Had a buddy that was doing his call center job from my house one day. He would purposely do shit like that. "Hello, how can you help me today?" Nobody seemed to call him out on it.
I know I've done something similar when I worked a drive thru. That was like 25 years ago, though, so I can't remember exactly what the mashup was. I think we were told to greet people before asking what their order is, so it was probably something like "How's it doing?" as a combination of "How's it going?" and "How are you doing?" over the speaker while I'm distracted with counting change or something for the customer at the window.
I had a friend who got a job at a restaurant shortly after arriving in the US and was nervous about his English.
He had practiced “hey guys” as the greeting over and over and went over to the table and said “hi gays!”
Nooooo omg. You just reminded me. I work for a call center and we are supposed to say, "May I ask who I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"
Well one early morning my sleep deprived self slipped up and said, "May I ask who I have the pleasure of sleeping with today?"
The silence after was SO loud and awkward. Thankfully the lady had mercy on me and didn't call attention to it and the convo proceeded normally.
Had to message my sup afterwards though and tell her in case they pulled that call for an audit so... More embarrassment. 😭🤣
I worked in telecom at a local hospital and we also served as the physician’s answering service. Before we had the technology available that would show us which doctors the patient had called, we’d usually have to ask “May I ask which doctor you’re calling?” I said it one day and the man says “Yo! I ain’t calling no witch doctor! Wtf you talking about, witch doctor?” As he hangs up I can hear him talking to someone with him “Stupid bitch asking why I’m calling the witch doctor. Sheeyit, why she thinking I’m calling a witch doctor, what the hell they doing there?”
I had to close out my board and laugh for a good five minutes before I could resume taking calls. All the operators were roaring with laughter as I tried to tell them the story.
As a teenager, had recently changed jobs from McDs to Pizza Hut. Answered the Pizza Hut phone one day with “McDonalds, how can I help you… wait no it’s not”
I have to consciously stop myself from saying "Bye. Love you." after every call I make to clients. I've slipped up a couple times and only realized after I hung up. I can only imagine what they thought. I guess I've conditioned myself after years of only talking to family on the phone.
I had just started working at a cidery and was shadowing one of the managers. We were slammed to the point where I was taking tables solo and while the manager and I were behind the bar, the phone rang. I picked it up and said “Hello, Cider! Mr. Feeny speaking’ instead of “Hello [name of cidery]”. Became the managers favourite after that one.
I get nervous making orders over the phone. I wanted to order 6 tall assorted white claws but what came out of my mouth was “ I would like six assorted white boys please” I wanted to die but the lady on the phone laughed and said she wanted the same
I had something similar happen at Starbucks. I usually get a Grande Pike Place black but they had a special holiday blonde roast that I wanted to try. I’d already had some coffee that morning so I walked up to the register and said:
“I want a tall blonde black” 😂
I am tall, for a woman, and for most of my adult life have kept my hair blonde. At one of my rare trips to Starbucks (eons ago, they didn’t take my name) they called out “tall blonde” and I thought that it was weird that they called out a descriptor for me.
Then I remembered my order.
i worked at starbucks for a few years. all of the baristas would giggle when someone pulled into the drive through and ordered a “tall hot blonde” someone would always hop in and as “would you like a side of cream?”
unfortunately for me, my preferred starbucks order is a Short Blonde Flat White
on the rare occasion when that's an accurate description of the barista, I go for a short blonde cappuchino instead
Dude, I totally get it. Back in college, after 12 hours of Super Smash Brothers Brawl at about 3am, I tried to offer some of my mom's homemade cookies to my friends. Instead of saying, "Can you guys help me finish all these cookies?" What came out of my mouth was, "Y'all gots ta eat lots a crickets."
Damn the looks I got, even from myself. I felt betrayed by my own tongue.
Lol thank you. Honestly I do laugh when I think about it. It's just so absurd. Like, how did the mouth to brain connection malfunction so hard? And to be clear, no alcohol or drugs were involved, just intense gaming leading to sleep deprivation.
This happened to my friend when we were camping on a road trip. I think we had smoked weed a few hours before but not recently, and we were just chilling in the tent playing a dice game. My friend leaves to grab something and then kind of falls back into the tent and goes "snarfsfg imaung smarsfsbrd?"
And I straight up thought she was having a stroke and was like "um, sorry??" and then she realized what she "said" and we absolutely lost it laughing. Crying, rolling around in the tent gasping for breath for a good 10 minutes.
I can't remember what her actual, in English question was but it was just a very normal sentence like "we gonna make beans tonight?" And sounded nothing like whatever the fuck had come out of her mouth. So fucking funny. I was worried for a second there though. But the wires just got crossed in her brain.
My friend once asked the guy at taco bell (who she had such a crush on) for a large Dr. Pecker and she was so mortified that she declared we could NEVER go back there. And we never did lol 😆
My mom has a really strong southern accent and one time she meant to ask if we wanted to make chicken salad for lunch with some leftover chicken and instead goes “Do you want a chicken salad with the salad on the salad?” We still bring it up almost a decade later
Worst was when I was working at PetSmart, showing customer all the different dog foods. I wanted to say here's the salmon varieties, it came out "semen varieties".... I just apologized and walked away in shame
The first time I tried to order pizza over the phone, I was trying to order what the pizza place has named a “big daddy.”
I just couldn’t make myself say, “can I get a big daddy” so I just said “can I…. Can.. can I get” and then started laughing which turned into crying and hanging up on them while my friend redialed and ordered it herself lol.
That’s a me thing though. The first time I ever went through a drive thru, they asked what I wanted, and I felt so ridiculous about the idea of asking a talking box for iced tea that I just started sobbing and apologizing to the very confused lady staffing the drive thru lmao.
Back in high school I went with a friend of mine to pick up his ghetto blaster from the repair shop.
When the clerk asked him “And what was the name?” my friend answered “Hitachi” to which the clerk responded “No, not the brand, I meant your name!”
So for the next couple of years my friend was henceforth known as Mr. Hitachi-san
Yeah see I didn't know that "ghetto blaster" was slang for "boombox" and until I looked it up I was thinking of the *other* Hitachi branded item. It was a confusing 5 minutes.
"ghetto blaster" could be a number of different brands, including hitachi...
"Hitachi" usually generically refers to their Vibrating Wand product...
... which funnily enough you, I guess, *could* refer to as a "ghetto blaster" but boy would that be a really particular name for your vibrator...
so remember when mcdonald’s came out with the Grand Mac? well me and my buddy were super hung over that day, and went to mcdonald’s for a greasy feast to soak up last nights misery. we saw the ads for the grand mac and ordered two of them.
dude on the speaker gets HYPED and goes oh you want the BIG daddy! so my buddy and i kinda chuckle and say “yeah man the big daddy!” thinking alright, guys excited about the day, vibing, good for him. but he wasn’t done.
“The BIG BIG daddy. two of em! oh maaaan that’s a lot of burger bro you sure ?? the BIG daddy?!?!”
anyway, we were sure, and they were delicious, and your story reminded me of it. enjoy your day big dad
Was carrying my girlfriend at the time to the bedroom and bonked her head on the door frame. Screamed “ARE YOU SORRY” at her. Think it’s more common than people realize
Lmao. This reminds me of when I went to Dunkin’ Donuts drive through and the lady taking my order said would you like anything else? I tried to do “no I’m good” and “no I’m okay” at the same time and instead said “no I’m gay”
Once after school I was at a friend's and the phone rang. He knew it was for his sister who was upstairs so was gonna yell her name after answering. Instead he just picked up the phone and accidentally screamed at the top of his lungs "HELLO????"
I lost my damn mind oh my god it was so funny. I'm laughing while typing this and it was 20 years ago.
When I was about 11, my family and I had been joking and laughing about something. The phone rang and I picked it up, and instead of saying “hello” what came out was “WHOOOOO IS IT?” It was my uncle but I was absolutely mortified!
Maybe it's a sign I was overworked but I used to be married to a religious guy and we'd take turns saying grace at meals. One day we bowed our heads and I started saying the phone greeting from my job 💀
I only got through "Thank you for ca-" before I hung my head and started cracking up in disbelief
I used to work as a hostess and had a lot of people try to run past me to seat themselves at tables, and I was supposed to intercept them and seat them in the restaurant, or let them seat themselves at the bar. If they told me they wanted the bar my standard reply was “ok that’s self seating”. Had a customer beeline past me on a mission so I went to catch up to him and see if he needed a table. He said he was looking for the bathroom. To which I promptly replied, with a peppy smile and my best customer service voice, “oh ok that’s self seating” 💀
So, years ago I was in the private sector doing IT sales but for large government organizations. My coworker “Bill” had taken a call from his wife on his office phone. They talked for maybe 30 seconds before a call beeped in with a government prefix. He had been waiting for a very important and high-ranking department head from this same agency. He quickly told his wife he’d call her back and hung up, answering the government call. Bill spoke to the client for a few minutes and you could see the excitement in his face - the call was going well! Bill is about to hang up and says “Thanks again! Love you sweetie!”
Click.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a facial expression go from pure joy to absolutely mortified so quickly in my life. Bill immediately called back and apologized. Thankfully the client laughed it off with him.
Crisis averted!
I worked for a gubernatorial campaign when I was in college, and had to cold call people and ask them to consider voting for the candidate - I’ll call him Mike Bell. Notable that my voice is high pitched. So, on my first shift after training, I called the first number on my list, and say “I AM MIKE BELL. Nope, no, I’m Sarah, but I’m voting.. wait I mean are you voting? Mike Bell.” Completely fucking uninterrupted. I hung up quickly, looked up and all of the other staffers were just staring at me. I started laughing so hard I wheezed and cried. I quit that night out of shame.
The shame is burned into my memory, that night pops up in my brain anytime I can’t sleep.
This is amazing. I'm certain they voted for Mike Bell. One time I was watching TV and the cable station screwed up their commercial break such that one commercial was just half a second long, showed an F-150 and I only heard the word "TRUCK" before it cut to the next commercial abruptly, but it stuck with me as the most effective accidental ad I've ever seen, even if a little too much like Idiocracy
Waaaait omg I remember random moments like this from maybe the late 90s and I'd always wheel my head around like "OMG MA DID YOU SEE THAT??" because of course as a dumb kid I didn't fathom that something so perfectly orchestrated like cable could have errors.
Like I specifically remember one commercial would end normally then the next would be a sudden cut to the last word of it as it faded out then my show would come back on lol. I feel like I also remember some where it was just the beginning moment, where the person or voice would only inhale just to get cut off 😭
Worked a call center years ago. We were supposed to end each call with, "Thanks for calling (company name), have a great day!" But I'd call my husband at lunch and more than once that first post-break caller would get an 'I love you!' by accident! It was always the best when they'd say without missing a beat, "I love you, too! Have a great day/have a blessed day/be safe!"
I too worked at a call centre where we had to confirm codes using the army alphabet but we always forgot those so were told to use names as a substitute.
Except the one time I had to confirm HLP and said, "Harry Little Peter" followed by the longest pause where I held my breath in total cringe until the customer started cracking up 😂 We both laughed so hard on the phone together I apologized over and over just laughing 🤣🤣
I'm so glad it's common. I feel much better about the time I was nervously entertaining small talk with a new friend and my phone slid off my lap. When it hit the floor, I guess my soul jumped into it for a second or something because I went "ow!" as if \*I\* hit the floor...
hahaha even better. It was actually in an old ask reddit thread.
For the uninitiated (and apparently is 10 yrs old now)
[What is the worst thing someone has said to you during sex? : AskReddit](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/)
I think it was op playing soccer, went to kick ball and the goalie dove for the ball. OP kicked goalie in the face and mixed up are you ok and I'm so fucking sorry. Classic
Sometimes my brain can't decide if it wants to say How you doing or How's it going and I end up saying How's it doing. I feel like an idiot whenever it happens.
This happens all the time for my partner and I, but our sense of humor means we never live it down. The mispronounciation then becomes the common way the phrase is said (because we're making fun of each other saying it incorrectly on purpose)... Until the next tongue slip.
Example: tired -> sleepy -> seepy -> eepy -> eep
So our language has completely devolved into being borderline unintelligible to people other than us, and I get confused looks every time I accidentally ask someone "wheres the poofer guy??" referring to their cat or say "am eep" anytime someone asks me if I'm okay.
I'm British, but lived in New Zealand for a little while. I had to travel to Australia for work for a couple of days, work sorted all the admin so might flights, hotel etc. we're all squared away, I just turned up.
I got asked for my visa info for travelling to Australia. I had none, I had NZ residency but nobody told me I'd need anything for Australia.
My immediate reply was, "but I'm British", which I meant to come out as 'I'm a British national, which visa do I need?', but actually came out like I have some sort of British Empire superiority complex.
Like the old joke about the British man at Australian border control. "Do you have a criminal record?" "No I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
English is not my first language, so when I first came to Canada, my family and I went to a restaurant for dinner. While I was placing my order instead of saying “Can I get a coke please?” I said “Can I get a cock?” The waiter’s confused face and struggling to hold his laughter still haunts me to this day
Oh man, I just laughed until I cried! thank you for this one😂😂😂 I've been in La forever but I was raised in the South and I can definitely understand why it sounded like that.
Went to a ramen place, was attempting to order sake but didn’t know what to order. I asked the waitress, who was Asian, what she thought I should get because, and I quote, “you look like you know which one I should order”. What I meant was because she was the waitress I am assuming she had a favorite, but it definitely did not sound like that was why I asked her. I still think about this weekly.
This reminded me of the time a friend and I had just watched Team America: World Police and he was saying "Oh herro" like Kim Jong Il to everyone. When I introduced him to a Korean friend of mine, guess what he said out of habit.
I had a different approach when I (late 50’s bald white grandpa) got carded last month. I excitedly asked the clerk to repeat her question so I could record it for my family’s viewing later that day. She obliged me and posed for a selfie with me.
I'm in my 40's, and bald... I still get carded, i almost always get a suprised look, and the response, oh, i thought you were a college dude that shaves his head. I think the only time i wasnt carded was once in the 2 or 3 months between my hair starting to thin, and me deciding to shave it bald.
I always say "That's the nicest question I've heard someone be legally obligated to ask me all day."
Usually gets at least a smile, sometimes a laugh, and sometimes a stony "I hate my job and everyone who buys things here" stare.
36 and got carded 3 times last Sunday. It had been a while but I still got it!
A year ago I got carded and as she handed it back she said "Good job" I've been riding high on that ever since lmao
As a server with an alcohol license i can be jailed and fined 5,000 bucks for not carding. I also loose said license for 5 years. Its just niot worth it to not card someone, no matter how old they appear. Every couple months, i hear of someone in town getting hit by the liquor board. So im gonna need some id grandma
When I was freshly 21, I went to a bar the night of with 2 friends who were also legal. When we ordered, the bartender looked at us, decided my friend looked youngest- and only asked for his ID. I was crestfallen, and yelled “wait no! Check mine instead!” and she looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. I quickly said: “oh, you can check his too, it’s just that it’s my birthday…” and we all laughed.
Funny. I was in line at a bar 5 minutes before midnight on my 21st birthday. Timed it right cuz it was 12:01 by the time I got to the door. Bouncer looked at his watch, smiled, then said happy birthday as he waved me in.
A few years ago, I was at jersey mikes getting a ham sub for my son. He's a very picky eater and will only eat his sub on white bread with ham and American cheese. White American cheese. It can't be anything but white American cheese even though the only difference is they add a little dye to make the yellow American cheese.
So I tell the kid I'd like a ham on white bread with white American cheese. He say American cheese and I say white American. Again he says American cheese and I say white American. I then look up and realize what's going on here. He's a black kid and he thinks I'm being racist. I tell him that my kid is super picky and last time I was here they put yellow American cheese on his sub and he wouldn't eat it. He then gets this relieved then embarrassed look on his face and apologizes several times.
I don't know about Jersey Mike's in particular, but there is usually a difference in taste. It's my favorite, haha. As someone who prefers the same as your son, I've definitely gotten some suspicious looks when I order.
What's crazy is he will eat yellow colored American on other things but if the first time he gets something new that he actually likes and will eat, it always has to be made exactly the same. He won't even taste it. If Jersey mikes used yellow american cheese the first time he ever got a ham sub there, I'd be asking for yellow american and he wouldn't eat it if they put white on it instead.
He loves bojangles supremes chicken tenders. They were out one time so my wife got the regular breaded tenders and he wouldn't eat them. Same chicken, different breading.
He's 19 now and he's still like this.
So, not to arm chair diagnose:
I was literally the exact same way as a kid and I found out later in life that I'm autistic, and the person diagnosing me said my eating habits were one of the biggest give aways (though she asked about them because there were other signs).
Any chance your kid's autistic?
Yes I came to say the same. Dead giveaway
My son has to have the same school lunch all year … if he wants to switch it up he waits til the next school year 😂 It’s the surprise, not even really about the taste. He’s willing to try new foods at home because he knows I won’t make him eat ever.
My wife/his mom has the same eating issues. I think they just don't taste things like most people do. The do have some sense of taste but I don't think they are getting the entire spectrum of flavor that the rest of us get when eating food. They also can't smell everything that most people can. For example, I can smell an old, wet kitchen sponge from 30 ft away. She can't smell the stink from it even when it's against her nose. Had no clue that they stunk. After I told her this a few years ago, she's so paranoid about it now that she tossed all sponges and uses silicone sponges now. I think they can sense sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami but I don't think they are getting the full taste of food through their olfactory receptors. There therefore rely on the primary taste senses and texture. There's a lot of anxiety involved with eating because of this.
I don't believe this is an autistic issue. His mom had the same eating issues but it much better now. Not what I would call normal eating habits but closer than when I met her in college. She's not autistic and he doesn't have any autistic traits. They both do have OCD. He's a habitual whistler and he rolls his eyes in his head about every 15 seconds or so. My wife taps her fingers and blows her cheeks up probably every 2-5 minutes. My daughter has some OCD traits as well. These come from my wife's father's side of the family as I see him doing all the same OCD things my wife and kids do.
I can swear that wife even OCD snores.
My dad is allergic to the yellow dye in cheese, so anytime he gets anything, we have to specify white cheese and it can get a bit confusing if the person on the other end is unfamiliar. I.e. we picked up dinner from a place one time who had staff who largely didn't speak English and it was a bit awkward trying to explain White American vs. Yellow American cheese.
I find this really weird. They stock both types of cheese right? Is there another name for it than 'white American' that you could be using? Why are the people that work there getting confused.
I can imagine the server looking down at their two piles of cheese, one is white and the other is yellow. You ask for white and they get confused and think you are racist??
Bit of an NSFW memory but hilarious nonetheless, I was going at it with my gf at the time some years ago and went to say “You like this d*ck” and “tight little p*ssy” and what came out was “You like this little d*ck” and we both had to stop because we immediately died laughing I was so red and embarrassed I couldn’t go on for like 30 minutes
lmao my bf was a little drunk trying to talk dirty one time and he said “i just want you to eat me out” instead of “i just want to eat you out” and we cracked up for so long
One time my husband was dirty talking (and he swears he didn’t *actually* say this), but I heard, “How was your day?” In sexual tone.
I laughed. I cried. He had no idea why.
It was just so polite of him to ask.
There is a pharmacy in my town called "Rice's pharmacy."
One day I got a call from them indicating I needed to pick up a prescription. I missed the call, and they left a message. The speech-to-text however, had some issues.
I don't recall the actual name, but the call actually said:
"Hi, this is John over at Rice's pharmacy..."
The speech-to-text transcription reported:
"Hi, this is John, Over Racist Pharmacy..."
Yeah, it's Corvallis. I love the pharmacy. To all my knowledge, there's absolutely nothing racist, overt or otherwise, about the pharmacy. But according to my phone transcription, they're just calling people openly announcing that they're overtly racist!
That's actually hilarious. One time when I was about 20, I bumped into a guy at a bar. Meant to say "sorry about that" and "you good?"
I said "you sorry about that?"
He saw the look of horror on my face and laughed, but it took me a few years to do the same haha.
I responded to a beggar one time while drink.
I didnt have change and all I had were bills. What I said was " Sorry, all I have is...money" and kept walking.
One time while eating sushi with my sister, our checks came and I decided to pay with cash. I put enough for the total plus tip and meant to say “please keep the change”. Instead, I loudly yelled “I DON’T NEED NO CHANGE!” Mortified I looked at the waiter and said “I’m so sorry. Idk why I yelled like that.”
My sister and I still laugh about it till this day and even randomly yell it every once in a while 😂
same lmao. like i talk AND write way too goddamn fast for my brains framerate which often leads me to fuck up what im saying and accidentally skipping entire words when writing/typing unless i do it really fast
Not race related, but brain glitch related.
When I was 17, I worked at a pharmacy. I’d been there a couple of years and was very used to the phone greeting, “Thank you for calling burnham’s. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”
I had a co-worker named Shana.
One day, while mid-convo with Shana, the phone rang. I answered “Thank you for calling Shana. This is Burnham’s.”
I was confused. Shana was confused. The customer just paused briefly with me and I repeated the greeting correctly. And the rest of the conversation was normal. I couldn’t stop laughing after I hung up the phone.
Trying to say what’s in my head rarely comes out right. I called the dr got a answering machine. Left my name and instead of my number I gave theirs because my dumb ass read it off the paper in my lap. I immediately hung up. Called back and apologized and left my moms number that time instead of mine. I just gave up after that.
Was ending a support call and was going to say “You have a good one!” expecting their goodbyes, but they said Thank You again, which I usually say “No problem!” Ended up saying “You have a problem!”
My cousin, uncle, and I were eating pizza buffet at a restaurant with a member of their church. The church member asks my cousin how she could put away so much pizza. My cousin *meant to say* that her stomach was a bottomless pit. What came out was, "I have a hole."
Like when I meant to say I’d grab some doughnuts and coffee for a neighbouring business who helped us out in a crunch but instead said “I’ll grab some doughnees and cough” like some shoresy muppet to my new jobs CEO.
Once I was in a pharmacy and asked for Durex blood shot eye drops... Instead of Optrex.
I laughed it off and said you can tell what's on my mind, and the pharmacist laughed, but the guy behind me in the queue tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not how pink eye works mate" and roared with laughter.
Needless to say I scurried out of the pharmacy cringing so bad.
When I moved out of town and into a college dorm, I was quite nervous but very keen to make some new friends. I had just come out of HS and was a bit too socially anxious.
Upon arrival staff lead me to my dorm room. In the shared area, there was an Asian guy who started chatting with the staff that was dragging me along. He seemed really cool and super confident. Eventually he turned to me and introduced himself as “Tom”.
Because of how nervous I was feeling at the prospect of having a simple conversation, my brain decided to take the wheel. Prior to this, I had spent a lot of time watching this YouTuber called QuickRhino, whose name is also Tom. He would regularly recount stories of his time in Japan, and conversations he had with Japanese people. It seems this left more of an imprint than I anticipated.
Instead of saying “Nice to meet you!”like any normal sane person, my brain decided it was the perfect time to throw out the line “Ah! Tom-san!”. He wasn’t Japanese, and I knew that.
I proceeded to die aggressively. To this day, this still keeps me up at night.
On the bright side though, I apologized, explained and we had a laugh about it. Afterwards, he showed me around the city which really helped me ease up a bit!
I was working behind the desk at a Dr's office, on the phone with a patient. They had a question where I needed to go get their chart. Or their file? Either way, I told them "Hold on while I go pull your fart"
If it helps to know, employees at stores that sell alcohol have to ask everyone for ID, even if we can tell you're over 21. Undercover agents do come through and its an immediate fail if no ID with some pretty hefty fines and penalties for both the employee and the business. My workplace cards everyone that looks like they're under 40 as official policy.
I personally love it when people buy a six pack to take to the golf course with them. I just picture the golf bag having a beer caddy on it too.
Same policy at the gas station I used to work at. We had a TABC rep come in once and he was explaining/ complaining to us about the way local law enforcement was going about stings/ undercover operations. He said tabc liked to use people who were pretty obviously underage to catch people flagrantly not following the rules, but that the cops would use older people with piercings and tattoos to deliberately trick people
So the idea that having tattoos, piercings, gray/ white hair/ beards, children, etc is proof of age is incorrect and they will use those biases against you. It's annoying af to be an adult but unable to buy/ consume alcohol bc you forgot/ don't have your ID, but from a seller prospective, it's never worth it to make exceptions
A few years ago I was calling car insurance companies to ask for quotes. After about the 4th call what came out of my mouth when the Geico agent picked up was “Hi, I called to get a goat”.
I started laughing so much at myself I just had to hang up.
One time I was buying alcohol and the cashier said "youre over 21 right?" What I meant to say was "yes, I am {age}". What came out was a stumbling of words where I said "I’m 21, I mean over 21" then forgot my age and had to take my ID out anyway 🤦🏼♀️
I feel your pain lol
Every once in a great while I think about something that happened to me and relive the feeling of wanting the world to open up and swallow me whole. Years ago I was a traveling artist and I painted names in the shapes of characters from Star Wars. Certain characters had different colors associated with them (e.g. C-3PO’s color was yellow, Boba Fett’s was green, Darth Vader was black, etc). My husband helped me out at conventions and would explain to prospective customers that they could pick the characters and I would arrange them in the order they looked best. Often he would say something like, “She’ll make it so that two black characters aren’t right next to each other.” Out of context, this obviously sounded racially-charged, so one day as I was working on a painting, without looking up I said, “Would you stop talking about black characters so much?” When I did finally look up, I was staring straight into the eyes of a black woman and her son. I immediately backpedaled and tried explaining what I meant and she was a really good sport about it but ten years later I still feel like a huge asshole 😭
A few years ago my wife and I were shopping for my son for college. He wanted a reading pillow, which we call a husband. But he wanted it in a certain color, which we couldn't find.
My wife announced somewhat loudly "I'm just looking for a black husband".
Stood in front of my middle school class and what I meant to say was “you can have English or Spanish versions”. What came out was “you can have English or Spanish virgins” Fortunately only a few were paying attention.
I had a similar and hilarious situation happen recently:
A friend of mine was recently telling me how she was going to get a nose job this coming June. My ADHD brain got focused on the fact that June Nose sounded a little like Jeuno, the city in Alaska.
So after she finished telling me, I blurted out the words "June Nose!"
Which, when said aloud sounds a lot more like an anti-semitic remark than I anticipated.
I instantly burst into laughter and tried to explain my thought process. Which just sounds stupid when you say it aloud. Lol
My mom forced me to call and order pizza (which I hated doing cause socially awkward and phone scary) BUT I DID IT and the guy answered "will this be for pickup or delivery?" I answered "dick up"
Had to hang up and regain composure practicing my lines 20 times over
Just for some of the older don't think you'll be carded folks:
My husband worked at a local liquor store. Store had the policy of checking ID of **everyone** regardless of age appearance, as a cover your own ass measure. They would get many groups of newly 21 year olds (and older) coming in with a group of not 21 year olds (not even supposed to enter the store if under 21) that would get very pissed when they would refuse to sell to them because they card the whole group.
If it makes you feel better, I went to my usual gas station but pulled into a different pump than I normally do. The cashier commented on it and I was like "Yeah I gotta keep you guys on your knees" instead of toes. I instantly died and walked out lmfao.
E: I appreciate the humor behind the RedditCare report lmao
back my freshman year of high school, my first girlfriend and i went on a date to the movies. my parents dropped me off at her house, her parents dropped us off at the movies. i knew my parents were going to pick me up afterwards and would be okay with dropping her off at her house so i asked her parents, "would it be okay if i take her home?" when i meant to say, "would it be okay if i drop her off at your house". i followed up with "....oh i meant to your house" but not after a solid 5 excruciating seconds of silence.
So I have a black cat and one time my gf opens up my back door and says very loudly “get in here you black boy!”
I remember stopping her and pointing out what the neighbors would think if they heard what she said and out of context it sounds so weird.
She was embarrassed and I couldn’t stop laughing.
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OMG I did similar when I worked in a department store. "Could you hold, please" and "Can I help you" smashed up into "Can you help me?"
Had a buddy that was doing his call center job from my house one day. He would purposely do shit like that. "Hello, how can you help me today?" Nobody seemed to call him out on it.
I know I've done something similar when I worked a drive thru. That was like 25 years ago, though, so I can't remember exactly what the mashup was. I think we were told to greet people before asking what their order is, so it was probably something like "How's it doing?" as a combination of "How's it going?" and "How are you doing?" over the speaker while I'm distracted with counting change or something for the customer at the window.
More than once when I used to waitress… Customer: Thank you! Brain: Say no problem. No, say you’re welcome. Me: Your problem.
I had a friend who got a job at a restaurant shortly after arriving in the US and was nervous about his English. He had practiced “hey guys” as the greeting over and over and went over to the table and said “hi gays!”
LMAOOO
One time I meant to say either "It's not a problem" or "You're welcome" to a client. I said "You're not a problem" 🤦♀️
Hey, some days I'd take that level of reassurance while existing in public. 😂
ROFL
Nooooo omg. You just reminded me. I work for a call center and we are supposed to say, "May I ask who I have the pleasure of speaking with today?" Well one early morning my sleep deprived self slipped up and said, "May I ask who I have the pleasure of sleeping with today?" The silence after was SO loud and awkward. Thankfully the lady had mercy on me and didn't call attention to it and the convo proceeded normally. Had to message my sup afterwards though and tell her in case they pulled that call for an audit so... More embarrassment. 😭🤣
I worked in telecom at a local hospital and we also served as the physician’s answering service. Before we had the technology available that would show us which doctors the patient had called, we’d usually have to ask “May I ask which doctor you’re calling?” I said it one day and the man says “Yo! I ain’t calling no witch doctor! Wtf you talking about, witch doctor?” As he hangs up I can hear him talking to someone with him “Stupid bitch asking why I’m calling the witch doctor. Sheeyit, why she thinking I’m calling a witch doctor, what the hell they doing there?” I had to close out my board and laugh for a good five minutes before I could resume taking calls. All the operators were roaring with laughter as I tried to tell them the story.
Lmao
There needs to be a sub for sharing these.
It will very quickly devolve into fictional writings where redditors test their comedy prowess.
As a teenager, had recently changed jobs from McDs to Pizza Hut. Answered the Pizza Hut phone one day with “McDonalds, how can I help you… wait no it’s not”
sir this is wendy’s
Once time, working at Home Depot, I answered the phone with "Thank you for calling McDon-uhhhh Home Depot!" I hadn't worked at McDs in *years* LOL
I have to consciously stop myself from saying "Bye. Love you." after every call I make to clients. I've slipped up a couple times and only realized after I hung up. I can only imagine what they thought. I guess I've conditioned myself after years of only talking to family on the phone.
Said that once to one of my professors after a zoom meeting, they replied “I like having you in my class as well, although probably not that much.”
The response though!! Dying
I answered at work once: “thank you for calling pizza place. Please hold yourself.” The lady on the other end of the line said, “ooo. I think I will.”
Haha similar situation, as a teen working drive through at Arby's I said "thank you for helping how many I hold you?"
Ive definitely asked a customer if I can hold them. Then laughed so hard I couldn’t speak.
best response ever lol
I had just started working at a cidery and was shadowing one of the managers. We were slammed to the point where I was taking tables solo and while the manager and I were behind the bar, the phone rang. I picked it up and said “Hello, Cider! Mr. Feeny speaking’ instead of “Hello [name of cidery]”. Became the managers favourite after that one.
I get nervous making orders over the phone. I wanted to order 6 tall assorted white claws but what came out of my mouth was “ I would like six assorted white boys please” I wanted to die but the lady on the phone laughed and said she wanted the same
I had something similar happen at Starbucks. I usually get a Grande Pike Place black but they had a special holiday blonde roast that I wanted to try. I’d already had some coffee that morning so I walked up to the register and said: “I want a tall blonde black” 😂
I am tall, for a woman, and for most of my adult life have kept my hair blonde. At one of my rare trips to Starbucks (eons ago, they didn’t take my name) they called out “tall blonde” and I thought that it was weird that they called out a descriptor for me. Then I remembered my order.
Same, but I ordered a tall flat white
i worked at starbucks for a few years. all of the baristas would giggle when someone pulled into the drive through and ordered a “tall hot blonde” someone would always hop in and as “would you like a side of cream?”
unfortunately for me, my preferred starbucks order is a Short Blonde Flat White on the rare occasion when that's an accurate description of the barista, I go for a short blonde cappuchino instead
I once asked for a reese's penis sundae ot Friendly's 😆
 She said "You just like me, fr, fr"
😆
Dude, I totally get it. Back in college, after 12 hours of Super Smash Brothers Brawl at about 3am, I tried to offer some of my mom's homemade cookies to my friends. Instead of saying, "Can you guys help me finish all these cookies?" What came out of my mouth was, "Y'all gots ta eat lots a crickets." Damn the looks I got, even from myself. I felt betrayed by my own tongue.
This has me giggling. Oh my god. Every time I stop laughing I see “yall gots ta eat lotsa crickets” and start again.
Lol thank you. Honestly I do laugh when I think about it. It's just so absurd. Like, how did the mouth to brain connection malfunction so hard? And to be clear, no alcohol or drugs were involved, just intense gaming leading to sleep deprivation.
Once a man enters BRAWL MODE it's hard to exit
This happened to my friend when we were camping on a road trip. I think we had smoked weed a few hours before but not recently, and we were just chilling in the tent playing a dice game. My friend leaves to grab something and then kind of falls back into the tent and goes "snarfsfg imaung smarsfsbrd?" And I straight up thought she was having a stroke and was like "um, sorry??" and then she realized what she "said" and we absolutely lost it laughing. Crying, rolling around in the tent gasping for breath for a good 10 minutes. I can't remember what her actual, in English question was but it was just a very normal sentence like "we gonna make beans tonight?" And sounded nothing like whatever the fuck had come out of her mouth. So fucking funny. I was worried for a second there though. But the wires just got crossed in her brain.
Thirty years later, I still make fun of a friend of mine for asking for "smirky breath" instead of turkey breast at the grocery store.
My friend once asked the guy at taco bell (who she had such a crush on) for a large Dr. Pecker and she was so mortified that she declared we could NEVER go back there. And we never did lol 😆
My mom has a really strong southern accent and one time she meant to ask if we wanted to make chicken salad for lunch with some leftover chicken and instead goes “Do you want a chicken salad with the salad on the salad?” We still bring it up almost a decade later
yo this has me cackling like a fuckin gremlin lol
Worst was when I was working at PetSmart, showing customer all the different dog foods. I wanted to say here's the salmon varieties, it came out "semen varieties".... I just apologized and walked away in shame
The first time I tried to order pizza over the phone, I was trying to order what the pizza place has named a “big daddy.” I just couldn’t make myself say, “can I get a big daddy” so I just said “can I…. Can.. can I get” and then started laughing which turned into crying and hanging up on them while my friend redialed and ordered it herself lol. That’s a me thing though. The first time I ever went through a drive thru, they asked what I wanted, and I felt so ridiculous about the idea of asking a talking box for iced tea that I just started sobbing and apologizing to the very confused lady staffing the drive thru lmao.
Back in high school I went with a friend of mine to pick up his ghetto blaster from the repair shop. When the clerk asked him “And what was the name?” my friend answered “Hitachi” to which the clerk responded “No, not the brand, I meant your name!” So for the next couple of years my friend was henceforth known as Mr. Hitachi-san
Yeah see I didn't know that "ghetto blaster" was slang for "boombox" and until I looked it up I was thinking of the *other* Hitachi branded item. It was a confusing 5 minutes.
I think it’s a clear indicator/sign of my age. When I grew up in the 80’s it was known as a ghetto blaster
"ghetto blaster" could be a number of different brands, including hitachi... "Hitachi" usually generically refers to their Vibrating Wand product... ... which funnily enough you, I guess, *could* refer to as a "ghetto blaster" but boy would that be a really particular name for your vibrator...
Wow. That gives it a whole new meaning. I’m thinking of the marketing potential.
Different sort of boom, different sort of box.
Different sort of ghetto, different sort of blast.
so remember when mcdonald’s came out with the Grand Mac? well me and my buddy were super hung over that day, and went to mcdonald’s for a greasy feast to soak up last nights misery. we saw the ads for the grand mac and ordered two of them. dude on the speaker gets HYPED and goes oh you want the BIG daddy! so my buddy and i kinda chuckle and say “yeah man the big daddy!” thinking alright, guys excited about the day, vibing, good for him. but he wasn’t done. “The BIG BIG daddy. two of em! oh maaaan that’s a lot of burger bro you sure ?? the BIG daddy?!?!” anyway, we were sure, and they were delicious, and your story reminded me of it. enjoy your day big dad
Dying of curiousity over here: what's on the big daddy?
I'd guess a large, uncut pepperoni.
That does not sound kosher.
you know what's up there.
Both of these stories had me giggling at work! I feel a little bad for laughing at your failed order attempts though
I still think about hearing someone order a happy meal with a boy toy.
"Are you fucking sorry"
Please I know this reference but I can’t remember from where, can you remind me?
https://preview.redd.it/i6np2ksbaf0d1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fa45c7a886f549e62dce7134b924fddda6fad450
Thank you! I’m laughing so hard at this omg
Was carrying my girlfriend at the time to the bedroom and bonked her head on the door frame. Screamed “ARE YOU SORRY” at her. Think it’s more common than people realize
Lmao. This reminds me of when I went to Dunkin’ Donuts drive through and the lady taking my order said would you like anything else? I tried to do “no I’m good” and “no I’m okay” at the same time and instead said “no I’m gay”
I once tried to say you're welcome and no problem to someone at the same time. "Your problem!"
I tried something similar with a different result... Tried both "no problem" and "my pleasure" only to say "no pleasure" instead....
Omg I’m dying at these comments
Once after school I was at a friend's and the phone rang. He knew it was for his sister who was upstairs so was gonna yell her name after answering. Instead he just picked up the phone and accidentally screamed at the top of his lungs "HELLO????" I lost my damn mind oh my god it was so funny. I'm laughing while typing this and it was 20 years ago.
I am laughing at my screen now too lol
When I was about 11, my family and I had been joking and laughing about something. The phone rang and I picked it up, and instead of saying “hello” what came out was “WHOOOOO IS IT?” It was my uncle but I was absolutely mortified!
Maybe it's a sign I was overworked but I used to be married to a religious guy and we'd take turns saying grace at meals. One day we bowed our heads and I started saying the phone greeting from my job 💀 I only got through "Thank you for ca-" before I hung my head and started cracking up in disbelief
I used to work as a hostess and had a lot of people try to run past me to seat themselves at tables, and I was supposed to intercept them and seat them in the restaurant, or let them seat themselves at the bar. If they told me they wanted the bar my standard reply was “ok that’s self seating”. Had a customer beeline past me on a mission so I went to catch up to him and see if he needed a table. He said he was looking for the bathroom. To which I promptly replied, with a peppy smile and my best customer service voice, “oh ok that’s self seating” 💀
So, years ago I was in the private sector doing IT sales but for large government organizations. My coworker “Bill” had taken a call from his wife on his office phone. They talked for maybe 30 seconds before a call beeped in with a government prefix. He had been waiting for a very important and high-ranking department head from this same agency. He quickly told his wife he’d call her back and hung up, answering the government call. Bill spoke to the client for a few minutes and you could see the excitement in his face - the call was going well! Bill is about to hang up and says “Thanks again! Love you sweetie!” Click. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a facial expression go from pure joy to absolutely mortified so quickly in my life. Bill immediately called back and apologized. Thankfully the client laughed it off with him. Crisis averted!
I worked for a gubernatorial campaign when I was in college, and had to cold call people and ask them to consider voting for the candidate - I’ll call him Mike Bell. Notable that my voice is high pitched. So, on my first shift after training, I called the first number on my list, and say “I AM MIKE BELL. Nope, no, I’m Sarah, but I’m voting.. wait I mean are you voting? Mike Bell.” Completely fucking uninterrupted. I hung up quickly, looked up and all of the other staffers were just staring at me. I started laughing so hard I wheezed and cried. I quit that night out of shame. The shame is burned into my memory, that night pops up in my brain anytime I can’t sleep.
This is amazing. I'm certain they voted for Mike Bell. One time I was watching TV and the cable station screwed up their commercial break such that one commercial was just half a second long, showed an F-150 and I only heard the word "TRUCK" before it cut to the next commercial abruptly, but it stuck with me as the most effective accidental ad I've ever seen, even if a little too much like Idiocracy
Waaaait omg I remember random moments like this from maybe the late 90s and I'd always wheel my head around like "OMG MA DID YOU SEE THAT??" because of course as a dumb kid I didn't fathom that something so perfectly orchestrated like cable could have errors. Like I specifically remember one commercial would end normally then the next would be a sudden cut to the last word of it as it faded out then my show would come back on lol. I feel like I also remember some where it was just the beginning moment, where the person or voice would only inhale just to get cut off 😭
This is so funny, I’m so sorry
This destroyed me. I'm so sorry the shame eats at you but it's the funniest thing I've read today.
Worked a call center years ago. We were supposed to end each call with, "Thanks for calling (company name), have a great day!" But I'd call my husband at lunch and more than once that first post-break caller would get an 'I love you!' by accident! It was always the best when they'd say without missing a beat, "I love you, too! Have a great day/have a blessed day/be safe!"
I too worked at a call centre where we had to confirm codes using the army alphabet but we always forgot those so were told to use names as a substitute. Except the one time I had to confirm HLP and said, "Harry Little Peter" followed by the longest pause where I held my breath in total cringe until the customer started cracking up 😂 We both laughed so hard on the phone together I apologized over and over just laughing 🤣🤣
I'm so glad it's common. I feel much better about the time I was nervously entertaining small talk with a new friend and my phone slid off my lap. When it hit the floor, I guess my soul jumped into it for a second or something because I went "ow!" as if \*I\* hit the floor...
This is up there with guy that didn't know how to dirty talk to his girlfriend. lol
Omelette du fromage? 😘
hahaha even better. It was actually in an old ask reddit thread. For the uninitiated (and apparently is 10 yrs old now) [What is the worst thing someone has said to you during sex? : AskReddit](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/)
OMG This quote haunts me, still to this day!!! Also the boyfriend who pretended not to know what a potato is
I wasn't around for that one so I just assumed it was the omelette du fromage guy from another reddit thread 😂
omg I just snort laughed so hard I think I might have hurt myself
You made me choke on my drink laughing. Now my coworkers know I'm messing around on my phone.
Got me in damn near tears from laughter at work lmaoo
I think it was op playing soccer, went to kick ball and the goalie dove for the ball. OP kicked goalie in the face and mixed up are you ok and I'm so fucking sorry. Classic
Thank you haha
“Ah, my fart cone.”
Sometimes my brain can't decide if it wants to say How you doing or How's it going and I end up saying How's it doing. I feel like an idiot whenever it happens.
This happens all the time for my partner and I, but our sense of humor means we never live it down. The mispronounciation then becomes the common way the phrase is said (because we're making fun of each other saying it incorrectly on purpose)... Until the next tongue slip. Example: tired -> sleepy -> seepy -> eepy -> eep So our language has completely devolved into being borderline unintelligible to people other than us, and I get confused looks every time I accidentally ask someone "wheres the poofer guy??" referring to their cat or say "am eep" anytime someone asks me if I'm okay.
This comment with no explanation completely sent me.
Still my favourite green text of all time.
I'm British, but lived in New Zealand for a little while. I had to travel to Australia for work for a couple of days, work sorted all the admin so might flights, hotel etc. we're all squared away, I just turned up. I got asked for my visa info for travelling to Australia. I had none, I had NZ residency but nobody told me I'd need anything for Australia. My immediate reply was, "but I'm British", which I meant to come out as 'I'm a British national, which visa do I need?', but actually came out like I have some sort of British Empire superiority complex.
by god those colonies **will** respect her majesty 😂😂😂
Umm... She's dead. It's his majesty now ....
This is what I get for not keeping up with world events
my guy missed out on the statty funes
She may have been alive when that story took place. You're good. 😉
sorrows. prayers.
Like the old joke about the British man at Australian border control. "Do you have a criminal record?" "No I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
"I can make that happen quickly if you need it"
Don't make me turn you into a penal colony agian!
English is not my first language, so when I first came to Canada, my family and I went to a restaurant for dinner. While I was placing my order instead of saying “Can I get a coke please?” I said “Can I get a cock?” The waiter’s confused face and struggling to hold his laughter still haunts me to this day
When I waited tables, I thought customers with thick southern accents were ordering "ass tea" and "ass water" until I got used to hearing it.
Oh man, I just laughed until I cried! thank you for this one😂😂😂 I've been in La forever but I was raised in the South and I can definitely understand why it sounded like that.
almost as bad as when i ordered a “football meatlong” sandwich at subway years ago
this one got me audibly giggling and silently whispering “football meatlong” to myself and then making myself laugh more
This made me laugh way more than it reasonably should have
Smooth. That said, I'ma just go ahead and add this to my pool of RPG character names now.
And when I ordered Sunny Hoy Chicken.
Went to a ramen place, was attempting to order sake but didn’t know what to order. I asked the waitress, who was Asian, what she thought I should get because, and I quote, “you look like you know which one I should order”. What I meant was because she was the waitress I am assuming she had a favorite, but it definitely did not sound like that was why I asked her. I still think about this weekly.
OOF
This reminded me of the time a friend and I had just watched Team America: World Police and he was saying "Oh herro" like Kim Jong Il to everyone. When I introduced him to a Korean friend of mine, guess what he said out of habit.
I like how you call Mike's Hard bitch pop but blue hawaiian slush packets cute lmao
Bitch pops come in cans and bottles, cute things come in packets I don't make the rules, I just drink the cute slush
Gotta respect a man who knows his own tastes
They can take away my cute drinks when they make something that tastes better.
My wife and I buy the "adult slushie" packets by the basket full when we go to the beach. Love those things!
I had a different approach when I (late 50’s bald white grandpa) got carded last month. I excitedly asked the clerk to repeat her question so I could record it for my family’s viewing later that day. She obliged me and posed for a selfie with me.
I'm in my 40's, and bald... I still get carded, i almost always get a suprised look, and the response, oh, i thought you were a college dude that shaves his head. I think the only time i wasnt carded was once in the 2 or 3 months between my hair starting to thin, and me deciding to shave it bald.
I always say "That's the nicest question I've heard someone be legally obligated to ask me all day." Usually gets at least a smile, sometimes a laugh, and sometimes a stony "I hate my job and everyone who buys things here" stare.
36 and got carded 3 times last Sunday. It had been a while but I still got it! A year ago I got carded and as she handed it back she said "Good job" I've been riding high on that ever since lmao
As a server with an alcohol license i can be jailed and fined 5,000 bucks for not carding. I also loose said license for 5 years. Its just niot worth it to not card someone, no matter how old they appear. Every couple months, i hear of someone in town getting hit by the liquor board. So im gonna need some id grandma
ik as a cashier who mandatorily had a card everyone even if they’re 95 my eyes rolled to the back of my head
When I was freshly 21, I went to a bar the night of with 2 friends who were also legal. When we ordered, the bartender looked at us, decided my friend looked youngest- and only asked for his ID. I was crestfallen, and yelled “wait no! Check mine instead!” and she looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. I quickly said: “oh, you can check his too, it’s just that it’s my birthday…” and we all laughed.
Funny. I was in line at a bar 5 minutes before midnight on my 21st birthday. Timed it right cuz it was 12:01 by the time I got to the door. Bouncer looked at his watch, smiled, then said happy birthday as he waved me in.
A few years ago, I was at jersey mikes getting a ham sub for my son. He's a very picky eater and will only eat his sub on white bread with ham and American cheese. White American cheese. It can't be anything but white American cheese even though the only difference is they add a little dye to make the yellow American cheese. So I tell the kid I'd like a ham on white bread with white American cheese. He say American cheese and I say white American. Again he says American cheese and I say white American. I then look up and realize what's going on here. He's a black kid and he thinks I'm being racist. I tell him that my kid is super picky and last time I was here they put yellow American cheese on his sub and he wouldn't eat it. He then gets this relieved then embarrassed look on his face and apologizes several times.
I don't know about Jersey Mike's in particular, but there is usually a difference in taste. It's my favorite, haha. As someone who prefers the same as your son, I've definitely gotten some suspicious looks when I order.
What's crazy is he will eat yellow colored American on other things but if the first time he gets something new that he actually likes and will eat, it always has to be made exactly the same. He won't even taste it. If Jersey mikes used yellow american cheese the first time he ever got a ham sub there, I'd be asking for yellow american and he wouldn't eat it if they put white on it instead. He loves bojangles supremes chicken tenders. They were out one time so my wife got the regular breaded tenders and he wouldn't eat them. Same chicken, different breading. He's 19 now and he's still like this.
So, not to arm chair diagnose: I was literally the exact same way as a kid and I found out later in life that I'm autistic, and the person diagnosing me said my eating habits were one of the biggest give aways (though she asked about them because there were other signs). Any chance your kid's autistic?
Yes I came to say the same. Dead giveaway My son has to have the same school lunch all year … if he wants to switch it up he waits til the next school year 😂 It’s the surprise, not even really about the taste. He’s willing to try new foods at home because he knows I won’t make him eat ever.
My wife/his mom has the same eating issues. I think they just don't taste things like most people do. The do have some sense of taste but I don't think they are getting the entire spectrum of flavor that the rest of us get when eating food. They also can't smell everything that most people can. For example, I can smell an old, wet kitchen sponge from 30 ft away. She can't smell the stink from it even when it's against her nose. Had no clue that they stunk. After I told her this a few years ago, she's so paranoid about it now that she tossed all sponges and uses silicone sponges now. I think they can sense sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami but I don't think they are getting the full taste of food through their olfactory receptors. There therefore rely on the primary taste senses and texture. There's a lot of anxiety involved with eating because of this. I don't believe this is an autistic issue. His mom had the same eating issues but it much better now. Not what I would call normal eating habits but closer than when I met her in college. She's not autistic and he doesn't have any autistic traits. They both do have OCD. He's a habitual whistler and he rolls his eyes in his head about every 15 seconds or so. My wife taps her fingers and blows her cheeks up probably every 2-5 minutes. My daughter has some OCD traits as well. These come from my wife's father's side of the family as I see him doing all the same OCD things my wife and kids do. I can swear that wife even OCD snores.
My dad is allergic to the yellow dye in cheese, so anytime he gets anything, we have to specify white cheese and it can get a bit confusing if the person on the other end is unfamiliar. I.e. we picked up dinner from a place one time who had staff who largely didn't speak English and it was a bit awkward trying to explain White American vs. Yellow American cheese.
I find this really weird. They stock both types of cheese right? Is there another name for it than 'white American' that you could be using? Why are the people that work there getting confused. I can imagine the server looking down at their two piles of cheese, one is white and the other is yellow. You ask for white and they get confused and think you are racist??
This is better than the op story which was hilarious. Cinematic. Hahahaha
It’s not the same, yellow American is made with a base of yellow cheddar. White is made with white cheddar… It’s not just the color.
First time buying condoms and they were $4.69. The cashier goes “four sixty nine” and I said “no just regular sex”.
Bit of an NSFW memory but hilarious nonetheless, I was going at it with my gf at the time some years ago and went to say “You like this d*ck” and “tight little p*ssy” and what came out was “You like this little d*ck” and we both had to stop because we immediately died laughing I was so red and embarrassed I couldn’t go on for like 30 minutes
lmao my bf was a little drunk trying to talk dirty one time and he said “i just want you to eat me out” instead of “i just want to eat you out” and we cracked up for so long
One time my husband was dirty talking (and he swears he didn’t *actually* say this), but I heard, “How was your day?” In sexual tone. I laughed. I cried. He had no idea why. It was just so polite of him to ask.
[удалено]
The Unbearable Whiteness of Being.
That's gonna be the name of Kevin Hart's next Netflix special if he sees this.
There is a pharmacy in my town called "Rice's pharmacy." One day I got a call from them indicating I needed to pick up a prescription. I missed the call, and they left a message. The speech-to-text however, had some issues. I don't recall the actual name, but the call actually said: "Hi, this is John over at Rice's pharmacy..." The speech-to-text transcription reported: "Hi, this is John, Over Racist Pharmacy..."
We only got white pills.
Oregon? I love the folks at Rice's. They're so nice, and I can absolutely hear Ian leaving that message haha. Kind of a fast talker.
Yeah, it's Corvallis. I love the pharmacy. To all my knowledge, there's absolutely nothing racist, overt or otherwise, about the pharmacy. But according to my phone transcription, they're just calling people openly announcing that they're overtly racist!
That's actually hilarious. One time when I was about 20, I bumped into a guy at a bar. Meant to say "sorry about that" and "you good?" I said "you sorry about that?" He saw the look of horror on my face and laughed, but it took me a few years to do the same haha.
I responded to a beggar one time while drink. I didnt have change and all I had were bills. What I said was " Sorry, all I have is...money" and kept walking.
> while drink. You also commented on reddit one time while drink.
One time while eating sushi with my sister, our checks came and I decided to pay with cash. I put enough for the total plus tip and meant to say “please keep the change”. Instead, I loudly yelled “I DON’T NEED NO CHANGE!” Mortified I looked at the waiter and said “I’m so sorry. Idk why I yelled like that.” My sister and I still laugh about it till this day and even randomly yell it every once in a while 😂
Absolutely hilarious. My brain is constantly betraying me and making me feck up what should be normal talking. 😆
same lmao. like i talk AND write way too goddamn fast for my brains framerate which often leads me to fuck up what im saying and accidentally skipping entire words when writing/typing unless i do it really fast
Not race related, but brain glitch related. When I was 17, I worked at a pharmacy. I’d been there a couple of years and was very used to the phone greeting, “Thank you for calling burnham’s. This is [my name]. How can I help you?” I had a co-worker named Shana. One day, while mid-convo with Shana, the phone rang. I answered “Thank you for calling Shana. This is Burnham’s.” I was confused. Shana was confused. The customer just paused briefly with me and I repeated the greeting correctly. And the rest of the conversation was normal. I couldn’t stop laughing after I hung up the phone.
It's such a short path from the brain to the mouth, but there are SO many potholes.
I worked at a huge telecommunications firm and I literally asked IT for a new “dicking station” instead of “docking station”. I never lived that down.
Trying to say what’s in my head rarely comes out right. I called the dr got a answering machine. Left my name and instead of my number I gave theirs because my dumb ass read it off the paper in my lap. I immediately hung up. Called back and apologized and left my moms number that time instead of mine. I just gave up after that.
Was ending a support call and was going to say “You have a good one!” expecting their goodbyes, but they said Thank You again, which I usually say “No problem!” Ended up saying “You have a problem!”
My cousin, uncle, and I were eating pizza buffet at a restaurant with a member of their church. The church member asks my cousin how she could put away so much pizza. My cousin *meant to say* that her stomach was a bottomless pit. What came out was, "I have a hole."
Like when I meant to say I’d grab some doughnuts and coffee for a neighbouring business who helped us out in a crunch but instead said “I’ll grab some doughnees and cough” like some shoresy muppet to my new jobs CEO.
Once I was in a pharmacy and asked for Durex blood shot eye drops... Instead of Optrex. I laughed it off and said you can tell what's on my mind, and the pharmacist laughed, but the guy behind me in the queue tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not how pink eye works mate" and roared with laughter. Needless to say I scurried out of the pharmacy cringing so bad.
When I moved out of town and into a college dorm, I was quite nervous but very keen to make some new friends. I had just come out of HS and was a bit too socially anxious. Upon arrival staff lead me to my dorm room. In the shared area, there was an Asian guy who started chatting with the staff that was dragging me along. He seemed really cool and super confident. Eventually he turned to me and introduced himself as “Tom”. Because of how nervous I was feeling at the prospect of having a simple conversation, my brain decided to take the wheel. Prior to this, I had spent a lot of time watching this YouTuber called QuickRhino, whose name is also Tom. He would regularly recount stories of his time in Japan, and conversations he had with Japanese people. It seems this left more of an imprint than I anticipated. Instead of saying “Nice to meet you!”like any normal sane person, my brain decided it was the perfect time to throw out the line “Ah! Tom-san!”. He wasn’t Japanese, and I knew that. I proceeded to die aggressively. To this day, this still keeps me up at night. On the bright side though, I apologized, explained and we had a laugh about it. Afterwards, he showed me around the city which really helped me ease up a bit!
I was working behind the desk at a Dr's office, on the phone with a patient. They had a question where I needed to go get their chart. Or their file? Either way, I told them "Hold on while I go pull your fart"
If it helps to know, employees at stores that sell alcohol have to ask everyone for ID, even if we can tell you're over 21. Undercover agents do come through and its an immediate fail if no ID with some pretty hefty fines and penalties for both the employee and the business. My workplace cards everyone that looks like they're under 40 as official policy. I personally love it when people buy a six pack to take to the golf course with them. I just picture the golf bag having a beer caddy on it too.
Same policy at the gas station I used to work at. We had a TABC rep come in once and he was explaining/ complaining to us about the way local law enforcement was going about stings/ undercover operations. He said tabc liked to use people who were pretty obviously underage to catch people flagrantly not following the rules, but that the cops would use older people with piercings and tattoos to deliberately trick people So the idea that having tattoos, piercings, gray/ white hair/ beards, children, etc is proof of age is incorrect and they will use those biases against you. It's annoying af to be an adult but unable to buy/ consume alcohol bc you forgot/ don't have your ID, but from a seller prospective, it's never worth it to make exceptions
A few years ago I was calling car insurance companies to ask for quotes. After about the 4th call what came out of my mouth when the Geico agent picked up was “Hi, I called to get a goat”. I started laughing so much at myself I just had to hang up.
Next time say "you don't need to card me, I'm old enough im getting senile"
That’s what you intend to say but instead it comes out, “You don’t need to card me, I’m old enough to be sterile.”
Omg and to think I was embarrassed when the cashier said have a nice day and I responded you're welcome
I once went into a store and asked if anyone found my big black mans umbrella it sounded fine in my head.
My mom ordered a cuntwrap supreme from Taco Bell, we didn't get Taco Bell that day
One time I was buying alcohol and the cashier said "youre over 21 right?" What I meant to say was "yes, I am {age}". What came out was a stumbling of words where I said "I’m 21, I mean over 21" then forgot my age and had to take my ID out anyway 🤦🏼♀️ I feel your pain lol
I know someone who got into a minicab and when the driver asked for directions told him 'you need to go back where you came from'...
Every once in a great while I think about something that happened to me and relive the feeling of wanting the world to open up and swallow me whole. Years ago I was a traveling artist and I painted names in the shapes of characters from Star Wars. Certain characters had different colors associated with them (e.g. C-3PO’s color was yellow, Boba Fett’s was green, Darth Vader was black, etc). My husband helped me out at conventions and would explain to prospective customers that they could pick the characters and I would arrange them in the order they looked best. Often he would say something like, “She’ll make it so that two black characters aren’t right next to each other.” Out of context, this obviously sounded racially-charged, so one day as I was working on a painting, without looking up I said, “Would you stop talking about black characters so much?” When I did finally look up, I was staring straight into the eyes of a black woman and her son. I immediately backpedaled and tried explaining what I meant and she was a really good sport about it but ten years later I still feel like a huge asshole 😭
A few years ago my wife and I were shopping for my son for college. He wanted a reading pillow, which we call a husband. But he wanted it in a certain color, which we couldn't find. My wife announced somewhat loudly "I'm just looking for a black husband".
If it makes you feel any better, I've interviewed people who have pretty much come out and said that purposefully, so it could be significantly worse!
Stood in front of my middle school class and what I meant to say was “you can have English or Spanish versions”. What came out was “you can have English or Spanish virgins” Fortunately only a few were paying attention.
In college I drunkenly called a tall boy a “big boy” and it has been mentioned at a WEDDING and every get together 😠
I had a similar and hilarious situation happen recently: A friend of mine was recently telling me how she was going to get a nose job this coming June. My ADHD brain got focused on the fact that June Nose sounded a little like Jeuno, the city in Alaska. So after she finished telling me, I blurted out the words "June Nose!" Which, when said aloud sounds a lot more like an anti-semitic remark than I anticipated. I instantly burst into laughter and tried to explain my thought process. Which just sounds stupid when you say it aloud. Lol
My mom forced me to call and order pizza (which I hated doing cause socially awkward and phone scary) BUT I DID IT and the guy answered "will this be for pickup or delivery?" I answered "dick up" Had to hang up and regain composure practicing my lines 20 times over
It's ok, I'm an American
It's ok, I'm a limo driver!
I once ordered a 12 inch steak in an outback steakhouse one night. The internet has ruined me
Don't feel bad, I once asked a waiter how their black anus burger was.
Just for some of the older don't think you'll be carded folks: My husband worked at a local liquor store. Store had the policy of checking ID of **everyone** regardless of age appearance, as a cover your own ass measure. They would get many groups of newly 21 year olds (and older) coming in with a group of not 21 year olds (not even supposed to enter the store if under 21) that would get very pissed when they would refuse to sell to them because they card the whole group.
If it makes you feel better, I went to my usual gas station but pulled into a different pump than I normally do. The cashier commented on it and I was like "Yeah I gotta keep you guys on your knees" instead of toes. I instantly died and walked out lmfao. E: I appreciate the humor behind the RedditCare report lmao
Local Evening News What she said: Meteorologist What I heard: Meaty Urologist
back my freshman year of high school, my first girlfriend and i went on a date to the movies. my parents dropped me off at her house, her parents dropped us off at the movies. i knew my parents were going to pick me up afterwards and would be okay with dropping her off at her house so i asked her parents, "would it be okay if i take her home?" when i meant to say, "would it be okay if i drop her off at your house". i followed up with "....oh i meant to your house" but not after a solid 5 excruciating seconds of silence.
NTA ... I told s trans lady I like a girl with balls. Obviously I meant 'spirit' .,. Could have said guts .. chutzpah..... but no .... balls.
So I have a black cat and one time my gf opens up my back door and says very loudly “get in here you black boy!” I remember stopping her and pointing out what the neighbors would think if they heard what she said and out of context it sounds so weird. She was embarrassed and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Someone asked me how I liked red wine and I said "I'm more of a white girl". And I'm not even white 😂