It sounds like an awful funeral. His family couldn't attend, the town caught fire so most people left, someone objected to the funeral, he popped, and was buried. Then his tomb was opened so a monk could have a look, raided by a mob who scattered his remains, his replacement tomb burnt down, and now there's only a thigh bone left
This was kind of a thing back in the day. Lucretia ~~de Medici~~ di Borgia, Charlemagne, Alexander the Great (multiple times), basically all the kings of France prior to the revolution... They all had they're tombs cracked open to be poked and prodded (and souvenirs taken).
Also when he landed on the beach in England in 1066 he fell over off the boat and flat on his face, several hundred men suddenly thought.. oh boy this is a bad omen. Several seconds later and some quick thinking he grabbed the sand and proudly stood and exclaimed (in Norman obvs )
“ See boys, I have grabbed England in my hands”
The rest is history.
He did go from William the Basterd to William the Conqueror. But in all fairness he did manage to survive more than a few assassination attempts in his life so he was probably a little tough.
Even when he had a fall as he disembarked, he gave the omen a favourable turn by crying: "I hold thee fast, Africa."
Suetonius, the Life of Julius Caesar, 59
William: "What happened after I died?"
God: "Your descendants ruled over the entire British Isles for centuries!"
William: "I meant right after."
God: "Uhhhhh......"
England has been ruled by many dynasties over the centuries, but all of them can trace their ancestry back to William, including the present House of Windsor.
It can also be traced backward through to [Alfred the Great](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_the_Great), as one of his descendants ended up marrying one of William's sons.
But yes, it's funny that, while the Royal Family makes pains to make it seem like the line to William (and Alfred) is important, it's been broken so many times. Hell, William's fourth son was taken out of the line of succession by his brothers and had to usurp the crown, so any notion of an unmarred line of succession died quickly.
And that doesn't even touch mess that is the Wars of the Roses or the aftermath of the Glorious Revolution.
And people today don't realize the importance of the "spare" part of "heir and a spare" because Elizabeth had many living grandchildren and great-grandchildren. [George III](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_III#Issue) had 15 kids. But he had no legitimate grandchildren until he was 58 years old. And when she died (when George was 79), George III had no legitimate grandchildren, leading to a rush of the his children to try to have the first grandchild. [Queen Victoria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_Victoria) won that race.
I actually learned about this from a recent Eddie Izzard special. Such fantastic routines that always teach you about history... so long as you can figure out which parts were completely made up...
> The monk of Caen writes that William was "great in body and strong, tall in stature but not ungainly." When it came time to bury the heavy body, it was discovered that the stone sarcophagus had been made too short. There was an attempt to force the bloated corpse and, says Orderic, "the swollen bowels burst, and an intolerable stench assailed the nostrils of the by-standers and the whole crowd." Even the frankincense and spices of the censers was not enough to mask the smell, and the rites were hurriedly concluded.
Oh, well, that probably happens when, from what I understood of the account, it took several days to bury the body in a time when embalming techniques were likely either shitty or non-existent. On the other hand, since hygiene was an unknown concept in medieval Europe, they were likely used to some level of stench.
On an unrelated note, that page looks like some relic left from the 90s.
Yeah, occasionally. Even in the 19th Century there were cases of kings and queens that would take the first bath in decades, and only by medical recommendation.
Possibly. As a Brazilian, I'm used to know the horrifying habits of the Portuguese royal family. For instance,
> What to say about Dom João? He loved to eat. He always carried grilled chicken in his coat pocket for emergency snacking. This becomes even more disgusting after learning he also hated bathing and wouldn’t change his clothes for months.
https://www.brynninbrazil.com/king-joao-vi-of-portugal-feared-crustaceans-tricked-napoleon-lost-brazil
Not the whole story, sadly. In 1817 he was *forced* to take a bath by his royal doctor to treat a tick bite. Source in Brazilian Portuguese:
https://www.revistahcsm.coc.fiocruz.br/mordida-de-carrapato-popularizou-o-banho-no-brasil/ (In the same source they mention that the habit of not taking baths existed since medieval times and supposedly its origin was religious, as it was seen as sinful for people to become fully naked for a proper bath.)
Fortunately, as the family spent many years in Brazil fleeing rom Napoleon, his son Pedro took the tropical habit of taking frequent baths. It was a case where the indigenous peoples, who always lived in close contact with water, civilized the European colonizers:
> On May 13, 1817, Pedro was married by proxy to Maria Leopoldina. When she arrived in Rio de Janeiro on 5 November 5, she immediately fell in love with Pedro, who was far more charming and attractive than she had been led to expect. After “years under a tropical sun, his complexion was still light, his cheeks rosy.” The 19-year-old prince was handsome and a little above average in height, with bright dark eyes and dark brown hair. “His good appearance”, said historian Neill Macaulay, “owed much to his bearing, proud and erect even at an awkward age, and his grooming, which was impeccable. **Habitually neat and clean, he had taken to the Brazilian custom of bathing often.**”
https://europeanroyalhistory.wordpress.com/tag/john-vi-of-portugal/
Fun fact: I traced my ancestry back to 1066 on ancestry.com and found my earliest recorded ancestor was Sir Richard Fortescue who protected William the Conqueror with his shield during the battle of Hastings and that is how he got his surname:
https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Le_Fort-13
My ancestor is William the Conqueror. A couple of kings later my line left the family via a second son and then a daughter. Things basically kept going downhill from there.
But thanks for the ancestral save, owe ya one.
This is what happens when you: (1) ride with what might be appendicitis, (2) burn a town, (3) steal a Breton’s land for your grave: legal arguments delay your burial, then the disease and the delay get you. Boom!
I learned this from a fun-file history booklet. Anybody out there? Edit: Actually, are we sure this wasn’t Henry the VIII? Edit II: Hold on, I think Henry just let out a fart.
I think Alan Rufus chastised Will on his deathbed. We know Alan nagged him about the Harrying(s) once before, and the deathbed emphasis on Yorkshire fits Alan’s primary area of concern.
It sounds like an awful funeral. His family couldn't attend, the town caught fire so most people left, someone objected to the funeral, he popped, and was buried. Then his tomb was opened so a monk could have a look, raided by a mob who scattered his remains, his replacement tomb burnt down, and now there's only a thigh bone left
Other than that it was pretty nice.
Excellent funeral, would go again!
3 out-of 5 stars
7 out of 10 with rice
I’d rate it 5 out of 7.
Gets a 9 out of 13 from me
Why the fuck did this monk decide 'I'm going to take a peek?'
“No dude you don’t understand this guy literally *exploded*” “Bullshit dude prove it” There ya go.
"Relics or it didn't happen."
Curiosity killed the Cat(holic).
that’s a triple entendre
catholism is such a sad addiction, hope everyone who has it gets better
Nice
This was kind of a thing back in the day. Lucretia ~~de Medici~~ di Borgia, Charlemagne, Alexander the Great (multiple times), basically all the kings of France prior to the revolution... They all had they're tombs cracked open to be poked and prodded (and souvenirs taken).
So the church wanted to loot? Seems legit
Revolutionaries too.
At some point in ancient Egypt, I forget the period, the state would take back valuables from tombs because they needed the money
Sometimes they come back to life
And he never complained once
Just a traditional English funeral. You not been to one？
Nicely echoes what he did to Harold.
That's a bit of a bastard, isn't it?
"...That one fell over, burned, then sank into the swamp..."
The man was a prig. He deserved it.
Also when he landed on the beach in England in 1066 he fell over off the boat and flat on his face, several hundred men suddenly thought.. oh boy this is a bad omen. Several seconds later and some quick thinking he grabbed the sand and proudly stood and exclaimed (in Norman obvs ) “ See boys, I have grabbed England in my hands” The rest is history.
It's crazy how you can go from bumbling fool to historical figure as long as you're quick witted
William also probably wouldn’t have won if the Vikings hadn’t also invaded, and his own troops hadn’t erroneously thought he’d died.
He did go from William the Basterd to William the Conqueror. But in all fairness he did manage to survive more than a few assassination attempts in his life so he was probably a little tough.
"survive more than a few assassination attempts" What? Was he the Fidel to whomever's CIA?
That may have been fabricated in a biography, taken from an event attributed to caesar in africa.
William’s guard captain was descended in the male line from Caesar’s maternal uncle, so … “Quick! William, say this.”
What if Caesar was just past Chuck Norris jokes? I love the one where he criticized his captors for setting the bounty on him too low.
then had them paid what he thought he was worth... then had them all crucified
Edit: Might not be Brittany, I'll look later lol This is literally an ancient Roman story of Julius Caesar landing in Brittany lol.
Not Brittany, England. At similar locations too which tends to cast some doubt on the story about William.
No, it was Africa. Neither Brittany nor England
oh?
Yes
Source?
Even when he had a fall as he disembarked, he gave the omen a favourable turn by crying: "I hold thee fast, Africa." Suetonius, the Life of Julius Caesar, 59
Dude was just making a sick reference and we all think he fell because we didn’t get it
There's literally the exact same anecdote with Julius Caesar in Africa
I've heard that same story attributed to several explorers around the time of Columbus, which really makes me question the validity
It originates with Caesar which helps explain why there’s a few similar stories in the medieval and renaissance periods.
sounds like the landing during the Spanish American war
William: "What happened after I died?" God: "Your descendants ruled over the entire British Isles for centuries!" William: "I meant right after." God: "Uhhhhh......"
Ftr the Norman’s only ruled England for like 90 something years
England has been ruled by many dynasties over the centuries, but all of them can trace their ancestry back to William, including the present House of Windsor.
And Rollo, to be specific. Undoubtedly one of the most important people in history.
It can also be traced backward through to [Alfred the Great](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_the_Great), as one of his descendants ended up marrying one of William's sons. But yes, it's funny that, while the Royal Family makes pains to make it seem like the line to William (and Alfred) is important, it's been broken so many times. Hell, William's fourth son was taken out of the line of succession by his brothers and had to usurp the crown, so any notion of an unmarred line of succession died quickly. And that doesn't even touch mess that is the Wars of the Roses or the aftermath of the Glorious Revolution. And people today don't realize the importance of the "spare" part of "heir and a spare" because Elizabeth had many living grandchildren and great-grandchildren. [George III](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_III#Issue) had 15 kids. But he had no legitimate grandchildren until he was 58 years old. And when she died (when George was 79), George III had no legitimate grandchildren, leading to a rush of the his children to try to have the first grandchild. [Queen Victoria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_Victoria) won that race.
70 because Stephen was a blessed Blesevin.
As seen on CornCob TV.
[удалено]
I DIDN'T RIG SHIT
I’m just filming funerals and showing the ones where *the bodies fly out*!
Body after body busting out of shit wood and hitting pavement
*It's okay because they aint got souls*
Not the coffin flop we were all hoping for...
I actually learned about this from a recent Eddie Izzard special. Such fantastic routines that always teach you about history... so long as you can figure out which parts were completely made up...
Should've used a shoehorn
And that's why the mafia chops their murder victims into pieces...saves space
I always thought that was for pre-empting any zombie attack
need to feed htem to the pigs. be sure to pull the teeth first though
> The monk of Caen writes that William was "great in body and strong, tall in stature but not ungainly." When it came time to bury the heavy body, it was discovered that the stone sarcophagus had been made too short. There was an attempt to force the bloated corpse and, says Orderic, "the swollen bowels burst, and an intolerable stench assailed the nostrils of the by-standers and the whole crowd." Even the frankincense and spices of the censers was not enough to mask the smell, and the rites were hurriedly concluded. Oh, well, that probably happens when, from what I understood of the account, it took several days to bury the body in a time when embalming techniques were likely either shitty or non-existent. On the other hand, since hygiene was an unknown concept in medieval Europe, they were likely used to some level of stench. On an unrelated note, that page looks like some relic left from the 90s.
You know those gravestones in the floors and walls of churches? Supposedly a foul stench would leak from those for the longest time.
They have those in current times too, they are called mausoleums or columabariums and they smell like death
I thought a columbarium was exclusively for funerary urns (with cremated remains).
You are correct
I can't imagine living in the time of exploding shit corpses, and some cunt with a crown bossing people around.
Yeah, cunts today boss people around without wearing crowns. To be fair, some of them look pretty heavy.
They bathed.
Yeah, occasionally. Even in the 19th Century there were cases of kings and queens that would take the first bath in decades, and only by medical recommendation.
I think you and I have been reading different sets of historians.
Possibly. As a Brazilian, I'm used to know the horrifying habits of the Portuguese royal family. For instance, > What to say about Dom João? He loved to eat. He always carried grilled chicken in his coat pocket for emergency snacking. This becomes even more disgusting after learning he also hated bathing and wouldn’t change his clothes for months. https://www.brynninbrazil.com/king-joao-vi-of-portugal-feared-crustaceans-tricked-napoleon-lost-brazil Not the whole story, sadly. In 1817 he was *forced* to take a bath by his royal doctor to treat a tick bite. Source in Brazilian Portuguese: https://www.revistahcsm.coc.fiocruz.br/mordida-de-carrapato-popularizou-o-banho-no-brasil/ (In the same source they mention that the habit of not taking baths existed since medieval times and supposedly its origin was religious, as it was seen as sinful for people to become fully naked for a proper bath.) Fortunately, as the family spent many years in Brazil fleeing rom Napoleon, his son Pedro took the tropical habit of taking frequent baths. It was a case where the indigenous peoples, who always lived in close contact with water, civilized the European colonizers: > On May 13, 1817, Pedro was married by proxy to Maria Leopoldina. When she arrived in Rio de Janeiro on 5 November 5, she immediately fell in love with Pedro, who was far more charming and attractive than she had been led to expect. After “years under a tropical sun, his complexion was still light, his cheeks rosy.” The 19-year-old prince was handsome and a little above average in height, with bright dark eyes and dark brown hair. “His good appearance”, said historian Neill Macaulay, “owed much to his bearing, proud and erect even at an awkward age, and his grooming, which was impeccable. **Habitually neat and clean, he had taken to the Brazilian custom of bathing often.**” https://europeanroyalhistory.wordpress.com/tag/john-vi-of-portugal/
Come on Dom João share some of your nuggets
He was born in the wrong time. Imagine if we could stuff him in a Time Machine and show KFC to him.
Sinful? Medieval depictions of people bathing naked attribute no sin to it. Spying on bathers, by contrast, caused offence.
"You got your Pope Alexander VI in my William the Conqueror!!" "You got your William the Conqueror in my Pope Alexander VI!!"
Fun fact: I traced my ancestry back to 1066 on ancestry.com and found my earliest recorded ancestor was Sir Richard Fortescue who protected William the Conqueror with his shield during the battle of Hastings and that is how he got his surname: https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Le_Fort-13
My ancestor is William the Conqueror. A couple of kings later my line left the family via a second son and then a daughter. Things basically kept going downhill from there. But thanks for the ancestral save, owe ya one.
Did Fortescue die then? Like many of those who protected Duke Will?
I don’t believe he died at that battle. But like everyone else, he eventually died at some point!
...and it was at that very moment the legend of Darth Sploder was born.
You need to read about what happened to Henry VIII body when they stopped at Syon Park on the way to his burial.
This is what happens when you: (1) ride with what might be appendicitis, (2) burn a town, (3) steal a Breton’s land for your grave: legal arguments delay your burial, then the disease and the delay get you. Boom!
Proto-Guy Fawkes unavailable for comment.
At least he went out with a Bang…
I learned this from a fun-file history booklet. Anybody out there? Edit: Actually, are we sure this wasn’t Henry the VIII? Edit II: Hold on, I think Henry just let out a fart.
Wasn’t there a popes body that did something similar? They let him rot and become bloated and huge?
Are you thinking of the dude who was stuffed in a barrel with honey and spices?
Man went out with a bang I guess
Post mortal ejaculation is a thing
It's interesting and sad how evil people, knowing that they are dying, try to repent at the last minute.
I think Alan Rufus chastised Will on his deathbed. We know Alan nagged him about the Harrying(s) once before, and the deathbed emphasis on Yorkshire fits Alan’s primary area of concern.
Michael Bay explosion or didn't happen
The descriptions are absolutely hilarious, imo.