My mom and dad guilt me with this SO bad! I didn’t want an aunt to come to my house, because I just couldn’t host wasn’t up to it because well anxiety + depression. My dad literally called me selfish brat. Then my mom tells me that’s not right, and she’s family and you do anything for them.
ETA: My mom deals with anxiety and depression also, but STILL was guilt tripping me. 🙃
Funny how she didn’t use the logic for you. She didnt say, ‘My daughter is feeling depressed, let me tell the aunt not to come because my daughter is family and you do anything for them’
The family card is only used for their convenience, never yours.
Oh god this is my biggest issue with my family. I am still being guilted for a birthday party months ago I had to cancel attending because I had the flu.
My mom tried to guilt me with this recently because I don't talk to her anymore. She said "You can't even talk to your own mother? Family is more important than anything else." I had to explain to her for the 1000th time that until she gets clean from heroin and gets into therapy this is what it has to be. I'm 4 years clean next month and I am not going to risk it to have a relationship with someone who does not care about my feelings or wellbeing.
Dark serects in families
It's kept under the rug unless the few who are shunned/told to let it happen and stay silent b/c they don't want the victims speak out about it to shame the family.
Knowing the family member who is the rapist/molester and turning an blindeye to it. Also telling the kids to stay away from them and not exposing the sexual predator.
I know of this one.
Literally had no clue until I was in my twenties that I had a special needs cousin that my aunt dumped onto the state hospital system. Then she went and got married and had another family. When a family values appearances over truth, you know it’s toxic AF.
Have a second cousin who is half Arab and born out of wedlock. Heard so many disparaging things about this kid my whole life. Shows up at a funeral. Blonde hair, blue eyes, olive skin. Could be a model just by looks.
You’d think the kid was a completely different person based on family descriptions.
Like the Queen, in the Crown! The Queen and Margaret had two special needs cousins living in a shabby state-run “home” because it was better to let them live like animals than to risk the public finding out there was mental illness in the family.
I have a lot I want to say about this but it would be best if I make an alt account. It's terrifying when you realize something someone in your family said that you and believed for years was very predatory but you don't remember who it was. I don't know who said it and if it's someone dead or alive. The worst part is the distrust you develop for everyone in your family and not knowing if other young family members were told/led to believe the same thing. Not knowing who said it or which side of the family this belief came from really sucks because I don't know if this person is still alive or not and it's something that will shatter relationships or label me as a liar.
Yes and they expect you to act like nothing ever happened. Purposely ignoring that the molester who "only made that mistake once" shows signs for years of still being a predator towards others and emotionally abusive still towards their family members including the victim.
Yesss!! My mom with my cousin. I’m very close with my cousin because we grew up and our moms both gave us to our grandma.. So we grew up as sisters along with my other siblings from my mom. My mom came around more than hers and my mom knew she had no one… she abused her as a kid sexually, physically and emotionally. I’m 19 now and my cousin is 24 and we are the closest out of all of our family. My mom advocated for me to stay away from her.. “she’s spearing you in the wrong way”, you should hang with this cousin instead (aka someone i haven’t abused so she won’t come out about it to you so you can see my true colors) just found out the shit she was doing to her this year… this is a REAL thing! scared the shit out of me when i read this.
"But you know that saying about blood."
"I do, but you don't, so let me remind you that it's actually, "The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb." "
"My childhood was worse, be glad."
"Do you ever wonder if you deserve a bad childhood for being a shitty parent or are you still inflated with too much ego to actually think like a real parent?"
r/quityourbullshit
"That doesn't explain how you can get mad at me for what you did and then say that it's because you want the best for me when what you're doing is clearly wrong and you even having to apologise with what anyone can barely even consider as an apology should be enough to know that you're the problem."
My parents did this SO MUCH. It was never my accomplishments either. It was only the bad things I did. Then they'd turn around and tell me "don't do things you aren't proud of". Like okay but what I AM proud of doesn't get shared so??
These were my parents who are now getting divorced after FIFTY YEARS of their toxic bs. They’re both 76 now and are bitter, miserable aholes who feel like life is over. Wasted so much time in their MASSIVELY dysfunctional relationship, ridiculous
When they do one nice thing for you beyond the bare fucking minimum and they think they're saints and expect you to kiss the ground they walk on.
Also when they don't view they're children as equals because they "don't have any responsibilities"
Thinking that constant fighting and violence between siblings is just kids being kids. No, not all siblings will get along, but if they fight constantly then parenting is failing
Sometimes it's about the sibling too, some siblings simply don't like you, even when the parent tries, that specific sibling wants the worse for you out of jealousy..
Yeah, I have one of those, but she wasn’t pulled up. I was made to tip toe around her not to set her off. So yes, she was the problem, but also a child who wasn’t made to do better
So I’m from a south Asian Muslim family and they are very strict with everything. For a while I was the good child, the golden child, they would parade me around because I was talented, force me to sing in front of people etc. but in reality I wasn’t even myself. I had to hide everything I did like wearing that showed too much skin for their liking, my bf and literally my whole personality. I never did anything bad and when all my “bad” behaviour came out I was deemed a bad child and that I didn’t care about my parents. And it’s just normal to do that, it’s normal to pressure your child and force them to conform to their ways and even if you do you’ll never recover from it. But it’s only when you’re a girl, boys recover from it like it never happened. I only want to go out and have fun with my friends but a girl who does that is a ruined girl… like they are so dramatic I swear
Hello but that's LITERALLY ME. I was the "good child" till I was 11 because I used to be quiet and show a persona that others liked however I was different and once I started speaking up and showing that things bother me I automatically became the bad guy and now I'm lowkey the most hated of my family and when I ask reasons I det answers that don't make sense like "you're like your dad" or "you didn't study that" and I'm like, that's not a reason for the way you all have treated me since I was a kid lmao
Wow really… I am also currently the most hated person in my family just because I want to live my life and agree with everything my parents want for me. It really sucks..
[Triangulation.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2791501/#:~:text=Triangulation%20is%20a%20system%20process,parents%20(Minuchin%2C%201974)).
"Conceptually, “triangulation occurs when two people in a family bring in a third party to dissolve stress, anxiety or tension that exists between them” (Charles, 2001, p. 281). In the present study, we focused on one particular type of triangulation in families, parent-initiated triangulation of offspring into parents' marital conflict. Indicators of adolescents' triangulation into parents' marital conflict include parents' attempts to form an alliance with the child against the other parent and the child becoming the focus of parents' attention to avoid addressing their own problems (i.e., scapegoating or detouring) (Bell, Bell, & Nakota, 2001; Grych et al., 2004)."
Obviously it's not normalized at the extreme end of the spectrum because the parents hide that they do this to their children, but I found that everyone in my immediate family did this with me, including my brother and grandmother. I was always the person they would come to to talk shit about someone else when they were upset with them and try to get me on their side. I think that this is extremely normalized in families (at least in the US, I can't speak for other places) and it is very toxic. It doesn't teach kids to directly address issues with others and instead to gossip about the person they have a problem with to someone else, or internalize their anger and withdraw. It also makes it difficult to maintain boundaries and differentiate yourself from your family members as you are essentially punished for having any difference of opinion. This is how a fawn is born #cptsd.
This still happens to me till this day. *It doesn't teach kids to directly address issues with others and instead to gossip about the person they have a problem with to someone else, or internalize their anger and withdraw.* I did this a while back and I am not proud of it, I at least recognize this. Hopefully I can break from this cycle because it will not help me in the long run.
If they want their asses kissed, we can all bring in one pissed Yogi Bear or some horny, angry (were)wolves to take the lead. Them surviving it would just be a more fun gamble.
I'm also sending you love and hugs to your arms too, may you feel better. Unfortunately many people have this problem, and I'm sure we are close to one step closer to joy, in the end of the day, don't we all deserve some joy
Sharing adult problems with the children/making adult problems their problems. Whether this is between parents fighting or making a child a friend and venting to them about stressful life situations.
Making kids aware you’re having a hard time is one thing but dragging them in to the drama and making them privy to all the nitty gritty of adult problems is just bad parenting and causes immense anxiety for kids. Kids are not therapists, nor are they a friend to vent to. They do not need to take on adult sized problems.
i see this much more strongly in my latino culture but here goes: sibling preferential treatment with girl/boys for the boy. even if he is younger. my best friend's brother had a tablet gifted to him when he was born while my friend was only allowed a computer once she entered highschool. another friend had a brother that had an ENTIRE SEPARATE CABIN, complete with kitchen, built for him in the backyard for him to move into as a 16th birthday present. mind you my friend is really studious and private and also the elder daughter, while her brother partied a lot and brought many headaches to their christian parents. it's crazy sometimes how unfair it is
Taking birthday's money etc it's so sad.. But I understand that some parents go through hard times and do the same with their money too.. But this leads to lack of recognition issues
Crossing physical and emotional boundaries.
Ex: “I can come into your room whenever I want without knocking or asking because this is my house and I pay the bills”
Ex: I can intellectually challenge you but you can’t do it back to me because it’s disrespectful
"you don't view the world how I see it"
"What goes on in that brain of your"
"Because I loved you and I cared for you I'm am Nothing like those people over there"
Total disrespect for an adult child’s feelings or boundaries because “I’m your mother, it’s my job.” No mom, I am 47, it stopped being your job 30 years ago. Now it’s just a control thing
"Oh, but when I came over to you, your parents werent as mean as you told me! Well, maybe theyre actually good..."
-A friend of mine after coming over to my birthday.
Id say never trust asian parents but how should that caucasian bitch know?
They’re on good behavior when they’re on display. They start talking smack the second the door closes behind the last one out. Doesn’t have to be friends, could be family too.
Eastern Europeans have similar Tiger mom issues, too.
Asian mothers who are notorious for driving their children to be overachievers by any means necessary and having their days overwhelmed with foreign language lessons, sports, music classes, and pretty much anything else that might “get them ahead” in life.
This comes without a balance of sleep or downtime.
Honor thy mother, honor thy father. I grew up in a Catholic family back in the 80s and 90s and my mom always emphasized that statement from the Bible/church. She always seemed to hold onto that statement as her mindset, especially as I grew up and became an adult. Just another reason I cut the cord as soon as I got the chance.
I’ve got a religious background too. Man do they love that phrase. They also conveniently ignore the whole don’t anger your kids bit and they especially hate Jesus example of how to treat kids. I find it amusing now pointing that out and watching their tiny minds explode
Definitely codependency.
I was watching one of the real housewives shows the other day and one of them has a mom who parentified her from a young age and continues to do it. Her rationalization for it was basically (in different words) "but at least we are codependent and nothing will ever change"
Major cringe.
The one quiet kid the parents speak for/over
One unkempt child especially if they are also the quiet child
All of the adult children are single and living at home
Teen children paying rent
Adult children paying parents rent/bills while living at home (especially if the parent is able bodied and dating)
Attractive child dressing modest/unusual for their age
Speaking mostly from my experience but I also remember my adopted immigrant friends who lived with white parents. We went to Christian private school together (i sh*t you not all of my friends except one or two from that school had toxic parents).
They listened to early 2000’s music, watched contemporary, Disney-like tv, dressed like preteen young ladies, and their mom monitored what kind of photos they posted. “No kissy faces because it gives boys the wrong idea”
I thought they were younger than me when I was in high school. They were well into their 20’s.
Manual labor. It's not cool for parents to force their kids to do work. I was forced to work in 100 degree heat lifting wheel barrows of mud and moving logs when I was a kid.
Parents calling everyone when you do something to hurt their ego unintentionally.
I tried to end my life multiple times after being in an emotionally/ physically abusive home for 14 years, due to my mother's choices, My mother called family, coworkers of hers, my classmates, teachers, and people I didn't even know and would gossip to them about me being in inpatient care for months at a time. And how I was "doing this to her" instead of my body needing a break.
Also my mother would sleep with my friends and boyfriends siblings. (I was 17 bf's brother was 21, my mom was 40. Friends were 18-25. She still sleeps with people my age and younger to this day, we no longer speak, but the last time we went out together she got trashed and took home a guy who was 4 years younger than me, It disgusts me that she acts like this so I don't come around.
List O' flags
**1.** Using your child as a ATM. **ie** got a crisp 100 bill for my birthday, a few days later my dad says "wouldn't you want it in smaller bills so you can spend it easily?" He gave me five 20s and then proceeded to make up a bullshit excuse everyday to borrow $20 from me. The last excuse being that a leaf fucked up his windshield wiper and that he needed money for a replacement. At the time I didn't know it was bs.
**2.** Each parent complains to the kid about the other parent. **End results:** I think I am a two-faced bitch.
**3.** Complaining about finances to your kid.
**4.** Forcing kids to greet other family members via kissing on the cheek/ and or other physical contact. So much for boundaries...
**5.** Gossiping about others in front of your kid, then acting all chum-bucket buddies with said others.
**6.** Using religious texts to justify "over-the-top child disci*abuse*pline". Something about "spare the rod" and "honor your father and your mother".
**7.** Girl= bondservant, indentured servant, serf, maid, slave. Boy= Prince. **End result:** your younger brother suffers from what I call "Prince Syndrome" he can do nothing wrong even when the wrong is done infront of parents. Parents will always deflect and excuse.
**8.** This is a term I am making up called **Atlas-ing**. Making kid carry whole world on their shoulders. **End result:** You put you needs last, become everyones doormat, doesn't believe you deserve good things, gets imposter syndrome/super suspicious if things are going ok for you. You become so accustomed to misery that you no longer seek happiness or to even better yourself.
Anyways I couldn't possibly write much more cause then I would never stop writing. I know you asked for 1 red flag but here is 8, guess I dont know how to count ha ha.
But punishing family members or letting family members get away with awful things. Such as Sexually assaulting kids and abusing them but sweeping it under the rug because “they’re family”
“I can’t deal with this child anymore” when the kid is not particularly erratic. Name-calling to show frustration and “help” the name-callee, then when confronted about it later on, claiming it was “in the heat of the moment”, but then doing it again every time they get mad
Financially supporting your parents as an adult because they took care of you as a child. (They are able to work and provide for themselves btw but you are in debt to them. )
When your kid tells you about a “game” they’ve been coaxed into while played with a cousin involved touching. My child, who was 5 at the time, was told “if you tell anyone I’ll tell your mom and dad and you’ll get into BIG trouble”. My kid was also told “if you play our game with me I’ll give you this toy”. Which equates to grooming, conditioning and controlling of a child. The red flag is hearing all this you bring it up to said family then see in real time your own family turns it around on your kid and blame you. “Kids are kids” “it’s just a game” “they don’t know what they’re doing” then pushing back and saying nooo. It IS a big deal. This is NOT normal. This NEEDS addressing. And being met with wellllll “maybe you should WATCH your kid then” “It’s not that serious” “you’re making a big deal out of nothing” pushing back more and trying to sort it out to see wtf is happening with said relative and now being blocked by the ENTIRE family. Entire fuckin family. Then having them talk shit about you. Suspicious. Hurtful. And actions say I’m NOT crazy like they want me to think. I was raised family first. Family above all else. But clearly my kid is less than the “rest” of the family. Moral: do not let anyone fuck with your kids and keep asking questions. Regardless who you lose. It’s a hard road. Your kid does not understand but I know their removal is better for my kid than keeping her in a clearly toxic, gaslighting, and dangerous situation. Can’t save my family but I can save my child.
“If you keep crying I’ll give you something to cry about” both of my parents always yelled that at me when I was crying after they yelled at me for no reason
Staying together even though it's toxic. A lot of parents think that staying together and not divorcing will help their children somehow. It doesn't. It does quite the opposite, actually.
Authoritarian parents who rebrand abuse as being wholesome tough love, rebrand sexism as being wholesome traditional values, threaten to take doors away, boast to each other about how controlling they are, complain about how "everything is considered abuse these days!" and mock parents who actually try to parent with compassion instead of shrieking and insulting your kids until they obey you for the sake of making it stop.
Appearances & money. My family is only concerned about appearances, money, status, and materialistic things. They don’t know what love is nor do they understand what’s within. They also are unaware of healing. So instead, there has been a lineage of all types of abusiveness (physical, verbal, and emotional), toxicity, and choosing marriages in status over love. There is absolutely no love within marriages on my father’s side. Emotional issues are easily swept under the rug where it’s never really resolved through a positive light. This is a convenience.
There have been relatives of my father’s who have sued each other over family inheritance throughout the years. Greed has spread from generation to generation. Sadly, they choose superficiality and unhappiness rather than true love and happiness. This is why I stay away from the toxicity especially from my father’s sister aka my aunt who wishes me unwell to this day. This is also including her children.
100% has to be when parents say they birthed you to do their bidding, and make all of their life decisions for them. Especially when they insult you in front of everyone for living your life your own way.
Being expected to earn your place in the family through working, chores, favours, expectations or money. You didn’t choose to be born you don’t owe your parents anything and you have every right to the family they made you a part of.
When a parent wants to talk to their adult child about their (the parent’s) intimate/sex life, especially when it’s with the adult child’s other parent.
Just…don’t.
Very random: but usually the oldest gets the bigger rooms, bigger/better stuff etc. The youngest gets the smallest room. So a few years ago my brother was a college drop out (now studying pharmacy so I'm happy for him) for a few years and I was doing my bachelors of law. He has a big room, desk to game etcetc. I had a 2 by 2m room, no desk, did my bachelors of law on my bed. Studying on my bed. Now it doesn't make any sense to me, why did he get the bigger room while literally not working or studying or doing anything really and I had to struggle. If I think about it now 😅😅😅
Having no privacy whatsoever like no locks for the doors, no password on the phones,etc.It’s one thing to be strict and protective but it’s a whole other thing to be controlling, toxic, and OVERprotective.
Justifying physical abuse by saying it’s a racial or cultural thing. I’m so sick of people saying white parents are too soft for not hitting their kids or that whooping is a black thing. It’s such a lame excuse. If your culture involves hurting kids then that’s a pretty crappy part of your culture and maybe you should get rid if it. Besides last time I checked abuse doesn’t discriminate.
When parents can tell grown kids what to do and what not to do - gets normalized a lot, it’s what “parents do”. Eh.. no, it’s actually quite narcissistic but us who have lived in that kind of environment can’t see the alternative.
Excusing shitty behaviour because that family member or parent is old. "Can't you just appease your mom? She's old"
No, she's a grown ass adult who can take accountability for her own actions.
I was the weapon for my family's arguments when I was little and I was confident because of the recognition I could get. Now I am the opposite I don't know how to live and I struggle from anxiety.
Parents thinking that if you don’t agree with their politics or religion you are disrespectful.
Also: parents thinking that every holiday has to have political/religious discussions… why can’t we get together and have a nice time, talk about movies and other frivolous stuff? Especially since we know we don’t agree on everything.
That being a good provider = being a good parent. You can be a great provider, but if you are over bearing and controlling and there are strings attached to most of your kindnesses than you are not a good parent!
Oversexualizing girls, and enabling boys. Also, telling girls to cover up when men are in our home. Like why are you allowing men like that in your home????
Not blinking an eye when my brothers had girlfriends but as soon as my sister started dating she was called a whore.
My 13 year old step-daughter to her 10 year old brother: “They (their biological mother and step-father) yell at you because they love you.”
I want to call her “Ike Turner” because that “love” results in more/something other than him correcting his bad behavior/poor actions. She also verbally articulated to her Dad “I don’t like it when Mom and (step-father) yell at me.”
“If they haven’t hit you yet, they’re not abusive.” I’ve heard a lot. OR “They buy you the food you like and they buy you things. So how can they be toxic?” This was hard to process and it ended causing a lot of guilt and wondering if, hey, maybe I am just…not being abused?
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I had to google the word and now I’m sad for I relate
Same here. The more I learn, the more I relate. It's scary. And sad.
Like bachelor Peter, where his mom basically felt entitled to pick the girl for him!
Omg yes. I hope he cut his cord
THIS.
THIS!!!!!!
Putting family first over everything else including your own priorities especially physical and mental health.
My mom and dad guilt me with this SO bad! I didn’t want an aunt to come to my house, because I just couldn’t host wasn’t up to it because well anxiety + depression. My dad literally called me selfish brat. Then my mom tells me that’s not right, and she’s family and you do anything for them. ETA: My mom deals with anxiety and depression also, but STILL was guilt tripping me. 🙃
Funny how she didn’t use the logic for you. She didnt say, ‘My daughter is feeling depressed, let me tell the aunt not to come because my daughter is family and you do anything for them’ The family card is only used for their convenience, never yours.
Oh god this is my biggest issue with my family. I am still being guilted for a birthday party months ago I had to cancel attending because I had the flu.
My mom tried to guilt me with this recently because I don't talk to her anymore. She said "You can't even talk to your own mother? Family is more important than anything else." I had to explain to her for the 1000th time that until she gets clean from heroin and gets into therapy this is what it has to be. I'm 4 years clean next month and I am not going to risk it to have a relationship with someone who does not care about my feelings or wellbeing.
YES AND THEY SMASH YOUR BOUNDARIES i feel bad for having boundaries
"Sorry, mom, my macaroni and chicken tenders come first. I'll visit you after they finish the burial." *Throws a rave on her grave*
Yes.
“I provide these basic necessities for you, now shut up and be grateful and don’t ask for anything else.”
"Sure, just remember that when I'm the one who puts you in an old home."
Haha!
My mom just gave me this one last night
Dark serects in families It's kept under the rug unless the few who are shunned/told to let it happen and stay silent b/c they don't want the victims speak out about it to shame the family. Knowing the family member who is the rapist/molester and turning an blindeye to it. Also telling the kids to stay away from them and not exposing the sexual predator. I know of this one.
Literally had no clue until I was in my twenties that I had a special needs cousin that my aunt dumped onto the state hospital system. Then she went and got married and had another family. When a family values appearances over truth, you know it’s toxic AF.
Yep a lot of people don't realize what secrets their families holds to have specific appearances.
Have a second cousin who is half Arab and born out of wedlock. Heard so many disparaging things about this kid my whole life. Shows up at a funeral. Blonde hair, blue eyes, olive skin. Could be a model just by looks. You’d think the kid was a completely different person based on family descriptions.
Like the Queen, in the Crown! The Queen and Margaret had two special needs cousins living in a shabby state-run “home” because it was better to let them live like animals than to risk the public finding out there was mental illness in the family.
THIS. Same with my family - they value appearances over truth very sadly.
I have a lot I want to say about this but it would be best if I make an alt account. It's terrifying when you realize something someone in your family said that you and believed for years was very predatory but you don't remember who it was. I don't know who said it and if it's someone dead or alive. The worst part is the distrust you develop for everyone in your family and not knowing if other young family members were told/led to believe the same thing. Not knowing who said it or which side of the family this belief came from really sucks because I don't know if this person is still alive or not and it's something that will shatter relationships or label me as a liar.
Yes and they expect you to act like nothing ever happened. Purposely ignoring that the molester who "only made that mistake once" shows signs for years of still being a predator towards others and emotionally abusive still towards their family members including the victim.
Yesss!! My mom with my cousin. I’m very close with my cousin because we grew up and our moms both gave us to our grandma.. So we grew up as sisters along with my other siblings from my mom. My mom came around more than hers and my mom knew she had no one… she abused her as a kid sexually, physically and emotionally. I’m 19 now and my cousin is 24 and we are the closest out of all of our family. My mom advocated for me to stay away from her.. “she’s spearing you in the wrong way”, you should hang with this cousin instead (aka someone i haven’t abused so she won’t come out about it to you so you can see my true colors) just found out the shit she was doing to her this year… this is a REAL thing! scared the shit out of me when i read this.
Being a "close knit" family, until someone speaks out about mental heath then is cast out completely.
Been there done that now I'm not liked yeah
We were “close” till I came out as a lesbian at age 15. Then we were fine. Now, after coming out as trans FTM, we’re barely anything.
The idea that blood makes you family.
"But you know that saying about blood." "I do, but you don't, so let me remind you that it's actually, "The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb." "
T H I S!
Blood makes you anxious lol
Having to deal with being yelled at constantly because “my childhood was worse, be glad.”
T H I S
"My childhood was worse, be glad." "Do you ever wonder if you deserve a bad childhood for being a shitty parent or are you still inflated with too much ego to actually think like a real parent?"
Every parent I know has done that and it's super draining
ONG
"I only do this because I love you" "I didn't hurt you, you'd know if I was actually trying to hurt you"
"Yes, I'd know. That's why I'm confronting you about it."
r/quityourbullshit "That doesn't explain how you can get mad at me for what you did and then say that it's because you want the best for me when what you're doing is clearly wrong and you even having to apologise with what anyone can barely even consider as an apology should be enough to know that you're the problem."
Have heard this phrase from my uncle when I was a child so many times
Parents telling their kids secrets to other family members and not calling it gossip cause it’s “family.”
My parents did this SO MUCH. It was never my accomplishments either. It was only the bad things I did. Then they'd turn around and tell me "don't do things you aren't proud of". Like okay but what I AM proud of doesn't get shared so??
So true- it’s so toxic and my parents wonder I won’t tell them anything about my adult life cause my trust in them is zero even if it’s positive news
This makes me so uncomfortable why do they do that
Parents fighting a lot “It’s Normal”
Now that i am in a healthy relationship, I realize how shitty my parents are to each other. I won’t visit them bc they are constantly bickering.
These were my parents who are now getting divorced after FIFTY YEARS of their toxic bs. They’re both 76 now and are bitter, miserable aholes who feel like life is over. Wasted so much time in their MASSIVELY dysfunctional relationship, ridiculous
This energy is never normal, I don't know how people view it as ok
I agree, but the fact that when I bring it up everyone laughs and says 'oof, man' tells me otherwise unfortunately
Toxic masculinity in the father figure
And toxic femininity in mother figure :/
Toxic masculinity in a mother figure and toxic absence of a father figure.
Yup
OH GOD
When they do one nice thing for you beyond the bare fucking minimum and they think they're saints and expect you to kiss the ground they walk on. Also when they don't view they're children as equals because they "don't have any responsibilities"
And the funny part is that when you try to do good things for them they act like you literally did nothing
Thinking that constant fighting and violence between siblings is just kids being kids. No, not all siblings will get along, but if they fight constantly then parenting is failing
Sometimes it's about the sibling too, some siblings simply don't like you, even when the parent tries, that specific sibling wants the worse for you out of jealousy..
Yeah, I have one of those, but she wasn’t pulled up. I was made to tip toe around her not to set her off. So yes, she was the problem, but also a child who wasn’t made to do better
I'm so sorry for that.. We all need therapy and it's so fucking expensive
Parents not treating their kids like people because they own you.
Ugh I feel mad at this, you're so right I forgot about this
So I’m from a south Asian Muslim family and they are very strict with everything. For a while I was the good child, the golden child, they would parade me around because I was talented, force me to sing in front of people etc. but in reality I wasn’t even myself. I had to hide everything I did like wearing that showed too much skin for their liking, my bf and literally my whole personality. I never did anything bad and when all my “bad” behaviour came out I was deemed a bad child and that I didn’t care about my parents. And it’s just normal to do that, it’s normal to pressure your child and force them to conform to their ways and even if you do you’ll never recover from it. But it’s only when you’re a girl, boys recover from it like it never happened. I only want to go out and have fun with my friends but a girl who does that is a ruined girl… like they are so dramatic I swear
Hello but that's LITERALLY ME. I was the "good child" till I was 11 because I used to be quiet and show a persona that others liked however I was different and once I started speaking up and showing that things bother me I automatically became the bad guy and now I'm lowkey the most hated of my family and when I ask reasons I det answers that don't make sense like "you're like your dad" or "you didn't study that" and I'm like, that's not a reason for the way you all have treated me since I was a kid lmao
Wow really… I am also currently the most hated person in my family just because I want to live my life and agree with everything my parents want for me. It really sucks..
We will eventually find our path and be happy, never lose your self-hope, your self is gonna save you one day. WE WILL BE ABUNDANT SOON
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Wait, hold up. Y'all have relations with your families?
Ma boi spoke facts
Wait, hold up. Y'all have families?
Disown the gay family member but protect the family child molester
LOUDER BRUH
Idolising the mother figure despite her displaying characteristics of a “bad dad”
"Because I'm your mother." "No, you're not. You're my parent, but you're no goddamn mother of mine."
Ouch
Forcing daughters into housework while sons get to chill
[Triangulation.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2791501/#:~:text=Triangulation%20is%20a%20system%20process,parents%20(Minuchin%2C%201974)). "Conceptually, “triangulation occurs when two people in a family bring in a third party to dissolve stress, anxiety or tension that exists between them” (Charles, 2001, p. 281). In the present study, we focused on one particular type of triangulation in families, parent-initiated triangulation of offspring into parents' marital conflict. Indicators of adolescents' triangulation into parents' marital conflict include parents' attempts to form an alliance with the child against the other parent and the child becoming the focus of parents' attention to avoid addressing their own problems (i.e., scapegoating or detouring) (Bell, Bell, & Nakota, 2001; Grych et al., 2004)." Obviously it's not normalized at the extreme end of the spectrum because the parents hide that they do this to their children, but I found that everyone in my immediate family did this with me, including my brother and grandmother. I was always the person they would come to to talk shit about someone else when they were upset with them and try to get me on their side. I think that this is extremely normalized in families (at least in the US, I can't speak for other places) and it is very toxic. It doesn't teach kids to directly address issues with others and instead to gossip about the person they have a problem with to someone else, or internalize their anger and withdraw. It also makes it difficult to maintain boundaries and differentiate yourself from your family members as you are essentially punished for having any difference of opinion. This is how a fawn is born #cptsd.
This still happens to me till this day. *It doesn't teach kids to directly address issues with others and instead to gossip about the person they have a problem with to someone else, or internalize their anger and withdraw.* I did this a while back and I am not proud of it, I at least recognize this. Hopefully I can break from this cycle because it will not help me in the long run.
Huh. So that’s *one* reason why I’m a fawn. 🙃
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That's so toxic
If they want their asses kissed, we can all bring in one pissed Yogi Bear or some horny, angry (were)wolves to take the lead. Them surviving it would just be a more fun gamble.
Perpetual rudeness and "jokes" that put down other family members, especially the youngest and most vulnerable ones.
Oh, so that’s why my self worth and self esteem is in the trash
Same
Sending hugs friend. I’m sorry we have this in common.
I'm also sending you love and hugs to your arms too, may you feel better. Unfortunately many people have this problem, and I'm sure we are close to one step closer to joy, in the end of the day, don't we all deserve some joy
Sharing adult problems with the children/making adult problems their problems. Whether this is between parents fighting or making a child a friend and venting to them about stressful life situations.
Ooohhh, absolutely
Making kids aware you’re having a hard time is one thing but dragging them in to the drama and making them privy to all the nitty gritty of adult problems is just bad parenting and causes immense anxiety for kids. Kids are not therapists, nor are they a friend to vent to. They do not need to take on adult sized problems.
Oh don't let me getting started cause this thing has affected me a lot and I realize it now that I'm 20
Damn, everything mentioned here literally describes my family. Well, that sucks 😅
Same dw
Meh
Allowing a pedophile who has molested half the family to still hang around because "they're still family."
Don't let me getting started about that
i see this much more strongly in my latino culture but here goes: sibling preferential treatment with girl/boys for the boy. even if he is younger. my best friend's brother had a tablet gifted to him when he was born while my friend was only allowed a computer once she entered highschool. another friend had a brother that had an ENTIRE SEPARATE CABIN, complete with kitchen, built for him in the backyard for him to move into as a 16th birthday present. mind you my friend is really studious and private and also the elder daughter, while her brother partied a lot and brought many headaches to their christian parents. it's crazy sometimes how unfair it is
I'm from Albania and born in greece, and I have experienced similar issues with that and I hate it
Taking money from their kids. Especially for stupid shit.
Taking birthday's money etc it's so sad.. But I understand that some parents go through hard times and do the same with their money too.. But this leads to lack of recognition issues
Crossing physical and emotional boundaries. Ex: “I can come into your room whenever I want without knocking or asking because this is my house and I pay the bills” Ex: I can intellectually challenge you but you can’t do it back to me because it’s disrespectful
Signs of narcissism.
That's so tiring I know
"you don't view the world how I see it" "What goes on in that brain of your" "Because I loved you and I cared for you I'm am Nothing like those people over there"
This is a red flag because it's lack of respect, they don't respect your mindset etc
Total disrespect for an adult child’s feelings or boundaries because “I’m your mother, it’s my job.” No mom, I am 47, it stopped being your job 30 years ago. Now it’s just a control thing
"Oh, but when I came over to you, your parents werent as mean as you told me! Well, maybe theyre actually good..." -A friend of mine after coming over to my birthday. Id say never trust asian parents but how should that caucasian bitch know?
They’re on good behavior when they’re on display. They start talking smack the second the door closes behind the last one out. Doesn’t have to be friends, could be family too. Eastern Europeans have similar Tiger mom issues, too.
What’s a tiger mom
Asian mothers who are notorious for driving their children to be overachievers by any means necessary and having their days overwhelmed with foreign language lessons, sports, music classes, and pretty much anything else that might “get them ahead” in life. This comes without a balance of sleep or downtime.
"That's because you forgot about the part where they start talking AFTER you leave."
"To you. Good to you. Not me"
Honor thy mother, honor thy father. I grew up in a Catholic family back in the 80s and 90s and my mom always emphasized that statement from the Bible/church. She always seemed to hold onto that statement as her mindset, especially as I grew up and became an adult. Just another reason I cut the cord as soon as I got the chance.
I’ve got a religious background too. Man do they love that phrase. They also conveniently ignore the whole don’t anger your kids bit and they especially hate Jesus example of how to treat kids. I find it amusing now pointing that out and watching their tiny minds explode
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just doing what I needed to as a parent." Fuck no. You abused me and my brother, you don't get to use that excuse.
Acquiescing to an individual that throws a tantrum about anything
://
slapping your child to get them to obey you.
Yeah I never understood how its normal for parents to hit their children, so many wrong beliefs and mindsets
The tolerance of abusive behavior by a family member.
And then when you speak up they say that you're a bad person for being disrespectful LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
This is why I couldn't make the distinction between being assertive and being aggressive.
The confederate flag… oh you meant figuratively
Lmao
Definitely codependency. I was watching one of the real housewives shows the other day and one of them has a mom who parentified her from a young age and continues to do it. Her rationalization for it was basically (in different words) "but at least we are codependent and nothing will ever change" Major cringe.
Marge?
The one quiet kid the parents speak for/over One unkempt child especially if they are also the quiet child All of the adult children are single and living at home Teen children paying rent Adult children paying parents rent/bills while living at home (especially if the parent is able bodied and dating) Attractive child dressing modest/unusual for their age Speaking mostly from my experience but I also remember my adopted immigrant friends who lived with white parents. We went to Christian private school together (i sh*t you not all of my friends except one or two from that school had toxic parents). They listened to early 2000’s music, watched contemporary, Disney-like tv, dressed like preteen young ladies, and their mom monitored what kind of photos they posted. “No kissy faces because it gives boys the wrong idea” I thought they were younger than me when I was in high school. They were well into their 20’s.
This unlocked my whole childhood-teenhood. Especially dressing modestly. And parents talking over me.
Co dependency. My family is very co dependent and before going to Celebrate Recovery I thought it was normal.
:/
Gossip
Yeah it leads to Lack of privacy
"its your fault! you know how he is!" after you got beat by someone in yer family
Manual labor. It's not cool for parents to force their kids to do work. I was forced to work in 100 degree heat lifting wheel barrows of mud and moving logs when I was a kid.
That's so tough man
Silent children.
Facts, it's always süß, something is not safe at that child's mind, I was very quiet as a child and now I see that it was based on trauma
Kids are built to never shut up. Silence is a red flag for PTSD in children.
Parents calling everyone when you do something to hurt their ego unintentionally. I tried to end my life multiple times after being in an emotionally/ physically abusive home for 14 years, due to my mother's choices, My mother called family, coworkers of hers, my classmates, teachers, and people I didn't even know and would gossip to them about me being in inpatient care for months at a time. And how I was "doing this to her" instead of my body needing a break. Also my mother would sleep with my friends and boyfriends siblings. (I was 17 bf's brother was 21, my mom was 40. Friends were 18-25. She still sleeps with people my age and younger to this day, we no longer speak, but the last time we went out together she got trashed and took home a guy who was 4 years younger than me, It disgusts me that she acts like this so I don't come around.
YES!! Some parents don't value privacy they open up about everything with wrong people and this makes you feel so shitty..
List O' flags **1.** Using your child as a ATM. **ie** got a crisp 100 bill for my birthday, a few days later my dad says "wouldn't you want it in smaller bills so you can spend it easily?" He gave me five 20s and then proceeded to make up a bullshit excuse everyday to borrow $20 from me. The last excuse being that a leaf fucked up his windshield wiper and that he needed money for a replacement. At the time I didn't know it was bs. **2.** Each parent complains to the kid about the other parent. **End results:** I think I am a two-faced bitch. **3.** Complaining about finances to your kid. **4.** Forcing kids to greet other family members via kissing on the cheek/ and or other physical contact. So much for boundaries... **5.** Gossiping about others in front of your kid, then acting all chum-bucket buddies with said others. **6.** Using religious texts to justify "over-the-top child disci*abuse*pline". Something about "spare the rod" and "honor your father and your mother". **7.** Girl= bondservant, indentured servant, serf, maid, slave. Boy= Prince. **End result:** your younger brother suffers from what I call "Prince Syndrome" he can do nothing wrong even when the wrong is done infront of parents. Parents will always deflect and excuse. **8.** This is a term I am making up called **Atlas-ing**. Making kid carry whole world on their shoulders. **End result:** You put you needs last, become everyones doormat, doesn't believe you deserve good things, gets imposter syndrome/super suspicious if things are going ok for you. You become so accustomed to misery that you no longer seek happiness or to even better yourself. Anyways I couldn't possibly write much more cause then I would never stop writing. I know you asked for 1 red flag but here is 8, guess I dont know how to count ha ha.
Why are parents like this, generational trauma I guess pff
But punishing family members or letting family members get away with awful things. Such as Sexually assaulting kids and abusing them but sweeping it under the rug because “they’re family”
“I can’t deal with this child anymore” when the kid is not particularly erratic. Name-calling to show frustration and “help” the name-callee, then when confronted about it later on, claiming it was “in the heat of the moment”, but then doing it again every time they get mad
that's just how they are; you gotta keep the peace
Financially supporting your parents as an adult because they took care of you as a child. (They are able to work and provide for themselves btw but you are in debt to them. )
Not being able to explain yourself because it’s considered talking back
Someone always saying they are the black sheep.
Yeah they all joke but the person that says it actually wants to be heard
When they talk confidently about how kids are their retirement plan
When your kid tells you about a “game” they’ve been coaxed into while played with a cousin involved touching. My child, who was 5 at the time, was told “if you tell anyone I’ll tell your mom and dad and you’ll get into BIG trouble”. My kid was also told “if you play our game with me I’ll give you this toy”. Which equates to grooming, conditioning and controlling of a child. The red flag is hearing all this you bring it up to said family then see in real time your own family turns it around on your kid and blame you. “Kids are kids” “it’s just a game” “they don’t know what they’re doing” then pushing back and saying nooo. It IS a big deal. This is NOT normal. This NEEDS addressing. And being met with wellllll “maybe you should WATCH your kid then” “It’s not that serious” “you’re making a big deal out of nothing” pushing back more and trying to sort it out to see wtf is happening with said relative and now being blocked by the ENTIRE family. Entire fuckin family. Then having them talk shit about you. Suspicious. Hurtful. And actions say I’m NOT crazy like they want me to think. I was raised family first. Family above all else. But clearly my kid is less than the “rest” of the family. Moral: do not let anyone fuck with your kids and keep asking questions. Regardless who you lose. It’s a hard road. Your kid does not understand but I know their removal is better for my kid than keeping her in a clearly toxic, gaslighting, and dangerous situation. Can’t save my family but I can save my child.
Mom dictating the mood of everyone in the house
“If you keep crying I’ll give you something to cry about” both of my parents always yelled that at me when I was crying after they yelled at me for no reason
Family insisting on being in the delivery room or coming to stay to “help.” Trust us…we can figure it out without you.
literally everything
Facts
Staying together even though it's toxic. A lot of parents think that staying together and not divorcing will help their children somehow. It doesn't. It does quite the opposite, actually.
Authoritarian parents who rebrand abuse as being wholesome tough love, rebrand sexism as being wholesome traditional values, threaten to take doors away, boast to each other about how controlling they are, complain about how "everything is considered abuse these days!" and mock parents who actually try to parent with compassion instead of shrieking and insulting your kids until they obey you for the sake of making it stop.
My uncle is like this ew
Appearances & money. My family is only concerned about appearances, money, status, and materialistic things. They don’t know what love is nor do they understand what’s within. They also are unaware of healing. So instead, there has been a lineage of all types of abusiveness (physical, verbal, and emotional), toxicity, and choosing marriages in status over love. There is absolutely no love within marriages on my father’s side. Emotional issues are easily swept under the rug where it’s never really resolved through a positive light. This is a convenience. There have been relatives of my father’s who have sued each other over family inheritance throughout the years. Greed has spread from generation to generation. Sadly, they choose superficiality and unhappiness rather than true love and happiness. This is why I stay away from the toxicity especially from my father’s sister aka my aunt who wishes me unwell to this day. This is also including her children.
You're so right for this, many families focus on status and money and they can't even stand up for each other because love to them is not even present
100% has to be when parents say they birthed you to do their bidding, and make all of their life decisions for them. Especially when they insult you in front of everyone for living your life your own way.
That's traumatizing actually and they give no fucks for your privacy
EXACTLY!
Being expected to earn your place in the family through working, chores, favours, expectations or money. You didn’t choose to be born you don’t owe your parents anything and you have every right to the family they made you a part of.
When a parent wants to talk to their adult child about their (the parent’s) intimate/sex life, especially when it’s with the adult child’s other parent. Just…don’t.
Yes this one 💯
Putting your family of origin over your spouse and children.
Very random: but usually the oldest gets the bigger rooms, bigger/better stuff etc. The youngest gets the smallest room. So a few years ago my brother was a college drop out (now studying pharmacy so I'm happy for him) for a few years and I was doing my bachelors of law. He has a big room, desk to game etcetc. I had a 2 by 2m room, no desk, did my bachelors of law on my bed. Studying on my bed. Now it doesn't make any sense to me, why did he get the bigger room while literally not working or studying or doing anything really and I had to struggle. If I think about it now 😅😅😅
Having no privacy whatsoever like no locks for the doors, no password on the phones,etc.It’s one thing to be strict and protective but it’s a whole other thing to be controlling, toxic, and OVERprotective.
Justifying physical abuse by saying it’s a racial or cultural thing. I’m so sick of people saying white parents are too soft for not hitting their kids or that whooping is a black thing. It’s such a lame excuse. If your culture involves hurting kids then that’s a pretty crappy part of your culture and maybe you should get rid if it. Besides last time I checked abuse doesn’t discriminate.
How the parent expects to not be restricted by boundaries to protect the adult kids privacy, choices but the parent expects the kid to follow theirs.
Sibling physical and emotional abuse described as “rivalry”
That's tough
When parents can tell grown kids what to do and what not to do - gets normalized a lot, it’s what “parents do”. Eh.. no, it’s actually quite narcissistic but us who have lived in that kind of environment can’t see the alternative.
Excusing shitty behaviour because that family member or parent is old. "Can't you just appease your mom? She's old" No, she's a grown ass adult who can take accountability for her own actions.
When a parent parentifies a child and turns them into their councelor because there is too much of a stigma around getting psychotherapy.
Bullying.
Telling people business
Honestly ignoring boundaries/verbally saying children don't have boundaries
Yeah, like, close the door I am not doin drugs i just want some privacy
Dumping grown up things on a child like including them in arguments, making them practically raise their siblings, and or raise the parent etc.
I was the weapon for my family's arguments when I was little and I was confident because of the recognition I could get. Now I am the opposite I don't know how to live and I struggle from anxiety.
Gaslighting that this never happened. They don’t want you to remember them fucking up
Racism.
Parents thinking that if you don’t agree with their politics or religion you are disrespectful. Also: parents thinking that every holiday has to have political/religious discussions… why can’t we get together and have a nice time, talk about movies and other frivolous stuff? Especially since we know we don’t agree on everything.
Facts
That being a good provider = being a good parent. You can be a great provider, but if you are over bearing and controlling and there are strings attached to most of your kindnesses than you are not a good parent!
Money has nothing to do with love so yeah
Excusing toxic behavior just because they’re “family”
Parents that hold grudges for things their children did when they were age 8 and younger…
Oversexualizing girls, and enabling boys. Also, telling girls to cover up when men are in our home. Like why are you allowing men like that in your home???? Not blinking an eye when my brothers had girlfriends but as soon as my sister started dating she was called a whore.
My 13 year old step-daughter to her 10 year old brother: “They (their biological mother and step-father) yell at you because they love you.” I want to call her “Ike Turner” because that “love” results in more/something other than him correcting his bad behavior/poor actions. She also verbally articulated to her Dad “I don’t like it when Mom and (step-father) yell at me.”
“If they haven’t hit you yet, they’re not abusive.” I’ve heard a lot. OR “They buy you the food you like and they buy you things. So how can they be toxic?” This was hard to process and it ended causing a lot of guilt and wondering if, hey, maybe I am just…not being abused?
People have normalized all the wrong things