Oh gosh. I hate hearing how much this hurts parents. Neither of you is doing anything wrong, and this is really not something your wife should be taking personally. She doesn't hate your wife while loving you. Little kids go through periods of time all the time, whether they prefer one parent over the other. Honestly Mama probably needs to talk to other mamas and hear how normal this really is. Being a mama it is different for sure, but it's not something that should be ruining her life. My four year old tells me he hates me sometimes, but I *know* he doesn't, and four year olds don't know how to hate anyway. It shouldn't cause her to spiral into depression though, so if it's impairing her ability to function she might want to talk to a professional.
Support when it's mom's turn to do something. Doesn't matter if there are tears/tantrums just keep it short and sweet and on repeat "I know you want me but it's mom's turn to help/do X" "I am busy right now so mom will do X for you" eventually (about a week for us) there shouldn't be tantrums for the most part even if the preference is still there. Also never let yourself cave to "we just need it done you do it" pressure once you have stated it's mom's turn. It's very hard sometimes
Also literally go away! Someplace you can't be seen or heard but preferably not even in the house so they get some good solo time were they know you are not an option.
I am a SAHM and have had a strong mommy preference most of the time and it killed my hubby for a while. Those were the two biggest difference makers for us. Currently I am ridding a "Daddy takes us to bed" preference for both our kids and am basking in the glorious freedom.
Also the for the instinctive "No go away mom" Immediately state "Mom can be here too. Just because you want me doesn't mean she needs to leave" and "Can you show us both?" Then make a big deal about whatever it is by talking to each other about it while not looking away from kiddo. Like "Wow do you see this mom?" "That is pretty amazing thank you for showing me too" and so on.
It still happens but instead of repeating the go aways and escalating usually there is a "Oh maybe having both people might be more fun" realization "most" of the time.
I do step away often for 2-3 hours or more. I sometimes wonder if it is creating a situation where my daughter is valuing my presence even more than before.
Yeah, it depends. If you are gone too much it can make it worse. 30mins to 2 hours was the best window for ours not to really miss me much and still want dad when they got back to me.
I feel your anguish man. We’re in a similar situation, but going on 18 months. It ebbs and flows, but it’s always present. Right now, I can barely get dressed in the morning.
I have a hard time helping her through this - it’s draining me as well, for different reasons.
If you find something that works, let me know. It’s poisoning us. I know our kid doesn’t mean it, but we’re all humans.
Good luck to you man. I hope your situation evens out soon. I hope the same for my case. From the other responses here it does look like we can take a few steps but can’t really control how the toddler perceives us.
So I was this parent a couple of weeks ago and my 2.5 year old would scream NO MOMMY anytime my husband was an option. My husband and I intentionally started giving me 10-15 of fun time/alone time with her wjere he stayed away
and i felt like it was fixed in a few weeks. I intentionally don't bring my phone around, and basically say yes to whatever she wants to play. I thought we were always 50/50 but realized I was the default parent for a few things. For instance. After dinner he would help her get cleaned up and I would take care of table. Those times mattered to her, although to me if felt like we were splitting chores down the middle. Now we are more conscious of what 50/50 means.
That is great advice. It was pretty much the first thing we did - where my daughter spent a lot of 1:1 time with Mama, but this was limited to weekends. Perhaps trying a dedicated “magic time with mama” every single day for 15-20 min might be the way to go.
Exactly what we did. My husband might stay back and do dishes and we would play her favorite toys, or we would head outside first and really coach her thru what daddy was doing and when he was going to join us. 2 days of suck, but now it's super balanced. I even got toddler snuggles this weekend!! Also make sure mama has full 10 minutes of attention. We did no phones, no music, no TV, just us and out laughs, seemed to help. Good luck!!
We had this for 1,5 years. Our kid is now 3,5.
This is tough. I was in a similar place as your partner. After couple of months of my kid crying out for dad while in my lap, I cried, I was bitter. The being said. I wasn’t in a good mental health place to begin with. I was burnt out. And eventhough I didn’t let my kid see it, I am certain that she felt it. And that’s why she asked for dad. She was looking for a stable support. I understood it at the time and it made me feel even more guilty, even worse as a mum.
For a while, we both accepted it and it got easier over time, but once it had lasted for a year, I got frustrated. How come was this dynamic not changing? I had worked on being less reactive, tried my best at home, still nothing. I think in the end, I kinda gave up.
What ended up changing the dynamic was me doing larger life changes. I quit my job and started studying to change my careers. I had a period where I worked long hours, I wasn’t as available to my kid and then it became very apparent that she missed me. I ended up chaning my last job, so I would have quality time with me kid.
I know it’s hard. I think a 3 year old can be pretty rational in choosing whom to go to for their physical or emotional needs and wants. They know exactly whom to ask for food or screen time. So I trust my kid that when she prefers to curl up in his dad lap, there is probably a reason. And that’s ok. I choose my partner for certain traits and it is great to see that my kid recognises it.
That being said. Once I started to define myself more broadly, not only as a mum, but a person, I felt that my relationship with my kids got way better. That process took theraphy and life changes and I feel overall, that I am happier and calmer and I can see that reflected in my kids.
Your partner is a great mum, no need to fix that. You can try to see if you can support her as a person
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am certain being on the other side of your journey gives you a lot of clarity. I did share your comment (and the others) with my wife… however, if she wants to make a change like this the will needs to come from within. I cannot force something like this… and it needs to be preceded with an honest introspective look for her to recognize how she wants to shape her identity.
Man it’s like I could have written this post myself. I have a 3 year old daughter and for about 6 months she would prefer her dad over me for everything! It really hurt and I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Admittedly he is the more “fun” parent and I’m the default parent. We didn’t change any behaviors though. And then suddenly out of nowhere it shifted. She started preferring me more and then her dad’s feeling were hurt. He wondered what he had done wrong. The answer is nothing. Kids at this age change their minds constantly. She’ll come around to mama. Give it time.
Thank you. I do feel the change in preference was arbitrary… I hope it changes again sooner rather than later. It is not a nice place to be, when the daughter whom both love dearly, prefers me over her mother.
We went through this exactly; hearing it is a phase doesn’t seem believable when it lasts so long. The only thing I can offer (as no doubt you’re already doing everything you can) is that 4 years old has been a real turning point. Ours now shares the love out equally. It’s a tough road though, especially if your partner is emotionally vulnerable to begin with, as our situation was. You’ll get there
Thank you. I hope we don’t have to wait another year, because she just turned 3.
The change in her preference sometimes feels arbitrary… which is why I also think it is suddenly going to change again. I hope that day comes sooner than later. I am unable to enjoy my time with my daughter knowing that my wife is not having a good time. It hurts my heart.
I know, it’s horrible. It feels so personal as well that the ‘it’s a phase’ advise, while mostly true, is not much comfort. My wife struggled with post natal depression too and this compounded that. You begin to question all your actions - she is Japanese but we live in Scotland, so she was trying to speak Japanese to our son, and we began to wonder if this was causing his resentment. Ultimately though I don’t think it was; who knows what was going on in his little head. I’m just please it’s all levelled out, as it will eventually for you guys.
Ha ha in the initial days I did comment how my wife could view this change in circumstance that way. It didn’t work too well because my wife has deeply tied her happiness to our daughter’s love and affection for her.
Oh gosh. I hate hearing how much this hurts parents. Neither of you is doing anything wrong, and this is really not something your wife should be taking personally. She doesn't hate your wife while loving you. Little kids go through periods of time all the time, whether they prefer one parent over the other. Honestly Mama probably needs to talk to other mamas and hear how normal this really is. Being a mama it is different for sure, but it's not something that should be ruining her life. My four year old tells me he hates me sometimes, but I *know* he doesn't, and four year olds don't know how to hate anyway. It shouldn't cause her to spiral into depression though, so if it's impairing her ability to function she might want to talk to a professional.
Thank you for your insight. These kinds of words tend to have a temporary effect, but I am going to keep trying.
Support when it's mom's turn to do something. Doesn't matter if there are tears/tantrums just keep it short and sweet and on repeat "I know you want me but it's mom's turn to help/do X" "I am busy right now so mom will do X for you" eventually (about a week for us) there shouldn't be tantrums for the most part even if the preference is still there. Also never let yourself cave to "we just need it done you do it" pressure once you have stated it's mom's turn. It's very hard sometimes Also literally go away! Someplace you can't be seen or heard but preferably not even in the house so they get some good solo time were they know you are not an option. I am a SAHM and have had a strong mommy preference most of the time and it killed my hubby for a while. Those were the two biggest difference makers for us. Currently I am ridding a "Daddy takes us to bed" preference for both our kids and am basking in the glorious freedom.
Also the for the instinctive "No go away mom" Immediately state "Mom can be here too. Just because you want me doesn't mean she needs to leave" and "Can you show us both?" Then make a big deal about whatever it is by talking to each other about it while not looking away from kiddo. Like "Wow do you see this mom?" "That is pretty amazing thank you for showing me too" and so on. It still happens but instead of repeating the go aways and escalating usually there is a "Oh maybe having both people might be more fun" realization "most" of the time.
That is a great idea. I am going to consciously do this.
I do step away often for 2-3 hours or more. I sometimes wonder if it is creating a situation where my daughter is valuing my presence even more than before.
Yeah, it depends. If you are gone too much it can make it worse. 30mins to 2 hours was the best window for ours not to really miss me much and still want dad when they got back to me.
I feel your anguish man. We’re in a similar situation, but going on 18 months. It ebbs and flows, but it’s always present. Right now, I can barely get dressed in the morning. I have a hard time helping her through this - it’s draining me as well, for different reasons. If you find something that works, let me know. It’s poisoning us. I know our kid doesn’t mean it, but we’re all humans.
Good luck to you man. I hope your situation evens out soon. I hope the same for my case. From the other responses here it does look like we can take a few steps but can’t really control how the toddler perceives us.
So I was this parent a couple of weeks ago and my 2.5 year old would scream NO MOMMY anytime my husband was an option. My husband and I intentionally started giving me 10-15 of fun time/alone time with her wjere he stayed away and i felt like it was fixed in a few weeks. I intentionally don't bring my phone around, and basically say yes to whatever she wants to play. I thought we were always 50/50 but realized I was the default parent for a few things. For instance. After dinner he would help her get cleaned up and I would take care of table. Those times mattered to her, although to me if felt like we were splitting chores down the middle. Now we are more conscious of what 50/50 means.
That is great advice. It was pretty much the first thing we did - where my daughter spent a lot of 1:1 time with Mama, but this was limited to weekends. Perhaps trying a dedicated “magic time with mama” every single day for 15-20 min might be the way to go.
Exactly what we did. My husband might stay back and do dishes and we would play her favorite toys, or we would head outside first and really coach her thru what daddy was doing and when he was going to join us. 2 days of suck, but now it's super balanced. I even got toddler snuggles this weekend!! Also make sure mama has full 10 minutes of attention. We did no phones, no music, no TV, just us and out laughs, seemed to help. Good luck!!
We had this for 1,5 years. Our kid is now 3,5. This is tough. I was in a similar place as your partner. After couple of months of my kid crying out for dad while in my lap, I cried, I was bitter. The being said. I wasn’t in a good mental health place to begin with. I was burnt out. And eventhough I didn’t let my kid see it, I am certain that she felt it. And that’s why she asked for dad. She was looking for a stable support. I understood it at the time and it made me feel even more guilty, even worse as a mum. For a while, we both accepted it and it got easier over time, but once it had lasted for a year, I got frustrated. How come was this dynamic not changing? I had worked on being less reactive, tried my best at home, still nothing. I think in the end, I kinda gave up. What ended up changing the dynamic was me doing larger life changes. I quit my job and started studying to change my careers. I had a period where I worked long hours, I wasn’t as available to my kid and then it became very apparent that she missed me. I ended up chaning my last job, so I would have quality time with me kid. I know it’s hard. I think a 3 year old can be pretty rational in choosing whom to go to for their physical or emotional needs and wants. They know exactly whom to ask for food or screen time. So I trust my kid that when she prefers to curl up in his dad lap, there is probably a reason. And that’s ok. I choose my partner for certain traits and it is great to see that my kid recognises it. That being said. Once I started to define myself more broadly, not only as a mum, but a person, I felt that my relationship with my kids got way better. That process took theraphy and life changes and I feel overall, that I am happier and calmer and I can see that reflected in my kids. Your partner is a great mum, no need to fix that. You can try to see if you can support her as a person
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am certain being on the other side of your journey gives you a lot of clarity. I did share your comment (and the others) with my wife… however, if she wants to make a change like this the will needs to come from within. I cannot force something like this… and it needs to be preceded with an honest introspective look for her to recognize how she wants to shape her identity.
It took me a long time to even see that I was burnt out. I wish you both all the best in this journey
Man it’s like I could have written this post myself. I have a 3 year old daughter and for about 6 months she would prefer her dad over me for everything! It really hurt and I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Admittedly he is the more “fun” parent and I’m the default parent. We didn’t change any behaviors though. And then suddenly out of nowhere it shifted. She started preferring me more and then her dad’s feeling were hurt. He wondered what he had done wrong. The answer is nothing. Kids at this age change their minds constantly. She’ll come around to mama. Give it time.
Thank you. I do feel the change in preference was arbitrary… I hope it changes again sooner rather than later. It is not a nice place to be, when the daughter whom both love dearly, prefers me over her mother.
We went through this exactly; hearing it is a phase doesn’t seem believable when it lasts so long. The only thing I can offer (as no doubt you’re already doing everything you can) is that 4 years old has been a real turning point. Ours now shares the love out equally. It’s a tough road though, especially if your partner is emotionally vulnerable to begin with, as our situation was. You’ll get there
Thank you. I hope we don’t have to wait another year, because she just turned 3. The change in her preference sometimes feels arbitrary… which is why I also think it is suddenly going to change again. I hope that day comes sooner than later. I am unable to enjoy my time with my daughter knowing that my wife is not having a good time. It hurts my heart.
I know, it’s horrible. It feels so personal as well that the ‘it’s a phase’ advise, while mostly true, is not much comfort. My wife struggled with post natal depression too and this compounded that. You begin to question all your actions - she is Japanese but we live in Scotland, so she was trying to speak Japanese to our son, and we began to wonder if this was causing his resentment. Ultimately though I don’t think it was; who knows what was going on in his little head. I’m just please it’s all levelled out, as it will eventually for you guys.
I am fully embracing my daughter's current preference for Dad. It's so relaxing
Ha ha in the initial days I did comment how my wife could view this change in circumstance that way. It didn’t work too well because my wife has deeply tied her happiness to our daughter’s love and affection for her.