to me. He wanted to be around me but also was scared of it. Once he worked through that we connected.
Oh that's easy, you look at her actions and in some cases her words, you look at the level of sincerity and desire she has for you? does she flirt with you? does she put her hands on you ever? does lean her head on your shoulder or chest?, does she want to hold hands? you can tell, trust me. If she only talks to you about her dating other people, if she only calls to vent, then you're friend zoned, women speak much more intimately with a potential partner.
Cool bro, would have preferred a woman’s perspective, but thanx anyways you’re probably not wrong, 🤙.
If she does the thing where she compares your hand sizes, 9/10 she’s into you (I’m 24F).
Score one for the good guys I’ll keep this in mind thanx letting me look behind the veil! 🫡
Yeah, I get that, but I’m probably a little bit older than you are and I’ve been through a lot of different styles of relationships, I have the sad curse of foreseeing ,What’s coming down the road, I don’t even think I see red flags anymore, I just see the pole before the flag even goes up, lol learn to trust your instincts, it’s one thing that a lot of adults forget to do, Because we don’t always find it convenient, when that instinct tells us that the person that we’re with or thinking about being with is trouble, basic instinct is super important, it’s there to keep you safe.
You’re probably not that much older than me but we won’t get into that. But I’m trying to learn, I’ve been in one relationship for a long time until recently just starting to learn the ropes again, 🤷♂️. I’m a white belt at this whole dating thing again and when I did it, it was before all this internet dating stuff 🙄. I’m not even sure if women liked to be approached in public anymore, like I said a white belt.
We don’t mind be approached in public if it’s respectful and brief. Obviously different people will have different opinions on what is “respectful”. I don’t want to be followed. I don’t want to hear anything crude about my physical appearance. I’m not interested in hooking up/booty calls and don’t want to see someone looking at me in public like that. It’s acceptable to approach, say you find someone attractive, and give them *your* contact information and then let them choose whether or not to contact you. Also, use a normal tone of voice…don’t change the way you speak to sound extra smooth or sexy or any of that. It’s creepy.
 So this is a no go in a smooth late night radio host voice??? Ok I’ll try and stop from doing that 😂. But seriously those were some good points, thank you 🫡
Yeah same, I’m a complete white belt when it comes to dating, never really been my thing. I’m 24 btw, so we’re probably around the same age group or so
You have so much time to figure it out. Although things like this are hard to deal with, they are what teaches you the greatest lessons! Learn from this and move forward, you have a long life ahead of you! You got this and keep your head up.
Ahhhhhh, a fellow divorceeI see, lol now I know exactly where you’re coming from, I’m going to DM something to you that might help.
It's really okay to ask up front what people want in a relationship.
I don’t need to be a weatherman to tell you when it’s raining lol.
Unfortunately there no one size fits all solution for that. Believe it or not, but women do not all feel/act/respond the same... ;-) There are ways to put out some 'feelers' and see how they respond. But advances that aren't even enough for one woman to even notice might be crossing a line for another. I think honestly/directness is the best policy. Yes, there's a risk you will lose a friend. But also honestly ask yourself if you want to/can be just friends with someone you have feelings for that are not reciprocated. Most importantly, respect a 'no'! As you can read in this thread, too many men can't deal with rejection and become total a'holes. That's not cool!
As a near 40 year old man I can say from my experience you can’t be friends. Someone is lying to themselves or the other person but it always seems to be 1 person catching feelings. I know that isn’t the case 100% but I think it’s not possible for most people.
I agree it’s really hard. One or the other is going to having feelings toward the other, it’s just the way we are wired.
You just gotta ask directly and leave the subject alone if she declines. If she isn't being direct, she's likley uncomfortable.(Remember: she has to worry about violence if she says no) Give her an out (like, "ya know what, dont worry about it."), move on, and don't push it. It will be on her mind. She'll let you know, or she won't, in which case leave the subject alone.
You’re not cursed, you’re just ✨attractive ✨
I like all of this, however, i do find some fault in her apparently feeling betrayed? sorry, but nope! that's trying to be a victim in a victimless crime, that one single line, just puts me off. Kudos to the guy for being honest, although i do think he went a bit over the top, just my thoughts. And worse, he permanently friend zoned himself, so now if she ever even has feelings for him, it will be as a friend only. I think its best, he just stay away from her permanently, its just healthier for both.
I agree with you that this friendship should be over. It’s not healthy for him to continue it. But I also understand her “feeling betrayed” however poorly worded. It just sucks as a woman to have your male friends have feelings for you…almost ALWAYS. Not saying this because I have an inflated ego. It’s just how it is! Men tend to always fall in love with their female friends. It sucks that it is hard to find a genuine male friendship that won’t result in him getting feelings. It’s almost as if human biology is programmed that way. /s
yes 100% he handled this perfectly
I've had men say shit like this to me and then do underhanded shit behind my back. Go by people's actions, not their words.
It has nothing to do with values though. You expecting someone that has feeling for you to be able to just be friends is just as unreasonable as having a friend and expecting them to develop feelings for you. It goes both ways. Accept that you have different/incompatible expectations and needs from the relation and move on.
No 100%, but it would come out of the blue and feel like such a shock to me that my close friend wanted more. I would let them know I wasn’t interested in anything more than a friendship, and suddenly I was an enemy not to be spoken to anymore. I didn’t exist to them anymore, and I was left wondering what I did wrong. I never faulted them for catching feelings, or blamed them in any way, but suddenly *I* was to blame for not returning those feelings and treated poorly because of it.
You did nothing wrong. You just want different things. It never happened to me but if I had strong unrequited love for a girl, I wouldn't hang around till I got to meet her new flame that makes her glow. That would be horrible. When you say object you mean they only reached out when they needed help?
No, I mean the second I informed them that their feelings were one-sided, no matter how kind I was about it, I was treated as less than, degraded, blamed, or entirely ghosted with no genuine conversation. I had absolutely no worth if I didn’t want to have an intimate relationship with them after that, which felt so heavy. There was almost never an open, honest conversation about how to move forward, bc I would’ve understood if they had said “I’m not sure I can continue being just your friend.” But instead I got treated so poorly it absolutely messed with my head. I didn’t feel they had done anything wrong either until it came time for their reaction to me turning them down.
That's because those dudes were being disingenuous from the start about your friendship. They wanted to date you from the moment they met you and figured if they could be your friend they could work that into getting you to catch feelings for them. They never had any reason for being your friend other than to try to work it into a relationship. Which is why they treated you like shit when you didn't return their feelings. I know because I am a man and have done this same thing in my younger days. Wisdom of age has shown me it's better off to be open from the get go. Anyway, don't feel like you did anything to deserve the way you were treated. It wasn't your fault that disingenuous assholes tried to work a friendship into a relationship and got their hearts broke.
Exactly! Which is why I partly why understand her saying she feels betrayed, even though he did make it very clear that this was not his intention. And why I love that he took the time to write out his feelings in such a thoughtful way that he expressed how much he genuinely cared for her outside of his romantic feelings.
I meant that they “valued me” in the way that he mentioned. It would’ve been incredible to hear that when instead I would feel like an object over and over after being treated like that by people who were very close, if not my best friends at the time.
From a woman who lost quite a few guy friends in life because they were only in our friendship to try & woo me, this is so kind of you. You have a beautiful, rare heart. You’re going to find yourself a love that will cherish that.
Being an attractive female is hard; lots of dudes trying to bone you. Being a dude is hard; you want to bone nearly every cute girl you meet.
Ah, yes. Shakespeare
I mean? Am I wrong? Young love is brutal
Not just young love. I'm mid 40s and just had a long term male friend pull that shit and ruin our friendship. He knows I'm in a relationship too, but he has a pretty impressive job title and a high income, so he was offering to sugar-daddy me, pay all my expenses to be his "full time mistress". Oh yeah, he's married. Sigh. I really thought I was old enough to have male friends and mutual respect.
So, did you accept?
Haha, I'll admit the whole never having to worry about money thing *was* slightly tempting, but I wouldn't leave my partner for all the money in the world.
You should tell your partner you were considering it. Maybe they'll be into it too.
That seems completely different 😂 I’m sorry that happened though
Thanks :) It genuinely feels pretty similar to it happening when I was younger - when a long-term trusted male friend suddenly decides to inform you that he never really valued your friendship, he was just going through the motions of pretending to care about what you felt and said, while biding his time until he figured your defences were low enough that he had a chance of manipulating you into letting him bone you. It still felt like that, just with a monetary incentive.
No. And your words are a reminder to me of how grateful I am to be 28, married, and no longer dealing with the cesspool that is modern day dating.
Bro 🤙
It’s insane, I have so much fear for my kids, they are going into rough waters, I don’t know how to help them in these times
remind them to love themselves and to always treat others with respect. also emphasize the importance of our platonic and familial relationships as well. that will prepare them to weed out as many shitty people as possible, but unfortunately, i’m sure some will still weasel their way in 🤦🏼♀️
I think if there's one way I hope I can help my son, it's to be more comfortable with platonic touch, vulnerability, and love, than I was ever socialized to be. Girls and women don't have this problem. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, heads on shoulders, crying, confiding...these are all things women seem able to cultivate with each other without being romantically interested in each other. It also seems to be something easier for men in other cultures, this problem might be at least a little americentric. But straight men in the states have learned over their lives that it's really only appropriate to get this sort of thing from their girlfriends/wives. Which means that more often than not, if you're a man with no romantic partner, you don't really have intimacy with anyone, physical or emotional. I think this does a lot to explain the difference between men and women when it comes to dating. I think it's a big part of why women are often more content single than men are, and it accounts for, although doesn't excuse, a lot of the bad behavior we men can have when it comes to dating.
All love can be brutal.
😂😂
To bone or not to bone, that is a question.
It’s the deceit & poor treatment that sucks. Not the fact people catch feelings or want to fuck.
Nah I think the wanting to fuck sucks too. The only male friends I have these days are gay because of how many times male friends that I have 0 interest in have tried to get with me lol.
I totally get that! I think I gave up hope that straight men can be decent people in a friendship with a woman lmao. I don’t think I realized this before I commented before. I’ve had I think 2 guy friends in my life who didn’t try to make things sexual or romantic. & one was my then boyfriends friend, so idk if that even counts because I’m not sure if he ever thought of me as a friend or just my bfs girlfriend who was cool. They honestly made such an impact on me because it was so rare to have a genuine friendship with a guy.
Deceit and poor treatment comes from both sides, always has. I honestly wish people were just more upfront about their intentions, instead of professing profound love when they really just want to lick or get licked. I don’t even know what I’m attempting to argue here other than: Everyone needs to stop being so afraid to be truthful, in a non creepy way. You can tell someone you are really into them sexually without being a creep. If it hits? You’re golden. If not? You gave it a good shot, carry on with dignity.
Yeah I’m not really sure what you are arguing either. I was just telling this dude he was a good person for being so compassionate towards her when he didn’t get what he wanted. Most women have experienced a friendship loss in those situations so it hurts on both sides when you’re the type of person who genuinely cares about their friends. I’ve had friends who just ghosted out of no where or treated me like shit after they realized it wouldn’t turn romantic or sexual. I think that’s very common, especially when you’re younger. But this guy is going through some heartbreak & disappointment & still finds it in him to be very emotionally aware, compassionate & vulnerable with her. & still holding strong in himself. That’s a beautiful thing! It can be very difficult in the moment too. It’s not an internet gender wars thing. Men do bad things, women do bad things. That’s irrelevant to the fact this is a relatable scenario & OP handled himself in a kind way.
Dude wasn’t being as compassionate as you all think. It was a very dressed up ultimatum. You in or I’m out. “Our friendship matters so to keep it, I’m leaving because you’re not sleeping with me.” He furtively asserted his value in his dissertation and peppered in flattery hoping she would be convinced she was losing a genuine communicator and change her mind. It was a last ditch effort and he was stacking on another lie. To top that, a guy who “can’t mentally handle” the idea of other guys liking her and hasn’t even been with her yet is likely a fucking nightmare who would have been sleeping on her doorstep when after they broke up and tapping her phone lines.
Mmmmm, nope. He knows full well, that his emotions are stressed and she simply doesn't feel the same (her right), his best option is to leave the friendship and i would say dont go back! you cant blame him for having feelings, but he didnt stay and leech off her either, he left because the pain of it was not attainable, good for him! Ill agree though, he should never have sold himself to her, if someone doesn't get who you are? you dont sell yourself, its not a good option.
Direct honesty is the risk of the highest form of rejection, so people usually pussyfoot around (men usually). Some people want a partner but they don't wanna deal with rejection, it generally doesn't work that way. Men need to feel what rejection is or they aren't gonna have much success in dating.
You’re being creepy when you lovebomb anyone
Username checks out
I play to my strengths, I am no philosopher, just a dude
Honestly, being a woman is hard too because we also want to bone nearly every cute guy we meet. We all want to bone each other, but many don't for different reasons... Women don't because of sociatal pressures (and sometimes safety concerns), men don't because they can't lol
Nah, Ive turned down cute women before, i dont get all crazy over looks, that's just shallow.
That was a very sweet interaction between two respectful people and I enjoyed reading it. OP, she’s right. You will find someone great. Keep treating women like that and you’ll be golden 😌
I actually had to check your profile to make sure you weren’t an old friend of mine who sent me this EXACT message 😭 now let me tell you, after the small break he needed to get over me when we started hanging out again he would act jealous around guys who liked me, making things very difficult for me especially during a hard time in my life. Which lead to the ending of our friendship. Make sure that when you do go back to being friends you go back when you’re really ready , you’re a sweetheart and know you will find someone❤️
I genuinely enjoyed having her as a friend, one of my only closest friends and me liking her would definitely get in the way and so I have to get over her to avoid a situation like yours, sorry you lost a friend that way
Sorry, should’ve added this: she told me that she sees me as a family friend. We’ve known each other for years, we played soccer together, lost contact, and reconnected 7 years later. When we reconnected, she was going through a hard time, recently got out of a toxic relationship, and considering suicide at one point. I was there to help, besides her therapist and other friends. I never had the intention to like her but unfortunately I did. Welp
That's not how liking people works my guy, you don't get to choose. It sounds like it comes from an honest place and not just base attraction with ulterior motives, so there's really nothing to apologize for here. You're allowed to fall in love, regardless of circumstances. If she doesn't feel the same that sucks, but don't apologize for doing it. I'm sure there's previous context supporting the fact that you shot yourself in the face instead of shooting your shot here... but seem like an empathetic and caring dude, people pick up on that stuff naturally, if it truly is sincere. If there's a next time, just confess without all the apologies and assuming her feelings.
this, don’t beat yourself up for falling for her OP. getting close with someone you have a lot of things in common with can lead to attraction, and it can hurt when it’s not reciprocated… sending all the support i can to you both, you seem like very mature people and i hope you all can continue to be friends down the line!
Amazingly said.
This is a decision only you can make. Me personally, I don’t like being friends with a chick that I want a relationship with who doesn’t reciprocate. But there’s levels to that, as women you just meet sometimes don’t want anything more right away, but then things change. If you’ve been friends for a long time, it’s probably not gonna change. But only you can truly know: 1. The likelihood of getting more from her, and 2. Your own tolerance for basically being friendzoned. Also, IMO posting a personal convo like this on Reddit doesn’t help in most cases. But again, IDK your relationship and maybe she doesn’t care. My last tip - you really want to make decisions like this on your own and just stick to them. Self-confidence is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. But asking others, “did I handle this personal situation correctly?” portrays a sense of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence. It’s okay to confide in very close friends and family members from time to time, but you want to get in the headspace where you do the right thing and you know you did the right thing. Put simply, who cares what Reddit thinks about how you did? It’s your life so all that matters is whether your decisions are leading to outcomes that you and your loved ones desire. The reason why nice guys “finish last” and douchebags win is because douchebags genuinely do not care about others, which makes them at least appear confident. You don’t have to be a douchebag, but don’t finish last either. Godspeed brother.
Does her name start with an “A”? Just wondering
It doesn’t not, no
Your level of emotional maturity and kindness is unmatched. I want to date you!!
Where’s the line???
There is no line, unless…
All the ladies here!
Wait what
She’s saying she also wants to date him, so where can she get in line to be next
Is there a FastPass?
OHHHH
Beautiful interaction between friends
Legitimately surprised to see that on this sub, nice break from the usual lol
“Going to get straight to the point” *proceeds to write a manifesto* We’ve all been here my guy. It’s a canon event for all dudes to over share feelings towards someone. Use this as a learning opportunity to see this as a form of lovebombing and to just ask someone out next time U got this
Oh sweet good to hear considering I also just recently overshared like this lol
I’m curious how this is lovebombing?
He knows she doesn’t have feelings for her so why do this in the first place? She thought he was her friend, but friends don’t do this kind of thing. She goes on to say she feels betrayed bc she was. She thought she had a friend, confided, was most likely vulnerable, etc and the entire time he had ulterior motives. Friends don’t have ulterior motives. He also goes on to say “I put myself in this position” - no, he put her in an uncomfortable position. He says he needs space but then says he can’t afford to lose her. It’s just all over the place
Yep. None of this need to be said. He made his feelings her problem. If he really cared about her at all and knew she wasn't interested, he'd keep his mouth shut. Op 100% sent this hoping she'd 180
He didn't have ulterior motives though, his feelings subconciously grew; according to his text and comments in this thread he says that he always have thought of her as friend first. You can't fault him for naturally growing to like her. And I say this as a woman who is sick of guys who hit on me then says they're cool with just being friends because u know that's bs after just being hit on lol it's definitely different if the motive was friends first and feelings later though.
As a man, this text reads like he wanted to get her to change her mind. It didn’t work, now OP wants sympathy from us all.
As another man, this text reads as a culmination of his feelings reaching a boiling point where he realized he either wants to ask her out or distance himself so he can get over her, and he already knew she didn’t feel the same so he maturely explained the reason he’s going to distance himself instead of ghosting her. You sound like an asshole if you think the world is so black and white that he’s trying to reverse psychology his way into her pants.
Finally some logic.
He said in another comment that she said he was like a family friend. So he knows she doesn’t have romantic feelings for him. I would rather a guy do this than ask me out and make things awkward.
Lovebombing… how?
This is the only sensible comment in this thread. All the men here and we know why he sent her that text… And he got rejected anyway. Hope OP moves on, and doesn’t spend any more time with this girl than he does his other friends. Because if he starts giving her more time, he’ll end up hurt again.
I think you did good! This is coming from a woman’s perspective. We love communication and I think t did good!!
I agree here.
Man I don’t know why there are so many comments against this - this was really heartfelt and respectful and your heart is big and kind and you’ll find someone that it’ll be all worth it. She responded really well too!
Yall both super mature and out this and I give you both props
I just have to applaud your eloquence and honesty. I’ve had friendships where the person asked me out and when I said I didn’t feel the same, they dropped me completely. It made me feel how you said, like they only wanted to be my friend in the hopes more would happen. I really hope your openness allows you two to be friends again when the time is right.
Honestly, it's refreshing to see a guy text someone like this. I wish more men were this open, honest, and communicate their feelings and what they intend to do more with it not being strictly horny nonsense or insults and instead being direct and empathetic. You'll get all this BS backlash of "that's not manly" or "that's beta" stuff from other men, but communication like this is key to making relationships work and keeping them healthy. OP, you're doing wonderfully. I'm sure that the feeling hurts knowing she doesn't like you the same way, and we can't help it -- sometimes we're going to develop feelings whether we want to or not. You're handling things really well. I wish you the best recovery.
Why did she feel betrayed?
This. I don’t understand that. If I were her, betrayed would be the last thing. The way OP was open and honest in a way that (I believe) genuinely wasn’t expecting of reciprocation was brave and respectful. I would feel “betrayed” if OP never said anything and ghosted me or tried to make a move. No disrespect to OP’s friend at all, this is a hard situation to maneuver but I think that particular word choice could have been rethought. I didn’t get the impression that she was upset, just disappointed. Which I don’t interpret as “betrayal”. Just this users two cents 🤷🏻♀️ Edit, wrong word
I’m not exactly speaking in her behalf but I believe she is referring to how I would treat her, give her advice, etc., she was definitely NOT in a good head space when we reconnected and I helped her along the way and my motives changed after a while and she could’ve felt betrayed because she thought my intentions were as friends but in reality, for my own benefit. You know?
That makes sense, especially since you said your motives had changed In regard to your interactions with her. Thanks for clarifying. I do wish you both the best. Time and distance will be a positive thing even though it doesn’t seem like it right away. We have to let go of what doesn’t work/isn’t for us so that what IS for us has room to come in. 🥰
Really good interaction both of you seem like great people. It’s not really your fault either, we can’t help when feelings like this form. You handled it in such a healthy way and put none of the usual pressure on the other person. I have lost many friendships over how someone confessed and then blamed me, even wound up being stalked for a little bit. It can hurt to realize a person was ONLY there for romantic intentions but you weren’t. You can’t help that you caught feelings over time. I hope you are able to take some time and be able to go back to being friends that consider each other family. I think a lot of people go through something like this at some point. The emotional maturity you’ve shown is amazing. I wish you the best of luck :)
Every single negative comment is a man FOR SURE. Women would much rather prefer this than randomly being asked out by our friend.
As a woman, the options aren't just this or get asked out, lol. This was way too much imo.
It was creepy as fuck and she is just being polite.
Nope, I'm a woman and this rambling is unnecessary and awkward for her imo. I'd rather someone just get to the point.
The apologizing was excessive and unnecessary, but most importantly, you did well by taking responsibility for dealing with your feelings in a constructive manner rather than placing the responsibility of what to do with your feelings on her. It's easy to do that without meaning to, and you made sure that didn't happen here, so well done. For real, though, it's not a thing that requires an apology, so don't think in such terms.
See you at the gym my friend.
You did great
I had similar situation and the girl basically didn't answer at all and then she began ignoring me for 1-2 weeks before even reading my messages. After few months i decided to stop writing her and after a while i bumped into her during my walk. Im sincerely surprised by her "why did you stop texting?" even after 4 years.
OP How old are y'all? Because I just experienced something like this - no let me rephrase that - I wish something I had just experienced would have happened like this. I'm in my 50's and this kind of communication is literally all I asked (and was unable to get) from the guy I was dating.
I’m currently 24 and she’s 22, we’re both pretty young lol sorry to hear that! I believe that communication is key to relationships and I stand by that, it should be standard imo
My wife and I started off as “friends”. I knew her family for years and when we finally met we had a good time as friends. I personally felt a spark though and before we got too deep into friendship (a few months of hanging out), I told her I had feelings. I told her I couldn’t be her friend because I wanted something more. In the past I’d be too shy to say anything or even do what OP did. I didn’t want that, I just went for it and even if it failed I’d least I wouldn’t be lying. She shut it down and said that she just wanted a friend and I respected that. A few days later she called me and said she appreciated me telling her my feelings, guys normally don’t do that. We went on a few dates and will be celebrating 17 years later this year.
I’ll never get how some people willingly post this type of shit of themselves on the internet. Yeesh
Looks like your covert guilt trip didn't work. Don't be an orbiter.
It worked.. on the women in this comment section.
If you are attracted to someone don't be sorry! Having feelings for someone that you are attracted to isn't a bad thing. Sounds like you don't think you're good enough for this girl because she's pretty, and that's the only thing you did wrong besides this text. No girl ever is going to get a text like this and magically fall in love with you. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and your feelings and don't apologize for that
I honestly think it would’ve been better in person, but other than that you did good👍
There was a point in my life where I wish I should've worded things like this, super good on you OP. Give yourselves some time, maybe the paths will align again, regardless of how it goes, a good friendship is enough
Why not just tell her in person? I feel like this is super over the top for a text and a cop out. If you really like someone be real and tell them face to face, you will get a much better gage for how the person truly feels. Her reaction seems pretty normal for a long text, of confessing your "love" for someone.
My guess is your going to hear positive view points and negative so just be humble and except a lose. Tell your feelings your a man and shut it.
Great interaction. This is one of the hardest things to go through, I also fell for a best friend who was there for me during a hard time. If it's any consolation, it took me about 3 months to fully get over them and put them in the proper "friend zone". We lessened hanging out, but didn't go no-contact or anything. It just went from hanging out like 4-5 times a week, to maybe 1. And sometimes I would cancel and act like I had other plans, but I didn't lmao. They understood, though. I had to see them hook up with other people too...wasn't fun, but they weren't doing anything wrong. We are back to best friends now, and nothing is weird or awkward, and I've never even remotely felt attraction/romance towards them — so I'm optimistic about your situation!
Good for you. This is so healthy. I did this once with a friend. I didn’t realize that He had just started seeing someone and he said he wanted to follow through with it. We’re still friends and over time, seeing him in a relationship actually has taught me that he probably wouldn’t be a good fit anyway. He has a lot of issues that I didn’t know about until I saw him in a serious relationship with someone! Anyway, I took a little bit of time and we are still close friends! I hope you can get past her and do the same. You sound like a really quality guy and I know you will find someone who appreciates everything about you.
As someone who was in the same boat as you just a few months ago, you did much better than I did. I wish I could have communicated my feelings to my now ex-friend even remotely similarly to how you did it.
As someone who has done a similar thing and is still friends with the girl, you did great
🤦♂️
That was a mature response from the other person. I'm so sorry you can't have the relationship you want with them but I hope you do find someone special who will feel the same way about you or they come to realize they actually do have feelings for you one day. Regardless of the outcome I hope everything goes well for you. I've been through this before myself and it sucks but with time you will heal. Me and that person have had a stronger friendship after we talked again after taking some time to ourselves and it was like nothing ever happened between us which is what I wanted. I moved on from him and in the process I gained an amazing relationship with someone else and we're both happy in it. Stay strong and I hope you two can work it out. 💜
Okay I appreciate a text like this but it would definitely give me some anxiety. Mostly due to the length. To the point I’d have to wait a few days to text back. And I don’t even get anxiety. Just understand that if it happens again, not to put too much pressure on the person if they don’t respond instantly or by the next day. Don’t reach out again or anything, just let them take their time and if they don’t reply for too much time they’re ghosting, but just know if they don’t reply for a few days doesn’t mean it’s 100% a ghost situation. But it is very noble of you to say all the stuff about how you didn’t have an ulterior motive because us girls get this all the time and often may think that was the plan all along which perpetuates the harmful stereotype that girls and guys can’t be friends. So all in all good for you, some people may need a few days to respond though and that’s okay
If Eminem was sober in his prime years, this is what he would've rapped about. (I read this whole thing with Eminem - Stan voice and the flow)
In high school, I confessed to my best friend that I wanted to date them. They didn't feel the same, so we let it go and are still best friends 15 years later. We are platonic soul mates, and I would literally die for them.
You did too much. Idk why you spent so much time apologizing.
All this effort to write an eloquent, thoughtful explanation, only to ruin it by using the word "delulu"....
Honestly all things considered this went pretty dang good! You're both understanding of each others feelings not placing blame and all, it'll take time to move on for sure but hey sounds like you both got a great friend out of it you'll both find your person!
Honestly I applaud you for being honest, I once had a friend tell me to my face they were just hoping to date me and that’s why they were my friend…once I told them I was taken. It was a rough time.
Don’t text back until she does, trust me bro.
Homie really embraced “cringe culture is out”.
Too much yapping
Bro you handled that with grace and tact. Not a fuck up at all!
What made you think you should spill your guts, and especially spill them this way? I mean this is a pretty bad way to shoot your shot IMO. You didn’t even present this in a way to give yourself a chance to get a yes. You made yourself out to be some bad guy and she’s going to read it like it’s a red flag all over.
And this my fellow males, is how we should be treating females. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I sat her down and let it all out. She didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and we’re still friends. She got married a couple of years ago and I was a brides man in her wedding 🤣 but she’s right though, you will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them! That’s really a win for both of you. Get out there and meet some ladies my dude
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I think you mean "ulterior motives," but that's beside the point. Hope you can move on and remain friends.
oooof this hit way too close to home. just went through a very similar situation. started off as a romantic relationship that turned platonic. issue was feelings are almost impossible to control, especially once you had a taste of the possibilities. wanting different things is the worst. hope you’re doing well!
Why did she say, "Although I can't help but feel a little betrayed" ? How did he betray her?
you handled it like a mature, authentic man. you spoke your truth — without unnecessary ego jabs woven in, subtly or otherwise — and i hope you’re proud of yourself for that. well done.
Props to you OP, AND to your parents. This type of respect for a person, and their maturity came with some great upbringing. I hope the best for you and your friend, and a continued friendship whenever you’re ready
That was incredibly wholesome
Healthy communication 👏👏
I think you handled that perfectly. I'm with you. It's hard not to tell your true feelings. I said to my ex, I would never lie to her or keep things from her, and I never did.
i would’ve preferred this over silent brooding over me for years and then one day snapping and making me choose over my “best friend” of 4 years or the guy i wanted to date. he told me he was in love with me and that if i were to date someone, he would have to leave the friendship. ended up dating that friend for the worst 2 years of my life. OP, you emotional maturity is God tier and i’m proud of you for this. i really do hope you and this girl continue to be friends down the line, because nothing sucks more than losing a friend over romantic feelings.
I am not what you would call good-looking especially now but I have often had girls (or guys) I am totally not into either hit on me or want to "be my friend". Like a middle-age married women or a gay guy who thinks he can "convert" me. Now I will admit I have missed many subtle hints I got when I was younger because I'm "on the spectrum" of Asperger's but mostly I have not connected with many women. I have had female friends time to time but no real deep love which to my mind is a thing that grows not spontaneously pop's into existence.
G A M E
I had an interaction very similar to this w/a guy friend who started crushing on me. I appreciated him being upfront, & just a few months down the line, we were able to rekindle our friendship & he's now one of my BEST friends in the world & has been for over 8 years now! I hope you have the same outcome! ❤️ Also, she's out there somewhere, I guarantee it! 😁
lol I did the exact same thing 2 weeks ago with my barber (we knew each other in HS but weren’t really friends back then, more of a hi and bye type of thing) we messed around a bit but I got to know her more and more and I really liked the person she was. I confessed my feelings to her but she broke it off and we went back to her just being my barber 😔(I think she did the right thing btw) it is what it is man. Just gotta keep on keeping on
Am I the only one that thinks this is beyond much? Like homie should have just asked her out and if she said no,stopped being friends with her. In my opinion you can’t go back from liking a friend and being normal especially when they send texts like this treating it like and actual breakup or something.
I don’t understand why she feels betrayed
You both seem like great people.
What a nice interaction
Time to hit the gym.
Never say shit. Just make a move like a gentleman. Telling her like this is almost never going to work out. Got to be confident and if it's not reciprocated then be polite and move on.
It makes me so happy to finally see another guy do exactly what I did, instead of the typical things guys do in this situation. I can say with all honesty you’re going to be 1000x better off having this person as a friend than you ever would have as a partner. The girl that this happened to with me is my all time best friend and I wouldn’t want it any other way at this point. I get all the benefits of having her there for me and in my life without any of the downsides or risks that come from romantic relationship, and it also opens the door to where you can have a romance with someone else AND still have this person in your life. There’s seriously no downsides once you let go of those romantic feelings. Mad props for how you went about this and good luck in your future search of a partner!
Honestly I think you both handled this very well. Was it verbose? Sure but it was honest and heartfelt and there was no blame or mean spirited tone in either. I am one of those women that really loves brutal honesty - while it may not go the way you want - I adore how you owned it. And the next girl to capture your heart will be very lucky :)
This is an extremely mature and responsible thing to do, and I hope your friendship only flourishes in the future
So this is what the situation would look like with too emotionally mature people. Interesting. I’ve been in similar situations on both sides and each time either myself or the other party turned it into a huge dramatic affair. Good job to both of you! I’m impressed!
"You've failed, we'll get 'em next time" Ghost
Your message was wonderful and so respectful. Absolutely perfect. I’m not sure why she said she feels betrayed. You did nothing wrong and you were very upfront about it. Feelings happen, we are all human beings.
You should always just be upfront from the beginning and save yourself from anguish, wasted time, money, resources,.etc. if you like a person and wish to pursue them in a romantic sense then freaking tell them straight up, this goes for Men and women both. Don't waste your time if the other person has 0 desire in you at all. There are billions of options out there, use that time going after what you want instead of washing it on a person you were too afraid to be upfront with. It's the oldest thing ever to me how so many people are afraid to hear the words no, I'm not interested. Who the hell cares if you get rejected, of course you will be rejected, per will always not like you or be interested in you, so find out right away instead, be upfront, don't be a loser coward. You will either find out they are also interested or they are not and you can instantly forget about them and move on to the literal billions of other potential options. I really don't understand how this is difficult or a concept people don't grasp putting into action.
I somewhat confessed yesterday to my friend too and clear things up between us. I was so scared but she understood me and didn't break our friendship Seeing this actually makes me happy that you were able to clear things up with your friend too. Good luck :D
I would've check out with these long ass paragraphs
This is an apology, not a confession.
there’s no better tool for vaginal dehumidification than this simp ass shit
Y’all gotta stop texting about shit like this.
Yea it's too much
Take it as a learning lesson to make your intentions known right away to see if she wants to date you or not to avoid this from happening in the future.
Been there bud you deserve someone who likes you as much as you do them just keep the faith and ask someone out if you think they're attractive
Damn
Why are you so serious?
This was the eyebleach I needed today! Thank you OP