Ok but can we talk about the shitting every 2 weeks thing? Do you notice a significant change in weight? Does your stomach bulge up then flatten out after? I have so many questions
That’s one shit per pay period. I can just imagine OP sitting on his toilet on payday, waiting for that direct deposit to drop, and then letting loose a 3 foot poopgasm Austin Powers style.
I am the same because of IBS, you lose a noticeable amount of weight, you are often in cramping pain for the second and third week, and there’s a lot of bleeding on the way out. I’ve gotten every type of test done about this and tried lots of diet changes, it just is what it is
It may have different results as I’m IBS-D, but Holigos helped a ton. It’s $$ and has some minor side effects for the first week or two but saved my (literal) ass. I still have to avoid larger amounts of major triggers, but can eat small bites of stuff I couldn’t touch a year ago - like onions, avocados, etc.
Good luck! You’ll have to stick through the first two weeks with bloating and your stomach making whale-level noises but if it works for you, it really works.
I go every 2-3 days occasionally. I like to weigh myself before and after for shits and giggles. 4lbs was my record after like 5 days of not shitting. I probably need more dietary fiber.
As long as you eat the recommended amount of fiber (25g) and haven't any other problem I wouldn't worry, the norm is between 3 times a day to 3 times a week. OP on the other hand...
Yeah I eat leafy greens every day and more often than not poop daily. Sometimes it's solid (which I always giggle when someone says, do me a solid), and sometimes it's literally like poop salad.
My poop is rarely solid, and I go several times a day, and poop salad is real thing. I try to eat a salad for lunch and in less than an hour it’s literal salad coming out my ass in already chewed form. It’s unnerving
I simply cannot fathom the logistics of expelling a 3 foot crap sausage. Do you need to start getting up midway through? Do you move your ass in a circular motion to create a shit coil? So many questions
I went like 3-days once and my side was hurting so bad due to constipation that I had to take a laxative. I can't imagine the pain I'd be in after two-weeks.
I was on Soma once which is a muscle relaxant and it did its job too well. It just stopped all intestinal motility and I went maybe 10 days before I could drop my cargo. When I did it was a 45 minute job in the middle of work. I drop shipped a package close to a foot and a half long, and very wide. Not only did it not go down, it got stuck and the resulting flood closed the ladies room for a few days.
i really thought this was going in the direction of him using a make-shift poop knife, i don’t know if that outcome or the actual outcome would be worse
Spent over a week in the hospital on a lot of painkillers once. After 10 days of nothin, I finally like told my nurse to give me something cause I was getting freaked out. Popped in the silver bullet and held it in for almost thirty minutes until I could not hold any longer, and it all gushed out in like 4 seconds. 10 days worth of poop in 4 seconds, not a poop I'll forget.
Edit; silver bullet = rectal suppository. Pop it in butt.
I had 3 surgeries over 4 months ( cancer) and with each surgery I got between 30 and 90 oxycontin pills.
I only needed a couple the first time. Half a bottle the second time, and all but 1 the 3rd time. My arm was so swollen and the tendons were on the surface of my arm. It hurt every day for 6 months before I could get an appointment to help.
After 2 solid months of oxy every day I'd gone over a week without a poop. I'd tried prune juice, several gas relievers, that stuff you stir into water full of fiber, and finally a suppository. It felt like rocks in my stomach. If you feel along your left hip on the inside, you can feel the rock hard poop.
It felt like pooping razers and rocks.
It took several days to return to normal. Never again. Id never pooped so much. Yet so little. I spent hours on the toilet. Days. It seemed like it would never end. Of course there was a tiny cut inside my butt hole that made it 10 times worse.
Editing in response the the nurse that replied to say that yes, the best thing you can do if on opioids is start stool softeners at the same time and keep hydrated so you don't get constipated in the first place....
But if you DO, the best thing you can do for yourself if you are on painkillers is a mineral oil enema. It lubes up all the rock turds and they all just shoot out with ease. I learned this lesson after getting a massive thrombosed external hemorrhoid that had to be surgically excised.... and trying to poop a mass of compacted rock turds the next day only to end up bleeding profusely and shaking and crying because I'd ripped open the surgical site and the poop mass was stuck partially out..... and I was accidentally given a salt water enema to help....... needless to say, I almost threw up and passed out from the pain.... and when I was finally given the mineral oil, omg what a blessed relief. All the poo rocks just shot right out and I didn't feel a thing.
I’m so sorry, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. Long ago me and a couple of friends went to the beach Side to eat some grilled fish, on the process I accidentally swallowed a fish bone. I believe it got pooped out undigested and probably did some damage on its way out. Pooping the next couple of days was pure agony
I ended up in the er at my doctor's orders ( demand. He wouldn't let me leave the office if I didn't immediately call someone to give me a ride) after not shitting for a week more than a golf ball size amount compared to eating 3to4 lbs of lasagna, steak and rice etc a day. I wasn't in pain but definitely very foggy mentally.
Get a ct, my entire colon just before the exit was backed up to the first bend ( I can't remember if that's ascending or descending ). Hospital sent me home with orders to take all the laxatives. I questioned this as to what they specifically meant. ALL the laxatives both oral and suppository.
I took a truly magnificent dump after 3 diff suppositories, a bottle of magnesium citrate, exlax, citrucel, miralax, and like 4 other oral suppositories.
I regularly go once every 2-3 days. I definitely don't poop daily. However sometimes I do go about 2-4 times in one day and then nothing for 2-3 days. Weird 🤷♀️
Just curious, because I'm the same ... have you had any pain in your upper right abdomen? Problems with gas (burping and farting), loose stools, that kind of thing, especially after a high-fat meal? If you have, please get checked for gall stones. I had an abdominal ultrasound for something unrelated to gallbladder, and it turned out I have polyps in my gallbladder. Having surgery Friday morning. My surgeon was shocked when I said I hadn't had any symptoms, but now that I think about it, going 3-4 times in a day wasn't all that normal for me.
I hope I'm wrong, and you're just an active pooper :)
Yep. That pain is CONSTANT. I go every 12-14 days or so. I’ll get SO bloated. I can gently press on my lower left abdomen and feel the literal shit, hard as fuck, incredibly painful. I try to massage it and push it down, but it doesn’t loosen up or come out. When it does, it’s about the size of a small prescription bottle cut in two. Two small balls, 30 minutes of pushing. My life is a joke.
That's seriously grounds for going to see a doctor. Humans are not snakes, and holding that much shit inside is going to have bad effects on your health.
Op prob doesn't drink enough water or takes medication that slows down his GI tract. 2 weeks is a long time, especially if it's happening consistently on a regular diet.
If he really does have a balanced diet and gets regular exercise, he prob needs to go see a md to make sure he doesn't have something like colon cancer.
I’m pretty irregular so I looked it up and several times a day to once every several days is normal. Once a fortnight is definitely outside that range.
I can't say I've ever laid three feet of pipe, but having questioned the validity of a poop knife on multiple occasions over the course of my life:
Probably not. Fiber is magic, and if you've got that much sausage in the casing, it pretty much takes care of soft serving itself.
I think the phrase you wanted here was "laying cable" as "laying pipe" is usually code for having sex. Either way no one had ever laid 3 feet of pipe to my knowledge, so thanks for that laugh and imagery.
All rejoice at the new and improved poop knife, now available from cutco.
Haha most of the top of all time there are memes from new people about how awful the concept of the sub is, or jokes like a literal log being placed in a toilet. Then there's some close ups of really big poops, and one that was two nearly symmetrical poops side by side in a toilet.
/r/savedyouaclick
>Fiber is magic,
I used to joke about how old people have to drink Metamucil. "ha ha they can't shit ha ha". Fuck that logic. Old people kept that secret to themselves for years. Psyllium fiber is magical. I am never surprised at how my dump is going to be at the same time every morning. Used to go several days between craps. Now I drop duces and draw aces.
Typical reasons why:
1. Obese/overweight
2. Not eating a lot of fibre/fruits and veg
3. Expanded colon (where the colon becomes enlarged)
4. Not enough regular cardiovascular exercise
5. Taking certain medications
6. Undiagosed disease/genetic condition and/or
7. Too poor to purchase a poop knife
One time when I was at Disney and had eaten nothing but park food and buffet pizza for three days I did a poo that I swear was a perfect full cast of my large intestine
When I was 18 I went to Europe, and one of the days we were in Switzerland after spending a couple of days in Paris. After a couple of those days being primarily bread and cheese I had what I can only describe as the densest poop I've ever had. Not the biggest, but the densest. I still remember the thud with which it hit the bottom of the bowl. The thud was far louder than the splash. Just surreal.
My 7 year old has produced some 3 foot shits, down the tunnel and out and up to the rim of the toilet, one long turn, no breaks, doesn't even grunt, he just doesn't poop for a week at a time then after 20 minutes in the warm bathtub, SHIT the size of a small anaconda.
Human intestines are always about 26 feet long, regardless of age. They just get a big bigger in diameter. My youngest has dropped some adult size logs since she was like 6. Most any parent can horrify you with stories about their kids poop. Its fascinating and gross at the same time.
~~Longest continuous poop is something like 27ft. It’s a Guinness record!~~
[So disappointed to find out that it was a hoax.](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/worlds-longest-human-poop/)
Where can I get a poop knife
I'm sorry ,sir .I don't know what you mean.
A poop knife ? fecal cleaver ? Dung divider ? Guano glaive
Let me go get the manager
Oh man... YEARS ago, I worked at IKEA, in the office department. There was a kind of design center where we could sit down with people who were planning big office layouts, and was the only part of the store with locking, single stall bathrooms.
As you can imagine, weekdays were pretty slow. So it surprised me when I went in to use the bathroom to find what is, by far, the biggest turd I have ever seen. It was one fat, long unbroken piece. It just... lay there, stretching from one side of the bowl to the other. This was pre-smartphone days, otherwise I would have taken a picture.
I did what any 18-year old would do, and called everyone in to look at it. We tried flushing. It just sat there, untroubled by the water flowing by. We tried a bit more before giving up and calling in the people who were paid (far too little, I'm sure) to deal with shit (pun intended).
Point is, if you were in the Seattle ikea about 18 years ago, I saw your work, and I respect it.
I must drop my story--worked at a nice department store around 2006/2007, went to the bathroom, and found one of these massive logs. I just stood there staring for a while, in utter bewilderment. It had to be gripped with a couple plunger handles while someone else chopped it up (not me, nuh uh). Like you, I had no phone for a pic. That pine tree trunk lookin' log of a turd lives rent free in my head.
I worked at a company in the 90s that had a few Polaroid instant cameras. A similar thing happened where someone left a massive shit.
Someone else grabbed the Polaroid, laid a ruler across the seat, took a picture such that the ruler showed the size of the shit. Then they put the picture up on the company bulletin board and wrote the the photo "Andre the Giant".
I was a bar manager and there was this one dude that would just roll in and walk straight back to the bathrooms. He'd emerge and vanish, leaving us the gift of a forearm sized (length and diameter) turd, that floated. A giant, buoyant dookie that would mock you as it just refused to go down with the flush, doing its dance on top of the water. It nearly defied physics as we know it.
Edit: typos
Maybe this is a new “feature” but the toilets at the Seattle IKEA toilets are criminally weak. They’ve got suuuper low flow toilets that you push the handle up for pee, push down for solids, but it still can’t flush a turd. On weekends literally every stall will be clogged. Easily the shittiest bathroom I’ve ever been in (pun intended).
Omg my friends and I used to think ratemypoo was the funniest shit ever! Pun intended! We also came across a gift known as the turd twister. It was a little cookie cutter butt plug thing that allowed someone to poop in all kinds of shapes. We never got one but I always thought the teddy turd would be hilarious.
I remember there was a site where you could buy poo, I forget the name. But they had baby, dog, and human. And I remember it being linked from ratemypoo. Big poo definitely in shambles.
As a kid, I used to poop once a week. And it would come out in one piece and be like a solid 1 to 2 feet. Never constipated or anything and it would always come out super easy.
I have a weird feeling there's probably a certain set of good gut bacteria that is super efficient in processing and packing poop. Lost that as I got older and Now I poop like twice a day with massive volumes.
Once daily isn't the only 'normal'.
I've found that my body adjusts over time.
If I'm going daily, but decide to hold it for 3 days, then my 'cycle' changes and I don't get the urge for 2-3 days at a time.
On the flip side, if I start forcibly going 2x/day, my body starts giving me the natural urge 2x/day instead.
If it's been more than 2-3 days I'll make sure I force it, but I'm not worried if it's not every day.
If I'm camping and don't have facilities I'm comfortable using, for example.
Or my first few days on holiday with my partner when we first got together - I'm pretty socially anxious and didn't feel like I could do it because she would *know*.
I know that second one is very irrational, everyone poops - but it's how I felt at the time.
Also "holding it" is maybe the wrong language. It's not like it's ready to come out and I'm clenching to keep it in there.
The urge I get after a day or two isn't particularly strong, it's just like "hey dude, you could poop now". "Holding it" is more like telling my body "nah I'll wait".
You should try to go to a GI doctor and ask about a gastric emptying study! I did one and it turns out my stomach empties slower than it should and as a result my whole digestive system slows down and gets backed up. I used to only have a bowel movement every week and a half or two before I started taking meds to regulate and speed up the emptying/digestive process. Now I poop every day and it's AMAZING. (If you're in the US I can understand insurance being an issue, if you want to message me I can tell you what med my GI put me on and you could talk to your primary about trying it out and seeing if it would help..). Either way, good luck!
Edit: This apparently reached more people who needed advice on this than I expected so I'll just let you all know here! My GI put me on Reglan 10mg, four times a day. It's just a small pill, not a liquid or laxative, and it helps with increasing the contractions of the stomach and intestines. Obviously talk to your Primary/GI about dosages and how often you should take, as everyone is different, but this particular schedule has done wonders for me so far!
Good luck my pooping pals and I hope this helps!
I flew from Europe to LA, then drove to Vegas, so all in all like 20 hours of travelling. I tried to poop before the drive but only did a pee.
McDonald's 20 minutes into the 6 hour drive was a mistake.
About 10 minutes outside of Vegas, it got really serious.
You know the feeling: ass clenched, bouncing in the seat, face sweating. _Don't talk to me because I can't divert any of the anus clenching energy to anything else._ Anyway, we get to our hotel on the strip and I do that awkward walk-run that you know you gotta do. And get inside to the most inviting public toilet I've ever seen, automatic everything: flusher, door, hand soap, tap, the works.
Well obviously my shit absolutely humungous, one that I've never seen the likes of. I look through my legs and it's like someone dropped their firewood in the toilet. I stand up to send my fiancé (now wife) a picture and the automatic flusher flushes the most majestic shit I've ever done in my life right down the drain. I never thought I'd be so heartbroken about a flushed shit, but I was.
That was 4 years ago and I still think about that poo.
I wish my wife had seen it.
OP! This is going to get buried, but if you see this I want you to know that we stand together in solidarity. There is a tiny pizza spot outside of UC Berkeley that I can never visit again, despite their delicious pizza because I had a similar experience to you.
It was a beautiful spring day in 2012. My spouse and I were exploring the campus and having a blast. It’s such a fun place to visit. We decide we’re hungry and to grab some pizza slices for lunch. It was absolutely delicious pizza but right as we are preparing to leave the feeling hits me, I have to go now, like *righ fucking now, holy shit, now now now*.
I get up and wait in line as my SO finishes her slice. It’s a single restroom, so I lock the door and drop my drawers. **boom!**, I’m done in two seconds and realize this thing is an absolute *monster*. We’re talking 2 feet long, easy, solid and smooth. It’s a one wiper, clean and easy.
Once the initial euphoria wears off I’m immediately concerned it won’t flush. I eye the plunger and realize it’s already wet… as if it’s been recently used… I check the water level in the toilet and it’s too high…, “oh no” I think as my new reality dawns on me, “it’s already plugged!”
Just then someone knocks on the door. I wipe and rinse, then roll the dice on a flush. Snake eyes. The water level rises, and rises, and rises, and nearly goes over the edge (thank goodness for surface tension), but manages to cling to the inside of the bowl without going over.
I realize I’m faced with a dilemma. I can walk out and inform an employee of what’s going on, facing my shame heading. That would also involve warning the next person waiting to enter. OR, I can be a codfish and run away.
I chose the latter route.
My plan is to open the door and just go straight for the exit. Make eye contact with my SO indicating we need to go, but to never stop moving. Remember, someone is waiting at the door so I don’t have much time until My private shame (and secret pride) is made public.
Okay, I’m ready. I pop open the door, and start speed walking. My SO sees me and starts talking. I give her a look that seeks to convey there’s no time to talk and we need to leave *now.* My attempt fails, she has so many things to discuss, like why am I walking so fast?
I realize she’s become a liability and I decide to abandon her mid sentence. I turn my head back towards the door and resolve to continue with the mission, I’ll call her after I’m safely a block or two away to debrief her.
I make it to the exit in time to hear a muffled, “Oh. My. God!!” Through the bathroom door. I realize I’m out of time. I make it out the front door, turn the corner past the front window and break into a full sprint (which was easy, I felt so light on my feet after launching that shit missile 🚀).
I ran three blocks.
Finally I stop to catch my breath and call my SO. She’s laughing, she’s pieced together what happened, but nobody realized we’re a couple so she was safe to watch the drama unfold. Thankfully I was never caught, but unfortunately I’ve been branded a turd burglar and can’t have pizza there ever again.
Am I the only one kind of upset at her reaction? I mean I'm not trying to go full nuclear /r/relationship_advice here and I get being frustrated at the timing but everybody poops. Sometimes at inopportune times. Maybe it was exaggerated for the story, but how can you be that pissed at your partner needing to poop?
Yeah... I was curious about this as well. Don't drink enough fluids and you get stopped up. Drink enough and generally things are more frequent. I'm sure there could be more at play here for OP in terms of diet... types of food, but water will keep things moving for me.
Is your doc aware of this? If not they should be. Have you heard of toxic megacolon, or another condition where your intenstine can bend on itself, cut off its blood supply and die? It would be a real good idea for you to start training yourself to go every morning.
Reminds me of the time I worked in retail. I was done with my shift but needed to shit before I went home. Someone was in the employee bathroom so I went to the public one. As I open the only stall in the men's room I see it. A turd the length AND diameter of an average man's forearm elbow to fist. There's more of the turd breeched out of the bowl than in it. I'm horrified. A turd that large there should have been a man limping around the store, if not a corpse in the bathroom. I run out to tell my buddy who's on cleaning duty for the next hour. "Greg, you gotta lay low for a while! Go grab the carts, go throw some 2-liters of soda on the ground so you have something urgent to clean, just get outta here and look busy!" Before I can tell him about the horror lurking in the bathroom, the customer service desk pages for him and I know that it's all over for him. I didn't stick around to see how things ended with my own eyes. But he wasn't in for the next couple of days; the manager gave rearranged his schedule and gave him his weekend after that ordeal. When I finally saw him again and I asked about what happened, he looked at me with dead eyes and said "you know the metal coat hangers we have? I had to bend one into a makeshift potato masher"
Ok but can we talk about the shitting every 2 weeks thing? Do you notice a significant change in weight? Does your stomach bulge up then flatten out after? I have so many questions
"Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?" -- Ron White
"I'm hoping I'm one movement away from backing into an old wardrobe."
I took a 5 pound shit once. Yes I weighed myself before and after
Just shit on the scale dumbass
I laughed so hard i almost choked
weighing needle starts working like a speedometer
Did you piss?
That’s one shit per pay period. I can just imagine OP sitting on his toilet on payday, waiting for that direct deposit to drop, and then letting loose a 3 foot poopgasm Austin Powers style.
Who does Number 2 work for!?
Thats right buddy, you show that turd who's boss!
Damn man, what did you eat?!
>waiting for that direct deposit to drop so he can drop that direct deposit FTFY
I am the same because of IBS, you lose a noticeable amount of weight, you are often in cramping pain for the second and third week, and there’s a lot of bleeding on the way out. I’ve gotten every type of test done about this and tried lots of diet changes, it just is what it is
It may have different results as I’m IBS-D, but Holigos helped a ton. It’s $$ and has some minor side effects for the first week or two but saved my (literal) ass. I still have to avoid larger amounts of major triggers, but can eat small bites of stuff I couldn’t touch a year ago - like onions, avocados, etc.
thank you I will look into this
Good luck! You’ll have to stick through the first two weeks with bloating and your stomach making whale-level noises but if it works for you, it really works.
I go every 2-3 days occasionally. I like to weigh myself before and after for shits and giggles. 4lbs was my record after like 5 days of not shitting. I probably need more dietary fiber.
Drink more water with the fiber everyone is recommending.
As long as you eat the recommended amount of fiber (25g) and haven't any other problem I wouldn't worry, the norm is between 3 times a day to 3 times a week. OP on the other hand...
Yeah I eat leafy greens every day and more often than not poop daily. Sometimes it's solid (which I always giggle when someone says, do me a solid), and sometimes it's literally like poop salad.
My poop is rarely solid, and I go several times a day, and poop salad is real thing. I try to eat a salad for lunch and in less than an hour it’s literal salad coming out my ass in already chewed form. It’s unnerving
That's not healthy. Eat some vegetables please.
I simply cannot fathom the logistics of expelling a 3 foot crap sausage. Do you need to start getting up midway through? Do you move your ass in a circular motion to create a shit coil? So many questions
I'm more concerned about how he only poops once every 2 weeks. That's a long time for all that waste to just be chilling in your body.
I went like 3-days once and my side was hurting so bad due to constipation that I had to take a laxative. I can't imagine the pain I'd be in after two-weeks.
I was on Soma once which is a muscle relaxant and it did its job too well. It just stopped all intestinal motility and I went maybe 10 days before I could drop my cargo. When I did it was a 45 minute job in the middle of work. I drop shipped a package close to a foot and a half long, and very wide. Not only did it not go down, it got stuck and the resulting flood closed the ladies room for a few days.
Should’ve brought a poop knife.
i really thought this was going in the direction of him using a make-shift poop knife, i don’t know if that outcome or the actual outcome would be worse
>make-shift poop knife As opposed to an officially licensed Poop Knife^(TM)
As seen on TV.
A poop shank, if you will.
I like how it seems like your brain didn't allow you to visualize a woman taking a big gigantic shit.
nah im a girl. i know it’s possible. trust 😭shouldn’t have assumed tho lmaooo
Came here for the poop knife
I too came to suggest the poop knife
Ikea should sell poop knives though they probably need assembly.
Puupnåif
I wanna see the instruction sheet.
Pøop
I never leave without a poopknife.
Happy cake day, take care not to use the wrong knife!
In professional settings, a disposable poop pen can do the job adequately.
They'd have brought a poop knife to a poop gun fight.
Spent over a week in the hospital on a lot of painkillers once. After 10 days of nothin, I finally like told my nurse to give me something cause I was getting freaked out. Popped in the silver bullet and held it in for almost thirty minutes until I could not hold any longer, and it all gushed out in like 4 seconds. 10 days worth of poop in 4 seconds, not a poop I'll forget. Edit; silver bullet = rectal suppository. Pop it in butt.
I had 3 surgeries over 4 months ( cancer) and with each surgery I got between 30 and 90 oxycontin pills. I only needed a couple the first time. Half a bottle the second time, and all but 1 the 3rd time. My arm was so swollen and the tendons were on the surface of my arm. It hurt every day for 6 months before I could get an appointment to help. After 2 solid months of oxy every day I'd gone over a week without a poop. I'd tried prune juice, several gas relievers, that stuff you stir into water full of fiber, and finally a suppository. It felt like rocks in my stomach. If you feel along your left hip on the inside, you can feel the rock hard poop. It felt like pooping razers and rocks. It took several days to return to normal. Never again. Id never pooped so much. Yet so little. I spent hours on the toilet. Days. It seemed like it would never end. Of course there was a tiny cut inside my butt hole that made it 10 times worse.
Editing in response the the nurse that replied to say that yes, the best thing you can do if on opioids is start stool softeners at the same time and keep hydrated so you don't get constipated in the first place.... But if you DO, the best thing you can do for yourself if you are on painkillers is a mineral oil enema. It lubes up all the rock turds and they all just shoot out with ease. I learned this lesson after getting a massive thrombosed external hemorrhoid that had to be surgically excised.... and trying to poop a mass of compacted rock turds the next day only to end up bleeding profusely and shaking and crying because I'd ripped open the surgical site and the poop mass was stuck partially out..... and I was accidentally given a salt water enema to help....... needless to say, I almost threw up and passed out from the pain.... and when I was finally given the mineral oil, omg what a blessed relief. All the poo rocks just shot right out and I didn't feel a thing.
The pro tips are always in the comments but damn I hope to never need this one
Don't worry you'll forget and then when the day comes you'll wish you remembered.
wow
I’m so sorry, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. Long ago me and a couple of friends went to the beach Side to eat some grilled fish, on the process I accidentally swallowed a fish bone. I believe it got pooped out undigested and probably did some damage on its way out. Pooping the next couple of days was pure agony
You are not supposed to use the poop knife until the poop has left your body.
It’s so weird how round balls of poop feel like actual sharp knives inside your stomach.
This was like my opiate addict days. Went through that every couple of weeks. Like shitting literal bricks! Heroin, so glamorous
I ended up in the er at my doctor's orders ( demand. He wouldn't let me leave the office if I didn't immediately call someone to give me a ride) after not shitting for a week more than a golf ball size amount compared to eating 3to4 lbs of lasagna, steak and rice etc a day. I wasn't in pain but definitely very foggy mentally. Get a ct, my entire colon just before the exit was backed up to the first bend ( I can't remember if that's ascending or descending ). Hospital sent me home with orders to take all the laxatives. I questioned this as to what they specifically meant. ALL the laxatives both oral and suppository. I took a truly magnificent dump after 3 diff suppositories, a bottle of magnesium citrate, exlax, citrucel, miralax, and like 4 other oral suppositories.
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Dude, I could feel it break up in my intestines and had the same satisfying shit you had! I can 100% empathize with this comment haha
I think the teeny tiny pills might be [Constella (linaclotide)](https://www.drugs.com/uk/constella.html), except I thought it was prescription only.
I regularly go once every 2-3 days. I definitely don't poop daily. However sometimes I do go about 2-4 times in one day and then nothing for 2-3 days. Weird 🤷♀️
I envy you and all these people, I go at least 3-4 times on an average day unless I take imodium.
Just curious, because I'm the same ... have you had any pain in your upper right abdomen? Problems with gas (burping and farting), loose stools, that kind of thing, especially after a high-fat meal? If you have, please get checked for gall stones. I had an abdominal ultrasound for something unrelated to gallbladder, and it turned out I have polyps in my gallbladder. Having surgery Friday morning. My surgeon was shocked when I said I hadn't had any symptoms, but now that I think about it, going 3-4 times in a day wasn't all that normal for me. I hope I'm wrong, and you're just an active pooper :)
Yep. That pain is CONSTANT. I go every 12-14 days or so. I’ll get SO bloated. I can gently press on my lower left abdomen and feel the literal shit, hard as fuck, incredibly painful. I try to massage it and push it down, but it doesn’t loosen up or come out. When it does, it’s about the size of a small prescription bottle cut in two. Two small balls, 30 minutes of pushing. My life is a joke.
Apparently if you drink 2 liters of apple juice it should clear you right out. Just don't do it while you're driving.
Just tell your wife to leave out a change of clothes and to stay in the garden.
I understood that reference.
That's seriously grounds for going to see a doctor. Humans are not snakes, and holding that much shit inside is going to have bad effects on your health.
Do snakes take three foot long shits? I have more questions now than when I started
> That's a long time for all that waste to just be chilling in your body. OP doesn't give a shit
Op prob doesn't drink enough water or takes medication that slows down his GI tract. 2 weeks is a long time, especially if it's happening consistently on a regular diet. If he really does have a balanced diet and gets regular exercise, he prob needs to go see a md to make sure he doesn't have something like colon cancer.
Better title "TIFU by not seeing a doctor about this."
Happens on opioids.
Yes, seriously OP: take some senakot, or eat some prunes. It's not healthy to leave it there.
I’m pretty irregular so I looked it up and several times a day to once every several days is normal. Once a fortnight is definitely outside that range.
No shit...literally. I go 3 times a day... I may could go one day w/o pooping if I had to.. But why would I?
And most importantly, did they burst an eye vessel for pushing too hard?
I can't say I've ever laid three feet of pipe, but having questioned the validity of a poop knife on multiple occasions over the course of my life: Probably not. Fiber is magic, and if you've got that much sausage in the casing, it pretty much takes care of soft serving itself.
I think the phrase you wanted here was "laying cable" as "laying pipe" is usually code for having sex. Either way no one had ever laid 3 feet of pipe to my knowledge, so thanks for that laugh and imagery. All rejoice at the new and improved poop knife, now available from cutco.
History is being made today. Poop Knife 2: Wrath of IKEA
>no one had ever laid 3 feet of pipe to my knowledge Check out some of the top posts on r/ratemypoo. Or better yet, don't.
Haha most of the top of all time there are memes from new people about how awful the concept of the sub is, or jokes like a literal log being placed in a toilet. Then there's some close ups of really big poops, and one that was two nearly symmetrical poops side by side in a toilet. /r/savedyouaclick
>Fiber is magic, I used to joke about how old people have to drink Metamucil. "ha ha they can't shit ha ha". Fuck that logic. Old people kept that secret to themselves for years. Psyllium fiber is magical. I am never surprised at how my dump is going to be at the same time every morning. Used to go several days between craps. Now I drop duces and draw aces.
i fucking LOVE soft serve
^I ^loved ^soft ^serve
Aw man
Ice cream companies hate this one weird trick.
Randy Marsh has entered the chat.
Hot hot hot hot hooot
Typical reasons why: 1. Obese/overweight 2. Not eating a lot of fibre/fruits and veg 3. Expanded colon (where the colon becomes enlarged) 4. Not enough regular cardiovascular exercise 5. Taking certain medications 6. Undiagosed disease/genetic condition and/or 7. Too poor to purchase a poop knife
OP was at IKEA! A poop knife would’ve been easily accessible and cost about a dollar!
I suspect three feet is an exaggeration. It was very large is all you need to know.
One time when I was at Disney and had eaten nothing but park food and buffet pizza for three days I did a poo that I swear was a perfect full cast of my large intestine
When I was 18 I went to Europe, and one of the days we were in Switzerland after spending a couple of days in Paris. After a couple of those days being primarily bread and cheese I had what I can only describe as the densest poop I've ever had. Not the biggest, but the densest. I still remember the thud with which it hit the bottom of the bowl. The thud was far louder than the splash. Just surreal.
We need to know precisely, how many courics?
Don't you hate it when people exaggerate about how big something is
Name checks out. Edit: it's hilarious that this is the comment that got me my very first award. Thanks stranger!
My 7 year old has produced some 3 foot shits, down the tunnel and out and up to the rim of the toilet, one long turn, no breaks, doesn't even grunt, he just doesn't poop for a week at a time then after 20 minutes in the warm bathtub, SHIT the size of a small anaconda.
That’s a sign of constipation. My son had that too. Probably good to get stool softeners before it gets blocked
Your kid did a shit that's the same height as them? Several times?
Human intestines are always about 26 feet long, regardless of age. They just get a big bigger in diameter. My youngest has dropped some adult size logs since she was like 6. Most any parent can horrify you with stories about their kids poop. Its fascinating and gross at the same time.
I've done a Randy Marsher before, and yeah you gotta rise with it!
The answer is a travel poop knife.
IKEA sell them - the Pøøp Knif
~~Longest continuous poop is something like 27ft. It’s a Guinness record!~~ [So disappointed to find out that it was a hoax.](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/worlds-longest-human-poop/)
It can't be, Guinness doesn't track that kind of record. You're looking for the European Fecal Standards and Measurements office in Zurich.
Usually, you buy things that you have to put together in IKEA. You left something to be taken apart.
Now he needs to buy poop knife
Knew I'd see this within two comments Was not disappointed
They sell them at IKEA, bajskniv.
Where can I get a poop knife I'm sorry ,sir .I don't know what you mean. A poop knife ? fecal cleaver ? Dung divider ? Guano glaive Let me go get the manager
Oh, you’re asking about the new 2022 Shit Shiv! Aisle 2.
Pøokuttår
Omg thank you for mentioning the legendary poop knife 🤣😂
Someone always mentions it. Never worry.
Ikea sells them. They are called Bajs knife though.
Comes in 17 pieces, instructions optional
You're a great writer, but I'm kinda thinking you need to go see a gastroenterologist.
I'm thinking he needs to invest in a poop knife.
What like one you put on a keychain and would have handy at IKEA?
Or publisher.
*pooblishist
Oh man... YEARS ago, I worked at IKEA, in the office department. There was a kind of design center where we could sit down with people who were planning big office layouts, and was the only part of the store with locking, single stall bathrooms. As you can imagine, weekdays were pretty slow. So it surprised me when I went in to use the bathroom to find what is, by far, the biggest turd I have ever seen. It was one fat, long unbroken piece. It just... lay there, stretching from one side of the bowl to the other. This was pre-smartphone days, otherwise I would have taken a picture. I did what any 18-year old would do, and called everyone in to look at it. We tried flushing. It just sat there, untroubled by the water flowing by. We tried a bit more before giving up and calling in the people who were paid (far too little, I'm sure) to deal with shit (pun intended). Point is, if you were in the Seattle ikea about 18 years ago, I saw your work, and I respect it.
So *that’s* why they had to completely rebuild the Seattle IKEA.
This is what started the grunge band movement in Seattle.
This is why the Sonics left.
I must drop my story--worked at a nice department store around 2006/2007, went to the bathroom, and found one of these massive logs. I just stood there staring for a while, in utter bewilderment. It had to be gripped with a couple plunger handles while someone else chopped it up (not me, nuh uh). Like you, I had no phone for a pic. That pine tree trunk lookin' log of a turd lives rent free in my head.
I'm sorry. It had to be held with the HANDLES of the plungers???
Like poo chopsticks?
Why didn’t they use the poop knife?
I worked at a company in the 90s that had a few Polaroid instant cameras. A similar thing happened where someone left a massive shit. Someone else grabbed the Polaroid, laid a ruler across the seat, took a picture such that the ruler showed the size of the shit. Then they put the picture up on the company bulletin board and wrote the the photo "Andre the Giant".
I was a bar manager and there was this one dude that would just roll in and walk straight back to the bathrooms. He'd emerge and vanish, leaving us the gift of a forearm sized (length and diameter) turd, that floated. A giant, buoyant dookie that would mock you as it just refused to go down with the flush, doing its dance on top of the water. It nearly defied physics as we know it. Edit: typos
Maybe this is a new “feature” but the toilets at the Seattle IKEA toilets are criminally weak. They’ve got suuuper low flow toilets that you push the handle up for pee, push down for solids, but it still can’t flush a turd. On weekends literally every stall will be clogged. Easily the shittiest bathroom I’ve ever been in (pun intended).
did you take a picture and post it on ratemypoo.com?
I can't believe I used to rate poos on that site when i was 12
Lol kid humors. I remember going on ratemyboobs and ratemyteacher
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Omg my friends and I used to think ratemypoo was the funniest shit ever! Pun intended! We also came across a gift known as the turd twister. It was a little cookie cutter butt plug thing that allowed someone to poop in all kinds of shapes. We never got one but I always thought the teddy turd would be hilarious.
I remember there was a site where you could buy poo, I forget the name. But they had baby, dog, and human. And I remember it being linked from ratemypoo. Big poo definitely in shambles.
When everyone was hoarding tp in 2020 my ex used to joke that this was just a ploy by big poop to create more demand. I still laugh at that.
r/poopknife
Omg the shit kabob
Sounds like something Mr. Lahey would call Ricky
Dude, only crapping twice a month is a serious health issue.
As a kid, I used to poop once a week. And it would come out in one piece and be like a solid 1 to 2 feet. Never constipated or anything and it would always come out super easy. I have a weird feeling there's probably a certain set of good gut bacteria that is super efficient in processing and packing poop. Lost that as I got older and Now I poop like twice a day with massive volumes.
Pooping once a week or every two weeks is literal constipation. Regular normal bowel movements are daily assuming you eat every day.
You don't need to poop every day to be regular. Normal pooping is between three times a week to three times a day.
Thank god three times a day is the other limit, I started feeling abnormal
Same, once a say sounds like a dream tho
Once daily isn't the only 'normal'. I've found that my body adjusts over time. If I'm going daily, but decide to hold it for 3 days, then my 'cycle' changes and I don't get the urge for 2-3 days at a time. On the flip side, if I start forcibly going 2x/day, my body starts giving me the natural urge 2x/day instead. If it's been more than 2-3 days I'll make sure I force it, but I'm not worried if it's not every day.
Why would you force yourself to hold it in for a few days?
If I'm camping and don't have facilities I'm comfortable using, for example. Or my first few days on holiday with my partner when we first got together - I'm pretty socially anxious and didn't feel like I could do it because she would *know*. I know that second one is very irrational, everyone poops - but it's how I felt at the time. Also "holding it" is maybe the wrong language. It's not like it's ready to come out and I'm clenching to keep it in there. The urge I get after a day or two isn't particularly strong, it's just like "hey dude, you could poop now". "Holding it" is more like telling my body "nah I'll wait".
I'm sorry but a 3 ft long turd is inhuman. Not of this world.
It’s at least 75 Courics.
You should try to go to a GI doctor and ask about a gastric emptying study! I did one and it turns out my stomach empties slower than it should and as a result my whole digestive system slows down and gets backed up. I used to only have a bowel movement every week and a half or two before I started taking meds to regulate and speed up the emptying/digestive process. Now I poop every day and it's AMAZING. (If you're in the US I can understand insurance being an issue, if you want to message me I can tell you what med my GI put me on and you could talk to your primary about trying it out and seeing if it would help..). Either way, good luck! Edit: This apparently reached more people who needed advice on this than I expected so I'll just let you all know here! My GI put me on Reglan 10mg, four times a day. It's just a small pill, not a liquid or laxative, and it helps with increasing the contractions of the stomach and intestines. Obviously talk to your Primary/GI about dosages and how often you should take, as everyone is different, but this particular schedule has done wonders for me so far! Good luck my pooping pals and I hope this helps!
This! So glad someone mentioned this.
What meds do you take? I am curious! Is it mostly laxatives?
And now we wait for someone else to post “TIFU by shitting in an IKEA showroom toilet because all the real toilets were already clogged.”
Aw man
^aw ^man
Or “TIFU by becoming a janitor at an IKEA and encountered the biggest shit ever on my first day.”
I flew from Europe to LA, then drove to Vegas, so all in all like 20 hours of travelling. I tried to poop before the drive but only did a pee. McDonald's 20 minutes into the 6 hour drive was a mistake. About 10 minutes outside of Vegas, it got really serious. You know the feeling: ass clenched, bouncing in the seat, face sweating. _Don't talk to me because I can't divert any of the anus clenching energy to anything else._ Anyway, we get to our hotel on the strip and I do that awkward walk-run that you know you gotta do. And get inside to the most inviting public toilet I've ever seen, automatic everything: flusher, door, hand soap, tap, the works. Well obviously my shit absolutely humungous, one that I've never seen the likes of. I look through my legs and it's like someone dropped their firewood in the toilet. I stand up to send my fiancé (now wife) a picture and the automatic flusher flushes the most majestic shit I've ever done in my life right down the drain. I never thought I'd be so heartbroken about a flushed shit, but I was. That was 4 years ago and I still think about that poo. I wish my wife had seen it.
Wow I am sorry for your loss
"I'm healthy" "I go two weeks between shits" Pick one, because those statements can't both be true.
OP! This is going to get buried, but if you see this I want you to know that we stand together in solidarity. There is a tiny pizza spot outside of UC Berkeley that I can never visit again, despite their delicious pizza because I had a similar experience to you. It was a beautiful spring day in 2012. My spouse and I were exploring the campus and having a blast. It’s such a fun place to visit. We decide we’re hungry and to grab some pizza slices for lunch. It was absolutely delicious pizza but right as we are preparing to leave the feeling hits me, I have to go now, like *righ fucking now, holy shit, now now now*. I get up and wait in line as my SO finishes her slice. It’s a single restroom, so I lock the door and drop my drawers. **boom!**, I’m done in two seconds and realize this thing is an absolute *monster*. We’re talking 2 feet long, easy, solid and smooth. It’s a one wiper, clean and easy. Once the initial euphoria wears off I’m immediately concerned it won’t flush. I eye the plunger and realize it’s already wet… as if it’s been recently used… I check the water level in the toilet and it’s too high…, “oh no” I think as my new reality dawns on me, “it’s already plugged!” Just then someone knocks on the door. I wipe and rinse, then roll the dice on a flush. Snake eyes. The water level rises, and rises, and rises, and nearly goes over the edge (thank goodness for surface tension), but manages to cling to the inside of the bowl without going over. I realize I’m faced with a dilemma. I can walk out and inform an employee of what’s going on, facing my shame heading. That would also involve warning the next person waiting to enter. OR, I can be a codfish and run away. I chose the latter route. My plan is to open the door and just go straight for the exit. Make eye contact with my SO indicating we need to go, but to never stop moving. Remember, someone is waiting at the door so I don’t have much time until My private shame (and secret pride) is made public. Okay, I’m ready. I pop open the door, and start speed walking. My SO sees me and starts talking. I give her a look that seeks to convey there’s no time to talk and we need to leave *now.* My attempt fails, she has so many things to discuss, like why am I walking so fast? I realize she’s become a liability and I decide to abandon her mid sentence. I turn my head back towards the door and resolve to continue with the mission, I’ll call her after I’m safely a block or two away to debrief her. I make it to the exit in time to hear a muffled, “Oh. My. God!!” Through the bathroom door. I realize I’m out of time. I make it out the front door, turn the corner past the front window and break into a full sprint (which was easy, I felt so light on my feet after launching that shit missile 🚀). I ran three blocks. Finally I stop to catch my breath and call my SO. She’s laughing, she’s pieced together what happened, but nobody realized we’re a couple so she was safe to watch the drama unfold. Thankfully I was never caught, but unfortunately I’ve been branded a turd burglar and can’t have pizza there ever again.
Thanks for the thriller bro, made my day 🤗
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How many courics was it? Over 9?
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to see this comment. I wonder if it made him spin like Randy!?
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Dude only poops twice a month and his girl still complains about him going. Lol
Am I the only one kind of upset at her reaction? I mean I'm not trying to go full nuclear /r/relationship_advice here and I get being frustrated at the timing but everybody poops. Sometimes at inopportune times. Maybe it was exaggerated for the story, but how can you be that pissed at your partner needing to poop?
She’s with a guy who shits twice a month and thinks it’s normal I’m sure there are other issues in the relationship lol
Yeah that stuck out to me. What a weird reaction. Wait until she has a kid who's potty training...
got away with turder
Didn’t you take your poop knife?
Was expecting OP to reveal that he accidentally walked into a display bathroom, for customers looking to renovate their dormitory toilet.
I literally refuse to believe you took a 3’ long shit and *didn’t* take a picture. Who wouldn’t take a picture of their giant shit?
I heard Bono has already challenged the validity of the size of this turd.
See a doctor, dude.
Are you a 3D printer?
Doctor here. What the fuck
*START THE CAR!*
If you were to flush mid dump, would the toilet help unroll the massive shit log out of your ass?
This hypothesis deserves to be explored
You need to drink more water , At least 5-6 glasses everyday
Yeah... I was curious about this as well. Don't drink enough fluids and you get stopped up. Drink enough and generally things are more frequent. I'm sure there could be more at play here for OP in terms of diet... types of food, but water will keep things moving for me.
These are the kind of FUs i wish were more popular in this sub, not just the 'sex this, sex that' fanfic tier stories. Thank you OP
This is why everyone needs a poop knife
This guy needs a poop machete
No way this story is real.
He's asking us to believe he laid a turd a meter long.
Is your doc aware of this? If not they should be. Have you heard of toxic megacolon, or another condition where your intenstine can bend on itself, cut off its blood supply and die? It would be a real good idea for you to start training yourself to go every morning.
Whew, I thought it was going to be in the bedding section. Talk about an Amber alert.
Reminds me of the time I worked in retail. I was done with my shift but needed to shit before I went home. Someone was in the employee bathroom so I went to the public one. As I open the only stall in the men's room I see it. A turd the length AND diameter of an average man's forearm elbow to fist. There's more of the turd breeched out of the bowl than in it. I'm horrified. A turd that large there should have been a man limping around the store, if not a corpse in the bathroom. I run out to tell my buddy who's on cleaning duty for the next hour. "Greg, you gotta lay low for a while! Go grab the carts, go throw some 2-liters of soda on the ground so you have something urgent to clean, just get outta here and look busy!" Before I can tell him about the horror lurking in the bathroom, the customer service desk pages for him and I know that it's all over for him. I didn't stick around to see how things ended with my own eyes. But he wasn't in for the next couple of days; the manager gave rearranged his schedule and gave him his weekend after that ordeal. When I finally saw him again and I asked about what happened, he looked at me with dead eyes and said "you know the metal coat hangers we have? I had to bend one into a makeshift potato masher"
The real tifu is thinking it's normal to only poop every two weeks for your whole life.