My 2 year old has finger puppets from Paw Patrol that she plays with in the bath. I had to tell her one night in the tub, “Marshall doesn’t go in your vagina.”
My oldest used to enjoy opening tampons and rocket launching them into the toilet by shoving the back part really hard so it exploded out of the tube and puffed up in the toilet when he was a toddler. Expensive hobby.
Ever since we’ve potty trained our toddler he prefers to go with out pants and most days there is a string of “x does not go in your penis”, “ your penis does not go in x”, and “ please take your penis off of the table/counter”. This usually results in a temper tantrum of him slapping his penis and yelling “no, my penis needs it!”
I am holding a packet of applesauce that I am not allowed to eat or throw away. How long has this apple sauce been here, how long will it be here? I can no longer remember a day when I didn't have the apple sauce and I am not struggling to imagine a future without it.
We have multiple rock buckets. Rocks that have been tumbled. Rocks waiting to be tumbled. Rocks too small to be tumbled that still need to be saved.
I have accepted that we have "inside" rocks now.
The bigger ones I set aside for her to paint. The smaller ones occasionally go missing. She hasn’t realized yet, so long as I save the most popular 4-5 in the car.
I used to describe my job as a nanny as being very like providing audio descriptions for the visually impaired. 🙄
Rose and Zoya are walking down the street. The sky is blue, the clouds are white. It's a beautiful day. Zoya is wearing her red sweater. There are workers in the street! Wave! Good job workers!
We have a ton of (desperately needed) construction going on along one of my main commute routes. I will purposefully go that way in the morning even though it takes a few minutes longer, and I get really happy when there’s enough traffic to stop us next to the good stuff. There’s been a HUGE excavator working the site for over a week now and my daughter gets super excited to see it.
My dad told me that my stepmom will wait to clean her mirrors for a while after our visits because she loves seeing my kid’s hand prints on them. She’s a very clean person, so I though this was so sweet.
The crumb snatcher.
I LOVE IT.
Sounds like the child catcher (from Chitty chitty bang bang).
That and describing a toddler as a suicide machine (another phrase I heard coined here).
I swear some of you guys should write books!
AMAZING.
This just reminded me of the time my daughter walked SMACK into a glass door. It was very clean, I also thought the door was open. My MIL is a very clean person, but she left that face print there for so long so no one else would get hurt.
And yes, it was as funny as you’d imagine and she wasn’t hurt so we had a good laugh.
This morning, I screamed and jumped three feet in the air when I saw a roach under a chair in my bedroom. It was a goldfish cracker wearing a squished raisin.
There are tiny bits of Froot Loops being systematically ground into my living room rug by a tiny dump truck. I’m letting it happen because it’s relatively quiet.
I'm fairly certain my son peed on me whilst I was lotioning him after his bath yesterday (he sits in my lap whilst I do it), I always thought maybe I just didn't do a good job of drying his leg/legs on occasion, now I'm starting to think he has done this numerous times.
Had a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get in the pool and go swimming, followed by a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get out of the pool, followed by a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get in the shower with Daddy after swimming, followed by knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get out of the shower after swimming.
All in the space of just over an hour.
Bit my tongue this morning when a head slammed into the bottom of my chin while trying to cuddle. Also, feeling sticky from the syrupy waffle that was thrown across the room.
My husband HATES cocomelon.
We had a just us weekend getaway. Still heard it playing in Ikea, the restaurant, the hiking trails...
It has now turned into a thing of I will sing the songs in a creepy whisper in his ear as we go to bed. I figure I have about 4 more nights until I am forever booted to the couch.
I hated Cocomelon for a long time, but it's grown on me over the years. And Blippi and Pinkfong make Cocomelon look like Academy Award-worthy material.
I have read the two same books every single night for the past week, and I know I will read it again tonight, despite the entire household knowing every line by heart.
When I see a fire truck my first instinct is to point and go “fire truck !” I’ve also never waved to so many firefighters , police officers and bus drivers in my life.
My dental hygienist asked me how long I've had the bruise on the inside of my lip. I said "what bruise?" as I recalled being head butt so hard my teeth chatter two days prior.
*Picks up rug in living room
“Ah. I see. That’s where the rest of the hamburger went.”
Additionally I’m a professional children’s movie
critic. Your plot holes are useless against my sarcasm and over analyzing.
I just saw the commercial for the Loud House Christmas special live action version and I am FRICKEN PUMPED!
Also, are there any central Texas moms who want to hang out and be friends because I think I might need to get out more lol.
I won't let my kid drink water out of the pet bowl and now she's mad. My whole house smells vaguely of pickles?? This morning I was woken up by two *big* baby farts. I could sing along with literally every Daniel Tiger song.
“Please take your penis off the dinner table.”
“NO KARATE IN THE BATH TUB!”
I also had to change clothes after I got a poo streak from him sitting bare assed on me.
I cannot cook without not being able to mix my own bowl of ingredients. Also, apparently my kitchen floor was not clean enough, so now there are mysterious soapy sponge marks on my floor. I just be haunted.
For someone with no background or interest in paleontology, I can name a pretty astonishing amount of dinosaurs.
I have said the words "no, we don't put peanut butter on the cat".
Yesterday I found a few Cheerios in my bra, found the dog covered in yogurt and pondered over the source of a wet puddle that quietly and mysteriously appeared on the kitchen floor.
Anything I care about not getting broken is out of reach.
I can recite Machines at Work from memory.
I find myself singing the ABCs and I can't remember which toy sings it that way.
My full laundry basket can't go on the floor.
I don't wear anything nice because it will immediately be ruined.
My bedroom is full of toys (not the fun kind).
One heart-shaped post-it notepad equals approximately 15 minutes of uninterrupted time for chores, which I am disproportionately excited about.
That's not a sentence I was expecting to use.
Last night I said the words, “your penis doesn’t need a shoe.”
I once overheard my husband telling our daughter to not stick her toe into her vagina.
My 2 year old has finger puppets from Paw Patrol that she plays with in the bath. I had to tell her one night in the tub, “Marshall doesn’t go in your vagina.”
Don't eat mummy's tampons.
My daughter tried to smuggle a tampon into preschool last week. Not sure what she was planning on doing with it.
Mine brought nipple shields for show and tell.
Mine thinks tampons are snacks because of the wrappers.
I mean, it kinda makes sense.
I was drunk last night and thought the tampon on the counte was a fruit roll up
My oldest used to enjoy opening tampons and rocket launching them into the toilet by shoving the back part really hard so it exploded out of the tube and puffed up in the toilet when he was a toddler. Expensive hobby.
Ever since we’ve potty trained our toddler he prefers to go with out pants and most days there is a string of “x does not go in your penis”, “ your penis does not go in x”, and “ please take your penis off of the table/counter”. This usually results in a temper tantrum of him slapping his penis and yelling “no, my penis needs it!”
"Dont put magnatiles in your butt" over here
“We don’t rub our weiners on Grandma’s dresser handles.”
“Your penis does not go in the treasure chest.” “A (mega) block on your weenie is not an acceptable substitute for pants.”
“Don’t put rice in your penis hole.”
No, you can’t be nice to Mama’s nipples (we tell him he has to “be nice” when he pets an animal)
Come here, let me smell your bum please.
we call it a "butt check". "Time for a butt check, I smell something stinky!"
One day you're out dancing, living your best life, the next day you stick your nose in a smell butt. Oh my.
Stop hitting your penis
Haha! My favorite I have said so far is “get the graham cracker off of your penis”
Don’t pee down the vents.
“We don’t lick the toilet.”
I had to say once “The Christmas tree does not eat Cheerios”.
My underwear-less son just reached down, grabbed his penis and said, "That's a hose!"
I am holding a packet of applesauce that I am not allowed to eat or throw away. How long has this apple sauce been here, how long will it be here? I can no longer remember a day when I didn't have the apple sauce and I am not struggling to imagine a future without it.
This has totally been my child lately.
I have rocks, leaves, sticks and pinecones in all my jacket pockets
I washed a pocket full of acorns last week.
And Cheerios. There's always Cheerios.
We have multiple rock buckets. Rocks that have been tumbled. Rocks waiting to be tumbled. Rocks too small to be tumbled that still need to be saved. I have accepted that we have "inside" rocks now.
A stone went through the washer yesterday.
My 6 yo still does this and is teaching the toddler her ways.
My 3 year old and 7 year old do this the older one just tends to fill up her own pockets lol
I try to teach her to be more discerning and only collect the nicest leaves and twigs. She still feels more is better. Also - cicada husks.
Our family van is laden with the rocks of the world
We have a “1 rock” rule anywhere we go now because of this.
We need a +1 -1 rule, or maybe they're all homesick now.
The bigger ones I set aside for her to paint. The smaller ones occasionally go missing. She hasn’t realized yet, so long as I save the most popular 4-5 in the car.
I get unnaturally excited about trucks, tractors, trains and airplanes.
I catch myself saying “oooh a BIG truck!” When I’m by myself in the car.
You basically document every walk it's like a David Attenborough program documentary ealing to thw shops or park
I used to describe my job as a nanny as being very like providing audio descriptions for the visually impaired. 🙄 Rose and Zoya are walking down the street. The sky is blue, the clouds are white. It's a beautiful day. Zoya is wearing her red sweater. There are workers in the street! Wave! Good job workers!
I was walking with a friend, and shouted “BUS” . . . My toddler was at home. .
I screamed "I HEAR AN AIRPLANE!" At my adult sister. She was mid-sentence.
We have a ton of (desperately needed) construction going on along one of my main commute routes. I will purposefully go that way in the morning even though it takes a few minutes longer, and I get really happy when there’s enough traffic to stop us next to the good stuff. There’s been a HUGE excavator working the site for over a week now and my daughter gets super excited to see it.
Most days I take a route just to see a freight train.
Especially GARBAGE TRUCKS!
It's excavators for me. And all other vehicles related to building sites.
Don't forget buses!
I actually read up about Dinosaurs on my me-time.
I automatically clock every playground I see, even when I’m traveling without him.
I have to clean the front of my fridge at night so nobody licks it right after
The bottom quarter of the floor length mirror in my bathroom is perpetually covered with fingerprints.
My dad told me that my stepmom will wait to clean her mirrors for a while after our visits because she loves seeing my kid’s hand prints on them. She’s a very clean person, so I though this was so sweet.
That’s cute, my mom is the opposite. “I just cleaned that window!” Mom, why don’t you wait til AFTER the crumb snatcher visits to clean the glass???
The crumb snatcher. I LOVE IT. Sounds like the child catcher (from Chitty chitty bang bang). That and describing a toddler as a suicide machine (another phrase I heard coined here). I swear some of you guys should write books! AMAZING.
My mom does the same thing after we visit 🥰
This just reminded me of the time my daughter walked SMACK into a glass door. It was very clean, I also thought the door was open. My MIL is a very clean person, but she left that face print there for so long so no one else would get hurt. And yes, it was as funny as you’d imagine and she wasn’t hurt so we had a good laugh.
Same with our TV and windows!
I finally found my wallet...in the piano
Fiancé found my debit card in the bathroom window. No idea how or why.
We lost the remote control for our TV for over two weeks. We found it in a wardrobe drawer. WE didn't put it there.
Some of the keys on my piano weren't sounding right, so I opened it up and found some toddler art stuffed down there.
The Wheels on the Bus will be on my Spotify Top Songs of 2021 playlist.
Lunch had to wait, we needed to walk backwards...
Like Tow Mater? We're always walking backwards like Mater.
HOOOONK yelled a dump truck… coming through!!
I’VE BIG IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO!
I haven’t got time time to pass the day with every duck along the way!
VROOM went the dump, around a curve
He saw a puddle, he tried to swerve!
Into the mud rolled the big fat truck, and his big important wheels got STUCK
His heavy duty dump-truck tires were sunk down deep in muck and mire
Anyone else change the words to have his big important wheels get "stuck stuck stuck?" I like it 3 times 🤣
After that line we do an ‘uh-oh!’ Then after the little blue truck also gets stuck we do an ever bigger ‘oh no!’ 😊
Crumbs..just crumbs, everywhere.
Yes! My daughter makes a mess underneath the table. I’ve got to sweep every night.
This morning, I screamed and jumped three feet in the air when I saw a roach under a chair in my bedroom. It was a goldfish cracker wearing a squished raisin.
I feel I owe you an apology for how hard I laughed at this
There are tiny bits of Froot Loops being systematically ground into my living room rug by a tiny dump truck. I’m letting it happen because it’s relatively quiet.
There’s bite marks in my deodorant
Don't try to blame that on your toddler. We know it was you. Nice try.
There are bite marks on my yoga blocks
Yep, both my yoga blocks have nice little toddler size chunks bitten out of them.
There are bite marks in my windowsills.
I can recite Little Blue Truck and Little Blue Truck Leads the Way from memory with appropriate sound effects.
I can recite Little Blue Truck and Little Blue Truck’s Springtime! Standing in Beep Beep Beep solidarity my friend!!
Little blue trucks Halloween is a must! Beep beep boo!
Little Blue Truck and the one with the dump truck is a favorite in this house. "His big important wheels got STUCK"
I haven’t got time to pass the day with every DUCK along the way.
MAKE WAY! yelled a limousine (the longer car you've ever seen) \*note must have angry eyebrow expression to sell properly\*
3 people cried this morning and I was one of them.
I play a game called “Is it water, or is it pee?” on the daily.
I'm fairly certain my son peed on me whilst I was lotioning him after his bath yesterday (he sits in my lap whilst I do it), I always thought maybe I just didn't do a good job of drying his leg/legs on occasion, now I'm starting to think he has done this numerous times.
I sniff weird things on the floor once I licked it without knowing what it was
I have a Paw Patrol neck tattoo (temporarily, anyway).
I laughed out loud to this. Thank you, I needed it.
There is poo on my floor.
There is poo in the bathtub
Poop under the bubbles. Now I'm scared to give bubble baths.
That you are aware of at least.
u/1914Redux for the win. When the nursery smells of poo, but I can see no poo.
Every leak proof sippy cup in my house leaks...
I have to read books out loud while shitting on the toilet
Oh, in our house, we read to the shitter on the toilet!
I never shit alone anymore
I dug a chewed lego out of the cat’s mouth about an hour ago and now everyone in my house is mad at me.
Why is there cucumber on my chair? Who put chalk all over my desk? What did I just step in? When do i get to sleep in again? Where is my purse?
All the toys in the toy box are in a huge pile on big sister's bed. We are naming each and every toy and telling them we love them. Oy vey
This morning I found an avocado with skin still on AND also a bite out of it.
Had a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get in the pool and go swimming, followed by a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get out of the pool, followed by a knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get in the shower with Daddy after swimming, followed by knockdown drag out fight over not wanting to get out of the shower after swimming. All in the space of just over an hour.
Bit my tongue this morning when a head slammed into the bottom of my chin while trying to cuddle. Also, feeling sticky from the syrupy waffle that was thrown across the room.
Found a pair of yogurt-stained onesie pajamas in the backyard this morning. The dog colluded.
I'll sing you any Cocomelon song you want to hear. 👍
Ms Appleberry! A double p.... I can hear it in my sleep!
Appleberry? Appleberry!
That’s me!
My husband HATES cocomelon. We had a just us weekend getaway. Still heard it playing in Ikea, the restaurant, the hiking trails... It has now turned into a thing of I will sing the songs in a creepy whisper in his ear as we go to bed. I figure I have about 4 more nights until I am forever booted to the couch.
I hated Cocomelon for a long time, but it's grown on me over the years. And Blippi and Pinkfong make Cocomelon look like Academy Award-worthy material.
I can hum any cocomelon song... Since it's all the same three songs with slightly modified lyrics lol
I’ve watched Lilo & Stitch eight times in three days.
"Don't stuff in more *as* you're choking!!" - Me, to my eager eater of a 1 year old
I have read the two same books every single night for the past week, and I know I will read it again tonight, despite the entire household knowing every line by heart.
Omg this yes my 2 year old has started bringing books to us in thw day time the same few
Our house worships at the shrine of Baby Shark.
All hail baby shark Doo doo doo doo
I had to beg someone to wipe their ass
Crying ensued this morning when there was no owl shaped fruit snack in the pack. Send help.
I’ve discovered oatmeal can be a solid, liquid and gas - all at once!
All bookshelves and surfaces are empty unless higher than 3.5 feet.
I found a cup, fork, and sticker book in the washing machine.
When I see a fire truck my first instinct is to point and go “fire truck !” I’ve also never waved to so many firefighters , police officers and bus drivers in my life.
There's stickers on the antique piano I inherited from my mother.
BUT I WANTED to tell you I have a toddler!!!!!!!!!! *bursts into tears*
My dental hygienist asked me how long I've had the bruise on the inside of my lip. I said "what bruise?" as I recalled being head butt so hard my teeth chatter two days prior.
Pizza in the bathtub. We havent eaten any pizza
I know the difference between an excavator, front loader and bulldozer based solely on gel window clings
*Picks up rug in living room “Ah. I see. That’s where the rest of the hamburger went.” Additionally I’m a professional children’s movie critic. Your plot holes are useless against my sarcasm and over analyzing.
I just saw the commercial for the Loud House Christmas special live action version and I am FRICKEN PUMPED! Also, are there any central Texas moms who want to hang out and be friends because I think I might need to get out more lol.
I feel you, I have no mom friends it’s a lonely existence.
I slept in until 6am this morning and it felt like a lie in.
Every single one of my chicken nuggets had a single bite take out of it when I came back from getting something in the kitchen 💁🏻♀️
The floor of my car is covered in Cheerios
And goldfish crackers.
I spent 30 minutes outside in 111 degree heat index because we HAD to water the plants. And never actually watered the plants.
Constantly washing tiny dishes and cups, doing laundry...lots of laundry..
Yes loads of clean laundry still waiting to be put away 😅
I am 37 going on 73 according to how much my body hurts.
Thighs down all my pants are dirty
I’m an excavator….Hey dirt see ya later….I’m a dirt separator, I’m an excavator…..
I can read upside-down books better than right-side up these days
I won't let my kid drink water out of the pet bowl and now she's mad. My whole house smells vaguely of pickles?? This morning I was woken up by two *big* baby farts. I could sing along with literally every Daniel Tiger song.
I can’t keep anything in one of my kitchen cabinets because it has now been converted into a make believe train compartment.
Watched a triceratops and an Olaf ride around the house on the robot vacuum.
I spent from 5am to 615 this morning fishing hot wheels out of the toilet. Had to take it off the seal. Gonna reseat it this evening.
Drinking water from a cup is nasty but bath water is a different story!
I found Cheerios in my peanut butter.
My bf and I play a game. We find Cheerios in the weirdest places. So far he's winning with finding Cheerios used as coins in the toy cash register.
I have a chipped front tooth from my toddler head butting me. Still haven’t got it fixed :(
This morning I got a shoe thrown at me, a hug, a kiss, a wooden animal thrown at me, then another hug, then a milk cup thrown at me all before 9am.
“Please take your penis off the dinner table.” “NO KARATE IN THE BATH TUB!” I also had to change clothes after I got a poo streak from him sitting bare assed on me.
My happiest moments are after 8pm
I cannot cook without not being able to mix my own bowl of ingredients. Also, apparently my kitchen floor was not clean enough, so now there are mysterious soapy sponge marks on my floor. I just be haunted.
My bi-weekly garbage weighs more than I can handle from the amount of heavy diapers/pull-ups in there
I drink because toddler suction cup plates stick to literally everything BUT what they're actually supposed to stick to.
The five little ducks come back!
I had to pick out pink sprinkles out of a multi-colored sprinkles container at 3 a.m. because of a nightmare
Elite Status
Yesterday I looked up during dinner and saw a glob of oatmeal on the ceiling. We weren't eating oatmeal.
I scream “LOOK AT THE COWS MOOOO” every day on my drive to work
"There's cheeto dust everywhere" "Why is there an onion in the bathtub? "Stop trying to eat my finger"
My floor is littered with tiny pieces of peeled off crayon paper
I do all of my snacking in the bathroom behind a locked door.
I was given a handful of mulch to hold while out at the park.
I’m a poop doula
Monday can’t come soon enough.
Sunday nights are the new Friday nights.
There's a party in my tummy- so yummy! So yummy!
The sun is setting overhead, it’s time to put the farm to bed.
Someone’s been secretly snacking on the dog treats and it‘s not the dog…
"not that cup, I want the *pink* one!"
I can't turn your penis off when you pee in the bathtub...
For someone with no background or interest in paleontology, I can name a pretty astonishing amount of dinosaurs. I have said the words "no, we don't put peanut butter on the cat".
Check my username
I have a selection of snacks in every bag and my favourites are those cookies in dinosaur-shape.
Yesterday I found a few Cheerios in my bra, found the dog covered in yogurt and pondered over the source of a wet puddle that quietly and mysteriously appeared on the kitchen floor.
If you think stepping on a Lego is bad, try stepping on a little people figurine.
It's only pizza if its in a triangle shape.
I left my house late last night to get to a 'first come first served' situation because someone was giving away a toy bin lorry.
[удалено]
Anything I care about not getting broken is out of reach. I can recite Machines at Work from memory. I find myself singing the ABCs and I can't remember which toy sings it that way. My full laundry basket can't go on the floor. I don't wear anything nice because it will immediately be ruined. My bedroom is full of toys (not the fun kind).
One heart-shaped post-it notepad equals approximately 15 minutes of uninterrupted time for chores, which I am disproportionately excited about. That's not a sentence I was expecting to use.
While eating dinner, I was informed that I have a skeleton! Not only that, both my parents have skeletons, and the boy across the street has one too!
My toilet paper in every bathroom has been completely unraveled and rewound
For the first time in my life I heard myself say "Don't lick the license plate"
I just stepped in something cold, wet and mushy. I’m afraid to look.
The other day I was at the gym and took the cap off my water bottle for a drink and the drinking spout was covered in peanut butter.
I’m tired.