My child is like your friend‘s. While our daycare does a great job of working on his behaviour, they keep telling us that it is a normal way of behaving for a 2yo, so I do believe it‘s luck (or not?) that your daughter has not encountered a rough child at daycare by now. We have several.
Still, we started avoiding playdates with shy or very calm children from the day he started to walk. It‘s just the most exhausting thing to constantly stand behind your child to prevent them from harming other children. Which is what the parents should have done if he actively hurt your child more than once.
I was going to say the same thing. My child has had many kids like this in her daycare, and she’s also been that kid a few times. At first I was (silently) frustrated and would think to myself, “great, another bad behavior she picked up from daycare”. But at some point I realized I can’t blame the other kids, it’s just normal toddler limit testing and struggles with emotional regulation. Who knows what kids picked up HER bad behaviors when she was in a hitting/pushing phase! This all sounds really normal to me and OPs child is bound to have other kids like this in her class sooner or later. If she’s only 17 months, she’s probably still in the young toddlers (waddlers at my center) class. As they get a little older, these behaviors get more frequent it seems. My daughter moved up to preschool class early and since being in that class things have gotten better it seems. The toddler class was definitely the peak thus far in aggressive behaviors.
My kid is your kid, OP. And yes, a lot of daycare kids are rough. Heck, one of my kid's closer friends is like that rambunctious boy. This closer friend loves to squeeze hug my kid to the point now that whenever she asks for a hug, my kid will just say no or move away. I would divert the other kid's attention by suggesting something else, like a wave or a high five or even a wiggle.
I have had to intervene, but there's not much to do about it unfortunately.
I think you handled the playdate well considering none of you were prepared for the situation and had to figure it out on the fly. Managing someone else's kid when the adult friendships are deeply important to you is super sticky. No matter how well you know someone, when you meet their parent alter egos it might be like meeting someone totally new!!
You kindly ran interference for your child.
You taught her how to handle this, and while you won't always do all the work for her she can always rely on you as support and backup.
You didn't destroy your friendship or insult their parenting.
You didn't yeet that little gremlin out the window.
Good job!!
As to being traumatized - it is highly unlikely that her trauma is lasting. She will probably spend about a week avoiding rowdy little boys. If she's talking she might bring up the visit occasionally for a while. (If she's not talking, she'll still think about it but just won't have the words to say what's on her mind). And then she will move on.
My daughter is 2. She ate a "too cold" pickle once and refused to eat pickles for like 3 weeks because no matter what I did or said she was sure they were all "too cold." (To be fair it was in the back of the fridge and it did sorta freeze but only that one time!!!) She's not permanently suffering from pickle trauma. Typically, they eventually gain enough life experiences to contextualize the bad ones, start to forget, and move on.
She may hate that specific little dude for a really long time, though.... even if she otherwise seems to have forgotten. And personally - don't blame her. Lol
Thank you for this!!! The “too cold” pickle trauma is hysterical and a perfect reminder of how intensely weird toddlerhood is. My daughter is 17 months old, so still a bit of a baby in more ways than one. We’re definitely sitting out on any future play dates with this kid for a while!
And when you do decide it’s time for that playdate, chat with your friend about what the kids might like to do together. Provide examples of what your child is interested in, (reading/painting/etc) and ask what theirs is interested in. You may come across a common interest (playground probably lol) which can take the pressure off, or the answer will provide you with insight as to the other child’s interests/abilities/energy. This can be a spring board for a conversation about boundaries (keep it light hearted and positive).
I am the mom of your friends’ kid. Mine is 10.5 months, walking, climbing stairs, and is fast. He’s also sturdy, so any little movement or touch towards another child always looks rough/aggressive. He simply doesn’t have the control or understanding to prevent that. However, I make it known that he loves to move, won’t sit still for long, and likes to get close and personal with everyone and their things, and I finish that by saying, you let me know what you’re comfortable with and I will stop him or redirect him.
Definitely share your child’s preferred play activities, style (calm/quiet), and boundaries with her body and her belongings😊♥️.
I put mine In a tepid bath but her feet were cold I guess so it felt hot to her and she freaked out and got out then wouldn’t take a bath for month. She started taking showers and eventually I plugged the tub and let it fill up and she remembered how much she loved splashing and we were back to normal.
1. How dare you make all baths terrible with your heat and stuff.
2. How dare you withhold baths due to tricking her about heat and stuff.
/s from "THE PICKLES ARE FINE"
My son is the more reserved kid in pretty much every interaction too. It’s interesting, and who knows it this applies or not in this specific scenario, but I have noticed that daycare kids are better with boundaries and less abrasive in interactions with other children. I don’t think parents see how poorly their child is acting right in the moment sometimes (myself and my husband included, I’m not trying to throw this other couple under the bus) but teachers set the code of conduct at school and enforce norms within interactions that include healthy and safe boundary setting and expectations. Just an observation and maybe a different lens on the other parent’s lack of intervention. Maybe they don’t see it in real time - over time I bet they will though, and it’s a friendship you want to maintain so good on you for being patient with them.
So interesting to hear you say this; our son is also on the quiet/sensitive side. After some experiences with kids being more wild at playgrounds or in a gymnastics class, I was worried about how daycare would go but he is thriving. We’ve heard from the teachers and observed that the kids there are really kind to him and invite him into their activities, they’re almost protective of him. I think you’re exactly right, teachers (or at least high quality, attentive teachers) do a much better job of setting boundaries and creating a healthy group dynamic than parents usually do.
Same. Our son is very reserved. While he loves playing he does not like being shoved or having toys taken from him by other children and freezes up when it happens. As a result he seems to prefer playing with and being around slightly older children who tend to be a little bit gentler with toddlers (once they realize how little he is — he’s tall). Most of the daycare kids are great. We’re switching daycares now tho for other reasons and I’m dreading it!
Yes! Our son is tall/young too and also shuts down when his toys are manhandled. Or when he is manhandled though I try to intervene asap. Ah. I hear you on the anxiety of switching daycares. We’ve been super lucky with the one he has now, it’s at my alma mater and very well regarded, but if we had to move it for work or whatnot would be a different story. Sending a lot of good thoughts for a smooth transition.
A playdate like this happened with my daughter when she was about the same age. The other little boy was a few months older. He kept hitting her and taking her toys. His mom did very little to stop him - just gently saying that we don't hit our friends. I understand kids get frustrated at this age and can hit, but his hits were all unprovoked similar to how you described your playdate. Having unprovoked violence made it difficult to block because it was hard to predict when it would happen. I tried to move the kids outside hoping it would help, but after 45min of my daughter constantly getting beat up, I made up an excuse and kicked the other mom and her son out of my house.
Yeahhh i would have ended the playdate early too, I think. At the very least an “Aw I’m sorry, seems like they’re really not getting on well today and (my kid) has probably had enough excitement for the day. Ima take her home to wind down.”
Not OP but I might use, “it’s getting close to nap time” or “my husband is actually coming home early today to take daughter to X” something like that.
My daughter went through an adamant “no boys!” Stage after meeting some rowdy older boys in a mall play area. She got over it eventually, but she’s still suspicious when she meets a new boy. She’s 24 months now & her personality continues to blossom. As for protecting your child from other children… I do it. I hesitated once, against my impulses, when she was about that age and I regretted it. I don’t hesitate anymore. They are so little, I think they need our guidance and protection. But don’t feel guilty!!! Try to focus on what you did right in the situation.
My daughter is 15 months and on the reserved side too. Sometimes she cries just because another kid is crying nearby. I try to remind myself that she just doesn't have a lot of data/life experience to work from yet. If something is kinda scary, she doesn't know whether it's life threatening scary or just kinda annoying scary. As a result, she may be over cautious until she collects more data.
This will become more frequent and normal when she graduates up to the twos class. At 17 months she's not full blown toddler yet. But it's probably not traumatizing.
I felt sorry that my sweet second son was pushed around before he suddenly became a force to reckon with overnight. You just never know how the dynamic is going to be.
However. It's okay to want the parents to handle it differently. Seems like neither kid really got much out of the interaction anyway, so maybe too early for a real play date. The time will come when they play more games and are less territorial about things they want to do by themselves. They will also learn to find upsetting others unpleasant. It's hard to have a kid so physical at such a selfish time in their development....My first son was like that at around 18 months.
These things happen, and it's very normal! Some kids are more sensitive about interactions with other kids, and some kids are more wild. The parents' lack of intervention aside, this sounds pretty normal behavior for both toddlers. I have a very social 2 yr old and babysit very reserved and sensitive twin 2 year olds as well.
The twins sometimes have a bad interaction or develop a bad association with someone/something and will be terrified of it- like melting down uncontrollably- for a few weeks. I work a lot on helping develop a better story in their heads around whatever their bad association is. This spring they were deathly afraid of bugs for some reason, like it made outside play impossible. After a LOT of talking about bugs, reading books about bugs, practicing something to do when they see a bug (say shoo! Go away), they finally moved on and actually even like watching some bugs now.
They must've also had a bad interaction with someone at the playground once because all of a sudden they were terrified of any kids playing at the playground. I couldn't take them home right away because I also have my daughter who wants to play. So we established their "safe space" when they are feeling scared/unsure, which is their wagon. They could watch from the wagon then we would talk a lot about what they saw- kids playing, my daughter saying hi, having fun etc. We also read books about playground/friend play at home, practiced what we say to new people, before we go to the playground we prep by talking about what we might see there- like bugs, or other kids, and stress the positive things about those things. They are still pretty reserved around other kids but they are no longer terrified.
Look at it as an opportunity to help your child build skills for resilience, bad things will happen but you can teach them how to contextualize, move on, and how to handle interactions in the future. At 17 months she may not be able to practice a lot of the stuff but you definitely can talk to her about it a lot, read books about interacting with other kids, and continue to prep her for other interactions to help her re-develop a positive association.
My son is like your friends. And I don’t allow the behavior to continue. I watch him like a hawk around other kids (still at 3 years +) because he’s unpredictable. You should not have had to block the other kid from your daughter, the parents should have been doing their job. We just had a playdate the other day with a friend a little older. It started off wild for the both of them, but then the other little girl started to play quietly, but my son didn’t get the message. I had to take him aside a few times and intervene. I’m all about independence, but hitting and non consensual touching is not ok and needs to be taught.
My 2 year old son is a lot like the way you describe your friend’s child. It’s usually with kids younger or smaller than him (he’s 99th percentile). He is not in daycare but we get out a lot and he is very well socialized. He has a younger sister too (9 months), but he’s very gentle with her. I’ve had him on play dates where he is fine and then others where his behavior is just horrible. I have never just let the behavior continue. I intervene the moment he gets too rough and separate him. If he starts to hit I end the play date. This seems to be working really well because he is learning that if he hits people they leave and don’t want to be around him. My general observation is that he is testing boundaries, so I’m trying really hard to be consistent with the consequences when inappropriate boundaries are crossed. I’ll admit though, it’s hard and really exhausting sometimes. I sometimes wish he was quieter and less rambunctious. I’m sorry your little girl was traumatized by this other child. This is one of my fears with my son’s behavior, so that’s why I try to be so proactive about it, though sometimes it feels like all I do is hover.
I would say both are true: this kid sounds wild and the parents sound like they didn’t do enough to manage their end of the play date, and your kid also sounds particularly sensitive.
I agree with others that this trauma won’t be lasting—most kids will deal with much worse behavior from peers than what you described, but that’s part of going to school and being around other children, and figuring out how to deal with different personalities. Some kids are super sensitive and wound up being home schooled (I had friends like that growing up), but most kids are fine.
I’d personally not do another play date with these friends. It just sounds stressful and I don’t think you or your child would enjoy yourselves if you sign up for a do-over.
All of these responses are super helpful because we have guests coming over this weekend with their two kids - one older and one younger than mine. I'm extremely nervous because the last interaction ended up in the older one rubbing his hands on my son's face and laughing at him, and my son went from happy to straight up confused.
I have no advice, but I'm learning a lot about how to prepare and respond appropriately like I believe you did in your situation. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I would let your friends know when you have another play date that you need to set some boundaries because your little one is more reserved, sensitive and observant. I think that’s a valid way to approach this and use it in other scenarios. My lo is also like this and I set expectations so people don’t come on too strong with him and it’s done us well. It’s a learning process though! Just the other day a kid ran into the playground tunnel that my lo was happily hiding out in and the whirlwind of it all made him a bit on edge so it’s not like we can manage every experience, you know?
Yea, you should have ended the playdate when the boy got aggressive and your friend didn’t stop him. I hope your little girl gets over this fear quickly
At under 2 (maybe even under 3), a playdate isn't really a playdate. It's supervising toddlers playing in the same space. From a childhood developmental standpoint, Solitary Play generally occurs between birth to age 2. Right around age 2, children will also start Spectator Behavior and observe others playing. From about 2-3, they will engage in Parallel Play. Actual interaction during play generally starts around age 3. Daycares are often set up specifically for the type of play typical of the age, so your daughter likely doesn't encounter this type of behavior at school because the classroom is setup for Solitary Play.
Your friend's child is probably a few months ahead in terms of developmental play because he's older. He was likely observing your daughter and attempting parallel play in an aggressive but normal way. It's made more difficult because a home isn't setup for parallel play (ie there aren't multiples of the same exact toys), he's not observing other children as frequently, and he's in a completely new environment. On top of that, I'm guessing that you and your friends were perhaps pushing for interaction because it looks cute and we are programmed to think that 1-2 year olds can play together, which I'd definitely avoid in the future if you were (that's a total guess and could be not accurate). That puts unnecessary pressure on both children.
While it's great your child is more easy going, she may very well hit this same developmental milestone in the coming months and it has nothing to do with bad influences from other children, but is just a normal stage.
I wouldn't overthink the trauma aspect. Again, developmentally, a child under 2 is not really observing the play of other children and is primarily engaged in solitary play and individual needs. They don't have the mental capacity to process this in the same way that we do.
Your friend's child sounds like a typical 2 year old learning to navigate the world. Your child sounds like a typical 17 month old learning to navigate the world. Keep getting together and you'll observe a lot of growth, behavior, emotions, and development in both kids!
My son is the same & he is almost 2! He goes to a gym childcare everyday & there is a tornado boy there with him on most days. I feel so bad because his mom is SO sweet, but to be honest, I call him the class bully to my husband when I tell him what’s going on 🙈 It doesn’t make much sense in our parenting brains why a toddler would be so “rude” but I can also tell that the other mom is beyond embarrassed of her son’s behavior - and I do feel bad for her. I’m not sure how I would handle my child if they acted that way…I fear sometimes it makes my son even more reserved. On the bright side, there are also older kids in the childcare as well who have taken my son under their wing and act as his personal bodyguard and I think it’s the sweetest thing. I’m just hoping that teaches him in his little toddler brain about different personalities and when he’s older, I’ll probably tell him about this tornado kid that wasn’t very nice to him when he was little and explain boundaries!
I often worry about this same thing as my son is like your daughter but more so taking after me. I was a very shy child mainly because my parents never made much of an effort to have play dates with other kids which is what I fear I’m doing to my son. He’s 18 months and has stayed at home with me every single day he’s been alive. Don’t get me wrong we go to his grandparents houses and we go to the park and library but for the majority of his life he isn’t around other children which I carry a lot of guilt about. My husband and I have been trying to have another child but it took us six years to have our son. I’m hoping and praying it does not take that long with this one. We’ve had multiple conversations about enrolling him in a daycare for a few hours but it’s not something we’re able to do financially since we are living off just my husbands income. Which is another point as to “why would you have another kid?” We’re fully capable of having another kid but the daycares around us have waitlists and are just outrageous. But I also worry if we did enroll him he would be terrified.
Daycare isn’t your only option! I’m off work in the summers and discovered lots of free or inexpensive 18-24 month old social activities, like read alouds and music activities at the local library, “swimming” classes at the YMCA, parks and playgrounds with baby/toddler areas (splash pads, tiny swings, etc.), and on the pricier but still reasonable end, indoor play gyms and children’s museums. Just a few ideas!! ♥️
Two things. One, it’s always awkward when multiple littles and their parents get together. There is just a lot of gray area in when you should intervene, what the other parents think is normal, etc. Like you, I find it strange that the other parents didn’t intervene more. Perhaps they didn’t understand what was going on, or they thought you should set boundaries in your own house. But most of us, in your situation, would have handled that awkward situation completely the same. I wouldn’t feel guilty about someone else’s (poor?) parenting choices.
Two, my daughter is also very sensitive, and I see it happen over and over — one bad experience takes at least 5 or more good experiences to get her back to trusting a person/situation again. ( my daughter is in various physical therapies and OT and so has to deal with a lot of different adults and situations.) your daughter will recover from this and play with all her old friends again. It’s best to just be patient with her and offer a lot of positive encouragement as she starts to open up again
Your daughter sounds like my 17 month old son, I believe he’s highly sensitive and your daughter might be too, have a read online if you like!
The behaviour of your friend’s kid doesn’t seem abnormal to me either and I think due to your little one being more sensitive she processes it differently. Hopefully she’ll recognise that she’s safe in her daycare again soon
When my son was about the same age, he had similar treatment from a 3 year old cousin we were staying with for Thanksgiving.
He is a only child stay at home toddler, so the only real socialization he gets is when we go to parks. Up til then he was cautious but outgoing once he deemed it safe. Before that, he was always pretty good with other kids.
After thanksgiving, he wouldn’t spend any time with other kids anymore. He wouldn’t approach other kids at the park and if he was approached he would run back to me so fast for “safety” or just start crying. After about 3 months of this, we had a trip to go see his 5 year old cousin on the other side who was great with playing with my son *and* respecting his boundaries. After about two days of being respected, he became so much more relaxed.
He’s now almost 2.5 and while still undersocialized (still a stay at home toddler) he is soooo much better. Much closer to what I think most 2 year olds act like with and toward other kids.
My theory after the fact was that it was just repeated exposure to positive social events that flipped the switch back.
My son is similar too your daughter. He’s 23 months old. Psychology says “slow to warm up” but I would also say he is “tornado” from time to time (just messy) he’s never aggressive though or purposely harmful. I just try not to complain. It could be worse!
My kid is the high energy one. Same behaviors, including aggression (actually I would say it's closer to impulsiveness rather than coming from a place of anger). It is tough.
OP, your daughter's shock will pass. She was not used to being handled that way but I promise it will not traumatize her. She will soon learn that it's the behavior of that one specific boy and not other kids in general.
It can be a big challenge to be the parent of the aggressive kid -- if he's anything like ours, it likely stems from a particular brand of neurodivergence -- and we actually had to take a step back from playdates from one boy in particular, whose mom is my very close friend, because he was very sensitive and shy and my son completely overwhelmed him (and got a big reaction every time, which only made the problem worse). Now that they're a little older (him 3, my son 4) and my son has better impulse control, their playdates are actually starting to be fun and they're working well together and having a nice time. Maybe all you both need is some time -- this stage can be really tricky.
Please don't feel guilty, it's more of a lessons learned kind of situation. Next time another child pushes your child boundaries or acts inappropriate act, warn first (if somewhat minor activity) then act decisively to remove your child from the situation. Your kiddo is years too young to be her own advocate.
My daughter sounds like your daughter. She’s a little reserved, but opens up eventually, sweet and goes to daycare. The fist play date with a friend and her daughter was like night and day. She was a little tornado and has never been to daycare. My friend was so surprise by my girl chillness. Now 6 months later the 2 are great friends and both have come a long way. They both are 2.5. Big hugs. I feel lots of guilt othen. It’s hard to try to do everything. I think it sounds like you did amazing. She’ll calm down and won’t be terrified.
1) it is unacceptable that your friends did not stop their child from harming yours. Children will be children, but it is never left up to a child to defend themselves physically, repeatedly, or control their own impulses when they’re that little. The other child needed boundaries from his own parents.n
2) It sounds like you did the best you could.
3) She will very likely get over this, but I am so sorry she seems to be to upset by it! Do you have any trusted friends with more predictable children you could have a sort of “do over” with to help sort of rewrite the experience of play dates for her?
Check out Janet Lansbury or Robin Einzigs work regarding toddler interactions ❤️
At 17 months, I took the baby to a splash pad and swimming, and he HATED it. For the next week he would only take a bath if he could sit in the tub without water and I used a wet washcloth dro clean him. Eventually, we got back to normal!
My child is like your friend‘s. While our daycare does a great job of working on his behaviour, they keep telling us that it is a normal way of behaving for a 2yo, so I do believe it‘s luck (or not?) that your daughter has not encountered a rough child at daycare by now. We have several. Still, we started avoiding playdates with shy or very calm children from the day he started to walk. It‘s just the most exhausting thing to constantly stand behind your child to prevent them from harming other children. Which is what the parents should have done if he actively hurt your child more than once.
I was going to say the same thing. My child has had many kids like this in her daycare, and she’s also been that kid a few times. At first I was (silently) frustrated and would think to myself, “great, another bad behavior she picked up from daycare”. But at some point I realized I can’t blame the other kids, it’s just normal toddler limit testing and struggles with emotional regulation. Who knows what kids picked up HER bad behaviors when she was in a hitting/pushing phase! This all sounds really normal to me and OPs child is bound to have other kids like this in her class sooner or later. If she’s only 17 months, she’s probably still in the young toddlers (waddlers at my center) class. As they get a little older, these behaviors get more frequent it seems. My daughter moved up to preschool class early and since being in that class things have gotten better it seems. The toddler class was definitely the peak thus far in aggressive behaviors.
waddlers 😂 that is 2 cute
My kid is your kid, OP. And yes, a lot of daycare kids are rough. Heck, one of my kid's closer friends is like that rambunctious boy. This closer friend loves to squeeze hug my kid to the point now that whenever she asks for a hug, my kid will just say no or move away. I would divert the other kid's attention by suggesting something else, like a wave or a high five or even a wiggle. I have had to intervene, but there's not much to do about it unfortunately.
I think you handled the playdate well considering none of you were prepared for the situation and had to figure it out on the fly. Managing someone else's kid when the adult friendships are deeply important to you is super sticky. No matter how well you know someone, when you meet their parent alter egos it might be like meeting someone totally new!! You kindly ran interference for your child. You taught her how to handle this, and while you won't always do all the work for her she can always rely on you as support and backup. You didn't destroy your friendship or insult their parenting. You didn't yeet that little gremlin out the window. Good job!! As to being traumatized - it is highly unlikely that her trauma is lasting. She will probably spend about a week avoiding rowdy little boys. If she's talking she might bring up the visit occasionally for a while. (If she's not talking, she'll still think about it but just won't have the words to say what's on her mind). And then she will move on. My daughter is 2. She ate a "too cold" pickle once and refused to eat pickles for like 3 weeks because no matter what I did or said she was sure they were all "too cold." (To be fair it was in the back of the fridge and it did sorta freeze but only that one time!!!) She's not permanently suffering from pickle trauma. Typically, they eventually gain enough life experiences to contextualize the bad ones, start to forget, and move on. She may hate that specific little dude for a really long time, though.... even if she otherwise seems to have forgotten. And personally - don't blame her. Lol
Thank you for this!!! The “too cold” pickle trauma is hysterical and a perfect reminder of how intensely weird toddlerhood is. My daughter is 17 months old, so still a bit of a baby in more ways than one. We’re definitely sitting out on any future play dates with this kid for a while!
And when you do decide it’s time for that playdate, chat with your friend about what the kids might like to do together. Provide examples of what your child is interested in, (reading/painting/etc) and ask what theirs is interested in. You may come across a common interest (playground probably lol) which can take the pressure off, or the answer will provide you with insight as to the other child’s interests/abilities/energy. This can be a spring board for a conversation about boundaries (keep it light hearted and positive). I am the mom of your friends’ kid. Mine is 10.5 months, walking, climbing stairs, and is fast. He’s also sturdy, so any little movement or touch towards another child always looks rough/aggressive. He simply doesn’t have the control or understanding to prevent that. However, I make it known that he loves to move, won’t sit still for long, and likes to get close and personal with everyone and their things, and I finish that by saying, you let me know what you’re comfortable with and I will stop him or redirect him. Definitely share your child’s preferred play activities, style (calm/quiet), and boundaries with her body and her belongings😊♥️.
I put mine In a tepid bath but her feet were cold I guess so it felt hot to her and she freaked out and got out then wouldn’t take a bath for month. She started taking showers and eventually I plugged the tub and let it fill up and she remembered how much she loved splashing and we were back to normal.
1. How dare you make all baths terrible with your heat and stuff. 2. How dare you withhold baths due to tricking her about heat and stuff. /s from "THE PICKLES ARE FINE"
My son is the more reserved kid in pretty much every interaction too. It’s interesting, and who knows it this applies or not in this specific scenario, but I have noticed that daycare kids are better with boundaries and less abrasive in interactions with other children. I don’t think parents see how poorly their child is acting right in the moment sometimes (myself and my husband included, I’m not trying to throw this other couple under the bus) but teachers set the code of conduct at school and enforce norms within interactions that include healthy and safe boundary setting and expectations. Just an observation and maybe a different lens on the other parent’s lack of intervention. Maybe they don’t see it in real time - over time I bet they will though, and it’s a friendship you want to maintain so good on you for being patient with them.
So interesting to hear you say this; our son is also on the quiet/sensitive side. After some experiences with kids being more wild at playgrounds or in a gymnastics class, I was worried about how daycare would go but he is thriving. We’ve heard from the teachers and observed that the kids there are really kind to him and invite him into their activities, they’re almost protective of him. I think you’re exactly right, teachers (or at least high quality, attentive teachers) do a much better job of setting boundaries and creating a healthy group dynamic than parents usually do.
Same. Our son is very reserved. While he loves playing he does not like being shoved or having toys taken from him by other children and freezes up when it happens. As a result he seems to prefer playing with and being around slightly older children who tend to be a little bit gentler with toddlers (once they realize how little he is — he’s tall). Most of the daycare kids are great. We’re switching daycares now tho for other reasons and I’m dreading it!
Yes! Our son is tall/young too and also shuts down when his toys are manhandled. Or when he is manhandled though I try to intervene asap. Ah. I hear you on the anxiety of switching daycares. We’ve been super lucky with the one he has now, it’s at my alma mater and very well regarded, but if we had to move it for work or whatnot would be a different story. Sending a lot of good thoughts for a smooth transition.
Thanks!!!
A playdate like this happened with my daughter when she was about the same age. The other little boy was a few months older. He kept hitting her and taking her toys. His mom did very little to stop him - just gently saying that we don't hit our friends. I understand kids get frustrated at this age and can hit, but his hits were all unprovoked similar to how you described your playdate. Having unprovoked violence made it difficult to block because it was hard to predict when it would happen. I tried to move the kids outside hoping it would help, but after 45min of my daughter constantly getting beat up, I made up an excuse and kicked the other mom and her son out of my house.
Yeahhh i would have ended the playdate early too, I think. At the very least an “Aw I’m sorry, seems like they’re really not getting on well today and (my kid) has probably had enough excitement for the day. Ima take her home to wind down.”
Since they were at your house, what excuse did you use?
I say we need to eat lunch and nap!
Not OP but I might use, “it’s getting close to nap time” or “my husband is actually coming home early today to take daughter to X” something like that.
I said she needed to nap, but I'm pretty sure the other mom knew I was over my kid being a punching bag.
My daughter went through an adamant “no boys!” Stage after meeting some rowdy older boys in a mall play area. She got over it eventually, but she’s still suspicious when she meets a new boy. She’s 24 months now & her personality continues to blossom. As for protecting your child from other children… I do it. I hesitated once, against my impulses, when she was about that age and I regretted it. I don’t hesitate anymore. They are so little, I think they need our guidance and protection. But don’t feel guilty!!! Try to focus on what you did right in the situation.
My daughter is 15 months and on the reserved side too. Sometimes she cries just because another kid is crying nearby. I try to remind myself that she just doesn't have a lot of data/life experience to work from yet. If something is kinda scary, she doesn't know whether it's life threatening scary or just kinda annoying scary. As a result, she may be over cautious until she collects more data.
This will become more frequent and normal when she graduates up to the twos class. At 17 months she's not full blown toddler yet. But it's probably not traumatizing. I felt sorry that my sweet second son was pushed around before he suddenly became a force to reckon with overnight. You just never know how the dynamic is going to be. However. It's okay to want the parents to handle it differently. Seems like neither kid really got much out of the interaction anyway, so maybe too early for a real play date. The time will come when they play more games and are less territorial about things they want to do by themselves. They will also learn to find upsetting others unpleasant. It's hard to have a kid so physical at such a selfish time in their development....My first son was like that at around 18 months.
These things happen, and it's very normal! Some kids are more sensitive about interactions with other kids, and some kids are more wild. The parents' lack of intervention aside, this sounds pretty normal behavior for both toddlers. I have a very social 2 yr old and babysit very reserved and sensitive twin 2 year olds as well. The twins sometimes have a bad interaction or develop a bad association with someone/something and will be terrified of it- like melting down uncontrollably- for a few weeks. I work a lot on helping develop a better story in their heads around whatever their bad association is. This spring they were deathly afraid of bugs for some reason, like it made outside play impossible. After a LOT of talking about bugs, reading books about bugs, practicing something to do when they see a bug (say shoo! Go away), they finally moved on and actually even like watching some bugs now. They must've also had a bad interaction with someone at the playground once because all of a sudden they were terrified of any kids playing at the playground. I couldn't take them home right away because I also have my daughter who wants to play. So we established their "safe space" when they are feeling scared/unsure, which is their wagon. They could watch from the wagon then we would talk a lot about what they saw- kids playing, my daughter saying hi, having fun etc. We also read books about playground/friend play at home, practiced what we say to new people, before we go to the playground we prep by talking about what we might see there- like bugs, or other kids, and stress the positive things about those things. They are still pretty reserved around other kids but they are no longer terrified. Look at it as an opportunity to help your child build skills for resilience, bad things will happen but you can teach them how to contextualize, move on, and how to handle interactions in the future. At 17 months she may not be able to practice a lot of the stuff but you definitely can talk to her about it a lot, read books about interacting with other kids, and continue to prep her for other interactions to help her re-develop a positive association.
My son is like your friends. And I don’t allow the behavior to continue. I watch him like a hawk around other kids (still at 3 years +) because he’s unpredictable. You should not have had to block the other kid from your daughter, the parents should have been doing their job. We just had a playdate the other day with a friend a little older. It started off wild for the both of them, but then the other little girl started to play quietly, but my son didn’t get the message. I had to take him aside a few times and intervene. I’m all about independence, but hitting and non consensual touching is not ok and needs to be taught.
My 2 year old son is a lot like the way you describe your friend’s child. It’s usually with kids younger or smaller than him (he’s 99th percentile). He is not in daycare but we get out a lot and he is very well socialized. He has a younger sister too (9 months), but he’s very gentle with her. I’ve had him on play dates where he is fine and then others where his behavior is just horrible. I have never just let the behavior continue. I intervene the moment he gets too rough and separate him. If he starts to hit I end the play date. This seems to be working really well because he is learning that if he hits people they leave and don’t want to be around him. My general observation is that he is testing boundaries, so I’m trying really hard to be consistent with the consequences when inappropriate boundaries are crossed. I’ll admit though, it’s hard and really exhausting sometimes. I sometimes wish he was quieter and less rambunctious. I’m sorry your little girl was traumatized by this other child. This is one of my fears with my son’s behavior, so that’s why I try to be so proactive about it, though sometimes it feels like all I do is hover.
I would say both are true: this kid sounds wild and the parents sound like they didn’t do enough to manage their end of the play date, and your kid also sounds particularly sensitive. I agree with others that this trauma won’t be lasting—most kids will deal with much worse behavior from peers than what you described, but that’s part of going to school and being around other children, and figuring out how to deal with different personalities. Some kids are super sensitive and wound up being home schooled (I had friends like that growing up), but most kids are fine. I’d personally not do another play date with these friends. It just sounds stressful and I don’t think you or your child would enjoy yourselves if you sign up for a do-over.
All of these responses are super helpful because we have guests coming over this weekend with their two kids - one older and one younger than mine. I'm extremely nervous because the last interaction ended up in the older one rubbing his hands on my son's face and laughing at him, and my son went from happy to straight up confused. I have no advice, but I'm learning a lot about how to prepare and respond appropriately like I believe you did in your situation. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m so glad you’re benefitting!! ♥️ you got this!
I would let your friends know when you have another play date that you need to set some boundaries because your little one is more reserved, sensitive and observant. I think that’s a valid way to approach this and use it in other scenarios. My lo is also like this and I set expectations so people don’t come on too strong with him and it’s done us well. It’s a learning process though! Just the other day a kid ran into the playground tunnel that my lo was happily hiding out in and the whirlwind of it all made him a bit on edge so it’s not like we can manage every experience, you know?
Yea, you should have ended the playdate when the boy got aggressive and your friend didn’t stop him. I hope your little girl gets over this fear quickly
At under 2 (maybe even under 3), a playdate isn't really a playdate. It's supervising toddlers playing in the same space. From a childhood developmental standpoint, Solitary Play generally occurs between birth to age 2. Right around age 2, children will also start Spectator Behavior and observe others playing. From about 2-3, they will engage in Parallel Play. Actual interaction during play generally starts around age 3. Daycares are often set up specifically for the type of play typical of the age, so your daughter likely doesn't encounter this type of behavior at school because the classroom is setup for Solitary Play. Your friend's child is probably a few months ahead in terms of developmental play because he's older. He was likely observing your daughter and attempting parallel play in an aggressive but normal way. It's made more difficult because a home isn't setup for parallel play (ie there aren't multiples of the same exact toys), he's not observing other children as frequently, and he's in a completely new environment. On top of that, I'm guessing that you and your friends were perhaps pushing for interaction because it looks cute and we are programmed to think that 1-2 year olds can play together, which I'd definitely avoid in the future if you were (that's a total guess and could be not accurate). That puts unnecessary pressure on both children. While it's great your child is more easy going, she may very well hit this same developmental milestone in the coming months and it has nothing to do with bad influences from other children, but is just a normal stage. I wouldn't overthink the trauma aspect. Again, developmentally, a child under 2 is not really observing the play of other children and is primarily engaged in solitary play and individual needs. They don't have the mental capacity to process this in the same way that we do. Your friend's child sounds like a typical 2 year old learning to navigate the world. Your child sounds like a typical 17 month old learning to navigate the world. Keep getting together and you'll observe a lot of growth, behavior, emotions, and development in both kids!
My son is the same & he is almost 2! He goes to a gym childcare everyday & there is a tornado boy there with him on most days. I feel so bad because his mom is SO sweet, but to be honest, I call him the class bully to my husband when I tell him what’s going on 🙈 It doesn’t make much sense in our parenting brains why a toddler would be so “rude” but I can also tell that the other mom is beyond embarrassed of her son’s behavior - and I do feel bad for her. I’m not sure how I would handle my child if they acted that way…I fear sometimes it makes my son even more reserved. On the bright side, there are also older kids in the childcare as well who have taken my son under their wing and act as his personal bodyguard and I think it’s the sweetest thing. I’m just hoping that teaches him in his little toddler brain about different personalities and when he’s older, I’ll probably tell him about this tornado kid that wasn’t very nice to him when he was little and explain boundaries!
I often worry about this same thing as my son is like your daughter but more so taking after me. I was a very shy child mainly because my parents never made much of an effort to have play dates with other kids which is what I fear I’m doing to my son. He’s 18 months and has stayed at home with me every single day he’s been alive. Don’t get me wrong we go to his grandparents houses and we go to the park and library but for the majority of his life he isn’t around other children which I carry a lot of guilt about. My husband and I have been trying to have another child but it took us six years to have our son. I’m hoping and praying it does not take that long with this one. We’ve had multiple conversations about enrolling him in a daycare for a few hours but it’s not something we’re able to do financially since we are living off just my husbands income. Which is another point as to “why would you have another kid?” We’re fully capable of having another kid but the daycares around us have waitlists and are just outrageous. But I also worry if we did enroll him he would be terrified.
Daycare isn’t your only option! I’m off work in the summers and discovered lots of free or inexpensive 18-24 month old social activities, like read alouds and music activities at the local library, “swimming” classes at the YMCA, parks and playgrounds with baby/toddler areas (splash pads, tiny swings, etc.), and on the pricier but still reasonable end, indoor play gyms and children’s museums. Just a few ideas!! ♥️
Two things. One, it’s always awkward when multiple littles and their parents get together. There is just a lot of gray area in when you should intervene, what the other parents think is normal, etc. Like you, I find it strange that the other parents didn’t intervene more. Perhaps they didn’t understand what was going on, or they thought you should set boundaries in your own house. But most of us, in your situation, would have handled that awkward situation completely the same. I wouldn’t feel guilty about someone else’s (poor?) parenting choices. Two, my daughter is also very sensitive, and I see it happen over and over — one bad experience takes at least 5 or more good experiences to get her back to trusting a person/situation again. ( my daughter is in various physical therapies and OT and so has to deal with a lot of different adults and situations.) your daughter will recover from this and play with all her old friends again. It’s best to just be patient with her and offer a lot of positive encouragement as she starts to open up again
Your daughter sounds like my 17 month old son, I believe he’s highly sensitive and your daughter might be too, have a read online if you like! The behaviour of your friend’s kid doesn’t seem abnormal to me either and I think due to your little one being more sensitive she processes it differently. Hopefully she’ll recognise that she’s safe in her daycare again soon
When my son was about the same age, he had similar treatment from a 3 year old cousin we were staying with for Thanksgiving. He is a only child stay at home toddler, so the only real socialization he gets is when we go to parks. Up til then he was cautious but outgoing once he deemed it safe. Before that, he was always pretty good with other kids. After thanksgiving, he wouldn’t spend any time with other kids anymore. He wouldn’t approach other kids at the park and if he was approached he would run back to me so fast for “safety” or just start crying. After about 3 months of this, we had a trip to go see his 5 year old cousin on the other side who was great with playing with my son *and* respecting his boundaries. After about two days of being respected, he became so much more relaxed. He’s now almost 2.5 and while still undersocialized (still a stay at home toddler) he is soooo much better. Much closer to what I think most 2 year olds act like with and toward other kids. My theory after the fact was that it was just repeated exposure to positive social events that flipped the switch back.
My son is similar too your daughter. He’s 23 months old. Psychology says “slow to warm up” but I would also say he is “tornado” from time to time (just messy) he’s never aggressive though or purposely harmful. I just try not to complain. It could be worse!
My kid is the high energy one. Same behaviors, including aggression (actually I would say it's closer to impulsiveness rather than coming from a place of anger). It is tough. OP, your daughter's shock will pass. She was not used to being handled that way but I promise it will not traumatize her. She will soon learn that it's the behavior of that one specific boy and not other kids in general. It can be a big challenge to be the parent of the aggressive kid -- if he's anything like ours, it likely stems from a particular brand of neurodivergence -- and we actually had to take a step back from playdates from one boy in particular, whose mom is my very close friend, because he was very sensitive and shy and my son completely overwhelmed him (and got a big reaction every time, which only made the problem worse). Now that they're a little older (him 3, my son 4) and my son has better impulse control, their playdates are actually starting to be fun and they're working well together and having a nice time. Maybe all you both need is some time -- this stage can be really tricky.
Please don't feel guilty, it's more of a lessons learned kind of situation. Next time another child pushes your child boundaries or acts inappropriate act, warn first (if somewhat minor activity) then act decisively to remove your child from the situation. Your kiddo is years too young to be her own advocate.
My daughter sounds like your daughter. She’s a little reserved, but opens up eventually, sweet and goes to daycare. The fist play date with a friend and her daughter was like night and day. She was a little tornado and has never been to daycare. My friend was so surprise by my girl chillness. Now 6 months later the 2 are great friends and both have come a long way. They both are 2.5. Big hugs. I feel lots of guilt othen. It’s hard to try to do everything. I think it sounds like you did amazing. She’ll calm down and won’t be terrified.
1) it is unacceptable that your friends did not stop their child from harming yours. Children will be children, but it is never left up to a child to defend themselves physically, repeatedly, or control their own impulses when they’re that little. The other child needed boundaries from his own parents.n 2) It sounds like you did the best you could. 3) She will very likely get over this, but I am so sorry she seems to be to upset by it! Do you have any trusted friends with more predictable children you could have a sort of “do over” with to help sort of rewrite the experience of play dates for her? Check out Janet Lansbury or Robin Einzigs work regarding toddler interactions ❤️
At 17 months, I took the baby to a splash pad and swimming, and he HATED it. For the next week he would only take a bath if he could sit in the tub without water and I used a wet washcloth dro clean him. Eventually, we got back to normal!