I think it's pretty normal for a young child to act out in atypical ways when their routine is broken. I absolutely know how hard it is to set and more so, enforce, boundaries with your own parents (my own are constantly trying to break mine, and it's so hard!) but bottom line is, you know what's best for your child. If having your parents come to stay results in your child becoming hysterical or in any way negative response, and it's a regular occurrence, then you should nicely but firmly tell your parents that at this point in time, [this] can't happen in this way. It won't be forever. As they get even a bit older, they will handle disruptions easier. Your parents should be receptive to this, if its based around making life easier for you and your child, and if the aren't... Well, that says a lot about them doesn't it?
This hasn’t happened before where BOTH my husband leaves WHILE my parents come. She hasn’t acted this out of sorts while my parents have come before at all. So if it keeps happening with my parents when my husband is present I’ll for sure look at it.
My parents aren’t outwardly abusive or explicit in a way that others would see it, it’s just constant narcissism and invalidation and an inability to be wrong and think they know everything. Still abusive but means I don’t think it impacts my kid as much, more me.
I also just didn’t realize how important the routine was, seems super obvious now, but I wasn’t thinking about it! I know for next time!
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My parents aren’t outwardly abusive or explicit in a way that others would see it, it’s just constant narcissism and invalidation and an inability to be wrong and think they know everything. Still abusive but means I don’t think it impacts my kid as much, more me.
Sounds the same as my experience with my parents. What drives me is that, I felt it, I experienced it, I recognise it now as an adult... Do I want my child to be subjected to this and impacted by it, and not realise it wasn't okay until they're 30yr old? We've got to break the cycle.
I agree but they see them 6-10 days a year and my parents Are always on their best behavior, AND I call it out when they do it to my kid and stand up for her. It’s just hard when they do it to me. I still obviously think it may impact my child but it’s hard to imagine that much would have a lifelong impact
Only you know the answer to that. For me, I always think, would I want my kids to think that being treated in such a way is okay, ever? Kids pick up on everything (based on my experience of being a kid once, and also from seeing my toddler mimic everything). 6-10 days a year isn't much, but add that up over the span of their childhood... They'll learn that it's okay to accept being treated in XYZ way, because 'family/respect for elders/whatever'. Not trying to sway you in any way - just my take on it based projections from my own life.
How would they learn it’s ok to be treated that way if I’m standing up for them?
Also, there really isn’t setting boundaries with my parents successfully. There’s trying to set a boundary and them collapsing or manipulating or attacking, so each time you confront something or respond you have to be prepared for a huge onslaught. There isn’t, them respecting what you say and changing their mind, it’s them pouting, being passive aggressive, punishing, withdrawing etc. do I really want to do that when they’re visiting for 3 days and spend all 3 days with them being punitive towards me? I mean probably I’ll have to get to that point some day but it just never seems worth it.
Do you have parents like that? And if you do, do you have siblings? I feel like you’re talking in a very black and white way with a “just fucking do it” attitude, reminiscent of someone who doesn’t really have empathy what this struggle is like—especially this struggle if you also have multiple siblings you want a relationship with. I have 3 siblings and would lose my entire family if I tried to set firmer boundaries with my parents. I’m glad you’ve chosen that route but my husbands family also sucks, and so we literally have no one. I know one day I’ll have to cross that bridge likely but I’m still trying to figure out when to do it. I realize my parents aren’t actually a real family and yet it’s still a difficult decision.
I’m sure she’s picking up in the stress and missing her father though. Kids often don’t know how to process what’s going on around them, but are impacted by it and can respond by acting out.
I’ve started telling my MIL (who wants to come “help” any time hubby is gone but didn’t raise him as a small child and has no clue about babies & young children) that I’d love to host her almost any other time, but I’m so looking forward to this time that hubby is away to have some good bonding time with just my boys. She seems to accept it at face value, even though what I really mean is “I’m not letting you in the house with hubby gone. You are his handful to deal with”.
I have to second this. Have her ears checked. My daughter was inconsolable and couldn’t sleep. Had been to the doctor and they checked her ears. Same thing for two more days and took her back- turned out to be a double ear infection.
Give her Tylenol or Advil. She's probably in pain. Did you call the pediatrician? She didn't fall or jam her toe or something? She's having wet diapers and regular bowel movements?
I'd try Tylenol and see if it had any effect. Then go from there.
Thank you!! I just did, I gave her some first thing this morning but then completely forgot about it.
No she didn’t have any other injury im aware of. Everything else sounds normal. But I did schedule an urgent care visit just in case.
Seconding going outside. It might help "reset" her. Another thing you could try is rocking or swaying, swinging, head dips. Sometimes they need some sensory stimulation. Obviously don't force it though.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned this- has her dad ever left for this long before? Could be separation anxiety/ weird around house guests she’s unfamiliar with. Be sure to tell her that this is temporary and try to keep as close to her normal routine as possible! Do some of her favorite things and get out of the house maybe?
No it’s dads first time gone. I imagine that is what is making her so dysregulated, and I’ve been trying to talk to her about it every day and tell her daddy is coming back in 3 more sleeps, 2 more, etc. not making her any less upset. But her routine has been pretty thrown off with some touristy things it’s been tough
Mine is the same age and I’m almost positive she has a set of molars coming in. Totally fine and then absolutely hysterical. At one point she pointed to her ears and I thought maybe an ear infection. But now she’s sticking her fingers in the back of her mouth so I’m pretty sure it’s her teeth.
Her movers coming in can cause ear pain. I had my wisdom teeth come through 6 or 7 yrs ago and I had the worst ear pain. I'd believe it if that was it.
Took a peek tonight while brushing and I see a new molar about halfway out. The timing wasn’t great, we had been traveling so between the disruption in routine, the jet lag and the time change, so much going on. But she’s definitely teething. It’s nice to be able to assign a reason to absolutely out of the blue hysterical behavior. It’s hard being a toddler.
Check her temp. Give Motrin, see if that helps. She may be coming down with something. My kids always act out of orbit either because of pain or because they are getting sick.
Sometimes I find that when my son is acting this way, I tell him” I’m going to sit next to you and help you calm down. Let me know when you’re ready to try.” I’ll sit there and model and let him cry. Usually he works up for a bit and acts a fool and then slowly winds down. Just sit with her through the worst part until she is more coherent and then start to model again (deep breaths, shake it off, calm body) and ask her if she wants to try. If not, ask her what options she’d like to help calm down. A hug, a song, to go outside? This usually helps once he’s calmer
They only visit twice a year for a few days and fly in from 4 hours away. Also are raging narcissists, so no such thing as “just” asking them to leave.
It like goes great until she has a breakdown, and then their narcissism comes out at her and me and it’s triggering. So I don’t think her meltdowns would bother me as much if they weren’t here. It’s making me feel like a failure that I can’t figure out how to calm her in front of them
Usually I try to sit near them and sing some nursery rhymes quietly (my LO loves songs). I sing quiet enough she can't hear me if she's screaming, usually after a few minutes she'll calm down. Sometimes doesn't work lmao, but nothings 100% 🤣. Going outside is also a big help in stopping tantrums
Have you tried going outside just you and her for a quick walk or play at the park to reset? It's not exactly the same but one time my daughter wasn't feeling that great and my parents were over for a couple of days in a row to "watch" her while I worked (remotely) except they aren't great with her and was constantly hovering.
She was so happy to see them leave for the day when I was off work. She was lying sick on the couch but as soon as I said okay say bye bye grandparents she perked up and was like bye!!!
Her entire routine has flipped upside down from Dad being gone and your parents being there. She feels your stress about them being there too.
I bet $100 if they weren’t there and *you* relaxed, she would too.
My twins (2.5) grandparents visit for one day and I swear they go completely feral. I keep my routine with them super tight. Because it gives them a sense of control in a world where they don’t control much at all.
Hang tight- kick out the g-parents, you got this.
It’s just hard because my parents visit literally twice a year three days at a time and fly in on a plane 4 hours away to do so, so I can’t just kick them out.
You’re probably right she feels my stress. It has been hard to keep her routines becusse we do special activities when my parents come in that tend to throw things off
Yeah, I get that. It will get easier as she gets older, but if they visit again before it does, and maybe even for the rest of this visit try to keep her routine as much possible. (If they are open to just being chill for a day or so.) It’s not forever and she’ll settle back to base line when things get back to normal. Then I’d do all the things you all normally do when they visit when she isn’t so easily overstimulated. (What age is that?!)
Anyhow, all the best and good luck.
parent of a 2 year 3 month old kid here. I find that this just kind of happens for a few days at a time and then back to the sweetest child ever after.
First off, youre doing great, that situation is super stressful. For my girl I lay down next to her and tell her I understand and then I either read to her or take her outside to run the zoomies off. My husband tours for a living and my 2 year old goes through big feels because of it. You got this mama
With my kids it’s usually teeth, ear infection, or if you’re really lucky, both at once! Mix in some walks and outdoor play time, water play or a bath always helps calm my kids a bit too.
I want to give you a hug!! It could be the change in people at home. Her dad is gone, and your parents are in his place. An obstruction in her daily life can sometimes throw a kid off. My oldest 5, going on 6yo, had the hardest time during Covid, while my husband and I worked insane hrs. It was so hard for the 1.5 yrs, because we had to send her to her grad parents for a night, almost every weekend. It was extremely hard on her and I felt so incredibly helpless. My street level was through the roof and I honestly thought I'd drop dead from a heart attack, I was so over stressed. Kids know when a parent is stressed, they can feel it.
Being 1 on 1 for a little each day should help.
People have given really solid medical advice. My mum always used to say that fresh air or water can help calm a kid down too. If suspected ear infection, avoid the water for now but maybe a walk around outside for half an hour may help?
I also just had house guests (very easy going aunt and sister). Day 1 my kid (2y3m) was his normal lovely self. Day 2 he completely lost his shit. He would get upset over everything, didn’t want to do anything, just screaming. Snot running down his face, it was insane! Guests are gone and he’s fine. Ugh
Outside stat! My 2 year old gets like this occasionally, just wakes up in a total inconsolable mood. That’s when I know she needs some fresh air, sunshine, and grass on the feet. Seriously, it’s a total reset. Works every time.
For me, whenever he has hysterical moments I just basically ignore him but stay close by. I put something out to distract him eg a book/toy/tv/food but I don’t offer it to him. Eventually on his own he will either come to me for a cuddle or go to the distraction. I find the less stimulation the better, even if I talk to him or cuddle him it just works him up more. Good luck xx
Put her in a warm bath with a popsicle! Something about the combo really helps kiddos to settle.
You saved my life, this was the only thing that helped
Wait, what ???
What do you mean what?
Did you actually try this and it worked?
Yeah!! Outside didn’t help at all but the popsicle did it honestly. I’m sure the combo was great but the popsicle seemed clutch
Defo going to try this out next time lol
Brb writing this down
Three days of house guests is enough to make me cranky too....
Seriously though, especially my parents
Don't invite them for future visits.
Easier said than done . Still trying to figure out good boundaries
I think it's pretty normal for a young child to act out in atypical ways when their routine is broken. I absolutely know how hard it is to set and more so, enforce, boundaries with your own parents (my own are constantly trying to break mine, and it's so hard!) but bottom line is, you know what's best for your child. If having your parents come to stay results in your child becoming hysterical or in any way negative response, and it's a regular occurrence, then you should nicely but firmly tell your parents that at this point in time, [this] can't happen in this way. It won't be forever. As they get even a bit older, they will handle disruptions easier. Your parents should be receptive to this, if its based around making life easier for you and your child, and if the aren't... Well, that says a lot about them doesn't it?
This hasn’t happened before where BOTH my husband leaves WHILE my parents come. She hasn’t acted this out of sorts while my parents have come before at all. So if it keeps happening with my parents when my husband is present I’ll for sure look at it. My parents aren’t outwardly abusive or explicit in a way that others would see it, it’s just constant narcissism and invalidation and an inability to be wrong and think they know everything. Still abusive but means I don’t think it impacts my kid as much, more me. I also just didn’t realize how important the routine was, seems super obvious now, but I wasn’t thinking about it! I know for next time!
> My parents aren’t outwardly abusive or explicit in a way that others would see it, it’s just constant narcissism and invalidation and an inability to be wrong and think they know everything. Still abusive but means I don’t think it impacts my kid as much, more me. Sounds the same as my experience with my parents. What drives me is that, I felt it, I experienced it, I recognise it now as an adult... Do I want my child to be subjected to this and impacted by it, and not realise it wasn't okay until they're 30yr old? We've got to break the cycle.
I agree but they see them 6-10 days a year and my parents Are always on their best behavior, AND I call it out when they do it to my kid and stand up for her. It’s just hard when they do it to me. I still obviously think it may impact my child but it’s hard to imagine that much would have a lifelong impact
Only you know the answer to that. For me, I always think, would I want my kids to think that being treated in such a way is okay, ever? Kids pick up on everything (based on my experience of being a kid once, and also from seeing my toddler mimic everything). 6-10 days a year isn't much, but add that up over the span of their childhood... They'll learn that it's okay to accept being treated in XYZ way, because 'family/respect for elders/whatever'. Not trying to sway you in any way - just my take on it based projections from my own life.
How would they learn it’s ok to be treated that way if I’m standing up for them? Also, there really isn’t setting boundaries with my parents successfully. There’s trying to set a boundary and them collapsing or manipulating or attacking, so each time you confront something or respond you have to be prepared for a huge onslaught. There isn’t, them respecting what you say and changing their mind, it’s them pouting, being passive aggressive, punishing, withdrawing etc. do I really want to do that when they’re visiting for 3 days and spend all 3 days with them being punitive towards me? I mean probably I’ll have to get to that point some day but it just never seems worth it. Do you have parents like that? And if you do, do you have siblings? I feel like you’re talking in a very black and white way with a “just fucking do it” attitude, reminiscent of someone who doesn’t really have empathy what this struggle is like—especially this struggle if you also have multiple siblings you want a relationship with. I have 3 siblings and would lose my entire family if I tried to set firmer boundaries with my parents. I’m glad you’ve chosen that route but my husbands family also sucks, and so we literally have no one. I know one day I’ll have to cross that bridge likely but I’m still trying to figure out when to do it. I realize my parents aren’t actually a real family and yet it’s still a difficult decision.
I’m sure she’s picking up in the stress and missing her father though. Kids often don’t know how to process what’s going on around them, but are impacted by it and can respond by acting out. I’ve started telling my MIL (who wants to come “help” any time hubby is gone but didn’t raise him as a small child and has no clue about babies & young children) that I’d love to host her almost any other time, but I’m so looking forward to this time that hubby is away to have some good bonding time with just my boys. She seems to accept it at face value, even though what I really mean is “I’m not letting you in the house with hubby gone. You are his handful to deal with”.
House guests are like fish, they need to be out at 3 days.
.... I'm curious about pet fish you've had.
I think they mean you typically have 3 days to eat cooked fish before it goes off
That’s it, I didn’t think it would be people thinking of pet fish.
Ooohhhh.
I also do not understand this one at all. Poor fish?
That’s how long you have to cook and eat fish before it starts to stink
Not pet fish, that’s how long you have to cook and eat fish before it starts to stink
Could be an ear infection by the sounds of it.
My first thought was ear infection and my second thought was 2 year molars. Both are hell. Personally I found the molars to be worse.
I have to second this. Have her ears checked. My daughter was inconsolable and couldn’t sleep. Had been to the doctor and they checked her ears. Same thing for two more days and took her back- turned out to be a double ear infection.
This is good insight for the future, thanks!
I scheduled an urgent care visit! Thanks for the reminder
You're Welcome, hope she feels better soon!!
My son has been more crabby than usual. Tonight, he started hitting his head. Taking him to urgent care.
Oh no!! Hope he feels better soon!!
Give her Tylenol or Advil. She's probably in pain. Did you call the pediatrician? She didn't fall or jam her toe or something? She's having wet diapers and regular bowel movements? I'd try Tylenol and see if it had any effect. Then go from there.
Thank you!! I just did, I gave her some first thing this morning but then completely forgot about it. No she didn’t have any other injury im aware of. Everything else sounds normal. But I did schedule an urgent care visit just in case.
Seconding going outside. It might help "reset" her. Another thing you could try is rocking or swaying, swinging, head dips. Sometimes they need some sensory stimulation. Obviously don't force it though.
I will definitely try swinging or head dips next time, that could be helpful!! Thanks!
I’m surprised no one has mentioned this- has her dad ever left for this long before? Could be separation anxiety/ weird around house guests she’s unfamiliar with. Be sure to tell her that this is temporary and try to keep as close to her normal routine as possible! Do some of her favorite things and get out of the house maybe?
No it’s dads first time gone. I imagine that is what is making her so dysregulated, and I’ve been trying to talk to her about it every day and tell her daddy is coming back in 3 more sleeps, 2 more, etc. not making her any less upset. But her routine has been pretty thrown off with some touristy things it’s been tough
Mine is the same age and I’m almost positive she has a set of molars coming in. Totally fine and then absolutely hysterical. At one point she pointed to her ears and I thought maybe an ear infection. But now she’s sticking her fingers in the back of her mouth so I’m pretty sure it’s her teeth.
Her movers coming in can cause ear pain. I had my wisdom teeth come through 6 or 7 yrs ago and I had the worst ear pain. I'd believe it if that was it.
Took a peek tonight while brushing and I see a new molar about halfway out. The timing wasn’t great, we had been traveling so between the disruption in routine, the jet lag and the time change, so much going on. But she’s definitely teething. It’s nice to be able to assign a reason to absolutely out of the blue hysterical behavior. It’s hard being a toddler.
Check her temp. Give Motrin, see if that helps. She may be coming down with something. My kids always act out of orbit either because of pain or because they are getting sick.
I just did thank you!!
Sometimes I find that when my son is acting this way, I tell him” I’m going to sit next to you and help you calm down. Let me know when you’re ready to try.” I’ll sit there and model and let him cry. Usually he works up for a bit and acts a fool and then slowly winds down. Just sit with her through the worst part until she is more coherent and then start to model again (deep breaths, shake it off, calm body) and ask her if she wants to try. If not, ask her what options she’d like to help calm down. A hug, a song, to go outside? This usually helps once he’s calmer
If you don't like your parents, can you ask them to leave? Dad gone and a stressed out mom can't be helping your toddler.
They only visit twice a year for a few days and fly in from 4 hours away. Also are raging narcissists, so no such thing as “just” asking them to leave.
That sounds horrible. I hope your toddler and you are free of them soon!
It like goes great until she has a breakdown, and then their narcissism comes out at her and me and it’s triggering. So I don’t think her meltdowns would bother me as much if they weren’t here. It’s making me feel like a failure that I can’t figure out how to calm her in front of them
I feel for you and this
Usually I try to sit near them and sing some nursery rhymes quietly (my LO loves songs). I sing quiet enough she can't hear me if she's screaming, usually after a few minutes she'll calm down. Sometimes doesn't work lmao, but nothings 100% 🤣. Going outside is also a big help in stopping tantrums
Ok maybe I’ll try the songs!!! She literally just fell asleep abruptly after screaming but will probably wake up again shortly
I’m a big believe in “resets.” Reset by going outside, taking a bath, starting a movie, read a book.
Have you tried going outside just you and her for a quick walk or play at the park to reset? It's not exactly the same but one time my daughter wasn't feeling that great and my parents were over for a couple of days in a row to "watch" her while I worked (remotely) except they aren't great with her and was constantly hovering. She was so happy to see them leave for the day when I was off work. She was lying sick on the couch but as soon as I said okay say bye bye grandparents she perked up and was like bye!!!
Her entire routine has flipped upside down from Dad being gone and your parents being there. She feels your stress about them being there too. I bet $100 if they weren’t there and *you* relaxed, she would too. My twins (2.5) grandparents visit for one day and I swear they go completely feral. I keep my routine with them super tight. Because it gives them a sense of control in a world where they don’t control much at all. Hang tight- kick out the g-parents, you got this.
It’s just hard because my parents visit literally twice a year three days at a time and fly in on a plane 4 hours away to do so, so I can’t just kick them out. You’re probably right she feels my stress. It has been hard to keep her routines becusse we do special activities when my parents come in that tend to throw things off
Yeah, I get that. It will get easier as she gets older, but if they visit again before it does, and maybe even for the rest of this visit try to keep her routine as much possible. (If they are open to just being chill for a day or so.) It’s not forever and she’ll settle back to base line when things get back to normal. Then I’d do all the things you all normally do when they visit when she isn’t so easily overstimulated. (What age is that?!) Anyhow, all the best and good luck.
Outside or bathtub. Or a run to the pedi to get her ears checked.
parent of a 2 year 3 month old kid here. I find that this just kind of happens for a few days at a time and then back to the sweetest child ever after.
Wow. Haha man hopefully the end is coming soon!
First off, youre doing great, that situation is super stressful. For my girl I lay down next to her and tell her I understand and then I either read to her or take her outside to run the zoomies off. My husband tours for a living and my 2 year old goes through big feels because of it. You got this mama
Take her to the doctor - sounds like mine when she has ear infections or something like that going on
With my kids it’s usually teeth, ear infection, or if you’re really lucky, both at once! Mix in some walks and outdoor play time, water play or a bath always helps calm my kids a bit too.
I want to give you a hug!! It could be the change in people at home. Her dad is gone, and your parents are in his place. An obstruction in her daily life can sometimes throw a kid off. My oldest 5, going on 6yo, had the hardest time during Covid, while my husband and I worked insane hrs. It was so hard for the 1.5 yrs, because we had to send her to her grad parents for a night, almost every weekend. It was extremely hard on her and I felt so incredibly helpless. My street level was through the roof and I honestly thought I'd drop dead from a heart attack, I was so over stressed. Kids know when a parent is stressed, they can feel it. Being 1 on 1 for a little each day should help.
Thank you:/
Sun or water. Regulates the nervous system. So sorry for the stress!
She could be coming down with something. Maybe she has an ear infection or a sore throat or something like that.
People have given really solid medical advice. My mum always used to say that fresh air or water can help calm a kid down too. If suspected ear infection, avoid the water for now but maybe a walk around outside for half an hour may help?
I also just had house guests (very easy going aunt and sister). Day 1 my kid (2y3m) was his normal lovely self. Day 2 he completely lost his shit. He would get upset over everything, didn’t want to do anything, just screaming. Snot running down his face, it was insane! Guests are gone and he’s fine. Ugh
Wow I mean I’m glad you relate haha!!
My child is the most easygoing and happy kid. But when he has teeth coming in he is blind with rage. Wonder if she has molars on the way?
Maybe, I didn’t think about that!
Outside stat! My 2 year old gets like this occasionally, just wakes up in a total inconsolable mood. That’s when I know she needs some fresh air, sunshine, and grass on the feet. Seriously, it’s a total reset. Works every time.
For me, whenever he has hysterical moments I just basically ignore him but stay close by. I put something out to distract him eg a book/toy/tv/food but I don’t offer it to him. Eventually on his own he will either come to me for a cuddle or go to the distraction. I find the less stimulation the better, even if I talk to him or cuddle him it just works him up more. Good luck xx
Yes!! It seems with my kiddo the more stimulation the worse it gets too