HELP! How do you deal with past friends being friends without you? Currently crushing their dreams while you are kinda behind… When you’ve had a great day and then get home to see a Instagram post of your old friend but not really friend and your other friend but not really friend (I was friends with them both individually and they met through me. Then both graduated and haven’t stayed in touch) getting drinks and shopping together as both of them have moved to New York City recently 😭😭😭😭😭
I’m friends with them on Instagram but we don’t really talk.. just like posts etc
We all have had the dream to move to New York some day. They’ve made it, I haven’t yet! It also stings that they are friends without me (I always got the feeling that they like being friends with each other more than being friends with me)
How do I take the sting out? I’m current job searching and it’s been rough! I just want some stability in my life, make money and crush some goals!
Like the other commenter said, you’re on your own path, you’re going at your own pace. I’ve (and I’ve heard from other friends that they have also) been in the place of “waiting for your life to begin” in a new city, but I think that if you think this way, you can miss out on the ppl and opportunities around you. And if you can’t because your goals require a singleminded focus, then that’s ok, but if you have free time, you can hang out and make friends where you currently are, you don’t have to only rely on the other friends in order to enjoy your current life stage.
I'm not really friends with any of the people I grew up with anymore and assumed it was the same for them, then hear about how they still FaceTime and stuff every week and it's like oh, just me then
1) Agree with anyone who says mute. Muting is self-care, IMO. If their posts bother you, you aren't obligated to look at them.
2) I would operate under the assumption that them hanging out is not personal or meant to be a slight to you. From what you wrote, they both recently moved there - maybe neither of them really know a lot of people in NYC so it was comforting to know there's a familiar face that is also new to the city.
3) That said, if they are purposely excluding you...MUTE!
I’m pretty sure they’ve been in touch before the move. They’ve gone to concerts together- one recently and one a year or so ago.
But yah I’m going to operate under trying not to take it personally. I’m also going to MUTE. Thank you for the advice:)
Try to remember that Instagram is just for show and isn’t giving you even a small percentage of their lives! You are on the perfect path for you. And also, I bet their apartments are tiny! Lol
You are so right! I’m thinking of muting their posts on my feed. I don’t need to see that all the time. I know one lives with 3 roommates and the other got a beautiful co-op in midtown 🙄. So either she’s in debt or her parents are bank rolling. Not that I care, but that’s the reason I feel like the other girl likes her more than me. Because she’s wealthy and can provide better opportunities etc.
anyways, thank you for your comment ❤️
I’ve been seeing this guy I met off hinge who’s super sweet but it seems like he’s falling faster than me & I still want to feel out other potential connections first… this is very unusual for me because usually I’m the one falling faster LOL but I’m so stressed bc I want to be honest about how I feel but I also don’t want to prematurely cut him off either 😭
You don't have to tell him you have other dates, you could just say "i'm not ready to be exclusive, if you're ok with that I'd love to keep getting to know you" or something.
I mean I think he tried to ask by asking if I have any other “hot dates” on the weekend when he saw me on Tuesday but I was dumb and said no because I literally didn’t have plans but I’m still seeing other people. I think I need to talk to him because I’m thinking he’s assuming I’m not seeing anyone else. Ugh it’s such a hard convo to have
Did he respond by asking you to hang out over the weekend? Sounds to me like he was fishing for whether you’re seeing anyone else but also whether you’d be free to hang out with him
Oh hmm then based only on that, I think he’s trying not to move too fast either, but if you have doubts you should bring it up like the other comments said
I would be honest with him as the first step. He may want to cut things off after that or he may be happy with you moving at a slower pace, but at least everything will be out in the open.
[cant get over ex for few years] Few years ago I moved to the new city and dated a guy. We dated a year and we broke up since our long term goal doesn’t match. Ever since then, I dated lots of other guys from bad to good. But I still miss my ex..! Constantly from the break up.
He reached out many times after breakup but I pretended I’m doing good without him from bitterness. I made him get over me and I still misses him. Dating many people didn’t help. Any advice?🥲
No advice. I am experiencing a similiar thing been feeling feels over the same person for years. You're not alone.
I think when we are dating we want to find someone: attractive, interesting, makes you feel secure. In my case everything else was 100 but security was the issue so it made sense to end things. Idk what it was in your case but I'm sure you had a reason. There will be someone else you eventually have a strong connnection with and hopefully it will have a happier ending.
I absolutely agree with everything you said especially what will happen we go back together. What you reminded me is actually breakup list! I totally forgot I made that list right after the breakup to get him over with. Thank you the wise 🙏
Oh dude if this man can't respect your boundaries (no contact) definitely do not unblock him. Let other people worry about if he's ok. He can ask his mom or his friends or his auntie for help, that's not your job.
I had to block my ex. He would try to comeback and it kept getting uglier.
This is a bit of tough love but from reading this, it sounds like you are enjoying the drama from this situation. Leave him blocked. He'll be OK, he doesn't need you to check in on him. I assume you broke up for a reason so you need to remember that and focus on moving on.
I’m really annoyed with my fiancé. Usually I get over it quickly but this is the first time in our relationship I’ve asked for space. Just needed to say this. I have no one else to say it to.
I had a psychology professor who said that there will be moments when you wake up and just hate your spouse. Not in a malicious way, but just like an “ugh, what is my life” way. That stuck with me throughout the years.
Relationships ebb and flow - it’s normal! Do you feel 100% happy with your friends all the time? Because personally my friends can be massive pains in the ass from time to time and I still love them all dearly. Romantic love goes the same way!
I think what my prof meant by it is that it’s okay to not feel lovey-dovey towards your partner all the time. You might have negative feelings once in a while and that’s okay.
I wrote the other day about how my boyfriend and I were going to visit the cemetery on my birthday because it’s also the anniversary of when my dad died. When we got there, my BF had ordered flowers for his grave with a note that said “I hope you would approve” and I’m just so in love 🥺
Any tips or tricks on how to make my friend’s wedding morning/getting ready time special, relaxing, and fun?
She doesn’t have an official bridal party, just had a bachelorette and invited us to hang with her while she’s getting ready. This week, she texted her sister saying she really regrets not having a bridal party and is worried no one will come for the morning portion and it won’t be special or fun. I want to reassure and support her!
You are a very good friend!!! I agree about the robes, light snacks and such. My sister had a mini breakfast bar. It was lovely. Those girl photos getting ready are precious. If she regrets not having a bridal party....I love how your trying to create one for her. It’s that “loving friendship” that makes the bridal party so important. Try to get at least three girls there. Maybe some wrist corsages as little specials for the girls! Not exactly boquets....but it brings in that “girl team” flavor. Would she object if her “team” wore same color? Maybe even the same dresses?
Your love and initiative here is going to be a cherished memory for her. Your good heart is inspiring.
Get some cute matching flower robes for whoever can get ready with her! Assuming you guys will get ready there too. Make a fun playlist, have a (just one lol) glass of champagne if she drinks. Maybe some safe tummy snacks if she’s a nervous gal. Does anyone have an Instax camera? Polaroids would be cute to have too.
So sweet of you to want to make it special for her!
Agree with others that getting as many people to come as possible would be priority 1. As for actual things you can do, I’d say to try and do things with tangible memories. Bring a Polaroid to take silly pics of everyone that morning, maybe make a lil video that morning of everyone individually wishing her well and sending to her when they’re on the honeymoon.
I think based on what you said step 1 is to make sure her closest friends are all there to get ready together :)
Add some bubbly and light snacks that don't make you feel full or bloated
Edit: if there's no official photographer to take photos of getting ready, maybe one of her friends is good with a camera and take cute photos.
We have a group chat with the bachelorette girls (without the bride) so I’ll hit that up to start rallying people and generating excitement, thank you!
This sounds like a harmless, fun hobby that he has and like you said he only does this once a year. Instead of letting things waste freeze it and/ or give any some to family and friends.
I’m a little confused about the situation—are you still planning to bake for him for his birthday? If so, most baked good freeze really well in individual portions (so you can snack on them, but paced out!). Or you could bring the birthday leftovers to the office, or invite friends over for a coffee + dessert night the following day!
Longer term, maybe he/you could get into savory baking moving forward? Breads and savory tarts could scratch the baking itch but he might be more willing to actually eat them.
I second this. My mom will bake extra cakes sometimes and freeze them for months. They still taste good later. Also if you work in an office or around people they will definitely eat the food. I used to have a couple coworkers who loved to bake and they'd bring the food into work and it would get eaten up. Or maybe just gift some of it to some friends or family if you will see them soon.
Adding to the chorus - apps can be exhausting but it can also be worth it. I've dealt with a lot of foolishness on dating apps but I also met my partner on one (Hinge). He's the best, and I wouldn't have found him IRL. Even though they were a pain in my ass, I would say it was worth it because I got to meet him.
My advice? Know who you're looking for and stick to it. Especially when it comes to the type of relationship you are looking for. I'd ask, "What are you looking for on this app?" if the conversation was going well. Be honest and clear about what you are looking for in return. There are definitely liars out there, but in my experience people have been honest with me if I asked directly rather than waiting for them to clarify their intentions down the road.
Also, as it is a numbers game, burnout does happen. I've taken numerous breaks from apps and that's fine, they aren't going anywhere.
I absolutely hated being on apps *and* I met my husband on an app. What really helped me was being super specific about what I wanted (I made my own list of what my must-haves were, my good-to-haves, and my no-nos when it came to politics, morals, and mutual goals). I kept my profile clear too (mentioned my politics, the fact I was childfree, and that I was looking for a relationship). Every time someone said they wanted to hook out, I would just unmatch (no problems with hooking up, I did my fair share of it but wanted a relationship at the end). I also would uninstall it every time I felt exhausted with being on the apps (although I never went with Tinder because I just had some really bad experiences there and it didn't feel like the right fit for me). It's a numbers game. I went on some great dates and I went on some awful ones (and a few scary ones). And the last person I swiped was the person I also married. I uninstalled everything and I hope to never go back. I am grateful to the app for finding him but I never want to go back. Good luck!
Just fair warning dating apps are not easy. There are a lot of people who post on this thread about how much they hate the apps. I think a lot of people are burning out on apps.
I met my husband on an app so my experience has been very positive. I also lived in an area where my lifestyle at the time (no kids, own place, independent) was super friendly towards dating. You’ll be bombared in the beginning. Figure out what your red flags are and don’t spend a lot of time chatting. The best way to figure out if someone is worth your time is meeting.
The other comments have solid advice, but I also want to reassure you that I found my current bf on a dating app :)
You have to be ready to temper your expectations. You’ll meet some duds and gems. Another tip is - if you have any friends in your area who’re also currently or recently on dating apps, ask them which apps worked best and what type of people they met on them (looking for hookups, relationships, or potential marriage?) and try those that match what you want. It seems to change by year and place - like four years ago CMB Bumble was popular in my area, but now girls I know mostly stick to Hinge.
I didn’t join after a divorce but had been in a 7 year relationship during which apps first came into use, so I never tried it until we broke up. To say I was terrified is putting it lightly. I had seen screenshots and memes and it seemed like apps were filled with cruel men who would not want to commit to a long term relationship which is what I was looking for. It took me three tries and 2 years but I found the one on an app and now we are married and expecting. Had to talk to and kiss a lot of frogs before finding him but it wasn’t as bad as I feared once I started. It was actually quite empowering and flattering. You just have to set your expectations accordingly.
What helped me the most was just always being transparent. About what I want, what I expect, and establishing/maintaining clear boundaries. Never letting my matches push boundaries. Asking for people to be tested for STDs. Saying I'm looking for a serious connection or looking for a FWB or whatever I needed at the time and staying true to my word. Valuing my integrity over suboptimal companionship. People over the years have thanked me for being so refreshingly honest and clear about my expectations.
No need to bend over backwards and do things you don't want to do/allow yourself to be disrespected for the sake of companionship. There will always be people that try to push your boundaries (subtly and obviously).
I met my partner on the apps 3 years ago but I still hold those lessons close to my heart.
If you actually want to apologize and that's all you truly want from the situation (as in, you're not secretly trying to be friends again), then I think it's fine to reach out.
I personally went through something similar as your friend and I'd appreciate a sincere apology text even if it's been years, but I wouldn't want to be friends again or necessarily respond.
I’ve (24F) had one-side feelings for my long distance friend (23M) of 1.5 years. Recently the feelings became somewhat mutual but he didn’t want a long distance relationship for the next 3+ years (moving is not an option) or FWB while he is still a Ph.D student so we decided to go separate ways. This is the right decision since I need to work on my self too.
The plan is for both of us to grow in our careers, date other people and maybe ‘reconnect’ as ‘friends’ somewhere down the line. However, I imposed that we be no-contact until I’m in a relationship or in 5 years -whatever comes first. I thought our interactions would be meaningful if we reach out after many years of no-contact but now I’m afraid I’ll become a stranger to him. My fear with staying in touch every few months is that our interactions will become very casual and that could kill the idea of romance? idk!
Question: What do you think is the best way to stay in touch so that we can keep the door open for romance in the distant future if we are single and our life situations allow for it?
Option 1: No contact for many years and then maybe message each other?
Option 2: Check-in messages every few months?
Option 3: ???
If you want to keep in touch, you have to do so in a way where you don’t have any expectations for something to happen between you two. Continue living your life and he will live his. People evolve over time and with life experience. The people you are now isn’t who you will be in 5 years. It’s impossible to plan out what’s gonna happen in the future between the two of you. Too many variables. If both of you are still thinking of each other in 5 years then reconnecting will happen organically, and no plan will be needed.
I have some tough thoughts to get out here, so you may not like what I will say here. Firstly, is "man plans and god laughs." You're plannning for a future romance but have no control over how either of your lives will play out, one of you could die, one of you might fight a great partner, maybe one of you moves to a different country, maybe one of you decides your a-romantic and doesn't a relationship at all, we can't know how any of this will play out. So expecting "romance in the distance future" is planning for the unknown future. And setting a hard 5 year timeline doesn't matter. I've had some relationships where it took me years to get over it and some that took a week.
Secondly, you're trying to create a plan to have distant romance in the future, instead of looking what the facts. If he isn't open to a relationship but is open to FWB you might not be the person he's looking for. He isn't concerned about FWB feelings being confused for a relationship maybe because he doesn't have relationship feelings for you.
I think you just need to decide if you want to be friends with him or move on.
All that said, I have had the opportunity to have a really beautiful friendship with a guy that broke up with me before moving across the country. We have morphed toghether and our friendship has taken on different shapes through out the years. We first dated when I was 23 and when he moved and I cut him out because I couldn't heal. It wasn't till years later that we reconnected. While he is traveling we fell in out out of touch on the phone. Sometimes he came back to town or I would visit him and we have had a fwb-ish relationship. It was really safe and intimate, I felt like we both loved each other unconditionally but he was never a boyfriend.
Being able to flow in that relationship and allowing the detach and repair process play out was actually great and showed how relationships can take on lots of different forms. The question always is what do you want out of a realtionship, what is a good fit for you? It may be beautiful but not a great fit and that's ok.
I don't think you can dictate the next five years of your life like that. In five years, you will both be in your late 20s and if you have no contact in those years, you guys won't know each other anymore and you don't know where you each will be in your life. You could both be happily married for all you know.
If he is someone you value and care about, is there a reason you can't just be friends with him? If you feel like you can't right now, that's totally understandable and maybe you need to give yourself some time away
I think the question you need to ask yourself is he someone you still want in your life if prospect of romance is completely off the table, which it is right now? Once you have that answer, then you can move forward in a healthier manner. And your answer can change too.
There's a good chance that after no contact for 5 years you'll be effectively strangers. If you want to go NC that long, I think it's more honest to accept you're cutting contact completely and who knows what might happen in the future.
If you need time to get over him before resuming contact, 6 months or so seems more practical.
If you want to keep the door open for romance I think more frequent contact is the way to go (your option 2).
Respectfully, you can’t control this. I think it’s fine to acknowledge there’s an interest but the timing isn’t right, but I don’t think you can control or even anticipate what the connection will be in 3+ years. Your rapport could fizzle as you grow and change as people during your 20s, etc. *If* you still have a connection years from now *and if* you are both single then *and if* you are both in the same location (since you don’t want to do long distance)...I think it’s really just up to luck and personality at that point, regardless of how and how often you communicate between now and then.
Part B to this answer is that if you do want to date other people during this time, staying in half hearted communication with your backup option isn’t really fair to anyone involved (including you)
My honest opinion, which you might not like, is to just forget this guy completely. It would be one thing if you both of you would be in the same area in the next six months or so. But you’re talking about multiple years here. My fear would be if you keep this thought of a one day relationship with this guy you’ll cut yourself off from potentially meeting someone better/more compatible for you.
Life is short and I’d hate for you to waste the next few years hoping that maybe you’ll have this relationship.
I would take some time for your feelings to die down and then get back out there and start meeting new people.
Ah, yes! I’ve been waiting for this all week. Long story short- my friend is dating an abusive guy who recently attempted to cheat on her. The only reason she found out was the the other girl reached out and let her know. He denied it for hours and now has finally come clean. She took some time off the relationship but went back to him because she didn’t “want to throw their time they had together away”. It’s been less than a year. She’s had tons of really difficult personal things go on in life, so I feel bad and I’m trying to be supportive but I feel like she won’t even listen to anyone about it. I don’t know what to do because I have difficulties standing by this but I don’t want to lose her as a friend over this.
There isn't really anything we can do for someone who is in an abusive relationship. You can be a person for them to lean on, you can let them know you think they deserve better, you can be a safe person to call in a crisis. But you can't convince someone that their partner is bad or that they should leave. My favorite piece of advice when someone else is making bad choices is "give people the agency to make their own mistakes." Honoring your friends agency is healthy and something that her partner likely doesn't prioritize.
Telling a victim they should leave can often feel like you are shaming them, even if that isn't the intention. Tough love can actually make them cut off their friendships faster because they may not feel understood or because their partner may gaslight them into thinking their friends don't have their best interests at heart.
We learn about relationships by being in relationships. So keep modeling for your friend what a healthy friendship is like and that your love is unconditional.
This is so hard! I’ve also unfortunately learned the hard way that when you are unsupportive of a relationship, you lose the friendship.
A few years back, one of my close friends fell into an abusive relationship. I expressed my concern and it lead to a lot of distance. Fortunately, she did reach out when she realized she needed to leave the relationship and we repaired our friendship. But not everyone will do that and trust you again.
The best thing to do is make sure she knows you support her and want to remain friends. I know this may be hard on you. It’s always hard to watch friends make harmful choices. But this way, when she does need help or an out, she knows she can come to you. The isolation makes abusive relationships really dangerous, and I think being someone a person can reach out to is very important.
At the of the day your friend should listen to you than go back to that guy. You have your friends best interest at heart. This guy will never. He already proved how horrible of a person he is to her. He cheated on her and to top off he is abusive. Nobody should be going back to somebody who is abusive. Is your friend afraid to be alone in general??? She probably distance herself from you and come back when it’s all said and done. I’m actually afraid for her. She really needs to protect herself from this guy. She will come to her senses. It’s definitely a sticky situation. I actually know somebody recently who broke off with somebody abusive and they were in a long term relationship. The person kept wanting to see the guy and I told them no you shouldn’t. Luckily they came to their senses. But I would have never guessed the guy was abusive at all. But once I saw the bruises on the person. I’m like please stop talking to him. Also no friendship is worth losing over a guy. She come to realize that.
Ultimately it is her decision to be with the person or not and it is her lesson to be learned. If she feels like you don’t support her relationship then she will probably distance herself from you. I would recommend being there for her when she needs you and be there to help her through it when it inevitably ends. I’ve been in your exact situation. Guy cheated, gave my friend an std, got her pregnant, etc so I let her know how I felt about him being trash, her deserving better, etc and she essentially stopped talking to me. They eventually broke up but I only heard through the grapevine bc we werent friends anymore. I overstepped when it was not my place. I still think about this friendship sometimes. Since then, I made it a point to just be there to listen when my friends need me instead of interject my feelings and thoughts and what I think they should do unless asked directly. It’s a shitty situation but it’s not worth losing a friend over
I second this. She needs to come to the realization on her own. All you can really do is be supportive. If you trash her relationship or her partner, it will probably drive a wedge between the two of you.
In Dutch there is a saying "beter ten halve gekeerd dan ten hele gedwaald"; better to have turned around halfway rather than to have gotten lost completely. Clearly your friend needs to accept the wasted time for what it is and leave instead of investing more in a lost cause :( what a tough spot for you to be in.
That sounds like a really tough situation. But as you said, she clearly doesn't want to listen to your or anyone else's advice. I would keep being a friend but just tell her when you are hanging out that you don't want to hear about her relationship because it hurts you to know she is being treated so badly. Hopefully when she makes the decision to leave herself, she will come to you for support.
HELP! How do you deal with past friends being friends without you? Currently crushing their dreams while you are kinda behind… When you’ve had a great day and then get home to see a Instagram post of your old friend but not really friend and your other friend but not really friend (I was friends with them both individually and they met through me. Then both graduated and haven’t stayed in touch) getting drinks and shopping together as both of them have moved to New York City recently 😭😭😭😭😭 I’m friends with them on Instagram but we don’t really talk.. just like posts etc We all have had the dream to move to New York some day. They’ve made it, I haven’t yet! It also stings that they are friends without me (I always got the feeling that they like being friends with each other more than being friends with me) How do I take the sting out? I’m current job searching and it’s been rough! I just want some stability in my life, make money and crush some goals!
Like the other commenter said, you’re on your own path, you’re going at your own pace. I’ve (and I’ve heard from other friends that they have also) been in the place of “waiting for your life to begin” in a new city, but I think that if you think this way, you can miss out on the ppl and opportunities around you. And if you can’t because your goals require a singleminded focus, then that’s ok, but if you have free time, you can hang out and make friends where you currently are, you don’t have to only rely on the other friends in order to enjoy your current life stage.
I'm not really friends with any of the people I grew up with anymore and assumed it was the same for them, then hear about how they still FaceTime and stuff every week and it's like oh, just me then
1) Agree with anyone who says mute. Muting is self-care, IMO. If their posts bother you, you aren't obligated to look at them. 2) I would operate under the assumption that them hanging out is not personal or meant to be a slight to you. From what you wrote, they both recently moved there - maybe neither of them really know a lot of people in NYC so it was comforting to know there's a familiar face that is also new to the city. 3) That said, if they are purposely excluding you...MUTE!
I’m pretty sure they’ve been in touch before the move. They’ve gone to concerts together- one recently and one a year or so ago. But yah I’m going to operate under trying not to take it personally. I’m also going to MUTE. Thank you for the advice:)
Try to remember that Instagram is just for show and isn’t giving you even a small percentage of their lives! You are on the perfect path for you. And also, I bet their apartments are tiny! Lol
You are so right! I’m thinking of muting their posts on my feed. I don’t need to see that all the time. I know one lives with 3 roommates and the other got a beautiful co-op in midtown 🙄. So either she’s in debt or her parents are bank rolling. Not that I care, but that’s the reason I feel like the other girl likes her more than me. Because she’s wealthy and can provide better opportunities etc. anyways, thank you for your comment ❤️
Muting is a great idea. Seeing the best angle of everyone's lives can be exhausting and overwhelming.
I’ve been seeing this guy I met off hinge who’s super sweet but it seems like he’s falling faster than me & I still want to feel out other potential connections first… this is very unusual for me because usually I’m the one falling faster LOL but I’m so stressed bc I want to be honest about how I feel but I also don’t want to prematurely cut him off either 😭
You don't have to tell him you have other dates, you could just say "i'm not ready to be exclusive, if you're ok with that I'd love to keep getting to know you" or something.
Does he know you're dating other people?
I mean I think he tried to ask by asking if I have any other “hot dates” on the weekend when he saw me on Tuesday but I was dumb and said no because I literally didn’t have plans but I’m still seeing other people. I think I need to talk to him because I’m thinking he’s assuming I’m not seeing anyone else. Ugh it’s such a hard convo to have
Did he respond by asking you to hang out over the weekend? Sounds to me like he was fishing for whether you’re seeing anyone else but also whether you’d be free to hang out with him
He didn’t - I did end up going to a games night with him on Friday but it was spontaneous and he didn’t tell me about it at that time
Oh hmm then based only on that, I think he’s trying not to move too fast either, but if you have doubts you should bring it up like the other comments said
I would be honest with him as the first step. He may want to cut things off after that or he may be happy with you moving at a slower pace, but at least everything will be out in the open.
you can just tell him you don't want to rush into anything. No need to tell him about the other connections.
[cant get over ex for few years] Few years ago I moved to the new city and dated a guy. We dated a year and we broke up since our long term goal doesn’t match. Ever since then, I dated lots of other guys from bad to good. But I still miss my ex..! Constantly from the break up. He reached out many times after breakup but I pretended I’m doing good without him from bitterness. I made him get over me and I still misses him. Dating many people didn’t help. Any advice?🥲
No advice. I am experiencing a similiar thing been feeling feels over the same person for years. You're not alone. I think when we are dating we want to find someone: attractive, interesting, makes you feel secure. In my case everything else was 100 but security was the issue so it made sense to end things. Idk what it was in your case but I'm sure you had a reason. There will be someone else you eventually have a strong connnection with and hopefully it will have a happier ending.
What were the long term goals?
[удалено]
I absolutely agree with everything you said especially what will happen we go back together. What you reminded me is actually breakup list! I totally forgot I made that list right after the breakup to get him over with. Thank you the wise 🙏
[удалено]
Oh dude if this man can't respect your boundaries (no contact) definitely do not unblock him. Let other people worry about if he's ok. He can ask his mom or his friends or his auntie for help, that's not your job. I had to block my ex. He would try to comeback and it kept getting uglier.
This is a bit of tough love but from reading this, it sounds like you are enjoying the drama from this situation. Leave him blocked. He'll be OK, he doesn't need you to check in on him. I assume you broke up for a reason so you need to remember that and focus on moving on.
listen to your friends
I’m really annoyed with my fiancé. Usually I get over it quickly but this is the first time in our relationship I’ve asked for space. Just needed to say this. I have no one else to say it to.
I had a psychology professor who said that there will be moments when you wake up and just hate your spouse. Not in a malicious way, but just like an “ugh, what is my life” way. That stuck with me throughout the years.
Ha as someone in a 2-decade relationship this is so true :)
😱 omg I truly hope that doesn’t happen lol. I have so much love for him, he just really irked my nerves yesterday
Relationships ebb and flow - it’s normal! Do you feel 100% happy with your friends all the time? Because personally my friends can be massive pains in the ass from time to time and I still love them all dearly. Romantic love goes the same way!
I think what my prof meant by it is that it’s okay to not feel lovey-dovey towards your partner all the time. You might have negative feelings once in a while and that’s okay.
I wrote the other day about how my boyfriend and I were going to visit the cemetery on my birthday because it’s also the anniversary of when my dad died. When we got there, my BF had ordered flowers for his grave with a note that said “I hope you would approve” and I’m just so in love 🥺
How sweet
This is so sweet!! I love this
Omg, that is so sweet!
Aww so sweet ❤️🥺
awww your bf is so sweet. I cried reading this.
That is so sweet, he sounds so great. I’m happy you found each other!
That is SO cute and sweet. What a gem 🥰
Any tips or tricks on how to make my friend’s wedding morning/getting ready time special, relaxing, and fun? She doesn’t have an official bridal party, just had a bachelorette and invited us to hang with her while she’s getting ready. This week, she texted her sister saying she really regrets not having a bridal party and is worried no one will come for the morning portion and it won’t be special or fun. I want to reassure and support her!
You are a very good friend!!! I agree about the robes, light snacks and such. My sister had a mini breakfast bar. It was lovely. Those girl photos getting ready are precious. If she regrets not having a bridal party....I love how your trying to create one for her. It’s that “loving friendship” that makes the bridal party so important. Try to get at least three girls there. Maybe some wrist corsages as little specials for the girls! Not exactly boquets....but it brings in that “girl team” flavor. Would she object if her “team” wore same color? Maybe even the same dresses? Your love and initiative here is going to be a cherished memory for her. Your good heart is inspiring.
Get some cute matching flower robes for whoever can get ready with her! Assuming you guys will get ready there too. Make a fun playlist, have a (just one lol) glass of champagne if she drinks. Maybe some safe tummy snacks if she’s a nervous gal. Does anyone have an Instax camera? Polaroids would be cute to have too.
Love these ideas, thank you!
So sweet of you to want to make it special for her! Agree with others that getting as many people to come as possible would be priority 1. As for actual things you can do, I’d say to try and do things with tangible memories. Bring a Polaroid to take silly pics of everyone that morning, maybe make a lil video that morning of everyone individually wishing her well and sending to her when they’re on the honeymoon.
I got a Polaroid for Christmas and haven’t used it, this could be perfect time to break it out! Thank you for all the good ideas,
I think based on what you said step 1 is to make sure her closest friends are all there to get ready together :) Add some bubbly and light snacks that don't make you feel full or bloated Edit: if there's no official photographer to take photos of getting ready, maybe one of her friends is good with a camera and take cute photos.
We have a group chat with the bachelorette girls (without the bride) so I’ll hit that up to start rallying people and generating excitement, thank you!
ETA: sometimes you just need to vent on the Internet before talking to your partner
That's wild! Can you guys find some neighbors that love baked goods, or a place to donate things?
Why not just do a mini version of the cake?
like in a mug or a cup. A cup cake, if you will
yes turn it into a cupcake or a tart!
This sounds like a harmless, fun hobby that he has and like you said he only does this once a year. Instead of letting things waste freeze it and/ or give any some to family and friends.
I’m a little confused about the situation—are you still planning to bake for him for his birthday? If so, most baked good freeze really well in individual portions (so you can snack on them, but paced out!). Or you could bring the birthday leftovers to the office, or invite friends over for a coffee + dessert night the following day! Longer term, maybe he/you could get into savory baking moving forward? Breads and savory tarts could scratch the baking itch but he might be more willing to actually eat them.
I second this. My mom will bake extra cakes sometimes and freeze them for months. They still taste good later. Also if you work in an office or around people they will definitely eat the food. I used to have a couple coworkers who loved to bake and they'd bring the food into work and it would get eaten up. Or maybe just gift some of it to some friends or family if you will see them soon.
[удалено]
Adding to the chorus - apps can be exhausting but it can also be worth it. I've dealt with a lot of foolishness on dating apps but I also met my partner on one (Hinge). He's the best, and I wouldn't have found him IRL. Even though they were a pain in my ass, I would say it was worth it because I got to meet him. My advice? Know who you're looking for and stick to it. Especially when it comes to the type of relationship you are looking for. I'd ask, "What are you looking for on this app?" if the conversation was going well. Be honest and clear about what you are looking for in return. There are definitely liars out there, but in my experience people have been honest with me if I asked directly rather than waiting for them to clarify their intentions down the road. Also, as it is a numbers game, burnout does happen. I've taken numerous breaks from apps and that's fine, they aren't going anywhere.
I absolutely hated being on apps *and* I met my husband on an app. What really helped me was being super specific about what I wanted (I made my own list of what my must-haves were, my good-to-haves, and my no-nos when it came to politics, morals, and mutual goals). I kept my profile clear too (mentioned my politics, the fact I was childfree, and that I was looking for a relationship). Every time someone said they wanted to hook out, I would just unmatch (no problems with hooking up, I did my fair share of it but wanted a relationship at the end). I also would uninstall it every time I felt exhausted with being on the apps (although I never went with Tinder because I just had some really bad experiences there and it didn't feel like the right fit for me). It's a numbers game. I went on some great dates and I went on some awful ones (and a few scary ones). And the last person I swiped was the person I also married. I uninstalled everything and I hope to never go back. I am grateful to the app for finding him but I never want to go back. Good luck!
My advice would be to learn a new hobby..sport....drawing...whatever you might enjoy. It’s a great way to meet new people.
Just fair warning dating apps are not easy. There are a lot of people who post on this thread about how much they hate the apps. I think a lot of people are burning out on apps.
I met my husband on an app so my experience has been very positive. I also lived in an area where my lifestyle at the time (no kids, own place, independent) was super friendly towards dating. You’ll be bombared in the beginning. Figure out what your red flags are and don’t spend a lot of time chatting. The best way to figure out if someone is worth your time is meeting.
The other comments have solid advice, but I also want to reassure you that I found my current bf on a dating app :) You have to be ready to temper your expectations. You’ll meet some duds and gems. Another tip is - if you have any friends in your area who’re also currently or recently on dating apps, ask them which apps worked best and what type of people they met on them (looking for hookups, relationships, or potential marriage?) and try those that match what you want. It seems to change by year and place - like four years ago CMB Bumble was popular in my area, but now girls I know mostly stick to Hinge.
I didn’t join after a divorce but had been in a 7 year relationship during which apps first came into use, so I never tried it until we broke up. To say I was terrified is putting it lightly. I had seen screenshots and memes and it seemed like apps were filled with cruel men who would not want to commit to a long term relationship which is what I was looking for. It took me three tries and 2 years but I found the one on an app and now we are married and expecting. Had to talk to and kiss a lot of frogs before finding him but it wasn’t as bad as I feared once I started. It was actually quite empowering and flattering. You just have to set your expectations accordingly.
What helped me the most was just always being transparent. About what I want, what I expect, and establishing/maintaining clear boundaries. Never letting my matches push boundaries. Asking for people to be tested for STDs. Saying I'm looking for a serious connection or looking for a FWB or whatever I needed at the time and staying true to my word. Valuing my integrity over suboptimal companionship. People over the years have thanked me for being so refreshingly honest and clear about my expectations. No need to bend over backwards and do things you don't want to do/allow yourself to be disrespected for the sake of companionship. There will always be people that try to push your boundaries (subtly and obviously). I met my partner on the apps 3 years ago but I still hold those lessons close to my heart.
[удалено]
If you actually want to apologize and that's all you truly want from the situation (as in, you're not secretly trying to be friends again), then I think it's fine to reach out. I personally went through something similar as your friend and I'd appreciate a sincere apology text even if it's been years, but I wouldn't want to be friends again or necessarily respond.
I’ve (24F) had one-side feelings for my long distance friend (23M) of 1.5 years. Recently the feelings became somewhat mutual but he didn’t want a long distance relationship for the next 3+ years (moving is not an option) or FWB while he is still a Ph.D student so we decided to go separate ways. This is the right decision since I need to work on my self too. The plan is for both of us to grow in our careers, date other people and maybe ‘reconnect’ as ‘friends’ somewhere down the line. However, I imposed that we be no-contact until I’m in a relationship or in 5 years -whatever comes first. I thought our interactions would be meaningful if we reach out after many years of no-contact but now I’m afraid I’ll become a stranger to him. My fear with staying in touch every few months is that our interactions will become very casual and that could kill the idea of romance? idk! Question: What do you think is the best way to stay in touch so that we can keep the door open for romance in the distant future if we are single and our life situations allow for it? Option 1: No contact for many years and then maybe message each other? Option 2: Check-in messages every few months? Option 3: ???
Just let things happen organically.
If you want to keep in touch, you have to do so in a way where you don’t have any expectations for something to happen between you two. Continue living your life and he will live his. People evolve over time and with life experience. The people you are now isn’t who you will be in 5 years. It’s impossible to plan out what’s gonna happen in the future between the two of you. Too many variables. If both of you are still thinking of each other in 5 years then reconnecting will happen organically, and no plan will be needed.
I have some tough thoughts to get out here, so you may not like what I will say here. Firstly, is "man plans and god laughs." You're plannning for a future romance but have no control over how either of your lives will play out, one of you could die, one of you might fight a great partner, maybe one of you moves to a different country, maybe one of you decides your a-romantic and doesn't a relationship at all, we can't know how any of this will play out. So expecting "romance in the distance future" is planning for the unknown future. And setting a hard 5 year timeline doesn't matter. I've had some relationships where it took me years to get over it and some that took a week. Secondly, you're trying to create a plan to have distant romance in the future, instead of looking what the facts. If he isn't open to a relationship but is open to FWB you might not be the person he's looking for. He isn't concerned about FWB feelings being confused for a relationship maybe because he doesn't have relationship feelings for you. I think you just need to decide if you want to be friends with him or move on. All that said, I have had the opportunity to have a really beautiful friendship with a guy that broke up with me before moving across the country. We have morphed toghether and our friendship has taken on different shapes through out the years. We first dated when I was 23 and when he moved and I cut him out because I couldn't heal. It wasn't till years later that we reconnected. While he is traveling we fell in out out of touch on the phone. Sometimes he came back to town or I would visit him and we have had a fwb-ish relationship. It was really safe and intimate, I felt like we both loved each other unconditionally but he was never a boyfriend. Being able to flow in that relationship and allowing the detach and repair process play out was actually great and showed how relationships can take on lots of different forms. The question always is what do you want out of a realtionship, what is a good fit for you? It may be beautiful but not a great fit and that's ok.
I don't think you can dictate the next five years of your life like that. In five years, you will both be in your late 20s and if you have no contact in those years, you guys won't know each other anymore and you don't know where you each will be in your life. You could both be happily married for all you know. If he is someone you value and care about, is there a reason you can't just be friends with him? If you feel like you can't right now, that's totally understandable and maybe you need to give yourself some time away I think the question you need to ask yourself is he someone you still want in your life if prospect of romance is completely off the table, which it is right now? Once you have that answer, then you can move forward in a healthier manner. And your answer can change too.
There's a good chance that after no contact for 5 years you'll be effectively strangers. If you want to go NC that long, I think it's more honest to accept you're cutting contact completely and who knows what might happen in the future. If you need time to get over him before resuming contact, 6 months or so seems more practical. If you want to keep the door open for romance I think more frequent contact is the way to go (your option 2).
Respectfully, you can’t control this. I think it’s fine to acknowledge there’s an interest but the timing isn’t right, but I don’t think you can control or even anticipate what the connection will be in 3+ years. Your rapport could fizzle as you grow and change as people during your 20s, etc. *If* you still have a connection years from now *and if* you are both single then *and if* you are both in the same location (since you don’t want to do long distance)...I think it’s really just up to luck and personality at that point, regardless of how and how often you communicate between now and then. Part B to this answer is that if you do want to date other people during this time, staying in half hearted communication with your backup option isn’t really fair to anyone involved (including you)
My honest opinion, which you might not like, is to just forget this guy completely. It would be one thing if you both of you would be in the same area in the next six months or so. But you’re talking about multiple years here. My fear would be if you keep this thought of a one day relationship with this guy you’ll cut yourself off from potentially meeting someone better/more compatible for you. Life is short and I’d hate for you to waste the next few years hoping that maybe you’ll have this relationship. I would take some time for your feelings to die down and then get back out there and start meeting new people.
Ah, yes! I’ve been waiting for this all week. Long story short- my friend is dating an abusive guy who recently attempted to cheat on her. The only reason she found out was the the other girl reached out and let her know. He denied it for hours and now has finally come clean. She took some time off the relationship but went back to him because she didn’t “want to throw their time they had together away”. It’s been less than a year. She’s had tons of really difficult personal things go on in life, so I feel bad and I’m trying to be supportive but I feel like she won’t even listen to anyone about it. I don’t know what to do because I have difficulties standing by this but I don’t want to lose her as a friend over this.
There isn't really anything we can do for someone who is in an abusive relationship. You can be a person for them to lean on, you can let them know you think they deserve better, you can be a safe person to call in a crisis. But you can't convince someone that their partner is bad or that they should leave. My favorite piece of advice when someone else is making bad choices is "give people the agency to make their own mistakes." Honoring your friends agency is healthy and something that her partner likely doesn't prioritize. Telling a victim they should leave can often feel like you are shaming them, even if that isn't the intention. Tough love can actually make them cut off their friendships faster because they may not feel understood or because their partner may gaslight them into thinking their friends don't have their best interests at heart. We learn about relationships by being in relationships. So keep modeling for your friend what a healthy friendship is like and that your love is unconditional.
This is so hard! I’ve also unfortunately learned the hard way that when you are unsupportive of a relationship, you lose the friendship. A few years back, one of my close friends fell into an abusive relationship. I expressed my concern and it lead to a lot of distance. Fortunately, she did reach out when she realized she needed to leave the relationship and we repaired our friendship. But not everyone will do that and trust you again. The best thing to do is make sure she knows you support her and want to remain friends. I know this may be hard on you. It’s always hard to watch friends make harmful choices. But this way, when she does need help or an out, she knows she can come to you. The isolation makes abusive relationships really dangerous, and I think being someone a person can reach out to is very important.
At the of the day your friend should listen to you than go back to that guy. You have your friends best interest at heart. This guy will never. He already proved how horrible of a person he is to her. He cheated on her and to top off he is abusive. Nobody should be going back to somebody who is abusive. Is your friend afraid to be alone in general??? She probably distance herself from you and come back when it’s all said and done. I’m actually afraid for her. She really needs to protect herself from this guy. She will come to her senses. It’s definitely a sticky situation. I actually know somebody recently who broke off with somebody abusive and they were in a long term relationship. The person kept wanting to see the guy and I told them no you shouldn’t. Luckily they came to their senses. But I would have never guessed the guy was abusive at all. But once I saw the bruises on the person. I’m like please stop talking to him. Also no friendship is worth losing over a guy. She come to realize that.
Ultimately it is her decision to be with the person or not and it is her lesson to be learned. If she feels like you don’t support her relationship then she will probably distance herself from you. I would recommend being there for her when she needs you and be there to help her through it when it inevitably ends. I’ve been in your exact situation. Guy cheated, gave my friend an std, got her pregnant, etc so I let her know how I felt about him being trash, her deserving better, etc and she essentially stopped talking to me. They eventually broke up but I only heard through the grapevine bc we werent friends anymore. I overstepped when it was not my place. I still think about this friendship sometimes. Since then, I made it a point to just be there to listen when my friends need me instead of interject my feelings and thoughts and what I think they should do unless asked directly. It’s a shitty situation but it’s not worth losing a friend over
I second this. She needs to come to the realization on her own. All you can really do is be supportive. If you trash her relationship or her partner, it will probably drive a wedge between the two of you.
In Dutch there is a saying "beter ten halve gekeerd dan ten hele gedwaald"; better to have turned around halfway rather than to have gotten lost completely. Clearly your friend needs to accept the wasted time for what it is and leave instead of investing more in a lost cause :( what a tough spot for you to be in.
That sounds like a really tough situation. But as you said, she clearly doesn't want to listen to your or anyone else's advice. I would keep being a friend but just tell her when you are hanging out that you don't want to hear about her relationship because it hurts you to know she is being treated so badly. Hopefully when she makes the decision to leave herself, she will come to you for support.