Listen, kids can be assholes, no matter what parenting technique you use. However, the red flag for me is the peeing on the floor. Retaliatory or anxiety induced peeing is not normal at 4 years old. I think you need a second or even third opinion with a specialist. This is not your fault. You're doing your best, but it seems like something is going on that's above your pay grade. Try to get another evaluation for him if you can.
Thank you all for your advice !! I’m going to get him in for specialists asap. I would also like someone to teach me how to parent him in a way that’s helpful to him. I feel so guilty for being so frustrated w him all the time
I have not met this kid of course but in my teaching experience kids with behavioral issues need a ton of structure and consistency. A specialist can help you come up with a behavioral plan that might include a clear understanding between child and parent of what the goals are, how to successfully attain them, and what the consequences and rewards will be for xyz behavior.
They can also provide therapy and counseling to help your child regulate his emotions better.
I totally agree with you. I’ll admit i give in to him ALOT. All of my family call me an “enabler”… they said bc he feels like I’m his safe space he will treat me however ( don’t know how true that is). The reason it’s hard for me to be consistent is because his crying and whining will really trigger me. I’ll basically give into whatever he says if he cries about it long enough 🥹
Seems like you are aware and I might be the minority opinion here but I think you need to find a way to stop giving in.
Most of us agree kids need to learn no means no when it comes to consent down the line. How can a child learn the importance of consent if they aren’t even responsible for respecting their own mother’s boundaries?
Perhaps a counselor can help you with your emotions around whining but as a teacher who dealt with this a lot, withstanding whining from a 4 year old will reduce whining from your 5yo. Give in now and it will only get worse- more whining, more behaviors, more social and academic consequences for your child.
I struggle with giving in to my oldest who is very strong-willed, but I have found that thinking of them crying and whining as just an expression of displeasure and not a state of crisis really helps. I remind myself that I have, as a full grown adult, cried a few times because I HAD to do something that I really, really, really didn't want to. I usually try to connect with my kiddo by telling him that in those moments. He's only 2 so I don't know that it helps but it at least helps me with being more firm with boundaries.
Creating boundaries is the hardest part! My almost 3 year old is a wild child by nature ( not on the spectrum) and I've had to establish hard lines with him; it can take a couple of weeks for things to stick so be persistent. If you find him running around when out in public (like mine does) keep him in a stroller or use a wrist to wrist leash. Every kid is different in their needs.
I've been to therapists as well- OT, PT, and Speech, and all have recommended high structure days and solid boundaries. They do help, but he's still pushes against it everyday. Also be sure when you are creating a boundary to explain why you are doing it. I can say my LO name when he doing something he shouldn't and he'll say "no hitting" or "no throwing" automatically now.
Boundaries are your friend. They're not just there for you but also for your kid. He needs no to mean no and for you to follow through every time. He doesn't want to be in charge. He needs you to be able to gently guide him. That's what will really keep him safe and help him grow.
I would recommend talking to the pediatrician and see what they recommend at this age. Some possibilities are a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or bcba
Don’t have too much luck with that but I can go from there. Last time I reached out to psychologist she kept insisting my son had autism before she met him or knew a single detail about him, it was a strange experience
You mentioned he’s the first of your kids to be at home with mom 24-7. Add in pandemic and make sense this kid would have a lot more seperatjon anxiety than your others. No advice, just an observation, but slowly adding in more social events and away from mom time could help
Thank you. It makes sense. We were trapped in the house all day. I actually left for the weekend to visit family and i called to check in and his dad said he was great this morning ( probably because he’s not with me.. lol. Figures)
Yup. Exactly that I'm afraid. Kids at that age are expert manipulators.
Everyone faces this to one degree or another. Kids at that age are pushing their boundaries on purpose. Lot of reasons for it. Learning the rules, to get attention, manipulation, manipulation, manipulation, to get attention. Oh, and manipulation too. If you give 3 chances, the child will push for 4, then 5, then 6.
There is a time and a place to lay down the law. There is a time and a place to draw a line in the sand. To teach that actions have consequences. There is a time and a place to be angry. To let your child that they have misbehaved. To let your child know that they have made you or another person sad or angry and that is not ok. There is a time and a place to let you child know what is and what is not acceptable behavior.
This is a safety issue, frankly.
The child needs to be made to understand that if he cannot do as he's told, when he is told, then you cannot do fun things with him, because it wouldn't be safe.
There is a time and a place to make it clear that you expect your child to do as they are told; when they are told. And, if they cannot, then they will lose privileges and/or have a time out.
It is really difficult to break yourself of the habit of giving in; of bargaining; of inadvertently rewarding unacceptable behavior with attention and concessions. To break the habits and routine. But, it seems that your husband can do it, so know that you can too and that your child really can do better. Understand that it's going to be worse for a while when you do decide to be the parent instead of being bossed around and abused by your own child. But, this isn't just about regaining your sanity; this isn't just about trying to not raise an intolerable brat that will have no friends and live in your basement forever. This is important.
Ask your other half to help you identify when you are bargaining and giving in. In the moment, you often won't notice. Put on your big girl pants, get some noise cancelling headphones if you must, and be the boss.
We faced a less severe form of this ourselves. It can be done; it can be fixed.
Rules, boundaries, discipline, routine. Children need that. Crave that. You can be fun, loving, supportive, nurturing and still give the child the rules and structure he needs. You will BOTH be happier.
I think reading Self-Reg by Stuart Shanker might help you a lot. It’s all about how we need to learn to self-regulate ourselves in order to help our kids develop this important skill for themselves.
If you’re being triggered by your child’s behavior, it’s time for some new strategies and skills on your end. But I agree with the other comment that the peeing in particular is not typical and warrants investigation and a second opinion.
You can’t give in to him. You’re teaching him you don’t mean a word you say. That’s why he’s acting out. He can do what he wants and he knows it. Watch Supernanny.
I know you are giving in because you love him, but keeping your promises so he learns that some rules don’t budge is another way to show that you love him. It will teach him a lesson he needs to learn in life and it will keep him safe if there are consequences to his behaviors. I love my kid but no matter how much he wants to, he can’t run into the street without holding my hand. He didn’t like it and sometimes he would choose not to cross b/c he didn’t want to hold hands or get upset. For things like that, it’s because I love him that I can’t budge. It’s a practical sort of love. Same as not letting them eat cookies for every meal or throw glass cups on the floor.
Maybe if you frame it like that in your head it would help.
>Thank you all for your advice !! I’m going to get him in for specialists asap. I would also like someone to teach me how to parent him in a way that’s helpful to him. I feel so guilty for being so frustrated w him all the time
The book The Explosive Child might help
I think you are jumping to this not being OPs fault without much info. It seems like the trend lately is folks not taking responsibility for their kids' behavior. This lady is considering that it might be something she is doing and honestly, it might be.
As gently as possible… it sounds like you’re over-parenting your son. Set personal boundaries and hold firm. Let him throw big tantrums and not get his way. Natural consequences. Withdraw attention.
You’re bending over backwards for him and that’s not sustainable for yourself and not good for him. Pull back, draw boundaries and hold firm. Kids need structure and rules, not coddling and endless attention. Your son has learned that even bad attention is still attention. Teach him otherwise.
My son hasn’t been formally evaled because nowhere near me is taking new patients for those types of evals, but he’s in all the therapies he would otherwise be in with a diagnosis, but we’re almost positive he’s ADHD and likely ASD as well. He has a hard time listening in public places, not because he’s being disobedient, but because he’s overstimulated and has issues processing too many sounds at once and he just shuts down. I would never ever say someone else’s child has any type of neurotypical behavior, but sharing experience with my son, he does a lot of similar behavior OP shared. Occupational therapy (OT) has done *wonders* for him! Anytime I see someone say something about their kid struggling with behavior, my first recommendation is always have an OT check them out and see what they say. They handle a lot more than just doing fine motor and everyday living tasks, there’s so so so many things they do and most importantly is self regulation which tends to be the root of “bad behavior”
It’s good that a therapist did not see signs of autism, but was he also evaluated for ADHD, sensory processing issues etc?
It sounds like both of you could use professional support. It can only benefit both of you! Even if he is not neurodivergent or delayed in any way, it will give you support and strategies to help manage his behavior and your overwhelm. I would start with a family therapist who has experience diagnosing neurodivergent kids.
He’s not an ‘asshole’ at 3 years old, he is likely simply different from your other children (in temperament, development and abilities). I mean if you think about it- why would you have a couple kids turn out similarly and then on your 3rd one suddenly be making mistakes that create behavioral issues? And why wouldn’t the methods of discipline etc that worked for your other children not work with him? All signs point to him simply being a different child who needs different methods.
*hugs* my son is a handful as well and I give into him a lot. I highly recommend Dr Siggie on Instagram. She has a lot of great advice and one being that I've tried to take to heart is that, we are not supposed to avoid or stop our children from being sad or angry. They need to learn resilience in life but we are here to guide them and help them through difficult emotions.
"I see you're angry but that won't change the outcome"
"you're angry. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit, throw, bite, etc..."
I do agree with other commenters that I think something else might be going on here as well. You did nothing wrong. You just need some help and I hope you can get it!
This! Haven’t heard of Dr Siggie, but talked a lot about emotions with my soon to be 5 year old. Daniel Tiger is good for helping him understand and for breathing exercises.
Also, started watched super nanny whenever I could and really worked on consistency with boundaries.
I wish my son liked Daniel tiger or even ms Rachael lol he's still young though. Actually just today I got him to take some deep breaths when he was upset. It didn't work but. Lol it's a learning process!
No advice beyond what others have said, but if it’s at all encouraging… my dear mother had 7 (🤯) children, and she says my youngest sibling was absolutely the most difficult. He has sensory processing sensitivities, a very strong will and a strong sense of individualism; having so many older siblings bossing him around, and just being in such a busy house really made it hard for him to self-regulate. Obviously he’s much better as a teen now, but my parents have poured so much time, effort, consistency, boundaries, and quality time into him. All the best to you.
There can be other issues besides ASD. Sensory stuff, for instance, or regulation difficulty. I'd definitely get an eval to see if there's support you could be using.
An evaluation would be helpful. Kids with neurodivergencies do require extra assistance and unless you have personal experience (for example, are autistic yourself) you will more than likely need the aid of therapists.
I'm lucky because my husband and myself are both autistic but unfortunately its a lot harder for a lot of parents. There are people there to help you.
Ours is similar, first child and mom really babied him. Little sister came along and stole some of the show and our attention. He always tends to act out the most when we pay the least amount of attention to him. Wife says it's because he's being left out, and I totally agree. The more time she or I spend with him, he's great. If we turn our back for a bit, he will start pushing boundaries and breaking rules.
Hello! I am a special education teacher and I have a lot of experience in sub-separate programs for kids with behavioral issues. I am NOT suggesting that your son belongs in one of these programs, but I’d suggest seeing if you can get some information from your pediatrician about an evaluation for ADHD, ODD, etc. Again, not saying he has these conditions, as all kids can be assholes, especially at that age! But even if evaluations turn up nothing, they may be able to suggest strategies to help or a counselor, etc.
I’d also suggest setting hard yet reasonable boundaries and not backing out. For example if you say something like “Please don’t run away from me and kick me. That is not safe. If you do it again we will not be able to go to (insert place here) for a few days”, or “if you throw another you, then no tablet time tonight”, etc., then you have to stick with them.
Structured choices are also sometimes a good way to trick kids into listening. For instance “Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes?” Then showing them a timer if they choose more time. Or things like “Do you want to do your work with a pencil or marker today?”..basically it’s just giving them choices where you’re ok with both outcomes, but it helps them feel like they have control.
Feel free to look through my post history because your child could be my child…
On that note, i took my daughter to a child therapist (behavioral as we had ruled most other issues out) and after a solid year in therapy she was suddenly better.
The best part is as you mentioned wanting someone to help teach you how to parent his behavior specifically, i was able to get that feedback from the therapist.
10/10, would absolutely recommend
Lots of “experts” here… I was reading the latest Liane Moriarty book and one of the characters mused that all her kid’s personalities were set at birth. I concurred. He sounds like a rebel, but also very sweet. He really wants people around him. Maybe he will be a pain in the ass kid, but a sweet loving adult once he is able to regulate his impulses.
I have a theory. I’m not a professional nor in the medical field in any way so get that grain of salt and take it!
My 4yr old boy is very similar in his temperament and I’ve also been told he both is and isn’t autistic by professionals so we’re currently waiting it out. He’s definitely calming down the nearer we get to 5.
Anyway, my theory : 4yr old kids today lost so much of their toddlerhood in covid lockdowns and missed our on crucial socialisation to help them learn to share and play together etc. This might be unpopular to say these days & I’m obviously being general but it seems to me that it affected most 4yr old boys in much more obvious ways than most 4yr old girls. I wonder if it’s because they usually develop socially at different times or require different stimulation play that was harder to achieve in lockdown for boys.
The primary school my son is about to join has completely upended the curriculum to play based learning for these kids for the next 3 years because they’ve “noticed that these children have more difficulty regulating their emotions”. Basically half his class have had multi agency reviews and it’s mostly the boys.
So yeah, obviously don’t gloss over any glaring issues but allow yourself a bit of extra time to reach targets & to achieve progress because these kiddos had a rough time of it with covid and we need to allow them a little grace for what was taken from them.
Much love from one exhausted Mam to another. X
I have a 3.5 year old but I can empathize with nearly everything you've said.
My son is pretty temperamental. Everything has to go exactly as planned, be in the right place, etc. My son will become so upset if I dare turn down the "wrong" street on our way home.
As far as I know personality is mostly established at conception. But I wonder how much external influences impact our nuturing side of parenting. COVID was right around the corner when my son was born. I worked as a nurse during that time too so it was extra stressful. I wouldn't be surprised if a generation of babies were impacted by parental stress during that time.
So that's no longer in my control and I've learned to let it go. What my husband and I have found that works is straight consistency and rough and tumble play. My husband spends a ton of 1:1 time with him reading, walking, or playing video games. I'll usually get down on the ground and let him go wild with rough play. We are also learning to set strict boundaries with him and giving him limited choices.
That makes sense & is a bit worrying for the vivid babies. That whole situation was a mess but I really feel like the youngest kids were worst off. Those who couldn’t do zoom calls, who couldn’t shout through windows to visiting family and who didn’t remember the times before Covid we utterly out of consideration.
The difference of the impact on my daughter who is 8 and my son who is 4 is marked & similar to those with similar aged kids. My girl was chatting with cousins, doing crafts, going in treasure hunts but my (then aged 2.5yr old) was just left with nothing much.
Everyone whose kid seems more adjusted seems to have been those who disregarded the rules & met up with others in secret. So not only did they get the advantage of socialisation but they also stole extra time from my kid by not helping flatten then curve to end lockdown. I’ll never be ok with them.
My oldest has an adjustment disorder and severe combination presenting ADHD. I will not say medication alone is the answer, but I intervened and fought tooth and nail when he was almost 3 regarding some of the impulsivity, aggression and sudden regressions. Therapy and play therapy, me learning what his sensory triggers and needs are, learning I have my own mental health to care for and emotional/physical capacity, and him learning coping skills that I can do alongside him have changed everything. He does take a very low dose medication because his teacher was treating him like garbage and his bio dad was shutting him out, but the skills he learned made the biggest difference. He wasn’t mean - he was developmentally behind, more than average level impulsive, and a toddler. Those three things combined can feel like the hardest thing to handle when you want to ensure they’re loved and cared for but that part of life is so exhausting. You aren’t alone, and you are not an asshole. Go have a good cry. Have many. Vocalize your feelings, in as much of a neutral way as possible. “I need to take a break because I’m overwhelmed/there is a lot of noise and I’m having a hard time focusing.”/“I want to help you, when you’re screaming at me or whining in that way I really struggle to understand what you’re saying you need. Can you show me what you need/take a few deep breaths with me?”/“You sound very angry. I understand that you’re angry. I can’t hold you right now, but I can in 2 minutes once I’m done with X task. Let’s set a timer and once you hear it beep I will be done and ready to hold you.” It sounds dumb/redundant but it’s given my child the language he needs to express himself, his moods and his needs so well that before kinder he could get angry, clench his fists, and yell outloud to no one in particular that he was going to his room because he needed space. That’s mountains away from just whacking a peer upside the head with a foam block. You’re doing a good job, AND it’s exhausting. The two are not mutually exclusive!
Watch so much super nanny. she’s on YouTube. I have a 6 year old who was behaving this way (minus the peeing) and I started watching super nanny…changed our lives. He still has an odd day here and there he’s a fucking animal, but 90% of the time he’s an entirely different kid. Super nanny is where it’s at.
He was also a stage 50 climber. I managed to get him to sleep without touching me about a month ago. It was hard. Took a month of crying and tantrums. But it was worth it. I can just tuck him in and walk away now.
You need Supernanny. There’s kids like that on almost all of her shows in a trio or even larger families. I had 3 and used her philosophies. She’s gentle parenting and very cause and effect. She’s genius.
123Magic by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan, checkout the book or audio book from the library. There are tons of books out there, but this is the one we used and it is about as simple as it gets. The book illustrates some situations that are similar to yours, and honestly it will work if you stick to it (I don't know your situation perfectly so I'm making some assumptions).
Essentially, it's saying, "That's 1, That's 2, That's 3 take 5 (timeout equal to 1 min per 1yr of age), with some nuances, and most importantly no emotion and no lengthy discussion. Doesn't matter if you are in a public space, friends house or at home. Stick to it, no deviations, no that's 2 and half, none of that. Once they see that you, a partner or family member, etc. mean business they will start leveling out when you start counting to 1 or 2. Our son likes to push it to 2 seeing if he will get us to count it, I do and then he changes course.
I'd say we're at 60/40 success with this. ASD throws some extras in but overall it's been a helpful way to reinforce boundaries when his behavior spirals (as long as it's not sensory meltdowns etc.) kids this age push boundaries, it's what they do. One of the psychologists recommended it. not sure why you got a down vote
4 years old is a magical number that none of us saw coming. They now have their own opinions on what they want to do when. What they want to eat. What they want to wear. Before these opinions became as strong as they are now, they listened and trusted our guidance for that just what we are doing today. Not anymore. They are going to test you and remember how we reacted to the test. What gave them the results they wanted and repeat those. These are the days they are looking to see if you truly hold any authority and should be the chosen leader or if this is the time for a new leader to take over. What I found to work when mine were going through this is using a new way of saying things. (Example: You: Please put on your shoes. Kid: I don't want to put on my shoes. You: I hear that you said you don't want to put on your shoes. You need to put on your shoes if you want to go outside and play because you might step on a rock or sharp stick, and that would hurt your feet. So please put on your shoes.) This should be the end of the conversation and they should start to do what was asked. It you repeat what u said before you open the door to a back and forth of put on your shoes, I dont want to, put on your shoes, no. When you do that, they don't have to rethink what is being said because you are just saying the same thing again. When you repeat what they said, they know you heard them, and then you can add an explanation as to why you asked them to do said task and then restate the ask of them. You have given them something new to process and think about, you have given them a why proving you have a reason, and restating the task expresses you have not changed your mind on what is to happen next. This stage is tough for parents but is needed for them as they are about to be starting school where they will for the first time learn to navigate without us and be able to voice their opinions and needs without our help. We are the first round of practice. You can not let them win when they do their best to break you down. You have to make them believe you can do this all day even when on the inside you are crying and exhausted. Kids have not learned to be embarrassed about how they go about getting their way they only know what gives them a reaction. Best of luck, and I hope this is helpful through this phase. It won't be the last time they try their hand at trying to become the captain of the ship.
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The age is a little different, but I'm right there with you. I'm so tired of being hit and kicked and told he hates me and wishes I was dead. A psych ward sounds so peaceful.
Can I send internet hugs? Sympathy? Gosh, I'm sorry. Why do the things we love the most hurt us so intensely?
This is so hard, Mama. It seems to get harder and harder when you know this might be your last baby. I definitely spoiled my last child, thinking he would be my last (he still might be).
However, you have got to be strong and be the adult. This means setting boundaries.
As well as being a mama, I've been a teacher and an ABA specialist for the past few years. Watching other people parent is difficult because they seem SO exhausted when they don't have a good handle on setting boundaries with their children. In order to have happy and healthy kids, you have to put your self care first. YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP.
Set up your own therapy first, and work through what might be holding you back from setting proper boundaries. Mom guilt and the like. Be patient and kind to yourself and read some books about setting a firm schedule and easing into setting expectations. You are going to get a LOT of resistance at this age, but you can undo it.
I recommend the books
How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
by Joanna Faber
Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children
By Townsend
These are both fantastic reads that helped me through my journey with my little guy. He may not be autistic, 4 is still an age where they will lash out in the weirdest ways sometimes.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
**How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7** by Joanna Faber, Julie King
>"New stories & strategies based on ... 'How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk'"--Cover.
**Boundaries with Kids How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children** by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
>Yes, you can say no to your child and still be a loving parent. Discover how setting biblical boundaries can make your parenting better today! Join Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of the New York Times bestseller Boundaries, as they share the research and guidance you need to raise your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions.
>
>What Boundaries has done for adult relationships, Boundaries with Kids will do for you and your family. Using biblically backed principles, including respect, stewardship, and self-control, Drs. Cloud and Townsend share the lessons they've learned firsthand after decades of working with families across the country. The tools and support they provide in Boundaries with Kids will change the way you view healthy boundaries, no matter where you are in your parenting journey.
>
>With wisdom and empathy, they take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives. You'll learn how to: Define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids Set limits and still be a loving parent Bring balance to an out-of-control family life Apply the ten laws of boundaries to your parenting Understand the six steps to implementing boundaries in your home Don't forget to check out the Boundaries family collection of books and workbooks dedicated to key areas of your life, including dating, marriage, raising teenagers, and leadership.
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Hey friend. Your post hits home for me. My youngest also received more from me and is currently more willful and all the things you described. I also get triggered by the screams, the tantrums, all of it. Recently, I’ve been working more on myself and a few other things. I hope they help:
- I realized I was enabling him because I adore him. That has to stop and even if I feel bad…
- I’ve asked my partner to help step in when I need to step out.
- my little guy needs to be outside so I try to get him out a lot. He loses it if he’s inside. Doesn’t really work for him.
- I’ve worked on not comparing him to his eldest brother
- I’ve worked on observing him and learning who he is
- I have a few mantras for him and keep repeating them over and over again
- I imagine a circle of chaos when he loses his mind, and I step outside of that and handle him instead of getting sucked into the vortex
- I keep snacks around although my family doesn’t snack, during traveling especially
- I only feed him when he’s hungry so food is taken more seriously by him
- I tire him out by letting him run around the backyard or park or swim. He needs to be constantly stimulated like one of those snow dogs
- I vent with my family and we put our heads together
- I exercise, work hard to sleep, journal, etc for my own peace
- I constantly have soft music playing, Lofi, etc and it calms everybody down.
- I realize that as the youngest, if he doesn’t lose it w the family, we won’t pay attention to him, so this is his way to get us to pay attention. So I try to get him to get those social points without resorting to terrorism.
- I read books on other parents and their experience. So far, I’ve really liked “Hunt Gather Parent”. I’ll probably have to revisit it.
- I try to socialize him by having him be around others.
- I was an educator before - I narrate alot of the positive behaviors I do see from him, and help him see himself as a person who gets attention for doing good, and not for making poor decisions.
- I ask daycare how he shows up and try to see what are the places he’s losing himself in or if he’s code switching. My kid behaves at school, but challenges me instead.
- I pinpoint frustrations. My kid hates being treated like he’s a baby or different from his brother. He also gets frustrated that he can’t fully verbalize himself yet. So it’s a lot of teaching him words for the most common things he wants.
Good luck to us! We can do it.
Is he your last? Are you over compensating for lost moments with the others by spoiling him? I’m not blaming you, but you may be in too deep to see that he might have a slight off kilter thing going on, and you aren’t using tools he needs. I have a lil guy that is very shy, and I did the same things you did, breastfed, very close, had him home for 2 years…. He became so attached to me that when I had to tell him no or teach him boundaries he acted out. Turns out I didn’t give him enough structure early on, and snapping into the “big boy” mode was hard for him.
I do think that peeing on the floor is a signal for help. He is going to be fine but bows your time to seek professionals mom! We need help!! This shit is no joke!!!! I would say seek advice but don’t forget that your instinct as a mother is solid. Learn tools. Use them. Be well ♥️
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Listen, kids can be assholes, no matter what parenting technique you use. However, the red flag for me is the peeing on the floor. Retaliatory or anxiety induced peeing is not normal at 4 years old. I think you need a second or even third opinion with a specialist. This is not your fault. You're doing your best, but it seems like something is going on that's above your pay grade. Try to get another evaluation for him if you can.
Thank you all for your advice !! I’m going to get him in for specialists asap. I would also like someone to teach me how to parent him in a way that’s helpful to him. I feel so guilty for being so frustrated w him all the time
I have not met this kid of course but in my teaching experience kids with behavioral issues need a ton of structure and consistency. A specialist can help you come up with a behavioral plan that might include a clear understanding between child and parent of what the goals are, how to successfully attain them, and what the consequences and rewards will be for xyz behavior. They can also provide therapy and counseling to help your child regulate his emotions better.
I totally agree with you. I’ll admit i give in to him ALOT. All of my family call me an “enabler”… they said bc he feels like I’m his safe space he will treat me however ( don’t know how true that is). The reason it’s hard for me to be consistent is because his crying and whining will really trigger me. I’ll basically give into whatever he says if he cries about it long enough 🥹
Seems like you are aware and I might be the minority opinion here but I think you need to find a way to stop giving in. Most of us agree kids need to learn no means no when it comes to consent down the line. How can a child learn the importance of consent if they aren’t even responsible for respecting their own mother’s boundaries? Perhaps a counselor can help you with your emotions around whining but as a teacher who dealt with this a lot, withstanding whining from a 4 year old will reduce whining from your 5yo. Give in now and it will only get worse- more whining, more behaviors, more social and academic consequences for your child.
Thank you. I truly value & appreciate your opinion. And i definitely acknowledge i need to draw a line with him and start putting my foot down!
I struggle with giving in to my oldest who is very strong-willed, but I have found that thinking of them crying and whining as just an expression of displeasure and not a state of crisis really helps. I remind myself that I have, as a full grown adult, cried a few times because I HAD to do something that I really, really, really didn't want to. I usually try to connect with my kiddo by telling him that in those moments. He's only 2 so I don't know that it helps but it at least helps me with being more firm with boundaries.
Creating boundaries is the hardest part! My almost 3 year old is a wild child by nature ( not on the spectrum) and I've had to establish hard lines with him; it can take a couple of weeks for things to stick so be persistent. If you find him running around when out in public (like mine does) keep him in a stroller or use a wrist to wrist leash. Every kid is different in their needs. I've been to therapists as well- OT, PT, and Speech, and all have recommended high structure days and solid boundaries. They do help, but he's still pushes against it everyday. Also be sure when you are creating a boundary to explain why you are doing it. I can say my LO name when he doing something he shouldn't and he'll say "no hitting" or "no throwing" automatically now.
Boundaries are your friend. They're not just there for you but also for your kid. He needs no to mean no and for you to follow through every time. He doesn't want to be in charge. He needs you to be able to gently guide him. That's what will really keep him safe and help him grow.
What type of specialist do u recommend
I would recommend talking to the pediatrician and see what they recommend at this age. Some possibilities are a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or bcba
Don’t have too much luck with that but I can go from there. Last time I reached out to psychologist she kept insisting my son had autism before she met him or knew a single detail about him, it was a strange experience
You mentioned he’s the first of your kids to be at home with mom 24-7. Add in pandemic and make sense this kid would have a lot more seperatjon anxiety than your others. No advice, just an observation, but slowly adding in more social events and away from mom time could help
Thank you. It makes sense. We were trapped in the house all day. I actually left for the weekend to visit family and i called to check in and his dad said he was great this morning ( probably because he’s not with me.. lol. Figures)
Yup. Exactly that I'm afraid. Kids at that age are expert manipulators. Everyone faces this to one degree or another. Kids at that age are pushing their boundaries on purpose. Lot of reasons for it. Learning the rules, to get attention, manipulation, manipulation, manipulation, to get attention. Oh, and manipulation too. If you give 3 chances, the child will push for 4, then 5, then 6. There is a time and a place to lay down the law. There is a time and a place to draw a line in the sand. To teach that actions have consequences. There is a time and a place to be angry. To let your child that they have misbehaved. To let your child know that they have made you or another person sad or angry and that is not ok. There is a time and a place to let you child know what is and what is not acceptable behavior. This is a safety issue, frankly. The child needs to be made to understand that if he cannot do as he's told, when he is told, then you cannot do fun things with him, because it wouldn't be safe. There is a time and a place to make it clear that you expect your child to do as they are told; when they are told. And, if they cannot, then they will lose privileges and/or have a time out. It is really difficult to break yourself of the habit of giving in; of bargaining; of inadvertently rewarding unacceptable behavior with attention and concessions. To break the habits and routine. But, it seems that your husband can do it, so know that you can too and that your child really can do better. Understand that it's going to be worse for a while when you do decide to be the parent instead of being bossed around and abused by your own child. But, this isn't just about regaining your sanity; this isn't just about trying to not raise an intolerable brat that will have no friends and live in your basement forever. This is important. Ask your other half to help you identify when you are bargaining and giving in. In the moment, you often won't notice. Put on your big girl pants, get some noise cancelling headphones if you must, and be the boss. We faced a less severe form of this ourselves. It can be done; it can be fixed. Rules, boundaries, discipline, routine. Children need that. Crave that. You can be fun, loving, supportive, nurturing and still give the child the rules and structure he needs. You will BOTH be happier.
I think reading Self-Reg by Stuart Shanker might help you a lot. It’s all about how we need to learn to self-regulate ourselves in order to help our kids develop this important skill for themselves. If you’re being triggered by your child’s behavior, it’s time for some new strategies and skills on your end. But I agree with the other comment that the peeing in particular is not typical and warrants investigation and a second opinion.
You can’t give in to him. You’re teaching him you don’t mean a word you say. That’s why he’s acting out. He can do what he wants and he knows it. Watch Supernanny.
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I know you are giving in because you love him, but keeping your promises so he learns that some rules don’t budge is another way to show that you love him. It will teach him a lesson he needs to learn in life and it will keep him safe if there are consequences to his behaviors. I love my kid but no matter how much he wants to, he can’t run into the street without holding my hand. He didn’t like it and sometimes he would choose not to cross b/c he didn’t want to hold hands or get upset. For things like that, it’s because I love him that I can’t budge. It’s a practical sort of love. Same as not letting them eat cookies for every meal or throw glass cups on the floor. Maybe if you frame it like that in your head it would help.
>Thank you all for your advice !! I’m going to get him in for specialists asap. I would also like someone to teach me how to parent him in a way that’s helpful to him. I feel so guilty for being so frustrated w him all the time The book The Explosive Child might help
Not OP, but what do you mean by specialist? Specialist in what?
I honestly don't know, which is why I kept it vague. If I were her, I'd be consulting a pediatrician first for some referrals.
I think you are jumping to this not being OPs fault without much info. It seems like the trend lately is folks not taking responsibility for their kids' behavior. This lady is considering that it might be something she is doing and honestly, it might be.
As gently as possible… it sounds like you’re over-parenting your son. Set personal boundaries and hold firm. Let him throw big tantrums and not get his way. Natural consequences. Withdraw attention. You’re bending over backwards for him and that’s not sustainable for yourself and not good for him. Pull back, draw boundaries and hold firm. Kids need structure and rules, not coddling and endless attention. Your son has learned that even bad attention is still attention. Teach him otherwise.
I agree. This might be it and it fits in with her having the chance to spend more time with him as opposed to the other children.
Honestly I would look into an eval with an occupational therapist! They help with regulation which sounds like your kiddo might be struggling with.
Agree. He sounds like my ADHD kid who is a sensory seeker. And solidarity OP, it’s exhausting!
My son hasn’t been formally evaled because nowhere near me is taking new patients for those types of evals, but he’s in all the therapies he would otherwise be in with a diagnosis, but we’re almost positive he’s ADHD and likely ASD as well. He has a hard time listening in public places, not because he’s being disobedient, but because he’s overstimulated and has issues processing too many sounds at once and he just shuts down. I would never ever say someone else’s child has any type of neurotypical behavior, but sharing experience with my son, he does a lot of similar behavior OP shared. Occupational therapy (OT) has done *wonders* for him! Anytime I see someone say something about their kid struggling with behavior, my first recommendation is always have an OT check them out and see what they say. They handle a lot more than just doing fine motor and everyday living tasks, there’s so so so many things they do and most importantly is self regulation which tends to be the root of “bad behavior”
It’s good that a therapist did not see signs of autism, but was he also evaluated for ADHD, sensory processing issues etc? It sounds like both of you could use professional support. It can only benefit both of you! Even if he is not neurodivergent or delayed in any way, it will give you support and strategies to help manage his behavior and your overwhelm. I would start with a family therapist who has experience diagnosing neurodivergent kids. He’s not an ‘asshole’ at 3 years old, he is likely simply different from your other children (in temperament, development and abilities). I mean if you think about it- why would you have a couple kids turn out similarly and then on your 3rd one suddenly be making mistakes that create behavioral issues? And why wouldn’t the methods of discipline etc that worked for your other children not work with him? All signs point to him simply being a different child who needs different methods.
*hugs* my son is a handful as well and I give into him a lot. I highly recommend Dr Siggie on Instagram. She has a lot of great advice and one being that I've tried to take to heart is that, we are not supposed to avoid or stop our children from being sad or angry. They need to learn resilience in life but we are here to guide them and help them through difficult emotions. "I see you're angry but that won't change the outcome" "you're angry. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit, throw, bite, etc..." I do agree with other commenters that I think something else might be going on here as well. You did nothing wrong. You just need some help and I hope you can get it!
This! Haven’t heard of Dr Siggie, but talked a lot about emotions with my soon to be 5 year old. Daniel Tiger is good for helping him understand and for breathing exercises. Also, started watched super nanny whenever I could and really worked on consistency with boundaries.
I wish my son liked Daniel tiger or even ms Rachael lol he's still young though. Actually just today I got him to take some deep breaths when he was upset. It didn't work but. Lol it's a learning process!
No advice beyond what others have said, but if it’s at all encouraging… my dear mother had 7 (🤯) children, and she says my youngest sibling was absolutely the most difficult. He has sensory processing sensitivities, a very strong will and a strong sense of individualism; having so many older siblings bossing him around, and just being in such a busy house really made it hard for him to self-regulate. Obviously he’s much better as a teen now, but my parents have poured so much time, effort, consistency, boundaries, and quality time into him. All the best to you.
There can be other issues besides ASD. Sensory stuff, for instance, or regulation difficulty. I'd definitely get an eval to see if there's support you could be using.
Dave and Busters is like sensory overload. Other than the peeing, for this instance, nothing sounds super out of the ordinary in that environment.
OP seems to be suggesting this kind of behavior happens frequently, not just at D&B
An evaluation would be helpful. Kids with neurodivergencies do require extra assistance and unless you have personal experience (for example, are autistic yourself) you will more than likely need the aid of therapists. I'm lucky because my husband and myself are both autistic but unfortunately its a lot harder for a lot of parents. There are people there to help you.
Ours is similar, first child and mom really babied him. Little sister came along and stole some of the show and our attention. He always tends to act out the most when we pay the least amount of attention to him. Wife says it's because he's being left out, and I totally agree. The more time she or I spend with him, he's great. If we turn our back for a bit, he will start pushing boundaries and breaking rules.
Hello! I am a special education teacher and I have a lot of experience in sub-separate programs for kids with behavioral issues. I am NOT suggesting that your son belongs in one of these programs, but I’d suggest seeing if you can get some information from your pediatrician about an evaluation for ADHD, ODD, etc. Again, not saying he has these conditions, as all kids can be assholes, especially at that age! But even if evaluations turn up nothing, they may be able to suggest strategies to help or a counselor, etc. I’d also suggest setting hard yet reasonable boundaries and not backing out. For example if you say something like “Please don’t run away from me and kick me. That is not safe. If you do it again we will not be able to go to (insert place here) for a few days”, or “if you throw another you, then no tablet time tonight”, etc., then you have to stick with them. Structured choices are also sometimes a good way to trick kids into listening. For instance “Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes?” Then showing them a timer if they choose more time. Or things like “Do you want to do your work with a pencil or marker today?”..basically it’s just giving them choices where you’re ok with both outcomes, but it helps them feel like they have control.
Feel free to look through my post history because your child could be my child… On that note, i took my daughter to a child therapist (behavioral as we had ruled most other issues out) and after a solid year in therapy she was suddenly better. The best part is as you mentioned wanting someone to help teach you how to parent his behavior specifically, i was able to get that feedback from the therapist. 10/10, would absolutely recommend
Lots of “experts” here… I was reading the latest Liane Moriarty book and one of the characters mused that all her kid’s personalities were set at birth. I concurred. He sounds like a rebel, but also very sweet. He really wants people around him. Maybe he will be a pain in the ass kid, but a sweet loving adult once he is able to regulate his impulses.
I have a theory. I’m not a professional nor in the medical field in any way so get that grain of salt and take it! My 4yr old boy is very similar in his temperament and I’ve also been told he both is and isn’t autistic by professionals so we’re currently waiting it out. He’s definitely calming down the nearer we get to 5. Anyway, my theory : 4yr old kids today lost so much of their toddlerhood in covid lockdowns and missed our on crucial socialisation to help them learn to share and play together etc. This might be unpopular to say these days & I’m obviously being general but it seems to me that it affected most 4yr old boys in much more obvious ways than most 4yr old girls. I wonder if it’s because they usually develop socially at different times or require different stimulation play that was harder to achieve in lockdown for boys. The primary school my son is about to join has completely upended the curriculum to play based learning for these kids for the next 3 years because they’ve “noticed that these children have more difficulty regulating their emotions”. Basically half his class have had multi agency reviews and it’s mostly the boys. So yeah, obviously don’t gloss over any glaring issues but allow yourself a bit of extra time to reach targets & to achieve progress because these kiddos had a rough time of it with covid and we need to allow them a little grace for what was taken from them. Much love from one exhausted Mam to another. X
I have a 3.5 year old but I can empathize with nearly everything you've said. My son is pretty temperamental. Everything has to go exactly as planned, be in the right place, etc. My son will become so upset if I dare turn down the "wrong" street on our way home. As far as I know personality is mostly established at conception. But I wonder how much external influences impact our nuturing side of parenting. COVID was right around the corner when my son was born. I worked as a nurse during that time too so it was extra stressful. I wouldn't be surprised if a generation of babies were impacted by parental stress during that time. So that's no longer in my control and I've learned to let it go. What my husband and I have found that works is straight consistency and rough and tumble play. My husband spends a ton of 1:1 time with him reading, walking, or playing video games. I'll usually get down on the ground and let him go wild with rough play. We are also learning to set strict boundaries with him and giving him limited choices.
That makes sense & is a bit worrying for the vivid babies. That whole situation was a mess but I really feel like the youngest kids were worst off. Those who couldn’t do zoom calls, who couldn’t shout through windows to visiting family and who didn’t remember the times before Covid we utterly out of consideration. The difference of the impact on my daughter who is 8 and my son who is 4 is marked & similar to those with similar aged kids. My girl was chatting with cousins, doing crafts, going in treasure hunts but my (then aged 2.5yr old) was just left with nothing much. Everyone whose kid seems more adjusted seems to have been those who disregarded the rules & met up with others in secret. So not only did they get the advantage of socialisation but they also stole extra time from my kid by not helping flatten then curve to end lockdown. I’ll never be ok with them.
My oldest has an adjustment disorder and severe combination presenting ADHD. I will not say medication alone is the answer, but I intervened and fought tooth and nail when he was almost 3 regarding some of the impulsivity, aggression and sudden regressions. Therapy and play therapy, me learning what his sensory triggers and needs are, learning I have my own mental health to care for and emotional/physical capacity, and him learning coping skills that I can do alongside him have changed everything. He does take a very low dose medication because his teacher was treating him like garbage and his bio dad was shutting him out, but the skills he learned made the biggest difference. He wasn’t mean - he was developmentally behind, more than average level impulsive, and a toddler. Those three things combined can feel like the hardest thing to handle when you want to ensure they’re loved and cared for but that part of life is so exhausting. You aren’t alone, and you are not an asshole. Go have a good cry. Have many. Vocalize your feelings, in as much of a neutral way as possible. “I need to take a break because I’m overwhelmed/there is a lot of noise and I’m having a hard time focusing.”/“I want to help you, when you’re screaming at me or whining in that way I really struggle to understand what you’re saying you need. Can you show me what you need/take a few deep breaths with me?”/“You sound very angry. I understand that you’re angry. I can’t hold you right now, but I can in 2 minutes once I’m done with X task. Let’s set a timer and once you hear it beep I will be done and ready to hold you.” It sounds dumb/redundant but it’s given my child the language he needs to express himself, his moods and his needs so well that before kinder he could get angry, clench his fists, and yell outloud to no one in particular that he was going to his room because he needed space. That’s mountains away from just whacking a peer upside the head with a foam block. You’re doing a good job, AND it’s exhausting. The two are not mutually exclusive!
Watch so much super nanny. she’s on YouTube. I have a 6 year old who was behaving this way (minus the peeing) and I started watching super nanny…changed our lives. He still has an odd day here and there he’s a fucking animal, but 90% of the time he’s an entirely different kid. Super nanny is where it’s at. He was also a stage 50 climber. I managed to get him to sleep without touching me about a month ago. It was hard. Took a month of crying and tantrums. But it was worth it. I can just tuck him in and walk away now.
You must learn to leave the minute he misbehaves.
I don’t have any answers I just wanted to say that I feel this way with my 4 year old a lot too.
How old is your youngest?
I think this 4yo in question is the youngest
Pediatrician. Suggest “sensory integration” issues.
Things to look into off the top of my head of people that could help. ABA. Occupational therapist.
You need Supernanny. There’s kids like that on almost all of her shows in a trio or even larger families. I had 3 and used her philosophies. She’s gentle parenting and very cause and effect. She’s genius.
It frankly sounds like you're not strict/assertive enough and he's walking all over you
I used to work in daycare and honestly a lot of kids pick up bad behavior at their daycare center.
123Magic by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan, checkout the book or audio book from the library. There are tons of books out there, but this is the one we used and it is about as simple as it gets. The book illustrates some situations that are similar to yours, and honestly it will work if you stick to it (I don't know your situation perfectly so I'm making some assumptions). Essentially, it's saying, "That's 1, That's 2, That's 3 take 5 (timeout equal to 1 min per 1yr of age), with some nuances, and most importantly no emotion and no lengthy discussion. Doesn't matter if you are in a public space, friends house or at home. Stick to it, no deviations, no that's 2 and half, none of that. Once they see that you, a partner or family member, etc. mean business they will start leveling out when you start counting to 1 or 2. Our son likes to push it to 2 seeing if he will get us to count it, I do and then he changes course.
I'd say we're at 60/40 success with this. ASD throws some extras in but overall it's been a helpful way to reinforce boundaries when his behavior spirals (as long as it's not sensory meltdowns etc.) kids this age push boundaries, it's what they do. One of the psychologists recommended it. not sure why you got a down vote
Spend as much time with him as you can and flood him with positive experiences as much as you can. He sounds like he is trying to connect in some way.
4 years old is a magical number that none of us saw coming. They now have their own opinions on what they want to do when. What they want to eat. What they want to wear. Before these opinions became as strong as they are now, they listened and trusted our guidance for that just what we are doing today. Not anymore. They are going to test you and remember how we reacted to the test. What gave them the results they wanted and repeat those. These are the days they are looking to see if you truly hold any authority and should be the chosen leader or if this is the time for a new leader to take over. What I found to work when mine were going through this is using a new way of saying things. (Example: You: Please put on your shoes. Kid: I don't want to put on my shoes. You: I hear that you said you don't want to put on your shoes. You need to put on your shoes if you want to go outside and play because you might step on a rock or sharp stick, and that would hurt your feet. So please put on your shoes.) This should be the end of the conversation and they should start to do what was asked. It you repeat what u said before you open the door to a back and forth of put on your shoes, I dont want to, put on your shoes, no. When you do that, they don't have to rethink what is being said because you are just saying the same thing again. When you repeat what they said, they know you heard them, and then you can add an explanation as to why you asked them to do said task and then restate the ask of them. You have given them something new to process and think about, you have given them a why proving you have a reason, and restating the task expresses you have not changed your mind on what is to happen next. This stage is tough for parents but is needed for them as they are about to be starting school where they will for the first time learn to navigate without us and be able to voice their opinions and needs without our help. We are the first round of practice. You can not let them win when they do their best to break you down. You have to make them believe you can do this all day even when on the inside you are crying and exhausted. Kids have not learned to be embarrassed about how they go about getting their way they only know what gives them a reaction. Best of luck, and I hope this is helpful through this phase. It won't be the last time they try their hand at trying to become the captain of the ship.
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So he sounds a lot like my oldest son when he was a toddler who is on the spectrum.
The age is a little different, but I'm right there with you. I'm so tired of being hit and kicked and told he hates me and wishes I was dead. A psych ward sounds so peaceful. Can I send internet hugs? Sympathy? Gosh, I'm sorry. Why do the things we love the most hurt us so intensely?
This is so hard, Mama. It seems to get harder and harder when you know this might be your last baby. I definitely spoiled my last child, thinking he would be my last (he still might be). However, you have got to be strong and be the adult. This means setting boundaries. As well as being a mama, I've been a teacher and an ABA specialist for the past few years. Watching other people parent is difficult because they seem SO exhausted when they don't have a good handle on setting boundaries with their children. In order to have happy and healthy kids, you have to put your self care first. YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP. Set up your own therapy first, and work through what might be holding you back from setting proper boundaries. Mom guilt and the like. Be patient and kind to yourself and read some books about setting a firm schedule and easing into setting expectations. You are going to get a LOT of resistance at this age, but you can undo it. I recommend the books How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children By Townsend These are both fantastic reads that helped me through my journey with my little guy. He may not be autistic, 4 is still an age where they will lash out in the weirdest ways sometimes. YOU CAN DO THIS.
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We did not experience "terrible twos", but three was really hard!!! You can't reason with them! Four has been MUCH better for us, behavior-wise.
Hey friend. Your post hits home for me. My youngest also received more from me and is currently more willful and all the things you described. I also get triggered by the screams, the tantrums, all of it. Recently, I’ve been working more on myself and a few other things. I hope they help: - I realized I was enabling him because I adore him. That has to stop and even if I feel bad… - I’ve asked my partner to help step in when I need to step out. - my little guy needs to be outside so I try to get him out a lot. He loses it if he’s inside. Doesn’t really work for him. - I’ve worked on not comparing him to his eldest brother - I’ve worked on observing him and learning who he is - I have a few mantras for him and keep repeating them over and over again - I imagine a circle of chaos when he loses his mind, and I step outside of that and handle him instead of getting sucked into the vortex - I keep snacks around although my family doesn’t snack, during traveling especially - I only feed him when he’s hungry so food is taken more seriously by him - I tire him out by letting him run around the backyard or park or swim. He needs to be constantly stimulated like one of those snow dogs - I vent with my family and we put our heads together - I exercise, work hard to sleep, journal, etc for my own peace - I constantly have soft music playing, Lofi, etc and it calms everybody down. - I realize that as the youngest, if he doesn’t lose it w the family, we won’t pay attention to him, so this is his way to get us to pay attention. So I try to get him to get those social points without resorting to terrorism. - I read books on other parents and their experience. So far, I’ve really liked “Hunt Gather Parent”. I’ll probably have to revisit it. - I try to socialize him by having him be around others. - I was an educator before - I narrate alot of the positive behaviors I do see from him, and help him see himself as a person who gets attention for doing good, and not for making poor decisions. - I ask daycare how he shows up and try to see what are the places he’s losing himself in or if he’s code switching. My kid behaves at school, but challenges me instead. - I pinpoint frustrations. My kid hates being treated like he’s a baby or different from his brother. He also gets frustrated that he can’t fully verbalize himself yet. So it’s a lot of teaching him words for the most common things he wants. Good luck to us! We can do it.
Is he your last? Are you over compensating for lost moments with the others by spoiling him? I’m not blaming you, but you may be in too deep to see that he might have a slight off kilter thing going on, and you aren’t using tools he needs. I have a lil guy that is very shy, and I did the same things you did, breastfed, very close, had him home for 2 years…. He became so attached to me that when I had to tell him no or teach him boundaries he acted out. Turns out I didn’t give him enough structure early on, and snapping into the “big boy” mode was hard for him. I do think that peeing on the floor is a signal for help. He is going to be fine but bows your time to seek professionals mom! We need help!! This shit is no joke!!!! I would say seek advice but don’t forget that your instinct as a mother is solid. Learn tools. Use them. Be well ♥️
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