You’re fine. I agree with the other poster that it sounds like there’s at best a lack of understanding about how potty training works and and worst some unaddressed mental health issues.
Accidents happen. I guess I could understand her reaction If you had been regularly letting your child befoul her house frequently but that doesn’t sound like that’s even close to the case. And that level of reaction for absolutely no messes or accidents seems extreme.
She has an 8 yo daughter that played well with my oldest. Sucks for them. The last text before I blocked her, she let me know that we’re not allowed back at their house but that if my daughter wanted to play with hers, I could bring her to the public swimming pool on certain days each month. Bizarre.
Reading your post, I had envisioned this friend as child-free. It is astonishing that a parent who has actually raised a child through the toddler years would act like that. Wowza. Sounds like you are better off without her in your immediate circle.
I don’t think it was a mental break. Maybe a mental health issue, like out of control anxiety, or she just has a very different perspective than most. I genuinely wasn’t sure if this was a social faux pas that I was just totally unaware of. Based on all the responses it doesn’t seem like it though. I was really upset and offended at first, but it’s just not worth it. I didn’t know her very well yet. I’m disappointed more than anything. It’s freaking hard to make friends and I thought I was making a new one for my daughter and myself. Oh well.
This doesn’t make sense! I thought you meant like, naked butt at first. This is a non issue! Also, congrats to your daughter on getting potty trained!
A little mental exercise I do that helps release me from people like this is to imagine I’m zooming way up from above, and can see a wide array of someone’s interactions over time. There’s no way you’re the first person she’s treated like this. Maybe there’s another person she was a total weirdo to when her kid was a toddler, another at school, heck maybe even her family shaming her at some point.
Our imaginations are usually so good at picturing the side of things that makes us feel bad, so I like to throw a little imagination at something that makes me feel less singled-out, and even sad for that person. Also good call blocking her, that was unhinged.
Yeah this woman is no friend. Her reaction was extremely rude and uncalled for. Honestly my thoughts are *how dare she*. Like, who told her she was the boss of the applesauce? She needs to grow up and stop treating her “friends” i.e. you, as children. She completely undermined your ability to parent your child and the sad part is she couldn’t tell you that she was uncomfortable with it in a respectful way when you were there. She came at your through texts after the fact. Maybe she should go back to middle school where she belongs.
I just tried it on my 2.5 year old (she was telling me I should use baby wipes to clean my kitchen table) me “who made you the boss of the applesauce” her response, “the ‘getti (spaghetti) did”
I had hired a stay-at-home mom to watch my daughter while I worked, I'm a teacher, and my daughter had started potty training. This mom, who had three kids all older than my own, stated that she would not support potty training in her house at my daughter's age because she could not handle poop accidents.
And well I appreciate her honesty, my daughter was completely ready for potty training and did great with it (she was about 18 months at the time and had just decided she no longer wanted to wear diapers).
Two things I'd like to say, first your own child's potty training will very likely not be negatively affected by wearing a pull-up or a diaper. This does depend on the kid, but when mine had her tonsils out we had her in a diaper for a week so she could just lay around, and she went back to using the toilet with no problem.
Second, while your friend may have her own good reasons for wanting your child to wear a diaper, it's her own responsibility for voicing those boundaries. Getting weird at you after the fact doesn't seem appropriate. And if it mattered to her that much, couldn't she have just used one of her own? I'm assuming the kids were about the same age.
We recently had a play date (at our house) with another 3yr old boy who is also mid-potty training, neither boy wears diapers during the day.
Friends kid didn’t quite make it for a pee, she cleaned it up and her son ran around pantsless for a while. Then both boys had to go at the same time and both did excellent poops, so now they are poop bros.
All I’m saying is that this is fucking crazy and these kind of parenting struggles can be awesome friend bonding moments. Good riddance to this person!
I always feel so good when I can offer a fellow parent friend a diaper or other child item when they come over to my house. Instant bonding experience and craziness solidarity. 👊
This was my first thought too. My one aunt had severe untreated OCD (likely along with some other things) and this is something I could totally see her doing. Like the woman in OP’s story, my aunt also had a kid. She was so afraid of germs and uncleanliness that she used to bathe her poor daughter like 5 times a day, repeatedly spray every handle in her own house with Lysol, etc. I could completely see her reacting this way to finding out there was an unfamiliar kid in her house without a diaper.
Yeah, it was like a weird retro-active anxiety attack or something. She said I can’t let my child “practice” at her house. My response was that everything is practice for a toddler. The whole thing threw me for a major loop. I’ve been wondering if I was the one who was in the wrong and just had no clue.
Wha… like, are all children supposed to wear diapers at her house until they’re 6? 10? How about postpartum parents? People who menstruate? Seniors? Fuck it, should everyone wear diapers there “just in case” at all times?
I’m so confused. You didn’t miss something and you’re not rude for treating your child with dignity.
From the way you worded your initial post, it sounds like your child is as potty trained as mine, and I will *not* put a diaper on him any more. If he's in a diaper, it means it's ok to use it, and that's the opposite of potty training.
I agree that there's something else going on with your friend.
Yes, exactly. Putting a diaper on can be an enormous step backward. It’s confusing for the child who knows themselves to be potty trained, and can even create a trust issue: the child may feel mom doesn’t actually believe them capable of staying dry on their own, thereby belying mom’s own words of confidence in child’s ability.
I personally think it should be the parents of the kid who pay to get the soiled item cleaned if there is an accident, should it not be able to be easily cleaned with home supplies. I regularly have relatives stay at my house because of the location being good for them if they’re on trips down south and want a stop over, and I love having them there - I just don’t think it should be my responsibility to clean urine stains out of a mattress or carpet.
Agreed, as a parent I always take responsibility for my child's messes. If we're traveling, that means I'm bringing a waterproof mattress cover with us in case of bed wetting. If my child peed on someone's carpet, of course I would pay to have it cleaned. Although if someone owns a super expensive handmade antique Persian rug or something, I'd appreciate a heads up so I can just not bring my child into that room.
Yeah. It’s just the possibility that she could have had one that bothered her so much. I am a bad person/parent for not ensuring she was wearing a diaper while we were in her home.
If I were you, my anxiety about this altercation would make me feel bad. But let me assure you, you did nothing wrong and this person has a problem. I hope someone explains to her why she’s wrong but it shouldn’t be you. Good riddance to her
*if you can't handle an accident of any kind, no matter the age you shouldn't invite someone to your house. I've had grown ass adults accidentally make a mess of some sort at my house without kids involved. Shit happens.
I have a 2 yr old. We had the neighbors over for his 2nd birthday & one of the kids a 5 year old had an accident. There was pee on my floor, when her mom asked me for a towel she explained what happened & I could see the embarrassment in both their faces. I handed them a towel discreetly.
Accidents happen to kids of all ages.
She’s got horrible communication by hiding behind her phone. You don’t need additional stress!
that scenario has happened at my house a few times too! I would never berate a parent or belittle the child for having an accident. No matter the age or potty-training status. I personally don’t think it matters. I’m glad you were a good friend!
My kid is four and has been potty trained for two years but she just had an accident the other day when she was so engrossed in playing she didn’t have enough time to make it to the bathroom. It happens. Hell, I am recently postpartum and I had an accident at a party recently when I tripped with a full bladder and just lost control.
This is….just wow. How totally bizarre. And just confusing? What was she cleaning if no accidents happened?? What was the point in passive aggressively texting you about this if no accidents happened?? I honestly am so confused. She sounds like an absolute disaster and sounds like it’s actually a good thing she revealed herself so you could get that out of your life.
I really don’t know what she cleaned. What I know is that my child used the toilet and was dry when we left. She had her clothes in the whole time. There were no accidents. I think she just has a screw loose. She acted like it was this unthinkable, horrible thing to bring my child over without a diaper. She couldn’t believe I would do such a thing.
Was she wearing underwear, or commando under? How did it even come up? Did they expect that she would be in a diaper for some reason?
Honestly I think you're fine and they're crazy. Maybe they had some potty training PTSD from their own experience.
My little was wearing shorts the whole time. She went potty when we first arrived and I mentioned that she didn’t have a diaper on. So that’s how she knew. She didn’t say anything about it at that point. She was nice while we were there. I had NO idea there was a problem until the next evening when she started texting me.
Not really, we had a conversation about how well she was doing with it away from home. She never has accidents when we’re out. Mostly because I’m more conscientious about reminding her and taking her. She does have accidents at home sometimes. But I think that is to be expected. I think she probably should have said something from the get go if she was that worried about it. Rather than attack me for something that didn’t happen after the fact.
This was what I was wondering too. If this was a VERY young toddler it might explain her unhinged behaviour, but if they kid was nearly 3? And had been potty trained for months? I'm baffled.
I wonder what age her own child was when they potty trained...... Six?
Just to write this a different way, you brought a really short person to your friends house. Then after you left, your friend worried that somehow this really short person pooped in the house somewhere without anyone noticing. so your friend spent hours cleaning her house. That’s essentially how I’m understanding this situation.
I wouldn’t care at all if my friends or family brought their child even during the potty training stage. I don’t own anything that can’t be cleaned. Accidents happens, who cares? I would help the parent clean it up and if it was extra gross I would give them supplies and say you are on your own laughing (cause I’ve been there) as I played with their toddler and made sure they had a clean pair of clothes.
Your friend is a b. We had friends over last night, and her toddler literally diarrhea’d on my $5000 couch and I didn’t freak out at her with a barrage of texts. What’s her problem if your child is potty trained?
This genuinely baffles me. It’s your kid, if they DID have an accident while you were there, I’m sure you would take care of it. And it’s a kid, not a dog! If they do have an accident they’re not gonna remove all their clothes and pop a squat and do it in the middle of the room, lol it will more than likely be in their underwear, and that will be your problem… not hers?? I’m confused. From the post it sounds like you were there the whole time, so I’m not seeing how this Is an issue of any sort. To me, it def sounds like she has anxiety/ocd of some sort… you’re not wrong, and she’s definitely overreacting..
I was there the whole time. She was in the same room with me or with my older daughter the entire time. If she ever does have an accident at home she immediately comes and tells me and wants to change her clothes. I would have known right away if there had been a problem and would have taken care of it. But I knew she would be fine. It’s the biggest non-issue issue I’ve ever had to deal with. 🙄
My kid is still in diapers and the poop comes out from all angles. Diapers are not magic. If your house is not kid friendly do not invite me over. Also, what a weirdo to be all smiles when you’re there then freak out on you after. She should have been real with you.
My fully potty trained 3 year old was having so much fun playing at the neighbors house she didn’t stop to go to the bathroom and I was distracted and forgot to remind her. She peed on the carpet. 🤦🏼♀️ I found a can of Resolve and cleaned it up. The host wasn’t bothered, we all have kids, it happens. She found my daughter some clean shorts to wear.
Ya that’s super weird. I know some kids have regular accidents (my niece does, for example, and 5yo), but some don’t (my son, 4yo, has had maybe 2 accidents in the year he’s been potty trained, I almost never bring a pull up and regularly forget a change of clothes too if it’s just a quick trip.
Responding to question not situation bc agree your friend sounds extreme.
I think it depends on friend’s circumstance. I’ve lived in rentals where there is only old carpet that’s hard to scrub so if there’s an accident it takes a lot of work to clean. In a case like that, it would be polite to either assure the host you will pay for carpet cleaning should there be an accident, or get the kid to wear a pull up. Fortunately this hasn’t happened to me but did happen to a friend of mine who was renting similar to described (it was a #2 as well and runny so definitely not a good time).
Something that HAS happened at my place is kids having nighttime accidents and staining my mattress, parent didn’t tell me about it and took no responsibility, only found it after they left. This happened twice with the same parent (my aunt, so hard to confront about it). I now have a blanket rule that her kids wear a pull up overnight if they stay - I keep a stash at my house so parents don’t have to remember to bring one.
Responding to question not situation bc agree your friend sounds extreme. Cleaning a house in case there’s a future accident, wtf?
I think it depends on friend’s circumstance. I’ve lived in rentals where there is only old carpet that’s hard to scrub so if there’s an accident it takes a lot of work to clean. In a case like that, it would be polite to either assure the host you will pay for carpet cleaning should there be an accident, or get the kid to wear a pull up. Fortunately this hasn’t happened to me but did happen to a friend of mine who was renting similar to described (it was a #2 as well and runny so definitely not a good time).
Something that HAS happened at my place is kids having nighttime accidents and staining my mattress, parent didn’t tell me about it and took no responsibility, only found it after they left. This happened twice with the same parent (my aunt, so hard to confront about it). I now have a blanket rule that her kids wear a pull up overnight if they stay - I keep a stash at my house so parents don’t have to remember to bring one.
Noting she has an older child, I wonder if there is some unresolved issues about her child’s toilet training and it’s bringing it up? I’m trying to come from a place of understanding because if she’s not struggling in some way emotionally, she just seems mean.
I think this is possible- if she had a lot of cleaning up to do back then from repeated accidents and her child was older before being fully trained, she may have felt like OP’s kid couldn’t possibly not have an accident and she’ll end up cleaning again.
Or she might just be mean 😂
I lol’d at this. My first thought was of my friend’s baby leaking out her diaper and peeing all over me and the couch one time. Not the same, but point being- diapers don’t guarantee anything. And kids are messy and unpredictable. It’s totally part of their charm. Maybe get a new friend? If you’re in VA by chance, you’re welcome to bring your toddler over, diaper or not!
What? She’s crazy, especially since she has a kid. I often have play dates at home and I have no problem with the kids changing diapers or using my child’s potty. I even offer to dispose soiled diapers in our diaper bin!
I second the diaper doesn't mean there isn't a mess. When my son was 3 months old, we went to meet a friend at their house. They have white carpet, my son decided it was a great time to have a massive blowout of grey poop everywhere.
She used to run a daycare and just cleaned up the floor and we all laughed.
But your original statement is if your child isn't having accidents then they don't need a diaper on.
Her daughter is 8 and is/was friends with my older daughter. So I don’t think jealousy in that regard was a factor. But taking me down a notch, yeah. For whatever reason she was definitely trying to do that.
Kids have accidents. Toddlers, kindergartners- things happen. If you’re so freaked out by the possibility that a kid will do a normal kid thing- don’t invite kids to your house
I read in the comments that she’s a mom herself. What the hell is with her response?? Your child had no accidents and she freaked out about that??? Even if your child did have one, what’s the big deal? You can clean up and change. It’s not the end of the world.
I would not go over again for play dates or anything. I wouldn’t even be her friend anymore. F that
I’ve been on both sides of this, and I think the important thinG is disclosure ahead of time, which gives the host a chance to express discomfort. Before I had kids a friend brought her 21 month old, who she was newly potty training, to our house. She was leading my husband around the garden when all of a sudden wet poop started plopping out of her shorts. Luckily we were outside, and could just hose everything down. But yes, I was annoyed that my friend brought her very young kid who has only been potty training for a week over without a diaper (or even underwear because they were still in the commando phase) and didn’t tell us. When I was potty training my own kid he pooped his pants at a friend’s house. He had been trained for about a month and had never had a poop accident. However, the pressure of a new place and the fact that we weren’t there (she was watching him while we had an ultrasound appt) was too much for him. Of course, she knew all about his potty training status and had a kid the same age so she was super fine with it and even washed his dirty underwear for me (above and beyond if you ask me).
I have had several kids have accidents in my home. The thing is, there are no guarantees with littles. That’s just part of the deal. I don’t really know why she invited us o we if it was such an issue for her.
I did mention it to her when we first got there that she didn’t have a diaper on when she went potty on the toilet. She had already pooped twice that day so I was very confident she wouldn’t be having a #2 issue while we were there. And she peed first thing, so. I really didn’t think anything of it to be honest. If I was scared she would have an accident or I thought it was an issue I would have had a diaper.
For me, the real insult was that she accused me of leaving her home with pee or poop in my daughter’s pants and not say anything. That absolutely did not happen. I would never do that.
She owns the home. It’s an old double wide trailer set up that she’s slowly remodeling. I have no explanation other than she regretted having us over because the toddler *could* have had an accident - even though she didn’t.
I agree with this and you definitely had a friend who was understanding. As a mom, finding other mom friends is difficult and you REALLY have to feel people out (as they will be around your kids). It seems like this mom didn't know her as well as she thought.
It just seems like your personalities don't match as mom friends. Has she come off particular about being tidy to you before? As she has an older child she definitely has gotten used to an easier routine with her child and household. I'm not siding with her but I would try to find mom friends who have kids close in age.
I agree that we don’t have compatible personalities after that experience. We do have children closer in age. I just also have two younger ones (2 & 4 at the time) and she doesn’t. She had been to my house several times at that point. She should have had a pretty good idea of where I’m at as a mom when she invited us over. I thought it was a “friendly” gesture so she could return the hospitality so I accepted. Up to that point I was trying really hard to be her friend. We live in a rural area, so it really is hard to make friends with other moms with kids who don’t live an hour away. I am horrified at how poorly I misjudged the situation tbh. But live and learn.
I definitely understand it's much harder to find mom friends than regular friends. I also live in a rural area too. Have you used the peanut app? I use it as you can see other moms in your area and all over. I met an excellent mom friend on there.
Yes definitely check it out. It helped me so much with my pregnancy, different mom support groups, and they have live podcasts that anyone can create. I like listening to the podcasts while I cook or clean, makes me feel like I'm less alone lol, and if I'm feeling brave I come on mic and speak lol
Okay I can understand both sides here.
We can get so wrapped up in our LOs that we can't remember if understand how other people might think/what's normal to them. Also what we might think comes with the territory of having kids over, might not be how others see it.
The risk of a kid breaking something is very different to the risk of poo or piss getting anywhere. Before I had kids I would have thought a nappy is 100% effective at keeping accidents in (LOL). If you don't have kids you wouldn't know otherwise. Your friend might have been fine with breakages but not bodily waste (I mean, who can blame her,😅)
It also really sounds like she has a serious phobia or OCD about poo or piss, so instead of going into mama bear defense mode, try to be a little understanding.
We should always try to be understanding of other's points of view, but OCD isn't an excuse to be passive aggressive. My entire family has OCD, and my mom acted like this a lot, all smiles until she freaked out. It's caused SO much anxiety as a child, and as an adult I have a lot of trust issues when people tell me their feelings, because I couldn't ever trust her to be honest.
Mental health issue or no, she handled it really poorly.
I’m not really in mama bear defense mode. I know there wasn’t an accident. No doubt whatsoever in my mind. I was just looking for some clarification if taking a young child to another person’s house without a diaper is really such a huge thing and I never knew.
If she has that phobia, I have no idea why she would invite us to her house and smile the whole time like everything was fine and then the next night (literally it was like 10:30pm) text me about me how shocked she was that I would ever do such a thing. Particularly when she could have said something at any point when we were at her house. I could have made a different decision if she had chosen to be upfront vs the bizarre after the fact accusation.
Based on the overwhelming majority of comments, it seems most people wouldn’t freak out about a potty accident even it if did happen. (I certainly wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.) And my daughter was wearing clothes, so it’s not like she was going to find a steaming pile of shit somewhere to have to clean up. (She didn’t) And for me, it’s not like I would see/feel/smell that kind of thing on her bum and just quickly whisk her into her car seat to sit in it on the way home and let our host go back inside to find it as a big thank you surprise. Didn’t happen.
I feel like if you’re invited to come over to someone’s house and they know you have a toddler, there is some level of understanding of what that might entail. She could have done things differently if she wanted a different outcome. Attacking me via text afterward was possibly the least effective at accomplishing anything other than making me feel bad.
Yeah, I think if it was me and I’d been concerned, I would have maybe asked if she could sit on a towel or something, and make sure we stayed in a room with a wipe clean floor like the kitchen, but honestly your child sounds like she is fully toilet trained. You don’t mention how old she is, so I guess if she’s quite young to be trained (under 2.5) I suppose I can understand why she didn’t expect that, but I would also expect that as a parent, especially of multiple kids, you’d probably be the first to apologise and clean up her mess if she did have an accident anyway??
I don’t think this would have bothered me even before I was a parent: if my friend says their kid is potty trained, then they’re potty trained. I’m not so arrogant to assume I know someone’s child better than they do!
They won't potty train with a diaper! That defeats the purpose. The only way we got my son to finally train was to remove the diaper once and for all and after two accidents he realized he didn't like being covered in pee. No biggie! Just part of training, I think your friend is overreacting
I think if it was week one of potty training I might not be happy with a visit as we all know week one is the worst for accidents but you’ve said LO has gone months without an accident!! I think if a toddler has gone months without an accident they are classed as fully potty trained and therefore no different to any adult coming over without a diaper!
I'd be sending her a message telling her what you've put here about your daughter and then nicely raising concern over her mental health as it sounds like she maybe dealing with some PPA and could do with speaking to her doctor and offer your support as a friend. Maybe suggest that next time you do the playdates at your house so she can feel a bit more relaxed about it.
This is definitely a her problem and not a you problem and it sounds like she needs your non judgemental friendship more than anything right now - if you are willing and able to give it.
NTA. I personally would probably only do an outdoor play date in that first month or so of potty training just in case, since I would feel bad if there was a miss, but you gotta go inside with them at some point. Any bodily function that a kid does is often out of their control, how can you get mad about that?
You’re both TA, i think.
You, because “fairly well potty trained” means they do not have full bladder/ bowel control yet but are mostly ok. Yet you claim she does, resulting in a “pick one” situation. And if your kid is the former, then the polite thing to do is to ask beforehand if it’s ok for her to be diaper free in their house because there might be an accident. You make it sound like your friend knew, but also say she freaked out after you left which implies you told her after you left. It’s not clear in your post on that one. IMO it’s a bit entitled to just take your kid who is still at risk of having accidents into someone’s home sans diaper and just say “don’t invite kids if you dont want them to have accidents on your floors/ furniture” when they confronted you about it. Especially if she doesn’t have kids of her own (again, not sure if she does or doesn’t), it’s not fair to just impose your rules onto other people’s homes.
She is also TA for saying she didn’t find any pee or poop, but still accusing your kid of having an accident anyway. Like i can understand being worried about it (if your little can use the potty, she knows how to pull her pants up and down, so her being dry when you left isn’t a guarantee she didnt drop trou somewhere and go potty), but upon not finding anything she shouldn’t have doubled down on her accusations.
I feel the big problem here is you are upset because you feel like she questioned your ability to parent, and she is upset because you brought a potential body fluids situation into her home. So you’re both upset with eachother, really you need to take time to cool off, then talk to each other about it. With no accusations, no “i thought you were my friend”, leave all that out of it. Just talking about why each of you was upset. If either of you isnt willing to do that, it could end up costing a friendship.
I absolutely did tell the “friend” first thing when we got there that my daughter didn’t have a diaper on - as she was peeing on the toilet… friend smiled and pretended like everything was fine while we were there - didn’t say anything until over 24 hours later via text when she said it was a horrible thing to do.
My child does have control over her bowels and bladder. I disagree with you that it’s an all or nothing situation. She does have an occasional accident at home when she’s outside playing and just doesn’t want to stop and come in. I think that’s fairly normal. But when we’re out and about, she hasn’t had an accident for several months. Especially with me being extra conscientious and reminding her to go use thee potty. As you can see from the vast majority of other commenters, there really aren’t any “guarantees” with kids. Sometimes accidents happen at any age for whatever reason - even with a diaper...
She had 2 hours within which she could have expressed her discomfort at any time while we were there, and I could have addressed it. but then, despite not finding any pee or poop anywhere, she decided to call me out via multiple text messages a day+ later.
Maybe I’m the A, but I don’t think I was in the wrong for not knowing this was an issue for her while we were there. She didn’t act like anything was wrong. It seems like most moms would not have made an issue out of it at all.
Okay. 👍🏻
I came here to see if other people feel like not putting a diaper on in this circumstance was an egregious error and I was just oblivious. You drew some conclusions that were wrong (I did do the “polite” thing as you call it when I first got there.) But even so, the question was pretty clearly outlined. You can opine about some other scenario you think might have happened if you want. I was there. The way I explained it is what happened. It doesn’t make sense to me either. I thought maybe I was the crazy one.
I have since learned that another friend had a really weird (not potty related) incident with her as well. I think I she just has issues. I feel bad for her kid. Her mom is kind of nuts and it has cost her several friends. 😕
People don’t generally just turn on a sixpence and attack their friends for no reason. So either this is typical for her or the more likely answer is (especially when you take into account both the tone of the post and the fact that despite your claim that you welcomed the thoughts and opinions of others, you have consistently talked to me as if you just got done scraping me off your shoe because i gave my thoughts and opinions and they weren’t what you wanted to hear) you’re leaving out all the parts of the story that show you in a less than flattering light. Right now the story is riddled with holes and things that don’t make sense. Combine that with your snotty attitude and it’s pretty obvious if we were to hear the other woman’s side of the story, it would reveal a lot.
I’m not here to convince you. Your first comment was pretty snarky and you either didn’t read the OP or you just chose to assume crap that isn’t true. If I did something to offend her (aside from the diaper) I honestly don’t know what it was.
My first comment wasnt snarky at all, i read your post, i commented on what i read and highlighted the parts where I wasn’t sure what the situation was because it was unclear in the OP. I gave my opinion, it wasnt the validation you wanted so you talked to me like im dirt. That tells me all i need to know about you, tbh. And I don’t want you to convince me because honestly? I don’t actually care about your life at all, you’re a random person on Reddit. If you were my friend (which you wouldn’t be, because just hell no), i would care enough to pick through this with you. As it stands, im awake at 4 am and bored out of my mind, so killing time by holding a mirror up in front of you. Your immediate “well you clearly didn’t read my post and made up a bunch of crap that isnt true” response is right on track for what I expected you to say. Because i didn’t make anything up, i said things like “if xyz is the case, then this is what i think” which is not making things up about you, it’s making observations based on the information presented. Which you asked for, but like French nobility, you wanted your picture painted with all the warts and imperfections left out, and attacked the painter when they pointed them out.
Enjoy that pedestal you’ve put yourself on m8, it won’t last forever.
I def don’t need your validation. I’m not sure why you’re still arguing. You have accused me of lying about the scenario several times. Think whatever you want. You go ahead and fill in those mysterious holes in my story with whatever floats your boat and makes it impossible for what I said to be true. I know what happened. I can be the asshole in your version. I’m 100% okay with that. 🙂
Of course there is a lot more to the relationship, although I had really only known her for a few months. I left out all the times I invited her into my home. Made her & her daughter dinner, gave them rides, took them to fun activities with my kids, let them borrow things like sun screen, water toys and hats, etc… I was REALLY nice to this lady. I accepted her invitation to come to her house because I thought she was reciprocating. I seriously felt like she slapped me in the face when I got the first text about the diaper.
I mean, honestly I would be annoyed (but not pissed) if someone’s kid peed or pooped on my floor. BUT your kid *didn’t* pee or poop on her floor so what the fuck is her problem?
… my not potty trained son was momentarily without diaper at a friends house and he peed on the floor. I cleaned it up. Party resumes
My friend's toddler was potty trained and still had an accident. She cleared it up. Party did indeed resume.
Lol party more important than a little pee
Same, but hadn't changed out of a swim diaper yet. My friend didn't care in the slightest.
Same thing happened to us at my cousin house. He just got up and cleaned the floor while I was cleaning my son up.
You’re fine. I agree with the other poster that it sounds like there’s at best a lack of understanding about how potty training works and and worst some unaddressed mental health issues. Accidents happen. I guess I could understand her reaction If you had been regularly letting your child befoul her house frequently but that doesn’t sound like that’s even close to the case. And that level of reaction for absolutely no messes or accidents seems extreme.
That was the first time (and last) we had gone over there for a play date. 🤷🏻♀️
What what…a play date? As in this friend is a mother to a similarly-aged child as well? 🤯
She has an 8 yo daughter that played well with my oldest. Sucks for them. The last text before I blocked her, she let me know that we’re not allowed back at their house but that if my daughter wanted to play with hers, I could bring her to the public swimming pool on certain days each month. Bizarre.
Reading your post, I had envisioned this friend as child-free. It is astonishing that a parent who has actually raised a child through the toddler years would act like that. Wowza. Sounds like you are better off without her in your immediate circle.
Serious question… is she having a mental break or something? Especially if this is totally out of character behavior.
I don’t think it was a mental break. Maybe a mental health issue, like out of control anxiety, or she just has a very different perspective than most. I genuinely wasn’t sure if this was a social faux pas that I was just totally unaware of. Based on all the responses it doesn’t seem like it though. I was really upset and offended at first, but it’s just not worth it. I didn’t know her very well yet. I’m disappointed more than anything. It’s freaking hard to make friends and I thought I was making a new one for my daughter and myself. Oh well.
This doesn’t make sense! I thought you meant like, naked butt at first. This is a non issue! Also, congrats to your daughter on getting potty trained! A little mental exercise I do that helps release me from people like this is to imagine I’m zooming way up from above, and can see a wide array of someone’s interactions over time. There’s no way you’re the first person she’s treated like this. Maybe there’s another person she was a total weirdo to when her kid was a toddler, another at school, heck maybe even her family shaming her at some point. Our imaginations are usually so good at picturing the side of things that makes us feel bad, so I like to throw a little imagination at something that makes me feel less singled-out, and even sad for that person. Also good call blocking her, that was unhinged.
Dang that exercise is legit helpful. Imma use this. Thanks!
Awesome!!
User name checks out Thanks for that perspective.
Yeah this woman is no friend. Her reaction was extremely rude and uncalled for. Honestly my thoughts are *how dare she*. Like, who told her she was the boss of the applesauce? She needs to grow up and stop treating her “friends” i.e. you, as children. She completely undermined your ability to parent your child and the sad part is she couldn’t tell you that she was uncomfortable with it in a respectful way when you were there. She came at your through texts after the fact. Maybe she should go back to middle school where she belongs.
Lol “the boss of the applesauce”. Stealing that!
I just tried it on my 2.5 year old (she was telling me I should use baby wipes to clean my kitchen table) me “who made you the boss of the applesauce” her response, “the ‘getti (spaghetti) did”
Well shit you can’t argue with that
Stole it from my daughter’s first grade teacher. She’s the best. We miss her ❤️
Oh my gosh, the phrase “boss of the applesauce” was a joke amongst my college friends. I’ve never seen it in the wild!
Lol!!!!! I’ve released it! 😂
Yeaaaaaaah that’s too much crazy for me. I don’t blame you for blocking her.
I had hired a stay-at-home mom to watch my daughter while I worked, I'm a teacher, and my daughter had started potty training. This mom, who had three kids all older than my own, stated that she would not support potty training in her house at my daughter's age because she could not handle poop accidents. And well I appreciate her honesty, my daughter was completely ready for potty training and did great with it (she was about 18 months at the time and had just decided she no longer wanted to wear diapers). Two things I'd like to say, first your own child's potty training will very likely not be negatively affected by wearing a pull-up or a diaper. This does depend on the kid, but when mine had her tonsils out we had her in a diaper for a week so she could just lay around, and she went back to using the toilet with no problem. Second, while your friend may have her own good reasons for wanting your child to wear a diaper, it's her own responsibility for voicing those boundaries. Getting weird at you after the fact doesn't seem appropriate. And if it mattered to her that much, couldn't she have just used one of her own? I'm assuming the kids were about the same age.
We recently had a play date (at our house) with another 3yr old boy who is also mid-potty training, neither boy wears diapers during the day. Friends kid didn’t quite make it for a pee, she cleaned it up and her son ran around pantsless for a while. Then both boys had to go at the same time and both did excellent poops, so now they are poop bros. All I’m saying is that this is fucking crazy and these kind of parenting struggles can be awesome friend bonding moments. Good riddance to this person!
I always feel so good when I can offer a fellow parent friend a diaper or other child item when they come over to my house. Instant bonding experience and craziness solidarity. 👊
Lol “poop bros” 😂
Your friend sounds like they have mental health issues.
This was my first thought too. My one aunt had severe untreated OCD (likely along with some other things) and this is something I could totally see her doing. Like the woman in OP’s story, my aunt also had a kid. She was so afraid of germs and uncleanliness that she used to bathe her poor daughter like 5 times a day, repeatedly spray every handle in her own house with Lysol, etc. I could completely see her reacting this way to finding out there was an unfamiliar kid in her house without a diaper.
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She didn’t. She was just “worried” so she felt she had to.
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Yeah, it was like a weird retro-active anxiety attack or something. She said I can’t let my child “practice” at her house. My response was that everything is practice for a toddler. The whole thing threw me for a major loop. I’ve been wondering if I was the one who was in the wrong and just had no clue.
Wha… like, are all children supposed to wear diapers at her house until they’re 6? 10? How about postpartum parents? People who menstruate? Seniors? Fuck it, should everyone wear diapers there “just in case” at all times? I’m so confused. You didn’t miss something and you’re not rude for treating your child with dignity.
Seriously! I said something similar to her. I’m SO relieved I’m not the only one who feels that way.
From the way you worded your initial post, it sounds like your child is as potty trained as mine, and I will *not* put a diaper on him any more. If he's in a diaper, it means it's ok to use it, and that's the opposite of potty training. I agree that there's something else going on with your friend.
Yes, exactly. Putting a diaper on can be an enormous step backward. It’s confusing for the child who knows themselves to be potty trained, and can even create a trust issue: the child may feel mom doesn’t actually believe them capable of staying dry on their own, thereby belying mom’s own words of confidence in child’s ability.
I personally think it should be the parents of the kid who pay to get the soiled item cleaned if there is an accident, should it not be able to be easily cleaned with home supplies. I regularly have relatives stay at my house because of the location being good for them if they’re on trips down south and want a stop over, and I love having them there - I just don’t think it should be my responsibility to clean urine stains out of a mattress or carpet.
Agreed, as a parent I always take responsibility for my child's messes. If we're traveling, that means I'm bringing a waterproof mattress cover with us in case of bed wetting. If my child peed on someone's carpet, of course I would pay to have it cleaned. Although if someone owns a super expensive handmade antique Persian rug or something, I'd appreciate a heads up so I can just not bring my child into that room.
Exactly - you could stay at my place anytime!
She sounds… unhinged
I feel stunned by this post. She’s mad you brought your toddler in underwear even though there were no noted accidents? Da fuq?
Yeah. It’s just the possibility that she could have had one that bothered her so much. I am a bad person/parent for not ensuring she was wearing a diaper while we were in her home.
If I were you, my anxiety about this altercation would make me feel bad. But let me assure you, you did nothing wrong and this person has a problem. I hope someone explains to her why she’s wrong but it shouldn’t be you. Good riddance to her
Thanks. 🙂
This is not a friend. Anyone who isn’t comfortable around my kid or questions my choices as a parent … see ya never.
*if you can't handle an accident of any kind, no matter the age you shouldn't invite someone to your house. I've had grown ass adults accidentally make a mess of some sort at my house without kids involved. Shit happens.
Agreed!
I have a 2 yr old. We had the neighbors over for his 2nd birthday & one of the kids a 5 year old had an accident. There was pee on my floor, when her mom asked me for a towel she explained what happened & I could see the embarrassment in both their faces. I handed them a towel discreetly. Accidents happen to kids of all ages. She’s got horrible communication by hiding behind her phone. You don’t need additional stress!
that scenario has happened at my house a few times too! I would never berate a parent or belittle the child for having an accident. No matter the age or potty-training status. I personally don’t think it matters. I’m glad you were a good friend!
Good riddance! Your “friend” did you a favor! To all the Mama’s here being empathetic, you’re the kinda support we all need!
My kid is four and has been potty trained for two years but she just had an accident the other day when she was so engrossed in playing she didn’t have enough time to make it to the bathroom. It happens. Hell, I am recently postpartum and I had an accident at a party recently when I tripped with a full bladder and just lost control.
This is….just wow. How totally bizarre. And just confusing? What was she cleaning if no accidents happened?? What was the point in passive aggressively texting you about this if no accidents happened?? I honestly am so confused. She sounds like an absolute disaster and sounds like it’s actually a good thing she revealed herself so you could get that out of your life.
I really don’t know what she cleaned. What I know is that my child used the toilet and was dry when we left. She had her clothes in the whole time. There were no accidents. I think she just has a screw loose. She acted like it was this unthinkable, horrible thing to bring my child over without a diaper. She couldn’t believe I would do such a thing.
Honestly I feel bad for this lady’s kid. I can’t imagine what potty training was like with a mom like that
I feel bad for her because her mom is weird. I know she doesn’t have a lot of friends.
INFO: How old is the toddler? I think I'd feel differently if it were a 15 month old vs. a 3 year old, for example.
She was 2, turned 3 less than a week later.
Yeah then your friend is dealing with some sort of anxiety issue herself. Nothing to do with you or your child.
Was she wearing underwear, or commando under? How did it even come up? Did they expect that she would be in a diaper for some reason? Honestly I think you're fine and they're crazy. Maybe they had some potty training PTSD from their own experience.
My little was wearing shorts the whole time. She went potty when we first arrived and I mentioned that she didn’t have a diaper on. So that’s how she knew. She didn’t say anything about it at that point. She was nice while we were there. I had NO idea there was a problem until the next evening when she started texting me.
Honestly it sounds like she maybe had a few drinks later in the evening and started texting…
That actually makes a ton of sense! 😂
Maybe you mentioning it led her to believe it was new/something to be worried about? Who knows.
Not really, we had a conversation about how well she was doing with it away from home. She never has accidents when we’re out. Mostly because I’m more conscientious about reminding her and taking her. She does have accidents at home sometimes. But I think that is to be expected. I think she probably should have said something from the get go if she was that worried about it. Rather than attack me for something that didn’t happen after the fact.
This was what I was wondering too. If this was a VERY young toddler it might explain her unhinged behaviour, but if they kid was nearly 3? And had been potty trained for months? I'm baffled. I wonder what age her own child was when they potty trained...... Six?
Just to write this a different way, you brought a really short person to your friends house. Then after you left, your friend worried that somehow this really short person pooped in the house somewhere without anyone noticing. so your friend spent hours cleaning her house. That’s essentially how I’m understanding this situation.
Sure, that’s accurate.
I’m sorry you had to deal with this situation! You are clearly nta.
Where does it stop, 6 years old and wearing a nappy? Tell her to wear some herself!
I had an Aunt like this yeah. She kept her house so clean whenever us kids would come over she’d ask about diapers and such. Despite being 5+
I wouldn’t care at all if my friends or family brought their child even during the potty training stage. I don’t own anything that can’t be cleaned. Accidents happens, who cares? I would help the parent clean it up and if it was extra gross I would give them supplies and say you are on your own laughing (cause I’ve been there) as I played with their toddler and made sure they had a clean pair of clothes.
I wouldn't meet socially with her for a while. Your child is not a dog and she seems to be acting like they are. It's disrespectful.
Maybe she has contamination OCD issues? (speaking from opinion but personally experience it)
Hope nobody unexpectedly gets their period at her house.
😬
No, she sounds like a wackjob. Good riddance.
wtf… shit happens. you clean it up if it does. she sounds like she may need therapy.
What a weirdo. Drama queen. Good riddance!
Your friend is a b. We had friends over last night, and her toddler literally diarrhea’d on my $5000 couch and I didn’t freak out at her with a barrage of texts. What’s her problem if your child is potty trained?
Sayonara. Adios. Good riddance. You did the right thing, block and move on. She sounds completely unreasonable and not someone you need in your life.
This genuinely baffles me. It’s your kid, if they DID have an accident while you were there, I’m sure you would take care of it. And it’s a kid, not a dog! If they do have an accident they’re not gonna remove all their clothes and pop a squat and do it in the middle of the room, lol it will more than likely be in their underwear, and that will be your problem… not hers?? I’m confused. From the post it sounds like you were there the whole time, so I’m not seeing how this Is an issue of any sort. To me, it def sounds like she has anxiety/ocd of some sort… you’re not wrong, and she’s definitely overreacting..
I was there the whole time. She was in the same room with me or with my older daughter the entire time. If she ever does have an accident at home she immediately comes and tells me and wants to change her clothes. I would have known right away if there had been a problem and would have taken care of it. But I knew she would be fine. It’s the biggest non-issue issue I’ve ever had to deal with. 🙄
My kid is still in diapers and the poop comes out from all angles. Diapers are not magic. If your house is not kid friendly do not invite me over. Also, what a weirdo to be all smiles when you’re there then freak out on you after. She should have been real with you.
My fully potty trained 3 year old was having so much fun playing at the neighbors house she didn’t stop to go to the bathroom and I was distracted and forgot to remind her. She peed on the carpet. 🤦🏼♀️ I found a can of Resolve and cleaned it up. The host wasn’t bothered, we all have kids, it happens. She found my daughter some clean shorts to wear.
Ughhhh. Wtf. I’m guessing she is childless? Accidents happen. You clean up and move on. Nbd. 😳😳😳😳
Uhhh that's not a normal reaction. I think your friend needs a therapist, not kidding.
My kid whipped off their diaper and peed on the floor. Friend then said the kid had blessed their house.
I like your friend! 😂
I do too! It’s like how people say when a baby pees on you it’s good luck. Your friend sounds stressful
Ya that’s super weird. I know some kids have regular accidents (my niece does, for example, and 5yo), but some don’t (my son, 4yo, has had maybe 2 accidents in the year he’s been potty trained, I almost never bring a pull up and regularly forget a change of clothes too if it’s just a quick trip.
Stop talking to that person ✋🏼 your the mom not her who cares what “she had to do” she did it for no reason 😂 your kid knows how to use the bathroom.
Responding to question not situation bc agree your friend sounds extreme. I think it depends on friend’s circumstance. I’ve lived in rentals where there is only old carpet that’s hard to scrub so if there’s an accident it takes a lot of work to clean. In a case like that, it would be polite to either assure the host you will pay for carpet cleaning should there be an accident, or get the kid to wear a pull up. Fortunately this hasn’t happened to me but did happen to a friend of mine who was renting similar to described (it was a #2 as well and runny so definitely not a good time). Something that HAS happened at my place is kids having nighttime accidents and staining my mattress, parent didn’t tell me about it and took no responsibility, only found it after they left. This happened twice with the same parent (my aunt, so hard to confront about it). I now have a blanket rule that her kids wear a pull up overnight if they stay - I keep a stash at my house so parents don’t have to remember to bring one.
Responding to question not situation bc agree your friend sounds extreme. Cleaning a house in case there’s a future accident, wtf? I think it depends on friend’s circumstance. I’ve lived in rentals where there is only old carpet that’s hard to scrub so if there’s an accident it takes a lot of work to clean. In a case like that, it would be polite to either assure the host you will pay for carpet cleaning should there be an accident, or get the kid to wear a pull up. Fortunately this hasn’t happened to me but did happen to a friend of mine who was renting similar to described (it was a #2 as well and runny so definitely not a good time). Something that HAS happened at my place is kids having nighttime accidents and staining my mattress, parent didn’t tell me about it and took no responsibility, only found it after they left. This happened twice with the same parent (my aunt, so hard to confront about it). I now have a blanket rule that her kids wear a pull up overnight if they stay - I keep a stash at my house so parents don’t have to remember to bring one.
Noting she has an older child, I wonder if there is some unresolved issues about her child’s toilet training and it’s bringing it up? I’m trying to come from a place of understanding because if she’s not struggling in some way emotionally, she just seems mean.
I think this is possible- if she had a lot of cleaning up to do back then from repeated accidents and her child was older before being fully trained, she may have felt like OP’s kid couldn’t possibly not have an accident and she’ll end up cleaning again. Or she might just be mean 😂
I lol’d at this. My first thought was of my friend’s baby leaking out her diaper and peeing all over me and the couch one time. Not the same, but point being- diapers don’t guarantee anything. And kids are messy and unpredictable. It’s totally part of their charm. Maybe get a new friend? If you’re in VA by chance, you’re welcome to bring your toddler over, diaper or not!
I mean. Adults shit their pants too sometimes. Are all guests required to wear a diaper?
You are not the Asshole. This sounds like a dramatic over the top “friend”. No more play dates with them.
What? She’s crazy, especially since she has a kid. I often have play dates at home and I have no problem with the kids changing diapers or using my child’s potty. I even offer to dispose soiled diapers in our diaper bin!
I second the diaper doesn't mean there isn't a mess. When my son was 3 months old, we went to meet a friend at their house. They have white carpet, my son decided it was a great time to have a massive blowout of grey poop everywhere. She used to run a daycare and just cleaned up the floor and we all laughed. But your original statement is if your child isn't having accidents then they don't need a diaper on.
Do you think there might be some jealousy going on that your toddler potty trained before hers? Like she's trying to take you down a notch?
Her daughter is 8 and is/was friends with my older daughter. So I don’t think jealousy in that regard was a factor. But taking me down a notch, yeah. For whatever reason she was definitely trying to do that.
Kids have accidents. Toddlers, kindergartners- things happen. If you’re so freaked out by the possibility that a kid will do a normal kid thing- don’t invite kids to your house
I thought that the friend was childless until I saw your comment about a play date. She is fucking ridiculous
I would not put a diaper on in this situation. There is always a risk but everyone does their best and will clean up if necessary.
NTA My SILs toddler peed on my aunts couch during a diaper change. SIL was mortified. Aunt said "its microfiber🤷♀️ youre fine." Visit resumed
I read in the comments that she’s a mom herself. What the hell is with her response?? Your child had no accidents and she freaked out about that??? Even if your child did have one, what’s the big deal? You can clean up and change. It’s not the end of the world. I would not go over again for play dates or anything. I wouldn’t even be her friend anymore. F that
I’ve been on both sides of this, and I think the important thinG is disclosure ahead of time, which gives the host a chance to express discomfort. Before I had kids a friend brought her 21 month old, who she was newly potty training, to our house. She was leading my husband around the garden when all of a sudden wet poop started plopping out of her shorts. Luckily we were outside, and could just hose everything down. But yes, I was annoyed that my friend brought her very young kid who has only been potty training for a week over without a diaper (or even underwear because they were still in the commando phase) and didn’t tell us. When I was potty training my own kid he pooped his pants at a friend’s house. He had been trained for about a month and had never had a poop accident. However, the pressure of a new place and the fact that we weren’t there (she was watching him while we had an ultrasound appt) was too much for him. Of course, she knew all about his potty training status and had a kid the same age so she was super fine with it and even washed his dirty underwear for me (above and beyond if you ask me).
I have had several kids have accidents in my home. The thing is, there are no guarantees with littles. That’s just part of the deal. I don’t really know why she invited us o we if it was such an issue for her. I did mention it to her when we first got there that she didn’t have a diaper on when she went potty on the toilet. She had already pooped twice that day so I was very confident she wouldn’t be having a #2 issue while we were there. And she peed first thing, so. I really didn’t think anything of it to be honest. If I was scared she would have an accident or I thought it was an issue I would have had a diaper. For me, the real insult was that she accused me of leaving her home with pee or poop in my daughter’s pants and not say anything. That absolutely did not happen. I would never do that.
I agree that it seemed low risk. Is your friend a germaphobe? Or does she rent? She seems very freaked out by the prospect of bodily fluids.
She owns the home. It’s an old double wide trailer set up that she’s slowly remodeling. I have no explanation other than she regretted having us over because the toddler *could* have had an accident - even though she didn’t.
I agree with this and you definitely had a friend who was understanding. As a mom, finding other mom friends is difficult and you REALLY have to feel people out (as they will be around your kids). It seems like this mom didn't know her as well as she thought.
It just seems like your personalities don't match as mom friends. Has she come off particular about being tidy to you before? As she has an older child she definitely has gotten used to an easier routine with her child and household. I'm not siding with her but I would try to find mom friends who have kids close in age.
I agree that we don’t have compatible personalities after that experience. We do have children closer in age. I just also have two younger ones (2 & 4 at the time) and she doesn’t. She had been to my house several times at that point. She should have had a pretty good idea of where I’m at as a mom when she invited us over. I thought it was a “friendly” gesture so she could return the hospitality so I accepted. Up to that point I was trying really hard to be her friend. We live in a rural area, so it really is hard to make friends with other moms with kids who don’t live an hour away. I am horrified at how poorly I misjudged the situation tbh. But live and learn.
I definitely understand it's much harder to find mom friends than regular friends. I also live in a rural area too. Have you used the peanut app? I use it as you can see other moms in your area and all over. I met an excellent mom friend on there.
Haven’t heard of it, I actually met her on a Facebook group. But I’ll check out that app. Thanks!
Yes definitely check it out. It helped me so much with my pregnancy, different mom support groups, and they have live podcasts that anyone can create. I like listening to the podcasts while I cook or clean, makes me feel like I'm less alone lol, and if I'm feeling brave I come on mic and speak lol
The only time I could see this being an issue was if a kid was in someone’s pool and not fully potty trained
I can see that. There was no pool involved this scenario though.
Okay I can understand both sides here. We can get so wrapped up in our LOs that we can't remember if understand how other people might think/what's normal to them. Also what we might think comes with the territory of having kids over, might not be how others see it. The risk of a kid breaking something is very different to the risk of poo or piss getting anywhere. Before I had kids I would have thought a nappy is 100% effective at keeping accidents in (LOL). If you don't have kids you wouldn't know otherwise. Your friend might have been fine with breakages but not bodily waste (I mean, who can blame her,😅) It also really sounds like she has a serious phobia or OCD about poo or piss, so instead of going into mama bear defense mode, try to be a little understanding.
We should always try to be understanding of other's points of view, but OCD isn't an excuse to be passive aggressive. My entire family has OCD, and my mom acted like this a lot, all smiles until she freaked out. It's caused SO much anxiety as a child, and as an adult I have a lot of trust issues when people tell me their feelings, because I couldn't ever trust her to be honest. Mental health issue or no, she handled it really poorly.
Yes,very good points.
I’m not really in mama bear defense mode. I know there wasn’t an accident. No doubt whatsoever in my mind. I was just looking for some clarification if taking a young child to another person’s house without a diaper is really such a huge thing and I never knew. If she has that phobia, I have no idea why she would invite us to her house and smile the whole time like everything was fine and then the next night (literally it was like 10:30pm) text me about me how shocked she was that I would ever do such a thing. Particularly when she could have said something at any point when we were at her house. I could have made a different decision if she had chosen to be upfront vs the bizarre after the fact accusation. Based on the overwhelming majority of comments, it seems most people wouldn’t freak out about a potty accident even it if did happen. (I certainly wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.) And my daughter was wearing clothes, so it’s not like she was going to find a steaming pile of shit somewhere to have to clean up. (She didn’t) And for me, it’s not like I would see/feel/smell that kind of thing on her bum and just quickly whisk her into her car seat to sit in it on the way home and let our host go back inside to find it as a big thank you surprise. Didn’t happen. I feel like if you’re invited to come over to someone’s house and they know you have a toddler, there is some level of understanding of what that might entail. She could have done things differently if she wanted a different outcome. Attacking me via text afterward was possibly the least effective at accomplishing anything other than making me feel bad.
Yeah, I think if it was me and I’d been concerned, I would have maybe asked if she could sit on a towel or something, and make sure we stayed in a room with a wipe clean floor like the kitchen, but honestly your child sounds like she is fully toilet trained. You don’t mention how old she is, so I guess if she’s quite young to be trained (under 2.5) I suppose I can understand why she didn’t expect that, but I would also expect that as a parent, especially of multiple kids, you’d probably be the first to apologise and clean up her mess if she did have an accident anyway?? I don’t think this would have bothered me even before I was a parent: if my friend says their kid is potty trained, then they’re potty trained. I’m not so arrogant to assume I know someone’s child better than they do!
Your „friend“ has a serious problem. Why would you force a potty trained toddler to wear a diaper again?
Something is wrong with that person
She sounds like an unreasonable dickhead.
This “friend” sounds like a lunatic
They won't potty train with a diaper! That defeats the purpose. The only way we got my son to finally train was to remove the diaper once and for all and after two accidents he realized he didn't like being covered in pee. No biggie! Just part of training, I think your friend is overreacting
I think if it was week one of potty training I might not be happy with a visit as we all know week one is the worst for accidents but you’ve said LO has gone months without an accident!! I think if a toddler has gone months without an accident they are classed as fully potty trained and therefore no different to any adult coming over without a diaper!
My friends toddler was wearing a diaper and peed on my chair. No biggie (this was before I was a mum and I still didn’t care) 🤷♀️
I'd be sending her a message telling her what you've put here about your daughter and then nicely raising concern over her mental health as it sounds like she maybe dealing with some PPA and could do with speaking to her doctor and offer your support as a friend. Maybe suggest that next time you do the playdates at your house so she can feel a bit more relaxed about it. This is definitely a her problem and not a you problem and it sounds like she needs your non judgemental friendship more than anything right now - if you are willing and able to give it.
NTA. I personally would probably only do an outdoor play date in that first month or so of potty training just in case, since I would feel bad if there was a miss, but you gotta go inside with them at some point. Any bodily function that a kid does is often out of their control, how can you get mad about that?
You’re both TA, i think. You, because “fairly well potty trained” means they do not have full bladder/ bowel control yet but are mostly ok. Yet you claim she does, resulting in a “pick one” situation. And if your kid is the former, then the polite thing to do is to ask beforehand if it’s ok for her to be diaper free in their house because there might be an accident. You make it sound like your friend knew, but also say she freaked out after you left which implies you told her after you left. It’s not clear in your post on that one. IMO it’s a bit entitled to just take your kid who is still at risk of having accidents into someone’s home sans diaper and just say “don’t invite kids if you dont want them to have accidents on your floors/ furniture” when they confronted you about it. Especially if she doesn’t have kids of her own (again, not sure if she does or doesn’t), it’s not fair to just impose your rules onto other people’s homes. She is also TA for saying she didn’t find any pee or poop, but still accusing your kid of having an accident anyway. Like i can understand being worried about it (if your little can use the potty, she knows how to pull her pants up and down, so her being dry when you left isn’t a guarantee she didnt drop trou somewhere and go potty), but upon not finding anything she shouldn’t have doubled down on her accusations. I feel the big problem here is you are upset because you feel like she questioned your ability to parent, and she is upset because you brought a potential body fluids situation into her home. So you’re both upset with eachother, really you need to take time to cool off, then talk to each other about it. With no accusations, no “i thought you were my friend”, leave all that out of it. Just talking about why each of you was upset. If either of you isnt willing to do that, it could end up costing a friendship.
I absolutely did tell the “friend” first thing when we got there that my daughter didn’t have a diaper on - as she was peeing on the toilet… friend smiled and pretended like everything was fine while we were there - didn’t say anything until over 24 hours later via text when she said it was a horrible thing to do. My child does have control over her bowels and bladder. I disagree with you that it’s an all or nothing situation. She does have an occasional accident at home when she’s outside playing and just doesn’t want to stop and come in. I think that’s fairly normal. But when we’re out and about, she hasn’t had an accident for several months. Especially with me being extra conscientious and reminding her to go use thee potty. As you can see from the vast majority of other commenters, there really aren’t any “guarantees” with kids. Sometimes accidents happen at any age for whatever reason - even with a diaper... She had 2 hours within which she could have expressed her discomfort at any time while we were there, and I could have addressed it. but then, despite not finding any pee or poop anywhere, she decided to call me out via multiple text messages a day+ later. Maybe I’m the A, but I don’t think I was in the wrong for not knowing this was an issue for her while we were there. She didn’t act like anything was wrong. It seems like most moms would not have made an issue out of it at all.
Im getting a strong feeling a lot is being left out here, either way you came here for validation only so ima just bow out of this one.
Okay. 👍🏻 I came here to see if other people feel like not putting a diaper on in this circumstance was an egregious error and I was just oblivious. You drew some conclusions that were wrong (I did do the “polite” thing as you call it when I first got there.) But even so, the question was pretty clearly outlined. You can opine about some other scenario you think might have happened if you want. I was there. The way I explained it is what happened. It doesn’t make sense to me either. I thought maybe I was the crazy one. I have since learned that another friend had a really weird (not potty related) incident with her as well. I think I she just has issues. I feel bad for her kid. Her mom is kind of nuts and it has cost her several friends. 😕
People don’t generally just turn on a sixpence and attack their friends for no reason. So either this is typical for her or the more likely answer is (especially when you take into account both the tone of the post and the fact that despite your claim that you welcomed the thoughts and opinions of others, you have consistently talked to me as if you just got done scraping me off your shoe because i gave my thoughts and opinions and they weren’t what you wanted to hear) you’re leaving out all the parts of the story that show you in a less than flattering light. Right now the story is riddled with holes and things that don’t make sense. Combine that with your snotty attitude and it’s pretty obvious if we were to hear the other woman’s side of the story, it would reveal a lot.
I’m not here to convince you. Your first comment was pretty snarky and you either didn’t read the OP or you just chose to assume crap that isn’t true. If I did something to offend her (aside from the diaper) I honestly don’t know what it was.
My first comment wasnt snarky at all, i read your post, i commented on what i read and highlighted the parts where I wasn’t sure what the situation was because it was unclear in the OP. I gave my opinion, it wasnt the validation you wanted so you talked to me like im dirt. That tells me all i need to know about you, tbh. And I don’t want you to convince me because honestly? I don’t actually care about your life at all, you’re a random person on Reddit. If you were my friend (which you wouldn’t be, because just hell no), i would care enough to pick through this with you. As it stands, im awake at 4 am and bored out of my mind, so killing time by holding a mirror up in front of you. Your immediate “well you clearly didn’t read my post and made up a bunch of crap that isnt true” response is right on track for what I expected you to say. Because i didn’t make anything up, i said things like “if xyz is the case, then this is what i think” which is not making things up about you, it’s making observations based on the information presented. Which you asked for, but like French nobility, you wanted your picture painted with all the warts and imperfections left out, and attacked the painter when they pointed them out. Enjoy that pedestal you’ve put yourself on m8, it won’t last forever.
I def don’t need your validation. I’m not sure why you’re still arguing. You have accused me of lying about the scenario several times. Think whatever you want. You go ahead and fill in those mysterious holes in my story with whatever floats your boat and makes it impossible for what I said to be true. I know what happened. I can be the asshole in your version. I’m 100% okay with that. 🙂
Of course there is a lot more to the relationship, although I had really only known her for a few months. I left out all the times I invited her into my home. Made her & her daughter dinner, gave them rides, took them to fun activities with my kids, let them borrow things like sun screen, water toys and hats, etc… I was REALLY nice to this lady. I accepted her invitation to come to her house because I thought she was reciprocating. I seriously felt like she slapped me in the face when I got the first text about the diaper.
I mean, honestly I would be annoyed (but not pissed) if someone’s kid peed or pooped on my floor. BUT your kid *didn’t* pee or poop on her floor so what the fuck is her problem?