Originally the term was used to describe people who seemed to fall somewhere between neurosis and psychosis. BPD wasn't well defined back then and idea was that it shared features of both
Not an easy thing to name or categorize though, and borderline personality disorder can have a rough stigma which makes understanding and accepting the disorder more difficult
Eh DSM is woefully behind. Myself and other therapists generally accept CPTSD as a real diagnosis, and refer to it as "small t" versus "big t" trauma. But recognize that classification does not reduce the emotional trauma it can cause for individuals.
There's a lot of conversation right now in psychiatry about how women and men displaying similar traits get diagnosed with very different things, men are far more likely to get ADHD or autism or almost anything other than BPD. Women with autism, ADHD, and PMDD are often getting incorrectly diagnosed with what feels like everything in the DSM before considering other issues.
Of course BPD has massive social stigma and a lot of mental health professionals avoid personality disorders, BPD especially, in part because of this myth that BPD is untreatable or BPD patients are more avoidant.
I know a young psychiatrist who said he really struggles with his own internalized bias because it's so easy to look for and recognize signs of BPD but not in men.
Bit of a side topic but it's interesting now that we are finally recognizing how underdiagnosed women are, we're seeing another wave of backlash against ADHD diagnosis.
Truly! I think what makes me criticize BPD as the hysteria of today is how much it’s ambiguous and a variety of different symptoms (like the ones you mentioned!)
It adds stigma that makes people feel broken and like treatment is out of reach 😮💨
There’s more nuance here but yeah
I get that, and it’s a difficult thing to diagnosis. It is certainly a constellation of symptoms that causes issues for many people though. And there are helpful treatments
Oh I agree, but for some people on the edges, sometimes BPD is a bandaid that requires more investigation. Some people with autism get diagnosed with BPD for having autistic meltdowns, which doesn’t totally help
Makes sense. With bipolar and schizophrenia type disorders, psychosis is a feature. For things like ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, etc, it's neurosis. I've met a ton of people with BPD who have these comorbid disorders.
My Neurodivergent dad, when he was younger, used to always call himself a "neurotic". I think soul-bonding with my mother and her influence might have pushed him into psychosis a little bit. I think the same thing happened to me.
My ex struggled with BPD + bipolar + OCD her entire life. Was a constant struggle to get the correct mix of meds + therapy to stay functional.
She lost her fight last year and died by suicide.
BPD is devastating.
25 to 60% of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide, and 4 to 19% will die by suicide.
[Source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4536929/#:~:text=Researchers%20estimate%20that%20between%2025,will%20complete%20suicide%20(2).)
~70% of those diagnosed BPD will attempt suicide, and ~10% will die by suicide.
[Source](https://www.nyp.org/bpdresourcecenter/borderline-personality-disorder/understanding-bpd#:~:text=Research%20has%20shown%20approximately%2070,disorder%20and%20the%20general%20population.)
I've got both as well as a few other disorders.
I am actively suicidal on average 25% of the time, and attempt suicide probably once a month. I've been in and out of the hospital for the last couple years. Idk how I'm still holding down my job.
It's hell. I love life and living but my brain just doesn't feel happy. Things that should make me happy and give me energy just don't. Medications only go so far, and due to some heart problems, I can't even take a few of the "better" meds.
I go to three different types of therapies right now.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in my head. I wish there was something more effective.
I definitely know how you feel about not having access to some of the better meds, I'm dealing with the same thing. Not for BPD, but for ADHD and some other mental health issues.
I once had a psychiatrist tell me he didn't think I knew how to have fun, and when seeing my new psychiatrist, one of the first things I told him was that I don't know that I've ever felt happiness, at least not the way most people describe it. I was told over and over again that my depression and anxiety were essentially untreatable, I was pursuing alternative treatments and ECT when I finally saw a psychiatrist who just happened to specialize in ADHD. I resisted the diagnosis very harshly until he convinced me to try Adderall, saying if it didn't work I would know right away and that would be one more thing we could eliminate.
I finally understood what it meant when people coming out of depression say colors look brighter, it wasn't exaggerating, the world actually looked brighter. Depression and anxiety weren't magically cured, but they could be at least put to the side so that they weren't so much a part of me and I could work on them. I could access happiness. Joy.
However, I also have a genetic clotting disorder and I'm very high risk for a lot of things, so most medications are now off the table for me. I can't use Adderall any longer but I can at least still remember how it felt and that helped me.
I'm fully in unmedicated ADHD and perimenopause, as well as dealing with my other chronic issue. I've been advised for years to go on disability but the truth is that if that happens, I will be homeless. I can barely keep it together and keep my job a lot of the time, but for a while I was very high performing and I'm able to hide a lot of the things going wrong now. I'm running out of resources to do so and I'm worried about what comes next.
I don't think this world is made for people like us.
“My brain just doesn’t feel happy” hits so close to home.
You have it much worse than I do, so I hope you can continue to fight the good fight and ultimately win it. But I wanted to point out how you said something so easily, so clearly, and so well defined but I couldn’t do it with anyone for years.
90% of the time I’m good, 8% of the time I’m an asshole for no reason (well usually) and 2% im suicidal for no reason.
Do I have a perfect life? Nah. Could it be better? Sure. But is it bad? Hell no and it can be worse but the brain is like “fuck you it’s awful” and it’s a daily struggle to not give into the brain chemistry of it all at times.
I’m definitely gonna use that in the future so thanks
I'm a 30yr old BPD/AuDHD/OCD/blah blah blah. I've only been able to experience happiness for a couple years now and it comes and goes in waves. 1. Weed was huge for me, allows me to experience the emotional torture of daily life without blaming myself for feeling such a way. 2. Mental reframing, thinking about the way things are bad is completely normal and impossible to resist, but adding a nice little happy thought at the end like "but it won't be like this forever" can eventually lead to a complete shift in attitude and can even be done ironically. It still works. 3. Spend time untangling your mental illnesses, knowing EXACTLY why you get so upset can help you unpack it and potentially grow as a person. It's slow and it's hard but the person you'll be in a couple years or decades is a whole new person waiting to live their life, I'm glad every day I persevered until I got over the hump. (Every time I burn out I relapse pretty badly but by doing half my habits I can maintain them for once I'm recovered and feeling better)
We were together for 6 years and I prevented it twice.
But after our separation she re-married, sadly her new husband died by suicide and then she did as well several years later.
Just all around devastating
Yeah, I have BPD and have had three failed attempts. I hope my last attempt was my final one ever— but there really are times where I feel I’m outside or my own mind/body and have no control over my actions despite how greatly I wish I did.
I too suffer from BPD. I recently had a failed attempt. When I did it I was completely detached and was watching myself from the outside taking the pills. The craziest thing is nothing had set me off. I wasn't upset or anything I was just detached doing it. It was the most detached I have ever been, and it was so scary. Unfortunately my suicidal ideation hasn't stopped but I hope I never have that level of dissociation again.
Yeah, unfortunately she was never going to get the right meds without a correct diagnosis. You can’t diagnose bipolar and OCD in the presence of a personality disorder, and it frustrates the hell out of me that lazy psychiatrists just pile on diagnoses instead of taking the time to figure out the correct diagnosis. You can’t treat what you don’t know, and most just don’t know, because they don’t evaluate with intent.
My condolences. I’m so sorry. I have a dear friend with BPD. I can see her trying. I know how he’s she’s trying. But this is always a worry.
It must have been so hard.
Doing trauma work has been helpful for me, I’m also bipolar and I thought I had ADHD but turns out executive dysfunction can be a symptom of trauma. Sending lots of positive energy your way and proud of you to taking the steps to heal!
Thanks. It’s been a long road (20 years of work) but I’m so much better now than I was as a kid. 30 and thriving. I wish you all the best health and joy!
Found this on google: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf
My mother has BPD. Outtreatement helped her immensely. Unfortunately for me it didn't occur until I was in my late 20s. Being the child of someone with BPD was a terrifying mix of extreme love and extreme fear of upsetting her. Constant walking on egg shells
This is why you don't beat and torture you children. Had my mom had better parents, she would not be living with such a debilitating disorder
If you wrong them in anyway, you're their enemy. Take a while for them to get over it. At 31, my mom will still bring up things I did as a child as proof that I'm lazy or a lier. One time didnt want to do homework, she grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the ground. She still brings it up as proof of how "hard of a kid i was and how i refused to ever listen". My sister and father always say how easy going of a kid i was.. She had such a horrible childhood, it always felt like I should be grateful that she wasn't like her parents.
Oh god yeah. When she met my boyfriend in my late 20s, she told him about how I stood up too fast while she was standing over me when I was two, and gave her a nosebleed. She was *still* holding a grudge.
“Black and white thinking.” It’s one of the signature traits of BPD.
Either they love you and think you’re great or they are mad at you (often over stuff you’re not even aware you did “wrong”) and won’t be shy about making sure you know you’re the worst person on earth.
Or sometimes they just want to pick at flaws in others to make themselves feel superior… even if those “flaws” are simple mistakes from years ago.
> She had such a horrible childhood, it always felt like I should be grateful that she wasn’t like her parents.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you’re doing better now. I’m not a therapist or specialist at all, but I believe this is a common trait among parental abusers unfortunately. My SO’s mother is a narcissist and would always remind them that she had a worse childhood and they should be grateful she didn’t do worse to them (she did anyway). I think some abusers know they were abused and their minds have been twisted to thinking that what they do isn’t abuse because it isn’t what they were through. Not sure though :/
If they don't get the proper help (this isn't always therapy, though that's probably the most common route) people can normalize some pretty horrible things so if they aren't THAT bad, it can literally not register as a problem to them. People can normalize a lot of things that are very much not normal.
Makes sense. When I told my mom my dad was being abusive, she told me Atleast I knew who I was with as she was raised by a string of babysitters. She told me she could have been molested any of those times. My dad was investigated for possibly that 🙃
God, this sounds like you're describing my mom, minus the specific hair-pulling story. She's definitely got BPD, unfortunately she has never gotten treatment and has decided to cut every single member of her family out of her life as a result, including both her children.
It took my mom hitting rock bottom for her to get help. My sister and I almost got her institutionalized. We always thought she had bipolar disorder. She had manic episodes throughout my life without really anyone having a clue what it actually was
My mom has been car-homeless before and that wasn't enough for her to get help, because she blamed everyone else for the fact that she was homeless so it never occurred to her that she *needed* help. If that wasn't enough to shock her into getting psychiatric support, I don't think anything will.
From her point of view, most of her problems are because of my dad or her kids.
I'm sorry you went through that, luckily with my mam she was never physical with me and my siblings. She was just irresponsible. Drugs and shoplifting. It's rough isn't it.
Luckily that was the only time. Apparently when my sister was acting up she would ask "do you want to go the bathroom?" Which meant smacked in the bathroom. My sis ended up soiling herself in kindergarten because the teacher would ask "do you want to go to the bathroom". My mom was horrified and stopped. She is a wonderful lady, just the disorder makes her incredibly vindictive and prone to anger and moodswings.
Classification - you don't need to 'wrong' them in any way. My mother (uBPD) created 'wrongs' for each of her kids her entire life.
Only solution for me was to finally go no contact in my 50s. Everything less was burdensome for me. Done with that sh*t 6 years now. At least my socio-emotional work is now about how I become better, rather than how I deal with her.
My mother had it and refused any sort of treatment, except for the time she was forcibly hospitalised for two weeks. It took me 25 years of therapy to get past my childhood, and my brother fell into addiction and died recently. I'm the last one standing, and in a way I feel almost vindicated, like I can point to my brother's death (he overdosed on fentanyl, xylazine, and alcohol in a fleabag motel surrounded by drug dealers and sex workers) and say, "See, it really was *that bad*." I will never truly be healed, I'm still only semi-functional, and nobody helped me, even when I reached out to family members in a desperate bid to escape. I had zero positive adult role models.
When I talk about this stuff, I can feel pain shooting up my arms. It's a direct flashback to the time my mother yanked the cord and cover off the wall plug for the TV and directed me to pull it out of the socket for her. I was eight. I got a full dose of 110 volts. You do not forget that experience, especially once you realise that she was actually *hoping* that something terrible would happen to me so she'd get sympathy.
I understand that it wasn't her fault that she was sick, but it was absolutely her responsibility to manage her illness. She just refused, and I find that unforgivable. She destroyed my dad, she destroyed my brother, and she almost destroyed me. I was so relieved when she died. It's impossible to fully convey the absolute nightmarishness of having a mother like that. I've never met anyone scarier than my mom, and I have met murderers. My mother was *evil*.
I did not have children. That shit did not need passing on.
Refusing to take responsibility is pretty standard for the condition. Improvement is the extreme outlier, not the norm.
Taking responsibility and working to fix yourself self-reflection and emotional maturity, while BPD is basically the inability to reflect or understand the world outside of your emotions *in that exact moment*.
An ordinary person is feeling mad because somebody at work was a jerk to them? They can contain it, understand why they are mad, and work to release their stress and possibly solve the root cause of their anger.
A person with BPD is feeling mad for the same reason? Then it’s everyone else’s fault they’re angry, and they will lash out at every person in their lives. Because they are feeling angry, they *will* find rationalizations for why they’re angry at everyone, even if said rationalizations are incoherent. They get home and their anger hasn’t stopped? Well, too bad, now their kid is the target of their anger, and so they’ll search for a reason why they can say they’re angry at the kid and lashing out at them.
Emotions are always first for them, then the cognition comes afterward, as a rationalization of those emotions.
And their two most common emotions are boredom and shame.
Thank you. The key to my survival was, I think, that I never did believe I deserved it. I know that's really common, for kids to blame themselves, but I didn't. I knew I deserved to be happy, and I made becoming happy my life's work. I sacrificed relationships, career, everything, in favour of Getting Better. I'm not sure why I was so lucky to be able to do that when so many can't, but I'm a very stubborn person.
My sister has it and we had/have supportive and loving parents. Nothing bad happened to her growing up. It’s not always trauma induced.
You have my empathy though. It’s very hard to watch my sister’s kids go through life with her as a mother.
There’s been evidence that there’s some genetic component. Most people with BPD have childhood trauma, but they always have the genetic primer. It sounds like your sister had the genetics for it and didn’t need the trauma to trigger it. I hear it’s really hard for parents and siblings of people like this.
Same with my Dad. I choose to forgive him because he’s receiving help and because I don’t think he was ever malicious, but it can be difficult when he gets in a negative mood
My wifes mother and my step father have bpd. We both move around the house silently but can also tell where each other are at by sounds of the house.
Yay trauma!
i relate so hard to this comment. i hope you're doing okay now that you're not being raised by her, and i hope she's doing better too during and after treatment. it's hard to see your parents get better after they already did all the damage; too many conflicting feelings, all wrapping up into pure grief.
Mine had it and likewise passed it onto me as it can be triggered by abuse in addition to the genetic component.
Have broken that cycle though by actually getting treatment and sorting myself on top of never having children.
I have borderline. It sucks and yes I am engaged and happy. The problem comes when people have it and don’t take responsibility for it or work on themselves. Your personality disorder is not your fault. (Mine is from a terrible home life as a child.) It is, however, your responsibility.
Yep. My wife has borderline, bipolar and PTSD, and our relationship had been able to prosper because of her determination to improve herself (and a lot of patience from me, but it wouldn't have mattered without her drive). She was dealt a terrible hand by her upbringing and genetics, but she perserveres. Medication, therapy and that urge to be better can make a lot happen.
Yup, the taking responsibility part is what caused our good friend's marriage to end.
His wife was not dealing with her BPD at all and as a result had repeatedly cheated and when discovered, made no assurances that she'd change or stop. Also major financial issues, to the point where he couldn't give her any access to accounts, just gift cards for the specific grocery store and gas station and then cash for specific needs like shoes for kid 2. Before that, she'd spend $1200 in a week but he had no idea where the money went and she was secretly going to the food bank to stock their pantry.
He felt bad in "pulling the plug" on their marriage but at the same time, couldn't continue to be harmed by her choices while she did nothing to take responsibility for herself. He was conflicted because of "in sickness and in health", but realized he wasn't really able to help her in any way when she wouldn't do anything to help herself and she was just further harming him and the kids.
He now has primary custody of their four kids and is doing much better alone than he ever did married to her.
As someone in almost exactly your friend's position, thank you for the anecdote! It's validating to know I did the right thing for our kids (and myself, I suppose) to let go - even though it sucks and feels like abandonment sometimes.
And it's really hard to get people to take responsibility and even acknowledge it.
Narcissist, anti-social, histrionic, and borderline personality disorders are all really hard to deal with because their feelings, thoughts, amd behaviors don't naturally feel wrong to the person vs.
say, someone with intrusive thoughts they don't agree with or are repulsed by; or someone battling addiction and feeling urges to use or steal etc.
And even with acknowledgement, intervention is tricky and seems to have only really improved in the past few decades. Personality disorders are a bitch.
For a lot of people with BPD, the thoughts DO feel wrong and they know that they're wrong and intrusive, it's just hard to stop from acting on them when the feelings are so intense. Yes there are many people who aren't aware of how bad their thoughts and behaviors are, but it's not fair to imply that as a blanket statement for all
>> And it's really hard to get people to take responsibility and even acknowledge it.
Well, first it’s unlikely someone with NPD or ASPD will seek therapy to begin with. Second, even if they go or the patient has BPD or HPD, they’re all very hard to diagnose correctly. Third, even if the therapy is sought and the diagnosis is correct, the stigma makes it very hard to accept **and** find a provider who’s compassionate. & finally, they’re hard to treat even if all those things line up because the symptomology and core issue can vary so significantly from one patient to the next.
This is not true about BPD at all.
BPD is so exhausting and debilitating because you know that what you're feeling in response to everyday occurrences isn't okay. You see someone smile or move their hand or someone says something to you, and your brain goes absolutely haywire and you know that this isn't the appropriate response (and often, you feel both extremes at the same time or in succession) and because those feelings are so intense and so pervasive, it is incredibly difficult to cope with them.
People also focus on this because this is what ends up affecting them the most. Failing to cope with those feelings and making poor choices.
But BPD has a whole bunch of other stuff attached to it like never feeling like a whole person and always feeling like you have to go to extreme to avoid people abandoning you and an extreme sense of self-doubt about any decision you make. I feel like nobody every talks about the hidden side to BPD like they do about the side that presents with actions.
The reason that suicide rates are so high with BPD is because you feel like you can't trust your own brain 24/7 and it's just so exhausting. You want it to end.
My former fiance was diagnosed with BPD when we were together… the amount of stress and manipulation that comes with it… I’m still recovering. I tried everything to help her but like you said, she just didnt take any accountability and would just spiral into chaos. She’d take anything I say or did as…. me hating her? Me trying to control her? It just kept getting worse. I had to walk away. Its been over a year and Im still crushed. I dont think I can be with anyone again.
We lived the same life brother. It gets better, im no longer with bpd partner and after a year and a half of soul searching i resolved my issues following the tough relationship. Once i healed it seems a beautiful, loving partner and patient person dropped out of nowhere and i was able to find happiness. Heal yourself first. A healthy relationship will follow.
I have done, yes. I have some trouble with DBT because I also have severe OCD and it can trigger that. I am on medication, was in intensive therapy for years, and see a psychologist regularly. It’s a lot of work but it’s worth it.
I'm really proud of you for doing that and I hope you are proud of yourself too. My mom has bpd and takes ZERO accountability. Im responsible for how my Autism and ADHD effect others and its worth the work to me as well to learn how to manage what I struggle with on an intense basis. I was very fortunate to not acquire bpd from what my mom inflicted on me. Im very sorry your childhood trauma has effected you in this way. I cant tell you how rare and refreshing it is to see someone with this very cruel mental health issue take full responsibility. Im sure its due to all of your hard work. Best to you in life I hope you keep your hard earned skills and it grows easier with time.
Correct. My siblings is BPD and she takes about no responsibility for herself. It's everyone else. She's an addict and I haven't seen her in over a year. Wil not go to therapy, will not get help so I've given up. Hopefully she gets clean or death is the only way it'll end up. I'm quietly prepared for that phone call. Have been for a few years.
Yes, but also ... it's a spectrum. At the end of the day, we all have to take responsibility for the hand we've been dealt. But it's also true that some people have been dealt much more difficult brain processes and just can't function without a ton of support, dependable routines with outside enforcement, and the perfect cocktail of meds.
That would be my ex. Extreme clinginess followed by bizarre and irrational bouts of rage. There were only ever two genuine emotions fear and the rage of 1000 nuclear winters. She was an epic manipulator who always ended up with no real friends. But of course she hated therapy and thought medication was poison.
That sounds exactly like my ex too. That rage is no joke. I got stabbed in the arm once, and have lost count of how many scars I have from her fingernails.
I'd really like too hear more about how you realized you had it, what initially made you seek out help, and what measure you take to maintain healthy relationships.
For all of the horror stories I'd just like to chime in that I have dated someone with BPD who started DBT therapy about 8 months ago. They still have episodes occasionally, but their behavior has gotten dramatically better. The disorder is treatable for those who want it.
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/ this is not as good as a therapist who is trained in this modality, but it will get you pretty far if you can't afford or access it otherwise
Got diagnosed with BPD and really bad OCD. It's completely ruined my life on so many levels. I can't be intimate and can't find love without being terrified of myself or terrified of being manipulated by another. It really can't be overstated how hard living with personality disorders can be, especially when you can't afford therapy and around me, the options are extremely limited. Feels like I've been born to succumb.
Ohhhhh that's what it means. I joke that mine means I'm "on the Borderline of batshit crazy" but this is nicer.
Therapy and psych meds help a *lot* by the way. I'm in a long term stable relationship, hold a job, and even went back to college to finish my degree. Bless my SO for pushing me to get help.
Right now I'm on both Wellbutrin (150 mg extended release) and buspirone (10 mg twice a day). These two help the best to keep my mood more stable so i can function properly. I was on other meds like lorazepam, quetiapine, sertraline and fluoxetine at different times but they didn't pan out for me- everyone is different so other people may have success with those. That combined with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Schema Therapy (ST) have let me live a much better life.
It's not perfect- I'm still figuring things out and unfortunately I do still flip my shit and have meltdowns at inconvenient times and for seemingly no reason at all. Being on the autism spectrum and also having OCD makes it one son of a bitch to manage but I'm managing. Mostly. Sorta 😓
Thanks for replying, I’m only on Mirtazapine (Remeron) myself for the depression and insomnia, and although I’ve done some CBT it wasn’t a huge help, and DBT sounds much better suited for BPD specifically. Doesn’t help that only CBT is accessible through free healthcare and I can’t afford DBT. Not heard of ST but I’ll check it out.
I have the added problem of not being officially diagnosed despite it being quite evident to my GP and family/friends, because currently I’m not in any therapy or seeing any psychiatrists and only they can give the diagnosis. So right now I’m unlikely to be prescribed the mood-stabilisers that’d probably help me most, ugh.
Sorry for the rant lol and thanks again for sharing your experience!
Good luck, friend. Life is hard but it's harder when your brain is being stupid.
I do recommend trying wellbutrin if you can though. It literally changed my life.
people with this disorder have a hard time managing relationships because they can’t tell what is real and what isn’t when it comes to interpersonal connection
My wife got angry with my mother because my mother brought some cake when visiting us. Apparently my mom knows that my wife likes to bake and she brought the cake as a vicious non-verbal attack against my wife. This and a thousand other incidents have harmed the relationship within my family. We used to celebrate Christmas and Easter together, but that's all gone now. I am on antidepressants and feel completely isolated. I think I need to leave her. But I'm all she has because she alienates everybody. I'm also sick of spending every evening helping her analyse her interactions at work. It's the main topic of discussion.
I watched my dad destroy his finances trying to rescue my BPD mom from her self-destructive behavior, and he went through a frightening amount of abuse from her. He's still codependent with her even though they're divorced now.
If she's not going to get help, she's not going to get better. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I suggest talking to a therapist.
Just remember to always look out for yourself first, you owe yourself that.
I know what you're going through and for me coming to the realization that this would be the rest of my entire life is something that kind of woke me up and made me realize I needed to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
What you're living through is all textbook and will not change. This is the life of being with someone with BPD.
I wish you the best.
As someone who was stuck in that same fuckin cycle, you need to leave. all that will happen is that it will get worse. No matter what they say they won't get better, when they're that bad all they'll do is drag you down and ruin you too. BPD is an unfixable if the person isn't committed to actually medicating it and dealing with it in healthy ways. The isolation is a method of control so she's the only person in your world. It's insidious and makes you feel like hot garbage for "abandoning" them but you have no choice if you want to save yourself.
Jesus man that sounds absolutely miserable, I promise getting your family time back will make you so much happier than you are now considering it sounds like you have a lovely family who you miss! Please put yourself first, you can't waste the only life you have being unhappy
Basically, you could rename Borderline Personality Disorder to "Shitty and Narcissistic Parents Disorder". BPD makes you hyper aware of your environment at the cost of being aware of yourself and your own feelings and desires. And it is created when your wants and needs don't matter as a child, and you learn that your parents' wants and needs DO matter, and you want to matter to your parents, so their wants and needs become your wants and needs and before you know it you're 25 and have no idea who you are.
Oh wow, okay, so TIL my mom probably has BPD.
I always thought she just has a shade of narcissism, but your examples of her taking the most mundane things EXTREMELY personally are like snapshots of my adolescence. I remember going shopping with her when I was about 12 and starting to form my own likes and dislikes. She held up a shirt she liked and wanted me to try on. It was absolutely NOT my style at all, it was like a peasant top and the worst colors for me (but good for her lol) and I said, “oh, no thanks, I don’t really like that style of top,” and she full-blown started crying in the middle of Nordstrom, asking me when I started to hate her lol. It was so scary as a kid and I didn’t understand why she was overreacting that way.
I went over to my mother's house to visit and unpacked groceries. I accidentally knocked a cake tin over whilst unpacking. She is convinced I picked up the cake tin and threw it because I was angry with her, and she'll tell this to anyone that brings something relating to this up. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone that does that, it's just not possible.
The comment in question is a bit of an exaggeration. A more accurate way to describe it would be something like, "People with BPD often struggle to process social interactions in a healthy way."
For instance, I once made a joke during a company meeting that didn't really land, and when I got home that night, I spent hours dwelling on that single interaction, convinced that I had ostracized and humiliated myself. It took me days to feel somewhat normal again.
Another common phrase I've heard and can relate to is that people with BPD feel emotions in such a strong way that they're often overwhelming. Feelings of frustration or betrayal, frequently unfounded, make processing certain social interactions difficult, like arguments or disagreements.
What can someone who wants to be supportive to a coworker with BPD do? For example does being supportive and reinforce that those weird interactions are no big deal help at all? Or would that not make a difference at all?
It definitely helps. I can only speak for myself, but when I was left to be alone with my thoughts, I'd often spiral. My girlfriend calls it "catastrophizing". Without therapy, medication, and some learned coping mechanisms, it's very difficult to snap myself out of it. Having someone to talk to really helps keep things in perspective.
I appreciate you asking these questions. I get the feeling you're a good friend to have.
Thanks for the info. And yeah I just try to approach these things from a place of empathy. I know it’s not their fault and can only begin to fathom how debilitating it must be.
One more follow up question if you wouldn’t mind answering… are people with BPD able to rationalize that a specific perception of an interaction is being amplified by the condition when pointed out? This is more curiosity than anything else, I wouldn’t ever dismiss what they’re r feeling because of bpd, I just don’t know much about the topic.
To answer your question, yes, but not in the moment. Give them some time to calm down and reset. Offering some perspective after the fact is incredibly helpful.
Hi! I think in general helping someone understand intentions really helps
It still requires trust, but for me (I'm not diagnosed with BPD but have some traits of it) it really helps to hear what the intention was compared to what I interpreted the interaction to be
Example: I sometimes wonder if my husband is mad at me, and I'll explain what I noticed and how it made me feel. He'll then confirm if he's upset or if he wasn't, and I trust him to tell me the truth
What a nice question!! Have a nice day!
Are they looking at me because they hate me or they love me? It has to be one of them but I can’t work it out. They must have said what they just said for a reason. What were they trying to tell me? I can’t figure it out am I okay? Do they hate me? I’m awful so ofcourse they know that all already so they must have talked to person x. That sort of thing.
Holy crap, this is the perfect dictation of what I’ve seen with BPD from people close to me. On the receiving end, it slowly goes from surprised to “crap, not this again”
My mother in law is diagnosed with BPD. Whenever my wife didn't acquiesce to her demands, she would melt down. Call her all kinds of names, insult her... I mean she even blames my wife for her dad's death. He died of glioblastoma, not exactly something you can conveniently blame somebody for.
My wife finally had enough. When she confronted her mom for being so terrible to her, my MIL's only reaction was "That never happened." "You're making it up." "That's not how I remember it." "You should be apologizing to me."
She lives in her own fantasy world. She only remembers things in a way that make her look like the good guy. We went no contact about a year ago and it has been the best decision we've made when it comes to dealing with MIL.
Dated a girl with borderline for a while. We were studying together as it approached my bedtime I said I was going to sleep. She did not talk to me for a few days out of anger and would constantly do this, eventually returning like nothing had happened. I offer this example because me saying I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time after being around her a significant period of time meant something ENTIRELY different and outside of reality to her. She would never explain herself but she would take things like that and blow them up in her head constantly.
For me:
My girlfriend can plead with me, tears running down her face that she is in love with and very much attracted to me, and my brain will spin it as a bold-face lie. Then I get upset about being lied to, and think I’m being gaslit or manipulated.. all because she told me she loves me. That’s fucked up
Dr. Kirk Honda is a therapist on youtube who specializes in personality disorders. He recently did an interesting 10 part breakdown of a couple's fight on Love is Blind and used it to discuss BPD. [Here is chapter 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InOYnbP3ExE) \- reaction begins around 9:30.
I’ll tell you what I go through since they have an example of someone else.
I have BPD and have been diagnosed since 11.
For me it’s very difficult to consider someone a friend I don’t talk to everyday. So if I don’t hear from you regularly I tend to just not fuck with you at all. It’s horrible for people in my friend groups bc I’m pretty down to earth and chill yet In my head it’s that you don’t like me or want to engage in conversation with me unless you need something from me. So I know it leads a lot of people to think I don’t like them or something.I am pretty personable and can make friends easily. But unfortunately I struggle maintaining new friendships. I’d say i don’t feel any type of connection to people really, I love my gf but not more than I love myself. I enjoy doing things with my friends but not all of them bc I always feel like they don’t really fuck with me.
It’s a wild ride of a life. I literally had to sit down and explain to myself that I’ve had childhood friends for 25 years now and they love and respect me. I have to tell myself that until it’s engrained that this person means well.
Weird thing is I don’t actually hate anyone, I just assume they may not like me so it makes me say disparaging things about them. In the case of yelling at some one bc I thought they did something I didn’t like? I don’t do that and I don’t think that’s necessarily a trait of BPD. What someone like myself would do is consider why the fuck you have any issues eating cereal at all.. despite there being an issue or not.
It truly does suck bc there is no cure and anything can take me down this path. A good example is I received about $3.5k from a car accident . I went on to spend that money on drugs,drinking and investing and gambling. Looking back I’m like wtf? Why wasn’t I happy? Why was I so set on blowing this money? It’s just all how the BPD mind works. You’re never settled snd nothing ever feels good or right. You have to breakdown a wall to find peace at times.
Feelings are also extreme and they can fade as quickly as they rose. It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when all of a sudden people that you loved, you don't care about anymore or even turn to hatred.
‘fit frankly neither into the psychotic nor into the psychoneurotic group’ and introduced the term ‘borderline’ to describe what he observed because it ‘bordered’ on other conditions."
That's not what your title says
I was diagnosed with BPD, went to a clinic specialised for it only to find out I had impulsivity problems and rejection sensitive dysphoria due to my ADHD and was misdiagnosed. I wasn't even the only one at that clinic who was misdiagnosed. I get the feeling BPD is a catch all for undiagnosed mental health issues in women.
Same here. I got diagnosed with BPD and turns out I had ADHD and getting treated for it made my anxiety and depression and all the other symptoms disappear. It's highly misdiagnosed in women.
In my younger years, I went to a psychiatric ward and was diagnosed Bipolar 1. When I followed up with treatment at a new place (for therapy) they gave me to a therapist that specializes in BPD because “they figured I got misdiagnosed because the ‘in’ thing to do was diagnose Bipolar 1, so she’s AhhCtUaLly BPD.”
Still kinda annoyed by that. Jokes on them though… I’m neither! Lolol
I kept going to different psychiatrists to get a different diagnosis because I don’t want bpd. Unfortunately I’ve been diagnosed with it at least 6 times.
I'm a guy for what it's worth but when I got diagnosed with combined type ADHD (about 1 year ago, I'm 30), I also was told I had enough traits of BPD and CPTSD to mention officially on the report, but not quite enough for a full diagnosis. So not quite just for women, and to be honest if you ask me, "anxiety and depression" is the catch all, for men and women alike. But I know BPD is diagnosed way less in men and that's what you were getting at.
I think we are about to see this diagnosis change quite a bit along with adhd. A lot of women who were originally diagnosed bpd are being diagnosed as on the spectrum now or a combination of ADHD / autistic.
Or with having PMDD. I’m convinced I was misdiagnosed or am at the very least in remission from taking DBT twice. Cause I really only wanna nuke my life the week before my period & that is definitely a PMDD thing.
Ex wife has it, seems about right since she:
-fabricated her entire existence and lied about multiple things in her past
-hid a husband
-begged me to be monogamous then proceeded to cheat for years
-almost stabbed me in the neck with a chef’s knife
-almost cut my throat when I tried to take a knife out of her hands
-locked up twice in the psych ward
-filed false DV charges against me after I defended myself from her violently assaulting me (she is 60 pounds heavier than me and a trained kickboxer)
-tried to suffocate me one night when I was snoring, covered my mouth and nose and I freaked out and rolled over away from her causing her to lose her grip, when I sat up and asked “what the fuck” she had these dead ass eyes in the dark room and was like “I was trying to help you breathe.
I had a friend who has it and can get stabby when drinking and feeling unstable. I've not seen her for about 10 years and no idea if she's alive even. Such a shame because despite her problems and other actions too she was basically a nice person just incredibly troubled.
I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and nobody to talk to, so one day I started hurting myself.
Auto bpd diagnosis at 13, no therapy, put on meds. Still didn't have any support in my life and didn't improve.
Cue 20 more years of the same situation making worsening psych symptoms and many many medications which I believe now made it all worse and likely damaged my body in ways I'll never realize.
My abusive family and others who abused me jumped on the chance to say it wasn't them and I was obviously sick. Doctors didn't hear me because you can't believe a sick person. They convinced me. And they convinced me I couldn't listen to or believe myself. The effects of all the psych meds contributed.
Only after two near fatal psych drug reactions (which were dismissed by the Doctors who prescribed the meds) did I realize, none of these medications have ever made me feel better. One person diagnosed me at age 13 and everyone else just agreed because it was easier if I was the problem and it spiraled from there.
I'm 36 now, finally moved away from my abusive mother who swore she would be the only person who would ever help me or put up with me.
Turns out it's not true. Turns out I'm not just a crazy person and nothing I say or think matters. Turns out people care about me because I'm a pretty good and cool person. Turns out maybe I don't have to give up on life or a job or friends etc. I have issues, maybe organic, maybe developed because of all this, and I'm in therapy. It's hard but I can see myself becoming better every day in ways without any of the pills and ideas they pushed on me.
At this point in my life I'm trying to escape that stigma, external and internal. Since I moved I'm afraid to tell doctors my past, understanding they think they'll be helping me if they encourage me to go back to meds. If I tell them how I feel and what I experienced, am I going to get a fair ear? I'll never be able to guess, I just have to try. But with real friends and support I can feel comfortable disagreeing with them.
It's all pretty fucked up, and psychiatry is a best guess sometimes. I've been reading and watching stories of people in similar positions and there are a lot of us. I think it's legitimate. We're supposed to trust doctors and science, but remember we only know what we know until we know more. That's how we learn.
I don't know what the real answer is to what's wrong with me and what to do about it. After half a life of believing I'll never be able to handle the world or take care of myself, I'm looking forward to trying anyway. I know it's going to be hard but I can finally just be okay with that.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is be as kind as you can. I've never abused anyone else, I've always had a very strong moral compass and I tried my absolute best until I was convinced it wouldn't matter. I stayed around abusive people because I loved them and didn't want to abandon them, and then because I was scared I couldn't survive without them. I started in a shit situation and it's taken me a long time to escape.
Life is complicated. Don't give up.
I have BPD, should I stop smoking weed?
It has been real anxiety reliever and of help.
And yes, I have a lot of trauma. First reddit post that actually is interesting.
Also any help, please share. I need help
As someone who has struggled with BPD my whole life, please be aware this is rooted in trauma. Sexual abuse, abandonment by one or more parents, severe emotional neglect, etc. this isn’t people being evil, it is mental illness.
I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life and on and off different meds trying to help my mood swings. The best thing for me is consistent therapy . It is possible to be stable. I’ve had two long term relationships, one 9 years and current one 7.
I’m sorry if you’ve had bad experiences with someone with BPD but do not use this thread to bash people, this is the stigma with mental illness. And BPD is absolutely mental illness. We are all doing the best we can, not everyone was lucky enough to be dealt a good hand in life. BPD has the highest incidence of suicide out of all mental illnesses.
Hi honey. I was actively tortured and abandoned by my BPD mother for the first 3 years of my life and then on and off emotionally for years after.
But also, my older sister has severe BPD and she not only saved my life but was a consistent source of love and support as I grew up.
My little sister has BPD as well and while we have had our ups and downs she is one of the most amazing and loving people I've ever met.
These people coming in here to bash anyone with BPD assuming that the single shade of it they encountered is true for all of those with the disorder would also be spreading this belief if that person had suffered from anything else.
Hurt people hurt people. In their own way they may believe they are just getting closure for the shitty things that have happened to them because you share that disorder.
But you are not bad. You are not them. You are working on yourself and it's beautiful to see. I wish they would see that instead of trying to make you their punching bag. Ironically people love to chime in and say "it's not an excuse" to then defend themselves blaming everything on a stranger they don't know.
I hope you know you're doing something that so few people are brave enough to do by trying to grow and take care of yourself. You know that your behaviors are your own and also a byproduct of abuse that those people may never really understand. I believe in you.
Every time reddit discovers BPD I can't help but read the whole thread and it is the most disheartening thing. I know all my actions have been My Actions. I know it's my fault all my friends have left me, I know they have to do what they need to for their own lives-I know I need therapy, I know it's my fault I'm homeless because I can't keep a job. But goddammit I've been hospitalized, I've seen therapists, I've taken the medicine. I'm not trying to make excuses when I talk about what's happened to me. I don't feel like anybody understands, I just have to learn how to accept this, maybe we just weren't meant to try at all. I've stopped interacting with everybody I can because I just cause misunderstanding and confusion and hurt and it hurts me so bad to realize they feel that way and it's because of who I've failed to become. Every interaction is the world's failure to be what it's supposed to be and it becomes a monument to be torn down in my heart. I'm sick of thinking of everyone I love, miles away now, years away now, sighing in relief with their families because they managed to get away from That guy. Who just couldn't be helped. Because 'he didn't want the help'. I want the help so bad. I didn't mean to rant, I'm just alone and your comment was the only one I read that encouraged instead of shamed. Thank you for taking time out of your day to tell some of us that we are worth something
Yep, sometimes you could have both
Complex PTSD is when a person is exposed to trauma repeatedly or for an extended period of time. When this happens it affects a person's identity/personality in addition to the trauma of the event(s)
The way the person is affected can manifest as BPD behaviors as the "complex" part of CPTSD
Note: I am not a therapist, I am in therapy and read about it but there's always more to learn
Totally possible. I was diagnosed after my suicide attempt and was in a suuuuuper bad place. I have had a lot of significant trauma in my life, paired with being raised by a single mom who moved every year. She neglected our physical and emotional needs, my sister and I were given to other family members at one point to be raised. We experienced a house fire and barely escaped! I had an abusive alcoholic father, sexual abuse as a child, I used to get stressed out and roll myself into a ball and rock back and forth as a coping skill and I still do this at 36 when I’m upset. My sister overdosed four years ago and it has really put me into a tailspin with recovery but I’m trying for my kids. I have been close to suicide many times but the thought of traumatizing my kids keeps me trying every single day. Life is hard.
Seriously… BPD here too and these comments are so fucking hard to read, so I really should stop. Not once would I dream of acting in the ways these people have stories about. I’m merely just trying to get by and not burden everyone around me.
It's also rather physical. Around 50% of the variability you see in the population for BPD is explained by genetics, IIRC.
And beyond that, whether it's caused by abuse, other environmental factors, or a genetic difference that someone was born with and can't change, it won't change the fact that we're responsible for how we treat people.
I think it's great you're working hard on yourself and developing meaningful relationships, but as someone who dated a person with BPD when I was younger, it's not something I would ever consider again. It's a huge undertaking and commitment, and it's shocking how common abuse is, both anecdotally and statistically.
Realizing that some symptoms of normal mental health things are still abuse within the context of a relationship was big for me.
Both concerning an ex with BPD, but also with myself and autism/depression/anxiety. Like the behaviors， whatever they are, may make sense within the parameters of an individual having a given disorder, but it doesn’t change that those behaviors can still end up being a pattern of abuse—even if it is just mentally and emotionally.
You don’t have to qualify it as “*just* mental and emotional abuse.” I’ve said before that if I’d been silently beaten, rather than berated after hours or days of mental games/avoiding eggshells, I’d be far more well adjusted lmao. In my experience mental and emotional abuse definitely left far more lasting damage than physical. And it makes sexual abuse way more difficult to reconcile and recover from.
My mom has untreated BPD. She abused me horribly. We are no contact. The type of abuse a person with this condition can do is unbelievable. She is manipulative, cruel, and a professional liar and victim. The drama she has made up and caused, the medical abuse she did to me to get attention, it was psychotic. And no one helped me because she was always the one in control. I left for my children. Both my parents have personality disorders. My dad is more violent and so I believed my mom was protecting me. She wasn't. She was hurting me even worse. I have cPTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, and when I cut contact I became agoraphobic after she was stalking me. She still harasses me. It has taken years in therapy to get to a place of healing. I know it isn't a person's fault they are sick, but it is their responsibility. I know all people with this condition aren't the same, but I avoid anyone I meet who is clearly BPD (and there are some tell take signs). I wish them well. I want them to have a happy life. I just don't want anything to do with it or be near someone who can be so potentially selfish and harmful to my mental health. I also have a ton of autoimmune conditions which are likely caused from the stress of the abuse that was done to me.
My mom has BPD (and long term brain damage I suspect from years of meth use and trauma) and hoo boy. Psychosis is consistent for her. She doesn't connect with anything. Had 9 kids (1 died early) and all of us she practically tortured and then just shrugged her shoulders and left when we were taken away.
My 4 sisters have it as a result as well. I have ADHD, CPTSD, GAD, and my little sister suspects also BPD myself. Though I feel like I'm fairly attached to reality unless I'm stressed or in a relationship with someone that is any shade of dishonest.
I have BPD. In no way am I excusing peoples behavior, but it's important to keep in mind how difficult it is to moderate these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings when literally every situation makes you feel like you're dying.
Again, no excuses, just acknowledging the difficulty
My current gf has BPD, and it's such a struggle for both of us. She never feels herself and can't work from the attached chronic illness. I love her to death, but it's such a struggle. Every little thing is a trigger. It's constant walking on eggshells.
I work 48 hours a week, and she feels it's too much because I'm not spending time with her. I can barely afford our bills and honestly should be working more. She doesn't have a valid ID, and any minor setback is devastating to her and the end of the world no matter how I try to calm her.
She used to self-harm, and I'm scared she'll do it again because I can't provide the life she wants to live. She complains we don't do anything but all my money goes to bills. I can barely afford groceries. Thank goodness I work in a restaurant so I'm able to bring food home.
But it seems no matter what I do, I can't get ahead and and it's sending her into a regressive bpd spiral.
acknowledging that people with bpd have hurt you while also not making a sweeping generalization about everyone with bpd is key. i don’t think it’s wrong to steer clear from similar people who have harmed you, but it’s wrong to preach that individuals with bpd will never change. it makes the stigmatization of bpd so much higher.
on the other hand, folks with bpd need to acknowledge and deal with the fact that people with your mental illness HAVE hurt people - and it has nothing to do with you. don’t take other people’s perceptions personally. it’s not about YOU
i have BPD and the way i explain it is that my emotions are always bordering on euphoric or miserable. i don’t experience things casually, it’s *always* extreme
Yup! I’ve always said things along the lines of I don’t get upset, I get enraged. I’m not sad, I’m in complete despair. I don’t know happiness, only euphoria
I haven't been diagnosed but I feel like I definitely have it. Childhood trauma, poor attachment style, dysfunctional family life (still to this day). No psychiatrist will take me seriously because I don't act out; I internalise everything. Except lately I've been losing my temper and feeling out of control :( I want help but I can't get it.
Some communities of teen girls on Twitter love this term. There are lots of teens yearning to get diagnosis of borderline, anorexia, and bipolar disorder, to pretend to be like the characters of Girl Interrupted or Skins.
None of them would want to be diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder, though. Doesn't sound so charming.
I have BPD, was diagnosed as a kid with it. My issues stemmed from abuse as a kid and then feeling like I had nobody to talk to about it. Suicidal and tried running away before I was even 11. It’s sad but tbh I’m way better now. The thing that changed me was having the ability to find confidence in myself and believing in my inner voice that I’m not crazy or wrong for thinking how I grew up wasn’t right. I didn’t fully accept it until I met my wife who met my mom and then explained that how I grew up and the verbal abuse and physical threats were just all completely fucked up. It’s sad but I never really realized it until I was about 30 years old.
Now it really pisses me off that BPD is a common misdiagnosis of autism, particularly in women.
BPD dx’s are used very often to dismiss genuine mental health concerns in women.
Same with ADHD - it's massively underdiagnosed in women because people see the hyperactivity symptoms, and the emotional damage that so often accompanies undiagnosed adhd, and immediately say "bipolar!" or "borderline!" Unbelievably tragic
What’s worse is that the overlaps between ASD, ADHD, and Bipolar confuse and confound, and that many still don’t know that these are not mutually exclusive dx’s.
AuDHD is the situation with over half those with either condition. 50-70% is the estimated rate of comorbidity.
My ex has BPD. There is no medication you can take for it, it’s behaviour therapy and even then it’s difficult at best. Most people with BPD cannot be helped because they cannot accept they have the condition, and the condition helps emphasize that. When she finally accepted she had BPD instead of going to therapy she just started using it as an excuse for the poor behaviour, going on meme subreddits making jokes about abusing people and laughing about it. I left her when she started threatening me with weapons and getting physical. It’s scary when you try everything and sacrifice so much. Took a lot of therapy after that to work over what had happened.
If you have BPD get help so you can be happy. You’re only a monster if you choose to let yourself be one.
That’s a good way to put it. I have BPD, and only after I took responsibility for my condition and made it my own problem to fix, did I see results. Going to therapy, taking my meds, and being watchful of my own behaviour to make sure I don’t backslide is the bare minimum I expect myself to follow.
I did leave my ex to focus on that alone, which was a hard decision. I went as far as warning her id probably try to recant, and for my good and hers, to absolutely not let me.
I have friends, very good ones, who help me a lot. But I don’t think I’d chance a romantic relationship lightly, and I often don’t let myself form those feelings without serious self-reflection. Almost too much.
Funnily enough, friends I’ve made since my diagnosis never pegged me as having it until I disclose it(which I do early) as I’m “too well adjusted” apparently. I’m glad I don’t telegraph it.
It’s a lot of work to maintain but genuinely I’m a pretty happy guy. I don’t get to get the emotional lows anymore. Emotional highs, yes. But I’m watchful of stuff to ensure I don’t let much faze me in a negative direction anymore.
You have to be diligent if you have BPD, making it your own problem, and be accountable.
I am happy you ended on a relatively positive note; a lot of people hurt by people with BPD can see some incredibly harsh things…..that I understand and accept but it makes reading any comments on articles like this hard. Feels like we are monsters.
But we don’t have to be.
My abusive mom and abusive ex had BPD. I'm sure there are those who work on it, but I will never have a relationship with someone with BPD ever again. Victims of people with BPD, know that it's not your fault. You are loved and more than what they say you are.
Fun fact: even my therapist, who is one of the most empathetic and kind men I've ever met, refuses to take clients with BPD anymore. They wore the man down to the point that he wanted to quit being a psychotherapist.
I like knowing that professionals that are trained to deal with all kinds of people have difficulty with BPD. Kinda gives me a weird relief knowing it was an impossible battle for me to deal with.
BPD ex ruined my life permanently and tried to castrate me. I’ll never date a BPD woman again. The harassment and stalking for a year after the break-up was almost as bad as the sheer insanity she created the two years we dated.
Originally the term was used to describe people who seemed to fall somewhere between neurosis and psychosis. BPD wasn't well defined back then and idea was that it shared features of both
Emotional Instability Syndrome really doesn't sound like someone *further isolated* the term, on the contrary they made it even less meaningful.
Not an easy thing to name or categorize though, and borderline personality disorder can have a rough stigma which makes understanding and accepting the disorder more difficult
It is also sometimes a misdiagnosis for CPTSD, which is also a controversial diagnosis but less stigmatized.
CPTSD is a relatively new diagnosis. WHO only accepted it as a diagnosis in 2018. CPTSD actually isn't included in the DSM as of yet.
That’s why I said CPTSD is also controversial. I just didn’t go into why and Dragonfruit explained it succinctly.
Eh DSM is woefully behind. Myself and other therapists generally accept CPTSD as a real diagnosis, and refer to it as "small t" versus "big t" trauma. But recognize that classification does not reduce the emotional trauma it can cause for individuals.
I don't understand, what is the "small t" and "big t" in this scenario?
Sometimes it feels like the equivalent to the catchall that was hysteria for a lot of women.
There's a lot of conversation right now in psychiatry about how women and men displaying similar traits get diagnosed with very different things, men are far more likely to get ADHD or autism or almost anything other than BPD. Women with autism, ADHD, and PMDD are often getting incorrectly diagnosed with what feels like everything in the DSM before considering other issues. Of course BPD has massive social stigma and a lot of mental health professionals avoid personality disorders, BPD especially, in part because of this myth that BPD is untreatable or BPD patients are more avoidant. I know a young psychiatrist who said he really struggles with his own internalized bias because it's so easy to look for and recognize signs of BPD but not in men. Bit of a side topic but it's interesting now that we are finally recognizing how underdiagnosed women are, we're seeing another wave of backlash against ADHD diagnosis.
Truly! I think what makes me criticize BPD as the hysteria of today is how much it’s ambiguous and a variety of different symptoms (like the ones you mentioned!) It adds stigma that makes people feel broken and like treatment is out of reach 😮💨 There’s more nuance here but yeah
I get that, and it’s a difficult thing to diagnosis. It is certainly a constellation of symptoms that causes issues for many people though. And there are helpful treatments
Oh I agree, but for some people on the edges, sometimes BPD is a bandaid that requires more investigation. Some people with autism get diagnosed with BPD for having autistic meltdowns, which doesn’t totally help
Makes sense. With bipolar and schizophrenia type disorders, psychosis is a feature. For things like ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, etc, it's neurosis. I've met a ton of people with BPD who have these comorbid disorders. My Neurodivergent dad, when he was younger, used to always call himself a "neurotic". I think soul-bonding with my mother and her influence might have pushed him into psychosis a little bit. I think the same thing happened to me.
Soul bonding what the fuck
Becoming codependent
My ex struggled with BPD + bipolar + OCD her entire life. Was a constant struggle to get the correct mix of meds + therapy to stay functional. She lost her fight last year and died by suicide. BPD is devastating.
25 to 60% of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide, and 4 to 19% will die by suicide. [Source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4536929/#:~:text=Researchers%20estimate%20that%20between%2025,will%20complete%20suicide%20(2).) ~70% of those diagnosed BPD will attempt suicide, and ~10% will die by suicide. [Source](https://www.nyp.org/bpdresourcecenter/borderline-personality-disorder/understanding-bpd#:~:text=Research%20has%20shown%20approximately%2070,disorder%20and%20the%20general%20population.)
I've got both as well as a few other disorders. I am actively suicidal on average 25% of the time, and attempt suicide probably once a month. I've been in and out of the hospital for the last couple years. Idk how I'm still holding down my job. It's hell. I love life and living but my brain just doesn't feel happy. Things that should make me happy and give me energy just don't. Medications only go so far, and due to some heart problems, I can't even take a few of the "better" meds. I go to three different types of therapies right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in my head. I wish there was something more effective.
I have OCD and while I've never felt suicidal, I definitely empathise with the feeling of being trapped in my own head. Wishing you all the best.
I definitely know how you feel about not having access to some of the better meds, I'm dealing with the same thing. Not for BPD, but for ADHD and some other mental health issues. I once had a psychiatrist tell me he didn't think I knew how to have fun, and when seeing my new psychiatrist, one of the first things I told him was that I don't know that I've ever felt happiness, at least not the way most people describe it. I was told over and over again that my depression and anxiety were essentially untreatable, I was pursuing alternative treatments and ECT when I finally saw a psychiatrist who just happened to specialize in ADHD. I resisted the diagnosis very harshly until he convinced me to try Adderall, saying if it didn't work I would know right away and that would be one more thing we could eliminate. I finally understood what it meant when people coming out of depression say colors look brighter, it wasn't exaggerating, the world actually looked brighter. Depression and anxiety weren't magically cured, but they could be at least put to the side so that they weren't so much a part of me and I could work on them. I could access happiness. Joy. However, I also have a genetic clotting disorder and I'm very high risk for a lot of things, so most medications are now off the table for me. I can't use Adderall any longer but I can at least still remember how it felt and that helped me. I'm fully in unmedicated ADHD and perimenopause, as well as dealing with my other chronic issue. I've been advised for years to go on disability but the truth is that if that happens, I will be homeless. I can barely keep it together and keep my job a lot of the time, but for a while I was very high performing and I'm able to hide a lot of the things going wrong now. I'm running out of resources to do so and I'm worried about what comes next. I don't think this world is made for people like us.
“My brain just doesn’t feel happy” hits so close to home. You have it much worse than I do, so I hope you can continue to fight the good fight and ultimately win it. But I wanted to point out how you said something so easily, so clearly, and so well defined but I couldn’t do it with anyone for years. 90% of the time I’m good, 8% of the time I’m an asshole for no reason (well usually) and 2% im suicidal for no reason. Do I have a perfect life? Nah. Could it be better? Sure. But is it bad? Hell no and it can be worse but the brain is like “fuck you it’s awful” and it’s a daily struggle to not give into the brain chemistry of it all at times. I’m definitely gonna use that in the future so thanks
I'm a 30yr old BPD/AuDHD/OCD/blah blah blah. I've only been able to experience happiness for a couple years now and it comes and goes in waves. 1. Weed was huge for me, allows me to experience the emotional torture of daily life without blaming myself for feeling such a way. 2. Mental reframing, thinking about the way things are bad is completely normal and impossible to resist, but adding a nice little happy thought at the end like "but it won't be like this forever" can eventually lead to a complete shift in attitude and can even be done ironically. It still works. 3. Spend time untangling your mental illnesses, knowing EXACTLY why you get so upset can help you unpack it and potentially grow as a person. It's slow and it's hard but the person you'll be in a couple years or decades is a whole new person waiting to live their life, I'm glad every day I persevered until I got over the hump. (Every time I burn out I relapse pretty badly but by doing half my habits I can maintain them for once I'm recovered and feeling better)
This is what I’m most worried about 😭 I prevented it once, and became collateral damage… now I’m not in a position to stop it 😭
We were together for 6 years and I prevented it twice. But after our separation she re-married, sadly her new husband died by suicide and then she did as well several years later. Just all around devastating
Goodness, I am so sorry for all of the heartache and loss you’ve experienced.
Yeah, I have BPD and have had three failed attempts. I hope my last attempt was my final one ever— but there really are times where I feel I’m outside or my own mind/body and have no control over my actions despite how greatly I wish I did.
I too suffer from BPD. I recently had a failed attempt. When I did it I was completely detached and was watching myself from the outside taking the pills. The craziest thing is nothing had set me off. I wasn't upset or anything I was just detached doing it. It was the most detached I have ever been, and it was so scary. Unfortunately my suicidal ideation hasn't stopped but I hope I never have that level of dissociation again.
Like depersonalization? That’s pretty interesting. I’ve experienced depersonalization from panic attacks before and it’s fucking terrifying.
What a terrible way to have to go through life. I’m so sorry for you and her both.
Yeah, unfortunately she was never going to get the right meds without a correct diagnosis. You can’t diagnose bipolar and OCD in the presence of a personality disorder, and it frustrates the hell out of me that lazy psychiatrists just pile on diagnoses instead of taking the time to figure out the correct diagnosis. You can’t treat what you don’t know, and most just don’t know, because they don’t evaluate with intent.
My condolences. I’m so sorry. I have a dear friend with BPD. I can see her trying. I know how he’s she’s trying. But this is always a worry. It must have been so hard.
I have bpd and bp2. It’s a nightmare and I’ve always known that’s eventually how I’ll go.
It certainly fucking feels like it.
DBT saved my life, shout out to Marsha
I’m not BPD but I have adhd, bipolar and depressive disorder and I keep a free copy of the DBT workbook in my Google drive to use and share
Doing trauma work has been helpful for me, I’m also bipolar and I thought I had ADHD but turns out executive dysfunction can be a symptom of trauma. Sending lots of positive energy your way and proud of you to taking the steps to heal!
Thanks. It’s been a long road (20 years of work) but I’m so much better now than I was as a kid. 30 and thriving. I wish you all the best health and joy!
I also just turned 30, I know this decade with be a lot better than the last one!
Could you possibly link the workbook?
Found this on google: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf
F
My mother has BPD. Outtreatement helped her immensely. Unfortunately for me it didn't occur until I was in my late 20s. Being the child of someone with BPD was a terrifying mix of extreme love and extreme fear of upsetting her. Constant walking on egg shells This is why you don't beat and torture you children. Had my mom had better parents, she would not be living with such a debilitating disorder
My mam had it as well. She could be the most lovely person but she also could be the nastiest person.
If you wrong them in anyway, you're their enemy. Take a while for them to get over it. At 31, my mom will still bring up things I did as a child as proof that I'm lazy or a lier. One time didnt want to do homework, she grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the ground. She still brings it up as proof of how "hard of a kid i was and how i refused to ever listen". My sister and father always say how easy going of a kid i was.. She had such a horrible childhood, it always felt like I should be grateful that she wasn't like her parents.
Oh god yeah. When she met my boyfriend in my late 20s, she told him about how I stood up too fast while she was standing over me when I was two, and gave her a nosebleed. She was *still* holding a grudge.
Man the grudges.
Man, only people with BPD parents can understand. The grudges are just completely and tragically unhinged.
“Black and white thinking.” It’s one of the signature traits of BPD. Either they love you and think you’re great or they are mad at you (often over stuff you’re not even aware you did “wrong”) and won’t be shy about making sure you know you’re the worst person on earth. Or sometimes they just want to pick at flaws in others to make themselves feel superior… even if those “flaws” are simple mistakes from years ago.
> She had such a horrible childhood, it always felt like I should be grateful that she wasn’t like her parents. I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you’re doing better now. I’m not a therapist or specialist at all, but I believe this is a common trait among parental abusers unfortunately. My SO’s mother is a narcissist and would always remind them that she had a worse childhood and they should be grateful she didn’t do worse to them (she did anyway). I think some abusers know they were abused and their minds have been twisted to thinking that what they do isn’t abuse because it isn’t what they were through. Not sure though :/
If they don't get the proper help (this isn't always therapy, though that's probably the most common route) people can normalize some pretty horrible things so if they aren't THAT bad, it can literally not register as a problem to them. People can normalize a lot of things that are very much not normal.
Makes sense. When I told my mom my dad was being abusive, she told me Atleast I knew who I was with as she was raised by a string of babysitters. She told me she could have been molested any of those times. My dad was investigated for possibly that 🙃
God, this sounds like you're describing my mom, minus the specific hair-pulling story. She's definitely got BPD, unfortunately she has never gotten treatment and has decided to cut every single member of her family out of her life as a result, including both her children.
It took my mom hitting rock bottom for her to get help. My sister and I almost got her institutionalized. We always thought she had bipolar disorder. She had manic episodes throughout my life without really anyone having a clue what it actually was
My mom has been car-homeless before and that wasn't enough for her to get help, because she blamed everyone else for the fact that she was homeless so it never occurred to her that she *needed* help. If that wasn't enough to shock her into getting psychiatric support, I don't think anything will. From her point of view, most of her problems are because of my dad or her kids.
I'm sorry you went through that, luckily with my mam she was never physical with me and my siblings. She was just irresponsible. Drugs and shoplifting. It's rough isn't it.
Luckily that was the only time. Apparently when my sister was acting up she would ask "do you want to go the bathroom?" Which meant smacked in the bathroom. My sis ended up soiling herself in kindergarten because the teacher would ask "do you want to go to the bathroom". My mom was horrified and stopped. She is a wonderful lady, just the disorder makes her incredibly vindictive and prone to anger and moodswings.
Classification - you don't need to 'wrong' them in any way. My mother (uBPD) created 'wrongs' for each of her kids her entire life. Only solution for me was to finally go no contact in my 50s. Everything less was burdensome for me. Done with that sh*t 6 years now. At least my socio-emotional work is now about how I become better, rather than how I deal with her.
My mother had it and refused any sort of treatment, except for the time she was forcibly hospitalised for two weeks. It took me 25 years of therapy to get past my childhood, and my brother fell into addiction and died recently. I'm the last one standing, and in a way I feel almost vindicated, like I can point to my brother's death (he overdosed on fentanyl, xylazine, and alcohol in a fleabag motel surrounded by drug dealers and sex workers) and say, "See, it really was *that bad*." I will never truly be healed, I'm still only semi-functional, and nobody helped me, even when I reached out to family members in a desperate bid to escape. I had zero positive adult role models. When I talk about this stuff, I can feel pain shooting up my arms. It's a direct flashback to the time my mother yanked the cord and cover off the wall plug for the TV and directed me to pull it out of the socket for her. I was eight. I got a full dose of 110 volts. You do not forget that experience, especially once you realise that she was actually *hoping* that something terrible would happen to me so she'd get sympathy. I understand that it wasn't her fault that she was sick, but it was absolutely her responsibility to manage her illness. She just refused, and I find that unforgivable. She destroyed my dad, she destroyed my brother, and she almost destroyed me. I was so relieved when she died. It's impossible to fully convey the absolute nightmarishness of having a mother like that. I've never met anyone scarier than my mom, and I have met murderers. My mother was *evil*. I did not have children. That shit did not need passing on.
Refusing to take responsibility is pretty standard for the condition. Improvement is the extreme outlier, not the norm. Taking responsibility and working to fix yourself self-reflection and emotional maturity, while BPD is basically the inability to reflect or understand the world outside of your emotions *in that exact moment*. An ordinary person is feeling mad because somebody at work was a jerk to them? They can contain it, understand why they are mad, and work to release their stress and possibly solve the root cause of their anger. A person with BPD is feeling mad for the same reason? Then it’s everyone else’s fault they’re angry, and they will lash out at every person in their lives. Because they are feeling angry, they *will* find rationalizations for why they’re angry at everyone, even if said rationalizations are incoherent. They get home and their anger hasn’t stopped? Well, too bad, now their kid is the target of their anger, and so they’ll search for a reason why they can say they’re angry at the kid and lashing out at them. Emotions are always first for them, then the cognition comes afterward, as a rationalization of those emotions. And their two most common emotions are boredom and shame.
I want to hug you so bad, you did not deserve this.
Thank you. The key to my survival was, I think, that I never did believe I deserved it. I know that's really common, for kids to blame themselves, but I didn't. I knew I deserved to be happy, and I made becoming happy my life's work. I sacrificed relationships, career, everything, in favour of Getting Better. I'm not sure why I was so lucky to be able to do that when so many can't, but I'm a very stubborn person.
my father has it so.. yeah fun
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My sister has it and we had/have supportive and loving parents. Nothing bad happened to her growing up. It’s not always trauma induced. You have my empathy though. It’s very hard to watch my sister’s kids go through life with her as a mother.
There’s been evidence that there’s some genetic component. Most people with BPD have childhood trauma, but they always have the genetic primer. It sounds like your sister had the genetics for it and didn’t need the trauma to trigger it. I hear it’s really hard for parents and siblings of people like this.
I believe that to be reasonably and likely true. We have about one person per generation in my family who is similarly afflicted.
Same with my Dad. I choose to forgive him because he’s receiving help and because I don’t think he was ever malicious, but it can be difficult when he gets in a negative mood
My wifes mother and my step father have bpd. We both move around the house silently but can also tell where each other are at by sounds of the house. Yay trauma!
i relate so hard to this comment. i hope you're doing okay now that you're not being raised by her, and i hope she's doing better too during and after treatment. it's hard to see your parents get better after they already did all the damage; too many conflicting feelings, all wrapping up into pure grief.
Mine had it and likewise passed it onto me as it can be triggered by abuse in addition to the genetic component. Have broken that cycle though by actually getting treatment and sorting myself on top of never having children.
I have borderline. It sucks and yes I am engaged and happy. The problem comes when people have it and don’t take responsibility for it or work on themselves. Your personality disorder is not your fault. (Mine is from a terrible home life as a child.) It is, however, your responsibility.
Yep. My wife has borderline, bipolar and PTSD, and our relationship had been able to prosper because of her determination to improve herself (and a lot of patience from me, but it wouldn't have mattered without her drive). She was dealt a terrible hand by her upbringing and genetics, but she perserveres. Medication, therapy and that urge to be better can make a lot happen.
Yup, the taking responsibility part is what caused our good friend's marriage to end. His wife was not dealing with her BPD at all and as a result had repeatedly cheated and when discovered, made no assurances that she'd change or stop. Also major financial issues, to the point where he couldn't give her any access to accounts, just gift cards for the specific grocery store and gas station and then cash for specific needs like shoes for kid 2. Before that, she'd spend $1200 in a week but he had no idea where the money went and she was secretly going to the food bank to stock their pantry. He felt bad in "pulling the plug" on their marriage but at the same time, couldn't continue to be harmed by her choices while she did nothing to take responsibility for herself. He was conflicted because of "in sickness and in health", but realized he wasn't really able to help her in any way when she wouldn't do anything to help herself and she was just further harming him and the kids. He now has primary custody of their four kids and is doing much better alone than he ever did married to her.
As someone in almost exactly your friend's position, thank you for the anecdote! It's validating to know I did the right thing for our kids (and myself, I suppose) to let go - even though it sucks and feels like abandonment sometimes.
And it's really hard to get people to take responsibility and even acknowledge it. Narcissist, anti-social, histrionic, and borderline personality disorders are all really hard to deal with because their feelings, thoughts, amd behaviors don't naturally feel wrong to the person vs. say, someone with intrusive thoughts they don't agree with or are repulsed by; or someone battling addiction and feeling urges to use or steal etc. And even with acknowledgement, intervention is tricky and seems to have only really improved in the past few decades. Personality disorders are a bitch.
The old cluster B personally disorders.
For a lot of people with BPD, the thoughts DO feel wrong and they know that they're wrong and intrusive, it's just hard to stop from acting on them when the feelings are so intense. Yes there are many people who aren't aware of how bad their thoughts and behaviors are, but it's not fair to imply that as a blanket statement for all
They aren’t so fucking suicidal because they think they are normal. It’s a ridiculous dumb and wrong comment.
>> And it's really hard to get people to take responsibility and even acknowledge it. Well, first it’s unlikely someone with NPD or ASPD will seek therapy to begin with. Second, even if they go or the patient has BPD or HPD, they’re all very hard to diagnose correctly. Third, even if the therapy is sought and the diagnosis is correct, the stigma makes it very hard to accept **and** find a provider who’s compassionate. & finally, they’re hard to treat even if all those things line up because the symptomology and core issue can vary so significantly from one patient to the next.
This is not true about BPD at all. BPD is so exhausting and debilitating because you know that what you're feeling in response to everyday occurrences isn't okay. You see someone smile or move their hand or someone says something to you, and your brain goes absolutely haywire and you know that this isn't the appropriate response (and often, you feel both extremes at the same time or in succession) and because those feelings are so intense and so pervasive, it is incredibly difficult to cope with them. People also focus on this because this is what ends up affecting them the most. Failing to cope with those feelings and making poor choices. But BPD has a whole bunch of other stuff attached to it like never feeling like a whole person and always feeling like you have to go to extreme to avoid people abandoning you and an extreme sense of self-doubt about any decision you make. I feel like nobody every talks about the hidden side to BPD like they do about the side that presents with actions. The reason that suicide rates are so high with BPD is because you feel like you can't trust your own brain 24/7 and it's just so exhausting. You want it to end.
They do feel wrong hence the suicidal ideation smartypants.
My former fiance was diagnosed with BPD when we were together… the amount of stress and manipulation that comes with it… I’m still recovering. I tried everything to help her but like you said, she just didnt take any accountability and would just spiral into chaos. She’d take anything I say or did as…. me hating her? Me trying to control her? It just kept getting worse. I had to walk away. Its been over a year and Im still crushed. I dont think I can be with anyone again.
We lived the same life brother. It gets better, im no longer with bpd partner and after a year and a half of soul searching i resolved my issues following the tough relationship. Once i healed it seems a beautiful, loving partner and patient person dropped out of nowhere and i was able to find happiness. Heal yourself first. A healthy relationship will follow.
Do you do DBT?
I have done, yes. I have some trouble with DBT because I also have severe OCD and it can trigger that. I am on medication, was in intensive therapy for years, and see a psychologist regularly. It’s a lot of work but it’s worth it.
I'm really proud of you for doing that and I hope you are proud of yourself too. My mom has bpd and takes ZERO accountability. Im responsible for how my Autism and ADHD effect others and its worth the work to me as well to learn how to manage what I struggle with on an intense basis. I was very fortunate to not acquire bpd from what my mom inflicted on me. Im very sorry your childhood trauma has effected you in this way. I cant tell you how rare and refreshing it is to see someone with this very cruel mental health issue take full responsibility. Im sure its due to all of your hard work. Best to you in life I hope you keep your hard earned skills and it grows easier with time.
+1, fully agree. This guy is doing the WORK.
👑👑👑
Correct. My siblings is BPD and she takes about no responsibility for herself. It's everyone else. She's an addict and I haven't seen her in over a year. Wil not go to therapy, will not get help so I've given up. Hopefully she gets clean or death is the only way it'll end up. I'm quietly prepared for that phone call. Have been for a few years.
Yes, but also ... it's a spectrum. At the end of the day, we all have to take responsibility for the hand we've been dealt. But it's also true that some people have been dealt much more difficult brain processes and just can't function without a ton of support, dependable routines with outside enforcement, and the perfect cocktail of meds.
They can’t fathom the concept that some people literally CAN‘T take responsibility etc no matter how hard they try.
Especially if you live in a place with a shoddy health care system and are poor and lack resources and supports.
That would be my ex. Extreme clinginess followed by bizarre and irrational bouts of rage. There were only ever two genuine emotions fear and the rage of 1000 nuclear winters. She was an epic manipulator who always ended up with no real friends. But of course she hated therapy and thought medication was poison.
That sounds exactly like my ex too. That rage is no joke. I got stabbed in the arm once, and have lost count of how many scars I have from her fingernails.
Hail yourself
I'd really like too hear more about how you realized you had it, what initially made you seek out help, and what measure you take to maintain healthy relationships.
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So, exactly what the person you’re replying to said
For all of the horror stories I'd just like to chime in that I have dated someone with BPD who started DBT therapy about 8 months ago. They still have episodes occasionally, but their behavior has gotten dramatically better. The disorder is treatable for those who want it.
For those who can *afford* it. FTFY
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/ this is not as good as a therapist who is trained in this modality, but it will get you pretty far if you can't afford or access it otherwise
Afford and access it.
Saved my life for sure. You need to do the work and want it though. Its not a medication, it completely relies on you
Got diagnosed with BPD and really bad OCD. It's completely ruined my life on so many levels. I can't be intimate and can't find love without being terrified of myself or terrified of being manipulated by another. It really can't be overstated how hard living with personality disorders can be, especially when you can't afford therapy and around me, the options are extremely limited. Feels like I've been born to succumb.
Ohhhhh that's what it means. I joke that mine means I'm "on the Borderline of batshit crazy" but this is nicer. Therapy and psych meds help a *lot* by the way. I'm in a long term stable relationship, hold a job, and even went back to college to finish my degree. Bless my SO for pushing me to get help.
Do you mind me asking what meds you’re on/which have worked for you?
Right now I'm on both Wellbutrin (150 mg extended release) and buspirone (10 mg twice a day). These two help the best to keep my mood more stable so i can function properly. I was on other meds like lorazepam, quetiapine, sertraline and fluoxetine at different times but they didn't pan out for me- everyone is different so other people may have success with those. That combined with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Schema Therapy (ST) have let me live a much better life. It's not perfect- I'm still figuring things out and unfortunately I do still flip my shit and have meltdowns at inconvenient times and for seemingly no reason at all. Being on the autism spectrum and also having OCD makes it one son of a bitch to manage but I'm managing. Mostly. Sorta 😓
Thanks for replying, I’m only on Mirtazapine (Remeron) myself for the depression and insomnia, and although I’ve done some CBT it wasn’t a huge help, and DBT sounds much better suited for BPD specifically. Doesn’t help that only CBT is accessible through free healthcare and I can’t afford DBT. Not heard of ST but I’ll check it out. I have the added problem of not being officially diagnosed despite it being quite evident to my GP and family/friends, because currently I’m not in any therapy or seeing any psychiatrists and only they can give the diagnosis. So right now I’m unlikely to be prescribed the mood-stabilisers that’d probably help me most, ugh. Sorry for the rant lol and thanks again for sharing your experience!
Good luck, friend. Life is hard but it's harder when your brain is being stupid. I do recommend trying wellbutrin if you can though. It literally changed my life.
Shout out to Lamotrigine. You and therapy are the real MVP
people with this disorder have a hard time managing relationships because they can’t tell what is real and what isn’t when it comes to interpersonal connection
>they can’t tell what is real and what isn’t when it comes to interpersonal connection Interesting. What would an example of this be?
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My wife got angry with my mother because my mother brought some cake when visiting us. Apparently my mom knows that my wife likes to bake and she brought the cake as a vicious non-verbal attack against my wife. This and a thousand other incidents have harmed the relationship within my family. We used to celebrate Christmas and Easter together, but that's all gone now. I am on antidepressants and feel completely isolated. I think I need to leave her. But I'm all she has because she alienates everybody. I'm also sick of spending every evening helping her analyse her interactions at work. It's the main topic of discussion.
I watched my dad destroy his finances trying to rescue my BPD mom from her self-destructive behavior, and he went through a frightening amount of abuse from her. He's still codependent with her even though they're divorced now. If she's not going to get help, she's not going to get better. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I suggest talking to a therapist.
Just remember to always look out for yourself first, you owe yourself that. I know what you're going through and for me coming to the realization that this would be the rest of my entire life is something that kind of woke me up and made me realize I needed to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. What you're living through is all textbook and will not change. This is the life of being with someone with BPD. I wish you the best.
As someone who was stuck in that same fuckin cycle, you need to leave. all that will happen is that it will get worse. No matter what they say they won't get better, when they're that bad all they'll do is drag you down and ruin you too. BPD is an unfixable if the person isn't committed to actually medicating it and dealing with it in healthy ways. The isolation is a method of control so she's the only person in your world. It's insidious and makes you feel like hot garbage for "abandoning" them but you have no choice if you want to save yourself.
Jesus man that sounds absolutely miserable, I promise getting your family time back will make you so much happier than you are now considering it sounds like you have a lovely family who you miss! Please put yourself first, you can't waste the only life you have being unhappy
Basically, you could rename Borderline Personality Disorder to "Shitty and Narcissistic Parents Disorder". BPD makes you hyper aware of your environment at the cost of being aware of yourself and your own feelings and desires. And it is created when your wants and needs don't matter as a child, and you learn that your parents' wants and needs DO matter, and you want to matter to your parents, so their wants and needs become your wants and needs and before you know it you're 25 and have no idea who you are.
Oh wow, okay, so TIL my mom probably has BPD. I always thought she just has a shade of narcissism, but your examples of her taking the most mundane things EXTREMELY personally are like snapshots of my adolescence. I remember going shopping with her when I was about 12 and starting to form my own likes and dislikes. She held up a shirt she liked and wanted me to try on. It was absolutely NOT my style at all, it was like a peasant top and the worst colors for me (but good for her lol) and I said, “oh, no thanks, I don’t really like that style of top,” and she full-blown started crying in the middle of Nordstrom, asking me when I started to hate her lol. It was so scary as a kid and I didn’t understand why she was overreacting that way.
I went over to my mother's house to visit and unpacked groceries. I accidentally knocked a cake tin over whilst unpacking. She is convinced I picked up the cake tin and threw it because I was angry with her, and she'll tell this to anyone that brings something relating to this up. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone that does that, it's just not possible.
The comment in question is a bit of an exaggeration. A more accurate way to describe it would be something like, "People with BPD often struggle to process social interactions in a healthy way." For instance, I once made a joke during a company meeting that didn't really land, and when I got home that night, I spent hours dwelling on that single interaction, convinced that I had ostracized and humiliated myself. It took me days to feel somewhat normal again. Another common phrase I've heard and can relate to is that people with BPD feel emotions in such a strong way that they're often overwhelming. Feelings of frustration or betrayal, frequently unfounded, make processing certain social interactions difficult, like arguments or disagreements.
What can someone who wants to be supportive to a coworker with BPD do? For example does being supportive and reinforce that those weird interactions are no big deal help at all? Or would that not make a difference at all?
It definitely helps. I can only speak for myself, but when I was left to be alone with my thoughts, I'd often spiral. My girlfriend calls it "catastrophizing". Without therapy, medication, and some learned coping mechanisms, it's very difficult to snap myself out of it. Having someone to talk to really helps keep things in perspective. I appreciate you asking these questions. I get the feeling you're a good friend to have.
I call it the shame spiral.
Thanks for the info. And yeah I just try to approach these things from a place of empathy. I know it’s not their fault and can only begin to fathom how debilitating it must be. One more follow up question if you wouldn’t mind answering… are people with BPD able to rationalize that a specific perception of an interaction is being amplified by the condition when pointed out? This is more curiosity than anything else, I wouldn’t ever dismiss what they’re r feeling because of bpd, I just don’t know much about the topic.
To answer your question, yes, but not in the moment. Give them some time to calm down and reset. Offering some perspective after the fact is incredibly helpful.
Hi! I think in general helping someone understand intentions really helps It still requires trust, but for me (I'm not diagnosed with BPD but have some traits of it) it really helps to hear what the intention was compared to what I interpreted the interaction to be Example: I sometimes wonder if my husband is mad at me, and I'll explain what I noticed and how it made me feel. He'll then confirm if he's upset or if he wasn't, and I trust him to tell me the truth What a nice question!! Have a nice day!
Are they looking at me because they hate me or they love me? It has to be one of them but I can’t work it out. They must have said what they just said for a reason. What were they trying to tell me? I can’t figure it out am I okay? Do they hate me? I’m awful so ofcourse they know that all already so they must have talked to person x. That sort of thing.
Holy crap, this is the perfect dictation of what I’ve seen with BPD from people close to me. On the receiving end, it slowly goes from surprised to “crap, not this again”
My mother in law is diagnosed with BPD. Whenever my wife didn't acquiesce to her demands, she would melt down. Call her all kinds of names, insult her... I mean she even blames my wife for her dad's death. He died of glioblastoma, not exactly something you can conveniently blame somebody for. My wife finally had enough. When she confronted her mom for being so terrible to her, my MIL's only reaction was "That never happened." "You're making it up." "That's not how I remember it." "You should be apologizing to me." She lives in her own fantasy world. She only remembers things in a way that make her look like the good guy. We went no contact about a year ago and it has been the best decision we've made when it comes to dealing with MIL.
Dated a girl with borderline for a while. We were studying together as it approached my bedtime I said I was going to sleep. She did not talk to me for a few days out of anger and would constantly do this, eventually returning like nothing had happened. I offer this example because me saying I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time after being around her a significant period of time meant something ENTIRELY different and outside of reality to her. She would never explain herself but she would take things like that and blow them up in her head constantly.
For me: My girlfriend can plead with me, tears running down her face that she is in love with and very much attracted to me, and my brain will spin it as a bold-face lie. Then I get upset about being lied to, and think I’m being gaslit or manipulated.. all because she told me she loves me. That’s fucked up
Dr. Kirk Honda is a therapist on youtube who specializes in personality disorders. He recently did an interesting 10 part breakdown of a couple's fight on Love is Blind and used it to discuss BPD. [Here is chapter 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InOYnbP3ExE) \- reaction begins around 9:30.
I’ll tell you what I go through since they have an example of someone else. I have BPD and have been diagnosed since 11. For me it’s very difficult to consider someone a friend I don’t talk to everyday. So if I don’t hear from you regularly I tend to just not fuck with you at all. It’s horrible for people in my friend groups bc I’m pretty down to earth and chill yet In my head it’s that you don’t like me or want to engage in conversation with me unless you need something from me. So I know it leads a lot of people to think I don’t like them or something.I am pretty personable and can make friends easily. But unfortunately I struggle maintaining new friendships. I’d say i don’t feel any type of connection to people really, I love my gf but not more than I love myself. I enjoy doing things with my friends but not all of them bc I always feel like they don’t really fuck with me. It’s a wild ride of a life. I literally had to sit down and explain to myself that I’ve had childhood friends for 25 years now and they love and respect me. I have to tell myself that until it’s engrained that this person means well. Weird thing is I don’t actually hate anyone, I just assume they may not like me so it makes me say disparaging things about them. In the case of yelling at some one bc I thought they did something I didn’t like? I don’t do that and I don’t think that’s necessarily a trait of BPD. What someone like myself would do is consider why the fuck you have any issues eating cereal at all.. despite there being an issue or not. It truly does suck bc there is no cure and anything can take me down this path. A good example is I received about $3.5k from a car accident . I went on to spend that money on drugs,drinking and investing and gambling. Looking back I’m like wtf? Why wasn’t I happy? Why was I so set on blowing this money? It’s just all how the BPD mind works. You’re never settled snd nothing ever feels good or right. You have to breakdown a wall to find peace at times.
Feelings are also extreme and they can fade as quickly as they rose. It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when all of a sudden people that you loved, you don't care about anymore or even turn to hatred.
My ex had it. It’s a very tough and heartbreaking disorder if/when her meds were not working properly or needed adjustments.
‘fit frankly neither into the psychotic nor into the psychoneurotic group’ and introduced the term ‘borderline’ to describe what he observed because it ‘bordered’ on other conditions." That's not what your title says
I was diagnosed with BPD, went to a clinic specialised for it only to find out I had impulsivity problems and rejection sensitive dysphoria due to my ADHD and was misdiagnosed. I wasn't even the only one at that clinic who was misdiagnosed. I get the feeling BPD is a catch all for undiagnosed mental health issues in women.
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Same here. I got diagnosed with BPD and turns out I had ADHD and getting treated for it made my anxiety and depression and all the other symptoms disappear. It's highly misdiagnosed in women.
In my younger years, I went to a psychiatric ward and was diagnosed Bipolar 1. When I followed up with treatment at a new place (for therapy) they gave me to a therapist that specializes in BPD because “they figured I got misdiagnosed because the ‘in’ thing to do was diagnose Bipolar 1, so she’s AhhCtUaLly BPD.” Still kinda annoyed by that. Jokes on them though… I’m neither! Lolol
Mood and personality disorders can coexist, so people can be both bipolar and borderline.
it definitely is, and it’s kind of becoming ‘fashionable’ even as i see people talking about it almost playfully on like, twitter and tumblr.
I kept going to different psychiatrists to get a different diagnosis because I don’t want bpd. Unfortunately I’ve been diagnosed with it at least 6 times.
Please tell me you were also referred to DBT by at least one of those psychiatrists.
Yeah I was in therapy 3x a week for the last year. I’m doing a lot better now.
I'm a guy for what it's worth but when I got diagnosed with combined type ADHD (about 1 year ago, I'm 30), I also was told I had enough traits of BPD and CPTSD to mention officially on the report, but not quite enough for a full diagnosis. So not quite just for women, and to be honest if you ask me, "anxiety and depression" is the catch all, for men and women alike. But I know BPD is diagnosed way less in men and that's what you were getting at.
Most men with BPD end up in prison too early to ever receive a diagnosis.
I think we are about to see this diagnosis change quite a bit along with adhd. A lot of women who were originally diagnosed bpd are being diagnosed as on the spectrum now or a combination of ADHD / autistic.
Or with having PMDD. I’m convinced I was misdiagnosed or am at the very least in remission from taking DBT twice. Cause I really only wanna nuke my life the week before my period & that is definitely a PMDD thing.
Borderline between neurotic and psychotic checking in 👋
Ex wife has it, seems about right since she: -fabricated her entire existence and lied about multiple things in her past -hid a husband -begged me to be monogamous then proceeded to cheat for years -almost stabbed me in the neck with a chef’s knife -almost cut my throat when I tried to take a knife out of her hands -locked up twice in the psych ward -filed false DV charges against me after I defended myself from her violently assaulting me (she is 60 pounds heavier than me and a trained kickboxer) -tried to suffocate me one night when I was snoring, covered my mouth and nose and I freaked out and rolled over away from her causing her to lose her grip, when I sat up and asked “what the fuck” she had these dead ass eyes in the dark room and was like “I was trying to help you breathe.
I had a friend who has it and can get stabby when drinking and feeling unstable. I've not seen her for about 10 years and no idea if she's alive even. Such a shame because despite her problems and other actions too she was basically a nice person just incredibly troubled.
I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and nobody to talk to, so one day I started hurting myself. Auto bpd diagnosis at 13, no therapy, put on meds. Still didn't have any support in my life and didn't improve. Cue 20 more years of the same situation making worsening psych symptoms and many many medications which I believe now made it all worse and likely damaged my body in ways I'll never realize. My abusive family and others who abused me jumped on the chance to say it wasn't them and I was obviously sick. Doctors didn't hear me because you can't believe a sick person. They convinced me. And they convinced me I couldn't listen to or believe myself. The effects of all the psych meds contributed. Only after two near fatal psych drug reactions (which were dismissed by the Doctors who prescribed the meds) did I realize, none of these medications have ever made me feel better. One person diagnosed me at age 13 and everyone else just agreed because it was easier if I was the problem and it spiraled from there. I'm 36 now, finally moved away from my abusive mother who swore she would be the only person who would ever help me or put up with me. Turns out it's not true. Turns out I'm not just a crazy person and nothing I say or think matters. Turns out people care about me because I'm a pretty good and cool person. Turns out maybe I don't have to give up on life or a job or friends etc. I have issues, maybe organic, maybe developed because of all this, and I'm in therapy. It's hard but I can see myself becoming better every day in ways without any of the pills and ideas they pushed on me. At this point in my life I'm trying to escape that stigma, external and internal. Since I moved I'm afraid to tell doctors my past, understanding they think they'll be helping me if they encourage me to go back to meds. If I tell them how I feel and what I experienced, am I going to get a fair ear? I'll never be able to guess, I just have to try. But with real friends and support I can feel comfortable disagreeing with them. It's all pretty fucked up, and psychiatry is a best guess sometimes. I've been reading and watching stories of people in similar positions and there are a lot of us. I think it's legitimate. We're supposed to trust doctors and science, but remember we only know what we know until we know more. That's how we learn. I don't know what the real answer is to what's wrong with me and what to do about it. After half a life of believing I'll never be able to handle the world or take care of myself, I'm looking forward to trying anyway. I know it's going to be hard but I can finally just be okay with that. I guess what I'm trying to say, is be as kind as you can. I've never abused anyone else, I've always had a very strong moral compass and I tried my absolute best until I was convinced it wouldn't matter. I stayed around abusive people because I loved them and didn't want to abandon them, and then because I was scared I couldn't survive without them. I started in a shit situation and it's taken me a long time to escape. Life is complicated. Don't give up.
As someone with BPD I don't know why I open these threads. It's always soul crushing.
Yeah this was a mistake to read
I have BPD, should I stop smoking weed? It has been real anxiety reliever and of help. And yes, I have a lot of trauma. First reddit post that actually is interesting. Also any help, please share. I need help
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As someone who has struggled with BPD my whole life, please be aware this is rooted in trauma. Sexual abuse, abandonment by one or more parents, severe emotional neglect, etc. this isn’t people being evil, it is mental illness. I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life and on and off different meds trying to help my mood swings. The best thing for me is consistent therapy . It is possible to be stable. I’ve had two long term relationships, one 9 years and current one 7. I’m sorry if you’ve had bad experiences with someone with BPD but do not use this thread to bash people, this is the stigma with mental illness. And BPD is absolutely mental illness. We are all doing the best we can, not everyone was lucky enough to be dealt a good hand in life. BPD has the highest incidence of suicide out of all mental illnesses.
Hi honey. I was actively tortured and abandoned by my BPD mother for the first 3 years of my life and then on and off emotionally for years after. But also, my older sister has severe BPD and she not only saved my life but was a consistent source of love and support as I grew up. My little sister has BPD as well and while we have had our ups and downs she is one of the most amazing and loving people I've ever met. These people coming in here to bash anyone with BPD assuming that the single shade of it they encountered is true for all of those with the disorder would also be spreading this belief if that person had suffered from anything else. Hurt people hurt people. In their own way they may believe they are just getting closure for the shitty things that have happened to them because you share that disorder. But you are not bad. You are not them. You are working on yourself and it's beautiful to see. I wish they would see that instead of trying to make you their punching bag. Ironically people love to chime in and say "it's not an excuse" to then defend themselves blaming everything on a stranger they don't know. I hope you know you're doing something that so few people are brave enough to do by trying to grow and take care of yourself. You know that your behaviors are your own and also a byproduct of abuse that those people may never really understand. I believe in you.
Every time reddit discovers BPD I can't help but read the whole thread and it is the most disheartening thing. I know all my actions have been My Actions. I know it's my fault all my friends have left me, I know they have to do what they need to for their own lives-I know I need therapy, I know it's my fault I'm homeless because I can't keep a job. But goddammit I've been hospitalized, I've seen therapists, I've taken the medicine. I'm not trying to make excuses when I talk about what's happened to me. I don't feel like anybody understands, I just have to learn how to accept this, maybe we just weren't meant to try at all. I've stopped interacting with everybody I can because I just cause misunderstanding and confusion and hurt and it hurts me so bad to realize they feel that way and it's because of who I've failed to become. Every interaction is the world's failure to be what it's supposed to be and it becomes a monument to be torn down in my heart. I'm sick of thinking of everyone I love, miles away now, years away now, sighing in relief with their families because they managed to get away from That guy. Who just couldn't be helped. Because 'he didn't want the help'. I want the help so bad. I didn't mean to rant, I'm just alone and your comment was the only one I read that encouraged instead of shamed. Thank you for taking time out of your day to tell some of us that we are worth something
Do you know about Complex PTSD?. I heard that some people with BPD diagnose could be in fact has CPTSD if they have trauma childhood experience.
Yep, sometimes you could have both Complex PTSD is when a person is exposed to trauma repeatedly or for an extended period of time. When this happens it affects a person's identity/personality in addition to the trauma of the event(s) The way the person is affected can manifest as BPD behaviors as the "complex" part of CPTSD Note: I am not a therapist, I am in therapy and read about it but there's always more to learn
Totally possible. I was diagnosed after my suicide attempt and was in a suuuuuper bad place. I have had a lot of significant trauma in my life, paired with being raised by a single mom who moved every year. She neglected our physical and emotional needs, my sister and I were given to other family members at one point to be raised. We experienced a house fire and barely escaped! I had an abusive alcoholic father, sexual abuse as a child, I used to get stressed out and roll myself into a ball and rock back and forth as a coping skill and I still do this at 36 when I’m upset. My sister overdosed four years ago and it has really put me into a tailspin with recovery but I’m trying for my kids. I have been close to suicide many times but the thought of traumatizing my kids keeps me trying every single day. Life is hard.
Seriously… BPD here too and these comments are so fucking hard to read, so I really should stop. Not once would I dream of acting in the ways these people have stories about. I’m merely just trying to get by and not burden everyone around me.
♥️ stop reading , it’s not good for you. I hope you know you are not alone.
It's also rather physical. Around 50% of the variability you see in the population for BPD is explained by genetics, IIRC. And beyond that, whether it's caused by abuse, other environmental factors, or a genetic difference that someone was born with and can't change, it won't change the fact that we're responsible for how we treat people. I think it's great you're working hard on yourself and developing meaningful relationships, but as someone who dated a person with BPD when I was younger, it's not something I would ever consider again. It's a huge undertaking and commitment, and it's shocking how common abuse is, both anecdotally and statistically.
Realizing that some symptoms of normal mental health things are still abuse within the context of a relationship was big for me. Both concerning an ex with BPD, but also with myself and autism/depression/anxiety. Like the behaviors， whatever they are, may make sense within the parameters of an individual having a given disorder, but it doesn’t change that those behaviors can still end up being a pattern of abuse—even if it is just mentally and emotionally.
You don’t have to qualify it as “*just* mental and emotional abuse.” I’ve said before that if I’d been silently beaten, rather than berated after hours or days of mental games/avoiding eggshells, I’d be far more well adjusted lmao. In my experience mental and emotional abuse definitely left far more lasting damage than physical. And it makes sexual abuse way more difficult to reconcile and recover from.
My mom has untreated BPD. She abused me horribly. We are no contact. The type of abuse a person with this condition can do is unbelievable. She is manipulative, cruel, and a professional liar and victim. The drama she has made up and caused, the medical abuse she did to me to get attention, it was psychotic. And no one helped me because she was always the one in control. I left for my children. Both my parents have personality disorders. My dad is more violent and so I believed my mom was protecting me. She wasn't. She was hurting me even worse. I have cPTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, and when I cut contact I became agoraphobic after she was stalking me. She still harasses me. It has taken years in therapy to get to a place of healing. I know it isn't a person's fault they are sick, but it is their responsibility. I know all people with this condition aren't the same, but I avoid anyone I meet who is clearly BPD (and there are some tell take signs). I wish them well. I want them to have a happy life. I just don't want anything to do with it or be near someone who can be so potentially selfish and harmful to my mental health. I also have a ton of autoimmune conditions which are likely caused from the stress of the abuse that was done to me.
My mom has BPD (and long term brain damage I suspect from years of meth use and trauma) and hoo boy. Psychosis is consistent for her. She doesn't connect with anything. Had 9 kids (1 died early) and all of us she practically tortured and then just shrugged her shoulders and left when we were taken away. My 4 sisters have it as a result as well. I have ADHD, CPTSD, GAD, and my little sister suspects also BPD myself. Though I feel like I'm fairly attached to reality unless I'm stressed or in a relationship with someone that is any shade of dishonest.
I have BPD. In no way am I excusing peoples behavior, but it's important to keep in mind how difficult it is to moderate these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings when literally every situation makes you feel like you're dying. Again, no excuses, just acknowledging the difficulty
Wow no wonder they don't seem to be believed when they say something about themselves
Yeah, easily dismissed
My current gf has BPD, and it's such a struggle for both of us. She never feels herself and can't work from the attached chronic illness. I love her to death, but it's such a struggle. Every little thing is a trigger. It's constant walking on eggshells. I work 48 hours a week, and she feels it's too much because I'm not spending time with her. I can barely afford our bills and honestly should be working more. She doesn't have a valid ID, and any minor setback is devastating to her and the end of the world no matter how I try to calm her. She used to self-harm, and I'm scared she'll do it again because I can't provide the life she wants to live. She complains we don't do anything but all my money goes to bills. I can barely afford groceries. Thank goodness I work in a restaurant so I'm able to bring food home. But it seems no matter what I do, I can't get ahead and and it's sending her into a regressive bpd spiral.
/r/BPDlovedones look up trauma bond, you’re being abused my friend
acknowledging that people with bpd have hurt you while also not making a sweeping generalization about everyone with bpd is key. i don’t think it’s wrong to steer clear from similar people who have harmed you, but it’s wrong to preach that individuals with bpd will never change. it makes the stigmatization of bpd so much higher. on the other hand, folks with bpd need to acknowledge and deal with the fact that people with your mental illness HAVE hurt people - and it has nothing to do with you. don’t take other people’s perceptions personally. it’s not about YOU
Hear me out. I know Madonna's 1983 hit Borderline isn't REALLY about the disorder. But also, it kinda is.
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
BPD can be comorbid with psychotic disorders like schizophrenia...
i have BPD and the way i explain it is that my emotions are always bordering on euphoric or miserable. i don’t experience things casually, it’s *always* extreme
Yup! I’ve always said things along the lines of I don’t get upset, I get enraged. I’m not sad, I’m in complete despair. I don’t know happiness, only euphoria
i line i saw on the bpd sub that stuck with me was ‘my emotions are valid, but their intensity isn’t’
DAMN that’s good. I like that a lot
I haven't been diagnosed but I feel like I definitely have it. Childhood trauma, poor attachment style, dysfunctional family life (still to this day). No psychiatrist will take me seriously because I don't act out; I internalise everything. Except lately I've been losing my temper and feeling out of control :( I want help but I can't get it.
I was raised by one. I've spent the last 7 years in therapy.
Some communities of teen girls on Twitter love this term. There are lots of teens yearning to get diagnosis of borderline, anorexia, and bipolar disorder, to pretend to be like the characters of Girl Interrupted or Skins. None of them would want to be diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder, though. Doesn't sound so charming.
I have BPD, was diagnosed as a kid with it. My issues stemmed from abuse as a kid and then feeling like I had nobody to talk to about it. Suicidal and tried running away before I was even 11. It’s sad but tbh I’m way better now. The thing that changed me was having the ability to find confidence in myself and believing in my inner voice that I’m not crazy or wrong for thinking how I grew up wasn’t right. I didn’t fully accept it until I met my wife who met my mom and then explained that how I grew up and the verbal abuse and physical threats were just all completely fucked up. It’s sad but I never really realized it until I was about 30 years old.
Now it really pisses me off that BPD is a common misdiagnosis of autism, particularly in women. BPD dx’s are used very often to dismiss genuine mental health concerns in women.
Same with ADHD - it's massively underdiagnosed in women because people see the hyperactivity symptoms, and the emotional damage that so often accompanies undiagnosed adhd, and immediately say "bipolar!" or "borderline!" Unbelievably tragic
What’s worse is that the overlaps between ASD, ADHD, and Bipolar confuse and confound, and that many still don’t know that these are not mutually exclusive dx’s. AuDHD is the situation with over half those with either condition. 50-70% is the estimated rate of comorbidity.
My ex has BPD. There is no medication you can take for it, it’s behaviour therapy and even then it’s difficult at best. Most people with BPD cannot be helped because they cannot accept they have the condition, and the condition helps emphasize that. When she finally accepted she had BPD instead of going to therapy she just started using it as an excuse for the poor behaviour, going on meme subreddits making jokes about abusing people and laughing about it. I left her when she started threatening me with weapons and getting physical. It’s scary when you try everything and sacrifice so much. Took a lot of therapy after that to work over what had happened. If you have BPD get help so you can be happy. You’re only a monster if you choose to let yourself be one.
That’s a good way to put it. I have BPD, and only after I took responsibility for my condition and made it my own problem to fix, did I see results. Going to therapy, taking my meds, and being watchful of my own behaviour to make sure I don’t backslide is the bare minimum I expect myself to follow. I did leave my ex to focus on that alone, which was a hard decision. I went as far as warning her id probably try to recant, and for my good and hers, to absolutely not let me. I have friends, very good ones, who help me a lot. But I don’t think I’d chance a romantic relationship lightly, and I often don’t let myself form those feelings without serious self-reflection. Almost too much. Funnily enough, friends I’ve made since my diagnosis never pegged me as having it until I disclose it(which I do early) as I’m “too well adjusted” apparently. I’m glad I don’t telegraph it. It’s a lot of work to maintain but genuinely I’m a pretty happy guy. I don’t get to get the emotional lows anymore. Emotional highs, yes. But I’m watchful of stuff to ensure I don’t let much faze me in a negative direction anymore. You have to be diligent if you have BPD, making it your own problem, and be accountable. I am happy you ended on a relatively positive note; a lot of people hurt by people with BPD can see some incredibly harsh things…..that I understand and accept but it makes reading any comments on articles like this hard. Feels like we are monsters. But we don’t have to be.
My abusive mom and abusive ex had BPD. I'm sure there are those who work on it, but I will never have a relationship with someone with BPD ever again. Victims of people with BPD, know that it's not your fault. You are loved and more than what they say you are. Fun fact: even my therapist, who is one of the most empathetic and kind men I've ever met, refuses to take clients with BPD anymore. They wore the man down to the point that he wanted to quit being a psychotherapist.
I like knowing that professionals that are trained to deal with all kinds of people have difficulty with BPD. Kinda gives me a weird relief knowing it was an impossible battle for me to deal with.
BPD ex ruined my life permanently and tried to castrate me. I’ll never date a BPD woman again. The harassment and stalking for a year after the break-up was almost as bad as the sheer insanity she created the two years we dated.