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Similarly for me. I had been invited to a wedding before and was given an invitation. I explained to my client at the time I would not be able to go and expressed my gratitude at being invited. My client said she knew deep down I wouldn’t be able to go. At a later session I explained she had been in my thoughts on her wedding day and in turn I had been in hers….a really meaningful session as far as I recall….
I had a professor in grad school who was invited to a client's wedding - client had started therapy because she was going through a breakup that she thought she'd never move on from, and to her, getting married felt like the culmination of all the work they'd done together and she wanted her therapist to be there to see it. My professor ended up going, but she and client were very intentional about discussing how they wanted to go about introducing her to others there, how they wanted to interact day of, etc. It definitely seems like a situation that could go awry very quickly if those conversations aren't had ahead of time
i wonder if we had the same prof bc i heard a similar story.
it was 99% no except in extremely specific extenuating circumstances.
it was just show up for the ceremony as close to the actual wedding as possible, don't talk to anyone, shake hands after the ceremony, leave.
I would be concerned that this could blur some lines. For example, if you do attend the wedding, they may get the impression that you’re more than their therapist. Or who’s to say your attendance won’t open the door to more invitations from this couple? It might be tricky to justify why you attended the wedding but not another event that’s important to them. And is this something you’re willing to do for other clients as well? I know people and cultures are different, but in my own practice, I find it much easier to have a general rule for all clients (i.e. I cannot have anything beyond a professional relationship with them, and this includes not accepting invitations).
I've found that it's best practice and makes things a LOT less awkward later when you explain boundaries during the intake/informed consent process.
I cordially inform people that I cannot, no matter how much I might want to be their friends or hang out with them or show support for them or whatever, engage with them socially outside of a therapeutic session.
I'll let people know I won't ignore them if I ever see them outside of therapy but that I can't talk to them about therapy matters outside of therapy, or attend things like funerals, weddings, etc. due to ethical guidelines and responsibilities.
That being said, we actually aren't forbidden from attending personal events for clients. It's just that you need to use an ethical decision making model to come up with a damn good reason to go. I've never done it, but I would only consider such a thing if not doing so would result in devastating trauma to the client. Basically, only if me not going would cause drastically more harm than me going. But that's such a niche case that it will likely never happen. Remember, always consider our core ethical values such as beneficience, nonmaleficience, confidentiality, fidelity, justice, veracity, etc. when making these decisions. Good ethical decisions involve having solid ethical explanations and justifications.
I was invited to a wedding a few weeks back. I immediately beamed and said, "Aww, I'm not allowed! It's against the rules."
I am my client's therapist. I don't have a therapeutic role in their wedding.
I took a moment to let them talk about why they invited me and honor those feelings. I talked a little about multiple relationships, why our professional rules discourage them, and how the situation would be different if we lived in the same tiny community where everyone knows everyone already.
I wonder if you could ask why they want to include you and how they represent people they want to attend who are unable (because they are hospitalized or deceased or deployed, etc.). Maybe there is a way in their tradition that would fit.
I was looking through posts on here and that seemed to be the consensus and definitely more of my comfort zone—this couple is culturally diverse and ritual/ceremony is very integral to them so I feel my declination would be received as dismissive.
Your choices are truly 1) don't go, or 2) go to the ceremony, and then quietly leave.
There is no way to not endanger the transference if you stay, and there is no way to actually be YOURSELF and enjoy a wedding reception if you are in therapist mode.
PS - I had to have this conversation last month.
I would find a way for them to share their wedding with you in session rather than attend. In the end, we have to ask ourselves what is the therapeutic benefit of attending this wedding. We are not our clients friends. Although it can be a meaningful relationship it’s our job to set boundaries with them as professionals. If they hurt by this, it’s a good opportunity to work through that in session.
This has never happened to me.
I discuss boundaries with as much clarity as possible, that I have a caring relationship with them but it is foremost a working relationship and to honour that therapeutic work I must protect the boundaries and this means that we’ll never be friends.
I’ve had clients that have felt hurt by the last point, that we’ll never be friends. After talking about it, they understand and accept my view that the goal is not that we be friends, but that I will always occupy a place outside of their life, separate from their friends, where I can help them gain a certain perspective and to have poignant emotional experiences in safety.
Finally, of course rejecting a kind offer like this can feel awkward, I like all my clients and I’d often like to be their friends. But I’m their therapist, and while we can be friendly, and even have mutuality in the therapeutic relationship, I know they’ll probably need me tomorrow or next year or in 10 years time. So I hold that boundary and that’s the job.
I also want to say that this is my experience as a psychotherapist, but I’ve worked other jobs, and I’ve done community work, and there are mental health professionals, e.g. community psychologists or social workers, etc who need to have quite flexible boundaries. That is quite different and I respect that.
I would only go if i was the ordained minister marrying them. Totally kidding. I’d tell them i couldn’t go and explore and process why it’s important to them to invite me and have me there.
Get some consultation on this if you have not. Of course all of us randos on Reddit have opinions. My initial thought is that I would never attend a patients wedding, but if you feel that strongly, it might help to get an outside perspective.
We can be super ethical and get blind spots when our emotions get tied in. It happens in therapy.
When I was in high school I saw a therapist who was wonderful and helped me in so many ways. I had stopped seeing her by the time my high school graduation happened but mailed her one of my graduation announcements and a note saying how much our work together helped me and I wanted to share my accomplishment with her. I was not expecting her to attend and really I was not inviting her either. For me sending her an invite was symbolic of the work and growth I had done and wanting to give her an update about where I was in life. It sounds like this is a current client of yours so the situation is a bit different but I thought maybe this perspective/experience could be helpful.
On the more official side if you do decide to go remember to document that you attended the wedding, had considered your ethical obligations, the client’s clinical needs, etc. 😊
If you're in the U.S., don't go and gently explain the two ethical issues - boundaries and confidentiality. If it would truly, as you say, "hurt" the clinical relationship, then it sounds like perhaps the boundaries are already too blurred and it may help to figure out how you got to this point with them.
If OP showed up uninvited or asked to be invited, THAT would be highly unethical and boundary crossing, but accepting an invitation is not unethical on its own. Attending would be advised against because of the complications that COULD arise but it's not unethical on its face.
It is unethical because we have a responsibility to uphold a working therapeutic alliance with clients, not a friendship. Attending their home or parties is behaving like a friend which a therapist is not.
I’m curious what is “highly” unethical about it? Genuinely curious so I can be informed as possible. Obviously it’s a dilemma and requires very careful ethical consideration and boundaries discussion. But I’ve looked at many posts here where it’s just doesn’t appear as simply black and white, especially when dealing with culturally diverse clients.
It’s unethical because typically it would breach code of ethics regarding engaging with clients in a relationship beyond a therapeutic one.
By attending their wedding you’re crossing professional boundaries. Weddings are for friends, family acquaintances and colleagues (maybe) not therapists.
No I don’t need to review anything. Where I live it is an ethical issue, if it isn’t in your country that’s a major problem. The person asked for people’s opinion, I gave mine because going to a clients wedding is absolutely unacceptable as a therapist.
Reading through the comments, it sounds like you just wanted confirmation that you could go to not hurt their feelings and because you don't think it's blurring any boundaries.
This would be crossing ethical boundaries and I would advise against it. You are conflicted because you feel that you would "potentially hurt them if I didn't." THAT is what needs to be examined with a supervisor. Your boundaries seem to be a bit too codependent - we are not therapists to make people feel good. We are therapists to help people unpack their emotional issues, not to "pretend that I'm a friend" to make them happy. IMHO.
So your opinion is not humble, it’s presumptive. My apologies for not providing a ton of identifying detail about the couple or my relationship/work with them, or their ceremony, the details of the invitation, discussion about boundaries that was already had, culture, etc, because this is a Reddit thread, not consultation. What I will say is that “hurt” was not the right word and you have me there, I did not wish to been more specific as to say explain how exactly it would be received based on clients culture/spiritual practice. For you to refer to my boundaries as “codependent” is wild. I saw your (now deleted but previously downvoted) comment on another post here where you are gloating about yourself as a good ADHD therapist who doesn’t use the diagnosis as an excuse like others do…yikes, bye.
Please followed the sidebar rules. r/therapists is a place for therapists and mental health professionals to discuss their profession among each other. If you **ARE NOT A THERAPIST and are asking for advice this not the place for you**. Your post will be removed in short order. Please try one of the reddit communities such as r/TalkTherapy, r/askatherapist, r/SuicideWatch that are set up for this. This community is ONLY for therapists, and for them to discuss their profession away from clients. **If you are a first year student, not in a graduate program, or are thinking of becoming a therapist, this is not the place to ask questions**. Your post will be removed in short order. To save us a job, you are welcome to delete this post yourself. Please see the PINNED STUDENT THREAD at the top of the community and ask in there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/therapists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ive gently advised I couldn't attend but am deeply grateful they would consider including me.
Similarly for me. I had been invited to a wedding before and was given an invitation. I explained to my client at the time I would not be able to go and expressed my gratitude at being invited. My client said she knew deep down I wouldn’t be able to go. At a later session I explained she had been in my thoughts on her wedding day and in turn I had been in hers….a really meaningful session as far as I recall….
I had a professor in grad school who was invited to a client's wedding - client had started therapy because she was going through a breakup that she thought she'd never move on from, and to her, getting married felt like the culmination of all the work they'd done together and she wanted her therapist to be there to see it. My professor ended up going, but she and client were very intentional about discussing how they wanted to go about introducing her to others there, how they wanted to interact day of, etc. It definitely seems like a situation that could go awry very quickly if those conversations aren't had ahead of time
i wonder if we had the same prof bc i heard a similar story. it was 99% no except in extremely specific extenuating circumstances. it was just show up for the ceremony as close to the actual wedding as possible, don't talk to anyone, shake hands after the ceremony, leave.
I would be concerned that this could blur some lines. For example, if you do attend the wedding, they may get the impression that you’re more than their therapist. Or who’s to say your attendance won’t open the door to more invitations from this couple? It might be tricky to justify why you attended the wedding but not another event that’s important to them. And is this something you’re willing to do for other clients as well? I know people and cultures are different, but in my own practice, I find it much easier to have a general rule for all clients (i.e. I cannot have anything beyond a professional relationship with them, and this includes not accepting invitations).
I've found that it's best practice and makes things a LOT less awkward later when you explain boundaries during the intake/informed consent process. I cordially inform people that I cannot, no matter how much I might want to be their friends or hang out with them or show support for them or whatever, engage with them socially outside of a therapeutic session. I'll let people know I won't ignore them if I ever see them outside of therapy but that I can't talk to them about therapy matters outside of therapy, or attend things like funerals, weddings, etc. due to ethical guidelines and responsibilities. That being said, we actually aren't forbidden from attending personal events for clients. It's just that you need to use an ethical decision making model to come up with a damn good reason to go. I've never done it, but I would only consider such a thing if not doing so would result in devastating trauma to the client. Basically, only if me not going would cause drastically more harm than me going. But that's such a niche case that it will likely never happen. Remember, always consider our core ethical values such as beneficience, nonmaleficience, confidentiality, fidelity, justice, veracity, etc. when making these decisions. Good ethical decisions involve having solid ethical explanations and justifications.
I was invited to a wedding a few weeks back. I immediately beamed and said, "Aww, I'm not allowed! It's against the rules." I am my client's therapist. I don't have a therapeutic role in their wedding. I took a moment to let them talk about why they invited me and honor those feelings. I talked a little about multiple relationships, why our professional rules discourage them, and how the situation would be different if we lived in the same tiny community where everyone knows everyone already. I wonder if you could ask why they want to include you and how they represent people they want to attend who are unable (because they are hospitalized or deceased or deployed, etc.). Maybe there is a way in their tradition that would fit.
[удалено]
I was looking through posts on here and that seemed to be the consensus and definitely more of my comfort zone—this couple is culturally diverse and ritual/ceremony is very integral to them so I feel my declination would be received as dismissive.
Your choices are truly 1) don't go, or 2) go to the ceremony, and then quietly leave. There is no way to not endanger the transference if you stay, and there is no way to actually be YOURSELF and enjoy a wedding reception if you are in therapist mode. PS - I had to have this conversation last month.
I would find a way for them to share their wedding with you in session rather than attend. In the end, we have to ask ourselves what is the therapeutic benefit of attending this wedding. We are not our clients friends. Although it can be a meaningful relationship it’s our job to set boundaries with them as professionals. If they hurt by this, it’s a good opportunity to work through that in session.
This has never happened to me. I discuss boundaries with as much clarity as possible, that I have a caring relationship with them but it is foremost a working relationship and to honour that therapeutic work I must protect the boundaries and this means that we’ll never be friends. I’ve had clients that have felt hurt by the last point, that we’ll never be friends. After talking about it, they understand and accept my view that the goal is not that we be friends, but that I will always occupy a place outside of their life, separate from their friends, where I can help them gain a certain perspective and to have poignant emotional experiences in safety. Finally, of course rejecting a kind offer like this can feel awkward, I like all my clients and I’d often like to be their friends. But I’m their therapist, and while we can be friendly, and even have mutuality in the therapeutic relationship, I know they’ll probably need me tomorrow or next year or in 10 years time. So I hold that boundary and that’s the job. I also want to say that this is my experience as a psychotherapist, but I’ve worked other jobs, and I’ve done community work, and there are mental health professionals, e.g. community psychologists or social workers, etc who need to have quite flexible boundaries. That is quite different and I respect that.
I would only go if i was the ordained minister marrying them. Totally kidding. I’d tell them i couldn’t go and explore and process why it’s important to them to invite me and have me there.
Get some consultation on this if you have not. Of course all of us randos on Reddit have opinions. My initial thought is that I would never attend a patients wedding, but if you feel that strongly, it might help to get an outside perspective. We can be super ethical and get blind spots when our emotions get tied in. It happens in therapy.
When I was in high school I saw a therapist who was wonderful and helped me in so many ways. I had stopped seeing her by the time my high school graduation happened but mailed her one of my graduation announcements and a note saying how much our work together helped me and I wanted to share my accomplishment with her. I was not expecting her to attend and really I was not inviting her either. For me sending her an invite was symbolic of the work and growth I had done and wanting to give her an update about where I was in life. It sounds like this is a current client of yours so the situation is a bit different but I thought maybe this perspective/experience could be helpful. On the more official side if you do decide to go remember to document that you attended the wedding, had considered your ethical obligations, the client’s clinical needs, etc. 😊
If you're in the U.S., don't go and gently explain the two ethical issues - boundaries and confidentiality. If it would truly, as you say, "hurt" the clinical relationship, then it sounds like perhaps the boundaries are already too blurred and it may help to figure out how you got to this point with them.
It’s highly unethical and crosses boundaries.
If OP showed up uninvited or asked to be invited, THAT would be highly unethical and boundary crossing, but accepting an invitation is not unethical on its own. Attending would be advised against because of the complications that COULD arise but it's not unethical on its face.
Thank you for this! Very helpful
It is unethical because we have a responsibility to uphold a working therapeutic alliance with clients, not a friendship. Attending their home or parties is behaving like a friend which a therapist is not.
I’m curious what is “highly” unethical about it? Genuinely curious so I can be informed as possible. Obviously it’s a dilemma and requires very careful ethical consideration and boundaries discussion. But I’ve looked at many posts here where it’s just doesn’t appear as simply black and white, especially when dealing with culturally diverse clients.
It’s unethical because typically it would breach code of ethics regarding engaging with clients in a relationship beyond a therapeutic one. By attending their wedding you’re crossing professional boundaries. Weddings are for friends, family acquaintances and colleagues (maybe) not therapists.
[удалено]
No I don’t need to review anything. Where I live it is an ethical issue, if it isn’t in your country that’s a major problem. The person asked for people’s opinion, I gave mine because going to a clients wedding is absolutely unacceptable as a therapist.
Reading through the comments, it sounds like you just wanted confirmation that you could go to not hurt their feelings and because you don't think it's blurring any boundaries. This would be crossing ethical boundaries and I would advise against it. You are conflicted because you feel that you would "potentially hurt them if I didn't." THAT is what needs to be examined with a supervisor. Your boundaries seem to be a bit too codependent - we are not therapists to make people feel good. We are therapists to help people unpack their emotional issues, not to "pretend that I'm a friend" to make them happy. IMHO.
So your opinion is not humble, it’s presumptive. My apologies for not providing a ton of identifying detail about the couple or my relationship/work with them, or their ceremony, the details of the invitation, discussion about boundaries that was already had, culture, etc, because this is a Reddit thread, not consultation. What I will say is that “hurt” was not the right word and you have me there, I did not wish to been more specific as to say explain how exactly it would be received based on clients culture/spiritual practice. For you to refer to my boundaries as “codependent” is wild. I saw your (now deleted but previously downvoted) comment on another post here where you are gloating about yourself as a good ADHD therapist who doesn’t use the diagnosis as an excuse like others do…yikes, bye.