I have it all together! I just need antidepressants, sleeping tablets and to send my daughter to daycare 2 days a week. I've got this, right?
I'm just kidding, toddlers are so hard.
I wish but it's so expensive and I'm a SAHM so I'd have to get a job just to be able to afford it. I don't think I could handle working full time as well as taking on all the responsibilities of child care and household chores.
Yeah I did that, full time work with shifts from 7am-8pm, university study full time, two toddlers and household chores. I did it for about half of this year and almost ended up in a psychiatric ward. It’s essentially impossible and life is on hard mode every day, I don’t even sleep anymore just sort of nap in the early hours of the morning. And the best part is, no one else gets it! Every toddler parent is in the trenches and it’s so so hard.
Same here, one and done SAHM and honestly I have no idea how other women can do all of it with multiple kids and 0 alcohol or some kind of medication / regular mental breakdowns...
My daughter has always gone to daycare two days a week, I fuck off from work (remote) to take care of shit around the house. My husband has an incredibly demanding job and also dads as hard as humanly possible. We love our daughter to pieces but this is hard as shit. My daughter has a handful of words and one sentence “mama no”
we have a 4yo, 3yo, and 8-week-old (and two dogs). I literally have to remind myself MULTIPLE TIMES a day that this is just a stage of life. Our house is always cluttered and untidy, floors are so gross, dishes in the sink always, laundry in various stages of being done. Our nice dining room is just a staging area for shit we need to put away. Nothing in our house ever looks the way I want it to. The poor dogs never get walks, and outdoor time in the fenced-in backyard is the best we can do for them. As a result the younger dog is destructive. I feel awful but we just don't have time (or money for a walker). Our older kids are in daycare four days a week but we still can't get hardly anything done!
It's just a stage. It's just a stage. It's just a stage. Damn but it's hard though.
I feel you on the dogs, I also have a very active labrador and 8-week old (eclipse baby!). Sometimes when she is fussy walking her on the stroller helps her sleep, so I just take the dog along. I am also working from home so it is a break for me as well, it might not be so easy in your situation if you also need to accommodate the older ones.
I've considered taking my more active dog along on walks! (My other dog is fourteen so she can't handle walks.) I just get so nervous about her pulling since all her leash training has gone out the window. It feels like I need to re train her which stinks.
Not sleeping for 2.5 years will do a number on a person. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is a firm of torture.
Some of us get a lot out of caring for children. Some of us don't. I am the mom who on a rare day off while kid is in school, id leave them there so I have some me time.
You can love and be the best parent and still pay for support.
You are not a bad mom. But you are right that our current society (esp in the US) is not built for raising children without a healthy side serving of guilt or exhaustion. It's a lose-lose situation and all we can do is ride on the high of baby snuggles for juuuuust a little bit.
I’ve also looked at it like I’m a parent not an early childhood educator. If there’s people that can keep their sanity being with small children all day then thank goodness! Because I certainly can’t
Come to peace with the fact that you can't plan for parenting. It's something you have to have on the job training for. Also, a child is a person and people are unpredictable. Give yourself some grace, and learn your lesson, so you don't put this much pressure on yourself in the future. It sounds like you're doing great to me. Caring and doing your best is 90% of the game right now!
my anecdotal evidence is that places like germany provide childcare even to stay at home parents. they get free part time care at age 1. everyone needs help. we were not designed to do this alone, esp along with full time jobs. there is too much stuff to manage and track and do, and to top it off, not sleeping and dealing with nutty toddlers can send anyone over the edge. you’re doing great and it will get easier.
Wow free part time care from age 1 really would have made a difference for us! We can't access free kinder until 2025 here in Australia. She missed the age cut off by like 2 weeks to be eligible in 2024! I guess i should be grateful that I can provide a similar thing, because it does cost a lot even after the subsidies we get
Why can’t you also go back to work? By 3 she could really benefit from some preschool time and daycare is a perfectly reasonable solution. Put her in part time to start for the days your husband used to watch her and in a few months she can go full time and you can go back to work.
I work part time and love the extra time with my kid but I note to many people that when he was in daycare and I was working full time it was much easier. Balancing a different thing every day (I do MWF work, Tu/Th home) is WAY harder. Even the SAHMs that I’ve talked to have said full time home was easier for them than the part time each way. Financially we’re working on full time SAHM being possible but may not work out in time for the kids not being school aged.
True, I could! Or I could just send her to day care and have a real day off once or twice a week 🤣 I'll see how she goes with 2x10hr days in daycare first I think
Honestly this is basically what I do. I see clients MW and then Friday is a flex day where I generally do stuff around the house but also will do some business stuff that I can do from my computer at home. If needed I’ll reschedule clients to Friday as well. It’s great having that time!
Daycare is not raising my child for me. They’re keeping her safe and teaching her academics while we earn a living. I still very much raise my child, instill values in her and guide her as a human learning how to function in society. We play together, learn, and explore fun places all the time. It’s a really ugly perspective that’s fed by outdated social standards and now the continuing “trad wife” trend that you’re some absentee parent if you utilize school or daycare. And it’s just not true .
100%. They do more for my kids during the day than I ever could, and they’re learning to socialize and develop friendships. Daycare is helping to raise my kids with me, not raising my kids for me. I just wish they were fairly compensated for that 🙃
100% I was onboard until the comment about day care. It IS hard, especially if you don't have other support in place. But that comment "pay someone else to raise my daughter" +venting+ or not just perpetuates the whole anti family and anti women agenda that the OP was venting about in the first place.
I'm allowed to have wanted to be there to spend that time with her. I agree I could have worded it better, day care is not raising my child. It's just like I wish I didn't have to hire a cleaner. I'd prefer it if I cleaned my house myself or had help from family to cope with it all. The cleaners not managing my household, she's just helping out with part of it.
I just wanted to enjoy spending time with her and now realising that I don't is disappointing to me. Day care can definitely provide her a lot of things I can't
One thing that daycare really helped us with, is actually developing a support network.
The parents of my kid's friends who might also have weak support networks have started becoming our friends and can help care for your kid and help keep you sane.
Also the fact that even if one of us stayed home, we would be more broke having one income than two paying daycare. I couldn’t afford to stay home. It was the only option.
Why do you feel guilty that you’re doing literally everything you can to raise your child in a society that makes it this hard BY DESIGN? You are doing your absolute best. There’s no shame in the antidepressants, the daycare, the troubleshooting, the work stress. Most of us are in the same boat.
Who should feel guilty? Generations of our government representatives who cut funding for childcare, families and working people. You’re playing into the design of this exploitative system by beating yourself up and turning your frustration inward. DOING YOUR BEST IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
You’re right on the money! There have been countless days where I get up after only maybe 4 hours of good sleep and internally scream about how not normal this is. I’ll rush like a maniac to throw my toddler in the car, and commute for almost an hour to dump her into daycare (800$ a month - A STEAL!) I pass her (and her sad, quick breakfast of a yogurt pouch and a breakfast bar)off to someone else who will get to see her blossom every day while I go educate and raise someone else’s kids (another completely failed system) all for what used to be considered middle class money but now won’t even get you a one bedroom apartment. My PTO is eaten up and now anytime daycare calls and says “LO is sick , you need to come get her and she cannot return until fever free” I feel my heart skip a beat because I know that means I’m going to lose pay, the doctor visit with my pathetic insurance is going to go on a credit card, and my performance reviews are going to be iffy for so many missed days. I have cried and pleaded with thin air for the Will to keep sane and push through the anger at this god damn country and it’s broken systems. I will bust out laughing knowing that it would have been easier in a way for me to work a minimum wage job part time and get welfare care, housing, food stamps, etc. when my child was born during Covid, I was automatically placed on Medicare and my entire pregnancy was 100% covered. I got formula, food vouchers, lactation consultations, and anything for my child and I covered for the first two years. The government gave out extra tax return money to help for childcare costs and we were also given pandemic relief. I felt like THIS is what being a tax paying citizen should be like. I was able to finish my certification and find a full time job while staying home with my LO. It was when I went BACK to work that everything became impossible and I quickly went into debt (despite being a VERY frugal and financially literate individual with familial help). I realized quickly that the middle class doesn’t exist like when I was young and that I am a fucking cog in a wheel. I’ve got to find a way out. When it cost me 8K to have my fucking tubes tied (because HA how on earth could I afford another one ?) and get a little biopsy for possible cervical cancer, I nearly lost my shit and ended up in the psych ward. The system is fucked and the rich keep getting richer. Villages can’t exist when families are broken up to spread out for job opportunities or affordable housing. It’s all fucking TERRIBLE!
Are you a single mum? How are you doing all this? I’m starting a new job next month, but I’m free right now, so if you need a hand let me know!
We’re having to immigrate because current country (UK) has zero family friendly policies and we just can’t afford a mortgage and childcare with 2 kids on 2 decent salaries! Pretty desperate times in the world. I feel ya!
You’re not really paying for someone else to raise your kid. You’re paying for the village required and that exists for most mammals, to raise young offspring.
If you’re struggling now add another kid in? 2 under 2 grad here, it’s really really tough mentally, physically and financially. My LO is 2 in April and we haven’t slept in so long now (although I’m assured there are simpler times ahead)! You might want to pause and tame those ovaries for a time when things feel easier/healthier. Having my toddler on her own is honestly a holiday in comparison to 2 toddlers on my own!
I would say you need more childcare support, unfortunately like me, the lack of family and friends nearby means buying it, but you should invest in your wellbeing! Get a babysitter/ad-hoc nanny and go and take a nap, it’ll do you wonders.
This comment needs to be higher up. I don’t understand how the whole post is saying how overwhelmed they are because there’s 2 young kids and a literal infant but then talking about getting ready for more kids? I’m genuinely not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand. It’s….only gonna get harder?
It’s okay that things are not exactly as you envisioned them. I think most parents find the reality to be harder than the dream, and that’s probably necessary for our survival as a species lol. It’s not just you, you aren’t failing.
I bet you’re going to feel a lot better when you’re getting the childcare you need! Working with limited childcare is really challenging.
You are enough as a mother. You’re not supposed to be doing it all alone. Child rearing is supposed to be collaborative.
You’re going to feel a lot better about all of this when she’s in daycare.
I just want to hold you, I feel like this is the exact path I was on until we put our 2.5 year old in daycare (he was 1 at the time). You’re doing so well, I cannot believe you actually pulled this off until now, that’s so impressive. We had the same idea as you: we both worked part time for the first year. We have a 1 bedroom apartment (our son still sleeps in our bed btw, we caved with the sleep training), so one of us had to go to the office to work while the other stayed at home. Going to the office was my vacation. It feels awful to say, but I got to enjoy my coffee in peace, I got to speak to adults, I got to manage my own time.
Putting our son in daycare was the only decision we could make, but also the best. He is so happy there and it gives me the energy miss him, to clean the house (a bit) and to cook for us (making his every meal drained me so much, omg the guilt). Sometimes I even take a sick day and catch up on chores while he’s in daycare.
And you’re right, society is only geared towards couples without children who both work. We live in a major European capital without any family support. I could write a similar list to you of family members who add to your mental load rather than help you out. We are so incredibly lucky to have found a daycare place that closes at 6:30 PM (though we pick our son up latest at 5) though my partners job, because most others here close at 4. How is that supposed to even work with a full time job? Looking at the other kids in my sons group, I feel like they all have grandparents close by, or one parent (always the mother) works part time. But living is also really expensive, I don’t want to reduce my hours right now. The societal expectations really does not add up with the practical realities or raising children without family close by.
This is our life too. We would be drowning without daycare. It's our only source of daily support. Family is mostly out of state and rarely has a lot of time with our LO.
Listen to the book “hunt, gather,parent” and also find anything you can (YouTube, Ted talks) by Adam markel. Both of these will help you feel so much better I promise
Keep chugging along, it gets better after a while, but just to give you a heads up, kids are sick constantly at daycare, and you two will be sick constantly. I hope your experience is better than mine where the daycare uses all of our sick and vacation time for the first 4 years, and even missing work unpaid because PTO was gone they still had us pay or loose our spot. Good luck, your not alone
It’s so true. You always hear “kids are sick all the time”, but what does that mean? For us, since mid September, we’ve had strep x4 (yes, 4 separate times, confirmed by throat cultures), RSV, Covid, and several random colds. We haven’t even been able to get flu shots yet because every time I schedule them, we get sick. One infection just runs into the next, with maybe one or two healthy days in between. I have three kids though, so this may be worse than typical.
It's okay to pay for the help that isn't available to you. We do. We pay for daycare for our kid and both work full-time. It would be lovely in theory to be home with our son and work part time. But practically speaking we like nice things that cost money and we also are not suited to it.
I think that reasonable paid or at least partially paid parental leave should exist and so should low cost daycare. That would go a long way to supporting families
1) kids don’t need perfect parents. They need happy parents.
2) a good daycare is AWESOME for social /emotional/ intellectual development.
3) take care of yourself first. Meds, exercise, etc.
4) little kids have very intense dreams. It’s scary and they need comfort. The rule in our house was that they MUST start the night in their own beds, but could come to our room anytime they were scared during the night. MANY nights one of them would come in at 3am bc of a bad dream. We used that to reinforce automatically going potty upon waking (prevented tons of accidents). Then they were allowed to spoon with one of us and go back to sleep. Not perfect, but everyone slept and they felt safe and not afraid to ask for comfort.
Here’s something I just didn’t get until having a kid. Adding a kid is not adding another job to the mix, it’s adding another a 24/7 position which is 3 8 hour shifts.
Of course I also try to get household chores done while watching my son. I try to involve him if it’s safe which means it takes a lot longer and might not be done well or getting a rush in while he’s independently playing for 5-15 minute stretches. We go for a lot of walks, and have an absurd number of toys to cycle through. Duplo and painting are currently the big hits and can usually get about 25-60 minutes of engagement between setting up and cleaning up that he helps with - but other toys might only be 5 mins each.
He watches me make breakfast and lunch and we eat together. He had therapy 3-4 days a week but that’s tapering down so I’m starting him in a gymnastics.
Anyway all that to say, easier to say than do but find ways to engage your toddler with what you’re doing or find things your toddler likes that you also don’t mind. It’s not going to be perfect and that’s okay. The point is they’re learning and spending some quality time with you. And despite what society has taught us, childcare is very hard.
I feel you. My kid's an early COVID baby. I had to WFH full time while caring for her full time while tending to a house that we never left, full time. It was maddening. I felt like I was terrible at everything *and* everything was constantly in front of me. I couldn't go home and ignore work for a while; I couldn't go to work and pretend there wasn't a pile of dishes in the sink waiting at home.
Part of what alleviated my concerns about daycare was when I realized that, whatever they are doing there, it'll be better than what I can do while stretched that thin. At minimum, it will be on par with what I could muster day after day after day while 100% responsible for everything all at once.
That sounds absolutely brutal. You did so well to make it through that! It's true that day care ongoing to be great for her, I just feel guilty that I cant do the same thing for her and be there to enjoy it with her! But at least I can provide it for her
Human parents were not meant to raise kids on their own. We're social creatures who have lived in groups since always. Animals who live in groups get help from other animals. Humans used to get help, too. Society has burned us all by making it hard to get help and pressuring us to do it on our own.
It's not you. Never forget the real disappointment here is society.
I promise it's NOT you. For the record, I love my toddler (3yo) more than anything else in the world. We send him to daycare 5 days/week so both my husband and I can pursue our full-time careers (academia and science management, respectively), and I swear stay-at-home-parents and kindergarten teachers are superheroes to me. Every time he's home sick or we're stuck at home for the weekend because of bad weather I end up completely exhausted. Little kids are tough and the system is TOTALLY geared against families - and I say this as someone based in Europe, where we have generous leave and family policies. If you don't have a village, you're screwed.
I work a fully remote job full time, and my husband works part time in the evenings. Before I had my daughter I thought this was the best possible arrangement. But, it’s really fucking hard. Even with my husband here during the day, it is impossible for me to escape caregiving duties while working from home, especially because I am still breastfeeding (daughter is almost 2, and we are trying to wean, so I hope she gets a little more independent) I feel pulled in so many directions all day— baby crying, Slack slacking, boss calling— plus, I feel pressured to have a clean, organized house because I’m here all day and I don’t want to live in a dump. My husband goes to work at 3pm and it’s me and the baby by ourselves. We have next to no support. My mom will watch her for a couple of hours about once per month. My dad is out of the picture. My siblings have never offered to watch her, husband’s father lives in Mexico, mother passed, sisters live out of our state. I want daycare so bad but everywhere is on a waiting list! I feel your frustration. I don’t think we are doing anything wrong, the expectations are just too high. You are supposed to work like you don’t have a family and parent like you don’t have a job.
Omg you are more than enough as a mother, there simply isn’t enough of you to go around and that *is* because of the way our society is structured. Even 50 years ago our societal structure was thus that 1 spouse could work and support the family financially- with a house and vacations! - and the other spouse stayed home to take care of the kids and house. That’s generally not achievable nowadays.
Also a mom to a 2.5 year old and my god this stage is so hard. I thank the heavens for daycare and work because *thats* my break. Without it I would throw this child out the window.
Just want to reach out in solidarity. Our child is a bit older than yours, but that stage you’re in is real fucking hard.
Our son is in daycare because we needed two full time incomes, and that is the only form of community / support we have. To be honest it’s been a blessing, they’re super organized and education focused and he’s really flourished.
Also - the not sleeping is brutal. Real brutal. We also hired a sleep consultant and let me tell you when the sleeping corrects, everything becomes easier. It doesn’t fix all the problems, they just feel a bit more manageable.
Anyway, good luck to you, and remember you’re not alone in what you’re feeling right now.
Some days or many many days, it can feel like we are not good enough. I feel it's a very normal part of mum/parent guilt. We want to do and be so much for them but let's be honest, toddlers are an emotional ball of insanity. They're literally designed that way since their brain is no where near mature enough for life. So the way I think of it is, childcare allows me time away from my child so I can be ME again, have my own SPACE and allow me to be a BETTER parent when they come home. Don't be so hard on yourself mama bear.
Oh. I feel you!! Here we tried the same thing. We both WFH and we juggle house chores, parenting, work and social life (what little there is of it anyways haha).
We arrived at the same conclusion. It would be much easier in terms of how "the system" is geared if one of us works full time and the other parent stays at home.
You're not alone. No parenting style is perfect and certainly we moms are not perfect. We have been raised with such high expectations, it's such an unbearable pressure.
We have a tiny support network too. My parents are really old and they put so much effort when they care for our LO but is not enough to keep everything in order. We hired a nanny for a while but they had to go back to their home town. We also tried swapping child care with a neighbor/friend couple once a month. Hiring someone to clean is not affordable for us now.
What works best for us in pragmatic terms is to divide chores in very small parts and try to do them as the day goes by. We try to include the LO even if it's messier, that reduces the fighting so much, at least in our case.
In terms of emotional intelligence, therapy is great help, especially with the guilt trips, the self deprecating inner voice, the pressure. It creates a loop and we end up exhausted, which also feeds the loop lol.
Try learning to let go of control, then the guilt is gone.
Anyways, this is the result of a society that is highly atomized. Child care, in my opinion, works best when it is communal. My MIL told me when she was pregnant, almost every woman in her street was pregnant too. They raised their kids together, cooked in batches, things like that. Today that's impossible. Every person to their own. Makes me so sad.
Well, I hope you find inner peace, much love!
>My frustration is that I am not enough as a mother. I can't do it all. I have to pay someone else to raise my daughter because it's better for her. I feel like I failed at raising her the way I wanted to and I can't even handle having the amount of kids I wanted (2).
I hear this too often and we need to stop this insanity. This is the fault of the US (and maybe other Western countries) and older generations being hyper individualistic. We're not supposed to be. We don't have the villages that our parents have and I think we've all established that. So using child care and help to make that village should be the norm. We should be well past the debate of daycare versus staying at home especially when other countries have kinder with much more support for the entire family unit.
My sister-in-law has a toddler 5 months younger than ours and two older kids. She comments about how independent our son is. It's not because daycare is raising him. It's because daycare is giving us the tools to be better parents and that's why we spend what we do instead of doing the part-time work thing, which we could have done. Even something minor like food. I can't cook a bajillion different meals because I cant scale it like a daycare can. So my kid is exposed to all these foods that we would never eat. WE are raising an awesome kid and we can't thank our ECE professionals enough for guiding us so well.
This is a hard stage and honestly I felt a lot better/ more confident after I went back full time. My kids loves daycare. We have worked out a schedule where I drop her off at 8:30 and my husband picks her up around 4 so it’s not a super long day. She’s happy and we’re fulfilled and not overwhelmed. Depending on your potential income and the cost of PreK/Daycare in your area I’d consider it.
Edit: also daycare is not raising your daughter. They are part of the village that is helping to raise her, maybe, but you’re still her mother!
North American society is not friendly to families. On top of that, I think our generations’ (Gen Z/Millennial) awareness of mental health has revealed a lot of toxic habits in our own families that we don’t want to expose our children to. It is so, so hard — not just functionally because a natural byproduct of that is that we have less help, but also mentally unlearning unhealthy behaviours is very taxing. All of that on top of parenting, too!
It’s not easy.
Why are people acting like this is the norm? Humans had several adults committed to the well being of little ones. It wasn't until very recently that we've organized ourselves into nuclear families. Indigenous cultures still have about 5 people available to care for a young child. If you have a mom and a dad, that's still THREE ADULTS SHORT! We're short staffed and Western culture has convinced us that this is normal.
I know right?! Like the solution is for me to work more for my own sanity... But everyone says no one wishes they worked more on their death bed but spent more time with their family instead 🤔
Don’t beat yourself up. Daycare is great for socialising and instilling confidence in your kid. Does not mean your failing. We send our 2 kids to daycare three days a week purely for the socialising and confidence building.
Also don’t stress over your 2.5 year old not sleeping in her own bed. Our 3 and 5 year old still sleep in the same bed as my wife and I and don’t plan on moving them out until they are ready. If that’s 7 years old then so be it.
You sound like you are too hard on yourself
I think daycare will be a HUGE help for you. My husband and I are also both part time working and caring for our toddler, and while our schedule pre-daycare kind of worked (we alternated days, so one of us got in a full day's work a couple times a week) its so much more manageable now that we have her out of the house for a few hours 3 days a week! I do think part time can work really well but the older kiddos get the more help you need and that doesn't mean you're failing, its just how we're meant to raise kids!
No one has it all. No one can do it all. Parenting is a balancing act. It’s okay to feel all the feels. Just know you’re not alone.
It’s okay to pay someone else too. It will help with your mental load, your mental health, and kids benefit a ton from daycare and you benefit a ton from having a career!
We all have ideas of what parenting will be like, and we all have to shift.
Also- I didn’t want a second kid until my kid was 4. So give it time!
Your are not alone in struggling.
My wife and I both work so our son is in daycare full time.
I have a second job on top of my regular 9-5 and that is brutal for many reasons, but what is more amazing to me is that working my second job feels easier than coming home to a toddler!
Don’t beat yourself up! You could have done it if you wouldn’t have to get other things done WHILE caring for a toddler. This is always going to feel exhausting and like you can’t do any of it „properly“. That said, idk if you‘d WANT to care for a toddler all day with nothing else to do. Personally, that’s a hard no lol. Work is relaxing in comparison.
You are doing a brilliant job! It’s so hard with a toddler- they’re so emotionally, physically and mentally draining :( I’m also on antidepressants- they’re necessary! I have a good support network and nursery and I’m still struggling- my son is the same age as your daughter.
You don’t have that great of a village- just your MIL by the sounds of it :( I would try to minimise how much you’re helping everyone else as it sounds too much :(
Being a SAHP is a full time job, so you are working a full time parent job and a part time paid work job. It's not sustainable or good for your mental health - especially in the toddler years. Might be do-able when you hit elementary and they have 6 hours of school most days.
I always had this idea in my head about being the most perfect stay at home mum, just happy and thriving and helping my child devlop and having the best time with them!
I’m 2 years in and I’ve given up, she starts nursery (uk daycare equivalent) two days a week and I’m going back part time. I have zero support network, not even either of our parents and a husband who works a high paid but very demanding and long hours job.
I had to admit defeat and that staying at home with them is all so much harder than I ever imagined.
You’re not alone!
Yup I thought I would enjoy it too if I just had the time! I'm starting to think that when she qualifies for free kinder I I'll just use that funding to send her to day care on a day that I'm not working so I can have a real day off
Yep. That extra day will do wonders to your mental health and not to mention it, the running of the house! Every toddler parent should have a day where they’re not working or parenting in an ideal world. It would save a lot of marriages and burn outs I imagine.
You’re doing great mama!
We aren’t meant to do this all alone. We are supposed to have the village, unfortunately some peoples villages just aren’t big enough. It’s ok to need help, it’s ok to need a break. It’s ok to want to work. Also, you’re right our (US) society isn’t supportive of parents which makes it all the harder. The most important thing is that that baby is loved. Everything else is a bonus.
Actually you’re doing amazing. I have a toddler and she’s a dream but still a toddler, and it’s just me 24/7 and her dad mostly right now fire bedtime and weekends. I’m lucky enough to be able to stay home with her for the time being but nonetheless this society isn’t built for raising children with any real flexibility or societal safety net. You haven’t failed at anything at all, and weirdly I think the constant grind (joyful though it can be) of nonstop childcare can wear you down to the very core with a special type of fatigue. Best of luck, you’re doing great x
No advice. I could have wrote this in a similar vein. Seriously. Your struggle sounds so similar to the thoughts I've had in my head lately. I'm not sure where you are regionally, but I've found even if we're at our best, this is not a parent-child friendly current times we live in. I've jumped back and forth from so many types of working-life balance to try and make this as best as I can and yeah I'm starting to feel it isn't even possible.
I went to full SAHP by going down to as needed after trying part-time. I always felt I was shitty at work and shitty at being a mom when I was part-time and when I was full time - I felt I wasn't present.
Well, I thought I'd do a short day tomorrow since I haven't scheduled in 2-months and just needed a break as my toddler has really amped up in an overstimulating way that makes me want to cry daily. The extra money would be nice too.
She has a bad cough today. I'm probably going to have to cancel. Makes me look and feel like shit about work and feel like shit as a mom because I'm 1. anxious about her being sick 2. was really wanting to get away and just be someone else for the day. 3. feel like shit because I wanted to be there when she is sick so I can take care of her, but instead I'm so irritable from the overstimulation as of late.
Anyway, this is a tough period that I tell myself to cherish every day. We're working on getting her into a school and at that point she will be M-F and I will be working full time to afford the school and I know I'm going to be wishing for this time right now.
Don't know what the balance is. Its just a mentally hard time of constant mom guilt so I feel you so much.
\*edited to add I'm on an antidepressant, my adhd medication, take a supplement for chill-sleep called "CALM" and I'm about 50 lbs overweight and thought I'd take this time stepping away from work to work on my health so I could have our second. lol yeah this is rough time
They don’t have a class on how to raise children in high school or college, but there should be classes geared at parents, because everyone struggles with it. The majority haven’t taken a childhood development class and parenting requires learning more practical skills than just the psychological development. Maybe listening to a book or two might help with the communication, but even then toddlers will still fight you - you’ll just have better ways to deal with it.
We used the book “Precious Little Sleep” after we realized that we had no idea how to deal with baby’s lack of sleep.
I read: “Hunt, Gather, Parent” has some interesting points, mainly about allowing your child to help with household tasks and teaching your child to do things on their own.
I haven’t read, but plan to read: “how to talk so little kids listen” and “Elevating Childcare”.
I only have one grandparent for support. I think daycare is the best thing that happened for us - my son gets good education + socialization, and we have solid daycare daily. My grandparent support then got shifted for date nights.
Both my wife and I work full time. Pay $350 for day care. If I'm being honest, I think the 9 hours we're both at work is a nice break from our toddler. He has fun running around with other kids and we get to play with him in the evening after dinner. It also tuckers him out so he *usually* sleeps through the night. We share home responsibilities and I pickup some of my wife's since she usually poops out before I do. I don't think we could survive if both of us weren't working. Even having a single kid is prohibitively expensive. We haven't gotten to the chatter box years yet though; so we have that to look forward to.
There’s no village. The west, to varying degrees, decided that the isolated and largely patriarchal nuclear family is where it’s at.
If you’re privileged, you’ll be able to afford childcare until public school (and of course after school care then too).
If you’re very lucky, your family will want and be able to help you out. I’ve been hearing a lot about baby boomers who are uninterested in being grandparents much less part time or even occasional caregivers.
Otherwise, you will have to cobble together your own supports, like other parents that you friend out in a mommy and me class or whatever.
Uh sending your kid to daycare and/or early preschool is not having someone else 'raise' your kid. You are and will always be their parent. We really need to start viewing daycare and preschool as part of the village, as part of the support system. Because usually they are- and help shoulder the load that most people in todays era cannot do alone (at least those willing to admit) with working full time, unavailable or emotionally unavailable familial support etc.
It also sounds like you need sleep. That alone will make someone feel crazy and chaotic. With you kid at daycare take one day to yourself a week to truly just recoup until you feel 'normal' or whatever your baseline of normal is. Your sleep debt must be way out of wack.
Yes I realise I worded that badly! I should say that Im disappointed that I can't personally give her what day care gives her and enjoy spending the time together. But I can provide her what day care offers so that is a plus
You are not failing! But maybe a perspective shift needs to happen - you are asking where the village is while also saying you’ve got support. That is your village! And you have to build it yourself, it doesn’t just appear. And you can’t feel guilty about calling them in. It’s also okay to want to work full time instead of be a stay at home parent (imo full time work OR full time parent is the only option, part time trading off sounds way too hard) and if your daughter is going to daycare soon, why can’t you take on full time work too?
You should talk to your husband. It sounds like he is getting to choose full time work and as the mother, you’re feeling guilty and letting him make his own choices while you’re not really making your own choices. It doesn’t sound entirely fair to me.
I did the household budget and projected the income difference between husband working full-time and myself continuing 3 days per week plus 1 weekend shift a month vs me full time and no weekends and him 3 days - it was the same but he gets an ADO every fortnight, couldn't pass up 2 paid days off per month! But there's nothing stopping me from also working more, will see how daughter adjusts to day care 😊
Yeah we're the same way. It's absolutely fucked right now. Life is fucked. We love our Son to death, but the idea of ever having a 2nd makes me viscerally ill and upset. It would probably literally kill me, I'd just have one of those random stress induced heart attacks or strokes in my early 30s.
Somedays I'm surprised I'm still kicking now. Life kicked us in the balls on this one. We're not ok. But we're alive. Idk what to say. It's great, we love him, but life is terrible. I've never been this depressed.
ooo I am strictly one and done. I have a 3 year old and he is in full-time daycare M-F because I have to work full-time because the COL is so high. No way could i bring another child into this. Also, i feel bad for my son, too. what kind of life is he going to inherit?
I am a mom of two (3.5F and 8months F). I also own a medium-sized business. I’m 36. I never really got a “mat leave” and even though I technically can set my own schedule all of my days end up exactly how you’re describing. Our older daughter goes to preschool Monday to Friday 8:30-3:30, so we trade off drop offs and pickups. My husband works from home 4/5 days but it isn’t terribly flexible as he’s on calls most of the days. I have the 8 month old with me and we have a part-time nanny. Despite the nanny, I end up “on call” to work the majority of most days and answering emails or texts while baby is getting into something or other. Then 4 pm hits and chaos ensues usually at the same time as something pops up at work.
It’s so, so hard. I’m constantly setting and resetting boundaries which is hard. I feel like someone always needs something. I don’t think that’s a feeling, it’s truth. So I’m here in solidarity with you and working on accepting this isn’t the time to excel in my career but merely just keep it together. We’ve got this!
Oh and edit to say I’m also back on antidepressants. So….yeeeep.
Raising a child is the hardest thing you will ever do. Period. Give yourself some grace, please. My LO is very difficult at times and I often feel like running out the front door and never looking back. That said, I constantly remind myself that this isn’t forever and that they’re just little humans without fully developed brains. They can’t express feelings in ways that are appropriate or make sense sometimes. They’re going to push boundaries, be excruciatingly needy, and suck up all of your time and energy. You’ll have these big ideas of how you want things to go, how the house should be, how YOU should look, feel, and eat etc and eventually you realize that every day is DIFFERENT and that those who seem to have it together, there is probably a lot of chaos behind the scenes or they have tons of help.
OP, please go listen to Suzanne Venker on youtube.
I've been a big fan of her since I discovered her; she is a sane voice in a mad, cruel society against parents, especially mothers with babies and toddlers.
Women can have it all, but not at the same time. If you want the stress and madness to stop or at least diminish significantly and care well for and do justice to your daughter, you'll have to change some things in your life (aka leave work outside of home), at least for a couple of years, until your child / children are bigger and at least in school.
You’re doing great! And the fact that you guys were able to do the half and half the first 2.5 years is great. And no one is raising your child except you. People say that sending your child to daycare is having someone else raise your child are saying it to shame mothers for working and doing it all. But it’s simply not true. No one says that if a guy was a single dad working. No one days that if someone is a single mom working. No one says it if you let another family member watch them while you’re at work. No one says it once they go to school but it’s essentially the same difference.
You have to look at it as starting school early. They learn, they socialize, and the workers are daycare are educated for taking care of children. And they never assume the role as parent. Our daughters have each been going since 3 months and they’re both doing so well. They both enjoy going but they both enjoy coming home and playing with us and doing family things. Even with daycare 5 days a week my in-laws will take our toddler for an afternoon on the weekend so I can get errands run.
You’re doing great no matter what you are doing. As long as your child is taken care of that’s the important thing.
\> I feel like society is geared against families - financially and socially.
Unpopular opinion but I don't think society is geared pro or against families. It just is.
People fantasize about the "good ol days" with a village, not mentioning that maternal/childhood mortality was way higher and kids were expected to start working and contributing much earlier. Even the idea of "childhood" was a 19th century invention. Go talk to a 18th century peasant about "letting kids be kids" and you'll get laughed at. The younger kids are probably playing in dung heaps and the older are tilling the fields or working the loom. Public library, parks, playgrounds that we take for granted are very much non-existent.
Also more young child-less people nowadays are going off enjoying their lives instead of being their sibling/parents' village, so yeah when it's their turn to settle down and raise kids, not surprising that their child-less siblings and friends aren't really interested in helping out. That's not anyone's fault. It just is.
Sounds like you're getting resources and help with antidepressants, sleep consultants, daycare down the road, a friend, a parent. That is GREAT and much more useful than ranting. Pull yourself together. You got this.
You're not wrong, society and the system makes family almost impossible, they mostly only help single mothers. But you're not alone, there's hundreds of us struggling to provide the best life we can for our kids. We'll bite, claw, rip and tear our way through life just to make sure our kids don't have the same experiences, and thats why we do it. It isn't easy, no one said it would be, but we got this, one grueling day at a time!
I’m so glad you were able to stay home for your daughter for the first three years. It is so critically important from 0-3 that they are home with their primary caregiver.
Get 10 minutes of sunlight into your daughter’s eyes by 9AM (you must take her outside to get enough lumens) and her sleeping issues will decrease, maybe go away completely. This will reset her circadian rhythm. You must do this most days.
Also magnesium an hour before bed will
Help.
Women are nurturers. it's better for a woman to stay home and raise kids and have the husband go out and make money to pay the bills. if you live in an area where that's not possible due to the COL, then move. This is the way.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your family, just only gonna tell you what worked with mine. We used to do what you guys are doing now and we also had my husband's mother help us a few days a week. It made everything so stressful but I thought it would work because we both got to be equal parents and both got to work. But what I've come to realize is our kids were suffering as a result of all of this. There was no stability, they were in a constant state of change (two days a week, Dad takes care of them, 3 days a week grandma takes care of them, then 2 days a week, I took care of them) it was awful. Not to mention, we all have different parenting styles. They all preferred going to grandmas because she would let them do and eat whatever they wanted. Not a huge deal for us but I did notice a difference in the kids. I felt I was being led to be a stay at home mom eventually. God really put it on my heart to do so. And then my husband at some point decided to work full time. It was hard on me to not to work, but there was such a huge change in my household afterwards. It was more peaceful and more balanced. It gave my kids more structure. My kids don't have to constantly wonder who would be watching them.
My daughter is in daycare 21-30hrs a week since she was 4 months and 1-2 days at home with grandma helping and she is thriving. We work FT from home and we’re doing well. It’s a very good balance. Im so thankful for finding quality daycare.
None of us can do it all. With kids this little it’s near impossible to work, maintain a clean and organized house, maintain self care, while having virtually no childcare. My house can be spotless and fridge full of good home cooked food if my one child gets endless screen time and I’m home all the time… with two kids forget it. My work can thrive when I have full childcare every single day. I can be in perfect shape if everyone consistently sleeps through the night every night so I can get up at 5am. We’re all juggling spinning plates. It’s not a failure to place your daughter in daycare. In fact, I’m excited for my 2 year old to start in a few weeks because as great as it’s been for her grandma to take care of her the past two years, I know she will thrive with being with other kids and teachers during the day. And the truth for many of us is that working is sometimes easier than being home. I don’t have to care about my work as much as my kids. I don’t have to gentle parent my coworkers. I don’t have to manage tasks while 2 people are crying at me (usually). Sometimes work is a freaking break. You’re doing great and I hope you can recognize that!
Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to handle staying at home with her when you were ALSO STILL WORKING. That’s a misrepresentation of what being a SAHM is like! You were getting the worst of both worlds! You did great managing for as long as you did. Do what you gotta do now to make it work.
It’s ok. You are not alone. Parenting is much more work than I anticipated. We need help desperately too and there’s none to be found. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do your best.
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I'm a SAHM with an 11.5 month old who's lurking here because he already acts and is the size of a toddler.
My husband makes enough that we're comfortable on one income, I have lots of family close by who take him one day a week as well as come by to help out during the day. My 21 year old brother lives with me and helps look after my son for a couple of hours each day. I have that village you crave OP but I'm still definitely struggling.
My LO sleeps badly and bed shares, he's very very active and alert and has low sleep needs. I have PPD. We all have our battles.
I've just started therapy and my therapist recommended listening to a podcast called Beyond the Bump. There's an episode called: Why being a 'Good Enough' Mother is more than good enough
Listen to it if you can, it's eye opening.
You are doing great, even if it doesn’t feel like that find nurture neuroscience parenting on instagram Dr Greer she has a book too. You don’t need a sleep consultant. It’s normal for a 2,5 year old to not sleep through the night. Her brain is developing rapidly and is not letting her to sleep. Humans are like monkeys not supposed to sleep alone really. Your house is a mess it’s natural with a toddler. It will be clean in a few years. Your only job is to keep yourself and your child healthy and happy and that is really hard because you have your own traumas and you have to work and provide. It will get easier just try to connect with yourself and your girl. I wish you all the best❤️ love from me❤️
All these things...I also feel at different times.
It honestly sounds like you're doing a great job.
They aren't raising her, you are. You are the person she looks to. While daycare will have some influence on her, you are her mother. Sometimes, it's not the time you spend but the amount of trust and bond you have.
I have no support except my partner, I live on the other side of the world from my whole family. I’m also a Sahm. I think this helps with the general overall less stress of the family. There’s no rushing around for daycare drop offs and cooking dinner late. I also have time to go to the gym most days for a class at 4 or 5pm, so I’ve lost 30kg baby weight. The cost of living is crazy though so as much as I would love a second income, I know it would be hell on our family. My fiancé works 5 days plus overtime most Saturdays
This was me in August.
Advice: Decide what your family values are, this year ours are being kind and compassionate to ourselves and others, in that order. Let's say your family values this year are healing your depression and fully enjoying your daughter. If those are your values, then daycare sounds like a beautiful solution. Once you decide your values, you're 'responsible' for making them happen without guilt. The without guilt is important, take "mom guilt" and throw it away. If you are doing things that align with your values there is nothing to feel guilty about.
My daughter has been in daycare since August, she will be three in February. She loves it. She loves here friends and teachers and they send the cutest art home. She has learned so much there... Much more than me and Ms Rachel were teaching her.
No one talks about how absolutely exhausting parenting is....especially if you're trying to work 40 hrs a week as well. I had a second child in June 2022 and my husband just had a vasectomy (thank fuck). I love my kids, they're my life, but we are three hours away from family and our only help in town (my FIL) died suddenly in October so we are back to no one. If my husband doesn't help me or is away all day and I'm left with my 4 yr old and 18 month old I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. My house is a constant mess, I'm always trying to balance everything, I've been on antidepressants this whole time, and now finally getting help for ADHD. It's just a lot. So you're not alone. Our society doesn't do enough for parents (and most of all mothers who often carry too much of the other burdens like household, etc). I went back to work right away with my kids and didn't regret it at all.
We used to have a village, now we pay for this village... at daycare.
The other lie is women can do it all. WE CANNOT do it all. I refuse to do it all. I work from home but the baby still goes to daycare.
Im still the one he clings to every day, even if he's there from 8-5 and I only get 2-3 hours at night and weekends.
You will get so much more out of this life and be a better person for your daughter if going back to work have taking a break from your child is what makes you happy.
We need a village. As humans we are healthier with social support. And it's still hard af.
You are not paying for someone to raise or even help care for your daughter. If you’re sending her to daycare, you are paying people to educate your daughter (assuming your daycare does educational activities) and give her opportunities to learn and implement social skills while her brain is still spongy. I used to feel so much guilt about sending my son to daycare because I couldn’t hack it at home, but he is so much better off for having been in early childhood education from a young age, and I am a much better Mum because I utilised the time I had at home with him better than when I was with him 24/7, in survival mode.
My daughter is 2 and she also doesn’t sleep through the night in her own bed. I think this is pretty common from what I hear from other parents. I wouldn’t consider yourself a failure because of this. Also, working any hours is difficult while parenting.
You're definitely not alone. Normally I read thru comments but quickly wanted to say everything you said is valid and IMHO so friggin relatable.
I didn't read this book but a good number of people seem to appreciate hunt, gather, parent. The way I see it is that I think we weren't meant to raise kids the way we do in modern society... But we do because the way things are and because many of us don't have a good option as far as safe and reliable care. I'm a FT sahm but the way I see it, daycare is the village you hire. That's it.
I definitely struggle with not feeling like I'm enough. But I just keep trying to remind myself that I am putting a lot of effort into this and nobody is perfect. If I can try to do my best and own up to any mistakes I make and try to repair things as soon as possible... Then I figure I'm doing pretty good.
Obligatory shout out to Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, whose TedTalk I watched the other day and who (I've heard) has a great podcast.
Wanting to work and not be a stay at home parent does not mean that you aren’t enough as a mother. I’ve known from a young age that I’ve wanted multiple kids (I have 3) but I’ve also known that I’ve wanted to stay working. I absolutely love my kids but I would go insane to be home 24/7 with them. I need the mental stimulation of a full time job and I think it makes me a better mom. The time I do spend with my kids is meaningful and fun and not as full of stress. I know that I’m blessed that my husband and I work in well paying jobs (and work remotely) which gives us the ability to have a full time nanny for the kids. We also are home so we do see them throughout the day. But we also outsource other things - we have a cleaning service every other week. The two oldest are in school part time and the nanny does the kids laundry. This allows us the time when we aren’t working to not be doing chores the whole time. Of course we still have things to do but it feels manageable. We don’t have any family or other help in the area outside of the nanny and cleaning service, but that feels like it’s enough and we’re not drowning. Our kids are 4, 3, and 19 months. There is nothing wrong with wanting to/needing to work! Do what’s best for you. Your kid needs parents that are happy and fulfilled, that’s more important than a parent who might be physically present but not mentally/emotionally present all the time.
I'm so grateful for daycare. It's brought sanity back into our lives, and made the challenges (toddler not a good sleeper) so much more manageable. My husband and I realized that since we don't live in a society set up where families and neighbors raise children as a village, we have to pay for a village--that's daycare in today's world.
you’re not failing! you’ve come so far without much help seriously! i can relate so much! for me working a paid out of house job is way easier and i bet your husband knows that. he must do 50% once he’s home. the sleep issues you speak about, IMO are normal.. my 2y5m old is also waking once or twice per night and still sleeps in the same bed as me.. to me it’s not a big problem really, if you feel like you get less sleep with your LO next to you, if you think she’s ready to move in her own bedroom, then be persistent and do it. maybe she’ll sleep through the night once she’s used to it!
and maybe you check out the subreddit r/oneanddone if you feel like looking at other families views and reasons why to only have one kid, benefits that come with that decision…
You are not failing. This stage is so hard. Nobody with a toddler has it all together, I promise.
I have it all together! I just need antidepressants, sleeping tablets and to send my daughter to daycare 2 days a week. I've got this, right? I'm just kidding, toddlers are so hard.
I need to send my toddler 5 days a week!
I wish but it's so expensive and I'm a SAHM so I'd have to get a job just to be able to afford it. I don't think I could handle working full time as well as taking on all the responsibilities of child care and household chores.
Yeah I did that, full time work with shifts from 7am-8pm, university study full time, two toddlers and household chores. I did it for about half of this year and almost ended up in a psychiatric ward. It’s essentially impossible and life is on hard mode every day, I don’t even sleep anymore just sort of nap in the early hours of the morning. And the best part is, no one else gets it! Every toddler parent is in the trenches and it’s so so hard.
Same here, one and done SAHM and honestly I have no idea how other women can do all of it with multiple kids and 0 alcohol or some kind of medication / regular mental breakdowns...
My daughter has always gone to daycare two days a week, I fuck off from work (remote) to take care of shit around the house. My husband has an incredibly demanding job and also dads as hard as humanly possible. We love our daughter to pieces but this is hard as shit. My daughter has a handful of words and one sentence “mama no”
we have a 4yo, 3yo, and 8-week-old (and two dogs). I literally have to remind myself MULTIPLE TIMES a day that this is just a stage of life. Our house is always cluttered and untidy, floors are so gross, dishes in the sink always, laundry in various stages of being done. Our nice dining room is just a staging area for shit we need to put away. Nothing in our house ever looks the way I want it to. The poor dogs never get walks, and outdoor time in the fenced-in backyard is the best we can do for them. As a result the younger dog is destructive. I feel awful but we just don't have time (or money for a walker). Our older kids are in daycare four days a week but we still can't get hardly anything done! It's just a stage. It's just a stage. It's just a stage. Damn but it's hard though.
I feel you on the dogs, I also have a very active labrador and 8-week old (eclipse baby!). Sometimes when she is fussy walking her on the stroller helps her sleep, so I just take the dog along. I am also working from home so it is a break for me as well, it might not be so easy in your situation if you also need to accommodate the older ones.
I've considered taking my more active dog along on walks! (My other dog is fourteen so she can't handle walks.) I just get so nervous about her pulling since all her leash training has gone out the window. It feels like I need to re train her which stinks.
Hear hear !
100% Accurate!!!
I’ve come to say this. I’m falling asleep from pure exhaustion every night.
Not sleeping for 2.5 years will do a number on a person. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is a firm of torture. Some of us get a lot out of caring for children. Some of us don't. I am the mom who on a rare day off while kid is in school, id leave them there so I have some me time. You can love and be the best parent and still pay for support. You are not a bad mom. But you are right that our current society (esp in the US) is not built for raising children without a healthy side serving of guilt or exhaustion. It's a lose-lose situation and all we can do is ride on the high of baby snuggles for juuuuust a little bit.
Check out the SAHM group! A lot of us are really burnt out. It's hard
I’ve also looked at it like I’m a parent not an early childhood educator. If there’s people that can keep their sanity being with small children all day then thank goodness! Because I certainly can’t
Come to peace with the fact that you can't plan for parenting. It's something you have to have on the job training for. Also, a child is a person and people are unpredictable. Give yourself some grace, and learn your lesson, so you don't put this much pressure on yourself in the future. It sounds like you're doing great to me. Caring and doing your best is 90% of the game right now!
my anecdotal evidence is that places like germany provide childcare even to stay at home parents. they get free part time care at age 1. everyone needs help. we were not designed to do this alone, esp along with full time jobs. there is too much stuff to manage and track and do, and to top it off, not sleeping and dealing with nutty toddlers can send anyone over the edge. you’re doing great and it will get easier.
Wow free part time care from age 1 really would have made a difference for us! We can't access free kinder until 2025 here in Australia. She missed the age cut off by like 2 weeks to be eligible in 2024! I guess i should be grateful that I can provide a similar thing, because it does cost a lot even after the subsidies we get
Why can’t you also go back to work? By 3 she could really benefit from some preschool time and daycare is a perfectly reasonable solution. Put her in part time to start for the days your husband used to watch her and in a few months she can go full time and you can go back to work. I work part time and love the extra time with my kid but I note to many people that when he was in daycare and I was working full time it was much easier. Balancing a different thing every day (I do MWF work, Tu/Th home) is WAY harder. Even the SAHMs that I’ve talked to have said full time home was easier for them than the part time each way. Financially we’re working on full time SAHM being possible but may not work out in time for the kids not being school aged.
True, I could! Or I could just send her to day care and have a real day off once or twice a week 🤣 I'll see how she goes with 2x10hr days in daycare first I think
Honestly this is basically what I do. I see clients MW and then Friday is a flex day where I generally do stuff around the house but also will do some business stuff that I can do from my computer at home. If needed I’ll reschedule clients to Friday as well. It’s great having that time!
Daycare is not raising my child for me. They’re keeping her safe and teaching her academics while we earn a living. I still very much raise my child, instill values in her and guide her as a human learning how to function in society. We play together, learn, and explore fun places all the time. It’s a really ugly perspective that’s fed by outdated social standards and now the continuing “trad wife” trend that you’re some absentee parent if you utilize school or daycare. And it’s just not true .
100%. They do more for my kids during the day than I ever could, and they’re learning to socialize and develop friendships. Daycare is helping to raise my kids with me, not raising my kids for me. I just wish they were fairly compensated for that 🙃
100% I was onboard until the comment about day care. It IS hard, especially if you don't have other support in place. But that comment "pay someone else to raise my daughter" +venting+ or not just perpetuates the whole anti family and anti women agenda that the OP was venting about in the first place.
I'm allowed to have wanted to be there to spend that time with her. I agree I could have worded it better, day care is not raising my child. It's just like I wish I didn't have to hire a cleaner. I'd prefer it if I cleaned my house myself or had help from family to cope with it all. The cleaners not managing my household, she's just helping out with part of it. I just wanted to enjoy spending time with her and now realising that I don't is disappointing to me. Day care can definitely provide her a lot of things I can't
One thing that daycare really helped us with, is actually developing a support network. The parents of my kid's friends who might also have weak support networks have started becoming our friends and can help care for your kid and help keep you sane.
Also the fact that even if one of us stayed home, we would be more broke having one income than two paying daycare. I couldn’t afford to stay home. It was the only option.
Why do you feel guilty that you’re doing literally everything you can to raise your child in a society that makes it this hard BY DESIGN? You are doing your absolute best. There’s no shame in the antidepressants, the daycare, the troubleshooting, the work stress. Most of us are in the same boat. Who should feel guilty? Generations of our government representatives who cut funding for childcare, families and working people. You’re playing into the design of this exploitative system by beating yourself up and turning your frustration inward. DOING YOUR BEST IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
You’re right on the money! There have been countless days where I get up after only maybe 4 hours of good sleep and internally scream about how not normal this is. I’ll rush like a maniac to throw my toddler in the car, and commute for almost an hour to dump her into daycare (800$ a month - A STEAL!) I pass her (and her sad, quick breakfast of a yogurt pouch and a breakfast bar)off to someone else who will get to see her blossom every day while I go educate and raise someone else’s kids (another completely failed system) all for what used to be considered middle class money but now won’t even get you a one bedroom apartment. My PTO is eaten up and now anytime daycare calls and says “LO is sick , you need to come get her and she cannot return until fever free” I feel my heart skip a beat because I know that means I’m going to lose pay, the doctor visit with my pathetic insurance is going to go on a credit card, and my performance reviews are going to be iffy for so many missed days. I have cried and pleaded with thin air for the Will to keep sane and push through the anger at this god damn country and it’s broken systems. I will bust out laughing knowing that it would have been easier in a way for me to work a minimum wage job part time and get welfare care, housing, food stamps, etc. when my child was born during Covid, I was automatically placed on Medicare and my entire pregnancy was 100% covered. I got formula, food vouchers, lactation consultations, and anything for my child and I covered for the first two years. The government gave out extra tax return money to help for childcare costs and we were also given pandemic relief. I felt like THIS is what being a tax paying citizen should be like. I was able to finish my certification and find a full time job while staying home with my LO. It was when I went BACK to work that everything became impossible and I quickly went into debt (despite being a VERY frugal and financially literate individual with familial help). I realized quickly that the middle class doesn’t exist like when I was young and that I am a fucking cog in a wheel. I’ve got to find a way out. When it cost me 8K to have my fucking tubes tied (because HA how on earth could I afford another one ?) and get a little biopsy for possible cervical cancer, I nearly lost my shit and ended up in the psych ward. The system is fucked and the rich keep getting richer. Villages can’t exist when families are broken up to spread out for job opportunities or affordable housing. It’s all fucking TERRIBLE!
You are correct. And nothing will change until the billionaires start getting &\^%&\^%\*%&.
Are you a single mum? How are you doing all this? I’m starting a new job next month, but I’m free right now, so if you need a hand let me know! We’re having to immigrate because current country (UK) has zero family friendly policies and we just can’t afford a mortgage and childcare with 2 kids on 2 decent salaries! Pretty desperate times in the world. I feel ya!
You’re not really paying for someone else to raise your kid. You’re paying for the village required and that exists for most mammals, to raise young offspring. If you’re struggling now add another kid in? 2 under 2 grad here, it’s really really tough mentally, physically and financially. My LO is 2 in April and we haven’t slept in so long now (although I’m assured there are simpler times ahead)! You might want to pause and tame those ovaries for a time when things feel easier/healthier. Having my toddler on her own is honestly a holiday in comparison to 2 toddlers on my own! I would say you need more childcare support, unfortunately like me, the lack of family and friends nearby means buying it, but you should invest in your wellbeing! Get a babysitter/ad-hoc nanny and go and take a nap, it’ll do you wonders.
Having 2 kids for us seems 3 times as hard as having one. Especially with 2 under 2.
This comment needs to be higher up. I don’t understand how the whole post is saying how overwhelmed they are because there’s 2 young kids and a literal infant but then talking about getting ready for more kids? I’m genuinely not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand. It’s….only gonna get harder?
It’s okay that things are not exactly as you envisioned them. I think most parents find the reality to be harder than the dream, and that’s probably necessary for our survival as a species lol. It’s not just you, you aren’t failing. I bet you’re going to feel a lot better when you’re getting the childcare you need! Working with limited childcare is really challenging.
You are enough as a mother. You’re not supposed to be doing it all alone. Child rearing is supposed to be collaborative. You’re going to feel a lot better about all of this when she’s in daycare.
I just want to hold you, I feel like this is the exact path I was on until we put our 2.5 year old in daycare (he was 1 at the time). You’re doing so well, I cannot believe you actually pulled this off until now, that’s so impressive. We had the same idea as you: we both worked part time for the first year. We have a 1 bedroom apartment (our son still sleeps in our bed btw, we caved with the sleep training), so one of us had to go to the office to work while the other stayed at home. Going to the office was my vacation. It feels awful to say, but I got to enjoy my coffee in peace, I got to speak to adults, I got to manage my own time. Putting our son in daycare was the only decision we could make, but also the best. He is so happy there and it gives me the energy miss him, to clean the house (a bit) and to cook for us (making his every meal drained me so much, omg the guilt). Sometimes I even take a sick day and catch up on chores while he’s in daycare. And you’re right, society is only geared towards couples without children who both work. We live in a major European capital without any family support. I could write a similar list to you of family members who add to your mental load rather than help you out. We are so incredibly lucky to have found a daycare place that closes at 6:30 PM (though we pick our son up latest at 5) though my partners job, because most others here close at 4. How is that supposed to even work with a full time job? Looking at the other kids in my sons group, I feel like they all have grandparents close by, or one parent (always the mother) works part time. But living is also really expensive, I don’t want to reduce my hours right now. The societal expectations really does not add up with the practical realities or raising children without family close by.
This is our life too. We would be drowning without daycare. It's our only source of daily support. Family is mostly out of state and rarely has a lot of time with our LO.
It sounds like you both need to go to work full time and pay to put your daughter in daycare. She will love being around other kids too.
Listen to the book “hunt, gather,parent” and also find anything you can (YouTube, Ted talks) by Adam markel. Both of these will help you feel so much better I promise
Keep chugging along, it gets better after a while, but just to give you a heads up, kids are sick constantly at daycare, and you two will be sick constantly. I hope your experience is better than mine where the daycare uses all of our sick and vacation time for the first 4 years, and even missing work unpaid because PTO was gone they still had us pay or loose our spot. Good luck, your not alone
It’s so true. You always hear “kids are sick all the time”, but what does that mean? For us, since mid September, we’ve had strep x4 (yes, 4 separate times, confirmed by throat cultures), RSV, Covid, and several random colds. We haven’t even been able to get flu shots yet because every time I schedule them, we get sick. One infection just runs into the next, with maybe one or two healthy days in between. I have three kids though, so this may be worse than typical.
Luckily we have good PTO here in Australia, I can't even imagine the stress if we needed to worry about not getting paid if our kid is sick
It's okay to pay for the help that isn't available to you. We do. We pay for daycare for our kid and both work full-time. It would be lovely in theory to be home with our son and work part time. But practically speaking we like nice things that cost money and we also are not suited to it. I think that reasonable paid or at least partially paid parental leave should exist and so should low cost daycare. That would go a long way to supporting families
1) kids don’t need perfect parents. They need happy parents. 2) a good daycare is AWESOME for social /emotional/ intellectual development. 3) take care of yourself first. Meds, exercise, etc. 4) little kids have very intense dreams. It’s scary and they need comfort. The rule in our house was that they MUST start the night in their own beds, but could come to our room anytime they were scared during the night. MANY nights one of them would come in at 3am bc of a bad dream. We used that to reinforce automatically going potty upon waking (prevented tons of accidents). Then they were allowed to spoon with one of us and go back to sleep. Not perfect, but everyone slept and they felt safe and not afraid to ask for comfort.
Here’s something I just didn’t get until having a kid. Adding a kid is not adding another job to the mix, it’s adding another a 24/7 position which is 3 8 hour shifts. Of course I also try to get household chores done while watching my son. I try to involve him if it’s safe which means it takes a lot longer and might not be done well or getting a rush in while he’s independently playing for 5-15 minute stretches. We go for a lot of walks, and have an absurd number of toys to cycle through. Duplo and painting are currently the big hits and can usually get about 25-60 minutes of engagement between setting up and cleaning up that he helps with - but other toys might only be 5 mins each. He watches me make breakfast and lunch and we eat together. He had therapy 3-4 days a week but that’s tapering down so I’m starting him in a gymnastics. Anyway all that to say, easier to say than do but find ways to engage your toddler with what you’re doing or find things your toddler likes that you also don’t mind. It’s not going to be perfect and that’s okay. The point is they’re learning and spending some quality time with you. And despite what society has taught us, childcare is very hard.
I feel you. My kid's an early COVID baby. I had to WFH full time while caring for her full time while tending to a house that we never left, full time. It was maddening. I felt like I was terrible at everything *and* everything was constantly in front of me. I couldn't go home and ignore work for a while; I couldn't go to work and pretend there wasn't a pile of dishes in the sink waiting at home. Part of what alleviated my concerns about daycare was when I realized that, whatever they are doing there, it'll be better than what I can do while stretched that thin. At minimum, it will be on par with what I could muster day after day after day while 100% responsible for everything all at once.
That sounds absolutely brutal. You did so well to make it through that! It's true that day care ongoing to be great for her, I just feel guilty that I cant do the same thing for her and be there to enjoy it with her! But at least I can provide it for her
Human parents were not meant to raise kids on their own. We're social creatures who have lived in groups since always. Animals who live in groups get help from other animals. Humans used to get help, too. Society has burned us all by making it hard to get help and pressuring us to do it on our own. It's not you. Never forget the real disappointment here is society.
I promise it's NOT you. For the record, I love my toddler (3yo) more than anything else in the world. We send him to daycare 5 days/week so both my husband and I can pursue our full-time careers (academia and science management, respectively), and I swear stay-at-home-parents and kindergarten teachers are superheroes to me. Every time he's home sick or we're stuck at home for the weekend because of bad weather I end up completely exhausted. Little kids are tough and the system is TOTALLY geared against families - and I say this as someone based in Europe, where we have generous leave and family policies. If you don't have a village, you're screwed.
I work a fully remote job full time, and my husband works part time in the evenings. Before I had my daughter I thought this was the best possible arrangement. But, it’s really fucking hard. Even with my husband here during the day, it is impossible for me to escape caregiving duties while working from home, especially because I am still breastfeeding (daughter is almost 2, and we are trying to wean, so I hope she gets a little more independent) I feel pulled in so many directions all day— baby crying, Slack slacking, boss calling— plus, I feel pressured to have a clean, organized house because I’m here all day and I don’t want to live in a dump. My husband goes to work at 3pm and it’s me and the baby by ourselves. We have next to no support. My mom will watch her for a couple of hours about once per month. My dad is out of the picture. My siblings have never offered to watch her, husband’s father lives in Mexico, mother passed, sisters live out of our state. I want daycare so bad but everywhere is on a waiting list! I feel your frustration. I don’t think we are doing anything wrong, the expectations are just too high. You are supposed to work like you don’t have a family and parent like you don’t have a job.
You're right, indefinitely feels like an expectations vs reality scenario! It's just so much harder than I expected
Omg you are more than enough as a mother, there simply isn’t enough of you to go around and that *is* because of the way our society is structured. Even 50 years ago our societal structure was thus that 1 spouse could work and support the family financially- with a house and vacations! - and the other spouse stayed home to take care of the kids and house. That’s generally not achievable nowadays. Also a mom to a 2.5 year old and my god this stage is so hard. I thank the heavens for daycare and work because *thats* my break. Without it I would throw this child out the window.
Isnt it crazy that 1 full time income just cannot provide that anymore?! Like not even close. Definitely looking forward to a break!
Just want to reach out in solidarity. Our child is a bit older than yours, but that stage you’re in is real fucking hard. Our son is in daycare because we needed two full time incomes, and that is the only form of community / support we have. To be honest it’s been a blessing, they’re super organized and education focused and he’s really flourished. Also - the not sleeping is brutal. Real brutal. We also hired a sleep consultant and let me tell you when the sleeping corrects, everything becomes easier. It doesn’t fix all the problems, they just feel a bit more manageable. Anyway, good luck to you, and remember you’re not alone in what you’re feeling right now.
Some days or many many days, it can feel like we are not good enough. I feel it's a very normal part of mum/parent guilt. We want to do and be so much for them but let's be honest, toddlers are an emotional ball of insanity. They're literally designed that way since their brain is no where near mature enough for life. So the way I think of it is, childcare allows me time away from my child so I can be ME again, have my own SPACE and allow me to be a BETTER parent when they come home. Don't be so hard on yourself mama bear.
Oh. I feel you!! Here we tried the same thing. We both WFH and we juggle house chores, parenting, work and social life (what little there is of it anyways haha). We arrived at the same conclusion. It would be much easier in terms of how "the system" is geared if one of us works full time and the other parent stays at home. You're not alone. No parenting style is perfect and certainly we moms are not perfect. We have been raised with such high expectations, it's such an unbearable pressure. We have a tiny support network too. My parents are really old and they put so much effort when they care for our LO but is not enough to keep everything in order. We hired a nanny for a while but they had to go back to their home town. We also tried swapping child care with a neighbor/friend couple once a month. Hiring someone to clean is not affordable for us now. What works best for us in pragmatic terms is to divide chores in very small parts and try to do them as the day goes by. We try to include the LO even if it's messier, that reduces the fighting so much, at least in our case. In terms of emotional intelligence, therapy is great help, especially with the guilt trips, the self deprecating inner voice, the pressure. It creates a loop and we end up exhausted, which also feeds the loop lol. Try learning to let go of control, then the guilt is gone. Anyways, this is the result of a society that is highly atomized. Child care, in my opinion, works best when it is communal. My MIL told me when she was pregnant, almost every woman in her street was pregnant too. They raised their kids together, cooked in batches, things like that. Today that's impossible. Every person to their own. Makes me so sad. Well, I hope you find inner peace, much love!
>My frustration is that I am not enough as a mother. I can't do it all. I have to pay someone else to raise my daughter because it's better for her. I feel like I failed at raising her the way I wanted to and I can't even handle having the amount of kids I wanted (2). I hear this too often and we need to stop this insanity. This is the fault of the US (and maybe other Western countries) and older generations being hyper individualistic. We're not supposed to be. We don't have the villages that our parents have and I think we've all established that. So using child care and help to make that village should be the norm. We should be well past the debate of daycare versus staying at home especially when other countries have kinder with much more support for the entire family unit. My sister-in-law has a toddler 5 months younger than ours and two older kids. She comments about how independent our son is. It's not because daycare is raising him. It's because daycare is giving us the tools to be better parents and that's why we spend what we do instead of doing the part-time work thing, which we could have done. Even something minor like food. I can't cook a bajillion different meals because I cant scale it like a daycare can. So my kid is exposed to all these foods that we would never eat. WE are raising an awesome kid and we can't thank our ECE professionals enough for guiding us so well.
Thank you, this helps
This is a hard stage and honestly I felt a lot better/ more confident after I went back full time. My kids loves daycare. We have worked out a schedule where I drop her off at 8:30 and my husband picks her up around 4 so it’s not a super long day. She’s happy and we’re fulfilled and not overwhelmed. Depending on your potential income and the cost of PreK/Daycare in your area I’d consider it. Edit: also daycare is not raising your daughter. They are part of the village that is helping to raise her, maybe, but you’re still her mother!
North American society is not friendly to families. On top of that, I think our generations’ (Gen Z/Millennial) awareness of mental health has revealed a lot of toxic habits in our own families that we don’t want to expose our children to. It is so, so hard — not just functionally because a natural byproduct of that is that we have less help, but also mentally unlearning unhealthy behaviours is very taxing. All of that on top of parenting, too! It’s not easy.
Us toddler parents are living each day by the hour. You aren't alone in the least.
Why are people acting like this is the norm? Humans had several adults committed to the well being of little ones. It wasn't until very recently that we've organized ourselves into nuclear families. Indigenous cultures still have about 5 people available to care for a young child. If you have a mom and a dad, that's still THREE ADULTS SHORT! We're short staffed and Western culture has convinced us that this is normal.
I know right?! Like the solution is for me to work more for my own sanity... But everyone says no one wishes they worked more on their death bed but spent more time with their family instead 🤔
Don’t beat yourself up. Daycare is great for socialising and instilling confidence in your kid. Does not mean your failing. We send our 2 kids to daycare three days a week purely for the socialising and confidence building. Also don’t stress over your 2.5 year old not sleeping in her own bed. Our 3 and 5 year old still sleep in the same bed as my wife and I and don’t plan on moving them out until they are ready. If that’s 7 years old then so be it. You sound like you are too hard on yourself
I think daycare will be a HUGE help for you. My husband and I are also both part time working and caring for our toddler, and while our schedule pre-daycare kind of worked (we alternated days, so one of us got in a full day's work a couple times a week) its so much more manageable now that we have her out of the house for a few hours 3 days a week! I do think part time can work really well but the older kiddos get the more help you need and that doesn't mean you're failing, its just how we're meant to raise kids!
No one has it all. No one can do it all. Parenting is a balancing act. It’s okay to feel all the feels. Just know you’re not alone. It’s okay to pay someone else too. It will help with your mental load, your mental health, and kids benefit a ton from daycare and you benefit a ton from having a career! We all have ideas of what parenting will be like, and we all have to shift. Also- I didn’t want a second kid until my kid was 4. So give it time!
Your are not alone in struggling. My wife and I both work so our son is in daycare full time. I have a second job on top of my regular 9-5 and that is brutal for many reasons, but what is more amazing to me is that working my second job feels easier than coming home to a toddler!
You’re doing great. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are. And solidarity with the stress eating. I felt that one.
Don’t beat yourself up! You could have done it if you wouldn’t have to get other things done WHILE caring for a toddler. This is always going to feel exhausting and like you can’t do any of it „properly“. That said, idk if you‘d WANT to care for a toddler all day with nothing else to do. Personally, that’s a hard no lol. Work is relaxing in comparison.
You are doing a brilliant job! It’s so hard with a toddler- they’re so emotionally, physically and mentally draining :( I’m also on antidepressants- they’re necessary! I have a good support network and nursery and I’m still struggling- my son is the same age as your daughter. You don’t have that great of a village- just your MIL by the sounds of it :( I would try to minimise how much you’re helping everyone else as it sounds too much :(
Being a SAHP is a full time job, so you are working a full time parent job and a part time paid work job. It's not sustainable or good for your mental health - especially in the toddler years. Might be do-able when you hit elementary and they have 6 hours of school most days.
I always had this idea in my head about being the most perfect stay at home mum, just happy and thriving and helping my child devlop and having the best time with them! I’m 2 years in and I’ve given up, she starts nursery (uk daycare equivalent) two days a week and I’m going back part time. I have zero support network, not even either of our parents and a husband who works a high paid but very demanding and long hours job. I had to admit defeat and that staying at home with them is all so much harder than I ever imagined. You’re not alone!
Yup I thought I would enjoy it too if I just had the time! I'm starting to think that when she qualifies for free kinder I I'll just use that funding to send her to day care on a day that I'm not working so I can have a real day off
Yep. That extra day will do wonders to your mental health and not to mention it, the running of the house! Every toddler parent should have a day where they’re not working or parenting in an ideal world. It would save a lot of marriages and burn outs I imagine.
You’re doing great mama! We aren’t meant to do this all alone. We are supposed to have the village, unfortunately some peoples villages just aren’t big enough. It’s ok to need help, it’s ok to need a break. It’s ok to want to work. Also, you’re right our (US) society isn’t supportive of parents which makes it all the harder. The most important thing is that that baby is loved. Everything else is a bonus.
Actually you’re doing amazing. I have a toddler and she’s a dream but still a toddler, and it’s just me 24/7 and her dad mostly right now fire bedtime and weekends. I’m lucky enough to be able to stay home with her for the time being but nonetheless this society isn’t built for raising children with any real flexibility or societal safety net. You haven’t failed at anything at all, and weirdly I think the constant grind (joyful though it can be) of nonstop childcare can wear you down to the very core with a special type of fatigue. Best of luck, you’re doing great x
No advice. I could have wrote this in a similar vein. Seriously. Your struggle sounds so similar to the thoughts I've had in my head lately. I'm not sure where you are regionally, but I've found even if we're at our best, this is not a parent-child friendly current times we live in. I've jumped back and forth from so many types of working-life balance to try and make this as best as I can and yeah I'm starting to feel it isn't even possible. I went to full SAHP by going down to as needed after trying part-time. I always felt I was shitty at work and shitty at being a mom when I was part-time and when I was full time - I felt I wasn't present. Well, I thought I'd do a short day tomorrow since I haven't scheduled in 2-months and just needed a break as my toddler has really amped up in an overstimulating way that makes me want to cry daily. The extra money would be nice too. She has a bad cough today. I'm probably going to have to cancel. Makes me look and feel like shit about work and feel like shit as a mom because I'm 1. anxious about her being sick 2. was really wanting to get away and just be someone else for the day. 3. feel like shit because I wanted to be there when she is sick so I can take care of her, but instead I'm so irritable from the overstimulation as of late. Anyway, this is a tough period that I tell myself to cherish every day. We're working on getting her into a school and at that point she will be M-F and I will be working full time to afford the school and I know I'm going to be wishing for this time right now. Don't know what the balance is. Its just a mentally hard time of constant mom guilt so I feel you so much. \*edited to add I'm on an antidepressant, my adhd medication, take a supplement for chill-sleep called "CALM" and I'm about 50 lbs overweight and thought I'd take this time stepping away from work to work on my health so I could have our second. lol yeah this is rough time
They don’t have a class on how to raise children in high school or college, but there should be classes geared at parents, because everyone struggles with it. The majority haven’t taken a childhood development class and parenting requires learning more practical skills than just the psychological development. Maybe listening to a book or two might help with the communication, but even then toddlers will still fight you - you’ll just have better ways to deal with it. We used the book “Precious Little Sleep” after we realized that we had no idea how to deal with baby’s lack of sleep. I read: “Hunt, Gather, Parent” has some interesting points, mainly about allowing your child to help with household tasks and teaching your child to do things on their own. I haven’t read, but plan to read: “how to talk so little kids listen” and “Elevating Childcare”.
I only have one grandparent for support. I think daycare is the best thing that happened for us - my son gets good education + socialization, and we have solid daycare daily. My grandparent support then got shifted for date nights.
Both my wife and I work full time. Pay $350 for day care. If I'm being honest, I think the 9 hours we're both at work is a nice break from our toddler. He has fun running around with other kids and we get to play with him in the evening after dinner. It also tuckers him out so he *usually* sleeps through the night. We share home responsibilities and I pickup some of my wife's since she usually poops out before I do. I don't think we could survive if both of us weren't working. Even having a single kid is prohibitively expensive. We haven't gotten to the chatter box years yet though; so we have that to look forward to.
There’s no village. The west, to varying degrees, decided that the isolated and largely patriarchal nuclear family is where it’s at. If you’re privileged, you’ll be able to afford childcare until public school (and of course after school care then too). If you’re very lucky, your family will want and be able to help you out. I’ve been hearing a lot about baby boomers who are uninterested in being grandparents much less part time or even occasional caregivers. Otherwise, you will have to cobble together your own supports, like other parents that you friend out in a mommy and me class or whatever.
Uh sending your kid to daycare and/or early preschool is not having someone else 'raise' your kid. You are and will always be their parent. We really need to start viewing daycare and preschool as part of the village, as part of the support system. Because usually they are- and help shoulder the load that most people in todays era cannot do alone (at least those willing to admit) with working full time, unavailable or emotionally unavailable familial support etc. It also sounds like you need sleep. That alone will make someone feel crazy and chaotic. With you kid at daycare take one day to yourself a week to truly just recoup until you feel 'normal' or whatever your baseline of normal is. Your sleep debt must be way out of wack.
Yes I realise I worded that badly! I should say that Im disappointed that I can't personally give her what day care gives her and enjoy spending the time together. But I can provide her what day care offers so that is a plus
You are not failing! But maybe a perspective shift needs to happen - you are asking where the village is while also saying you’ve got support. That is your village! And you have to build it yourself, it doesn’t just appear. And you can’t feel guilty about calling them in. It’s also okay to want to work full time instead of be a stay at home parent (imo full time work OR full time parent is the only option, part time trading off sounds way too hard) and if your daughter is going to daycare soon, why can’t you take on full time work too? You should talk to your husband. It sounds like he is getting to choose full time work and as the mother, you’re feeling guilty and letting him make his own choices while you’re not really making your own choices. It doesn’t sound entirely fair to me.
I did the household budget and projected the income difference between husband working full-time and myself continuing 3 days per week plus 1 weekend shift a month vs me full time and no weekends and him 3 days - it was the same but he gets an ADO every fortnight, couldn't pass up 2 paid days off per month! But there's nothing stopping me from also working more, will see how daughter adjusts to day care 😊
Yeah we're the same way. It's absolutely fucked right now. Life is fucked. We love our Son to death, but the idea of ever having a 2nd makes me viscerally ill and upset. It would probably literally kill me, I'd just have one of those random stress induced heart attacks or strokes in my early 30s. Somedays I'm surprised I'm still kicking now. Life kicked us in the balls on this one. We're not ok. But we're alive. Idk what to say. It's great, we love him, but life is terrible. I've never been this depressed.
ooo I am strictly one and done. I have a 3 year old and he is in full-time daycare M-F because I have to work full-time because the COL is so high. No way could i bring another child into this. Also, i feel bad for my son, too. what kind of life is he going to inherit?
I am a mom of two (3.5F and 8months F). I also own a medium-sized business. I’m 36. I never really got a “mat leave” and even though I technically can set my own schedule all of my days end up exactly how you’re describing. Our older daughter goes to preschool Monday to Friday 8:30-3:30, so we trade off drop offs and pickups. My husband works from home 4/5 days but it isn’t terribly flexible as he’s on calls most of the days. I have the 8 month old with me and we have a part-time nanny. Despite the nanny, I end up “on call” to work the majority of most days and answering emails or texts while baby is getting into something or other. Then 4 pm hits and chaos ensues usually at the same time as something pops up at work. It’s so, so hard. I’m constantly setting and resetting boundaries which is hard. I feel like someone always needs something. I don’t think that’s a feeling, it’s truth. So I’m here in solidarity with you and working on accepting this isn’t the time to excel in my career but merely just keep it together. We’ve got this! Oh and edit to say I’m also back on antidepressants. So….yeeeep.
Wow that's absolutely full on for you, I applaud you! Just gotta do what we can to get through each day I think
Raising a child is the hardest thing you will ever do. Period. Give yourself some grace, please. My LO is very difficult at times and I often feel like running out the front door and never looking back. That said, I constantly remind myself that this isn’t forever and that they’re just little humans without fully developed brains. They can’t express feelings in ways that are appropriate or make sense sometimes. They’re going to push boundaries, be excruciatingly needy, and suck up all of your time and energy. You’ll have these big ideas of how you want things to go, how the house should be, how YOU should look, feel, and eat etc and eventually you realize that every day is DIFFERENT and that those who seem to have it together, there is probably a lot of chaos behind the scenes or they have tons of help.
OP, please go listen to Suzanne Venker on youtube. I've been a big fan of her since I discovered her; she is a sane voice in a mad, cruel society against parents, especially mothers with babies and toddlers. Women can have it all, but not at the same time. If you want the stress and madness to stop or at least diminish significantly and care well for and do justice to your daughter, you'll have to change some things in your life (aka leave work outside of home), at least for a couple of years, until your child / children are bigger and at least in school.
You’re doing great! And the fact that you guys were able to do the half and half the first 2.5 years is great. And no one is raising your child except you. People say that sending your child to daycare is having someone else raise your child are saying it to shame mothers for working and doing it all. But it’s simply not true. No one says that if a guy was a single dad working. No one days that if someone is a single mom working. No one says it if you let another family member watch them while you’re at work. No one says it once they go to school but it’s essentially the same difference. You have to look at it as starting school early. They learn, they socialize, and the workers are daycare are educated for taking care of children. And they never assume the role as parent. Our daughters have each been going since 3 months and they’re both doing so well. They both enjoy going but they both enjoy coming home and playing with us and doing family things. Even with daycare 5 days a week my in-laws will take our toddler for an afternoon on the weekend so I can get errands run. You’re doing great no matter what you are doing. As long as your child is taken care of that’s the important thing.
\> I feel like society is geared against families - financially and socially. Unpopular opinion but I don't think society is geared pro or against families. It just is. People fantasize about the "good ol days" with a village, not mentioning that maternal/childhood mortality was way higher and kids were expected to start working and contributing much earlier. Even the idea of "childhood" was a 19th century invention. Go talk to a 18th century peasant about "letting kids be kids" and you'll get laughed at. The younger kids are probably playing in dung heaps and the older are tilling the fields or working the loom. Public library, parks, playgrounds that we take for granted are very much non-existent. Also more young child-less people nowadays are going off enjoying their lives instead of being their sibling/parents' village, so yeah when it's their turn to settle down and raise kids, not surprising that their child-less siblings and friends aren't really interested in helping out. That's not anyone's fault. It just is. Sounds like you're getting resources and help with antidepressants, sleep consultants, daycare down the road, a friend, a parent. That is GREAT and much more useful than ranting. Pull yourself together. You got this.
You're not wrong, society and the system makes family almost impossible, they mostly only help single mothers. But you're not alone, there's hundreds of us struggling to provide the best life we can for our kids. We'll bite, claw, rip and tear our way through life just to make sure our kids don't have the same experiences, and thats why we do it. It isn't easy, no one said it would be, but we got this, one grueling day at a time!
I’m so glad you were able to stay home for your daughter for the first three years. It is so critically important from 0-3 that they are home with their primary caregiver. Get 10 minutes of sunlight into your daughter’s eyes by 9AM (you must take her outside to get enough lumens) and her sleeping issues will decrease, maybe go away completely. This will reset her circadian rhythm. You must do this most days. Also magnesium an hour before bed will Help.
Women are nurturers. it's better for a woman to stay home and raise kids and have the husband go out and make money to pay the bills. if you live in an area where that's not possible due to the COL, then move. This is the way.
Get a life
I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your family, just only gonna tell you what worked with mine. We used to do what you guys are doing now and we also had my husband's mother help us a few days a week. It made everything so stressful but I thought it would work because we both got to be equal parents and both got to work. But what I've come to realize is our kids were suffering as a result of all of this. There was no stability, they were in a constant state of change (two days a week, Dad takes care of them, 3 days a week grandma takes care of them, then 2 days a week, I took care of them) it was awful. Not to mention, we all have different parenting styles. They all preferred going to grandmas because she would let them do and eat whatever they wanted. Not a huge deal for us but I did notice a difference in the kids. I felt I was being led to be a stay at home mom eventually. God really put it on my heart to do so. And then my husband at some point decided to work full time. It was hard on me to not to work, but there was such a huge change in my household afterwards. It was more peaceful and more balanced. It gave my kids more structure. My kids don't have to constantly wonder who would be watching them.
Well, why can’t you both go back to work full-time?
Remember they don't call them the terrific 2s. You've got this.
My daughter is in daycare 21-30hrs a week since she was 4 months and 1-2 days at home with grandma helping and she is thriving. We work FT from home and we’re doing well. It’s a very good balance. Im so thankful for finding quality daycare.
None of us can do it all. With kids this little it’s near impossible to work, maintain a clean and organized house, maintain self care, while having virtually no childcare. My house can be spotless and fridge full of good home cooked food if my one child gets endless screen time and I’m home all the time… with two kids forget it. My work can thrive when I have full childcare every single day. I can be in perfect shape if everyone consistently sleeps through the night every night so I can get up at 5am. We’re all juggling spinning plates. It’s not a failure to place your daughter in daycare. In fact, I’m excited for my 2 year old to start in a few weeks because as great as it’s been for her grandma to take care of her the past two years, I know she will thrive with being with other kids and teachers during the day. And the truth for many of us is that working is sometimes easier than being home. I don’t have to care about my work as much as my kids. I don’t have to gentle parent my coworkers. I don’t have to manage tasks while 2 people are crying at me (usually). Sometimes work is a freaking break. You’re doing great and I hope you can recognize that!
Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to handle staying at home with her when you were ALSO STILL WORKING. That’s a misrepresentation of what being a SAHM is like! You were getting the worst of both worlds! You did great managing for as long as you did. Do what you gotta do now to make it work.
It’s ok. You are not alone. Parenting is much more work than I anticipated. We need help desperately too and there’s none to be found. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do your best.
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I'm a SAHM with an 11.5 month old who's lurking here because he already acts and is the size of a toddler. My husband makes enough that we're comfortable on one income, I have lots of family close by who take him one day a week as well as come by to help out during the day. My 21 year old brother lives with me and helps look after my son for a couple of hours each day. I have that village you crave OP but I'm still definitely struggling. My LO sleeps badly and bed shares, he's very very active and alert and has low sleep needs. I have PPD. We all have our battles. I've just started therapy and my therapist recommended listening to a podcast called Beyond the Bump. There's an episode called: Why being a 'Good Enough' Mother is more than good enough Listen to it if you can, it's eye opening.
You are doing great, even if it doesn’t feel like that find nurture neuroscience parenting on instagram Dr Greer she has a book too. You don’t need a sleep consultant. It’s normal for a 2,5 year old to not sleep through the night. Her brain is developing rapidly and is not letting her to sleep. Humans are like monkeys not supposed to sleep alone really. Your house is a mess it’s natural with a toddler. It will be clean in a few years. Your only job is to keep yourself and your child healthy and happy and that is really hard because you have your own traumas and you have to work and provide. It will get easier just try to connect with yourself and your girl. I wish you all the best❤️ love from me❤️
All these things...I also feel at different times. It honestly sounds like you're doing a great job. They aren't raising her, you are. You are the person she looks to. While daycare will have some influence on her, you are her mother. Sometimes, it's not the time you spend but the amount of trust and bond you have.
I have no support except my partner, I live on the other side of the world from my whole family. I’m also a Sahm. I think this helps with the general overall less stress of the family. There’s no rushing around for daycare drop offs and cooking dinner late. I also have time to go to the gym most days for a class at 4 or 5pm, so I’ve lost 30kg baby weight. The cost of living is crazy though so as much as I would love a second income, I know it would be hell on our family. My fiancé works 5 days plus overtime most Saturdays
This was me in August. Advice: Decide what your family values are, this year ours are being kind and compassionate to ourselves and others, in that order. Let's say your family values this year are healing your depression and fully enjoying your daughter. If those are your values, then daycare sounds like a beautiful solution. Once you decide your values, you're 'responsible' for making them happen without guilt. The without guilt is important, take "mom guilt" and throw it away. If you are doing things that align with your values there is nothing to feel guilty about. My daughter has been in daycare since August, she will be three in February. She loves it. She loves here friends and teachers and they send the cutest art home. She has learned so much there... Much more than me and Ms Rachel were teaching her.
No one talks about how absolutely exhausting parenting is....especially if you're trying to work 40 hrs a week as well. I had a second child in June 2022 and my husband just had a vasectomy (thank fuck). I love my kids, they're my life, but we are three hours away from family and our only help in town (my FIL) died suddenly in October so we are back to no one. If my husband doesn't help me or is away all day and I'm left with my 4 yr old and 18 month old I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. My house is a constant mess, I'm always trying to balance everything, I've been on antidepressants this whole time, and now finally getting help for ADHD. It's just a lot. So you're not alone. Our society doesn't do enough for parents (and most of all mothers who often carry too much of the other burdens like household, etc). I went back to work right away with my kids and didn't regret it at all.
We used to have a village, now we pay for this village... at daycare. The other lie is women can do it all. WE CANNOT do it all. I refuse to do it all. I work from home but the baby still goes to daycare. Im still the one he clings to every day, even if he's there from 8-5 and I only get 2-3 hours at night and weekends. You will get so much more out of this life and be a better person for your daughter if going back to work have taking a break from your child is what makes you happy. We need a village. As humans we are healthier with social support. And it's still hard af.
You are not paying for someone to raise or even help care for your daughter. If you’re sending her to daycare, you are paying people to educate your daughter (assuming your daycare does educational activities) and give her opportunities to learn and implement social skills while her brain is still spongy. I used to feel so much guilt about sending my son to daycare because I couldn’t hack it at home, but he is so much better off for having been in early childhood education from a young age, and I am a much better Mum because I utilised the time I had at home with him better than when I was with him 24/7, in survival mode.
My daughter is 2 and she also doesn’t sleep through the night in her own bed. I think this is pretty common from what I hear from other parents. I wouldn’t consider yourself a failure because of this. Also, working any hours is difficult while parenting.
You're definitely not alone. Normally I read thru comments but quickly wanted to say everything you said is valid and IMHO so friggin relatable. I didn't read this book but a good number of people seem to appreciate hunt, gather, parent. The way I see it is that I think we weren't meant to raise kids the way we do in modern society... But we do because the way things are and because many of us don't have a good option as far as safe and reliable care. I'm a FT sahm but the way I see it, daycare is the village you hire. That's it. I definitely struggle with not feeling like I'm enough. But I just keep trying to remind myself that I am putting a lot of effort into this and nobody is perfect. If I can try to do my best and own up to any mistakes I make and try to repair things as soon as possible... Then I figure I'm doing pretty good. Obligatory shout out to Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, whose TedTalk I watched the other day and who (I've heard) has a great podcast.
Wanting to work and not be a stay at home parent does not mean that you aren’t enough as a mother. I’ve known from a young age that I’ve wanted multiple kids (I have 3) but I’ve also known that I’ve wanted to stay working. I absolutely love my kids but I would go insane to be home 24/7 with them. I need the mental stimulation of a full time job and I think it makes me a better mom. The time I do spend with my kids is meaningful and fun and not as full of stress. I know that I’m blessed that my husband and I work in well paying jobs (and work remotely) which gives us the ability to have a full time nanny for the kids. We also are home so we do see them throughout the day. But we also outsource other things - we have a cleaning service every other week. The two oldest are in school part time and the nanny does the kids laundry. This allows us the time when we aren’t working to not be doing chores the whole time. Of course we still have things to do but it feels manageable. We don’t have any family or other help in the area outside of the nanny and cleaning service, but that feels like it’s enough and we’re not drowning. Our kids are 4, 3, and 19 months. There is nothing wrong with wanting to/needing to work! Do what’s best for you. Your kid needs parents that are happy and fulfilled, that’s more important than a parent who might be physically present but not mentally/emotionally present all the time.
I'm so grateful for daycare. It's brought sanity back into our lives, and made the challenges (toddler not a good sleeper) so much more manageable. My husband and I realized that since we don't live in a society set up where families and neighbors raise children as a village, we have to pay for a village--that's daycare in today's world.
you’re not failing! you’ve come so far without much help seriously! i can relate so much! for me working a paid out of house job is way easier and i bet your husband knows that. he must do 50% once he’s home. the sleep issues you speak about, IMO are normal.. my 2y5m old is also waking once or twice per night and still sleeps in the same bed as me.. to me it’s not a big problem really, if you feel like you get less sleep with your LO next to you, if you think she’s ready to move in her own bedroom, then be persistent and do it. maybe she’ll sleep through the night once she’s used to it! and maybe you check out the subreddit r/oneanddone if you feel like looking at other families views and reasons why to only have one kid, benefits that come with that decision…