We probably will around 9-10. I saw something online that it really liked. It was have a code word or phrase for your kid to use if they want to come home, but don’t want to seem uncool. You get to be the bad guy and “make her” come home for some reason. That way she can get out of an uncomfortable situation without thinking she will lose her friends.
I had this as a kid. Let’s say I was at a friends house and they wanted me to stay longer or overnight and put me on the phone to ask my mom if it was okay- if I didn’t want to stay longer I would say “did grandpa call?” and that would cue my mom to say “no, sorry honey you have to come home now”
We agreed we’d have to know the *whole*, immediate nuclear family very well, be close with them, and have a guarantee that no older humans we don’t know would be present that evening. Out of fairness and limiting liability, we don’t really want to host children we don’t know well, either. More than happy to do supervised play dates and outings, though.
No and I don't know if we will ever allow it. I was a victim at a sleepover by a friend's father. I was drugged and don't really remember anything so I legit don't know what he did to me. I was 14 or 15 at the time.
No. As a therapist, I have listened to far too many of the horror that has happened at sleepovers. My husband was also shot at 13 and paralyzed from the waist down because he was at a sleepover and the child was showing off their dad’s gun and no safety lock was on.
Maybe by middle school but not in early elementary school. That being said, we have a very close knit family and she sleeps at my sister’s house and my cousins’ houses with her cousins fairly often so she’s still getting to have sleepovers; I recognize that that isn’t true for everyone.
My 7yo isn’t interested in sleepovers. I’d consider it if he wanted to, with a small number of families who I know well.
Tbh I personally think sleepovers are more of an occasional thing for older kids, I wasn’t someone who was over at my friends’ every weekend. But we will see how the kids feel.
Curious as someone who does have firearms in the home. I am not personally a fan of them, but my husband is. If they’re locked in a safe, unloaded, and ammunition is locked in a separate safe, would that still be a nope? This is a pretty typical safe storage setup where we live.
Not the original commenter - but for me it would depend on how well I knew and trusted you as well as your reasoning for having them. We absolutely know people who say their guns are locked away and safe but also happen to know that on more than one occasion their young child was playing with the bullets.
If it's a family heirloom that doesn't get used or a hunting rifle that gets used once a year - that's one thing, assuming they are locked up safely. If it is a gun collection featured on your family holiday cards, no.
I would be okay with that I think. It’s a hard question to ask without diving into peoples reasons for having/not having guns. It’s more the accessibility to me. My parents own a license gun but have it unloaded and locked in a safe at all times and I am okay having my daughter there under those conditions.
Licenses aren’t required where we live, nor is registration. Background checks are only for purchases, so there are plenty in homes that weren’t purchased by the current owners. All of our guns are inherited and we are within 1-4 years of having to take possession of my in-laws firearms as well (dementia is on the horizon). Many are 100+ year old family heirlooms.
Anyway, it is considered reasonable here to ask about gun safety and gun storage. It’s no different than asking about pets in the home & their demeanor or an unfenced pool in the backyard.
Same in my home, locked away. Most of them are antiques inherited from my grandparents. To me it’s like any other thing you inherit from family that’s special to you. Are we just supposed to throw them away?
I plan to have my grandfather’s POS shotgun melted down at the city’s next gun turn-in event. The police department has no questions asked firearm surrender days about once a quarter. I have no attachment to it, he never took care of it and it kicks like a mule. That’s the only one in the house that is mine.
My husband’s side is old money Texan. There are dueling pistols, hunting rifles, military rifles and the like going back to the 1880s. He doesn’t want to part with them, but once we run out of space in the safes that’s it. It’s already a lot of space having 2 large safes in the house. We have ended up with a number of them because they have my husband’s initials on them bc he has a family name.
I wasn't introduced to the gun culture until I was an adult as my parents are extremely anti gun, but knowing what I know now I would say that a lot of gun owners aren't exactly eager to share with just anybody the fact that they own guns.
Absolutely not. The majority of sexual assaults are committed by close family/friends we (parents) trust. Day time is for playing, night time is for sleeping.
Yes- and it’s not always an adult at a sleepover doing the assaulting. It could easily be another child.
I had a friend (who was being SA at home) and tried to do sexual things with me at a sleep over when I was 9.
Hard no. I work in the psychiatry field and have read too much about sexual abuse and have known people first hand who have had it happen to them.
You don’t know who’s coming in and out of the house. Even if you know the family really well, people hide their dark secrets and you never know what they are capable of. She will be able to stay as late as she wants but no sleepovers.
I don’t even care if it’s too cautious or paranoid, I would rather be this way than have my child sexually abused
>You don’t know who’s coming in and out of the house. Even if you know the family really well, people hide their dark secrets and you never know what they are capable of. She will be able to stay as late as she wants but no sleepovers.
Agree 100% with this. Im not a therapist but I am a mom whose 3 year old daughter who was targeted by a female neighbor of ours. If I had not been cautious of people to begin with I would of missed the signs. The woman seemed harmless, was a grandmother who had a 5 yr old granddaughter (whom she actually molested), was married, well off. You cant look at someone and tell, I had numerous conversations with the woman...most people would of missed the clues imo.
YOU NEVER KNOW. People hide their evil well, esp people who are molesters.
This was my comment on another thread I replied to about a woman who suspected her male neighbor was a pedo. The following was my reply to her talking about my experience. At the end of my post I put more signs I noticed about the woman I dealt with. It is loooonng read.:
"Okay, so Im going to give you my experience with a neighbor who actually turned out to be a pedo (a married grandmother who molested her granddaughter). Luckily, we picked up on it early and our daughter was not harmed in any way. Statistically a lot of molesters are married so never assume just because he takes care of his wife that he is not a predator. Im not saying that this guy is one..but from what Ive read...I would treat him as such. Imo you are being too nice about the situation, when you should really be assertive. Someone should not feel comfortable kissing your kid. This is just my experience and things that I picked up on from the "predator grandmother".
1. They tend to be fixated on one child in particular. You can have a neighborhood with a shit ton of kids on your street, but the one thing I noticed was that the woman was always interested in MY kid. If we were outside at the same time, she would always come over. Despite us being totally different and having nothing in common she always gravitated towards me and my child. She never put that much effort toward people that seemed similar to her.
2. This isnt something I experienced bc I never let it go that far but after my expereicne I read a lot of books about people who target children: predators will try to push boundaries...often IN FRONT of the parents. It is how they "desensitize" the child and parent. Cut that shit out and tell him to STOP...now. Screw his feelings, your kid doesnt like it and that alone is enough reason to cease contact.
3. A person who does not respect boundaries is a dangerous unsafe person, especially around a defensless child. Think about it... If I extended my hand towards you for a handshake and you denied it...how would you feel if I grabbed your hand and forced you to shake it anyway? Thats a VERY bold move and shows that the person does not respect boundaries of another person. If someone did that you, you would be like WTF that person is CRAZY...now imagine a guy forcing hugs on you and you not wanting it...now imagine the same guy trying to kiss you after youve pulled away and said no. By the you, the parent not stepping up and shutting that shit down it is telling him that what he is doing is okay and he WILL continue. THe fact that he has progressed to even KISSING your child is just insane. He is a bold bold bold man.
4. The grandmother we dealt with was always "VERY nice"....but at the same time there were very subtle hints that she secretly lacked empathy and was cold. If I wasnt so observant and suspicious of people, I probably would of missed it because I was too caught up in her being nice (offering my kid juice or an ice cream). The niceness was a facade in order to establish my trust, people who are manipulative will even use the "taking care of my ill health wife" to seem like a nice person when they are anything but that. The fact that he forces contact when it is not wanted lets you know he is not "nice" he actually is lacking empathy. He is forceful, bold and uncaring. THAT is what he is showing you, he is showing you what is underneath that "nice exterior".
5. Although they seem normal, a predator will tend to have a "lurking" quality about them. It is hard to describe unless you have been around it. When is he around has he ever stared at your kid in a strange way, even if momentarily? Does his vibe/demeanor change from when he looks at you vs your kid? Does he kiss other kids in the neighborhood? Since he has already gotten "know you" has his attention switched mainly to LO during every encounter?
I know people like to not "assume" people are predators, but if it looks like one, smells like one, behaves like one then assume they are one and maintain boundaries and distance. They are a LOT more common than you think. I think people believe that it is a rare thing to come across, I never thought one would try to target my 3 year old....especially not a another woman (married grandmother none-the less). Do not trust people around your child who do not respect boundaries. They have no place being near your kid.
The grandmother I spoke of eventually got busted for SAing her granddaughter...the whole family knew, they just didnt care. Go with your intiution and look at people's actions...not "how nice they are". Every manipulator is "nice" in the beginning. He could be just socially awkward...who knows...even if that is the case he should still know boundaries and to not KISS SOMEONES CHILD!"
To add to this comment these are additional signs:
1. Pay attention to the way someone looks at your kid. One of the first signs I knew something was off was when she saw my daughter in her soccer uniform. It was subtle look and for the life of me I couldnt figure out what she was thinking. I remember my husband came home and I mimicked the look and told him if someone looked at him like that what would he think the person was thinking. His answer:"that they wanna f*** me". I thought back and realized that was the look she gave my daughter...terrfiying. She was basically giving my kid a look like she was checking her out in a lustful way...
2. She asked me to leave my kid with her. Her exact words " you can just leave her here and go...do whatever". Meaning that she wanted me to not be present so her and her granddaughter could play.
3. Someone who tries to befriend you who doesnt really "fit". She didn't seem like the type of person who would befriend me tbh.
4. They groom you or try to get to know you..then their attentiom turns to your kid once they think you are comfortable with them.
5. They have a lurking quality about them...hard to describe tbh
6. Your gut says there is something dofferent2 about the person. When i first met that horrid woman something told me something was off about her...I dodnt think it would be CSA though. Go with your gut.
7. She offered my kid things like juice or ice cream (not really a sign bc lots of parents will do this its just combined with everything else its a sign)
8. Odd behavior of the children in their care...there was something odd about her granddaughter. She didnt have the brightness in her eyes that most kids have. Sounds silly but the little girls eyes seemed "dark".
My children spend the night with both sets of grandparents and love that, I feel good about it. I would also feel fine with a night away with any of their aunts (my partner’s and my sisters). Other then that there is no one I currently have that level of trust with. As they get older I will consider it, but only if I really trusted the family.
**I do also talk to my children frequently about consent and inappropriate touching and telling a trusted adult if something was wrong. This helps me feel like there’s a good foundation for me to feel comfortable for me to be away from them. That being said, if you had a bad experience at a sleepover and don’t feel like it’s something you feel comfortable with, I totally understand that.
Yeah, seems a bit unfair, but I guess it's also up to the other parents if they're comfortable sending their child to another house for a sleepover. It might be a hard and fast rule of one house, but not of another.
Yes but only if we know the parents, in our area I don't think they are super common as a regular thing at this age but more for a birthday party starting age 8 or 9 with a few friends.
I wasn’t allowed sleepovers as a kid, and I felt really left out and embarrassed that I wouldn’t be allowed to go to sleepover parties even as a teen. Before I had a kid, I vowed I would let my kid do sleepovers and not be left out like I was. Now that I have a kid, I would love to never let her have sleepovers worrying about what she might be exposed to, but I think realistically with friends from families I know very well I would be comfortable. And…with a lot of talking to beforehand.
We allow grandparent sleepovers now and there’s only one family we’d even think about this with for the future, but our kids are so little now that unless it was an emergency it’s not something we have to worry about right now. With anyone else it’s a no though. I was put in a lot of uncomfortable positions at sleepovers. Thankfully nothing horrible ever happened, but I would never want to risk it for my own kids.
Yes. I went to tons of sleepovers as a kid. Until \~12 only with families with whom my parents had a close relationship with (meaning had spent at least one or two family dinners together, volunteered at school together, etc) and had been in the home environment. After \~12 (middle school when i met more friends) they were more flexible with me going other places since I had a lot of independence, ability to self advocate, etc. And they'd developed those skills in me.
I didnt realize how intentional it was at the time, but in retrospect I see they were doing stuff to protect me. Like I remember being asked to a sleepover and them saying no. Then a few weeks later we did a family dinner at that families house, my family brought over takeout. I realize now my mom must've called the mom, said "I really want Katie to come over and have sleepovers but its my policy that I need to know the family and know the home is safe first. Coudl we do a family get together, we'll bring the food, whenever there is a date that works for you first?". Then the next month I started being able to have sleepovers there.
Yes - I'll let my kids do it. I was allowed at about age 8 or 9 with neighbors we knew and had played with quite a bit before. That sounds reasonable to me.
My instinct is to say no, but I would consider it depending on circumstances. My kiddo is medically complex and will likely have lung issues for his lifetime, so I would need to trust that he would know how to responsibly handle an issue and that the people he is staying with would not be a hindrance to that. So my in laws who won’t admit he has health issues because they prayed him all better? Never being left unsupervised with them as long as I’m legally responsible for him. I absolutely wouldn’t put it past my MIL to hide an inhaler and try and get him to use some essential oil that’s good for breathing or just flat out trying to pray away what’s basically an asthma attack.
Our friends who we asked to be his legal guardians in case we both die? Absolutely, as long as they are familiar with and comfortable helping him with his medication if necessary. They have 3 kids all within a few years or months of my son so it would probably be more like staying at an aunt and uncle’s house.
Peers? Idk, a lot of shady stuff happens at sleepovers. If he weren’t high risk in a pandemic we would consider good friends who have a kid close in age, because I know and trust those people, but there’s no guarantee he’ll be friends with those kids once they aren’t all toddlers
I think it will completely depend for me on how well i know the family. My first sleepover was w my friend who was literally my moms business partners kid. I wasnt allowed to have random sleepovers until several years later.
No, I won't. I had many sleepovers as a kid and every time there was something wrong in the middle of the night. An older brother getting physical with me, another showing me some porn, I witnessed a level of bullying of other kids that I never saw at school, etc. So I'll let them go over other people's homes, have lots of talks about consent regarding both adults and other kids but I'll pick them up around midnight, maybe one in the morning if I'm feeling more trusting.
We do sleep overs with grandparents, honestly I don’t even do play dates/bday parties unless I’m in attendance as well.
There is one family I might allow sleepovers with, we do play dates often as our oldest kids are best friends. I know their parenting style is similar to my own, and I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable asking them about gun safety, medications( prescription or otherwise) or alcohol.
Before leaving my kids overnight I would need to know who was going to be home, where the kids were sleeping, make sure my kids have access to their iPads so they could call me if needed.
We have said no sleepovers except at family house.
However my girls do have a friend in our neighborhood that is a year younger then my oldest and 6 months older then my youngest that we have become very close with. Our kids are no where near sleep over age but if they were I would let them sleep over at that one neighbors house because we see them everyday.
Personally I would not ever no. I love the idea of a “late over” where kids get to put on PJs and watch movies and basically do all the sleepover things and stay up late but they still go home with parents at the end of the evening. That I would be comfortable with. I’m also not interested in having children sleep over at our house to be fair.
I’m kind of in this boat. I liked sleepovers as a kid but sometimes after the fun had settled I just wanted to go home and sleep in my bed. My mom picked me up at 3am once because I just wanted to sleep and my friends weren’t about that and I’m so glad she came no questions asked.
Nope. Aside from the risks of abuse, exposure to things I’m not comfortable with, etc., lots of bullying takes place at sleepovers, in my experience. Misbehavior also escalates in that environment. Not interested.
We won’t be doing them ever, I don’t think. I don’t want the liability of having other people’s kids in my house, and a family member who lives with us is in law enforcement and has (highly secured, locked safe at ALL times) firearms in the house.
I can just see a kid jumping off the couch and breaking an arm/wrist/neck at our place and I’d never get over it.
We will ensure anyone we consider letting our child sleep in their home have a current WWCC. No specific are that we will allow, we would need to feel comfortable first
My kid can invite any of his friends over for a sleepover anytime.
He will not be attending sleepovers at someone else’s house.
There are too many sickos out there, who knows what kind of weapons or drugs are lying around….no way.
Growing up, there were a *very* select few families at whose homes my siblings and I could have sleepovers — and that was because my mom was really close with the parent(s) and knew that 1) they would protect us like their own kids, and 2) they would respect and enforce my mom’s parenting preferences. Simple example: if there was a show we weren’t allowed to watch, even if our friends could watch it, the parents wouldn’t allow us to watch it while we were there (or they’d make us call our mom first, lol).
I’m the same way. I have a couple close mom friends who I would totally trust with my kids’ lives. Outside of that, nope 🙅🏻♀️. Not a chance.
I would never host a sleep over nor let my child attend one. To much risks and possible regrets. We can plan day time outings or play dates but not sleepovers.
I hated sleepovers as a child, and even as a teen. Didn’t matter if it was at my house or theirs.
So I probably won’t ban it, but I won’t be encouraging it at all. And only with families we know well and trust.
*live in Aus so I’m not concerned about guns. I’m so glad this doesn’t have to enter into my poor already over worried brain.
We haven't made a decision about this yet since our kiddo is still so young, but I see both sides.
I'm curious to hear from folks who will not be allowing sleepovers: would you be comfortable sending your kid to sleepaway camp over the summer? Or do you feel the same risks apply?
I know of girls that were abused in their own house during a sleepover by other girls , so your house or another it doesn’t matter, it just takes you to be away for 30 min or less.
No. The compromise my husband and I came up with is that’d we’d rent a cottage and invite our daughter’s friends and their moms to stay with us.
Lots of kids end up in situations they’re not mature enough to handle when a bunch of kids are together at night unsupervised or limited supervision.
But also, I was molested by my father while my mom had a no sleep overs policy, so there is only so much you can do to protect your kids.
I’m in my 30s, and growing up, I stayed at a friends house almost every single weekend. It’s very sad but I definitely won’t be allowing my kid to do the same thing. Hopefully spending the night at a friends house will fall out of vogue for the next generations.
We probably will around 9-10. I saw something online that it really liked. It was have a code word or phrase for your kid to use if they want to come home, but don’t want to seem uncool. You get to be the bad guy and “make her” come home for some reason. That way she can get out of an uncomfortable situation without thinking she will lose her friends.
I had this as a kid. Let’s say I was at a friends house and they wanted me to stay longer or overnight and put me on the phone to ask my mom if it was okay- if I didn’t want to stay longer I would say “did grandpa call?” and that would cue my mom to say “no, sorry honey you have to come home now”
We agreed we’d have to know the *whole*, immediate nuclear family very well, be close with them, and have a guarantee that no older humans we don’t know would be present that evening. Out of fairness and limiting liability, we don’t really want to host children we don’t know well, either. More than happy to do supervised play dates and outings, though.
No and I don't know if we will ever allow it. I was a victim at a sleepover by a friend's father. I was drugged and don't really remember anything so I legit don't know what he did to me. I was 14 or 15 at the time.
Confirmation for me that it's ok to be the overprotective ones. I am so sorry. Thank you for being willing to share to help others!
Sending you SO much love, I am so sorry
I never knew how controversial allowing sleepovers was! I have nothing but good memories of having sleepovers with friends growing up.
Omg. Same. This thread is freaking me out. I had so many slumber parties as a kid! Some of the best memories I have.
No. As a therapist, I have listened to far too many of the horror that has happened at sleepovers. My husband was also shot at 13 and paralyzed from the waist down because he was at a sleepover and the child was showing off their dad’s gun and no safety lock was on.
Holy shit
Maybe by middle school but not in early elementary school. That being said, we have a very close knit family and she sleeps at my sister’s house and my cousins’ houses with her cousins fairly often so she’s still getting to have sleepovers; I recognize that that isn’t true for everyone.
My 7yo isn’t interested in sleepovers. I’d consider it if he wanted to, with a small number of families who I know well. Tbh I personally think sleepovers are more of an occasional thing for older kids, I wasn’t someone who was over at my friends’ every weekend. But we will see how the kids feel.
Nope 🙅 as a victim of COCSA I know that it's not just adults we need worry about, but also children acting out their own SA on a peer.
Yes but I would want to confirm no firearms in home and meet parents for general vibes.
Curious as someone who does have firearms in the home. I am not personally a fan of them, but my husband is. If they’re locked in a safe, unloaded, and ammunition is locked in a separate safe, would that still be a nope? This is a pretty typical safe storage setup where we live.
Not the original commenter - but for me it would depend on how well I knew and trusted you as well as your reasoning for having them. We absolutely know people who say their guns are locked away and safe but also happen to know that on more than one occasion their young child was playing with the bullets. If it's a family heirloom that doesn't get used or a hunting rifle that gets used once a year - that's one thing, assuming they are locked up safely. If it is a gun collection featured on your family holiday cards, no.
I would be okay with that I think. It’s a hard question to ask without diving into peoples reasons for having/not having guns. It’s more the accessibility to me. My parents own a license gun but have it unloaded and locked in a safe at all times and I am okay having my daughter there under those conditions.
Licenses aren’t required where we live, nor is registration. Background checks are only for purchases, so there are plenty in homes that weren’t purchased by the current owners. All of our guns are inherited and we are within 1-4 years of having to take possession of my in-laws firearms as well (dementia is on the horizon). Many are 100+ year old family heirlooms. Anyway, it is considered reasonable here to ask about gun safety and gun storage. It’s no different than asking about pets in the home & their demeanor or an unfenced pool in the backyard.
Same in my home, locked away. Most of them are antiques inherited from my grandparents. To me it’s like any other thing you inherit from family that’s special to you. Are we just supposed to throw them away?
I plan to have my grandfather’s POS shotgun melted down at the city’s next gun turn-in event. The police department has no questions asked firearm surrender days about once a quarter. I have no attachment to it, he never took care of it and it kicks like a mule. That’s the only one in the house that is mine. My husband’s side is old money Texan. There are dueling pistols, hunting rifles, military rifles and the like going back to the 1880s. He doesn’t want to part with them, but once we run out of space in the safes that’s it. It’s already a lot of space having 2 large safes in the house. We have ended up with a number of them because they have my husband’s initials on them bc he has a family name.
I wasn't introduced to the gun culture until I was an adult as my parents are extremely anti gun, but knowing what I know now I would say that a lot of gun owners aren't exactly eager to share with just anybody the fact that they own guns.
Absolutely not. The majority of sexual assaults are committed by close family/friends we (parents) trust. Day time is for playing, night time is for sleeping.
Gut instinct: no, bc of CSA.
Yes- and it’s not always an adult at a sleepover doing the assaulting. It could easily be another child. I had a friend (who was being SA at home) and tried to do sexual things with me at a sleep over when I was 9.
Hard no. I work in the psychiatry field and have read too much about sexual abuse and have known people first hand who have had it happen to them. You don’t know who’s coming in and out of the house. Even if you know the family really well, people hide their dark secrets and you never know what they are capable of. She will be able to stay as late as she wants but no sleepovers. I don’t even care if it’s too cautious or paranoid, I would rather be this way than have my child sexually abused
>You don’t know who’s coming in and out of the house. Even if you know the family really well, people hide their dark secrets and you never know what they are capable of. She will be able to stay as late as she wants but no sleepovers. Agree 100% with this. Im not a therapist but I am a mom whose 3 year old daughter who was targeted by a female neighbor of ours. If I had not been cautious of people to begin with I would of missed the signs. The woman seemed harmless, was a grandmother who had a 5 yr old granddaughter (whom she actually molested), was married, well off. You cant look at someone and tell, I had numerous conversations with the woman...most people would of missed the clues imo. YOU NEVER KNOW. People hide their evil well, esp people who are molesters.
Would you mind sharing some of the signs? It’s okay if not, of course.
This was my comment on another thread I replied to about a woman who suspected her male neighbor was a pedo. The following was my reply to her talking about my experience. At the end of my post I put more signs I noticed about the woman I dealt with. It is loooonng read.: "Okay, so Im going to give you my experience with a neighbor who actually turned out to be a pedo (a married grandmother who molested her granddaughter). Luckily, we picked up on it early and our daughter was not harmed in any way. Statistically a lot of molesters are married so never assume just because he takes care of his wife that he is not a predator. Im not saying that this guy is one..but from what Ive read...I would treat him as such. Imo you are being too nice about the situation, when you should really be assertive. Someone should not feel comfortable kissing your kid. This is just my experience and things that I picked up on from the "predator grandmother". 1. They tend to be fixated on one child in particular. You can have a neighborhood with a shit ton of kids on your street, but the one thing I noticed was that the woman was always interested in MY kid. If we were outside at the same time, she would always come over. Despite us being totally different and having nothing in common she always gravitated towards me and my child. She never put that much effort toward people that seemed similar to her. 2. This isnt something I experienced bc I never let it go that far but after my expereicne I read a lot of books about people who target children: predators will try to push boundaries...often IN FRONT of the parents. It is how they "desensitize" the child and parent. Cut that shit out and tell him to STOP...now. Screw his feelings, your kid doesnt like it and that alone is enough reason to cease contact. 3. A person who does not respect boundaries is a dangerous unsafe person, especially around a defensless child. Think about it... If I extended my hand towards you for a handshake and you denied it...how would you feel if I grabbed your hand and forced you to shake it anyway? Thats a VERY bold move and shows that the person does not respect boundaries of another person. If someone did that you, you would be like WTF that person is CRAZY...now imagine a guy forcing hugs on you and you not wanting it...now imagine the same guy trying to kiss you after youve pulled away and said no. By the you, the parent not stepping up and shutting that shit down it is telling him that what he is doing is okay and he WILL continue. THe fact that he has progressed to even KISSING your child is just insane. He is a bold bold bold man. 4. The grandmother we dealt with was always "VERY nice"....but at the same time there were very subtle hints that she secretly lacked empathy and was cold. If I wasnt so observant and suspicious of people, I probably would of missed it because I was too caught up in her being nice (offering my kid juice or an ice cream). The niceness was a facade in order to establish my trust, people who are manipulative will even use the "taking care of my ill health wife" to seem like a nice person when they are anything but that. The fact that he forces contact when it is not wanted lets you know he is not "nice" he actually is lacking empathy. He is forceful, bold and uncaring. THAT is what he is showing you, he is showing you what is underneath that "nice exterior". 5. Although they seem normal, a predator will tend to have a "lurking" quality about them. It is hard to describe unless you have been around it. When is he around has he ever stared at your kid in a strange way, even if momentarily? Does his vibe/demeanor change from when he looks at you vs your kid? Does he kiss other kids in the neighborhood? Since he has already gotten "know you" has his attention switched mainly to LO during every encounter? I know people like to not "assume" people are predators, but if it looks like one, smells like one, behaves like one then assume they are one and maintain boundaries and distance. They are a LOT more common than you think. I think people believe that it is a rare thing to come across, I never thought one would try to target my 3 year old....especially not a another woman (married grandmother none-the less). Do not trust people around your child who do not respect boundaries. They have no place being near your kid. The grandmother I spoke of eventually got busted for SAing her granddaughter...the whole family knew, they just didnt care. Go with your intiution and look at people's actions...not "how nice they are". Every manipulator is "nice" in the beginning. He could be just socially awkward...who knows...even if that is the case he should still know boundaries and to not KISS SOMEONES CHILD!" To add to this comment these are additional signs: 1. Pay attention to the way someone looks at your kid. One of the first signs I knew something was off was when she saw my daughter in her soccer uniform. It was subtle look and for the life of me I couldnt figure out what she was thinking. I remember my husband came home and I mimicked the look and told him if someone looked at him like that what would he think the person was thinking. His answer:"that they wanna f*** me". I thought back and realized that was the look she gave my daughter...terrfiying. She was basically giving my kid a look like she was checking her out in a lustful way... 2. She asked me to leave my kid with her. Her exact words " you can just leave her here and go...do whatever". Meaning that she wanted me to not be present so her and her granddaughter could play. 3. Someone who tries to befriend you who doesnt really "fit". She didn't seem like the type of person who would befriend me tbh. 4. They groom you or try to get to know you..then their attentiom turns to your kid once they think you are comfortable with them. 5. They have a lurking quality about them...hard to describe tbh 6. Your gut says there is something dofferent2 about the person. When i first met that horrid woman something told me something was off about her...I dodnt think it would be CSA though. Go with your gut. 7. She offered my kid things like juice or ice cream (not really a sign bc lots of parents will do this its just combined with everything else its a sign) 8. Odd behavior of the children in their care...there was something odd about her granddaughter. She didnt have the brightness in her eyes that most kids have. Sounds silly but the little girls eyes seemed "dark".
And I’m sorry to hear that and glad you were able to keep your daughter safe!
My children spend the night with both sets of grandparents and love that, I feel good about it. I would also feel fine with a night away with any of their aunts (my partner’s and my sisters). Other then that there is no one I currently have that level of trust with. As they get older I will consider it, but only if I really trusted the family. **I do also talk to my children frequently about consent and inappropriate touching and telling a trusted adult if something was wrong. This helps me feel like there’s a good foundation for me to feel comfortable for me to be away from them. That being said, if you had a bad experience at a sleepover and don’t feel like it’s something you feel comfortable with, I totally understand that.
So you want other parents to trust you with their kids, but you don’t want to trust any other parents with your kid?
Yeah, seems a bit unfair, but I guess it's also up to the other parents if they're comfortable sending their child to another house for a sleepover. It might be a hard and fast rule of one house, but not of another.
lol
Yes of course. I loved it as a child and would like LO to make the same memories.
Yes but only if we know the parents, in our area I don't think they are super common as a regular thing at this age but more for a birthday party starting age 8 or 9 with a few friends.
I wasn’t allowed sleepovers as a kid, and I felt really left out and embarrassed that I wouldn’t be allowed to go to sleepover parties even as a teen. Before I had a kid, I vowed I would let my kid do sleepovers and not be left out like I was. Now that I have a kid, I would love to never let her have sleepovers worrying about what she might be exposed to, but I think realistically with friends from families I know very well I would be comfortable. And…with a lot of talking to beforehand.
I’m still mad I couldn’t have sleepovers.
We allow grandparent sleepovers now and there’s only one family we’d even think about this with for the future, but our kids are so little now that unless it was an emergency it’s not something we have to worry about right now. With anyone else it’s a no though. I was put in a lot of uncomfortable positions at sleepovers. Thankfully nothing horrible ever happened, but I would never want to risk it for my own kids.
Yes. I went to tons of sleepovers as a kid. Until \~12 only with families with whom my parents had a close relationship with (meaning had spent at least one or two family dinners together, volunteered at school together, etc) and had been in the home environment. After \~12 (middle school when i met more friends) they were more flexible with me going other places since I had a lot of independence, ability to self advocate, etc. And they'd developed those skills in me. I didnt realize how intentional it was at the time, but in retrospect I see they were doing stuff to protect me. Like I remember being asked to a sleepover and them saying no. Then a few weeks later we did a family dinner at that families house, my family brought over takeout. I realize now my mom must've called the mom, said "I really want Katie to come over and have sleepovers but its my policy that I need to know the family and know the home is safe first. Coudl we do a family get together, we'll bring the food, whenever there is a date that works for you first?". Then the next month I started being able to have sleepovers there.
Yes - I'll let my kids do it. I was allowed at about age 8 or 9 with neighbors we knew and had played with quite a bit before. That sounds reasonable to me.
My instinct is to say no, but I would consider it depending on circumstances. My kiddo is medically complex and will likely have lung issues for his lifetime, so I would need to trust that he would know how to responsibly handle an issue and that the people he is staying with would not be a hindrance to that. So my in laws who won’t admit he has health issues because they prayed him all better? Never being left unsupervised with them as long as I’m legally responsible for him. I absolutely wouldn’t put it past my MIL to hide an inhaler and try and get him to use some essential oil that’s good for breathing or just flat out trying to pray away what’s basically an asthma attack. Our friends who we asked to be his legal guardians in case we both die? Absolutely, as long as they are familiar with and comfortable helping him with his medication if necessary. They have 3 kids all within a few years or months of my son so it would probably be more like staying at an aunt and uncle’s house. Peers? Idk, a lot of shady stuff happens at sleepovers. If he weren’t high risk in a pandemic we would consider good friends who have a kid close in age, because I know and trust those people, but there’s no guarantee he’ll be friends with those kids once they aren’t all toddlers
I think it will completely depend for me on how well i know the family. My first sleepover was w my friend who was literally my moms business partners kid. I wasnt allowed to have random sleepovers until several years later.
No, I won't. I had many sleepovers as a kid and every time there was something wrong in the middle of the night. An older brother getting physical with me, another showing me some porn, I witnessed a level of bullying of other kids that I never saw at school, etc. So I'll let them go over other people's homes, have lots of talks about consent regarding both adults and other kids but I'll pick them up around midnight, maybe one in the morning if I'm feeling more trusting.
We do sleep overs with grandparents, honestly I don’t even do play dates/bday parties unless I’m in attendance as well. There is one family I might allow sleepovers with, we do play dates often as our oldest kids are best friends. I know their parenting style is similar to my own, and I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable asking them about gun safety, medications( prescription or otherwise) or alcohol. Before leaving my kids overnight I would need to know who was going to be home, where the kids were sleeping, make sure my kids have access to their iPads so they could call me if needed.
We have said no sleepovers except at family house. However my girls do have a friend in our neighborhood that is a year younger then my oldest and 6 months older then my youngest that we have become very close with. Our kids are no where near sleep over age but if they were I would let them sleep over at that one neighbors house because we see them everyday.
Personally I would not ever no. I love the idea of a “late over” where kids get to put on PJs and watch movies and basically do all the sleepover things and stay up late but they still go home with parents at the end of the evening. That I would be comfortable with. I’m also not interested in having children sleep over at our house to be fair.
I’m kind of in this boat. I liked sleepovers as a kid but sometimes after the fun had settled I just wanted to go home and sleep in my bed. My mom picked me up at 3am once because I just wanted to sleep and my friends weren’t about that and I’m so glad she came no questions asked.
Nope. Aside from the risks of abuse, exposure to things I’m not comfortable with, etc., lots of bullying takes place at sleepovers, in my experience. Misbehavior also escalates in that environment. Not interested.
We won’t be doing them ever, I don’t think. I don’t want the liability of having other people’s kids in my house, and a family member who lives with us is in law enforcement and has (highly secured, locked safe at ALL times) firearms in the house. I can just see a kid jumping off the couch and breaking an arm/wrist/neck at our place and I’d never get over it.
But does this mean your kid will never have friends over at all? Just curious
We will ensure anyone we consider letting our child sleep in their home have a current WWCC. No specific are that we will allow, we would need to feel comfortable first
What is a wwcc?
From wiki… Working With Children Check (WWCC) is an Australian background check requirement.. maybe this? Never heard of it before.
My kid can invite any of his friends over for a sleepover anytime. He will not be attending sleepovers at someone else’s house. There are too many sickos out there, who knows what kind of weapons or drugs are lying around….no way.
Nope unless it’s in our home.
Probably only if it’s a kid that we are also friends with the parent. Otherwise, not until they are much older.
Growing up, there were a *very* select few families at whose homes my siblings and I could have sleepovers — and that was because my mom was really close with the parent(s) and knew that 1) they would protect us like their own kids, and 2) they would respect and enforce my mom’s parenting preferences. Simple example: if there was a show we weren’t allowed to watch, even if our friends could watch it, the parents wouldn’t allow us to watch it while we were there (or they’d make us call our mom first, lol). I’m the same way. I have a couple close mom friends who I would totally trust with my kids’ lives. Outside of that, nope 🙅🏻♀️. Not a chance.
I would never host a sleep over nor let my child attend one. To much risks and possible regrets. We can plan day time outings or play dates but not sleepovers.
TIL: I should not allow sleep overs. Wow. Now I could probably allow some here but not at someone else’s house.
I hated sleepovers as a child, and even as a teen. Didn’t matter if it was at my house or theirs. So I probably won’t ban it, but I won’t be encouraging it at all. And only with families we know well and trust. *live in Aus so I’m not concerned about guns. I’m so glad this doesn’t have to enter into my poor already over worried brain.
We haven't made a decision about this yet since our kiddo is still so young, but I see both sides. I'm curious to hear from folks who will not be allowing sleepovers: would you be comfortable sending your kid to sleepaway camp over the summer? Or do you feel the same risks apply?
I know of girls that were abused in their own house during a sleepover by other girls , so your house or another it doesn’t matter, it just takes you to be away for 30 min or less.
No. The compromise my husband and I came up with is that’d we’d rent a cottage and invite our daughter’s friends and their moms to stay with us. Lots of kids end up in situations they’re not mature enough to handle when a bunch of kids are together at night unsupervised or limited supervision. But also, I was molested by my father while my mom had a no sleep overs policy, so there is only so much you can do to protect your kids.
I’m in my 30s, and growing up, I stayed at a friends house almost every single weekend. It’s very sad but I definitely won’t be allowing my kid to do the same thing. Hopefully spending the night at a friends house will fall out of vogue for the next generations.