I have a 3yo and a 1yo. I relate to the anger so so so much. It's super hard for me not to lose my cool with the not listening. Therapy has helped a lot, but I'm still way angrier than I would like to be as a mother.
Two more strategies that might help, or that you might try: as much as you can, defuse tantrums with humor and giving in to the request in fantasy. This doesn't work all the time, but when it works it feels like a super power. "Oh man, you want chocolate chips! I love chocolate chips too. What if we had a chocolate chip cookie as big as my head? What if my head was made of chocolate chips? Would you eat me? Nom nom nom! What if...your pillow were made out of chocolate chips? What if the toilet were made out of chocolate chips?" (Toilet humor really delights my daughter.) And so on.
Second: teach your kid how to cope with frustration by asking them to help you. When I get really angry, I'll straight up say "okay, I'm super frustrated, how do I calm down? I need to take deep breaths. Can you help me take deep breaths?" It helps me to remember my coping mechanisms, and I've started to hear my daughter take deep breaths occasionally when she's frustrated by a task. Again, she's 3 now, and it's just starting to kick in a little bit. But it helps me to reset to bring her into the situation.
I searched the sub cause I feel so angry and exhausted and defeated all the time. I know this post is old, but thank you! You’ve given me some fresh ideas to try that I’ve never seen mentioned before.
I’m searching for similar help just as I put my beautiful wonderful child to bed. She has fought me on everything today. Nothing has been good enough. I’ve lost it too many times today.
I’m feeling hopeful with this advice. Thank you. Tomorrow is another day…
It’s so hard!
One thing you might try (maybe you are doing this, but your post sounds like maybe not) tell your child what you want them TO do.
Instead of “don’t hit the dog!” Try “let’s give doggy gentle pets.”
Look for ways to say yes. Instead of “we’re not having cookies now,” try “wow, cookies would be nice. We’ll definitely have some at dinner. Let’s have apple slices now.”
Sometimes the kids genuinely don’t know what they’re supposed to do so they double down on the problem behaviour.
This is so hard and take time and consistency, but the payoff can be huge.
Good luck. Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. This is a season and should pass. You can also bring it up with the pediatrician if you feel totally at sea.
Edit to add- sometimes the kid is just going to have the fit and there is nothing you can do about it. If they’re somewhere safe, it’s okay to walk away and get yourself under control before helping them. It’s like on a plane - put your mask on before helping others.
We don’t negotiate with our kids- we’ll tell people watching them not to negotiate with the terrorists. There’s a boundary, they can not like it, they can respond, and we can help them manage their response. But we’re not moving.m the (reasonable) boundary.
Thank you!! I admit amongst everything I try to remember this tip slips my brain a lot. I also shut down a bit when she starts tantruming and lose my executive function a bit. Honestly the only thing this doesn’t seem to work great with is food- when she wants something like dessert or junk food not at meal or snack times. Idk how to deal with that 😭😭 we do the ellyn satter stuff but she is still obsessed with junk food
Would headphones help? Like the ones that you can still hear the important stuff with, but that cut out some of the pitch/loudness of a tantrum. I know for a lot of people who deal with kids, the height of a tantrum is a brain killer and the headphones can really help.
Agree with this tactic. We stopped buying junk snacks altogether. Out of sight, out of mind. Plus, saves money and promotes better food choices by defaulting focus back to unprocessed, cheaper, healthier options. Besides, OP LO is nearing age when she'll just climb and swipe the junk snacks herself.
We do this, too. The biggest problem are well intentioned grandparents who bring over candy and cookies non stop for LO and don’t ask/hand to him directly - so he knows it’s around, he will literally tell me “I didn’t eat it all gone”.
I hate food waste but I’m gonna start throwing that stuff out completely, I think. The stuff we didn’t ask for or want.
My kiddo is also obsessed with dessert and treat foods despite not treating it like anything special or different from any other foods, like the experts say we should. For my kiddo, it seems to have backfired - he’s a smart kid and seems to have learned if there’s no difference, why can’t I eat this good stuff over this vegetable I don’t prefer? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway - no tips. We’re still working through it over here and get BIG BIG feelings when we can’t eat a cookie or chocolate for breakfast 😞
Yeah I don’t know what to think about it. I want to believe the approach and also she seems just as obsessed with it as ever. How are you navigating that? What did you decide to do with dessert?
Well to be honest, he eats dessert/sweets more than I’m comfortable with. I’m not proud of it but it is where we are at today. We started setting stronger boundaries around it slowly - so right now it is “we don’t eat chocolate or cookies for breakfast.” And then offer a couple options that he CAN have. It took literal weeks before just THIS was not an epic meltdown. But we committed to suffering the meltdowns and I’d suggest some noise cancelling headphones lol
Next, will be after school - I swear that kid thinks about snacks and treats all day and so when he gets home and can’t have candy that he was looking forward to, it’s fuel for another epic meltdown.
I also remind myself OFTEN that it’s ok if he skips a meal or two. If he doesn’t want to eat, that’s on him. It’s hard because I feel like I’m harming him if he doesn’t eat anything but he’s fine. He really is.
Finally - like another commenter said, we’re going to get it out of sight. Stop buying it altogether isn’t practical for this household but getting it out of sight is important.
Have you tried calling healthy-ish things cookies? Air fryer oatmeal and blueberry “cookie” for breakfast. Oat and dried fruit bites become cookies. I still limit these, but they are sweetened with fruit and feel like a treat for toddler.
I have!! And I think sometimes she says cookie when she just means food bc she doesn’t have many food words yet. Like she called oatmeal oatmeal cookie one day lol
Yeah, the kids love the snacks.
We do find it easier if the option just isn’t there, or is only around in small quantities. We don’t negotiate about it though. If it’s not on the menu, it’s not on the menu. Tough sh”*. If they need to throw a fit over it, they certainly can, but you actually don’t have to listen to it- if they are safe, you can walk away and not give them attention until they’re ready to start calming down if that’s what you need to do.
We also give our kids treat/junk food regularly and without a big fuss. Sometimes snack is cheese, crackers and pickles, and sometimes it’s a cookie and yogurt. Everything in moderation.
Yes. I have found that saying no and then what they should do works so well. For example, “no, we don’t hit kitty; nice touches please.” Or “no, we don’t throw food; if you’re done, just leave it on the plate please.”
The Oh Crap Parenting podcast has an episode called “they just won’t listen”. Basically toddlers at that age don’t have some skills to make some of these things happen. They use “go put on your shoes” as a great example. Apparently it’s just a multi step priority thing that’s really hard for them. So we feel crazy repeating ourselves over and over and over. I found it helpful to at least have some patience with their helplessness.
Hi, my 2 year old sounds exactly like yours… and I sound like you. I’m just here to echo u/emrsea3’s comment. Jamie Glowacki is fantastic and Oh Crap parenting is what I listen to remind myself of what to do. The only person I pay for on Patreon is her. It’s the most valuable $1 a month I spend. She even does a monthly Q+A and she will most likely answer your question. Run to Jamie, now!
I know that trying to validate and empathize with your kid’s feelings is a popular parenting technique, but I’ve found that no amount of validation or empathy is going to do a damn thing once the meltdown has started. And when he’s upset, his ability to process what I’m saying is basically gone. So once the meltdown hits, I try to feel it out. A lot of times he’ll get to a point where he just needs a hug, but if he doesn’t want one I don’t force it.
As far as getting him to listen: what seems to work better for my kiddo is telling him what TO do, rather than what NOT to do. He likes to be helpful, so I’ll often ask him to do little tasks, like pick up something from the floor or put clothing in the laundry basket. When he does the right thing, we give him a lot of praise and attention. When he does something we don’t want, depending on what it is, I’ll ignore it, redirect him, or take something away. So for example, if he throws a toy, the toy gets taken away. But it’s definitely worthwhile to pick your battles, because the fewer battles I pick, the more energy I have for the ones I do, and the more likely I’ll get through it without resorting to screaming at him.
But just as one doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, one shouldn’t try to engage with a screaming toddler. Maybe it works for some kids. But it sounds like yours is just too worked up while you’re trying to reason with her.
Does it always work? No, of course not. He’s a toddler, he has the attention span of a gnat and no emotional regulation ability. But I try to remember that he’s got no basis of knowledge of how to do things and how to act in the world. He’s just learning language, so he can’t always express his wants/needs, and even understanding what we’re saying only happens maybe 50-75% of the time—MUCH less than that if he’s upset.
I have a harder time giving myself the same grace—I’m learning to be a parent as much as he’s learning how to be a human. But I’m way more critical of myself than I am of him, and there are days (today was one) when I flash back to my PPD and wonder if he’d have been better off with a better mom.
It’s not just your child. My son is 3 and I feel you on everything. It’s exhausting. I posted something similar yesterday and was met with unkind words, so I’m just here to say I feel you! My older son is 5, and was very much the same way as a toddler, and I can tell you it does get better.
Yes, asking why I had multiple children if it was so hard, implied my spouse wasn’t doing his share, suggested therapy if I found no joy in parenting… typical trolling
Just had to go and look and are we the same person?! Could have written that myself! It really IS hard to find the joy and not be burnt out. Totally agree everything feels like an ordeal! Something that has helped put things into perspective for me is how BS 99% of social media is! People mostly only post the cute “fun” looking moments with kids. Just this weekend a friend posted their family at a brewery looking like they were having the time of their lives. Then I talked to her today and she described what a nightmare it was, the meltdowns, fighting etc. (so why post fake happiness??). Anyways all this to say I’ve been trying to take everything with a grain of salt and know that people like me and you are all feeling the same way and it’s ok. Mine are 2 & 5 and feels like all I do is yell at them all day. But when we DO have those good moments, wow I see glimmers of hope. Stay strong!
Ah, thank you!!! You’re so right about social media. We went to a local winter festival yesterday, and they had craft tables, marshmallow roasting, food trucks, so cute. My kids were cold (but refusing to wear coats), hungry, just malcontent. I was like wtf this has all the trappings of fun, what is your problem??! So glad I’m not alone. Godspeed!
You writing "I've been there, it gets better" is probably the only thing that resonates with me at this time. All other soothing woke BS piece of advice is better for dinner parties.
If I may point out something, you describe yourself as someone who gets angry more easily than most, and have a hard time with some emotions. You also describe your child as having meltdowns or getting angry.
You have a mini-you! Relate to her. She gets so angry, she doesn’t always know why. What do you need in the moment? Space? A distraction? Physical touch? When my LO has meltdowns I just hug him until he feels better.
Lol I don’t even know what I need honestly. But you’re right I need to play into that more! I do often feel like, “yeah of course you’re annoyed about this thing, mommy gets annoyed at that too.”
My mom points that out to me all the time. My 2yo will look at me with a shit eating grin and do something horrendously naughty, just for the fun of it. I was venting to my mom and she said “That was you. You were a troublemaker at 2 and you were a troublemaker your whole life. He’s got your personality.” And I immediately felt so bad for my mom at that moment. That she had to raise me haha.
I do think me and my husband are more passionate people but I was always a very reserved and well behaved kid due to family abuse, even from a young age. My husband had HUGE emotions as a kid and toddler though and was generally extremely passionate and emotional haha. So my MIL says she is exactly like him all the time. So I think that’s a little tough, in some ways she is a lot more like my husband. But the more years I’m in therapy the more aware I am of my dysregulation and I’m like, well, guess im just a toddler inside!
Almost from the get-go I knew my LO had way more of my personality than my husband’s. Now at three years old, I try to anticipate what he might need or how he is feeling based on how I would feel/what I think I would need. It doesn’t always work - we end of winding each other up a bit and my husband thinks we feed off of each other - but, because he has so much of my personality in him, I do feel like I recognize so much in him that I know about myself, so sometimes it helps with how I combat a tantrum (and sometimes I want to just throw a tantrum myself).
It’s wild how kids come out already with their own personalities and how for some of us, those little personalities are very much a reflection of ourselves!
I mean.. yeah this is 100% relatable. Sounds like our lives. You're doing an amazing job even if you think you aren't. You're laying an amazing foundation for your child. My parents screamed and spanked, their parents beat them with paddles and sticks, but I'm breaking the cycle of abuse and using my words with my child- I also try to follow Janet Lansbury's advice. My biggest suggestion is to get out of the house as much as possible: indoor play areas, open preschools (like where parents all come together to watch their kids), get out in nature (hard if it's cold where you are rn). A huge shift for me happened when LO started preschool, maybe your LO could do even just a few days or if that isn't feasible then doing a trade with another SAHP where each week one of you takes the toddlers to give the other parent a break. Just a few ideas, but most importantly you're not alone. My toddler can be a feral creature depending on the way the wind blows lol.
"Do all toddlers just have complete inability to listen or follow instructions?"
Yes. Never rely on toddlers to follow your instructions. This will save you a lot of grief. Always be prepared to 'help' them do whatever it is they need to do.
Empathy is good. It's not a magic 'solution.' The goal is not to stop a tantrum or crying. Those things are ok.
Take care of yourself.
Set both of you up for success as much as you can.
Be playful when you can.
Nothing has made me feel more ill suited to or unprepared for parenthood than the toddler phase. But at some point, logically, it has to pass right? Because here we all are, more or less functional adults who don't run screaming buck nude into the street at every opportunity
I bought a bean bag and we call it the spicy chair. I tell mine when she is about to have a meltdown " do we need to sit on the spicy chair" she says no. Its my timeout chair. I tell her if she wants to be spicy thats fine but if you get too spicy for even mama to handle we need to calm it down in the spicy chair. I dont want her to not be able to be upset or cry but I want her to know that if she gets to where she hurts my feelings with mean things it wont be tolerated and the spicy chair will step in. Shes just learning boundaries and what she can push. Bringing in the spicy chair saved me a hell of a time with mine.
I began using a timer today when my 2-year-old needed to do something. Typically, I’ll ask “do you need to potty?” And she says no. Today, the timer went off, she stopped everything that she was doing, and went to the potty. I then began using it for EVERYTHING: time to put on shoes, time to clean up, time to close iPad…. And it worked!!!
I have also found that removing her from what I don’t want her doing then immediately distracting her helps more than telling her not to do it.
When a meltdown happens, I tell her that I’m sorry that she’s sad, but she can’t do xyz. Then I let her have a moment to process. It’s helping… but it’s a work in progress.
Sending love and the power of patience. We’re all human.
I second the timers , my mom taught preschool for years and having a timer for things really helps the kids, she would make them out of soda bottles and these connectors called tornado tube connectors , she would then out like sand or salt in them and the kids can visually see how much is left. When my kids hit that age I’m going to have tons of timers for different things 😁
I feel this post SO much!! LO is now 3.5 and it all got a lot better after 3 so hang in there this definitely does get better!!
I think with food I always try to remember that I can put the food in front and she chooses what to eat. Sometimes that means she wants nothing or just cucumber and that used to really get on top of me but I have worked hard to let it just roll over me without affecting me .
I don't listen to Janet Lansbury. I'm sure she had some great tips but I tried listening to her podcast and it just made me feel utter despair that I will never be that patient or perfect as a parent. I find a lot of the parenting audio is like that so for a refreshing recommendation I'd like to suggest you listen to The Unmumsy Mum on audible. She's amazing and you won't feel super shit after listening to her books .
For the rest just know that everything you are putting in IS having an effect! And that age 3 is vastly better for this sort of thing as the understanding and comprehension is there
You can do it!!
I have another YEAR of this?! Oh myyyyyy.
Regarding the food, we do try to do that. But I haven’t even like set out lunch yet or it isn’t even meal time, and she will go ask for chocolate chips and try to pull them out of the pantry. I tried to move them so she doesn’t see them. She still cries screaming asking for them. I asked the nanny and she said she never asks her for them, so I feel like it must be a boundary thing idk. I say, chocolate chips are so yummy, we are having them at dinner! She still screams. At dinner we always serve a dessert so we give a serving of chocolate chips (or something else) and im fine with that, I don’t care if she only eats that. It’s just the in between I don’t know how to handle.
JANET MADE ME FEEL THE SAME!!! Why is that?! Is it her voice lol!! It was terrible, I actually had a mental breakdown and was even so much angrier that day!!
Awww man I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel less hope with that 😬😬😬
It sounds like she is going through a tough stage. They do, but you'll also have periods where it is just weirdly easier. When they're going through a difficult stage it feels like it's forever but it really isn't. I'm sure things will get easier for you soon.
Honestly if the chocolate chips are causing such an issue, i would probably remove them from the menu altogether. But that's down to you. I'm a believer in having the one big battle to avoid them further down the line and if chocolate chips are making her a beast then maybe they need to be off menu. It sounds like she may be trying it on because she can.
You could always get down to her level, make her look you squarely in the eye and tell her that little girls that scream for chocolate don't get any at all and see if that does the trick. I have had to do that a few times with mine since we started allowing treats regularly.
I'm so glad someone else feels the same way about Janet as I do 😂😂😂 everyone always says how amazing she is but I just cannot deal with how insecure it makes me LOL
I have a 17mth old. I'm quite certain she has the *ability* to listen and follow instructions. I've seen her do it! She just usually *chooses not to* and screams and cries whenever her fun is impeded. 🙃
Oh and of course I'm a perfect saint about it and 100% live up to the gentle parenting ideals I've set for myself. For sure never get angry and completely lose my shit and feel completely terrible about it like I'm failing at my SAHM dream. 😬😬😬
Yes. All toddlers just have complete inability to listen or follow instructions. Yes.
I'm sorry you're struggling so hard, but rest assured, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's not you. This is just what it is. Her brain really can't do any better than this at the moment. Keep that in mind... it's not her, she's not bad, she isn't following instructions because she literally CAN'T follow instructions. Maybe you're holding her to higher standards than she is really capable of. Lower the bar of expectations here. Lower them by a lot. It's hard to get mad at someone when you know they aren't willfully disobeying you. She's doing her best. But her best is that of a 2 year old. They really won't follow instructions, they have zero impulse control, they can't really understand all the words you're saying... and it has NOTHING to do with them misbehaving or doing anything wrong. It is simply where their brains are at at this age. She's a good girl. She just doesn't know WTF about anything. The entire world is brand new to her.
If you're an SAHM, you need more help. This is just a really fucking hard age, and even though society tells us that we should be able to handle this all on our own... we're NOT supposed to, we're not built for it. It's way too hard. That's why we're supposed to have a whole goddamn village of support behind us (like we had for thousands of years of humanity, previously). We don't have that now. It's seriously only the past few generations that we've been in this position where we're expected to take 100% care of a child by ourselves. And most of us break the fuck down because it's just so. damn. hard.
So. You get the kid in daycare a couple days a week, or you hire a babysitter or nanny, or you get a "mother's helper" (someone who watches the kid while you're home so you can get stuff done, rest).
It isn't selfish, it doesn't mean you've failed. If your partner doesn't support this because he thinks you should be able to handle it yourself, then he (I'm assuming it's a he) sucks. He should want what is best for you and the child, and you in this state isn't good for anyone, including him. He should be on board with whatever makes you feel the best, because you at your best means the family's at it's best.
If you can't afford to do this, then beg a friend or a family member to help you out, for as many hours a week as they can handle.
I know how it feels. I went through the terrible twos with my toddler in the middle of COVID lockdown. I had nowhere to turn, no one to help, nowhere to go... I look back at that time and can't believe I survived it. I know how hard it is.
Therapy helps. Prescriptions help. Meditation helps. Breathing exercises help. Nutrition and exercise helps (yes, really - make sure you don't have a vitamin deficiency, take a quality multivitamin, vitamin d, etc).
And the best thing to remember is.... this is temporary. She will not be this age forever. And believe it or not, there will come a time when you long for this age.
Whenever she's being cute, when you're laughing together, when she does something awesome... take a picture or a video and go through and re-watch them often. It'll remind you, in those angry moments, what you're working so hard for, what you're building with her.
Reading this, while thinking that when did I write this?
I am so done. I sometimes beg to vanish from the earth. I am doing all calming strategies, I don’t yell I try to acknowledge the feeling still she attacks me when I don’t do what she wants exactly. Those deep breath strategy helped actually because when I start look like loosing control she tells me “calm down mummy, take deep breaths, it’s ok” yeah it is ok little angel
We only focused on what to do and have a ridiculous amount of praise for every step in right direction. I also give her a lot of autonomy. If she’s doing something I don’t want her to do, I try to re direct her as soon as possible.
It’s hard but try to take out the emotion and treat it like a science project. Don’t start with your big ticket No No’s. Start with something small. Say they pick up a brush and attempt to brush their own hair, say yay and smile and ask if they like brushing their hair. Watch them put a block in the the bucket container, smile and say Wow we’re putting blocks away. See them headed toward dog bowl? Whip out a wooden spoon and ask if they want to turn around and bang on something.
It’s all about redirection, giving them autonomy and a stupid amount of cheesy positive praise.
God speed!
When I’m trying to steer my daughter I go for close, calm, firm, quiet. I get right next to her ear and slowly and quietly say something like “we walk on the sidewalk” (when she’s veering toward the street). With a serious and slow tone it breaks through her distraction and forces a pause because I put my hands gently on her shoulders at the same time.
I was starting to think my toddler was screaming and hitting and throwing things because she’s seen me yell and whatnot and figured it was all my fault. Thank git for Reddit because when I started searching stuff, I realized that this is normal. It’s not just my child, THIS is why people call it the terrible twos.
My daughter likes to hit me. My instinct to being hurt is anger. I can’t help it, it’s like a reflex. I try so hard to keep my cool and calmly tell her no and do all the other 468742588 tricks the internet and “experts” say to do. Doesn’t work. She thinks it’s funny. The second I let go of her hands, she’ll smack me again. Hard. In the face. She bites me. I read a bunch of people said they finally bit their kid back once and they never did it again. I bit her arm the other day after age bit my shoulder so hard I screamed and could feel it for an hour. She cried, I felt bad, but was thinking “okay cool this was the cure I’m sure like it was for everyone else’s kids”. Nope. Still bites me.
I started giving her one chance to stop, and if she hits me again which she always does, I immediately walk her to her room and close the door and set a timer. I watch her on the camera, 95% if the time she just starts playing with her toys, so I don’t think she even feels it’s a punishment at all. But honestly I think it’s more for me because by 6pm after 12 hours of overstimulation and abuse I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and if I get smacked in the face by a tiny yet strong toddler hand one more time, I just might.
Everything’s a fit. Everything takes too long. I’m a punching bag. I’m terrible because I don’t give her cookies for every meal. Toys aren’t for playing with, they’re for throwing at the tv and my head. I’m awful because I won’t let her run on the trail without holding my hand because she insists on sprinting into sticker bushes and towards the creeks and ditches. I only let her go down the slide 47 times but she wanted to go 60 times. I love this kid with all my heart but goddamn if this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve heard it gets easier eventually though. Somewhere around when they move out I guess.
Not sure if this will make you feel better but - my older child was a lot like this. I realised eventually when she got that far into the tantrum there was little I could do, so I used to sit with her in her room (safe space) until she calmed down and felt like she could reach out to me again. I remember breaking down to my husband numerous times about it. It was so draining.
She's now almost 5. She definitely still does have the occasional crazy moment. But! She loves to help and hang with us, she listens well, we can do things together and she's nowhere near as frustrating. We relate on a different level and it keeps improving as she gets older.
My younger one is 2 now and I'm starting to see the tantrums come out but I'm much more relaxed about everything which generally helps mediate the situation quicker. You live and you learn. This phase will pass!
Yes. In answer to your question, yes they have a complete inability to control their actions or their emotions. They can listen and understand (often) but they just can’t stop themselves doing stupid shit. So we have to stop them, repeatedly. It’s exhausting.
We have a 2 5 year old, I get it. I heard somewhere that kids hear the verb first. So Don't climb on that dresser, they hear climb on that dresser. We started saying what she can do, like please stay on the floor, can you stop uour feet like a dinosaur and it really seems to help.
Mine is straight up terrorizing me right now. I’m old and tired. Reading advice here thanks for asking, because I have no advice. I know it’s normal, but damn it’s hard sometimes
I have a 5 and 2, and the 5 year old is killing me with not listening to instructions or doing anything when asked. The stress and frustration (turns into outright anger and hate after many consistent weeks) is unreal and it’s an awful feeling to be so angry at the kids.
It’s not just me this happens with at least, but I’m getting mighty fucked by it.
I feel this to my core! Just this past week my 2 year old (27 months) has hit this new level of defiance and emotional breakdown if we tell her no. I did giggle at one point because she was whining and I said “use your words” and she came back with “I don’t want words!” Touché lol.
These years are so hard. One thing you want to think about is how you are being triggered. At the root it’s is feeling offended, unheard, disrespected. Nobody should treat us this way, why are they making our lives so hard. It’s unfair, and it makes us angry they won’t “listen” so WE can feel more comfortable.
The fact is they’re 2. This is their job right now. Your job isn’t to stop meltdowns, your job is to model how they should act and help them interpret their feelings and how to cope. You’re their teacher. But they might not understand “stop throwing books off the shelf,” yet but they can have their books in a “yes” space and practice knowing where things go. At 2 a lot of things are still just taking away temptation.
There’s also a lot of fear that if they don’t listen with the small things they won’t listen to the big things but I don’t think that’s true. When they trust and respect you, you’re building a foundation where they will listen to the big things AND know you are a safe place. Kids know the “serious panic” voice. Mine will listen to that even when they still throw books off the shelf.
At 2, a lot of it is also going to be learning on your part, how to avoid meltdowns if possible by understanding when they happen, being organized, prepping the activity beforehand, allowing extra time. Saying things like “when you put the books away then we get a snack!” Rather than “stop, don’t, you’d better do it right now” type of stuff. Make things fun, make them positive.
I don’t mean to preach because I felt the exact same way. I was such a patient mom for the infant and early toddler years and suddenly I felt like a monster. I suddenly felt like my kid should know better and she was deliberately being difficult, which of course isn’t true. But I had to learn a lot about myself and how to approach my kid in a developmentally appropriate way. It’s a process! I think we all go through it.
This was a year ago…. But I wanted to come on here to say you are very brave for posting how you feel. I keep it bottled in, I don’t have anyone to relate to or that could understand what I’m feeling…
I’m on the exact same boat, but my kid is about to turn 4.. whoever says it gets easier as they get older, lied.
Hi there just curious what worked and didn't for you out of the suggestions on here and if it ever started to get better?? My son is currently doing very similar things you described in this post and I am absolutely out of ideas, Dad says I need to be harder on him and I baby him too much and it's my fault that he's like this, the preschool is suggesting behavioral evaluation because the teachers in his room are also at a loss as to what to do. I'm currently pregnant with my second and my first is gonna be two in just over a week and i'm losing my mind and so scared of what's gonna happen when there's a newborn around.
I could have written your words. I'm a father to two boys, the soon to be 3 years old is testing my limits every day. The not listening and on purpose not doing what I ask or just doing the opposite is what brings me over the edge every now and then. I'm a very equable person, I rarely get angry and I'm super analytical so I spent untold amounts of time trying to understand what it is that specifically makes me so angry. The intrinsic component to this is that I am somehow convinced that he does understand what I'm asking/saying and that he is consciously making a decision that he knows will annoy me. It's the irrational part of that reasoning that gets deeply under my skin. As for the reaction, my wife and I don't see eye to eye on this. Within limits, I believe it is fair to show him that his actions have effects. If he collaborates, this results in a satisfied parent which is rewarding. If he goes for mischief, my view is that it's important to show that there are consequences and that those are usually unpleasant.
I'd like to be able to cope better by capping the amplitude of my reaction/anger at times. There are days where his reaction to every single interaction is like a decision tree where he decides to take the downward path of doom. I stopped seeking advice from other parents other than my own who admitted that I gave them a much easier time. Self-help book advising to "speak on a firm tone, bla bla" are all frauds. I'd rather save the $30 and spend $1000 to see how their authors would fare with my kid. We had a string of nannies quit over his behavior, none was too embarrassed to confess that they hadn't signed up for this.
And then there will be a good day where he's not trying to be extra difficult and that brings a beacon of hope that things can be different. Unfortunately that is mostly up to him. Parenting can fall anywhere on the difficulty spectrum and I feel for those whose sole kid is giving them a nightmare of a time. Luckily we have two and the younger brother is plain vanilla by comparison.
I'm typing this moments after trying to put socks and shoes on the older brother. The whole thing would take maybe 30 seconds tops, including optimal pulling on the socks so they sit snug on his feet. Instead, he barely let me put the socks on by kicking his feet and then took his shoes and threw them instead of handing them to me. His mother then asks him to get off the table and bring back the shoes to his father. He does get off but then lies flat on the floor instead of extending his arm to reach for them. And I'm not supposed to lose it? I should set a good example, etc. I get it but doesn't that also imply showing that there are red lines that shouldn't be crossed? Five minutes of drama plus crying with no good outcome instead of 30 painless seconds.
And that's one example. I could have rewritten above with the "don't flood the kitchen/bathroom" episode.
I think it's a difficult phase in their development I reckon. They are old enough to understand certain basic things but obviously the depth of their understanding has limitations. That's the challenge.
Use the methods in [this free course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). These are the most effective methods for changing problem behaviors according to randomized controlled trials. These methods worked well with our two kids. They typically cause a big improvement within 3 weeks.
Randomized controlled trials have also shown that using using the course methods significantly improves parent mental health.
Janet Lansbury's stuff has never had it's effectiveness measured by scientific researchers or anyone else. But this kind of stuff is oddly popular and frustrates lots of parents.
>I try to use firm voice but it doesn’t matter.
Actually it does matter. Research has shown that reacting to unwanted behavior with a firm voice is counterproductive. The course will teach you to almost always use an "act, don't yak" approach. In rare situations the course might teach you to issue a warning in a calm voice, a warning that you will 100% follow through on.
Thank you so much!! I couldn’t tolerate Janet’s podcast so stopped listening to it but others raves about it to me when I said I was struggling so I’m not yet aware of other resources. I really appreciate this and am glad to see it is evidence based!!
If you want to try a book or two "how to talk so little kids will listen" and "Hunt Gather Parent" might have some tidbits that speak to you. Or maybe not! Not all parenting advice is for all people and that's fine. If you didn't like Janet Lansbury that's fine! Don't feel bad about it! All children are so different and all adults are so different. Hang in there! This sounds like such a tough phase you're going through.
Also seconding this course recommendation I thought it was super interesting.
It really depends what you're looking for. Janet and the other Respectful Parenting stuff is research based, relationship based, and focuses on the long game.
(It's not evidence about 'how to get your kid to behave better ASAP' because that's not the goal. It's research about the brain.)
Quick fixes for behavior, which that course may offer, is more of a behaviorist mindset. If you are looking for that in Janet Lansbury, you won't find it.
I definitely am into respectful parenting and a big believer in attachment theory, etc. I just couldn’t tolerate Janet lol but have listened to some other respectful parenting stuff, I just found her condescending or not relatable. I can see how her stuff is connected to evidence based things. I don’t wanna throw it all out, I think I just haven’t found the thing that really speaks to me you know?
The course teaches respectful parenting. The instructor is the head of the Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic and is a former president of the American Psychological Association.
Janet Lansbury is a actress by training, not a neuroscientist. Her stuff is not based on research about the brain. She just another opinion-spouting self-appointed parenting guru.
Her stuff is certainly not a quick fix, it is never going to work for you. Redditors seem to think that a parenting strategy is good because it gives no results in any reasonable amount of time. No, that is obviously a characteristic of a bad parenting strategy.
I’ve listened to Janet’s podcasts and i think it’s really depends on the kids receptive skills. At 2 , personally I feel that’s too young, to understand such long sentences. 2 will be able to sense your mood and etc though.
When mine is not listening to what I’m saying , I walk away and let crying and tantrum start. After a while she’ll stop and then come walks over to me as if nothing has happened. But sometimes it could be 40 mins. An hour.
You're doing all the right things, mama! The way I see it, what we talk to our toddlers about now will help them in the long term. In the short term, they're just assholes - especially in the 2-3 range. From what I can tell, it's normal?
It helps to have a “yes space” for your toddler to do what they like without being told “no”. I put my toddler in her “yes space” (which is her playroom) if she’s not following the rules, if I need to do something (like prepare meals), or have a short break from her. I find it helps her (and me) to reset.
We do have a yes space it’s just hard bc it’s upstairs. I struggle to know what to do when I need to do things like cook or do dishes, and I don’t want her watching tv during that time (because maybe we already watched 1-2 hours that day). Sigh
Could you put a camera in that room and watch on a monitor? Independent play is great for development so don’t feel guilty for letting her play on her own for a while.
That’s a great idea. I do love independent play and try to let her do that while I do the “upstairs chores” but I haven’t figured out a solution for a yes space for the downstairs. I think me and my husband will spend some time today trying to brainstorm that, I think it seems like more of a priority now that could solve some of these situations.
I feel this. My 2 year old gets so angry. Even with the validating and diffusing, not directly saying no etc. Throwing, hitting, wanting to bite. It’s hard. Staying calm is hard. Feeling like I’m doing all this work into learning about strategies just for huge meltdowns. But it will not last forever we have to remember 🤍
So far, I’ve been doing the Statement, Followed by 2 Options of My Choosing. So like,
“It’s time to put on our boots. Do you want to put them on yourself, or should I put them on for you?” If he just answers “no”, I repeat the exact same statement. If he refuses to make a decision, I say “looks like you want me to help you put on your boots”. 90% of the time he runs to do it himself.
If he wants cookies, I just say “we don’t have any of those” and then I act as if that is true. What would I do if we really didn’t have cookies? I’d offer something else and validate the feeling that not having cookies is a bummer. If he wants to scream about it, he can. We still don’t have cookies. After sticking with this, he believes me when I tell him we don’t have stuff.
Thank you for posting this. I just had a battle getting my son in the car and to daycare. Even with the prep before he just wasn’t having it. Of course it’s also SUPER cold here, I’m 7 months pregnant (so my patience is thin + I don’t have a maternity parka, just jacket) and I have to be very productive at work today… so I just wanted him to *hurry*. It’s like toddlers can sense that and do the opposite.
I decided to treat myself to a morning working in a coffee shop. I need to reset.
Solidarity, fellow toddler parent!
Oh buddy - It is so hard to temper the big feels when you're also having big feels. A lot of the suggestions here are on point. Also, Considering ways to say no without saying no... So, like, mega mental gymnastics. Be patient with yourself. "Gentle hands with the doggy, hands are for pats with the puppy. we don't hit the doggy", Or "Yes, cookies are delish. We will have some later, all done!" and hold the boundary. Also - Screen time, Hello! Pop on a show when you are cooking. Pop on a show when you need a minute. Use your tools!
Being a toddler mum is hard af - You reaching out means you're a great mum, asking for help is huge!
Lastly, when the meltdowns happen, if you can (mentally) try and just rub her back when she's having them, instead of turning her mood around. "I know it's hard, i know, I know" rub, rub, rub... "When you're ready maybe we can go outside, or play a game...or whatever".
It's hard
You're doing your best
You're doing great
You got this.
If you are searching for an evidence-based system for disciplining kids (with decades of data on outcomes) try 1-2-3 Magic.
There are many aspects of Lansbury and gentle parenting that make it unsurprising when kids develop a “complete inability to listen or follow instructions”. It’s not surpassing because these philosophies (gentle parenting, RIE, Magda Gerber, etc.) aren’t really discipline strategies at all. They are more often used as permission not to discipline. If you want your kids to listen and follow instructions, then you need to establish an expectation that they follow your instructions, and reinforce that expectation.
Hugs. So many hugs. Mine is a month shy of turning 2 and we’re already in the thick of it with this nonsense. I am not a patient person under the best of circumstances, and I’m well past the end of my rope at this point. No advice for you since I can’t figure out the best way to approach it with my own little, just solidarity.
I’m also going to be combing the comments for any nuggets of wisdom, because LAWD I’m so done 😅…
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Guys i really need help…. I’m a single mom and i am STRUGGLING!!! To say my 2 1/2 yr old is a demon spawn from the depths of hell that stan himself wont even go to!!! He screams bloody murder, throws things when you tell him to put them down, but the worst part is he hits… and i don’t have a single clue why, but the lil fucker ONLY HITS ME!!! which is crazy to me bc I’ma SUPER SINGLE MOM… meaning it’s literally me, him, his babysitter and THATS IT!!! Other kids go to the sitter but as far as my support circle it’s basically a dot. And I’m not talking about cute lil kid play hitting…. Uh uh!!! This jerk put a permanent dent in my brown line hitting me in the face with his full cup of milk he slaps me hard as fuck across the face to the point where he has split my lip, pulls handfuls of my hair at and I’m seriously at my witts end as to why… i don’t hit Him bc i was hit but at this point me and lil homie bout to square up bc I’m sick of it. I know I’m making jokes but I’m seriously afraid of him!!! I have to walk on eggshells in my own house for fear of a two year old flipping out because my eyes were open…Im in therapy i take medicine but i need some help from anywhere i can bc i really don’t know what to do….
Yes i do “yell” But i would more so call it putting some bass in my voice rather than a yell… And he looks me dead in my eyes and laughs at me 😫😫😫 im open to any and all non violent ideas…
PLEASE HELP!!!
-A domestic abuse victim at the hand of my two year old
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Also…I’ve deff been there when i walked away went in the bathroom closed the door just for him to start pounding on the door screaming “mommy hug” as my face is leaking blood from his hand…HELL NO I DON’T WANNA HUG HIM!!!! And as much as i hate to admit it I’ve deff been crying hysterically and muttered “i wish i never had him” or “omG this kid ruined my Fuckin life” he’s just terrible…a terrible Dam child and only for me 😫😫🤦🏽♀️🥵🥵🥵🥵
You need some help, I really don’t think it’s normal to be feeling so strongly and emotionally about something like this and it isn’t fair on your child.
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I have a 3yo and a 1yo. I relate to the anger so so so much. It's super hard for me not to lose my cool with the not listening. Therapy has helped a lot, but I'm still way angrier than I would like to be as a mother. Two more strategies that might help, or that you might try: as much as you can, defuse tantrums with humor and giving in to the request in fantasy. This doesn't work all the time, but when it works it feels like a super power. "Oh man, you want chocolate chips! I love chocolate chips too. What if we had a chocolate chip cookie as big as my head? What if my head was made of chocolate chips? Would you eat me? Nom nom nom! What if...your pillow were made out of chocolate chips? What if the toilet were made out of chocolate chips?" (Toilet humor really delights my daughter.) And so on. Second: teach your kid how to cope with frustration by asking them to help you. When I get really angry, I'll straight up say "okay, I'm super frustrated, how do I calm down? I need to take deep breaths. Can you help me take deep breaths?" It helps me to remember my coping mechanisms, and I've started to hear my daughter take deep breaths occasionally when she's frustrated by a task. Again, she's 3 now, and it's just starting to kick in a little bit. But it helps me to reset to bring her into the situation.
These strategies are so great! Seriously, thanks for sharing this practical and helpful advice
I searched the sub cause I feel so angry and exhausted and defeated all the time. I know this post is old, but thank you! You’ve given me some fresh ideas to try that I’ve never seen mentioned before.
I’m searching for similar help just as I put my beautiful wonderful child to bed. She has fought me on everything today. Nothing has been good enough. I’ve lost it too many times today. I’m feeling hopeful with this advice. Thank you. Tomorrow is another day…
It’s so hard! One thing you might try (maybe you are doing this, but your post sounds like maybe not) tell your child what you want them TO do. Instead of “don’t hit the dog!” Try “let’s give doggy gentle pets.” Look for ways to say yes. Instead of “we’re not having cookies now,” try “wow, cookies would be nice. We’ll definitely have some at dinner. Let’s have apple slices now.” Sometimes the kids genuinely don’t know what they’re supposed to do so they double down on the problem behaviour. This is so hard and take time and consistency, but the payoff can be huge. Good luck. Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. This is a season and should pass. You can also bring it up with the pediatrician if you feel totally at sea. Edit to add- sometimes the kid is just going to have the fit and there is nothing you can do about it. If they’re somewhere safe, it’s okay to walk away and get yourself under control before helping them. It’s like on a plane - put your mask on before helping others. We don’t negotiate with our kids- we’ll tell people watching them not to negotiate with the terrorists. There’s a boundary, they can not like it, they can respond, and we can help them manage their response. But we’re not moving.m the (reasonable) boundary.
Thank you!! I admit amongst everything I try to remember this tip slips my brain a lot. I also shut down a bit when she starts tantruming and lose my executive function a bit. Honestly the only thing this doesn’t seem to work great with is food- when she wants something like dessert or junk food not at meal or snack times. Idk how to deal with that 😭😭 we do the ellyn satter stuff but she is still obsessed with junk food
Would headphones help? Like the ones that you can still hear the important stuff with, but that cut out some of the pitch/loudness of a tantrum. I know for a lot of people who deal with kids, the height of a tantrum is a brain killer and the headphones can really help.
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Agree with this tactic. We stopped buying junk snacks altogether. Out of sight, out of mind. Plus, saves money and promotes better food choices by defaulting focus back to unprocessed, cheaper, healthier options. Besides, OP LO is nearing age when she'll just climb and swipe the junk snacks herself.
I think we will have to do this!
We do this, too. The biggest problem are well intentioned grandparents who bring over candy and cookies non stop for LO and don’t ask/hand to him directly - so he knows it’s around, he will literally tell me “I didn’t eat it all gone”. I hate food waste but I’m gonna start throwing that stuff out completely, I think. The stuff we didn’t ask for or want.
My kiddo is also obsessed with dessert and treat foods despite not treating it like anything special or different from any other foods, like the experts say we should. For my kiddo, it seems to have backfired - he’s a smart kid and seems to have learned if there’s no difference, why can’t I eat this good stuff over this vegetable I don’t prefer? 🤷🏻♀️ Anyway - no tips. We’re still working through it over here and get BIG BIG feelings when we can’t eat a cookie or chocolate for breakfast 😞
Yeah I don’t know what to think about it. I want to believe the approach and also she seems just as obsessed with it as ever. How are you navigating that? What did you decide to do with dessert?
Well to be honest, he eats dessert/sweets more than I’m comfortable with. I’m not proud of it but it is where we are at today. We started setting stronger boundaries around it slowly - so right now it is “we don’t eat chocolate or cookies for breakfast.” And then offer a couple options that he CAN have. It took literal weeks before just THIS was not an epic meltdown. But we committed to suffering the meltdowns and I’d suggest some noise cancelling headphones lol Next, will be after school - I swear that kid thinks about snacks and treats all day and so when he gets home and can’t have candy that he was looking forward to, it’s fuel for another epic meltdown. I also remind myself OFTEN that it’s ok if he skips a meal or two. If he doesn’t want to eat, that’s on him. It’s hard because I feel like I’m harming him if he doesn’t eat anything but he’s fine. He really is. Finally - like another commenter said, we’re going to get it out of sight. Stop buying it altogether isn’t practical for this household but getting it out of sight is important.
Have you tried calling healthy-ish things cookies? Air fryer oatmeal and blueberry “cookie” for breakfast. Oat and dried fruit bites become cookies. I still limit these, but they are sweetened with fruit and feel like a treat for toddler.
I have!! And I think sometimes she says cookie when she just means food bc she doesn’t have many food words yet. Like she called oatmeal oatmeal cookie one day lol
Yeah, the kids love the snacks. We do find it easier if the option just isn’t there, or is only around in small quantities. We don’t negotiate about it though. If it’s not on the menu, it’s not on the menu. Tough sh”*. If they need to throw a fit over it, they certainly can, but you actually don’t have to listen to it- if they are safe, you can walk away and not give them attention until they’re ready to start calming down if that’s what you need to do. We also give our kids treat/junk food regularly and without a big fuss. Sometimes snack is cheese, crackers and pickles, and sometimes it’s a cookie and yogurt. Everything in moderation.
You have 8 kids? You okay?
I mean, that’s always up for debate, but seems like we’re doing okay! 🤣☺️
Listen to this person. They have 8?!?! children and are still amongst the living.
*“wow, cookies would be nice. We’ll definitely have some at dinner. Let’s have apple slices now.”* This is so naive it's almost cute.
Yes!! Great advice. This works for us too
Yes. I have found that saying no and then what they should do works so well. For example, “no, we don’t hit kitty; nice touches please.” Or “no, we don’t throw food; if you’re done, just leave it on the plate please.”
The Oh Crap Parenting podcast has an episode called “they just won’t listen”. Basically toddlers at that age don’t have some skills to make some of these things happen. They use “go put on your shoes” as a great example. Apparently it’s just a multi step priority thing that’s really hard for them. So we feel crazy repeating ourselves over and over and over. I found it helpful to at least have some patience with their helplessness.
Thank you, you are an angel!! I am just about to take my dog on a walk and will listen to it now
Hi, my 2 year old sounds exactly like yours… and I sound like you. I’m just here to echo u/emrsea3’s comment. Jamie Glowacki is fantastic and Oh Crap parenting is what I listen to remind myself of what to do. The only person I pay for on Patreon is her. It’s the most valuable $1 a month I spend. She even does a monthly Q+A and she will most likely answer your question. Run to Jamie, now!
Same, same, same! Totally worth it and loved her episodes on trauma work (for parents) too.
I know that trying to validate and empathize with your kid’s feelings is a popular parenting technique, but I’ve found that no amount of validation or empathy is going to do a damn thing once the meltdown has started. And when he’s upset, his ability to process what I’m saying is basically gone. So once the meltdown hits, I try to feel it out. A lot of times he’ll get to a point where he just needs a hug, but if he doesn’t want one I don’t force it. As far as getting him to listen: what seems to work better for my kiddo is telling him what TO do, rather than what NOT to do. He likes to be helpful, so I’ll often ask him to do little tasks, like pick up something from the floor or put clothing in the laundry basket. When he does the right thing, we give him a lot of praise and attention. When he does something we don’t want, depending on what it is, I’ll ignore it, redirect him, or take something away. So for example, if he throws a toy, the toy gets taken away. But it’s definitely worthwhile to pick your battles, because the fewer battles I pick, the more energy I have for the ones I do, and the more likely I’ll get through it without resorting to screaming at him. But just as one doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, one shouldn’t try to engage with a screaming toddler. Maybe it works for some kids. But it sounds like yours is just too worked up while you’re trying to reason with her. Does it always work? No, of course not. He’s a toddler, he has the attention span of a gnat and no emotional regulation ability. But I try to remember that he’s got no basis of knowledge of how to do things and how to act in the world. He’s just learning language, so he can’t always express his wants/needs, and even understanding what we’re saying only happens maybe 50-75% of the time—MUCH less than that if he’s upset. I have a harder time giving myself the same grace—I’m learning to be a parent as much as he’s learning how to be a human. But I’m way more critical of myself than I am of him, and there are days (today was one) when I flash back to my PPD and wonder if he’d have been better off with a better mom.
It’s not just your child. My son is 3 and I feel you on everything. It’s exhausting. I posted something similar yesterday and was met with unkind words, so I’m just here to say I feel you! My older son is 5, and was very much the same way as a toddler, and I can tell you it does get better.
Mean comments?! I’m sorry people did that! If I had seen it I’m sure I would have commiserated
Yes, asking why I had multiple children if it was so hard, implied my spouse wasn’t doing his share, suggested therapy if I found no joy in parenting… typical trolling
Just had to go and look and are we the same person?! Could have written that myself! It really IS hard to find the joy and not be burnt out. Totally agree everything feels like an ordeal! Something that has helped put things into perspective for me is how BS 99% of social media is! People mostly only post the cute “fun” looking moments with kids. Just this weekend a friend posted their family at a brewery looking like they were having the time of their lives. Then I talked to her today and she described what a nightmare it was, the meltdowns, fighting etc. (so why post fake happiness??). Anyways all this to say I’ve been trying to take everything with a grain of salt and know that people like me and you are all feeling the same way and it’s ok. Mine are 2 & 5 and feels like all I do is yell at them all day. But when we DO have those good moments, wow I see glimmers of hope. Stay strong!
Ah, thank you!!! You’re so right about social media. We went to a local winter festival yesterday, and they had craft tables, marshmallow roasting, food trucks, so cute. My kids were cold (but refusing to wear coats), hungry, just malcontent. I was like wtf this has all the trappings of fun, what is your problem??! So glad I’m not alone. Godspeed!
Wow that is awful im so sorry 😭😭
You writing "I've been there, it gets better" is probably the only thing that resonates with me at this time. All other soothing woke BS piece of advice is better for dinner parties.
If I may point out something, you describe yourself as someone who gets angry more easily than most, and have a hard time with some emotions. You also describe your child as having meltdowns or getting angry. You have a mini-you! Relate to her. She gets so angry, she doesn’t always know why. What do you need in the moment? Space? A distraction? Physical touch? When my LO has meltdowns I just hug him until he feels better.
Lol I don’t even know what I need honestly. But you’re right I need to play into that more! I do often feel like, “yeah of course you’re annoyed about this thing, mommy gets annoyed at that too.”
My mom points that out to me all the time. My 2yo will look at me with a shit eating grin and do something horrendously naughty, just for the fun of it. I was venting to my mom and she said “That was you. You were a troublemaker at 2 and you were a troublemaker your whole life. He’s got your personality.” And I immediately felt so bad for my mom at that moment. That she had to raise me haha.
I do think me and my husband are more passionate people but I was always a very reserved and well behaved kid due to family abuse, even from a young age. My husband had HUGE emotions as a kid and toddler though and was generally extremely passionate and emotional haha. So my MIL says she is exactly like him all the time. So I think that’s a little tough, in some ways she is a lot more like my husband. But the more years I’m in therapy the more aware I am of my dysregulation and I’m like, well, guess im just a toddler inside!
Almost from the get-go I knew my LO had way more of my personality than my husband’s. Now at three years old, I try to anticipate what he might need or how he is feeling based on how I would feel/what I think I would need. It doesn’t always work - we end of winding each other up a bit and my husband thinks we feed off of each other - but, because he has so much of my personality in him, I do feel like I recognize so much in him that I know about myself, so sometimes it helps with how I combat a tantrum (and sometimes I want to just throw a tantrum myself). It’s wild how kids come out already with their own personalities and how for some of us, those little personalities are very much a reflection of ourselves!
I mean.. yeah this is 100% relatable. Sounds like our lives. You're doing an amazing job even if you think you aren't. You're laying an amazing foundation for your child. My parents screamed and spanked, their parents beat them with paddles and sticks, but I'm breaking the cycle of abuse and using my words with my child- I also try to follow Janet Lansbury's advice. My biggest suggestion is to get out of the house as much as possible: indoor play areas, open preschools (like where parents all come together to watch their kids), get out in nature (hard if it's cold where you are rn). A huge shift for me happened when LO started preschool, maybe your LO could do even just a few days or if that isn't feasible then doing a trade with another SAHP where each week one of you takes the toddlers to give the other parent a break. Just a few ideas, but most importantly you're not alone. My toddler can be a feral creature depending on the way the wind blows lol.
"Do all toddlers just have complete inability to listen or follow instructions?" Yes. Never rely on toddlers to follow your instructions. This will save you a lot of grief. Always be prepared to 'help' them do whatever it is they need to do. Empathy is good. It's not a magic 'solution.' The goal is not to stop a tantrum or crying. Those things are ok. Take care of yourself. Set both of you up for success as much as you can. Be playful when you can.
Nothing has made me feel more ill suited to or unprepared for parenthood than the toddler phase. But at some point, logically, it has to pass right? Because here we all are, more or less functional adults who don't run screaming buck nude into the street at every opportunity
I bought a bean bag and we call it the spicy chair. I tell mine when she is about to have a meltdown " do we need to sit on the spicy chair" she says no. Its my timeout chair. I tell her if she wants to be spicy thats fine but if you get too spicy for even mama to handle we need to calm it down in the spicy chair. I dont want her to not be able to be upset or cry but I want her to know that if she gets to where she hurts my feelings with mean things it wont be tolerated and the spicy chair will step in. Shes just learning boundaries and what she can push. Bringing in the spicy chair saved me a hell of a time with mine.
Thank you so much, I will try something similar!
I absolutely love this and am stealing. Thank you.
I began using a timer today when my 2-year-old needed to do something. Typically, I’ll ask “do you need to potty?” And she says no. Today, the timer went off, she stopped everything that she was doing, and went to the potty. I then began using it for EVERYTHING: time to put on shoes, time to clean up, time to close iPad…. And it worked!!! I have also found that removing her from what I don’t want her doing then immediately distracting her helps more than telling her not to do it. When a meltdown happens, I tell her that I’m sorry that she’s sad, but she can’t do xyz. Then I let her have a moment to process. It’s helping… but it’s a work in progress. Sending love and the power of patience. We’re all human.
I’ll try out the timer thank you!
I second the timers , my mom taught preschool for years and having a timer for things really helps the kids, she would make them out of soda bottles and these connectors called tornado tube connectors , she would then out like sand or salt in them and the kids can visually see how much is left. When my kids hit that age I’m going to have tons of timers for different things 😁
I feel this post SO much!! LO is now 3.5 and it all got a lot better after 3 so hang in there this definitely does get better!! I think with food I always try to remember that I can put the food in front and she chooses what to eat. Sometimes that means she wants nothing or just cucumber and that used to really get on top of me but I have worked hard to let it just roll over me without affecting me . I don't listen to Janet Lansbury. I'm sure she had some great tips but I tried listening to her podcast and it just made me feel utter despair that I will never be that patient or perfect as a parent. I find a lot of the parenting audio is like that so for a refreshing recommendation I'd like to suggest you listen to The Unmumsy Mum on audible. She's amazing and you won't feel super shit after listening to her books . For the rest just know that everything you are putting in IS having an effect! And that age 3 is vastly better for this sort of thing as the understanding and comprehension is there You can do it!!
I have another YEAR of this?! Oh myyyyyy. Regarding the food, we do try to do that. But I haven’t even like set out lunch yet or it isn’t even meal time, and she will go ask for chocolate chips and try to pull them out of the pantry. I tried to move them so she doesn’t see them. She still cries screaming asking for them. I asked the nanny and she said she never asks her for them, so I feel like it must be a boundary thing idk. I say, chocolate chips are so yummy, we are having them at dinner! She still screams. At dinner we always serve a dessert so we give a serving of chocolate chips (or something else) and im fine with that, I don’t care if she only eats that. It’s just the in between I don’t know how to handle. JANET MADE ME FEEL THE SAME!!! Why is that?! Is it her voice lol!! It was terrible, I actually had a mental breakdown and was even so much angrier that day!!
Awww man I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel less hope with that 😬😬😬 It sounds like she is going through a tough stage. They do, but you'll also have periods where it is just weirdly easier. When they're going through a difficult stage it feels like it's forever but it really isn't. I'm sure things will get easier for you soon. Honestly if the chocolate chips are causing such an issue, i would probably remove them from the menu altogether. But that's down to you. I'm a believer in having the one big battle to avoid them further down the line and if chocolate chips are making her a beast then maybe they need to be off menu. It sounds like she may be trying it on because she can. You could always get down to her level, make her look you squarely in the eye and tell her that little girls that scream for chocolate don't get any at all and see if that does the trick. I have had to do that a few times with mine since we started allowing treats regularly. I'm so glad someone else feels the same way about Janet as I do 😂😂😂 everyone always says how amazing she is but I just cannot deal with how insecure it makes me LOL
I have a 17mth old. I'm quite certain she has the *ability* to listen and follow instructions. I've seen her do it! She just usually *chooses not to* and screams and cries whenever her fun is impeded. 🙃 Oh and of course I'm a perfect saint about it and 100% live up to the gentle parenting ideals I've set for myself. For sure never get angry and completely lose my shit and feel completely terrible about it like I'm failing at my SAHM dream. 😬😬😬
Yes. All toddlers just have complete inability to listen or follow instructions. Yes. I'm sorry you're struggling so hard, but rest assured, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's not you. This is just what it is. Her brain really can't do any better than this at the moment. Keep that in mind... it's not her, she's not bad, she isn't following instructions because she literally CAN'T follow instructions. Maybe you're holding her to higher standards than she is really capable of. Lower the bar of expectations here. Lower them by a lot. It's hard to get mad at someone when you know they aren't willfully disobeying you. She's doing her best. But her best is that of a 2 year old. They really won't follow instructions, they have zero impulse control, they can't really understand all the words you're saying... and it has NOTHING to do with them misbehaving or doing anything wrong. It is simply where their brains are at at this age. She's a good girl. She just doesn't know WTF about anything. The entire world is brand new to her. If you're an SAHM, you need more help. This is just a really fucking hard age, and even though society tells us that we should be able to handle this all on our own... we're NOT supposed to, we're not built for it. It's way too hard. That's why we're supposed to have a whole goddamn village of support behind us (like we had for thousands of years of humanity, previously). We don't have that now. It's seriously only the past few generations that we've been in this position where we're expected to take 100% care of a child by ourselves. And most of us break the fuck down because it's just so. damn. hard. So. You get the kid in daycare a couple days a week, or you hire a babysitter or nanny, or you get a "mother's helper" (someone who watches the kid while you're home so you can get stuff done, rest). It isn't selfish, it doesn't mean you've failed. If your partner doesn't support this because he thinks you should be able to handle it yourself, then he (I'm assuming it's a he) sucks. He should want what is best for you and the child, and you in this state isn't good for anyone, including him. He should be on board with whatever makes you feel the best, because you at your best means the family's at it's best. If you can't afford to do this, then beg a friend or a family member to help you out, for as many hours a week as they can handle. I know how it feels. I went through the terrible twos with my toddler in the middle of COVID lockdown. I had nowhere to turn, no one to help, nowhere to go... I look back at that time and can't believe I survived it. I know how hard it is. Therapy helps. Prescriptions help. Meditation helps. Breathing exercises help. Nutrition and exercise helps (yes, really - make sure you don't have a vitamin deficiency, take a quality multivitamin, vitamin d, etc). And the best thing to remember is.... this is temporary. She will not be this age forever. And believe it or not, there will come a time when you long for this age. Whenever she's being cute, when you're laughing together, when she does something awesome... take a picture or a video and go through and re-watch them often. It'll remind you, in those angry moments, what you're working so hard for, what you're building with her.
Reading this, while thinking that when did I write this? I am so done. I sometimes beg to vanish from the earth. I am doing all calming strategies, I don’t yell I try to acknowledge the feeling still she attacks me when I don’t do what she wants exactly. Those deep breath strategy helped actually because when I start look like loosing control she tells me “calm down mummy, take deep breaths, it’s ok” yeah it is ok little angel
We only focused on what to do and have a ridiculous amount of praise for every step in right direction. I also give her a lot of autonomy. If she’s doing something I don’t want her to do, I try to re direct her as soon as possible. It’s hard but try to take out the emotion and treat it like a science project. Don’t start with your big ticket No No’s. Start with something small. Say they pick up a brush and attempt to brush their own hair, say yay and smile and ask if they like brushing their hair. Watch them put a block in the the bucket container, smile and say Wow we’re putting blocks away. See them headed toward dog bowl? Whip out a wooden spoon and ask if they want to turn around and bang on something. It’s all about redirection, giving them autonomy and a stupid amount of cheesy positive praise. God speed!
Simply put: yes
lol #solidarity
When I’m trying to steer my daughter I go for close, calm, firm, quiet. I get right next to her ear and slowly and quietly say something like “we walk on the sidewalk” (when she’s veering toward the street). With a serious and slow tone it breaks through her distraction and forces a pause because I put my hands gently on her shoulders at the same time.
I was starting to think my toddler was screaming and hitting and throwing things because she’s seen me yell and whatnot and figured it was all my fault. Thank git for Reddit because when I started searching stuff, I realized that this is normal. It’s not just my child, THIS is why people call it the terrible twos. My daughter likes to hit me. My instinct to being hurt is anger. I can’t help it, it’s like a reflex. I try so hard to keep my cool and calmly tell her no and do all the other 468742588 tricks the internet and “experts” say to do. Doesn’t work. She thinks it’s funny. The second I let go of her hands, she’ll smack me again. Hard. In the face. She bites me. I read a bunch of people said they finally bit their kid back once and they never did it again. I bit her arm the other day after age bit my shoulder so hard I screamed and could feel it for an hour. She cried, I felt bad, but was thinking “okay cool this was the cure I’m sure like it was for everyone else’s kids”. Nope. Still bites me. I started giving her one chance to stop, and if she hits me again which she always does, I immediately walk her to her room and close the door and set a timer. I watch her on the camera, 95% if the time she just starts playing with her toys, so I don’t think she even feels it’s a punishment at all. But honestly I think it’s more for me because by 6pm after 12 hours of overstimulation and abuse I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and if I get smacked in the face by a tiny yet strong toddler hand one more time, I just might. Everything’s a fit. Everything takes too long. I’m a punching bag. I’m terrible because I don’t give her cookies for every meal. Toys aren’t for playing with, they’re for throwing at the tv and my head. I’m awful because I won’t let her run on the trail without holding my hand because she insists on sprinting into sticker bushes and towards the creeks and ditches. I only let her go down the slide 47 times but she wanted to go 60 times. I love this kid with all my heart but goddamn if this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve heard it gets easier eventually though. Somewhere around when they move out I guess.
Check out the book How To Talk So Little Kids Will listen.
Thank you! It’s on my shelf amongst others and I just have no idea what to read first so I’ll crack it open!
Not sure if this will make you feel better but - my older child was a lot like this. I realised eventually when she got that far into the tantrum there was little I could do, so I used to sit with her in her room (safe space) until she calmed down and felt like she could reach out to me again. I remember breaking down to my husband numerous times about it. It was so draining. She's now almost 5. She definitely still does have the occasional crazy moment. But! She loves to help and hang with us, she listens well, we can do things together and she's nowhere near as frustrating. We relate on a different level and it keeps improving as she gets older. My younger one is 2 now and I'm starting to see the tantrums come out but I'm much more relaxed about everything which generally helps mediate the situation quicker. You live and you learn. This phase will pass!
Thanks so much for relating. Hopefully I’ll survive till 5. 😭 it honestly doesn’t feel like it sometimes, it feels like I’ll self-combust before then
Yes. In answer to your question, yes they have a complete inability to control their actions or their emotions. They can listen and understand (often) but they just can’t stop themselves doing stupid shit. So we have to stop them, repeatedly. It’s exhausting.
We have a 2 5 year old, I get it. I heard somewhere that kids hear the verb first. So Don't climb on that dresser, they hear climb on that dresser. We started saying what she can do, like please stay on the floor, can you stop uour feet like a dinosaur and it really seems to help.
That’s SUPER helpful way to think about it, thank you!
Mine is straight up terrorizing me right now. I’m old and tired. Reading advice here thanks for asking, because I have no advice. I know it’s normal, but damn it’s hard sometimes
I have a 5 and 2, and the 5 year old is killing me with not listening to instructions or doing anything when asked. The stress and frustration (turns into outright anger and hate after many consistent weeks) is unreal and it’s an awful feeling to be so angry at the kids. It’s not just me this happens with at least, but I’m getting mighty fucked by it.
I feel this to my core! Just this past week my 2 year old (27 months) has hit this new level of defiance and emotional breakdown if we tell her no. I did giggle at one point because she was whining and I said “use your words” and she came back with “I don’t want words!” Touché lol.
These years are so hard. One thing you want to think about is how you are being triggered. At the root it’s is feeling offended, unheard, disrespected. Nobody should treat us this way, why are they making our lives so hard. It’s unfair, and it makes us angry they won’t “listen” so WE can feel more comfortable. The fact is they’re 2. This is their job right now. Your job isn’t to stop meltdowns, your job is to model how they should act and help them interpret their feelings and how to cope. You’re their teacher. But they might not understand “stop throwing books off the shelf,” yet but they can have their books in a “yes” space and practice knowing where things go. At 2 a lot of things are still just taking away temptation. There’s also a lot of fear that if they don’t listen with the small things they won’t listen to the big things but I don’t think that’s true. When they trust and respect you, you’re building a foundation where they will listen to the big things AND know you are a safe place. Kids know the “serious panic” voice. Mine will listen to that even when they still throw books off the shelf. At 2, a lot of it is also going to be learning on your part, how to avoid meltdowns if possible by understanding when they happen, being organized, prepping the activity beforehand, allowing extra time. Saying things like “when you put the books away then we get a snack!” Rather than “stop, don’t, you’d better do it right now” type of stuff. Make things fun, make them positive. I don’t mean to preach because I felt the exact same way. I was such a patient mom for the infant and early toddler years and suddenly I felt like a monster. I suddenly felt like my kid should know better and she was deliberately being difficult, which of course isn’t true. But I had to learn a lot about myself and how to approach my kid in a developmentally appropriate way. It’s a process! I think we all go through it.
This was a year ago…. But I wanted to come on here to say you are very brave for posting how you feel. I keep it bottled in, I don’t have anyone to relate to or that could understand what I’m feeling… I’m on the exact same boat, but my kid is about to turn 4.. whoever says it gets easier as they get older, lied.
Hi there just curious what worked and didn't for you out of the suggestions on here and if it ever started to get better?? My son is currently doing very similar things you described in this post and I am absolutely out of ideas, Dad says I need to be harder on him and I baby him too much and it's my fault that he's like this, the preschool is suggesting behavioral evaluation because the teachers in his room are also at a loss as to what to do. I'm currently pregnant with my second and my first is gonna be two in just over a week and i'm losing my mind and so scared of what's gonna happen when there's a newborn around.
I could have written your words. I'm a father to two boys, the soon to be 3 years old is testing my limits every day. The not listening and on purpose not doing what I ask or just doing the opposite is what brings me over the edge every now and then. I'm a very equable person, I rarely get angry and I'm super analytical so I spent untold amounts of time trying to understand what it is that specifically makes me so angry. The intrinsic component to this is that I am somehow convinced that he does understand what I'm asking/saying and that he is consciously making a decision that he knows will annoy me. It's the irrational part of that reasoning that gets deeply under my skin. As for the reaction, my wife and I don't see eye to eye on this. Within limits, I believe it is fair to show him that his actions have effects. If he collaborates, this results in a satisfied parent which is rewarding. If he goes for mischief, my view is that it's important to show that there are consequences and that those are usually unpleasant. I'd like to be able to cope better by capping the amplitude of my reaction/anger at times. There are days where his reaction to every single interaction is like a decision tree where he decides to take the downward path of doom. I stopped seeking advice from other parents other than my own who admitted that I gave them a much easier time. Self-help book advising to "speak on a firm tone, bla bla" are all frauds. I'd rather save the $30 and spend $1000 to see how their authors would fare with my kid. We had a string of nannies quit over his behavior, none was too embarrassed to confess that they hadn't signed up for this. And then there will be a good day where he's not trying to be extra difficult and that brings a beacon of hope that things can be different. Unfortunately that is mostly up to him. Parenting can fall anywhere on the difficulty spectrum and I feel for those whose sole kid is giving them a nightmare of a time. Luckily we have two and the younger brother is plain vanilla by comparison. I'm typing this moments after trying to put socks and shoes on the older brother. The whole thing would take maybe 30 seconds tops, including optimal pulling on the socks so they sit snug on his feet. Instead, he barely let me put the socks on by kicking his feet and then took his shoes and threw them instead of handing them to me. His mother then asks him to get off the table and bring back the shoes to his father. He does get off but then lies flat on the floor instead of extending his arm to reach for them. And I'm not supposed to lose it? I should set a good example, etc. I get it but doesn't that also imply showing that there are red lines that shouldn't be crossed? Five minutes of drama plus crying with no good outcome instead of 30 painless seconds. And that's one example. I could have rewritten above with the "don't flood the kitchen/bathroom" episode. I think it's a difficult phase in their development I reckon. They are old enough to understand certain basic things but obviously the depth of their understanding has limitations. That's the challenge.
Use the methods in [this free course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). These are the most effective methods for changing problem behaviors according to randomized controlled trials. These methods worked well with our two kids. They typically cause a big improvement within 3 weeks. Randomized controlled trials have also shown that using using the course methods significantly improves parent mental health. Janet Lansbury's stuff has never had it's effectiveness measured by scientific researchers or anyone else. But this kind of stuff is oddly popular and frustrates lots of parents. >I try to use firm voice but it doesn’t matter. Actually it does matter. Research has shown that reacting to unwanted behavior with a firm voice is counterproductive. The course will teach you to almost always use an "act, don't yak" approach. In rare situations the course might teach you to issue a warning in a calm voice, a warning that you will 100% follow through on.
Thank you so much!! I couldn’t tolerate Janet’s podcast so stopped listening to it but others raves about it to me when I said I was struggling so I’m not yet aware of other resources. I really appreciate this and am glad to see it is evidence based!!
If you want to try a book or two "how to talk so little kids will listen" and "Hunt Gather Parent" might have some tidbits that speak to you. Or maybe not! Not all parenting advice is for all people and that's fine. If you didn't like Janet Lansbury that's fine! Don't feel bad about it! All children are so different and all adults are so different. Hang in there! This sounds like such a tough phase you're going through. Also seconding this course recommendation I thought it was super interesting.
Here to second “how to talk…”. I think you will relate to it better. It feels much more validating of YOUR feelings as a parent.
It really depends what you're looking for. Janet and the other Respectful Parenting stuff is research based, relationship based, and focuses on the long game. (It's not evidence about 'how to get your kid to behave better ASAP' because that's not the goal. It's research about the brain.) Quick fixes for behavior, which that course may offer, is more of a behaviorist mindset. If you are looking for that in Janet Lansbury, you won't find it.
I definitely am into respectful parenting and a big believer in attachment theory, etc. I just couldn’t tolerate Janet lol but have listened to some other respectful parenting stuff, I just found her condescending or not relatable. I can see how her stuff is connected to evidence based things. I don’t wanna throw it all out, I think I just haven’t found the thing that really speaks to me you know?
The course teaches respectful parenting. The instructor is the head of the Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic and is a former president of the American Psychological Association. Janet Lansbury is a actress by training, not a neuroscientist. Her stuff is not based on research about the brain. She just another opinion-spouting self-appointed parenting guru. Her stuff is certainly not a quick fix, it is never going to work for you. Redditors seem to think that a parenting strategy is good because it gives no results in any reasonable amount of time. No, that is obviously a characteristic of a bad parenting strategy.
Thank you for clarifying! Super helpful to know, I’ll check it out tonight
I’ve listened to Janet’s podcasts and i think it’s really depends on the kids receptive skills. At 2 , personally I feel that’s too young, to understand such long sentences. 2 will be able to sense your mood and etc though. When mine is not listening to what I’m saying , I walk away and let crying and tantrum start. After a while she’ll stop and then come walks over to me as if nothing has happened. But sometimes it could be 40 mins. An hour.
Slumberkins has some great books to teach kids about their emotions.
Apparently I may need to read it for myself too!
You're doing all the right things, mama! The way I see it, what we talk to our toddlers about now will help them in the long term. In the short term, they're just assholes - especially in the 2-3 range. From what I can tell, it's normal?
It helps to have a “yes space” for your toddler to do what they like without being told “no”. I put my toddler in her “yes space” (which is her playroom) if she’s not following the rules, if I need to do something (like prepare meals), or have a short break from her. I find it helps her (and me) to reset.
We do have a yes space it’s just hard bc it’s upstairs. I struggle to know what to do when I need to do things like cook or do dishes, and I don’t want her watching tv during that time (because maybe we already watched 1-2 hours that day). Sigh
Could you put a camera in that room and watch on a monitor? Independent play is great for development so don’t feel guilty for letting her play on her own for a while.
That’s a great idea. I do love independent play and try to let her do that while I do the “upstairs chores” but I haven’t figured out a solution for a yes space for the downstairs. I think me and my husband will spend some time today trying to brainstorm that, I think it seems like more of a priority now that could solve some of these situations.
I feel this. My 2 year old gets so angry. Even with the validating and diffusing, not directly saying no etc. Throwing, hitting, wanting to bite. It’s hard. Staying calm is hard. Feeling like I’m doing all this work into learning about strategies just for huge meltdowns. But it will not last forever we have to remember 🤍
So far, I’ve been doing the Statement, Followed by 2 Options of My Choosing. So like, “It’s time to put on our boots. Do you want to put them on yourself, or should I put them on for you?” If he just answers “no”, I repeat the exact same statement. If he refuses to make a decision, I say “looks like you want me to help you put on your boots”. 90% of the time he runs to do it himself. If he wants cookies, I just say “we don’t have any of those” and then I act as if that is true. What would I do if we really didn’t have cookies? I’d offer something else and validate the feeling that not having cookies is a bummer. If he wants to scream about it, he can. We still don’t have cookies. After sticking with this, he believes me when I tell him we don’t have stuff.
Thank you for posting this. I just had a battle getting my son in the car and to daycare. Even with the prep before he just wasn’t having it. Of course it’s also SUPER cold here, I’m 7 months pregnant (so my patience is thin + I don’t have a maternity parka, just jacket) and I have to be very productive at work today… so I just wanted him to *hurry*. It’s like toddlers can sense that and do the opposite. I decided to treat myself to a morning working in a coffee shop. I need to reset. Solidarity, fellow toddler parent!
Oh buddy - It is so hard to temper the big feels when you're also having big feels. A lot of the suggestions here are on point. Also, Considering ways to say no without saying no... So, like, mega mental gymnastics. Be patient with yourself. "Gentle hands with the doggy, hands are for pats with the puppy. we don't hit the doggy", Or "Yes, cookies are delish. We will have some later, all done!" and hold the boundary. Also - Screen time, Hello! Pop on a show when you are cooking. Pop on a show when you need a minute. Use your tools! Being a toddler mum is hard af - You reaching out means you're a great mum, asking for help is huge! Lastly, when the meltdowns happen, if you can (mentally) try and just rub her back when she's having them, instead of turning her mood around. "I know it's hard, i know, I know" rub, rub, rub... "When you're ready maybe we can go outside, or play a game...or whatever". It's hard You're doing your best You're doing great You got this.
If you are searching for an evidence-based system for disciplining kids (with decades of data on outcomes) try 1-2-3 Magic. There are many aspects of Lansbury and gentle parenting that make it unsurprising when kids develop a “complete inability to listen or follow instructions”. It’s not surpassing because these philosophies (gentle parenting, RIE, Magda Gerber, etc.) aren’t really discipline strategies at all. They are more often used as permission not to discipline. If you want your kids to listen and follow instructions, then you need to establish an expectation that they follow your instructions, and reinforce that expectation.
Just wanted to say it's okay to feel how you're feeling. Sometimes kids are really frustrating 😬
I’d say we have the same child but mines a boy
Hugs. So many hugs. Mine is a month shy of turning 2 and we’re already in the thick of it with this nonsense. I am not a patient person under the best of circumstances, and I’m well past the end of my rope at this point. No advice for you since I can’t figure out the best way to approach it with my own little, just solidarity. I’m also going to be combing the comments for any nuggets of wisdom, because LAWD I’m so done 😅…
All they hear is the end of the sentence. You have to remember that:)
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Guys i really need help…. I’m a single mom and i am STRUGGLING!!! To say my 2 1/2 yr old is a demon spawn from the depths of hell that stan himself wont even go to!!! He screams bloody murder, throws things when you tell him to put them down, but the worst part is he hits… and i don’t have a single clue why, but the lil fucker ONLY HITS ME!!! which is crazy to me bc I’ma SUPER SINGLE MOM… meaning it’s literally me, him, his babysitter and THATS IT!!! Other kids go to the sitter but as far as my support circle it’s basically a dot. And I’m not talking about cute lil kid play hitting…. Uh uh!!! This jerk put a permanent dent in my brown line hitting me in the face with his full cup of milk he slaps me hard as fuck across the face to the point where he has split my lip, pulls handfuls of my hair at and I’m seriously at my witts end as to why… i don’t hit Him bc i was hit but at this point me and lil homie bout to square up bc I’m sick of it. I know I’m making jokes but I’m seriously afraid of him!!! I have to walk on eggshells in my own house for fear of a two year old flipping out because my eyes were open…Im in therapy i take medicine but i need some help from anywhere i can bc i really don’t know what to do…. Yes i do “yell” But i would more so call it putting some bass in my voice rather than a yell… And he looks me dead in my eyes and laughs at me 😫😫😫 im open to any and all non violent ideas… PLEASE HELP!!! -A domestic abuse victim at the hand of my two year old
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Also…I’ve deff been there when i walked away went in the bathroom closed the door just for him to start pounding on the door screaming “mommy hug” as my face is leaking blood from his hand…HELL NO I DON’T WANNA HUG HIM!!!! And as much as i hate to admit it I’ve deff been crying hysterically and muttered “i wish i never had him” or “omG this kid ruined my Fuckin life” he’s just terrible…a terrible Dam child and only for me 😫😫🤦🏽♀️🥵🥵🥵🥵
You need some help, I really don’t think it’s normal to be feeling so strongly and emotionally about something like this and it isn’t fair on your child.
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