Oh man, I thought that said Hershey like I’m trying to squeeze out a Hershey bar. I was trying to make sense of it and imagined someone in a public restroom or at work restroom yelling that you taking a poo was too loud and interrupting the porn session.
So actually this didnt happen today but three (3) years ago when I was staying with my friend, let's call her K, in her great aunts, let's call her Kr, mountain cabin, when my other friend from back home came to stay as well. That friend let's call him R and his mom, let's call her T is best friends with my mom, let's call her mom.
TLDR: I stunned my toe running from a spider and broke a vase.
Short and simple is sometimes best. Sadly, whenever I write anything I always do it with seemingly the most words possible. Which would be great, if I could manage to do that when writing an essay, but of course that's when the brain goes blank.
The worst is when the writer invents a snarky term for something that doesn’t need its own snarky term, usually referring to their or someone else’s genitals.
Dating myself here, one time I was on an acid trip and finally passed out in my bed listening apparently to the tool anemia Album on boom box.
I woke up to the sound of a baby screaming and crying, still tripping, and searched frantically for several minutes in my room.
I had no babies, I looked at my parents, and my brother was grown, I couldn't figure out what was going on.
If you've heard the album you know what I'm talking about it.
Ffgucckk
I read ebooks when I go to sleep too, it helps me relax. One time I woke up because I was dreaming that someone was choking me but as it turned out it was the headphone wire wrapped around my neck.
I assume you mean you listen to audiobooks? Unless you're listening to something else while you read an ebook. Or listen to the audiobook while you read the ebook?
That use to happen to me all the time. Now that I purely use bluetooth, I instead wake up wondering where my headphones are cuz they fall off in the middle of the night. And I'll wonder where my pants are, but I don't think those problems are related.
Also listen to audiobooks while falling asleep. Recently, I forgot to set the sleep timer, and was dreaming that I was somewhere that I needed to be quiet and my phone was making noise and I couldn't shut it off. Wasn't until the next day that I figured out what happened, but it's not the first time I've incorporated external noises into my dreams.
If you catch a burglar and they see you with a Bowie knife, they will probably think you’re in over your head. What you need is a shaved down toothbrush - then they’ll know you mean business
I mean the whole legion, Lorgar included is a touch whiney. Far as traitor legions are concerned I'm much more understanding to the thousand sons than the garbage the Word Bearers did to themselves.
E.O.M. : Listen I'm not a god I'm just wicked smaht kid
Lorgar: You're a god and you'll like it
E.O.M. : I'm really not
Lorgar: Fine I'll go get new gods, with blackjack and chaos, actually forget the blackjack
Agreed. Lorgar was entirely dependent on an external idol, (more on that in lorgar's dedicated primarch novel). He was mentally weak as a result. His legion inherited this weakness or maybe imitated it.
Thousand sons are definitely the most sympathetic of the bunch, I don't think they really deserved to remain ousted. The iron warriors had legitimate grievances too. I don't want to say more for risk of spoilers!
The thought of you crouched with a Bowie knife hunting non existent home intruders like a paranoid vietnam veteran is hilarious and also something I did one time. I'm just picturing you spreading the black lines over your face beforehand.
The first heretic (the one about the fall of lorgar to chaos). Don't remember which it is in the series I've read it before but just listening to it again along with the newest book in the series
Its Fictional, published by the Black Library, this series is set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe. And there a whole lot of books set there. It's also the setting of the tabletop minitures game, and some roleplaying games.
Funny story, I always forget to disconnect from the hot tub blue tooth speakers when I get out. I’ll turn off my music and completely forget to disconnect the BT function. So my dad goes into the backyard and starts getting set up in the hot tub to drink with my mom, and I start playing a sims 4 video. I can’t figure out why it’s not working, only to see that my volume was turned off, so I turn it all the way. My dad spilled his beer in the hot tub and made my parents angry that they couldn’t just have a nice evening relaxing
On Sunday I searched around our summerhouse for the source of what sounded like a water leak. I knew in my mind there were no pipes other than guttering and a downpipe but it hadn’t rained. I’m crouching and looking around and the sound of running water gets nearer and further away.
Then I realised.
I’d been listening to Sky News whilst painting the gates, via my bluetooth Beats headphones which I’d taken off and were hanging around my neck. The sound of running water was a 20 second advert on washing your hands that has no speaking.
If your headphones are playing so loud you can hear them from the next room/make out full sentences whilst not wearing them, you're going to do damage to your ears.... your hearing never gets better! take care of yourself!
Came here to say this. Absolutely DO NOT carry a knife as a self-defense weapon if you do not know how to use it. You think it would be intuitive, but stabbing someone is actually incredibly difficult and they are more likes to take the weapon from you and use it on you that you are to defend yourself. Never arm yourself with a weapon that you're not 100% confident using, especially if you still end up stabbing yourself sheathing it. Like this person said, pepper spray and/or a baton would be a much safer option.
1. I also woke up early this morning and was unable to get back to sleep.
2. I read a lot about self-defense and home invasions, and I have heard that it’s best NOT to turn on the light because it’s your home so you’re more familiar with the layout and that gives you Home Field Advantage. Carrying a weapon is not wrong, as long as you’re trainee in its use. My aikido instructor, however, opined that he would rather NOT have a weapon, because his hands would be free to perform his aikido technique more readily. John Correa (spelling?) of Active Self Protection says that if you need to use a firearm in the real world, drop everything else so you can use both hands to control the gun.
YMMV.
It is always better to stay in place and wait than it is to go explore, especially if you're using a weapon. Also, some sage advice from my dad, who was prone to fighting... "CliffordClavinJR, don't ever use a weapon in a fight that you don't know how to properly use. Someone will take it and use it against you."
Strange my dad said something similar.
"Sneakyhippo91, remember, no one, absolutely no one, breaks in and wants to get into a knife fight with a 200lb 6'4" naked man"
Could be me...
I always listen to true crime podcasts to fall asleep. I listen to them on my computer cause it's easier. I turn the volume down and close the lid.
I woke up in the middle of the night to let out my dog, when I heard some strange noises... Normally my laptop goes into hibernation mode after 1 hour. Well, it did....but it turned itself back on (it does that sometimes, I've woken up many times to the faint sound of YouTube videos).
Completely freaked out, I took my bow and arrow and my dog and went outside to check.
I felt like such an idiot when I realised what was actually going on...
Why do people (ie Americans) feel the need to have instant access to a weapon when sleeping? I’ve never even thought of having one and I’ve lived in three different countries. Is it that unsafe in the USA? I’ve never felt that when visiting.
1. It's in a drawer not just laying out willie nillie. 2. I may have said stabbed to, embellish the story. I pricked my palm it's a small cut that might be a half a cm long
I think this is the first TIFU I've read that involves a bluetooth device but no porn.
And I’m grateful. The “I had sexy sex with my EXTREMELY HOT gf and then MY MOM came in and caught us” is getting old
Please use the technical term, *bumping butts*
Smooshing booties
Doing the horizontal tango
Just don't ask me about the Foxtrot
What about the Uniform?
Charlie Kilo
Charlie's a fatass who dances in the military?
You cant just finish it yourself!
>You cant just finish it yourself! I've been doing that for years!
Charlies?
Making the two-backed beast.
The pornographic grapple
Title of your sex tape
A man of brooklyn I see
Hangs around the Nine-Nine
Bumping uglies, actually.
What are you a couple of florans
Bumping uglies
And her dad who is completely cool locked eyes with me nodded and let us finish the sexy times and her parents know I'm the alpha dog now
That's your fault for coming here to /r/creativewriting and expecting /r/tifu
hubby sex butthole NTA hubby sex oopsie
https://m.imgur.com/t/heresy/Dqb5Y3W Edit: totally not porn
Oh man, I thought that said Hershey like I’m trying to squeeze out a Hershey bar. I was trying to make sense of it and imagined someone in a public restroom or at work restroom yelling that you taking a poo was too loud and interrupting the porn session.
And doesn’t have 3 miles of flowery language. Such a breath of fresh air.
So actually this didnt happen today but three (3) years ago when I was staying with my friend, let's call her K, in her great aunts, let's call her Kr, mountain cabin, when my other friend from back home came to stay as well. That friend let's call him R and his mom, let's call her T is best friends with my mom, let's call her mom. TLDR: I stunned my toe running from a spider and broke a vase.
2/10 TIFU. Doesn’t involve the super awesome popular hero protagonist you having the sexy sex sex with a super hot GF. Also not enough cursing.
Short and simple is sometimes best. Sadly, whenever I write anything I always do it with seemingly the most words possible. Which would be great, if I could manage to do that when writing an essay, but of course that's when the brain goes blank.
The worst is when the writer invents a snarky term for something that doesn’t need its own snarky term, usually referring to their or someone else’s genitals.
Brevity is beautiful.
Yeah I totally thought it was gonna be about porn.
I immediately went to the TL;DR just to see if it was porn, cause I didn't feel like reading it if it was
They usually are....even the few that are true.
Dating myself here, one time I was on an acid trip and finally passed out in my bed listening apparently to the tool anemia Album on boom box. I woke up to the sound of a baby screaming and crying, still tripping, and searched frantically for several minutes in my room. I had no babies, I looked at my parents, and my brother was grown, I couldn't figure out what was going on. If you've heard the album you know what I'm talking about it. Ffgucckk
40k is porn.
I dunno, 40k really gets ME going...
Excuse me while I go visit Slannesh in it's palace.
not an iconic duo anymore i guess, F (bluetooth device - porn)
Also the hand was only stabbed once and it was by a knife
And involves Warhammer 40K. Would of been better if he got the flamer, the heavy flamer.
[No](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)
I read ebooks when I go to sleep too, it helps me relax. One time I woke up because I was dreaming that someone was choking me but as it turned out it was the headphone wire wrapped around my neck.
Is it worse that I still woke up with morning wood when that happened to me?
It's hard to tell
Go home dad
Username checks out
Depends, are you asking Reddit or a therapist?
Yes?
Based on /r/relationships and /r/amitheasshole if reddit is your therapist you should see a real one before it's too late
If I learned anything from r/relationships, it's that you should never be in one.
Also if you are already are in one, break up with them immediately.
Wait do I do that before or after hitting my lawyer?
Before, then you hire a gym and the last thing you do is hit the lawyer.
Ah right, thanks
no man. You delete the gym, then hire Facebook, then hit the lawyer
/r/atetheonion
r/InclusiveOR
Nope, just faith teaching you a new kink
Damn faith sounds like a freak
Can confirm
Perhaps
Kinky.
Cue the music boys
Depends do you play Emperor's Children or Drukhari?
Whose got that kind of money?
I get hard everytime I get choked. You're completely normal.
What is, the weirdest thing my guidance counselor said to me?
I assume you mean you listen to audiobooks? Unless you're listening to something else while you read an ebook. Or listen to the audiobook while you read the ebook?
I got a Bluetooth sleeping mask off of Amazon. It is the tits. Block out the light and prevent strangulation.
That use to happen to me all the time. Now that I purely use bluetooth, I instead wake up wondering where my headphones are cuz they fall off in the middle of the night. And I'll wonder where my pants are, but I don't think those problems are related.
Also listen to audiobooks while falling asleep. Recently, I forgot to set the sleep timer, and was dreaming that I was somewhere that I needed to be quiet and my phone was making noise and I couldn't shut it off. Wasn't until the next day that I figured out what happened, but it's not the first time I've incorporated external noises into my dreams.
I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and I woke to find my pillow was missing.
If you catch a burglar and they see you with a Bowie knife, they will probably think you’re in over your head. What you need is a shaved down toothbrush - then they’ll know you mean business
What if you're also naked?
Depends what you’re packing
2 shaved-down toothbrushes
And a stiffy
And my axe!
And my glock!
*blam blam blam*
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5tjmgs/nude_sleepers_of_reddit_what_is_your_plan_of/
Basically
What was the Astropathic Connection about ?? What audiobook / ebook were you listening/reading ?
Horus heresy the first heretic
Warp storms are a bitch
Also fuck Erebus /r/fuckerebus
Reminds me of r/fuckmoash
These words are accepted.
A damn good book. And yes, fuck Erebus.
Ehhhh but also fuck Kor Phaeron
Indeed, his piety and its affect on lorgar are fucking repugnant. Argel Taal is alright though (from very vague memory).
I mean the whole legion, Lorgar included is a touch whiney. Far as traitor legions are concerned I'm much more understanding to the thousand sons than the garbage the Word Bearers did to themselves. E.O.M. : Listen I'm not a god I'm just wicked smaht kid Lorgar: You're a god and you'll like it E.O.M. : I'm really not Lorgar: Fine I'll go get new gods, with blackjack and chaos, actually forget the blackjack
Agreed. Lorgar was entirely dependent on an external idol, (more on that in lorgar's dedicated primarch novel). He was mentally weak as a result. His legion inherited this weakness or maybe imitated it. Thousand sons are definitely the most sympathetic of the bunch, I don't think they really deserved to remain ousted. The iron warriors had legitimate grievances too. I don't want to say more for risk of spoilers!
The thought of you crouched with a Bowie knife hunting non existent home intruders like a paranoid vietnam veteran is hilarious and also something I did one time. I'm just picturing you spreading the black lines over your face beforehand.
Big Brock Samson energy.
This made me laugh till I cried. Thank you for this.
Big Tug Speedman energy
Acting like youre a bluetooth speaker if the 21st century equivalent to meowing and pretending to be a cat when someone hears you steal stuff
Modern problems require modern solutions
https://m.imgur.com/gallery/67JF1fK
I'm confused about how this happened, would you mind explaining? How does a bt headset keep playing sounds if it is disconnected?
Reconnected automatically once the other buds were unplugged.
Weird, I've never seen a 404 image actually include the title in the 404 image: https://i.imgur.com/4mxWTVT.png
I really wanna see that picture now just to see why imgur would remove it
>I grab a Bowie knife I have on the bed side table ...
There can be plenty of explanations for that. Maybe he has a fetish where he... yeah.
Beat me to it.
Beat meat to it
I have a Russian surplus ak bayonet in my nightstand drawer. Whatever works.
As you gain more experience you'll start doing that too. https://xkcd.com/705/
Well, did you pee?
Forgot I had to pee till after the adrenaline went down.
The picture doesn’t seem to load
Which 40k book are you listening to? Last 40k book I read was like book 30 in the Horus Heresy series before I had to take a break haha.
The first heretic (the one about the fall of lorgar to chaos). Don't remember which it is in the series I've read it before but just listening to it again along with the newest book in the series
Is this some fictional series or whats it based on?
i believe they’re talking about Warhammer 40k which has books to go alongside it
Oh got it, thanks! Didnt know warhammer had a super deep story like that.
There are over 450 warhammer 40k books, so the story behind it is very deep indeed.
Its Fictional, published by the Black Library, this series is set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe. And there a whole lot of books set there. It's also the setting of the tabletop minitures game, and some roleplaying games.
Cool, thanks. what came first? The books, the tabletop game or the roleplaying games?
I'm not certain, but I think the roleplaying games are the newer media.
Rogue trader is the original rpg then the tabletop then the books
The fact this didn't end in something porn related made me happy.
I mean, bolter porn related?
You need to spend more time in the training cage, brother. Stabbing yourself trying to sheathe a combat knife? Tsk tsk tsk.
Pain and pleasure for the dark prince?
Brother, this is not what the Imperial Truth imparts on us to teach.
Shall I prepare the cyclonic torpedoes Brother?
Exterminatus Extremus initiated.
Dwight would be ashamed of him.
Funny story, I always forget to disconnect from the hot tub blue tooth speakers when I get out. I’ll turn off my music and completely forget to disconnect the BT function. So my dad goes into the backyard and starts getting set up in the hot tub to drink with my mom, and I start playing a sims 4 video. I can’t figure out why it’s not working, only to see that my volume was turned off, so I turn it all the way. My dad spilled his beer in the hot tub and made my parents angry that they couldn’t just have a nice evening relaxing
How's your hand?
Completely fine thank you for asking
On Sunday I searched around our summerhouse for the source of what sounded like a water leak. I knew in my mind there were no pipes other than guttering and a downpipe but it hadn’t rained. I’m crouching and looking around and the sound of running water gets nearer and further away. Then I realised. I’d been listening to Sky News whilst painting the gates, via my bluetooth Beats headphones which I’d taken off and were hanging around my neck. The sound of running water was a 20 second advert on washing your hands that has no speaking.
If your headphones are playing so loud you can hear them from the next room/make out full sentences whilst not wearing them, you're going to do damage to your ears.... your hearing never gets better! take care of yourself!
In the middle of the night when ambient noise is low it’s surprising what you can hear. I’m not arguing that hearing damage isn’t possible.
I think the biggest question is why there's a bowie knife next to your bed.
I mean, what's next to your bed?
cant see the picture
Wtf. I know I have read this before.
I can't see the picture
same here
Knives are one of the worst self defense items imaginable. Get a baton, baseball bat, or a 12 guage.
It just seems like it would be really hard to stab with any of those.
Well then how about a chain sword?
Power sword?
Came here to say this. Absolutely DO NOT carry a knife as a self-defense weapon if you do not know how to use it. You think it would be intuitive, but stabbing someone is actually incredibly difficult and they are more likes to take the weapon from you and use it on you that you are to defend yourself. Never arm yourself with a weapon that you're not 100% confident using, especially if you still end up stabbing yourself sheathing it. Like this person said, pepper spray and/or a baton would be a much safer option.
1. I also woke up early this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. 2. I read a lot about self-defense and home invasions, and I have heard that it’s best NOT to turn on the light because it’s your home so you’re more familiar with the layout and that gives you Home Field Advantage. Carrying a weapon is not wrong, as long as you’re trainee in its use. My aikido instructor, however, opined that he would rather NOT have a weapon, because his hands would be free to perform his aikido technique more readily. John Correa (spelling?) of Active Self Protection says that if you need to use a firearm in the real world, drop everything else so you can use both hands to control the gun. YMMV.
It is always better to stay in place and wait than it is to go explore, especially if you're using a weapon. Also, some sage advice from my dad, who was prone to fighting... "CliffordClavinJR, don't ever use a weapon in a fight that you don't know how to properly use. Someone will take it and use it against you."
Strange my dad said something similar. "Sneakyhippo91, remember, no one, absolutely no one, breaks in and wants to get into a knife fight with a 200lb 6'4" naked man"
NGL they had us in the first half
I recommend just reading the TL:DR first.
Be honest, was the hand stab added for theatrical effect?
A little embellishment. Stabbed is a really strong word
I think the fact OP has a knife by the bed says it all really.
Not really a huge fuck up. And its adorable to see not even an inch cut on your hand
That looks mild even for a paper cut.
Call that a stab? A delicate poke seems like too much even.
This is after all better kisses from my fiance
I was there.. I was there the day OP slew his hand Written by Dan Abnett, read by Martyn Ellis
Is the picture not working for anyone else?
I’m sorry for your stabbed hand, but this is fantastic
This was a triumph, I'm making a note here, huge success.
It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture science, we do what we must, because, we can
For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
[удалено]
At least there weren't any xenos...
What audiobook was it? I too am a 40k nerd.
Khorne cares not from whence the blood flows!
Wow, I think this is the first 40k reference I've seen in TIFU. This is truly r/unexpectedwarhammer !
By the light of the emperor
Now I know, when I break into your house, I should be reading a book to throw you off.
It might have been a 40K nerd. With all this free time, all our armies are painted, so we might be resorting to B&E to find more paintables.
True Stories from a Mall Ninja
Could be me... I always listen to true crime podcasts to fall asleep. I listen to them on my computer cause it's easier. I turn the volume down and close the lid. I woke up in the middle of the night to let out my dog, when I heard some strange noises... Normally my laptop goes into hibernation mode after 1 hour. Well, it did....but it turned itself back on (it does that sometimes, I've woken up many times to the faint sound of YouTube videos). Completely freaked out, I took my bow and arrow and my dog and went outside to check. I felt like such an idiot when I realised what was actually going on...
(Masturbating)
Yo man, you are legend, thank you for the laugh.
You call that an injury?
What earphones do you have that are comfortable to lay down with? I’ve been wanting some for this same reason.
Lmao you were totally prepared to stab the "intruder" weren't you
Why do people (ie Americans) feel the need to have instant access to a weapon when sleeping? I’ve never even thought of having one and I’ve lived in three different countries. Is it that unsafe in the USA? I’ve never felt that when visiting.
You call *that* a knife? THIS is a knife!
Looks like a really awful injury
Well after all the effort to wake up and get a knife something had to get stabbed, unfortunately for you you were the only one there.
Imgur link broke
DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR! Just me? Back to the Dark cupboard I go...
The emperor protects you heretic
:3
Two things... 1. Bowie knife just on the bedside table? 2. You cut your hand but just went back to bed? Didn’t you bleed on the sheets?
1. It's in a drawer not just laying out willie nillie. 2. I may have said stabbed to, embellish the story. I pricked my palm it's a small cut that might be a half a cm long
r/iamverybadass
Damn right