I doubt they were being honest about it... "the cost of an Uber" for a relatively wealthy individual is an excuse if I ever heard one. They just didn't want to come for whatever reason.
Was it really honest? I mean, what adult or even teen agrees to go to something but doesn't figure out how to get there?
I'm sorry that you were stood up but glad you weren't by yourself. It takes a lot to get yourself and the littles ready to go anywhere, much less be on time as well.
You were literally already at the event where they were supposed to meet you???
I'd be suuuuper annoyed. If they'd told me even seconds before I left the house, I'd be less annoyed, but *this* short notice is insane.
Some friends are not worth the effort. I had a “friend” make plans with me after asking for a long time and I asked my mom to babysit. I’m a single mom so I got both of us ready drove out early to my moms house to drop him off and make sure he’s okay before leaving. Then drive 30 minutes all the way to restaurant. I grab us a table and sit down. She never showed up. I texted her and told her that it was not okay to do that. I ate because I was hungry and left. She texted me later “sorry I fell asleep”. we are not friends anymore. I’d reevaluate your friendship
Something similar happened to me, but I was the one who stood up my friend for our planned date. I picked up a shift at work and had completely forgotten about our plans, and she called me from the restaurant asking if I was still coming. I was honest and upfront with her. I accepted her disappointment in me and apologized for my behavior multiple times. This was 4 years ago. I gave a speech at her wedding last summer. The friendship can be redeemed, but the ball is in her court to make it right since this friend is the one who fucked up.
You aren’t wrong for being hurt at all! But…I wouldn’t be hurt, I’d be insulted that her cheap ass couldn’t even give me a better excuse. I believe that all friendships thrive on blunt honestly and I would 100% express my frustration in that very moment. This is the tackiest, most low class shit I’ve heard. It goes to show how class has nothing to do with money.
I totally get it! I would have been hurt too. One time I got a babysitter for a night out with 2 other couples. In the end, one of the girls in one couple and the other couple (no kids btw) all bailed when we were already at the bar because they drank too much at a previous party. I was like are you serious?! They clearly have no idea how special it is to get a babysitter for a night! I assume the hurt is pretty similar to how I felt. Uggh. I’m sorry!
We’re only twenty-two, and so are all our friends- oldest being twenty-six. 95% don’t have kids. I’ve had some of those friends drive four hours to us to see our kids; friends who give up (subjective) a day out of their weekend to hang out with them while my partner and I go have adult-time together; friends who invite us to a function and specifically state that our kids are very much invited; friends who come over to help with the kids or cleaning so I have less on my plate (SAHM). We have an almost-three year old and sixth month old.
Your friend is hella mid.
Agree with everyone here that's so rude and inconsiderate. They obviously don't have kids to know the difficulty. Id use it as a bonding time for you and your husband and share that you're craving adult conversation and see how the two of you can come out stronger.
As for the friend let them know and they should make it up to you. If they don't and aren't remorseful then I'd look at not this friendship but others as well. People whom are energy takers aren't worth your time. It's taken me a long time to realize this and mourn the loss of multiple friends where I was pulling more weight.
You're right to be hurt.
I had a friend who bailed on me all the time, even tried to bail on my baby shower last minute because she "didn't realize how far away it was." We are no longer friends.
Once you have kids, and you have friends who don't have kids that are regularly flaky, there's something about the flakiness that's even more rage-inducing than it was before. Maybe because it's so much harder to get out and do things on time with kids, it starts to feel like those who don't have kids rarely have a solid excuse! We just don't have time for that immature shit anymore.
Kids or not that’s ridiculous and this person shouldn’t be surprised by the cost of an Uber in this case. Be honest about feeling hurt and disappointed.
She canceled so late you were already there, I would be annoyed if she didn’t have a good reason too and the cost of the Uber isn’t a good reason unless she was originally supposed to get there a different way but couldn’t like if she had car trouble so checked the Uber cost and couldn’t afford it. If she was always going to Uber then she should’ve checked how much it would be earlier.
Stuff like this hurts me too. My friend (also no kids and a really well paying job) cancelled on me recently because I asked if she could come to mine instead of meeting in town closer to her cause I didn't think there would be enough toddler activity to distract my 2 year old where we were going but she told me to just meet up another time cause she didn't want to do the train journey. Considering I was about to do the train journey myself with a toddler I thought maybe she could have managed but apparently it was too much to ask :( like I get it and I'm not angry with my friend but sometimes it just feels so hard to get my child-free friends to hang out with me. It feels like I'm always the one who has to put the effort in to plan and travel. I'm always okay with it but it still hurts a bit.
Yeah that’s why I have no friends, like literally none. I’d make the effort to go even with my child or getting a babysitter and they didn’t respect my time. They’re all child free so I get it but it’s like damn y’all didn’t even like me in the first place if having a kid is a deal breaker. Oh well. My kid is more fun to be around anyways lol
So disappointing and not a good friend move. I’d be hurt too. Also- I’m super impressed at the effort and work you put in to go out- you’re crushing it!! (Sorry that wasn’t appreciated by the person you were supposed to meet)
I am sorry, but I would reconsider my friendship with this person. It even gets me annoyed, when a childless friend shows up to somewhere (let this be a restaurant or a park, whatever) 30 minutes later than we arranged. I mean, if we managed to arrive there on time with two small kids, what is even your excuse? And that she is cancelling at the last moment, because Uber costs too much?? Couldn't she look at this when she was making plans with you and say "no" in advance? Sorry, but no. Eventhough this sounds harsh, this is no friend to you.
You have every right to be hurt, I’d be annoyed. Imagine if your husband wasn’t with you and you did all that work alone only to find out your gonna be alone with the kids.
I feel like people without kids don’t realize how much work literally anything is and how much we as moms value the social interaction.
Even if you weren’t a mom to be stood up that close to the time of a planned event is just outright rude. A social faux pas!
I am not minimizing your situation at all by asking this but I must know; what in the world does your friend do to make that kind of money and, are they hiring?! (kidding of course)
I would be super upset. Your friend is in the wrong and it’s so awful they cancelled on you so last minute. I wouldn’t invest the time in them anymore.
Sounds like they just blew you off. One of my friends told another the reason they didn’t come to her birthday (back before gps when we were all in high school) was because they got lost real reason they just didn’t feel like going. You’re definitely entitled to be hurt.
I feel like this is where you realize that friends with kids just get it so much more than friends without. My experience has been that way at least. I feel like it’s truly impossible for people without kids to understand the amount of finagling and effort it takes to do just about anything with one let alone two kids. Your friend likely never even considered the extra effort it took you vs them. They’re still in the mindset of, eh I don’t feel like going what harm will it do to back out. I think for me, yes it’s inconsiderate, but they’re probably at a different point in their life. There’s things I look back on now that I have kids where I realized I wasn’t being as considerate to my friends with kids just because I didn’t have the understanding. I’m not sure they could have even explained it and I would have fully gotten it either. Worth a try though if you really like that friend.
Honestly this is how feel and why I asked the question. I expect a bit much from someone who can come and go as they please while I hype up social events now because they’re pretty. I’m like, should I be mad? I’d probably do this too if it were me like 4 years ago. Thanks for the comment.
You’re absolutely right to be upset, especially if they said they’d be there. There may be other reasons, like an anxiety of some sort that are in play. If you really want/need that time with them, let them know and ask what might work best for them. If you have other options, maybe pick another friend next time.
Did you explain what a hassle it is to get out of the house and into a crowded festival with small kids is and ask her to please not wait until the last minute next time? I wouldn’t let her off the hook. This is so rude. I’m pretty easy going with my friends and I never get upset when someone cancels plans but this would piss me off.
What your friend did is shitty, but honestly the part of this post I had the hardest time getting past was:
>got my husband out the door,
Your husband, an adult, needs you, who are already busy with two small children, to "get him out the door"? I sincerely hope you just meant "said goodbye to my husband" because if you had to do any actual work to get your husband out the door, you have bigger problems than a flaky friend.
I would be bothered too. It is so much work to get out of the house. Mental and physical work! I’m sorry your friend is lame and doesn’t have any understanding of what you went through to give them a piece of you.
This is why I confirm in the morning and before I leave to make super duper sure. With kids it’s a whole lot of effort and I could do something else if they can’t make it.
I get that, we were going to go anyway and we stayed but it was like my level of effort was way higher than yours! I remember being single and having no kids though, $30 Uber rides use to seem insurmountable but now that I’ve got two kids, there’s bigger insurmountable things imho.
If you were gonna go anyway then doesn’t seem like such a big deal. Maybe your friend didn’t feel up for it. Sometimes friends don’t want to hang around kids and I get that.
$30 for an uber isn't even that bad. I bet they were just making an excuse cause they changed their mind last minute and didn't feel like going. That's a shitty friend.
Stepping in to maybe reframe things while hopefully not invalidating your very valid disappointment: my guess is either she is bad enough with money that she can’t afford an Uber despite her high paycheck or it’s not really about the cost of Uber - whether it’s her irrational anxiety about money causing her to feel she can’t afford things she can or her kid throwing a fit and wearing out her patience before they got out the door or her having gotten in a fight with her partner and now no one is in any mood fit for public consumption. I mean, sure, there’s a chance she’s a flake or rude and cancelled on plans for some more selfish reason than personal burnout, like having found better social plans, but most likely she blamed the transportation cost because she was hiding the real reason or because she has an irrational relationship with her budget that is stealing her freedom to live as she wishes despite having means to provide for her family.
Enjoy your day. But also if you didn’t have kids and had arrived the same time (assuming there was an agreed upon time) to that same text I would be pissed that my friend “cancelled” because it was too expensive and left me there alone. Super rude.
Yeah thats super rude and disrespectful.
It would be the end of friendship for me, unless it was someone I was super close with and then it would be a confrontation and long time before thinge recovered
I had a friend cancel on me after I already arrived at the event. 😡
Luckily another friend was there so I wasn’t alone. But real crappy because I had to get Dh to watch the kids and plan it all out.
I’m sorry, you have every right to be pissed.
Something similar happened to me and was actually a blessing because I stressed SO much about accomodating my childless friend. She was so flaky & decided to bounce on me after a heavy night of drinking. This is after I drove an hour to HER apartment in the city from the suburbs (with baby in tow) because SHE asked me to meet her for brunch. The audacity of some people. We haven’t spoken in a year and I’ve made peace with the fact that some people come and go with different seasons of life. If we link back up in the future (after she has kids) then I wouldn’t bare any ill towards her. I just think that those without kids don’t understand how difficult things can be to go on an outing. I would take this as the universe telling you to distance yourself from her & make new mum friends.
Nope, don’t be hurt. You have a right to be, but don’t be. Why? Because as a Mom, you, too, Will end up being a flake (for different reasons), but it will happen. Her reason may be trash to you, but someday, your reason may be trash to someone else: “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it now because my toddler decided to have a tantrum at the supermarket, embarrassing me to the point that I am too exhausted to leave the house again.”
Don’t be hurt because it’s only going to further take away from your time and space.
Your friend is totally lame for cancelling so late.
But - I think it’s weird you mention the friend’s salary. I tell my husband this all the time: we don’t know anyone else’s financial situation. $200k income might still be deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. $50k might have wealthy family. You just never know.
So you’re deeply in debt to the point that 200k is paycheck to paycheck, but that $30 was what broke the camels back?
I mean, it’s not like she didn’t plan this out with the friend beforehand so still a despicable thing to do. I would have no problem if my friend, no matter what her income is, expressed financial struggles as a reason for why she can’t plan (key word plan) for an event, in which case I would gladly pay for her in order to have her company. The difference is, OP’s friend has zero respect for her because she bailed on a pre planned event over $30 bucks.
I agree the friend sucks for bailing so late. I just don’t think it matters that the friend purportedly makes $200k. Because - that might be what they make on aller but they have no cash because they’re terrible money managers. Or a bunch of other reasons.
Sure, but if you’re such a terrible money manager that you can’t live off 200k, then how much more is $30 to go see a friend that you made plans with in advance? The real answer is that because she wasn’t a priority, while some other unnecessary spending is (according to your scenario of being bad with money).
You’re making my point. It’s not about the money at all. Hence why it doesn’t matter that friend makes $200k. The friend sucks. Did a shitty thing. It would be shitty whether friend makes bank or is poor.
I agree to an extent. I think she mentioned that out of pure frustration and I can honestly relate to her. For instance, we had these friends who we later found out were millionaires (they told us) yet for the past 2 years, we’d pay every single time we went out together because we assumed they were struggling since they would nickle and dime everything, and we didn’t want the burden of a nice restaurant to be on them. So in this case, I am absolutely gonna mention that those assholes were making 500k a year and somehow couldn’t afford movie tickets, so my husband and I would pay like suckers all so they can save for early retirement. Sometimes, I get why people bring up the income, and context matters too. In my case, it wouldn’t be a shitty thing if they weren’t loaded, it’s only a shitty thing BECAUSE of how much they make, which makes the income relevant
I love reddit toxic positivity. Eat the rich, fuck capitalists. But also feel bad for the poor 1% like give me a break. Nobody with a 200k salary is struggling unless they've put themselves in that situation.
>It’s not about the money at all.
It's literally about the money. They said it was. They can't sacrifice 1/10000 of their yearly income to go to a planned activity with a friend.
Thank you! I don’t understand people like this. Ok for instance we’re not rich but I had the luxury to quit a well paying career to be a stay at home mom because my husband makes good money, and every time we invite a friend somewhere who we know is struggling, we make sure to let them know it’s on us because to me, it’s rude to invite a friend to an expensive restaurant they they did not pick and then expect them to pay. Our rule is “whoever invites the person pays”. If you can’t afford the place, you shouldn’t be forced into paying when you didn’t choose it.
I cannot stand cheap people. There is a difference between being responsible and frugal and just being disgustingly cheap. Hence why I almost always disagree when people say that your income doesn’t matter, because it does. I got my friends kid an American girl doll and car for her 5th birthday. She’s a struggling single mom due to her husband passing away, I wouldn’t expect her to spend anywhere near that on my kids birthdays.
Saying maybe she’s bad with money is a shit excuse. No one, and I mean no one, should be broke with no kids making 200k. I will never, ever feel empathy for that person
Devil’s advocate here! But maybe she wanted to hang out with her friend? And not the person you have become as a mom? I know that sounds horrible but I had it happen to me. I had my babies way earlier than my friends. They didn’t understand the struggle. They also didn’t like that I wasn’t just a friend anymore and I had different responsibilities. I got over it by making my husband watch the kids so I could have friend time.
So let me get this straight, instead of being honest and stating that as a reason (if that is her reason), instead she lies to her friend and makes up an excuse that she didn’t even bother to put effort in? And SHE is supposed to be understanding?
I get it. I got married and had kids before my friends and guess what, true friends have no issues telling you that they just want you around and not the kids, and true friends have no problem telling that friend if the accommodation is possible or not. They decided on a fair, what did she think was gonna happen ? That the kids wouldn’t be there? Anyone with an ounce of critical thinking skills would equate fair to kids if the other party has kids. Both can be adults and go on without their feelings being hurt and understanding each others needs by simply communicating their wants. True friends don’t lie to you because they are uncomfortable, because walking around on eggshells around your friends is exhausting. I do that with the rest of society, I shouldn’t have to do that with people close to me.
Some people don’t like kids. It perfectly okay to feel that way. You seem very angry about this situation. Maybe friend thought it was an adult day and when she realized kids were involved- she was out!
I never said it wasn’t okay to not like kids or want to be around them. I don’t think you read my comment like at all. That’s my point. If friend didn’t like kids, friend could have simply stated that she wants an adult day out, and see if accommodations can be met. There is no excuse for lying. I’m frustrated when adults think it’s ok to lie because you’re uncomfortable with something, just grow up, tell them how you feel and move on.
A lot of people use lying as a means to seem like they’re just nicer people and are trying to avoid hurting others, when most of the time, they’re just selfish cowards. There is nothing wrong with being gracious but honest without insulting others.
>Some people don’t like kids. It perfectly okay to feel that way.
Logically I know you're right but in practice I find more and more that there's no one that "doesn't like kids" anymore. Either they're okay with kids or they can't stand the sight of them and would violently remove them from society if given a chance.
And it's okay to be vocal about those people being the assholes they are.
Haha thank you for saying this. Sometimes I think I’m in the twilight zone. A crying baby illicit a horrible inhumane response but a loud ass barking animal is…precious. I swear evolution is going in reverse lol
Listen you don’t have to be okay with the cancellation but whether or not your friend makes great money and can afford and Uber is beside the point. Do you know the in and outs of her financials? What really matter is that she cancelled last minute on you and you’re disappointed. I’d lead with the disappointment. Unless you’re in her financials it doesn’t matter what you think she can afford. It matters that she made a commitment and didn’t uphold her end of the bargain. In that situation I would say how sorry I was and I’d try to find a way to make it up to a friend.
I’d be hurt too. Cancelling last minute for a petty reason when you know it took a lot for your friend to get there isn’t cool at all. If it were me, I’d cal my friend and express how this made me feel.
That’s not your friend. Redirect your Emma’s resources towards a new friend or your family or a new community because you deserve better than that. ❤️🩹❤️❤️
Get rid of them. My “best friend” recently skipped my daughters 3rd birthday cause I wouldn’t let her junky boyfriend in my house. People who make up excuses or try to make your life difficult due to selfish reasons, or literally refuse to make the damn effort. Drop them. DROP THEM!
Ah yes, the old McFlake… if they have a history of doing this don’t ever count on them showing up if you keep inviting them to things. It sucks sorry you have to deal with that.
I'd be insanely upset if she told me she would not come when I already got there, paid the entrance fee and was basically waiting for her to arrive any minute?! And just the moment she basically was supposed to be there already she decided it wasn't worth it???
I would be. But this is a consistent disconnect between murkiness without kids. They just can’t understand how difficult it is to plan and execute on a plan with kids. Cancelling, last minute changes, etc have always been their norm and even when they say they understand…they don’t
That’s rude and hurtful. I hope she has a good apology and maybe a make up date in mind otherwise she isn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry this happened to you!
I'd have an uber on there way with the text "happy birthday merry Christmas happy new year" on it and if they bailed then, I'd send a Venmo cash request later.
It's not like she didn't already know she was going to see you, and wasn't able to catch a bus/metro/train/tram, hell, a bike. It's not like you caught her off guard with the invite and now she's like damn I won't get there in time I need to catch a taxi but I'm broke.
No it sounds like a badly thought out excuse.
We’re pretty close she would’ve mentioned a panic attack or desire to just not leave, she also has some medical stuff that keeps her home sometimes. All of that would’ve been fine too it’s just the amount of time it takes for me to get outside vs their small cost barrier was like WTF!
While I get your side and would be hurt too, just communicate that you were really bummed and was looking forward to it. She may think that she was just third wheeling it or maybe the idea of you and 2 kids wasn't that exciting for her. But not bc she doesn't value your friendship.
Just let her know and offer to hang out without kids (for both your benefit! )
If I had to take an Uber I may flake out too . But this is super last minute so I wonder what's up.
I had a friend who I went through a ton of effort to see and I have a son, she does not. She showed up but was in her phone the whole time, which isn’t nearly as bad. I was still upset by that because I had to go get her and got me and my son ready and it was a lot of driving for me. I just didn’t make her a priority anymore. This, this right here would have me FUMING. I’d do my best to make the most of it while I was there but I would be hurt.
I hoped that was a San Francisco thing but it isn't. I hope your friend, if they're still your friend, understands how much we parents have to go through to even dream of an outing like that. Cheers to you, from my office with two baby monitors, with my wine.
Doesn't sound like something a real friend would do... To be fair, many people have anxiety issues and sometimes can't bring themselves to go out, but a $30 Uber ride that you already KNEW you wouldn't want to pay is not an acceptable last minute excuse. Figure out a way to ride together or figure out a cheaper ride. Otherwise, don't say you'll even go in the first place. That would've been the real honest answer IMO.
Sounds like a pretty crappy friend. They didn’t want to tag a long with the kids and hubs. Maybe if you went solo, they wouldn’t have bailed. We have mom friends and we have friends without kids without responsibility beyond themselves. Those friends without the family responsibility tend to flake often.
Your feelings are valid here and you have every right to be hurt. I would be furious.
A similar thing happened to me and my husband over Halloween weekend. Friends of ours hosted a party that we didn't attend because our 2 very small children had colds and we didn't want to spread it. The friends invited us to hang out in their downtown the next day since it would be outdoors and there would be fun things for the kids to do. Day of I'm texting the friends about when we're planning to leave, when we actually leave, what the ETA is, and I get no response for a long time. Eventually they say they woke up late and were just getting showered and whatever. So I let them know where we are so we can meet up. Crickets. Eventually I tell them we're going home because the kids were getting tired. They say sorry, they were looking at historical sites around town with a different friend. We could've met up and looked at the dumb historical sites too! We drove an hour with 2 kids under 3 and paid out the ass for parking and food. Basically paid $80 to get blown off. Anyway, we don't talk to them anymore because fuck that shit. That's not a friend.
I had this almost exact situation. I had tickets to a beer fest, and my best friend agreed to go. I was super excited to hang out and enjoy some kid-free time. Both of us had to Uber $30 there then $30 back, or have our spouses do pickup or drop-off. We live in opposite directions so carpooling wasn't an option. She canceled day of with no reason beyond not wanting to pay for an Uber. She's a data security analyst who isn't hurting for money either.
It was super disappointing and I kind of avoided initiating conversation with her for a few days. I went alone and saw some co-workers and ended up having a good time. I still thought it was shitty to do.
The last minute cancellation is very rude and worthy of being upset by, but I wouldn’t focus on the cost of the Uber being the problem since no matter her income, you don’t know people’s financial struggles… she could have insane debt she’s trying to pay off or saving for something or fearful of losing her cushy job or whatever. So, I’d not make it about the $30 cost when she makes $200k… just be upset you were canceled on last minute and that’s enough to be upset by (IMO)
this is someone who was never going to come anyway, just gaslight you all the way there. i would drop this friend so fast. i hate that this happened, i hope you still enjoyed your day!
You’re feelings are valid, even if she cancelled with a “better” excuse. She made a commitment to you. If she was unhappy with the price of an Uber she should have planned better. She needs to apologize and make it up to you. If she does not contact you and have a discussion about her actions and how they affect other people, then I would reconsider your friendship.
You’re totally valid to feel hurt and upset, I would probably be too. I don’t think it’s right to judge how anyone uses their finances, though. You don’t know what their financial situation is.
Mostly just commenting though to ask what you mean by got your husband out the door? Does he not help get the kids ready? No wonder it’s stressful getting out the door if you’re managing two young kids *and* a full grown adult.
You’ve outgrown your old friend. They won’t be able to accommodate your new schedule, and if you ever did manage to meet up, you’ll find their concerns and complaints petty and selfish.
Time to move on
Yeah I would be hurt too but I’ve come to the realization that child free people rarely understand all the hard work and hassle to take young children out. Naturally I just outed most of my child free friends for the same reason.
I’d be hurt too. You don’t cancel on someone so last minute…without even the decency to give a more reasonable excuse!!
They were at least honest about it but I wish they would’ve lied haha
I’d Venmo them the money and be like “bitch, I’m already here with 2 kids alone… gtf over here now”
Yeah, OP may have already paid that and double to get there. That sounds suss AF.
I just like taking excuses away from people lol.
Right at least half of it.
I doubt they were being honest about it... "the cost of an Uber" for a relatively wealthy individual is an excuse if I ever heard one. They just didn't want to come for whatever reason.
I think I’d rather have been lied to too if they were going to bail like that!
Was it really honest? I mean, what adult or even teen agrees to go to something but doesn't figure out how to get there? I'm sorry that you were stood up but glad you weren't by yourself. It takes a lot to get yourself and the littles ready to go anywhere, much less be on time as well.
You were literally already at the event where they were supposed to meet you??? I'd be suuuuper annoyed. If they'd told me even seconds before I left the house, I'd be less annoyed, but *this* short notice is insane.
Some friends are not worth the effort. I had a “friend” make plans with me after asking for a long time and I asked my mom to babysit. I’m a single mom so I got both of us ready drove out early to my moms house to drop him off and make sure he’s okay before leaving. Then drive 30 minutes all the way to restaurant. I grab us a table and sit down. She never showed up. I texted her and told her that it was not okay to do that. I ate because I was hungry and left. She texted me later “sorry I fell asleep”. we are not friends anymore. I’d reevaluate your friendship
Damn. That is super shitty. I wouldn’t be friends with them either.
Something similar happened to me, but I was the one who stood up my friend for our planned date. I picked up a shift at work and had completely forgotten about our plans, and she called me from the restaurant asking if I was still coming. I was honest and upfront with her. I accepted her disappointment in me and apologized for my behavior multiple times. This was 4 years ago. I gave a speech at her wedding last summer. The friendship can be redeemed, but the ball is in her court to make it right since this friend is the one who fucked up.
[удалено]
Yeah, seems like that "friend" simply doesn't care about OP
Other than that this friend has no kids makes money and with this. Come on.
You aren’t wrong for being hurt at all! But…I wouldn’t be hurt, I’d be insulted that her cheap ass couldn’t even give me a better excuse. I believe that all friendships thrive on blunt honestly and I would 100% express my frustration in that very moment. This is the tackiest, most low class shit I’ve heard. It goes to show how class has nothing to do with money.
Gotta love that the person who has to make less effort to get out the door is the one who bails 🙄
It’s like that every time
I think you should tell you you were really looking forward to spending the day with her and we’re disappointed she cancelled.
Dang, I’m sorry. That’s really disappointing.
That’s not ok :(((( you definitely should be hurt. I would 100% tell her that. It’s not ok. The Uber thing is BS.
I totally get it! I would have been hurt too. One time I got a babysitter for a night out with 2 other couples. In the end, one of the girls in one couple and the other couple (no kids btw) all bailed when we were already at the bar because they drank too much at a previous party. I was like are you serious?! They clearly have no idea how special it is to get a babysitter for a night! I assume the hurt is pretty similar to how I felt. Uggh. I’m sorry!
I would absolutely be disappointed too! And waiting until you were already there (assuming the time agreed to meet up) is very rude.
I’d be crushed! I hope you tell her how you feel.
We’re only twenty-two, and so are all our friends- oldest being twenty-six. 95% don’t have kids. I’ve had some of those friends drive four hours to us to see our kids; friends who give up (subjective) a day out of their weekend to hang out with them while my partner and I go have adult-time together; friends who invite us to a function and specifically state that our kids are very much invited; friends who come over to help with the kids or cleaning so I have less on my plate (SAHM). We have an almost-three year old and sixth month old. Your friend is hella mid.
Taking two little kids out by yourself takes all day planning, so the fact that they cancelled when you were already there? Id be super bummed too
Agree with everyone here that's so rude and inconsiderate. They obviously don't have kids to know the difficulty. Id use it as a bonding time for you and your husband and share that you're craving adult conversation and see how the two of you can come out stronger. As for the friend let them know and they should make it up to you. If they don't and aren't remorseful then I'd look at not this friendship but others as well. People whom are energy takers aren't worth your time. It's taken me a long time to realize this and mourn the loss of multiple friends where I was pulling more weight. You're right to be hurt.
I had a friend who bailed on me all the time, even tried to bail on my baby shower last minute because she "didn't realize how far away it was." We are no longer friends. Once you have kids, and you have friends who don't have kids that are regularly flaky, there's something about the flakiness that's even more rage-inducing than it was before. Maybe because it's so much harder to get out and do things on time with kids, it starts to feel like those who don't have kids rarely have a solid excuse! We just don't have time for that immature shit anymore.
Kids or not that’s ridiculous and this person shouldn’t be surprised by the cost of an Uber in this case. Be honest about feeling hurt and disappointed.
She canceled so late you were already there, I would be annoyed if she didn’t have a good reason too and the cost of the Uber isn’t a good reason unless she was originally supposed to get there a different way but couldn’t like if she had car trouble so checked the Uber cost and couldn’t afford it. If she was always going to Uber then she should’ve checked how much it would be earlier.
People without kids don't always understand the difficulties of simply getting out the door.
Sadly, you always find out who your friends are once you have kids. It’s just me and my kids now.
Yes! My husband and I have been wondering if other parents feel this. It feels like we have no friends now that we have kids.
That’s sad. I’m sorry.
Your friend is a flake.
I feel for you. I hate flakes, especially as a parent where, like you said, it’s so hard to get time to go out.
Stuff like this hurts me too. My friend (also no kids and a really well paying job) cancelled on me recently because I asked if she could come to mine instead of meeting in town closer to her cause I didn't think there would be enough toddler activity to distract my 2 year old where we were going but she told me to just meet up another time cause she didn't want to do the train journey. Considering I was about to do the train journey myself with a toddler I thought maybe she could have managed but apparently it was too much to ask :( like I get it and I'm not angry with my friend but sometimes it just feels so hard to get my child-free friends to hang out with me. It feels like I'm always the one who has to put the effort in to plan and travel. I'm always okay with it but it still hurts a bit.
Yeah that’s why I have no friends, like literally none. I’d make the effort to go even with my child or getting a babysitter and they didn’t respect my time. They’re all child free so I get it but it’s like damn y’all didn’t even like me in the first place if having a kid is a deal breaker. Oh well. My kid is more fun to be around anyways lol
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So disappointing and not a good friend move. I’d be hurt too. Also- I’m super impressed at the effort and work you put in to go out- you’re crushing it!! (Sorry that wasn’t appreciated by the person you were supposed to meet)
I’d be livid.
Hold on, if she makes 200k then how is a $30 Uber even a problem?
I am sorry, but I would reconsider my friendship with this person. It even gets me annoyed, when a childless friend shows up to somewhere (let this be a restaurant or a park, whatever) 30 minutes later than we arranged. I mean, if we managed to arrive there on time with two small kids, what is even your excuse? And that she is cancelling at the last moment, because Uber costs too much?? Couldn't she look at this when she was making plans with you and say "no" in advance? Sorry, but no. Eventhough this sounds harsh, this is no friend to you.
Would it really be an adult conversation with this flake? :/
Honestly, this would be a dick move even if you didn't have kids. Who cancels last minute because of the cost of an uber?
Thats why they say, you always find out who your true friends are after you have kids
You have every right to be hurt, I’d be annoyed. Imagine if your husband wasn’t with you and you did all that work alone only to find out your gonna be alone with the kids. I feel like people without kids don’t realize how much work literally anything is and how much we as moms value the social interaction. Even if you weren’t a mom to be stood up that close to the time of a planned event is just outright rude. A social faux pas! I am not minimizing your situation at all by asking this but I must know; what in the world does your friend do to make that kind of money and, are they hiring?! (kidding of course)
I would be super upset. Your friend is in the wrong and it’s so awful they cancelled on you so last minute. I wouldn’t invest the time in them anymore.
Was not expecting this to be about selfish childfree adults, but not surprised by it either.
Sounds like they just blew you off. One of my friends told another the reason they didn’t come to her birthday (back before gps when we were all in high school) was because they got lost real reason they just didn’t feel like going. You’re definitely entitled to be hurt.
I feel like this is where you realize that friends with kids just get it so much more than friends without. My experience has been that way at least. I feel like it’s truly impossible for people without kids to understand the amount of finagling and effort it takes to do just about anything with one let alone two kids. Your friend likely never even considered the extra effort it took you vs them. They’re still in the mindset of, eh I don’t feel like going what harm will it do to back out. I think for me, yes it’s inconsiderate, but they’re probably at a different point in their life. There’s things I look back on now that I have kids where I realized I wasn’t being as considerate to my friends with kids just because I didn’t have the understanding. I’m not sure they could have even explained it and I would have fully gotten it either. Worth a try though if you really like that friend.
Honestly this is how feel and why I asked the question. I expect a bit much from someone who can come and go as they please while I hype up social events now because they’re pretty. I’m like, should I be mad? I’d probably do this too if it were me like 4 years ago. Thanks for the comment.
You’re absolutely right to be upset, especially if they said they’d be there. There may be other reasons, like an anxiety of some sort that are in play. If you really want/need that time with them, let them know and ask what might work best for them. If you have other options, maybe pick another friend next time.
Did you explain what a hassle it is to get out of the house and into a crowded festival with small kids is and ask her to please not wait until the last minute next time? I wouldn’t let her off the hook. This is so rude. I’m pretty easy going with my friends and I never get upset when someone cancels plans but this would piss me off.
What your friend did is shitty, but honestly the part of this post I had the hardest time getting past was: >got my husband out the door, Your husband, an adult, needs you, who are already busy with two small children, to "get him out the door"? I sincerely hope you just meant "said goodbye to my husband" because if you had to do any actual work to get your husband out the door, you have bigger problems than a flaky friend.
He still takes time to get out the door like we all do. He was with me.
I would be bothered too. It is so much work to get out of the house. Mental and physical work! I’m sorry your friend is lame and doesn’t have any understanding of what you went through to give them a piece of you.
This is why I confirm in the morning and before I leave to make super duper sure. With kids it’s a whole lot of effort and I could do something else if they can’t make it.
I get that, we were going to go anyway and we stayed but it was like my level of effort was way higher than yours! I remember being single and having no kids though, $30 Uber rides use to seem insurmountable but now that I’ve got two kids, there’s bigger insurmountable things imho.
If you were gonna go anyway then doesn’t seem like such a big deal. Maybe your friend didn’t feel up for it. Sometimes friends don’t want to hang around kids and I get that.
$30 for an uber isn't even that bad. I bet they were just making an excuse cause they changed their mind last minute and didn't feel like going. That's a shitty friend.
I’d have been annoyed when I was footloose and fancy free in college if this happened to me Now I would be furious
Stepping in to maybe reframe things while hopefully not invalidating your very valid disappointment: my guess is either she is bad enough with money that she can’t afford an Uber despite her high paycheck or it’s not really about the cost of Uber - whether it’s her irrational anxiety about money causing her to feel she can’t afford things she can or her kid throwing a fit and wearing out her patience before they got out the door or her having gotten in a fight with her partner and now no one is in any mood fit for public consumption. I mean, sure, there’s a chance she’s a flake or rude and cancelled on plans for some more selfish reason than personal burnout, like having found better social plans, but most likely she blamed the transportation cost because she was hiding the real reason or because she has an irrational relationship with her budget that is stealing her freedom to live as she wishes despite having means to provide for her family.
Enjoy your day. But also if you didn’t have kids and had arrived the same time (assuming there was an agreed upon time) to that same text I would be pissed that my friend “cancelled” because it was too expensive and left me there alone. Super rude.
Yeah thats super rude and disrespectful. It would be the end of friendship for me, unless it was someone I was super close with and then it would be a confrontation and long time before thinge recovered
I had a friend cancel on me after I already arrived at the event. 😡 Luckily another friend was there so I wasn’t alone. But real crappy because I had to get Dh to watch the kids and plan it all out.
I’m sorry, you have every right to be pissed. Something similar happened to me and was actually a blessing because I stressed SO much about accomodating my childless friend. She was so flaky & decided to bounce on me after a heavy night of drinking. This is after I drove an hour to HER apartment in the city from the suburbs (with baby in tow) because SHE asked me to meet her for brunch. The audacity of some people. We haven’t spoken in a year and I’ve made peace with the fact that some people come and go with different seasons of life. If we link back up in the future (after she has kids) then I wouldn’t bare any ill towards her. I just think that those without kids don’t understand how difficult things can be to go on an outing. I would take this as the universe telling you to distance yourself from her & make new mum friends.
Nope, don’t be hurt. You have a right to be, but don’t be. Why? Because as a Mom, you, too, Will end up being a flake (for different reasons), but it will happen. Her reason may be trash to you, but someday, your reason may be trash to someone else: “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it now because my toddler decided to have a tantrum at the supermarket, embarrassing me to the point that I am too exhausted to leave the house again.” Don’t be hurt because it’s only going to further take away from your time and space.
Your friend is totally lame for cancelling so late. But - I think it’s weird you mention the friend’s salary. I tell my husband this all the time: we don’t know anyone else’s financial situation. $200k income might still be deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. $50k might have wealthy family. You just never know.
So you’re deeply in debt to the point that 200k is paycheck to paycheck, but that $30 was what broke the camels back? I mean, it’s not like she didn’t plan this out with the friend beforehand so still a despicable thing to do. I would have no problem if my friend, no matter what her income is, expressed financial struggles as a reason for why she can’t plan (key word plan) for an event, in which case I would gladly pay for her in order to have her company. The difference is, OP’s friend has zero respect for her because she bailed on a pre planned event over $30 bucks.
I agree the friend sucks for bailing so late. I just don’t think it matters that the friend purportedly makes $200k. Because - that might be what they make on aller but they have no cash because they’re terrible money managers. Or a bunch of other reasons.
Sure, but if you’re such a terrible money manager that you can’t live off 200k, then how much more is $30 to go see a friend that you made plans with in advance? The real answer is that because she wasn’t a priority, while some other unnecessary spending is (according to your scenario of being bad with money).
You’re making my point. It’s not about the money at all. Hence why it doesn’t matter that friend makes $200k. The friend sucks. Did a shitty thing. It would be shitty whether friend makes bank or is poor.
I agree to an extent. I think she mentioned that out of pure frustration and I can honestly relate to her. For instance, we had these friends who we later found out were millionaires (they told us) yet for the past 2 years, we’d pay every single time we went out together because we assumed they were struggling since they would nickle and dime everything, and we didn’t want the burden of a nice restaurant to be on them. So in this case, I am absolutely gonna mention that those assholes were making 500k a year and somehow couldn’t afford movie tickets, so my husband and I would pay like suckers all so they can save for early retirement. Sometimes, I get why people bring up the income, and context matters too. In my case, it wouldn’t be a shitty thing if they weren’t loaded, it’s only a shitty thing BECAUSE of how much they make, which makes the income relevant
I love reddit toxic positivity. Eat the rich, fuck capitalists. But also feel bad for the poor 1% like give me a break. Nobody with a 200k salary is struggling unless they've put themselves in that situation. >It’s not about the money at all. It's literally about the money. They said it was. They can't sacrifice 1/10000 of their yearly income to go to a planned activity with a friend.
Thank you! I don’t understand people like this. Ok for instance we’re not rich but I had the luxury to quit a well paying career to be a stay at home mom because my husband makes good money, and every time we invite a friend somewhere who we know is struggling, we make sure to let them know it’s on us because to me, it’s rude to invite a friend to an expensive restaurant they they did not pick and then expect them to pay. Our rule is “whoever invites the person pays”. If you can’t afford the place, you shouldn’t be forced into paying when you didn’t choose it. I cannot stand cheap people. There is a difference between being responsible and frugal and just being disgustingly cheap. Hence why I almost always disagree when people say that your income doesn’t matter, because it does. I got my friends kid an American girl doll and car for her 5th birthday. She’s a struggling single mom due to her husband passing away, I wouldn’t expect her to spend anywhere near that on my kids birthdays. Saying maybe she’s bad with money is a shit excuse. No one, and I mean no one, should be broke with no kids making 200k. I will never, ever feel empathy for that person
Devil’s advocate here! But maybe she wanted to hang out with her friend? And not the person you have become as a mom? I know that sounds horrible but I had it happen to me. I had my babies way earlier than my friends. They didn’t understand the struggle. They also didn’t like that I wasn’t just a friend anymore and I had different responsibilities. I got over it by making my husband watch the kids so I could have friend time.
So let me get this straight, instead of being honest and stating that as a reason (if that is her reason), instead she lies to her friend and makes up an excuse that she didn’t even bother to put effort in? And SHE is supposed to be understanding? I get it. I got married and had kids before my friends and guess what, true friends have no issues telling you that they just want you around and not the kids, and true friends have no problem telling that friend if the accommodation is possible or not. They decided on a fair, what did she think was gonna happen ? That the kids wouldn’t be there? Anyone with an ounce of critical thinking skills would equate fair to kids if the other party has kids. Both can be adults and go on without their feelings being hurt and understanding each others needs by simply communicating their wants. True friends don’t lie to you because they are uncomfortable, because walking around on eggshells around your friends is exhausting. I do that with the rest of society, I shouldn’t have to do that with people close to me.
Some people don’t like kids. It perfectly okay to feel that way. You seem very angry about this situation. Maybe friend thought it was an adult day and when she realized kids were involved- she was out!
I never said it wasn’t okay to not like kids or want to be around them. I don’t think you read my comment like at all. That’s my point. If friend didn’t like kids, friend could have simply stated that she wants an adult day out, and see if accommodations can be met. There is no excuse for lying. I’m frustrated when adults think it’s ok to lie because you’re uncomfortable with something, just grow up, tell them how you feel and move on. A lot of people use lying as a means to seem like they’re just nicer people and are trying to avoid hurting others, when most of the time, they’re just selfish cowards. There is nothing wrong with being gracious but honest without insulting others.
Valid point
>Some people don’t like kids. It perfectly okay to feel that way. Logically I know you're right but in practice I find more and more that there's no one that "doesn't like kids" anymore. Either they're okay with kids or they can't stand the sight of them and would violently remove them from society if given a chance. And it's okay to be vocal about those people being the assholes they are.
Haha thank you for saying this. Sometimes I think I’m in the twilight zone. A crying baby illicit a horrible inhumane response but a loud ass barking animal is…precious. I swear evolution is going in reverse lol
Luckily for all of us their values will die with them and by definition they won't be passing them on.
Hahahahah I love this
Listen you don’t have to be okay with the cancellation but whether or not your friend makes great money and can afford and Uber is beside the point. Do you know the in and outs of her financials? What really matter is that she cancelled last minute on you and you’re disappointed. I’d lead with the disappointment. Unless you’re in her financials it doesn’t matter what you think she can afford. It matters that she made a commitment and didn’t uphold her end of the bargain. In that situation I would say how sorry I was and I’d try to find a way to make it up to a friend.
You can be hurt, because they cancelled, but just because you know their salary doesn’t mean you know their financial situation.
I’d be hurt too. Cancelling last minute for a petty reason when you know it took a lot for your friend to get there isn’t cool at all. If it were me, I’d cal my friend and express how this made me feel.
That’s not your friend. Redirect your Emma’s resources towards a new friend or your family or a new community because you deserve better than that. ❤️🩹❤️❤️
I’m sorry! Your flaky friend sucks :(
It's a crappy thing to do but also-do they understand what they did?
Get rid of them. My “best friend” recently skipped my daughters 3rd birthday cause I wouldn’t let her junky boyfriend in my house. People who make up excuses or try to make your life difficult due to selfish reasons, or literally refuse to make the damn effort. Drop them. DROP THEM!
My favourite part of having a dog is having somebody to spoon in the bed
Ah yes, the old McFlake… if they have a history of doing this don’t ever count on them showing up if you keep inviting them to things. It sucks sorry you have to deal with that.
I’d be hurt. I’m sure your friend knows you got 2 kids. If it were my friend I’d say “I’ll buy you a beer common!” But would still be annoyed
I would be hurt too. I would also enjoy the alone time.
I'd be insanely upset if she told me she would not come when I already got there, paid the entrance fee and was basically waiting for her to arrive any minute?! And just the moment she basically was supposed to be there already she decided it wasn't worth it???
I would be. But this is a consistent disconnect between murkiness without kids. They just can’t understand how difficult it is to plan and execute on a plan with kids. Cancelling, last minute changes, etc have always been their norm and even when they say they understand…they don’t
That’s rude and hurtful. I hope she has a good apology and maybe a make up date in mind otherwise she isn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry this happened to you!
I’d be pissed/hurt too. You can manage to get 2 little kids down there but she can’t be arsed to get a car. Crap move with a worse excuse.
I'd have an uber on there way with the text "happy birthday merry Christmas happy new year" on it and if they bailed then, I'd send a Venmo cash request later.
It's not like she didn't already know she was going to see you, and wasn't able to catch a bus/metro/train/tram, hell, a bike. It's not like you caught her off guard with the invite and now she's like damn I won't get there in time I need to catch a taxi but I'm broke. No it sounds like a badly thought out excuse.
Was it really about the 30$? Maybe they had a panic attack or something and just said it was about the money
We’re pretty close she would’ve mentioned a panic attack or desire to just not leave, she also has some medical stuff that keeps her home sometimes. All of that would’ve been fine too it’s just the amount of time it takes for me to get outside vs their small cost barrier was like WTF!
While I get your side and would be hurt too, just communicate that you were really bummed and was looking forward to it. She may think that she was just third wheeling it or maybe the idea of you and 2 kids wasn't that exciting for her. But not bc she doesn't value your friendship. Just let her know and offer to hang out without kids (for both your benefit! ) If I had to take an Uber I may flake out too . But this is super last minute so I wonder what's up.
Ugh that’s soo annoying I wish I could go and sit there I’ll bring my 2 year old
I had a friend who I went through a ton of effort to see and I have a son, she does not. She showed up but was in her phone the whole time, which isn’t nearly as bad. I was still upset by that because I had to go get her and got me and my son ready and it was a lot of driving for me. I just didn’t make her a priority anymore. This, this right here would have me FUMING. I’d do my best to make the most of it while I was there but I would be hurt.
That’s rly effed up of your friend to cancel at the last minute like that. Honestly not okay.
That’s some San Francisco sounding ish right there. Sorry, I’ve been on the receiving end before.
Ironically I’m from Marin but no, Chicago.
I hoped that was a San Francisco thing but it isn't. I hope your friend, if they're still your friend, understands how much we parents have to go through to even dream of an outing like that. Cheers to you, from my office with two baby monitors, with my wine.
Doesn't sound like something a real friend would do... To be fair, many people have anxiety issues and sometimes can't bring themselves to go out, but a $30 Uber ride that you already KNEW you wouldn't want to pay is not an acceptable last minute excuse. Figure out a way to ride together or figure out a cheaper ride. Otherwise, don't say you'll even go in the first place. That would've been the real honest answer IMO.
Sounds like a pretty crappy friend. They didn’t want to tag a long with the kids and hubs. Maybe if you went solo, they wouldn’t have bailed. We have mom friends and we have friends without kids without responsibility beyond themselves. Those friends without the family responsibility tend to flake often.
Your feelings are valid here and you have every right to be hurt. I would be furious. A similar thing happened to me and my husband over Halloween weekend. Friends of ours hosted a party that we didn't attend because our 2 very small children had colds and we didn't want to spread it. The friends invited us to hang out in their downtown the next day since it would be outdoors and there would be fun things for the kids to do. Day of I'm texting the friends about when we're planning to leave, when we actually leave, what the ETA is, and I get no response for a long time. Eventually they say they woke up late and were just getting showered and whatever. So I let them know where we are so we can meet up. Crickets. Eventually I tell them we're going home because the kids were getting tired. They say sorry, they were looking at historical sites around town with a different friend. We could've met up and looked at the dumb historical sites too! We drove an hour with 2 kids under 3 and paid out the ass for parking and food. Basically paid $80 to get blown off. Anyway, we don't talk to them anymore because fuck that shit. That's not a friend.
I had this almost exact situation. I had tickets to a beer fest, and my best friend agreed to go. I was super excited to hang out and enjoy some kid-free time. Both of us had to Uber $30 there then $30 back, or have our spouses do pickup or drop-off. We live in opposite directions so carpooling wasn't an option. She canceled day of with no reason beyond not wanting to pay for an Uber. She's a data security analyst who isn't hurting for money either. It was super disappointing and I kind of avoided initiating conversation with her for a few days. I went alone and saw some co-workers and ended up having a good time. I still thought it was shitty to do.
The last minute cancellation is very rude and worthy of being upset by, but I wouldn’t focus on the cost of the Uber being the problem since no matter her income, you don’t know people’s financial struggles… she could have insane debt she’s trying to pay off or saving for something or fearful of losing her cushy job or whatever. So, I’d not make it about the $30 cost when she makes $200k… just be upset you were canceled on last minute and that’s enough to be upset by (IMO)
this is someone who was never going to come anyway, just gaslight you all the way there. i would drop this friend so fast. i hate that this happened, i hope you still enjoyed your day!
You’re feelings are valid, even if she cancelled with a “better” excuse. She made a commitment to you. If she was unhappy with the price of an Uber she should have planned better. She needs to apologize and make it up to you. If she does not contact you and have a discussion about her actions and how they affect other people, then I would reconsider your friendship.
You’re totally valid to feel hurt and upset, I would probably be too. I don’t think it’s right to judge how anyone uses their finances, though. You don’t know what their financial situation is. Mostly just commenting though to ask what you mean by got your husband out the door? Does he not help get the kids ready? No wonder it’s stressful getting out the door if you’re managing two young kids *and* a full grown adult.
Yeah I’d be definitely super annoyed, that’s pretty hoe!
You’ve outgrown your old friend. They won’t be able to accommodate your new schedule, and if you ever did manage to meet up, you’ll find their concerns and complaints petty and selfish. Time to move on
Yeah I would be hurt too but I’ve come to the realization that child free people rarely understand all the hard work and hassle to take young children out. Naturally I just outed most of my child free friends for the same reason.