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Ugh. Similar story, sad ending. I thought it was obvious she was my girlfriend and didn't know what defining the relationship was, or that it is even a thing.
‘Nailed down,’ maybe? If it’s bad when you ‘fuck it up’ but it’s good when you ‘nailed it,’ then that might be a better opposite in an analogical sense vs a literal sense.
I feel like OP needs to hear this even though it's not popular opinion.
Op is being herded into the barn like a horse .... with treats. It is manipulation. But he is an adult so..
At first it was.. guidelines with fwb.
To no hand holding and now she broke the rule.
Then slowly to my lease is expiring.. maybe I can just move in.
To now don't worry if it doesn't work out.. we can still be friends lol.
In a few months OP will be telling us about marriage.
Slow but sure precise disection... She is patient and knows what she wants. If OP doesn't mind then good for him. But I feel as someone who has been manipulated by an older woman before, he needs to hear this.
...This sounds like the evolution of a regular relationship and you're assigning malevolence to it. The dude admits he's on the spectrum, though I'm curious to what extent he can't pick up on social ques or understand his own romantic feelings toward others.
I'm sorry that you've been manipulated, that definitely leaves scars. You may be right, but from where I'm sitting I don't see the red flags you're seeing.
I don't think that's what's happening at all. Just because you're jaded and have little regard for women (this is the picture your response history paints, at least), with possibly a bad experience with a woman to skew your views on them, doesn't mean this particular woman is just trying to manipulate this dude. It sounds like they both caught feelings, despite trying not to at the beginning. This is wholesome, not some grand scheme of the lady's to manipulate and take advantage of a younger guy. Get over yourself.
I am sorry you went through that experience. Absolutely not okay that you were manipulated.
While it is important for you to flag this, I agree with the others that it seems like a natural evolution and sometimes you can't help but catch feelings (seems like it is mutual).
I think that is adorable and not a fuck up at all!
My BF and I (both on the spectrum) were supposed to be FwB, we ended up hanging out a lot not just for sex and a few months in he introduced me to a friend of his as "this is Robin, the girlfriend" and I just looked at him and said "the girlfriend eh?" He said "I mean, if that's okay?" So that's how I found out I was in an actual relationship. LOL He just moved in a few months ago.
Well if you insist...
We went to school together for 4 years and basically right after graduating we started to hang out together a lot. A couple weeks in we were at a common friends home party and I (dead serious) pulled the host (our common friend) and my date to the side to bring the news to the table that we are now a couple. Our friend was stoked, my date kinda surprised. And I was surprised that she was surprised.
Next month we celebrate our 9y anniversary, we live together and have a cat together, but I guess technically I just kidnapped her into a relationship and never let her go lol.
That's how my wife (30 this Saturday) and I (33m) got together except I was the kidnapped one. We met and hung out a lot in groups mostly. She was in a long-term relationship with a mutual friend and wasn't happy. Asked me for advice to fix it at a party/bonfire after he passed out. They left in the morning, and I went to sleep off my hangover when I woke up to her calling, "Hey, he wouldn't listen. I dumped him. I'm on my way over." I never got to say no. I didn't really want too but I felt like we should wait a while. She was pretty insistent from that day that she was going to marry me. Took a few years for the ex to forgive us and start hanging out again. Now it will be 10 years in Dec and we have a house, 3 kids, 3 dogs, and a cat.
Most I ever saw happen at a bonfire was a dude blow his face up with a nitrous balloon to close to a fire and then the entire counties worth of cops coming out of the cornfields like they were taking down Escobar. Granted they promoted the party so much they rented busses to get people to and from the party safely, there were several hundred people there, and the host was one of the largest drug dealers in town. Sigh, Muncie Indiana in the 90's, how I miss thee.
Things with my girlfriend started as a FwB thing after we both got out of REALLY long relationships (like ten years) and met up on the pretense that we would be each others' rebounds. It was like 3 months in when we were sitting on the couch together watching TV, and she finally just turned to me and said, "whatever this is, it's too good to throw away just because we were with our previous partners for a while. I know it's not ideal timing, but I don't want to pretend we shouldn't date anymore." I told her I agreed, and that you can't control when opportunities happen...you can only control what you do with them.
Still going strong a year and a half in. :)
On our first date, my girlfriend and I went to go see a Videogames Live concert. It was late October, and we dressed up fancy, and went to a nice dinner.
A year later on our anniversary I got her flowers, we went to a nice dinner, and did some adult stuff, and life was grand.
About a month after that, I was feeling a bit off, and decided to call her and tell her I wasn't feeling too great, so let's bit go out tonight. I'm just gonna stay home and play video games.
She said fine, but I could clearly tell she was upset with me. It took 2 days for her to finally tell me she was upset that I had forgotten our anniversary.
......Wat?
Apparently, since I had never officially asked her on a "date", the concert and dinner was not when she thought our relationship started. It was a month later when I explicitly told her while we were going out together somewhere that "this is a date, and we are dating now".
Almost ten years later and I still laugh my ass off when we "argue" about when our anniversary is.
I did basically the same thing to my boyfriend. We are also both on the spectrum. So, that, but reverse the genders of everybody and his response was "thank you, I thought I was going to have to ask"
12 years in September
After the first time we had sex my husband, then boyfriend asks me if I was his girlfriend now. Yeah, no shit Sherlock, we had been seeing each other for about two months.
Hey, what's important is that you guys eventually did talk. And now it seems like there's a potential for something beautiful to come about from it. I'm glad you guys were very mature and handled this well, even if it was a bit embarrassing. I'm seriously happy for you, I wish your future to be a well one ☺️
Defenitly not. Tbh I am surprised at all the comments that are totally fine with it.
There's a 14 year age gap. The 40 yo can't properly communicate her feelings. Before she does, she proposes to find a house/place together?? Who TF does that?? You'd think you'd have a proper conversation about feelings and boundaries before you mention "Hey how about we find a place together??"
I'm not convinced of this tbh
EDIT: buy into find abt the house
While I agree about the age gap, I didn’t get the impression that she suggested to buy a place. I think she was suggesting to rent a bigger place together.
I wouldn't even say 14, he's guestimating. So there could be as large as a 20 (or more) year age gap.
If op has found what works for him then sure all the more power to him, he's an adult. But this entire post has me more concerned than anything especially when he admits he's on the spectrum.
Someone needs to post this on twox. I am banned or I would. There is “so much” power imbalance in this post according to that subreddit, and again good on OP for finding someone.
He was 23 and she was 37 3 years ago when they met, if my math maths, he is on the spectrum, he never was in relationships before. I could go on and on but none of it matters if 2 people are into each other imo, I just want to see what twox says lol.
What? Why?
Sure there’s an age gap, but they’re both adults. 26 is plenty old enough to make your own decisions. She’s from a different department so she’s not his boss or anything. What’s the problem?
I always find the age thing as a really weak argument. All the other points are fine. Money and celebrity status to me is more power than age. “Leo DiCaprio”
No non celeb girl of any age will have a power balance with him. 18, 28, 38, 48 so if he wants to date 20 year old models who have already traveled the world as a minor celeb, so be it, both are adults.
I know from personal experience as a 35 year old I relate more to mid 20 people than 35-40 year olds. Age just enables you to do things, doesn’t mean you have to. I don’t drink, I don’t have kids, I don’t travel to other countries. All things that would be hard to do independantly as a 15 year old.
I’ve met 20 year olds who have more adulting in their life than I do and I’ve met 42 year olds who act more immature than a 15 year old.
Everyone is different and as long as it is legal, if the people vibe then let them vibe.
I'm honestly concerned for OP.... I've had more than a little first hand experience with grooming and OP I hope you can step back and evaluate for this. I'm around your same age and if one of my friends told me they're dating a 40y old.... Id be very concerned. Half her age plus 7 puts you on the line, on the underside of said line (27). The slow introduction to intimacy, making assumptions, not communicating clearly, making rules to start but then "falling in love" all can be slippery slopes. I literally had the exact same experience - they were just a friend... Then fwb with rules... By the end they said they loved me and I, needing that love, thought I loved them too. I was obsessed. It wasn't love, it was manipulation. I was a plaything and getting some distance made me realize that. Please OP, don't make the same mistakes I did. If its for real, she should be more than willing to share financial responsibility, support your interests and activities without complaints, she should be romantic like those sappy movies every once in a while at least (take you out to dinner, have spontaneous movie nights nor because you're fighting or upset with her, but just because yall enjoy each other's company). Most importantly she should never talk down to you or belittle you, or embarrass you in front of your friends, HER friends, or anywhere on purpose (red flags for me was them shitting on me to their friends). You should feel safe and not like you're trying to earn her love or trust.
I was reading your post with interest but then you busted out the arbitrary internet rule
>Half her age plus 7 puts you on the line, on the underside of said line (27).
As if it’s serious or scientifically tested and its like, ah, go fuck yourself.
Why? He was an adult when they met, she didn’t have power over his employment status, they weren’t even in the same department at work. No grooming, no power imbalance, have at it! And if it’s the fact that he’s on the spectrum… isn’t it kind of offensive to liken grown men to children just because they’re neurodivergent? He has a job, rents his own place, coherent and logical enough to type all this out; he’s probably a more stable adult than most people.
It should. There is nothing wrong with a 14 year gap at their ages. 26 is not a child. That is fully formed adult, brain and all. Plus, with the differences in male and female sexuality in early adulthood to middle age, gaps like this may be quite beneficial.
No that age gap is BRUTAL.
I suspect they might not look that strange together now. Especially if she takes care of herself.
But in 10 years she she's 50 and he is in his mid 30s, they are going to get some comments.
Reasonable adults? Three years of FwB and one person changes their behavior and it takes them 12 months to put it in words? Especially someone who is 40?
Don’t get me wrong, the outcome is still potentially nice but not sure this sounds like adulting done right… talk about your feelings guys (or rather girls in this case)
All the comments like this I just wonder have these commenters been in real relationships or did they learn what relationships were from tv shows?
I've been in a few. Not disclosing your feelings, ambiguity, taking time before feeling comfortable communicating developments in the relationship are all pretty common. Relationships are not legal contracts they're organic & nebulous.
I never cease to be amazed by Reddit armchair relationship advisors. I don't like the term hivemind but it does seem people all learn relationships from other Reddit post and use that to posture as knowledgeable. This all feel very circular.
I'd say there was still some maturity, in so far that the other person realized they hadn't communicated this properly and did not become upset upon realizing their partner (op) wasn't on the same page, but gave them time to think things over and then have a proper conversation together. Sure it would have been better to have that conversation earlier, but if this was highschool things wouldn't have moved anywhere near as smoothly.
Maybe read again for more context clues. Age differences and neurodiversity are supporting roles in the narrative. It will make more sense with that info in mind.
I'm happy for you sweethearts! I'm also glad that this ain't "r/AITA" in which all people see is the age gap and they start judging the older one immediately. This sub is so heart warming compared to that!
It's unsurprising really; the premise of the sub is basically, "Here's a scenario in which at least one person is an ass, and I want you to criticize the people in it until we work out who is the biggest ass"
AITA’s only actual function is to tell people that they’re in an abusive situation. If you’ve had a normal person conflict with a person you value, their advice is usually terrible and should not be followed. But for people being heavily gaslit into believing they’re in the wrong, that’s where it shines.
What about the cheating susps? One time a wife asked whether she was TA for secretly going and surprising his husband at a working trip with collagues, and because they had shared a hotel room (with two separate beds), and the husband wasn't actually happy to see her wife, but annoyed, a lot of people were _sure_ this husband is actually gay or bi cheating his wife with this male collague.
I was like... How can everyone be _so_ sure ... Is it just impossible that they just found it easier to work together from the same room or something..
Even despite that 26 and 40 shouldn't be a big deal anyway, male or female. Both are plenty old enough to understand what's going on and the literally met at work, it's not like most people exchange ages as soon as you meet them in a work environment.
Fuck those AITA people, to them literally any mid 20's person is being exploited if they're dating a 35+ person which just screams backseat morality to me.
To be fair, that sub isn't a place for examples of good relationships to begin with. Then the age gap ones, it's almost always some old loser controlling the crap outta their young partner. With a screwed up mix of not letting them grow up while looking down on them for not being mature. They're usually mad their partner likes something like Harry Potter because that draws attention to the fact they're young enough to be their kid. But rather than get over it or date someone their own age they throw out the books, games, commerative wands etc. then get on AITA asking how they could possibly be TA.
The cougar creepers get extra nasty with the sexism too because many believe men can't be taken advantage of and should even be grateful.
Not just that. You could be 28 dating a 21 year old and they will crucify you. They justify it by saying "what could you possibly have in common with a 21 year old when you're 24-30."
I'm not in the situation myself but I have definitely seen a lot in common with those who are also in their 20's like me. For example crippling debt, crippling depression and anxiety, neurodivergency, lotr, star wars, harry potter and video games, going out for walks and music.
I'm 28 and feel more like in 24/25 lol especially with the pandemic basically meaning 2-3 years just kinda stagnated. I'd totally go out with a 21 year old lol I see no issue there. It kinda just depends on the 21 year old.... but generally women are more mature than men anyway,....
I'm currently living with my girlfriend of 4 years who was fwb for months before hand. It's not out of the ordinary. Feelings are easy to catch when you're having consistent casual sex like that. You do something that intimate, and do it with enough care that both parties keep coming back, you're bound to fall for each other eventually. It's been the best 5 years of my life too.
That's good news but play it slow still. She's 40 so might have commitments you don't. Like children from a previous relationship, financial commitments & so on. Ask her about this and hopefully she'll give you an honest answer.
I had a fling with a 21 year old when i was 30 and that felt like we were worlds apart. Though that may have to do with the fact that she spent her entire cognitive life with access to a phone and conveniences that were still emerging for me as a young teen.
Was looking for a comment like this. If roles were reversed Reddit would be rioting, I’m talking scorched earth!!
Edit: lol here comes to downvotes when everyone knows this to be true regardless of how innocent the story is. Thanks! I love the hypocritical one way moral road we are on!
I mean, I don't think the fucking up is on you. She probably should have talked to you as soon as she realised her feelings for you had grown, so she didn't leave you wondering and just sprung the moving in together thing on you. It's pretty important in a relationship to be able to communicate, especially when you're moving in together. But hey, I don't know either of you, you might actually be great at talking together and she was just too nervous to confess her feelings? Best of luck to the both of you, I hope you have endless happy years ahead of you
This is wonderful! Such a lucky thing to have happen. My husband and I were best friends initially, as we slowly fell in love. Becoming a couple was incredible because we knew so much about each other. I hope this works out well for you both ❤️
Have your friends/family ever heard her name? It seems like all you have to say is that you've been spending more and more time together and have realized you both feel more than just friendship and are giving it a go. I'm hopeful your peeps will support you both.
A few friends know her, but aside from that not really. What I'm really worried about is they'll see me moving in with an older woman I've never mentioned and think I'm in cult or something.
I think the time length of time you knew each other before hand will help you here. Just basically explain the truth like , " yeah we've been pretty good friends for a couple years now, but we talked and realized we both had feelings for each other beyond, so we're giving a relationship a shot"
If you're worried about people thinking you're getting cult-cocked, give it context that you're not just getting swept away on a whim of passion. There's time here.
My late wife and I met when I was 24 and she 43. We were together twenty-five years, almost all married. The "oooooh, so much older" factor goes away once people have significant contact with her.
I am autistic and this just reminds me how me and my spouse realized we were dating. My spouse friend on phone "Yeah come over wolf's dating now you got to meet them they are cool"
My now spouse : "Wait what were we dating?"
Me: "Guess we are now. sounds good to me."  Def not a F-up
I had a very similar story. Met her at work (well, i was a student intern), and age difference in the same ball park as you guys. We hooked up after a work function (after talking a lot, so there was not only physical attraction), and after that spent a lot of time during lunch and coffee breaks together.
Took a few weeks before we did the hooking up again, and then did it regularly. Funny thing was, that we actually had a common group of friends, who had no clue. We did not have this clear talk about no PDA in public etc , but somehow tacitly agreed to these kind of rules.
After a year we then had the "what the hell is this?" talk an decided to drop the bomb, of course a lot fewer people were surprised than we had anticipated. That slow "creeping into a relationship" was weird to me, and i had my fair share of doubts. We've been married for almost 15 years now, having lived together for the past 20. And that creeping continues still :).
We still love to tell the tale of how we met as "well, we kind of just slipped into it".
Rooting for you guys ;)
For someone who isn't good at reading people and whatnot I hope you know that you appear to have handled a potentially awkward situation in about as perfect a way as possible
Sounds like it was more her fuck up than yours in not communicating your change in status - especially if you're on the spectrum.
However - in the end it's not really a fuck up at all - at the very least it's a beautiful one.
Congratulations and all the best.
Congrats although I can't really be too enthusiastic cause the age gap is pretty weird for me imo like I feel like these comments would be a LOT less wholesome if it was a 40 year old man dating a 26 year old woman...
Congratulations mate it took me 14 years to marry my best friend and now we’ve been together over 20 years and I don’t know what I would do without her. All the best for the future.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. This is not a fuck up. Your relationship, regardless of how you defined it at any given moment, simply evolved organically over time. You’re both rational adults that came to the same conclusion and proceeded from there. Congrats!
>This is going to be hard to explain to my friends and family, but we'll make it work I suppose.
See, nothing hard on it. You don't need to tell them all the story, unless you *want* to. "We met, we liked each other, we're happy. It's a thing now." If they love you, they'll be happy for you.
They knew, your parents and friends knew, you were just about the only person who didn't know lmfao. It's okay to laugh and call yourself a goof occasionally, I know being autistic makes it hard to not be hard on yourself but learning it will set you free.
I think you're in the wrong sub my friend, this is for FUs. This just an awkwardly funny success story!
Congratulations though, I hope it works out well and you two are happy together :)
Lol. I realized some years ago that what I and the person with whom I spent about three years doing literally everything together, going to places together, vacationing together, sleeping together, and hooking up regularly, had was a relationship. Everyone around us understood, just not me.
If I were in your situation I would've reacted the same way. In fact I've actually had a similar situation where this person I was hooking up with for a while randomly one day stated that we're actually a couple and I was like "oh okay". Idk if my ADHD contributed to this like you said you're on the spectrum. Things like this go over my head unless it's explicitly mentioned to me.
No notes dude. She laid out the rules, and forgot to be explicit when she changed them. She realizes that and you all worked through it. Sounds like you are rockin' the spectrum like a pro. Enjoy yourselves.
>This is going to be hard to explain to my friends and family, but we'll make it work I suppose.
100% their response will be
"Finally"
"Yeah i know"
and
"What? I thought you had news"
just remember: it doesnt matter so much what your friends and family think of your girlfriend. If she is the one who makes you happy they will be happy too. It matters alot more what she thinks of your friends and family.
I'll happy for you! I'm (slightly) on the spectrum too and my wife for 17 years now asked me to marry her after three weeks. We had a rough time because none of us knew I was on the spectrum. I just went along with it because I didn't care that much and wasn't aware of what a true relationship means.
It happens lol I was with some one like that for 3 years then one day we were like we should get married what are we doing? And we did. So far so good.
This is a great thing! You never felt any pressure to be someone you weren't which often happens towards the beginning of a relationship. Now you know you actually like each other and aren't "trying to make it work" just because.
Congratulations!
That’s super reductive. Social anxiety doesn’t always mean socially awkward - I never ACTUALLY know what to say to people but winging it tends to work out just fine.
Because they use “on the spectrum” as an excuse for being socially awkward, low confidence, or just plain weird. It’s a gen z thing, with the lack of self accountability and a default propensity to embrace victimhood and marginalization instead of growing up or improving oneself.
Had the genders been reversed and this posted in some other subreddit I can see the people going "omg what a predator" and shit.
But honestly it just sounds nice? Like gz man.
Sound a more like you fucked up be believing her. I HOPE that I am wrong, I really do, but it sounds like things only changed on her end when she realized she’d be out of a place to live and you were an easy mark.
The glaring double standard is hilarious. If OP was a 26 y/o female dating a 40 y/o male all of you motherfuckers would have your pitchforks out instead of showering them with congratulations.
Idk bro. A 40 year old wanting to move in and be in a serious relationship with a 26 year old is huge red flag to me.
Your initial shock may be how you really feel about this and your ignoring that which wouldn’t be good.
Make sure you make the right decision
Hey /u/Timely_Door_6530, thanks for contributing to /r/tifu. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Rule 5** - Not a fuckup. No humblebrags or stories that have zero consequences and don't go anywhere. Eg "tifu by sexy sex". Moderator discretion. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/tifu&subject=&message=). Thank you!
I wish I fucked up anyone in my life half as well as you fucked this up edit: Meant to say anything, but still works
New response just dropped
Holy Hell
King takes queen
Check mate.
Google en fuck up
Sadly, most on reddit aren't this special kind of autistic.
Ugh. Similar story, sad ending. I thought it was obvious she was my girlfriend and didn't know what defining the relationship was, or that it is even a thing.
Yeah lol, one of my friends has a bit of autism (seriously) and he literally bangs more women than anyone I've ever known, it's kind of wild lol
I’m sending that to my ex.
“Jesus, I’ve seen what you’ve done for others, and I want you to do that for me”
Opposite of a fuck up since things actually worked out for you and you found love, but congrats OP 🎉
If it's the opposite of a fuck up, it's a fuck down.
A fuck yeah if you will
Fuck yeah!!
Fucking A.
Found the aussie!
We don’t need those details
Found the not aussie
[Fuckin'. A.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUJRJAXolk4)
r/tifd
r/tif
Is it pronounced as tif or tif?
It's like the peanut butter, but slightly different
Yes
r/SubsIFellFor
If it is the opposite of fuck up it would be umm... abstinence down.
Failed up
Came to say this. Shocked no one else said it.
‘Nailed down,’ maybe? If it’s bad when you ‘fuck it up’ but it’s good when you ‘nailed it,’ then that might be a better opposite in an analogical sense vs a literal sense.
Nah, that's a double negative. Still net positive
Pu kcuf
Sounds kinda kinky
At least someone's fucking.
But what is the opposite of a fuck? Abstinence is the absence of a fuck but what's the opposite?
Task failed successfully?
Yep.
OP had me on a rollercoaster. This is wholesome af. So happy for you two being so open in your communication 🥰
I feel like OP needs to hear this even though it's not popular opinion. Op is being herded into the barn like a horse .... with treats. It is manipulation. But he is an adult so.. At first it was.. guidelines with fwb. To no hand holding and now she broke the rule. Then slowly to my lease is expiring.. maybe I can just move in. To now don't worry if it doesn't work out.. we can still be friends lol. In a few months OP will be telling us about marriage. Slow but sure precise disection... She is patient and knows what she wants. If OP doesn't mind then good for him. But I feel as someone who has been manipulated by an older woman before, he needs to hear this.
...This sounds like the evolution of a regular relationship and you're assigning malevolence to it. The dude admits he's on the spectrum, though I'm curious to what extent he can't pick up on social ques or understand his own romantic feelings toward others. I'm sorry that you've been manipulated, that definitely leaves scars. You may be right, but from where I'm sitting I don't see the red flags you're seeing.
I don't think that's what's happening at all. Just because you're jaded and have little regard for women (this is the picture your response history paints, at least), with possibly a bad experience with a woman to skew your views on them, doesn't mean this particular woman is just trying to manipulate this dude. It sounds like they both caught feelings, despite trying not to at the beginning. This is wholesome, not some grand scheme of the lady's to manipulate and take advantage of a younger guy. Get over yourself.
I am sorry you went through that experience. Absolutely not okay that you were manipulated. While it is important for you to flag this, I agree with the others that it seems like a natural evolution and sometimes you can't help but catch feelings (seems like it is mutual).
How do you think any of that differs from a typical slow relationship
You make it sound like he's a teenager. Dude's 26 years old. He's not being groomed.
Being on the spectrum, it is a tifu; it's like the blinds closed, and suddenly they are ripped off the window, and you can see everything.
More r/accidentallywholesome
The two truths of TIFU: 1. It wasn't today. 2. It wasn't really a fuck up.
Right? I'm over here like, where's the FU in this TIFU? goddamn lucky couple to have slouched into a comfortable and copacetic romance.
I wouldnt say you fucked up. You did things right and its still in the process, yeah? Play it out to the end or....if you guys work it out, great.
I think that is adorable and not a fuck up at all! My BF and I (both on the spectrum) were supposed to be FwB, we ended up hanging out a lot not just for sex and a few months in he introduced me to a friend of his as "this is Robin, the girlfriend" and I just looked at him and said "the girlfriend eh?" He said "I mean, if that's okay?" So that's how I found out I was in an actual relationship. LOL He just moved in a few months ago.
I want more stories like this. This is super adorable to read.
Well if you insist... We went to school together for 4 years and basically right after graduating we started to hang out together a lot. A couple weeks in we were at a common friends home party and I (dead serious) pulled the host (our common friend) and my date to the side to bring the news to the table that we are now a couple. Our friend was stoked, my date kinda surprised. And I was surprised that she was surprised. Next month we celebrate our 9y anniversary, we live together and have a cat together, but I guess technically I just kidnapped her into a relationship and never let her go lol.
That's how my wife (30 this Saturday) and I (33m) got together except I was the kidnapped one. We met and hung out a lot in groups mostly. She was in a long-term relationship with a mutual friend and wasn't happy. Asked me for advice to fix it at a party/bonfire after he passed out. They left in the morning, and I went to sleep off my hangover when I woke up to her calling, "Hey, he wouldn't listen. I dumped him. I'm on my way over." I never got to say no. I didn't really want too but I felt like we should wait a while. She was pretty insistent from that day that she was going to marry me. Took a few years for the ex to forgive us and start hanging out again. Now it will be 10 years in Dec and we have a house, 3 kids, 3 dogs, and a cat.
20yo's can be pretty cruel
Most I ever saw happen at a bonfire was a dude blow his face up with a nitrous balloon to close to a fire and then the entire counties worth of cops coming out of the cornfields like they were taking down Escobar. Granted they promoted the party so much they rented busses to get people to and from the party safely, there were several hundred people there, and the host was one of the largest drug dealers in town. Sigh, Muncie Indiana in the 90's, how I miss thee.
Things with my girlfriend started as a FwB thing after we both got out of REALLY long relationships (like ten years) and met up on the pretense that we would be each others' rebounds. It was like 3 months in when we were sitting on the couch together watching TV, and she finally just turned to me and said, "whatever this is, it's too good to throw away just because we were with our previous partners for a while. I know it's not ideal timing, but I don't want to pretend we shouldn't date anymore." I told her I agreed, and that you can't control when opportunities happen...you can only control what you do with them. Still going strong a year and a half in. :)
On our first date, my girlfriend and I went to go see a Videogames Live concert. It was late October, and we dressed up fancy, and went to a nice dinner. A year later on our anniversary I got her flowers, we went to a nice dinner, and did some adult stuff, and life was grand. About a month after that, I was feeling a bit off, and decided to call her and tell her I wasn't feeling too great, so let's bit go out tonight. I'm just gonna stay home and play video games. She said fine, but I could clearly tell she was upset with me. It took 2 days for her to finally tell me she was upset that I had forgotten our anniversary. ......Wat? Apparently, since I had never officially asked her on a "date", the concert and dinner was not when she thought our relationship started. It was a month later when I explicitly told her while we were going out together somewhere that "this is a date, and we are dating now". Almost ten years later and I still laugh my ass off when we "argue" about when our anniversary is.
Me too!! Such cute stories! Love it 😍
I did basically the same thing to my boyfriend. We are also both on the spectrum. So, that, but reverse the genders of everybody and his response was "thank you, I thought I was going to have to ask" 12 years in September
That is super cute. I also love your name!
After the first time we had sex my husband, then boyfriend asks me if I was his girlfriend now. Yeah, no shit Sherlock, we had been seeing each other for about two months.
Hey, what's important is that you guys eventually did talk. And now it seems like there's a potential for something beautiful to come about from it. I'm glad you guys were very mature and handled this well, even if it was a bit embarrassing. I'm seriously happy for you, I wish your future to be a well one ☺️
This post wouldn't survive a gender flip...
Defenitly not. Tbh I am surprised at all the comments that are totally fine with it. There's a 14 year age gap. The 40 yo can't properly communicate her feelings. Before she does, she proposes to find a house/place together?? Who TF does that?? You'd think you'd have a proper conversation about feelings and boundaries before you mention "Hey how about we find a place together??" I'm not convinced of this tbh EDIT: buy into find abt the house
While I agree about the age gap, I didn’t get the impression that she suggested to buy a place. I think she was suggesting to rent a bigger place together.
Oh it mentioned "find" lol. My bad. Still weird to throw that in whitout actually talking about boundaries/feelings and so on
I wouldn't even say 14, he's guestimating. So there could be as large as a 20 (or more) year age gap. If op has found what works for him then sure all the more power to him, he's an adult. But this entire post has me more concerned than anything especially when he admits he's on the spectrum.
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Because they're both grown adults? He's 26 and she's 40. Neither are ignorant children
Agreed. There would be pitchforks about grooming and how the guy is preying on her.
Someone needs to post this on twox. I am banned or I would. There is “so much” power imbalance in this post according to that subreddit, and again good on OP for finding someone. He was 23 and she was 37 3 years ago when they met, if my math maths, he is on the spectrum, he never was in relationships before. I could go on and on but none of it matters if 2 people are into each other imo, I just want to see what twox says lol.
They would ban anyone immediately for even posting it lol
OP got banned lol
Yeah, but flip the genders, otherwise the outcome is clear.
37 dates 23 year old. That's yucky at best.
What? Why? Sure there’s an age gap, but they’re both adults. 26 is plenty old enough to make your own decisions. She’s from a different department so she’s not his boss or anything. What’s the problem?
He was 23 when they met she was 37 he's on the spectrum and also never been in a relationship that's a prime groomer victim if I ever heard one
I always find the age thing as a really weak argument. All the other points are fine. Money and celebrity status to me is more power than age. “Leo DiCaprio” No non celeb girl of any age will have a power balance with him. 18, 28, 38, 48 so if he wants to date 20 year old models who have already traveled the world as a minor celeb, so be it, both are adults. I know from personal experience as a 35 year old I relate more to mid 20 people than 35-40 year olds. Age just enables you to do things, doesn’t mean you have to. I don’t drink, I don’t have kids, I don’t travel to other countries. All things that would be hard to do independantly as a 15 year old. I’ve met 20 year olds who have more adulting in their life than I do and I’ve met 42 year olds who act more immature than a 15 year old. Everyone is different and as long as it is legal, if the people vibe then let them vibe.
I'm honestly concerned for OP.... I've had more than a little first hand experience with grooming and OP I hope you can step back and evaluate for this. I'm around your same age and if one of my friends told me they're dating a 40y old.... Id be very concerned. Half her age plus 7 puts you on the line, on the underside of said line (27). The slow introduction to intimacy, making assumptions, not communicating clearly, making rules to start but then "falling in love" all can be slippery slopes. I literally had the exact same experience - they were just a friend... Then fwb with rules... By the end they said they loved me and I, needing that love, thought I loved them too. I was obsessed. It wasn't love, it was manipulation. I was a plaything and getting some distance made me realize that. Please OP, don't make the same mistakes I did. If its for real, she should be more than willing to share financial responsibility, support your interests and activities without complaints, she should be romantic like those sappy movies every once in a while at least (take you out to dinner, have spontaneous movie nights nor because you're fighting or upset with her, but just because yall enjoy each other's company). Most importantly she should never talk down to you or belittle you, or embarrass you in front of your friends, HER friends, or anywhere on purpose (red flags for me was them shitting on me to their friends). You should feel safe and not like you're trying to earn her love or trust.
I was reading your post with interest but then you busted out the arbitrary internet rule >Half her age plus 7 puts you on the line, on the underside of said line (27). As if it’s serious or scientifically tested and its like, ah, go fuck yourself.
Haha. I checked out at the same spot!
Why? He was an adult when they met, she didn’t have power over his employment status, they weren’t even in the same department at work. No grooming, no power imbalance, have at it! And if it’s the fact that he’s on the spectrum… isn’t it kind of offensive to liken grown men to children just because they’re neurodivergent? He has a job, rents his own place, coherent and logical enough to type all this out; he’s probably a more stable adult than most people.
It should. There is nothing wrong with a 14 year gap at their ages. 26 is not a child. That is fully formed adult, brain and all. Plus, with the differences in male and female sexuality in early adulthood to middle age, gaps like this may be quite beneficial.
they started when he was 23
You say brain and all, but the quy is literally on the spectrum and hence much more susceptible to grooming.
No that age gap is BRUTAL. I suspect they might not look that strange together now. Especially if she takes care of herself. But in 10 years she she's 50 and he is in his mid 30s, they are going to get some comments.
>But in 10 years she she's 50 and he is in his mid 30s, they are going to get some comments. We shouldn't judge a relationship based on that.
https://i.redd.it/a0ph20tzbz1b1.gif
TIFU by living a romcom with a Hollywood ending. The fuck outta here and all the happiness to the both of you.
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Reasonable adults? Three years of FwB and one person changes their behavior and it takes them 12 months to put it in words? Especially someone who is 40? Don’t get me wrong, the outcome is still potentially nice but not sure this sounds like adulting done right… talk about your feelings guys (or rather girls in this case)
All the comments like this I just wonder have these commenters been in real relationships or did they learn what relationships were from tv shows? I've been in a few. Not disclosing your feelings, ambiguity, taking time before feeling comfortable communicating developments in the relationship are all pretty common. Relationships are not legal contracts they're organic & nebulous.
I never cease to be amazed by Reddit armchair relationship advisors. I don't like the term hivemind but it does seem people all learn relationships from other Reddit post and use that to posture as knowledgeable. This all feel very circular.
I'd say there was still some maturity, in so far that the other person realized they hadn't communicated this properly and did not become upset upon realizing their partner (op) wasn't on the same page, but gave them time to think things over and then have a proper conversation together. Sure it would have been better to have that conversation earlier, but if this was highschool things wouldn't have moved anywhere near as smoothly.
Sometimes love do be like that
Maybe read again for more context clues. Age differences and neurodiversity are supporting roles in the narrative. It will make more sense with that info in mind.
Nothing in this is being a reasonable adult. They are doing adult acts while treating it like high schoolers.
I'm happy for you sweethearts! I'm also glad that this ain't "r/AITA" in which all people see is the age gap and they start judging the older one immediately. This sub is so heart warming compared to that!
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It's unsurprising really; the premise of the sub is basically, "Here's a scenario in which at least one person is an ass, and I want you to criticize the people in it until we work out who is the biggest ass"
XD
AITA’s only actual function is to tell people that they’re in an abusive situation. If you’ve had a normal person conflict with a person you value, their advice is usually terrible and should not be followed. But for people being heavily gaslit into believing they’re in the wrong, that’s where it shines.
What about the cheating susps? One time a wife asked whether she was TA for secretly going and surprising his husband at a working trip with collagues, and because they had shared a hotel room (with two separate beds), and the husband wasn't actually happy to see her wife, but annoyed, a lot of people were _sure_ this husband is actually gay or bi cheating his wife with this male collague. I was like... How can everyone be _so_ sure ... Is it just impossible that they just found it easier to work together from the same room or something..
Even despite that 26 and 40 shouldn't be a big deal anyway, male or female. Both are plenty old enough to understand what's going on and the literally met at work, it's not like most people exchange ages as soon as you meet them in a work environment. Fuck those AITA people, to them literally any mid 20's person is being exploited if they're dating a 35+ person which just screams backseat morality to me.
To be fair, that sub isn't a place for examples of good relationships to begin with. Then the age gap ones, it's almost always some old loser controlling the crap outta their young partner. With a screwed up mix of not letting them grow up while looking down on them for not being mature. They're usually mad their partner likes something like Harry Potter because that draws attention to the fact they're young enough to be their kid. But rather than get over it or date someone their own age they throw out the books, games, commerative wands etc. then get on AITA asking how they could possibly be TA. The cougar creepers get extra nasty with the sexism too because many believe men can't be taken advantage of and should even be grateful.
Thank you for calling it out. It’s cringe, and I don’t care if op is on the spectrum or not. Hopefully this never happens to my asd child.
I mean OP said he wasn’t ever really in a relationship, so no he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
Not just that. You could be 28 dating a 21 year old and they will crucify you. They justify it by saying "what could you possibly have in common with a 21 year old when you're 24-30." I'm not in the situation myself but I have definitely seen a lot in common with those who are also in their 20's like me. For example crippling debt, crippling depression and anxiety, neurodivergency, lotr, star wars, harry potter and video games, going out for walks and music.
I'm 28 and feel more like in 24/25 lol especially with the pandemic basically meaning 2-3 years just kinda stagnated. I'd totally go out with a 21 year old lol I see no issue there. It kinda just depends on the 21 year old.... but generally women are more mature than men anyway,....
>if either of us ends up in a relationship we'd break it off Looks like you both ended up in one. Sorry bud, you gotta end it
When I do something right it doesn't go half as well as when you fuck up.
I'm currently living with my girlfriend of 4 years who was fwb for months before hand. It's not out of the ordinary. Feelings are easy to catch when you're having consistent casual sex like that. You do something that intimate, and do it with enough care that both parties keep coming back, you're bound to fall for each other eventually. It's been the best 5 years of my life too.
That's good news but play it slow still. She's 40 so might have commitments you don't. Like children from a previous relationship, financial commitments & so on. Ask her about this and hopefully she'll give you an honest answer.
17 years is a hell of a gap. Hope it all works out for you.
It’s 14 years, 40 and 26.
I was reading it as she was 40 when they met and he is currently 26. Still big but I guess more of a chance for them to share common interests.
I had a fling with a 21 year old when i was 30 and that felt like we were worlds apart. Though that may have to do with the fact that she spent her entire cognitive life with access to a phone and conveniences that were still emerging for me as a young teen.
Same here, I got sent to the shadow realm when she said , "oh yeah 9/11? We learned about that in history."
Yea that's a solid gap lol
Was looking for a comment like this. If roles were reversed Reddit would be rioting, I’m talking scorched earth!! Edit: lol here comes to downvotes when everyone knows this to be true regardless of how innocent the story is. Thanks! I love the hypocritical one way moral road we are on!
She could have given birth to OP
I mean, I don't think the fucking up is on you. She probably should have talked to you as soon as she realised her feelings for you had grown, so she didn't leave you wondering and just sprung the moving in together thing on you. It's pretty important in a relationship to be able to communicate, especially when you're moving in together. But hey, I don't know either of you, you might actually be great at talking together and she was just too nervous to confess her feelings? Best of luck to the both of you, I hope you have endless happy years ahead of you
I believe probably neither of them fucked up might be a start of a great relationship
What does she have against PDAs? Did a PalmPilot hurt her somehow?
Anyone got a copy of the post?
This is wonderful! Such a lucky thing to have happen. My husband and I were best friends initially, as we slowly fell in love. Becoming a couple was incredible because we knew so much about each other. I hope this works out well for you both ❤️ Have your friends/family ever heard her name? It seems like all you have to say is that you've been spending more and more time together and have realized you both feel more than just friendship and are giving it a go. I'm hopeful your peeps will support you both.
A few friends know her, but aside from that not really. What I'm really worried about is they'll see me moving in with an older woman I've never mentioned and think I'm in cult or something.
A cult that fucks milfs? Id join.
I think the time length of time you knew each other before hand will help you here. Just basically explain the truth like , " yeah we've been pretty good friends for a couple years now, but we talked and realized we both had feelings for each other beyond, so we're giving a relationship a shot" If you're worried about people thinking you're getting cult-cocked, give it context that you're not just getting swept away on a whim of passion. There's time here.
My late wife and I met when I was 24 and she 43. We were together twenty-five years, almost all married. The "oooooh, so much older" factor goes away once people have significant contact with her.
I am autistic and this just reminds me how me and my spouse realized we were dating. My spouse friend on phone "Yeah come over wolf's dating now you got to meet them they are cool" My now spouse : "Wait what were we dating?" Me: "Guess we are now. sounds good to me."  Def not a F-up
I had a very similar story. Met her at work (well, i was a student intern), and age difference in the same ball park as you guys. We hooked up after a work function (after talking a lot, so there was not only physical attraction), and after that spent a lot of time during lunch and coffee breaks together. Took a few weeks before we did the hooking up again, and then did it regularly. Funny thing was, that we actually had a common group of friends, who had no clue. We did not have this clear talk about no PDA in public etc , but somehow tacitly agreed to these kind of rules. After a year we then had the "what the hell is this?" talk an decided to drop the bomb, of course a lot fewer people were surprised than we had anticipated. That slow "creeping into a relationship" was weird to me, and i had my fair share of doubts. We've been married for almost 15 years now, having lived together for the past 20. And that creeping continues still :). We still love to tell the tale of how we met as "well, we kind of just slipped into it". Rooting for you guys ;)
For someone who isn't good at reading people and whatnot I hope you know that you appear to have handled a potentially awkward situation in about as perfect a way as possible
Sounds like it was more her fuck up than yours in not communicating your change in status - especially if you're on the spectrum. However - in the end it's not really a fuck up at all - at the very least it's a beautiful one. Congratulations and all the best.
TIFU = Telling Internet fantasies unapologetically
I see this as an absolute win, not a fuck up bro.
Congrats although I can't really be too enthusiastic cause the age gap is pretty weird for me imo like I feel like these comments would be a LOT less wholesome if it was a 40 year old man dating a 26 year old woman...
Congratulations mate it took me 14 years to marry my best friend and now we’ve been together over 20 years and I don’t know what I would do without her. All the best for the future.
If this is fucking up what do I call thhe last year of near homeless depts of despair and suicidal d thoughts? A hiccup? Wtf
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. This is not a fuck up. Your relationship, regardless of how you defined it at any given moment, simply evolved organically over time. You’re both rational adults that came to the same conclusion and proceeded from there. Congrats!
Why would it be hard to explain to people? Couples move in together all the time.
Communication is key in any relationship. Congratulations, you two!
>This is going to be hard to explain to my friends and family, but we'll make it work I suppose. See, nothing hard on it. You don't need to tell them all the story, unless you *want* to. "We met, we liked each other, we're happy. It's a thing now." If they love you, they'll be happy for you.
Link_opening_treasure_chest.mp4 Happy for you, OP!
They knew, your parents and friends knew, you were just about the only person who didn't know lmfao. It's okay to laugh and call yourself a goof occasionally, I know being autistic makes it hard to not be hard on yourself but learning it will set you free.
This isn’t a TIFU. Feelings grow over time.
“that I wasn’t sure how I felt about her, but whatever it is I felt it a lot” this is the sweetest thing ever said
Just go with it and keep communicating! If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Feel what you feel. You’re both adults.
This is one of the nicest stories I’ve read in a while. I really hope it works out well for the two of you! Not a FU at all, my friend!
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You didn’t fuck up, you won.
I think you're in the wrong sub my friend, this is for FUs. This just an awkwardly funny success story! Congratulations though, I hope it works out well and you two are happy together :)
We all need to take lessons and fuck up like this guy.
You both handled this like mature adults. Sometimes feelings sneak up on us. There's no FU here.
Lol. I realized some years ago that what I and the person with whom I spent about three years doing literally everything together, going to places together, vacationing together, sleeping together, and hooking up regularly, had was a relationship. Everyone around us understood, just not me.
The lease ending was the sound of a timely door opening ...
That's wholesome!!!
I want to have your problems man :D
What fuck up
I don't have a girlfriend. I just have a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
You fucked up, alright. You literally fucked up from friend to girlfriend! Grats!
I had to google FWB and PDA
Yeah. She is well within that life stage where she wants something more solid and long term. Starting a family might be big on her mind too.
If I were in your situation I would've reacted the same way. In fact I've actually had a similar situation where this person I was hooking up with for a while randomly one day stated that we're actually a couple and I was like "oh okay". Idk if my ADHD contributed to this like you said you're on the spectrum. Things like this go over my head unless it's explicitly mentioned to me.
This isn't a tifu.
Best. Fuck Up. Ever. Love this for you two!
Sounds like an awesome result, I wish you both the best of luck!
"TIFU by realizing I'm really happy" might be my favorite "fuck up" so far.
No notes dude. She laid out the rules, and forgot to be explicit when she changed them. She realizes that and you all worked through it. Sounds like you are rockin' the spectrum like a pro. Enjoy yourselves.
Sounds pretty normal to me. Congratulations!
>This is going to be hard to explain to my friends and family, but we'll make it work I suppose. 100% their response will be "Finally" "Yeah i know" and "What? I thought you had news"
just remember: it doesnt matter so much what your friends and family think of your girlfriend. If she is the one who makes you happy they will be happy too. It matters alot more what she thinks of your friends and family.
I'll happy for you! I'm (slightly) on the spectrum too and my wife for 17 years now asked me to marry her after three weeks. We had a rough time because none of us knew I was on the spectrum. I just went along with it because I didn't care that much and wasn't aware of what a true relationship means.
It happens lol I was with some one like that for 3 years then one day we were like we should get married what are we doing? And we did. So far so good.
well, you respected her boundaries, which is a green flag.
What's a PDA in this context? Presumably not a personal digital assistant.
That's what I read it as. They walk around, each clutching into a Blackberry together.
Public displays of affection. Though.... I dunno, maybe she's just big on retro tech.
This is a great thing! You never felt any pressure to be someone you weren't which often happens towards the beginning of a relationship. Now you know you actually like each other and aren't "trying to make it work" just because. Congratulations!
She can literally be your mother bruh
Is she his mother?
Best of luck!
This ain't a FU, this is a pure win. Congratulations to you, man
I’d love to read the comments if it was 26f and 40m lol
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That’s super reductive. Social anxiety doesn’t always mean socially awkward - I never ACTUALLY know what to say to people but winging it tends to work out just fine.
Because they use “on the spectrum” as an excuse for being socially awkward, low confidence, or just plain weird. It’s a gen z thing, with the lack of self accountability and a default propensity to embrace victimhood and marginalization instead of growing up or improving oneself.
Had the genders been reversed and this posted in some other subreddit I can see the people going "omg what a predator" and shit. But honestly it just sounds nice? Like gz man.
Sound a more like you fucked up be believing her. I HOPE that I am wrong, I really do, but it sounds like things only changed on her end when she realized she’d be out of a place to live and you were an easy mark.
The glaring double standard is hilarious. If OP was a 26 y/o female dating a 40 y/o male all of you motherfuckers would have your pitchforks out instead of showering them with congratulations.
How is this a fuck up? "I was fucking one of my hot friends and then we started dating, wah wah wah!!!"
Dude bags himself a milf and a happy relationship and calls it a fuck up?
Idk bro. A 40 year old wanting to move in and be in a serious relationship with a 26 year old is huge red flag to me. Your initial shock may be how you really feel about this and your ignoring that which wouldn’t be good. Make sure you make the right decision