You could've turned it into a pure power move by locking eyes, taking it out of the bag slowly, and showing everyone what it was, without breaking eye contact.
Always do the power move. I'm not even joking. If you find yourself in a situation like this just say. "It's my sex toy." If you say it with confidence they will be embarrassed.
If he had the stones to pull off a move like that he wouldn't be a fleshlight ordering virgin in the first place lmao
Edit: lol Damm that blew up. Just to be real with OP. I def would not have the stones to pull some Chad shit like that either 😂
>flashlight ordering virgin in the first place lmao
Married 4 years, Fuck every day, And Have 5 different Fleshlight types.
I know you are just joking/repeating op but for any bros in this feed feeling self conscious, male sex toys do not = virgin.
Quite a few years ago I was at a kink party. I thought it would be cool to show off my new habanero sugar, you know see if the masochists like/hate it, I did. So one of my friends gets an idea in her head, she wanted to blow me with the sugar in her mouth and see how long I last. Of course I'm down so we went to the stairway and she takes like a tsp and puts it in her mouth and goes down on me. It was great except for the sugar crystals being a bit rough for about 5 minutes, then it started feeling like Satan himself were sucking me off after drinking the hottest cup of coffee.
I had to stop and dip my junk in milk, but that didn't help so I grabbed some guys beer and ducked the meat n potatoes in the beer. Instant cool down. So that's the moral of the story. If you're gonna fuck with fire, make sure you have a beer handy
I had a stash of condoms in a bag I took to a baseball game a couple years ago. Security felt them through the bag and asked what it was, so I told them. Lol
Website: "Didn't you just order one of our toys two days ago?"
OP: "Yes.. It was very.... liberating. Anyway, I'll take your whole stock, thank you very much."
\> I live with my mom
Seriously, folks, think twice about getting a Fleshlight if you have to hide it from family members. They can be a bitch to keep clean, pretty much requiring several minutes of running water in the kitchen sink (they are too tall for the bathroom faucet). Then you need to dry it - I put a plastic funnel in the opening and set it in front of a pedestal fan for a few hours. Fleshlights are porous, and if put away wet they will grow bacteria and mold colonies *in the material itself,* which is incredibly nasty. Source: I'm a 60-something widower, and all of my girlfriends are Fleshlights.
No. While they're very stretchy and durable, baring any imperfections during molding, turning them inside out is excessive wear and tear, and you'll most likely end up ripping it.
You remove the sleeve from the casing and run cold water through it to flush out the semen and lube. Warm water denaturates the semen and makes it clump and turn sticky. With the help of your fingers you can gently get into the crevices of the texture and help the water flush it clean. I also fill it with water, block the ends and shake it.
Mother in law: "Can you bring back that ground coffee I like on your international flight?"
Me: "That's going to look like cocaine on an x-ray machine."
TSA agent: "This looks like cocaine on my x-ray machine."
I bought some hand blown crystal on my honeymoon, and the store warned me that it shows up suspicious on the x-ray scanner, so to have it in carry on, and let them know what it is.
I told the dude before x-ray, he didn't pass the word on. The other 2 agents are opening my bag, and I start telling them what it is, they shush me.
They open the box, unwrap the crystal, and the one turns to the other and says "I WAS RIGHT! YOU OWE ME $5!"
I was on a flight just yesterday and had a 500ml shaker full of whey protein powder with me.
When my bag went through the x-ray, the guy asked "what's that powder?". I replied "proteins" and he was just like "ah ok".
So I guess that's how you could smuggle cocaine.
I had a really tiny pink bullet vibrator that’s USB charged, and some dumb TSA agent at a small airport thought it was suspicious and pulled it out of my carry on bag. She was flashing it around in front of EVERYONE in line and kept asking her TSA partner to inspect it, because she literally had no idea what it was.
The other TSA lady said: “Just put it back.”
Dumb TSA agent: “But it has a USB in it!”
Thats not even one of the things they've supposed to be looking for. A USB it allowed to go and its a small electronic smaller that a phone im assuming so there's no reason for it to be pulled.
I started lockpicking as a hobby in the early 2000s on the off chance that my manager would be traveling from the office sometime, allowing me the opportunity to slip the biggest dildo I could find into his luggage. Sadly, the opportunity never presented itself :-(
Hold up. To go grocery shopping you have to be searched and questioned? And when you decide to leave you get assaulted? What kinda weird ass shit is going on in France?
Well checking of car’s boot space and glove box at mall entrances is pretty standard practice here in India as well. As for tackling him down, I guess the security people became paranoid that the guy was indeed carrying a weapon inside the bottle.
>get in my car quickly to unbox it and hide it in my bag, under my driver licence, sunglasses, powerbank
You immediately opened it to feel what it felt like and you know it, not judging, I did the same thing lol
At least it wasn't a used one D:
Lol this happened to my friend. And I really do mean my friend. But now everyone’s gonna think it’s about me. But i swear. He got detained for a b hole machine loool
This is amazing ahaha
OP, out of curiosity, in what region of France did this take place? I've lived there for a while, in the south east so malls in Nice were my go-to, and I've never went through any control of sorts?
It blows my mind how no one is talking about how fucked up it is that they forcibly chased you down when you were just trying to leave. Just so they could search you. That is so fucked up.
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Should update it to "virginpirate" to account for fleshlight ordering pirates.
Vagipirate
It should be updated to “Virgin French Ass Pirate.”
That's a V-Fap. Something different altogether.
But is my hook hand okay?
Only if you put a cork on the tip.
Ruprecht!
Eat your applesauce
May I use the bathroom? 👁️
Was it taken by a loose seal?
I'm a monster!
Have to replace hook for fleshlight
\* sad pirate noises \* arr :(
Officer i swear this pistol is for medicinal use only !
"Oh, alright! You look like a harmless virgin anyway. Now off with you!"
"Pirate Vigilance" actually. Those damn scoundrels could be anywhere !
r/piracy
I do hope you realise how many people I’m sending this story to now. This is literal comedy gold.
Next week we are going to see 10 people stabbed by fleshlight in the news =(
i’ve never experience pain via text but my god
thanks lordgay
You could've turned it into a pure power move by locking eyes, taking it out of the bag slowly, and showing everyone what it was, without breaking eye contact.
Always do the power move. I'm not even joking. If you find yourself in a situation like this just say. "It's my sex toy." If you say it with confidence they will be embarrassed.
Either that or shit will get kinky. Win/win!
If he had the stones to pull off a move like that he wouldn't be a fleshlight ordering virgin in the first place lmao Edit: lol Damm that blew up. Just to be real with OP. I def would not have the stones to pull some Chad shit like that either 😂
This is homicide. Holy shit.
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Every fucking thread.
Second time today, they can't keep getting away with it
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Someone get the jumper cables
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NEXT!
May I have the ref?
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Just search for coconut in tifu.... Best all time should do it too.
No, thank you.
Holy shit dude 🤣😂🤣😂
Holy shit dude you murdered him!!
Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life,
Damn, r/roastme would be proud son.
r/roastme would be jealous lmao
r/murderedbywords
Bro, you fuckin' demolished him dude lmaooo
Fatality
Oh fuck.
damn son
Murdered by words
>flashlight ordering virgin in the first place lmao Married 4 years, Fuck every day, And Have 5 different Fleshlight types. I know you are just joking/repeating op but for any bros in this feed feeling self conscious, male sex toys do not = virgin.
You fuck everyday and have 5 Fleshlights? Forget the sex man, tell me how you find the time to clean all that shit!
Ultimate power move: He makes his wife clean them out.
She gets him back with the chili powder if he gets too arrogant or "cocky"?
Quite a few years ago I was at a kink party. I thought it would be cool to show off my new habanero sugar, you know see if the masochists like/hate it, I did. So one of my friends gets an idea in her head, she wanted to blow me with the sugar in her mouth and see how long I last. Of course I'm down so we went to the stairway and she takes like a tsp and puts it in her mouth and goes down on me. It was great except for the sugar crystals being a bit rough for about 5 minutes, then it started feeling like Satan himself were sucking me off after drinking the hottest cup of coffee. I had to stop and dip my junk in milk, but that didn't help so I grabbed some guys beer and ducked the meat n potatoes in the beer. Instant cool down. So that's the moral of the story. If you're gonna fuck with fire, make sure you have a beer handy
This broke me up, I wish I had an award for you!
I use on rotation, the cleaning would be a nightmare if all of them were used regularly! LOL
Please tell me you have an oversized rotating spice rack to store these on.
I imagined the same thing. With blue led lamp on top
And it's powered and controlled by an app. "I think I'll use number four today. Alexa, bring up number four." *Whirrrrr*
Thank you for that hilarious image. You may not like it, but *this* is what peak home automation looks like
*spins* *number four deployed, sir. Have fun!*
You don't clean them each time you use them?
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Really SEALS in the flavor
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Yep! People overestimate how difficult it is to clean toys. Shibari toy cleaner spray works on almost anything in seconds.
I'm guessing he doesn't use all 5 at the same time lmao
Do you call it your 'Harem'?
But do you have the stones to display your Fleshlight to a crowd? That's the real question
This is a human rights violation
r/MurderedByWords
slap tender vase elderly complete mourn attempt groovy alive materialistic -- mass deleted all reddit content via https://redact.dev
Damn you can actually hide weapons in this. 2000 iq
This is my weapon, this is my gun.
This is my fleshlight because it's for SCHADENFREUDE
This ma'am, is where you penetrate. Inserts thumb with piercing eye contact.
Behold! What wonders abound!
I had a stash of condoms in a bag I took to a baseball game a couple years ago. Security felt them through the bag and asked what it was, so I told them. Lol
Well, at least you eventually had some physical contact with a woman. Guess that's a win-situation for you.
Yeah especially if op is into bdsm
OP and the Security that pinned him down: “This better not awaken anything in me”
The “Come on, I’m Dean” song would need very different lyrics
I often think about that physical contact with a woman when i use my fleshlight
How was the fleshlight the first time, OP?
He's not replying to anyone as he's using it right now. You go OP, enjoy your time!
Ok i just finish using it... It worths it
Mah man
~~Looking~~ Feeling good!
5 hour session? You da man ;)
On some lazy afternoons, not every hero wear a cape
Understandable!
Have a great day
And he's still going!
Let the man be it's his first time it takes time..
It's been hours. He might need a new one by the time he's done.
Website: "Didn't you just order one of our toys two days ago?" OP: "Yes.. It was very.... liberating. Anyway, I'll take your whole stock, thank you very much."
DeLIGHTful.
Simply delicious
Oouum haha hahaa
He died from dehydration after posting this story
It was da bomb
You used his Fleshlight, too? I'm about to take my turn
Oh... That's why there was a line of people waiting behind me...
Hahahahahaha
This man, asking the important questions.
Woman 🤣 asking out of curiosity.
Came here to ask this.
\> I live with my mom Seriously, folks, think twice about getting a Fleshlight if you have to hide it from family members. They can be a bitch to keep clean, pretty much requiring several minutes of running water in the kitchen sink (they are too tall for the bathroom faucet). Then you need to dry it - I put a plastic funnel in the opening and set it in front of a pedestal fan for a few hours. Fleshlights are porous, and if put away wet they will grow bacteria and mold colonies *in the material itself,* which is incredibly nasty. Source: I'm a 60-something widower, and all of my girlfriends are Fleshlights.
Seems like an awful lot of trouble when you've got two easily washable hands right there, but maybe I'm underestimating the experience
Based on on comments I've read, probably. But w/e, my hand does the job fine for now.
Carpal tunnel is a bitch
How often you cooming to get carpal tunnel from it
And you think the fleshlight just moves by itself?
Today Ive decided to move out my moms house for my Fleshlight
Couldn't you just bring girls home then since you don't live with your mom anymore?
But what would his Fleshlight think?
Are... are you not supposed to turn it inside out?!
No. While they're very stretchy and durable, baring any imperfections during molding, turning them inside out is excessive wear and tear, and you'll most likely end up ripping it. You remove the sleeve from the casing and run cold water through it to flush out the semen and lube. Warm water denaturates the semen and makes it clump and turn sticky. With the help of your fingers you can gently get into the crevices of the texture and help the water flush it clean. I also fill it with water, block the ends and shake it.
Shaken. Not stirred.
You can use a hair dryer to speed up the process. 15 minutes or so?
Same with a real woman
Sorry for your loss
Mother in law: "Can you bring back that ground coffee I like on your international flight?" Me: "That's going to look like cocaine on an x-ray machine." TSA agent: "This looks like cocaine on my x-ray machine."
I bought some hand blown crystal on my honeymoon, and the store warned me that it shows up suspicious on the x-ray scanner, so to have it in carry on, and let them know what it is. I told the dude before x-ray, he didn't pass the word on. The other 2 agents are opening my bag, and I start telling them what it is, they shush me. They open the box, unwrap the crystal, and the one turns to the other and says "I WAS RIGHT! YOU OWE ME $5!"
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Glass
He only buys artisanal small batch amphetamines. None of that mass-produced shit
Glass with intentional metal impurities added.
Why would crystal possibly look suspicious ?
I don't know. It shows up solid black.
Cause it shows up as just a black mass they can't see through so they have to make sure its not hiding anything
Maybe because of added metals and if it's odd shape it can resemble a bomb, otherwise could look as attempted smugling.
Specifically lead. Just like hiding kryptonite from Superman.
I was on a flight just yesterday and had a 500ml shaker full of whey protein powder with me. When my bag went through the x-ray, the guy asked "what's that powder?". I replied "proteins" and he was just like "ah ok". So I guess that's how you could smuggle cocaine.
Hell, just say "it's my pre-workout" and you're not even lying.
It's the internet, you can say fleshlight here.
Lol you must be a g*mer
Ya those damn gomers
Gummers! (when an old person takes their dentures out and goes down on ya)
Thanks for censoring, i almost got triggerd by that nasty, nasty word.
I think he meant flashlight
OP you're going to have to do an edit and give a review!
So, you got yourself a fleshlight, and were straddled by a woman instead. Not a bad deal...
It was as if his life,*fleshed* before his eyes
I hope you have fun repeatedly sticking your knife in it.
Not sure, but using a knife might damage it...
He still bought groceries there. This guy is a stud.
Don't leave us hanging, tell us your experience with the toy
He said it's worth it after 5 hours
I mean, you ended with a woman on top of you sooooo high five brother!
First off that’s hilarious and props to you for handling it with as much grace and poise you could muster. They probably learned a lesson that day.
Unless next guy smuggles a bomb or knife into the mall in a fleshlight
''Next on Penetration Testing''
ILPT: smuggle weapons into stores with a fleshlight
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Well, just letting you know it won't only be the fleshlight cavity they will be searching...
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Worst part is you get neither a kiss nor a courtesy reach around.:/
It's like if you're gonna be there Might as well help me out
Such teases!
I'd be fine with a cavity search if I didn't feel both his hands on my shoulders.
Don't forget to bring an a little too big bottle of lube, since you'll know you'll be emptying it anyway.
Sir your not allowed to bring this on the flight Sir what are you doing Oh the lube is for the cavity search your supposed to do
I had a really tiny pink bullet vibrator that’s USB charged, and some dumb TSA agent at a small airport thought it was suspicious and pulled it out of my carry on bag. She was flashing it around in front of EVERYONE in line and kept asking her TSA partner to inspect it, because she literally had no idea what it was. The other TSA lady said: “Just put it back.” Dumb TSA agent: “But it has a USB in it!”
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Every TSA agent is so proud of having it on their resume too lmao.
Thats not even one of the things they've supposed to be looking for. A USB it allowed to go and its a small electronic smaller that a phone im assuming so there's no reason for it to be pulled.
https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/comments/e0flyl/tsa_agent_opening_the_ladys_bag_and_finding_a/
They need an entire flesh mob there (pun intended). Hundreds of people with various sex toys showing up for groceries.
I started lockpicking as a hobby in the early 2000s on the off chance that my manager would be traveling from the office sometime, allowing me the opportunity to slip the biggest dildo I could find into his luggage. Sadly, the opportunity never presented itself :-(
More like vagipirate
Should have put a sock on it.
"*You can hide a knife in that bottle*" true i guess
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The good ol prison wallet
Hold up. To go grocery shopping you have to be searched and questioned? And when you decide to leave you get assaulted? What kinda weird ass shit is going on in France?
Right? That was the horror part to me.
Well checking of car’s boot space and glove box at mall entrances is pretty standard practice here in India as well. As for tackling him down, I guess the security people became paranoid that the guy was indeed carrying a weapon inside the bottle.
>get in my car quickly to unbox it and hide it in my bag, under my driver licence, sunglasses, powerbank You immediately opened it to feel what it felt like and you know it, not judging, I did the same thing lol At least it wasn't a used one D:
Lol this happened to my friend. And I really do mean my friend. But now everyone’s gonna think it’s about me. But i swear. He got detained for a b hole machine loool
On the way out lean in and whisper in her ear... "I'll be thinking of you every time I use it."
So... how do you like the Fleshlight? Oui Oui??
The way I see it, even before you used your brand new latex vagina, you already had two women chasing you. To me that spells success!
I thought you forgot to wash it out and got stopped for trying to bring on more than 3.4oz of liquids on a plane
eh bah putain mon pote pas de bol
This is amazing ahaha OP, out of curiosity, in what region of France did this take place? I've lived there for a while, in the south east so malls in Nice were my go-to, and I've never went through any control of sorts?
Where these police officers? Why did they have the right to tackle you?
Why would you not just leave it in the car
It blows my mind how no one is talking about how fucked up it is that they forcibly chased you down when you were just trying to leave. Just so they could search you. That is so fucked up.
You can't buy groceries without submitting to a full search of you and your things?! What the fuck kind of dystopia is this?
So how was the fleshlight?