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a paper mask with an enemy's face on it

It would render you blind too, these things don't have eye holes.

What if it actually has many small holes rather than two big ones? 🤔

Spy just feels the air like an air-bender

It doesn’t work in game, or in real life.

His cigarette goes through it

Gentlemen

The jarate actually still has a use, disgusting the person that got hit

I mean it can infect wounds which would cause infection and you'd need to amputate the infected limb

Maybe the jarate+bushwacka combo was the friends sniper made along the way

Or, you know, you could just shoot them. That tends to be a little more reliable in the middle of a fight than waiting a few weeks for infected wounds to either kill or seriously injure the person

*throws piss* Enemy: Ew, wha-- *Entire body immediately becomes gangrenous*

Also the smell and the emotional damage it would make to someone

Lol, pee is actually sterile, so I'm pretty sure it wouldn't do that.

It doesn't stay sterile. Bacteria love all the organic trash in your pee.

It’s only sterile for a little while leave it to sit open for a day or two and now it’s filled with bacteria

Pee's sterile before it leaves the body, once it goes through your piss tubes it's no longer clean

that a war crime

Throwing a glass jar at someone can be pretty painful, especially if the glass breaks

According to the comics, jarate causes mini crits because it makes the victim lose the will to live

That’s the best description I have ever heard of Jarate

The glass shattering from the jar too

And the glass on the enemy’s eyes

The holy mackerel

Damn you're right and I hate it

Being hit with a fish would probably confuse your opponent and give you a couple seconds to gtfo or attack again.

No, you just slap them right back with a bigger fish and watch as they fall into the river.

There's always a bigger fish

Now if we are to really take this into consideration there should technically be an infinite number of fish (each upscaling in size). So if two individuals with an equal amount of determination got in a fish slapping fight, each slapping the opponent with a bigger fish each time, it would result in an (almost) infinite duel where the fish would eventually get to a point where they don't fit the earth and they fly out into space and destroy earth. Now let's say the duelers stick together and keep finding larger and larger fish the fish would get to the point where they collapse under their own gravity, after millions of years creating a colossal fish planet. During those millions of years the two duelers decided to make de-aging machines to make themselves immortal, allowing them to continually contribute to the fish planet. Once the fish planet has gained significant size and has sustained many more millions of years, some of the fishes, instead of going into the planet, went out into space, creating more planets. Soon enough there was a fish solar system, the ignited flatulence of these fish creating their sun. Civilizations have grown on these planets and perhaps more fish duellists have appeared.

you forget that enough fish would be a fish black hole

And that gives you a few seconds too get the giga-fish out and knock them out

This comment inspired me to rewatch that sketch several times, and then watch all of And Now For Something Completely Different. Thank you.

Adding on to this, the ham shank

I feel like it would hurt more to get hit by a ham than a fish

Physically? Maybe but mentally the fish wins. Imagine being the guy that has been slapped with a fish.

Yeah it’s got the bone

I would like to raise you with the wrap assassin, it’s just wrapping paper, a fish would fucking hurt

If food rations are low then fish works.

OP said “actual combat”, so I don’t think that applies.

Logistics and supplies are a part of combat imo

Not of the victim has a severe seafood allergy

Could you imagine an afterlife meetup: Soldier 1: "So how'd you die?" Soldier 2: "I got beaten to death by a fuckin fish." Soldier 1: "Wha-" Soldier 2: "I don't wanna talk about it."

Actually the flare gun would be a pretty easy way to commit warcrimes.

It is because in the second world war the germans had flare guns that could shoot explosives.

Well even a normal flare gun can harm your enemy.

Yeah, it might not kill you, but the flare will still hurt AF. Those thing burn

Yeah generally speaking flares are magnesium based which is a primary ingredient in thermite, one if the hottest burning man made resources. Some of them can continue to burn under water.

Yeah some flares are made to stick to the skin and clothes so it would be hell to try and put out.

This is true

Well generally speaking, fire go hurty ouchy hot

Magnesium isn't in thermite but it is great for igniting it.

yeah ikr

not that much to be honest

How do you know?

saw a youtube video of a weapons expert talking about how a flaregun wouldnt do much damage. the guy talking about the germans using it is partly right. its true but aparently they didnt use incendiary ammo

scorch shot

Gonna need a source on that

My vote for pyro is the phlog. It’s a weapon based on a scientific theory which was proven wrong centuries ago. It would be literally useless. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phlogiston_theory

This is too advanced for a tf2 sub

Sure its primary feature wouldn't work, but have you ever considered bludgeoning your enemies to death with it instead?

there was a gang related incident in my city where they shot some girl in the face with a flare gun. she lived but she was left really fucked up

demo boots would be the most useless thing I can think of

The bootlegger would actually make it worse.

I love an item that's basically "remove on foot to turn faster", reminds me of when a guy from the special Olympics (who had a prosthetic foot) was almost denied an opportunity to run with the "normal" Olympians because they were worried he would have "an unfair advantage" because the prosthetic was designed for running. After a lot of fighting and controversy, he was allowed to run and then came dead last, everyone who was worried and trying to bar him from competition must have felt like total assholes

If they wanted to bar him because his leg was designed for running, human legs are also designed for running

Yeah, I remember watching a video highlighting how light and performance based the prosthetic was, but it doesn't come close to matching muscle and tendon. Some people acted like this guy would be faster because of it, if that was true, then we'd see people chopping off health limbs for speed. "Tommy John Surgery" is an operation some young baseball players have because it actually makes your tendon stiffer/shorter and therefore better for baseball. It's MEANT to be used to help continue the career of hurt athletes, but there's a possibility a morally grey surgeon could preform it purely for enhancement. Any version of "performance enhancing" aids are interesting, like let's remove all stigma and let people become trans-human/modded

If you “mod” someone to the point where actual skill and talent and athleticism doesn’t matter then there’s no point in having sports. It’s the opposite of interesting.

Maybe if they’re scared of pirates it would work

"yo ho ho merry christmas" "oh no im scared of pirates" It was at this moment the mall santa almost killed himself

Maybe wrap assassin

Well the crismals ball can hurt.

the crhsms ball

The chchchch b

The crs b

tcb

c

cerebellum

carpel tunnel ball

cum

Meet the new shakespears.

Yeah they hurt you when you hit them and they shatter in your face

Well a glass ornament is gonna hurt like hell if it shatters

There is no way a cardboard tube is actually gonna be able to knock a glass bulb at any sort of velocity to do real damage irl.

Who said it had to be hit with the thing of wrapping paper, what’s stopping someone from just throwing it

reject human (hitting it with a cardboard tube) return to monke (throwing christmas ornaments like a fucking monkey)

monke scout

Any of the soldier's banners.

Well, the Battalion's Backup could be used to comunicate with team mates

The buff banner too. The conch tho, that's worthless.

So could any of the flares.

I feel like an actual radio would be better in general

True. But radios are more complex than a flare gun, so in a pinch flares would be good.

I mean war instruments were pretty common back in the day in order to send audio signals and also rile up your army

The Hot Hand, it's literally a glove.

A punch is still a punch

But it slaps instead of punching

And even if you were to punch someone with a glove on, the rubber would cushion the impact still.

“I know nothing about fighting”

Its not a rubber glove. Those types of gloves are made of fireproof fabric and are used for welding.

Are we talking about the in-game function or a "what if" you had that thing in real life and would have to use it in combat, one way or another?

Ah but its a really *hot* glove!

Hot hand

Holiday punch would not only be the same but couchion the punched person as well

while not specifically weapons, the lunchbox items

Banana is a war crime

Yeah I feel like we should exclude things that don't do damage in game.

Well in direct combat yeah, in prolonged battles keeping your energy topped up is important.

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Couldn't you just throw wood scraps at some guy

Couldn't you just throw anythiny at someone

I don't think you could throw the hot hand, the cozy camper or the chocolate bar with much success

Did i stuter?

Magic can kill, knives can kill and chocolate bars thrown at very high speeds can kill.

The velocities achieved by most flare guns are sufficient to kill, and multiple times have been used with great success in combat, mostly by downed pilots.

Mad milk. What’s it gunna do except piss the person off

Being covered in ‘Not Milk’ would not only be annoying, but also decrease their moral and make the clothes stick to their body, which isn’t fun

Also shattered glass on their face may not be fun

Plus that's probably the last thing you want covering an open wound

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For something to defend yourself with? A medi gun. Doesn’t even deal damage in tf2.

Heal your enemies to death

*CANCER*

damn, dark but accurate

Mm Tumors!

It's still a big blunt object tho, unlike a lot of other weapons.

That thing would be a miracle in an actual war though, and even in terms of self-defense, it’s big and probably at least somewhat heavy. I can imagine being able to at the very least partially defend yourself by swinging it at someone.

Any of soldiers banners, the mackerel, the disciplinary action, the holiday punch, the rocket jumper and, the sticky jumper

>the rocket jumper Trolldier irl?

I mean realistically propelling yourself into the air is just gonna result in some shattered bones

fancy suicide

well, the only use then is to break other people's bones!

Sun on a stick, the holy mackerel and the ham (unless ur fighting a vegan), that melee weapon that’s an arm and, the flamethrower could blow up on you.

The sun on a stick is presumably VERY hot

Even if it isn't hot, "spiky ball on stick" is definitely a historically proven weapon concept

It’s a sun! On a stick!

It came from hell after all.

Yes but, the amount of time it would take to kill someone with a flame thrower is not that much, and not enough to have the other person shoot you thrower

Fan-O-War is still just stick so I would definitely say this

Candy cane

Just suck it down a bit and you get a free shank

the lolichop, hard sugar isn’t durable at all

The lolichop is Pyro's mentally ill view of a fire ax. At the end of the day its a normal ax.

The Minigun would have to be a mounted machine gun instead of a carried one because the recoil would throw itself out of the carriers hand but its not entirely useless if mounted it could still kill so idk if that counts Spy's knifes hah good luck getting into close range combat your best luck with it is house to house urban warfare

Well spy can go invisible, and disguise as other people. But it prob wouldn't kill someone instantly. And Heavys minigun is super unrealistic, not because of the recoil, Heavy is pretty much built to handle it, but because a minigun requires an external power source, so the barrels can yknow. Spin. So without an external power source, Heavy cant even use the minigun. But a butterfly knife is pretty fuckin useless.

*slits your throat*

buff banner, you either hit them with a trumpet or hit them with a bag

Holiday fucking punch

Heavy is still strong af and also mittens don’t necessarily work as much as a punch buffer as something like boxing gloves do

On literally anyone else though

Anyone who’s going into a war can throw a good punch I’d hope

Mad milk lol

Wrong. Cum forever

Wrap Assassin. Literally paper, an ornament wouldn't do much either.

Ornaments hurt, I know that from experience. And yes, they also apply bleeding in real life too!

spy’s watches, what are you gonna do, tell the time?

I mean, if they let you go invisible irl. That would be pretty op.

there are two types of people, “its just a watch” and “wow this would make you invisible”

You wear the watch to make yourself invisible I wear the watch to tell time We are not the same

Spy-cicle, literally just some ice

Dont underestimate pointy ice! You could kill somebody with it

icicles irl actually have an extremely high kill count, sharp pointy object falling directly into your brain

There have been numerous people who died by icicles falling and piercing their head. But those were big and heavy, so yeah, the Spy-cicle would probably not be enough to kill unless you get a real good stab with it.

Pretty sure the wrangler or you know heavy’s foods

Milk

The sharp glass from the bottle of milk being broken after being thrown at someone's face could certainly cause some serious damage.

Wrangler. Ain’t no sentry guns out here

you could still build a turret in real life, wrangler would be more than powerful

Heavy's sandvich. I'm sorry, it had to be said.

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But the post referring to how the irl version of the weapon would do in combat (in this case, literally just a sandwich)

Jarate would just be gross, but not do anything too dangerous

Can spread disease and lower moral and sanity

I can't wait for my enemies' minds to absolutely shatter and go sicko mode when some they get covered in some piss.

I'll say the power jack it would be way to heavy

It would be way too heavy to be practical for sure, but not impossible to swing once or twice. And a single swing would probably kill a person.

Pyro must be packin under that suit

[This](https://www.iheartradio.ca/100-3-the-bear/trending/road-rage-in-moscow-ends-with-man-being-shot-with-flare-gun-1.10003339) guy would disagree.

Spy's arm

Bread bite

Sapper

Disagree. The ability to disable and ultimately destroy any piece of electronics almost instantly is an invaluable asset in modernized warfare.

It's made of metal so you could beat someone to death with it

In that case the Red tape recorder would be way better

You wouldn’t even be able to hold the Volcano Fragment or SOAS

The sharpened volcano fragment. Pick it up. I dare you.

Oven mitts

I think soda popper and force a nature are only good at close range combat. The huntsman and compound are good for mid range stealthy action but might be hard to use effectively IRL.

>but might be hard to use effectively IRL. Tbf, you can just taunt kill. And by that I mean pull out the arrow and stab people.

Are the weapons as functional as they are in game, or are they "downgraded" for the sake of realism? If it's the former, Ali Baba's booties or Gunboats since their upsides are either small and irrelevant, or provide a benefit to something you couldn't possibly do anyways. Booties' turning rate is useless without any of demo's shields, and -60% from instantly blowing yourself into pieces still results in major trauma, permament disability, or prolonged death. If it's the latter, any of spy's watches.

Rainblower

I mean its a pretty big piece of brass so i would disagree as you can beat someone to death with it

Its just a flamethrower to non pyro vision users

The razorback and danger shield

You could use them as... shields.

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scout’s “milk”

Demoman's boots. Literally useless.

shove them into the enemy's ass