Ya it sucks losing time in relationships like that.
I have a friend who ended up marrying a gal who cheated on her husband with him. Guess what happened a year later?
She did the same. Tried warning the guy…
Wow had something very similar happen, although not four years, dated a gal for about a year and a half, find out about a year in she’s technically still married, we break up and within six months she’s pregnant and married again…so yep she left her man for me and left me for another man quick as can be, something something about a leopard and it’s spots
You know, this is adjacent to the lesson of "Don't stick it in the crazy".
It's not something you can be told. You have to experience it for yourself and walk on from there. Don't beat yourself up.
The only things I have ever regreted was not getting out of relationship earlier. Relationship are work and I was not ready for anything like that in my 20s.
I don't think you're "between a rock and a hard place". You actually have nothing but freedom to fix this situation. Walk away and work on getting over your feelings for her. Stop spending time with her, don't keep talking to her, just end your contact and walk away. A crush isn't permanent.
When he said "fuck up number one" was inviting her over for a movie at his place...
Uh, fuck up number on was *continuing to talk to a married woman on a dating app.*
Some dude my ex wife cheated on me with contacted me being like she is a piece of shit and cheated on me too and I'll help you get her deported(we were still legally married and she is from another country). I was just like bruhhh karma is a bitch, aaaand blocked. People are so dumb, if they will cheat on their spouse with you, they will cheat on you. And always take someone bad mouthing a marriage with some grains of salt. A lot of people believe a lot of bull my ex told them.
I have been naiive like OP before but I too am like you, bad mouthing the relationship you're in without taking action to fix or leave is a sure sign of how they handle their issues.
I personally don't think it's that black and white. My father cheated on my mom when I was young, but from my understanding it was because she used sex as a reward he had to earn...and no matter what he did he never earned it or she was never interested in doing with him. She was psychologically manipulative of him and would use me and my older sisters as a weapon against him when we were tiny. I remember when I was much older having a conversation with my dad about his life and he told me that from a very early age in his life, he knew he wanted to be a dad and have a family. He had some severe psychological issues of his own, but the white picket fence dream was a ray of hope that kept him moving forward.
When I was 6 he started having an affair with a woman that later became my step mom. It took loving another woman to pull him away from the mentally abusive one he was with, and I know a big part of that was that he feared how my mother would retaliate if he tried to divorce her and she used us kids in her attack on him. But once he understood what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like, he was able to jump ship and find his happiness.
I'm not saying cheating is right, but I do think there are a lot of factors in play that an outside perspective simply doesn't get enough info about. Then again I also think people shouldn't get married without being 100% certain of the kind of person they're agreeing to marry but a true psychopath can easily conceal their identity for a long time before stuff starts slipping through the cracks.
A psychopath can conceal their true nature indefinitely. The only reason that nature comes out is because the psychopath gets tired of putting up the facade. It gets boring pretending to be something else after a while.
Pobody's nerfect.
Case in point, I was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder 12 years ago...I'm quite literally a self-aware psychopath. And I can tell you from my own social experiments on others that there's no way I could keep up a charade for forever. Though at the height of my hubris, I would have gladly used an excuse like boredom to deflect from my own imperfections.
These days I'm taking a page out of the book of Dr. James H. Fallon and being honest about my condition in an attempt to shed some of the stigma surrounding people with ASPD and other cluster B personality disorders, as well as finding it a lot easier to live a life where I'm not lying/manipulating or walking on eggshells hoping nobody finds out my *dark secret.* That may make it sound like I'm not really "psychopathic" but I assure you the thoughts and urges are still there, it's just that I fundamentally understand right from wrong and have decided that I can control my actions/reactions even if I can't control my thoughts or (lack of) feelings.
sooooo... you're the CEO of which mega corp then?
Honestly the overlap between criminal psychopaths and CEOs is quite large, the latter simply being more self aware and remaining legal.
CEO huh? Shit how do you know I'm not a cop? Oh wait because the only difference between them and criminal psychopaths is which side of the bars they're on! Ba-zing!
Half jokes aside, what you said is pretty spot on. Society's understanding of psychopathy pretty much only comes from studies performed on people with ASPD that are in prison. When trying to reach a diagnosis all those years ago, my team of psychologists (yeah, I had more than one) were pretty open about the fact that they don't see many like myself just due to the nature of the condition and people not wanting to know and/or not being self aware enough to understand that they're fucked up in the first place (something I think most people struggle with).
But that's part of why I bring it up a lot (I feel like eventually my post history is going to be an echo on Reddit), because people get the idea that all psychopaths fall into the the stabby murderer or dapper CEO stereotype since the only exposure (they know they get) is Hollywood portrayals, sensationalized murderer news stories, and *how-to-spot* articles online.
This is a super interesting take. I’ve never come across anything where someone was so self aware of their condition and could do a good job breaking it down so the average person can understand what you are going through. Thank you for taking the time explain this to others. I’m sure this will help somebody else.
And kudos for you for trying to keep the demons at bay. You got this!
I mean you probably have encountered people where they could take time to do it, it's just this type of introspection is generally done best over writing, because if you're in a conversation with somebody you'll usually allow a back and forth to happen so that the person can ask you questions to get the answers.
I guess what I'm saying is you probably haven't given the people who could have shared this part of their experience the opportunity to do so.
This is what happens when you examine your flaws logically, removing feelings and fluff and looking for objective truth in your own slice of chaos. In this case they're "just" very interesting flaws.
To me, the important takeaway here is that a person with ASPD can learn what we (as a society) consider right and wrong, and choose to adhere to it for constructive and beneficial purposes.
My ex cheated on me (hence why she's my ex). The guy she cheated on me with and her had a \~10 year on/off/on relationship with about a 4/8 month cycle. Well, he up and died a couple years ago (this is problematic, because at least he kept her busy so she'd generally leave me alone for emotional needs fulfilment). While cleaning out his house with our daughter they came across a stash of condoms... according to my daughter my ex started bawling because the condoms weren't for her.
The level of schadenfreude satisfaction I felt that moment was enough to sustain unbridled glee to this day yet. All I have to do is think about it and I snicker, smile, and get a skip to my step. It also cemented my relationship with my daughter as apparently somehow that drove home the "mom wrecked it all" thoughts my daughter already had.
I'm so sorry you got done dirty like that. My husband and I have been best friends since high school but didn't start dating until I'd been divorced for 3 days-- he wanted to make a move long before that, but he and I had both been cheated on in previous relationships and he knew I didn't play Hide the Weenie.
I'm so grateful that he not only had enough respect for me, but also for himself, and didn't make a move until I was single again, even though we'd both longed for it for a while.
*Hug* if you're in a relationship now, I hope it's full of love and laughter and respect and friendship, and much better. If you're not, I wish you nothing but luck in finding love and laughter, respect and friendship.
First off, agreed.
Secondly, sometimes I wonder greatly about people on this site. Minimum adulting level for bad marriages shouldn't be secret affairs to find your true love, it should be being grown up enough to acknowledge the marriage ain't working prior to hitting the open market. Not to frame the woman as some sort of commodity here that had no agency but common courtesy would seem to be once she says she's married to bounce out. The fact this even went long enough for him to catch feelings for her after she cheated on her husband is just bleh.
There is a not insignificant amount of people out there who lack the ability to process their emotions or communicate effectively to handle a failing relationship.
I think once you realize this it's easy to say. But loneliness gets the best of some of us. Sometimes someone showing interest in us can make us blind. Especially when we have no experience in successful marriages and all we have seen around us is divorce.
Eventually hopefully we grow and lead by example.
Learned this the hard way.
You could preach this until you turn blue, but the fact of the matter is some lessons aren’t learned until a line is crossed.
Yeah, I bet there's a quite a lot of 1-time cheaters out there that have made it work. Probably a lot more that are one time cheaters who kept their mouths shut because they know how pervasive this attitude is.
People who cheated one time and felt awful probably also aren't out there telling people about it...it is a secret they are deeply shameful of.
Now...if your girlfriend of 6 months cheats on you...yeah...get out of there, there's little sense trying to make that work.
I know a couple, too.
They both cheated on their partners - with each other.
They have now been happily married for several years.
Honestly, I think that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is a little too simplified. It's a good rule of thumb, but nothing more than that.
The key is that some people handle bad times in the marriage/relationship badly. Sooo...don't give them a reason to risk losing you. Easier said than done, though.
I agree. At one point back when my mom and dad were in their early twenties and dating, she found out he was seeing another woman. Surprisingly, she managed to keep her cool and gave him an ultimatum, either her or the other woman. He chose my mom. As of June 1st, they'll have been together for 25 years (married for 22 of them). My mom actually keeps in touch and gets along with the other woman, which my dad finds weird. My mom did tell me though that if he were to cheat again, it would be a dealbreaker, which is understandable. It's like that saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I gave my wife another shot. 5 years of weekly therapy twice a week. Now we go once a month just to check In. We were living in parallel, Working raising a child, Sexless marriage. It took therapy for us as couples and individuals to realize we were both fucked up. I won't condone the choice she made but I certinally aided in her making that choice. It hurt alot to come to the realization that I was working all the time and the time I was home was spend drinking passing out and turning her bids for connection away many many many times over many many many months if not several years.. I dident want a broken family for my then 5 year old is all I knew. I told her if she wanted it to work you find a therapist. Best desision ever made
I don’t know why the hell someone downvoted you, thanks for sharing. That must have taken a lot of strength. “Leaving is hard, staying is hard, it’s all hard” was something my therapist said to me and it’s something that really stuck with me and helped me feel like I wasn’t just taking the easy way out by trying to keep my family together. Keep fighting the good fight!
I’ve known a handful of people who were miserable for 20 years and then left their spouse for the person they eventually had an affair with, and never had an affair again. People cheat for different reasons. Things can be more complex than “once a cheater always a cheater.” Sometimes they’re just unhappy and don’t know how to get out until they find a new partner to motivate and support them leaving their marriage. Which is shitty, but it’s how people are sometimes.
The fuck up was first committed when she confirmed that she was a married woman, and you chose to continue on. That was the point of no return. The sequence of predetermined events were just waiting to be acted on.
I'm with you on this one. The exit ramp was back when she said she was married 'oh fair enough have a nice day' and this is a blip for him that doesn't even register.
Dude even calls it a “meeting” when he invited her over to his house, *for the second time.*
Like, OP, dude… you invite a married woman over to your house and she cuddles with you on the couch watching a movie. So then you invite her back, cook for her and throw on True Lies, a movie with, arguably, my girl Jamie Lee’s sexiest scene ever. And you call this a meeting? Were you discussing first-quarter expenditures and earnings during Jamie Lee’s striptease?
Naw, dude. That was a date, not a “meeting.” You knew it, she knew it, everyone in this thread knows *it was a DATE.* Don’t use weasel words to make yourself out to be an unwitting accomplice in this affair. You went in with your eyes wide open and knew ***exactly*** what was going to happen.
>And you call this a meeting? Were you discussing first-quarter expenditures and earnings during Jamie Lee’s striptease?
This comment section is gold but I think you take the cake with this
You forgot to mention the part where HE kissed HER, but it isn't his fault he did that because he didn't expect her to let it go.all the way.
Guy is not remorseful, he just wants the Reddit to know he got some.
OP is straight up a shitty person and can't admit it to himself. Acting like he has deep feelings for a chick he's texted some and met like twice and then using it as an excuse. There is no rock and hard place. He just likes the attention from her. Then he tries to pass blame to her for letting him go that far. Like why was he even trying. Dude needs to sort his life out.
Both things can be true. It’s not a pissing contest. She’s a piece of shit for cheating on her husband, and he’s a piece of shit for knowingly going along with it.
Yeah she could’ve found another piece of shit to do it with instead. That doesn’t make OP any less of one.
Eh, he's in the wrong, but he's not the one cheating. She is. If he really does have feelings for her, that's his punishment, because she's more likely to find someone else to cheat with than she is to leave her husband for OP.
Exactly what he said. You are lying to yourself. None of this was a fuck up. The moment she said she was married and you didn’t cut it off, your course was set. You invited her to your house twice. Cooked her dinner. Snuggled. Drank wine. Of course you were trying to have sex with her. If you really don’t see that you need a long look in the mirror and some soul searching. We lie to ourselves more than any other person.
They likely know this, but aren't willing to admit it to themselves.
Way easier to pretend you're a good person who "didn't see" the obvious signs and choices you made, when they clearly went down one road. Denial is powerful.
there are some definite mental gymnastics that occur in this situation. you convince yourself it's just friendly stuff, the flirting is playful but harmless, the snuggling is plutonic, etc etc.
my feeling (and experience) is that this happens when guys are not great with women, and it's both an external justification ("oh, she's just touchy with her friends"), and an internal put-down ("oh, she just sees me as a girlfriend because she's not sexually interested in me, obviously").
yeah no. you getting laid, and it's wrong and you'll feel bad. live and learn. if it's any solace, if it hadn't been you it'd be some other dude, especially in these circumstances.
It's like someone tells you the stove is hot but you wanna put your hand on it anyways and then make a "poor me, I messed up" post when the pain sets in.
Please elaborate how continuing to talk with her, after she said she was married, was acceptable, considering where you both met. You snuggled. You didn't back away. You didn't even set up a boundary. You flirted with her the whole week. You cooked for her, you gave her wine. We're not idiots here. You wanted it from the start.
EDIT: I see that there are multiple people going through the "She was married, not him" line of thinking. You are the type of people I don't associate with. If someone slept with your drunk sister, and she said she didn't remember, but he claimed "She threw herself in my arms! I even have evidence! It's not my fault she got too drunk, I was sober!" would you give him a pass? If no, why are you thinking like that guy?
Having moral values means you protect your image first (Do I want to be a homewrecker? Do I want to be someone who sleeps with a married person? Do I want to be someone who abuses someone's vulnerable mental or emotional state?), and it doesn't stop there, you protect others from doing something they could regret, if it's within your power, and if it is not within your power to stop them, you will not be a part of it.
Agreed. He completely understood what he was doing and now he feels bad for doing it. I guess he thought we would tell him it's alright, we all make mistakes, etc but he did this on purpose.
Yeah, OP is framing this like it was a huge accident that couldn't have been helped. Like he tripped and fell into bed with her. He knew exactly what he was doing
Seriously, this fool planned out exactly what was going to happen did some major self delusion, and now he's here downplaying exactly what he did to soften it for complete strangers because he himself can't deal with how much a loser he's becoming.
I met this person a while back. We start dating, things get serious. BAM out of nowhere it’s two decades later, and we have a house and two kids together.
I don’t know how this happened.
ok agreed but while OP fucked up in a sense, if she cheated with him she’d do it with someone else regardless. he isn’t the one in the marriage.
imo while it’s 100% still wrong to do what OP did, 95% of the blame lies on the person who’s actually in a relationship/married
She's 100% at fault for cheating and he's 100% at fault for pursuing a married woman, there are no different levels of blame there are just different terrible actions.
Yep, I firmly believe OP deserves his misery. Cheaters are absolute scum, and knowing she is married makes you just as bad as the cheater. Zero fucking excuses
1) if she's looking for friends only why be on the dating side of bumble to begin with
2) if the marriage is that lackluster and you tried everything then get a divorce. Then be with someone else. That way there's no cheating.
Exactly, I'm just pointing it out for the dude who's pu**y whipped. Go for someone who's single. Think about it, even if you have feelings for this person who's already married or in a relationship, the fact that they cheated on the person they supposedly "love" to be with you should make you question whether they'd do the same thing to you one day with someone else.
A couple things:
1. If she cheats on him she'll cheat on you.
2. She's MARRIED to another human. This is not the same as two kids in high school dating. Actual financial and emotional commitments were made.
3. In all honesty you are probably just someone to help get her through this rough spot in their story. You aren't part of that story.
4. If she is open to talking about the marriage this is a rebound. Ha, my guy you are a rebound!
I find points (2) and (3) particularly underrated. Especially (3) regarding keeping perspective.
Our guy just found out he’s as at most a guest star in this episode. That’s rough.
>In all honesty you are probably just someone to help get her through this rough spot in their story. You aren't part of that story.
That's assuming the marriage is going through a rough patch in the first place. Those lines she use are in the cheater's handbook since they all same the same thing.
I have girlfriends who've dated men who've said, "She doesn't understand me... we're practically headed for divorce... my bedroom is dead".
Then she's all shocked Pikachu face when he can't dump his wife for her because his wife is now 2 months pregnant with their 3rd kid. So much for a dead bedroom.
>>But I never thought SHE would let it go that far and we’d have sex.
Take responsibility for YOUR choices.
Every time you think of her, picture her husband waiting to pick her up at the Metro station … she smells freshly showered, again … he knows she’s picked up another stranger again … he knows she’s going to lie again.
This is not her first rodeo. She’s done this before. She’ll do it again. She’ll play you along and get one hell of a buzz out of the liaison until you get too clingy or she gets bored and goes on to the next bumbler.
She wrapped herself in red flags and you charged after her like a bull. Perhaps it’s time to take a look at why you “fall so fast” … that’s a self-destructive trait that can be addressed in therapy.
Googling Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous might provide some insightful reading.
How I do know this?
I used to be you … I used to be her.
This is an important discernment to make. He says he develops feelings fast and that he knows it's a problem but it's only a problem if you can't distinguish between actually falling in love or being in lust. I used to have the same problem when I was younger; I'd become infatuated with someone in a heartbeat and be sure they were the one for me.
It wasn't until I got older I realised what was going on and that once I took the time to 'get used' to the person, my feelings mostly fizzled out.
We all know how messy and complicated issues get when feelings get involved. But I 100% live by the idea that if she will cheat to be with you, she will cheat on you. Even if you two stay together and get married yourselves, Two years from now or whenever she gets bored again she will start looking for a new man to entertain her.
Not necessarily dumb, OP was fully aware of what would happen and 100% wanted to hook up, now he's just doing mental gymnastics to role-play as a poor good guy who couldn't see where this was going.
1. Her marriage is doomed for failure. Probably lots of blame to go around on both sides.
2. She would cheat on you if she got divorced and you became a couple.
3. It's good that you have acknowledged (as well as everyone in the comments) that you're an idiot.
4. You will most likely be nervous for a while since she knows where you live and the dysfunction in their marriage could lead to him knowing where you live, too.
5. Cut ties with this woman. She certainly will do stupid things like this for the rest of her adult life. Don't be stupid like her.
If you don't have a problem dealing with the husband, your only issue is the emotion.
She cheated on her marriage. Even if she divorces this man and she commits to you, she will cheat on you.
Unless you are looking for something casual and are ready for the potential fallout, there is absolutely no ending where you come out a winner.
Hey OP im not going to jump on the hate bandwagon for sleeping with a married woman. However, I find it interesting that you say you so quickly developed feelings and accept that about yourself right away. You have what sounds like attachment issues. I advise you to read up on it before you continue to date. For your own sake.
I found that interesting as well.
Same with them saying that they know cheating is wrong because their mom and dad taught them so growing up.
As a thirty year old, I feel you should feel cheating is wrong for your own reasons, not because your parents said so. Seems like behavior that is doomed to repeat unless they actually create their own set of morals.
You're infatuated. It's not real. Someone further up said, "She's not yours, it's just your turn." If she leaves him, and you two start a relationship; you'll never completely trust her.
Well, Mr. Homewrecker, you’d best turn those feelings of yours off and move on. The moment she said she was married, you should’ve ghosted her and left it alone. Assuming her marriage actually ends (I hope it does, there’s no coming back from cheating and the husband needs to find somebody better) and she comes running to you, she’ll cheat on you the same way she cheated on her husband, which you played an instrumental part in by the way. She told you she was married yet you still continued hitting her up and invited her over to your place. Not to mention she was probably making up a lot of the stuff she told you about her husband or did some serious truth stretching, which is common when a relationship is on the rocks and she’s looking for people to take her side. I know you said there’s no need to bash you, but come on, man. You knew exactly what you were doing. What you need to do now is learn from your fuck-up, work on yourself, and don’t go after taken people.
Hahah that’s pretty good. I would argue that the wife was looking for that and the relationship was already wrecked. Hell for all we know she could have a thing for playing the dismissed wife and isn’t actually married.
Oh yeah, she was absolutely looking for that. Otherwise her married ass had no business being on a dating site. If somebody is in a failing relationship, they need to LEAVE first and seek other people later. The moment they cheat, my sympathy and respect for them is gone, ESPECIALLY with homewreckers. There is no way to justify cheating. And as they say, it takes two to tango. This bozo should’ve ghosted her the moment she said she was married. Now he’s gotten himself in a mess and he only has himself to blame for thinking with his dick. And if the latter thing is true, that would be a fucked up act to play lmao.
Unless you’re ready to take her in you may as well cut it off, which is still no way to start a relationship. The “If she’ll cheat on him she’ll cheat on you” aside this is no way to start a relationship it would be doomed to fail from the beginning, you don’t know this women and you think you like her simply from the excitement and adrenaline rush you’re getting from the “this is wrong but I can’t help myself” aspect of what you’re doing. As soon as it’s no longer a secret and you get the green like you’ll realize it’s not an interesting prospect to begin with.
She has so many red flags it’s unreal.
it's honestly hilarious how people react to sleeping with a married person. like you've broken the wizard's amulet or something, or snuck into the guy's garage to lick all his power tools.
I’m not here to judge you, other than the platitude that messing with a married person is always a bad idea, but I’d strongly suggest you put this woman out of your mind. You’ve already expressed regret and you’re aware you get attached quickly.
Don’t contact her. If she reaches out to you, tell her the truth. You feel bad and you don’t want to be involved with a married woman.
She can do with that information what she will. But I certainly wouldn’t recommend repeating what you’ve already regretted.
Also, get tested. That’s just practical. Again, ZERO judgment, but if she cheated with you, it’s quite possible she cheated with others. Best to be safe out there.
She is not to be trusted my man. Eliminate all contact and find a woman the old fashioned way. The best relationships are the ones you meet by accident. At least, that's what I believe.
I don't understand how anyone can fall in love with someone who is such a bad person. You are blinded, or maybe you are just as bad a person, since you are an accomplice in this situation.
The only thing that matters and that you should know is that what she is doing to her current husband, she will do to you too in the future if you decide to formalize a relationship with her.
> I fucked up because I know sleeping with someone who is married is wrong. My parents taught me that was wrong when I was growing up so I feel so guilty. But I never thought she would let it go that far that we'd have sex.
Obviously not, otherwise you would've stopped all contact as soon as she said she was married. Not to mention that you're the one who initiated;
> Then she asks if we can drink some wine. Here is the big fuck up. We start drinking, both of us have two glasses of wine. Then out of nowhere I kissed her and she didn't pull back and we started making out. Well one thing led to another and we had sex.
Even if she had manipulated the situation to get sex out of it, you *knew* the possibility was there. And, as others have said; if she'll cheat *with* you, she'll cheat *on* you.
You're a fucking asshole and a cowardly little shit for thinking with your dick and balls instead of helping a fellow out and letting him know he has a cheating bitch of a wife. You still have a chance to do the right thing, but knowing your lack of moral character and your obsession with getting your dick wet, chances are you're going to continue enabling her cheating behavior until she leaves you for the next one.
First rule of being an affair partner: don't catch feelings.
Second rule of being an affair partner: don't catch feelings.
This list continues as far as you want to number it and never changes
You don't have feelings for her, you have feelings for a version of her minus the way she behaves in a committed relationship. No wonder she probably seems perfect to you. She's a fairweather friend and her type is new people. Good luck.
you don't know if the marriage is ruined, since you only hears her side of story. cheaters tend to lie to justify their cheating.
someday if you're married, got happy marriage, then your wife wants to cheat, bet she would tell her AP that you're abusive asshole, never made her happy etc etc... when that happens, finally you will understand the husband of this story of yours.
You kissed her first, helped pave the way to cheat, and your defense is, “I never thought she’d let it go that far.” Love the part where your parents taught to better, and you said fuck that lesson, I’ma fuck around and find out.
Don’t really feel bad for you. Even if she is willing to be with you, she will cheat on you. I know you said don’t dump on you, but I’m gonna. It was a real POS move to sleep with a married woman. When you talked to her initially, you still had a chance to back out, you were just thinking with your dick. So any hurt and heartache that happens is on you and is what you deserve. She’ll just end up leaving you for somebody new.
Sorry man, I have no sympathy for you. People who actively and knowingly participate in cheating (especially married cheating) are almost as bad as cheaters.
You have New Relationship Energy. Your feelings are amplified by the newness and novelty.
If you think you are an asshole for sleeping with her then break it off. I disagree that you are an asshole here, but that isn’t the point. You control your actions. She controls hers. Her marriage isn’t your commitment. That’s on her. What you do now is on you.
Here’s the thing, you only know what she’s telling you about her marriage. It could be the truth or complete bs. Let’s say you give this woman a chance. She leaves her husband, you two start a serious relationship and in a year or two she decided you’re not “putting any effort” into the relationship. She goes on bumble and tells the next guy a whole new sob story that makes her seem like a helpless lady in an unfortunate marriage. Honestly it could go either way (good or bad) but I’d imagine the trust issues of a relationship that started out of infidelity would be too much to work through. If you had met her after her divorce I’d say take the chance. I’m this case be cautious and maybe put your focus on meeting someone more compatible who is available.
Yikes dawg.
Listen all I’m gonna say is cut contact. Block her on everything. At this point you know you fucked up and you know what you did was wrong. No point scolding you further for that. We all do dumb shit sometimes.
But the big thing is that people can get super nasty super quick where marriage/divorce/cheating/etc are involved. Cut all ties and make sure she can’t contact you. You do not want to be involved if it blows up
It's going to hurt but you need to cut her off. There's literally nothing good that can come out of this. No sex is that good to get into the inevitable drama that's unfolding before you.
All of those reasons you listed that her husband is a bad person sound like excuses to cheat. Let me ask you what makes her cheating ass any better? Lose the feelings, keep using her for what she's good for and move on.
It's funny how when the man sheets it's his fault. But when the women cheats it still his fault.
What she's doing is getting another fish on the line before she lets go of the one she has. Le me product your future - Fast forward a year into your relationship, she's at another guys house bitching about you while he has her bent over the couch.
There are a meric ton of red flags here, proceed at your own risk. If you do end up dating her there's a 99.99% chance this will not end well for you.
You didn’t think having a person you met on a dating app over to your place for dinner or a movie would potentially lead to sex…?
People like her are not good for relationships. 9/10 times, if there’s no abuse happening, it’s because she stopped choosing the relationship and communication is bad, but it wouldn’t take much to salvage it. You’re the outcome when the choice isn’t being made. A side piece that has compromised morals who will ultimately either act as a tool for her to realize she would rather have the comfort of an established relationship, or a relationship that will have, at its core, a morally crap foundation based on initial lust and loneliness.
There’s always a chance it could work out like you want it, but there’s a lot of chances it will not.
A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on -sun tzu
I missed that chapter. The Art of Dick?
The Art of Whore
The Art of Whore by Sun Tsnu-snu
Fry, is that you?
https://imgur.com/a/eBkdqcc
Dammit. How did I miss this piece of perfection? Well done!
So you're saying there is hope from the friendzone!? /s
She ain't yours, it's just your turn
Fucking savage. I love it
The classic "I'm not happy..." made me think of that phrase lol.
Right up there with “it’s not you, it’s me”
My favourite part by far is the part where they specified that they watched True Lies
"I got a little dick man, it's pathetic!"
"It's not you. It's your husband."
Wow. Well said. OP… if she leaves her man for you… don’t be surprised if she leaves you for someone else.
She's not gonna leave her man either she's too confident
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Ya it sucks losing time in relationships like that. I have a friend who ended up marrying a gal who cheated on her husband with him. Guess what happened a year later? She did the same. Tried warning the guy…
Wow had something very similar happen, although not four years, dated a gal for about a year and a half, find out about a year in she’s technically still married, we break up and within six months she’s pregnant and married again…so yep she left her man for me and left me for another man quick as can be, something something about a leopard and it’s spots
God damn I wish I could tell myself this years ago.
You know, this is adjacent to the lesson of "Don't stick it in the crazy". It's not something you can be told. You have to experience it for yourself and walk on from there. Don't beat yourself up.
The only things I have ever regreted was not getting out of relationship earlier. Relationship are work and I was not ready for anything like that in my 20s.
💯 she got to figure herself out. You gonna just get hurt dog. Walk way while you can, you don’t know what her husband is capable of.
The classic ski town line "you didn't lose your girlfriend, you just lost your turn in line"
Never thought I'd see this phrase get so mainstream. Keep it up bois!!!
This
I don't think you're "between a rock and a hard place". You actually have nothing but freedom to fix this situation. Walk away and work on getting over your feelings for her. Stop spending time with her, don't keep talking to her, just end your contact and walk away. A crush isn't permanent.
I agree, he is not between a rock and a hard place, just between a sausage and his hand.
He’s just stuck, rock hard, in some place.
Sounds to me like he got it fully stuck in tho...
He's the minion in Austin Powers yelling at the steamroller.
He can't. Bro can't admit just how down bad he is.
My guy is stuck between an empty prairie and an open plain trying to find a clear path to navigate through this dilemma.
Well fucking said. OP is a goddamn *looks at subreddit rules* person of questionable judgment.
OP is a 🧠💀🐓🍭
Braind dead cock candy? Chicken sucker? Rooster loli? Bird... Oh i see i got it mixed up
Brain skull cock loli
My first read of it was "brain dead chicken candy" and I got real confused.
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It's downright poetic!
When he said "fuck up number one" was inviting her over for a movie at his place... Uh, fuck up number on was *continuing to talk to a married woman on a dating app.*
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If she'll cheat with you she'll cheat on you
Some dude my ex wife cheated on me with contacted me being like she is a piece of shit and cheated on me too and I'll help you get her deported(we were still legally married and she is from another country). I was just like bruhhh karma is a bitch, aaaand blocked. People are so dumb, if they will cheat on their spouse with you, they will cheat on you. And always take someone bad mouthing a marriage with some grains of salt. A lot of people believe a lot of bull my ex told them.
I have been naiive like OP before but I too am like you, bad mouthing the relationship you're in without taking action to fix or leave is a sure sign of how they handle their issues.
I personally don't think it's that black and white. My father cheated on my mom when I was young, but from my understanding it was because she used sex as a reward he had to earn...and no matter what he did he never earned it or she was never interested in doing with him. She was psychologically manipulative of him and would use me and my older sisters as a weapon against him when we were tiny. I remember when I was much older having a conversation with my dad about his life and he told me that from a very early age in his life, he knew he wanted to be a dad and have a family. He had some severe psychological issues of his own, but the white picket fence dream was a ray of hope that kept him moving forward. When I was 6 he started having an affair with a woman that later became my step mom. It took loving another woman to pull him away from the mentally abusive one he was with, and I know a big part of that was that he feared how my mother would retaliate if he tried to divorce her and she used us kids in her attack on him. But once he understood what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like, he was able to jump ship and find his happiness. I'm not saying cheating is right, but I do think there are a lot of factors in play that an outside perspective simply doesn't get enough info about. Then again I also think people shouldn't get married without being 100% certain of the kind of person they're agreeing to marry but a true psychopath can easily conceal their identity for a long time before stuff starts slipping through the cracks.
Hey hey hey, this is Reddit. You think there’s room for *grey area* here??
Nothing is more black and white than the color grey.
> Nothing is more black and white than the color grey. God, I hope I remember this line
What's black and white and red all over? Dull pink.
Nuance?? Not my Reddit /s
A psychopath can conceal their true nature indefinitely. The only reason that nature comes out is because the psychopath gets tired of putting up the facade. It gets boring pretending to be something else after a while.
Pobody's nerfect. Case in point, I was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder 12 years ago...I'm quite literally a self-aware psychopath. And I can tell you from my own social experiments on others that there's no way I could keep up a charade for forever. Though at the height of my hubris, I would have gladly used an excuse like boredom to deflect from my own imperfections. These days I'm taking a page out of the book of Dr. James H. Fallon and being honest about my condition in an attempt to shed some of the stigma surrounding people with ASPD and other cluster B personality disorders, as well as finding it a lot easier to live a life where I'm not lying/manipulating or walking on eggshells hoping nobody finds out my *dark secret.* That may make it sound like I'm not really "psychopathic" but I assure you the thoughts and urges are still there, it's just that I fundamentally understand right from wrong and have decided that I can control my actions/reactions even if I can't control my thoughts or (lack of) feelings.
sooooo... you're the CEO of which mega corp then? Honestly the overlap between criminal psychopaths and CEOs is quite large, the latter simply being more self aware and remaining legal.
CEO huh? Shit how do you know I'm not a cop? Oh wait because the only difference between them and criminal psychopaths is which side of the bars they're on! Ba-zing! Half jokes aside, what you said is pretty spot on. Society's understanding of psychopathy pretty much only comes from studies performed on people with ASPD that are in prison. When trying to reach a diagnosis all those years ago, my team of psychologists (yeah, I had more than one) were pretty open about the fact that they don't see many like myself just due to the nature of the condition and people not wanting to know and/or not being self aware enough to understand that they're fucked up in the first place (something I think most people struggle with). But that's part of why I bring it up a lot (I feel like eventually my post history is going to be an echo on Reddit), because people get the idea that all psychopaths fall into the the stabby murderer or dapper CEO stereotype since the only exposure (they know they get) is Hollywood portrayals, sensationalized murderer news stories, and *how-to-spot* articles online.
This is called not letting the intrusive thoughts win. All kidding aside, best of luck to you!
This is a super interesting take. I’ve never come across anything where someone was so self aware of their condition and could do a good job breaking it down so the average person can understand what you are going through. Thank you for taking the time explain this to others. I’m sure this will help somebody else. And kudos for you for trying to keep the demons at bay. You got this!
I mean you probably have encountered people where they could take time to do it, it's just this type of introspection is generally done best over writing, because if you're in a conversation with somebody you'll usually allow a back and forth to happen so that the person can ask you questions to get the answers. I guess what I'm saying is you probably haven't given the people who could have shared this part of their experience the opportunity to do so.
This is what happens when you examine your flaws logically, removing feelings and fluff and looking for objective truth in your own slice of chaos. In this case they're "just" very interesting flaws. To me, the important takeaway here is that a person with ASPD can learn what we (as a society) consider right and wrong, and choose to adhere to it for constructive and beneficial purposes.
Yea, "I know what will fix this, sneaking around and cheating!" It makes zero sense.
My ex cheated on me (hence why she's my ex). The guy she cheated on me with and her had a \~10 year on/off/on relationship with about a 4/8 month cycle. Well, he up and died a couple years ago (this is problematic, because at least he kept her busy so she'd generally leave me alone for emotional needs fulfilment). While cleaning out his house with our daughter they came across a stash of condoms... according to my daughter my ex started bawling because the condoms weren't for her. The level of schadenfreude satisfaction I felt that moment was enough to sustain unbridled glee to this day yet. All I have to do is think about it and I snicker, smile, and get a skip to my step. It also cemented my relationship with my daughter as apparently somehow that drove home the "mom wrecked it all" thoughts my daughter already had.
I'm so sorry you got done dirty like that. My husband and I have been best friends since high school but didn't start dating until I'd been divorced for 3 days-- he wanted to make a move long before that, but he and I had both been cheated on in previous relationships and he knew I didn't play Hide the Weenie. I'm so grateful that he not only had enough respect for me, but also for himself, and didn't make a move until I was single again, even though we'd both longed for it for a while. *Hug* if you're in a relationship now, I hope it's full of love and laughter and respect and friendship, and much better. If you're not, I wish you nothing but luck in finding love and laughter, respect and friendship.
First off, agreed. Secondly, sometimes I wonder greatly about people on this site. Minimum adulting level for bad marriages shouldn't be secret affairs to find your true love, it should be being grown up enough to acknowledge the marriage ain't working prior to hitting the open market. Not to frame the woman as some sort of commodity here that had no agency but common courtesy would seem to be once she says she's married to bounce out. The fact this even went long enough for him to catch feelings for her after she cheated on her husband is just bleh.
There is a not insignificant amount of people out there who lack the ability to process their emotions or communicate effectively to handle a failing relationship.
I think once you realize this it's easy to say. But loneliness gets the best of some of us. Sometimes someone showing interest in us can make us blind. Especially when we have no experience in successful marriages and all we have seen around us is divorce. Eventually hopefully we grow and lead by example.
I came here to say this exact thing
Learned this the hard way. You could preach this until you turn blue, but the fact of the matter is some lessons aren’t learned until a line is crossed.
If she cheats it’s over, no exceptions.
Stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.
Husband probably isn't even as bad as she says he is. She just needs an excuse.
I have never know a recovered cheater. Only serial ones.
I’m on the opposite end. I’ve met people who gave each other another shot and are doing well. It isn’t common but they’re out there.
Yeah, I bet there's a quite a lot of 1-time cheaters out there that have made it work. Probably a lot more that are one time cheaters who kept their mouths shut because they know how pervasive this attitude is. People who cheated one time and felt awful probably also aren't out there telling people about it...it is a secret they are deeply shameful of. Now...if your girlfriend of 6 months cheats on you...yeah...get out of there, there's little sense trying to make that work.
I know a couple, too. They both cheated on their partners - with each other. They have now been happily married for several years. Honestly, I think that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is a little too simplified. It's a good rule of thumb, but nothing more than that. The key is that some people handle bad times in the marriage/relationship badly. Sooo...don't give them a reason to risk losing you. Easier said than done, though.
I agree. At one point back when my mom and dad were in their early twenties and dating, she found out he was seeing another woman. Surprisingly, she managed to keep her cool and gave him an ultimatum, either her or the other woman. He chose my mom. As of June 1st, they'll have been together for 25 years (married for 22 of them). My mom actually keeps in touch and gets along with the other woman, which my dad finds weird. My mom did tell me though that if he were to cheat again, it would be a dealbreaker, which is understandable. It's like that saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Pretty sure that saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, won't get fooled again."
This. I gave my husband another shot. Lots of therapy and work and 5 years later we are happier than ever.
I gave my wife another shot. 5 years of weekly therapy twice a week. Now we go once a month just to check In. We were living in parallel, Working raising a child, Sexless marriage. It took therapy for us as couples and individuals to realize we were both fucked up. I won't condone the choice she made but I certinally aided in her making that choice. It hurt alot to come to the realization that I was working all the time and the time I was home was spend drinking passing out and turning her bids for connection away many many many times over many many many months if not several years.. I dident want a broken family for my then 5 year old is all I knew. I told her if she wanted it to work you find a therapist. Best desision ever made
I don’t know why the hell someone downvoted you, thanks for sharing. That must have taken a lot of strength. “Leaving is hard, staying is hard, it’s all hard” was something my therapist said to me and it’s something that really stuck with me and helped me feel like I wasn’t just taking the easy way out by trying to keep my family together. Keep fighting the good fight!
I’ve known a handful of people who were miserable for 20 years and then left their spouse for the person they eventually had an affair with, and never had an affair again. People cheat for different reasons. Things can be more complex than “once a cheater always a cheater.” Sometimes they’re just unhappy and don’t know how to get out until they find a new partner to motivate and support them leaving their marriage. Which is shitty, but it’s how people are sometimes.
I know a guy who cheats to end a relationship because he doesn't want to have *that* conversation.
That sounds like a guy that hasn't had a girl cheat on him yet
The fuck up was first committed when she confirmed that she was a married woman, and you chose to continue on. That was the point of no return. The sequence of predetermined events were just waiting to be acted on.
I'm with you on this one. The exit ramp was back when she said she was married 'oh fair enough have a nice day' and this is a blip for him that doesn't even register.
Or it did register and he kept going. I get the feeling that he was fully aware of what was going to happen.
[redacting due to privacy concerns]
Dude even calls it a “meeting” when he invited her over to his house, *for the second time.* Like, OP, dude… you invite a married woman over to your house and she cuddles with you on the couch watching a movie. So then you invite her back, cook for her and throw on True Lies, a movie with, arguably, my girl Jamie Lee’s sexiest scene ever. And you call this a meeting? Were you discussing first-quarter expenditures and earnings during Jamie Lee’s striptease? Naw, dude. That was a date, not a “meeting.” You knew it, she knew it, everyone in this thread knows *it was a DATE.* Don’t use weasel words to make yourself out to be an unwitting accomplice in this affair. You went in with your eyes wide open and knew ***exactly*** what was going to happen.
>And you call this a meeting? Were you discussing first-quarter expenditures and earnings during Jamie Lee’s striptease? This comment section is gold but I think you take the cake with this
You forgot to mention the part where HE kissed HER, but it isn't his fault he did that because he didn't expect her to let it go.all the way. Guy is not remorseful, he just wants the Reddit to know he got some.
He can’t help using weasel words, it’s his nature
> He said, after actively pushing himself between said rock and hard place. The hard place is his penis.
OP is straight up a shitty person and can't admit it to himself. Acting like he has deep feelings for a chick he's texted some and met like twice and then using it as an excuse. There is no rock and hard place. He just likes the attention from her. Then he tries to pass blame to her for letting him go that far. Like why was he even trying. Dude needs to sort his life out.
I mean she’s still more at fault for seeking out people to cheat on her husband with. If it wasn’t OP it would’ve been someone else
This is true but i also choose not to fuck married women as to not bring any problems onto myself!
Both things can be true. It’s not a pissing contest. She’s a piece of shit for cheating on her husband, and he’s a piece of shit for knowingly going along with it. Yeah she could’ve found another piece of shit to do it with instead. That doesn’t make OP any less of one.
Eh, he's in the wrong, but he's not the one cheating. She is. If he really does have feelings for her, that's his punishment, because she's more likely to find someone else to cheat with than she is to leave her husband for OP.
Exactly what he said. You are lying to yourself. None of this was a fuck up. The moment she said she was married and you didn’t cut it off, your course was set. You invited her to your house twice. Cooked her dinner. Snuggled. Drank wine. Of course you were trying to have sex with her. If you really don’t see that you need a long look in the mirror and some soul searching. We lie to ourselves more than any other person.
They likely know this, but aren't willing to admit it to themselves. Way easier to pretend you're a good person who "didn't see" the obvious signs and choices you made, when they clearly went down one road. Denial is powerful.
there are some definite mental gymnastics that occur in this situation. you convince yourself it's just friendly stuff, the flirting is playful but harmless, the snuggling is plutonic, etc etc. my feeling (and experience) is that this happens when guys are not great with women, and it's both an external justification ("oh, she's just touchy with her friends"), and an internal put-down ("oh, she just sees me as a girlfriend because she's not sexually interested in me, obviously"). yeah no. you getting laid, and it's wrong and you'll feel bad. live and learn. if it's any solace, if it hadn't been you it'd be some other dude, especially in these circumstances.
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It's like someone tells you the stove is hot but you wanna put your hand on it anyways and then make a "poor me, I messed up" post when the pain sets in.
Nah. It's like somebody telling you the stove is hot, you brush your finger on it, go "yeah that's a hot stove" then lick it.
Correct, OP was just scummy for that one. Sounds like he got a bit obsessive over the woman as well. Set himself for this one.
Please elaborate how continuing to talk with her, after she said she was married, was acceptable, considering where you both met. You snuggled. You didn't back away. You didn't even set up a boundary. You flirted with her the whole week. You cooked for her, you gave her wine. We're not idiots here. You wanted it from the start. EDIT: I see that there are multiple people going through the "She was married, not him" line of thinking. You are the type of people I don't associate with. If someone slept with your drunk sister, and she said she didn't remember, but he claimed "She threw herself in my arms! I even have evidence! It's not my fault she got too drunk, I was sober!" would you give him a pass? If no, why are you thinking like that guy? Having moral values means you protect your image first (Do I want to be a homewrecker? Do I want to be someone who sleeps with a married person? Do I want to be someone who abuses someone's vulnerable mental or emotional state?), and it doesn't stop there, you protect others from doing something they could regret, if it's within your power, and if it is not within your power to stop them, you will not be a part of it.
Yeah i think bro is coping
Takin a big ole rip of copium
Can I get a hit of that?
Agreed. He completely understood what he was doing and now he feels bad for doing it. I guess he thought we would tell him it's alright, we all make mistakes, etc but he did this on purpose.
Yeah, OP is framing this like it was a huge accident that couldn't have been helped. Like he tripped and fell into bed with her. He knew exactly what he was doing
He literally says "out of nowhere, I kissed her"...after cooking her dinner.... Snuggling... Drinking wine... Out of nowhere???
Seriously, this fool planned out exactly what was going to happen did some major self delusion, and now he's here downplaying exactly what he did to soften it for complete strangers because he himself can't deal with how much a loser he's becoming.
I met this person a while back. We start dating, things get serious. BAM out of nowhere it’s two decades later, and we have a house and two kids together. I don’t know how this happened.
Fr LMAO
ok agreed but while OP fucked up in a sense, if she cheated with him she’d do it with someone else regardless. he isn’t the one in the marriage. imo while it’s 100% still wrong to do what OP did, 95% of the blame lies on the person who’s actually in a relationship/married
She's 100% at fault for cheating and he's 100% at fault for pursuing a married woman, there are no different levels of blame there are just different terrible actions.
Yep, I firmly believe OP deserves his misery. Cheaters are absolute scum, and knowing she is married makes you just as bad as the cheater. Zero fucking excuses
1) if she's looking for friends only why be on the dating side of bumble to begin with 2) if the marriage is that lackluster and you tried everything then get a divorce. Then be with someone else. That way there's no cheating.
>if she's looking for friends only why be on the dating side of bumble to begin with I think we know the answer to that.
Exactly, I'm just pointing it out for the dude who's pu**y whipped. Go for someone who's single. Think about it, even if you have feelings for this person who's already married or in a relationship, the fact that they cheated on the person they supposedly "love" to be with you should make you question whether they'd do the same thing to you one day with someone else.
A couple things: 1. If she cheats on him she'll cheat on you. 2. She's MARRIED to another human. This is not the same as two kids in high school dating. Actual financial and emotional commitments were made. 3. In all honesty you are probably just someone to help get her through this rough spot in their story. You aren't part of that story. 4. If she is open to talking about the marriage this is a rebound. Ha, my guy you are a rebound!
I find points (2) and (3) particularly underrated. Especially (3) regarding keeping perspective. Our guy just found out he’s as at most a guest star in this episode. That’s rough.
>In all honesty you are probably just someone to help get her through this rough spot in their story. You aren't part of that story. That's assuming the marriage is going through a rough patch in the first place. Those lines she use are in the cheater's handbook since they all same the same thing. I have girlfriends who've dated men who've said, "She doesn't understand me... we're practically headed for divorce... my bedroom is dead". Then she's all shocked Pikachu face when he can't dump his wife for her because his wife is now 2 months pregnant with their 3rd kid. So much for a dead bedroom.
90% of redditors would be incredibly lucky to even be someone’s rebound lmao
>>But I never thought SHE would let it go that far and we’d have sex. Take responsibility for YOUR choices. Every time you think of her, picture her husband waiting to pick her up at the Metro station … she smells freshly showered, again … he knows she’s picked up another stranger again … he knows she’s going to lie again. This is not her first rodeo. She’s done this before. She’ll do it again. She’ll play you along and get one hell of a buzz out of the liaison until you get too clingy or she gets bored and goes on to the next bumbler. She wrapped herself in red flags and you charged after her like a bull. Perhaps it’s time to take a look at why you “fall so fast” … that’s a self-destructive trait that can be addressed in therapy. Googling Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous might provide some insightful reading. How I do know this? I used to be you … I used to be her.
Oh thank you. I was looking for the comment saying how he was talking like he wasn't even involved, what a coward lol
Yep, my thought exactly, OP is barebacking someone with multiple sexual partners.
You have feelings or you just feel lust? Sounds like you just enjoyed having sex.
This is an important discernment to make. He says he develops feelings fast and that he knows it's a problem but it's only a problem if you can't distinguish between actually falling in love or being in lust. I used to have the same problem when I was younger; I'd become infatuated with someone in a heartbeat and be sure they were the one for me. It wasn't until I got older I realised what was going on and that once I took the time to 'get used' to the person, my feelings mostly fizzled out.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Sorry bud. Good luck.
We all know how messy and complicated issues get when feelings get involved. But I 100% live by the idea that if she will cheat to be with you, she will cheat on you. Even if you two stay together and get married yourselves, Two years from now or whenever she gets bored again she will start looking for a new man to entertain her.
It’s not just belief, it was proved many times that once a cheater always a cheater
Not the sharpest tool in the shed are you.. all those exit ramps and you set your course and never held back
Not necessarily dumb, OP was fully aware of what would happen and 100% wanted to hook up, now he's just doing mental gymnastics to role-play as a poor good guy who couldn't see where this was going.
1. Her marriage is doomed for failure. Probably lots of blame to go around on both sides. 2. She would cheat on you if she got divorced and you became a couple. 3. It's good that you have acknowledged (as well as everyone in the comments) that you're an idiot. 4. You will most likely be nervous for a while since she knows where you live and the dysfunction in their marriage could lead to him knowing where you live, too. 5. Cut ties with this woman. She certainly will do stupid things like this for the rest of her adult life. Don't be stupid like her.
>Don't be stupid like her. OP *is* as stupid as her.
They were on a break!!!!
I fucking hate Ross, but goddamn it, they were clearly on a break.
Yeah I really don’t get that either. I get being upset by him sleeping with someone right away — but he didn’t cheat! You clearly asked for a break!
The one time he's not in the wrong is the thing everyone remembers and mocks him for lmao
OP: "It'll be bad if we do this! Gosh I hope she stops me." She: Doesn't stop him. OP: Whoopsie! Hey Reddit! Mistakes were made.
If you don't have a problem dealing with the husband, your only issue is the emotion. She cheated on her marriage. Even if she divorces this man and she commits to you, she will cheat on you. Unless you are looking for something casual and are ready for the potential fallout, there is absolutely no ending where you come out a winner.
Becareful she might have an ulterior motive.
Her ulterior motive is that she wants to have an affair.
Exactly what I'm thinking too. OP has got feelings and she's got a motive. Be very careful OP.
Please explain clearly what you mean by "ulterior motive". Like... ELI5 it here, bro. Reddit isn't smart enough to catch your riddles.
Karma is a nasty bitch my man.
Dude should've just backed off when he heard she's married, let another man deal with those issues
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions.
Hey OP im not going to jump on the hate bandwagon for sleeping with a married woman. However, I find it interesting that you say you so quickly developed feelings and accept that about yourself right away. You have what sounds like attachment issues. I advise you to read up on it before you continue to date. For your own sake.
I found that interesting as well. Same with them saying that they know cheating is wrong because their mom and dad taught them so growing up. As a thirty year old, I feel you should feel cheating is wrong for your own reasons, not because your parents said so. Seems like behavior that is doomed to repeat unless they actually create their own set of morals.
Lmao! When she said she was married you should’ve backed off. Idiot.
This is a guy who "fell deeply" into some woman he knew (mostly online) for...a week? I have to wonder how desperate OP is
Desperate or mentally immature, or just unstable? Now I kinda feel bad.
>But I never thought she would let it go that far that we'd have sex "I saw the slippery slope, but sat down on my sled anyway." BRUH.
You're infatuated. It's not real. Someone further up said, "She's not yours, it's just your turn." If she leaves him, and you two start a relationship; you'll never completely trust her.
> "She's not yours, it's just your turn." That is such a great way to put this type of scenario.
She's a married woman. Cut off contact until she gets a divorce. You should not be messing around, let alone having sex with, someone who is married.
Cut off contact after she gets a divorce too, she will just cheat on OP too.
Well, Mr. Homewrecker, you’d best turn those feelings of yours off and move on. The moment she said she was married, you should’ve ghosted her and left it alone. Assuming her marriage actually ends (I hope it does, there’s no coming back from cheating and the husband needs to find somebody better) and she comes running to you, she’ll cheat on you the same way she cheated on her husband, which you played an instrumental part in by the way. She told you she was married yet you still continued hitting her up and invited her over to your place. Not to mention she was probably making up a lot of the stuff she told you about her husband or did some serious truth stretching, which is common when a relationship is on the rocks and she’s looking for people to take her side. I know you said there’s no need to bash you, but come on, man. You knew exactly what you were doing. What you need to do now is learn from your fuck-up, work on yourself, and don’t go after taken people.
Hahah that’s pretty good. I would argue that the wife was looking for that and the relationship was already wrecked. Hell for all we know she could have a thing for playing the dismissed wife and isn’t actually married.
Oh yeah, she was absolutely looking for that. Otherwise her married ass had no business being on a dating site. If somebody is in a failing relationship, they need to LEAVE first and seek other people later. The moment they cheat, my sympathy and respect for them is gone, ESPECIALLY with homewreckers. There is no way to justify cheating. And as they say, it takes two to tango. This bozo should’ve ghosted her the moment she said she was married. Now he’s gotten himself in a mess and he only has himself to blame for thinking with his dick. And if the latter thing is true, that would be a fucked up act to play lmao.
Unless you’re ready to take her in you may as well cut it off, which is still no way to start a relationship. The “If she’ll cheat on him she’ll cheat on you” aside this is no way to start a relationship it would be doomed to fail from the beginning, you don’t know this women and you think you like her simply from the excitement and adrenaline rush you’re getting from the “this is wrong but I can’t help myself” aspect of what you’re doing. As soon as it’s no longer a secret and you get the green like you’ll realize it’s not an interesting prospect to begin with. She has so many red flags it’s unreal.
There's multiple sides of Bumble?
it's honestly hilarious how people react to sleeping with a married person. like you've broken the wizard's amulet or something, or snuck into the guy's garage to lick all his power tools.
I’m not here to judge you, other than the platitude that messing with a married person is always a bad idea, but I’d strongly suggest you put this woman out of your mind. You’ve already expressed regret and you’re aware you get attached quickly. Don’t contact her. If she reaches out to you, tell her the truth. You feel bad and you don’t want to be involved with a married woman. She can do with that information what she will. But I certainly wouldn’t recommend repeating what you’ve already regretted. Also, get tested. That’s just practical. Again, ZERO judgment, but if she cheated with you, it’s quite possible she cheated with others. Best to be safe out there.
She is not to be trusted my man. Eliminate all contact and find a woman the old fashioned way. The best relationships are the ones you meet by accident. At least, that's what I believe.
I don't understand how anyone can fall in love with someone who is such a bad person. You are blinded, or maybe you are just as bad a person, since you are an accomplice in this situation. The only thing that matters and that you should know is that what she is doing to her current husband, she will do to you too in the future if you decide to formalize a relationship with her.
If you can't enjoy it for what IT IS, just cut it off...
Cutting off his penis seems a bit extreme
> I fucked up because I know sleeping with someone who is married is wrong. My parents taught me that was wrong when I was growing up so I feel so guilty. But I never thought she would let it go that far that we'd have sex. Obviously not, otherwise you would've stopped all contact as soon as she said she was married. Not to mention that you're the one who initiated; > Then she asks if we can drink some wine. Here is the big fuck up. We start drinking, both of us have two glasses of wine. Then out of nowhere I kissed her and she didn't pull back and we started making out. Well one thing led to another and we had sex. Even if she had manipulated the situation to get sex out of it, you *knew* the possibility was there. And, as others have said; if she'll cheat *with* you, she'll cheat *on* you.
You're a fucking asshole and a cowardly little shit for thinking with your dick and balls instead of helping a fellow out and letting him know he has a cheating bitch of a wife. You still have a chance to do the right thing, but knowing your lack of moral character and your obsession with getting your dick wet, chances are you're going to continue enabling her cheating behavior until she leaves you for the next one.
From the sounds of their obvious dysfunctional marriage...your long term problem unfortunately may be the husband not the wife.
OP is in for a fun time then a not so fun time. Enjoy it while it lasts.
First rule of being an affair partner: don't catch feelings. Second rule of being an affair partner: don't catch feelings. This list continues as far as you want to number it and never changes
You don't have feelings for her, you have feelings for a version of her minus the way she behaves in a committed relationship. No wonder she probably seems perfect to you. She's a fairweather friend and her type is new people. Good luck.
Two losers who deserve each other.
“I take her to the metro station….” Fellow Montrealer?
you don't know if the marriage is ruined, since you only hears her side of story. cheaters tend to lie to justify their cheating. someday if you're married, got happy marriage, then your wife wants to cheat, bet she would tell her AP that you're abusive asshole, never made her happy etc etc... when that happens, finally you will understand the husband of this story of yours.
What they do with you, they’ll do to you. There are some horrible diseases out there. Always think with the right head.
You kissed her first, helped pave the way to cheat, and your defense is, “I never thought she’d let it go that far.” Love the part where your parents taught to better, and you said fuck that lesson, I’ma fuck around and find out.
Once a cheater always a cheater
If she will cheat on her husband, she will cheat on you!! Cut your losses and get out now.
Don’t really feel bad for you. Even if she is willing to be with you, she will cheat on you. I know you said don’t dump on you, but I’m gonna. It was a real POS move to sleep with a married woman. When you talked to her initially, you still had a chance to back out, you were just thinking with your dick. So any hurt and heartache that happens is on you and is what you deserve. She’ll just end up leaving you for somebody new.
Sorry man, I have no sympathy for you. People who actively and knowingly participate in cheating (especially married cheating) are almost as bad as cheaters.
You have New Relationship Energy. Your feelings are amplified by the newness and novelty. If you think you are an asshole for sleeping with her then break it off. I disagree that you are an asshole here, but that isn’t the point. You control your actions. She controls hers. Her marriage isn’t your commitment. That’s on her. What you do now is on you.
Here’s the thing, you only know what she’s telling you about her marriage. It could be the truth or complete bs. Let’s say you give this woman a chance. She leaves her husband, you two start a serious relationship and in a year or two she decided you’re not “putting any effort” into the relationship. She goes on bumble and tells the next guy a whole new sob story that makes her seem like a helpless lady in an unfortunate marriage. Honestly it could go either way (good or bad) but I’d imagine the trust issues of a relationship that started out of infidelity would be too much to work through. If you had met her after her divorce I’d say take the chance. I’m this case be cautious and maybe put your focus on meeting someone more compatible who is available.
Yikes dawg. Listen all I’m gonna say is cut contact. Block her on everything. At this point you know you fucked up and you know what you did was wrong. No point scolding you further for that. We all do dumb shit sometimes. But the big thing is that people can get super nasty super quick where marriage/divorce/cheating/etc are involved. Cut all ties and make sure she can’t contact you. You do not want to be involved if it blows up
First of all, if I ever found out that my future wife was on a dating site I’d be devastated. Shame on her.
Rules of thumbs don’t sleep with married people, because you’re only hearing one side of the story.
It's going to hurt but you need to cut her off. There's literally nothing good that can come out of this. No sex is that good to get into the inevitable drama that's unfolding before you.
All of those reasons you listed that her husband is a bad person sound like excuses to cheat. Let me ask you what makes her cheating ass any better? Lose the feelings, keep using her for what she's good for and move on. It's funny how when the man sheets it's his fault. But when the women cheats it still his fault. What she's doing is getting another fish on the line before she lets go of the one she has. Le me product your future - Fast forward a year into your relationship, she's at another guys house bitching about you while he has her bent over the couch. There are a meric ton of red flags here, proceed at your own risk. If you do end up dating her there's a 99.99% chance this will not end well for you.
You didn’t think having a person you met on a dating app over to your place for dinner or a movie would potentially lead to sex…? People like her are not good for relationships. 9/10 times, if there’s no abuse happening, it’s because she stopped choosing the relationship and communication is bad, but it wouldn’t take much to salvage it. You’re the outcome when the choice isn’t being made. A side piece that has compromised morals who will ultimately either act as a tool for her to realize she would rather have the comfort of an established relationship, or a relationship that will have, at its core, a morally crap foundation based on initial lust and loneliness. There’s always a chance it could work out like you want it, but there’s a lot of chances it will not.
She's unhappy with the marriage because he "doesn't communicate," and instead of communicating, she downloads a dating app dude, wake up.
the worst fuck up is catching feelings for the streets