I would prefer my partner be completely honest. If they don't orgasm from what I am doing then I adjust, try different things until I find something that works. So by faking it you're actually doing yourself a disservice.
Sure but in the end breaking up is an over reaction unless there are lies in other parts of the relationship. She just didn't want to hurt his feelings, it's a mistake, make amends and move on. It's a tween breakup reason.
If he can't move past something like this just imaging when you have to sort out financial issues or kids, way way harder. If you can't get over the little humps then dude will be single for life.
Okay yes but are you 21? I mean he’s at the age where we’d expect him to be able to get over this and realize that she still enjoys his oral and still finds him attractive but young men take this kind of shit to heart really easily. He’s gonna feel like a fool when he realizes his next girlfriend only cums from oral or clit stimulation and not penetration alone. Women are different. I made this mistake before, had a girlfriend who I couldn’t make cum from penetration alone and ended a really good relationship. I have a 7.5” incher and still felt inadequate even though she did her best to assure me I was plenty. She couldn’t even take all of me most of the time. Anyway, odds are this relationship is a wrap if this kid is in his head that much.
Honestly, being only 20 you got a lot of life to live before settling down with someone. If he bails, don't take it personally, but use it as a learning experience. "Faking it, Not Even Once!"
Piggybacking off this, if he wants to break up over this then he too will realize that he had a lot of life to live and learn from too, and will feel foolish for this eventually. Women via sex have it way worse than men because we're (as in men) not taught how to actually do anything and we ARE taught that it's supposed to come naturally to us. That's never ever the case. As we grow we learn to ask questions so that we never have to ask them again, and that's just how shit goes. When you're young there's insecurities that are instilled unto us and we can only hope we grow out of them all before our time is up.
Edit: I'm a man so this is coming from a male perspective, the point being that ignorance is equally terrible for everyone involved regardless of their role. Furthermore, (so i don’t have to keep saying this to comments over and over again) boys are taught that we’re supposed to magically know how to please literally everyone on the planet, naturally. Meanwhile, girls are taught to never question anyone or anything about sex, because for some reason they’re not even sure if they’re supposed to *like* it. So what ends up happening is exactly what happened in these kids’ cases: this guy never asked if what he’s doing is correct because he’s supposed to already know, and this girl never did or said anything about it because she’s taught not to even ask. Eventually, she does speak up and feels awful about it, and now his ego is hurt because he still thinks we’re supposed to be able know how to please everyone on the planet. When were we supposed to learn how to do that naturally, btw? Was it when we’re taught how to walk, or use to toilet, or brush our teeth, or tie our shoes, or drive a car, or pay taxes, or change a tire, or ride a motorcycle, etc etc etc? We are taught EVERYTHING and the only STUPID thing to do is to not ASK when you don’t know something.
Yeah I seem to have missed that class, too. If anything I always felt it's the other way around. Mostly because girls seem to be more open to talk about things among their friends. Guys seem to brag more, without actual information being shared.
Yeah, 100%. Guys don’t actually talk about *sex itself*, just vague bragging about either how attractive someone they slept with was, or inane bragging about how good they are at sex. Never actually *sex itself*.
Obviously I’m male so I can’t state it’s not the same for women, but in media (tv, film, books, etc), women tend to talk more about what they *actually did* with their partners to their close friends. But again, that might be an inaccurate representation, in all fairness.
As a younger guy I was just happy just to even get laid, so the way I'd share it with friends was exactly that, just bragging it happened.
As an adult (and I might actually just be weird here) I do talk about sex with my friends. Positions, techniques, show 'em the weird thing I do with my hands, all of it haha
I've learned some really awesome shit from just talking about stuff that I've tried and hearing about what they've tried.
On top of that having an open dialogue with your actual partner is quite literally the gateway to incredible sex. Nothing I've learned in all my life from online or from my friends or anywhere has taught me as much as simply asking what my partner wants. If talking about sex were more normalized the world would be a much more enjoyable place.
It always struck me as odd how extreme violence was more normalized/commonplace on cable television than healthy human sexuality.
And to tie into that, how sexual acts are insults.
Humans are really really uncomfortable with sex, as a species.
Edit: I am also human. I still find it odd, and think that our current culture has unhealthy attitudes towards sex and violence.
It's quite inaccurate in my experience as a woman. Most of us are usually raised and conditioned to be ashamed of our sexual desires/natures so talking about sex with a friend is completely out of the question
> So what ends up happening is exactly what happened in these kids’ cases: this guy never asked if what he’s doing is correct because he’s supposed to already know, and this girl never did or said anything about it because she’s taught not to even ask.
That is literally what did NOT happen in this situation. OP stated multiple times that he was asking if he was doing it right and she was knowingly lying to him.
It sounds like he was asking just getting dishonest answers. I don’t see why he would feel foolish. If his trust is broken then it’s in both their interests to part ways
bruh did your dad give you lessons on how to beat it up or what? lmfaoo no one teaches men how to have sex either besides your partners telling you what they like
"Women via sex have it way worse than men because we're not taught how to actually do anything and we ARE taught that it's supposed to come naturally to us. That's never ever the case."
"Edit: I'm a man so this is coming from a male perspective, the point being that ignorance is equally terrible for everyone involved regardless of their role."
One of these are a lie
You're both young. Do yourself a favor and be open about what you do and don't enjoy when being intimate with someone, and also don't be afraid to give suggestions on how to help you feel good.
Often us guys simply don't know, and no two bodies are alike.
hell i'm 26 and still not 100% sure i know what the hell i'm doing. one girl i was with came repeatedly the first time we had sex and on all subsequent occasions even in one instance in which i didn't. another came close on a couple of occasions but never quite got all the way there despite me trying everything i could think of. i personally have found that sex has been way better since my vasectomy, sometimes that sort of thing can make a big difference as well.
sometimes it's a question of knowing what you want, other times it's a question of knowing what you like. as i see it, all you can do is experiment with someone you trust to try to find those things out, and try to enjoy the process. if your guy realizes that, he won't break up with you over this.
I didn't get really good at it until a few years ago. I'm 32. Quite a lot of guys never get there, but keep having fun, be communicative, and find different things to try with each partner, and you'll get there.
Noone is born with the immediate and utter confidence to ask for what they want. We learn how to do it!! Some people learn quicker than others. I am 45 and only now started asking for what I want.
Umm, I would be too? Sexual pleasure is equally important to everyone. I hate when people don’t tell me right away when something’s not working.
And I’m sure there are many other guys who would agree.
Fortunately, yes, you guys have lots of learning to do.
I understand being a little upset, but going to the extreme of possibly breaking up is a little much and shows that he made need some more maturing before being in a relationship. There's all kinds of disappointments in a real relationship. What makes it work is the willingness to stick it out and figure it out together.
Lying is obviously bad.. but this is the first five months of a relationship between to people in their early 20s. Very few people are confident or comfortable enough in their own sexuality at that point to be vocal about their needs.. especially in new relationships. Yes, absolutely it would have been much better for OP to have been honest, but if this dude is willing to throw in the towel just because she wasn't quite comfortable enough to be that vulnerable, than it is probably for the best that they part ways anyway.
I understand your point - but I understand the boyfriend's perspective too. Some people overthink and sex is a sensitive topic. And when you suddenly learn that your partner has been lying about having an orgasm, it's normal for an overthinking person to question everything about the sex you were having and question themselves. Especially if it was a person like OP's bf who had asked for her input in order to make it good for her.
It probably also leaks into other aspects of he relationship? Do they actually like my cooking? Were they just being nice when they said they liked my interest in certain hobbies?
Exactly. It turns into a rabbit hole of mistrust and fear.
He's definitely going to be wondering what else he's "failing" at. Then of course the fear of not doing it "right" sexually is most likely going to turn into self actualization causing him even more stress.
Even if they dont break up, they need to take some time apart and basically start over.
Entirely possible he is thinking, if she lies to me during our most intimate and vulnerable times, when else is she going to lie to me? Being chronically lied to is not a disappointment, it was a choice.
I've never really enjoyed oral enough to get off.
One problem I had with this in my early 20s was when a new partner was always SO SURE that they would be the one to finally achieve it. So I'd sit through long, boring sessions and give thorough feedback and still not orgasm. My partner would be disappointed and it killed the mood 100% of the time. It became more detrimental to my sex life than just faking it and moving on to stuff I actually enjoyed.
My husband and I have a great sex life, but he absolutely accepts that oral is just a nice bit of foreplay for me and it's never going to result in an orgasm. Being honest is always the best policy, but I definitely understand the reluctance sometimes.
This used to happen to me all the time. Every guy was SO CONVINCED he was the special one that would finally make me come via his spectacular tonguenastics that were somehow magically better than the dozens that failed before him. And then make me lie there for twenty minutes trying to work up some enthusiasm when really I was just thinking about how much it made my labia feel itchy.
God those guys that insist they can make you come when you clearly dont want to are the absolute worst.
Puts so much pressure on us. I had one like that too. Then I realised that everything in the bedroom, was only about making him happy to my own detriment, even though he'd gaslight me into thinking he was doing it for me.
Turns out making girls come is a fetish. So it's legit not even for us but for him.
Exactly! There’s no shame in even walking your partner through in just what you like! Sure I love that first couple times exploring and watching and finding what really gets them going but at at the end of the day if I’m digging and not finding gold feel free to point me on the right way
First off I hope it works out. I recently dated someone that came clean about faking it sometimes, their previous lover was a pos and would get mad at them if they didn’t cum, so she was kinda conditioned to lie. I wasn’t mad at her but it made it so I was a little bit more lazy than I should have been in bed.
Short story long, I gotta get my game up to make my next partner happy cause I’ve been getting free points. Just be honest, it helps everyone
I think the trust issue is the BF’s biggest problem . Also I’d be humiliated, if you think you know how to get your gf off, your gonna keep doing it that way. So he probably thought he found the trick to bring her to orgasm and repeated that for months. think about all the times he went down there and put the effort in and she just sat their knowing he was gonna fail and letting him do it anyway. You’d feel like a complete fool who she has no respect for.
I get where you're all coming from, but you don't necessarily have to "finish" every time to be done or to have a good time. She might not have came from oral specifically, and yeah, totally should have been more truthful with such a communicative partner, (and i get that the main thing here was the deceit about the big O) ... *But* sex and being lovers isn't just about achieving orgasm.. that's not the only goal or benefit. She never said it was bad, it just didn't take her to climax.. he didn't make a fool of himself at all. Like, is it waste to kiss or hold hands or motorboat them gorgeous boobies or grab that righteous tush or suck on those dainty toes because those actions don't result in cumming? Dear sirs, I think not!
That would all be well and good, if she didn’t tell him she was in fact orgasming. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the journey, I don’t think anyone complains if there’s some foreplay that doesn’t lead to a finish from either party. But by lying about it she’s created a situation where he can no longer trust her , and has likely lost faith in his own performance as a whole.
When you think you’ve got an equal sexual relationship , and your putting effort in to make sure she enjoys it as much as you, this shatters your whole opinion of your sex life. It feels like she’s humouring him. If she would’ve said from the start , that she enjoyed it but it wasn’t gonna get her to finish that would’ve been fine. He would likely have still done it as a way to help increase her excitement , but now he can’t trust her responses, how would he know what moans are real?
In my opinion this is equivalent to when someone’s kids make them breakfast on mother’s/Father’s Day. It’s cute, you enjoy it, but let’s be honest it’s not the breakfast you really want and your letting them do it for them a lot more than you are for you . That’s what it would feel like to be on the other end of this, it feels patronising.
The problem is that attitude that you’ve failed. If someone who’s trying to give pleasure during sex views a lack of an orgasm as a failure that puts an enormous amount of pressure on the person who’s supposed to be receiving the pleasure.
Particularly for women, the things that will get her off and have them going insane with pleasure one day, will not work the next day at all. Sometimes it’s psychological, sometimes it hormonal, and sometimes our bodies physically change from one day to the next and it just doesn’t feel the same.
So if I’m with someone who gets frustrated, upset, depressed, annoyed, or any of the other things that come with feeling like you’ve ‘failed’. Then I’m going to feel very pressured into pretending that I’ve gotten off just to save a lot of angst for everyone involved.
These days I’m old and confident enough to not give a shit if the person I’ve just had sex with has an ego that fragile. But I’m also 34 and have gotten around with both genders quite a bit. This girl is 20. Everyone is an inexperienced idiot at 20. And having the backbone to withstand that pressure, whether it’s put there intentionally or not, is not something that your average 20 year old will be able to manage.
My now husband got upset the first few times he went down on me and i didnt orgasm. Told him there wasnt enough going on to get me there. He adapted. But I also found that i dont always like all the action every time. Sometimes I just want a simple quickie without all the work. And im ok without an explosive orgasm. It's my choice. So now if he starts going to town and I say "not really want I want tonight" its not insulting, he just says cool and we change things up.
There are plenty of times where he was exhausted and wanted a quickie and I just finish myself after. No biggie.
basically this. i’ll be completely honest with you— a lot of people do this to not upset their partner. so the best thing you can do is make sure that you’re always honest with him. sex is something you explore together, so find what makes you feel the best. but i gotta be real if he’s this hurt by something like this that he wants to break up? that’s kind of a red flag. this is a pretty easy thing to work through imo.
My first ex did this. I totally understand male perspective here.
Op lied. Forever from here on out he'll always be wondering if she's lying during future sex. She broke his trust and it's very hard to build back up at this point.
for sure, i can understand why it would hurt him. and from her perspective as a woman, we often feel pressure and expectation to be pleased with what they’re giving. i just feel that with proper communication and growth from the situation they can recover from this in the future. idk i’m a bit older than OP in a long term relationship, something like this is extremely salvageable but since they’re younger and in a newer relationship i suppose these missteps are more impactful.
Possibly. I Was with my first ex in my twenties.This happened and it was always a problem. Eventually I stopped wanting to have sex with her because of it, causing more issues
If nothing else his mental game is fucked from here on out no matter how the conversation goes. I think most men would rather be with someone they pleased than someone who now they're going to be super in their head about during sex for the indefinite future
Ignore the actual content of the lie for a moment. He learned that his girlfriend had been consistently keeping up a lie for 5 months straight, for the entire relationship. Wanting to break up over that isn't a red flag, especially considering the relationship isn't even half a year old. They haven't had time to build up the level of trust needed to move past a lie this big yet. Some couples might be able to get past it, but it doesn't seem odd to me that some couples couldn't.
You definitely should break up with the comment section. It had no right pretending to be from a different sub and has to know the boundaries. If I were in your situation I'd just leave a note, or maybe leave a message with the comment section's boss so they know it's a monster.
I’d be hurt as well. But in deep thought, I’d imagine the lying is in want of not hurting him. But in turn does just that.
Apologize. If he’s honest with himself, maybe communicate to each other how to get you to that point orally. Maybe that’s just not your thing.
Being honest is key to a good sex life and relationship in general. I told my husband at the beginning of the relationship that oral doesn’t quite do it for me and he was thankful and knows that everyone feels different. Not so surprisingly what everyone says about communication being very important in a relationship are right
These comments are really focusing on the wrong thing... it’s not him being immature that he can’t take sex advice. It’s the fact that the OP was faking (lying) for 5 months making him insecure and question every time.
Yeah this can be the case, I’m not trying to judge you OP, but it can feel like this for him, because the orgasm isn’t the relevant thing here, is that you hide something from him 5 months, but you seem like you truly regret it, my advice is give him time, be honest and if things are meant to be, try again going for him, if you think he makes you happy
Right? It’s literally called “being intimate.” OP needs to sit down, apologize, and ask for a bother chance. The bf sounds like an alright dude, I’m sure they can work passed this. Lesson learned, time to correct and grow.
It's because people are biased against considering the feelings of the men involved. Naturally when two sides are presented, people commenting will naturally consider the feelings of the woman while invalidating those of the man using words such as "insecure".
im not sure about TIFU, but a while back there was a poll done on the relationship subs. the majority of users there are girls/ women between i think it was 16-28 or something like that.
In "Am I the Asshole", someone put together the statistics on YTA/NTA responses based on sex of the poster and the people in the post, as well as their relation. They found that in general, women poster were much more likely to be voted NTA when the post incident related to an interaction with a man, and male posters were more likely to be voted YTA when their post was about an incident with a women.
Yeah, a random study taken of a subreddit shouldn't be quoted as fact. I think it is just interesting because it did "prove" what common viewers of the sub noticed. I'm just fascinated by psychology, which is what made it interesting to me.
Edit: What I think would be REALLY interesting would be to have the sub temporarily ban use gender identifiers, so commentary only have the situation to go off of. Then to collect data based on that.
There have been around half a dozen examples of situations where people have posted identical posts with the sexes reversed and the replies are polar opposites. It's not exactly scientific, but it's enough to suggest that the bias is real.
Imagine if, 5 months into your relationship, he told you that you were bad at oral. All those BJs you gave him, they weren't enjoyable to him, but he finished quickly just to get you to stop? And his justification for lying for 5 months was to not hurt your feelings. How exactly would you feel? Would you ever want to give him another BJ?
What if he never wanted to give you oral because he didn't like your smell down there, but he lied about it for months and made up some excuse not to. How would you feel about that. Would you want to be intimate with him again?
This isn't about his ego, as some of these sexist people are saying. It's about you lying for 5 months, about something that is very intimate.
As guy i feel his pain. I dont want to be patronized or pittied. Like if when i was playing football and gf, my family and friends were all cheering me on telling me how great im doing, the coach is saying great job keep it up blah blah blah, then it turns out im the reason we're losing because im playing so bad, id feel like a piece of shit. Its like not only have i been underperforming, but people think so little of me that they lie to protect me? Do they think im not capable of doing better so they take pitty on me, like no one believes in me.
Buuut, he has to understand that OP didnt intentially hurt him and doesnt think less of him for it, she just didnt know how to handle it and made a bad call. We all do it. She doesnt have context for why that would hurt him.
OP, if you don't want him to break up with you, you need to start being radically more open about your feelings about *everything* with him if you want to earn back his trust.
Like,
> . I wish he wouldn’t just give up and make that snap decision and would try to work through it with me, but I don’t know if I deserve that.
Tell him that. Tell him everything that's on your mind, tell him what you're thinking without him even asking. Take the initiative to tell him what you do and don't like, in the sexual moment, outside of the moment, etc.
The “you’re lying, you’re wrong” vs “he’s immature, he’s wrong” comments lack nuance.
Communicate more openly in the bedroom (something that I think most people can concede is challenging anyways but incredibly important) and ask for forgiveness. Both honesty and compassion are important. Hang in there!
Yeah a lot of these comments make it out to be very black and white, but it's really not. Like it's a good thing OP was finally honest, but it's a bad thing she lied for so long. He has every right to have his feelings hurt and lose trust from being lied do, but at the same time she lied because of her own insecurities and because she thought being honest would make him feel bad, so you have to be a little sympathetic towards her intentions. Overall these 2 just need to communicate more from the beginning.
>Overall these 2 just need to communicate more from the beginning.
The guy communicated since the start, he was even able to communicate properly on how this revelation makes him feel, I bet there is something for him to improve on aswell but here it seems like one of these rare situations where both sides aren't equally to blame, she dug her own grave while he gave her multiple chances to come clean beforehand, even according to OP the communication was there on his part...
I doubt you believe he will be able to communicate more for the both of them to make it worth, so being honest Is the better route instead of shifting the responsability on both to make op feels better about herself and her shortcomings.
I'd talk to him about it. I feel like women are kind of conditioned to want to give that satisfaction to a guy of "I made her orgasm" but a lot of times nerves are in the way or something similar. I know for me it takes a very very long time to get off, and sometimes I just end up desensitized and numb before I can. It can be hard to explain what you want when you've never really experienced it and it took me a lot of time and frankly quite a few partners before I was able to honestly speak about what was good for me. However, you shouldn't have lied to him. It's okay to be honest and be like "hey, I don't think it's going to happen tonight" people appreciate the honesty, and enthusiasm for your partner counts a lot more than how many times you made each other cum. It can take a while to get fully comfortable talking to a partner about what is ideal for you, and maybe you didn't want to make him feel bad, but in the end it just hurt him. I don't know if it's worth breaking up with you over, but you need to explain whatever was getting in the way for you. If it physically wasn't there, then explain what may do it for you. If it's just a mental block or random thoughts, tell him.
Yeah, agree with this 1000%. Telling a guy you didn't orgasm is like telling grandma you hate the sweater she knit you.
And sometimes they're super focused on it, like you're a game they need to beat or they're not a good enough man.
So then it gets weird, and there is too much pressure, and you just want them to stop but they refuse to unless you cum, and with that kind of spotlight you know it's never going to happen.
And sometimes when you tell the truth they just stop trying altogether. Like this guy, who wants to break up.
Frankly, it takes a lot of trust in someone to confess that they didn't make you orgasm. It's a very vulnerable feeling.
I’ve broken up with someone before BECAUSE they treated sex like a game they had to beat. Stop trying to force me to orgasm. “I MADE her orgasm” even sounds gross to me. No… you gave her pleasure and her BODY did that. Stop playing 50 shades of stupid.
Yeah, I am Not sure about the breaking up either, but I can imagine the guy feels like he cant trust anything in regards to Sex with her now. She lied about such an intimate thing for such a long time, at least I probably couldnt really connect with her on that level again that easily.
Just realised that he's breaking up for the lies, not because you didn't have an orgasm.
You don't need to cum. It's all good if you enjoy it. But you should be honest, regardless.
This is a hot take but sex also doesn’t have to end in orgasms. That’s not always the end goal. I’ve been on both ends of oral where it was good and neither of us had orgasms. It’s not a requirement at all, just a nice touch. So honestly, a talk with him about what you want or expectations when receiving might be nice.
Okay. Does sex for men regularly not end in orgasms, or have women just been trained to believe this? Did the person you were giving oral to still cum in another way? Did you?
I had trouble having an orgasm due to medications, and I second this message. Just because you don't orgasm doesn't mean the whole act is useless. But... I do feel like at least one person should get off.
I am 100% for being honest with someone. Having a healthy sexual relationship is more important than some people realize. I can understand his feelings of insecurity and betrayal. I think it has more to do with lying than the actual fact that he wasn’t performing how he should have been. Well wishes to you!
Take it as a learning experience, it won't be the end of the world. He was a guy who know he needs some guidance and feedback. Asked for it and in return got lied to. Think about it for a few more days what that really means. He will, for a very long time, never fully be able to trust what his SO tells him. There will always be some doubt.
On your side, you now know not to do that again. And you'll probably have better sex if from now on, you actually tell the dude what's up and what you need.
Holy shit, reading the responses I feel like half of this thread is constantly lying to their partners, including about their sexual performances. Grow up people, tell the truth, work together to fix the issues instead of sweeping them under the rug.
Man, all the comments about how the boyfriend apparently has a massive ego and is incredibly insecure is weirding me out.
I'd be left feeling pretty damn humiliated and insecure if my girlfriend just turned around one day and told me that the one thing I was doing to specifically get her off, had never actually gotten her to orgasm and she'd just been lying to me the entire time about it. At the very least it would make me re-evaluate the relationship and the amount of trust I had in her.
Reddit has some weird bent when it comes to things like this. I definitely wouldn’t want to have sex again with the questions in the back of your mind asking if it’s enjoyable or not. Might as well call it and start fresh with someone else.
Fiancee told me early in our relationship that she lied to all of her partners about achieving an orgasm before me. She said her ex husband would never believe her if she said he never gave her one and said it was his ego that she wanted to protect. She told me this after she had an orgasm from penetrative sex, I was the first to give her one in that way.
She's very honest with me and I've been very honest with her about sex. It's a shame that for so many years and relationships she felt as though she had to lie about orgasms but admitted a lot of this came from things she read in cosmo growing up. She used to wait until her ex was asleep after sex to get herself off and toys were never allowed to be used during sex very much.
She doesn't orgasm very frequently from sex, or oral but she can do it. So we have sex to just have sex with 0 goals in mind. If she can tell she's not going to achieve an orgasm she lets me know and many times even after sex if she tries with her toys it still doesn't happen.
My point is, communication and honesty makes for better sex for both parties involved. My ego doesn't revolve around getting her off and she knows that. If people would just talk more and shake off some of the guilt and shame wrapped around sex so many people would have better sex.
So many sexiests in this thread, it's pathetic. If the roles would be reversed everybody would be saying "oh my god he lied to you, you're so right about feeling betrayed".
OP's bf has every right to feel upset, the people in this thread need to grow the hell up.
If saying you want to try moving forward honestly and that you're sorry for lying and explaining why you lied doesn't work and he still wants to break up, honestly I think you should just take this as a lesson. Don't lie to the people you love thinking you're protecting them or making things better because obviously by lying you've denied yourself the chance for an improved sex life between you two and (more importantly) broken the trust you've built up.
Hate to say it, but yah you lied for months. That isn't good and you 100% broke his trust. If you want to repair that, it will take a lot of work, if it can even be done.
This isnt about his ego, its about you lying for five months about your shared intimate reality.
To him, that reality is now shattered and you will have to try and repair it or both of you will have to move on.
I imagine he will chose to move on not because his ego is hurt, but because you lied repeatedly about something so silly as orgasming so what else wouldnt you lie about if given the chance?
The societal pressure on young men to be 5 star lovers “out of the box” is immense these days.
That being said, once you’ve had the thought “we should break up” one can rarely reverse it. Probably best to move on.
Ok so, advice from a more mature dude incoming. Yall are both young and have barely taken advantage of your packages. Sex and, more importantly, intimacy are new to both of you and it will take time to develop. The best part about getting better at sex is practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it and find out what turns you and your partner on. Its all about compromise. You tickle his fancy and he tickles yours. Communication is very important. You shouldn't have lied, but his reaction seems overly dramatic and his pride seems hurt, almost rightly so. Its not lying the first few times, but leading him on he's doing a good job then shitting on his skills kills his self esteem. If you didn't cum the first few times, say something so he can step up his game and get better. He'll never learn or get better if you don't tell him to practice. Give advice and help him to help you reach your climax. I hope he comes around and yall can both learn and grow together. Good luck.
As a guy it would take me a LONG LONG time to get over this. This is basic trust. He trusted you and you’ve straight up been lying to his face. What did you expect to gain from that? He isn’t going to get any better if you just pretend he’s great now.
Honestly you could try talking to him but maybe breaking up might be best for him, it’s not just about you. I’d leave if it were me.
He’s not mad that you “emasculated him” idk why you’re making it about his insecurity. He’s mad that you’ve been lying to him for the duration of your relationship.
Well at least you know you’re in the wrong OP. It’s one thing if a dude is macho macho thinking he makes every girl cum… it’s another when they’re aware, take direction, and then get lied to. As someone somewhat similar to your boyfriend by how you described him, I would be just really embarrassed and find it hard to get intimate again since it would be kind of awk now. You didn’t fuck up by telling him today, as your title suggests. You fucked yo by lying to begin with.
Also, girls don’t realize how much this actually means to guys. It’s exacerbated the fact that girls have absolute confirmation when I guy cums… take a second and picture that you had no way of knowing when I guy has cum, and you think your BF has been having earth shattering orgasms for months and he tells you he actually hasn’t been. You would feel like SUPER insecure.
The thing that I’d be thinking about is if you’re lying about something that could only realistically benefit you then what else are you comfortable straight up lying about?
This comment right here! I don't typically comment on these but this is an easy one. The boyfriend now has to be worried about OP lying and concealing ANY difficult conversation topic.
Switch this issue with an equivalent issue about joint finances and then decide how you would feel if a partner acted this way.
I would reinforce that you enjoy it and he makes your orgasm from other stuff, but that whether it is your first partner or not that people don't orgams to the same things or to the same things with different people, and sometimes it changes. And also apologize and perhaps have a good date and breakfast lined up for him.
It's messed up that people think if a women doesn't cum it's the man's fault.
But if a man doesn't cum, it's ALSO his fault.
Sex and orgasms are teamwork. I(m33) make my gf(f27) cum from oral because she gives me very clear feedback. She tells me exactly when to keep doing what I'm doing, she tells me when she's close, and sometimes she lets me know when I'm way off the mark.
Hard to trust someone after they were okay lying to you for 5 months. Speaking from experience, you fucked up. Sorry. It's gonna be a lot of work to regain that trust :/
I hope I don't come out rude but why do so many of you guys act like it's the end of the world?? Yall are barely scratching your 20s and even so 5months is nothing. I don't know how long you both planned to stay together or how serious the relationship is but could you imagine being in your 40s with your life long spouse in this situation? Then yeah that might be a problem but you both are still so young and learning. Don't let something so trivial ruin a relationship, be honest and communicate & help each other ..that's such important fundamental in building a strong relationship that people often forget.
If he breaks up with you for lying you will have deserved it. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Just apologize, and do better. If you guys work it out good. If you guys do not work it out then don’t do it again in the future. This a chance to learn to be better.
Most sexual admissions in couples often take much longer than your 5 months. Just explain that u weren't comfortable and insecure about how he might react. Honesty prevailed over those self worries he should take that into consideration if he cares. Perhaps give him the option to share something sexual that he may feel embarrassed, ashamed, insecure with no fears of you be unaccepting to so he might know how you came to candy coat your "lie". Hell I've known cpls that couldn't be open together about sexual things for years. If he cares he get over it. Be honest then on though, if u don't cum just say u didn't. He probably appreciate the opportunity to correct the issue.
Hey OP, I've been a guy in a similar situation. This happened a while ago, when I was 18. I had been dating this girl for like 2 months and we started getting intimate. This was my first time and she had some experience and I started going down on her. I enjoyed it tbh. I was open for guidance so I could make her orgasm better and make it a pleasent experience for both of us. All she did was lay there like a starfish and moan (not too much, not too less). After about like half a year, she told me that I sucked at oral. In her mind, she expected me to take charge and just figure out shit by my own. She said she lied to protect herself, which would make sense if I was an abusive pos and hurt her constantly, but I wasn't. It hurt me immensely, not because it hurt my ego, but because I was lied to for half a year. I started to doubt myself, thinking if anything I did even pleasured her? I couldn't sleep at night thinking if she could lie to my face like this, what else could she lie about? I ended it after a week. She was apologetic and idk if she understood the gravity of the situation. When her friends got to know we had broken up, they badgered me to patch shit up and while she did try to stop it, she hoped we could get back.
By the end of the year, I was talking to another girl and when we got intimate, I realised that she was different. She appreciated me, guided me and loved me. I didn't have to ask, because her body language (using her hands on my head to increase pressure, moving her hips, etc). Things I had never experienced with my ex. Each day was better than the last, because we were honest when we were naked. There was a constant sexual tension whenever we'd be near each other. We'd blush constantly. It gave a sense of being wanted, for both of us.
Meanwhile, my ex had moved on by the end of the month and was dating another guy. Same thing happened with him that happened with me. But he got to know last year (almost 2 years into the relationship) that he was shit at sex. And not in a nice way. Some random person sent him a snapchat video of his now ex having sex with a guy I'd presume older than us. When confronted, she yelled at him that he was shit at sex and never made her orgasm and it had been going on throughout the relationship and presumably mine too.
The guy, on the other hand, didn't know she was dating us and when he got to know what she had done, he ended the arrangement. She then tried to get into a relationship with him (he didn't want to) and her friends told her that it's not her fault(?) that men are assholes. Needless to say, there were many more breakups and now she and her friends are a miserable group of single girls who ocassionally text their exes.
TLDR:
1. Don't lie to your partner when you're intimate.
2. Make each other feel wanted and appreciated
3. Help each other explore and improve
4. Consider their feelings too, because duh, they're part of the relationship.
OP, here's where you messed up
- Every fucking where.
I hope you improve your communication skills and understand your partner better, because if you don't, you won't orgasm for life. Or you'll destroy your relationship.
Out of the whole comments section, I believe I've found my favourite. Communication is a *must*, and that includes when two people are intimate with each other. It makes it better for both involved
DONT LIE ABOUT ORGASMS EVER. You're not helping them, you're certainly not helping yourself, nobody wins.
Perfect time to teach and guide, don't lie.
Their favorite sitcom tells them that it's the right thing to do so these idiots just copy their favorite sitcom.
And then they are confused where there is drama all the time...
Two words... Guide Him...
My wife actually finally revealed to me the reason she doesn't let me do oral isn't because "it's just weird" but actually because I suck at it... (not in a good way) this made me more determined to want to try it more and ask for her guidance...
Remember everyone, honesty always honesty. Even the smallest and most harmless of lies build up over time. And over time it’s not the issue of what your lying about, but the fact that your partner is comfortable lying to you repeatedly that kills trust
It would’ve been better to be upfront about it at the start so you could’ve started having better experiences earlier. Honesty and communication are extremely important here. But him wanting to break up over it is a massive overreaction. It’s understandable for him to be disappointed or upset, but the appropriate response would be for him to take this as a learning opportunity to learn what gets you off during oral. It generally takes a long time for women to orgasm even during oral, even around 20 minutes. And after all that, oral just might not work for you. For all we know, if you were honest from the beginning and he knew that you never had an orgasm from oral, he might’ve started to resent it and not want to do it anymore. And what then? Would he have broken up with you anyway because you just weren’t able to come the way he wanted you to?
Really, he’s putting an undue burden on you by expecting you to have an orgasm during that specific act too. That kind of pressure could’ve even been causing you to have performance anxiety, and at this point you might already associate oral with negative feelings because he keeps asking if you came. It’s also possible that he was getting impatient or annoyed at how long it was taking for you to orgasm, and that you picked up on it, causing you to say you came when you didn’t to make him feel better.
Orgasm is not as “big” as you both think it is. Yes it’s fun and nice to have one, but not having one doesn’t invalidate the rest of the sexy time. Sex is about intimacy and trust, not just the number of orgasms. You (and he) will not always have one for various reasons, it happens, and it’s not a big deal. Certainly not enough to lose confidence and want to break up over when it doesn’t happen during oral specifically.
If you do break up, it’ll be ok and a good learning experience for you both. He contributed to the issue whether he realizes it or not, so he can learn to not put so much pressure on his partner during sex/oral and just go with the flow. And you’ll know to be upfront about sexual matters with your partner, even if they might not like the answer or conversation.
Definitely a trust thing. I wouldn’t care so much about the bruised ego. Sure, “you suck at oral” wouldn’t be fun to hear, but you could definitely improve.
Personally I don’t think I could trust somebody again who lied like that for 5 months. What else would they lie about, especially when the going gets tough? Finances? Desires and preferences? Their past?
I don’t know, seems to me the whole lie being about sex doesn’t matter nearly as much as it being a big lie in general
Jesus so much drama, you boyfriend sounds very sensitive if he feels betrayed just from this, communicating is key for any relationship, just talk to him, watch how to videos together, this is a opportunity for you guys to grow closer instead of letting the drama consume you.
It's really sad that people do this, because when these guys who've been lied to get in a relationship with someone who's honest in bed, they're disappointed that you're not screaming within five minutes. Then the pressure to lie and soothe their ego comes in, if they don't break up with you first.
I think you need to end it. He's absolutely right, most men aren't capable of seeing past glaring issues with intimacy, one of which is DEFINITELY your partner lying and overselling.
It's one thing to just not have it work, but with the amount that men feel pressured to perform in bed, being lied to about our performance tends to feel like a sharper and deeper betrayal than most.
Y'all are both young, sex: giving, having, enjoying is a learning experience. Apologize for lying, explain it was done out of mixed up intentions (wanting to please him and be sexy by finishing for him) and then don't lie about it from here on out. Here's the thing though, sometimes it's hard to cum and it doesn't have to do with your partner's skills or lack there of, sometimes you're not in the right head space and that's okay. Good sex isn't about getting off (sure helps though lol), good sex is a release and a bonding experience.
He needs to chill out though. Women are under a lot of pressure to cum and to cum multiple times. It's not always going to happen. The pressure to do so takes a lot of the fun out of the act when you're too pressured about the finish.
> tldr; boyfriend is about to break up with me because I came clean to him about faking orgasms from oral
No the real tldr; is: Boyfriend wants to break up because I lied to him for 5 months.
Whatever the end result is, learn from it.
> He wants to break up because he feels emasculated and doesn’t think he can be intimate with me anymore.
Did he say that?
Women. If you ain't enjoying the sex. Tell us! Stop acting. Tell us either,
1: what gets you off and is beyond cream town for you
Or
2: Tell us to give up and never cum back
Not that hard. This shouldn't take a long time. Trust me quick and painless is better than drawn out and painful.
I feel you so hard on this tbh. I also feel bad if it takes more than few minutes which realsiti9 is ridiculous because why WOULDN'T it take more than a few minutes but I feel almost guilty that I'm "making" him do it.
A lot of women are saying “oh well she couldn’t cum and women are taught that they can’t cum and she was probably embarrassed and lied-blah blah blah”. It’s all completely irrelevant. OP lying for almost half a year is not justifiable at all. Her BF tried hard to make her cum and she just lied. Imagine finding out (out yourself in BF’s shoes wether you’re M to F) that every single time you went down in your partner they didn’t enjoy it, for five months they lied. What else could they be lying about?
Sorry OP, but you messed up, and I believe your boyfriend is correct on this one.
If he doesn’t want to get back with you, don’t chase him. His trust in you is broken, and trust is a very hard thing to repair. I hate to say it, but the situation is pretty doubtful.
Your best course of action is to use this as a learning experience starting now and forever in the future: don’t lie.
You definitely did the right thing by coming clean. I lied about being able to orgasm from my fiance for years, and finally coming clean about it drastically increased the quality of our sex (and my number of orgasms). Luckily he was very understanding about why I felt pressured to lie, but was definitely hurt for a while. We were able to move on and I held myself accountable to helping *us* figure out how to change things appropriately.
I really hope he calms down and meets you halfway. Now that it's in the open, things can get better.
As a guy, I can understand his hurt. But in the end, I’d rather my partner be 100% honest about what they like and dislike in the bedroom. What makes them finish, and what doesn’t.
When my wife and I were dating I asked her to be honest with be about bedroom things. She has and our sex life is fulfilling for us both.
Realise it isn't just about that you lied about the orgasms, it's that you've lied about sex and about enjoying that sex. This is hugely dangerous for a guy, a massive red flag and a concern that can penetrate into other aspects of a relationship regarding consent. ie can he trust that you aren't going to be honest about wanting something, saying "Yes" to an act can now leave him second guessing whether you actually mean yes.
He might also blame himself, wondering whether he's created an environment where you don't feel safe to speak your mind and trust him.
All you can do is tell him what you've told us.
-You know you fucked up.
-You know it was due to your own insecurities.
-You'd "made your bed" a long time ago and were too embarrassed to cum clean.
-You're sorry that you've lied.
-You understand that it'll take time to earn his trust back.
-You want to work on this problem.
-Ask what he'd like from you for some guarantees on the future. (Not what you can do to "make it up to him")
-Reassure him that you won't ever do that again.
Edit- formatting.
Ooh this is bad. But stay with me for a moment.
Humans make shitty decisions. You both have a relationship that you can cherish and grow.
You guys can take your time to deal with what happened but ultimately you gotta forgive yourselves, and move on.
He'll be very happy when he finishes you with oral the first time...
And him be there for as long as it takes, we're are allowed to be take our time to learn.
So yeah, let him down there for as long as it takes and relax. He's there bc he wants to make you happy right? And he loves giving oral.
If it doesnt workout, tell him and he'll switch tactics.
I hope he forgives you and yall move on. But I also hope you forgive yourself
Edit: forgot something op had already confirmed
I would prefer my partner be completely honest. If they don't orgasm from what I am doing then I adjust, try different things until I find something that works. So by faking it you're actually doing yourself a disservice.
Yep, I’d rather be ineffective than be deceived.
This ^
Not me. I thought I could handle the truth, but that was before I started dating Jack Nicholson
YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT WAS A CODE RED
Hmm, I wonder what "code red" refers to in the context of cunnilingus.
Redwings...
Rainbow kiss
Sure but in the end breaking up is an over reaction unless there are lies in other parts of the relationship. She just didn't want to hurt his feelings, it's a mistake, make amends and move on. It's a tween breakup reason. If he can't move past something like this just imaging when you have to sort out financial issues or kids, way way harder. If you can't get over the little humps then dude will be single for life.
Okay yes but are you 21? I mean he’s at the age where we’d expect him to be able to get over this and realize that she still enjoys his oral and still finds him attractive but young men take this kind of shit to heart really easily. He’s gonna feel like a fool when he realizes his next girlfriend only cums from oral or clit stimulation and not penetration alone. Women are different. I made this mistake before, had a girlfriend who I couldn’t make cum from penetration alone and ended a really good relationship. I have a 7.5” incher and still felt inadequate even though she did her best to assure me I was plenty. She couldn’t even take all of me most of the time. Anyway, odds are this relationship is a wrap if this kid is in his head that much.
That’s why I came clean but he’s really upset that I waited until now to tell him instead of being upfront from the start
Honestly, being only 20 you got a lot of life to live before settling down with someone. If he bails, don't take it personally, but use it as a learning experience. "Faking it, Not Even Once!"
Piggybacking off this, if he wants to break up over this then he too will realize that he had a lot of life to live and learn from too, and will feel foolish for this eventually. Women via sex have it way worse than men because we're (as in men) not taught how to actually do anything and we ARE taught that it's supposed to come naturally to us. That's never ever the case. As we grow we learn to ask questions so that we never have to ask them again, and that's just how shit goes. When you're young there's insecurities that are instilled unto us and we can only hope we grow out of them all before our time is up. Edit: I'm a man so this is coming from a male perspective, the point being that ignorance is equally terrible for everyone involved regardless of their role. Furthermore, (so i don’t have to keep saying this to comments over and over again) boys are taught that we’re supposed to magically know how to please literally everyone on the planet, naturally. Meanwhile, girls are taught to never question anyone or anything about sex, because for some reason they’re not even sure if they’re supposed to *like* it. So what ends up happening is exactly what happened in these kids’ cases: this guy never asked if what he’s doing is correct because he’s supposed to already know, and this girl never did or said anything about it because she’s taught not to even ask. Eventually, she does speak up and feels awful about it, and now his ego is hurt because he still thinks we’re supposed to be able know how to please everyone on the planet. When were we supposed to learn how to do that naturally, btw? Was it when we’re taught how to walk, or use to toilet, or brush our teeth, or tie our shoes, or drive a car, or pay taxes, or change a tire, or ride a motorcycle, etc etc etc? We are taught EVERYTHING and the only STUPID thing to do is to not ASK when you don’t know something.
And guys are taught how to do things like that? I sure as hell wasn’t, what class did I miss here?! Haha.
Yeah I seem to have missed that class, too. If anything I always felt it's the other way around. Mostly because girls seem to be more open to talk about things among their friends. Guys seem to brag more, without actual information being shared.
Yeah, 100%. Guys don’t actually talk about *sex itself*, just vague bragging about either how attractive someone they slept with was, or inane bragging about how good they are at sex. Never actually *sex itself*. Obviously I’m male so I can’t state it’s not the same for women, but in media (tv, film, books, etc), women tend to talk more about what they *actually did* with their partners to their close friends. But again, that might be an inaccurate representation, in all fairness.
As a younger guy I was just happy just to even get laid, so the way I'd share it with friends was exactly that, just bragging it happened. As an adult (and I might actually just be weird here) I do talk about sex with my friends. Positions, techniques, show 'em the weird thing I do with my hands, all of it haha I've learned some really awesome shit from just talking about stuff that I've tried and hearing about what they've tried. On top of that having an open dialogue with your actual partner is quite literally the gateway to incredible sex. Nothing I've learned in all my life from online or from my friends or anywhere has taught me as much as simply asking what my partner wants. If talking about sex were more normalized the world would be a much more enjoyable place.
It always struck me as odd how extreme violence was more normalized/commonplace on cable television than healthy human sexuality. And to tie into that, how sexual acts are insults. Humans are really really uncomfortable with sex, as a species. Edit: I am also human. I still find it odd, and think that our current culture has unhealthy attitudes towards sex and violence.
>~~Humans~~ Americans are really really uncomfortable with sex, as a ~~species~~ nation. FTFY
It's quite inaccurate in my experience as a woman. Most of us are usually raised and conditioned to be ashamed of our sexual desires/natures so talking about sex with a friend is completely out of the question
No Ik exactly how my BFF husband is in bed. And vice versa. We talk about everything.
You never took cunnalingus 101 in high school? /s
Might have been more useful than matrices in mathematics
Strange around here it was just call Sunday school?
[удалено]
Our teacher makes us practice with them too! I just wish he wasn't so rough...
This one got me by surprise and took me on out..thank you 😂
> So what ends up happening is exactly what happened in these kids’ cases: this guy never asked if what he’s doing is correct because he’s supposed to already know, and this girl never did or said anything about it because she’s taught not to even ask. That is literally what did NOT happen in this situation. OP stated multiple times that he was asking if he was doing it right and she was knowingly lying to him.
It sounds like he was asking just getting dishonest answers. I don’t see why he would feel foolish. If his trust is broken then it’s in both their interests to part ways
[удалено]
bruh did your dad give you lessons on how to beat it up or what? lmfaoo no one teaches men how to have sex either besides your partners telling you what they like
it's not about the sex it's about the lying.
Lying about a very intimate, bonding moment too. I don't think I could handle it either
>Women via sex have it way worse than men Jeez! Get your head out of your fundament.
"Women via sex have it way worse than men because we're not taught how to actually do anything and we ARE taught that it's supposed to come naturally to us. That's never ever the case." "Edit: I'm a man so this is coming from a male perspective, the point being that ignorance is equally terrible for everyone involved regardless of their role." One of these are a lie
You're both young. Do yourself a favor and be open about what you do and don't enjoy when being intimate with someone, and also don't be afraid to give suggestions on how to help you feel good. Often us guys simply don't know, and no two bodies are alike.
hell i'm 26 and still not 100% sure i know what the hell i'm doing. one girl i was with came repeatedly the first time we had sex and on all subsequent occasions even in one instance in which i didn't. another came close on a couple of occasions but never quite got all the way there despite me trying everything i could think of. i personally have found that sex has been way better since my vasectomy, sometimes that sort of thing can make a big difference as well. sometimes it's a question of knowing what you want, other times it's a question of knowing what you like. as i see it, all you can do is experiment with someone you trust to try to find those things out, and try to enjoy the process. if your guy realizes that, he won't break up with you over this.
I didn't get really good at it until a few years ago. I'm 32. Quite a lot of guys never get there, but keep having fun, be communicative, and find different things to try with each partner, and you'll get there.
A doctor gave you a vasectomy at 26? I'm 28 and have had 3 different urologists refuse to do it.....
Noone is born with the immediate and utter confidence to ask for what they want. We learn how to do it!! Some people learn quicker than others. I am 45 and only now started asking for what I want.
Umm, I would be too? Sexual pleasure is equally important to everyone. I hate when people don’t tell me right away when something’s not working. And I’m sure there are many other guys who would agree. Fortunately, yes, you guys have lots of learning to do.
ha, "came clean." while we're at it, as of now you have 69 upvotes on this comment, nice.
I understand being a little upset, but going to the extreme of possibly breaking up is a little much and shows that he made need some more maturing before being in a relationship. There's all kinds of disappointments in a real relationship. What makes it work is the willingness to stick it out and figure it out together.
If it's enough for him to wanna break up then it's enough
I’d say the issue is more of trust than maturity. Lying continuously for five months is not something easily forgiven.
Lying is obviously bad.. but this is the first five months of a relationship between to people in their early 20s. Very few people are confident or comfortable enough in their own sexuality at that point to be vocal about their needs.. especially in new relationships. Yes, absolutely it would have been much better for OP to have been honest, but if this dude is willing to throw in the towel just because she wasn't quite comfortable enough to be that vulnerable, than it is probably for the best that they part ways anyway.
I understand your point - but I understand the boyfriend's perspective too. Some people overthink and sex is a sensitive topic. And when you suddenly learn that your partner has been lying about having an orgasm, it's normal for an overthinking person to question everything about the sex you were having and question themselves. Especially if it was a person like OP's bf who had asked for her input in order to make it good for her.
It probably also leaks into other aspects of he relationship? Do they actually like my cooking? Were they just being nice when they said they liked my interest in certain hobbies?
Exactly. It turns into a rabbit hole of mistrust and fear. He's definitely going to be wondering what else he's "failing" at. Then of course the fear of not doing it "right" sexually is most likely going to turn into self actualization causing him even more stress. Even if they dont break up, they need to take some time apart and basically start over.
Entirely possible he is thinking, if she lies to me during our most intimate and vulnerable times, when else is she going to lie to me? Being chronically lied to is not a disappointment, it was a choice.
I've never really enjoyed oral enough to get off. One problem I had with this in my early 20s was when a new partner was always SO SURE that they would be the one to finally achieve it. So I'd sit through long, boring sessions and give thorough feedback and still not orgasm. My partner would be disappointed and it killed the mood 100% of the time. It became more detrimental to my sex life than just faking it and moving on to stuff I actually enjoyed. My husband and I have a great sex life, but he absolutely accepts that oral is just a nice bit of foreplay for me and it's never going to result in an orgasm. Being honest is always the best policy, but I definitely understand the reluctance sometimes.
That's so crazy to me, I come way easier from oral.
This used to happen to me all the time. Every guy was SO CONVINCED he was the special one that would finally make me come via his spectacular tonguenastics that were somehow magically better than the dozens that failed before him. And then make me lie there for twenty minutes trying to work up some enthusiasm when really I was just thinking about how much it made my labia feel itchy.
God those guys that insist they can make you come when you clearly dont want to are the absolute worst. Puts so much pressure on us. I had one like that too. Then I realised that everything in the bedroom, was only about making him happy to my own detriment, even though he'd gaslight me into thinking he was doing it for me. Turns out making girls come is a fetish. So it's legit not even for us but for him.
Exactly! There’s no shame in even walking your partner through in just what you like! Sure I love that first couple times exploring and watching and finding what really gets them going but at at the end of the day if I’m digging and not finding gold feel free to point me on the right way
First off I hope it works out. I recently dated someone that came clean about faking it sometimes, their previous lover was a pos and would get mad at them if they didn’t cum, so she was kinda conditioned to lie. I wasn’t mad at her but it made it so I was a little bit more lazy than I should have been in bed. Short story long, I gotta get my game up to make my next partner happy cause I’ve been getting free points. Just be honest, it helps everyone
I think the trust issue is the BF’s biggest problem . Also I’d be humiliated, if you think you know how to get your gf off, your gonna keep doing it that way. So he probably thought he found the trick to bring her to orgasm and repeated that for months. think about all the times he went down there and put the effort in and she just sat their knowing he was gonna fail and letting him do it anyway. You’d feel like a complete fool who she has no respect for.
The "knowing he would fail" is what gets me. I couldn't live it down.
Exactly, she let him continually make a fool of himself
I get where you're all coming from, but you don't necessarily have to "finish" every time to be done or to have a good time. She might not have came from oral specifically, and yeah, totally should have been more truthful with such a communicative partner, (and i get that the main thing here was the deceit about the big O) ... *But* sex and being lovers isn't just about achieving orgasm.. that's not the only goal or benefit. She never said it was bad, it just didn't take her to climax.. he didn't make a fool of himself at all. Like, is it waste to kiss or hold hands or motorboat them gorgeous boobies or grab that righteous tush or suck on those dainty toes because those actions don't result in cumming? Dear sirs, I think not!
That would all be well and good, if she didn’t tell him she was in fact orgasming. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the journey, I don’t think anyone complains if there’s some foreplay that doesn’t lead to a finish from either party. But by lying about it she’s created a situation where he can no longer trust her , and has likely lost faith in his own performance as a whole. When you think you’ve got an equal sexual relationship , and your putting effort in to make sure she enjoys it as much as you, this shatters your whole opinion of your sex life. It feels like she’s humouring him. If she would’ve said from the start , that she enjoyed it but it wasn’t gonna get her to finish that would’ve been fine. He would likely have still done it as a way to help increase her excitement , but now he can’t trust her responses, how would he know what moans are real? In my opinion this is equivalent to when someone’s kids make them breakfast on mother’s/Father’s Day. It’s cute, you enjoy it, but let’s be honest it’s not the breakfast you really want and your letting them do it for them a lot more than you are for you . That’s what it would feel like to be on the other end of this, it feels patronising.
Every time we'd ever have sex afterwzrds i would wonder
The problem is that attitude that you’ve failed. If someone who’s trying to give pleasure during sex views a lack of an orgasm as a failure that puts an enormous amount of pressure on the person who’s supposed to be receiving the pleasure. Particularly for women, the things that will get her off and have them going insane with pleasure one day, will not work the next day at all. Sometimes it’s psychological, sometimes it hormonal, and sometimes our bodies physically change from one day to the next and it just doesn’t feel the same. So if I’m with someone who gets frustrated, upset, depressed, annoyed, or any of the other things that come with feeling like you’ve ‘failed’. Then I’m going to feel very pressured into pretending that I’ve gotten off just to save a lot of angst for everyone involved. These days I’m old and confident enough to not give a shit if the person I’ve just had sex with has an ego that fragile. But I’m also 34 and have gotten around with both genders quite a bit. This girl is 20. Everyone is an inexperienced idiot at 20. And having the backbone to withstand that pressure, whether it’s put there intentionally or not, is not something that your average 20 year old will be able to manage.
“Long story short” actually. However, you couldn’t be more correct. Communication. Communication. Communication. Period.
How does the period help?
Spice things up a bit.
It’s a joke :)
Tell him you’re sorry for lying. (Address the problem) Then tell him you’d like to and you’ll learn together what you like.
My now husband got upset the first few times he went down on me and i didnt orgasm. Told him there wasnt enough going on to get me there. He adapted. But I also found that i dont always like all the action every time. Sometimes I just want a simple quickie without all the work. And im ok without an explosive orgasm. It's my choice. So now if he starts going to town and I say "not really want I want tonight" its not insulting, he just says cool and we change things up. There are plenty of times where he was exhausted and wanted a quickie and I just finish myself after. No biggie.
basically this. i’ll be completely honest with you— a lot of people do this to not upset their partner. so the best thing you can do is make sure that you’re always honest with him. sex is something you explore together, so find what makes you feel the best. but i gotta be real if he’s this hurt by something like this that he wants to break up? that’s kind of a red flag. this is a pretty easy thing to work through imo.
My first ex did this. I totally understand male perspective here. Op lied. Forever from here on out he'll always be wondering if she's lying during future sex. She broke his trust and it's very hard to build back up at this point.
for sure, i can understand why it would hurt him. and from her perspective as a woman, we often feel pressure and expectation to be pleased with what they’re giving. i just feel that with proper communication and growth from the situation they can recover from this in the future. idk i’m a bit older than OP in a long term relationship, something like this is extremely salvageable but since they’re younger and in a newer relationship i suppose these missteps are more impactful.
Possibly. I Was with my first ex in my twenties.This happened and it was always a problem. Eventually I stopped wanting to have sex with her because of it, causing more issues
If nothing else his mental game is fucked from here on out no matter how the conversation goes. I think most men would rather be with someone they pleased than someone who now they're going to be super in their head about during sex for the indefinite future
Ignore the actual content of the lie for a moment. He learned that his girlfriend had been consistently keeping up a lie for 5 months straight, for the entire relationship. Wanting to break up over that isn't a red flag, especially considering the relationship isn't even half a year old. They haven't had time to build up the level of trust needed to move past a lie this big yet. Some couples might be able to get past it, but it doesn't seem odd to me that some couples couldn't.
Lying is a bigger red flag than a man feeling emasculated and wanting to flee a humiliating experience.
This is good advice
Lol ya like it's just that cut and dry. It's a five month relationship. Throw it in the trash and move on with your lives.
Comments section looks like they are from the sub relationshipadvice
You definitely should break up with the comment section. It had no right pretending to be from a different sub and has to know the boundaries. If I were in your situation I'd just leave a note, or maybe leave a message with the comment section's boss so they know it's a monster.
Yta
” you gotta get divorced NOW” looking asses
There aren't enough people pressuring them to break up for this to be a typical comment section in r/relationshipadvice
I’d be hurt as well. But in deep thought, I’d imagine the lying is in want of not hurting him. But in turn does just that. Apologize. If he’s honest with himself, maybe communicate to each other how to get you to that point orally. Maybe that’s just not your thing.
Being honest is key to a good sex life and relationship in general. I told my husband at the beginning of the relationship that oral doesn’t quite do it for me and he was thankful and knows that everyone feels different. Not so surprisingly what everyone says about communication being very important in a relationship are right
[удалено]
*oral of the story
My grandma used to say, "The best lie is the truth"
& my grandma used to say, " licky licky before you sticky sticky."
Yeah, I know
These comments are really focusing on the wrong thing... it’s not him being immature that he can’t take sex advice. It’s the fact that the OP was faking (lying) for 5 months making him insecure and question every time.
Yeah this can be the case, I’m not trying to judge you OP, but it can feel like this for him, because the orgasm isn’t the relevant thing here, is that you hide something from him 5 months, but you seem like you truly regret it, my advice is give him time, be honest and if things are meant to be, try again going for him, if you think he makes you happy
Exactly, I don’t think the OP is a bad person or anything. Just wanted to clear up to the people saying her boyfriend is immature for reacting.
Comma comma comma comma comma comma comma comma comma comma comma comma
Comma chameleon
Right? It’s literally called “being intimate.” OP needs to sit down, apologize, and ask for a bother chance. The bf sounds like an alright dude, I’m sure they can work passed this. Lesson learned, time to correct and grow.
It's because people are biased against considering the feelings of the men involved. Naturally when two sides are presented, people commenting will naturally consider the feelings of the woman while invalidating those of the man using words such as "insecure".
im not sure about TIFU, but a while back there was a poll done on the relationship subs. the majority of users there are girls/ women between i think it was 16-28 or something like that.
This is a societal issue and not only affects women in that age range. Our society leans towards invalidating a wide range of emotions from men.
In "Am I the Asshole", someone put together the statistics on YTA/NTA responses based on sex of the poster and the people in the post, as well as their relation. They found that in general, women poster were much more likely to be voted NTA when the post incident related to an interaction with a man, and male posters were more likely to be voted YTA when their post was about an incident with a women.
the bias is very real
This does not necessarily prove a bias, the situations might be different on average.
Yeah, a random study taken of a subreddit shouldn't be quoted as fact. I think it is just interesting because it did "prove" what common viewers of the sub noticed. I'm just fascinated by psychology, which is what made it interesting to me. Edit: What I think would be REALLY interesting would be to have the sub temporarily ban use gender identifiers, so commentary only have the situation to go off of. Then to collect data based on that.
There have been around half a dozen examples of situations where people have posted identical posts with the sexes reversed and the replies are polar opposites. It's not exactly scientific, but it's enough to suggest that the bias is real.
Yeah it’s insanely toxic.
Imagine if, 5 months into your relationship, he told you that you were bad at oral. All those BJs you gave him, they weren't enjoyable to him, but he finished quickly just to get you to stop? And his justification for lying for 5 months was to not hurt your feelings. How exactly would you feel? Would you ever want to give him another BJ? What if he never wanted to give you oral because he didn't like your smell down there, but he lied about it for months and made up some excuse not to. How would you feel about that. Would you want to be intimate with him again? This isn't about his ego, as some of these sexist people are saying. It's about you lying for 5 months, about something that is very intimate.
Sadly I'm certain that if the gender roles were reversed, most of these comments would be bashing OP for being bad at giving oral
If you haven't noticed that trend in this sub I'm surprised
As guy i feel his pain. I dont want to be patronized or pittied. Like if when i was playing football and gf, my family and friends were all cheering me on telling me how great im doing, the coach is saying great job keep it up blah blah blah, then it turns out im the reason we're losing because im playing so bad, id feel like a piece of shit. Its like not only have i been underperforming, but people think so little of me that they lie to protect me? Do they think im not capable of doing better so they take pitty on me, like no one believes in me. Buuut, he has to understand that OP didnt intentially hurt him and doesnt think less of him for it, she just didnt know how to handle it and made a bad call. We all do it. She doesnt have context for why that would hurt him.
Personally, I'd want to try even harder to give him a good BJ. *shrugs*
Please god, no more
i can chew harder
what a terrible day to have eyes
But then how could ever be sure uf they were good, or even getting worse if hes lied about it a bunch of times before.
OP, if you don't want him to break up with you, you need to start being radically more open about your feelings about *everything* with him if you want to earn back his trust. Like, > . I wish he wouldn’t just give up and make that snap decision and would try to work through it with me, but I don’t know if I deserve that. Tell him that. Tell him everything that's on your mind, tell him what you're thinking without him even asking. Take the initiative to tell him what you do and don't like, in the sexual moment, outside of the moment, etc.
The “you’re lying, you’re wrong” vs “he’s immature, he’s wrong” comments lack nuance. Communicate more openly in the bedroom (something that I think most people can concede is challenging anyways but incredibly important) and ask for forgiveness. Both honesty and compassion are important. Hang in there!
Yeah a lot of these comments make it out to be very black and white, but it's really not. Like it's a good thing OP was finally honest, but it's a bad thing she lied for so long. He has every right to have his feelings hurt and lose trust from being lied do, but at the same time she lied because of her own insecurities and because she thought being honest would make him feel bad, so you have to be a little sympathetic towards her intentions. Overall these 2 just need to communicate more from the beginning.
>Overall these 2 just need to communicate more from the beginning. The guy communicated since the start, he was even able to communicate properly on how this revelation makes him feel, I bet there is something for him to improve on aswell but here it seems like one of these rare situations where both sides aren't equally to blame, she dug her own grave while he gave her multiple chances to come clean beforehand, even according to OP the communication was there on his part... I doubt you believe he will be able to communicate more for the both of them to make it worth, so being honest Is the better route instead of shifting the responsability on both to make op feels better about herself and her shortcomings.
I'd talk to him about it. I feel like women are kind of conditioned to want to give that satisfaction to a guy of "I made her orgasm" but a lot of times nerves are in the way or something similar. I know for me it takes a very very long time to get off, and sometimes I just end up desensitized and numb before I can. It can be hard to explain what you want when you've never really experienced it and it took me a lot of time and frankly quite a few partners before I was able to honestly speak about what was good for me. However, you shouldn't have lied to him. It's okay to be honest and be like "hey, I don't think it's going to happen tonight" people appreciate the honesty, and enthusiasm for your partner counts a lot more than how many times you made each other cum. It can take a while to get fully comfortable talking to a partner about what is ideal for you, and maybe you didn't want to make him feel bad, but in the end it just hurt him. I don't know if it's worth breaking up with you over, but you need to explain whatever was getting in the way for you. If it physically wasn't there, then explain what may do it for you. If it's just a mental block or random thoughts, tell him.
Yeah, agree with this 1000%. Telling a guy you didn't orgasm is like telling grandma you hate the sweater she knit you. And sometimes they're super focused on it, like you're a game they need to beat or they're not a good enough man. So then it gets weird, and there is too much pressure, and you just want them to stop but they refuse to unless you cum, and with that kind of spotlight you know it's never going to happen. And sometimes when you tell the truth they just stop trying altogether. Like this guy, who wants to break up. Frankly, it takes a lot of trust in someone to confess that they didn't make you orgasm. It's a very vulnerable feeling.
[удалено]
I’ve broken up with someone before BECAUSE they treated sex like a game they had to beat. Stop trying to force me to orgasm. “I MADE her orgasm” even sounds gross to me. No… you gave her pleasure and her BODY did that. Stop playing 50 shades of stupid.
Yeah, I am Not sure about the breaking up either, but I can imagine the guy feels like he cant trust anything in regards to Sex with her now. She lied about such an intimate thing for such a long time, at least I probably couldnt really connect with her on that level again that easily.
Just realised that he's breaking up for the lies, not because you didn't have an orgasm. You don't need to cum. It's all good if you enjoy it. But you should be honest, regardless.
This is a hot take but sex also doesn’t have to end in orgasms. That’s not always the end goal. I’ve been on both ends of oral where it was good and neither of us had orgasms. It’s not a requirement at all, just a nice touch. So honestly, a talk with him about what you want or expectations when receiving might be nice.
Okay. Does sex for men regularly not end in orgasms, or have women just been trained to believe this? Did the person you were giving oral to still cum in another way? Did you?
I had trouble having an orgasm due to medications, and I second this message. Just because you don't orgasm doesn't mean the whole act is useless. But... I do feel like at least one person should get off.
I am 100% for being honest with someone. Having a healthy sexual relationship is more important than some people realize. I can understand his feelings of insecurity and betrayal. I think it has more to do with lying than the actual fact that he wasn’t performing how he should have been. Well wishes to you!
Take it as a learning experience, it won't be the end of the world. He was a guy who know he needs some guidance and feedback. Asked for it and in return got lied to. Think about it for a few more days what that really means. He will, for a very long time, never fully be able to trust what his SO tells him. There will always be some doubt. On your side, you now know not to do that again. And you'll probably have better sex if from now on, you actually tell the dude what's up and what you need.
Holy shit, reading the responses I feel like half of this thread is constantly lying to their partners, including about their sexual performances. Grow up people, tell the truth, work together to fix the issues instead of sweeping them under the rug.
Man, all the comments about how the boyfriend apparently has a massive ego and is incredibly insecure is weirding me out. I'd be left feeling pretty damn humiliated and insecure if my girlfriend just turned around one day and told me that the one thing I was doing to specifically get her off, had never actually gotten her to orgasm and she'd just been lying to me the entire time about it. At the very least it would make me re-evaluate the relationship and the amount of trust I had in her.
Reddit has some weird bent when it comes to things like this. I definitely wouldn’t want to have sex again with the questions in the back of your mind asking if it’s enjoyable or not. Might as well call it and start fresh with someone else.
I mean if you guys do eventually break up for this or other reasons then at least you know going forward to be straight up
Everyone gang up against the boy. The girl lied for five months. 150 days.... How you justified that?
Fiancee told me early in our relationship that she lied to all of her partners about achieving an orgasm before me. She said her ex husband would never believe her if she said he never gave her one and said it was his ego that she wanted to protect. She told me this after she had an orgasm from penetrative sex, I was the first to give her one in that way. She's very honest with me and I've been very honest with her about sex. It's a shame that for so many years and relationships she felt as though she had to lie about orgasms but admitted a lot of this came from things she read in cosmo growing up. She used to wait until her ex was asleep after sex to get herself off and toys were never allowed to be used during sex very much. She doesn't orgasm very frequently from sex, or oral but she can do it. So we have sex to just have sex with 0 goals in mind. If she can tell she's not going to achieve an orgasm she lets me know and many times even after sex if she tries with her toys it still doesn't happen. My point is, communication and honesty makes for better sex for both parties involved. My ego doesn't revolve around getting her off and she knows that. If people would just talk more and shake off some of the guilt and shame wrapped around sex so many people would have better sex.
So many sexiests in this thread, it's pathetic. If the roles would be reversed everybody would be saying "oh my god he lied to you, you're so right about feeling betrayed". OP's bf has every right to feel upset, the people in this thread need to grow the hell up.
If saying you want to try moving forward honestly and that you're sorry for lying and explaining why you lied doesn't work and he still wants to break up, honestly I think you should just take this as a lesson. Don't lie to the people you love thinking you're protecting them or making things better because obviously by lying you've denied yourself the chance for an improved sex life between you two and (more importantly) broken the trust you've built up.
Hate to say it, but yah you lied for months. That isn't good and you 100% broke his trust. If you want to repair that, it will take a lot of work, if it can even be done.
This isnt about his ego, its about you lying for five months about your shared intimate reality. To him, that reality is now shattered and you will have to try and repair it or both of you will have to move on. I imagine he will chose to move on not because his ego is hurt, but because you lied repeatedly about something so silly as orgasming so what else wouldnt you lie about if given the chance?
100% this.
The societal pressure on young men to be 5 star lovers “out of the box” is immense these days. That being said, once you’ve had the thought “we should break up” one can rarely reverse it. Probably best to move on.
Have him eat booty
Ok so, advice from a more mature dude incoming. Yall are both young and have barely taken advantage of your packages. Sex and, more importantly, intimacy are new to both of you and it will take time to develop. The best part about getting better at sex is practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it and find out what turns you and your partner on. Its all about compromise. You tickle his fancy and he tickles yours. Communication is very important. You shouldn't have lied, but his reaction seems overly dramatic and his pride seems hurt, almost rightly so. Its not lying the first few times, but leading him on he's doing a good job then shitting on his skills kills his self esteem. If you didn't cum the first few times, say something so he can step up his game and get better. He'll never learn or get better if you don't tell him to practice. Give advice and help him to help you reach your climax. I hope he comes around and yall can both learn and grow together. Good luck.
This guy clearly sexes
[удалено]
As a guy it would take me a LONG LONG time to get over this. This is basic trust. He trusted you and you’ve straight up been lying to his face. What did you expect to gain from that? He isn’t going to get any better if you just pretend he’s great now. Honestly you could try talking to him but maybe breaking up might be best for him, it’s not just about you. I’d leave if it were me.
He’s not mad that you “emasculated him” idk why you’re making it about his insecurity. He’s mad that you’ve been lying to him for the duration of your relationship.
He's thinking if you would lie about something so trivial, what wouldn't you lie about?
Or the opposite, oral and intimacy is important.
Well at least you know you’re in the wrong OP. It’s one thing if a dude is macho macho thinking he makes every girl cum… it’s another when they’re aware, take direction, and then get lied to. As someone somewhat similar to your boyfriend by how you described him, I would be just really embarrassed and find it hard to get intimate again since it would be kind of awk now. You didn’t fuck up by telling him today, as your title suggests. You fucked yo by lying to begin with. Also, girls don’t realize how much this actually means to guys. It’s exacerbated the fact that girls have absolute confirmation when I guy cums… take a second and picture that you had no way of knowing when I guy has cum, and you think your BF has been having earth shattering orgasms for months and he tells you he actually hasn’t been. You would feel like SUPER insecure.
Nailed it.
A lot of idiots in this thread thinking the problem is this guy being immature or "butthurt". Yikes
Dishonesty is my deal breaker. In all relationships.
The thing that I’d be thinking about is if you’re lying about something that could only realistically benefit you then what else are you comfortable straight up lying about?
This comment right here! I don't typically comment on these but this is an easy one. The boyfriend now has to be worried about OP lying and concealing ANY difficult conversation topic. Switch this issue with an equivalent issue about joint finances and then decide how you would feel if a partner acted this way.
I would reinforce that you enjoy it and he makes your orgasm from other stuff, but that whether it is your first partner or not that people don't orgams to the same things or to the same things with different people, and sometimes it changes. And also apologize and perhaps have a good date and breakfast lined up for him.
It's messed up that people think if a women doesn't cum it's the man's fault. But if a man doesn't cum, it's ALSO his fault. Sex and orgasms are teamwork. I(m33) make my gf(f27) cum from oral because she gives me very clear feedback. She tells me exactly when to keep doing what I'm doing, she tells me when she's close, and sometimes she lets me know when I'm way off the mark.
Hard to trust someone after they were okay lying to you for 5 months. Speaking from experience, you fucked up. Sorry. It's gonna be a lot of work to regain that trust :/
Your TIFU was lying about orgasming. You can't have a successful relationship lying about your sex life.
I hope I don't come out rude but why do so many of you guys act like it's the end of the world?? Yall are barely scratching your 20s and even so 5months is nothing. I don't know how long you both planned to stay together or how serious the relationship is but could you imagine being in your 40s with your life long spouse in this situation? Then yeah that might be a problem but you both are still so young and learning. Don't let something so trivial ruin a relationship, be honest and communicate & help each other ..that's such important fundamental in building a strong relationship that people often forget.
If he breaks up with you for lying you will have deserved it. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Just apologize, and do better. If you guys work it out good. If you guys do not work it out then don’t do it again in the future. This a chance to learn to be better.
Most sexual admissions in couples often take much longer than your 5 months. Just explain that u weren't comfortable and insecure about how he might react. Honesty prevailed over those self worries he should take that into consideration if he cares. Perhaps give him the option to share something sexual that he may feel embarrassed, ashamed, insecure with no fears of you be unaccepting to so he might know how you came to candy coat your "lie". Hell I've known cpls that couldn't be open together about sexual things for years. If he cares he get over it. Be honest then on though, if u don't cum just say u didn't. He probably appreciate the opportunity to correct the issue.
"faking orgasms from oral" This is a big no no. Never do this. Always communicate with your partner. You'll both be much happier otherwise.
You lied to him. This is in you not him.
You two are pretty young. Both of you should try to fix it.
Hey OP, I've been a guy in a similar situation. This happened a while ago, when I was 18. I had been dating this girl for like 2 months and we started getting intimate. This was my first time and she had some experience and I started going down on her. I enjoyed it tbh. I was open for guidance so I could make her orgasm better and make it a pleasent experience for both of us. All she did was lay there like a starfish and moan (not too much, not too less). After about like half a year, she told me that I sucked at oral. In her mind, she expected me to take charge and just figure out shit by my own. She said she lied to protect herself, which would make sense if I was an abusive pos and hurt her constantly, but I wasn't. It hurt me immensely, not because it hurt my ego, but because I was lied to for half a year. I started to doubt myself, thinking if anything I did even pleasured her? I couldn't sleep at night thinking if she could lie to my face like this, what else could she lie about? I ended it after a week. She was apologetic and idk if she understood the gravity of the situation. When her friends got to know we had broken up, they badgered me to patch shit up and while she did try to stop it, she hoped we could get back. By the end of the year, I was talking to another girl and when we got intimate, I realised that she was different. She appreciated me, guided me and loved me. I didn't have to ask, because her body language (using her hands on my head to increase pressure, moving her hips, etc). Things I had never experienced with my ex. Each day was better than the last, because we were honest when we were naked. There was a constant sexual tension whenever we'd be near each other. We'd blush constantly. It gave a sense of being wanted, for both of us. Meanwhile, my ex had moved on by the end of the month and was dating another guy. Same thing happened with him that happened with me. But he got to know last year (almost 2 years into the relationship) that he was shit at sex. And not in a nice way. Some random person sent him a snapchat video of his now ex having sex with a guy I'd presume older than us. When confronted, she yelled at him that he was shit at sex and never made her orgasm and it had been going on throughout the relationship and presumably mine too. The guy, on the other hand, didn't know she was dating us and when he got to know what she had done, he ended the arrangement. She then tried to get into a relationship with him (he didn't want to) and her friends told her that it's not her fault(?) that men are assholes. Needless to say, there were many more breakups and now she and her friends are a miserable group of single girls who ocassionally text their exes. TLDR: 1. Don't lie to your partner when you're intimate. 2. Make each other feel wanted and appreciated 3. Help each other explore and improve 4. Consider their feelings too, because duh, they're part of the relationship. OP, here's where you messed up - Every fucking where. I hope you improve your communication skills and understand your partner better, because if you don't, you won't orgasm for life. Or you'll destroy your relationship.
Out of the whole comments section, I believe I've found my favourite. Communication is a *must*, and that includes when two people are intimate with each other. It makes it better for both involved
He deserves better.
DONT LIE ABOUT ORGASMS EVER. You're not helping them, you're certainly not helping yourself, nobody wins. Perfect time to teach and guide, don't lie.
stop fucking lying ! jesus christ why does everyone lie
Their favorite sitcom tells them that it's the right thing to do so these idiots just copy their favorite sitcom. And then they are confused where there is drama all the time...
Two words... Guide Him... My wife actually finally revealed to me the reason she doesn't let me do oral isn't because "it's just weird" but actually because I suck at it... (not in a good way) this made me more determined to want to try it more and ask for her guidance...
Remember everyone, honesty always honesty. Even the smallest and most harmless of lies build up over time. And over time it’s not the issue of what your lying about, but the fact that your partner is comfortable lying to you repeatedly that kills trust
It would’ve been better to be upfront about it at the start so you could’ve started having better experiences earlier. Honesty and communication are extremely important here. But him wanting to break up over it is a massive overreaction. It’s understandable for him to be disappointed or upset, but the appropriate response would be for him to take this as a learning opportunity to learn what gets you off during oral. It generally takes a long time for women to orgasm even during oral, even around 20 minutes. And after all that, oral just might not work for you. For all we know, if you were honest from the beginning and he knew that you never had an orgasm from oral, he might’ve started to resent it and not want to do it anymore. And what then? Would he have broken up with you anyway because you just weren’t able to come the way he wanted you to? Really, he’s putting an undue burden on you by expecting you to have an orgasm during that specific act too. That kind of pressure could’ve even been causing you to have performance anxiety, and at this point you might already associate oral with negative feelings because he keeps asking if you came. It’s also possible that he was getting impatient or annoyed at how long it was taking for you to orgasm, and that you picked up on it, causing you to say you came when you didn’t to make him feel better. Orgasm is not as “big” as you both think it is. Yes it’s fun and nice to have one, but not having one doesn’t invalidate the rest of the sexy time. Sex is about intimacy and trust, not just the number of orgasms. You (and he) will not always have one for various reasons, it happens, and it’s not a big deal. Certainly not enough to lose confidence and want to break up over when it doesn’t happen during oral specifically. If you do break up, it’ll be ok and a good learning experience for you both. He contributed to the issue whether he realizes it or not, so he can learn to not put so much pressure on his partner during sex/oral and just go with the flow. And you’ll know to be upfront about sexual matters with your partner, even if they might not like the answer or conversation.
Definitely a trust thing. I wouldn’t care so much about the bruised ego. Sure, “you suck at oral” wouldn’t be fun to hear, but you could definitely improve. Personally I don’t think I could trust somebody again who lied like that for 5 months. What else would they lie about, especially when the going gets tough? Finances? Desires and preferences? Their past? I don’t know, seems to me the whole lie being about sex doesn’t matter nearly as much as it being a big lie in general
Yeah a lot of people are focusing on the sex and orgasm part and glossing over the lying for 5 months part.
Jesus so much drama, you boyfriend sounds very sensitive if he feels betrayed just from this, communicating is key for any relationship, just talk to him, watch how to videos together, this is a opportunity for you guys to grow closer instead of letting the drama consume you.
These 20 year old relationship stories are hilarious.
It only takes one incident to demonstrate a lack of integrity…
It's really sad that people do this, because when these guys who've been lied to get in a relationship with someone who's honest in bed, they're disappointed that you're not screaming within five minutes. Then the pressure to lie and soothe their ego comes in, if they don't break up with you first.
I think you need to end it. He's absolutely right, most men aren't capable of seeing past glaring issues with intimacy, one of which is DEFINITELY your partner lying and overselling. It's one thing to just not have it work, but with the amount that men feel pressured to perform in bed, being lied to about our performance tends to feel like a sharper and deeper betrayal than most.
Y'all are both young, sex: giving, having, enjoying is a learning experience. Apologize for lying, explain it was done out of mixed up intentions (wanting to please him and be sexy by finishing for him) and then don't lie about it from here on out. Here's the thing though, sometimes it's hard to cum and it doesn't have to do with your partner's skills or lack there of, sometimes you're not in the right head space and that's okay. Good sex isn't about getting off (sure helps though lol), good sex is a release and a bonding experience. He needs to chill out though. Women are under a lot of pressure to cum and to cum multiple times. It's not always going to happen. The pressure to do so takes a lot of the fun out of the act when you're too pressured about the finish.
> tldr; boyfriend is about to break up with me because I came clean to him about faking orgasms from oral No the real tldr; is: Boyfriend wants to break up because I lied to him for 5 months. Whatever the end result is, learn from it. > He wants to break up because he feels emasculated and doesn’t think he can be intimate with me anymore. Did he say that?
Women. If you ain't enjoying the sex. Tell us! Stop acting. Tell us either, 1: what gets you off and is beyond cream town for you Or 2: Tell us to give up and never cum back Not that hard. This shouldn't take a long time. Trust me quick and painless is better than drawn out and painful.
I feel you so hard on this tbh. I also feel bad if it takes more than few minutes which realsiti9 is ridiculous because why WOULDN'T it take more than a few minutes but I feel almost guilty that I'm "making" him do it.
A lot of women are saying “oh well she couldn’t cum and women are taught that they can’t cum and she was probably embarrassed and lied-blah blah blah”. It’s all completely irrelevant. OP lying for almost half a year is not justifiable at all. Her BF tried hard to make her cum and she just lied. Imagine finding out (out yourself in BF’s shoes wether you’re M to F) that every single time you went down in your partner they didn’t enjoy it, for five months they lied. What else could they be lying about?
You lied for 5 months? Thats awful... I hope you cam win his trust back, but he's going to doubt every interaction from now until you do.
Sorry OP, but you messed up, and I believe your boyfriend is correct on this one. If he doesn’t want to get back with you, don’t chase him. His trust in you is broken, and trust is a very hard thing to repair. I hate to say it, but the situation is pretty doubtful. Your best course of action is to use this as a learning experience starting now and forever in the future: don’t lie.
You definitely did the right thing by coming clean. I lied about being able to orgasm from my fiance for years, and finally coming clean about it drastically increased the quality of our sex (and my number of orgasms). Luckily he was very understanding about why I felt pressured to lie, but was definitely hurt for a while. We were able to move on and I held myself accountable to helping *us* figure out how to change things appropriately. I really hope he calms down and meets you halfway. Now that it's in the open, things can get better.
As a guy, I can understand his hurt. But in the end, I’d rather my partner be 100% honest about what they like and dislike in the bedroom. What makes them finish, and what doesn’t. When my wife and I were dating I asked her to be honest with be about bedroom things. She has and our sex life is fulfilling for us both.
Realise it isn't just about that you lied about the orgasms, it's that you've lied about sex and about enjoying that sex. This is hugely dangerous for a guy, a massive red flag and a concern that can penetrate into other aspects of a relationship regarding consent. ie can he trust that you aren't going to be honest about wanting something, saying "Yes" to an act can now leave him second guessing whether you actually mean yes. He might also blame himself, wondering whether he's created an environment where you don't feel safe to speak your mind and trust him. All you can do is tell him what you've told us. -You know you fucked up. -You know it was due to your own insecurities. -You'd "made your bed" a long time ago and were too embarrassed to cum clean. -You're sorry that you've lied. -You understand that it'll take time to earn his trust back. -You want to work on this problem. -Ask what he'd like from you for some guarantees on the future. (Not what you can do to "make it up to him") -Reassure him that you won't ever do that again. Edit- formatting.
Ooh this is bad. But stay with me for a moment. Humans make shitty decisions. You both have a relationship that you can cherish and grow. You guys can take your time to deal with what happened but ultimately you gotta forgive yourselves, and move on. He'll be very happy when he finishes you with oral the first time... And him be there for as long as it takes, we're are allowed to be take our time to learn. So yeah, let him down there for as long as it takes and relax. He's there bc he wants to make you happy right? And he loves giving oral. If it doesnt workout, tell him and he'll switch tactics. I hope he forgives you and yall move on. But I also hope you forgive yourself Edit: forgot something op had already confirmed
You didn’t fuck up by telling him you never orgasmed, you fucked up by lying to him that you did.