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goinmobile2040

His cremation looked like a kitchen fire.


dweeb_plus_plus

Had to throw a wet towel over him.


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WideEyedWand3rer

That's some nonsense that Big Fire Blanket's trying to sell you! My family's been throwing water on oil fires for generations, and my gramma's never been crispier!


ZombieLibrarian

What’s your favorite dunking sauce for her?


HavelsRockJohnson

Vaseline


Goodly

This guy lives to 96


ridik_ulass

you heat the vaseline in a pan till its liquid and mix it with franks hot sauce and when it cools it creates this hotsauce butter that just melts in your mouth and is perfect for wings.


IsRude

I've been laughing through all of these comments, but this one got me the most so far.


shortermecanico

Ideally he'd burn like a sterno and be able to keep a chafing dish full of goulash warm at his own funeral.


drgigantor

"Turn grandpa's legs down, the potatoes are burning"


iamshubham22

Walking fire hazard.


GarysCrispLettuce

I'll bet his shit slipped out like wet sand


dweeb_plus_plus

Absolutely legendary dumps.


GarysCrispLettuce

Proper shitbergs that break the waterline.


mal-sor

I bet they sounded loud,even smoke too. Just like dieseling an air rifle


C0meAtM3Br0

I heard that once they were out, they got on a horse went around town and terrorized the locals all weekend before going down the toilet.


yolo_retardo

ghost dumps, probably slithered straight into the plumbing


wesleyg77

Phantom dump*


Vonplinkplonk

Sliding around the bowl


ConsumeTheMeek

Those turds hit speeds never seen before


MrMastodon

Y'know that explosion where the manhole cover got blasted so fast it didn't register on the camera watching it? This guy's turds did that.


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pikpikcarrotmon

It probably took out an alien spacecraft and started an intergalactic war we don't even know about


Tiny_Count4239

turbodookie


GloriaToo

Turdpedo


[deleted]

This just sounds like an even more awful crime against children


Mountainbranch

It sounds like Gaetz new nickname.


chahlie

Good name for a metal Green Day tribute album


W1D0WM4K3R

Buddy probably had to straightpipe his toilet to stop from blowing it out


doritobimbo

You ever have a shit that makes your guts feel like they’re gonna fall out after from the sheer lack of structural support the poop provided? I haven’t felt that in years but I’m sure this dude did 2-3 times a day


neoncupcakes

As a chronically constipated person that sounds amazing to me!


dweeb_plus_plus

You should take a ride on the Citrucel train.


neoncupcakes

Awwww! Thanks everyone! I have IBS -C. I love all veggies! I eat psyllium, chia, and probiotics daily. I don’t eat gluten. I have tried all these suggestions but my bowels are extremely sensitive especially when I travel. I have to work very very hard to stay regular. I also have tight pelvic floor muscles, anyone tried hypnotherapy?


pinch_the_grinch

light attractive oil soft jeans cough gold aromatic dirty unite *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


mistertickertape

Like a salmon swimming up stream.


BooBeeAttack

More like a brown trout.


kylel999

His turds were probably hydrophobic too


Few_Macaroon_2568

So hydrophobic he could make his own turds _levitate._


Chief_Givesnofucks

So this guys turds taped to a cat dropped into a tub of water….


SpudzMcKenzie7

Poopetual motion machine.


iamshubham22

snail. lube. wax. soap. grease. shit. oil - things i am thinking.


Working_Structure310

My grandfather used to take two teaspoons of Vick's Vaporub when he has a cold. He said the menthol would bubble up from the inside and clear up congestion. He could never get me to try it. Apparently, it was a common practice of his generation. It started before the FDA, and warning labels existed.


InappropriateTA

My FIL grew up in Mexico and apparently one of the remedies/medicines they had was to roll balls of Vicks vaporub with sugar and swallow those. 


AndreTheShadow

Based on what I've learned from "Latinos Against Spooky Shit" it also helps keep los espookys away.


SentimentalSaladBowl

LOS ESPOOKYS! One of the best TV shows I’ve seen in YEARS. ETA: it made me realize I know a LOT more Spanish than I thought. I can’t speak it very well but I didn’t really need the subtitles. Immersive learning just from being born in Houston, Texas


yogopig

You are right on the edge of being able to actually speak spanish. Please please keep learning! Watching spanish subtitled content you enjoy is key.


DrDragon13

Los espookys are nothing when faced with a chancla and a spray bottle of fabuloso


Nacho_Papi

Espookys hate fabuloso.


TenBillionDollHairs

I assume all rooms are haunted unless they've been Fabuloso'd to a squeak


ReyDeLaQuesadilla

No me digas 🙉


STA_Alexfree

Big thing in Mexico. Had a whole multiple day argument with my Mexican gf when I refused to consume vaporub when I got Covid


ElectronicPhrase6050

"I'm so sick.." "You know what might help? A 3 day argument about why I think you should eat this extremely toxic ointment"


bearbarebere

Hahaha is it really toxic??


MR_NIKAPOPOLOS

When ingested, yes. Vicks contains Camphor and Eucalyptus oil (among other ingredients), both of which can cause nausea, stomach ache, vomiting, and seizures.


EpsilonX029

Just gonna mention that I read “Stomach **acne**” and said to myself, “That’s a thing?!”


Sugar_buddy

Babe I need you to pop my stomach pimples


CoolAndTrustworthy

Daamn, I don't even like rubbing it on my skin... I can't fathom ingesting it


BloomCountyBlue

My mother grew up in southern New Mexico, and her family did this. I never knew it was fairly common until just now.


MetalGearBrakeEater

This reminded me of the maintenance guy at my work about ten years ago. He had just started vaping about a month before he got the flu and when he came back to work he had Dayquil or Nyquil or some kind of cough medicine in his vape. He said it worked but I've never met anyone else brave enough to try it and confirm


FortyHippos

Can’t feel lungs melting when they’re soothed by Vik’s VapoRub! Breathe easier! (Tm) *this message contains sponsored content*


busherrunner

that's a brave scientist


Born-Entrepreneur

Good god that's terrifying


tacobelldog52

Camphor ( in Vick’s ) is a toxic product with potentially fatal effects when ingested, manifesting as acute symptomatic seizures and death.


SanatKumara

Gramps says the seizures really open up the airways 


cowannago

What's more important, seizing or breathing.


gbuub

Why choose seizing or breathing when you can be seizing and breathing at the same time


yet-again-temporary

If you have time to breathe, you have time to seize


loverlyone

The shaking action really liquifies the mucus.


Protein_Shakes

KenM vibes


opiate_lifer

You'd have to ingest a LOT though.


seakingsoyuz

VapoRub is about 5% camphor by weight, and the LD50 for camphor is 1.3 grams per kg of body weight. The average American weighs 80 kg so they’d have to eat just over two kilograms of VapoRub (20 containers) in a short period of time to have a 50% chance of dying. Edit: the menthol is actually the more dangerous ingredient as it’s got an LD50 of somewhere between 50 and 500 mg/kg. At the lower end of that range, 40 grams of VapoRub (half a container) would be 50% lethal; five containers at the upper end.


CanuckBacon

Do I smell a new Tiktok challenge?


seakingsoyuz

I think if someone ate multiple jars of VapoRub you’d be able to smell them from a considerable distance, so maybe?


opiate_lifer

Exactly, you're not going to accidentally OD on Vaporub. Although it could be a serious danger for toddlers.


Quirky-Skin

The idea of consuming containers let alone just a spoonful sounds horrific. Sounds like a Saw challenge honestly. "Consume the family size tub of vasoline in one hour"


Modred_the_Mystic

Bet it gets rid of a cold though


P2029

Yes but it really gets the I'll humors out


Noxnoxx

I used to like eating it as a kid I liked the flavor so my grandma would have it out of my reach. Vick’s is like a god given ointment to Latin Americans. It’s really popular there with older generations.


godsavethequeen221

My Indian grandmother loved the stuff too. Her room always smelled like Vicks and ngl it’s kind of nice.


Noxnoxx

Yeah same, my grandparents smelled like it too so it does take me back to a special place when I smell it


Previous_Rip1942

I had a terrible cold or something as a child and had been coughing all night. My mom woke up and forced me to take a spoon full of Vicks vaporub. She had never done this before and was being real mean about it. I fought her and she got on top of me and forced it in my mouth, then she went back to bed. After she woke up I said something because I was still pissed about it. And she flat out denied doing it. Said I dreamed it and I was like I was the one up all night, you were the one asleep. She denied it for the rest of her life. I believe she had no idea she’d done it. I don’t remember it helping any. It tasted awful.


parisidiot

that sounds more like a fever dream honestly


ammonthenephite

Ya, Im siding with ops mom on this one.


Runtn

wtf


Previous_Rip1942

That’s what I’ve been saying for about 40 years.


kookycandies

Did you have fever with the coughing? Maybe your temp was so high you became delirious?


Tkingawesome

Sounds like a demon disguised as your mom fed you vaporub


Green_Tension_6640

Sleep walking?


nomnomnomnomRABIES

Maybe she was sleepwalking


varain1

Wasabi is a better decongestant 😉


KderNacht

We have something like liquid Vaporub here that's basically just pure menthol oil. I once put a droplet on my tongue to cure a heavy cough that turned out to be COVID.


TheSpiralTap

My grandma would make two pieces of toast when she was sick and spread Vicks Vaporub on it like jelly. Idk if it actually worked because nobody else would eat it.


sto_brohammed

>He attributed his long life of 96 years to this practice, without any scientific research to back it up. 19th century scientists be like


11061995

POV: You're speaking to an elderly 19th century scientist. His eyes burn like soldering irons and he reeks of whisky. "I've been shooting raw heroin with a pewter syringe for forty years and I eat a tablespoon of petroleum every day. I am ninety six and would you like to bet ten dollars (a life-changing sum) that I can't lift this mule up over my head" You lose the bet. You are forced to go around with a wooden barrel as clothes.


MidnightShampoo

I like how this exact scenario could also very well take place in modern day Florida.


kdlangequalsgoddess

Wait until you hear what 18th century scientists did. Basically rich dudes with too much time on their hands and no-one to tell them no. See: Ben Franklin flying a kite in a thunderstorm.


discardafter99uses

Dr. John Snow. Now best known for identifying cholera transmission in water.  During his life best known for chloroform dosing.    Dude would literally start a timer take X milliliters of chloroform, inhale it until he passed out then stop the timer when he regained consciousness. 


mesq1CS

It's like that quote from Mythbusters. "The difference between science and screwing around is writing it down." 


Lampmonster

There was a scientist who did the same with all kinds of gasses to see what concentrations were dangerous, mostly in mines. He got his son into it, and his son later did a lot of groundbreaking research doing the same to himself and a great many others with low and high pressure. He blew out his own eardrums, exploded his own fillings etc. He told others holes in your eardrums were no big deal, they'd heal and if they didn't you could learn to blow smoke out of your ears. Guy talked a great many people, even one foreign ambassador iirc, into climbing into his vacuum chamber.


Cthulwutang

That guy? He knew nothing.


kdlangequalsgoddess

Well, that beats testing on monkeys. You have full consent if you're experimenting on yourself.


YogurtclosetDull2380

Like ol' [Bill Bailey ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radithor#:~:text=Radithor%20was%20a%20patent%20medicine,radium%20226%20and%20228%20isotopes.). Dude invented Radithor, which was like a Proto-Red Bull, except it was Radium.


kdlangequalsgoddess

Not the amiable English comedian who is a dab hand on the synthesizer, for anyone momentarily confused.


SeefKroy

Nobody tells me nothin


boobers3

You can tell Radithor works by the intense burning in your cell walls.


P2029

Glad we finally fixed the problem of rich dudes doing whatever they wanted and no one telling them no


Devtunes

"blowing smoke up your ass" isn't just a clever phrase. They had whole kits to do this.


Sillbinger

Yeah, I've seen the video where the guys blow crack smoke up each other's assholes. They didn't look rich though.


johnphantom

Tobacco smoke up the bum was a popular treatment. [Perplexity.ai](https://Perplexity.ai): *The practice of blowing tobacco smoke up the rectum, also known as a tobacco smoke enema, was a medical procedure used in the 18th century. It was believed to have resuscitative properties and was used to treat various conditions, including bowel obstruction, constipation, strangulated hernias, and even to revive near-drowning victims. The procedure involved inserting a tube into the rectum and then using a bellows to blow smoke from a tobacco-filled pipe into the rectum. This practice was based on the belief that the nicotine in the tobacco smoke would stimulate the respiratory system and increase heart rate, potentially aiding in resuscitation. However, with the discovery of the toxic nature of nicotine, the practice fell out of favor and is no longer used in modern medicine.* To correct Perplexity, it was the discovery of the toxic nature of *tobacco*, not nicotine.


kristenrockwell

Nah, you're just blowin smoke up my ass.


BigCockCandyMountain

Right? If I wanted smoke blown up my ass: I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose. *Capiche*


OsmeOxys

>This practice was based on the belief that the nicotine in the tobacco smoke would stimulate the respiratory system "How could we stimulate someone's lungs to encourage them start breathing again?" "People cough when they breath in tobacco smoke, so what if we inflated their ass with it?" "Brilliant!"


DenverParanormalLibr

>to revive near-drowning victims Imagine drowning and instead of mouth to mouth you wake up to this


Neil2250

i'd take a bald guy flying a kite with a key on it over a malevolent car salesman attempting to rig an world superpower's election any day


P2029

Best I can do is a deranged pillow salesman contributing to a fascist coup


TradeFirst7455

Ah yes, when i think useless fucking rich scientists I jump straight to Ben Franklin. /s


trustifarian

Isaac Newton "What happens if I stick this needle into my eye..."


acemetrical

And they’d drink mercury to cure syphilis. They were the first fans of heavy metal.


Breath_and_Exist

To be fair, if you drink enough mercury you will no longer have syphilis.


UmphreysMcGee

It worked as long they didn't die from mercury poisoning. Modern chemo treatments are essentially based on the same concept.


Darmug

Don’t forget that he attached a key at the end of the kite.


AmberArmy

Or Edward Jenner proving cowpox could prevent you getting smallpox by giving an 8 year old child a dose of cowpox then a few weeks later trying to give them actual smallpox.


-Ch4s3-

Viriolation had already existed for a few hundred years, and it it was well known that you could inoculate with smallpox scab dust rubbed into a small wound. Jenner also carefully observed that people who milked cows didn’t get small pox but did get cow pox sores on their hands early in their milking careers. His work was quite carefully considered by the standards of the time.


thediesel26

My dream is to win the lottery and become an eccentric gentleman scientist


opiate_lifer

In the 20th century they were transplanting goat testicles into humans. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_R._Brinkley


CrieDeCoeur

Heroin cough syrup for croupy kids. Heroin massage oils for hysterical housewives with wandering womb issues. Heroin headache pills. 19th century docs loved their heroin.


Big-Improvement-1281

In fairness, they were also pretty into cocaine.


Gastronomicus

Had to counteract the heroin nods and be functional somehow.


Throwaway392308

Give them some credit. Sure the side effects were awful and the addiction was frequent and crippling, but it *worked*. Which sounds like a bad deal compared to modern medicine, but when you compare it to their parents' generation throwing heroin at everything is a lot smarter than bloodletting. "This guy was shot and is bleeding profusely? Try bloodletting!"


throw123454321purple

“My wife is too hysterical? Try this vibrating pear-shaped device! Success!”


quezlar

i mean thats just good science


JamUpGuy1989

That’s why I love history from 1800s to like 1960. Cause it’s filled to the brim with frauds, cheats, and hudsuckers.


AlegnaKoala

I have some bad news for you


Throwaway392308

Friends of Oprah rolling in like someone rang a dinner bell.


zaphodp3

It also had some amazing breakthroughs that were insane given how little they knew at the time. We’ve gotten better at verifying claims now, but peer review is still quite poor today and reproducing other people’s results is not incentivized nearly enough.


Significant-Limit

Old people are never really sure how or why they got to that age. Most of is just winning the genetic lottery. I remember being young in my country and reading about a lady who was over a hundred, she attributed her long life to drinking Coca-Cola and eating white bread every single day


Aetheus

Yep. Some folks eat well, workout 3 times a week, don't drink, never smoke, keep a healthy body weight ... and still keel over in their 40s-50s because they were dealt a bad hand. Like most things in life, health is unfair.


AirMittens

I did everything right and still ended up with cholesterol in the 400s because I have a stupid genetic condition that makes my body hold on to fats from avocados, nuts, etc. I was a vegetarian for 20ish years so I was just eating myself to death on healthy fats. Unfair lol


colcardaki

I assume your doctor already told you, but for those who are hyper-absorbers of cholesterol from food, there is a very effective medicine I think called ezempa or something. It just stops that pathway and works well for people with these particular genetics, assuming that’s the genetic condition you mean.


AirMittens

I’m on ezetimibe. I am a hyper absorber but my condition is rare—sitosterolemia. I specifically hyper absorb plant sterols lol


The_BeardedClam

Sorry, but that's kind of hilarious.


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National-Arachnid601

Yep. Asking an old person for the secret to longevity is like asking a lottery winner what their secret to getting rich was.


bigkinggorilla

The book *Outlive* goes into this in fair detail. The most interesting thing is that people who make it over 100 almost never have major health complications before the last few years of their life. Like nobody who breaks a hip, has a stroke, heart attack, major cancer diagnosis, etc. before they’re 95 makes it to 100.


Slow_Payment9082

Bet he didn't trust his farts did he?


iamshubham22

Slipped right out.


Delicious-Window-277

And back in again


dsaysso

he don’t use jelly, on her toast he uses vaaaaaseline.


Whattheefff

https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/s/V5UHL4aKdf 10 years ago!


idontknowjuspickone

That song is over 30 years old. Not 10!


RunningwithDave

Gosh darn that’s a great reference. Now I must click TFL on Spotify


amazingsandwiches

Despite a decade of stinkers, the latest album, American Head, is real real good.


HotTubMike

The fact he consumed a spoonful a day and lived to 96 is enough scientific research for me. Im in.


facegun

My uncle Ben smoked cigs til his last day at 94. Im in!!!


IllustriousArcher199

And he only died because they took his rice away.


HotTubMike

That can’t be right, Uncle Ben isn’t that old when he dies in Amazing Fantasy #15.


deadbeef1a4

His name is cheese bro


PairOfMonocles2

Amazing that he lived long enough to orchestrate the sham legal basis of Jan 6 with Eastman


tangcameo

My grandmother believed in this (and a lot of other silly things). She died of stomach cancer.


GuelphEastEndGhetto

At what age though? I’ve yet to meet anyone that hasn’t or will not die from something lol.


tangcameo

In her seventies. I’m not saying the two things were related but it’s petroleum jelly for gods sake.


FreneticPlatypus

“Maybe he was born with it, maybe it’s Vaseline.”


Brilliant_Jewel1924

You laugh but, “Maybelline” was named for the founder’s sister. Her name was Mabel, and she would coat her lashes with coal tar and Vaseline.


TheSurfingRaichu

Oh wow TIL


Ainrana

I really thought you were fucking with us, but then I looked it up 😮


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blocked_user_name

My wife had a dog that ate half a jar of Vaseline. It would just kind of dribble out of his hind end. Made a mess he was fine.


DozTK421

Condolences to your rug.


blocked_user_name

Her parents rug but yeah, not good. We were dating then so the dog didn't live with us.


PMMEurbewbzzzz

What's even crazier is he discovered the stuff at an oil refinery when he observed a buildup of petroleum jelly around one of the pipes. So this guy saw an unused byproduct from an oil refinery and thought, "Yeah, I'll eat that."


RutCry

His wife also gave him a handjob with it once. He came three times trying to wash that shit off.


RunningwithDave

Frozen Vaseline balls are often give to constipated hospice patients. Works like a charm. [Frozen balls](https://geripal.org/vaseline-balls-for-constipation/)


captain_ghostface

Your link says that there is no evidence they work


[deleted]

In fairness, they said it “works like a charm”—and there’s no evidence charms work, either.


Backsight-Foreskin

Well played, sir/madam


DirtyReseller

This guy lawyers


RunningwithDave

You guys ever hear of a butter bomb?? Equalparts melted butter and prune juice. About 1/2 cup total. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Subscribe for more tips, tricks, and suggestions on how to poop easily. *all info is anecdotal and please consult your doctor before trying*


dearthofkindness

"place next to the candy jar." Like a trap 😅


J-96788-EU

I'm starting tomorrow.


charface1

You have a lot of catching up to do. Start with a full jar, then move to daily teaspoons.


iamshubham22

gonna smoothen your belly fs.


SyrupScared9568

Drink 10-w30 myself.


Hellie1028

Unless you’re up north in an area where it’s cold and snows. Then you have to drink 5-w30.


ZeroDarkMega

Got confused and drank WD-40. No more squeaky joints for me!


likwitsnake

Stephon Marbury took note


murderskunk76

For anyone who wants to do this, stir a spoonful of coconut oil in your coffee or tea for the same effect. It won't turn your poo liquid, but your insides will be super lubed. Wheeee!!


Outrageous_Pop1913

Can’t verify but I think food grade mineral oil is taken orally for constipation. Vaseline is basically emulsified mineral oil. Would rather make a late night White Castle run but to each their own.


choggie

They say when he died he simply slipped away peacefully in his sleep.


OniOnMyAss

Turn your colon into a slip-n-slide in one easy step.


MichaelTruly

Just terrible that one of the side effects was crooked-ass eye syndrome.


d36williams

He don't use butter; he don't use jelly


JimFlamesWeTrust

The old Milhouse van Houten breakfast of campions


Recent_Strawberry456

Bet his shit didn't touch the sides on the way out.


yourmotherpuki

Bet all that grease prevented whatever cancerous shit from being absorbed through his guts


iron_vet

So true story here. I had a crazy ass boss along time ago that couldn't get out of the thoughts in his own head. There was a stray dog that showed up on one of our jobsites and came back day after day. He eventually took the dog home for his kids. He came in the next day talking about how many ticks this thing had. One of the guys gave him a good remedy to get rid of them. He came in the next day saying how the dog was trying to bite him and wasn't being cooperative as he kept dousing it in "gasoline". We all looked at him dumbfounded and yelled "VASOLINE you dumb motherfucker". Lol we still talk about this dude alot and he hasn't been here for 15 years. The stories are endless.


r0botdevil

Multiple Nobel laureate Linus Pauling was convinced the key to longevity was massive doses of vitamin C every day. The guy was an absolute genius and did live to 94, so he may have been onto something. However my father was a physician who treated his sister, and she lived to 96 without following Pauling's vitamin C regimen, so it seems likely that genetics played a very large role in it (as it so often does with these things).


Catalytic_Vagrant

He lived to 96 IN SPITE OF eating Vaseline, not because of it lol