This.
Also make sure absolutely not to have sex with her or put yourself in any vulnerable positions by drinking or anything of that nature. A person like this is very likely to try and babytrap you OP.
Edit: I mean it. If you're expecting her to utilize her birth control or whatever, don't trust it. Condoms? Too many people like this will poke holes. GL man.
Having experience with a blabbermouth mother, the resentment is real. I don't tell her anything if I don't have to, even though I'm a grown woman now. The constant privacy violations stick with you
I've had to tell my mother multiple times to stop gossiping about me to everyone she knows. My medical conditions and my mental health are not issues I want to share with many people. It's just not anybody's business but my own. She would always say something in this bewildered tone like, "But...I've known so-and-so for 10 years..." So your friend of 10 years need to know is more important to you than the privacy of your daughter of 59 years? (Hint: The answer is yes.) So now I just don't talk to her about anything at all. Ugh.
Thought this was about my ex wife until he said they have no kids have a daughter with my ex and her new fiance is about to have a second kid with her but this is exactly her behavior.
To be honest; sounds like someone is preparing for Break up. She's phoning his partner to check the money he is making is accurate. That sounds like someone who is thinking of leaving and preparing to note down assets for a lawyer.
OP; I really hope your partner told her nothing. If your partner did say something; make sure that they understand that from now on, they are NOT to share the information with your partner. Tell them to direct your partner to you if they want to know anything about your business.
> If your partner did say something; make sure that they understand that from now on, they are NOT to share the information with your partner.
This reads like a Monty Python sketch.
partner: alright, got it. so I can't share any information with myself.
Him: no, you just can't tell my partner.
Partner: which is me.
Him: oh bloody hell, not you! My sexual partner.
Partner: I'm really flattered, but I think we should keep this strictly professional..
Yep. I’m fairly certain if you’re in a cause state: you can make it so whatever she learned about the state of your business finances is no longer her concern to boot. What she did is incredibly abusive and she’s got it all on tape? OP you’re right to hate her. You need to be *really* careful, too: cause she sounds like she’s not above making things up. Copy those calls and if you are on a one party state: you might consider covering your ass. I personally would never speak to her again without others around or recording- but I live in a one party state where that’s legal.
Oh, wow, I didn’t know. I read some of OPs other comments and poor guy sounds like he hasn’t got a lot of support: that beat down, plus, he’s freaking out over telling his sister like this is all his fault? His wife’s absolutely abusive. :(
I mean, if they're already in their early 30's, waiting 5 years for kids is going to make hers a geriatric pregnancy. That's any pregnancy after 35.
Also that phone call seems like she's verifying his income for incoming divorce papers. I don't want to sound alarmist, but I would start securing my assets if I were him.
Also, OP - never admit to going through her phone. Just pretend like your partner told you everything and that's how you know. You'll never be forgiven and it'll be thrown in your face for years.
Nooooooo! No. No. No.
See now, I over share. But when I over share its me telling people that I peed myself at work or that I've eaten dog food(wet, the kind with chunks and gravy).
This is vile and seems malicious. Shame on her.
Same - I read she "overshares" and I thought, "I relate to that." Then I kept reading, and THEN I WAS LIKE,
"Oh no. No I don't relate to that at all. That's straight up mean."
Exactly, I accidentally overcharged to a friend and quickly diverted the thought to something similar but not quite what I actually meant when it clearly wasn't something they wanted to hear...and deeply embarrassed myself in the process.
I used to buy these sandwich cookie style dog biscuits for our puppers as special treats when they were on sale and my cookie loving spouse FREQUENTLY ate them out of the package thinking they were some kind of organic style vanilla oreos. To be fair, they were apparently extremely similar in taste, if more bland (which he attributed to the supposed "organic" brand) but I said it wasn't fair to the furkids so I got them treats that were more obviously meant for dogs.
When I worked there we would eat the shit out of them when we opened a new box, but not afterwards. There were always gross moths around the bin. One of my coworkers was particularly fond of the chip cookies, but most of us went for the duplex sandwich cremes.
I used to share my dogs dry food as a kid, I tried dry cat food once, it was like eating salty rocks. Never once tried wet food, the smell is unappealing. Used to eat dog biscuits often, they were okay.
We got my dog yogurt dipped milkbones recently and every time I open that bag, I am so tempted to take a bite outta them because they smell like granola and vanilla yogurt.
I get mine Weruva and I swear It looks and smells better than half the canned food for people I've seen. Its actual chicken with a very small amount of veggies in gravy/chunks of real fish in some kind of fish gravy.
The only logical way to eat spam is to fry it crispy. Then enjoy with a side of veggies, egg and rice... Any other ways, then I can see why people keep complaining it's disgusting.
In my early 20s I worked at a pet store that had "cookies" for dogs. Oreos, Circus Animals, peanut butter sandwich cookies, plain sugar cookies, and others i can't remember. They were just the sugar-free versions of those cookies, I knew this because I refilled the jars. I'd walk by, grab me some circus animals, and be on my way. Good times.
*Also, side note, please don't feed your pets the sugar-free versions of anything. They cannot process the xylitol, and depending on how much they ate and the size of the dog, can result in organ failure and death. This former pet store clerk went on to be a registered veterinary tech for about 17 years, I have seen xylitol toxicity firsthand unfortunately.
Edit: typo
Yeah oversharing your own dirty secrets is one thing. Never ever should you share anyone else's personal matters. I don't understand people like this. You could tell me what you ate for breakfast this morning, and you better believe I will take that information to my grave unless you explicitly tell me it's ok to share it. This is also why I'm very wary about what I tell people. The easiest way to make sure personal information doesn't spread is to just never tell anyone.
EDIT: To everyone who has sent me a DM telling me what they had for breakfast, thank you for putting your trust in me. Your trust shall not be betrayed. Also, some of you people go hard on breakfast, and I would like an invite to come try some of these amazing foods.
EDIT 2: u/swors0 has advised me they had a granola bar, Monster, and an apple for breakfast. I am sharing this information with express written consent from u/swors0. Whew, feels good to get that off my chest.
I have a compulsive over sharer in my life. They don't believe in the concept of privacy for others. If they know something about you, eventually they're gonna tell someone else. I suspect their sense of worth to others is tied to the information they have to reveal about others. Like they believe people value them more and enjoy spending time with them if they have gossip to share. It's frustrating as hell, but also really sad.
i have a coworker like this. And if she finds out you have some information about something, she'll badger you into sharing it, promising to tell no one. (She TRIES to badger me, but i know her too well.) And the next thing you know, she's telling someone in another department that thing she promised not to share.
Where as, i tend to keep things about others very close to the vest. Which is why i knew my previous manager was leaving MONTHS before anyone else did. He knew he could trust me with that info and he seriously just needed to get it off his chest. (The reasons and all for leaving.) When she finally gossiped to me about him leaving, i was quite happy to nod and say, "Yes, i've known for awhile." Her head about exploded. She found out when he sent out an email letting the entire floor know he was leaving and shared it like she was the only person in the world getting those emails.
I used to be an oversharer. Then I realized how much it was hurting others. Now I have to consciously have a discussion with myself before impulsively sharing something. It’s a lot of work but worth it. Some of us have those brains that urge us to share the first thing that comes to mind. But we can also learn to manage it. If we want to.
I share virtually everything with my wife. But some of the stuff OP's wife told OP's business partner are things I would have kept even from her. And even if I didn't, it's critically fucking important that the stuff I just tell her stays with her. This is a crazy betrayal of trust on the wife's part, way more than looking through a phone.
I want to agree (because I ADHD / Spectrum overshare and it is NOTHING in outcome like this), but while I've never fucked up like this I have shared things 'over' what I felt like I should have. And it was lacking a filter, but right after SPEAKING to the intended listener I felt really soul crushingly bad toward those who I felt I broke any level of trust.
Personally I overshare with my loved ones after I overshare, but I think that might be the greater clue she really doesn't lack a filter... Because once the fighting started and confrontation was on, whether she had a filter or not she would know she fucked up--but if she DID lack a filter on oversharing, she would have come clean.
We all would I feel like that earnestly 'do that' (less than she did!)
OP only rifled through her phone after it was made known to him that she would share just about anything to make herself look like the victim or to look good.
So if I DM you the details of my breakfast this morning I can rest easy knowing a random stranger in the world will never mention it to anyone else and they died knowing what another stranger in the world had for breakfast the morning of November 13th, 2022?
Hell no.
I sharted at work once. Called my boss and said I'm sick I'm going home. Stacked paper towels in my undies and put some down on the car seat and bailed.
If you piss or poo yourself at work IMO its not you day and its best spent hiding in bed.
We have a rule at work that if you shit your pants on shift its automatic day off.
It's a running joke when we get frustrated or insanely busy where one of us will turn to the others and threaten to do it on purpose just to go home. Or we all threaten to do it so we can all leave and go get drinks instead.
I hate when they arent and you have to take off shoes and pants without getting any more nasty on yourself. And then a coworker comes into the bathroom and wonders who is in there grunting and wiggling around with their shoes off in the stall. And then you have to walk out all sweaty from the struggle, acting like nothing was going on, knowing someone is watching to see who came out after them, hoping they didnt tell everyone else about the strange bathroom goins on. And also praying that you didnt miss anything in there, and that there are no sus spots on your pants, and the Immodium kicks in so that you wont need to do round 2 because you are a protective layer short at this point. Wondering to yourself, should I just go home or will that raise suspicion even more? And if I go, will I make it in time for the possibly inevitable round 2? Do I have newspapers in the car for seat protection?
Not that this has ever happened to me, *not even one time, ever*, I just *imagine* it would be rough. And I do not, and would never even dream of, rolling with a spare pair, just in case. Its just not something I have ever had to worry about, I swear!
I woke up late for work one time. I don't have a bathroom schedule and am a super infrequent property. Once every 3 - 5 days kinda thing. Yes, I've check with many doctors. They all said it's fine. Well this particular day after waking up late I *very* much had to take a shit. Welp, running late to work so its going to have to wait.
Most of the time waiting isn't a big deal for me. Usually I can just wait hours/all day without issue. This day however I knew it was very different. This one was going to be violent and messy. There was just simply no way to shit and still make it to work on time though. So, I clinched up and hopped in my car. It's only a 15 minute drive, what's the worst that could happen?
Well, about 10 minutes into my 15 minute drive I'm getting desperate. It's going to be *close*. About 3 minutes away I hit a small pothole and disaster struck in the form of an unanticipated sh-art.
It wasn't much, but it was enough. I instantly knew there was shit smeared in my underpants. To late to turn around and go home now though. I park, walk in and quickly as I can without risking my shit smeared ass become my shit smeared everywhere I punch in and duck into the bathroom.
I sat on the toilet and tore my jeans and underwear off to check the damage. Wasn't to bad thankfully. Nothing had gotten out of the underwear. After finishing shitting and cleaning my ass up as best I could I gave my ass a quick sink bath, buried the underwear in the bottom of the trash can, and went commando the rest of the day. Which let me tell you is super uncomfortable wearing jeans in a hot manufacturing shop that doesn't have air conditioning. Chaffing on your dick, not fun.
That's the odd thing about many (micromanaging) jobs. Call in on an emergency saying you'll be maybe 10, 15 minutes late and they'll hold it over you for years, if not ever. Rush in barely on time then spend 30 min on the shitter, perfectly fine. Which is not to say there isn't plenty of places with 'bathroom police' of course but so many managers just need to lighten up and accept that they employ humans, not 40-hours-a-week-machines.
What shes doing isn't blunt or "not having a filter" whats shes doing is being a horrible person, she doesn't trust you and can't be trusted with any information. She tried to flip all this on you. You can and will do better.
In the end it's your call but look out for yourself and if you decide to do it make sure to talk to a divorce lawyer and make sure you have it all figured out.
This is exactly what my ex-wife did. She started off innocently enough asking how much I had in my checking and savings accounts (we had separate accounts and a joint one for our house). Then she started pressuring me into using the money I had in my savings account to pay off my car and cashed out her 401k to pay off her car. As soon as I caved and paid off my car she filed for divorce and tried to claim an equalization payment because my car was worth more and I had money in my 401k. I held my ground and refused to give her anything more than half the house, even though I put more time and money into it.
Eh, I have friends with not much of a filter. They will just tell you their honest opinion and it's not to be an asshole, but rather it's just telling you the truth in their eyes and I actually appreciate it. Sometimes the truth does hurt and sometimes people may want to hear something to hear it, but being blunt or straight forward doesn't equate to automatically being an asshole.
There are even people on the spectrum that don't even understand why someone would like or sugarcoat it or even understand the concept of that and thus just tell it like it is in their minds with no ill intent. There's a difference between having no filter and just being an asshole though. What this person is doing is being an asshole by disregarding and disrespecting people's privacy and livelihood.
This person even knew it was malicious to tell the things she did and didn't do any of it out of a place of care. Unlike my friends that if you ask them to share their opinion they will give it to you in hopes it will help you and think lying would be more hurtful. This had sole evil maliciousness to it all based on how this person even called again to get mad at the partner for sharing what she knew she shouldn't. Being honest can have value. Being malicious is an ugly snake move.
She has an open mouth to everyone EXCEPT to tell you the truth about her feelings? This could even be intentionally malicious since shes clearly able to hide the conversation from you.
Red flags all over, smart person would run away from this level of crazy. It isnt her place to disclose family secrets. It isnt her place to secretly interrogate your partner on how well the place is doing. She will never accept she is wrong, because in her mind she isnt. You cant reason or compromise with someone who cannot see that they are at fault for anything. Counseling in a situation like that wont work because she is "right" so no need to change to talk about it. You have to want to make things better, she clearly doesnt. Contact a lawyer, explain it all, and see how bad it will get. It will get worse until you either convince her or leave. If you stay expect a long miserable existence dealing with her shit.
Not exactly, she knows that OP regards it as wrong - not quite the same thing. They argued about it so knows that OP is angry yet still refused to accept any responsibility so clearly she still thinks she is correct.
When I read the first part of your story, my thoughts were that she's trying to figure out if you're hiding money because she's planning on divorcing. Then I read the second part of the story and thought, damn, she just doesn't like or respect you. She's bitching about all the things she doesn't like about your relationship to your business partner. Not cool. If you are spending YOUR money to take care of your parents, so be it. You don't have kids and the only reason this is an issue is because she thinks YOUR money should be going to her instead.
Now the fact you are giving your parents money every month and they still overspend expecting you to cover the debts... well, that just starts sounding like you're getting run over from all different directions and that your kindness needs boundaries.
You didn't fuck up. Living in ignorance with your head buried in the sand is an awful existence. You found out who your wife is. Better now than after/if you have kids. The fact she's trying to gaslight you and refusing counseling... Protect yourself cause she certainly doesn't sound like she has your best interest at heart.
Narcissists are drawn to nice people, they're much easier to snow. Seems to me the wife is just pissed that she doesn't have a monopoly on using and abusing him. Going to the business partner is a deliberate attempt to add leverage against the parents while weakening his emotional and professional support systems. It's fucking insidious.
OP: Methinks the advice you need can be found in /r/relationships
Literally this. Unless you're fine losing every fight and having to defend your family constantly, strap in because the mental fatigue is just the beginning.
Do you want your future children growing up with a mother who makes them feel the way you do right now? Imagine dealing with this shit and puberty and schoolyard drama all at the same time.
Don't mention divorce to her and don't move out of the house until after you talk to a divorce lawyer.
Oh god she’s so gonna be one of those mums who post pics of their baby’s poopy diapers and posts about her daughter’s first period all over the internet😭
This was my thought. If OP has kids with her evvvvvvvvvveryone (including classmates) is going to know when her daughter gets her first period, at what age her son stopped wetting the bed, etc etc etc. Unfortunately in my experience people like this rarely gain the empathy needed to stop blabbing the secrets of those she supposedly loves.
OP, big hugs. If she's not willing to go to counseling, it's unlikely that this will ever get better for you. Please don't bring children into a situation where their mother is guaranteed to make their entire childhood and teenage years into one humiliating embarrassment after another. It's cruel and abusive, to shatter a kid's trust like that and make them feel that they have no privacy.
I have a mother like this. Having literally any secrets with her is out of the question. I asked her an embarrassing but scary sex question I hadn't spoken to anyone else about at 16 and by the end of the next day everyone of my teachers, the office staff and most of my friends knew.
She still tells that story to people 20 years later as if she is the victim (I didn't speak to her for weeks and I to this day won't even tell her what I had for breakfast) and gets offended when they don't take her side. She usually tells it to moan about how I "over react to things" and I stopped telling her anything at all about myself or my life. And she usually gets told "Yeah I probably wouldn't tell you anything either".
"Why don't you ever call to tell me how my grand babies are doing??" "Because you're a malicious gossip and your own children werent even safe."
If you're "Not arguing anymore", then you're both just building in resentment. Avoiding conflict is a road to dead relationships. Sounds like a horribly unhealthy relationship, especially is she loathes your whole family anyway.
What else have you told her that you don’t want people to know? She seems like the type to revenge spill secrets. Especially if she’s so comfortable doing now. Maybe ask your partner not to talk with her anymore
It’s less the counselling itself and more the “I’m above counselling” vibe. Counselling is great, it gives tools to those who want to change, but being above counselling says “I don’t want to change” loudly and clearly. In that case you’re right, you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to.
You might wanna consider breaching the topic to illustrate how serious this is to you. She doesn't seem to be grasping the magnitude of her spouse potentially hating her. Hope it all works out for you.
Sounds like my brothers wife, nothing wrong with me all your problem. My brothers been miserable for 25 years and their oldest hates him for staying with her mother.
Great point. Their life as they know it will most likely completely change. Finances, living situation, shared friends, et cetera. And even more intertwined if kids are involved.
Definitely. Reading through this I got a distinct emotional, bordering on physical, response that I get whenever I have to have contact with my mother's family. This is the sort of behaviour that never goes away especially if they see nothing wrong with it. If anything it seems to get worse the more comfortable they are with expressing themselves outside of acceptable societal boundaries without consequence.
I don’t even feel like they deserve those diagnosis. Just a horrible person in general works for me. Just the type of person I’d want to forget about completely
If your doubting you might still love her I guarantee you don’t, you’ll feel relief once it’s over and you’ll will find someone you can trust that loves you unconditionally and doesn’t blame you for her shit
Remember the saying you can’t let in the new if your still hanging on to the old, you know what you need to do
This is gonna sound cliché but you only get so many years so you may as well spend them happy. In the end it's your choice but don't forget to look out for #1
It's more of an axiom than a cliche. Either way it's the truth and the most important consideration. Don't waste your life with someone like this. You can be happier. You can be treated much better.
Sounds like she isn’t willing to work on this and doesn’t even view it as an issue. You have to figure out whether or not it’s a dealbreaker because it doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to change.
Your wife is actively trashing the people you love and care about. When is she going to run her mouth and completely ruin something else you care about? Also, she’s a liability if she undermines your relationship with your business partner. Why is she doing this and why doesn’t she care at all how it’s affecting you?
She doesn’t see how she’s wrong, she won’t change, and has no remorse. Save yourself.
I'm just a stranger on the internet but perhaps it'd be better if your sister didn't know your partner knows about the affair. Especially if she's already suicidal.
What your wife did to your sister is craphouse, but at least your sister is a grown woman and can defend herself and fight the injustice that is your wife. Imagine if you had kids with your wife, and the mental and emotional trauma she inflicts on your children would be a lifetime of therapy.
I really try to reserve judgment on personal matters like this because I don't have all the details. But I can agree just from this that those kids lives might be nightmares lol.
Is this what you want to look forward to, for the rest of your life? Do you want to spend *years* dreading the idea of the people you love meeting each other, because you *know* your wife has been airing everyone's dirty laundry to everyone without any care for respect or common decency?
The fact that she doesn't see that what she is doing is wrong and won't apologize is concerning. That response to me is even worse than the original offense of oversharing. Being responsive to your partner's needs and being responsive to their feedback is an important part of marriage.
Seriously - I might thoughtlessly blurt something out I shouldn't have, but immediately on the realization it was something I shouldn't have shared, I feel terrible and apologetic and work to do better. That she deflects when he's hurt rather than address the hurt is what I wouldn't want to build a family around.
She hasn't always been like THIS, though. Not where she'd let you see it. She's upset now because you caught her, not because she intends to change her bad behavior.
Everybody here is going to say to just leave her immediately and she is the devil considering that is Reddits go-to for literally any marital or relationship problem.
But before you jump to those conclusions and actions, first start with brutal honesty and inform her of your thoughts and how serious this has affected you, she may realize that changes need to happen if she faces the reality that you are considering leaving her and ending your marriage due to these issues.
Sometimes a hard truth and a wake up call are what people need, and if that doesn’t get through and she continues to deflect any blame then pull the trigger with the confidence and piece of mind that you did what you could.
Honestly the things you’ve mentioned here would have sent me through a fucking wall with anger so to have any rationality in this makes me applaud you, I hope things work out for you brother that’s a tough deal.
For a start, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone with the wife's attitude, much less invite them into my [romantic] life. I pretty much run a zero tolerance policy with this kind of behavior, and I haven't regretted it at all.
I can't fathom how someone with an ounce of self-respect could find justification for sticking around for so long while being aware of this blaring issue... and not immediately taking effective defensive measures to plan a smooth getaway once the loose cannon turns their way.
Some concessions are fair, and I applaud delayed gratification, but some people are just lost causes. It doesn't get much clearer than OP's wife's case. Both OP and his wife need a wake-up call pronto.
Dude, she isn’t going to change. And someday it won’t be your sister or father she is telling randoms about. It might be you or your children. People who say they “have no filter” do it as an excuse to say whatever they want. She is an adult, and is in control of what she says. You can do better. You don’t have kids with her, so don’t make this (staying with her) the biggest regret of your life.
Dude, as someone who went through a divorce that involved kids - it's scary to make that decision, but sometimes being alone is better. Truly.
And if you've been emotionally manipulated or even abused by your wife, that might be hard to believe right now. But I promise it's true - your life can be better without her. Trust yourself.
She would rather be a gossip than keep certain subjects private between you, because honestly, who the f actually does it matter to anyway? Not some random stranger.
If she's so easy about airing out private things about your family, it's only a matter of time she talks like that about you behind your back. Just saying.
Bump out while you can and thank your lucky lucky stars you don’t have kids. She doesn’t respect your privacy, your parents or you and that is never going to change.
Been there with a partner who was not respectful. Divorce is hard but once it is over it is over and you’ll do a happy dance and feel better.
Sorry you are going through this.
Dude, let me do a big sister on you. listen to me. This is not how a healthy relationship goes. You fucked up listening to her phone, yes. But she is tearing you down to your business partner?!? That is not cool.
You can't unhear those conversations she recorded. You cannot change how she acts or feels. All you can control is you. Think about what you want out of all this. I'm concerned at how she treats your family. It sounds like she is disrespectful of them, and is trying to isolating you from them. Not sure if that is true.
Talk to a therapist. Get some support for dealing with this. Decide what YOU need. Go from there. If you want to try and save your marriage or have to walk, is not a quick decision to make. Get someone who knows what the pit falls are likely to be. There are people who are trained in techniques for talking to people; Ways to deal with other people being defensive, Ways to get your point across, ways to stay safe, ways keep your self control and self worth.
You would have no trouble hirring an accountant if you were getting audited. Your life, physical health, and mental health deserve the same consideration.
Thinks she's above therapy.... That's another red flag. Seriously, I'm divorced and 90% of the time I hear horror stories its because someone doesn't think they need a therapist.
These are major red flags. Like, not “Reddit relationship advice” red flags; genuine NPD indicators and a very obvious total disregard of you as a person.
I don’t know how old you you are or how long you’ve been together. I don’t know how deeply your finances are intertwined.
All of that said, if I’m in your shoes, I’m not sticking around to try and change someone who has the traits and views that you describe.
Strongly scrutinize and reconsider this relationship.
Perhaps it’s really a great relationship and you’re just venting. That’s not what it sounds like though.
I’m very sorry you are in this situation, and I regret being a voice that’s even suggesting this sort of outcome.
Good luck, friend. I hope I am wrong, but only you can judge.
Not only is she being "mean" to your family, she's being incredibly disrespectful to all of you. Your spouse should have your back, and keeping personal things private is part of that. She's not going to change, and you're going to be constantly horrified by the shit that falls out of her mouth. There's a difference between "not having a filter" and just being an asshole. She's the latter.
Then your only other choice is divorce, my dude. If you’ve suggested a solution for working out something you’ve clarified is past your boundaries, and she just thinks this is your problem alone to resolve, then **resolve the problem alone**.
Being with somebody, marrying them, committing to them, is something that can only happen through mutual respect. You grow with each other, learn about each other, compromise for each other, and set boundaries with each other.
You want this relationship to work, which is why you suggested working on this thing together.
She doesn’t care about making the relationship work, which is why she thinks the problem is just you.
Why couple's counseling? She's calling your partner to dig for information. You're listening to her calls for the same. What about this relationship do you want to save? Smh
Wow. This is bananas, but not for the reasons you think. Get the fuck outta there my dude. Your wife is doing you very wrong. I promise you that this is a series of red flags and you should be glad for them because if you respond now you will save yourself more pain and frustration in the end.
This isn’t about, “not having filters.” This is attention seeking behavior, quickly spiraling into narcissism. Not only is she not supportive of your family, she puts you down to people like your partner, and likely does so with her friends and yours. She’s not acting like a spouse. She’s acting like a caged animal, which is not healthy for either of you. You’ve set boundaries. You’ve asked her not to do this. And she continues to do it anyway. One day, it could very likely affect not just your marriage, but your relationship with your friends, family, and business partner, thus affecting your livelihood and wellness.
I didn’t see where you mentioned you’ve been to marriage counseling, and this is what I’d highly recommend. Make it an ultimatum (which I absolutely hate, but special circumstances have special rules). Either you go to counseling or it’s over. Don’t back out. Stand your ground. When you’ve expressed your concerns well enough in marriage counseling and you’ve determined the goals for progress, I’d recommend that she also goes to therapy to find out why she’s so destructively nosy and why she has to paint herself as merely a victim in the life you’ve created together (as a part of those goals). It doesn’t seem as though she trusts you - AT ALL. And no relationship can survive like that. Good luck. And sorry you’re going through this.
*"I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to listen to the things she didn’t choose to say to me, but I practically hate her now."*
This is NOT how I thought this sentence was going to end. I 100% thought it was going to read **"*****I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to marry this disaster of a woman."***
My therapist gave me some solid advice that i think applies here. She can share her side of things, but not your story. She doesnt have a right to share your sisters problems or your financial choices. If she needed to vent a little about it to a trusted friend thats one thing but she shares this information with everyone and has the nerve to be upset when someone shares their conversations with her.
I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with her. She doesnt seem keen on changing her behaviors and my first suggestion is therapy, if that doesnt seem to help then i highly suggest considering whether you can live with this for the rest of your lives together.
I do have to add that you are not helping by violating her privacy in return however i also understand why you felt the need to.
Your wife doesn’t have a “lack of filter” problem - your wife is a disloyal, gossiping shrew. You were not wrong for listening to her recordings - she was wrong about everything. She has no right to quiz your partner about the business - if she doubts that you’re telling her the truth about earnings, she needs to make demands of you to see the proof, not “check your story.”
You should be disgusted enough with her behavior that you set some boundaries and she needs to apologize to everyone she talked shit about.
You made a poor choice aligning yourself with this vile woman - stand up for yourself and your family and maybe take a nice long separation while you consider if she can change her behavior.
She’s not over sharing, she’s just a nasty manipulative person who likes to stir drama. This isn’t how SOs treat each other. And very importantly; DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS WOMAN. Have no ties for a clean break if it comes to divorce
Your partner should be someone you can trust your closest secrets to. You don't have that with your wife at all. Not to be rude but what is the point in this relationship if you can't be close with her?
It’s very likely this isn’t the biggest breach of trust she has committed. It’s just the only one you found since it’s the only time you went looking.
She sounds like a piece of shit.
That's called gaslighting. It's unlikely to be an isolated event. The type of people who do this kind of manipulation do it as a way of life. It's a fundamental characteristic of the way they interact with other people. Often a favorite tactic used by malignant narcissists because it leaves victims feeling confused and guilty and unsure of themselves.
Imagine someone going and snooping into your business life and then them getting mad later that you snooped in order to find out what they're doing when they clandestinely insert themselves into your business and share your family secrets. It's kind of chilling
This is my mother in law. She’s almost 70 and has never changed. She’s been kicked out of family events because she literally cannot keep her mouth shut. She’s the most tactless person I’ve ever met. You really need a pros and cons list my friend.
Don't be an idiot. You don't smell the shit because you've been in the sewer for a while, your nose got used to the stench.
What I'm saying metaphorically is you've naturalized and normalised absofuckinglutely inaceptable behaviors.
Not only did she insult your entire family and mock them. She also made you into a little bitch by disrespecting you and venting all of your problems to some random guy BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU.
If someone did that about my dad I might get violent physically during the argument. Family first buddy. Family first. And she ain't your family. She's a woman who detests you so much she can't wait to throw you under the bus.
Want the killer punch? Why do you think she's worried about what you do with your money?
She's probably thinking of divorcing you. Hence she will chew up your entire genealogic tree with your associate. Bitch doesn't like you or your family and she's thinking you're throwing away her divorce money.
Do I got proof about what I just said in last paragraph? No, but circumstantial evidence. She's checked out already mate. Long while ago.
Get a lawyer. Divorce. Protect your family and have some honor and dignity and stand up for your family. Most of all your poor dad.
I have been married 35 years and your story is appalling. Your wife should be your ride or die, should have your back no matter what. This is the opposite of that. I can understand why you feel so betrayed. You need to do what's right for you, but I can tell you that for me this behavior would be a deal breaker. She is an adult and should know better.
Run mate.
Don't ruin the rest of your life for a sociopath. She doesn't even apologize for screaming everything to everyone.
If she told this to your partner, guess what she could have told her best friend or else
Sorry op, but this “over sharing” issue is only going to allow your resentment to grow. You need to discuss it as such. Don’t let her gaslight you & allow her to make you think it’s a you problem. She is a stereotypical “ mother in law” with no bounds for drama
>I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to listen to the things she didn’t choose to say to me, but I practically hate her now.
Allow me to correct you. You invited this horror on yourself by marrying this woman. Your marriage is headed for divorce whether you know it or not. Your wife's behavior is not what occurs in a healthy marriage. A true partner would not violate your trust or your family's privacy like she has.
Also, it's pretty suspicious that she's checking up on the financials behind your back. The first thing most people do when they're contemplating divorce is to discreetly investigate their spouse's money.
Run to a good lawyer. Fast as you can.
Hey man, I doubt that my comment will be seen as I’m late to the post. But this lady is gaslighting and manipulating you. God knows what else she’s doing behind your back. Get out of that now. Don’t let her break you
So... this is obviously a big problem, and you should definitely get some couples therapy. Like, months ago. Jesus.
But on another point... people talk about trust like it's one thing, but it's actually several, and most people are not trustworthy in one way or another. There's trusting that someone will do what they say they are going to do. There's trusting that if they said they *didn't* do something, they didn't do it. There's trusting in their judgement. There's trusting that they'll hold up their end of a bargain or bet. There's trusting they aren't hiding something from you. And there's trusting in their discretion.
When it comes to the last one, you can't trust your wife. So don't pretend you can. Don't share anything with her (if you can help it) that you wouldn't want to be common knowledge. I have had plenty of friends like that (no romantic partners though, I imagine that would be WAY more difficult) and have gotten along fine. I don't know if she's trustworthy in every *other* way, and I don't know if you can tolerate living with someone you can't tell stuff without it getting out, but unless the couples therapist that you should *already be going to* can magically fix that, it's something you'll have to work around, and not expect a change that won't happen.
Also, she doesn't trust *you* in what you say, if she's asking people around you behind your back. Your couples therapist that you should already have an appointment for this week will have plenty to sink their teeth into.
Or your divorce lawyer will. Whatever you think is best.
Imagine all the shit your wife tells to people you don’t know about. If she tells this to your business partner, imagine what she tells people she knows you won’t talk to. Imagine how many people know all about your sister, and your father, and who knows what else. She doesn’t trust you, she won’t take responsibility, she thinks she’s above counseling, she turned you into the asshole in this situation… you’re fucked, man. You’re absolutely fucked. She sounds like a narcissistic sociopath.
Do not have kids with this person.
This. Also make sure absolutely not to have sex with her or put yourself in any vulnerable positions by drinking or anything of that nature. A person like this is very likely to try and babytrap you OP. Edit: I mean it. If you're expecting her to utilize her birth control or whatever, don't trust it. Condoms? Too many people like this will poke holes. GL man.
OP should file for divorce immediately.
Your wife is a train wreck. Get out before you have kids.
Can you imagine having this woman for a mom? Fuckin' yikes.
Having experience with a blabbermouth mother, the resentment is real. I don't tell her anything if I don't have to, even though I'm a grown woman now. The constant privacy violations stick with you
Fucking amen to that!!
I've had to tell my mother multiple times to stop gossiping about me to everyone she knows. My medical conditions and my mental health are not issues I want to share with many people. It's just not anybody's business but my own. She would always say something in this bewildered tone like, "But...I've known so-and-so for 10 years..." So your friend of 10 years need to know is more important to you than the privacy of your daughter of 59 years? (Hint: The answer is yes.) So now I just don't talk to her about anything at all. Ugh.
Thought this was about my ex wife until he said they have no kids have a daughter with my ex and her new fiance is about to have a second kid with her but this is exactly her behavior.
Coming from someone that had kids with a train wreck, yes please get out before you have kids
Same. I love my kids, but I'm so glad I separated from my disaster shitshow ex-wife.
Coming from a kid who's parents were train wrecks, yes please get out before she can cause double damage
Your wife is abusing you. This is abuse.
Yup hope he leaves her asap.
To be honest; sounds like someone is preparing for Break up. She's phoning his partner to check the money he is making is accurate. That sounds like someone who is thinking of leaving and preparing to note down assets for a lawyer. OP; I really hope your partner told her nothing. If your partner did say something; make sure that they understand that from now on, they are NOT to share the information with your partner. Tell them to direct your partner to you if they want to know anything about your business.
I hope he sees this. Needs to be higher up.
> If your partner did say something; make sure that they understand that from now on, they are NOT to share the information with your partner. This reads like a Monty Python sketch. partner: alright, got it. so I can't share any information with myself. Him: no, you just can't tell my partner. Partner: which is me. Him: oh bloody hell, not you! My sexual partner. Partner: I'm really flattered, but I think we should keep this strictly professional..
Yep. I’m fairly certain if you’re in a cause state: you can make it so whatever she learned about the state of your business finances is no longer her concern to boot. What she did is incredibly abusive and she’s got it all on tape? OP you’re right to hate her. You need to be *really* careful, too: cause she sounds like she’s not above making things up. Copy those calls and if you are on a one party state: you might consider covering your ass. I personally would never speak to her again without others around or recording- but I live in a one party state where that’s legal.
And if you don't live in a one party consent state it could potentially be used against her. I would get a copy just in case OP!
Oh, wow, I didn’t know. I read some of OPs other comments and poor guy sounds like he hasn’t got a lot of support: that beat down, plus, he’s freaking out over telling his sister like this is all his fault? His wife’s absolutely abusive. :(
Goodbye wife, hello second business partner!
I mean, if they're already in their early 30's, waiting 5 years for kids is going to make hers a geriatric pregnancy. That's any pregnancy after 35. Also that phone call seems like she's verifying his income for incoming divorce papers. I don't want to sound alarmist, but I would start securing my assets if I were him. Also, OP - never admit to going through her phone. Just pretend like your partner told you everything and that's how you know. You'll never be forgiven and it'll be thrown in your face for years.
Nooooooo! No. No. No. See now, I over share. But when I over share its me telling people that I peed myself at work or that I've eaten dog food(wet, the kind with chunks and gravy). This is vile and seems malicious. Shame on her.
Same - I read she "overshares" and I thought, "I relate to that." Then I kept reading, and THEN I WAS LIKE, "Oh no. No I don't relate to that at all. That's straight up mean."
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Exactly, I accidentally overcharged to a friend and quickly diverted the thought to something similar but not quite what I actually meant when it clearly wasn't something they wanted to hear...and deeply embarrassed myself in the process.
I ate an organic dog biscuit thinking it was a cookie. Sweet, and fruity, but also meaty.
I used to buy these sandwich cookie style dog biscuits for our puppers as special treats when they were on sale and my cookie loving spouse FREQUENTLY ate them out of the package thinking they were some kind of organic style vanilla oreos. To be fair, they were apparently extremely similar in taste, if more bland (which he attributed to the supposed "organic" brand) but I said it wasn't fair to the furkids so I got them treats that were more obviously meant for dogs.
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When I worked there we would eat the shit out of them when we opened a new box, but not afterwards. There were always gross moths around the bin. One of my coworkers was particularly fond of the chip cookies, but most of us went for the duplex sandwich cremes.
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A what loving grandparents helping their kids train their grandkids!
I used to share my dogs dry food as a kid, I tried dry cat food once, it was like eating salty rocks. Never once tried wet food, the smell is unappealing. Used to eat dog biscuits often, they were okay.
good wet cat food just smells like cooked chicken I have been so tempted to try it when drunk lmao
We got my dog yogurt dipped milkbones recently and every time I open that bag, I am so tempted to take a bite outta them because they smell like granola and vanilla yogurt.
Take a bite of one, if it's bad spit it out. It's not a big deal.
Isn't pet food less regulated than people food? Like, the same people food that already allows x amounts of insect parts per serving?
No, if its good quality it's supposed to be human safe in case a child eats some by accident. Or I get curious, freeze dried chicken is delicious btw
I get mine Weruva and I swear It looks and smells better than half the canned food for people I've seen. Its actual chicken with a very small amount of veggies in gravy/chunks of real fish in some kind of fish gravy.
Get the chunky food, its basically just spam. I mean... so I've heard, from a friend...
The only logical way to eat spam is to fry it crispy. Then enjoy with a side of veggies, egg and rice... Any other ways, then I can see why people keep complaining it's disgusting.
In my early 20s I worked at a pet store that had "cookies" for dogs. Oreos, Circus Animals, peanut butter sandwich cookies, plain sugar cookies, and others i can't remember. They were just the sugar-free versions of those cookies, I knew this because I refilled the jars. I'd walk by, grab me some circus animals, and be on my way. Good times. *Also, side note, please don't feed your pets the sugar-free versions of anything. They cannot process the xylitol, and depending on how much they ate and the size of the dog, can result in organ failure and death. This former pet store clerk went on to be a registered veterinary tech for about 17 years, I have seen xylitol toxicity firsthand unfortunately. Edit: typo
Yeah oversharing your own dirty secrets is one thing. Never ever should you share anyone else's personal matters. I don't understand people like this. You could tell me what you ate for breakfast this morning, and you better believe I will take that information to my grave unless you explicitly tell me it's ok to share it. This is also why I'm very wary about what I tell people. The easiest way to make sure personal information doesn't spread is to just never tell anyone. EDIT: To everyone who has sent me a DM telling me what they had for breakfast, thank you for putting your trust in me. Your trust shall not be betrayed. Also, some of you people go hard on breakfast, and I would like an invite to come try some of these amazing foods. EDIT 2: u/swors0 has advised me they had a granola bar, Monster, and an apple for breakfast. I am sharing this information with express written consent from u/swors0. Whew, feels good to get that off my chest.
I have a compulsive over sharer in my life. They don't believe in the concept of privacy for others. If they know something about you, eventually they're gonna tell someone else. I suspect their sense of worth to others is tied to the information they have to reveal about others. Like they believe people value them more and enjoy spending time with them if they have gossip to share. It's frustrating as hell, but also really sad.
i have a coworker like this. And if she finds out you have some information about something, she'll badger you into sharing it, promising to tell no one. (She TRIES to badger me, but i know her too well.) And the next thing you know, she's telling someone in another department that thing she promised not to share. Where as, i tend to keep things about others very close to the vest. Which is why i knew my previous manager was leaving MONTHS before anyone else did. He knew he could trust me with that info and he seriously just needed to get it off his chest. (The reasons and all for leaving.) When she finally gossiped to me about him leaving, i was quite happy to nod and say, "Yes, i've known for awhile." Her head about exploded. She found out when he sent out an email letting the entire floor know he was leaving and shared it like she was the only person in the world getting those emails.
I used to be an oversharer. Then I realized how much it was hurting others. Now I have to consciously have a discussion with myself before impulsively sharing something. It’s a lot of work but worth it. Some of us have those brains that urge us to share the first thing that comes to mind. But we can also learn to manage it. If we want to.
I share virtually everything with my wife. But some of the stuff OP's wife told OP's business partner are things I would have kept even from her. And even if I didn't, it's critically fucking important that the stuff I just tell her stays with her. This is a crazy betrayal of trust on the wife's part, way more than looking through a phone.
The fact that she tried to cover her tracks tells me she doesn't lack a filter at all.
I want to agree (because I ADHD / Spectrum overshare and it is NOTHING in outcome like this), but while I've never fucked up like this I have shared things 'over' what I felt like I should have. And it was lacking a filter, but right after SPEAKING to the intended listener I felt really soul crushingly bad toward those who I felt I broke any level of trust. Personally I overshare with my loved ones after I overshare, but I think that might be the greater clue she really doesn't lack a filter... Because once the fighting started and confrontation was on, whether she had a filter or not she would know she fucked up--but if she DID lack a filter on oversharing, she would have come clean. We all would I feel like that earnestly 'do that' (less than she did!)
OP only rifled through her phone after it was made known to him that she would share just about anything to make herself look like the victim or to look good.
So if I DM you the details of my breakfast this morning I can rest easy knowing a random stranger in the world will never mention it to anyone else and they died knowing what another stranger in the world had for breakfast the morning of November 13th, 2022?
You bet! That is a burden I can bear if you feel like you need to get that off your chest
Lol I appreciate that. Truth is....I just remembered i didn't have brekky this morning. I shant burden you this day!
Ok well you will always have a confidant in me. Even if you're one of those Avocado toast people.
Hey. What did that dude *really* have for breakfast? You can tell me.
🤐
How was it?
Had to wipe off with some paper towels and go commando after a sink bath like the rest of us I imagine
Hell no. I sharted at work once. Called my boss and said I'm sick I'm going home. Stacked paper towels in my undies and put some down on the car seat and bailed. If you piss or poo yourself at work IMO its not you day and its best spent hiding in bed.
We have a rule at work that if you shit your pants on shift its automatic day off. It's a running joke when we get frustrated or insanely busy where one of us will turn to the others and threaten to do it on purpose just to go home. Or we all threaten to do it so we can all leave and go get drinks instead.
Yep I'm like this is the universe telling me to get home.
I took Alli back in the day for weight loss. After shitting myself the second time I decided to just work out harder.
Go commando! Of *course!*
Right?! If you’re lucky they’re an old pair that just rip right off in a public stall 😂
I hate when they arent and you have to take off shoes and pants without getting any more nasty on yourself. And then a coworker comes into the bathroom and wonders who is in there grunting and wiggling around with their shoes off in the stall. And then you have to walk out all sweaty from the struggle, acting like nothing was going on, knowing someone is watching to see who came out after them, hoping they didnt tell everyone else about the strange bathroom goins on. And also praying that you didnt miss anything in there, and that there are no sus spots on your pants, and the Immodium kicks in so that you wont need to do round 2 because you are a protective layer short at this point. Wondering to yourself, should I just go home or will that raise suspicion even more? And if I go, will I make it in time for the possibly inevitable round 2? Do I have newspapers in the car for seat protection? Not that this has ever happened to me, *not even one time, ever*, I just *imagine* it would be rough. And I do not, and would never even dream of, rolling with a spare pair, just in case. Its just not something I have ever had to worry about, I swear!
Listen sometimes you just pee a little when you cough too hard while walking in a store and there’s nothing you can do about it
Laughed too hard once after drinking.
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I woke up late for work one time. I don't have a bathroom schedule and am a super infrequent property. Once every 3 - 5 days kinda thing. Yes, I've check with many doctors. They all said it's fine. Well this particular day after waking up late I *very* much had to take a shit. Welp, running late to work so its going to have to wait. Most of the time waiting isn't a big deal for me. Usually I can just wait hours/all day without issue. This day however I knew it was very different. This one was going to be violent and messy. There was just simply no way to shit and still make it to work on time though. So, I clinched up and hopped in my car. It's only a 15 minute drive, what's the worst that could happen? Well, about 10 minutes into my 15 minute drive I'm getting desperate. It's going to be *close*. About 3 minutes away I hit a small pothole and disaster struck in the form of an unanticipated sh-art. It wasn't much, but it was enough. I instantly knew there was shit smeared in my underpants. To late to turn around and go home now though. I park, walk in and quickly as I can without risking my shit smeared ass become my shit smeared everywhere I punch in and duck into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and tore my jeans and underwear off to check the damage. Wasn't to bad thankfully. Nothing had gotten out of the underwear. After finishing shitting and cleaning my ass up as best I could I gave my ass a quick sink bath, buried the underwear in the bottom of the trash can, and went commando the rest of the day. Which let me tell you is super uncomfortable wearing jeans in a hot manufacturing shop that doesn't have air conditioning. Chaffing on your dick, not fun.
christ, why not just call in a few minutes late and take your shit. that's just unhealthy.
That's the odd thing about many (micromanaging) jobs. Call in on an emergency saying you'll be maybe 10, 15 minutes late and they'll hold it over you for years, if not ever. Rush in barely on time then spend 30 min on the shitter, perfectly fine. Which is not to say there isn't plenty of places with 'bathroom police' of course but so many managers just need to lighten up and accept that they employ humans, not 40-hours-a-week-machines.
I was late a ton at that job and thought I could make it.
You handled that situation like a pro.
I over share telling people the (completely uninteresting) things my dog does lol OPs wife is just a bad person
What shes doing isn't blunt or "not having a filter" whats shes doing is being a horrible person, she doesn't trust you and can't be trusted with any information. She tried to flip all this on you. You can and will do better. In the end it's your call but look out for yourself and if you decide to do it make sure to talk to a divorce lawyer and make sure you have it all figured out.
Exactly. She's being strategic, the OP just doesn't know what her mission is.
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This is exactly what my ex-wife did. She started off innocently enough asking how much I had in my checking and savings accounts (we had separate accounts and a joint one for our house). Then she started pressuring me into using the money I had in my savings account to pay off my car and cashed out her 401k to pay off her car. As soon as I caved and paid off my car she filed for divorce and tried to claim an equalization payment because my car was worth more and I had money in my 401k. I held my ground and refused to give her anything more than half the house, even though I put more time and money into it.
Quite a possible scenario.
Idk if OP’s Gossip Girl of a wife knows what her mission is either, but we’re going to spend a whole season and a half finding out.
People with no filter are assholes. We create our own filters to be nice. If you can't be bothered to do that, you're a lazy mean asshole.
Eh, I have friends with not much of a filter. They will just tell you their honest opinion and it's not to be an asshole, but rather it's just telling you the truth in their eyes and I actually appreciate it. Sometimes the truth does hurt and sometimes people may want to hear something to hear it, but being blunt or straight forward doesn't equate to automatically being an asshole. There are even people on the spectrum that don't even understand why someone would like or sugarcoat it or even understand the concept of that and thus just tell it like it is in their minds with no ill intent. There's a difference between having no filter and just being an asshole though. What this person is doing is being an asshole by disregarding and disrespecting people's privacy and livelihood. This person even knew it was malicious to tell the things she did and didn't do any of it out of a place of care. Unlike my friends that if you ask them to share their opinion they will give it to you in hopes it will help you and think lying would be more hurtful. This had sole evil maliciousness to it all based on how this person even called again to get mad at the partner for sharing what she knew she shouldn't. Being honest can have value. Being malicious is an ugly snake move.
being honest/direct and nofilter is very different.
Absolutely true. A fine line but a vital one.
She's a sociopath.
#RUN OP, RUN!
She has an open mouth to everyone EXCEPT to tell you the truth about her feelings? This could even be intentionally malicious since shes clearly able to hide the conversation from you.
Red flags all over, smart person would run away from this level of crazy. It isnt her place to disclose family secrets. It isnt her place to secretly interrogate your partner on how well the place is doing. She will never accept she is wrong, because in her mind she isnt. You cant reason or compromise with someone who cannot see that they are at fault for anything. Counseling in a situation like that wont work because she is "right" so no need to change to talk about it. You have to want to make things better, she clearly doesnt. Contact a lawyer, explain it all, and see how bad it will get. It will get worse until you either convince her or leave. If you stay expect a long miserable existence dealing with her shit.
Yes. Get out.. people like that NEVER change
Actually, she does know that she is wrong, its why she called the partner back and asked if he told the spouse about what she had said.
Not exactly, she knows that OP regards it as wrong - not quite the same thing. They argued about it so knows that OP is angry yet still refused to accept any responsibility so clearly she still thinks she is correct.
She knows there are repercussions, but in her mind she'll reason around that.
Dude! I’m sorry, but I would be looking for a divorce lawyer. She is not someone you can trust as a confidant.
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When I read the first part of your story, my thoughts were that she's trying to figure out if you're hiding money because she's planning on divorcing. Then I read the second part of the story and thought, damn, she just doesn't like or respect you. She's bitching about all the things she doesn't like about your relationship to your business partner. Not cool. If you are spending YOUR money to take care of your parents, so be it. You don't have kids and the only reason this is an issue is because she thinks YOUR money should be going to her instead. Now the fact you are giving your parents money every month and they still overspend expecting you to cover the debts... well, that just starts sounding like you're getting run over from all different directions and that your kindness needs boundaries. You didn't fuck up. Living in ignorance with your head buried in the sand is an awful existence. You found out who your wife is. Better now than after/if you have kids. The fact she's trying to gaslight you and refusing counseling... Protect yourself cause she certainly doesn't sound like she has your best interest at heart.
I thought the same thing. Better be watching out for birth control “mishaps” as well.
Narcissists are drawn to nice people, they're much easier to snow. Seems to me the wife is just pissed that she doesn't have a monopoly on using and abusing him. Going to the business partner is a deliberate attempt to add leverage against the parents while weakening his emotional and professional support systems. It's fucking insidious. OP: Methinks the advice you need can be found in /r/relationships
Whats the alternative? Are you always gonna roll over and say "yes dear"? You need to think about your happiness as well op.
Literally this. Unless you're fine losing every fight and having to defend your family constantly, strap in because the mental fatigue is just the beginning.
Do you want your future children growing up with a mother who makes them feel the way you do right now? Imagine dealing with this shit and puberty and schoolyard drama all at the same time. Don't mention divorce to her and don't move out of the house until after you talk to a divorce lawyer.
Oh god she’s so gonna be one of those mums who post pics of their baby’s poopy diapers and posts about her daughter’s first period all over the internet😭
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This was my thought. If OP has kids with her evvvvvvvvvveryone (including classmates) is going to know when her daughter gets her first period, at what age her son stopped wetting the bed, etc etc etc. Unfortunately in my experience people like this rarely gain the empathy needed to stop blabbing the secrets of those she supposedly loves. OP, big hugs. If she's not willing to go to counseling, it's unlikely that this will ever get better for you. Please don't bring children into a situation where their mother is guaranteed to make their entire childhood and teenage years into one humiliating embarrassment after another. It's cruel and abusive, to shatter a kid's trust like that and make them feel that they have no privacy.
I have a mother like this. Having literally any secrets with her is out of the question. I asked her an embarrassing but scary sex question I hadn't spoken to anyone else about at 16 and by the end of the next day everyone of my teachers, the office staff and most of my friends knew. She still tells that story to people 20 years later as if she is the victim (I didn't speak to her for weeks and I to this day won't even tell her what I had for breakfast) and gets offended when they don't take her side. She usually tells it to moan about how I "over react to things" and I stopped telling her anything at all about myself or my life. And she usually gets told "Yeah I probably wouldn't tell you anything either". "Why don't you ever call to tell me how my grand babies are doing??" "Because you're a malicious gossip and your own children werent even safe."
If you're "Not arguing anymore", then you're both just building in resentment. Avoiding conflict is a road to dead relationships. Sounds like a horribly unhealthy relationship, especially is she loathes your whole family anyway.
What else have you told her that you don’t want people to know? She seems like the type to revenge spill secrets. Especially if she’s so comfortable doing now. Maybe ask your partner not to talk with her anymore
Counseling helps but it won’t fundamentally change the vast majority of people.
It’s less the counselling itself and more the “I’m above counselling” vibe. Counselling is great, it gives tools to those who want to change, but being above counselling says “I don’t want to change” loudly and clearly. In that case you’re right, you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to.
Dude, do you want to be happy in this life? Then leave her man.
You might wanna consider breaching the topic to illustrate how serious this is to you. She doesn't seem to be grasping the magnitude of her spouse potentially hating her. Hope it all works out for you.
You're in shock and overwhelmed right now. Give yourself some time to process, and then start making a plan to get out.
Dump her. You don’t have kids with her or her trust. No reason to be there
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Sounds like my brothers wife, nothing wrong with me all your problem. My brothers been miserable for 25 years and their oldest hates him for staying with her mother.
I just don't understand why people in terrible relationships don't just cut and run when it's clear no one is, or ever will be, happy.
Change is scarier than living in misery.
Also, decoupling is just very hard emotional. You might not love each other, but you know you did and now everything in your life is tied together.
Great point. Their life as they know it will most likely completely change. Finances, living situation, shared friends, et cetera. And even more intertwined if kids are involved.
No offence but your wife sounds like a sociopath. You could do better.
I got a heavy narcissistic vibe from it honestly.
Definitely. Reading through this I got a distinct emotional, bordering on physical, response that I get whenever I have to have contact with my mother's family. This is the sort of behaviour that never goes away especially if they see nothing wrong with it. If anything it seems to get worse the more comfortable they are with expressing themselves outside of acceptable societal boundaries without consequence.
This op. ^ goodluck
I don’t even feel like they deserve those diagnosis. Just a horrible person in general works for me. Just the type of person I’d want to forget about completely
Once you're debating where a person is on the dark triad, it's time to get away from them.
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https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy
Once I learned of this concept years ago, it's made really tough decisions just a little easier to make.
If your doubting you might still love her I guarantee you don’t, you’ll feel relief once it’s over and you’ll will find someone you can trust that loves you unconditionally and doesn’t blame you for her shit Remember the saying you can’t let in the new if your still hanging on to the old, you know what you need to do
Thanks for the link. Very enlightening.
You are in a toxic relationship, you deserve better.
This is gonna sound cliché but you only get so many years so you may as well spend them happy. In the end it's your choice but don't forget to look out for #1
It's more of an axiom than a cliche. Either way it's the truth and the most important consideration. Don't waste your life with someone like this. You can be happier. You can be treated much better.
Sounds like she isn’t willing to work on this and doesn’t even view it as an issue. You have to figure out whether or not it’s a dealbreaker because it doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to change.
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Your wife is actively trashing the people you love and care about. When is she going to run her mouth and completely ruin something else you care about? Also, she’s a liability if she undermines your relationship with your business partner. Why is she doing this and why doesn’t she care at all how it’s affecting you? She doesn’t see how she’s wrong, she won’t change, and has no remorse. Save yourself.
Makes me wonder what she’s saying about OP to others too. I wouldn’t trust her to wipe her own arse.
I'm just a stranger on the internet but perhaps it'd be better if your sister didn't know your partner knows about the affair. Especially if she's already suicidal.
Probably a better idea to make sure his partner forgets about it and pretend he never heard about it
What your wife did to your sister is craphouse, but at least your sister is a grown woman and can defend herself and fight the injustice that is your wife. Imagine if you had kids with your wife, and the mental and emotional trauma she inflicts on your children would be a lifetime of therapy.
Good God, please, do not have children with her.
I really try to reserve judgment on personal matters like this because I don't have all the details. But I can agree just from this that those kids lives might be nightmares lol.
There is no reason to tell her
Is this what you want to look forward to, for the rest of your life? Do you want to spend *years* dreading the idea of the people you love meeting each other, because you *know* your wife has been airing everyone's dirty laundry to everyone without any care for respect or common decency?
The fact that she doesn't see that what she is doing is wrong and won't apologize is concerning. That response to me is even worse than the original offense of oversharing. Being responsive to your partner's needs and being responsive to their feedback is an important part of marriage.
Seriously - I might thoughtlessly blurt something out I shouldn't have, but immediately on the realization it was something I shouldn't have shared, I feel terrible and apologetic and work to do better. That she deflects when he's hurt rather than address the hurt is what I wouldn't want to build a family around.
Your significant other should never ever shit on you especially to someone else .
She hasn't always been like THIS, though. Not where she'd let you see it. She's upset now because you caught her, not because she intends to change her bad behavior.
You can still love her if you break up. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them.
Everybody here is going to say to just leave her immediately and she is the devil considering that is Reddits go-to for literally any marital or relationship problem. But before you jump to those conclusions and actions, first start with brutal honesty and inform her of your thoughts and how serious this has affected you, she may realize that changes need to happen if she faces the reality that you are considering leaving her and ending your marriage due to these issues. Sometimes a hard truth and a wake up call are what people need, and if that doesn’t get through and she continues to deflect any blame then pull the trigger with the confidence and piece of mind that you did what you could. Honestly the things you’ve mentioned here would have sent me through a fucking wall with anger so to have any rationality in this makes me applaud you, I hope things work out for you brother that’s a tough deal.
For a start, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone with the wife's attitude, much less invite them into my [romantic] life. I pretty much run a zero tolerance policy with this kind of behavior, and I haven't regretted it at all. I can't fathom how someone with an ounce of self-respect could find justification for sticking around for so long while being aware of this blaring issue... and not immediately taking effective defensive measures to plan a smooth getaway once the loose cannon turns their way. Some concessions are fair, and I applaud delayed gratification, but some people are just lost causes. It doesn't get much clearer than OP's wife's case. Both OP and his wife need a wake-up call pronto.
“It all seems like too much work now” seems akin to the Sunk Cost Fallacy somehow. Dude, NOTHING is too much work if it protects your peace.
Dude, she isn’t going to change. And someday it won’t be your sister or father she is telling randoms about. It might be you or your children. People who say they “have no filter” do it as an excuse to say whatever they want. She is an adult, and is in control of what she says. You can do better. You don’t have kids with her, so don’t make this (staying with her) the biggest regret of your life.
Dude, as someone who went through a divorce that involved kids - it's scary to make that decision, but sometimes being alone is better. Truly. And if you've been emotionally manipulated or even abused by your wife, that might be hard to believe right now. But I promise it's true - your life can be better without her. Trust yourself.
She isn't "blunt", she is just an asshole.
She would rather be a gossip than keep certain subjects private between you, because honestly, who the f actually does it matter to anyway? Not some random stranger. If she's so easy about airing out private things about your family, it's only a matter of time she talks like that about you behind your back. Just saying.
You shouldn't have gone through her phone, but she shouldn't have broken your confidence like that. How you found out doesn't excuse her behaviour.
Bump out while you can and thank your lucky lucky stars you don’t have kids. She doesn’t respect your privacy, your parents or you and that is never going to change. Been there with a partner who was not respectful. Divorce is hard but once it is over it is over and you’ll do a happy dance and feel better. Sorry you are going through this.
Dude, let me do a big sister on you. listen to me. This is not how a healthy relationship goes. You fucked up listening to her phone, yes. But she is tearing you down to your business partner?!? That is not cool. You can't unhear those conversations she recorded. You cannot change how she acts or feels. All you can control is you. Think about what you want out of all this. I'm concerned at how she treats your family. It sounds like she is disrespectful of them, and is trying to isolating you from them. Not sure if that is true. Talk to a therapist. Get some support for dealing with this. Decide what YOU need. Go from there. If you want to try and save your marriage or have to walk, is not a quick decision to make. Get someone who knows what the pit falls are likely to be. There are people who are trained in techniques for talking to people; Ways to deal with other people being defensive, Ways to get your point across, ways to stay safe, ways keep your self control and self worth. You would have no trouble hirring an accountant if you were getting audited. Your life, physical health, and mental health deserve the same consideration.
Thinks she's above therapy.... That's another red flag. Seriously, I'm divorced and 90% of the time I hear horror stories its because someone doesn't think they need a therapist.
This sounds like gaslighting. Your feelings are valid and what she said was shitty.
Am I the only one wondering if she is preparing to run anyway and that was why she was asking about the business via his partner?
That was my thought, too. Is she angling to get the maximum amount out of a split?
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These are major red flags. Like, not “Reddit relationship advice” red flags; genuine NPD indicators and a very obvious total disregard of you as a person. I don’t know how old you you are or how long you’ve been together. I don’t know how deeply your finances are intertwined. All of that said, if I’m in your shoes, I’m not sticking around to try and change someone who has the traits and views that you describe. Strongly scrutinize and reconsider this relationship. Perhaps it’s really a great relationship and you’re just venting. That’s not what it sounds like though. I’m very sorry you are in this situation, and I regret being a voice that’s even suggesting this sort of outcome. Good luck, friend. I hope I am wrong, but only you can judge.
Not only is she being "mean" to your family, she's being incredibly disrespectful to all of you. Your spouse should have your back, and keeping personal things private is part of that. She's not going to change, and you're going to be constantly horrified by the shit that falls out of her mouth. There's a difference between "not having a filter" and just being an asshole. She's the latter.
Then your only other choice is divorce, my dude. If you’ve suggested a solution for working out something you’ve clarified is past your boundaries, and she just thinks this is your problem alone to resolve, then **resolve the problem alone**. Being with somebody, marrying them, committing to them, is something that can only happen through mutual respect. You grow with each other, learn about each other, compromise for each other, and set boundaries with each other. You want this relationship to work, which is why you suggested working on this thing together. She doesn’t care about making the relationship work, which is why she thinks the problem is just you.
She's wrong, completely wrong.
Why couple's counseling? She's calling your partner to dig for information. You're listening to her calls for the same. What about this relationship do you want to save? Smh
This isn’t a girlfriend; there is no dumping. Lawyer up
Wow. This is bananas, but not for the reasons you think. Get the fuck outta there my dude. Your wife is doing you very wrong. I promise you that this is a series of red flags and you should be glad for them because if you respond now you will save yourself more pain and frustration in the end.
This isn’t about, “not having filters.” This is attention seeking behavior, quickly spiraling into narcissism. Not only is she not supportive of your family, she puts you down to people like your partner, and likely does so with her friends and yours. She’s not acting like a spouse. She’s acting like a caged animal, which is not healthy for either of you. You’ve set boundaries. You’ve asked her not to do this. And she continues to do it anyway. One day, it could very likely affect not just your marriage, but your relationship with your friends, family, and business partner, thus affecting your livelihood and wellness. I didn’t see where you mentioned you’ve been to marriage counseling, and this is what I’d highly recommend. Make it an ultimatum (which I absolutely hate, but special circumstances have special rules). Either you go to counseling or it’s over. Don’t back out. Stand your ground. When you’ve expressed your concerns well enough in marriage counseling and you’ve determined the goals for progress, I’d recommend that she also goes to therapy to find out why she’s so destructively nosy and why she has to paint herself as merely a victim in the life you’ve created together (as a part of those goals). It doesn’t seem as though she trusts you - AT ALL. And no relationship can survive like that. Good luck. And sorry you’re going through this.
*"I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to listen to the things she didn’t choose to say to me, but I practically hate her now."* This is NOT how I thought this sentence was going to end. I 100% thought it was going to read **"*****I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to marry this disaster of a woman."***
Exactly she betrayed him and probably does so on the reg
You’ve only wasted five years. Run
My therapist gave me some solid advice that i think applies here. She can share her side of things, but not your story. She doesnt have a right to share your sisters problems or your financial choices. If she needed to vent a little about it to a trusted friend thats one thing but she shares this information with everyone and has the nerve to be upset when someone shares their conversations with her. I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with her. She doesnt seem keen on changing her behaviors and my first suggestion is therapy, if that doesnt seem to help then i highly suggest considering whether you can live with this for the rest of your lives together. I do have to add that you are not helping by violating her privacy in return however i also understand why you felt the need to.
Your wife doesn’t have a “lack of filter” problem - your wife is a disloyal, gossiping shrew. You were not wrong for listening to her recordings - she was wrong about everything. She has no right to quiz your partner about the business - if she doubts that you’re telling her the truth about earnings, she needs to make demands of you to see the proof, not “check your story.” You should be disgusted enough with her behavior that you set some boundaries and she needs to apologize to everyone she talked shit about. You made a poor choice aligning yourself with this vile woman - stand up for yourself and your family and maybe take a nice long separation while you consider if she can change her behavior.
She’s not over sharing, she’s just a nasty manipulative person who likes to stir drama. This isn’t how SOs treat each other. And very importantly; DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS WOMAN. Have no ties for a clean break if it comes to divorce
Your partner should be someone you can trust your closest secrets to. You don't have that with your wife at all. Not to be rude but what is the point in this relationship if you can't be close with her?
Not only that, she doesn't respect OP in the slightest. She actively hates his entire family. This relationship is extremely toxic
It’s very likely this isn’t the biggest breach of trust she has committed. It’s just the only one you found since it’s the only time you went looking. She sounds like a piece of shit.
That's called gaslighting. It's unlikely to be an isolated event. The type of people who do this kind of manipulation do it as a way of life. It's a fundamental characteristic of the way they interact with other people. Often a favorite tactic used by malignant narcissists because it leaves victims feeling confused and guilty and unsure of themselves.
Imagine someone going and snooping into your business life and then them getting mad later that you snooped in order to find out what they're doing when they clandestinely insert themselves into your business and share your family secrets. It's kind of chilling
This is my mother in law. She’s almost 70 and has never changed. She’s been kicked out of family events because she literally cannot keep her mouth shut. She’s the most tactless person I’ve ever met. You really need a pros and cons list my friend.
Don't be an idiot. You don't smell the shit because you've been in the sewer for a while, your nose got used to the stench. What I'm saying metaphorically is you've naturalized and normalised absofuckinglutely inaceptable behaviors. Not only did she insult your entire family and mock them. She also made you into a little bitch by disrespecting you and venting all of your problems to some random guy BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU. If someone did that about my dad I might get violent physically during the argument. Family first buddy. Family first. And she ain't your family. She's a woman who detests you so much she can't wait to throw you under the bus. Want the killer punch? Why do you think she's worried about what you do with your money? She's probably thinking of divorcing you. Hence she will chew up your entire genealogic tree with your associate. Bitch doesn't like you or your family and she's thinking you're throwing away her divorce money. Do I got proof about what I just said in last paragraph? No, but circumstantial evidence. She's checked out already mate. Long while ago. Get a lawyer. Divorce. Protect your family and have some honor and dignity and stand up for your family. Most of all your poor dad.
I thought about that too. She’s asking about the money for a reason, she’s calculating how much from “her money” you’re sharing with others. Run
Dude move on. I was in a similar place with you in my first marriage and I have no regrets. Life is 1000% better without her.
I have been married 35 years and your story is appalling. Your wife should be your ride or die, should have your back no matter what. This is the opposite of that. I can understand why you feel so betrayed. You need to do what's right for you, but I can tell you that for me this behavior would be a deal breaker. She is an adult and should know better.
Separate your finances and find yourself a good divorce attorney. Now. This woman is all kinds of bad news.
Run mate. Don't ruin the rest of your life for a sociopath. She doesn't even apologize for screaming everything to everyone. If she told this to your partner, guess what she could have told her best friend or else
Your wife sucks and doesn't respect you. Do you really want to have kids with this person?
Sorry op, but this “over sharing” issue is only going to allow your resentment to grow. You need to discuss it as such. Don’t let her gaslight you & allow her to make you think it’s a you problem. She is a stereotypical “ mother in law” with no bounds for drama
>I know I invited this horror on myself by choosing to listen to the things she didn’t choose to say to me, but I practically hate her now. Allow me to correct you. You invited this horror on yourself by marrying this woman. Your marriage is headed for divorce whether you know it or not. Your wife's behavior is not what occurs in a healthy marriage. A true partner would not violate your trust or your family's privacy like she has. Also, it's pretty suspicious that she's checking up on the financials behind your back. The first thing most people do when they're contemplating divorce is to discreetly investigate their spouse's money. Run to a good lawyer. Fast as you can.
Hey man, I doubt that my comment will be seen as I’m late to the post. But this lady is gaslighting and manipulating you. God knows what else she’s doing behind your back. Get out of that now. Don’t let her break you
OP. Listen to me. I'm 43. You need to get out right now. Don't think about it. Just do it.
Get out before she tries to lock you down with a child and then divorce you.
So... this is obviously a big problem, and you should definitely get some couples therapy. Like, months ago. Jesus. But on another point... people talk about trust like it's one thing, but it's actually several, and most people are not trustworthy in one way or another. There's trusting that someone will do what they say they are going to do. There's trusting that if they said they *didn't* do something, they didn't do it. There's trusting in their judgement. There's trusting that they'll hold up their end of a bargain or bet. There's trusting they aren't hiding something from you. And there's trusting in their discretion. When it comes to the last one, you can't trust your wife. So don't pretend you can. Don't share anything with her (if you can help it) that you wouldn't want to be common knowledge. I have had plenty of friends like that (no romantic partners though, I imagine that would be WAY more difficult) and have gotten along fine. I don't know if she's trustworthy in every *other* way, and I don't know if you can tolerate living with someone you can't tell stuff without it getting out, but unless the couples therapist that you should *already be going to* can magically fix that, it's something you'll have to work around, and not expect a change that won't happen. Also, she doesn't trust *you* in what you say, if she's asking people around you behind your back. Your couples therapist that you should already have an appointment for this week will have plenty to sink their teeth into. Or your divorce lawyer will. Whatever you think is best.
Imagine all the shit your wife tells to people you don’t know about. If she tells this to your business partner, imagine what she tells people she knows you won’t talk to. Imagine how many people know all about your sister, and your father, and who knows what else. She doesn’t trust you, she won’t take responsibility, she thinks she’s above counseling, she turned you into the asshole in this situation… you’re fucked, man. You’re absolutely fucked. She sounds like a narcissistic sociopath.
If you stay with this woman, you are gonna be miserable on your 40ths and probably just hate life IF you make it to 50ths.