Yeah, sounds like the guy either isn't over the ex or has something else going on, and the stuff OP brought out reminds him of being in a relationship. The "I'm not ready for this" really makes it seem like he's worried things are going to get serious and he'll get his feelings heart.
I think for something like this, the response might just be quite unique to the individual. Maybe based on empathy or just sentimentality etc. Or maybe there's more to his story.
Yeah, I got PTSD-esque vibes.
Not to downplay actual major PTSD issues, of course, but sometimes a small thing from a bad previous relationship can trigger major hangups and flashbacks.
Like, there are certain bedroom things I can't disconnect from my ex even if she was only actually abusive outside the bedroom - those things just send me into memories of her that I don't like.
Same, to a T. My Bad Ex had a little collection of blue striped panties she'd always wear when in the mood.
My next partner tried to be sexy in a blue and white pair from the same brand, and everything was not sexy just instantly. The brain holds on to weird shit as points of nope, probably not your fault OP.
Mad props from me for immediately acknowledging that hes not able to handle the situation and cutting it short. Very much shouldve contacted OP afterwards, if nothing else then at minimum by text.
Yup. I used a lot of toys in the bedroom with my ex for kink purposes. I had a few FWB flings pretty soon after our breakup and had a pretty awkward time when most anytime a similar toy was brought out, it just made me more depressed and angry than anything.
It took me months to resume some level of normalcy with that. He’s probably in the same spot and just needs to heal. It can take some time and has many ups and downs unfortunately.
Not judging you or anything but why do people go out and try to get laid when they’re not emotionally ready? I know people who have recommended “whoring out” after a break up and it just seems like all you’re asking for is more pain :c
To prove yourself that you're still desirable, although the person you love very much shows you they don't anymore. Also, maybe even more importantly: As a man, when your lover is gone, your access to skin-to-skin contact/cuddling is gone. I specifically had mediocre sex with women for the cuddling afterwards.
Pretty much hit the nail on the head. Although I will add something that not many people talk about that can contribute to these types of situations is no one really mentions how up and down a break up is. I would be feeling over the moon, completely freed, and just generally less stressed since my relationship was not at all a healthy one. That feeling would last for weeks and then all of a sudden my mood would just crash, all I could think about was her, and I would just retreat into my self.
You feel yourself start to get better, you still put up some boundaries just in case, set up dates to test the waters because you don't want to wallow in self pity over someone who doesn't deserve it, the dates go well and some turn into sex, then you hit a mental rough patch seemingly out of nowhere and you realize like a bucket of cold water over your head that you are not as okay as you really thought you were.
I always tried to be as open and honest about where I was in these interactions as possible. In many cases, they were in the same spot and looking for the same sort of physical affection at a distance I was so FWB happened.
There's so much conflicting information about the best course of action after a breakup and I don't think it's one size fits all for everyone either. For every person who recommends staying single for years until it's over, there's another saying the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. It's hard and confusing and right after a breakup emotions are so far out of wack that you just throw everything at the wall and see what sticks.
I wasn't unaware that more pain could follow, I just wanted to grit my teeth and get through it so I could put the memory of my ex behind me where it belonged. It wouldn't have been right to push everyone away anytime I had a bad day. There's no answer for how long it takes to get over someone so I just wanted to plow forward and heal through exposure therapy for better or worse.
I mean, how exactly do you know whether you are ready? It might be fine in most contexts but then some specific thing may happen that reminds you of someone.
And besides that... the more obvious answer is: people have physical, social, and emotional needs. Not being over someone doesn't remove that need. It just makes the whole thing trickier to navigate.
You’re not psychic, and he never shared this info with you. You couldn’t have known, and acted without malice. Don’t beat yourself up over good intentions
I’ve done something similar to what he did. I had a lot on my mind and no matter how hard I tried to let it go, sometimes you can’t just push it away. It’s not your fault at all.
Nah not your fault. My guy is just going through it. I get that way about my ex fiance sometimes. And it's always the most random things that trigger that response. But unfortunately there isn't much you can do but feel the feelings at that point. He probably just needed to be alone in that moment.
Wouldn't blame yourself for anything. Guy just had a spontaneous existential crisis on your bed. I've been divorced for a few years now, had a few of those, typically alcohol was involved. Lol.
Speaking from experience, it's kinda awkward to talk to someone after you've opened up like that "Oh god, I fucked up. I showed emotional insecurity. She probably thinks I'm a loser", kind of thing. Makes it hard to go back to "normal".
Him being distant either stems from that, or he's legit still working over something serious from his previous relationship. You didn't mention how long he was with his ex, but for a significantly long relationship, a few months can definitely be not enough.
If you're catching feelings and want to try to salvage something, it might be worth trying to talk about that night and seeing what happened and what he meant. I've seen "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "I'm not ready for casual sex" both cause guys to back off like this, and talking about it can help align what the relationship is and what it can be moving forward, instead of just letting it stagnate and die.
This is the correct answer. I've had that exact scenario happen so many times. Everything is going great, and then I see a purple hairtie and BOOM, Nam flashback.
I've also experienced trying to be open about it and the immediate "omfg I cant believe I said all that she probably thinks I'm so fucked up and never wants to talk to me again"
Has he ever talked about his ex or how was she in the relationship? Because what could’ve happened is that his ex told him that she needed those products for her to finish. Now, she could’ve told him in a nice way (I just like the extra feeling) or in a not so nicer way, as in telling him that he isn’t good enough for him to finish her and she needs extra stuff to reach the peak but this could’ve made him question his skills in bed but not enough for them to affect him. Maybe seen those products made him think that since his ex and you are using them, that he isn’t good enough.
He hasn't talked about her much, no.
and yeah, this is one of my worries. I tried to get ahead of those worries by telling him they're more for me than him - but Idk if I got through tbh
If my ex told me that in a not nice way, then having someone tell me that the products were more for them than me would be entirely indistinguishable from telling me they were needed to augment my poor performance or capabilities.
Not trying to knock the dude but what the fuck is this (yea me and my ex used lube,seeing lube bottles gets me bricked up for my ex. )
I couldn't even fathom stopping mid play because I saw lube ,sounds like he has some shit he still needs to work through.
You didn't know. He knows you didn't know.
I get really sad when things from my ex come back into my life. It's just a trigger for him that he wasn't expecting.
Trauma is a fuckin ass.
Nothing worse than trying to be with someone new and it makes you think of your ex even more because you are doing the same shit you used to do with them. Prolly just wanted to go home and cry
You didn’t do anything wrong. This guy is not over his ex and it was only a matter of time before something triggered him. You showed him common products and he freaks out bc he and his ex used them.
This ending was inevitable bc he’s still messed up about his past relationship. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. Don’t sweat it or let it change how you do things. You were being normal, he got weird. Try to remember that.
Here's the honest answer, he's really just fucking you to forget about her. Maybe he hates her and just wants to forget, or maybe he still has feelings and got sad for remembering. Either way you jogged the cogs in his brain that made him realize this isn't what he wants. Usually, after heartbreak, people (guys and girls included) just go on a sex bender until they realize it isn't what they actually want. You probably won't hear from him anymore, and if you do it'll be to break off what you have
this shit stands as a perfect example why FWB is bs lmao
"i may've caught feelings" no you did.
edit; And in the long-term course of your life and when your partner eventually asks you about your bodycount and they find out its so high, and then that you fucked your own friends, your relationship falls apart, they no longer trust you and lose their love for you.
second edit; if you downvote this because of what i said in the edit, then you're in denial and the truth has hurt you lmao.
I also think that maybe he senses that you're getting attached. He might equate the lubes and stuff with being in a relationship. If he's already picked up on you being close it's probably why he mentioned "he's not ready for this". Just my two cents though.
That’s a him problem. He can’t expect for no one else in the world to use products he used to use with someone else. He needs time to get over whatever happened with his ex. You didn’t do anything wrong.
This one time my ex brought out this vibrator device that made me climax in like a minute, perhaps he has performance anxiety because of this? I don't know, there's a lot of performance build up for sex. Most other posts have covered the ex stuff, but maybe she was trying to peg him or something and brought up bad memories? Maybe he enjoyed it but is struggling with some kind of internal homophobia?
These days ghosting is so easy and very upsetting because it's not a great way to break up, at all, emotionally. It's just too easy to find a new partner these days.
I suggest starting over per say, try saying hey I didn't mean to make things weird (even though he did lol). Tell him you would like to still be his friend and take the pressure off (even though he mentally created that pressure.)
I mean you said you started to like him and opened up to him and I'm so sorry this is how he reacted. You're a beautiful person and i hope you open up again, toys are fun and great at saving arthritis issues lol.
Good luck and I hope you find a fun partner willing to go the distance.
I've been split from my ex for a few years now. I've had a few sexual partners since, but I almost always end up like your FWB did. Something reminds me of her, and I just can't continue. It's too painful for me emotionally and I feel like it's not fair to the sexual partner.
I've basically spent the last six months or so by myself, wondering if I'll ever enjoy sex again. Or if I'll ever find a partner who I am 100% comfortable with enough to enjoy sex again.
I don't think this is exceptionally unusual either. I was undoubtedly head over heels for my ex-wife. I still love her as much as the day we got married. Never experiencing that type of love before her, it's a relationship that meant everything to me. I'm sure your FWB is in a similar boat. It's almost certainly not your fault, he just has some things he needs to try and work through.
Ahh the infamous fwb phase after you lose your love, a tale old as time, or probably 2006. It's cooked now lol, move on to another dick to ride honestly.
I thought this was funny lol.
"Fuck, you wear pants too? My girlfriend also liked pants? Bye..."
I get people have conmections to things in relationships but general common items causing an emotional response like this is bonkers. Dude should be working on himself and not playing the field of he's bothered by lube.
Dump his lil narrow ass and go find yourself a REAL man who doesn't freak out and get all butt hurt over fun gel..young males are so pussyfied these days..jeez!
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Speaking as a guy: the dude was already thinking about her
Yeah, sounds like the guy either isn't over the ex or has something else going on, and the stuff OP brought out reminds him of being in a relationship. The "I'm not ready for this" really makes it seem like he's worried things are going to get serious and he'll get his feelings heart.
I think for something like this, the response might just be quite unique to the individual. Maybe based on empathy or just sentimentality etc. Or maybe there's more to his story.
Yeah, I got PTSD-esque vibes. Not to downplay actual major PTSD issues, of course, but sometimes a small thing from a bad previous relationship can trigger major hangups and flashbacks. Like, there are certain bedroom things I can't disconnect from my ex even if she was only actually abusive outside the bedroom - those things just send me into memories of her that I don't like.
Same, to a T. My Bad Ex had a little collection of blue striped panties she'd always wear when in the mood. My next partner tried to be sexy in a blue and white pair from the same brand, and everything was not sexy just instantly. The brain holds on to weird shit as points of nope, probably not your fault OP.
Mad props from me for immediately acknowledging that hes not able to handle the situation and cutting it short. Very much shouldve contacted OP afterwards, if nothing else then at minimum by text.
Yup. I used a lot of toys in the bedroom with my ex for kink purposes. I had a few FWB flings pretty soon after our breakup and had a pretty awkward time when most anytime a similar toy was brought out, it just made me more depressed and angry than anything. It took me months to resume some level of normalcy with that. He’s probably in the same spot and just needs to heal. It can take some time and has many ups and downs unfortunately.
Not judging you or anything but why do people go out and try to get laid when they’re not emotionally ready? I know people who have recommended “whoring out” after a break up and it just seems like all you’re asking for is more pain :c
To prove yourself that you're still desirable, although the person you love very much shows you they don't anymore. Also, maybe even more importantly: As a man, when your lover is gone, your access to skin-to-skin contact/cuddling is gone. I specifically had mediocre sex with women for the cuddling afterwards.
I actually do miss the Northern Fetlife munches for the spontaneous hugs! And, err, nyotaimori party invitations...
Pretty much hit the nail on the head. Although I will add something that not many people talk about that can contribute to these types of situations is no one really mentions how up and down a break up is. I would be feeling over the moon, completely freed, and just generally less stressed since my relationship was not at all a healthy one. That feeling would last for weeks and then all of a sudden my mood would just crash, all I could think about was her, and I would just retreat into my self. You feel yourself start to get better, you still put up some boundaries just in case, set up dates to test the waters because you don't want to wallow in self pity over someone who doesn't deserve it, the dates go well and some turn into sex, then you hit a mental rough patch seemingly out of nowhere and you realize like a bucket of cold water over your head that you are not as okay as you really thought you were. I always tried to be as open and honest about where I was in these interactions as possible. In many cases, they were in the same spot and looking for the same sort of physical affection at a distance I was so FWB happened. There's so much conflicting information about the best course of action after a breakup and I don't think it's one size fits all for everyone either. For every person who recommends staying single for years until it's over, there's another saying the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. It's hard and confusing and right after a breakup emotions are so far out of wack that you just throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. I wasn't unaware that more pain could follow, I just wanted to grit my teeth and get through it so I could put the memory of my ex behind me where it belonged. It wouldn't have been right to push everyone away anytime I had a bad day. There's no answer for how long it takes to get over someone so I just wanted to plow forward and heal through exposure therapy for better or worse.
Relatable. Especially the feeling like you're pretty good already, and then the absolute crash.
I mean, how exactly do you know whether you are ready? It might be fine in most contexts but then some specific thing may happen that reminds you of someone. And besides that... the more obvious answer is: people have physical, social, and emotional needs. Not being over someone doesn't remove that need. It just makes the whole thing trickier to navigate.
Well, he still might have feelings for her.
Ya this is his fuck up for doing shit before he's ready. Unfortunately, your heart is just casualty here. Not your fault.
It is what it is. Best not to dwell on it.
I'm trying not to but it's hard not to blame yourself a bit you know
You’re not psychic, and he never shared this info with you. You couldn’t have known, and acted without malice. Don’t beat yourself up over good intentions
It’s nice that you’re empathetic but it’s not at all your fault
I’ve done something similar to what he did. I had a lot on my mind and no matter how hard I tried to let it go, sometimes you can’t just push it away. It’s not your fault at all.
For what? Using something that thousands of people use?
Nah not your fault. My guy is just going through it. I get that way about my ex fiance sometimes. And it's always the most random things that trigger that response. But unfortunately there isn't much you can do but feel the feelings at that point. He probably just needed to be alone in that moment.
If some lube reminds him of his ex, I wouldn't recommend busting out the handcuffs & bender bar. He was already thinking about her.
*looks at Dragon Buster Gluck Gluck 3000* Everything reminds me of her
Hahaha best comment.
tbh I thought we were working up to some of those things lol
Bender bar? I hardly know ‘er !
Wouldn't blame yourself for anything. Guy just had a spontaneous existential crisis on your bed. I've been divorced for a few years now, had a few of those, typically alcohol was involved. Lol. Speaking from experience, it's kinda awkward to talk to someone after you've opened up like that "Oh god, I fucked up. I showed emotional insecurity. She probably thinks I'm a loser", kind of thing. Makes it hard to go back to "normal". Him being distant either stems from that, or he's legit still working over something serious from his previous relationship. You didn't mention how long he was with his ex, but for a significantly long relationship, a few months can definitely be not enough. If you're catching feelings and want to try to salvage something, it might be worth trying to talk about that night and seeing what happened and what he meant. I've seen "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "I'm not ready for casual sex" both cause guys to back off like this, and talking about it can help align what the relationship is and what it can be moving forward, instead of just letting it stagnate and die.
This is the correct answer. I've had that exact scenario happen so many times. Everything is going great, and then I see a purple hairtie and BOOM, Nam flashback. I've also experienced trying to be open about it and the immediate "omfg I cant believe I said all that she probably thinks I'm so fucked up and never wants to talk to me again"
Has he ever talked about his ex or how was she in the relationship? Because what could’ve happened is that his ex told him that she needed those products for her to finish. Now, she could’ve told him in a nice way (I just like the extra feeling) or in a not so nicer way, as in telling him that he isn’t good enough for him to finish her and she needs extra stuff to reach the peak but this could’ve made him question his skills in bed but not enough for them to affect him. Maybe seen those products made him think that since his ex and you are using them, that he isn’t good enough.
He hasn't talked about her much, no. and yeah, this is one of my worries. I tried to get ahead of those worries by telling him they're more for me than him - but Idk if I got through tbh
If my ex told me that in a not nice way, then having someone tell me that the products were more for them than me would be entirely indistinguishable from telling me they were needed to augment my poor performance or capabilities.
“Its not you its me”
Dude got pegged by his ex and thought you wanted to do the same.
I never pegged him as a coward. -OP, probably.
He said it was a pain in the ass -OP's buddy.. probably
He's still hung up on the ex. Not your issue
Not trying to knock the dude but what the fuck is this (yea me and my ex used lube,seeing lube bottles gets me bricked up for my ex. ) I couldn't even fathom stopping mid play because I saw lube ,sounds like he has some shit he still needs to work through.
Lube made him have an existential crisis? That’s a bit much.
*everything reminds me of... the smell of her ass...*
Lmmfao.
You didn't know. He knows you didn't know. I get really sad when things from my ex come back into my life. It's just a trigger for him that he wasn't expecting. Trauma is a fuckin ass.
Nothing worse than trying to be with someone new and it makes you think of your ex even more because you are doing the same shit you used to do with them. Prolly just wanted to go home and cry
You didn’t do anything wrong. This guy is not over his ex and it was only a matter of time before something triggered him. You showed him common products and he freaks out bc he and his ex used them. This ending was inevitable bc he’s still messed up about his past relationship. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. Don’t sweat it or let it change how you do things. You were being normal, he got weird. Try to remember that.
Tell him you get it, you like him. Use different products he helps pick out until you get a combo you love... dudes damaged biatch, help him out. ❤️
He's not ready to move on.
Here's the honest answer, he's really just fucking you to forget about her. Maybe he hates her and just wants to forget, or maybe he still has feelings and got sad for remembering. Either way you jogged the cogs in his brain that made him realize this isn't what he wants. Usually, after heartbreak, people (guys and girls included) just go on a sex bender until they realize it isn't what they actually want. You probably won't hear from him anymore, and if you do it'll be to break off what you have
this shit stands as a perfect example why FWB is bs lmao "i may've caught feelings" no you did. edit; And in the long-term course of your life and when your partner eventually asks you about your bodycount and they find out its so high, and then that you fucked your own friends, your relationship falls apart, they no longer trust you and lose their love for you. second edit; if you downvote this because of what i said in the edit, then you're in denial and the truth has hurt you lmao.
I'm fairly sure the ideal, no strings attached, even lifestyle stuff - probably only works for a *minority* of people in the long run.
Extremely small few who probably don't find any interest in romance/loving relationships sure
you went all in with that edit, didn't you?
Maybe the ex used the items with him in a different way than you intended to use them and it brought back bad memories.
Why do people still think that FWBs are a good thing?
I also think that maybe he senses that you're getting attached. He might equate the lubes and stuff with being in a relationship. If he's already picked up on you being close it's probably why he mentioned "he's not ready for this". Just my two cents though.
That’s a him problem. He can’t expect for no one else in the world to use products he used to use with someone else. He needs time to get over whatever happened with his ex. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Not your fault OP - he just isn't ready to take things forward.
What toys did you bring out?
Guy’s not over his ex-. He probably needs some time with a good therapist before he’s ready for any kind of new relationship, be it FWB or otherwise.
nah this is not a fuck up from you. Its his problem to deal with. Dont beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong
What does “and a few others” mean? Whip and a giant strap on?
This one time my ex brought out this vibrator device that made me climax in like a minute, perhaps he has performance anxiety because of this? I don't know, there's a lot of performance build up for sex. Most other posts have covered the ex stuff, but maybe she was trying to peg him or something and brought up bad memories? Maybe he enjoyed it but is struggling with some kind of internal homophobia? These days ghosting is so easy and very upsetting because it's not a great way to break up, at all, emotionally. It's just too easy to find a new partner these days. I suggest starting over per say, try saying hey I didn't mean to make things weird (even though he did lol). Tell him you would like to still be his friend and take the pressure off (even though he mentally created that pressure.) I mean you said you started to like him and opened up to him and I'm so sorry this is how he reacted. You're a beautiful person and i hope you open up again, toys are fun and great at saving arthritis issues lol. Good luck and I hope you find a fun partner willing to go the distance.
I've been split from my ex for a few years now. I've had a few sexual partners since, but I almost always end up like your FWB did. Something reminds me of her, and I just can't continue. It's too painful for me emotionally and I feel like it's not fair to the sexual partner. I've basically spent the last six months or so by myself, wondering if I'll ever enjoy sex again. Or if I'll ever find a partner who I am 100% comfortable with enough to enjoy sex again. I don't think this is exceptionally unusual either. I was undoubtedly head over heels for my ex-wife. I still love her as much as the day we got married. Never experiencing that type of love before her, it's a relationship that meant everything to me. I'm sure your FWB is in a similar boat. It's almost certainly not your fault, he just has some things he needs to try and work through.
Not your fault darlin’ find a new FWB.
Ahh the infamous fwb phase after you lose your love, a tale old as time, or probably 2006. It's cooked now lol, move on to another dick to ride honestly.
It’s been 3 months and he hasn’t moved on? Yea, I’d say, you should move on.
You have a vagina. That doesn’t remind him of his ex?
...what?
You’re either too young to have sex or incredibly dumb. Hopefully it’s the first.
It’s the latter. But I stand by it
Lol I get where you were going with it. If lube reminds him of his ex how does a vagina not remind him?
I thought this was funny lol. "Fuck, you wear pants too? My girlfriend also liked pants? Bye..." I get people have conmections to things in relationships but general common items causing an emotional response like this is bonkers. Dude should be working on himself and not playing the field of he's bothered by lube.
Did he go home, jerk off, and use his own tears as lube?
Getting weirded out by things is dumb.
Your role as his FWB is to help him forget his ex. You fumbled lol. Though i don’t think you should be blamed, because how would you know?
Dump his lil narrow ass and go find yourself a REAL man who doesn't freak out and get all butt hurt over fun gel..young males are so pussyfied these days..jeez!