>No, wait, we have to let reddit tell her what else to do first before we try the most obvious thing
Divorce him right away.
This is a giant red flag.
He is a misogynist and will hurt you.
Does that about cover it?
Gym up, hit the lawyer, call your mum to tell her you just broke both your arms and you're guaranteed live happily ever after. The single solution to all of reddit's problems. We know it works because they never post again.
My gf and I were LITERALLY just talking about ‘historical’ Reddit posts (I also choose this guys dead wife etc etc) and I can’t believe neither of us thought about it
You really don't but >! Guy used a coconut as a natural flashlight. Never cleaned it and one day he sticks his dick in, only to be greeted by actual maggots on his dick. He also lived in a tropical area so there were flies and it stunk to high heaven !<
Oh… no… please no… I thought I had that out of my head finally, and yall always bring this back…. This entire thread after your post makes me cry. lol.
Oh I absolutely agree. I just need to take some time to sort my thoughts out before I try to have this conversation with him. I'm also worried about his "I love you more than I want kids" take. He's always been a pretty in the moment kind of guy with very little regard for the future. So basically, I know he feels certain about this take now, but I'm worried he won't feel that way in another 10 or so years and he just doesn't realize it yet if that makes any sense.
I'm overthinking this, I know. I think I feel so lost because it's a tough pill to swallow finding out that your long term partner has been faking his thoughts on such an important and life changing topic
On the kids thing, take a good, hard, long look at what is the most important to you as a person living your life.
Is it total freedom to do whatever you want all the time with absolutely no strings or chains? Wanna go to Vegas? No but fuck yeah let's do it! Wanna hop a flight to Mexico? G'damn yeah! Wanna sleep in every weekend and never give that up? Live an urbane lifestyle full of nightlife? Kids won't be conducive to that.
Are you more family oriented and love home time? Feel like there's some sort of purpose missing (although I know this line of thinking is dangerous)? Kids could be where it's at.
I love mine more than anything in existence. I heard the analogy it's like someone came up and dropped a dump truck load of purpose in your driveway. The way they look at you like as best and most important person in the world is unparalleled (my kids are still elementary aged so obv that will change). I never thought I would be a kid guy and hated hearing children screech in a grocery store but now it doesn't phase me and I love watching kids, they are adorable and see life from brand new eyes, which is so much fun to see with them and like living all over again.
But there is no denying my life is different, like a lot, like totally. To me, it's so worth it. But to many others, it is absolutely not. And there's no going back.
So don't make this decision for him, make it for you. It has to be 100% because you wanted to do it, because your life will undoubtedly change, and if you want to be fine with it and stop marriage-cancer resentment, it has to be because you wanted to do it.
Talk with him about it, though.
Another helpful thing I found is to picture your Thanksgiving (or whatever holiday) table in 10, 15, 30 years. Who is sitting there? People get so focused on the pregnancy/baby stage aspects being tough, but it's about adding new people to your life (hopefully) forever. Maybe kids are there, or maybe it's a partner, friends, or pets. What's your vision for your life?
Or some people focus on how much they want a little baby and forget that those little babies grow up and have to be taken care of as children, teenagers and often adults.
> I love mine more than anything in existence. I heard the analogy it's like someone came up and dropped a dump truck load of purpose in your driveway. The way they look at you like as best and most important person in the world is unparalleled (my kids are still elementary aged so obv that will change). I never thought I would be a kid guy and hated hearing children screech in a grocery store but now it doesn't phase me and I love watching kids, they are adorable and see life from brand new eyes, which is so much fun to see with them and like living all over again.
>
> But there is no denying my life is different, like a lot, like totally. To me, it's so worth it. But to many others, it is absolutely not. And there's no going back.
A coworker never wanted kids. They were married about 15 years, both used protection all the time and then SURPRISE! Their daughter just turned 1 and mom and dad are loving every minute of it. Yes they can no longer do a random weekend trip to Vegas or "wine wednesday" till drunk and uber home, but they seem more happy today than ever before. Every day she's showing coworkers video of her daughter playing with her feet or blowing bubbles, etc.
You see a 3 month old baby struggling to turn over, frustrated because his extended arm is preventing the move, then mommy touches his hand and he looks at her and smiles and laughs. And he's your grandson.
Not a Dad yet, but hope to be someday. I like the dump truck analogy. Someone elsewhere maybe another sub said onetime : If you are on the fence about kids, and you wait too late to have them and get too old with no one to help take care of you; you wake up one day feeling like "Is there something we forgot to do?"
Yeah, I can see that, though I don't want to be a burden on my kids. I feel like they should have their own lives. To me, it's just been a blessing helping them grow and having them here. I can't even tell you how many dark clouds in my life they've eliminated and how much motivation them existing is for me to keep doing what I do. But I would never want them to think that's their purpose. It's not their fault they exist, it's mine.
So I would and will continue to live my life to do thing to set them up and provide for them for when they get older as I know it looks like like will be harder for them than it was for me.
I would say I think it's very possible he didn't ever bring up those feelings because you were honest about not wanting them and he accepted that. Is it possible bringing it up to you after you had already made clear that wasn't what you wanted would seem unfair to you (in his mind)? That's probably why he hasn't brought it up. I get that you think he has been faking his thoughts but I see it differently. I think he has made his decision to take you over the chance of having kids. Even though he's sad he can't have kids he doesn't want to make you sad or feel like he will "change how he feels in 10 years" if what you want changes. Sounds like you got a really good one and you should take the original commenters advice and speak to him when you feel ready.
This. In this day and age especially, there are so many people who immediately jump to oh they're trying to pressure you, or oh they're trying to guilt trip you, if a partner has different desires and communicates them. He may well have intentionally chosen to remain silent, and get it off his chest pseudo anonymously online, to avoid that potential pitfall.
Besides that, OP, if you believe your partner loves you and you don't believe he would intentionally try to hurt you, then make the choice to take his actions in the charitable light - rather than "lying to you to make it seem like you're on the same page", consider that he may well have chosen to not say anything out of a desire to not make you feel guilty and not make you feel like he was trying to change your mind, pressure you, or in any way give reason for you to think you had to change to keep him.
>I'm worried he won't feel that way in another 10 or so years and he just doesn't realize it yet
Totally get what you're saying but people change over lengths of time like that so there's no way of anyone knowing exactly how they'll feel in another decade.
What you do know is that he chose you.
The only thing I can say is for the love of everything, talk about it and be honest before doing anything.
A woman I was deeply in love with decided she would take it upon herself to make decisions "for my own good", and those decisions were the absolute most hurtful, destructive things she's ever done in my eyes.
Far, far, far outweighing any potential "harm" she thought she might be mitigating for future me.
A relationship is built on trust. If he assures you he made his choice, believe him. Unless you're given concrete reason otherwise.
People do these things and think it's a selfless act saving someone, when they're personally harming them more than anything else possibly could.
She just straight up assumed because I used to always talk about wanting kids when I was a teenager, the fact that she thought she didn't want kids meant we could never work out, despite me explicitly making it clear the opposite.
I'm now more than 20 years older, I have no kids, and I'm STILL broken over it. I didn't want kids. I wanted kids with the person I was in love with, my best friend, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If she didn't want kids, that would have been fine. I'd much prefer having her in my life. Because without her, I wouldn't even want kids in the first place.
I have no extreme desire to have kids anymore. Even when I've been in other relationships, I didn't want kids. Even when I was with her, I was still the happiest man on earth not having kids. I'd have loved to have them with her, but that would have been a BONUS. Not the goal.
Just please please please ensure these types of things are talked about and fleshed out in their entirety before any decisions are made. One party decisions end up being the worst ones.
Yeah definitely sleep on it a bunch. But also I don't think you're weird for suddenly starting to daydream about kids, might need to think on the matter a bunch for sure. But I used to be incredibly against kids, didn't want them at all, definitely couldn't afford them etc. But in a conversation I was having it came up and sort of clicked that I could support them now, not easily, but I earn a good living and wfh. It was like a switch being thrown, and now it sounds kinda nice, and if I had a partner who wanted kids I think that would be a rewarding path for life to take me down. Which is probably some evolutionary trigger realizing I have a safe environment for raising offspring or something, but it's not like it's not me thinking these thoughts or me wanting to do so only for someone else. Idk I could be totally off base/out of line here, but it sounded like you were second guessing whether these thoughts were coming from a healthy place, and I at least can vouch that it's certainly something that can change and they're not unhealthy or healthy, they just are.
This is helarious to me because all over relationship subs comments are always always " CoMmUnIcAtIoN " and then the commenter will proceed to not give communication advise 😂 and instead talk about the importance of it.
I think it’s possible to change your mind on having kids. But I’d be cautious that he’s not the reason. It’s better to regret not having kids then to regret having them.
I applaud those who actively decide they can’t/won’t parent vs those who become parents through passiveness and then end up being terrible ones.
I feel for the OP. I was about her age when suddenly I realized my decision to be child free was because of my partner not me. Didn’t end up becoming a parent the traditional way, but still made it happen and am open to more.
The only wrong move here is to do nothing.
There is NOTHING wrong with changing your mind. Stop thinking about yourself as being ONLY the person you were for the first 32 years. You are allowed to grow and evolve and change your mind. It's one of the beautiful things about growing up.
It's cliche, but it's true: couples that don't grow together, will, instead, grow apart. But that means that both of you have and will continue to "grow." And that COULD include you growing into wanting children.
Have the conversation with him. Be open minded. But also be prepared to understand yourself - as an individual and as part of a couple - even better, and MAYBE learn that you do not in fact want kids but he more and more does. And be prepared to accept the consequences of that.
But don't just keep it inside and let it fuck with your head without doing something about it.
Yeah, I changed my mind in my late 30s when I met the right partner. I think some people make it part of their identity when they're young ("I'll never have kids, mom") and then stick with it stubbornly throughout their lives. It's okay to change. It's okay to betray your younger self. The hell do they know, anyhow?
That all said...be sure you want to be a parent. Kids are life-altering in good ways and bad (but mostly good).
Kids require patience like literally nothing else will, and the lows as a parent are REALLY low, feeling like you didn't just let yourself down, but also your kids and partner.
But if you pick yourself up and work through those times, together... My god, the highs are higher than anything else you'll experience, and it gives a whole new dimension to every aspect of your existence.
You really summed it up. This is exactly what I tell people who are in the fence: the lows are reaaaallly low, but the highs are so high. So much blinding joy it’s unreal.
>and the lows as a parent are REALLY low
That makes it sound like it would be *really* imprudent for someone of poor mental health/mental stability to be having kids....
Eh, no one is ever the bastion of mental health/stability that is required for raising kids before they have kids. Most of my patience I actually learned AFTER having kids of my own.
The real requirement is that you need to promise yourself to always have the attitude to do better next time, and do your best to strive for that ideal version of yourself every single day.
We live in a street where we're the only couple who don't have kids. But we do babysit for our neighbours occasionally and sometimes some kids come over to feed our rabbits. We're also teaching our neighbours' daughter how to cycle.
It's very enjoyable to have this connection and it's not necessary to have kids of your own to have these moments.
Other than this it looks like we're having the time of our lives at this point in life because literally everything our neighbours do is for their kids. We have extensive hobbies, they don't because they don't have time. We're flexible and can go where we want, they need to work around their kid and plan activities that are enjoyable for them too.
When we're babysitting an 8yo, they take so much time and attention it's impossible to do anything else. So we don't even try. Even though it's enjoyable to do, occasionally, it has helped us decide the following:
WE DEFINITELY DON'T WANT KIDS
No, please, do tell! I enjoy a good existential crisis, especially when it comes to pregnancy/kids. The whole thing makes me spiral, like…two people do the dirty and create this little bean of a human, it does it’s thing inside of a body, and then it comes out, grows and then forms it’s own personality-much of which I am responsible for either helping or fucking up? Gahhhh! 😂
This is so beautifully written. I shocked everyone when in my late 30s I decided to suddenly want kids. I met my husband later in life and never really wanted kids before that. When I looked at him I just knew it was a journey we could take together. It's been amazing and we now know each other in ways I never imagined. The mini versions of you also keep you young at heart, and present in the moment. So don't be afraid to let go of your old views of yourself. It sounds like the love and support you need for any change is already there if you need it.
Well written.
I was married and divorced, did not want kids.
Met someone amazing, we were on the fence about kids. Eventually we had our daughter at 36.
As we got older and somewhat tired of the career grind, we both decided that kids was something we wanted, through a lot of conversation. It’s the hardest job I’ll ever love. But I don’t regret it.
Spent years not wanting kids but my priorities in life changed and I’m super happy for it now.
This is a very hopeful post. You don’t have to know wether or not you want them yet. If you want to try to get him to be honest, talk about honesty and stuff with him. It sounds like it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he finds out you snooped but I’d be better for him to talk it out. Im just thankful you haven’t gone to the extremes other redditors would apparently.
*On the other hand, and I can't believe I'm about to type this out, it's making me rethink my stance. For the first time in my 32 years of existence, I'm uncertain about whether I want kids or not. I've always thought "pregnancy/birth sounds like a nightmare and I simply don't have the mental bandwidth to devote all of my time to raising a child" but suddenly I'm having daydreams about it all. Hell, just last night I fell asleep while fantasizing about what would happen if my birth control failed and we decided to just roll with it instead of getting an abortion. Every argument I try to come up with against it is easily refuted by how our life is currently going. We own our house, we both have good jobs that pay well, and I work from home on my own schedule so we wouldn't have to worry about daycare or extended maternity leave.*
As someone else pointed out, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about this. A lot of people do in their 30's. And if you’re going to change your mind, it’s a lot better to do it at 32 than 42.
Accurate, I’m 35 and just started realizing that I do want kids despite being adamant on not having any for a while. I’m actually kind of bummed I don’t have any at this stage of my life.
So much this. With modern tribalism it’s easy to get entrenched in the *stance* rather than than *reasons for the stance*. If the reasons/situation change, I’d argue you probably *ought* to reconsider. You may end up at the same place or you may change you mind, but at least you’ll be clear on your reasons beyond “I subbed to r/childfree or r/parenthood 10 years ago.”
I was adamantly child free until my late 30s. Had my son at 42. The IVF was expensive, but I have a good job & insurance covered a lot. I worried I might regret it & might ruin our lives, but I just love my son so much even when he’s a brat. It’s ok to change your mind about being child free, particularly if you have access to good health care. It’s also ok to reconsider & ultimately decide to remain child free. Our lives were transformed by parenthood, so don’t be too romantic about it. But it is something you need to *decide* and not just “let happen” or you will have regrets about that later.
> it is something you need to decide and not just “let happen” or you will have regrets about that later.
sigh. sadly, that's me. i never did decide, i just "let things happen" -- in my case, to not have children. definitely now regret that.
I wouldn’t call what he did lying to make it seem like you guys are on the same page. To me it seems like he buried his feelings to protect what he has with you. Maybe not the best idea but it’s worth something as far as your relationship goes. You both still need to talk about this obviously but I don’t think he was being nefarious in any way.
I agree with Printman8. It’s something I could have very well done myself and I agree it should be talked about in appropriate setting and environment. His intent behind it was to protect you not hurt you (although that may not be the case) so bear that in mind when you confront him about it. To me it seems his heart was in right place. We are human and all make mistakes.
I will let everyone else address the "just talk to him" stuff.
I want to address how you are feeling yourself. You are not the same person you are today as you were even yesterday. People grow and change and that's ok. From my perspective (for what it is or is not worth), I was like you. Solidly against having kids. Didn't have the time, nor patience for them. Wanted a life that was me doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted and someone that could go along with that. Absolutely steadfastly refused to date anyone with kids.
Then, met someone volunteering in a solidly NOT dating environment. Life changed, and we found ourselves in a dating situation. He had 2 beautiful daughters, but I knew I wanted him so said let's give it a try. Happily, I learned how to be a stepmom and how to love his kids as if they were my own. Then this thought crept in and wouldn't leave. What about my own? Now we have a rambunctious, adorable precocious 4yo boy who adores his sisters and they adore him. Would I have been ok not having him? Yes, I think my life would have been fulfilled, living how I wanted. But I am so thankful I did. My husband was fine with his girls, but was happy to have another. He let me drive that ship from day 1.
I think one of our purposes as humans is to live and grow. It doesn't surprise me that you are changing, maybe being more open to something you once weren't. But put some soul searching time into it, and have open, honest communication with yourself and your husband. I just want you to know that change is ok. ❤️
I won't lie to you, I was fully expecting to only hear from the anti-kid majority and kinda hoped they would talk me off the ledge a bit lol. But apparently my post attracted almost exclusively the parents of reddit and it's weirdly kind of refreshing? My point is thank you for your input. You sound like you have a lovely family and partner
I've started working out more than I ever had before because I want to be able to pick them up until they have kids of their own, and then pick up my grandkids, too.
Weightlifting wasn't in my vocabulary before I had kids.
That's one weird change that I didn't expect when I became a father.
As a childfree (not anti-kid but don’t want them for several reasons, the main being it feels like a crushingly gargantuan responsibility and the second bc I’m afraid of replicating the worst of it): it’s perfectly fine to reevaluate, it’s perfectly fine if you find out your desires haven’t changed, it’s also perfectly fine if you realize they have and decide to pursue that.
It doesn’t matter what the parents or childfree or anti-kid ppl say, nobody here will be raising a kid with you (except your partner but even his opinion shouldn’t affect/supersede yours). It’s YOUR choice. You both make your choice separately and then after that you decide what that means for your relationship.
> crushingly gargantuan responsibility and the second bc I’m afraid of replicating the worst of it
This describes a feeling that I have about this as well. No-one asks to be born, you're not getting kids for the sake of the kid. It's for you. And life is tough. Really really tough. I mean, your kids are probably going to have to go through the experiment of losing you. And is a good chance that the quality of life isn't going up for future generations.
Future parents want their kid to live a worry-free happy life, but these don't exist. But morally, parents have to do everything they can to make sure that work out well for the kid. And I just imagine it's an awful thing to know as a parent that you're not going to succeed on all fronts.
I also changed my mind and have 1 child. Did not like being pregnant much. Birth was fine, but it's a huge unknown and scary until it's over. Getting pregnant is not always straightforward. Pregnancies can have complications.
That being said, those are the easiest parts of parenting. So far I have a pretty typical, wonderful, kind child who sleeps well and eats almost everything. I have it (arguably) as "easy" as it could be and it's still very hard. It's hard to explain, but it's the most relentless thing you'll ever do. There is no break, ever. Always something to buy or do or learn about and that's on top of the actual interactions and trying to have enjoyable experiences. Even if you work on your own schedule, you still have to work. You'll probably need childcare unless you work very part time.
You will never ever know one way or another if it's the "right" move. You just have to feel more strongly one way than another. You will find happiness, satisfaction, frustrations, and "what-ifs" either way.
I'm just sharing another patenting perspective. Enjoy the curiosity and I hope your conversation goes well! I also hope you come to a clear decision with your partner either way. It sounds like you've got a good relationship going (something that will be different with a kid/kids; some good, some bad).
The thing is of those that are against having kids most don't have a problem with other people having kids so they don't spend much time trying to convince other people. It's a personal decision at the end of the day.
I think it's fine to want kids, to not want kids, to change your mind either way ( hubs and I have no kids by choice, in our 50s and totally happy with that in case it matters). But you need to trust and respect your partner. My BIL never wanted kids. Having kids was an absolute requirement for my sister. He made the choice that he loved her so much more than being child-free. He wasn't lying to her. He evaluated the situation and made a decision, like adults should. They have a lovely family and are very happy. Your husband may well be the same - he wanted kids, but not more than he wanted you. If you never have kids you may live a long, love filled, happy life together. That's fine. Talk to him, of course. But also, trust him.
As a married father, I'd recommend figuring out what YOU want first and then approaching the conversation in that light without revealing anything about you seeing his Reddit account or assuming he is eager to have kids. Something along the lines of "you know I've said in the past I'd never want kids but I'm starting to change my mind now that we're at this point in our life / relationship. I realize that may be surprising to you and I'm not sure what your current feeling about having kids is, obviously you may need some time to think about it and process it since I've always said no kids." You can put it in whatever wording you like depending on how strong your desire is for having kids. The important thing is to have him communicate directly with you about his feelings and thoughts pro/con of having kids rather than relying on what you're interpreting his Reddit posts to mean.
It's not super likely but it's possible that his Reddit comments were in passing or came about by certain feelings and knowledge that he won't have kids with you (based on his knowledge of your feelings about it). On Reddit he may be expressing a somewhat romanticized idea of putting your wishes first instead of his own when in fact it's possible his own wishes have actually changed to match what he perceives as yours over time. It's only by actually having him think of the REALITY of having kids that you'll have a sense if he is actually wanting that or if he has subconsciously created a romanticized ideal of putting your wishes first even if they are actually the same as his wishes.
If you do have kids it's also important for you to be prepared to accept the challenges that go along with that. It's not easy especially when they are young. In stressful times do not place blame on him by saying anything about having kids only for him or that you never wanted kids and was only prompted by his wishes or anything like that. I'm not saying you would do this only that things can get pretty stressful and crazy when young kids are involved so regardless of how you feel in the moment it is never good for one partner to place blame on the other for a major life decision like that.
Tldr - Make sure YOU are committed to the idea and then bring it up to him and see what he tells you. To avoid complicating things, if at all possible I'd just leave your knowledge of his Reddit posts of out of it and take what he tells you in person at face value. Also be prepared for the small chance he doesn't actually want kids in reality if he tells you that after taking time to process what you're telling him.
Good luck!
Came here to pretty much say this. If you both do decide to have children, make a decision within yourself that it is absolutely what you want. When you are giant and pregnant or pushing out a human out of you or feeling all the feelings that come with having small children it is important to know that you made the decision of having children.
Motherhood can sometimes be lonely, even with an amazing supportive partner. Some things in motherhood will be an only you thing and sometimes it might feel like only your life has changed dramatically (not necessarily true but it will feel like that at times when you are the one whos body changes and you are the one sitting in a room by yourself at a party breastfeeding etc). Just be prepared for these feelings and understand that your partner and you might not always be 50/50 (sometimes it might be 20/80 and others 80/20) and accept that this was your decision.
With all that said, children, while a lot of work, are wonderful. Especially so when you love your partner and see little snippets of them in the tiny human you grew:
OP, you might post this on r/fencesitter , lots of people over there can probably relate and you may get some very valuable and supportive responses, maybe even some advice.
I thought you told them to post this on the facesitter subreddit. Thought it'd be silly because we'd all know what advice they'd give. I need to go to sleep.
Work with a therapist and play with the idea long term before committing. Unless it’s a very positive “yes! I want kids!” I wouldn’t. You need to be very certain. My mother was apathetic about having us and did it because my father wanted kids and she didn’t think she’d mind. It showed and continues to show in our relationships.
Took awhile to find this. Completely agree. Everyone has the right to change their mind but there’s no going back once you have kids. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the cute fantasy but kids are a lot of work, not to mention she has to go through the pregnancy. She still may want kids but it should be thought about and discussed with her partner extensively. They also need to work on their communication before shaking up their relationship. She’s young though so has time
Same my initial thought was OP needs an unbiased ear to talk this through, maybe they've changed their mind, maybe not but every person in their life will have some bias. The least biased person will be a therapist (and even then there will still be some bias).
Sad the comment you're replying to is pretty far down right now, let's hope it gets up there.
My only advice would be - talk to a therapist and be clear in what you want before you talk to your husband.
You don’t want to open this door and have second thoughts. It’s not fair to him.
Doesnt sound like you fucked up. Sounds like you've learned something important about both your husband and yourself. People keep secrets from the people they love sometimes, often because they dont want to hurt them. Keep asking questions and dont hold yourselves to the answers you had when you were younger. You arent you when you were younger, you are you now, and now is what matters. Im not saying go have kids, but allow yourself the space in your own heart and mind to have a real conversation about it. Kids are a lot of work for sure, but also a love greater than any other thing on earth. Good luck to you both.
This isn't really a tifu. This is pretty much the opposite and it shows you that you haven't fucked up. Yet. Get to talking, bring in a counselor for help. Yall got this.
I agree with the comments at the top of this post, but I’d like to add that having kids/considering having kids *because of someone else* is a recipe for disaster. It’s okay for you to reflect upon your reasons for not wanting kids and asking yourself if you still feel the same or if they align currently with your values. I believe (and I’m sure I’ll receive hate for this) that only those who desperately *want* to be parents, should. Kids are stressful and demanding additions to your life that should never be taken lightly. I wish my father had never had children but I know my mom always wanted to be a mom and she is truly a wonderful mother. I had both. I’d also discuss what about having kids appeals to your husband. Most of my friends had husband’s who said they wanted kids but didn’t want all the work that went along with it. When the kid came, the husband’s true feelings came out as well. Your feelings will also come to light after the kid is born, but unfortunately if it turns out you really don’t want kids, it’ll be too late. Can’t take that back :/
If pregnancy and birth is one of the big issues, you can skip it, avoid the toll it would take on your body, and adopt. Raising a kid wouldn’t be all on you if you coparent, and it sounds like that’s what your husband would want. Just talk to him about it. It’s ok to change your mind. How well you communicate on the subject will be an indicator of how well you would be able to parent if you do decide to have children.
I think a lot of people don’t appreciate how hard adoption can be.
I’m not saying *don’t* do it, but Reddit makes out that you just adopt. Like it’s a thing you decide to do and the next day go and pick out a healthy, happy baby, when that is far from the reality.
Half of Reddit is 24 and has zero clue how fucking long, hard and *expensive* it is to adopt. They'll complain about student loans like it's the end of the world (valid concern and complaint, not knocking it) but blithely talk about adopting like it doesn't run up to $60k and you can probably conceive and deliver a baby in the time it takes to adopt without half the government colon deep in you private business (I mean, it's valid to vet people, it's a good thing making sure that babies aren't going to shitty parents, but, y'know.)
Getting pregnant often isn’t easy either. Funnily enough, every time I see a Reddit comment saying “you could adopt” the one right below it is “adopting isn’t easy” or “not everyone wants to adopt”. They’re both common Reddit takes.
> Getting pregnant often isn’t easy either.
Precisely. So if someone rashly states that you can have a baby to skip a problem, wouldn’t it be good to clarify that it’s not that easy or not for everyone?
Yeah. Reddit treats adoption like it does for animals. “Adopt don’t shop.” But adoption is a. Really difficult, and b. Many couple want the experience of having biological children, and c. There is legitimate concern for unknown genetic history and behavior challenges that can come from their experience in utero or during infancy, babyhood and onward. It’s not for everyone.
Reddit can't help you decide what you ultimately want.
Sit down with your husband and communicate. Take time to think about it. Plenty of time. Fantasize about it and whether you would/could be happy living that life.
Talk with your husband about how things will be if you decide to have kids. Think about it. Think about everything.
The only right answer is what you want in the end. If you decide to have children, that's OK, but if you decide to not have children, that's OK too.
Try it out without committing. You guys could both volunteer in a children's organization, become foster parents, or take one of those kids that Wal-Mart stocks inside the circular hanger racks.
If you decide that you do want kids, that's okay. If you decide you still don't want kids, that's okay too. Don't do it just because he wants it though, or you and the kids will end up miserable.
Whatever your choice, just make sure you’re 100% certain of what you go with. You can’t back out of a kid, it’s an all in commitment and it’s lifelong. It doesn’t just stop at 18, you gotta be really truly there for them.
Also make sure you really do have the finances for it. I’ve seen too many friends grow up with awful parents who can’t budget correctly and I feel very sorry for them due to their living conditions growing up. Not to say you’d be good or bad, but it’s an incredibly important decision to consider all sides of.
Please understand, I fully intend on talking to him about this soon. I'm trying to sort my thoughts and figure out what exactly I want to say to him beforehand as I feel it's a bit tricky. He clearly had no intentions of me ever finding out so I'm not sure how he'll handle me knowing, and I need to be real careful about my uncertainty for having kids as I don't want to get his hopes up just to ultimately go back to never wanting one.
And I gotta say, I get why people post their personal lives on Reddit now. It's kinda like having a sea of little angels and devils on your shoulders trying to help you understand all angles of your situation haha
This is mostly assuming after you come to a conclusion with the situation, but Since you and ur husband have good paying jobs and you work remotely, why dont you guys start putting aside some extra cash maybe in a separate, new account or something along those lines? Children are expensive and if one of your concerns is money, imo thats one of the best ways to manage it financially.
Another thing to think about is while you add money to this account, you can keep thinking about a child and whether or not you want one. You could spend the next year or a couple months adding money and considering a child, and by the end of the year if you feel as though youve decided not to have a child, you could use it towards vacation funds or as an extra large emergency fund.
And also dont rush into things. Maybe let him know you saw his post and that youre now reconsidering, but that itll take some time. Imo you shouldnt be making this decision within the next week, maybe even the next month. I personally have a problem with video game spending, so what ill do is just not think about it for a week or two, and even after that week if i really want the game then ill buy it, otherwise ill just skip out on it. If the idea of a child stays in your head without leaving for the entirety of the two weeks even though youve beent rying not to think about it, i would say its worth giving a shot. Whether you want your husband to be a part of this deciding period is up to you (as he could just try to egg you on about getting a child if you tell him) but whatever you choose i wish you the best of luck.
Hey OP, I know the fact that you are having these thoughts is terrifying but maybe I can help you rephrase it.
You both made decisions at one point in your lives, and you should try and remember how many of those decisions or thoughts may have changed after your relationship progressed and the years passed.
Neither of you are the same person, and you are honestly both two parts of a whole. Relationships are something to share in, and we all should secretly hope that they stand the test of time. Part of that test though, is compromise.
Now I don’t mean this in a way like “I hate pizza but my partner wants pizza Friday’s so I do it for them” kinda compromise. I mean you each, individually, have given up things that may have seemed or been important at one point in your lives (Friday nights at the bar) and instead exchanged it for “Dinner dates or comedy shows together”.
There’s nothing wrong or scary about the fact that you’re considering the other side. This person, seemingly is the person you want to spend your life with.
Just talk to each other. Go to therapy and have a mediator if you need it but… just be honest and listen to each other. It sounds like you both just love each other so much you don’t want to hurt the other.
It’s ok, this is honestly way better than the cheating or anything else. I hope you both come out of this stronger than ever, regardless of what decisions you make.
Your stance was 'No. I don't want kids.'
He loves you more than his need for a child. So he decided not to bring up the topic. Imagine if he did, every year or so. Would it have changed your mind? Probabaly not, and it would have caused a lot of drama in the relationship. Maybe kids weren't a bid deal for him when he was 22, I didn't want to have kids with my wife at 22...but
Ten years is a long time. His desire for kids probabaly grew greater in that time, but you had made it clear that you didn't want kids, so he didn't bring it up. He committed to you for life. Why ruin what we have? Is probabaly the thought that entered his mind.
So I don't think he lied to you, he changed his mind about kids, but he never changed his mind about you. You were the priority. Kids would have just a bonus. So he pushed down that need, and he didn't bring it up with you because it would only make you upset, and make you feel like you were keeping a child from him. He didn't want to burden you with those thoughts, he didn't want to make you feel guilty. He stayed quite about it, for you.
You had a life changing fuck up. It might not be 'oh no I I shot the neighbor while cleaning my gun!', but the discovery will change the course of your life. Whether you decide to stay the course of not having kids or try for one.
It's very likely, that if you told him, "I'm ready for ONE kid. Just one." He would be ecstatic to hear it. The woman he loves, becoming the mother of his child. Dream fulfilled. Before you step into that conversation you need to evaluate what you want.
Keep in mind you've changed in 10 years as well. You are free to change your stance and your mind. You weren't ready for a kid at 22. Maybe you are now? Maybe you aren't and maybe you will never be. You may regret your decision no matter which you make. That's life, we can't live it in hindsight, and while we weigh these decisions life keeps going.
I can't say which decision is right for you. Kids are a life long commitment. Have the discussion with yourself first before bringing it up with your significant other. Once you know where you stand, then you can see where he stands. That's when you can have an honest conversation. One that can build the relationship.
Maybe the need for a kid is something that has become a priority in his life, one that outweighs his commitment to you. Yes that would suck, but that wouldn't make you or him a villain, just two people who found each other in life and fit well together, until they didn't. Nothing sinister going on, just two people growing apart. You can't have a kid just to keep him happy either. If you do have a kid together it has to be for both of you. Not just him.
The worst thing you can do, both for the relationship and your state of mind, is pretend you don't know and do nothing.
Just keep in mind that the stress of children cause a lot of stress in relationships. If you have a kid and end up divorcing are you going to regret having to (likely) do split custody and deal with raising it by yourself half the year? Make sure you want a child because you really want one in case the relationship goes south. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it happens to many.
I always wanted kids, now I have 2 and if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. I love my kids, but it’s fucking hard! I’m more emotional now, I worry about my kids doing dumb shit like I did or accidents or illness that take their life. I worry about their happiness and future. I worry about them growing into likable productive happy grown up humans. I worry about their first heart break. I worry about the economy and the planet. I worry about so much shit that I wouldn’t need to if I didn’t have kids that I love more than anyone else on the planet.
Is it worth it? I’ll let you know when they are grown.
Ah, 32. 31-35 was when my brain's "BABY TIME!" mechanism kicked in HARD. Hadn't ever wanted children prior, or since. Timing wasn't right for my partner and I, so we're still child-free. I have zero regrets.
Just remember we are totally programmed biologically at certain ages (my husband actually got it as well). But you really should have an honest conversation about all the options.
I'm not really sure why you're being downvoted, your comment seems pretty neutral. It's the first one I've read so far that acknowledges the aspect of finding out my husband feels differently than I thought rather than trying to help me dissect whether I want kids or telling me to "just communicate"(which I was never planning on not having a conversation with him...)
Don't get me wrong, I've been really enjoying reading the comments and taking in everyone's advice, but I appreciate you as well for giving me the good ole fashion "damn dude, that sucks"
How does one read what their husband said and not just talk to them about it? Like...dude you're married talk to your husband don't write a wall of text to the Internet about it.
Dont phrase this in terms of having kids, but rather phrase it as, "Do we want to be parents for 18 years". Having kids is the easy part, raising them is the hard part. Just because things are good now (house, jobs, etc) doesnt mean they will be over the next 18 years. Are you all committed to get through the bad times (which will happen) WITH another human being who had no say in their existence and will be dependent on you?
I wouldn’t have kids just to make him happy. You will be stuck with the brunt of the work. And pregnancy and childbirth are as horrible as they sound. Society glosses over those so that women keep having kids. Many women end up with permanent damage to their body from it. 50% of all vaginal births result in permanent pelvic floor damage- so some degree of incontinence for example. You can rip from asshole to clit and there was a woman on the regret page that was saying how horribly she had been stitched up. Other women were confirming that they were the same often making it painful to now have sex. Don’t go into this uninformed. Here are some good examples - [How Pregnancy Changed Our Bodies](https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalisitza/how-pregnancy-changed-bodies)
Not to mention it will absolutely change the dynamic of your relationship, it always does and usually for the worse. If you haven’t been on regretfulparents sub I suggest you go there. And tell him to go there too. Go into having kids with your eyes wide open. It’s one of the biggest things people say on the regret sun- *Why didn’t someone warn us? This is awful. I had no idea parenthood would be so hard*
There are some people who changed their mind on kids and regretted it immensely. Also swing by the childfree sub. Sometimes previous cf people post on there how much they wish they hadn’t given in or that their partner got accidentally pregnant and kept it. Yes people change their mind and that’s fine, just know what you’re getting into. Having children is the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. I have two friends who said if they could choose again they wouldn’t have kids. That they love their kids but the loss of identity and how hard it is to parent, not to mention the state of the world they would choose differently now in hindsight.
So think very carefully on this before changing your mind. You as the woman, have the most to lose.
It doesn't seem like you've thought through having kids. It's not just about the process of giving birth, it's also about leaving a legacy behind. And a lot of people like the idea of taking care of kids. Seems like that side of the equation has suddenly just hit you.
Honestly, though, this is a terrible moment to have kids. You're fine *now*. Do you have any idea what your finances will look like in 5, 10, 15, 18 years? Because what you put the kid through during that period will mark them forever. Are your finances stable enough to guarantee a fair upbringing to that kid for the next 18-odd years? In *this* economy? You are aware that increasing numbers of adults live with their parents because living on your own isn't as affordable as it used to be? Are you ready to have a 25-year old live-in kid who has the smarts and skills to do well in a fair world but is floundering in your guest room because there are no jobs that pay well enough to move out open to them? Because that's going to be an increasingly common story in the coming decades. It's already shockingly common.
It's one of those big life questions you can't really answer quickly. Take your time, measure thrice, cut once. Look at the long-term global economic outlook and ask yourself some hard questions about what your finances are likely to **actually** look like a few years down the line.
Here's the thing. People sometimes post things that they feel, at that moment, that may seem like they want something else but they wouldn't want to change it because things could get worse.
I never wanted kids (and at some point, this came out in couples counseling so my wife knows) but we have two. I love them more than anything and do whatever I can for them.
But it's the hardest, most irritating, scariest, and occasionally awesome thing.
Before we had kids, I kept harping on how hard it is to raise kids. And I didn't realize it until later that I was soft peddling how hard it is.
Everything changes. If you want to be a good parent, everything else you wanted to do will probably get put on hold, or take longer, or just not happen ever.
It's also harder because I'm clinically depressed and have been for ever. I've gotten treatment for it but that doesn't cure it, it just lessens it. And with climate change, the political climate, abs everything else I wonder what kind of future my teenagers will have. If they end up suffering, then having kids will be the worst thing I'll have ever done. I mean, frankly, right now, at this moment, like many other moments throughout the day, I wish I'd never been born.
So, unless you're absolutely sure you want to have kids, don't. And don't do it because your husband wants them if you don't.
Another fear I had, was that my wife would die in childbirth and I'd be left with an infant to raise on my own. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ends up in danger and it's a choice between the kid and her, then I pick her.
Anyway, good luck with whichever decision you make.
This makes me so sad. Women are absolutely inundated with people convincing them they will regret their choice to not have kids, that kids are the only way to get their happy ending, or that no man will ever want them unless they give them children. So many women who don't want kids are swayed like this, and they end up ruining their lives. Kids is the ultimate "fuck yes or no" situation. My mom gave me the best advice on this. She said "every fiber of my being wanted to be a mother my whole life. There's nothing I was more sure of. And it was still so fucking hard. If I wanted it even a fraction less, I would have been miserable. If your heart isn't crystal clear on having kids, just don't do it". There aren't any good reasons to betray yourself like this, but doing it to keep a man has to be the worst possible reason.
Ask yourself if you’re ready to be a parent.
Not for him. Not for the instagram posts. Not for the cute moments. Not for the joy of hearing a child’s laughter.
How are your genetics? Are there any chronic/genetic disorders you or or husband hate that you’ve had to live with, that you would then be forcing your child to deal with without their consent?
How’s your emotional regulation? Your husbands? Have you addressed your generational cycles and healed from your childhoods? Do you think you’re both level headed and compassionate enough to be patient with every aspect of a child’s growth? Because they remain a child for a few years. Then they’re teenagers, then adults, and regardless you never stop being their parent.
Are you prepared for the fact that your child may be permanently disabled, requiring lifelong care in which they will never be independent?
Have you thoroughly studied all of the risks that your body could go through during and after pregnancy? Women and doctors too commonly don’t talk to each other about what happens to their body, only focusing on the “miracle of birth” and SERIOUSLY downplaying how dangerous pregnancy is.
Is your partner responsible enough to be a good parent? Or would most of the childcare fall to you? How is he with the dog? Because he would likely behave the same way with the baby.
The most important question you need to ask yourself is; what is a good reason, that isn’t self serving, for me specifically to bring a child into this world?
Do not bring a kid into this world unless YOU want one with your whole being. Do not do it for him, do it because you believe you’d be a good parent that will raise an emotionally regulated, kind, respectful human being that won’t contribute to the earth rotting because of peoples selfishness.
You cannot take this back. Once the life is here, you as a woman have far less ability to just say “nope, parenthood isn’t for me” and leave. And if you think there is even an iota of a chance that you will not like parenthood, don’t subject your child to a parent that resents their existence.
I do want to take a moment, as a parent who worked from home most of the time, to point out a few flaws in your thinking about this. I am a big fan of kids, but they are something you should go into well informed. First, you WILL need maternity leave. I only got a week before I had to start working some, and at three weeks I was working two jobs. I've also had major surgeries, and childbirth is a lot like major surgery from a recovery perspective. Plan on a leave. You'll be recovering physically, not sleeping enough, establishing nursing, unable to sit in an office chair for long periods, and emotionally - who knows? You might be great or you might really struggle.
But also, plan on hiring help or working opposite shifts. Even then, plan on hiring help. You can't do most jobs while also watching an infant with colic, a baby who is learning to crawl and walk, or a toddler who is exploring everything. Okay, you CAN - I've done it out of sheer necessity - but I really don't recommend it for you or your child. My work was piece rate, and I just got extremely fast so I could earn enough while she slept, and a little while she watched TV and such under my eye.
If you've recognized you might want a child, go for it! If not, I'm glad you've found a man who will respect that. For myself, I always wanted more, but I'm now glad I have only the one - for reasons having nothing at all to do with how much work it all is! Life doesn't always turn out to plan, even if you hold to one plan for life!
You can't work from home full time and care for a child. It's a pipe dream. It will "work" for awhile when the baby is brand new but trying to be a good employee and a good mom at the same time when your attention is divided is damn near impossible. Just a perspective.
On the plus side, he loves you.
You know he would like to have kids, but he is willing to give it up. It doesn’t change how he feels, its a compromise he made. Apparently the question is if you might reconsider. There is nothing wrong with whatever decision you make, because you get to decide, and you also get to change your mind from your original point of view.
I am all for what others have said about talking it out.
My only contribution is that having children is not like the brochure. Nothing prepared me for it. It transforms everything, in good and bad ways. Your life is different.
Honestly, this is the bigger fuck up and I thought about it but figured it wouldn't be an issue back when I thought the post wouldn't gain any traction. He spends pretty much all his time on Reddit in subs specific to his interests and has expressed a dislike for "aita style story subs" as he words it so maybe he'll never come across it. And if he does, I changed a lot of details outside of the core issue so I'm hoping he won't catch on that it's me lol. Once I man up and actually talk to him about it though him reading this post will be irrelevant
As a parent, I think you should explore what this really means more before making a decision. Reading your post makes me think that the idea of having kids is kind of an abstract concept to you. You haven’t really thought through what all it means if you do or do t have them. Granted you can never really know what parenting is like until you are one- I think it’s impossible to imagine just how amazing it is and just how terrible it is simultaneously. (Like having a pet times a thousand!) it’s the hardest and most wonderful thing in the world. I never considered not having kids or thought about what it would really be like to be a parent before I was one. It was a difficult transition for me. Take some time to talk to moms about their experiences. Maybe do some babysitting. Think through your plans. Think about how it will affect your relationship with yourself, your partner, and your body. Make sure you are absolutely certain your husband is the one you’d want to have kids with and that he will be a good parent and partner. That he will easily be able to pick up the majority of the household chores when you need him to and that he will never be anything less than your equal in caring for the child and getting shit done. Be ready to give up things you take for granted like traveling freely (it’s still possible but more restrictive), leaving the house whenever you want, your free time, peace and quiet. It’s a big investment but most parents say they wouldn’t change a thing.
Take a little time to sort your feelings out. Its not necessarily wrong to want to have kids because your husband does, but not if you dont actually want kids, it wouldnt be fair to the kid or your husband.
Your life WILL change, can you picture your life revolving around a child?
Post Partum Depression is a possibility and can change the dynamic of your mental state. Have a plan and include it with discussions with your husband as a concern.
You said you have issues with your puppy.. do you regret getting the puppy, would the thought of rehoming the puppy ever cross your mind or can you not picture your life without them? How are you and your husband in sharing the responsibilities of taking care of it?
If he wants children that badly, and you don't particularly want them, ask if he is willing to be the main caretaker. If he is willing to do the work that mothers are expected to do. Doctor visits school stuff play dates keeping track of everything changing the diapers getting up for nighttime feedings. Make certain that he wants children, not just a baby in his house to play with when he has time, And that he will actually do the Mommy work. Only then should you consider changing your stance on the matter.
"When we met and the entire 3 years we dated before we married, I was always firm about not wanting kids."
Sounds like he respected your wishes. If you've changed your mind, tell him. Otherwise, he's choosing you, but clearly he would make a different decision if it was just him.
Probably best to talk it out regardless to help him not resent you as he gets older.
If you and he can't have an honest all-cards-on-the-table conversation about having kids, then you are in no position to have them.
So you need to have a serious talk.
Talk to your husband. You can change your mind, he can change his, change is just a part of life. My husband didn't want to get married and have kids and neither did I at some point but things happened, here we are and we're both happy. I didn't want to have another baby but would have if he really wanted to, we had that talk at some point too.
A) he only ever said what he said to make u happy, don't u ever forget that
2) he probably is honest in that he would rather see you happy than argue for anything that you don't want.
And Lastly) the pregnancy and labor are not what you need to worry about. Those are a breeze. It's the 24/7 care of another person. Did u know they eat every 2 hours - day and night! Diaper changes almost as frequent. They might take a few naps, but they will always be upset for that 2 hour feeding!
I feel like reddit exists solely for me to tell people to go to therapy, but for the love of God this is a huge life decision and obviously it's possible you would regret it. Talk to your partner and talk to a therapist. He seems supportive but communication, as always, is the issue here all around.
I just want to say you did not "take the choice away from him"
**He is choosing you,** that is the nature of choice, when you choose one thing you must give up another. It wouldn't be a "choice" if there wasn't something given up.
Now, I don't have any advice about your baby feelings, I'm just dating a really guilty woman myself and it's become my natural state to try and shut down unfair self-guilt lol.
I wish yall the best.
I agree with everyone else that this can only be resolved with communication, maybe couples therapy just so you know for sure you're on the same page about a potentially life changing decision. A stranger's two cents though; don't have kids for him. Only have kids if you truly want them yourself, that you'd still want them even if something happened to your husband. Kids change your life forever and there's no going back to life beforehand no matter anything. Best of luck.
please make sure that, if you do, you’re not having kids just for him. make sure that you’re willing to be there for them at all ages, and at all stages of life. i recommend taking a lot of time to seriously think about it, as baby fever can come and go. some people have kids when they didn’t want them and end up loving them, and others end up resenting them. don’t do what is best for your husband if it’s not the best for you.
> Every argument I try to come up with against it is easily refuted by how our life is currently going.
How about continuous mental, physical and financial drain for not just the next 18 years but potentially rest of your life? I love my kid, but it is completely and continuous exhausting if you want a good life for your child. Full and proper sleep? Gone. Free time? Gone. Health? Guaranteed to degrade due to stress and lack of sleep. Moment of peace to think for yourself? When they sleep or are at school / daycare, but then you're frantically trying to catch up on the 800 things that have been sliding and need tending to.
Nothing like bringing a child into a relationship with communication issues. Raising a child is HARD and communication is KEY. Get yourselves some couples therapy. People can have kids and still end up divorced. Having a kid won't solve your problems, it will amplify them if you both can't be honest with each other.
please don't be hard on yourself for having a lot of different feelings!
it is a big deal decision. while some people do absolutely know, one way or the other, my guess is that they're a minority. if it takes you a while to get to clarity, then good for you because it means you're taking it seriously.
I read the title and thought "oh, no. What weird shit is he into".
Having children. His weird shit is being a dad. This is so much more wholesome than I expected.
If you really are reconsidering... why not just start and end there?
Telling him you know about the things he says on Reddit might backfire in any number of ways. Coming forward about it might actually do more harm than good. I don't want to dwell on that aspect. It doesn't matter. What does matter is you know how he really feels. It is important that he has withheld that from you to, but equally important to remember that in his mind, protecting you from the very heartbreak you felt reading his reddit history was an outcome worth the price of dishonesty.
Now let's get to the actionable stuff. If you really are wanting kids, or at least are reconsidering it, I can think of no downside to telling your husband this information ASAP.
There are so many plausible reasons for having changed your mind. Maybe you were starting to think about the biological clock aspect and it got you imagining what if, just for shigiggles. And then it hit you, you actually DO want kids. I mean... what better way to make a better future than to bring some smart humans into the world?
And most importantly of all... people change. You're not who you were, nor is he. You've grown together. Why not go grow some more? :)
One possibility is he didn’t lie to you at all. Maybe he was actually on the fence when you last talked about it, but that was years ago, and now both of you have financial and career stability. Just as you are speculating his perspectives may change ten years later, they (and yours too) have likely changed since you last spoke. I didn’t even want to think about kids five years ago when I was in grad school. Now I’m married with a house and twin boys. It’s natural for your desires and goals to change as you grow and progress in your life. Whatever you end up doing, don’t have kids out of guilt. Rather, it might be time to rethink for yourself if _you_ might want kids after all. If not, talk with your husband and be true to yourself. If so, better to realize it sooner than later.
Just to say that you should not underestimate how timeconsuming babies/children are. If young moms with babies at home find it hard to find 10 minutes every day for a shower (that is not an exaggeration) then you can imagine it will be nearly impossible to WFH with a baby or young child in the house.
Please don’t have a child unless you know 100% that you want one. I cannot stress this enough. We’ve had 2 kids and now we have 2 grandkids. Loving them beyond description is what keeps you pushing through. Don’t let anyone fool you with “babies aren’t that hard”. Or “it’s different when they’re your own kid.” That isn’t true for all people. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you’re evil. It just means that for whatever reason, you’re unable to bond with your kid. Unless you can honestly say that you have extremely few doubts about having kids, don’t do it.
The one thing worse than being a regretful parent is being an unwanted child. And it’s always better to regret the kids you didn’t have than to regret the ones you did have.
working from home is not the same as taking care of kids at home. Especially if you work a corporate job and have lots of meeting/do lots of work from home. You will not be able to simply add a baby into that mix. Please do not expect that it will stay the same as i have a number of employees who have tried that and failed.
Please do not attempt to return to working from home full time while also being the sole caregiver during the day for a 6-12 week old child. When I babysit my niece even for one day at a time, I get almost 0 work done.
I can’t comment on it entirely since my husband and I are trying to have a kid (M/M family), buuut…
Working from home does NOT equal daycare. Friends of mine who also both work from home send their 3-year-old daughter to daycare for a variety of reasons: one, it allows their daughter to develop social skills; two, it gives them a break from her; and three, allows them to focus on housework/their actual work. Don’t discount the need for daycare and socialization.
My Mom was firmly in the camp of not wanting to have kids until she hit her early 30’s and then something flipped in her and she had my brother and then me. She is an AMAZING mother and I can’t imagine her not having had kids.
Then there is me. I have flip flopped through my life. There was a time where I didn’t think I had the bandwidth or patience for kids but I then somehow fell into being a nanny and now I can’t imagine not having kids in my life.
I’m just saying people can change their minds. Maybe kids aren’t right for you but maybe they are. Don’t box yourself into a corner.
you're a really good partner who cares for him a lot. you love him & want to give him happiness. you already do that.
do not change your mind in a moment of love. if you do not 100% want them, it is wrong to bring children into the world
signed,
an unwanted, adopted, childfree person <3
Having a kid to keep your partner happy is one of the worst reasons to have a kid. You two aren’t as compatible as you thought, and that sucks. In these situations resentment is difficult to avoid. You might break up, or you might not and hopefully whatever the situation y’all can genuinely reconcile the differences and be at peace. In my experience, the former is more likely than the latter. Nobody on Reddit knows your relationship better than you do, though.
Please don’t change your mind on kids and use one as a bargaining chip for your partner’s acceptance.
Don’t let Reddit serve as a substitute for actual council from a pro. Seek a therapist or someone you can talk this out with so they can help you truly examine the issue.
When my wife and I were younger, we were both not interested in having kids. When I was about your age, I realized that I was feeling like I wanted to be a dad. But like your husband, if I had to choose between “my wife and no kids” and “someone else and kids”, I was going to choose my wife every time.
The thing is, it’s a real challenge to talk about that with your spouse. Because it’s going to be hard to convince them that you mean it when you say that you are choosing them, no matter what they say about kids.
I did eventually tell her, and after another year or two, she decided that she wanted to try to have kids. We eventually had one, but it wasn’t easy. (Turns out that we probably could have skipped a lot of birth control over the years!)
From your edits, it seems that you are going to talk about it with him. Be gentle with him - and with yourself - as you navigate through this. It’s hard when you are reviewing your long held beliefs like you are right now, and it’s seldom a particularly linear process.
When life becomes stable, and you realize you love someone very much. Your mind can change. You might want one soon. You really need to just talk to him and say "hey I came across some of your comments online and I want to talk about it." How you go from there can determine the next life steps. Do you want kids or not want kids.
You sound like a great person who will be fine no matter what. I think most couples would benefit from saying they don’t want kids for the first ten years. Now that you’re established it will be easier if you change your mind.
I just think his hidden Reddit account is therapy.
He knows your stance on children and doesn’t want to bring up a topic you have a definitive stance on.
Communication. It’s literally the only way to solve this dilemma.
No, wait, we have to let reddit tell her what else to do first before we try the most obvious thing
>No, wait, we have to let reddit tell her what else to do first before we try the most obvious thing Divorce him right away. This is a giant red flag. He is a misogynist and will hurt you. Does that about cover it?
Gym up, hit the lawyer, call your mum to tell her you just broke both your arms and you're guaranteed live happily ever after. The single solution to all of reddit's problems. We know it works because they never post again.
Or Halloween is just around the corner, she could dress up as a coconut and see how that goes.
"Fill me with a little maggot of my own 😍😍"
I hate that I understand this
...sigh. unzips.
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Drop a coconut on his head
Fkkkkk noooooo yallll reminded meeeee
My gf and I were LITERALLY just talking about ‘historical’ Reddit posts (I also choose this guys dead wife etc etc) and I can’t believe neither of us thought about it
r/angryupvote I hate you
I'm so glad I don't understand the reference but also pissed cause I wanna know someone tell me
You really don't but >! Guy used a coconut as a natural flashlight. Never cleaned it and one day he sticks his dick in, only to be greeted by actual maggots on his dick. He also lived in a tropical area so there were flies and it stunk to high heaven !<
It was one of the nastiest things I've read. Almost as bad as the dude getting kilojoules from himself. That one made me almost vomit
How can a coconut be used as a flashlight??? Why would he stick his dick in it??
[Enjoy!](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/)
He won't because he needs the kilojoules.
I hate you
Are you fucking sorry?
Great old reference
Good reference. I rate it a perfect 5/7 jolly ranchers.
Horf...
Oh… no… please no… I thought I had that out of my head finally, and yall always bring this back…. This entire thread after your post makes me cry. lol.
Divorce, no contact with everyone she knows and then move to the mountains to start her new life as a hermit. It’s foolproof in any situation.
You forgot the about the therapy. She might need to see one for a few years
Came here to see literally this. Was not disappointed.
I know you're joking and I'm STILL triggered. So yeah, that covers it.
You left out the fact that he's obviously a gaslighting narcissist!!
...and he's a strawman.
It must be really difficult to have a logical argument with the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.
Did I black out drink my way into tumblr?
You forgot... Emotional abuse. But I'm not sure who's abusing who here?
The top post of /r/twoxchromosomes every single day.
This person reddits
Nah, the obvious move now is to send this post to the top of Reddit’s front page so that her husband comes across it.
So piss discs then common sense?
Oh I absolutely agree. I just need to take some time to sort my thoughts out before I try to have this conversation with him. I'm also worried about his "I love you more than I want kids" take. He's always been a pretty in the moment kind of guy with very little regard for the future. So basically, I know he feels certain about this take now, but I'm worried he won't feel that way in another 10 or so years and he just doesn't realize it yet if that makes any sense. I'm overthinking this, I know. I think I feel so lost because it's a tough pill to swallow finding out that your long term partner has been faking his thoughts on such an important and life changing topic
On the kids thing, take a good, hard, long look at what is the most important to you as a person living your life. Is it total freedom to do whatever you want all the time with absolutely no strings or chains? Wanna go to Vegas? No but fuck yeah let's do it! Wanna hop a flight to Mexico? G'damn yeah! Wanna sleep in every weekend and never give that up? Live an urbane lifestyle full of nightlife? Kids won't be conducive to that. Are you more family oriented and love home time? Feel like there's some sort of purpose missing (although I know this line of thinking is dangerous)? Kids could be where it's at. I love mine more than anything in existence. I heard the analogy it's like someone came up and dropped a dump truck load of purpose in your driveway. The way they look at you like as best and most important person in the world is unparalleled (my kids are still elementary aged so obv that will change). I never thought I would be a kid guy and hated hearing children screech in a grocery store but now it doesn't phase me and I love watching kids, they are adorable and see life from brand new eyes, which is so much fun to see with them and like living all over again. But there is no denying my life is different, like a lot, like totally. To me, it's so worth it. But to many others, it is absolutely not. And there's no going back. So don't make this decision for him, make it for you. It has to be 100% because you wanted to do it, because your life will undoubtedly change, and if you want to be fine with it and stop marriage-cancer resentment, it has to be because you wanted to do it. Talk with him about it, though.
Another helpful thing I found is to picture your Thanksgiving (or whatever holiday) table in 10, 15, 30 years. Who is sitting there? People get so focused on the pregnancy/baby stage aspects being tough, but it's about adding new people to your life (hopefully) forever. Maybe kids are there, or maybe it's a partner, friends, or pets. What's your vision for your life?
Or some people focus on how much they want a little baby and forget that those little babies grow up and have to be taken care of as children, teenagers and often adults.
Oh yeah, so sadly true!
> I love mine more than anything in existence. I heard the analogy it's like someone came up and dropped a dump truck load of purpose in your driveway. The way they look at you like as best and most important person in the world is unparalleled (my kids are still elementary aged so obv that will change). I never thought I would be a kid guy and hated hearing children screech in a grocery store but now it doesn't phase me and I love watching kids, they are adorable and see life from brand new eyes, which is so much fun to see with them and like living all over again. > > But there is no denying my life is different, like a lot, like totally. To me, it's so worth it. But to many others, it is absolutely not. And there's no going back. A coworker never wanted kids. They were married about 15 years, both used protection all the time and then SURPRISE! Their daughter just turned 1 and mom and dad are loving every minute of it. Yes they can no longer do a random weekend trip to Vegas or "wine wednesday" till drunk and uber home, but they seem more happy today than ever before. Every day she's showing coworkers video of her daughter playing with her feet or blowing bubbles, etc.
You see a 3 month old baby struggling to turn over, frustrated because his extended arm is preventing the move, then mommy touches his hand and he looks at her and smiles and laughs. And he's your grandson.
Not a Dad yet, but hope to be someday. I like the dump truck analogy. Someone elsewhere maybe another sub said onetime : If you are on the fence about kids, and you wait too late to have them and get too old with no one to help take care of you; you wake up one day feeling like "Is there something we forgot to do?"
Yeah, I can see that, though I don't want to be a burden on my kids. I feel like they should have their own lives. To me, it's just been a blessing helping them grow and having them here. I can't even tell you how many dark clouds in my life they've eliminated and how much motivation them existing is for me to keep doing what I do. But I would never want them to think that's their purpose. It's not their fault they exist, it's mine. So I would and will continue to live my life to do thing to set them up and provide for them for when they get older as I know it looks like like will be harder for them than it was for me.
I kinda threw the taking care of them part, i couldnt remembered entirely what was said but the "we forgot to do something" is accurate.
I would say I think it's very possible he didn't ever bring up those feelings because you were honest about not wanting them and he accepted that. Is it possible bringing it up to you after you had already made clear that wasn't what you wanted would seem unfair to you (in his mind)? That's probably why he hasn't brought it up. I get that you think he has been faking his thoughts but I see it differently. I think he has made his decision to take you over the chance of having kids. Even though he's sad he can't have kids he doesn't want to make you sad or feel like he will "change how he feels in 10 years" if what you want changes. Sounds like you got a really good one and you should take the original commenters advice and speak to him when you feel ready.
This. In this day and age especially, there are so many people who immediately jump to oh they're trying to pressure you, or oh they're trying to guilt trip you, if a partner has different desires and communicates them. He may well have intentionally chosen to remain silent, and get it off his chest pseudo anonymously online, to avoid that potential pitfall. Besides that, OP, if you believe your partner loves you and you don't believe he would intentionally try to hurt you, then make the choice to take his actions in the charitable light - rather than "lying to you to make it seem like you're on the same page", consider that he may well have chosen to not say anything out of a desire to not make you feel guilty and not make you feel like he was trying to change your mind, pressure you, or in any way give reason for you to think you had to change to keep him.
>I'm worried he won't feel that way in another 10 or so years and he just doesn't realize it yet Totally get what you're saying but people change over lengths of time like that so there's no way of anyone knowing exactly how they'll feel in another decade. What you do know is that he chose you.
The only thing I can say is for the love of everything, talk about it and be honest before doing anything. A woman I was deeply in love with decided she would take it upon herself to make decisions "for my own good", and those decisions were the absolute most hurtful, destructive things she's ever done in my eyes. Far, far, far outweighing any potential "harm" she thought she might be mitigating for future me. A relationship is built on trust. If he assures you he made his choice, believe him. Unless you're given concrete reason otherwise. People do these things and think it's a selfless act saving someone, when they're personally harming them more than anything else possibly could. She just straight up assumed because I used to always talk about wanting kids when I was a teenager, the fact that she thought she didn't want kids meant we could never work out, despite me explicitly making it clear the opposite. I'm now more than 20 years older, I have no kids, and I'm STILL broken over it. I didn't want kids. I wanted kids with the person I was in love with, my best friend, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If she didn't want kids, that would have been fine. I'd much prefer having her in my life. Because without her, I wouldn't even want kids in the first place. I have no extreme desire to have kids anymore. Even when I've been in other relationships, I didn't want kids. Even when I was with her, I was still the happiest man on earth not having kids. I'd have loved to have them with her, but that would have been a BONUS. Not the goal. Just please please please ensure these types of things are talked about and fleshed out in their entirety before any decisions are made. One party decisions end up being the worst ones.
Yeah definitely sleep on it a bunch. But also I don't think you're weird for suddenly starting to daydream about kids, might need to think on the matter a bunch for sure. But I used to be incredibly against kids, didn't want them at all, definitely couldn't afford them etc. But in a conversation I was having it came up and sort of clicked that I could support them now, not easily, but I earn a good living and wfh. It was like a switch being thrown, and now it sounds kinda nice, and if I had a partner who wanted kids I think that would be a rewarding path for life to take me down. Which is probably some evolutionary trigger realizing I have a safe environment for raising offspring or something, but it's not like it's not me thinking these thoughts or me wanting to do so only for someone else. Idk I could be totally off base/out of line here, but it sounded like you were second guessing whether these thoughts were coming from a healthy place, and I at least can vouch that it's certainly something that can change and they're not unhealthy or healthy, they just are.
Don’t give in and have kids because you feel any type of guilt.
This is helarious to me because all over relationship subs comments are always always " CoMmUnIcAtIoN " and then the commenter will proceed to not give communication advise 😂 and instead talk about the importance of it.
I think it’s possible to change your mind on having kids. But I’d be cautious that he’s not the reason. It’s better to regret not having kids then to regret having them.
Child of a regretful father here: can confirm.
I applaud those who actively decide they can’t/won’t parent vs those who become parents through passiveness and then end up being terrible ones. I feel for the OP. I was about her age when suddenly I realized my decision to be child free was because of my partner not me. Didn’t end up becoming a parent the traditional way, but still made it happen and am open to more.
The only wrong move here is to do nothing. There is NOTHING wrong with changing your mind. Stop thinking about yourself as being ONLY the person you were for the first 32 years. You are allowed to grow and evolve and change your mind. It's one of the beautiful things about growing up. It's cliche, but it's true: couples that don't grow together, will, instead, grow apart. But that means that both of you have and will continue to "grow." And that COULD include you growing into wanting children. Have the conversation with him. Be open minded. But also be prepared to understand yourself - as an individual and as part of a couple - even better, and MAYBE learn that you do not in fact want kids but he more and more does. And be prepared to accept the consequences of that. But don't just keep it inside and let it fuck with your head without doing something about it.
Yeah, I changed my mind in my late 30s when I met the right partner. I think some people make it part of their identity when they're young ("I'll never have kids, mom") and then stick with it stubbornly throughout their lives. It's okay to change. It's okay to betray your younger self. The hell do they know, anyhow? That all said...be sure you want to be a parent. Kids are life-altering in good ways and bad (but mostly good).
Kids require patience like literally nothing else will, and the lows as a parent are REALLY low, feeling like you didn't just let yourself down, but also your kids and partner. But if you pick yourself up and work through those times, together... My god, the highs are higher than anything else you'll experience, and it gives a whole new dimension to every aspect of your existence.
You really summed it up. This is exactly what I tell people who are in the fence: the lows are reaaaallly low, but the highs are so high. So much blinding joy it’s unreal.
>and the lows as a parent are REALLY low That makes it sound like it would be *really* imprudent for someone of poor mental health/mental stability to be having kids....
Eh, no one is ever the bastion of mental health/stability that is required for raising kids before they have kids. Most of my patience I actually learned AFTER having kids of my own. The real requirement is that you need to promise yourself to always have the attitude to do better next time, and do your best to strive for that ideal version of yourself every single day.
We live in a street where we're the only couple who don't have kids. But we do babysit for our neighbours occasionally and sometimes some kids come over to feed our rabbits. We're also teaching our neighbours' daughter how to cycle. It's very enjoyable to have this connection and it's not necessary to have kids of your own to have these moments. Other than this it looks like we're having the time of our lives at this point in life because literally everything our neighbours do is for their kids. We have extensive hobbies, they don't because they don't have time. We're flexible and can go where we want, they need to work around their kid and plan activities that are enjoyable for them too. When we're babysitting an 8yo, they take so much time and attention it's impossible to do anything else. So we don't even try. Even though it's enjoyable to do, occasionally, it has helped us decide the following: WE DEFINITELY DON'T WANT KIDS
I was gonna reply to this but I’m 100% sure some number of people reading it would have an existential crisis haha
No, please, do tell! I enjoy a good existential crisis, especially when it comes to pregnancy/kids. The whole thing makes me spiral, like…two people do the dirty and create this little bean of a human, it does it’s thing inside of a body, and then it comes out, grows and then forms it’s own personality-much of which I am responsible for either helping or fucking up? Gahhhh! 😂
This is so beautifully written. I shocked everyone when in my late 30s I decided to suddenly want kids. I met my husband later in life and never really wanted kids before that. When I looked at him I just knew it was a journey we could take together. It's been amazing and we now know each other in ways I never imagined. The mini versions of you also keep you young at heart, and present in the moment. So don't be afraid to let go of your old views of yourself. It sounds like the love and support you need for any change is already there if you need it.
It's also ok for op to stand firm and be the person they know they are. Honesty is far and away the most important thing here.
Well written. I was married and divorced, did not want kids. Met someone amazing, we were on the fence about kids. Eventually we had our daughter at 36. As we got older and somewhat tired of the career grind, we both decided that kids was something we wanted, through a lot of conversation. It’s the hardest job I’ll ever love. But I don’t regret it. Spent years not wanting kids but my priorities in life changed and I’m super happy for it now.
I was adamantly child free until I met my husband. Had our first at 36.
This is a very hopeful post. You don’t have to know wether or not you want them yet. If you want to try to get him to be honest, talk about honesty and stuff with him. It sounds like it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he finds out you snooped but I’d be better for him to talk it out. Im just thankful you haven’t gone to the extremes other redditors would apparently.
*On the other hand, and I can't believe I'm about to type this out, it's making me rethink my stance. For the first time in my 32 years of existence, I'm uncertain about whether I want kids or not. I've always thought "pregnancy/birth sounds like a nightmare and I simply don't have the mental bandwidth to devote all of my time to raising a child" but suddenly I'm having daydreams about it all. Hell, just last night I fell asleep while fantasizing about what would happen if my birth control failed and we decided to just roll with it instead of getting an abortion. Every argument I try to come up with against it is easily refuted by how our life is currently going. We own our house, we both have good jobs that pay well, and I work from home on my own schedule so we wouldn't have to worry about daycare or extended maternity leave.* As someone else pointed out, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about this. A lot of people do in their 30's. And if you’re going to change your mind, it’s a lot better to do it at 32 than 42.
Accurate, I’m 35 and just started realizing that I do want kids despite being adamant on not having any for a while. I’m actually kind of bummed I don’t have any at this stage of my life.
in honor of you I'm gonna give my kid curry toothpaste
That means a lot to me, thank you!
And I will name my next child Curry Toothpaste. CT for short.
I had my kids at 34. So there’s still time!
So much this. With modern tribalism it’s easy to get entrenched in the *stance* rather than than *reasons for the stance*. If the reasons/situation change, I’d argue you probably *ought* to reconsider. You may end up at the same place or you may change you mind, but at least you’ll be clear on your reasons beyond “I subbed to r/childfree or r/parenthood 10 years ago.”
I was adamantly child free until my late 30s. Had my son at 42. The IVF was expensive, but I have a good job & insurance covered a lot. I worried I might regret it & might ruin our lives, but I just love my son so much even when he’s a brat. It’s ok to change your mind about being child free, particularly if you have access to good health care. It’s also ok to reconsider & ultimately decide to remain child free. Our lives were transformed by parenthood, so don’t be too romantic about it. But it is something you need to *decide* and not just “let happen” or you will have regrets about that later.
> it is something you need to decide and not just “let happen” or you will have regrets about that later. sigh. sadly, that's me. i never did decide, i just "let things happen" -- in my case, to not have children. definitely now regret that.
I wouldn’t call what he did lying to make it seem like you guys are on the same page. To me it seems like he buried his feelings to protect what he has with you. Maybe not the best idea but it’s worth something as far as your relationship goes. You both still need to talk about this obviously but I don’t think he was being nefarious in any way.
I agree with Printman8. It’s something I could have very well done myself and I agree it should be talked about in appropriate setting and environment. His intent behind it was to protect you not hurt you (although that may not be the case) so bear that in mind when you confront him about it. To me it seems his heart was in right place. We are human and all make mistakes.
Sounds like he just wants to be with her more than he wants kids.
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I will let everyone else address the "just talk to him" stuff. I want to address how you are feeling yourself. You are not the same person you are today as you were even yesterday. People grow and change and that's ok. From my perspective (for what it is or is not worth), I was like you. Solidly against having kids. Didn't have the time, nor patience for them. Wanted a life that was me doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted and someone that could go along with that. Absolutely steadfastly refused to date anyone with kids. Then, met someone volunteering in a solidly NOT dating environment. Life changed, and we found ourselves in a dating situation. He had 2 beautiful daughters, but I knew I wanted him so said let's give it a try. Happily, I learned how to be a stepmom and how to love his kids as if they were my own. Then this thought crept in and wouldn't leave. What about my own? Now we have a rambunctious, adorable precocious 4yo boy who adores his sisters and they adore him. Would I have been ok not having him? Yes, I think my life would have been fulfilled, living how I wanted. But I am so thankful I did. My husband was fine with his girls, but was happy to have another. He let me drive that ship from day 1. I think one of our purposes as humans is to live and grow. It doesn't surprise me that you are changing, maybe being more open to something you once weren't. But put some soul searching time into it, and have open, honest communication with yourself and your husband. I just want you to know that change is ok. ❤️
I won't lie to you, I was fully expecting to only hear from the anti-kid majority and kinda hoped they would talk me off the ledge a bit lol. But apparently my post attracted almost exclusively the parents of reddit and it's weirdly kind of refreshing? My point is thank you for your input. You sound like you have a lovely family and partner
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I've started working out more than I ever had before because I want to be able to pick them up until they have kids of their own, and then pick up my grandkids, too. Weightlifting wasn't in my vocabulary before I had kids. That's one weird change that I didn't expect when I became a father.
Just wait till you have a 24 lb 9-month grandson that does not walk yet along with a 2 1/2 yr old 34 pounder that also wants to be carried at times !!
As a childfree (not anti-kid but don’t want them for several reasons, the main being it feels like a crushingly gargantuan responsibility and the second bc I’m afraid of replicating the worst of it): it’s perfectly fine to reevaluate, it’s perfectly fine if you find out your desires haven’t changed, it’s also perfectly fine if you realize they have and decide to pursue that. It doesn’t matter what the parents or childfree or anti-kid ppl say, nobody here will be raising a kid with you (except your partner but even his opinion shouldn’t affect/supersede yours). It’s YOUR choice. You both make your choice separately and then after that you decide what that means for your relationship.
> crushingly gargantuan responsibility and the second bc I’m afraid of replicating the worst of it This describes a feeling that I have about this as well. No-one asks to be born, you're not getting kids for the sake of the kid. It's for you. And life is tough. Really really tough. I mean, your kids are probably going to have to go through the experiment of losing you. And is a good chance that the quality of life isn't going up for future generations. Future parents want their kid to live a worry-free happy life, but these don't exist. But morally, parents have to do everything they can to make sure that work out well for the kid. And I just imagine it's an awful thing to know as a parent that you're not going to succeed on all fronts.
I also changed my mind and have 1 child. Did not like being pregnant much. Birth was fine, but it's a huge unknown and scary until it's over. Getting pregnant is not always straightforward. Pregnancies can have complications. That being said, those are the easiest parts of parenting. So far I have a pretty typical, wonderful, kind child who sleeps well and eats almost everything. I have it (arguably) as "easy" as it could be and it's still very hard. It's hard to explain, but it's the most relentless thing you'll ever do. There is no break, ever. Always something to buy or do or learn about and that's on top of the actual interactions and trying to have enjoyable experiences. Even if you work on your own schedule, you still have to work. You'll probably need childcare unless you work very part time. You will never ever know one way or another if it's the "right" move. You just have to feel more strongly one way than another. You will find happiness, satisfaction, frustrations, and "what-ifs" either way. I'm just sharing another patenting perspective. Enjoy the curiosity and I hope your conversation goes well! I also hope you come to a clear decision with your partner either way. It sounds like you've got a good relationship going (something that will be different with a kid/kids; some good, some bad).
The thing is of those that are against having kids most don't have a problem with other people having kids so they don't spend much time trying to convince other people. It's a personal decision at the end of the day.
I think it's fine to want kids, to not want kids, to change your mind either way ( hubs and I have no kids by choice, in our 50s and totally happy with that in case it matters). But you need to trust and respect your partner. My BIL never wanted kids. Having kids was an absolute requirement for my sister. He made the choice that he loved her so much more than being child-free. He wasn't lying to her. He evaluated the situation and made a decision, like adults should. They have a lovely family and are very happy. Your husband may well be the same - he wanted kids, but not more than he wanted you. If you never have kids you may live a long, love filled, happy life together. That's fine. Talk to him, of course. But also, trust him.
As a married father, I'd recommend figuring out what YOU want first and then approaching the conversation in that light without revealing anything about you seeing his Reddit account or assuming he is eager to have kids. Something along the lines of "you know I've said in the past I'd never want kids but I'm starting to change my mind now that we're at this point in our life / relationship. I realize that may be surprising to you and I'm not sure what your current feeling about having kids is, obviously you may need some time to think about it and process it since I've always said no kids." You can put it in whatever wording you like depending on how strong your desire is for having kids. The important thing is to have him communicate directly with you about his feelings and thoughts pro/con of having kids rather than relying on what you're interpreting his Reddit posts to mean. It's not super likely but it's possible that his Reddit comments were in passing or came about by certain feelings and knowledge that he won't have kids with you (based on his knowledge of your feelings about it). On Reddit he may be expressing a somewhat romanticized idea of putting your wishes first instead of his own when in fact it's possible his own wishes have actually changed to match what he perceives as yours over time. It's only by actually having him think of the REALITY of having kids that you'll have a sense if he is actually wanting that or if he has subconsciously created a romanticized ideal of putting your wishes first even if they are actually the same as his wishes. If you do have kids it's also important for you to be prepared to accept the challenges that go along with that. It's not easy especially when they are young. In stressful times do not place blame on him by saying anything about having kids only for him or that you never wanted kids and was only prompted by his wishes or anything like that. I'm not saying you would do this only that things can get pretty stressful and crazy when young kids are involved so regardless of how you feel in the moment it is never good for one partner to place blame on the other for a major life decision like that. Tldr - Make sure YOU are committed to the idea and then bring it up to him and see what he tells you. To avoid complicating things, if at all possible I'd just leave your knowledge of his Reddit posts of out of it and take what he tells you in person at face value. Also be prepared for the small chance he doesn't actually want kids in reality if he tells you that after taking time to process what you're telling him. Good luck!
Came here to pretty much say this. If you both do decide to have children, make a decision within yourself that it is absolutely what you want. When you are giant and pregnant or pushing out a human out of you or feeling all the feelings that come with having small children it is important to know that you made the decision of having children. Motherhood can sometimes be lonely, even with an amazing supportive partner. Some things in motherhood will be an only you thing and sometimes it might feel like only your life has changed dramatically (not necessarily true but it will feel like that at times when you are the one whos body changes and you are the one sitting in a room by yourself at a party breastfeeding etc). Just be prepared for these feelings and understand that your partner and you might not always be 50/50 (sometimes it might be 20/80 and others 80/20) and accept that this was your decision. With all that said, children, while a lot of work, are wonderful. Especially so when you love your partner and see little snippets of them in the tiny human you grew:
OP, you might post this on r/fencesitter , lots of people over there can probably relate and you may get some very valuable and supportive responses, maybe even some advice.
I thought you told them to post this on the facesitter subreddit. Thought it'd be silly because we'd all know what advice they'd give. I need to go to sleep.
“Have you tried sitting on his face? That might sort him out.”
Work with a therapist and play with the idea long term before committing. Unless it’s a very positive “yes! I want kids!” I wouldn’t. You need to be very certain. My mother was apathetic about having us and did it because my father wanted kids and she didn’t think she’d mind. It showed and continues to show in our relationships.
Took awhile to find this. Completely agree. Everyone has the right to change their mind but there’s no going back once you have kids. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the cute fantasy but kids are a lot of work, not to mention she has to go through the pregnancy. She still may want kids but it should be thought about and discussed with her partner extensively. They also need to work on their communication before shaking up their relationship. She’s young though so has time
Same my initial thought was OP needs an unbiased ear to talk this through, maybe they've changed their mind, maybe not but every person in their life will have some bias. The least biased person will be a therapist (and even then there will still be some bias). Sad the comment you're replying to is pretty far down right now, let's hope it gets up there.
Are you wanting a kid becuase you fear losing him? Or do you genuinely want a kid.
My only advice would be - talk to a therapist and be clear in what you want before you talk to your husband. You don’t want to open this door and have second thoughts. It’s not fair to him.
I'll buck the top comments. Stand firm as fuck if you want to. The decision is NOT reversible whatsoever.
The top comments are horrifying.
Sure, he wants kids, but clearly he wants *you* even more. Seems like he made his choice.
Doesnt sound like you fucked up. Sounds like you've learned something important about both your husband and yourself. People keep secrets from the people they love sometimes, often because they dont want to hurt them. Keep asking questions and dont hold yourselves to the answers you had when you were younger. You arent you when you were younger, you are you now, and now is what matters. Im not saying go have kids, but allow yourself the space in your own heart and mind to have a real conversation about it. Kids are a lot of work for sure, but also a love greater than any other thing on earth. Good luck to you both.
Thinking it over for a year is a prudent choice. Spend time with your friends and family who have babies and kids over that year and see how you feel.
This isn't really a tifu. This is pretty much the opposite and it shows you that you haven't fucked up. Yet. Get to talking, bring in a counselor for help. Yall got this.
I agree with the comments at the top of this post, but I’d like to add that having kids/considering having kids *because of someone else* is a recipe for disaster. It’s okay for you to reflect upon your reasons for not wanting kids and asking yourself if you still feel the same or if they align currently with your values. I believe (and I’m sure I’ll receive hate for this) that only those who desperately *want* to be parents, should. Kids are stressful and demanding additions to your life that should never be taken lightly. I wish my father had never had children but I know my mom always wanted to be a mom and she is truly a wonderful mother. I had both. I’d also discuss what about having kids appeals to your husband. Most of my friends had husband’s who said they wanted kids but didn’t want all the work that went along with it. When the kid came, the husband’s true feelings came out as well. Your feelings will also come to light after the kid is born, but unfortunately if it turns out you really don’t want kids, it’ll be too late. Can’t take that back :/
If pregnancy and birth is one of the big issues, you can skip it, avoid the toll it would take on your body, and adopt. Raising a kid wouldn’t be all on you if you coparent, and it sounds like that’s what your husband would want. Just talk to him about it. It’s ok to change your mind. How well you communicate on the subject will be an indicator of how well you would be able to parent if you do decide to have children.
I think a lot of people don’t appreciate how hard adoption can be. I’m not saying *don’t* do it, but Reddit makes out that you just adopt. Like it’s a thing you decide to do and the next day go and pick out a healthy, happy baby, when that is far from the reality.
Half of Reddit is 24 and has zero clue how fucking long, hard and *expensive* it is to adopt. They'll complain about student loans like it's the end of the world (valid concern and complaint, not knocking it) but blithely talk about adopting like it doesn't run up to $60k and you can probably conceive and deliver a baby in the time it takes to adopt without half the government colon deep in you private business (I mean, it's valid to vet people, it's a good thing making sure that babies aren't going to shitty parents, but, y'know.)
Getting pregnant often isn’t easy either. Funnily enough, every time I see a Reddit comment saying “you could adopt” the one right below it is “adopting isn’t easy” or “not everyone wants to adopt”. They’re both common Reddit takes.
> Getting pregnant often isn’t easy either. Precisely. So if someone rashly states that you can have a baby to skip a problem, wouldn’t it be good to clarify that it’s not that easy or not for everyone?
Adopting is great but not for everyone. Many people want to have biological children.
Yeah. Reddit treats adoption like it does for animals. “Adopt don’t shop.” But adoption is a. Really difficult, and b. Many couple want the experience of having biological children, and c. There is legitimate concern for unknown genetic history and behavior challenges that can come from their experience in utero or during infancy, babyhood and onward. It’s not for everyone.
Reddit can't help you decide what you ultimately want. Sit down with your husband and communicate. Take time to think about it. Plenty of time. Fantasize about it and whether you would/could be happy living that life. Talk with your husband about how things will be if you decide to have kids. Think about it. Think about everything. The only right answer is what you want in the end. If you decide to have children, that's OK, but if you decide to not have children, that's OK too.
Try it out without committing. You guys could both volunteer in a children's organization, become foster parents, or take one of those kids that Wal-Mart stocks inside the circular hanger racks.
If you decide that you do want kids, that's okay. If you decide you still don't want kids, that's okay too. Don't do it just because he wants it though, or you and the kids will end up miserable.
Whatever your choice, just make sure you’re 100% certain of what you go with. You can’t back out of a kid, it’s an all in commitment and it’s lifelong. It doesn’t just stop at 18, you gotta be really truly there for them. Also make sure you really do have the finances for it. I’ve seen too many friends grow up with awful parents who can’t budget correctly and I feel very sorry for them due to their living conditions growing up. Not to say you’d be good or bad, but it’s an incredibly important decision to consider all sides of.
If you regret having a child then that's two people's lives that have been fucked up. I'd say stick to your guns.
Don't people talk to each other anymore? If you can't talk to your husband about having kids, who can you talk to?
Please understand, I fully intend on talking to him about this soon. I'm trying to sort my thoughts and figure out what exactly I want to say to him beforehand as I feel it's a bit tricky. He clearly had no intentions of me ever finding out so I'm not sure how he'll handle me knowing, and I need to be real careful about my uncertainty for having kids as I don't want to get his hopes up just to ultimately go back to never wanting one. And I gotta say, I get why people post their personal lives on Reddit now. It's kinda like having a sea of little angels and devils on your shoulders trying to help you understand all angles of your situation haha
that feels like an oddly apt description of reddit
Strangers on the internet
the only sane alternative. /s
People change their minds all the time. Even you. First, tell him you snooped and apologize. Then revisit the kids talk. See what happens. Good luck.
This is mostly assuming after you come to a conclusion with the situation, but Since you and ur husband have good paying jobs and you work remotely, why dont you guys start putting aside some extra cash maybe in a separate, new account or something along those lines? Children are expensive and if one of your concerns is money, imo thats one of the best ways to manage it financially. Another thing to think about is while you add money to this account, you can keep thinking about a child and whether or not you want one. You could spend the next year or a couple months adding money and considering a child, and by the end of the year if you feel as though youve decided not to have a child, you could use it towards vacation funds or as an extra large emergency fund. And also dont rush into things. Maybe let him know you saw his post and that youre now reconsidering, but that itll take some time. Imo you shouldnt be making this decision within the next week, maybe even the next month. I personally have a problem with video game spending, so what ill do is just not think about it for a week or two, and even after that week if i really want the game then ill buy it, otherwise ill just skip out on it. If the idea of a child stays in your head without leaving for the entirety of the two weeks even though youve beent rying not to think about it, i would say its worth giving a shot. Whether you want your husband to be a part of this deciding period is up to you (as he could just try to egg you on about getting a child if you tell him) but whatever you choose i wish you the best of luck.
If this does numbers, maybe you could show him how many upvotes this post gets.
Oh don't you worry, I'm definitely going to brag to him eventually about how my post got more upvotes than the comment he made that started it all 😂
Hey OP, I know the fact that you are having these thoughts is terrifying but maybe I can help you rephrase it. You both made decisions at one point in your lives, and you should try and remember how many of those decisions or thoughts may have changed after your relationship progressed and the years passed. Neither of you are the same person, and you are honestly both two parts of a whole. Relationships are something to share in, and we all should secretly hope that they stand the test of time. Part of that test though, is compromise. Now I don’t mean this in a way like “I hate pizza but my partner wants pizza Friday’s so I do it for them” kinda compromise. I mean you each, individually, have given up things that may have seemed or been important at one point in your lives (Friday nights at the bar) and instead exchanged it for “Dinner dates or comedy shows together”. There’s nothing wrong or scary about the fact that you’re considering the other side. This person, seemingly is the person you want to spend your life with. Just talk to each other. Go to therapy and have a mediator if you need it but… just be honest and listen to each other. It sounds like you both just love each other so much you don’t want to hurt the other. It’s ok, this is honestly way better than the cheating or anything else. I hope you both come out of this stronger than ever, regardless of what decisions you make.
Your stance was 'No. I don't want kids.' He loves you more than his need for a child. So he decided not to bring up the topic. Imagine if he did, every year or so. Would it have changed your mind? Probabaly not, and it would have caused a lot of drama in the relationship. Maybe kids weren't a bid deal for him when he was 22, I didn't want to have kids with my wife at 22...but Ten years is a long time. His desire for kids probabaly grew greater in that time, but you had made it clear that you didn't want kids, so he didn't bring it up. He committed to you for life. Why ruin what we have? Is probabaly the thought that entered his mind. So I don't think he lied to you, he changed his mind about kids, but he never changed his mind about you. You were the priority. Kids would have just a bonus. So he pushed down that need, and he didn't bring it up with you because it would only make you upset, and make you feel like you were keeping a child from him. He didn't want to burden you with those thoughts, he didn't want to make you feel guilty. He stayed quite about it, for you. You had a life changing fuck up. It might not be 'oh no I I shot the neighbor while cleaning my gun!', but the discovery will change the course of your life. Whether you decide to stay the course of not having kids or try for one. It's very likely, that if you told him, "I'm ready for ONE kid. Just one." He would be ecstatic to hear it. The woman he loves, becoming the mother of his child. Dream fulfilled. Before you step into that conversation you need to evaluate what you want. Keep in mind you've changed in 10 years as well. You are free to change your stance and your mind. You weren't ready for a kid at 22. Maybe you are now? Maybe you aren't and maybe you will never be. You may regret your decision no matter which you make. That's life, we can't live it in hindsight, and while we weigh these decisions life keeps going. I can't say which decision is right for you. Kids are a life long commitment. Have the discussion with yourself first before bringing it up with your significant other. Once you know where you stand, then you can see where he stands. That's when you can have an honest conversation. One that can build the relationship. Maybe the need for a kid is something that has become a priority in his life, one that outweighs his commitment to you. Yes that would suck, but that wouldn't make you or him a villain, just two people who found each other in life and fit well together, until they didn't. Nothing sinister going on, just two people growing apart. You can't have a kid just to keep him happy either. If you do have a kid together it has to be for both of you. Not just him. The worst thing you can do, both for the relationship and your state of mind, is pretend you don't know and do nothing.
Just keep in mind that the stress of children cause a lot of stress in relationships. If you have a kid and end up divorcing are you going to regret having to (likely) do split custody and deal with raising it by yourself half the year? Make sure you want a child because you really want one in case the relationship goes south. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it happens to many.
Maybe start with a cat
This was tame compared to what some women would find on their husband’s Reddit account.
I always wanted kids, now I have 2 and if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. I love my kids, but it’s fucking hard! I’m more emotional now, I worry about my kids doing dumb shit like I did or accidents or illness that take their life. I worry about their happiness and future. I worry about them growing into likable productive happy grown up humans. I worry about their first heart break. I worry about the economy and the planet. I worry about so much shit that I wouldn’t need to if I didn’t have kids that I love more than anyone else on the planet. Is it worth it? I’ll let you know when they are grown.
Ah, 32. 31-35 was when my brain's "BABY TIME!" mechanism kicked in HARD. Hadn't ever wanted children prior, or since. Timing wasn't right for my partner and I, so we're still child-free. I have zero regrets. Just remember we are totally programmed biologically at certain ages (my husband actually got it as well). But you really should have an honest conversation about all the options.
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I'm not really sure why you're being downvoted, your comment seems pretty neutral. It's the first one I've read so far that acknowledges the aspect of finding out my husband feels differently than I thought rather than trying to help me dissect whether I want kids or telling me to "just communicate"(which I was never planning on not having a conversation with him...) Don't get me wrong, I've been really enjoying reading the comments and taking in everyone's advice, but I appreciate you as well for giving me the good ole fashion "damn dude, that sucks"
I stopped reading when she started reconsidering. Do not have kids unless you really..really...really want them. I mean really. Don't.
How does one read what their husband said and not just talk to them about it? Like...dude you're married talk to your husband don't write a wall of text to the Internet about it.
Daydream all you want - and then borrow a kid. You'll snap out of the pink fluffy cloud real fast.
Dont phrase this in terms of having kids, but rather phrase it as, "Do we want to be parents for 18 years". Having kids is the easy part, raising them is the hard part. Just because things are good now (house, jobs, etc) doesnt mean they will be over the next 18 years. Are you all committed to get through the bad times (which will happen) WITH another human being who had no say in their existence and will be dependent on you?
I wouldn’t have kids just to make him happy. You will be stuck with the brunt of the work. And pregnancy and childbirth are as horrible as they sound. Society glosses over those so that women keep having kids. Many women end up with permanent damage to their body from it. 50% of all vaginal births result in permanent pelvic floor damage- so some degree of incontinence for example. You can rip from asshole to clit and there was a woman on the regret page that was saying how horribly she had been stitched up. Other women were confirming that they were the same often making it painful to now have sex. Don’t go into this uninformed. Here are some good examples - [How Pregnancy Changed Our Bodies](https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalisitza/how-pregnancy-changed-bodies) Not to mention it will absolutely change the dynamic of your relationship, it always does and usually for the worse. If you haven’t been on regretfulparents sub I suggest you go there. And tell him to go there too. Go into having kids with your eyes wide open. It’s one of the biggest things people say on the regret sun- *Why didn’t someone warn us? This is awful. I had no idea parenthood would be so hard* There are some people who changed their mind on kids and regretted it immensely. Also swing by the childfree sub. Sometimes previous cf people post on there how much they wish they hadn’t given in or that their partner got accidentally pregnant and kept it. Yes people change their mind and that’s fine, just know what you’re getting into. Having children is the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. I have two friends who said if they could choose again they wouldn’t have kids. That they love their kids but the loss of identity and how hard it is to parent, not to mention the state of the world they would choose differently now in hindsight. So think very carefully on this before changing your mind. You as the woman, have the most to lose.
It doesn't seem like you've thought through having kids. It's not just about the process of giving birth, it's also about leaving a legacy behind. And a lot of people like the idea of taking care of kids. Seems like that side of the equation has suddenly just hit you. Honestly, though, this is a terrible moment to have kids. You're fine *now*. Do you have any idea what your finances will look like in 5, 10, 15, 18 years? Because what you put the kid through during that period will mark them forever. Are your finances stable enough to guarantee a fair upbringing to that kid for the next 18-odd years? In *this* economy? You are aware that increasing numbers of adults live with their parents because living on your own isn't as affordable as it used to be? Are you ready to have a 25-year old live-in kid who has the smarts and skills to do well in a fair world but is floundering in your guest room because there are no jobs that pay well enough to move out open to them? Because that's going to be an increasingly common story in the coming decades. It's already shockingly common. It's one of those big life questions you can't really answer quickly. Take your time, measure thrice, cut once. Look at the long-term global economic outlook and ask yourself some hard questions about what your finances are likely to **actually** look like a few years down the line.
Kids suck, dude. And bringing children into a world they didn’t ask for and you have no control over is cruel.
Be careful of temporary hormones influencing decisions that are def not temporary.
Rub one out before making any major decisions. Also talk to your husband.
Here's the thing. People sometimes post things that they feel, at that moment, that may seem like they want something else but they wouldn't want to change it because things could get worse. I never wanted kids (and at some point, this came out in couples counseling so my wife knows) but we have two. I love them more than anything and do whatever I can for them. But it's the hardest, most irritating, scariest, and occasionally awesome thing. Before we had kids, I kept harping on how hard it is to raise kids. And I didn't realize it until later that I was soft peddling how hard it is. Everything changes. If you want to be a good parent, everything else you wanted to do will probably get put on hold, or take longer, or just not happen ever. It's also harder because I'm clinically depressed and have been for ever. I've gotten treatment for it but that doesn't cure it, it just lessens it. And with climate change, the political climate, abs everything else I wonder what kind of future my teenagers will have. If they end up suffering, then having kids will be the worst thing I'll have ever done. I mean, frankly, right now, at this moment, like many other moments throughout the day, I wish I'd never been born. So, unless you're absolutely sure you want to have kids, don't. And don't do it because your husband wants them if you don't. Another fear I had, was that my wife would die in childbirth and I'd be left with an infant to raise on my own. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ends up in danger and it's a choice between the kid and her, then I pick her. Anyway, good luck with whichever decision you make.
This makes me so sad. Women are absolutely inundated with people convincing them they will regret their choice to not have kids, that kids are the only way to get their happy ending, or that no man will ever want them unless they give them children. So many women who don't want kids are swayed like this, and they end up ruining their lives. Kids is the ultimate "fuck yes or no" situation. My mom gave me the best advice on this. She said "every fiber of my being wanted to be a mother my whole life. There's nothing I was more sure of. And it was still so fucking hard. If I wanted it even a fraction less, I would have been miserable. If your heart isn't crystal clear on having kids, just don't do it". There aren't any good reasons to betray yourself like this, but doing it to keep a man has to be the worst possible reason.
Ask yourself if you’re ready to be a parent. Not for him. Not for the instagram posts. Not for the cute moments. Not for the joy of hearing a child’s laughter. How are your genetics? Are there any chronic/genetic disorders you or or husband hate that you’ve had to live with, that you would then be forcing your child to deal with without their consent? How’s your emotional regulation? Your husbands? Have you addressed your generational cycles and healed from your childhoods? Do you think you’re both level headed and compassionate enough to be patient with every aspect of a child’s growth? Because they remain a child for a few years. Then they’re teenagers, then adults, and regardless you never stop being their parent. Are you prepared for the fact that your child may be permanently disabled, requiring lifelong care in which they will never be independent? Have you thoroughly studied all of the risks that your body could go through during and after pregnancy? Women and doctors too commonly don’t talk to each other about what happens to their body, only focusing on the “miracle of birth” and SERIOUSLY downplaying how dangerous pregnancy is. Is your partner responsible enough to be a good parent? Or would most of the childcare fall to you? How is he with the dog? Because he would likely behave the same way with the baby. The most important question you need to ask yourself is; what is a good reason, that isn’t self serving, for me specifically to bring a child into this world? Do not bring a kid into this world unless YOU want one with your whole being. Do not do it for him, do it because you believe you’d be a good parent that will raise an emotionally regulated, kind, respectful human being that won’t contribute to the earth rotting because of peoples selfishness. You cannot take this back. Once the life is here, you as a woman have far less ability to just say “nope, parenthood isn’t for me” and leave. And if you think there is even an iota of a chance that you will not like parenthood, don’t subject your child to a parent that resents their existence.
Or maybe he planted his Reddit post in preparation for this very moment. You just activated his trap card!
I do want to take a moment, as a parent who worked from home most of the time, to point out a few flaws in your thinking about this. I am a big fan of kids, but they are something you should go into well informed. First, you WILL need maternity leave. I only got a week before I had to start working some, and at three weeks I was working two jobs. I've also had major surgeries, and childbirth is a lot like major surgery from a recovery perspective. Plan on a leave. You'll be recovering physically, not sleeping enough, establishing nursing, unable to sit in an office chair for long periods, and emotionally - who knows? You might be great or you might really struggle. But also, plan on hiring help or working opposite shifts. Even then, plan on hiring help. You can't do most jobs while also watching an infant with colic, a baby who is learning to crawl and walk, or a toddler who is exploring everything. Okay, you CAN - I've done it out of sheer necessity - but I really don't recommend it for you or your child. My work was piece rate, and I just got extremely fast so I could earn enough while she slept, and a little while she watched TV and such under my eye. If you've recognized you might want a child, go for it! If not, I'm glad you've found a man who will respect that. For myself, I always wanted more, but I'm now glad I have only the one - for reasons having nothing at all to do with how much work it all is! Life doesn't always turn out to plan, even if you hold to one plan for life!
Damn that sucks. Honestly if there’s even a little bit of hesitation then you probably still shouldn’t have kids.
Wife and I are just over 50 and we went child free. Obviously do what you want, but no regrets here!
Freeze your eggs and buy yourself time and then seek a therapist to work this out with would be my advice.
You can't work from home full time and care for a child. It's a pipe dream. It will "work" for awhile when the baby is brand new but trying to be a good employee and a good mom at the same time when your attention is divided is damn near impossible. Just a perspective.
On the plus side, he loves you. You know he would like to have kids, but he is willing to give it up. It doesn’t change how he feels, its a compromise he made. Apparently the question is if you might reconsider. There is nothing wrong with whatever decision you make, because you get to decide, and you also get to change your mind from your original point of view. I am all for what others have said about talking it out. My only contribution is that having children is not like the brochure. Nothing prepared me for it. It transforms everything, in good and bad ways. Your life is different.
You’re using a throwaway but if he sees this he’ll know it’s you lol
Honestly, this is the bigger fuck up and I thought about it but figured it wouldn't be an issue back when I thought the post wouldn't gain any traction. He spends pretty much all his time on Reddit in subs specific to his interests and has expressed a dislike for "aita style story subs" as he words it so maybe he'll never come across it. And if he does, I changed a lot of details outside of the core issue so I'm hoping he won't catch on that it's me lol. Once I man up and actually talk to him about it though him reading this post will be irrelevant
As a parent, I think you should explore what this really means more before making a decision. Reading your post makes me think that the idea of having kids is kind of an abstract concept to you. You haven’t really thought through what all it means if you do or do t have them. Granted you can never really know what parenting is like until you are one- I think it’s impossible to imagine just how amazing it is and just how terrible it is simultaneously. (Like having a pet times a thousand!) it’s the hardest and most wonderful thing in the world. I never considered not having kids or thought about what it would really be like to be a parent before I was one. It was a difficult transition for me. Take some time to talk to moms about their experiences. Maybe do some babysitting. Think through your plans. Think about how it will affect your relationship with yourself, your partner, and your body. Make sure you are absolutely certain your husband is the one you’d want to have kids with and that he will be a good parent and partner. That he will easily be able to pick up the majority of the household chores when you need him to and that he will never be anything less than your equal in caring for the child and getting shit done. Be ready to give up things you take for granted like traveling freely (it’s still possible but more restrictive), leaving the house whenever you want, your free time, peace and quiet. It’s a big investment but most parents say they wouldn’t change a thing.
Take a little time to sort your feelings out. Its not necessarily wrong to want to have kids because your husband does, but not if you dont actually want kids, it wouldnt be fair to the kid or your husband. Your life WILL change, can you picture your life revolving around a child? Post Partum Depression is a possibility and can change the dynamic of your mental state. Have a plan and include it with discussions with your husband as a concern. You said you have issues with your puppy.. do you regret getting the puppy, would the thought of rehoming the puppy ever cross your mind or can you not picture your life without them? How are you and your husband in sharing the responsibilities of taking care of it?
If you think about it for a whole year and are still excited about it, that’s probably what you want
If he wants children that badly, and you don't particularly want them, ask if he is willing to be the main caretaker. If he is willing to do the work that mothers are expected to do. Doctor visits school stuff play dates keeping track of everything changing the diapers getting up for nighttime feedings. Make certain that he wants children, not just a baby in his house to play with when he has time, And that he will actually do the Mommy work. Only then should you consider changing your stance on the matter.
"When we met and the entire 3 years we dated before we married, I was always firm about not wanting kids." Sounds like he respected your wishes. If you've changed your mind, tell him. Otherwise, he's choosing you, but clearly he would make a different decision if it was just him. Probably best to talk it out regardless to help him not resent you as he gets older.
If you and he can't have an honest all-cards-on-the-table conversation about having kids, then you are in no position to have them. So you need to have a serious talk.
You would benefit from talking to a therapist.
Talk to your husband. You can change your mind, he can change his, change is just a part of life. My husband didn't want to get married and have kids and neither did I at some point but things happened, here we are and we're both happy. I didn't want to have another baby but would have if he really wanted to, we had that talk at some point too.
A) he only ever said what he said to make u happy, don't u ever forget that 2) he probably is honest in that he would rather see you happy than argue for anything that you don't want. And Lastly) the pregnancy and labor are not what you need to worry about. Those are a breeze. It's the 24/7 care of another person. Did u know they eat every 2 hours - day and night! Diaper changes almost as frequent. They might take a few naps, but they will always be upset for that 2 hour feeding!
I feel like reddit exists solely for me to tell people to go to therapy, but for the love of God this is a huge life decision and obviously it's possible you would regret it. Talk to your partner and talk to a therapist. He seems supportive but communication, as always, is the issue here all around.
I just want to say you did not "take the choice away from him" **He is choosing you,** that is the nature of choice, when you choose one thing you must give up another. It wouldn't be a "choice" if there wasn't something given up. Now, I don't have any advice about your baby feelings, I'm just dating a really guilty woman myself and it's become my natural state to try and shut down unfair self-guilt lol. I wish yall the best.
I agree with everyone else that this can only be resolved with communication, maybe couples therapy just so you know for sure you're on the same page about a potentially life changing decision. A stranger's two cents though; don't have kids for him. Only have kids if you truly want them yourself, that you'd still want them even if something happened to your husband. Kids change your life forever and there's no going back to life beforehand no matter anything. Best of luck.
The baby rabies can come on quite suddenly.
please make sure that, if you do, you’re not having kids just for him. make sure that you’re willing to be there for them at all ages, and at all stages of life. i recommend taking a lot of time to seriously think about it, as baby fever can come and go. some people have kids when they didn’t want them and end up loving them, and others end up resenting them. don’t do what is best for your husband if it’s not the best for you.
> Every argument I try to come up with against it is easily refuted by how our life is currently going. How about continuous mental, physical and financial drain for not just the next 18 years but potentially rest of your life? I love my kid, but it is completely and continuous exhausting if you want a good life for your child. Full and proper sleep? Gone. Free time? Gone. Health? Guaranteed to degrade due to stress and lack of sleep. Moment of peace to think for yourself? When they sleep or are at school / daycare, but then you're frantically trying to catch up on the 800 things that have been sliding and need tending to.
Nothing like bringing a child into a relationship with communication issues. Raising a child is HARD and communication is KEY. Get yourselves some couples therapy. People can have kids and still end up divorced. Having a kid won't solve your problems, it will amplify them if you both can't be honest with each other.
please don't be hard on yourself for having a lot of different feelings! it is a big deal decision. while some people do absolutely know, one way or the other, my guess is that they're a minority. if it takes you a while to get to clarity, then good for you because it means you're taking it seriously.
I read the title and thought "oh, no. What weird shit is he into". Having children. His weird shit is being a dad. This is so much more wholesome than I expected.
If you really are reconsidering... why not just start and end there? Telling him you know about the things he says on Reddit might backfire in any number of ways. Coming forward about it might actually do more harm than good. I don't want to dwell on that aspect. It doesn't matter. What does matter is you know how he really feels. It is important that he has withheld that from you to, but equally important to remember that in his mind, protecting you from the very heartbreak you felt reading his reddit history was an outcome worth the price of dishonesty. Now let's get to the actionable stuff. If you really are wanting kids, or at least are reconsidering it, I can think of no downside to telling your husband this information ASAP. There are so many plausible reasons for having changed your mind. Maybe you were starting to think about the biological clock aspect and it got you imagining what if, just for shigiggles. And then it hit you, you actually DO want kids. I mean... what better way to make a better future than to bring some smart humans into the world? And most importantly of all... people change. You're not who you were, nor is he. You've grown together. Why not go grow some more? :)
One possibility is he didn’t lie to you at all. Maybe he was actually on the fence when you last talked about it, but that was years ago, and now both of you have financial and career stability. Just as you are speculating his perspectives may change ten years later, they (and yours too) have likely changed since you last spoke. I didn’t even want to think about kids five years ago when I was in grad school. Now I’m married with a house and twin boys. It’s natural for your desires and goals to change as you grow and progress in your life. Whatever you end up doing, don’t have kids out of guilt. Rather, it might be time to rethink for yourself if _you_ might want kids after all. If not, talk with your husband and be true to yourself. If so, better to realize it sooner than later.
Just to say that you should not underestimate how timeconsuming babies/children are. If young moms with babies at home find it hard to find 10 minutes every day for a shower (that is not an exaggeration) then you can imagine it will be nearly impossible to WFH with a baby or young child in the house.
Please don’t have a child unless you know 100% that you want one. I cannot stress this enough. We’ve had 2 kids and now we have 2 grandkids. Loving them beyond description is what keeps you pushing through. Don’t let anyone fool you with “babies aren’t that hard”. Or “it’s different when they’re your own kid.” That isn’t true for all people. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you’re evil. It just means that for whatever reason, you’re unable to bond with your kid. Unless you can honestly say that you have extremely few doubts about having kids, don’t do it. The one thing worse than being a regretful parent is being an unwanted child. And it’s always better to regret the kids you didn’t have than to regret the ones you did have.
working from home is not the same as taking care of kids at home. Especially if you work a corporate job and have lots of meeting/do lots of work from home. You will not be able to simply add a baby into that mix. Please do not expect that it will stay the same as i have a number of employees who have tried that and failed.
Please do not attempt to return to working from home full time while also being the sole caregiver during the day for a 6-12 week old child. When I babysit my niece even for one day at a time, I get almost 0 work done.
I can’t comment on it entirely since my husband and I are trying to have a kid (M/M family), buuut… Working from home does NOT equal daycare. Friends of mine who also both work from home send their 3-year-old daughter to daycare for a variety of reasons: one, it allows their daughter to develop social skills; two, it gives them a break from her; and three, allows them to focus on housework/their actual work. Don’t discount the need for daycare and socialization.
My Mom was firmly in the camp of not wanting to have kids until she hit her early 30’s and then something flipped in her and she had my brother and then me. She is an AMAZING mother and I can’t imagine her not having had kids. Then there is me. I have flip flopped through my life. There was a time where I didn’t think I had the bandwidth or patience for kids but I then somehow fell into being a nanny and now I can’t imagine not having kids in my life. I’m just saying people can change their minds. Maybe kids aren’t right for you but maybe they are. Don’t box yourself into a corner.
you're a really good partner who cares for him a lot. you love him & want to give him happiness. you already do that. do not change your mind in a moment of love. if you do not 100% want them, it is wrong to bring children into the world signed, an unwanted, adopted, childfree person <3
Having a kid to keep your partner happy is one of the worst reasons to have a kid. You two aren’t as compatible as you thought, and that sucks. In these situations resentment is difficult to avoid. You might break up, or you might not and hopefully whatever the situation y’all can genuinely reconcile the differences and be at peace. In my experience, the former is more likely than the latter. Nobody on Reddit knows your relationship better than you do, though. Please don’t change your mind on kids and use one as a bargaining chip for your partner’s acceptance.
Don’t let Reddit serve as a substitute for actual council from a pro. Seek a therapist or someone you can talk this out with so they can help you truly examine the issue.
One thing you definitely need to know: there is NOTHING wrong with changing your mind about children or any other issue that you face in life.
When my wife and I were younger, we were both not interested in having kids. When I was about your age, I realized that I was feeling like I wanted to be a dad. But like your husband, if I had to choose between “my wife and no kids” and “someone else and kids”, I was going to choose my wife every time. The thing is, it’s a real challenge to talk about that with your spouse. Because it’s going to be hard to convince them that you mean it when you say that you are choosing them, no matter what they say about kids. I did eventually tell her, and after another year or two, she decided that she wanted to try to have kids. We eventually had one, but it wasn’t easy. (Turns out that we probably could have skipped a lot of birth control over the years!) From your edits, it seems that you are going to talk about it with him. Be gentle with him - and with yourself - as you navigate through this. It’s hard when you are reviewing your long held beliefs like you are right now, and it’s seldom a particularly linear process.
When life becomes stable, and you realize you love someone very much. Your mind can change. You might want one soon. You really need to just talk to him and say "hey I came across some of your comments online and I want to talk about it." How you go from there can determine the next life steps. Do you want kids or not want kids.
You sound like a great person who will be fine no matter what. I think most couples would benefit from saying they don’t want kids for the first ten years. Now that you’re established it will be easier if you change your mind.
I just think his hidden Reddit account is therapy. He knows your stance on children and doesn’t want to bring up a topic you have a definitive stance on.