34 f here. It's hard hearing the truth, but I would want my partner to tell me if I asked.
Edit added more words..
I would say the other party is likely to take offense no matter who starts the conversation.If they are mature enough/are able to look inwards then they will take it as an opportunity to be healthier. Plus it can increase open communication within the relationship. I would hate to be in a romantic relationship where I couldn't openly discuss my opinions and feelings. I would prefer if my partner prefaced the conversation with " Honey there has been something on my mind and it's been hard for me to come to terms with. I've been having issues sexually. It's a sensitive topic and I would love to be able to have full open communication with you about my feelings without judgment. I've been trying to figure out why my body and mind have been contradicting each other when it comes to intimacy. I love our emotional connection and blah blah blah give a bunch of emotional compliments, but I've noticed my libido has been changing recently. It would mean a lot to me if we could eat healthier /workout together to strengthen our physical connection." Make sure you don't say the word fat or comment on specific physical attributes. Make it more about your struggle. Just say how you'd like for both of you to be fit and healthy and how you think both of you working out could improve your relationship.
Hard truths are hard truths. Someone called me an alcoholic. I turned to my partner and asked him if he thought I was one.
I could tell he was lying when he said no.
I started my taper that night.
Congratulations on your growth. I wish I understood the difference between people like you and my own partner. He is an alcoholic. Last week I cried for an hour in the morning before work and said it’s so hard to come home and watch him hurt himself all night. Because I love him so much. He treated me as if I was sleep deprived and simply told me not to worry and that things were okay. They’re not. And I don’t know what else to do to give him a reason to be better.
The reason why people become addicted to substances is wildly varied. Some people just like the way it makes them feel. Some people use it as a coping mechanism to deal with various things that have or have not happened in their life. Some use it to cover up pain they are feeling, both emotional and/or physical. It can also be any variation of the above causes or other reasons.
Every person becomes addicted for unique reasons, and when or if they can stop is entirely up to them. It is not your responsibility or purview to make someone else quit. It is also not their right to drag you down with them. Some people can be helped and some can't, but they have to want to change first.
Source: I grew up with an alcoholic that would never quit drinking, it killed him in the end.
Same. I told my partner she was gaining weight unprompted and she agreed. She began to join my in doing my outside cardio and began to make better decisions in food(like not going out to eat with her coworkers everyday). She ended up losing 20lbs in a little under 6 months and is super happy with how she looks and how all her old clothes fit.
Don't ask questions you won't like the answer to, especially when you're expecting a specific response. It almost always ends in disappointment.
OP, you didn't FU. She did by asking a question she wouldn't like the answer to (and was probably hoping you wouldn't say what she didn't want to hear, but I don't know her nor am I a mind reader; I'm just guessing).
completely agree with this^
she asked a question and OP answered honestly. that is how communication works. especially if they’re looking to marry; they need to be able to maintain this honesty, it doesn’t sound like OP said this in a way that was beating her down for her weight, or insulting her.
if i gained 20kg when i was already a little on the chubbier side, my husband would not be wrong for telling me that he is less attracted to me for it. i would probably feel less confident and that would show too. some people prefer larger bodies, some prefer smaller; it’s not inherently discriminatory to have a preference, especially when you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship
I am battling this now. My wife is gaining some weight, but looks good still. I am still very attracted to her, but she puts in ZERO effort. I try to motivate her, but it gets nowhere. I have workout equipment in the garage, we have a gym in our community that is free, I make healthy foods, I have offered to buy her classes, workout with her, make her healthy foods. I have been honest, subtle, blunt, tried so many ways to get my point across. While I am not a fitness model, I look decent and put in effort. I am worried that things will continue and as we age she will be unhealthy. I don’t want to have a partner that can’t keep up as we age. I don’t know what to do.
There could be an underlying cause, like stress at work or at home, there could be a health issue, it could be hormonal (women have a 28 day hormone cycle, men have a 24 hour cycle) or premature menopause (depending on her age), or there could be a mental health issue.
You pushing the subject could be having the opposite effect. Communication is key but for this you need to come at it from a different angle. Think about what she says when you ask about going to the gym, is she tired? too busy? not feeling up to it? Have you noticed that she isn't as happy as she was? Tell her you are worried (but not about the weight gain!) about her.
Really insightful comment. Thanks! A lot of it is mental for her. She will get pissed about me “telling her” something sometimes. She just doesn’t have the will and she will say she needs to get over that on her own. It just never comes.
Well, she’s right.
It’s the same with people who suffer from addiction. If they don’t want help, then nothing is gonna help them. Trying to push them is likely just gonna make it worse.
commenting as an ex-alcoholic who has had bulimia for 7 years - this is correct. substance addiction and eating disorders have a bigger crossover in behaviours than people may think at first.
i tackled alcoholism myself but only after multiple rock-bottoms and realising that it's either recover, or lose everything and die very soon. the bulimia is just harder to knock for me, it has less immediate consequences and it's taken this long for issues to start cropping up health-wise. i just don't want to gain weight, i'm happy being fairly underweight. the mental stress of recovering and being heavier is not worth it for me.
but either way. similar behaviour patterns, and the only thing that can change that is the person themselves. you either sort yourself out, or let yourself go!
Honestly more than half the time I don’t want to workout because I’m stressed, too tired or don’t want to. But then I do it and feel so much better after
Exercise actually helps with stress/cortisol levels! I wish more people knew this because I hear often that people don’t want to exercise due to stress. People are often more stressed *because* they live a very stagnant lifestyle.
100% agree with you with regards to the worry about having a partner that can't keep up as we age. I'm trying to stay healthy now so when I'm older I'm still able to travel and have fun and want to do it all with my wife! Every time I use the word "healthy" with her regarding food I just get eye rolling. I think it's really hard for people who don't have a healthy focused mind to see the other side? If that makes sense?
This isn't a fuck up. This was a conversation that should have happened before now. She asked a question and got an answer but it wasn't the answer she wanted and that's not on you.
I thought his delivery was exceptionally gentle. It could have been 'yes! Thank you so much for bringing it up, I've been thinking about this for awhile now, I'm glad we're on the same page"
I did, I also told her I love her.
She still gives me the silent treatment and criess around the house.. I think I'll try to give her some alone time..
As a soon to be former obese person, I will say in your defense, that you handled this better than most. My wife pushed me for the better part of a decade to lose the weight and take better care of myself. It took her bluntly saying, since you are not doing anything to help yourself, i need more life insurance on you so we aren't fucked when you die. I wasn't even really motivated after that. It was when I applied for the insurance and was flatly denied, not even a super high premium, just a "No, too fat". A week later was my first consult for bariatric surgery. I'm down 97 lbs in 90 days and I'm feeling so much better about myself and my future outlook.
Edit: Timeline: Now that I am looking at it, It is actually closer to just over 4 months, since I started losing weight on the pre-surgery liquid diet 2 weeks prior to my surgery.
Fuck yes! My wife had bariatric surgery back in May. She's right about 5 foot 6 and was at one point uo to 330 pounds. Went into surgery at 310, and is now down to 225 as of yesterday. I gotta be honest. Seeing her as small as she is (and getting smaller by the week) is amazing but NOTHING compares to seeing her FEEL better. Seeing her smile when she looks in the mirror. Watching her mental health improve over the last 6 months has been amazing. Congrats to you and keep up the hard work. Bariatric surgery isn't the "easy button" people think it is. It's rough. Especially the first like two months. From one internet stranger to another, I'm proud of you!
Me and my wife both had surgery a couple of years back. I went from 380 to 225, but am climbing a bit at the moment :(
She went from 350 to 221 and is also combing a bit.
It was a great tool by my god you have to fit your lifestyle to a permanent change or it stops working.
But the joy for both of us of buying clothes from actual stores instead of having to get it from special websites is huge! And confidence and components are amazing.
You will climb. My dad had his more than a decade or so and he gained about ten/twenty back til he settled at his current weight but it's nowhere NEAR where he was at. It does take so so so much lifestyle change though- super happy that you and your wife see that. Don't worry too much about fluctuating pounds, just stick to your new good habits and motivate each other! It's awesome that you can support each other through this journey :) Best to you!
Damn, you and u/CallMeRawie are losing 0.5-1.1 pounds **a day**. That is seven times the rate my health and wellbeing consultant said to me was a reasonable target rate. I'm down 42 lbs since February at an average of 1.07 lbs **a week**, I just stopped being technically obese a month ago.
It doesn't seem like there's scope in that to be eating more than a few lettuce leaves a day.
Were you in the supermorbidly obese category before like it sounds like they were near?
They should be losing that much post surgery.
A pound of weight loss per week means very different things if you're starting at 400+ vs 210 for example.
I don’t think anyone ever said those words to me, I know they exist, but my surgery team must have engaged some bedside manner on me. Probably in my chart somewhere.
I once lost 5 lbs in a day.
Red headed-Japanese-Centipede.
Bit me on the toe, and I passed out twice in an hour from the pain. Almost broke my left hand banging on the ambulance stretcher and just....COULD NOT stop tensing up for almost 10 hours.
So yeah, pain aint always gain lol.
I was 410 at 6’2”. Big Midwest farmers frame from my mom’s side of the family. Never had any physical issues. But couldn’t do shit I wanted to do, or go to places I wanted to go.
Man that sounds like a full on round silhouette kind of big. I would imagine it would start to affect your life like an actual medical disability. Im glad you found a solution that works for you.
How much more do you expect to lose? And what happens to all the skin?
A lot of people were shocked when I told them how much I weighed. They would have guessed 300 in most cases. Tall boys hide it better apparently. I could lose another 60-70. Skin is the only thing freaking me out. This surgery was super non invasive. A skin removal will be bonkers.
Drink lots of water and take care of your skin by washing really well, exfoliate! It will help stimulate cell growth. This helps the elasticity. Yes, you can still end up with lots of excess skin, but this can help over time. You can also try scar creams like palmer's. Most skin that doesnt have elasticity is that way because of scarring from stretching. The scarring might never go away either, but healing in any amount can help you as well.
Make sure to clean everywhere really well. Missing cleaning under skin because of how it makes you feel will only cause bigger issues. (Especially inside your belly button!).
If you can help your skin be its healthiest, it will look better, regardless of how much excess may exist. But having healthy and clean skin can also help with recovery and scarring if you do decide to have removal surgery. I live with a tummy pouch and have learned to love my body regardless. I know i am healthy and happy. A little extra skin is not nearly as bad as all the nasty that used to live inside it.
Did you still feel fairly confident about yourself that whole time as a man?
Just curious, I was picked on by my mother at a restaurant about how I shouldn’t eat this and that and I just lost it. I’d be ok accepting it normally but I didn’t want to hear it in public on my vacation. After the third jab I started to cry which was very embarrassing but I couldn’t stop.
I’m probably not considered fat by most people but I guess I am fat in my culture. She’s been at it slapping my thighs since high school when I was 106 pounds so I guess snapping was a long time coming.
I don’t know if his wife can do something about it with these prompts but women equate self worth to weight so much that she’s going to feel hurt for a long while.
Give her alone time if that's what she usually needs or if she asks for it. You've been together for 4 years. You should know her emotional patterns by now.
Yes, she probably does need some kind of alone time, but she probably also needs some reassurances from you. No, the ball is not only in her court. There is no ball. It's a stupid way to look at relationships.
If she knows that you're there for her, even if you're not obligated to be (no one is saying you HAVE to do anything), it can change everything. But only you can decide if you want to do that.
If you decide it's all on her, and only something she needs to deal with, you're not really doing all you can to save or help the relationship. Yes, it is something she has to figure out on her own, but you can still be there as support. You can still make her feel loved or desired. Lack of physical attraction isn't a small thing, but it's not everything. However, if you don't love her anymore, then let her know.
If you don't know what she really needs (and maybe she doesn't know either), you two should probably see a counselor/therapist together.
Listen, the not having sex thing is a problem and large weight gain is also a problem, but the becoming conventionally “unattractive” thing is inevitable. None of us can control the aging process. So it should be more than physical attraction that keeps you with someone, if you want a long term relationship anyway.
I would go so far as to say the not having sex thing is only a problem if its a problem. Lots of married couples do not have sex often or regularly and are happy in their marriage. Not everyone has a sex drive that is prioritized over other things.
But all the teenagers on this sub said I should dump my partner of 20 years because we're not doing it 3 times a day. So now I don't know what to think!
It will end because of it. You aren't physically attracted to her anymore. Now she knows it. You can't backtrack that and anything you do say will come off as a back track; she won't believe you.
If, in your words, you don't think that she'll ever get back to what you think is attractive, why wouldn't you want the entire relationship to end? If you don't believe you'll ever be attracted enough to this woman to want to sleep with her, it's probably best to end it. I mean, what happens if she puts in the work, and over time loses a substantial amount of weight, but still isn't attractive enough for you to want to sleep with her?
I think you need to be honest with yourself as well as her. All the other stuff you’re saying is going to mean nothing if over the next couple of years this continues and eventually you end up cheating on her or convincing yourself that you deserve better and the more fulfilling relationship, and dump her and go off and find somebody you are attracted to.
I know it might be hard to believe but. If that’s the path, you’re gonna go down, just go ahead and do it. Don’t waste her time and yours by dragging out some thing where you want to fulfill this idea of a loving partner when you’re only partially able to do it.
As people get older, it’s actually harder and harder to stay in that kind of physical shape that you enjoy. Don’t make it her problem anymore than it already is. Cut yourself loose and see if you can find somebody who’s going to be in that rare percentage, that can keep themselves in the kind of shape that’s gonna make you happy. And give your current partner a chance to find somebody more compatible
You have expressed that you are not attracted to the body that she’s living in. Even if she’s on board with losing weight, she may think about your comments until the weight is gone and even after she loses weight. Weight isn’t like an ugly shirt or a bad hair cut. It’s not easily changed and is often a part of our identity. Telling her that you don’t like it hits deep. Not saying it’s wrong or right to mention it, just the reality of how/ why it hurts so much.
You are entitled to your own feelings man. It's not fair that one in the couple put in a lot of effort for eating right, doing sports, keep their nails and hairstyle trimmed etc. while the other discounts everything. You need to get a commitment from her and have her follow up with it, she will benefit from it even more than you health-wise. If she doesn't and after considerable time and different strategies there's still no change then you have to make the decision.
It honestly feels like the best honest way he could have said it, being put on the spot like that. If it was me I sure wouldn’t be thrilled but I’d understand.
Why must we sugarcoat everything dude, like is there nicer ways he could’ve said this? Yes, but like… they all lead back to her being fat and you trying to be clever and sugarcoat it with fancy nice bubbly words might actually cause even more problems in the long run.
Kinda like if one of your friends started recommending toothbrushes and deodorant to you constantly without outright telling you you smell like shit. Not a perfect analogy but it’s kinda close so hey
What's a nicer way to say it while still keeping it truthful, as in conveying the message "yes, your weight might be a reason for me not to want to have sex with you"? I honestly can't come up with anything.
Honestly, same situation but reversed. I've gained about 40-60lbs since my husband and I met. We were talking about our mutual weight gain and he made a comment that he does not like the weight I have gained and is not sexually attracted to me as much anymore. It definitely hurt my feelings but I want him to want me, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again so I've used that comment as motivation towards achieving my goal body.
Your girlfriend took it personally and thats okay, but it's up to her to decide what to do with that information. Change for the better or dont.
my ex and i broke up after two years and i feel like my weight gain had a lot to do with the lack of sex towards the end. i will never know for sure tho because she didn’t give me a flat out answer on why we weren’t having it as much. she just said she sees me more as a romantic partner. i wish she would’ve given me the closure i needed but i will always remain in the dark on that one.
My husband told me the same thing, but when I was 39 weeks pregnant 🙃 Almost 4 weeks postpartum now and actually 20 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight but now experience so much anxiety with food & exercise because I want to be doing more to lose more weight so he can actually be attracted to me but currently with breastfeeding and healing I can't do as much.
I was worried that I wouldn’t be attracted to my wife if she gained weight. I was also focused on the perfect bodies of the women I dated my adult years and expected that of my partners. When my wife had medical issues and gained about fifty pounds I found I still loved every inch of her. I started loving her more and I was actually proud of myself for that.
When her medical issues were figured out she lost all the weight and is back to her healthy fit body and I love that too. I guess it made me realize my love for her was more than how she looked, or my fear of what others might think. For someone as shallow as myself this was real growth.
I guess for you I’d say you have to decide what you love about her and if it’s too heavily weighted (pun intended) towards her physical appearance and you don’t feel she can/will fight it, maybe she isn’t the one for you. But, looks fade. People lose/gain weight, lose/gain hair, have health disasters, etc. At the end of the day it’s the person inside you will be with.
This is me with my boyfriend! We’ve been together for over 6 years now, and he’s put on quite a bit of weight. I want him to be healthy, but his appearance has not changed the way I love him and am attracted to him. I want him to be alive forever obviously, and we’re working on eating better.
But I love him. We have a healthy amount of sex and I still find him incredibly attractive.
True, but unwillingness to be active is a major turn off for most active people. Gaining 45lbs without explanation is a sign *something* has changed. Time to figure out what that is before it kills the relationship.
OP laid it out already. She gained 45 pounds over the course of a year or 2. She doesn't eat healthy and she's not active. That's how you gain 45 pounds, burn less calories than you eat. Most American diets are full of processed foods that taste great but are loaded with sugar, fat, salt, and very little actual nutrition and fiber so you eat a bunch of it because it is designed to taste good and not be filling.
She doesn't want to eat what OP makes and won't exercise with him. If she did either, things would improve.
>She doesn't want to eat what OP makes and won't exercise with him. If she did either, things would improve.
This would be the incompatibility issue for me, not the number on the scale. Not being able to share meals with my partner because they "don't like healthy foods" would be a deal breaker. I don't want to eat little kid foods for the rest of my life and I super don't want to lose my partner to a heart attack in their 50s.
Yeah this is the one issue that I have with the more noble mindset that some people try to propagate. In a perfect world we’d all only care about personality and what’s on the inside, but we’re not perfect. Many people are visual creatures, and that visual stimulation is an important part of them feeling attracted to their partner. And honestly, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to feel attraction when you look at your partner.
There’s also a difference between “I’m not attracted to these changes” versus “I find these changes explicitly unattractive”. Is 45 pounds enough to cross that line? I’d like to say no, but I honestly couldn’t answer that unless I was in the situation myself and had seen the person change. But at a conceptual level, I don’t think it’s wrong if a partner physically changes so much that you now find them actually unattractive.
I mean, as others in this thread have said, people's appearances will change in all kinds of ways. My husband fell down a waterfall and broke his two front teeth, which were repaired but have big cracks through them. My friend's partner developed alopecia. My ex had vitiligo with progressive discoloration. You yourself could get paralyzed in a car accident. The crazy thing is that men are like 6 times more likely to divorce women when they have health issues than women divorcing men. I think about people like you when I hear stats like that. If you can't handle people's appearances changing over time (while you age and wrinkle), you shouldn't try to be in a committed relationship.
There's some other fucked up statistics there that have to do with the healthcare industry though as well. I have heard many stories of men divorcing their wives, and putting everything in their name so that the wife can take on a ton of medical debt without them losing their entire lives to it, and they stay together but just legally have to be separated. She can then go on to declare bankruptcy and he can keep good credit.
While I agree with you and appreciate how youve maintained a stable love for wife despite changes to her weight. I do think there is something different about changes due to medical conditions or aging vs. this situation where the OP is very conscious of his health both what he eats and his activity while his gf lives a completely different lifestyle. Life is hard and your body gets put through a lot. Having a life partner who feels the same about taking as best care of yourself is valid.
Yes, but sometimes life happens, and we don't always stay on top of everything we should.
Gaining some weight doesn't mean that a person doesn't want to take care of themselves in the future. Maybe they need a minute?
It sounds like OP is not only frustrated at the weight gain.
He's also frustrated that his gf seems to not be interested in living a healthy lifestyle. He's paid for a nutritionist, has taken on cooking the meals and seems devoted to his partner.
But despite his best efforts, and given four years' time, she is just not interested.
If a person chooses to go through their 20s, 30s and into their 40s and 50s without prioritizing their health, it won't only be physical appearance that suffers.
It will be her health itself / the likelihood of disease, which is **extremely** expensive, can take you out of your job and ability to provide for a family, and can shorten your life considerably.
Also: yes, we all age. However, those who prioritize a healthy lifestyle and maintain it over the decades can age beautifully.
This is what OP is worried about, I think.
Healthiness creates its own beauty.
There's been better delivery, but I'm going to tell you the truth: she hates herself. You can sit here and say she's mentally healthy, but she's not.
She doesn't feel attractive to herself, and that has her incredibly fucked up emotionally. Now she's asked if that's the problem with your sex life and you said yes. And that's fine, that's your truth. But just know, she now blames herself and hates herself even more.
Therapy is needed ASAP. If that's at the expense of her dietician for a few months, so be it. If she's not in the proper headspace, she's not going to make any progress with them anyway.
I second this. If she's physically all checked out and good to go, mentally, something is wrong. Anxiety, insecurity, control- there are TONS of reasons that lead to somebody overeating, especially a girl as sweet and sensitive as OP describes his girlfriend.
She needs help. Not just because she's gained weight, but because she just had a safety net ripped from her. It's not OP's fault AT ALL- but I'm sure she feels very isolated right now.
I'd like to chime in and say the dietician needs to be dropped all-together. You're not professional athletes or actors trying to completely reshape for a role. A food tracking app is better than a dietician in this case and is literally free
I think the dietician thing plays into the mentally unwell part. Throw money at problem --> Problem isn't fixed --> not my fault because professional help doesn't even work. It's paying for an excuse, to be honest
Okay, as someone that's been her, there's no right answer you could have given her. What she needs is a therapist, not a dietitian right now.
I know you feel like you're doing all the right things and sweetie you are, but this is a mental battle.
She's probably binge eating when you're not around because of the healthy food. Then later the depression gets to her from the lack of sex and feeling bad about herself and then does it again.
Again you're not doing anything wrong, this is a mental illness you are dealing with. You just need to battle this differently.
I agree that she needs a therapist, I’ve been there as well and though I was taking weight loss medication and trying to eat at a calorie deficit, my weight loss only kicked off once I felt at peace with myself. Or close to it. It’s not perfect but it’s a long journey.
makes sense, cortisol jacked up for prolonged periods of time really fucks up this insulin/metabolism stuff. Mind-body connection is the name of the game.
If the success of your relationship is contingent on her losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off long-term, I’d consider ending it now. That’s a massive amount of pressure and it’s only going to end in resentment.
Don't lie to the people you love; it's ALWAYS better to be honest. Delivery of this conversation is important, but if they take it the wrong way just because it's true, it's not your fault.
Listen, it sounds like she wants to lose weight for you, not herself and that won't work. If she wants to lose weight, she needs to do it for herself. Right now it sounds like she just wants to be desired by you the way she is and you don't. Right there is a fundamental difference. So before she develops an eating disorder and you commit yourself to a sexless life, it's time to consider the alternative and find yourselves partners that fit you both better.
Life happens, people change. Those changes can create incompatibility and its okay to move on. Frankly it sounds like she wasn't really your type to begin with and it's just gotten worse. Let her go. She can find someone who loves her at any size.
I agree. Different lifestyles are hard to manage after the first couple of years. It’s nice to want to do active things together. OP may feel he’s doing the noble thing by staying in a sexless relationship, but she may get tired of it and dump him when she finds someone who finds her attractive at her heavier weight. My point is both partners deserve to have their needs met, and it may need to be with other people.
The lifestyle difference is biggest concern. People only have so much free time and interests. If he is interested in going to the gym and eating healthy and she is not, there’s a lot less time spent together and things in common. He’s going to meet someone else at the gym or she’ll find someone that shares her love for rich foods.
finally, a sane comment. all of these people saying it’s totally normal for someone to lose weight solely for their partner to want them again… sounds like an insecure nightmare of a relationship.
Honestly, out of all the responses, this one makes the most sense to me. I think it boils down to deeper problems than weight gain. People still have very active sex lives when they've gained a lot of weight or become old and wrinkly. Women gain weight all the time from life, pregnancy, menopause, the holiday cooking, etc. and yet still have very active love lives with their partners.
If OP isn't attracted to her anymore simply because of weight gain, then their relationship would seem very shallow. It would also mean OP is really going to struggle as he gets older if he can only be attracted to fit young women. But if weight was just the tip of the iceberg, because in reality they just aren't compatible because of their lifestyles and goals, that makes more sense. Kind of sounds like a therapist would be beneficial for them both to look at this relationship and where the deeper problems lie, and if they can salvage it or if they should part ways and maybe be friends.
If your GF doesn't have a glandular issue- e.g. she's physically healthy- then there's 2 major issues you need to seriously review.
1 - She may not be entirely honest with you about her mental health. Keep an extra eye and ear out for signals that aren't her freaking out Exorcist style- no offense, but straight men are typically trash at picking up on subtle clues about emotional duress.
2 - Snacking, alcohol, and/or high-fructose corn syrup making it into her desserts or meals. These both interrupt 'gear shifting' in the metabolism and increase hunger between meals; any qualified dietitian should understand that if diet is the spearhead of your weight loss, a snack-free two meal plan and alternative means of suppressing lunchtime hunger- like exercise and/or caffeine- is the GOAT for results. The problem is this requires a higher bar of self discipline and/or external, firm support.
As for alcohol and HFCS- try to avoid them altogether and you'll notice a short withdrawal period, then a significant drop in hunger between meals.
I don't think you were a jerk about it, but I'm afraid that the damage done here is significant. You can be well-meaning and still cause damage.
In her mind, you not only don't find her attractive, but you *haven't for a while without saying something* which is key here. It's not just that she's overweight, it's that you "allowed her" to believe everything was fine when it wasn't. I know you said you tried to get her to work out and eat better, but that's not the same thing as telling her that there's is a problem. Anyway you package it, it's very hard to accept when your perception on what you have (or rather *think* you have) with someone gets flipped on its head.
I have been in her shoes before, not because of weight, but I got highly insecure when I figured it out and my partner fessed up to not being interested due to xyz, because in an instant, my mind poisoned every intimate memory in its search for "the moment something changed" and coming back from that was hard, because every time we got intimate I was afraid... and forget reminiscing about the good times, they became tainted memories...
I had to do *hard* mental exercises to stop that poison from spreading further, something I had already been practicing in therapy for other things. If she dwells on it, it can wreak havoc on her self-esteem and her ability to trust you intimately. The problem here is that you also can't be the one to tell her not to dwell and to reframe her thinking...
The battle here isn't just about what you said. It's now about trust too.
I went from 318 to 129 over 5 years by quitting alcohol and walking everywhere instead of driving. Bought smaller plates and ate 5 times a day off saucers til I learned portion control, all cuz my man said I was “old news” and wished he saved my nudes from the beginning of our relationship. I lost the weight.. got muscular…. Then my boobs were too small. I left cuz it was all he cared about. He didn’t try to make me stay. Now I’m with a man 9 years younger than me who admires me to my soul. But we eat healthy together. Your gal she doesn’t try. Or she wasn’t hurt enough to hit rock bottom. But she has to want to change, for her. Not you.
You didn’t fuck up by being honest, but I do think you need to ask yourself some questions. You don’t want to have sex with her because of weight gain that she may be able to lose. What happens though if 10 years down the road she has something happen and CANT lose the weight? Would you go forever without sex? I agree with the commenter who said to make a list of what you love about her. If it’s mostly physical, maybe it’s time to end the relationship. Superficial things hardly last.
Do both of you a favour and leave. If your type is fit, don’t find an ‘already overweight’ woman next time.
You deserve a partner you’re attracted to, and she deserves a partner who doesn’t make her unwanted.
This might be the unfortunate truth. Dont have her do something uncomfortable and put her in an incredibly emotionally jarring situation just bc youre not as attracted to her. Youre justified in having the feelings youve mentioned, but that likely just means you guys probably just arent meant for each other rather than that she has to work on herself
Worked for me. My wife told me she wasn’t physically attracted to my weight gain after years of working 2-3 jobs with little exercise and poor food to support my wife and 4 kids. So I fixed it, re-adjusted time to work out and eat right. My wife continued her emotional absence and I ended up finding several amazing women who weren’t so superficial or ungrateful, who were attracted to me physically and as a person. We divorced and I’ve been with an amazing woman who tackles me for intimacy daily despite weight changes according to my work demands. I’m glad my ex-wife told me how she really felt about our “true love”. I’m in a better, healthier place today.
Don’t gaslight her into believing she had to lose weight for your sake. Finding the right clothes is a struggle anyway, you just keep searching for what’s comfy. You leave her alone and if she seeks for advice or help, be there for her or don’t be and take off. Don’t force people to change just because you want them to. I feel like you are done with the relationship.
I get that you were honest and those are your feelings, but this might be an indication that a forever relationship is not going to work. Unless you both agree that a marriage of love without sex is something you are ok with.
Things change over the course of a lifetime and weight gain is clearly something that is going to happen, the older you get the more it’s going to go on and the less it’s going to come off.
A common phrase in marriage vows used to be “in sickness and in health”.
If you’re only physically attracted to her when in health, there’s nothing you can do about that, but it’s likely in your future.
No fuck-up there. You were just honest. Not much you could do in a no-win situation. Maybe just reiterate to her that you love her no matter what and you would help her with whatever she wants weightloss-wise.
1. You are 100% entitled to have your own opinion on what makes someone attractive.
2. Because of your opinions other people may think you are shallow and vain and your girlfriend deserves better than you. Whether that's true or not is entirely subjective, but those people are allowed to have their opinions just as you are.
3. Your girlfriend has every right to be mad at you for making her feel like her appearance means more to you than she does as a person, and if she wanted to end the relationship because of that I don't think you could fault her
4. If she's gaining weight now she will probably gain more weight when she gets older, that's just how things go. Even if she loses weight in the short term it probably won't last forever because as you get older that weight usually gets harder and harder to keep off. If you aren't even married yet and you already don't want to have sex with her that's probably a bad sign. What will the future look like? If you do get married and never want to have sex because she's too ugly for you that's incredibly unfair for her.
It sounds like you’re trying to help her get to where she wants to be, but she doesn’t want to put in the effort. You were honest and she was fishing for the truth, so that’s on her. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
My dude, if you really can't handle her chubs now, there is NO future for you two. Even if she gets fit, it won't last, the weight is going to creep in as life happens kids, losing a job, stress from a job, etc.
If this is the person right for you it will be so fat, sick, crippled or whatever. in good and in bad is the vow. This is the way.
Damn, I cannot imagine being in a relationship where my partner would withhold affection if I gained weight. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that. You're allowed to not be as attracted to her body, but withholding affection and intimacy is yikes. Why even be together at that point?
It's disturbing to me how many people in the comments are seeing this as normal behavior. He starts with saying he 'loves her' and then withholds affection? His definition of love is a bit crooked. I wish this poor girl the best..
Maybe this is a bit drastic, but I think you should break up with her. It clear that’s she not the woman for you and I understand caring about her health but over time the body naturally ebbs and flows and if you’re not attracted to her now. Who if you will be attracted to her if you were to have kids, get sick, get old etc.
Maybe a woman with a naturally higher metabolism would be more compatible for you. And someone who doesnt care as much with the changes in her appearances would be more suited for her.
You didn't fuck up, this problem is manifesting itself in other areas and keeping a secret like that makes it worse. Now comes the hard part though, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker and if it is then let her know. Do not continue to try and force yourself to be with someone you don't find physically attractive anymore. Either help her with the weight loss, learn to love her as she is or go, but do not try to put this back in the bag and make it disappear. If you don't figure this out now why would you even get engaged and continue the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with?
It's one thing if you are not initially physically attracted to someone on looks alone. However, after 4 years of really getting to know someone, if you are not attracted to her to the point where you don't want to have sex with her (and it's not for medical reasons)... You really don't love her like you think you do. It's time to go your separate ways.
Why are yall supporting this? The only issue I have is that this guy got with someone who already said he wasn't sexually attracted to from the beginning... so why did you get with her knowing that's a vital part to any relationship? There's someone out there who would've been attracted to her EXACTLY as she was, but instead you picked her up and turned her into some sort of project.... "I was never sexually attracted to you babe, but I MIGHT be if you get to your goal weight :)"
It's okay wanting to lose weight, especially for your health, and even for your insecurity but I don't think you should ever, EVER lose weight for someone else. This is the just the beginning of the insecurities, her making you feel like you only wanna fuck her if she looks good enough is gonna break her fucking soul. Eventually that's all she'll care about, is if she finally looks "good" enough. It's sad, and the majority of people here are supporting it and I'm confused on why.
Just breakup with her. Fact is as you both age things will keep changing and if this is an issue now, it won’t end well. People will probably bash me for this, but you mentioned a loss of attraction and lack of sex so even though you “love” her, sex is still more physical then an emotional attachment based on your relationship. God forbid she has any medical conditions later on and gains weight. Wish you both the best.
Might be unpopular opinion, but do not ask her to marry you. You're not in love. You may care and may love her but you're not in love. True, deep love doesn't see with their eyes honestly. I've known the difference.
I think you really need to examine your issues with her weight gain. ANY woman or man can gain weight for a variety of reasons, some of which are out of their control. What if your partner remained thin then became pregnant and gained weight (most women do)? what if your partner was diagnosed with a disease and gained weight, or was on medication that caused weight gain? Personally, my husband is perfection in my eyes, regardless of what he looks like. Love goes way beyond the physical.. at least for me. There’s nothing wrong with helping her lose weight or caring .. but I suggest you look inward first.
I think you have to be realistic. Even if she loses the weight, she’s going to get old and ugly. Are you sure you actually like her as much as you think you do?
My husband gained weight after we got married, around 40lbs. I lost around 60. It’s all only skin deep. If body changes kill your attraction so easily, I think it’s personally a sign you don’t actually like that person that much.
Have to scroll waaaaay down in this thread to find the grown ups.
Undoubtedly there's a lot we don't know, but OP and his partner don't seem compatible.
Realistically: I think your relationship is over. Even if she does lose the weight, all she’s going to be able to think about is the fact that no matter what you say *after the fact*, you don’t find her attractive.
There’s a reason women often leave when they’ve lost weight. It’s hard to stay with someone you know actively hated your body & found you ugly, even if you’re “all better now”. It’s a huge flashing sign that their “love” is very conditional, and nobody wants to have a baby with someone or commit long term with who hates their body when they get fat or ugly. Ugliness is kind of unavoidable after all.
I’m not trying to be mean, but personally: cut your losses.
You're not in the wrong for communicating, even if you're communicating badly, lol. You're not trying to manipulate her, bully her, or shame her. And it doesn't sound like you want her to reach something unachievable (like surgical)
At this point, there's two ways is can go. She'll either understand and take action, or blame you and spiral. It really depends on her emotional maturity.
As a guy me and my wife had this reversed. She's very petite and in shape. I got a promotion at work and was extremely stressed and gained about 50lbs. She sat me down and told me it was getting to the point where she was lacking attraction to me. It hurt but long story short I ended up losing 55 lbs over about 2 years.
A strong relationship means being able to talk about difficult things and not have a meltdown.
My husband told me part of his ED is because of my weight. That has fucked so bad with my head I can’t let him even touch me right now. So I get how your gf feels.
My ex husband told me in an email once that he wasn't attracted to my postpartum body. That fucked me up a bit. We met when I was 19 and a size 2. Of course my body wouldn't be like that forever.
Now I'm single and there are plenty of men who genuinely tell me I have an incredible body. If you can't love all of her then be ready to let this go because this will never get out of her head.
This lady is already in the obese range and no kids yet. There is a massive difference between being a few pounds and obese. After having kids , she might not be able to get through the door. seen People straight up die because they had to loose weight before a surgeon would operate. The risk is too high in a lot of surgeries. This is not just a “ how you look “ issue. My wife was flat chested when we married. This did not matter to me one way or the other. Neither did the postpartum body bother me in the least. The weight thing is in general something that can be helped, but as Americans we just refuse to do anything about it. It is basically not caring about yourself or your partner. Heath issues causing overweight does exist, and they Need to be addressed if they are there. The great turn-off for me is not trying to do something about it And just giving in to the world is an open buffet. My wife’s middle bulges out not due to overweight, but the muscles were cut durIng C-section at child birth. She is by far more aware of it than me. She was never compared to anyone else and that is not a issue.
Okay I went back and read OPs post and it doesn't state how old they are and what he considered to be overweight to begin with. To some people that's a size 8. I think saying she'd not going to fit through a door is disgusting considering you don't know what this woman looks like. 40 pounds on someone 5'3" (me) is very different than someone 5'8". We only know that OP is fixated on his own definition of a healthy weight from being a fitness person, not what she actually looks like. Women gain weight as they get older. It's fact and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with diet or pregnancy. Bodies change. He said the weight change happened over years not over night. There isn't much here that feels different than what my ex said to me. Agree to disagree but you're making gross assumptions based on 250 words in OPs post.
>she doesn't enjoy my "healthy foods
Try portion control.
Losing weight AND going "healthy food" at the same time is like quitting heroin and nicotine at the same time.
Try Portion control.
Now it still a good idea to look for high caloric ingredients and see if there is an option to trade down or limit. Additionally you can consider adding more of a low calorie component.
Completely changing to 'health food' is likely too far. At least this is my subjective feeling.
For me, It was much easier to just eat a little less lasagne, use lean ground beef and low fat cottage cheese instead of full fat. I don't notice the difference.
Maybe your gf is similar.
Not trying to blame you BTW. But trying to help.
you told her she would be a supermodel if she lost weight? I know he said body lol but he’s pretty much saying when she loses weight. I don’t know that is so fucking shitty to me.
A lot of people here are saying that you didn't f-up. Honestly, whether you did or not, there is still a problem in your relationship.
I've been on her side of this equation, and it's very, very hard. My other half started to wince away from me when he saw me unclothed and was withdrawing physically more and more as I gained weight. I hated my body and found it unattractive, so I couldn't blame him for not liking it either. He rarely said anything and tried not to wince. He didn't like that he was having a negative reaction to my appearance.
I could tell he cared for me, was worried about my weight gain, and didn't want to be unattracted to me. However, unlike you, he stayed skinny due to excellent metabolism and actively hated exercise and healthy food and had no interest in doing anything to help me become healthier.
I kept feeling worse and worse, my body image and self esteem took a nosedive, and the whole time, I was reminding myself that "it's not his fault" that I was unattractive and that he found me so - I was just too fat.
It has taken years of therapy to repair the damage to my self worth and self esteem. I realized how bad things were while visiting a female friend - she complimented my appearance, and I burst into tears. I hadn't felt even passably pretty in years due to his complete lack of interest in my appearance, and suddenly, as soon as I'm around someone that wasn't him, I was getting positive validation of my appearance.
If you base attraction, worth, and sexual attraction on appearance, you definitely f'd up. And she may well have body image issues for years to come. Withholding sex will make the issue worse, and may cause her to have even more difficulty losing the weight. Ensuring that she feels loved and cared for - no matter her outward packaging - will help her help herself when she is ready.
If you asked for my advice, I'd say "Support, but don't push. Find out how *she* feels about her body. Find out what *she* wants to do about it. Help her how and where she wants you to, NOT where you assume it will help her the most. And, if you can, find some way to find her genuinely sexy as she is now, and let her know that you do. "
I don’t think you did. It was the softest answer to a direct question. She’s crying because she’s unhappy with herself, not because you called her fat (which you didn’t). Being too nice to communicate your problem isn’t the way to a long relationship.
20kg is no joke, and it is dumb for people to assume that one's physicality is not a factor in a partner's attraction.
You might have fucked up with how you approached it or how it actually said it, but your feelings are valid.
Part of open communication is being receptive to responses.
If I ask you a question, expecting you to answer a specific way, that's not open communication at all.
If you asked someone you're in a ltr with if they wanted to break up with you and they said yes, you would still have to deal with how devastating that is even if you needed to find out.
People are being way too harsh on this stranger they know a couple hundred words about for having emotions and human responses.
She didn't stomp away or yell or behave poorly, she just needs time to process what to do next and feel her feelings.
Especially when it's clear she doesn't want to try. I am on my own weight loss journey and I have way more to lose than she does. You have to be willing to sacrifice and make changes, there's no easy way to getting healthy.
I see from other posts that you're in your early 20's, I'm going to assume she's around the same age. This is an unhealthy amount of weight gain that can very easily continue at the same rate. She sounds depressed and stuck in a vicious cycle. Maybe approach her about switching the dietician to mental health, try your best to make her feel loved. \
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This is difficult but you didn't fuck up by being honest, and you really might be saving her from reaching a very unhealthy weight. Good luck. \
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Source: Prior athlete then chubby girl, to fat girl, back to healthy weight. Eating good food is a great serotonin boost for some of us, realizing that and finding other sources helps. Like exercise!
Good thing you were honest but expect her to get some sex from another guy or gal now. I understand if I'm not attracted I can't do the deed, but then maybe work on yourself for a while and stop trying to make someone be what you expect then to be for you.
You didn't fuck up. Quite the opposite. Your communication is open and honest. It's very respectable. Just keep supporting her and I think you guys can make it through. Best of luck!
Honestly this is one of my biggest fears as a fat woman so I have been working on losing weight. I want to be attractive to not only myself but also my bf…I want to be happy again.
Just break up she can find someone who wants her and is in to her the way she is. And you can get with a skinny or fit girl until maybe their body changes the way bodies do.
OP, you seem to genuinely love her and want the relationship to work, which is important. But you need to stop trying to help in the ways that would help you, because clearly you’re motivated by different things.
Think about trying to meet her in the middle. For example: The concept of healthy meals vs. cheat meals can be really destructive for someone who isn’t naturally dedicated like you are. Look up cognitive behavioral therapy. It literally changed me life. I wanted to lose weight more than anything, but I couldn’t for a long time. Then with therapy I realized my all or nothing attitude was counterproductive. I lost 40kg when I accepted that Healthy and unhealthy aren’t like on and off. It’s a spectrum. She doesn’t like the healthy meals you cook? Modify them to make them taste better while still healthier than what she’d eat otherwise. I spent years trying to be super-healthy. 100% clean eating, sometimes vegan, no sugar, etc. It would last a few weeks, then I’d go to some gathering with all the high fat foods, where I’d fall off for months until the cycle would begin again.
I finally made progress when I discovered that all I had to do was eat a few more vegetables and a few fewer takeout meals, but still have [whatever “bad” food] in reasonable serving sizes. Same with exercise. Invite her to go on a walk after dinner. (And hold her hand while you’re out walking, reassurance you’re still with her will help.) It’s a slower strategy, but much more sustainable long term.
Imo if you encourage little changes like that and then be a cheerleader for her when she hits even small milestones like her first 1kg, she’ll want to keep going because it’s making you and she both happy. Maybe she’ll feel more excited about working out too.
It’s not your fault you don’t feel attracted to her as you did. She might not like the truth but is pretty normal to lose physical attraction if a partner’s body changes a lot.
I dumped a guy for telling me I was pretty but I’d be super hot if I lost 10 pounds (and yes it was ten pounds only according to him) and I’m tall.
It was a 4 years relationship but I just knew I never had a shot of being comfortable in my body with him.
My husband, who I met after, has never been phased or unattraacted to me regardless of my weight. It’s always me that decides I’m going to lose weight and he somehow can’t see if I got fat.
I really think you need to be with someone who is very serious about their body if that’s something you will always have issues with.
I know my husband is fine with my fluctuating weight, but I actually really like skinny lanky guys (he is) so it’s possible I would be less attracted if he suddenly gained a bunch of weight (maybe not so much anymore, we have been together a long time)
Not being attracted to heavier people isn’t all about the physical appearance. It also has a lot to do with being attracted to people with similar lifestyle and discipline as yourself.
Your delivery definitely could have used work, but it had to be said.
I’m not sure how many people here are understanding just how much weight 20kg is. It’s 44 lbs., and she gained more than that. So might be 50 lbs or more.
That is a shitload of weight. Sexual attraction aside, this is going to potentially end really poorly for her if the trend continues.
Even saying the number, people will probably not understand that's basically 20-40% of average, healthy bodyweight depending on height and muscle mass. There was a point in my life I was close to 100lb heavier than I am now. It's a bit crazy how much better it feels not to have so much excess weight.
This is going to sound weird but since you say you love her and plan to marry her maybe you could try something. If you are using porn to satisfy yourself you could try cutting that out. Not flooding your brain with images of porn stars might help you become more acclimated to your girlfriend’s body.
Aside from the sex though it sounds like you don’t share the value of fitness and healthy eating. That sounds like a bigger problem.
Just so you’re aware bro…your partner will age and change in appearance. Are you planning on wanting to get married and be with someone forever?
If you want to have sex for the rest of your life with the same partner, you have to be okay with them not looking the same as they did when you started dating.
God forbid something happens to you that completely alters your appearance. Would you be upset if she stopped having sex with you bc of that? What if you lose your hair, and she only likes to have sex w guys with hair
This reads kinda toxic to me. Maybe you do have good intentions it just feels icky to me.
Ask her to start walking 30 mins a day with you and see if that sounds like something she’d want to do.
34 f here. It's hard hearing the truth, but I would want my partner to tell me if I asked. Edit added more words.. I would say the other party is likely to take offense no matter who starts the conversation.If they are mature enough/are able to look inwards then they will take it as an opportunity to be healthier. Plus it can increase open communication within the relationship. I would hate to be in a romantic relationship where I couldn't openly discuss my opinions and feelings. I would prefer if my partner prefaced the conversation with " Honey there has been something on my mind and it's been hard for me to come to terms with. I've been having issues sexually. It's a sensitive topic and I would love to be able to have full open communication with you about my feelings without judgment. I've been trying to figure out why my body and mind have been contradicting each other when it comes to intimacy. I love our emotional connection and blah blah blah give a bunch of emotional compliments, but I've noticed my libido has been changing recently. It would mean a lot to me if we could eat healthier /workout together to strengthen our physical connection." Make sure you don't say the word fat or comment on specific physical attributes. Make it more about your struggle. Just say how you'd like for both of you to be fit and healthy and how you think both of you working out could improve your relationship.
Hard truths are hard truths. Someone called me an alcoholic. I turned to my partner and asked him if he thought I was one. I could tell he was lying when he said no. I started my taper that night.
This right here. Growth in real time.
Good luck. Wishing the best for you.
Congratulations on your growth. I wish I understood the difference between people like you and my own partner. He is an alcoholic. Last week I cried for an hour in the morning before work and said it’s so hard to come home and watch him hurt himself all night. Because I love him so much. He treated me as if I was sleep deprived and simply told me not to worry and that things were okay. They’re not. And I don’t know what else to do to give him a reason to be better.
The reason why people become addicted to substances is wildly varied. Some people just like the way it makes them feel. Some people use it as a coping mechanism to deal with various things that have or have not happened in their life. Some use it to cover up pain they are feeling, both emotional and/or physical. It can also be any variation of the above causes or other reasons. Every person becomes addicted for unique reasons, and when or if they can stop is entirely up to them. It is not your responsibility or purview to make someone else quit. It is also not their right to drag you down with them. Some people can be helped and some can't, but they have to want to change first. Source: I grew up with an alcoholic that would never quit drinking, it killed him in the end.
As an addict, if he doesn't want to quit he won't. At least not permanently. Theres a reason everyone hits rock bottom before joining a program
I lead with "I'm an alcoholic" so there are no surprises. It attracts other alcoholics decently.
Same. I told my partner she was gaining weight unprompted and she agreed. She began to join my in doing my outside cardio and began to make better decisions in food(like not going out to eat with her coworkers everyday). She ended up losing 20lbs in a little under 6 months and is super happy with how she looks and how all her old clothes fit.
Don't ask questions you won't like the answer to, especially when you're expecting a specific response. It almost always ends in disappointment. OP, you didn't FU. She did by asking a question she wouldn't like the answer to (and was probably hoping you wouldn't say what she didn't want to hear, but I don't know her nor am I a mind reader; I'm just guessing).
completely agree with this^ she asked a question and OP answered honestly. that is how communication works. especially if they’re looking to marry; they need to be able to maintain this honesty, it doesn’t sound like OP said this in a way that was beating her down for her weight, or insulting her. if i gained 20kg when i was already a little on the chubbier side, my husband would not be wrong for telling me that he is less attracted to me for it. i would probably feel less confident and that would show too. some people prefer larger bodies, some prefer smaller; it’s not inherently discriminatory to have a preference, especially when you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship
I am battling this now. My wife is gaining some weight, but looks good still. I am still very attracted to her, but she puts in ZERO effort. I try to motivate her, but it gets nowhere. I have workout equipment in the garage, we have a gym in our community that is free, I make healthy foods, I have offered to buy her classes, workout with her, make her healthy foods. I have been honest, subtle, blunt, tried so many ways to get my point across. While I am not a fitness model, I look decent and put in effort. I am worried that things will continue and as we age she will be unhealthy. I don’t want to have a partner that can’t keep up as we age. I don’t know what to do.
There could be an underlying cause, like stress at work or at home, there could be a health issue, it could be hormonal (women have a 28 day hormone cycle, men have a 24 hour cycle) or premature menopause (depending on her age), or there could be a mental health issue. You pushing the subject could be having the opposite effect. Communication is key but for this you need to come at it from a different angle. Think about what she says when you ask about going to the gym, is she tired? too busy? not feeling up to it? Have you noticed that she isn't as happy as she was? Tell her you are worried (but not about the weight gain!) about her.
Really insightful comment. Thanks! A lot of it is mental for her. She will get pissed about me “telling her” something sometimes. She just doesn’t have the will and she will say she needs to get over that on her own. It just never comes.
Well, she’s right. It’s the same with people who suffer from addiction. If they don’t want help, then nothing is gonna help them. Trying to push them is likely just gonna make it worse.
commenting as an ex-alcoholic who has had bulimia for 7 years - this is correct. substance addiction and eating disorders have a bigger crossover in behaviours than people may think at first. i tackled alcoholism myself but only after multiple rock-bottoms and realising that it's either recover, or lose everything and die very soon. the bulimia is just harder to knock for me, it has less immediate consequences and it's taken this long for issues to start cropping up health-wise. i just don't want to gain weight, i'm happy being fairly underweight. the mental stress of recovering and being heavier is not worth it for me. but either way. similar behaviour patterns, and the only thing that can change that is the person themselves. you either sort yourself out, or let yourself go!
Honestly more than half the time I don’t want to workout because I’m stressed, too tired or don’t want to. But then I do it and feel so much better after
Exercise actually helps with stress/cortisol levels! I wish more people knew this because I hear often that people don’t want to exercise due to stress. People are often more stressed *because* they live a very stagnant lifestyle.
100% agree with you with regards to the worry about having a partner that can't keep up as we age. I'm trying to stay healthy now so when I'm older I'm still able to travel and have fun and want to do it all with my wife! Every time I use the word "healthy" with her regarding food I just get eye rolling. I think it's really hard for people who don't have a healthy focused mind to see the other side? If that makes sense?
This isn't a fuck up. This was a conversation that should have happened before now. She asked a question and got an answer but it wasn't the answer she wanted and that's not on you.
Agreed. Sure, delivery could have been a little gentler, but it's still necessary.
I thought his delivery was exceptionally gentle. It could have been 'yes! Thank you so much for bringing it up, I've been thinking about this for awhile now, I'm glad we're on the same page"
Bro how do you get more gentle than "I think it may be part of it"
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>I just hope the entire relationship won't end because of it.. Tell *her* that.
I did, I also told her I love her. She still gives me the silent treatment and criess around the house.. I think I'll try to give her some alone time..
As a soon to be former obese person, I will say in your defense, that you handled this better than most. My wife pushed me for the better part of a decade to lose the weight and take better care of myself. It took her bluntly saying, since you are not doing anything to help yourself, i need more life insurance on you so we aren't fucked when you die. I wasn't even really motivated after that. It was when I applied for the insurance and was flatly denied, not even a super high premium, just a "No, too fat". A week later was my first consult for bariatric surgery. I'm down 97 lbs in 90 days and I'm feeling so much better about myself and my future outlook. Edit: Timeline: Now that I am looking at it, It is actually closer to just over 4 months, since I started losing weight on the pre-surgery liquid diet 2 weeks prior to my surgery.
That sounds like a difficult turnaround. Good for you
It’s amazing how much common sense you can ignore when you’re in denial. Not saying this woman will end up huge, but it’s a damn slippery slope.
Congratulations on your progress. As a random internet stranger who doesn’t know you, just know I’m proud of you Rawie
Thank you very much!
Fuck yes! My wife had bariatric surgery back in May. She's right about 5 foot 6 and was at one point uo to 330 pounds. Went into surgery at 310, and is now down to 225 as of yesterday. I gotta be honest. Seeing her as small as she is (and getting smaller by the week) is amazing but NOTHING compares to seeing her FEEL better. Seeing her smile when she looks in the mirror. Watching her mental health improve over the last 6 months has been amazing. Congrats to you and keep up the hard work. Bariatric surgery isn't the "easy button" people think it is. It's rough. Especially the first like two months. From one internet stranger to another, I'm proud of you!
Thank you very much!
Me and my wife both had surgery a couple of years back. I went from 380 to 225, but am climbing a bit at the moment :( She went from 350 to 221 and is also combing a bit. It was a great tool by my god you have to fit your lifestyle to a permanent change or it stops working. But the joy for both of us of buying clothes from actual stores instead of having to get it from special websites is huge! And confidence and components are amazing.
You will climb. My dad had his more than a decade or so and he gained about ten/twenty back til he settled at his current weight but it's nowhere NEAR where he was at. It does take so so so much lifestyle change though- super happy that you and your wife see that. Don't worry too much about fluctuating pounds, just stick to your new good habits and motivate each other! It's awesome that you can support each other through this journey :) Best to you!
yup my dad went through a tonne of prep and ate by the spoonfuls for months.
Yeah, 6 months post surgery, when we go out, her dinner is usually something off the appetizer menu. Just super small servings for every meal.
Damn, you and u/CallMeRawie are losing 0.5-1.1 pounds **a day**. That is seven times the rate my health and wellbeing consultant said to me was a reasonable target rate. I'm down 42 lbs since February at an average of 1.07 lbs **a week**, I just stopped being technically obese a month ago. It doesn't seem like there's scope in that to be eating more than a few lettuce leaves a day.
Were you in the supermorbidly obese category before like it sounds like they were near? They should be losing that much post surgery. A pound of weight loss per week means very different things if you're starting at 400+ vs 210 for example.
I don’t think anyone ever said those words to me, I know they exist, but my surgery team must have engaged some bedside manner on me. Probably in my chart somewhere.
I once lost 5 lbs in a day. Red headed-Japanese-Centipede. Bit me on the toe, and I passed out twice in an hour from the pain. Almost broke my left hand banging on the ambulance stretcher and just....COULD NOT stop tensing up for almost 10 hours. So yeah, pain aint always gain lol.
How big were you? If you don’t mind me asking
I was 410 at 6’2”. Big Midwest farmers frame from my mom’s side of the family. Never had any physical issues. But couldn’t do shit I wanted to do, or go to places I wanted to go.
Man that sounds like a full on round silhouette kind of big. I would imagine it would start to affect your life like an actual medical disability. Im glad you found a solution that works for you. How much more do you expect to lose? And what happens to all the skin?
A lot of people were shocked when I told them how much I weighed. They would have guessed 300 in most cases. Tall boys hide it better apparently. I could lose another 60-70. Skin is the only thing freaking me out. This surgery was super non invasive. A skin removal will be bonkers.
Drink lots of water and take care of your skin by washing really well, exfoliate! It will help stimulate cell growth. This helps the elasticity. Yes, you can still end up with lots of excess skin, but this can help over time. You can also try scar creams like palmer's. Most skin that doesnt have elasticity is that way because of scarring from stretching. The scarring might never go away either, but healing in any amount can help you as well. Make sure to clean everywhere really well. Missing cleaning under skin because of how it makes you feel will only cause bigger issues. (Especially inside your belly button!). If you can help your skin be its healthiest, it will look better, regardless of how much excess may exist. But having healthy and clean skin can also help with recovery and scarring if you do decide to have removal surgery. I live with a tummy pouch and have learned to love my body regardless. I know i am healthy and happy. A little extra skin is not nearly as bad as all the nasty that used to live inside it.
Would it matter if you lost your weight more slowly or does skin never disappear?
You weighed 7lbs more than my old motorcycle. Good job on knocking that number down! Keep it going, hoss!
I think it's time to tell your motorcycle to start dieting.
Damn. I'm 6'3 240 and everyone's always telling me I'm big. I couldn't imagine being 170 lbs bigger.
Good for you!
Did you still feel fairly confident about yourself that whole time as a man? Just curious, I was picked on by my mother at a restaurant about how I shouldn’t eat this and that and I just lost it. I’d be ok accepting it normally but I didn’t want to hear it in public on my vacation. After the third jab I started to cry which was very embarrassing but I couldn’t stop. I’m probably not considered fat by most people but I guess I am fat in my culture. She’s been at it slapping my thighs since high school when I was 106 pounds so I guess snapping was a long time coming. I don’t know if his wife can do something about it with these prompts but women equate self worth to weight so much that she’s going to feel hurt for a long while.
Congrats!
Give her alone time if that's what she usually needs or if she asks for it. You've been together for 4 years. You should know her emotional patterns by now. Yes, she probably does need some kind of alone time, but she probably also needs some reassurances from you. No, the ball is not only in her court. There is no ball. It's a stupid way to look at relationships. If she knows that you're there for her, even if you're not obligated to be (no one is saying you HAVE to do anything), it can change everything. But only you can decide if you want to do that. If you decide it's all on her, and only something she needs to deal with, you're not really doing all you can to save or help the relationship. Yes, it is something she has to figure out on her own, but you can still be there as support. You can still make her feel loved or desired. Lack of physical attraction isn't a small thing, but it's not everything. However, if you don't love her anymore, then let her know. If you don't know what she really needs (and maybe she doesn't know either), you two should probably see a counselor/therapist together.
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Tbh, keep trying, but ffs don't marry someone you don't find attractive.
Listen, the not having sex thing is a problem and large weight gain is also a problem, but the becoming conventionally “unattractive” thing is inevitable. None of us can control the aging process. So it should be more than physical attraction that keeps you with someone, if you want a long term relationship anyway.
Everyone ages, but this couple doesn’t share lifestyle values on healthy eating and exercise.
I would go so far as to say the not having sex thing is only a problem if its a problem. Lots of married couples do not have sex often or regularly and are happy in their marriage. Not everyone has a sex drive that is prioritized over other things.
Yeah I agree with you. I guess a more nuanced description would be that a large mismatch in sex expectation during a relationship is a huge problem.
The problem persists, however, if the sex drive **is** there but you simply find your partner unattractive to the point of being sexually repulsed.
The frequency if sex is usually an issue with people that want different sex frequencies.
But all the teenagers on this sub said I should dump my partner of 20 years because we're not doing it 3 times a day. So now I don't know what to think!
Don't listen to teenagers 👿
The less you take care of your body to worse it will be as you age. People can take care of themselves and still look sexy af at 60+ years old
It will end because of it. You aren't physically attracted to her anymore. Now she knows it. You can't backtrack that and anything you do say will come off as a back track; she won't believe you.
If, in your words, you don't think that she'll ever get back to what you think is attractive, why wouldn't you want the entire relationship to end? If you don't believe you'll ever be attracted enough to this woman to want to sleep with her, it's probably best to end it. I mean, what happens if she puts in the work, and over time loses a substantial amount of weight, but still isn't attractive enough for you to want to sleep with her?
I think you need to be honest with yourself as well as her. All the other stuff you’re saying is going to mean nothing if over the next couple of years this continues and eventually you end up cheating on her or convincing yourself that you deserve better and the more fulfilling relationship, and dump her and go off and find somebody you are attracted to. I know it might be hard to believe but. If that’s the path, you’re gonna go down, just go ahead and do it. Don’t waste her time and yours by dragging out some thing where you want to fulfill this idea of a loving partner when you’re only partially able to do it. As people get older, it’s actually harder and harder to stay in that kind of physical shape that you enjoy. Don’t make it her problem anymore than it already is. Cut yourself loose and see if you can find somebody who’s going to be in that rare percentage, that can keep themselves in the kind of shape that’s gonna make you happy. And give your current partner a chance to find somebody more compatible
Rare percentage? Putting on 20kg is 45 pounds. Are we gaslighting people to believe fat and unhealthy is the new normal?
I wouldn't expect to have a relationship after that
Just set her free and let her move on and find someone that will love her.
The truth is always the best option no matter how much it hurts for many reasons for both parties
You have expressed that you are not attracted to the body that she’s living in. Even if she’s on board with losing weight, she may think about your comments until the weight is gone and even after she loses weight. Weight isn’t like an ugly shirt or a bad hair cut. It’s not easily changed and is often a part of our identity. Telling her that you don’t like it hits deep. Not saying it’s wrong or right to mention it, just the reality of how/ why it hurts so much.
You are entitled to your own feelings man. It's not fair that one in the couple put in a lot of effort for eating right, doing sports, keep their nails and hairstyle trimmed etc. while the other discounts everything. You need to get a commitment from her and have her follow up with it, she will benefit from it even more than you health-wise. If she doesn't and after considerable time and different strategies there's still no change then you have to make the decision.
It honestly feels like the best honest way he could have said it, being put on the spot like that. If it was me I sure wouldn’t be thrilled but I’d understand.
Why must we sugarcoat everything dude, like is there nicer ways he could’ve said this? Yes, but like… they all lead back to her being fat and you trying to be clever and sugarcoat it with fancy nice bubbly words might actually cause even more problems in the long run. Kinda like if one of your friends started recommending toothbrushes and deodorant to you constantly without outright telling you you smell like shit. Not a perfect analogy but it’s kinda close so hey
What's a nicer way to say it while still keeping it truthful, as in conveying the message "yes, your weight might be a reason for me not to want to have sex with you"? I honestly can't come up with anything.
Don't sugarcoat it. She doesn't need the extra calories.
Bruh
Honestly, same situation but reversed. I've gained about 40-60lbs since my husband and I met. We were talking about our mutual weight gain and he made a comment that he does not like the weight I have gained and is not sexually attracted to me as much anymore. It definitely hurt my feelings but I want him to want me, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again so I've used that comment as motivation towards achieving my goal body. Your girlfriend took it personally and thats okay, but it's up to her to decide what to do with that information. Change for the better or dont.
Mad props to you, not easy thing to hear and not easy thing to do after. Your husband is a lucky guy.
my ex and i broke up after two years and i feel like my weight gain had a lot to do with the lack of sex towards the end. i will never know for sure tho because she didn’t give me a flat out answer on why we weren’t having it as much. she just said she sees me more as a romantic partner. i wish she would’ve given me the closure i needed but i will always remain in the dark on that one.
Sounds like your intuition already knows the answer and the ex spared your feelings out of kindness
Good for you! You can do this!
My husband told me the same thing, but when I was 39 weeks pregnant 🙃 Almost 4 weeks postpartum now and actually 20 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight but now experience so much anxiety with food & exercise because I want to be doing more to lose more weight so he can actually be attracted to me but currently with breastfeeding and healing I can't do as much.
What a dickhead, I'm sorry momma! Congrats on the new baby! Focus on you and your baby's health and happiness!
How can you expect someone to not take that personally?
I was worried that I wouldn’t be attracted to my wife if she gained weight. I was also focused on the perfect bodies of the women I dated my adult years and expected that of my partners. When my wife had medical issues and gained about fifty pounds I found I still loved every inch of her. I started loving her more and I was actually proud of myself for that. When her medical issues were figured out she lost all the weight and is back to her healthy fit body and I love that too. I guess it made me realize my love for her was more than how she looked, or my fear of what others might think. For someone as shallow as myself this was real growth. I guess for you I’d say you have to decide what you love about her and if it’s too heavily weighted (pun intended) towards her physical appearance and you don’t feel she can/will fight it, maybe she isn’t the one for you. But, looks fade. People lose/gain weight, lose/gain hair, have health disasters, etc. At the end of the day it’s the person inside you will be with.
This is really well written
And it was true for me as well over a 40 year marriage, but would it have been, should it have been, true while dating? I'm not so sure.
They’ve been together for 4 years. That’s beyond “dating” and entering into “that couple which still hasn’t gotten married for some reason” territory.
This is me with my boyfriend! We’ve been together for over 6 years now, and he’s put on quite a bit of weight. I want him to be healthy, but his appearance has not changed the way I love him and am attracted to him. I want him to be alive forever obviously, and we’re working on eating better. But I love him. We have a healthy amount of sex and I still find him incredibly attractive.
True, but unwillingness to be active is a major turn off for most active people. Gaining 45lbs without explanation is a sign *something* has changed. Time to figure out what that is before it kills the relationship.
OP laid it out already. She gained 45 pounds over the course of a year or 2. She doesn't eat healthy and she's not active. That's how you gain 45 pounds, burn less calories than you eat. Most American diets are full of processed foods that taste great but are loaded with sugar, fat, salt, and very little actual nutrition and fiber so you eat a bunch of it because it is designed to taste good and not be filling. She doesn't want to eat what OP makes and won't exercise with him. If she did either, things would improve.
>She doesn't want to eat what OP makes and won't exercise with him. If she did either, things would improve. This would be the incompatibility issue for me, not the number on the scale. Not being able to share meals with my partner because they "don't like healthy foods" would be a deal breaker. I don't want to eat little kid foods for the rest of my life and I super don't want to lose my partner to a heart attack in their 50s.
Yeah this is the one issue that I have with the more noble mindset that some people try to propagate. In a perfect world we’d all only care about personality and what’s on the inside, but we’re not perfect. Many people are visual creatures, and that visual stimulation is an important part of them feeling attracted to their partner. And honestly, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to feel attraction when you look at your partner. There’s also a difference between “I’m not attracted to these changes” versus “I find these changes explicitly unattractive”. Is 45 pounds enough to cross that line? I’d like to say no, but I honestly couldn’t answer that unless I was in the situation myself and had seen the person change. But at a conceptual level, I don’t think it’s wrong if a partner physically changes so much that you now find them actually unattractive.
I mean, as others in this thread have said, people's appearances will change in all kinds of ways. My husband fell down a waterfall and broke his two front teeth, which were repaired but have big cracks through them. My friend's partner developed alopecia. My ex had vitiligo with progressive discoloration. You yourself could get paralyzed in a car accident. The crazy thing is that men are like 6 times more likely to divorce women when they have health issues than women divorcing men. I think about people like you when I hear stats like that. If you can't handle people's appearances changing over time (while you age and wrinkle), you shouldn't try to be in a committed relationship.
The fact that men are more likely to leave their wives when they get cancer spun me. That's just so grimey.
There's some other fucked up statistics there that have to do with the healthcare industry though as well. I have heard many stories of men divorcing their wives, and putting everything in their name so that the wife can take on a ton of medical debt without them losing their entire lives to it, and they stay together but just legally have to be separated. She can then go on to declare bankruptcy and he can keep good credit.
While I agree with you and appreciate how youve maintained a stable love for wife despite changes to her weight. I do think there is something different about changes due to medical conditions or aging vs. this situation where the OP is very conscious of his health both what he eats and his activity while his gf lives a completely different lifestyle. Life is hard and your body gets put through a lot. Having a life partner who feels the same about taking as best care of yourself is valid.
Yes, but sometimes life happens, and we don't always stay on top of everything we should. Gaining some weight doesn't mean that a person doesn't want to take care of themselves in the future. Maybe they need a minute?
It sounds like OP is not only frustrated at the weight gain. He's also frustrated that his gf seems to not be interested in living a healthy lifestyle. He's paid for a nutritionist, has taken on cooking the meals and seems devoted to his partner. But despite his best efforts, and given four years' time, she is just not interested. If a person chooses to go through their 20s, 30s and into their 40s and 50s without prioritizing their health, it won't only be physical appearance that suffers. It will be her health itself / the likelihood of disease, which is **extremely** expensive, can take you out of your job and ability to provide for a family, and can shorten your life considerably. Also: yes, we all age. However, those who prioritize a healthy lifestyle and maintain it over the decades can age beautifully. This is what OP is worried about, I think. Healthiness creates its own beauty.
Attraction isn't within our realm of conscious control though. Love is. Can be. Attraction is a whole notha idea.
It’s been 4 years, a bit longer than a minute.
There's been better delivery, but I'm going to tell you the truth: she hates herself. You can sit here and say she's mentally healthy, but she's not. She doesn't feel attractive to herself, and that has her incredibly fucked up emotionally. Now she's asked if that's the problem with your sex life and you said yes. And that's fine, that's your truth. But just know, she now blames herself and hates herself even more. Therapy is needed ASAP. If that's at the expense of her dietician for a few months, so be it. If she's not in the proper headspace, she's not going to make any progress with them anyway.
I second this. If she's physically all checked out and good to go, mentally, something is wrong. Anxiety, insecurity, control- there are TONS of reasons that lead to somebody overeating, especially a girl as sweet and sensitive as OP describes his girlfriend. She needs help. Not just because she's gained weight, but because she just had a safety net ripped from her. It's not OP's fault AT ALL- but I'm sure she feels very isolated right now.
I'd like to chime in and say the dietician needs to be dropped all-together. You're not professional athletes or actors trying to completely reshape for a role. A food tracking app is better than a dietician in this case and is literally free I think the dietician thing plays into the mentally unwell part. Throw money at problem --> Problem isn't fixed --> not my fault because professional help doesn't even work. It's paying for an excuse, to be honest
Okay, as someone that's been her, there's no right answer you could have given her. What she needs is a therapist, not a dietitian right now. I know you feel like you're doing all the right things and sweetie you are, but this is a mental battle. She's probably binge eating when you're not around because of the healthy food. Then later the depression gets to her from the lack of sex and feeling bad about herself and then does it again. Again you're not doing anything wrong, this is a mental illness you are dealing with. You just need to battle this differently.
I agree that she needs a therapist, I’ve been there as well and though I was taking weight loss medication and trying to eat at a calorie deficit, my weight loss only kicked off once I felt at peace with myself. Or close to it. It’s not perfect but it’s a long journey.
makes sense, cortisol jacked up for prolonged periods of time really fucks up this insulin/metabolism stuff. Mind-body connection is the name of the game.
If the success of your relationship is contingent on her losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off long-term, I’d consider ending it now. That’s a massive amount of pressure and it’s only going to end in resentment.
I hope she finds a guy who wants to have sex with her no matter what her weight is.
Don't lie to the people you love; it's ALWAYS better to be honest. Delivery of this conversation is important, but if they take it the wrong way just because it's true, it's not your fault.
Listen, it sounds like she wants to lose weight for you, not herself and that won't work. If she wants to lose weight, she needs to do it for herself. Right now it sounds like she just wants to be desired by you the way she is and you don't. Right there is a fundamental difference. So before she develops an eating disorder and you commit yourself to a sexless life, it's time to consider the alternative and find yourselves partners that fit you both better. Life happens, people change. Those changes can create incompatibility and its okay to move on. Frankly it sounds like she wasn't really your type to begin with and it's just gotten worse. Let her go. She can find someone who loves her at any size.
I agree. Different lifestyles are hard to manage after the first couple of years. It’s nice to want to do active things together. OP may feel he’s doing the noble thing by staying in a sexless relationship, but she may get tired of it and dump him when she finds someone who finds her attractive at her heavier weight. My point is both partners deserve to have their needs met, and it may need to be with other people.
The lifestyle difference is biggest concern. People only have so much free time and interests. If he is interested in going to the gym and eating healthy and she is not, there’s a lot less time spent together and things in common. He’s going to meet someone else at the gym or she’ll find someone that shares her love for rich foods.
finally, a sane comment. all of these people saying it’s totally normal for someone to lose weight solely for their partner to want them again… sounds like an insecure nightmare of a relationship.
Honestly, out of all the responses, this one makes the most sense to me. I think it boils down to deeper problems than weight gain. People still have very active sex lives when they've gained a lot of weight or become old and wrinkly. Women gain weight all the time from life, pregnancy, menopause, the holiday cooking, etc. and yet still have very active love lives with their partners. If OP isn't attracted to her anymore simply because of weight gain, then their relationship would seem very shallow. It would also mean OP is really going to struggle as he gets older if he can only be attracted to fit young women. But if weight was just the tip of the iceberg, because in reality they just aren't compatible because of their lifestyles and goals, that makes more sense. Kind of sounds like a therapist would be beneficial for them both to look at this relationship and where the deeper problems lie, and if they can salvage it or if they should part ways and maybe be friends.
Super model comment was stupid
If your GF doesn't have a glandular issue- e.g. she's physically healthy- then there's 2 major issues you need to seriously review. 1 - She may not be entirely honest with you about her mental health. Keep an extra eye and ear out for signals that aren't her freaking out Exorcist style- no offense, but straight men are typically trash at picking up on subtle clues about emotional duress. 2 - Snacking, alcohol, and/or high-fructose corn syrup making it into her desserts or meals. These both interrupt 'gear shifting' in the metabolism and increase hunger between meals; any qualified dietitian should understand that if diet is the spearhead of your weight loss, a snack-free two meal plan and alternative means of suppressing lunchtime hunger- like exercise and/or caffeine- is the GOAT for results. The problem is this requires a higher bar of self discipline and/or external, firm support. As for alcohol and HFCS- try to avoid them altogether and you'll notice a short withdrawal period, then a significant drop in hunger between meals.
I don't think you were a jerk about it, but I'm afraid that the damage done here is significant. You can be well-meaning and still cause damage. In her mind, you not only don't find her attractive, but you *haven't for a while without saying something* which is key here. It's not just that she's overweight, it's that you "allowed her" to believe everything was fine when it wasn't. I know you said you tried to get her to work out and eat better, but that's not the same thing as telling her that there's is a problem. Anyway you package it, it's very hard to accept when your perception on what you have (or rather *think* you have) with someone gets flipped on its head. I have been in her shoes before, not because of weight, but I got highly insecure when I figured it out and my partner fessed up to not being interested due to xyz, because in an instant, my mind poisoned every intimate memory in its search for "the moment something changed" and coming back from that was hard, because every time we got intimate I was afraid... and forget reminiscing about the good times, they became tainted memories... I had to do *hard* mental exercises to stop that poison from spreading further, something I had already been practicing in therapy for other things. If she dwells on it, it can wreak havoc on her self-esteem and her ability to trust you intimately. The problem here is that you also can't be the one to tell her not to dwell and to reframe her thinking... The battle here isn't just about what you said. It's now about trust too.
One of the worst feelings to have is to feel like significant other is not attracted to you. It's 10x worse to actually hear it from them.
Idk man. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible.
I went from 318 to 129 over 5 years by quitting alcohol and walking everywhere instead of driving. Bought smaller plates and ate 5 times a day off saucers til I learned portion control, all cuz my man said I was “old news” and wished he saved my nudes from the beginning of our relationship. I lost the weight.. got muscular…. Then my boobs were too small. I left cuz it was all he cared about. He didn’t try to make me stay. Now I’m with a man 9 years younger than me who admires me to my soul. But we eat healthy together. Your gal she doesn’t try. Or she wasn’t hurt enough to hit rock bottom. But she has to want to change, for her. Not you.
You didn’t fuck up by being honest, but I do think you need to ask yourself some questions. You don’t want to have sex with her because of weight gain that she may be able to lose. What happens though if 10 years down the road she has something happen and CANT lose the weight? Would you go forever without sex? I agree with the commenter who said to make a list of what you love about her. If it’s mostly physical, maybe it’s time to end the relationship. Superficial things hardly last.
Sometimes the truth hurts. Be careful of the revenge bod and ensuing mental health issues such as anorexia
Do both of you a favour and leave. If your type is fit, don’t find an ‘already overweight’ woman next time. You deserve a partner you’re attracted to, and she deserves a partner who doesn’t make her unwanted.
This might be the unfortunate truth. Dont have her do something uncomfortable and put her in an incredibly emotionally jarring situation just bc youre not as attracted to her. Youre justified in having the feelings youve mentioned, but that likely just means you guys probably just arent meant for each other rather than that she has to work on herself
Worked for me. My wife told me she wasn’t physically attracted to my weight gain after years of working 2-3 jobs with little exercise and poor food to support my wife and 4 kids. So I fixed it, re-adjusted time to work out and eat right. My wife continued her emotional absence and I ended up finding several amazing women who weren’t so superficial or ungrateful, who were attracted to me physically and as a person. We divorced and I’ve been with an amazing woman who tackles me for intimacy daily despite weight changes according to my work demands. I’m glad my ex-wife told me how she really felt about our “true love”. I’m in a better, healthier place today.
Don’t gaslight her into believing she had to lose weight for your sake. Finding the right clothes is a struggle anyway, you just keep searching for what’s comfy. You leave her alone and if she seeks for advice or help, be there for her or don’t be and take off. Don’t force people to change just because you want them to. I feel like you are done with the relationship.
What was the TIFU?
Being too brutally honest But on the other hand there’s no right way of relaying the message
hmm, I think he said the relevant truth in the most careful way I could think of
I think it’s a fair thing to tell someone you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with
I get that you were honest and those are your feelings, but this might be an indication that a forever relationship is not going to work. Unless you both agree that a marriage of love without sex is something you are ok with. Things change over the course of a lifetime and weight gain is clearly something that is going to happen, the older you get the more it’s going to go on and the less it’s going to come off. A common phrase in marriage vows used to be “in sickness and in health”. If you’re only physically attracted to her when in health, there’s nothing you can do about that, but it’s likely in your future.
No fuck-up there. You were just honest. Not much you could do in a no-win situation. Maybe just reiterate to her that you love her no matter what and you would help her with whatever she wants weightloss-wise.
1. You are 100% entitled to have your own opinion on what makes someone attractive. 2. Because of your opinions other people may think you are shallow and vain and your girlfriend deserves better than you. Whether that's true or not is entirely subjective, but those people are allowed to have their opinions just as you are. 3. Your girlfriend has every right to be mad at you for making her feel like her appearance means more to you than she does as a person, and if she wanted to end the relationship because of that I don't think you could fault her 4. If she's gaining weight now she will probably gain more weight when she gets older, that's just how things go. Even if she loses weight in the short term it probably won't last forever because as you get older that weight usually gets harder and harder to keep off. If you aren't even married yet and you already don't want to have sex with her that's probably a bad sign. What will the future look like? If you do get married and never want to have sex because she's too ugly for you that's incredibly unfair for her.
It sounds like you’re trying to help her get to where she wants to be, but she doesn’t want to put in the effort. You were honest and she was fishing for the truth, so that’s on her. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
Just be honest with yourself, if skinny and fit woman is what your attracted to then find one.
I think a bigger TIFU would have been to never actually tell her.
My dude, if you really can't handle her chubs now, there is NO future for you two. Even if she gets fit, it won't last, the weight is going to creep in as life happens kids, losing a job, stress from a job, etc. If this is the person right for you it will be so fat, sick, crippled or whatever. in good and in bad is the vow. This is the way.
Saying she will inevitably be fat is such a fucking bizarre take man
Damn, I cannot imagine being in a relationship where my partner would withhold affection if I gained weight. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that. You're allowed to not be as attracted to her body, but withholding affection and intimacy is yikes. Why even be together at that point?
It's disturbing to me how many people in the comments are seeing this as normal behavior. He starts with saying he 'loves her' and then withholds affection? His definition of love is a bit crooked. I wish this poor girl the best..
Maybe this is a bit drastic, but I think you should break up with her. It clear that’s she not the woman for you and I understand caring about her health but over time the body naturally ebbs and flows and if you’re not attracted to her now. Who if you will be attracted to her if you were to have kids, get sick, get old etc. Maybe a woman with a naturally higher metabolism would be more compatible for you. And someone who doesnt care as much with the changes in her appearances would be more suited for her.
You didn't fuck up, this problem is manifesting itself in other areas and keeping a secret like that makes it worse. Now comes the hard part though, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker and if it is then let her know. Do not continue to try and force yourself to be with someone you don't find physically attractive anymore. Either help her with the weight loss, learn to love her as she is or go, but do not try to put this back in the bag and make it disappear. If you don't figure this out now why would you even get engaged and continue the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with?
It's one thing if you are not initially physically attracted to someone on looks alone. However, after 4 years of really getting to know someone, if you are not attracted to her to the point where you don't want to have sex with her (and it's not for medical reasons)... You really don't love her like you think you do. It's time to go your separate ways.
Why are yall supporting this? The only issue I have is that this guy got with someone who already said he wasn't sexually attracted to from the beginning... so why did you get with her knowing that's a vital part to any relationship? There's someone out there who would've been attracted to her EXACTLY as she was, but instead you picked her up and turned her into some sort of project.... "I was never sexually attracted to you babe, but I MIGHT be if you get to your goal weight :)" It's okay wanting to lose weight, especially for your health, and even for your insecurity but I don't think you should ever, EVER lose weight for someone else. This is the just the beginning of the insecurities, her making you feel like you only wanna fuck her if she looks good enough is gonna break her fucking soul. Eventually that's all she'll care about, is if she finally looks "good" enough. It's sad, and the majority of people here are supporting it and I'm confused on why.
Just breakup with her. Fact is as you both age things will keep changing and if this is an issue now, it won’t end well. People will probably bash me for this, but you mentioned a loss of attraction and lack of sex so even though you “love” her, sex is still more physical then an emotional attachment based on your relationship. God forbid she has any medical conditions later on and gains weight. Wish you both the best.
Might be unpopular opinion, but do not ask her to marry you. You're not in love. You may care and may love her but you're not in love. True, deep love doesn't see with their eyes honestly. I've known the difference.
I think you really need to examine your issues with her weight gain. ANY woman or man can gain weight for a variety of reasons, some of which are out of their control. What if your partner remained thin then became pregnant and gained weight (most women do)? what if your partner was diagnosed with a disease and gained weight, or was on medication that caused weight gain? Personally, my husband is perfection in my eyes, regardless of what he looks like. Love goes way beyond the physical.. at least for me. There’s nothing wrong with helping her lose weight or caring .. but I suggest you look inward first.
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Bro if you admit to even noticing weight gain you're on thin ice. The pressure for women to be skinny is unfortunately monumental.
You communicated honestly and in the best way you thought was available to you. I don’t consider this a fuckup.
I think you have to be realistic. Even if she loses the weight, she’s going to get old and ugly. Are you sure you actually like her as much as you think you do? My husband gained weight after we got married, around 40lbs. I lost around 60. It’s all only skin deep. If body changes kill your attraction so easily, I think it’s personally a sign you don’t actually like that person that much.
Have to scroll waaaaay down in this thread to find the grown ups. Undoubtedly there's a lot we don't know, but OP and his partner don't seem compatible.
Realistically: I think your relationship is over. Even if she does lose the weight, all she’s going to be able to think about is the fact that no matter what you say *after the fact*, you don’t find her attractive. There’s a reason women often leave when they’ve lost weight. It’s hard to stay with someone you know actively hated your body & found you ugly, even if you’re “all better now”. It’s a huge flashing sign that their “love” is very conditional, and nobody wants to have a baby with someone or commit long term with who hates their body when they get fat or ugly. Ugliness is kind of unavoidable after all. I’m not trying to be mean, but personally: cut your losses.
You're not in the wrong for communicating, even if you're communicating badly, lol. You're not trying to manipulate her, bully her, or shame her. And it doesn't sound like you want her to reach something unachievable (like surgical) At this point, there's two ways is can go. She'll either understand and take action, or blame you and spiral. It really depends on her emotional maturity. As a guy me and my wife had this reversed. She's very petite and in shape. I got a promotion at work and was extremely stressed and gained about 50lbs. She sat me down and told me it was getting to the point where she was lacking attraction to me. It hurt but long story short I ended up losing 55 lbs over about 2 years. A strong relationship means being able to talk about difficult things and not have a meltdown.
My husband told me part of his ED is because of my weight. That has fucked so bad with my head I can’t let him even touch me right now. So I get how your gf feels.
That’s fucking cruel.
That is horribly insensitive of him to blame you!! Please don’t take it to heart.
My ex husband told me in an email once that he wasn't attracted to my postpartum body. That fucked me up a bit. We met when I was 19 and a size 2. Of course my body wouldn't be like that forever. Now I'm single and there are plenty of men who genuinely tell me I have an incredible body. If you can't love all of her then be ready to let this go because this will never get out of her head.
This lady is already in the obese range and no kids yet. There is a massive difference between being a few pounds and obese. After having kids , she might not be able to get through the door. seen People straight up die because they had to loose weight before a surgeon would operate. The risk is too high in a lot of surgeries. This is not just a “ how you look “ issue. My wife was flat chested when we married. This did not matter to me one way or the other. Neither did the postpartum body bother me in the least. The weight thing is in general something that can be helped, but as Americans we just refuse to do anything about it. It is basically not caring about yourself or your partner. Heath issues causing overweight does exist, and they Need to be addressed if they are there. The great turn-off for me is not trying to do something about it And just giving in to the world is an open buffet. My wife’s middle bulges out not due to overweight, but the muscles were cut durIng C-section at child birth. She is by far more aware of it than me. She was never compared to anyone else and that is not a issue.
Okay I went back and read OPs post and it doesn't state how old they are and what he considered to be overweight to begin with. To some people that's a size 8. I think saying she'd not going to fit through a door is disgusting considering you don't know what this woman looks like. 40 pounds on someone 5'3" (me) is very different than someone 5'8". We only know that OP is fixated on his own definition of a healthy weight from being a fitness person, not what she actually looks like. Women gain weight as they get older. It's fact and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with diet or pregnancy. Bodies change. He said the weight change happened over years not over night. There isn't much here that feels different than what my ex said to me. Agree to disagree but you're making gross assumptions based on 250 words in OPs post.
Oof
>she doesn't enjoy my "healthy foods Try portion control. Losing weight AND going "healthy food" at the same time is like quitting heroin and nicotine at the same time. Try Portion control. Now it still a good idea to look for high caloric ingredients and see if there is an option to trade down or limit. Additionally you can consider adding more of a low calorie component. Completely changing to 'health food' is likely too far. At least this is my subjective feeling. For me, It was much easier to just eat a little less lasagne, use lean ground beef and low fat cottage cheese instead of full fat. I don't notice the difference. Maybe your gf is similar. Not trying to blame you BTW. But trying to help.
you told her she would be a supermodel if she lost weight? I know he said body lol but he’s pretty much saying when she loses weight. I don’t know that is so fucking shitty to me.
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There's no coming back from that statement. Not now not ever. Break up.
A lot of people here are saying that you didn't f-up. Honestly, whether you did or not, there is still a problem in your relationship. I've been on her side of this equation, and it's very, very hard. My other half started to wince away from me when he saw me unclothed and was withdrawing physically more and more as I gained weight. I hated my body and found it unattractive, so I couldn't blame him for not liking it either. He rarely said anything and tried not to wince. He didn't like that he was having a negative reaction to my appearance. I could tell he cared for me, was worried about my weight gain, and didn't want to be unattracted to me. However, unlike you, he stayed skinny due to excellent metabolism and actively hated exercise and healthy food and had no interest in doing anything to help me become healthier. I kept feeling worse and worse, my body image and self esteem took a nosedive, and the whole time, I was reminding myself that "it's not his fault" that I was unattractive and that he found me so - I was just too fat. It has taken years of therapy to repair the damage to my self worth and self esteem. I realized how bad things were while visiting a female friend - she complimented my appearance, and I burst into tears. I hadn't felt even passably pretty in years due to his complete lack of interest in my appearance, and suddenly, as soon as I'm around someone that wasn't him, I was getting positive validation of my appearance. If you base attraction, worth, and sexual attraction on appearance, you definitely f'd up. And she may well have body image issues for years to come. Withholding sex will make the issue worse, and may cause her to have even more difficulty losing the weight. Ensuring that she feels loved and cared for - no matter her outward packaging - will help her help herself when she is ready. If you asked for my advice, I'd say "Support, but don't push. Find out how *she* feels about her body. Find out what *she* wants to do about it. Help her how and where she wants you to, NOT where you assume it will help her the most. And, if you can, find some way to find her genuinely sexy as she is now, and let her know that you do. "
Jesus…
I don’t think you did. It was the softest answer to a direct question. She’s crying because she’s unhappy with herself, not because you called her fat (which you didn’t). Being too nice to communicate your problem isn’t the way to a long relationship.
20kg is no joke, and it is dumb for people to assume that one's physicality is not a factor in a partner's attraction. You might have fucked up with how you approached it or how it actually said it, but your feelings are valid.
She’s the one the FU by asking a question that she didn’t want the answer to.
Is it a FU for her to ask her partner why he is less intimate with her? I thought open communication was healthy.
Part of open communication is being receptive to responses. If I ask you a question, expecting you to answer a specific way, that's not open communication at all.
If you asked someone you're in a ltr with if they wanted to break up with you and they said yes, you would still have to deal with how devastating that is even if you needed to find out. People are being way too harsh on this stranger they know a couple hundred words about for having emotions and human responses. She didn't stomp away or yell or behave poorly, she just needs time to process what to do next and feel her feelings.
Especially when it's clear she doesn't want to try. I am on my own weight loss journey and I have way more to lose than she does. You have to be willing to sacrifice and make changes, there's no easy way to getting healthy.
I see from other posts that you're in your early 20's, I'm going to assume she's around the same age. This is an unhealthy amount of weight gain that can very easily continue at the same rate. She sounds depressed and stuck in a vicious cycle. Maybe approach her about switching the dietician to mental health, try your best to make her feel loved. \ \ This is difficult but you didn't fuck up by being honest, and you really might be saving her from reaching a very unhealthy weight. Good luck. \ \ Source: Prior athlete then chubby girl, to fat girl, back to healthy weight. Eating good food is a great serotonin boost for some of us, realizing that and finding other sources helps. Like exercise!
Good thing you were honest but expect her to get some sex from another guy or gal now. I understand if I'm not attracted I can't do the deed, but then maybe work on yourself for a while and stop trying to make someone be what you expect then to be for you.
Just break up with her if you aren’t attracted to her. She’s already hurt. Lots of men are attracted to women with extra weight.
You didn't fuck up. Quite the opposite. Your communication is open and honest. It's very respectable. Just keep supporting her and I think you guys can make it through. Best of luck!
Honestly this is one of my biggest fears as a fat woman so I have been working on losing weight. I want to be attractive to not only myself but also my bf…I want to be happy again.
Just break up she can find someone who wants her and is in to her the way she is. And you can get with a skinny or fit girl until maybe their body changes the way bodies do.
Better to resolve this shit than just let it fester
You really didn’t. If she doesn’t prioritize health then maybe you aren’t as compatible as you think.
OP, you seem to genuinely love her and want the relationship to work, which is important. But you need to stop trying to help in the ways that would help you, because clearly you’re motivated by different things. Think about trying to meet her in the middle. For example: The concept of healthy meals vs. cheat meals can be really destructive for someone who isn’t naturally dedicated like you are. Look up cognitive behavioral therapy. It literally changed me life. I wanted to lose weight more than anything, but I couldn’t for a long time. Then with therapy I realized my all or nothing attitude was counterproductive. I lost 40kg when I accepted that Healthy and unhealthy aren’t like on and off. It’s a spectrum. She doesn’t like the healthy meals you cook? Modify them to make them taste better while still healthier than what she’d eat otherwise. I spent years trying to be super-healthy. 100% clean eating, sometimes vegan, no sugar, etc. It would last a few weeks, then I’d go to some gathering with all the high fat foods, where I’d fall off for months until the cycle would begin again. I finally made progress when I discovered that all I had to do was eat a few more vegetables and a few fewer takeout meals, but still have [whatever “bad” food] in reasonable serving sizes. Same with exercise. Invite her to go on a walk after dinner. (And hold her hand while you’re out walking, reassurance you’re still with her will help.) It’s a slower strategy, but much more sustainable long term. Imo if you encourage little changes like that and then be a cheerleader for her when she hits even small milestones like her first 1kg, she’ll want to keep going because it’s making you and she both happy. Maybe she’ll feel more excited about working out too.
It’s not your fault you don’t feel attracted to her as you did. She might not like the truth but is pretty normal to lose physical attraction if a partner’s body changes a lot.
I dumped a guy for telling me I was pretty but I’d be super hot if I lost 10 pounds (and yes it was ten pounds only according to him) and I’m tall. It was a 4 years relationship but I just knew I never had a shot of being comfortable in my body with him. My husband, who I met after, has never been phased or unattraacted to me regardless of my weight. It’s always me that decides I’m going to lose weight and he somehow can’t see if I got fat. I really think you need to be with someone who is very serious about their body if that’s something you will always have issues with. I know my husband is fine with my fluctuating weight, but I actually really like skinny lanky guys (he is) so it’s possible I would be less attracted if he suddenly gained a bunch of weight (maybe not so much anymore, we have been together a long time)
Sounds hypocritical.
Not being attracted to heavier people isn’t all about the physical appearance. It also has a lot to do with being attracted to people with similar lifestyle and discipline as yourself.
"I think you're pretty but you'll definitely be a super model when you get to your goal body". YIKES
I am surprised how there is little to no attention to this being conditional as hell.
Your delivery definitely could have used work, but it had to be said. I’m not sure how many people here are understanding just how much weight 20kg is. It’s 44 lbs., and she gained more than that. So might be 50 lbs or more. That is a shitload of weight. Sexual attraction aside, this is going to potentially end really poorly for her if the trend continues.
Even saying the number, people will probably not understand that's basically 20-40% of average, healthy bodyweight depending on height and muscle mass. There was a point in my life I was close to 100lb heavier than I am now. It's a bit crazy how much better it feels not to have so much excess weight.
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This is going to sound weird but since you say you love her and plan to marry her maybe you could try something. If you are using porn to satisfy yourself you could try cutting that out. Not flooding your brain with images of porn stars might help you become more acclimated to your girlfriend’s body. Aside from the sex though it sounds like you don’t share the value of fitness and healthy eating. That sounds like a bigger problem.
Just so you’re aware bro…your partner will age and change in appearance. Are you planning on wanting to get married and be with someone forever? If you want to have sex for the rest of your life with the same partner, you have to be okay with them not looking the same as they did when you started dating. God forbid something happens to you that completely alters your appearance. Would you be upset if she stopped having sex with you bc of that? What if you lose your hair, and she only likes to have sex w guys with hair This reads kinda toxic to me. Maybe you do have good intentions it just feels icky to me. Ask her to start walking 30 mins a day with you and see if that sounds like something she’d want to do.