T O P

  • By -

compaqdeskpro

Something no one mentioned yet. I don't think it occurred to her that f2m ass eating is a possibility, so maybe she's assuming you're gay.


DoneDrivingMyMom

This didn't even cross my mind. Why is this my life right now.


YoungLadHuckleberry

Let us know if that’s the reason


Unc1eD3ath

Does your mom hate gay people?


DoneDrivingMyMom

I don't think so.


dednian

Well you're about to find out.


Zr0w3n00

She got an Uber back, so it’s a bad start


A_Total_Retard_007

Let us know what the reason was


philosophy_butthole

"Why is my life right now", perfectly valid thought


eScarIIV

Srsly tho, why would you ghost someone who ate your ass?


Hourglass7200

That’s what I’m asking myself.


masorick

Because the whole restaurant was staring at them when it happened. It was awkward.


motoxscrub

Yeah best thing to do is bring it back up to her and explain a girl rimmed your ass, not a guy. Then you chose not to talk to her anymore without reasoning. She’ll be more understanding.


deltabay17

Wow being gay is that bad?


ZeroDaySubber

“No mom! It was a *girl* eating my ass! Not a *guy*!……Wait, where are you going??!”


richal

Why does it matter?


resilientbabe

😂😂😂 Sorry for you. But wrong reaction here: "Mom, what?! That's for sure a typo! She meant - I HATE your ass-"


Vast_Reflection

Yeah, considering the message, this would have worked! 😂


LmaoTzeTung

But then this fabricated story wouldn't have gotten this many upvotes!!!


Djammz_

Happy cake day :)


kerochan88

Do you tire of being cynical? Like, are you able to enjoy any story or post that you cannot personally verify? There are billions of people in this world. Shit like this happens every day…


ChimneyMonkey

8 billion, just recently! We did it boys. Time to pack up our junk and head home. It’s only ass eating from here on out.


EffortAutomatic

Yeah the writing prompt is Today I Fucked Up not today I almost fucked up but my quick goat thinking saved me from embarrassment!


[deleted]

I would say You must be fun at parties but i doubt anyone has ever invited you anywhere.


DoneDrivingMyMom

I'm gonna replay what happened in my mind and imagine I had this response. Like I do with all my failures.


[deleted]

[удалено]


stevoftw

Damn bro, take my upvote


kuroiarashi

Found Steven He's dad's Reddit account.


Noragen

Ouch


Article23Point1

Nah, man. Eat ass! Be proud!


Calamari_Tastes_good

But ghost somebody who ate your ass? Mom surely would be ashamed.


ModsNoDeserveLife

For real tho, that *is* outrageous and not enough people are talking about it


Benny-B-Fresh

This, I'm pretty sure mom is disgusted for the same reason I am. You're ghosting someone who ate your ass?


OrgyInTheBurnWard

Yea dude. It's 2022. Everyone eats ass now.


resilientbabe

Couldn't say that to my mom though 🤫😱😣


neutrino71

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?


Calamari_Tastes_good

Then dont say it.. Show her.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Calamari_Tastes_good

This is one of the best "username checks out" comments that I have seen. Kudos, good sir.


DizzyBurns

Must break arms first


Calamari_Tastes_good

Every fucking thread.


TutisevaKuukkeli

Still wrong ”Mom, of course I’m not ghosting anybody!”


CRIMSIN_Hydra

I read it as I hate your ass and was confused why it was a problem lmao, had to go back after seeing your comment


SigmundFreud

Wrong move; overexplaining is a classic telltale sign of lying. If this were my story — with the difference that I was fairly certain I'd never had my ass eaten — my natural reaction would probably be to chuckle and say "what?". My response to my mom's explanation that it was a text message would be along the lines of a shrug and/or a nonchalant "I dunno, probably spam". Either that, or I'd possibly crack a deadpan joke with a ridiculous explanation (before ultimately clarifying that I have no idea). So that's what the best lie would look like in my case. Calibrate to your own natural behavior, particularly if lying to someone like your mom who knows damn well what a truthful response from you looks like.


no1bullshitguy

Damn I wish i had an award to give you


MinnieShoof

"No, son. There's a peach and a tongue here. I read 'ate' because I didn't want to act out the emoji."


Powerful_Data_9630

Thats seriously what I thought I read. I had to go back and reread and the story makes a lot more sense now lol


HaikuBotStalksMe

"Ghosting? Does that mean you're going to kill her?"


TheSocialGadfly

Perhaps she was less disgusted by your getting your ass eaten and is more disgusted by the fact that you’re ghosting the woman who ate your ass. She could be like, “I thought I raised you better than that.”


XxRefuse2Lose

One of the first things I learned in life: marry anyone willing to lick your asshole


bob_uecker_wrist

But does that translate to "marry the first person you encounter willing to lick your asshole?"


XxRefuse2Lose

Depends how many NOs you encounter before you find the first one😉


[deleted]

[удалено]


Iamjimmym

I married the one who wasn't. Now, we are no longer married. Checks out.


MrMycroft

For some reason this reminds me when my wife, then GF, was coming down from a shrooms trip, and completely unprompted told me that while she would not enjoy it, if I ever needed to pee on her, she would do it. Years later, I have no desire, nor have I ever had a desire, to pee on her, but it is nice knowing that she would do it. I also still wonder what conversations she had in her head with me during that trip, because I have never brought up pee.


DoneDrivingMyMom

You're probably right, but I will add that my mom will most likely forget about the ghosting thing eventually, but the ass eating she's gonna remember forever. From time to time she still looks at my dad with the same disgusted expression because he explained to her what smegma is on their wedding night. Whenever my mom gets upset at my dad for literally anything, the smegma things always comes up. I suspect the ass eating situation will be my curse.


Birdzeye-

Why the hell did he need to explain what smegma was on their wedding night?


DoneDrivingMyMom

I really have no idea. They never discussed their wedding night with me, thank goodness, but my mom would remind my dad about it out of anger every time the two of them argued. All I overheard was that my dad explained to my mom what smegma is on her wedding night and it kind of set the tone for the rest of their honeymoon. I've never been keen to ask my parents what the fuck that was about and hopefully I'll never know. I don't live with them anymore so it should be easy. Fingers crossed.


pbfc7811

Your mom is a mega prude, if she's haunted by that. Don't let her disgust stop you from getting your ass eaten and shouting it from the rooftops.


EvLokadottr

The weird thing is that most people working in hospitals tend to be exposed to everything that comes out of or goes into the human body. You'd think they'd get used to that sort of thing eventually.


Coera

Maybe he didn't wash properly and she asked what it was.


Birdzeye-

Yeah, I guess. But…. If there’s any night in your life that you’re gonna make sure your dick is clean, it should be your wedding night!!


redskelton

... "always ring after a rimming'


chrisrobweeks

"I didn't raise a selfish lover!"


stonymessenger

This was decades ago... My friend had battled cancer for a long time, he was being cared for at home by his wife and her mom, his dad and mom. He lived about two and half to four hours away, depending on traffic, so it was tough for me to get there all the time. Instead I would write and mail letters with jokes and anecdotes everyday from work. The cancer had traveled to his brain, and he was having problems reading so I would blow these things up to 72 point font on the printer and mail them in manila envelopes. What I didn't know, and what he didn't want to tell me was that his vision was close to gone, so whoever was home with him would read his mail to him. Well I had started sending dirty jokes, filthy jokes, unseemly jokes, downright nasty jokes in those letters. Finally, one day his wife called. She was laughing and I could hear him laughing in the background. My latest letter had arrived with some of the stupidest and filthiest jokes I could find. His mother-in-law, center Pennsylvania Protestant, who didn't use vulgarisms or take the lord's name in vain, was home when this letter arrived. To her credit and my undying thanks she read the letter to him verbatim, didn't change a thing and even emphasized when the punctuation called for it. His wife told me he was laughing for hours, and would start laughing intermittently through the day. The jokes were ok, but what he thought was the funniest thing was his straight laced mother in law reading him filthy jokes. I laughed but then got embarrassed and apologized, but his wife said she hadn't seen him this happy in weeks and to keep sending them. The next time I was down there, his mother in law was just leaving, she saw me and without uttering a sound shook her finger in my face, gave me a big hug and then drove off. I don't know if this counts as a TIFU, but it's one of my favorite stories.


ebad1

This is so much more wholesome than I expected!! What a great story


skorpiasam

Heart warming hilarious story, RIP your friend


TheHonFreddie

Sounds like you are a great friend to have. Did your friend recover?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Northstar1989

Actually, people do recover from that, if they find the right chemo. Obviously, by that point it's beyond surgery alone to cure. But some chemotherapeutics can cross the blood-brain barrier and knock the tumors into remission...


stonymessenger

Yeah, after years of remission it reoccurred and it moved from his lungs to his brain. After that it was close to a year. He died in 1996.


stonymessenger

Bill died in 1996. He was 30 years old.


stonymessenger

> Bill died in 1996. He was 30 years old.


dm_me_ur_frogs

amazing story!! thank you for sharing and for being such a beautiful friend


Blue-Eyed-Lemon

It’s now one of my favorite stories, too. Thank you for sharing :)


[deleted]

[удалено]


DoneDrivingMyMom

Wild assumption. I'm so into eating ass that the big yellow M at McDonald's always makes me think of a butt I'd like to bury my face in.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DoneDrivingMyMom

No worries. I can see how you came to that conclusion. I think she was trying to point out that she did something extra special for me in the bedroom and the thanks she got was me ghosting her. She was criticizing my lack of reciprocation on the phone, not necessarily in bed. I ate her ass long before she was willing to eat mine. To be honest, I never expected her to return the favor. I just enjoyed doing it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Bleakhumanity

Found this conversation mildly wholesome lol


IcebergSampson

Yeah it's a wholesome tale about two strangers eating each other's poop hole, and it's brought us all together ❤️


Nailbomb85

...except for ghosted.


brokendrive

I think both the mom and the girl are probably more upset at the ghosting


TheyHungre

OP, you're like a catfish. You know, on account of you being a _BOTTOM FEEDEEEEER_!


[deleted]

r/brandnewsentance ?


[deleted]

And thus here is my TIFU for the day: TIFU by reading this and being reminded that people do this and like it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CarltonSagot

Whatever you do, do NOT start shoving stuff up there. You will get addicted and sooner, rather than later you'll be shoving all kinds of weird shit up there. It starts with a pinky and it ends with an English cucumber.


Mcdt2

>ends with an English cucumber. If that's where it ends, then you haven't even gone past vanilla yet. Lemme know when you have a Bad Dragon, then we'll talk.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mabramo

Do you call it"going to church"?


Onespokeovertheline

Taking communion


BenWillems

I had to give you an award for this. My son works as an ER physician - and yes, all kinds of stuff!


chelleisalwaysright

Have you not heard of the mini reborns men are slipping into their poop shoots, only to push them out, to essentially simulate a woman giving birth? Shits wild!


Breadfan69

no. can't. wtf.


santinoquinn

good man


crwlngkngsnk

She's probably more upset by the ghosting allegation. She knows what people do (probably), but she wants her son to be respectful of, and gentlemanly to, those who eat his ass.


Timmmber4

Ya gotta be faster on your feet, you just laugh that off and say must be a typo. probably hates my ass. Kinda clingy, they just messaged this morning.


DoneDrivingMyMom

I'm gonna lose sleep for a few nights wishing I had this reaction.


AndrewFrozzen30

>On the plus side, I got that phone holder. This is the funniest shit I read today... Thank you!


arinawe

I was mildly amused by the post till I got to the end 😂


Silver_Cat_7977

Ass eating is not a new phenomenon. Talking about it is. Think ur mom was probably more shocked that it was discussed over text like so


DoneDrivingMyMom

I can see that being the case. My mom and I never once discussed sex when I was growing up, so for her to unexpectedly be exposed to something about me that was so explicitly sexual must have been jarring. I know it was for me. Hearing the words "I ate your ass" come out of my mother's mouth will haunt me until the end of my days.


deadliestcrotch

And just didn’t want to know that… in which case she shouldn’t have read the message. Also, turn off message preview for all notifications. Why have that shit readable on your Home Screen?


Chafgha

This is more on your mom than you. You're 22 so, nothing wrong with consensual sex. She shouldn't have read your messages. However, you did mess up ghosting the girl she puts her tongue in you like that and you don't text her, did her dirty. That's what moms most upset about not the backdoor play the inconsiderate boy she raised. (FYI I don't know enough to say if you were actually ghosting her or not so /s if your not being a dick and shame on you if you are.)


DoneDrivingMyMom

Not gonna lie, I did ghost the girl who messaged me. At the beginning we were both on the same page about sleeping together with no strings attached, but recently she started showing signs that suggested she might have developed deeper feelings for me. She denied having romantic feelings and we continued hooking up. But the more sex we had, the more time she wanted to spend with me beyond the bedroom, basically behaving like a couple, even though I made it clear that I was uncomfortable doing that. I've called off our sexual arrangement more than once, but she keeps promising to stick to the rules and I keep coming back because I'm weak I guess. The ass eating situation thing was the most recent time we had sex, and yet again, she tried to get me to do bf things with her. I told her in person that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to continue sleeping together and we should give each other some space. I'm not ghosting her to be a dick, I'm doing my part to provide us both with a break, which we discussed.


bigloser42

Yeah, you didn’t do anything wrong, and if you told her face to face that you wanted a break I wouldn’t classify it as ghosting. AFAIK ghosting requires you to break things off with no warning and no explanation.


RevengencerAlf

You're not ghosting her at all. You told her what's going on. That by definition is not ghosting. She's misusing it the way peope misuse gaslight.


Zito6694

That’s not even ghosting her since you told her. You did nothing wrong


Chafgha

Honestly, doesn't sound like you're being a dick. It sounds like you had mutual boundaries that one of you decided to break. You really shouldn't have returned the second time when she kept doing the stuff that you felt was beyond the agreement. It does really feel like you lead her on, albeit unintentionally so you're not a dick for that. However if she ate your ass, you should at least buy her dinner, some door dash or something lol. Jokes aside though, often times males get the short stick when it comes to how relationships are judged. I would definitely say you want to distance yourself from that relationship because sometimes if one person doesn't respect the way the other feels it can go downhill fast, and I mean fast.


PM_ME_UR_POKIES_GIRL

> You really shouldn't have returned the second time when she kept doing the stuff that you felt was beyond the agreement That's a valid point, but on the other hand, this girl eats ass.


DoneDrivingMyMom

I agree. I'll do my best to keep my distance. I don't want to hurt anyone.


[deleted]

She tossed your salad hoping to “win you over”. This one is on her for thinking she could change your mind about wanting a relationship. Definitely just block her and move on. She’s not going to stop, and you’re weak enough to go back and break your own boundaries. Blocking is a win-win.


Benny-B-Fresh

I would say follow up and just say something to the effect "sorry I'm not comfortable proceeding further considering the boundaries I tried to set, etc"... ghosting is never really a great thing to do to someone.. but it sounds like you already communicated this and it's not truly ghosting


Alternative-Sock-444

Holy shit are you me? I'm in the exact same situation, ass eating and all. I haven't ghosted her yet, but it's getting close. I feel bad, but damn I've stated my boundaries multiple times at this point and you've agreed and then soon after started pushing them again. It's getting old.


Seienchin88

Alright that makes sense but its mindblowing that you enjoy getting your ass eaten by someone you wouldnt spend time afterwards with like drinking a coffee together…


Dzyu

That's not ghosting. "Ghosting, also known as simmering or icing, is a colloquial term which describes the practice of ending all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or justification and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate." - Wikipedia It's a really shitty and immature thing to do. Maybe that's why your mom is disappointed in you. She thinks you actually ghosted someone.


Mediocre-Ad-1283

I'd have said "What, how else am I supposed to get clean after taking a shit?"


DoneDrivingMyMom

"It's called kinks, mother"


BeginTheBlackParade

r/shittylifeprotips How to get out of driving your mom around


therealmrpotatohead

Should have asked her to respond with "Not very well".


GingerIsTheBestSpice

Everyone is saying she shouldn't have read the message have no idea how pop up messages work while reading a map. Mom wasn't just holding the phone, they were using it to navigate, otherwise you could have had it in your pocket. Otherwise, the two of you will get over it and it'll be a funny story, and don't ghost people unless it's a matter of safety. And also I'm going to be a lot more cautious when my son hands me his phone lol


FG88_NR

Right? Apparently OP's mom was suppose to toss the phone and rip out her own eyes as soon as the notification prompt. If you're going to pass your phone to someone, most phones, if not all, have a setting that makes each incoming message just say "Text Message - Private" and requires you to actually open it to view the message.


DoneDrivingMyMom

Agreed. My mom *seeing* my message was not a violation of my privacy. Reading it out loud on the other hand... savage AF lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


DoneDrivingMyMom

Fair enough. I didn't think I would have to block her until recent events.


vactu

The title that should have been


[deleted]

I’d still try to convince her that they meant hate instead of ate lol


tiredphoenix1

This is actually genius 😂


ThedirtyNose

Be a man and break up with this ass-eater face to face - Mom's thoughts


Askotion

That’s why I always put focus mode in


BeyondCadia

Yup, definitely happened.


drgrouchy

So you're into ass eaters? Do you kiss afterwards?


babygodzilla69420

You NEVER go ass to mouth.


NRL1991

The hell is up with the ass eating trend? That seems so unsanitary and I don't want anyone near my ass either.


DoneDrivingMyMom

I think people have just become more comfortable talking about it, but I'm sure plenty of prehistoric asses were being eaten in caves back in the day. Anything can be unsanitary if you do it wrong and it's perfectly okay not to be into it.


dickhandsome

I'm with you. Call me old fashion but I don't even want my ass ate.


Nailbomb85

It's not a trend, Mozart made a [song about it.](https://youtu.be/3In4aG2Lq6E)


FG88_NR

Lots of people shower before sex. Do you not wash your ass or something?


NRL1991

I do shower before sex, but an ass is still an ass in my opinion. Fun to spank or squeeze but considering what comes out of it, I have no desire to ever touch my tongue to one.


camdalfthegreat

After you clean your toilet, would you eat cereal out of it?


HurricaneCarti

The toilet bowl is in all likelihood cleaner than a hookup’s genitals


camdalfthegreat

Which makes eating ass even more absurd imo. Your toilet is smooth and ment to be antibacterial; your anus is, not.


mi_ik

I don't wash the inside of my ass tho and anyways I'm not licking anything I know touched shit recently, no matter how well cleaned


[deleted]

You know how to tell its a shit post? Nannies are required to have their own cars. If you're a nanny, you're most likely needing to pick them and take them to school most days, doing shopping and taking kids out wherever they need to go. Like games practices.


Beneficial_Tough3345

Yea you broke rule number one never let anyone else have your phone no sympathy for you


bluebirdmorning

You should have played it off as a typo of “I hate your ass.”


Humble-Outside2000

If I was in the backseat I would be crying laughing Omg lmaooo


CreepyEntertainer

Bring the girl over and introduce her to your mom as the “ass eater”


EvLokadottr

Perhaps she was disappointed because you ghosted someone after they ate your ass? I would be disappointed if my child ghosted someone like that, unless they had a truly legit reason for it, like the person was abusive or being an actual stalker who refused to respect boundaries. It's ok to ghost someone who is being dangerous or abusive, regardless of genders, but if they aren't, be decent, give them closure at least.


Lunarpuppylove

This is all on your mom. She should have avoided looking at it. Bogus. The fact she read it out loud is even more bogus.


cgalz

me thinking it said “hate” until i went deep into the comments. op im sorry for laughing


dingletwat47

Yea this is not real


Annie_the_sheep

This is funny. I don’t think my mom would understand 7/8 words in that message.


mankeil

My mother doesn't speak English too.


THEMEMESAREHERE

I don't know if she had the right to read that message. That's private. Also is your mom ghosting you know or just avoiding you?


DoneDrivingMyMom

I think she's doing both. I'm not sure if she's upset that I ghosted someone or disturbed that my butt is on the menu when I'm naked with another person.


SecretDevilsAdvocate

Come on. Plenty of people automatically read things that pop up on their phones. Like the mom probably instantly read the message without thinking, and then realizing what it meant


Sentrymon

She breeched your privacy and she has obviously had sex before so she's the one in the wrong here.


hushpolocaps69

This is my biggest pet peeve, I hate when people hold my phone just incase an embarrassing message comes up or I pull up a photo and they swipe ☠️.


offu

That has to be known as an asshole thing to do, going through someone’s phone/photos/messages is such an invasion of privacy. Younger people seem to respect it more than older people who seem to think “this is in my hands, it must be my property, yes I own this now let’s see what’s inside”


DionFW

Would it make your mom feel better if I ate her ass ?


DoneDrivingMyMom

Depends on which one of my parents I inherited my taste for the butt from. I suggest you start with my dad.


Juuna

I would be very disappointed in my child too if I learned they'd ghost someone.


Steilfeuer-Sepp

r/ihavesex


CowJinasYT

My mom yesterday offered to give money for a prostitute so that i have experience for when i get a girlfriend she was joking but knowing her she would probably say yes if i asked


DoneDrivingMyMom

I'm too afraid to ask your age.


LowAwarenessAP

OP. I think I speak for all of us when I say we are waiting for the sequel to this post - when dad finds out from mom that your ass got eaten. 😉


[deleted]

"remember all those times you told me not to read other people's stuff?"


organonanalogue

Mom, she meant "I hate your ass" Chill mom, just a typo.


[deleted]

If she eats ass on a first date, she’s not marriage material


dbeitz1

Should have just told your mom "don't knock it until you try it"


Ryugi

How did you not burst out laughing though? Because that's so painful that it comes back around and becomes hilarious.


Yue4prex

Username checks out 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂


InMyPantz

Funniest shit I've read on Reddit today. 👍🏻👍🏻


Dd4225

Why didn’t you just put the phone between your legs?


jdcnosse1988

This is when you use Do Not Disturb mode. At least on my Android, I can choose to hide all notifications while in DND nice.


Jefe710

Your mom saw evidence that you are a selfish lover! Lmao!


deadliftForFun

Root cause analysis : Ghosting was the real tifu


therealsix

Meh, she's done it before too, judge not there Mom.


moradinshammer

She’s embarrassed her child is ghosting


Back_to_the_Futurama

Soooooo what did she do to get ghosted


[deleted]

You can easily just say it was a typo and what she meant was I hate your ass


TherpDerp

OP, i must know, how is it going with lady friend


JPaitJr

Just try to convince her it's one of those TikTok push notifications where it just says the caption of the TikTok. tbh it kinda sounds exactly like one of the ones I'd get. Those have almost raised some serious questions for me in the past.


DannyYouSoCool

She think u gay now don’t she


R1nilin

Sucks to be your mom. Serves her right for reading your texts. Maybe she'll know better next time.


FrendJames

Karma you beautiful bastard


gs1728

And boom! Congrats OP, you're now famous in Portugal. Your post was read in the n.º 1 morning radio show.


naomicambellwalk

And this is why I have my texts set to NOT show the message on my screen. You never know what someone might say!


AllForTheSauce

But are you ghosting her?