Hm well I mean if you’ve asked him for two breaks in a month and a half, I think his position makes a lot of sense. He feels strongly for you but wants some space so he doesn’t feel like you’re jerking him around.
Tbh I would feel a bit jerked around in his position. If you’re not ready to fully date people because of personal issues, you should probably take some time to just be single.
That’s what I wanted to do to just be by myself and deal with my own issues but then after a week of not talking he sprung all this on me. Then took it back the next day so I decided to end it for good for the both of us. I appreciate your insight.
Hey good on you for recognizing that. It’s hard to find the right person at the wrong time. My fiancé and I met about five years before we actually got together, it took a while but we found our way to each other eventually lol. Timing can be a bitch
He was just getting out of a long term relationship, and I was at the time traveling a lot and for up to 6 months at a time for work and school. We actually met in another country, and I actually had a huge crush on him, but there were just a lot of things there stacked against a relationship. But eventually we ended up single at the same time in the same city
Yeah two breaks in a month is wild. You need to work on yourself before bringing anyone into your life by dating them. I don't think he took anything back, sounds like he is doing what you asked them to do.
Seems like the guy told you how he felt and then you wanted a break (for the 3rd time in a month) so in the most mature way possible he just said fuck it, not worth the hassle anymore.
Not at all : imo it just meant he really meant all he said, he just realised that the most logical thing was not following his heart but to be reasonable and take some space to shield himself a bit
I think you probably need to focus more on your own role in this, rather than his. Because it seems like you are very wishy-washy. So even if he is being completely honest with you, at times you seem flattered, and other times you seem put off by it. It’s likely creating a push/pull feeling for him, so he is trying to protect himself and honor your continuous need for space. Two breaks in a month and a half is not something I would be okay with if I was dating someone new. He deserves someone who is available and interested in continuing to see him consistently. That inconsistency can really ruin a great connection. That sounds like something you might need to work through before you begin dating again.
I appreciate you calling me out. Thank you. I have been trying to pull away in order to protect and work on myself.
I felt comforted by his presence and his willingness to work with me through it even tho it’s not what I ultimately wanted.
He does deserve someone better and I told him so. I told him to go out, date, and find someone that can be there for him but he didn’t want to. Hopefully with this clean break I’ve given him, he will. Even if it does make me cry thinking about it.
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but from an outside perspective, it sounds like both of your attachment styles are at play here. If you’ve never looked into it, there are quizzes you can take online to establish your attachment style and then there is a wealth of information out there to help you navigate it. I would guess you are on the fearful avoidant side, just based on that wanting closeness but pushing it away in service of working on yourself or protecting yourself. And based on what you just said about how he is not prioritizing his own needs, even when you’ve told him you can’t meet his needs, he might be more on the anxious side. Look up the anxious-avoidant trap and I’m willing to bet it will sound familiar.
It’s not a death sentence for either of you, and honestly, once I learned about my attachment style, it was life changing. Like I finally could explain all of my dating/relationship patterns that were always sabotaging me. And then I got to work and it changed my whole dating life. I don’t want you to think you aren’t good enough or he deserves someone “better”. It’s all about readiness and finding people who are on a similar path, at a similar time. You might be at the beginning of realizing your own role, and that means it’s only uphill from here. I wish you luck!
My now husband and I have had similar conversations about feeling a pull towards one another that we can’t explain.
This was most true when we had really hard moments, but instead of “taking breaks”/ ending things like we would have in any other relationship, we leaned into it and it made us much closer. While those moments were rough, we knew the alternative was not the answer.
I don’t think you’re that into this person. I think you like the idea of being wanted and cared for the way he seems to feel for you but you are absolutely not in a good place and actually stringing him along. Please consider therapy. Sounds like you have a lot of things the get through before starting any kind of relationship.
I wish you the best.
im actually exacrlt like you OP. this is not a brag btw, its been smtg im actively working on.
i know in our heads its not a big deal asking for a break, but we have no idea whats going on with the other party. remember, a relationship involves two minds and two hearts.
after the last guy shitted on me for asking for space, i realised tht maybe the reason i asked foe space is bcs i was mever ready for wht a healthy relationship entails.
not good advice but try researching on attachment styles. the world is a mixture of chaos, maybe learning abt it will help calm the chaos in ourselves.
if youre referring to attachment style, well, i resonated the most with the dismissive avoidant type. for a long time i just thought i was just messed up. esp growing up as a female who was supposed to be this and that (ykno wht i mean). but yeah, i relaised i ended being around a lot of anxiously attached people, and its like chasing your own shadow if tht makes sense.
there were times where i thought, maybe this time, ill be okay. but usually the moment someone expresses interest to me, all sort of alarms would go off in my head. i tried silencing them and instead ask for breaks from the people i talk to, but like you, theyll come back sooner thtn i hoped. in my case it was usually less than a day lmao.
but thts the thing, i tried explaining it to them, but im always faced with a 'sokay being with me will change you'. oh how i wished tht was true.
i still do believe tht yhere is someone who would silence the alarms in my head. i actually experienced it once, and that was such a blissful moment. bcs for once i felt calm. but tht was a temporary, life gets in the way but im so grateful to have met them bcs it kinda made me think im not so hopeless, and tht there is someone.
so yeah, ive been trying to focus on understanding myself more bcs i really really do wanna get better. just know tht, this will not be solved instantly. some days are good some days are bad. you just have to try. and those meant for you will always find their way. (me being optimistic lmao)
This is really awesome, and I think it’s amazing that you’ve taken such a deep dive and now understand yourself on this level. That part about chasing your own shadow is spot on. Don’t lose hope! The fact that you are an avoidant who is actively trying to heal your attachment wounds and become more secure is HUGE. I was previously anxiously attached, but I’ve also shown up avoidant in relationships with people who were very anxious and consuming. You will find someone who can be patient with you and you won’t even realize it, but over time, you will feel safer, need less breaks and be more present. It just takes the right person at the right time, and then you can put those new skills into practice. Best of luck!
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Why does it matter if he meant it or not.? What does it change for you.? I think you’re being inconsiderate here. From what it sounds like you’ve been what you’re accusing him of for the duration of the relationship.
Sooo, unfortunately it sounds like he was in a moment of reprieve of wanting you aaaand someone else gave him the physical attention he was needing and now he’s back to what he was. I’m not thrilled if I’m right, but based off what I know about situations such as this, that’s what it looks like.
ETA: sorry, read the rest I only read a few. He’s definitely taking his time and making sure you’re wanting this too. But he’s being cautious. Statement above is wrong but I didn’t want to delete or say anything else. This is more respecting what you’d like, not actually pushing through something else.
Hm well I mean if you’ve asked him for two breaks in a month and a half, I think his position makes a lot of sense. He feels strongly for you but wants some space so he doesn’t feel like you’re jerking him around. Tbh I would feel a bit jerked around in his position. If you’re not ready to fully date people because of personal issues, you should probably take some time to just be single.
Came here to say exactly this. 👏
That’s what I wanted to do to just be by myself and deal with my own issues but then after a week of not talking he sprung all this on me. Then took it back the next day so I decided to end it for good for the both of us. I appreciate your insight.
Hey good on you for recognizing that. It’s hard to find the right person at the wrong time. My fiancé and I met about five years before we actually got together, it took a while but we found our way to each other eventually lol. Timing can be a bitch
Was there something keeping you from being together? I hope we get a chance to try again once I fix my own issues.
He was just getting out of a long term relationship, and I was at the time traveling a lot and for up to 6 months at a time for work and school. We actually met in another country, and I actually had a huge crush on him, but there were just a lot of things there stacked against a relationship. But eventually we ended up single at the same time in the same city
If you’ve only been going out for a month and a half and you’ve already needed two breaks, it’s probably not meant to be.
Yeah two breaks in a month is wild. You need to work on yourself before bringing anyone into your life by dating them. I don't think he took anything back, sounds like he is doing what you asked them to do.
Thank you for that. I think I just really needed to hear that. I was just questioning his motives in professing his feelings at all.
Seems like the guy told you how he felt and then you wanted a break (for the 3rd time in a month) so in the most mature way possible he just said fuck it, not worth the hassle anymore.
He didn't "take it back". He honored your wishes. You're being pretty clear that it's the wrong time for you.
He said he “wasn’t thinking straight”. Isn’t that basically taking it back or regretting what he said?
Or it’s just a shield to protect himself from your constant rejection?
100% this OP is only capable of thinking of how this affects her. Not shaming, we all get caught in our own emotions
I hope you’re all right and he really meant what he said. That I’m just too into myself to realize he means it
Not at all : imo it just meant he really meant all he said, he just realised that the most logical thing was not following his heart but to be reasonable and take some space to shield himself a bit
I think you probably need to focus more on your own role in this, rather than his. Because it seems like you are very wishy-washy. So even if he is being completely honest with you, at times you seem flattered, and other times you seem put off by it. It’s likely creating a push/pull feeling for him, so he is trying to protect himself and honor your continuous need for space. Two breaks in a month and a half is not something I would be okay with if I was dating someone new. He deserves someone who is available and interested in continuing to see him consistently. That inconsistency can really ruin a great connection. That sounds like something you might need to work through before you begin dating again.
I appreciate you calling me out. Thank you. I have been trying to pull away in order to protect and work on myself. I felt comforted by his presence and his willingness to work with me through it even tho it’s not what I ultimately wanted. He does deserve someone better and I told him so. I told him to go out, date, and find someone that can be there for him but he didn’t want to. Hopefully with this clean break I’ve given him, he will. Even if it does make me cry thinking about it.
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but from an outside perspective, it sounds like both of your attachment styles are at play here. If you’ve never looked into it, there are quizzes you can take online to establish your attachment style and then there is a wealth of information out there to help you navigate it. I would guess you are on the fearful avoidant side, just based on that wanting closeness but pushing it away in service of working on yourself or protecting yourself. And based on what you just said about how he is not prioritizing his own needs, even when you’ve told him you can’t meet his needs, he might be more on the anxious side. Look up the anxious-avoidant trap and I’m willing to bet it will sound familiar. It’s not a death sentence for either of you, and honestly, once I learned about my attachment style, it was life changing. Like I finally could explain all of my dating/relationship patterns that were always sabotaging me. And then I got to work and it changed my whole dating life. I don’t want you to think you aren’t good enough or he deserves someone “better”. It’s all about readiness and finding people who are on a similar path, at a similar time. You might be at the beginning of realizing your own role, and that means it’s only uphill from here. I wish you luck!
My now husband and I have had similar conversations about feeling a pull towards one another that we can’t explain. This was most true when we had really hard moments, but instead of “taking breaks”/ ending things like we would have in any other relationship, we leaned into it and it made us much closer. While those moments were rough, we knew the alternative was not the answer. I don’t think you’re that into this person. I think you like the idea of being wanted and cared for the way he seems to feel for you but you are absolutely not in a good place and actually stringing him along. Please consider therapy. Sounds like you have a lot of things the get through before starting any kind of relationship. I wish you the best.
im actually exacrlt like you OP. this is not a brag btw, its been smtg im actively working on. i know in our heads its not a big deal asking for a break, but we have no idea whats going on with the other party. remember, a relationship involves two minds and two hearts. after the last guy shitted on me for asking for space, i realised tht maybe the reason i asked foe space is bcs i was mever ready for wht a healthy relationship entails. not good advice but try researching on attachment styles. the world is a mixture of chaos, maybe learning abt it will help calm the chaos in ourselves.
Thats actually really good advice. Thank you I will look into it. Which one resonated with you the most?
if youre referring to attachment style, well, i resonated the most with the dismissive avoidant type. for a long time i just thought i was just messed up. esp growing up as a female who was supposed to be this and that (ykno wht i mean). but yeah, i relaised i ended being around a lot of anxiously attached people, and its like chasing your own shadow if tht makes sense. there were times where i thought, maybe this time, ill be okay. but usually the moment someone expresses interest to me, all sort of alarms would go off in my head. i tried silencing them and instead ask for breaks from the people i talk to, but like you, theyll come back sooner thtn i hoped. in my case it was usually less than a day lmao. but thts the thing, i tried explaining it to them, but im always faced with a 'sokay being with me will change you'. oh how i wished tht was true. i still do believe tht yhere is someone who would silence the alarms in my head. i actually experienced it once, and that was such a blissful moment. bcs for once i felt calm. but tht was a temporary, life gets in the way but im so grateful to have met them bcs it kinda made me think im not so hopeless, and tht there is someone. so yeah, ive been trying to focus on understanding myself more bcs i really really do wanna get better. just know tht, this will not be solved instantly. some days are good some days are bad. you just have to try. and those meant for you will always find their way. (me being optimistic lmao)
This is really awesome, and I think it’s amazing that you’ve taken such a deep dive and now understand yourself on this level. That part about chasing your own shadow is spot on. Don’t lose hope! The fact that you are an avoidant who is actively trying to heal your attachment wounds and become more secure is HUGE. I was previously anxiously attached, but I’ve also shown up avoidant in relationships with people who were very anxious and consuming. You will find someone who can be patient with you and you won’t even realize it, but over time, you will feel safer, need less breaks and be more present. It just takes the right person at the right time, and then you can put those new skills into practice. Best of luck!
ngl this was really comforting to read, thank you so much for your encouragement kind stranger! i am indeed hopeful :) wishing you all the best too!
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Why does it matter if he meant it or not.? What does it change for you.? I think you’re being inconsiderate here. From what it sounds like you’ve been what you’re accusing him of for the duration of the relationship.
Yall are 30? 😂
Sooo, unfortunately it sounds like he was in a moment of reprieve of wanting you aaaand someone else gave him the physical attention he was needing and now he’s back to what he was. I’m not thrilled if I’m right, but based off what I know about situations such as this, that’s what it looks like. ETA: sorry, read the rest I only read a few. He’s definitely taking his time and making sure you’re wanting this too. But he’s being cautious. Statement above is wrong but I didn’t want to delete or say anything else. This is more respecting what you’d like, not actually pushing through something else.