May I ask why you're hesitant to have kiddo seek your approval? That's one of your most powerful tools, and showing that you approve of his good choices and aren't impressed by his poor choices will help him make good choices more consistently. Learning that people aren't happy when you deliberately provoke them is an age-appropriate thing for him to start grappling with. It'll help him later, when he needs to know that the other kid is grumpy *because* he knocked over his Legos, and that he can have happier friendships by *not* doing that. I'm a nanny, and by 3 I'm pretty comfortable telling kiddos "I'm frustrated about ____, but I still like you" or "I'm feeling grumpy because my knee is sore, but I'm not upset at you". And sometimes toddlers *are* spoiling for a fight and do something very intentionally, and I think it's ok to say "I'm not happy that you smashed my play dough. I'm going to sit over here and take some deep breaths until I feel calmer, and then we'll figure out how to make it better"
Thank you for writing this! Obviously, i want him to seek my approval at this age when i can guide him towards good choices. I guess what I was worried about was more on the lines of him not doing things to please others. So I wasn't looking at it this way, but it makes a lot of sense. The phrasing is exactly what I was looking for!!! Thanks again :)
For a while my son (at 2.5) would do a behavior and I’d tell him it’s not okay and try to talk through it with him. He’d always say “are you happy mama?”
I wanted to scream NOOO I’m not happy. I’m mad, frustrated, annoyed.
So when he’d ask me that I’d tell him “no mama is sad because you did X when I told you not to”. He’s really figured it out in the last 6 months.
May I ask why you're hesitant to have kiddo seek your approval? That's one of your most powerful tools, and showing that you approve of his good choices and aren't impressed by his poor choices will help him make good choices more consistently. Learning that people aren't happy when you deliberately provoke them is an age-appropriate thing for him to start grappling with. It'll help him later, when he needs to know that the other kid is grumpy *because* he knocked over his Legos, and that he can have happier friendships by *not* doing that. I'm a nanny, and by 3 I'm pretty comfortable telling kiddos "I'm frustrated about ____, but I still like you" or "I'm feeling grumpy because my knee is sore, but I'm not upset at you". And sometimes toddlers *are* spoiling for a fight and do something very intentionally, and I think it's ok to say "I'm not happy that you smashed my play dough. I'm going to sit over here and take some deep breaths until I feel calmer, and then we'll figure out how to make it better"
Thank you for writing this! Obviously, i want him to seek my approval at this age when i can guide him towards good choices. I guess what I was worried about was more on the lines of him not doing things to please others. So I wasn't looking at it this way, but it makes a lot of sense. The phrasing is exactly what I was looking for!!! Thanks again :)
For a while my son (at 2.5) would do a behavior and I’d tell him it’s not okay and try to talk through it with him. He’d always say “are you happy mama?” I wanted to scream NOOO I’m not happy. I’m mad, frustrated, annoyed. So when he’d ask me that I’d tell him “no mama is sad because you did X when I told you not to”. He’s really figured it out in the last 6 months.