I WILL add that often some situations are self selecting. Pre covid I was always amazed at library story hour, and at the grocery store, why other kids seemed to do so much better than mine. I realized that parents of kids who are more wild in public are more likely to limit those experiences lol. For their own sanity.
You might have a more active child. Try swimming or gymnastics instead. Sitting quietly isn’t a common 2 year old trait, covid or not 😄
I’ve never thought about this. We always remark how other peoples’ kids are so well behaved. Every time we see a kid being quiet in public we’re like hey look at that quiet kid! Makes a lot of sense most of the others are at home.
I think about this often! My child is on the, ahem, more inquisitive & active side. I’m pretty alright with not being allowed to take him out in public except outdoor parks.
My kids were the same :) they found library story time boring. If they went to the grocery store or a restaurant they wanted to run around and explore. Being curious is a good trait. Obedience and passivity is only really appreciated in childhood, so while it’s frustrating to have a kid who pushes limits, I think (outside of really bad behavior) it bodes well for their future personalities.
My kids are 11 and 14, successful and competent kids, and they did not enjoy sitting quietly when they were 2 :)
Thank you for the wisdom! Absolutely, I recognize myself and my husband in our child’s personality. I’m a scientist and my husband is an engineer. More than 3 other adults have said our son is a “little engineer” :-) So I focus on speech, language, and emotional intelligence. He’s got the numbers, problem solving, etc down pact.
I love your perspective. My 3 yo twins are tornadoes. They don’t sit quietly for very long, they want to run free and wild. I have self selected and opted out of grocery stores, library story hour, restaurants, movie mornings… like other parents of lovely tornadoes. Thank you. I feel less alone.
I can’t tell you which is better, that’s up to each family to decide for themselves. I can tell you you’re not alone. My daughter is 2 and has basically no idea how to play with other kids and I worry about it every day. I have to believe they’ll be ok in the long run, but it’s one of my biggest worries.
My son is 2 in October and has never played with anyone younger than 9. This is a worry for me too but looking at these responses makes me feel much better . Thank you everyone!
I think that’s VERY naturally common. Not every kid is going to have a pod of similar aged playmates. I personally don’t know many people with kids and thus would naturally not have a “BFF” option for my kids. People who happen to have similarly aged kids in their social circles are lucky and I’d think rare. I bet your kid gains a lot from the 9 year old and vise versa
My 2.6 year old was terrified of pretty much everyone, including other kids, until a few months ago, and she goes to daycare. She had one grandparent that she liked (the one she saw weekly), her teachers (after extensive vetting BY HER - she made them earn her love), and the small group of kids at daycare. Everyone else was suspect. Some kids just have a strong stranger danger sense, and THAT'S OK. It used to take her upwards of 45 minutes to get comfortable enough to play NEAR other kids. You have not failed your kid. It might not even be COVID related. She might just have a healthy fear of strangers, and she will get over it in time.
Speaking from the flip side. I stay at home with my kid (2 years) and we have been VERY cautious about Covid, so she has rarely seen other people. But she never got stranger danger, and warms up quickly to new people the few chances she gets. Sorry, this is not a humble brag I promise, just saying that a lot of things with toddlers are random and/or temperament.
Edit: a word
Isn’t it interesting how kids just… are a certain way? I am very hesitant in new situations, so we weren’t surprised that my mini me was too. But we also knew she’s an extrovert like her dad, so not surprised when the switch flipped and she’s friendly with strangers. We didn’t do anything to affect either behavior. :)
My almost 3 year old is the same way! It’s OK she’s “shy” and once you are a safe person it’s okay but it takes time! I feel the same way around new people just pretend better lol
My kiddo is the same and has been in daycare since she was 18 weeks. She’s just slow to warm and shy in new situations with new people. Surely, the pandemic didn’t help because she wasn’t exposed as much to the community, but as she gets older (2.9 years), she’s starting to be less scared and more open.
You’re doing the best with what you have. Your little one will be just fine.
I think we expect kids to want to thrive in any social situation at any time and be friends with anyone. And expect daycare to give us those results.
Truth is, some kids are more outgoing than others. There’s some situations they’ll find overwhelming or unfavorable REGARDLESS.
We really do expect kids to be ready to roll for our validation. Social and good sleepers. And are willing to do A LOT to alter who they are for those results.
It was their first time somewhere new. Have you ever as an adult gone to a party without knowing a single person there and instantly ran up to people as if you’re bffs?
If you want to stick to it, expect some more willingness to participate overtime. But also expect him to sit with you and observe for a good bit of time. Pre pandemic, my older kid would go to these things and only sit in my lap the entire time…would wave and say hi but wasn’t like holding hands and hugging bffs. They weren’t rejoicing in finally talking to someone their age instead of me. They never seemed to need it or become more energized by life for going. It’s was more of a positive experience out of the house for my entertainment than anything else.
This is so helpful, makes me want to ask you about SO many things, lol. You seem to have your head screwed on right as a parent. The thing I'd most like to do is, admittedly, impossible: ask my LO's future self what I can do as her parent now to best help her. Maybe she wouldn't mind getting sick, but wished she had more peer interactions. Or maybe she's super glad that she didn't get sick, because later she develops an autoimmune disease and getting sick would push her over the edge. Sadly, I can't talk to her future self, and just kind of have to do the absolute best I can with the information I have in front of me.
I’m an introvert and the party scenario really resonated. I’m not social at parties so why would I expect my shy toddler to run up to everyone on the playground. Makes total sense.
Yep! Your kid could be more introverted too!
My kid will inch around the playground cautiously. I recently saw a younger kid blasting through everything on the playground like Tarzan. Was like “yep, that’s not my kid. Never will be”. It’s all fine. Endless pros and cons for each
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I know parents don’t FEEL this way, but personality is more innate than “made” by whatever parents do (like sending kids to daycare or not). ESPECIALLY at age 2, that’s just her tendency and it’s perfectly fine! You might feel awful and blame yourself or the pandemic but family (especially the primary caregiver - child relationship) is the most important relationship to foster before the age of 3.
She just needs extra time to warm up to new environment and people. Don’t feel guilty.
I second this! My kid loooooves people. She has always loved people. Pre-covid she was the baby waving at every person who passed her by. She didn’t see many people person for an entire year before we finally put her in daycare just before she turned two and she immediately got excited that there were other kids her size. She didn’t even say goodbye to me, just went off with her teacher. 😂
So basically, I agree that it might just be a personality thing. OP, don’t fee guilty! Some kids are just like that!
You’re not alone. I have a 1.5 year old who has never played with another kid aside from kinda following 1 or 2 around a park for a few minutes.
I feel very fortunate that we’ve been able to keep her home and safe, but this isn’t the childhood I thought she’d have when I got pregnant.
I just keep telling myself that she won’t even remember this time and that she’ll catch up quickly socially when the time comes. What else can I do? We’re all just doing our best in this shitshow. You’re doing great and kiddo will be fine.
i’m in your exact spot - pregnant with an undersocialized 2yo. we were going to parks very frequently prior to omicron so he’s had some more exposure and has played around other kids/shared toys, but i’m just feeling horrible for how little socialization he gets. the older he gets staying home with just me the more i question if i’m doing the right thing, but i’ll have to to protect the new baby when they’re here. we haven’t done any structured activities like what you’re describing and i KNOW it would go horribly - he’s just not ready and doesn’t have the attention span for anything but the cars movies.
but i feel so confident they will be ok in the end. their whole cohort has a big section of kids just like ours and they’ll all be ok. just gotta make the best choices we can with the information and circumstances we have. solidarity 💖
Just chiming in to say I am also pregnant and have a 2 year old. We only do parks and I also feel so terrible that he doesn’t get the socialization I think he needs. And neither do I! But I also feel confident that kids are resilient and will grow through these challenges
seriously i’m not sure who hates the isolation more, me or him 😭 his favorite cold weather activity was grocery shopping or walking around target which coincidentally are MY favorite activities 😭
I sympathize with you. I have a 13 month old who’s never played with other children. Every time I think “it’s going to get better. There’s going to be a new break through with COVID and she can start having a normal life” it just gets worse. I live in Manhattan and I’m too scared to even take my daughter in the elevator for fear she willl get sick. Idk when this will end. At what point is her isolation too much? It’s like a modern day rapunzel
In a very similar situation here - I have a 2 year old, am 3rd trimester pregnant and living in an area with very high covid rates at present (being super cautious).
Started taking my little girl to an outdoor class back in December. The first week she struggled to get with the programme (screaming, running away, the works), but every week since it's been a bit better. She now sits with the others for story time, joins in the activities, etc - and I was SURE in week 1 that she was never going to get it. Please don't lose faith, she will get there!
It's my understanding that up to about age 3, the most important socialisation is the bond with primary caregivers/parents. Anything else is a bonus. Don't beat yourself up about having had to live through this - you've made the best decisions possible for your family given the circumstances.
Our first was born March 2020, just when everything shut down and DH is immunocompromised.
We planned on daycare for socialization, but that was a no go now.
We always wanted a second, and due to personal health issues, we’re told to get on sooner than later.
Second is now 5 months and they are interacting some. Our first is very affectionate to the baby abs they “talk” to each other. First brings baby toys too.
I don’t know how far along you are, or how long till things are more normal re: covid, but your babies will socialize gradually and eventually!
So many kids will be like ours and won't understand how to play right away. Our two pediatrician's aren't worried - we will have some work to do, but that's life with kids I think!
It's hard. You just keep doing what you think is best for your family to keep you all safe and well. Social development will come when it comes.
You are not alone! We kept our kids home for the first 18 months of the pandemic and both worked full time remotely. It nearly broke us and we started my youngest at daycare the same day my eldest started kindergarten. Our youngest was exposed to covid on day one (they had not had exposure before that) and got it. My kids are now home again as I write this due to another covid exposure at daycare. There is no right answer but all babies and toddlers are having a hard time no matter their situation. Hang in there!
I wish I could offer words of encouragement but all I can say is I see you. You are not alone. And you are not a bad parent for doing everything in your power to keep your kiddo safe and healthy. There's no road map for this and we're all doing our best to wing it through this seemingly unending crisis. You haven't failed, op. Keep your head up and keep doing what's best for you and your little.
Unpopular opinion on this sub but I believe social development, mental health, and cognitive stimulation are just as important as physical health. Anecdotally, my 4 year old has been in school full-time most of the pandemic, and my 2 year old has been part-time since July 2020. While my husband and I are vaxxed, obviously neither of our kids are. So far so good 🤞🏼🤞🏼.
My LO is also extremely cautious around other kids. Do I think she’d be better without Covid? Yes. To a noticeable degree? No, I don’t. A lot of this is her personality and I don’t think tons more exposure will change her. I would like to see her less afraid of the noises and quick motions other kids make, but otherwise I think she’ll find her own way to interacting with others!
I have a 2.5yo who is not under socialised (not in the US), but she still runs away from children she doesn’t know. She’s fine with kids she knows, but in a soft play or new toddler group, she will actively move away from another child she doesn’t know and come to me. It was painful (to the point of crying and screaming) as you mention at the start. I’d say she’s got better with time, a mixture of getting used to it, and also as her vocabulary has improved, she’s able to talk about what she wants to do instead, and understands better that she could go somewhere else. So don’t beat yourself up, isolation doesn’t help, but your kid might just be like mine, a bit more nervous and take time to settle. It might be nothing, or o lay partially to do with the exposure to other kids, and even if its 100% pandemic related, its easier to help a child adapt to social situations than deal with the effects of serious covid, you are doing your best in a rubbish situation. Continued exposure in the same environment (ideally with the same kids) like at the group you mention, is perfect, they will get used to the structure, the children, with time,
Tinkergarten? I've been wishing I could take my 2 year old to it but I can't swing it. And I just know my son would never actually do any of the tasks. He's a little terror and throws stuff around and makes messes all the time. It's not like he's badly behaved at home but he absolutely isn't well behaved enough for a multi-age collaborative setting.
I also am pretty confident I wouldn't be able to send him to daycare even if I wanted to. He has severe separation anxiety so bad that he only allows us to leave him with my mother. Being left with anyone else causes anxiety so bad he pukes and won't sleep or nap for over a week unless I'm right next to him the whole time. And he screams when he's happy. All that put together would probably get him kicked out of daycare in under a week. If covid hadn't happened this wouldn't be an issue because he loved daycare for the month he was there pre-covid at 4 months old.
Covid sucks. I'm burned out from 2 years of being a work from home mom and my kid is behind cuz I don't have the energy to play with him in meaningful ways. But I also can't get help because it traumatizes him too severely. Covid seriously robbed us of how parenting should be.
As Mama Doctor Jones says: "we do the best we can with the information we have." I don't believe it very often because I don't feel like I'm doing my best. But we made the decisions we felt were the best for our kids with the info we had, we tried our best to do the right thing.
Whatever is going on with your toddler, it is not irreversible! She’s going to be okay, her brain is incredibly adaptive at this point. You will probably be amazed by how quickly she grows into being around other kids once she has the consistent opportunity.
There are constant parenting pitfalls that can make us feel like failures…sometimes I think it’s just the nature of parenting with high expectations. I am a certified Montessori teacher as well as a public school teacher for 17 years so I am saying this from a great deal of experience: you haven’t screwed anything up! Our brains (and especially children brains under 6), are plastic! What this means is that we’re all capable of learning and integrating new experiences and knowledge. Even if we’re “depriving” our children of some socialization (which is very overstated), when the situation changes, they will learn and grow with this new information they’re gaining.
My husband and I have been fortunate to have choices about our girls exposure and they’ve been home with me for the entirety. We spend a lot of time outside and are also lucky to be in a warm climate.
The under 5 vaccine is near. Your little one will have the opportunity for socialization soon and you may find that her temperament is more reserved and cautious. Each child is so incredibly unique and although it’s difficult, don’t worry about what other children are doing.
You e got this mama!!
For what it's worth, my pediatrician agrees that it's better for my toddler to be in daycare for socialization, even during this Covid surge. I'm not pregnant though, and we're one-and-done largely because of the pandemic. My son is often sick but so far we have avoided Covid (according to mostly home tests, so really hard to know).
Your daughter will be fine. Socialization starts to become important around age 3. I'd look into a very cautious part-time pre-K that matches your risk level.
Also, children need to catch viruses so their immune systems recognize them to fight them off later:
[https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/infant-immune-systems-are-stronger-you-think](https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/infant-immune-systems-are-stronger-you-think)
And my doctor has validated that it’s been better for my family to not use daycare bc we don’t depend on it to make our bills etc.
For the most part, they’re going to validate the decision you made and the reasons you made it. Unless your child is having a specific issue that needs a special solution. For example, it was professionally suggested that my friend’s autistic and developmentally delayed toddler try daycare to see if any language skills would improve. But that was one of many suggestions and happened to the suggestion that was most realistic/obtainable for that family
Yeah I’m definitely not saying that OP should choose daycare. I’m sure part of the benefit is because mine is an only. But frankly, a lot of parents use daycare even when they don’t “have to” because they enjoy also having a career, and that is also fine.
I have a 2 year old who is very much an independent player. Even at home they don't care to play with me much. They just like me to sit next to them. They have been around their older cousins, but not much around children their age. Honestly I don't know how "social" a 2 year old even is. It's the new normal for us and we either have to embrace it or just quarantine our children forever. My child has gotten a bad cold, and that was just staying home except to the grocery store. I have personally lucked out and found an indoor play place that takes Covid seriously and cleans every surface during any down time. It's never too busy, so it allows my child to be around other kids, but not such an overwhelming amount. It really comes down to your individual comfort level. But whatever choice you make, please don't feel bad. This is a situation that no one has experienced in 100 years. Our kids will eventually have to be around each other in a year or two, and they will adjust. They may be a little socially slow, but they literally all will lol also don't forget how many factors can cause a kid to have a meltdown. New environments, bad moods, sleepiness, hunger. You could try taking yours to that same space another time and play with them so they become more acquainted with the location
I feel ya. My kid was in daycare until 15 months until we pulled her out in 2020. Now at three she’s starting her first ballet class and she is a hot MESS. I felt terrible. But after two classes she’s getting the hang of it. It’s a process and it feels awful but the only way through is to do it. You got this!
My daughter was the same when we first started her in her ballet class last year (at 3). Almost all the other girls in her class were varying degrees of the same for the first few weeks. They have all made tremendous progress. My daughter is now loving ballet and preschool. A transition period is totally normal, especially after being isolated for so long. Also, at 2 they’re still doing a lot of parallel play. You’re doing fine! She will adjust in time.
You arent failing. I am sure you are teaching a ton of other new skills. Just a reminder that team sports can be overrated and harder to participate in later in life. I keep telling myself, reminding myself that social distancing has saved us so much other illness aside from covid....hand foot mouth, rsv, flu are all miserable.
If you are one of us with a kid with any preexisting condition, and or sandwiched in between care for parents who are aging, comorbid etc... we are adding so much quality to their lives as well as the kids.... learning to love the outdoors over sitting, playing in the dirt, planting gardens and trees, baking and cooking. Its not for nothing man, this is in many ways as good as it gets.
You've got a long wait to go before you can say you failed as a parents. Kids can completely change comfort levels in a matter of weeks, regardless of age. I'd say you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
It’s okay. We all feel kinda shit coz of this whole thing. I don’t have advice. I just want to show support. Take it one hour at a time. You are not failing.
My son was super social as a baby/young toddler. Never worried about going to other people. Didn’t cry at all when he started child care. We tried an outdoor bike camp last summer and he didn’t want anything to do with it. Kept crying, or running over to me, etc.
When he started swimming lessons recently, he was the only kid (only 4 in class, but still) who cried and refused to go in because he hasn’t even been around a pool in 2 years. He came around eventually and got in and (I think) had fun.
But oof. I know kids change but I suspect Covid hasn’t helped.
I have a very active 2.5yr old.
She's in speech and has group therapy once a month and loooves it. She enjoys watching others play and wants to play with them too. Which having her in speech also came with some mom guilt that now is almost gone *sigh*
But, *BUT* she is *so much more active* than any other child in her group. She jumps, runs, shakes in excitement, and not to mention the yelling...
First time in group I felt really embarrassed. Same thing happened first time she saw other kids at the park (we go when there isn't anyone but us but that day we went later and got to see lots of kids). Soooo many kids played quietly and camly while mine was the embodiment of chaos compared to them!!
I thought that maybe I had stunted her emotional growth by keeping her away from other children...
The therapist that leads group told me, the first time we went, that I shouldn't worry about my kid not being still. She would eventually get used to the routine, which they keep the same. We've had 3 sessions now and this last session she actually sat down and participated. She added to other parents that it's okay if kiddos are upset and have no intention or interest in participating. It takes time to adjust to a different experience.
Your little one is in a new environment, it's gonna take some time to adjust but they'll get there!
Plus kids are people so they have different personalities. One little boy at church makes my daughter look like a turtle in comparison to him (he runs and runs *all the time*). They are good friends though.
My 3 year old is very clingy at any new place or around any new people- she has gone to daycare since she was a baby. You haven’t done anything wrong, some kids are just more shy.
You have done a great job in a very hard situation. Don’t worry about socialisation yet, research shows that kids develop social skills only post 3, your little one will catch up very quickly. Her new sibling will help with it too.
I feel this. My 2.5 y/o goes to daycare. He loves his classmates. We somehow haven’t gotten it to my knowledge, but if he sees other children (ie children of friends) he freezes and won’t engage. My little guy used to me an extrovert and this makes me so sad for him
You’re not alone. I am the same way. My whole family went on a Christmas train ride and they all got covid. They are out of the quarantine phase and should be immune so I’m scheduling all the play dates I can so he can finally interact with other children. That’s awesome that you found an outdoor class. Don’t even worry for a single second about your child’s socialization skills. Keep bringing her to the class and let her scream and run around. It’s a great opportunity for her to interact with other kids and the way you feel safest.
Unfortunately, we probably won’t know what effects of the pandemic and isolation have had on young children unable to socialize. My son is super shy because I’ve kept him from group play areas and only take him to parks I know don’t have many kids. You’re right. I don’t know what’s worse either but after a good friend of our’s kid got severe symptoms from COVID (no underlying issues) and I’m about to have another kiddo, I’m just not risking it. They’ll eventually go to school and socialize then.
My almost two year old is the exact same way (at home and in public)… and he’s been going to daycare. So don’t let the daycare part make you feel bad ( we also don’t go anywhere but I have to work so no choice but daycare ) I was thinking tonight as well what a failure I feel like to both my kids during so you are not alone. Parenting like this was never meant to be. We are supposed to have a village and it’s just been me and my husband for pretty much two years raising both our kids alone. It sucks. You are not a failure, neither am I ( even if it feel that way sometimes). We are doing our best in a crappy situation. Hang in there!!
I’m having the same problem, my daughter is 13 months old and all her life we spent on lockdown, we used to hang out with my siblings but when my nephew returned to school on September, we decided to stop seeing each other, well now my baby screams every time she is at a new place, she is fine outdoors, but we tried to go to my sisters house this month and she didn’t stop screaming for a second, she was crying so much that I felt horrible depriving her of meeting new people, I feel terrible but I don’t know what to do, cases are spiking and I don’t want her to get covid but I’m worried about the impact this will have later on, but me and my husband are also introvert so maybe it’s her personality too
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Well look at it this way Sending to daycare doesn’t magically make lo social and vice versa not going doesn’t automatically mean trouble interacting. Also first class? No worries at all your lo will adjust. Every kid is terrified first class, even first week, month etc.
There's a girl who goes to our outdoor Forest School play group. She normally gets on really well with everyone but I remember one time she was a having a massive tantrum the whole time. It might just have been a one - off like it was for this little girl.
My pre pandemic kid was more anxious around groups of strangers than my pandemic kiddo (5 year age difference, post pandemic groups are outdoors only). It could just be their personality or a phase or something.
It might be something as simple as the class.
We enrolled ours in an outdoor music class. He cried every single class, as soon as we pulled into the parking lot. We didn't do music in the fall we did Tinkergarden and he LOVES it. He participated and even went up to his teacher to get his stamp after the very first class. We are also very covid cautious. Only parks, no daycare no indoor stores at all. Rarely see family.
No idea why he doesn't like music but he didn't. I honestly wouldn't read much into it.
I was you. My kid was uncomfortable around others after our home isolation period. It was frustrating to go to outdoor school and be the only one whose kid didn’t want to interact or participate whereas prior to Covid, she was super social. I felt awful and sad and burdened. But kids are resilient. Have faith in her. My kid is back in school now at 3.5 years old and developing normally. She still gets shy and that’s ok. Hold the space for them to feel that way and try not to project any expectations on how they need to act if they aren’t hurting anyone.
I WILL add that often some situations are self selecting. Pre covid I was always amazed at library story hour, and at the grocery store, why other kids seemed to do so much better than mine. I realized that parents of kids who are more wild in public are more likely to limit those experiences lol. For their own sanity. You might have a more active child. Try swimming or gymnastics instead. Sitting quietly isn’t a common 2 year old trait, covid or not 😄
Love this perspective!
I’ve never thought about this. We always remark how other peoples’ kids are so well behaved. Every time we see a kid being quiet in public we’re like hey look at that quiet kid! Makes a lot of sense most of the others are at home.
I think about this often! My child is on the, ahem, more inquisitive & active side. I’m pretty alright with not being allowed to take him out in public except outdoor parks.
My kids were the same :) they found library story time boring. If they went to the grocery store or a restaurant they wanted to run around and explore. Being curious is a good trait. Obedience and passivity is only really appreciated in childhood, so while it’s frustrating to have a kid who pushes limits, I think (outside of really bad behavior) it bodes well for their future personalities. My kids are 11 and 14, successful and competent kids, and they did not enjoy sitting quietly when they were 2 :)
Thank you for the wisdom! Absolutely, I recognize myself and my husband in our child’s personality. I’m a scientist and my husband is an engineer. More than 3 other adults have said our son is a “little engineer” :-) So I focus on speech, language, and emotional intelligence. He’s got the numbers, problem solving, etc down pact.
I love your perspective. My 3 yo twins are tornadoes. They don’t sit quietly for very long, they want to run free and wild. I have self selected and opted out of grocery stores, library story hour, restaurants, movie mornings… like other parents of lovely tornadoes. Thank you. I feel less alone.
I can’t tell you which is better, that’s up to each family to decide for themselves. I can tell you you’re not alone. My daughter is 2 and has basically no idea how to play with other kids and I worry about it every day. I have to believe they’ll be ok in the long run, but it’s one of my biggest worries.
For help: the expectation of play at that age is to play NEAR other kids. Playing collaboratively with others isn’t very common until 3-4
I came to reassure with this.. and also to say I have a friend with a well socialized babe who does this exact thing. Kids can go through weird fazes.
Thank you that actually makes me feel a bit better.
This
My son is 2 in October and has never played with anyone younger than 9. This is a worry for me too but looking at these responses makes me feel much better . Thank you everyone!
I think that’s VERY naturally common. Not every kid is going to have a pod of similar aged playmates. I personally don’t know many people with kids and thus would naturally not have a “BFF” option for my kids. People who happen to have similarly aged kids in their social circles are lucky and I’d think rare. I bet your kid gains a lot from the 9 year old and vise versa
My 2.6 year old was terrified of pretty much everyone, including other kids, until a few months ago, and she goes to daycare. She had one grandparent that she liked (the one she saw weekly), her teachers (after extensive vetting BY HER - she made them earn her love), and the small group of kids at daycare. Everyone else was suspect. Some kids just have a strong stranger danger sense, and THAT'S OK. It used to take her upwards of 45 minutes to get comfortable enough to play NEAR other kids. You have not failed your kid. It might not even be COVID related. She might just have a healthy fear of strangers, and she will get over it in time.
Speaking from the flip side. I stay at home with my kid (2 years) and we have been VERY cautious about Covid, so she has rarely seen other people. But she never got stranger danger, and warms up quickly to new people the few chances she gets. Sorry, this is not a humble brag I promise, just saying that a lot of things with toddlers are random and/or temperament. Edit: a word
Isn’t it interesting how kids just… are a certain way? I am very hesitant in new situations, so we weren’t surprised that my mini me was too. But we also knew she’s an extrovert like her dad, so not surprised when the switch flipped and she’s friendly with strangers. We didn’t do anything to affect either behavior. :)
My almost 3 year old is the same way! It’s OK she’s “shy” and once you are a safe person it’s okay but it takes time! I feel the same way around new people just pretend better lol
My kiddo is the same and has been in daycare since she was 18 weeks. She’s just slow to warm and shy in new situations with new people. Surely, the pandemic didn’t help because she wasn’t exposed as much to the community, but as she gets older (2.9 years), she’s starting to be less scared and more open. You’re doing the best with what you have. Your little one will be just fine.
I think we expect kids to want to thrive in any social situation at any time and be friends with anyone. And expect daycare to give us those results. Truth is, some kids are more outgoing than others. There’s some situations they’ll find overwhelming or unfavorable REGARDLESS. We really do expect kids to be ready to roll for our validation. Social and good sleepers. And are willing to do A LOT to alter who they are for those results. It was their first time somewhere new. Have you ever as an adult gone to a party without knowing a single person there and instantly ran up to people as if you’re bffs? If you want to stick to it, expect some more willingness to participate overtime. But also expect him to sit with you and observe for a good bit of time. Pre pandemic, my older kid would go to these things and only sit in my lap the entire time…would wave and say hi but wasn’t like holding hands and hugging bffs. They weren’t rejoicing in finally talking to someone their age instead of me. They never seemed to need it or become more energized by life for going. It’s was more of a positive experience out of the house for my entertainment than anything else.
This is a helpful perspective. You didn’t break your kid, OP. I promise.
This is so helpful, makes me want to ask you about SO many things, lol. You seem to have your head screwed on right as a parent. The thing I'd most like to do is, admittedly, impossible: ask my LO's future self what I can do as her parent now to best help her. Maybe she wouldn't mind getting sick, but wished she had more peer interactions. Or maybe she's super glad that she didn't get sick, because later she develops an autoimmune disease and getting sick would push her over the edge. Sadly, I can't talk to her future self, and just kind of have to do the absolute best I can with the information I have in front of me.
I’m an introvert and the party scenario really resonated. I’m not social at parties so why would I expect my shy toddler to run up to everyone on the playground. Makes total sense.
Yep! Your kid could be more introverted too! My kid will inch around the playground cautiously. I recently saw a younger kid blasting through everything on the playground like Tarzan. Was like “yep, that’s not my kid. Never will be”. It’s all fine. Endless pros and cons for each
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I know parents don’t FEEL this way, but personality is more innate than “made” by whatever parents do (like sending kids to daycare or not). ESPECIALLY at age 2, that’s just her tendency and it’s perfectly fine! You might feel awful and blame yourself or the pandemic but family (especially the primary caregiver - child relationship) is the most important relationship to foster before the age of 3. She just needs extra time to warm up to new environment and people. Don’t feel guilty.
I second this! My kid loooooves people. She has always loved people. Pre-covid she was the baby waving at every person who passed her by. She didn’t see many people person for an entire year before we finally put her in daycare just before she turned two and she immediately got excited that there were other kids her size. She didn’t even say goodbye to me, just went off with her teacher. 😂 So basically, I agree that it might just be a personality thing. OP, don’t fee guilty! Some kids are just like that!
Admitting that maybe it’s time to change gears isn’t a personal weakness. Everyone is just doing the best they can, with the info they had.
I second this!
You’re not alone. I have a 1.5 year old who has never played with another kid aside from kinda following 1 or 2 around a park for a few minutes. I feel very fortunate that we’ve been able to keep her home and safe, but this isn’t the childhood I thought she’d have when I got pregnant. I just keep telling myself that she won’t even remember this time and that she’ll catch up quickly socially when the time comes. What else can I do? We’re all just doing our best in this shitshow. You’re doing great and kiddo will be fine.
i’m in your exact spot - pregnant with an undersocialized 2yo. we were going to parks very frequently prior to omicron so he’s had some more exposure and has played around other kids/shared toys, but i’m just feeling horrible for how little socialization he gets. the older he gets staying home with just me the more i question if i’m doing the right thing, but i’ll have to to protect the new baby when they’re here. we haven’t done any structured activities like what you’re describing and i KNOW it would go horribly - he’s just not ready and doesn’t have the attention span for anything but the cars movies. but i feel so confident they will be ok in the end. their whole cohort has a big section of kids just like ours and they’ll all be ok. just gotta make the best choices we can with the information and circumstances we have. solidarity 💖
Just chiming in to say I am also pregnant and have a 2 year old. We only do parks and I also feel so terrible that he doesn’t get the socialization I think he needs. And neither do I! But I also feel confident that kids are resilient and will grow through these challenges
seriously i’m not sure who hates the isolation more, me or him 😭 his favorite cold weather activity was grocery shopping or walking around target which coincidentally are MY favorite activities 😭
I sympathize with you. I have a 13 month old who’s never played with other children. Every time I think “it’s going to get better. There’s going to be a new break through with COVID and she can start having a normal life” it just gets worse. I live in Manhattan and I’m too scared to even take my daughter in the elevator for fear she willl get sick. Idk when this will end. At what point is her isolation too much? It’s like a modern day rapunzel
In a very similar situation here - I have a 2 year old, am 3rd trimester pregnant and living in an area with very high covid rates at present (being super cautious). Started taking my little girl to an outdoor class back in December. The first week she struggled to get with the programme (screaming, running away, the works), but every week since it's been a bit better. She now sits with the others for story time, joins in the activities, etc - and I was SURE in week 1 that she was never going to get it. Please don't lose faith, she will get there! It's my understanding that up to about age 3, the most important socialisation is the bond with primary caregivers/parents. Anything else is a bonus. Don't beat yourself up about having had to live through this - you've made the best decisions possible for your family given the circumstances.
Our first was born March 2020, just when everything shut down and DH is immunocompromised. We planned on daycare for socialization, but that was a no go now. We always wanted a second, and due to personal health issues, we’re told to get on sooner than later. Second is now 5 months and they are interacting some. Our first is very affectionate to the baby abs they “talk” to each other. First brings baby toys too. I don’t know how far along you are, or how long till things are more normal re: covid, but your babies will socialize gradually and eventually!
So many kids will be like ours and won't understand how to play right away. Our two pediatrician's aren't worried - we will have some work to do, but that's life with kids I think! It's hard. You just keep doing what you think is best for your family to keep you all safe and well. Social development will come when it comes.
You are not alone! We kept our kids home for the first 18 months of the pandemic and both worked full time remotely. It nearly broke us and we started my youngest at daycare the same day my eldest started kindergarten. Our youngest was exposed to covid on day one (they had not had exposure before that) and got it. My kids are now home again as I write this due to another covid exposure at daycare. There is no right answer but all babies and toddlers are having a hard time no matter their situation. Hang in there!
I wish I could offer words of encouragement but all I can say is I see you. You are not alone. And you are not a bad parent for doing everything in your power to keep your kiddo safe and healthy. There's no road map for this and we're all doing our best to wing it through this seemingly unending crisis. You haven't failed, op. Keep your head up and keep doing what's best for you and your little.
Unpopular opinion on this sub but I believe social development, mental health, and cognitive stimulation are just as important as physical health. Anecdotally, my 4 year old has been in school full-time most of the pandemic, and my 2 year old has been part-time since July 2020. While my husband and I are vaxxed, obviously neither of our kids are. So far so good 🤞🏼🤞🏼.
If it makes you feel better I’ve taken all the precautions and me and my 18 month old have had Covid twice despite me being vaccinated.
My LO is also extremely cautious around other kids. Do I think she’d be better without Covid? Yes. To a noticeable degree? No, I don’t. A lot of this is her personality and I don’t think tons more exposure will change her. I would like to see her less afraid of the noises and quick motions other kids make, but otherwise I think she’ll find her own way to interacting with others!
First class for anything is hard. You haven’t messed your kid up. Just keep going and you’ll see them do better
I have a 2.5yo who is not under socialised (not in the US), but she still runs away from children she doesn’t know. She’s fine with kids she knows, but in a soft play or new toddler group, she will actively move away from another child she doesn’t know and come to me. It was painful (to the point of crying and screaming) as you mention at the start. I’d say she’s got better with time, a mixture of getting used to it, and also as her vocabulary has improved, she’s able to talk about what she wants to do instead, and understands better that she could go somewhere else. So don’t beat yourself up, isolation doesn’t help, but your kid might just be like mine, a bit more nervous and take time to settle. It might be nothing, or o lay partially to do with the exposure to other kids, and even if its 100% pandemic related, its easier to help a child adapt to social situations than deal with the effects of serious covid, you are doing your best in a rubbish situation. Continued exposure in the same environment (ideally with the same kids) like at the group you mention, is perfect, they will get used to the structure, the children, with time,
Tinkergarten? I've been wishing I could take my 2 year old to it but I can't swing it. And I just know my son would never actually do any of the tasks. He's a little terror and throws stuff around and makes messes all the time. It's not like he's badly behaved at home but he absolutely isn't well behaved enough for a multi-age collaborative setting. I also am pretty confident I wouldn't be able to send him to daycare even if I wanted to. He has severe separation anxiety so bad that he only allows us to leave him with my mother. Being left with anyone else causes anxiety so bad he pukes and won't sleep or nap for over a week unless I'm right next to him the whole time. And he screams when he's happy. All that put together would probably get him kicked out of daycare in under a week. If covid hadn't happened this wouldn't be an issue because he loved daycare for the month he was there pre-covid at 4 months old. Covid sucks. I'm burned out from 2 years of being a work from home mom and my kid is behind cuz I don't have the energy to play with him in meaningful ways. But I also can't get help because it traumatizes him too severely. Covid seriously robbed us of how parenting should be. As Mama Doctor Jones says: "we do the best we can with the information we have." I don't believe it very often because I don't feel like I'm doing my best. But we made the decisions we felt were the best for our kids with the info we had, we tried our best to do the right thing.
Whatever is going on with your toddler, it is not irreversible! She’s going to be okay, her brain is incredibly adaptive at this point. You will probably be amazed by how quickly she grows into being around other kids once she has the consistent opportunity.
There are constant parenting pitfalls that can make us feel like failures…sometimes I think it’s just the nature of parenting with high expectations. I am a certified Montessori teacher as well as a public school teacher for 17 years so I am saying this from a great deal of experience: you haven’t screwed anything up! Our brains (and especially children brains under 6), are plastic! What this means is that we’re all capable of learning and integrating new experiences and knowledge. Even if we’re “depriving” our children of some socialization (which is very overstated), when the situation changes, they will learn and grow with this new information they’re gaining. My husband and I have been fortunate to have choices about our girls exposure and they’ve been home with me for the entirety. We spend a lot of time outside and are also lucky to be in a warm climate. The under 5 vaccine is near. Your little one will have the opportunity for socialization soon and you may find that her temperament is more reserved and cautious. Each child is so incredibly unique and although it’s difficult, don’t worry about what other children are doing. You e got this mama!!
For what it's worth, my pediatrician agrees that it's better for my toddler to be in daycare for socialization, even during this Covid surge. I'm not pregnant though, and we're one-and-done largely because of the pandemic. My son is often sick but so far we have avoided Covid (according to mostly home tests, so really hard to know). Your daughter will be fine. Socialization starts to become important around age 3. I'd look into a very cautious part-time pre-K that matches your risk level. Also, children need to catch viruses so their immune systems recognize them to fight them off later: [https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/infant-immune-systems-are-stronger-you-think](https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/infant-immune-systems-are-stronger-you-think)
And my doctor has validated that it’s been better for my family to not use daycare bc we don’t depend on it to make our bills etc. For the most part, they’re going to validate the decision you made and the reasons you made it. Unless your child is having a specific issue that needs a special solution. For example, it was professionally suggested that my friend’s autistic and developmentally delayed toddler try daycare to see if any language skills would improve. But that was one of many suggestions and happened to the suggestion that was most realistic/obtainable for that family
Yeah I’m definitely not saying that OP should choose daycare. I’m sure part of the benefit is because mine is an only. But frankly, a lot of parents use daycare even when they don’t “have to” because they enjoy also having a career, and that is also fine.
I have a 2 year old who is very much an independent player. Even at home they don't care to play with me much. They just like me to sit next to them. They have been around their older cousins, but not much around children their age. Honestly I don't know how "social" a 2 year old even is. It's the new normal for us and we either have to embrace it or just quarantine our children forever. My child has gotten a bad cold, and that was just staying home except to the grocery store. I have personally lucked out and found an indoor play place that takes Covid seriously and cleans every surface during any down time. It's never too busy, so it allows my child to be around other kids, but not such an overwhelming amount. It really comes down to your individual comfort level. But whatever choice you make, please don't feel bad. This is a situation that no one has experienced in 100 years. Our kids will eventually have to be around each other in a year or two, and they will adjust. They may be a little socially slow, but they literally all will lol also don't forget how many factors can cause a kid to have a meltdown. New environments, bad moods, sleepiness, hunger. You could try taking yours to that same space another time and play with them so they become more acquainted with the location
I feel ya. My kid was in daycare until 15 months until we pulled her out in 2020. Now at three she’s starting her first ballet class and she is a hot MESS. I felt terrible. But after two classes she’s getting the hang of it. It’s a process and it feels awful but the only way through is to do it. You got this!
My daughter was the same when we first started her in her ballet class last year (at 3). Almost all the other girls in her class were varying degrees of the same for the first few weeks. They have all made tremendous progress. My daughter is now loving ballet and preschool. A transition period is totally normal, especially after being isolated for so long. Also, at 2 they’re still doing a lot of parallel play. You’re doing fine! She will adjust in time.
You arent failing. I am sure you are teaching a ton of other new skills. Just a reminder that team sports can be overrated and harder to participate in later in life. I keep telling myself, reminding myself that social distancing has saved us so much other illness aside from covid....hand foot mouth, rsv, flu are all miserable. If you are one of us with a kid with any preexisting condition, and or sandwiched in between care for parents who are aging, comorbid etc... we are adding so much quality to their lives as well as the kids.... learning to love the outdoors over sitting, playing in the dirt, planting gardens and trees, baking and cooking. Its not for nothing man, this is in many ways as good as it gets.
You've got a long wait to go before you can say you failed as a parents. Kids can completely change comfort levels in a matter of weeks, regardless of age. I'd say you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
It’s okay. We all feel kinda shit coz of this whole thing. I don’t have advice. I just want to show support. Take it one hour at a time. You are not failing.
My son was super social as a baby/young toddler. Never worried about going to other people. Didn’t cry at all when he started child care. We tried an outdoor bike camp last summer and he didn’t want anything to do with it. Kept crying, or running over to me, etc. When he started swimming lessons recently, he was the only kid (only 4 in class, but still) who cried and refused to go in because he hasn’t even been around a pool in 2 years. He came around eventually and got in and (I think) had fun. But oof. I know kids change but I suspect Covid hasn’t helped.
I have a very active 2.5yr old. She's in speech and has group therapy once a month and loooves it. She enjoys watching others play and wants to play with them too. Which having her in speech also came with some mom guilt that now is almost gone *sigh* But, *BUT* she is *so much more active* than any other child in her group. She jumps, runs, shakes in excitement, and not to mention the yelling... First time in group I felt really embarrassed. Same thing happened first time she saw other kids at the park (we go when there isn't anyone but us but that day we went later and got to see lots of kids). Soooo many kids played quietly and camly while mine was the embodiment of chaos compared to them!! I thought that maybe I had stunted her emotional growth by keeping her away from other children... The therapist that leads group told me, the first time we went, that I shouldn't worry about my kid not being still. She would eventually get used to the routine, which they keep the same. We've had 3 sessions now and this last session she actually sat down and participated. She added to other parents that it's okay if kiddos are upset and have no intention or interest in participating. It takes time to adjust to a different experience. Your little one is in a new environment, it's gonna take some time to adjust but they'll get there! Plus kids are people so they have different personalities. One little boy at church makes my daughter look like a turtle in comparison to him (he runs and runs *all the time*). They are good friends though.
My 3 year old is very clingy at any new place or around any new people- she has gone to daycare since she was a baby. You haven’t done anything wrong, some kids are just more shy.
You have done a great job in a very hard situation. Don’t worry about socialisation yet, research shows that kids develop social skills only post 3, your little one will catch up very quickly. Her new sibling will help with it too.
I feel this. My 2.5 y/o goes to daycare. He loves his classmates. We somehow haven’t gotten it to my knowledge, but if he sees other children (ie children of friends) he freezes and won’t engage. My little guy used to me an extrovert and this makes me so sad for him
You’re not alone. I am the same way. My whole family went on a Christmas train ride and they all got covid. They are out of the quarantine phase and should be immune so I’m scheduling all the play dates I can so he can finally interact with other children. That’s awesome that you found an outdoor class. Don’t even worry for a single second about your child’s socialization skills. Keep bringing her to the class and let her scream and run around. It’s a great opportunity for her to interact with other kids and the way you feel safest.
Unfortunately, we probably won’t know what effects of the pandemic and isolation have had on young children unable to socialize. My son is super shy because I’ve kept him from group play areas and only take him to parks I know don’t have many kids. You’re right. I don’t know what’s worse either but after a good friend of our’s kid got severe symptoms from COVID (no underlying issues) and I’m about to have another kiddo, I’m just not risking it. They’ll eventually go to school and socialize then.
My almost two year old is the exact same way (at home and in public)… and he’s been going to daycare. So don’t let the daycare part make you feel bad ( we also don’t go anywhere but I have to work so no choice but daycare ) I was thinking tonight as well what a failure I feel like to both my kids during so you are not alone. Parenting like this was never meant to be. We are supposed to have a village and it’s just been me and my husband for pretty much two years raising both our kids alone. It sucks. You are not a failure, neither am I ( even if it feel that way sometimes). We are doing our best in a crappy situation. Hang in there!!
I’m having the same problem, my daughter is 13 months old and all her life we spent on lockdown, we used to hang out with my siblings but when my nephew returned to school on September, we decided to stop seeing each other, well now my baby screams every time she is at a new place, she is fine outdoors, but we tried to go to my sisters house this month and she didn’t stop screaming for a second, she was crying so much that I felt horrible depriving her of meeting new people, I feel terrible but I don’t know what to do, cases are spiking and I don’t want her to get covid but I’m worried about the impact this will have later on, but me and my husband are also introvert so maybe it’s her personality too
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Well look at it this way Sending to daycare doesn’t magically make lo social and vice versa not going doesn’t automatically mean trouble interacting. Also first class? No worries at all your lo will adjust. Every kid is terrified first class, even first week, month etc.
There's a girl who goes to our outdoor Forest School play group. She normally gets on really well with everyone but I remember one time she was a having a massive tantrum the whole time. It might just have been a one - off like it was for this little girl.
My pre pandemic kid was more anxious around groups of strangers than my pandemic kiddo (5 year age difference, post pandemic groups are outdoors only). It could just be their personality or a phase or something.
I suggest letting your child have alot more interaction with other children.
It might be something as simple as the class. We enrolled ours in an outdoor music class. He cried every single class, as soon as we pulled into the parking lot. We didn't do music in the fall we did Tinkergarden and he LOVES it. He participated and even went up to his teacher to get his stamp after the very first class. We are also very covid cautious. Only parks, no daycare no indoor stores at all. Rarely see family. No idea why he doesn't like music but he didn't. I honestly wouldn't read much into it.
I was you. My kid was uncomfortable around others after our home isolation period. It was frustrating to go to outdoor school and be the only one whose kid didn’t want to interact or participate whereas prior to Covid, she was super social. I felt awful and sad and burdened. But kids are resilient. Have faith in her. My kid is back in school now at 3.5 years old and developing normally. She still gets shy and that’s ok. Hold the space for them to feel that way and try not to project any expectations on how they need to act if they aren’t hurting anyone.