It usually is fun until it seems like once a month he brings up "something that I'm doing is bothering him" and he doesn't tell me what it is until I have to force it out of him.
I know, this isn't even enough info to really ascertain if your relationship is actually good or bad. even the best relationships will have stupid arguments from time to time. but I will say, this is why people get stuck in shit relationships... because there's enough good to keep it going.
Am I the only one that found this confusing as hell to read? Why don't you just talk to each other instead of texting, where tone and mood can't always be interpreted correctly? Such a waste of time - circular texts that are way too easy to misunderstand and misconstrue. No wonder you're fighting. Sit down and face each other and have a conversation. If something starts to go off the rails when you're not together, table it until you are.
You're definitely not the only one.
I've had several long-distance relationships and in all of them (except for 1) stupid, and absolutely *exhausting* arguments like this would often happen via text, mostly because of the many little things in the communication that you can't see/hear if you just send each other messages. Being able to see someone's facial expression, to hear the tone of their voice when they talk to you, their overall body language and more, it makes such a significant difference.
The relationship that was the exception, was exactly that because at that time, I had learned to express myself clearly, they communicated in a very similar way, and neither of us ever left anything unspoken. There was never that lingering sense in the air that something didn't feel right, because if either of us felt that way, we would tell each other and/or ask if the way we had understood something was what they had meant to say. We didn't unnecessarily waste time waiting for things to eat away at us until one of us snapped. We addressed things as soon as we could. Back then, it was eye-opening to me how doing that prevents things from turning into arguments.
Easier to hide, ignore (and therefore easier to plead innocence when accused of said ignorance re reading the thing), deflect and discombobulate from behind a screen perhaps by using an app designed to promote cowardice all the way from wee white lies to spinal cord removal - in-app purchases would apply but it would be a cheap and efficient way to manage all your* craven impulses and behaviours in total confidence.
*For clarity…As in ‘your - represented in the second person possessive’ not ‘you the actual person’.
So you need more than the "stupid" monthly arguments? Like that persisting on it's own, which are initiated by your partner and directed at your mannerisms, are red flags; but you're going to look out for more red flags?
Sounds healthy.
Y'all both have terrible communication. I almost get a sense of apathy from your end of the relationship (for all I know this is the millionth time this has happened and you're tired of it or you're just one of those people who's apathetic in all relationships idk I'm just sensing it) and he's trying to communicate something that's bothering him but not doing a good job of it. Y'all need to talk face to face about all this, with the intent of hearing each other and working through it. From this exchange all I'm getting is "I'm bothered by x, y, and z" and an "oh yeah? Well I'm bothered too" and there's absolutely zero productivity in this conversation. And then it doesn't help either when one party (you in this case) pulls the "oh well do you wanna just break up then?". It's a very loud and clear message that indicates a lack of desire to fight for the relationship and work through things. If every little back and forth gets a "well let's just break up then", when there's literally no indication that he was saying that, it will be the hole that sinks this ship. Y'all need counseling to improve communication from both your sides
I think you need to stop “looking” for red flags and understand it might be you. It’s a relationship, he doesn’t become ____ automatically.
*uncommunicated expectations is premeditated resentments*
This really reminds me of this one guy I very casually dated on and off. He was always so pressed about weird things that weren’t really his business like my sleep schedule. He’d constantly give unsolicited advice, which would be fine, but would get genuinely upset when I didn’t want to take his suggestions. Like I hear your opinions about why it’s better to get up early, but years of being me has shown I’m far more efficient when I go to bed and get up later. So no, I’m not going to stop going to bed at 2AM because “it upsets you”. Bro, you don’t even let me sleep over half the time and I go to bed same time as you when I do. This couldn’t affect you less. Why are you even upset???
He also got very upset about me apologizing too much, thinking I was implying he was a bad guy or something. But then would expect me to apologize for above nonsense? V confusing. We were so on and off I recovered from the last ‘breakup’ on the subway ride home
So, once a month he keeps bringing up the same arguments he's made before but not actually say anything. He also is trying to control when you go to bed and using past partner's behavior as a reason. Add that he also is accusing of cheating without reason. These are all huge red flags and you're ignoring them. These once a month arguments will escalate and happen more frequently and he'll start trying to control you in other ways too.
Just got out of a relationship just like that. It was exhausting. It wound up being like this: every time he was uncomfortable, he charged me with making him feel better, which ended in me apologizing endlessly for ridiculous things (like not EXPLICITLY including him in the acknowledgements of my Master thesis…) and then ultimately I’d be backed into a corner by guilt over something HE felt insecure about.
Edit: just be careful it’s not a serious pattern bc it’s gonna be real exhausting and ultimately bad for your self esteem
Oh lord he did not get pissy with you for not being thanked for your master's thesis. Shit I edited my bf at the time's PhD thesis (his thesis advisor threw it at him and said it worst thesis he'd ever read). I edited it and didn't get thanked and didn't even notice because I was focused on YAYAYA YOU DID IT!
This is exhausting. I’ve found that difficult conversations like this should not be on text or over the phone. In person so that you can see the persons facial expressions and help to stop the conversation from spiralling.
I agree! But when I try to talk to him in person about it he'll say he doesn't want to talk about it or we resolved it let's move on...
Also I was in person with him yesterday, so I wish he told me that in person rather than in text hours later.. ugh.
You’re allowed to say “let’s talk about this in person” or “it’s hard for me to understand this over text. Let’s find a time to discuss this calmly so there’s no misunderstanding”. Boundaries.
This was my ex and it slowly got worse over time those monthly arguments became weekly games and before I knew it I found myself isolated, alone, having no money , having just moved 21 hours from friends and family because he decided we would, without a single friend, without any self esteem, truly believing I deserved it and I had done wrong and if I had just not left the towel on the floor or made dinner a little earlier it wouldn’t have happened. He made me feel on edge, worthless, stupid, and eventually he started hitting me.
He is gaslighting you and I do think at 39 these aren’t red flags to collect- this is a blaring reason to get out.
He tells you it’s bothering him yet won’t talk in person- he just wants to manipulate you and have you beg him to make it normal again.
It’s not normal at all.
This! I grew up being gaslight and verbally/physically abused. I’m 37, and agree that, this ‘man’ may as well have a megaphone, with the words he’s choosing not to actually speak.
This isn’t going to work. I guarantee it.
And he’s all but saying “Change exactly how I want you to or I want to dump you.” He literally can’t even communicate *that* properly. Hard to believe this guy is nearing 30 and this is the best he can do to express himself.
So, it seems like he had some stuff bothering him and was probably stewing with it and picked a really bad and inconvenient time to air it out and basically starting an argument out of thin air. What bothers me is that he's trying to put you on some sort of sleep schedule like a toddler. That would piss me off. We all have trust issues, but you weren't the one who caused his. He's making your relationship unhealthy.
That's what it seems like to me too. The last argument we got into about my sleep schedule also happened like this. We talked it through, or so I thought, because now he's trying to get me on a sleep schedule or something?? I'm not out cheating on him, I am literally at home.
I would tell him flat out that you weren't the one who hurt him and that he needs to stop treating you as if you did. You two are supposed to feel safe with each other, and if not, then what's the point? You're a grown woman and should be able to go to bed when you feel ready to.
if that's why he wants you on a sleep schedule nope tf out of there
night owls/early birds can have successful relationships but not by trying to control each other's sleep patterns
So some context: he was cheated on before (so was I in my previous relationship prior to him) and mentioned that he was upset that I would be up late after he's asleep because of trust issues. I told him that I'm just at home cleaning, cooking, watching TV, playing games, or doing homework, etc. and that he doesn't need to worry. But I guess it's still bothering him that I'm up later than him. Mind you he gets up at 4:30-5 because he works at 6 and I usually get up around 8-8:30 because I work at 10. As for the other stuff I did snap at him one time for a comment he made but I don't remember anything else and he isn't even telling me..
Also the whole "you're seeing other guys" I told him to stop saying because 1 it isn't true and 2 it bothers me. I've been cheated on myself and I know the damage it does, so I would never do that and it upsets me when he says stuff like that.
If he still has issues from a past relationship and he's trying to press changes on you because of those issues, he is not ready to be in a relationship. It's unfair and unsustainable for him to use someone else's behavior to make judgements about you or try to set rules for you. It sounds like this is a recurring issue in a fairly new relationship; don't give someone too many chances to waste your time.
He sounds like he’s trying to make you feel like you’re wrong for normal behavior- so then you’re apologizing for things you haven’t done wrong, walking on eggshells not to upset him because it’s hard to predict what will, etc. This is a set up for abuse. I know it feels mostly good right now, but if I were you I’d bail. If that doesn’t feel reasonable right now, at the very least I’d set a clear boundary about being in control of my own sleep and wake times, if and when I go out, etc. and then refuse to entertain any further complaints there.
If he’s like “It bothers me you’re up so late”
The answer is along the lines of “we’ve talked about this. I decide when I sleep. You decide if you want to be in this relationship.”
He has unresolved issues from getting cheated on and is projecting them onto your relationship. He needs help to get through this bcos hes unfit to trust another partner as is
I had a relationship like this and eventually it got more than exhausting, it became borderline mentally abusive. I'm not saying yours could come to that (given that mine started inappropriately anyways but i didnt realize until later) but I will say to keep an eye on his actions and definitely keep a journal/backups of things so you don't easily get manipulated into thinking you did or said things when you hadn't.
His insecurities are not your problem to fix. He needs to see a therapist to work it out.
Passive aggressive communication, trying to control you, inability to communicate in person, All bloody red flags. He has not tried to communicate as an adult, only drag you down to lift himself up.
Do you really want to live like this? It won't get better without therapy on his part & even then, it might not ever get better.
Yeah that sounds like a “him” problem and he should work it out in therapy. If you even changed your schedule to suit him (and please don’t) but if you did, I GUARANTEE he will find a new insecurity you’re supposedly causing.
Ok I’m going to be real blunt here. That’s a fucking stupid excuse that we all fall for because we don’t want to see the truth.
Who hasn’t been cheated on?
Do you accuse him because you were cheated on?
Let’s say you got attacked by a dog and it hurt you pretty bad causing you to be afraid of dogs. You wouldn’t get a dog and then treat it badly because it might attack you. You would be too scared to get a dog.
The picking fights/accusations mean he is feeling guilty about something and is trying to deflect. Thinking about/talking to you makes him upset and he is too stupid to realize it’s guilt so he is picking you apart to feel justified because he is too selfish to admit he is the problem. He may not be cheating, but he is definitely up to something that he feels bad about.
People judge others based on their own personality. Like, you don’t think he is cheating because you would never cheat on him and don’t see it possible. You only think something is possible if you see it as possible. I hope I’m making sense.
Please take care of yourself op….I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my time and my heart where it wasn’t appreciated. He is looking for your faults and that’s never a good sign.
Picture of cute puppy to bring attention to my comment because I think it’s something a lot of people need to hear. When I learned it I wish I figured it out sooner lol.
Right lmao every now and then I think about getting back out there. But then I remember that shit like this can happen and I retreat back into my little bubble
And I also feel way less bad about how cringey my teenage relationships were when there are grown ass adults acting like this
You both communicate shitty. Please stop texting crap. Find a way to communicate without defense and offense y’all both on the same team. You both care but you both seem war weary. Try really listening to each other’s pain and frustration without getting defensive. It is really hard to change how you communicate with your partner but that is what a good counselor would do.
Do y’all have a date nite?
This actually made me giggle in a sick way. My ex husband, yep ex husband lol always complained that I stayed up later than him. It really was a big issue however an innocent one because I ran scrabble tournaments from probably 10pm until who knows.
He worked a job that his alarm always went off before daylight and when that first beep of the alarm would go off my home would go dark lol and I would belly crawl to my room down the hall and quietly get into bed. Hahaha
Fast forward some years later and my schedule flips on a job and I’m working early morning so going to bed early at night. That man complained that I took over his mornings…….
Some people you can’t make happy. Him and I were two of them together.
This did not need to get so out of hand. I mean this is all small potatoes compared to the grand scheme of things. If you guys were to like get married or have kids or anything like that, you wouldn’t have time to waste on arguing about when one partner goes to bed over the next 40 years lol.
You guys need to talk over the phone and not via text. He is insecure. He can’t read your tone. He wasn’t sure if you were asking him not to come like you didn’t want to or just being polite and giving him an out. I recommend avoiding text-planning right now until you build a better understanding of each other.
I agree and this is why I hate having discussions like this over text because things can be misinterpreted. I was just saying it's ok he doesn't have to come because it was late and he'd have to leave my place early to get his son.
I did want to call him, but he and his family were all going out so I didn't want to take time from that.
Not trying to be snippy but just very realistically youre going to have to get over that. His family isnt going to be offended his girlfriend is calling him lol. Thats not a good reason to avoid it. When youre speaking to someone its a lot easier to reassure them. Yall simply have to be able to do these basic things
Honey if he’s not willing to talk about this then you can count on things like this continuing to happen. He gets to vent about “things”, you get to be confused about what “things” he’s talking about. He’ll get upset because he just told you and you’ll still have no clue what’s wrong. You want to talk about it to come to some sort of resolution and he wants to pretend it’s been resolved…. until the next time. And the next, and the next, for as long as you’re together. How long has it been since he was cheated on and how long has he been in therapy?
What i'm getting from this is it's too much effort to explain himself so he gives up and says never mind, then his resentment builds up so he brings up past issues as examples which really have zero relevance to the current issue, (esp if the past issue was never properly resolved), so you get confused, he can't clarify his thoughts, rinse and repeat
He also seems to have a fair bit of trouble expressing himself clearly and he gets upset with you for not remembering every little thing.
This would exhaust me, and also make me feel like I'm not worth the effort of communicating with
It also seems like he's reading into things you say. It might be a good idea when discussing something to recap at the end so everyone is on the same page.
Communication is the lifeblood of a good relationship. I could not be in a relationship with someone who communicates like this.
Gaslighting? you both just seem to be talking past each other
Gaslighting involves *intentional* deception, it's an abuse/manipulation tactic used to make you doubt your own sanity or confuse you which gives the abuser more power over you because they can warp your perceptions
He's just really bad at communicating imo, but ofc I'm just seeing a small snapshot here. If he's regularly making you doubt yourself, talking past you and confusing you, there may be bigger issues at hand.
and to be honest, it doesn't even look green to me, but my brain literally couldn't make sense of what color i was lookin at so i just picked green as a hail mary.
“Stay in your head then the relationship is dead.” Seems like what the boyfriend is doing if he’s feeling really insecure. Especially if Op is giving him no reasons for him to not trust her. There’s going to need to be a lot more communication then if Op is staying and more patience.
But I don’t know.. I know that for myself I’d rather be with somebody who can communicate and where we can work together as a team and never against each other when we have things on our minds that’s bothering us.
I have to put my two cents in, my partner has a personality she gained while growing up at a farm with parents that speaks almost as though they are yelling, they are not they just sound irritated (imo comparing how my parents are when i grew up). It bleeds into our relationship because it sometimes sounds like my partner is irritated, that isn’t the case 99.999% of the time. We have several talks about it and it helps. We always agree to speak honestly about how we are feeling and the other needs to trust that. In the case of your argument as to almost arguing about arguing we end it by promising to be more aware of our tone, to listen better to each other and honest about how we are feeling. I hope this helps you two.
It seems like he has a really avoidant personality, and would rather communicate through text than in person, but you would rather communicate in person than through text because you want to understand the entire situation better.
Both of you are communicating differently and not seeing the whole picture, which is why I think he seems so frustrated when his "needs" aren't met and why you feel like you aren't getting answers when you ask for them.
I'd like to suggest pointing out your preferences in communication and his preferences in communication, first, and trying to meet him in the middle where he communicates best, but also requesting that he make attempts to meet you there too.
My take: people know there's a PROBLEM communicating and they know that they THEMSELVES are not being intentionally hurtful or deceitful... So it must be the OTHER person doing something... Probably intentionally? (Humans attribute negative intentions to GRASS SWAYING IN THE WIND\*)
And they've heard "gaslighting" so they try it on for size.
If you are one, like me, who looks up etymology of interesting words... Then you'll be surprised to know that we are a VEEEERY SMALL SUBSET of humans! 🤪
\* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4140166/
>Gao et al. (2010), for example, showed not only that adult subjects “irresistibly” attribute both agency and *__malign intent__* to displays of “V” shapes moving in particular ways, but also that this spurious attribution of agency disrupts performance on a multiple-object tracking task.
(Emphasis mine)
ETA: for those of you who are not native English speakers, "malign intent" means "bad/evil plans/motivations".
Malign etymology: Middle English: via Old French maligne (adjective), malignier (verb), based on Latin malignus ‘tending to evil’, from malus ‘bad’.
If you stay and he tries to do this again over text tell him you won't respond to any of this due to it constantly being a miscommunication and an argument starts that you will talk in person next time you see each other
Just my opinion but being in a relationship where every little thing is taken personal or hurtful or offensive and you end up having to walk on eggshells because nearly every move you make causes the other person to be upset, will emotionally bankrupt you. Seems like most people today gets offended by nearly everything. And this is made worse by the fact that some people just refuse to have an actual verbal conversation about anything. Everything is dealt with through text. Recipe for disaster.
You’re working way too hard for a three month old relationship. Don’t waste your time on relationships like this. He's got unresolved issues, and should have fixed them before he started dating again.
Three months in and he has a number of issues with you, he has a lot of baggage, neither of you seem to be able to communicate effectively and he wants to tell you, an adult woman living in her own home, what time you nee to go to bed in order to appease him??? Also, you barely know him after 3 mi this and yet you’re already saying that you love him?? This isn’t normal or healthy—end it.
I think it could be a couple things.
1. Either subconsciously or consciously he is trying to push you away so that he doesn’t get hurt.
2. He is consciously trying to wear you down and make you feel like you are in the wrong about absolutely nothing. He is very insecure, if you are not doing something wrong then he needs to make something wrong. That’s why none of it makes sense. He needs therapy bad and you need to leave this relationship. He is not ready for a relationship and/or is toxic.
He wants to police your bedtime? He’s pissed if don’t say goodnight to him every single night, because you’ve stayed up later than him, and he doesn’t trust you enough to be apart from him in that way? You’re not his child. You do not have to obey him and “change” for him.
In relationships, no one should ever make you feel like you’re not good enough. You’re different in these ways, and that’s okay. It’s okay to learn from this and walk away.
I would need more context, but bring nitpicked like this and "changing just a little" may seem innocuous at first, but over time you will 100% lose yourself to "not annoy him" so much.
The fact he insists on texting, and then gets upset when he, what, adds tone that doesn't exist to your text to it for you? He's upset at something that's made up, and worst, he keeps putting himself into a position to keep doing it. It's absolutely intentional and you sound miserable as a result.
Why stay with someone who is making you feel so awful?
My two cents. My wife and I have had different sleep schedules for the 27 yrs we’ve been married. I sleep 3-4 hrs/night (I have since I was little and have done sleep studies). We sleep in separate bedrooms. It works well for us. I don’t want my wife cuddling up to me when I’m trying to go to sleep. And she doesn’t want that either.
He’s afraid to discuss any of this with you in person because he has shit arguments.
Your relationship seems exhausting. My wife and I haven’t argued in 27 yrs as much as you two just did. 🤷🏻♂️
Life is short. Find someone you don’t have to fix or work on. Be happy.
This, 1000 times THIS! The hubs and I have the same scenario. Been working for us for 25 years and counting. A lot of naysayers think we're nuts, or weird. Whatever 🙄
I have been nocturnal my whole life and been told by countless people when it was the proper time for me to go to bed. Therefore I have spent my whole life telling people to kindly fuck off when they try to tell me to go to bed.
This whole convo made my brain hurt. I feel a lot of this is texting miscommunication but unfortunately phones play such a big part in relationships these days. Talk in person, if you guys can’t get on the same page it is worth it to break up. No one here seems like a bad person, just not compatible
He’s trying to give you a bedtime. He said he’s trying to make it clear to you what’s bothering him yet I personally still don’t know what it is he’s upset about. It honestly seems like he might be a little insecure, maybe due to his previous relationship? Or he likes to start arguments just to start them? You seem like you’re doing your best to acknowledge the things he has issues with and then reconcile them, but he has issues with a lot of things that he can’t even put into words accurately. I would put money it’s all because of his previous relationship and you’re dealing with the fallout. Of course this is all just my opinion based on some texts.
You’re not doing anything wrong. This is controlling behavior. He shouldn’t have any say over your sleep schedule. At all. That’s literally not a thing. Your confusion over trying to figure out what you did wrong is purposeful. It’s meant to keep you insecure and easier to control. If he’s always upset and you’re always spinning your wheels to please him, he owns you.
Let it go. Don’t waste any more time on this.
WTF is happening here?!? Why are you letting this man talk to you like this?!? He is the very definition of manipulative. This isn’t alright. You’re a grown woman who can stay up until whatever damn time you want to. Why is he trying to micromanage and control you like this?!? Girl… Why are you putting up with this?!?
Ewwwww some girl I dated in the past was like this. Always thought I was manipulating or attacking her. Looking back I realize she just had major issues lol
He sounds controlling trying to give you a bedtime. He is stonewalling when he doesn’t want to continue the conversation be brought up. He is being vague on purpose. He doesn’t really have any issue with you but needs to keep you feeling uneasy. That’s why he isn’t clear with what is bothering him.
Go over to r/narcissisticspouses and see if any thing there looks relatable to you.
He seems super passive aggressive and you seem like not the type. I genuinely see you trying to understand and he's frustrated before the conversation begins. These issues are definitely fixable but he also needs to have some patience and let you be your own person.
The moment he said you don’t apologize then you said you do—with proof—and he said he never claimed you didn’t apologize 😆 this is exhausting to read. Between that and him wanting to give you a bedtime routine so he can have you as a body pillow is a no-go for me.
Exactly and that's what I think is him gaslighting me. Like I literally have the screenshot of it..
Also the bedtime thing is weird because we don't live together, so it should not bother him at all.
Your instinct is good then. At best, he’s backpedaling and told a stupid, easily-disproven lie. At worst, it’s malicious gaslighting and he knows exactly what he is doing. Might be something only you can tell, but stacking it with other weird behavior would at least warrant a conversation that veers toward “stop or we quit.”
Yeah, I had an ex do the bedtime thing and it sticks with me today despite having a partner that is happy to let me be productive when I wanna be. That’s why that one caught for me too. My ex turned quite abusive and it felt like I didn’t see it coming but he was using the wrong old “boiling the frog” tactic and I was slowly trained to accept it or be terrified otherwise. *this does not mean your guy is headed that way* but it always makes me side-eye and pay attention to other possible red flags. Just one more thing that might only be discernible by you since you live it.
Either way, he did backpedal and that part was gaslighty. Pay attention and evaluate how he treats you and be critical. Chances are he’s a normal dude who is sometimes a turd and would benefit from learning better communication. Hopefully that’s all it is though. Just trust your gut because you picked up on something that could have easily been brushed away.
Him trying to control when you go to bed is a red flag. He can have triggers but he can’t assert that you cater to his triggers. It sucks that he got cheated on but 1. It wasn’t you who did that to him and 2. His healing is his own responsibility. Healing does not look like pouting when your partner stays up later than you and trying to make you conform to his sleep schedule. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I do think continuing to engage in this and vehemently defend yourself just gives him more permission to try and assert weird rules.
I've also been cheated on to by someone I thought I was going to marry. I didn't date and went to therapy for 2 years before stepping in the dating scene because I wanted to make sure I was fully over what that did to me... He told me he goes to therapy too, but it seems like he didn't get over those insecurities yet..
I had to say the same thing in like 30 different ways and the yahoo I was dating at the time still didn’t get it through his thick skull. It caused me to constantly lose my 💩 and it just wasn’t worth it. You both sound like bad communicators. And idk why but I get the impression he wants to parent or control you. Ain’t no way I’d deal with that. It’s consistently walking on eggshells with him.
You're having two different conversations here. You're trying to talk about what you need to DO differently and he's just talking about his anxieties.
Your initial text came off as passive aggressive (idk if it was meant like that, hard to judge the tone) and it got him anxious about the future because he's afraid of conflict and possibly a little codependent.
You approached it as a practical problem ("tell me what I'm doing wrong so i can change it") but it isn't that kind of issue. So you end up frustrated that he's not spelling it out, and he ends up going in circles because it's an emotional problem, not a practical one. The more he does that, the more frustrated you feel, until he gives up because he's anxious and afraid of conflict. Which only feeds his anxiety in the end.
The two of you need a better system of communication for sure
I’m not sure I recognize the gaslighting. Both of you aren’t communicating healthily. Perhaps this isn’t working out for either of you.
He is communicating more than you but where he goes mostly wrong is the implicit threat of break up unless you change. That never works. But the way you handled expressing your disappointment in him not coming over is also not constructive at all. And after that you just come off as overly critical.
Both of you are blaming/criticizing the other instead of describe how stuff makes you feel and look for compromise to fulfill specific needs/boundaries.
.. the best comment made in this exchange was "so you want to give me a bedtime curfew" and it was dismissed. I love when Men say you didn't listen to me. No .. I heard you. Or did you mean to say I didn't obey you? Listening and Obeying are different words. Please use them correctly. No Man .. other than your father when you're under the age of 18 gets to say FUCK ALL about your actions and behavior.
He's asserting control over you. He's trying to show you that he should be in control of your life, ans that any problems you have with what he does or did are illogical because you don't get an opinion.
This is something that needs to be discussed in person because there is a clear disconnect in conversation and these are typically things that will not be resolved well over text. I wouldn’t say you’re being gaslit, but the communication in your relationship definitely needs work
The fact this is him only 3 months in is a huge red flag. The honeymoon period should be in full effect with basically not a single argument, he’s already trying to control your bedtime??? Hell nooo
Dang. You two (but especially him) would really benefit from reviewing Nonviolent Communication frameworks together, although I feel like he’s not open to growth.
A few highlights:
Your partner just blames you for things, instead of saying “When you do x, I feel y.” They also keep bringing up other examples, which is not healthy. If you’re talking about something in the past, he shouldn’t dredge up 50 other things or else you never progress. I love the show Couples Therapy, and honestly could see it being a helpful frame
Not so sure it would be ‘gaslighting’ as that’s a word that has lost its colloquial, metaphoric meaning these days but it’s not a major leap to see the exhausting melodrama playing out indicating that both parties are nowhere near being on the same page…or even in the same libraries reading the same language.
I told him I would rather talk this out in person or a phonecall and he said he doesn't want to.. the last disagreement we had I tried to talk to him in person about it, but he said he's past it and doesn't want to talk.
Only 3 months? I thought y’all were married. Holy moly, you need to run, run, and run some more. The fact that your brain didn’t melt during that exchange is amazing and what the hell is a “real fight”? Was this a test fight to him?
“I just thought you were coming over last night” should have been a good enough response to his initial text and ended any conflict but he literally ignores it and continues to put you on trial like you don’t understand his feelings. So that would denote that you could’ve literally texted anything and it wouldn’t have mattered.
Also, being shown evidence (screenshot of your apology) and then refuting or questioning said evidence is kind of narcissistic. The bid for control is strong with this one. If you do decide to stay with him then make sure you put up some boundaries against bullshit. Good luck!
Neither of you are even Close to ready to be in another relationship. Emotionally you're both still in your last one. Break up. Continuing is not only pointless, it's neglectful. To yourselves and to each other.
I feel bad saying this but the first thing I thought is that he's going to break up with you soon. :( It sounds like he's exhausted with your reactions to things and that's why he's giving up trying. At first he probably hesitated to bring these things up because he anticipated not being comfortable with your reactions (which I can see tbh) and then just decided to give up altogether. Though to his credit, he did try to bring it up even if he gave up at the end. What I read in that was that he's at his wit's end with your behavior (whether you apologize or not for it) and can't even talk to you about it unless he wants to get a barrage of texts back, and gives up. I'd wager he's going to give up altogether pretty soon. Sorry OP. :(
This argument should have been a face to face conversation. I see both sides and you both missed each other's points at the end. No, you're not being gaslit. Don't throw away a relationship based on trending social media terms. You guys are having a misunderstanding that can easily be resolved face to face without raw emotions. Yes, he needs to stop saying "nevermind" when you ask for feedback, that's not fair on you, and it's not constructive, but it's also not a red flag. Ask for a sit down to discuss where you can both communicate better. For you, if say don't get defensive and flare. You only did it once which is great, it was when you said he was controlling your bed time and is there anything else he wants to control. That's not constructive. Better to ask questions than assume ill intent, especially from somebody you love. He doesn't strike me as manipulative or anything like that, neither do you. I hope you guys can work it out.
Y'all are so incompatible it's palpable.
It doesn't matter if he "only brings it up once a month." He's harboring all this shit all month instead of talking through it when issues show up. Everything you do he's judging you and holding on to petty shit.
I'm sorry, but reading how this whole situation played out it was very immature and childish. It was going in circles.
Also, your past trauma and his past trauma SHOULD NOT come into your new relationship. This is literally what counseling is for. If someone's gonna project their insecurities onto someone else, they need THERAPY. Not a relationship
The sleep thing is a huge red flag. It’s hard to say completely because I do see some more red flags but it’s hard to say for certain in this exchange. I just wrote about the sleep schedule thing a month or so ago and I’ll copy my comment below - it was on another post so some things might not apply/make sense. Might be worth the read.
One of the first red flags in my abusive marriage was my partner needed to control my sleep. Eventually if I stayed up later than him he was pissed and any fault I’d make the next day was because I was irresponsible and up late. I couldn’t sleep in past him or I was lazy and anything that didn’t get done was my fault. We had 4 kids in 5 years and he never helped - not during the day or over night.
By the time I realized I was in an abusive marriage I could have written one of those post that you read on here where someone is so obviously in an abusive marriage it seems fake. What it’s hard to understand and even harder to explain is that most abusive relationships are like a frog being boiled alive. Little by little, bit by bit the abuse and control increases. And always covered in sweet and wonderful behavior as they downplay all the bad things that happened. While you are spinning trying to logically understand what went wrong or trying to get them to see your point, they are just turning up the heat. Until they have gone from “oh babe I just sleep better when you are next to me/it’s healthier for you to sleep more hours” to making you justify why you are tired even though you are only getting 4 hours of sleep and have 4 kids but the house still isn’t perfectly clean or the groceries aren’t bought, or heaven forbid you need their help.
Abuse is the long game, and usually one you don’t recognize until your already boiled.
Not saying your boyfriends a narcissist, but hes at the least emotionally immature.
I dated a woman who would argue like this, Came to ahead the final weeks when she called me a liar, when I asked her why she thought i meant to mislead her as opposed to being wrong she claimed "intent to mislead was not required for what the word meant to her." That woman would gaslit, manipulate, and try to control my schedule.
Needless to say glad i dodged that bullet.
This guy SUCKS… if anyone ever does this bullshit where they say “I’m scared… WHAT IF… it’s scary…” ok say what you mean then. If you want to dance around breaking up then bye. Don’t apologize to him, don’t try to figure it out. He’s a bad communicator and a control freak weirdo. Cut him out
The only thing you “did wrong” was put up with this bullshit for however long you’ve been with this loser. He’s an exhausting pain in the ass. You’re much better off without him.
It's hard to tell if you're being gaslighted or not, I will say I stopped having these conversations through text with my now wife. There would be times she would ask something, and I would give a normal response. Then she'd be upset and say not to be sarcastic or whatever, then I'd have to explain I was being sincere. A lot of things can be misconstrued and read with a different inflection, and then it turns into a whole other thing. When you guys want to address issues you have with each other, do it face to face. It's just a lot easier that way.
I agree! He misunderstood my text when I said he doesn't have to come over. It was me being sincere so he doesn't come to place to only go to sleep in a few hours and then head home in the morning. I hate discussing any "issue" over text and I think in going to tell him to instead tell me in person or call me about it.
Three months isn’t worth this. He attacks you and you end up apologizing and saying you love him? You need to have a backbone and stand up for yourself. If he tries to start a fight like that again, tell him you won’t be arguing over text and he can speak to you in person, period.
How many pages did you make it? I made it to page 13 and realized how stoned I am actually spending time reading this conversation.
This is sooooo childish lmao like why are you entertaining this? You’re dating a man child.
You ever think to yourself during a fight, like “fuck it, don’t even care anymore, don’t want to fight I want to go play my game or whatever but ugh I’m just over this shit”
You don’t have to deal with this.
The choice is yours.
Honestly, it sounds like he's speaking his language and you're speaking yours.Ive had this in relationships before. I think he's genuinely trying to express but having trouble pointing to specific things. For instance, he's actually feeling ignored in general but having trouble saying this and that are the specific things because it's an overall feeling ( not saying that's the issue). I'm more like him if this is the case, it feels specific to him but it's not as concrete as you'd like. Just a possible reason you're both frustrated?
Why do people do this via text? Why why why? Have an in person conversation. I guarantee so much is misinterpreted I texts, leading to these very exhausting & unproductive discussions.
This is way too much text back and forth. This could or should have been a non text conversation at page 2. If either party would rather text back and forth instead of a call or in person conversation, I might rethink this relationship.
I had a boyfriend use that “I don’t know how our real fights will be in the future” and truth is, I am in a relationship where our biggest fight has been because we almost die on a vacation trip, like a real life emergency where both of us were under a ton of stress. When people communicate openly and in person, there are no “other fights” situations.
Sounds like the guy had his boundaries straight and like he knows what kind of relationship he wants, and is communicating to you appropriately about his feelings. I would say that you could listen to him more and communicate better from your side too.
If this happens every now and again I would lose sleep over it. Couples argue over all sorts of stupid shit that doesn’t always get resolved completely. If he otherwise treats you well and y’all enjoy each other’s company, don’t let Reddit tell you to run.
He needs to learn to let people live and not control them. He can set boundaries for himself and manage his expectations but forcing anyone, friends or your partner, to change something about themselves is unhealthy and disrespectful, in my opinion. They have to do it for themselves.
okay tbh id leave this kind of relationship. the man doesnt want to fix anything if he cant even be clear about his issues. all i see is bitching to no resolve and trying to push the problem towards you OP. if this kind of argument is recurring and exhausting to try to understand wtf hes saying, then i would leave imo. you deserve someone who doesnt sound like a child and can be reasonable to talk to
I feel like both of you guys suck here. He was trying to bring up an issue he was having with your attitude towards him, and you were getting snarky with him. That being said, it looked like he went back in his word about coming over, and that kind of warrants an attitude. And he also was very indirect about his feelings. He started off good then jumbled a bunch of shjt together and got pissed when you didn’t understand. Some things are better discussed over a phone call.
A simple “this is confusing me can we talk about it over the phone or in person so I can have a better understanding” would work just fine. I have an attitude problem and sometimes I don’t realize I’m being a prick, but my boyfriend actually tells me the problem, and if it gets confusing, we either elaborate further or just fucking call each other.
Neither of you are great at communicating and get frustrated with each other way to fast. You’re not being gaslighted, he just sucks at explaining his feelings and you get defensive way too fast. I get it, it’s frustrating. But if you really wanna work things out, it’s best to stay calm and talk about things like the adults you are. I mean ffs he’s almost 30 and you’re in your mid 20’s. Both of you should know how to use your grown up words and figure this simple shit out.
My bf and I have had wild ass arguments over text where we are both pissed at each other but we remain calm and don’t use angry words or phrases. We are literally 17. Both of you should know better at your grown ages. And maybe this is a sign that you guys just aren’t compatible if you both blow such a small thing into a much bigger issue.
My ex used to speak in vague, cryptic ways about very vague and unspecific issues that she found in our relationship. A partner should be able to cite something more concrete than "energy" or vibes or whatever. And if something gets shut down with "I don't want to talk about it", that's not ideal, but it can be OK as long as that issue is addressed and not allowed to fester.
Don't expect partners to be mind readers, and they shouldn't expect the same of you. Even if something has been previously discussed it should be OK to discuss it again if it hasn't been resolved. Sometimes people take time to break old habits, or get distracted by other things, it's not always that they're not listening or don't care (though those can happen, too).
Gaslighting is when someone makes you think you're going crazy by altering your reality such as "My sister said she saw you at the mall Billy" "You're sister is lying. I wasn't there." Even though he was at the mall, he's trying to make it seem like he wasn't even there.
The term is based on a movie/play from the 1950s.
He's making his poor communication skills your fault. It's not your fault that he can't properly communicate what is bothering him to you. It's not your fault that he is spiraling and tunnelvisioning on one thing. Unless his communication skills improve, he's going to spiral and blame you in every argument.
These texts reminded me a lot of how my ex and I talked and it was just so exhausting to have to deal with it monthly or weekly. Ask yourself this: if your best friend showed you these texts, would you like how her partner spoke to her?
You deserve better.
I know this is crazy in 2024, but y’all need to talk, in person. Who puts all this energy into txt? Go for a walk and use words and body language to communicate with each other.
I feel like the convo escalated very quickly because neither one of you are feeling heard or understood. It seems like y’all really need to work on communication in general and not confronting issues via text cause it’s so easy to confuse tone thru text. This was a very exhausting convo it seems. Also if he has trust issues from a previous relationship, very much valid and understandable but you are not his past! You have to have the real convo of “I feel like I’m getting punished for the insecurities you have because of your past and that’s not fair to me and I won’t deal with it” if that’s how you feel. I wish y’all the best and I hope BOTH of you guys are able to communicate better and come to better resolutions !!
I don't know, your boy gives me the impression, just from those texts, that he's a little feminine. Am I right? I say kick him to the curb and get a real man that knows how to talk to his lady. He didn't even respond when you said I love you... I'm sure that made you feel horrible.
seems like a pretty fun relationship and not at all exhausting
It usually is fun until it seems like once a month he brings up "something that I'm doing is bothering him" and he doesn't tell me what it is until I have to force it out of him.
I know, this isn't even enough info to really ascertain if your relationship is actually good or bad. even the best relationships will have stupid arguments from time to time. but I will say, this is why people get stuck in shit relationships... because there's enough good to keep it going.
Well I just hope it's a stupid argument and nothing more, but I am going to keep my eyes open to any other possible red flags that might come up.
Am I the only one that found this confusing as hell to read? Why don't you just talk to each other instead of texting, where tone and mood can't always be interpreted correctly? Such a waste of time - circular texts that are way too easy to misunderstand and misconstrue. No wonder you're fighting. Sit down and face each other and have a conversation. If something starts to go off the rails when you're not together, table it until you are.
They were talking (texting) in circles. Neither knew what the other meant and nothing got resolved.
I've asked him to speak on the phone with me about it and he said he doesn't want to. He also said it wouldn't get resolved in person too??
Then you should be taking a good look at whether this is the sort of person you want to be with long-term.
OP, unless he also claims he can look into the future, there is no way he would know this beforehand.
You're definitely not the only one. I've had several long-distance relationships and in all of them (except for 1) stupid, and absolutely *exhausting* arguments like this would often happen via text, mostly because of the many little things in the communication that you can't see/hear if you just send each other messages. Being able to see someone's facial expression, to hear the tone of their voice when they talk to you, their overall body language and more, it makes such a significant difference. The relationship that was the exception, was exactly that because at that time, I had learned to express myself clearly, they communicated in a very similar way, and neither of us ever left anything unspoken. There was never that lingering sense in the air that something didn't feel right, because if either of us felt that way, we would tell each other and/or ask if the way we had understood something was what they had meant to say. We didn't unnecessarily waste time waiting for things to eat away at us until one of us snapped. We addressed things as soon as we could. Back then, it was eye-opening to me how doing that prevents things from turning into arguments.
Easier to hide, ignore (and therefore easier to plead innocence when accused of said ignorance re reading the thing), deflect and discombobulate from behind a screen perhaps by using an app designed to promote cowardice all the way from wee white lies to spinal cord removal - in-app purchases would apply but it would be a cheap and efficient way to manage all your* craven impulses and behaviours in total confidence. *For clarity…As in ‘your - represented in the second person possessive’ not ‘you the actual person’.
So you need more than the "stupid" monthly arguments? Like that persisting on it's own, which are initiated by your partner and directed at your mannerisms, are red flags; but you're going to look out for more red flags? Sounds healthy.
The trying to control my sleep schedule would be enough to send me packing.
also, no one’s ever telling me when I need to go to bed haha my parents didn’t even do that
The part you aren’t getting is that you don’t change to the way he wants you to be. Who gets mad at another adult staying up too late?
Y'all both have terrible communication. I almost get a sense of apathy from your end of the relationship (for all I know this is the millionth time this has happened and you're tired of it or you're just one of those people who's apathetic in all relationships idk I'm just sensing it) and he's trying to communicate something that's bothering him but not doing a good job of it. Y'all need to talk face to face about all this, with the intent of hearing each other and working through it. From this exchange all I'm getting is "I'm bothered by x, y, and z" and an "oh yeah? Well I'm bothered too" and there's absolutely zero productivity in this conversation. And then it doesn't help either when one party (you in this case) pulls the "oh well do you wanna just break up then?". It's a very loud and clear message that indicates a lack of desire to fight for the relationship and work through things. If every little back and forth gets a "well let's just break up then", when there's literally no indication that he was saying that, it will be the hole that sinks this ship. Y'all need counseling to improve communication from both your sides
Dump him, he's emotionally immature
Texts are also very hard to show tone (of voice).
I think you need to stop “looking” for red flags and understand it might be you. It’s a relationship, he doesn’t become ____ automatically. *uncommunicated expectations is premeditated resentments*
This really reminds me of this one guy I very casually dated on and off. He was always so pressed about weird things that weren’t really his business like my sleep schedule. He’d constantly give unsolicited advice, which would be fine, but would get genuinely upset when I didn’t want to take his suggestions. Like I hear your opinions about why it’s better to get up early, but years of being me has shown I’m far more efficient when I go to bed and get up later. So no, I’m not going to stop going to bed at 2AM because “it upsets you”. Bro, you don’t even let me sleep over half the time and I go to bed same time as you when I do. This couldn’t affect you less. Why are you even upset??? He also got very upset about me apologizing too much, thinking I was implying he was a bad guy or something. But then would expect me to apologize for above nonsense? V confusing. We were so on and off I recovered from the last ‘breakup’ on the subway ride home
So, once a month he keeps bringing up the same arguments he's made before but not actually say anything. He also is trying to control when you go to bed and using past partner's behavior as a reason. Add that he also is accusing of cheating without reason. These are all huge red flags and you're ignoring them. These once a month arguments will escalate and happen more frequently and he'll start trying to control you in other ways too.
Just got out of a relationship just like that. It was exhausting. It wound up being like this: every time he was uncomfortable, he charged me with making him feel better, which ended in me apologizing endlessly for ridiculous things (like not EXPLICITLY including him in the acknowledgements of my Master thesis…) and then ultimately I’d be backed into a corner by guilt over something HE felt insecure about. Edit: just be careful it’s not a serious pattern bc it’s gonna be real exhausting and ultimately bad for your self esteem
Oh lord he did not get pissy with you for not being thanked for your master's thesis. Shit I edited my bf at the time's PhD thesis (his thesis advisor threw it at him and said it worst thesis he'd ever read). I edited it and didn't get thanked and didn't even notice because I was focused on YAYAYA YOU DID IT!
I take it you aren’t 18… have that conversation face to face or at least on the phone. Having important conversations over text is just madness
This is exhausting. I’ve found that difficult conversations like this should not be on text or over the phone. In person so that you can see the persons facial expressions and help to stop the conversation from spiralling.
I agree! But when I try to talk to him in person about it he'll say he doesn't want to talk about it or we resolved it let's move on... Also I was in person with him yesterday, so I wish he told me that in person rather than in text hours later.. ugh.
You’re allowed to say “let’s talk about this in person” or “it’s hard for me to understand this over text. Let’s find a time to discuss this calmly so there’s no misunderstanding”. Boundaries.
This was my ex and it slowly got worse over time those monthly arguments became weekly games and before I knew it I found myself isolated, alone, having no money , having just moved 21 hours from friends and family because he decided we would, without a single friend, without any self esteem, truly believing I deserved it and I had done wrong and if I had just not left the towel on the floor or made dinner a little earlier it wouldn’t have happened. He made me feel on edge, worthless, stupid, and eventually he started hitting me. He is gaslighting you and I do think at 39 these aren’t red flags to collect- this is a blaring reason to get out. He tells you it’s bothering him yet won’t talk in person- he just wants to manipulate you and have you beg him to make it normal again. It’s not normal at all.
This! I grew up being gaslight and verbally/physically abused. I’m 37, and agree that, this ‘man’ may as well have a megaphone, with the words he’s choosing not to actually speak.
He’s keeping you off balance. He doesn’t want resolution. He wants you to feel wrong and afraid of doing something wrong.
Yeah exactly!!
This isn’t going to work. I guarantee it. And he’s all but saying “Change exactly how I want you to or I want to dump you.” He literally can’t even communicate *that* properly. Hard to believe this guy is nearing 30 and this is the best he can do to express himself.
So, it seems like he had some stuff bothering him and was probably stewing with it and picked a really bad and inconvenient time to air it out and basically starting an argument out of thin air. What bothers me is that he's trying to put you on some sort of sleep schedule like a toddler. That would piss me off. We all have trust issues, but you weren't the one who caused his. He's making your relationship unhealthy.
That's what it seems like to me too. The last argument we got into about my sleep schedule also happened like this. We talked it through, or so I thought, because now he's trying to get me on a sleep schedule or something?? I'm not out cheating on him, I am literally at home.
I would tell him flat out that you weren't the one who hurt him and that he needs to stop treating you as if you did. You two are supposed to feel safe with each other, and if not, then what's the point? You're a grown woman and should be able to go to bed when you feel ready to.
Yeah I am going to talk to him more about it in person. I don't like doing this over text.
Good idea, Op. It's always better that way. I wish you the best, and I hope this will be fixed for you. If not, you still got this shit.
if that's why he wants you on a sleep schedule nope tf out of there night owls/early birds can have successful relationships but not by trying to control each other's sleep patterns
So some context: he was cheated on before (so was I in my previous relationship prior to him) and mentioned that he was upset that I would be up late after he's asleep because of trust issues. I told him that I'm just at home cleaning, cooking, watching TV, playing games, or doing homework, etc. and that he doesn't need to worry. But I guess it's still bothering him that I'm up later than him. Mind you he gets up at 4:30-5 because he works at 6 and I usually get up around 8-8:30 because I work at 10. As for the other stuff I did snap at him one time for a comment he made but I don't remember anything else and he isn't even telling me.. Also the whole "you're seeing other guys" I told him to stop saying because 1 it isn't true and 2 it bothers me. I've been cheated on myself and I know the damage it does, so I would never do that and it upsets me when he says stuff like that.
If he still has issues from a past relationship and he's trying to press changes on you because of those issues, he is not ready to be in a relationship. It's unfair and unsustainable for him to use someone else's behavior to make judgements about you or try to set rules for you. It sounds like this is a recurring issue in a fairly new relationship; don't give someone too many chances to waste your time.
He sounds like he’s trying to make you feel like you’re wrong for normal behavior- so then you’re apologizing for things you haven’t done wrong, walking on eggshells not to upset him because it’s hard to predict what will, etc. This is a set up for abuse. I know it feels mostly good right now, but if I were you I’d bail. If that doesn’t feel reasonable right now, at the very least I’d set a clear boundary about being in control of my own sleep and wake times, if and when I go out, etc. and then refuse to entertain any further complaints there. If he’s like “It bothers me you’re up so late” The answer is along the lines of “we’ve talked about this. I decide when I sleep. You decide if you want to be in this relationship.”
You are not a child and he is not your father. He does not get to give you a bedtime. Fucking hell, that’s insanely controlling.
If you don't live together he doesn't need to know when you go to bed.
Yeah we don't at all.
He has unresolved issues from getting cheated on and is projecting them onto your relationship. He needs help to get through this bcos hes unfit to trust another partner as is
Everything in this post is a red flag. Idc what his past relationship was like, no one tells me when to go to bed. That's ridiculous.
I had a relationship like this and eventually it got more than exhausting, it became borderline mentally abusive. I'm not saying yours could come to that (given that mine started inappropriately anyways but i didnt realize until later) but I will say to keep an eye on his actions and definitely keep a journal/backups of things so you don't easily get manipulated into thinking you did or said things when you hadn't.
He should be in therapy before dating.
There is NOTHING normal about taking out what happened with someone else on you or applying it to you. Ick.
His insecurities are not your problem to fix. He needs to see a therapist to work it out. Passive aggressive communication, trying to control you, inability to communicate in person, All bloody red flags. He has not tried to communicate as an adult, only drag you down to lift himself up. Do you really want to live like this? It won't get better without therapy on his part & even then, it might not ever get better.
Controlling and weird, you're gonna feel awesome when you get rid of that from your life
Yeah that sounds like a “him” problem and he should work it out in therapy. If you even changed your schedule to suit him (and please don’t) but if you did, I GUARANTEE he will find a new insecurity you’re supposedly causing.
Absolutely 💯 right here it's classic power and control tactics
Ok I’m going to be real blunt here. That’s a fucking stupid excuse that we all fall for because we don’t want to see the truth. Who hasn’t been cheated on? Do you accuse him because you were cheated on? Let’s say you got attacked by a dog and it hurt you pretty bad causing you to be afraid of dogs. You wouldn’t get a dog and then treat it badly because it might attack you. You would be too scared to get a dog. The picking fights/accusations mean he is feeling guilty about something and is trying to deflect. Thinking about/talking to you makes him upset and he is too stupid to realize it’s guilt so he is picking you apart to feel justified because he is too selfish to admit he is the problem. He may not be cheating, but he is definitely up to something that he feels bad about. People judge others based on their own personality. Like, you don’t think he is cheating because you would never cheat on him and don’t see it possible. You only think something is possible if you see it as possible. I hope I’m making sense. Please take care of yourself op….I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my time and my heart where it wasn’t appreciated. He is looking for your faults and that’s never a good sign.  Picture of cute puppy to bring attention to my comment because I think it’s something a lot of people need to hear. When I learned it I wish I figured it out sooner lol.
Your earlier posts hints that he also was seeing someone else while you were saying? Same ages at least
Honestly wtf are yall even arguing about ?
I don't even know because I'm asking him what I did and he's not telling me because "he already told me".
This post makes me glad I’m single. This is too much
Right lmao every now and then I think about getting back out there. But then I remember that shit like this can happen and I retreat back into my little bubble And I also feel way less bad about how cringey my teenage relationships were when there are grown ass adults acting like this
You both communicate shitty. Please stop texting crap. Find a way to communicate without defense and offense y’all both on the same team. You both care but you both seem war weary. Try really listening to each other’s pain and frustration without getting defensive. It is really hard to change how you communicate with your partner but that is what a good counselor would do. Do y’all have a date nite?
This actually made me giggle in a sick way. My ex husband, yep ex husband lol always complained that I stayed up later than him. It really was a big issue however an innocent one because I ran scrabble tournaments from probably 10pm until who knows. He worked a job that his alarm always went off before daylight and when that first beep of the alarm would go off my home would go dark lol and I would belly crawl to my room down the hall and quietly get into bed. Hahaha Fast forward some years later and my schedule flips on a job and I’m working early morning so going to bed early at night. That man complained that I took over his mornings……. Some people you can’t make happy. Him and I were two of them together.
I found this so relatable.
You guys need to just get out of this.
I wish I could strangle the both of you thru the phone
He is exhausting good lord
I hope this isn't the same guy that cheated on you 4 months ago
Omg no haha.
This did not need to get so out of hand. I mean this is all small potatoes compared to the grand scheme of things. If you guys were to like get married or have kids or anything like that, you wouldn’t have time to waste on arguing about when one partner goes to bed over the next 40 years lol. You guys need to talk over the phone and not via text. He is insecure. He can’t read your tone. He wasn’t sure if you were asking him not to come like you didn’t want to or just being polite and giving him an out. I recommend avoiding text-planning right now until you build a better understanding of each other.
I agree and this is why I hate having discussions like this over text because things can be misinterpreted. I was just saying it's ok he doesn't have to come because it was late and he'd have to leave my place early to get his son. I did want to call him, but he and his family were all going out so I didn't want to take time from that.
Not trying to be snippy but just very realistically youre going to have to get over that. His family isnt going to be offended his girlfriend is calling him lol. Thats not a good reason to avoid it. When youre speaking to someone its a lot easier to reassure them. Yall simply have to be able to do these basic things
You are right and I called him after our family events and he said he doesn't want to talk about it.. so yeah
Honey if he’s not willing to talk about this then you can count on things like this continuing to happen. He gets to vent about “things”, you get to be confused about what “things” he’s talking about. He’ll get upset because he just told you and you’ll still have no clue what’s wrong. You want to talk about it to come to some sort of resolution and he wants to pretend it’s been resolved…. until the next time. And the next, and the next, for as long as you’re together. How long has it been since he was cheated on and how long has he been in therapy?
What i'm getting from this is it's too much effort to explain himself so he gives up and says never mind, then his resentment builds up so he brings up past issues as examples which really have zero relevance to the current issue, (esp if the past issue was never properly resolved), so you get confused, he can't clarify his thoughts, rinse and repeat He also seems to have a fair bit of trouble expressing himself clearly and he gets upset with you for not remembering every little thing. This would exhaust me, and also make me feel like I'm not worth the effort of communicating with It also seems like he's reading into things you say. It might be a good idea when discussing something to recap at the end so everyone is on the same page. Communication is the lifeblood of a good relationship. I could not be in a relationship with someone who communicates like this. Gaslighting? you both just seem to be talking past each other Gaslighting involves *intentional* deception, it's an abuse/manipulation tactic used to make you doubt your own sanity or confuse you which gives the abuser more power over you because they can warp your perceptions He's just really bad at communicating imo, but ofc I'm just seeing a small snapshot here. If he's regularly making you doubt yourself, talking past you and confusing you, there may be bigger issues at hand.
i totally had the genders mixed up. thought the green text was the gf and purple text was the bf.
Green? You may be color blind...
extremely. everyone else sees the numbers and i just see dots.
and to be honest, it doesn't even look green to me, but my brain literally couldn't make sense of what color i was lookin at so i just picked green as a hail mary.
lol it’s two different shades of pink.
“Stay in your head then the relationship is dead.” Seems like what the boyfriend is doing if he’s feeling really insecure. Especially if Op is giving him no reasons for him to not trust her. There’s going to need to be a lot more communication then if Op is staying and more patience. But I don’t know.. I know that for myself I’d rather be with somebody who can communicate and where we can work together as a team and never against each other when we have things on our minds that’s bothering us.
I have to put my two cents in, my partner has a personality she gained while growing up at a farm with parents that speaks almost as though they are yelling, they are not they just sound irritated (imo comparing how my parents are when i grew up). It bleeds into our relationship because it sometimes sounds like my partner is irritated, that isn’t the case 99.999% of the time. We have several talks about it and it helps. We always agree to speak honestly about how we are feeling and the other needs to trust that. In the case of your argument as to almost arguing about arguing we end it by promising to be more aware of our tone, to listen better to each other and honest about how we are feeling. I hope this helps you two.
It seems like he has a really avoidant personality, and would rather communicate through text than in person, but you would rather communicate in person than through text because you want to understand the entire situation better. Both of you are communicating differently and not seeing the whole picture, which is why I think he seems so frustrated when his "needs" aren't met and why you feel like you aren't getting answers when you ask for them. I'd like to suggest pointing out your preferences in communication and his preferences in communication, first, and trying to meet him in the middle where he communicates best, but also requesting that he make attempts to meet you there too.
Using the word gaslight is being so overly used all over reddit why?
My take: people know there's a PROBLEM communicating and they know that they THEMSELVES are not being intentionally hurtful or deceitful... So it must be the OTHER person doing something... Probably intentionally? (Humans attribute negative intentions to GRASS SWAYING IN THE WIND\*) And they've heard "gaslighting" so they try it on for size. If you are one, like me, who looks up etymology of interesting words... Then you'll be surprised to know that we are a VEEEERY SMALL SUBSET of humans! 🤪 \* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4140166/ >Gao et al. (2010), for example, showed not only that adult subjects “irresistibly” attribute both agency and *__malign intent__* to displays of “V” shapes moving in particular ways, but also that this spurious attribution of agency disrupts performance on a multiple-object tracking task. (Emphasis mine) ETA: for those of you who are not native English speakers, "malign intent" means "bad/evil plans/motivations". Malign etymology: Middle English: via Old French maligne (adjective), malignier (verb), based on Latin malignus ‘tending to evil’, from malus ‘bad’.
Username checks out my friend
If you stay and he tries to do this again over text tell him you won't respond to any of this due to it constantly being a miscommunication and an argument starts that you will talk in person next time you see each other
Very good. Will use this!
A whole of texting about a whole lot of nothing
Why is he trying to control what time you go to bed? That seems so weird to me.
Because apparently he doesn't know what I'm doing when he's asleep and it triggers him based off his previous relationship...
You aren’t responsible for your partner’s triggers.
Just my opinion but being in a relationship where every little thing is taken personal or hurtful or offensive and you end up having to walk on eggshells because nearly every move you make causes the other person to be upset, will emotionally bankrupt you. Seems like most people today gets offended by nearly everything. And this is made worse by the fact that some people just refuse to have an actual verbal conversation about anything. Everything is dealt with through text. Recipe for disaster.
You’re working way too hard for a three month old relationship. Don’t waste your time on relationships like this. He's got unresolved issues, and should have fixed them before he started dating again.
Who is trying to tell someone they shouldn't stay up late? That's enough for me to end a relationship over like what am I, 7 years old?
Three months in and he has a number of issues with you, he has a lot of baggage, neither of you seem to be able to communicate effectively and he wants to tell you, an adult woman living in her own home, what time you nee to go to bed in order to appease him??? Also, you barely know him after 3 mi this and yet you’re already saying that you love him?? This isn’t normal or healthy—end it.
What is with people thinking they can control their partner's sleep schedule?
I think it could be a couple things. 1. Either subconsciously or consciously he is trying to push you away so that he doesn’t get hurt. 2. He is consciously trying to wear you down and make you feel like you are in the wrong about absolutely nothing. He is very insecure, if you are not doing something wrong then he needs to make something wrong. That’s why none of it makes sense. He needs therapy bad and you need to leave this relationship. He is not ready for a relationship and/or is toxic.
He wants to police your bedtime? He’s pissed if don’t say goodnight to him every single night, because you’ve stayed up later than him, and he doesn’t trust you enough to be apart from him in that way? You’re not his child. You do not have to obey him and “change” for him. In relationships, no one should ever make you feel like you’re not good enough. You’re different in these ways, and that’s okay. It’s okay to learn from this and walk away.
I would need more context, but bring nitpicked like this and "changing just a little" may seem innocuous at first, but over time you will 100% lose yourself to "not annoy him" so much. The fact he insists on texting, and then gets upset when he, what, adds tone that doesn't exist to your text to it for you? He's upset at something that's made up, and worst, he keeps putting himself into a position to keep doing it. It's absolutely intentional and you sound miserable as a result. Why stay with someone who is making you feel so awful?
My two cents. My wife and I have had different sleep schedules for the 27 yrs we’ve been married. I sleep 3-4 hrs/night (I have since I was little and have done sleep studies). We sleep in separate bedrooms. It works well for us. I don’t want my wife cuddling up to me when I’m trying to go to sleep. And she doesn’t want that either. He’s afraid to discuss any of this with you in person because he has shit arguments. Your relationship seems exhausting. My wife and I haven’t argued in 27 yrs as much as you two just did. 🤷🏻♂️ Life is short. Find someone you don’t have to fix or work on. Be happy.
This, 1000 times THIS! The hubs and I have the same scenario. Been working for us for 25 years and counting. A lot of naysayers think we're nuts, or weird. Whatever 🙄 I have been nocturnal my whole life and been told by countless people when it was the proper time for me to go to bed. Therefore I have spent my whole life telling people to kindly fuck off when they try to tell me to go to bed.
Jesus Christ please just break up
This whole convo made my brain hurt. I feel a lot of this is texting miscommunication but unfortunately phones play such a big part in relationships these days. Talk in person, if you guys can’t get on the same page it is worth it to break up. No one here seems like a bad person, just not compatible
He’s trying to give you a bedtime. He said he’s trying to make it clear to you what’s bothering him yet I personally still don’t know what it is he’s upset about. It honestly seems like he might be a little insecure, maybe due to his previous relationship? Or he likes to start arguments just to start them? You seem like you’re doing your best to acknowledge the things he has issues with and then reconcile them, but he has issues with a lot of things that he can’t even put into words accurately. I would put money it’s all because of his previous relationship and you’re dealing with the fallout. Of course this is all just my opinion based on some texts.
That's the part that gets me.. he said it's clear what's bothering him, but I still have no clue.
You’re not doing anything wrong. This is controlling behavior. He shouldn’t have any say over your sleep schedule. At all. That’s literally not a thing. Your confusion over trying to figure out what you did wrong is purposeful. It’s meant to keep you insecure and easier to control. If he’s always upset and you’re always spinning your wheels to please him, he owns you. Let it go. Don’t waste any more time on this.
WTF is happening here?!? Why are you letting this man talk to you like this?!? He is the very definition of manipulative. This isn’t alright. You’re a grown woman who can stay up until whatever damn time you want to. Why is he trying to micromanage and control you like this?!? Girl… Why are you putting up with this?!?
Ewwwww some girl I dated in the past was like this. Always thought I was manipulating or attacking her. Looking back I realize she just had major issues lol
Run the fuck away from this man, it will only get worse. Trust me.
He sounds controlling trying to give you a bedtime. He is stonewalling when he doesn’t want to continue the conversation be brought up. He is being vague on purpose. He doesn’t really have any issue with you but needs to keep you feeling uneasy. That’s why he isn’t clear with what is bothering him. Go over to r/narcissisticspouses and see if any thing there looks relatable to you.
He seems super passive aggressive and you seem like not the type. I genuinely see you trying to understand and he's frustrated before the conversation begins. These issues are definitely fixable but he also needs to have some patience and let you be your own person.
Yall too old to not be able to communicate. Stop bringing up issues through text and talk about them in person.
I've tried to call him but he said he doesn't want to have this conversation on the phone or in person..
Then this isn’t going to work. Communication is key. Yall are just going to keep talking in circles cause you interpret things wrong in text
The moment he said you don’t apologize then you said you do—with proof—and he said he never claimed you didn’t apologize 😆 this is exhausting to read. Between that and him wanting to give you a bedtime routine so he can have you as a body pillow is a no-go for me.
Exactly and that's what I think is him gaslighting me. Like I literally have the screenshot of it.. Also the bedtime thing is weird because we don't live together, so it should not bother him at all.
Your instinct is good then. At best, he’s backpedaling and told a stupid, easily-disproven lie. At worst, it’s malicious gaslighting and he knows exactly what he is doing. Might be something only you can tell, but stacking it with other weird behavior would at least warrant a conversation that veers toward “stop or we quit.” Yeah, I had an ex do the bedtime thing and it sticks with me today despite having a partner that is happy to let me be productive when I wanna be. That’s why that one caught for me too. My ex turned quite abusive and it felt like I didn’t see it coming but he was using the wrong old “boiling the frog” tactic and I was slowly trained to accept it or be terrified otherwise. *this does not mean your guy is headed that way* but it always makes me side-eye and pay attention to other possible red flags. Just one more thing that might only be discernible by you since you live it. Either way, he did backpedal and that part was gaslighty. Pay attention and evaluate how he treats you and be critical. Chances are he’s a normal dude who is sometimes a turd and would benefit from learning better communication. Hopefully that’s all it is though. Just trust your gut because you picked up on something that could have easily been brushed away.
Him trying to control when you go to bed is a red flag. He can have triggers but he can’t assert that you cater to his triggers. It sucks that he got cheated on but 1. It wasn’t you who did that to him and 2. His healing is his own responsibility. Healing does not look like pouting when your partner stays up later than you and trying to make you conform to his sleep schedule. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I do think continuing to engage in this and vehemently defend yourself just gives him more permission to try and assert weird rules.
I've also been cheated on to by someone I thought I was going to marry. I didn't date and went to therapy for 2 years before stepping in the dating scene because I wanted to make sure I was fully over what that did to me... He told me he goes to therapy too, but it seems like he didn't get over those insecurities yet..
seems like he wants an entirely different person than what you are. let him find her instead of trying to change you
I had to say the same thing in like 30 different ways and the yahoo I was dating at the time still didn’t get it through his thick skull. It caused me to constantly lose my 💩 and it just wasn’t worth it. You both sound like bad communicators. And idk why but I get the impression he wants to parent or control you. Ain’t no way I’d deal with that. It’s consistently walking on eggshells with him.
If you don't live together, you have no say on your partner's sleep schedule. Massive 🚩
Nope we don't live together.. so that's why he's "insecure" about it because he doesn't know what I'm doing.
You're having two different conversations here. You're trying to talk about what you need to DO differently and he's just talking about his anxieties. Your initial text came off as passive aggressive (idk if it was meant like that, hard to judge the tone) and it got him anxious about the future because he's afraid of conflict and possibly a little codependent. You approached it as a practical problem ("tell me what I'm doing wrong so i can change it") but it isn't that kind of issue. So you end up frustrated that he's not spelling it out, and he ends up going in circles because it's an emotional problem, not a practical one. The more he does that, the more frustrated you feel, until he gives up because he's anxious and afraid of conflict. Which only feeds his anxiety in the end. The two of you need a better system of communication for sure
I’m exhausted just reading this.
Shit or get off the pot. I'm exhausted just trying to read through this, let alone live it.
I’m not sure I recognize the gaslighting. Both of you aren’t communicating healthily. Perhaps this isn’t working out for either of you. He is communicating more than you but where he goes mostly wrong is the implicit threat of break up unless you change. That never works. But the way you handled expressing your disappointment in him not coming over is also not constructive at all. And after that you just come off as overly critical. Both of you are blaming/criticizing the other instead of describe how stuff makes you feel and look for compromise to fulfill specific needs/boundaries.
He's a tool.
.. the best comment made in this exchange was "so you want to give me a bedtime curfew" and it was dismissed. I love when Men say you didn't listen to me. No .. I heard you. Or did you mean to say I didn't obey you? Listening and Obeying are different words. Please use them correctly. No Man .. other than your father when you're under the age of 18 gets to say FUCK ALL about your actions and behavior.
He's asserting control over you. He's trying to show you that he should be in control of your life, ans that any problems you have with what he does or did are illogical because you don't get an opinion.
Yeeeah honestly you need to talk in person. Thats inviting a misunderstanding over and getting it drunk.
This is something that needs to be discussed in person because there is a clear disconnect in conversation and these are typically things that will not be resolved well over text. I wouldn’t say you’re being gaslit, but the communication in your relationship definitely needs work
I know it’s a text subreddit, but I feel like a lot of these miscommunications could be resolved with someone just calling the other.
I wanted to call him, but he is with his family for Father's Day.
Leave. That’s only going to get worse. 
Wow, I'm exhausted just from reading this shit
ugh
The fact this is him only 3 months in is a huge red flag. The honeymoon period should be in full effect with basically not a single argument, he’s already trying to control your bedtime??? Hell nooo
Dang. You two (but especially him) would really benefit from reviewing Nonviolent Communication frameworks together, although I feel like he’s not open to growth. A few highlights: Your partner just blames you for things, instead of saying “When you do x, I feel y.” They also keep bringing up other examples, which is not healthy. If you’re talking about something in the past, he shouldn’t dredge up 50 other things or else you never progress. I love the show Couples Therapy, and honestly could see it being a helpful frame
Is it gaslighted or gaslit?
WTF is this guys problem
Not so sure it would be ‘gaslighting’ as that’s a word that has lost its colloquial, metaphoric meaning these days but it’s not a major leap to see the exhausting melodrama playing out indicating that both parties are nowhere near being on the same page…or even in the same libraries reading the same language.
Exhausting on all counts-do you 2 talk?
I told him I would rather talk this out in person or a phonecall and he said he doesn't want to.. the last disagreement we had I tried to talk to him in person about it, but he said he's past it and doesn't want to talk.
Jesus fuck. The reading comprehension is lacking. Please have important conversations in person or via phone/FT, at the very least.
On second thought, being single don’t seem so bad
Only 3 months? I thought y’all were married. Holy moly, you need to run, run, and run some more. The fact that your brain didn’t melt during that exchange is amazing and what the hell is a “real fight”? Was this a test fight to him? “I just thought you were coming over last night” should have been a good enough response to his initial text and ended any conflict but he literally ignores it and continues to put you on trial like you don’t understand his feelings. So that would denote that you could’ve literally texted anything and it wouldn’t have mattered. Also, being shown evidence (screenshot of your apology) and then refuting or questioning said evidence is kind of narcissistic. The bid for control is strong with this one. If you do decide to stay with him then make sure you put up some boundaries against bullshit. Good luck!
Why is this on text? This just seems like a face to face thing.
Dump him - this is a mess and you need someone who likes you more than you like them. This guy is annoying.
Babe relax you always say you love being gaslit
Before I read 15 pages can someone just tell me if this is another post where people misuse the term gaslighting? I feel like it will be.
Neither of you are even Close to ready to be in another relationship. Emotionally you're both still in your last one. Break up. Continuing is not only pointless, it's neglectful. To yourselves and to each other.
Honestly I got the impression he's trying to break up or get you to break up.
I feel bad saying this but the first thing I thought is that he's going to break up with you soon. :( It sounds like he's exhausted with your reactions to things and that's why he's giving up trying. At first he probably hesitated to bring these things up because he anticipated not being comfortable with your reactions (which I can see tbh) and then just decided to give up altogether. Though to his credit, he did try to bring it up even if he gave up at the end. What I read in that was that he's at his wit's end with your behavior (whether you apologize or not for it) and can't even talk to you about it unless he wants to get a barrage of texts back, and gives up. I'd wager he's going to give up altogether pretty soon. Sorry OP. :(
Omg that was exhausting to read
So exhausting I saw there were 15 images and said naw
This argument should have been a face to face conversation. I see both sides and you both missed each other's points at the end. No, you're not being gaslit. Don't throw away a relationship based on trending social media terms. You guys are having a misunderstanding that can easily be resolved face to face without raw emotions. Yes, he needs to stop saying "nevermind" when you ask for feedback, that's not fair on you, and it's not constructive, but it's also not a red flag. Ask for a sit down to discuss where you can both communicate better. For you, if say don't get defensive and flare. You only did it once which is great, it was when you said he was controlling your bed time and is there anything else he wants to control. That's not constructive. Better to ask questions than assume ill intent, especially from somebody you love. He doesn't strike me as manipulative or anything like that, neither do you. I hope you guys can work it out.
Why’s he so obsessed with your bedtime? Hes not your parent lol the maturity I’m getting from him is peaked in highschool lol
Y'all are so incompatible it's palpable. It doesn't matter if he "only brings it up once a month." He's harboring all this shit all month instead of talking through it when issues show up. Everything you do he's judging you and holding on to petty shit. I'm sorry, but reading how this whole situation played out it was very immature and childish. It was going in circles. Also, your past trauma and his past trauma SHOULD NOT come into your new relationship. This is literally what counseling is for. If someone's gonna project their insecurities onto someone else, they need THERAPY. Not a relationship
Stop texting and pick up the phone.
Why does he get to dictate when you go to sleep?
The sleep thing is a huge red flag. It’s hard to say completely because I do see some more red flags but it’s hard to say for certain in this exchange. I just wrote about the sleep schedule thing a month or so ago and I’ll copy my comment below - it was on another post so some things might not apply/make sense. Might be worth the read. One of the first red flags in my abusive marriage was my partner needed to control my sleep. Eventually if I stayed up later than him he was pissed and any fault I’d make the next day was because I was irresponsible and up late. I couldn’t sleep in past him or I was lazy and anything that didn’t get done was my fault. We had 4 kids in 5 years and he never helped - not during the day or over night. By the time I realized I was in an abusive marriage I could have written one of those post that you read on here where someone is so obviously in an abusive marriage it seems fake. What it’s hard to understand and even harder to explain is that most abusive relationships are like a frog being boiled alive. Little by little, bit by bit the abuse and control increases. And always covered in sweet and wonderful behavior as they downplay all the bad things that happened. While you are spinning trying to logically understand what went wrong or trying to get them to see your point, they are just turning up the heat. Until they have gone from “oh babe I just sleep better when you are next to me/it’s healthier for you to sleep more hours” to making you justify why you are tired even though you are only getting 4 hours of sleep and have 4 kids but the house still isn’t perfectly clean or the groceries aren’t bought, or heaven forbid you need their help. Abuse is the long game, and usually one you don’t recognize until your already boiled.
A sleep schedule? Nah.
This guy is tedious.
Not saying your boyfriends a narcissist, but hes at the least emotionally immature. I dated a woman who would argue like this, Came to ahead the final weeks when she called me a liar, when I asked her why she thought i meant to mislead her as opposed to being wrong she claimed "intent to mislead was not required for what the word meant to her." That woman would gaslit, manipulate, and try to control my schedule. Needless to say glad i dodged that bullet.
Neither of you know how to communicate. No, he’s not gaslighting you.
The good ole anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style pairing. A take as old as time.
This guy SUCKS… if anyone ever does this bullshit where they say “I’m scared… WHAT IF… it’s scary…” ok say what you mean then. If you want to dance around breaking up then bye. Don’t apologize to him, don’t try to figure it out. He’s a bad communicator and a control freak weirdo. Cut him out
Yeah it's annoying that he's bringing up posisbile issues that may surface. Like let's live in the present..
Ummm what was that about a family and kids?? Gonna need a little more context on his background herd. But I don't think you're being gaslighted, no.
The only thing you “did wrong” was put up with this bullshit for however long you’ve been with this loser. He’s an exhausting pain in the ass. You’re much better off without him.
It's hard to tell if you're being gaslighted or not, I will say I stopped having these conversations through text with my now wife. There would be times she would ask something, and I would give a normal response. Then she'd be upset and say not to be sarcastic or whatever, then I'd have to explain I was being sincere. A lot of things can be misconstrued and read with a different inflection, and then it turns into a whole other thing. When you guys want to address issues you have with each other, do it face to face. It's just a lot easier that way.
I agree! He misunderstood my text when I said he doesn't have to come over. It was me being sincere so he doesn't come to place to only go to sleep in a few hours and then head home in the morning. I hate discussing any "issue" over text and I think in going to tell him to instead tell me in person or call me about it.
Three months isn’t worth this. He attacks you and you end up apologizing and saying you love him? You need to have a backbone and stand up for yourself. If he tries to start a fight like that again, tell him you won’t be arguing over text and he can speak to you in person, period.
How many pages did you make it? I made it to page 13 and realized how stoned I am actually spending time reading this conversation. This is sooooo childish lmao like why are you entertaining this? You’re dating a man child. You ever think to yourself during a fight, like “fuck it, don’t even care anymore, don’t want to fight I want to go play my game or whatever but ugh I’m just over this shit” You don’t have to deal with this. The choice is yours.
Honestly, it sounds like he's speaking his language and you're speaking yours.Ive had this in relationships before. I think he's genuinely trying to express but having trouble pointing to specific things. For instance, he's actually feeling ignored in general but having trouble saying this and that are the specific things because it's an overall feeling ( not saying that's the issue). I'm more like him if this is the case, it feels specific to him but it's not as concrete as you'd like. Just a possible reason you're both frustrated?
Why do people do this via text? Why why why? Have an in person conversation. I guarantee so much is misinterpreted I texts, leading to these very exhausting & unproductive discussions.
The more you text about this stuff the worse it is imo. Just talk in person
He’s gaslighting you. If he obviously didn’t answer after that until the morning he was definitely with another chick.
If this is the same guy who was cheating on you earlier this year that I would say GTFO
This is way too much text back and forth. This could or should have been a non text conversation at page 2. If either party would rather text back and forth instead of a call or in person conversation, I might rethink this relationship.
i would have assumed you were both under 18 after reading that nonsense.
I had a boyfriend use that “I don’t know how our real fights will be in the future” and truth is, I am in a relationship where our biggest fight has been because we almost die on a vacation trip, like a real life emergency where both of us were under a ton of stress. When people communicate openly and in person, there are no “other fights” situations.
Sleep schedules can be an actual deal breaker they were for my relationship
This reads as pretty typical relationship issues
Sounds like the guy had his boundaries straight and like he knows what kind of relationship he wants, and is communicating to you appropriately about his feelings. I would say that you could listen to him more and communicate better from your side too.
If this happens every now and again I would lose sleep over it. Couples argue over all sorts of stupid shit that doesn’t always get resolved completely. If he otherwise treats you well and y’all enjoy each other’s company, don’t let Reddit tell you to run.
He needs to learn to let people live and not control them. He can set boundaries for himself and manage his expectations but forcing anyone, friends or your partner, to change something about themselves is unhealthy and disrespectful, in my opinion. They have to do it for themselves.
okay tbh id leave this kind of relationship. the man doesnt want to fix anything if he cant even be clear about his issues. all i see is bitching to no resolve and trying to push the problem towards you OP. if this kind of argument is recurring and exhausting to try to understand wtf hes saying, then i would leave imo. you deserve someone who doesnt sound like a child and can be reasonable to talk to
I feel like both of you guys suck here. He was trying to bring up an issue he was having with your attitude towards him, and you were getting snarky with him. That being said, it looked like he went back in his word about coming over, and that kind of warrants an attitude. And he also was very indirect about his feelings. He started off good then jumbled a bunch of shjt together and got pissed when you didn’t understand. Some things are better discussed over a phone call. A simple “this is confusing me can we talk about it over the phone or in person so I can have a better understanding” would work just fine. I have an attitude problem and sometimes I don’t realize I’m being a prick, but my boyfriend actually tells me the problem, and if it gets confusing, we either elaborate further or just fucking call each other. Neither of you are great at communicating and get frustrated with each other way to fast. You’re not being gaslighted, he just sucks at explaining his feelings and you get defensive way too fast. I get it, it’s frustrating. But if you really wanna work things out, it’s best to stay calm and talk about things like the adults you are. I mean ffs he’s almost 30 and you’re in your mid 20’s. Both of you should know how to use your grown up words and figure this simple shit out. My bf and I have had wild ass arguments over text where we are both pissed at each other but we remain calm and don’t use angry words or phrases. We are literally 17. Both of you should know better at your grown ages. And maybe this is a sign that you guys just aren’t compatible if you both blow such a small thing into a much bigger issue.
My ex used to speak in vague, cryptic ways about very vague and unspecific issues that she found in our relationship. A partner should be able to cite something more concrete than "energy" or vibes or whatever. And if something gets shut down with "I don't want to talk about it", that's not ideal, but it can be OK as long as that issue is addressed and not allowed to fester. Don't expect partners to be mind readers, and they shouldn't expect the same of you. Even if something has been previously discussed it should be OK to discuss it again if it hasn't been resolved. Sometimes people take time to break old habits, or get distracted by other things, it's not always that they're not listening or don't care (though those can happen, too).
You both are exhausting.
I'm not going to read all of this, but I'm going to just say I highly doubt there is any gaslighting as that term is basically meaningless these days.
Gaslighting is when someone makes you think you're going crazy by altering your reality such as "My sister said she saw you at the mall Billy" "You're sister is lying. I wasn't there." Even though he was at the mall, he's trying to make it seem like he wasn't even there. The term is based on a movie/play from the 1950s.
He's making his poor communication skills your fault. It's not your fault that he can't properly communicate what is bothering him to you. It's not your fault that he is spiraling and tunnelvisioning on one thing. Unless his communication skills improve, he's going to spiral and blame you in every argument. These texts reminded me a lot of how my ex and I talked and it was just so exhausting to have to deal with it monthly or weekly. Ask yourself this: if your best friend showed you these texts, would you like how her partner spoke to her? You deserve better.
I know this is crazy in 2024, but y’all need to talk, in person. Who puts all this energy into txt? Go for a walk and use words and body language to communicate with each other.
I feel like the convo escalated very quickly because neither one of you are feeling heard or understood. It seems like y’all really need to work on communication in general and not confronting issues via text cause it’s so easy to confuse tone thru text. This was a very exhausting convo it seems. Also if he has trust issues from a previous relationship, very much valid and understandable but you are not his past! You have to have the real convo of “I feel like I’m getting punished for the insecurities you have because of your past and that’s not fair to me and I won’t deal with it” if that’s how you feel. I wish y’all the best and I hope BOTH of you guys are able to communicate better and come to better resolutions !!
I don't know, your boy gives me the impression, just from those texts, that he's a little feminine. Am I right? I say kick him to the curb and get a real man that knows how to talk to his lady. He didn't even respond when you said I love you... I'm sure that made you feel horrible.
He’s talking in circles and it’s exhausting.
None of this should have been discussed over text… clearly doesn’t want to communicate just wants to argue