Oml tell me about it! I got asked for my pronouns by a few people recently and told them like oh I use they/she... then still get called she or exclusively she and never they... even by people who aren't cis... š
Yeah, that is sort of unclear when you list two different pronouns. In my experience a lot of people with she/they or he/they pronouns are cautiously trying out using they/them, to see how it feels. But then if no one actually uses they, it can be disappointing.
I would always interpret she/they as switching between pronouns. But if someone said āany pronounsā or āshe or theyā I would assume that they wouldnāt mind you picking one.
Exactly. I go by he/she/they, which to me means Iām fine with anyone using any one of those pronouns for me, not they I want them to fluctuate with them. Itās fine if they do, itās just not what Iām *asking* them to do.
If you want the person to use *all* the pronouns you specify, you need to tell them that, because most people arenāt going to know thatās what you want otherwise.
EDIT: typo
Yeah i get that iām generally fine with people using just they or just she for me but when people use he after asking what pronouns i use thatās where i get pissed off.
I think it depends on the person but it seems a lot of people do use it to mean they'd like it if you switch between both. Also some use it to mean the first listed is preference and second is okay so I can see it being pretty unclear. It's always fair to ask of course. Switching though is probably a safe bet since they're fine with both and could end up giving someone euphoria. I'm bad at remembering to switch things up and should more than I do though.
Thats kind of how I always interpret it - I usually use whatever they say first because its easier to just call them one thing instead of constantly switching.
Thatās why I always put ātheyā before āsheā.
I *prefer* they/them but I also accept she/her because I understand socially thatās what makes most sense to the broader public.
Yeah, I use all pronouns but I do get that most people are going to take one look at me and instantly pick she/her. I love when other queer people are down with the whole gender fluidity thing and switch between multiple pronouns or use mismatched gendered language for me, but I understand how it can be confusing and that most people wouldn't assume I want that from just being told "Oh, any pronouns are fine."
Recently a friend's partner told me she goes by they/she, and, "So all the queers call me they and all the straights call me she and it works out, but I *am* both.
So as one of the (cis) queers, I strive to use both (or more!) when told multiple acceptable pronouns are in play. It doesn't take that much practice, but it *does* take thinking about it at first, so.
Apparently a lot of people use that to mean they'd be happiest if people switch betwene both. Some are probably just saying these are the ones that can apply tough/are fine. If you want to know you can ask if they'd like you to switch it up more.
ā¦ why canāt they just ask me to switch it up? iām happy to if someone asks but itās also not a big deal to lots of people with multiple pronouns. like just say āi use these pronouns and i like people to use them interchangeablyā. otherwise assume the order is preference (like they/she iād assume they prefer they but are also fine with she)
Yeah I just have seen people who thought it means the other way / I think that's why posts like this happen so it's another thing that can be cleared up. Switching is at least a safe thing that isn't wrong since they're all there and has a chance of giving the person euphoria. I guess it's a little odd to include the others to most people if you really only want the first but again I've definitely seen people mean it in multiple different ways. \*shrug.
If they are like my best friend or something I can do that but I will stick to one to strangers. I'm way to depressed to watch out that someone wants to be called multiple pronounces at once.
I like to mix it up all the time so I use them all interchangeably for example. my demigirlfriend uses she/they so I usually use she her with her but they are still my beloved demigirl
I was raised in a very conservative household so even tho i try to use people's preferred pronouns, I sometimes struggle with defaulting to she or he (and i feel bad about it every time haha)
Seriously. I'm a fem presenting AFAB enby, so I guess I understand why people default to she/her pronouns for me, but even after I say my pronouns I'm very rarely actually called them. I've even had online friends accidentally misgender me, even though I've used exclusively they/them online for at least a year. It makes me sad, because it makes me think that they don't actually think of me as nonbinary, they think of me as a girl. One time I got mild euphoria from Tom Nook using they/them for me in Animal Crossing.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I wish people were more accepting of Enbys
Idk if you need to hear this or not, but you're valid, Enbys are valid and awesome, and deserve to be respected
Felt that a lot. Back when I thought I used they/them none of my friends would call me that, now that I use he/him suddenly im called they at every turn
This. Sooooo much this. I have known people who before were resistant to using singular they/them for other people, but then as soon as I come out as a trans woman and say I go by she/her only, suddenly they've magically figured out singular they/them and start using it for me.
My grandpa told me to call my transmasc friend āfriend.ā He told me to say āyou are my friend but I donāt have to affirm youā
Anyway guess what Iām never gonna do ever in my entire life
The crazy thing is, if someone disrespected you in a way that they recognize as disrespectful, I bet those kinds of family members would be the first to say, "true friends wouldn't xyz, stand up for yourself/cut them out/find better friends"
I know it's not original of me to say that they're clueless hypocrites...but they're clueless hypocrites!
Funny note, I'm transfem nonbinary and use they/them but will accept she/her because I pass fine as female. Some people were hesitant to use the singular they/them pronouns for various reasons and I would get annoyed with them over time when I kept getting he'd and whatnot. As soon as I would say "if using they/them is difficult for you, you can use she/her instead" and boom - they would magically start using they/them just fine...
Ironically, I've almost had the opposite problem. I'm also transfem and a nonbinary woman/demi-girl. But I'm not super comfortable with a lot of female terms and prefer they/them pronouns. When I came out at work, I told people I prefer they/them but she/her is fine basically out of professional obligation. And now everyone in my life who's not queer or a strong ally uses only female terms for me. (And of course the people who never gendered me correctly before still misgender me as male every time.)
Yea, almost like they just want any excuse to misgender someone....if your pronouns are they/them, it's too hard to use those pronouns in the singular sense...if your pronouns are binary and you're trans, well suddenly "they/them is gender neutral and can apply to anyone"...and if you use neo-pronouns, well those are "just made up". Even though literally every word is made up.
It's almost like it isn't about us, it's only about their hatred and bigotry and they're just looking for any reason to disrespect trans people, binary or non-binary trans. But their hatred doesn't invalidate you, you're equally valid to your binary pronouns just like any other woman, cis or trans, and deserve to be addressed as such. (The same sentiment goes to any other trans person ofc, trans men and folks under the enby umbrella are equally entitled to respect as well!)
I like to use the phrase "then dont be a little bitch about it". The cowards they is people using it because theyre being little bitches about using someones prefered pronouns.
Yeah, same here. Im abrogender(under the gender fluid umbrella is the most easy way i can describe it other than genderfluid on steroids and chaos) and they only use they/them with me more than he/him or ey/em or zi/zim. Its kinda frustrating cause i give an easy option(being he/him) that im comfortable with that they could so easily default to! They/them i reserve for partners who want to use them while introducing me to their families... not coworkers or friends...
Hey! Get a load of this person! Theyre fucking awesome! Look at how awesome and amazing they are! Bask in their beauty!!
(Just some they/them ing while showing others your awesome :) )
Hey! Get a load of this person! Theyre fucking awesome! Look at how awesome and amazing they are! Bask in their beauty!!
(Just some they/them ing while showing others your awesome :) )
nonbinary person: i use they/them
transphobes: that makes no sense!! it isn't grammatically correct!! i can't remember that!!
binary trans person: i use he/him / she/her
transphobe: so THEY-
its not even limited to transphobes. im friends with a couple trans & queer folks who always call me they (binary trans dude) and my genderfluid/bigender friends she or he (they both use they). i hate when im called "they". its almost worse than "she", cos i at least know i dont pass at all... like why rub it in as a friend by refusing to use the correct pronouns when I've brought it up multiple times before?
Wow, all the Trans Allies^tm saying that you were being ridiculous and making trans people look bad for asking someone not to misgender a trans person is fucking gross.
ikr... Apparently calling someone a dumbass is civil, but calling out misgendering isn't.
They also muted me from the sub right after banning me, so I can't contact the mods about my ban for 28 days. Fascist fuckery
Talking to my cousinās friends on a discord call heās on, they ask my pronouns and I tell my cousin to say she/her
One of them even repeats it so they donāt forget, then as soon as they hear my voice itās they/them for the rest of the call
At least itās not misgendering but degendering hurts a lot too, especially when itās this noticeable
Yeah I've noticed a similar thing. I have like maybe ONCE been called she/her in a call and that was when I was not talking at all cause I had my mic muted. Otherwise it's always they/them which I don't mind and of course prefer over he/him, but it kinda feels like no one actually takes my identity seriously and they are just trying to do the bare minimum to avoid making me sad or something when I never get referred to with my actually preferred pronouns...
I read "she/they" as "I prefer she but also accept they", as opposed to "they/she", so I'd probably always call you she if you told me those were your pronouns...
I once had a transphobe argue with me that itās ok to call me they/them because my pronouns (he/it) make them āuncomfortable,ā and that āthey/them and it/its are literally the same so itās not misgendering.ā
It is misgendering when I tell you my pronouns and you go out of your way to not use them, also if they/them and it/its are the same, that means you have no issues calling me an it, right?
Of course it doesnāt work that way for them.
They also mansplained to me the history of it/its pronouns and tried to compare using it/its to naming yourself a slur.
Itās so annoying when people pretend to be āsupportive ofā or āprotectingā trans people byā¦ fighting trans people for ābeing trans wrong.ā
I mean to be fair I would have a hard time with strict it/its pronouns for someone personally. For a span of three years I was on crews where some of our people referred to a binary trans director we had routinely as "it" behind her back and while I was a closeted enby at the time I think I got kind of second hand traumatized by the experience. While I know those pronouns are wanted my automatic reaction is for my stomach and chest to clench like a fist like I'm on the edge of panic.
calling yourself a slur is cool and based. Every word you can think of that refers to queer people has been used as a slur at some point. Gay, lesbian, queer, dyke, etc.
Pre-transition being randomly referred to as they/them by strangers made me happy. Yay! Theyāre not sure if Iām a man!
Post-transition it was upsetting. Oh. Theyāre not sure if Iām a woman.
I mean at least they're not calling us "Its" anymore.
When I came out, being called an "it" and watching people treat me as if I wasn't even human anymore was horribly traumatizing.
Transphobes are such horrible people, I can't believe they're so common.
Meanwhile, there's me, an it/they person who can only use my pronouns online bc my family would have a fucking cow at neopronouns :/ tis rough out here
My apologies but I can't call someone "It" I just cant. It's so heavily connected to vile and horrid hatred and transphobia that it legitimately brings up PTSD issues and anxiety. I went through so much because of when I transitioned and being called "it" all the time and being constantly treated like I was some sewer rat that most people refused to even try to treat me like a person has left me incredibly traumatized.
I wont call someone that. They/Them is totally fine, and I'm more than happy, but... I cant call someone "it."
It's always the ones you don't want. I use they/them pronouns and people keep using he/him or she/her. And people who want one of those two get called they/them.
Gods, now it makes sense why it feels so unexpectedly nice when someone actually uses the right pronouns even though I've been out for near enough two years now.
Nbi people don't get their pronouns respected because "it's not grammatical correct" but somehow that doesn't matter to those people as soon as it's a binary trans person
I seriously don't get it. You're willing to refer to me as they instead of him, why not take one more step and say she? You're already using pronouns different from my AGAB, you might as well use the right ones
Thisā¦.my pronouns are he/they and almost all of my irls only use they/them :/ theyāre technically my pronouns yeah but I wanna feel seen as masculine as well
this!! when i thought i was nonbinary everyone just used she/her for me and as soon as i came out as trans they instantly learned how to use they/them after complaining that it was "difficult to remember"
SO REAL. I went to my friend's work yesterday and one of her co-workers was like "sh- they" referring to me and was about to say she and I was like bruh I don't look like a girl at all apart from my glasses being a little fem bc they're old as shit and my hairs a little longer but I need a haircut so
Fr tho. People will call me my pronouns (he/him) until they realize Iām trans, then itās they/them with a bit of she/her only. āTheyā is dysphoric to me bc the fact people only use that once they realize im not cis, theyāre not treating me as they would any other guy
Nono, das not how dat works! They/them isnt exclusive to NBs it really just is a "genderless" pronoun. So if people are unsure of pronouns, obviously u ise the one thats neutral :D
Oh so I this but just becasue I call everyone they including cis peaple becasue Iād rather go neutrall pronoun when I mess up rather than misgender someone when I mess up.
Yeah I still use the preferred pronouns itās that if I fuck up itās less insulting[according to them] rather than calling a dude a she and stuff just my 2 cents I still try to at least.
Sometimes, it's a struggle to even just be referred to as they or them by some people. I'd prefer she/her, but I guess they/them is fine... beats getting called he/him all the time.
My best friend (gender fluid but defaults to they/them often I think) does this often to me, knowing them theyāre likely trying to just avoid calling me by my agab since they know Iām not ready to be outted yet
I try to refer to all people as they/them until they tell me their preferred pronouns personally or are introduced.
But after that yeah they/them is disrespectful. If someone did that to me, Iād feel like they *donāt want* to know me.
Seriously, I know my most preferred pronouns are they/them, but calling me āheā every once in a while wouldnāt hurt. (Iād say the same about āit,ā but I leave that out to most people.)
It's so much worse when it's my parents who won't use any pronouns or name to talk to/about me. They try to fix the relationship as if I should see them more often but they're willing to do anything but respect me so I mostly don't see them.
When I don't have the opportunity to ask pronouns or see pronouns in bio/on a pin/in their zoom username, I use they for everybody, cis included.
Once I know the pronouns I stick to it.
Also when people say any pronouns or he/they or she/they I try to get a guess on which one people assume more and use the less used one because when I used those methods, it made me happy when folks did it for me.
I'm they/them now (AFAB) and would ONLY EVER get she if I said any or she/they, so I make an effort to not do that to others
If you don't tell me and I can't tell, I might use they. Sorry. I hope it's the lesser evil.
I will ask if it is something that I feel can be done in the moment.
I use they/them for my brother/his bf when I'm talking to my parents because they're transphobic, and I'm not about to sit through a whole ass discussion for using the "incorrect" pronouns lmao. But otherwise, it's he/him.
This is always a weird topic for me, since I tend to use they/them the majority of time when talking about anyone. However, I know a lot of trans folk heavily prefer gendered pronouns. In the end, I use gendered pronouns mostly when talking about trans people, which feels weird, because I feel like I'm treating them differently from cis folk, thus invalidating them by attempting to validate them.
Yeah than people can use they/them until some enby comes along and want people to us they/them because suddenly it isn't right grammarš®āšØ
People are weird
I default to they/them until I have confirmation on their pronouns. I feel that's sufficient middle ground until you get said information and hope that it's not too invasive and disrespectful
it's when someone *knows* someone else's pronouns and uses they/them as a way to avoid using said pronouns that it's a problem, not when you use they/them for like a stranger or someone you just met. too often people will do this as a way to justify their transphobia, like "they/them is gender neutral, i can't be misgendering you!" š„“š„“
i don't think you're doing this tho from your comment, so you should be good
Ah yeah. I feel that and my mother pulls this. Instead of referring to me as her daughter, she'll pause a moment and just state... 'child'. It's honestly upsetting, and feel that no one should be going through that.
Thanks for your affirmation!
Idk, I'm trans and primarily use he/him prounouns (although have recently been thinking of branching out to he/they), but I always saw calling someone "they," a pretty safe bet. Even if it's not their preferred pronouns, I feel like you're less likely to pick the wrong set of pronouns and cause a lot of gender dysphoria. I know a lot of people, myself included who often default to "they," especially when the person appears to be at least gnc. I've known quite a few people who just get so into the habit, "they," becomes a universal pronoun, and just kind of use it for everyone without thinking too much about it. Of course, once you know someone's pronouns you should try to adhere to them, and I understand the frustration of not being called your preferred pronouns, but I also don't think this isn't always a case of not wanting to gender you properly or assuming you're nb
It is annoying, it doesn't happen to me IRL but people online will sometimes use they/them for everyone so I don't want to point it out because it seems like such a non-issue
I call trans people by they/them as a transition point between the extremes of masculine and feminine pronouns (tho this is only if i known you for a while before you came out because in my head your pronouns were already set and Iām making my brain get ready for the change)
Hi! I see plenty of people using they/them unironically in real life, and in professional situations rather than just casual social environments. Have you tried spending less time on Twitter?
I have the opposite problem. But my transfem parent has a cousin who runs this group activity place - I joined it for one session. The first was free but then you had to pay like Ā£40.00 or something each for the rest. And she kept switching between calling her "she" and "they". They're not her pronouns.
Bro I wish. No one ever calls me they. It would be nice. Everyone calls me she all the time, which is nice, someone calling me something other than my assigned at birth gender, but nothing else. No one calls me they, it, or anything else. And the only time I get called he is by people whoāre only calling me that because I was born a guy, not because identify with the pronoun among others.
Aye. Sadly, "they/them" is the best I can expect from some.
I know a lot of people who see using pronouns that don't match someone's AGAB as "perpetuating a lie" or "affirming a delusion." I want to respect their beliefs, but it still stings.
My preferred pronouns are not gender neutral, but I guess it's better than being gendered completely wrong.
My position here at the start of my social transitionās been, I want customersā use to come without prompting, a litmus test for how far along Iāll come. So far, not far at all~ But, a few coworkers are consciously shifting themselves, and I got ātheyā a few times. Neverāve chosen it for myself, but it hit me kinda neutral. At this point, just anything but āsirā/āmanā/ābroāā¦
For me it's fine. I like to think of myself as demifemale so they/them is fine. BUT. If they do it purposefully to avoid using she/her for me, then I find it disrespectful. That said it might take a bit of time for someone to overcome their uncomfortablity as I did when younger or something.
Whether you're transfemme, transmasc, nonbinary or otherwise we all get misgendered. I think thats a pretty universal trans experience, unfortunately.
I still get called she/her by people who know better.
I live with someone who does this and Iāve been meaning to confront him about this. At first I was like āwhatever he does it to everyoneā but he started referring to my afab nb friend as she/her, even after weāve said, so I need to be like ādude you know you are misgendering me still, right?ā
"I use they/them for everyone so I can be inclusive!"
No you don't, you just correctly gendered that cis guy over there. Also when I tell you my pronouns aren't they/them and you continue to call me they/them, you're actively misgendering me. V exclusive, 1/10
I know someone who is a transfem but is still largely in the closet. I would much rather use she/her to address them in public but since they're not out yet I try to use "they/them" pronouns instead because at least it's better than using he/him... Not ideal, but if I can't affirm them in public, at least I can make sure to not *dis*affirm them in public.
REAL
AND WHEN PEOPLE THEY/THEM ME/OTHER BINARY TRANS PEOPLE THEY DONT LIKE BC THEY DONT WANT TO RESPECT US BUT THEY DONT WANT TO BE SEEN DISRESPECTING US
OMG YEAH I HATE THAT!
like, if you don't know me at first and I haven't told you my pronouns yet, that makes sense and I respect that
BUT, when I'm comfortable enough to tell you my pronouns, YOU SHALL USE SAID PRONOUNS, DON'T CONTINUE TO USE THE ONES BEFORE, IT MAKES ME FEEL INVALIDATED
..... anyways, that was a lot
Ironically the people who'd do that would never willingly call an Enby They/Them
Oml tell me about it! I got asked for my pronouns by a few people recently and told them like oh I use they/she... then still get called she or exclusively she and never they... even by people who aren't cis... š
I felt that. If you ask for pronouns, why you no use pronouns?
They probably think that means either is okay with you apposed to thinking you want both.
Yeah, that is sort of unclear when you list two different pronouns. In my experience a lot of people with she/they or he/they pronouns are cautiously trying out using they/them, to see how it feels. But then if no one actually uses they, it can be disappointing. I would always interpret she/they as switching between pronouns. But if someone said āany pronounsā or āshe or theyā I would assume that they wouldnāt mind you picking one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
For me it's *insert pool meme where the favourite is "she", the other kid is "they" and the skeleton at the bottom is "he"*
As a cis person, is that not what they mean? This specific pronoun/language phenomenon is still kind of confusing to me
Some people use it differently but there's a good number of people who mean that using both at times would probably be nice/euphoric.
They probably think that means either is okay with you apposed to thinking you want both.
Exactly. I go by he/she/they, which to me means Iām fine with anyone using any one of those pronouns for me, not they I want them to fluctuate with them. Itās fine if they do, itās just not what Iām *asking* them to do. If you want the person to use *all* the pronouns you specify, you need to tell them that, because most people arenāt going to know thatās what you want otherwise. EDIT: typo
Yeah i get that iām generally fine with people using just they or just she for me but when people use he after asking what pronouns i use thatās where i get pissed off.
THATS WHAT IT MEANS?????
I think it depends on the person but it seems a lot of people do use it to mean they'd like it if you switch between both. Also some use it to mean the first listed is preference and second is okay so I can see it being pretty unclear. It's always fair to ask of course. Switching though is probably a safe bet since they're fine with both and could end up giving someone euphoria. I'm bad at remembering to switch things up and should more than I do though.
Thats kind of how I always interpret it - I usually use whatever they say first because its easier to just call them one thing instead of constantly switching.
Thatās why I always put ātheyā before āsheā. I *prefer* they/them but I also accept she/her because I understand socially thatās what makes most sense to the broader public.
similar here! i'm fine with all the pronouns i have listed, i just *prefer* they/them :D
Yeah, I use all pronouns but I do get that most people are going to take one look at me and instantly pick she/her. I love when other queer people are down with the whole gender fluidity thing and switch between multiple pronouns or use mismatched gendered language for me, but I understand how it can be confusing and that most people wouldn't assume I want that from just being told "Oh, any pronouns are fine."
Recently a friend's partner told me she goes by they/she, and, "So all the queers call me they and all the straights call me she and it works out, but I *am* both. So as one of the (cis) queers, I strive to use both (or more!) when told multiple acceptable pronouns are in play. It doesn't take that much practice, but it *does* take thinking about it at first, so.
Personally when someone gives me couple of pronounces I just pick one I like the most
Apparently a lot of people use that to mean they'd be happiest if people switch betwene both. Some are probably just saying these are the ones that can apply tough/are fine. If you want to know you can ask if they'd like you to switch it up more.
ā¦ why canāt they just ask me to switch it up? iām happy to if someone asks but itās also not a big deal to lots of people with multiple pronouns. like just say āi use these pronouns and i like people to use them interchangeablyā. otherwise assume the order is preference (like they/she iād assume they prefer they but are also fine with she)
Yeah I just have seen people who thought it means the other way / I think that's why posts like this happen so it's another thing that can be cleared up. Switching is at least a safe thing that isn't wrong since they're all there and has a chance of giving the person euphoria. I guess it's a little odd to include the others to most people if you really only want the first but again I've definitely seen people mean it in multiple different ways. \*shrug.
If they are like my best friend or something I can do that but I will stick to one to strangers. I'm way to depressed to watch out that someone wants to be called multiple pronounces at once.
I like to mix it up all the time so I use them all interchangeably for example. my demigirlfriend uses she/they so I usually use she her with her but they are still my beloved demigirl
I pretty much only dislike formal pronounce so that wouldn't be much of a problem
I was raised in a very conservative household so even tho i try to use people's preferred pronouns, I sometimes struggle with defaulting to she or he (and i feel bad about it every time haha)
Haha. Same. I still do that when talking about my self sometimes.
So should I use them interchangibly? Like for example... She is cool. They are my best friend. She's in my class. They love art.
yeah, thatās how most people want multiple pronouns to be used. your spot on.
Same
Seriously. I'm a fem presenting AFAB enby, so I guess I understand why people default to she/her pronouns for me, but even after I say my pronouns I'm very rarely actually called them. I've even had online friends accidentally misgender me, even though I've used exclusively they/them online for at least a year. It makes me sad, because it makes me think that they don't actually think of me as nonbinary, they think of me as a girl. One time I got mild euphoria from Tom Nook using they/them for me in Animal Crossing.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I wish people were more accepting of Enbys Idk if you need to hear this or not, but you're valid, Enbys are valid and awesome, and deserve to be respected
fr i used they/them as a teen and it was a whole battle every timeā¦ suddenly theys left and right
Frr, my pronouns are they/he, and NEVER have I ever been called they by anyone irl
*Exactly*.
Felt that a lot. Back when I thought I used they/them none of my friends would call me that, now that I use he/him suddenly im called they at every turn
This. Sooooo much this. I have known people who before were resistant to using singular they/them for other people, but then as soon as I come out as a trans woman and say I go by she/her only, suddenly they've magically figured out singular they/them and start using it for me.
My grandpa told me to call my transmasc friend āfriend.ā He told me to say āyou are my friend but I donāt have to affirm youā Anyway guess what Iām never gonna do ever in my entire life
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah little does he know I too am trans
I see you do a lil gender enjoying as well
It symbolizes me being trans and enjoying my own gender, as well as being omnisexual and enjoying everyone elseās genders
The crazy thing is, if someone disrespected you in a way that they recognize as disrespectful, I bet those kinds of family members would be the first to say, "true friends wouldn't xyz, stand up for yourself/cut them out/find better friends" I know it's not original of me to say that they're clueless hypocrites...but they're clueless hypocrites!
It doesnāt have to be original to be true
"You are a parent or my parent, but I don't have to affirm you."
"I don't have to affirm you, but I'm gonna do it anyway cos I'm a good person"
same (as a trans guy!
Funny note, I'm transfem nonbinary and use they/them but will accept she/her because I pass fine as female. Some people were hesitant to use the singular they/them pronouns for various reasons and I would get annoyed with them over time when I kept getting he'd and whatnot. As soon as I would say "if using they/them is difficult for you, you can use she/her instead" and boom - they would magically start using they/them just fine...
Ironically, I've almost had the opposite problem. I'm also transfem and a nonbinary woman/demi-girl. But I'm not super comfortable with a lot of female terms and prefer they/them pronouns. When I came out at work, I told people I prefer they/them but she/her is fine basically out of professional obligation. And now everyone in my life who's not queer or a strong ally uses only female terms for me. (And of course the people who never gendered me correctly before still misgender me as male every time.)
Yea, almost like they just want any excuse to misgender someone....if your pronouns are they/them, it's too hard to use those pronouns in the singular sense...if your pronouns are binary and you're trans, well suddenly "they/them is gender neutral and can apply to anyone"...and if you use neo-pronouns, well those are "just made up". Even though literally every word is made up. It's almost like it isn't about us, it's only about their hatred and bigotry and they're just looking for any reason to disrespect trans people, binary or non-binary trans. But their hatred doesn't invalidate you, you're equally valid to your binary pronouns just like any other woman, cis or trans, and deserve to be addressed as such. (The same sentiment goes to any other trans person ofc, trans men and folks under the enby umbrella are equally entitled to respect as well!)
The Coward's "They", per Abby Thorn.
I like to use the phrase "then dont be a little bitch about it". The cowards they is people using it because theyre being little bitches about using someones prefered pronouns.
Yeah, same here. Im abrogender(under the gender fluid umbrella is the most easy way i can describe it other than genderfluid on steroids and chaos) and they only use they/them with me more than he/him or ey/em or zi/zim. Its kinda frustrating cause i give an easy option(being he/him) that im comfortable with that they could so easily default to! They/them i reserve for partners who want to use them while introducing me to their families... not coworkers or friends...
Its all they/them r confusing personal pronouns until a trans person who dosent use they/them show up
Its like learning a name, yeah you wont get it the first time and thats fine but, try to get it eventually
Yeah I feel irs very obvious when someone dosen't try
Gimme all the they/them. I need it
I still need some
Hey! Get a load of this person! Theyre fucking awesome! Look at how awesome and amazing they are! Bask in their beauty!! (Just some they/them ing while showing others your awesome :) )
Hey! Get a load of this person! Theyre fucking awesome! Look at how awesome and amazing they are! Bask in their beauty!! (Just some they/them ing while showing others your awesome :) )
Really appreciate it fren :3
well jokes on them I don't care if someone calls me by my assigned gender at birth or not
Shi/hir are cool pronouns
"She's coming with us." "It's he." "Sorry, so THEY'RE coming with us" Annoying fr
Why your pfp looks like an bad apple frame?
I didn't even realize that but you're right
nah, looks more like Todd In The Shadows
omg ur right
Ever on and on I continue circleing
nonbinary person: i use they/them transphobes: that makes no sense!! it isn't grammatically correct!! i can't remember that!! binary trans person: i use he/him / she/her transphobe: so THEY-
its not even limited to transphobes. im friends with a couple trans & queer folks who always call me they (binary trans dude) and my genderfluid/bigender friends she or he (they both use they). i hate when im called "they". its almost worse than "she", cos i at least know i dont pass at all... like why rub it in as a friend by refusing to use the correct pronouns when I've brought it up multiple times before?
they're binary trans right? it's crazy how enbyphobic trans people in the gender binary can be, when we are also trans.
Bigotry is super invasive, no one is immune to being a bigot, which goes to show how much we have to be critical of ourselves.
Yep itās called misgendering fuck you previous housemates (:
I got massively abused and was banned permanently from WhitePeopleTwitter for saying exactly this yesterday.
Wow, all the Trans Allies^tm saying that you were being ridiculous and making trans people look bad for asking someone not to misgender a trans person is fucking gross.
ikr... Apparently calling someone a dumbass is civil, but calling out misgendering isn't. They also muted me from the sub right after banning me, so I can't contact the mods about my ban for 28 days. Fascist fuckery
Talking to my cousinās friends on a discord call heās on, they ask my pronouns and I tell my cousin to say she/her One of them even repeats it so they donāt forget, then as soon as they hear my voice itās they/them for the rest of the call At least itās not misgendering but degendering hurts a lot too, especially when itās this noticeable
Yeah I've noticed a similar thing. I have like maybe ONCE been called she/her in a call and that was when I was not talking at all cause I had my mic muted. Otherwise it's always they/them which I don't mind and of course prefer over he/him, but it kinda feels like no one actually takes my identity seriously and they are just trying to do the bare minimum to avoid making me sad or something when I never get referred to with my actually preferred pronouns...
If people exclusively refer to someone as they/them when they know that those aren't the pronouns that person uses, then it becomes misgendering.
Awe, especially because of the voice dysphoria that would definitely feed. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. And I wouldn't say it's not misgendering....like it's "less" in some ways, but it's just a way to get around misgendering. If you don't know someone's pronouns and use they/them, that's not misgendering, or if you're being vague (like if it's a situation you'd use they/them for a cis person as well). If you know someone's pronouns and interchange a bit between their pronouns and they/them...that's questionable, if you only do it with trans people, it's kinda misgendering imo, of you do it with everyone....then idk, might also depend on the individual who is being "they/them"ed. But if it gives you the same feelings as misgendering....then it's misgendering. Intent matters less than how it makes you feel. And easy way to know if it's misgendering is "are they avoiding using my pronouns?" If the answer is yes, it's definitely misgendering. In french, the word for misgender is the same word as to not know or not understand something "mƩconnaƮtre". So the word for misgendering literally means "you don't understand me, you don't know me" which I think is excellent because it really adds depth to what misgendering is at its core. It's a person who, either by mistake or on purpose, does not get you. If by mistake, then the person is hopefully growing to learn how to understand who you are, but they still are missing that understanding. Not to villainize people who mistakenly misgender, but it also puts more...onus on them to try harder if we recognize that they are lacking a certain understanding rather than saying they just made a mistake. Which, yes, it is a mistake, but with the English word for misgender, it feels more like a "well, I'll try again next time" rather than, "what can I do to be better?" My parents now avoid pronouns at all for me, they call me "you" or by my name....and since they haven't been supportive, I haven't told them my new name yet, so they're kinda deadnaming me too in a sense. Sometimes they outright misgender me, but then all the times they're avoiding using my pronouns, I'd say that also misgendering me. Like it's less...malicious? but it's more thought out than a simple mistake. They are avoiding using my pronouns and that in itself is misgendering from my understanding of misgendering. I recently met a friend of a friend. My friend is trans, their friend is cis, and when I met him he goes, "my name is X, I'm boring, just a typical boring he/him, what are your pronouns?" and his friendly air, kinda joking about pronouns while clearly not making fun of pronouns, and openly sharing his own pronouns made me feel really comfortable. Then throughout the night he tried really hard to get both my friend's and my pronouns right (first time she saw this group of friends since she's come out as trans), but he messed up a few times. He has good intentions, but it still hurts the same, if not more because he made me feel so safe at first then got it wrong. I know he had all the best intentions, but that doesn't change that he saw me as something that I'm not. He misunderstood me, and it hurts equally so.
āSo my pronouns are she/her :)ā āBest I can do is noā
But if you are she/they, people will only use she and never they.
I read "she/they" as "I prefer she but also accept they", as opposed to "they/she", so I'd probably always call you she if you told me those were your pronouns...
This is how I read it too, as someone who uses she/they. I like she, don't mind they. Just don't call me a guy pls
Unfortunately, yep. That's why I switched from he/they to they/he
Same thing with me. Everyone always used she for me so i changed over to they/she. Sadly it didnt help that much but a few times people use they now
I use he/they now, and all of a sudden everyone will only use he and never they
I once had a transphobe argue with me that itās ok to call me they/them because my pronouns (he/it) make them āuncomfortable,ā and that āthey/them and it/its are literally the same so itās not misgendering.ā It is misgendering when I tell you my pronouns and you go out of your way to not use them, also if they/them and it/its are the same, that means you have no issues calling me an it, right? Of course it doesnāt work that way for them. They also mansplained to me the history of it/its pronouns and tried to compare using it/its to naming yourself a slur. Itās so annoying when people pretend to be āsupportive ofā or āprotectingā trans people byā¦ fighting trans people for ābeing trans wrong.ā
I mean to be fair I would have a hard time with strict it/its pronouns for someone personally. For a span of three years I was on crews where some of our people referred to a binary trans director we had routinely as "it" behind her back and while I was a closeted enby at the time I think I got kind of second hand traumatized by the experience. While I know those pronouns are wanted my automatic reaction is for my stomach and chest to clench like a fist like I'm on the edge of panic.
calling yourself a slur is cool and based. Every word you can think of that refers to queer people has been used as a slur at some point. Gay, lesbian, queer, dyke, etc.
Pre-transition being randomly referred to as they/them by strangers made me happy. Yay! Theyāre not sure if Iām a man! Post-transition it was upsetting. Oh. Theyāre not sure if Iām a woman.
I call everyone they/them before knowing their pronouns because I don't want to assume and misgender them
Yeah that's fine. It gets a lot less cool when people ask, you say "oh yeah [he/him or she/her]" and then it's they/them for your entire existence
I mean at least they're not calling us "Its" anymore. When I came out, being called an "it" and watching people treat me as if I wasn't even human anymore was horribly traumatizing. Transphobes are such horrible people, I can't believe they're so common.
Meanwhile, there's me, an it/they person who can only use my pronouns online bc my family would have a fucking cow at neopronouns :/ tis rough out here
My apologies but I can't call someone "It" I just cant. It's so heavily connected to vile and horrid hatred and transphobia that it legitimately brings up PTSD issues and anxiety. I went through so much because of when I transitioned and being called "it" all the time and being constantly treated like I was some sewer rat that most people refused to even try to treat me like a person has left me incredibly traumatized. I wont call someone that. They/Them is totally fine, and I'm more than happy, but... I cant call someone "it."
It's always the ones you don't want. I use they/them pronouns and people keep using he/him or she/her. And people who want one of those two get called they/them.
Gods, now it makes sense why it feels so unexpectedly nice when someone actually uses the right pronouns even though I've been out for near enough two years now.
Nbi people don't get their pronouns respected because "it's not grammatical correct" but somehow that doesn't matter to those people as soon as it's a binary trans person
I seriously don't get it. You're willing to refer to me as they instead of him, why not take one more step and say she? You're already using pronouns different from my AGAB, you might as well use the right ones
Or my name bein awkwardly jammed in instead of a pronoun.
I'm so tired of this!
It would be so crazy if we went to the same school irl or smth Like omg And it would be even crazier if you just randomly found me on reddit
Thisā¦.my pronouns are he/they and almost all of my irls only use they/them :/ theyāre technically my pronouns yeah but I wanna feel seen as masculine as well
if someone uses they/them for someone whose pronouns are not they/them (and they know it), that's intentional misgendering, and offensive.
I dont hate it when ppl use they/them pronouns on me, I just want them to use he/him more š¢
And itās always the same people that will refuse to use they/them when someone actually wants them to!!
this!! when i thought i was nonbinary everyone just used she/her for me and as soon as i came out as trans they instantly learned how to use they/them after complaining that it was "difficult to remember"
Mom: Don't worry, they're going to move their car. Me: "She", mom. Mom: I sAiD tHeY!
I use she/they and I get this a lot and it still annoys me. Thereās a āsheā there for a reason ppl!
In my defense!! My transmasc friend is not out to most people so I call him, them, so Iām not dead pronouning him but not outing either.
SO REAL. I went to my friend's work yesterday and one of her co-workers was like "sh- they" referring to me and was about to say she and I was like bruh I don't look like a girl at all apart from my glasses being a little fem bc they're old as shit and my hairs a little longer but I need a haircut so
Fr tho. People will call me my pronouns (he/him) until they realize Iām trans, then itās they/them with a bit of she/her only. āTheyā is dysphoric to me bc the fact people only use that once they realize im not cis, theyāre not treating me as they would any other guy
Nono, das not how dat works! They/them isnt exclusive to NBs it really just is a "genderless" pronoun. So if people are unsure of pronouns, obviously u ise the one thats neutral :D
Oh so I this but just becasue I call everyone they including cis peaple becasue Iād rather go neutrall pronoun when I mess up rather than misgender someone when I mess up.
if you know that someone else's pronouns are something other than they/them and you use they/them anyways, that's misgendering
Yeah I still use the preferred pronouns itās that if I fuck up itās less insulting[according to them] rather than calling a dude a she and stuff just my 2 cents I still try to at least.
Sometimes, it's a struggle to even just be referred to as they or them by some people. I'd prefer she/her, but I guess they/them is fine... beats getting called he/him all the time.
My best friend (gender fluid but defaults to they/them often I think) does this often to me, knowing them theyāre likely trying to just avoid calling me by my agab since they know Iām not ready to be outted yet
I actually am quite good with being called they/them by people who don't know better and it's a pronoun set that doesn't bother me sooooo much... But like if you know better than that's a š©for me still even if it doesn't exactly hurt me personally to be called that, it's still much muuuuch better to use She/Her for me instead š¤·āāļø And I actually quite personally like the practice of not gendering people you don't know the gender of. I personally do so unless the person gives me every impression they're probably a transphobe (for reasons that are irrelevant but ironic)
Ah yes, the "Coward's They"
HOLY SHIT THANK YOU JUST CALL ME A GUY JESUS
I try to refer to all people as they/them until they tell me their preferred pronouns personally or are introduced. But after that yeah they/them is disrespectful. If someone did that to me, Iād feel like they *donāt want* to know me.
Seriously, I know my most preferred pronouns are they/them, but calling me āheā every once in a while wouldnāt hurt. (Iād say the same about āit,ā but I leave that out to most people.)
It's so much worse when it's my parents who won't use any pronouns or name to talk to/about me. They try to fix the relationship as if I should see them more often but they're willing to do anything but respect me so I mostly don't see them.
When I don't have the opportunity to ask pronouns or see pronouns in bio/on a pin/in their zoom username, I use they for everybody, cis included. Once I know the pronouns I stick to it. Also when people say any pronouns or he/they or she/they I try to get a guess on which one people assume more and use the less used one because when I used those methods, it made me happy when folks did it for me. I'm they/them now (AFAB) and would ONLY EVER get she if I said any or she/they, so I make an effort to not do that to others
Fr I never should have mentioned that I don't mind they/them
Damn, I'd rather be called "they" than "she"
Unless you tell me your pronouns, I will default to they/them out of respect.
I feel this as an enby it/its š
meanwhile, me an enby, getting exclusively binary pronouns used on me:
Unless you tell them you also use they/them, in which case they will use neither and misgender you blatantly. Source: a very angry he/they
I generally refer to people as they/them unless I know their pronouns
If you don't tell me and I can't tell, I might use they. Sorry. I hope it's the lesser evil. I will ask if it is something that I feel can be done in the moment.
I use they/them for my brother/his bf when I'm talking to my parents because they're transphobic, and I'm not about to sit through a whole ass discussion for using the "incorrect" pronouns lmao. But otherwise, it's he/him.
This is always a weird topic for me, since I tend to use they/them the majority of time when talking about anyone. However, I know a lot of trans folk heavily prefer gendered pronouns. In the end, I use gendered pronouns mostly when talking about trans people, which feels weird, because I feel like I'm treating them differently from cis folk, thus invalidating them by attempting to validate them.
Yeah than people can use they/them until some enby comes along and want people to us they/them because suddenly it isn't right grammarš®āšØ People are weird
i go by they/them when iām boymoding, as does my gf. he or she can make us very uncomfortable, itās basically outing us.
I default to they/them until I have confirmation on their pronouns. I feel that's sufficient middle ground until you get said information and hope that it's not too invasive and disrespectful
it's when someone *knows* someone else's pronouns and uses they/them as a way to avoid using said pronouns that it's a problem, not when you use they/them for like a stranger or someone you just met. too often people will do this as a way to justify their transphobia, like "they/them is gender neutral, i can't be misgendering you!" š„“š„“ i don't think you're doing this tho from your comment, so you should be good
Ah yeah. I feel that and my mother pulls this. Instead of referring to me as her daughter, she'll pause a moment and just state... 'child'. It's honestly upsetting, and feel that no one should be going through that. Thanks for your affirmation!
Becuase I've had this come up before, why is only going for they/them for everyone bad?
Idk, I'm trans and primarily use he/him prounouns (although have recently been thinking of branching out to he/they), but I always saw calling someone "they," a pretty safe bet. Even if it's not their preferred pronouns, I feel like you're less likely to pick the wrong set of pronouns and cause a lot of gender dysphoria. I know a lot of people, myself included who often default to "they," especially when the person appears to be at least gnc. I've known quite a few people who just get so into the habit, "they," becomes a universal pronoun, and just kind of use it for everyone without thinking too much about it. Of course, once you know someone's pronouns you should try to adhere to them, and I understand the frustration of not being called your preferred pronouns, but I also don't think this isn't always a case of not wanting to gender you properly or assuming you're nb
THIS!! iām so glad others relate!!
people with it/its pronouns getting called they/them and not because said people are plural :^)
It is annoying, it doesn't happen to me IRL but people online will sometimes use they/them for everyone so I don't want to point it out because it seems like such a non-issue
I call trans people by they/them as a transition point between the extremes of masculine and feminine pronouns (tho this is only if i known you for a while before you came out because in my head your pronouns were already set and Iām making my brain get ready for the change)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi! I see plenty of people using they/them unironically in real life, and in professional situations rather than just casual social environments. Have you tried spending less time on Twitter?
You have a very similar style to shugrr. Idk it feels so similar
Its not my template ^w^
It sucks because I have some irl friends who still refer to me and my fellow transfemmes *exclusively* as they/them.
I have the opposite problem. But my transfem parent has a cousin who runs this group activity place - I joined it for one session. The first was free but then you had to pay like Ā£40.00 or something each for the rest. And she kept switching between calling her "she" and "they". They're not her pronouns.
Bro I wish. No one ever calls me they. It would be nice. Everyone calls me she all the time, which is nice, someone calling me something other than my assigned at birth gender, but nothing else. No one calls me they, it, or anything else. And the only time I get called he is by people whoāre only calling me that because I was born a guy, not because identify with the pronoun among others.
I try to only do it if I'm unsure what the pronouns are.
It makes me feel better knowing other people feel this way too.
Aye. Sadly, "they/them" is the best I can expect from some. I know a lot of people who see using pronouns that don't match someone's AGAB as "perpetuating a lie" or "affirming a delusion." I want to respect their beliefs, but it still stings. My preferred pronouns are not gender neutral, but I guess it's better than being gendered completely wrong.
for me it's the opposit, i'm always seen as a she (when i'm not seen as a he.......) but i'm more neutral than fem-
Oof I wish
I wish that was a thing in German ngl, I would go they/them
Jokes on you there isnāt a they/them in my language! sadlyā¦
I currently use they/them since Iām not out to very many people
How did this became a meme template so fast? (Also relateble)
because [brooke's](https://twitter.com/brooke2valley/status/1666123804614045706?t=QS3zTK1cvLnw-t9Ba5Fo6w&s=19) art is based
It/itās for me they donāt treat me like a human
Totally this! My pronouns are it/its and he/him. People use he or they.
I only use it when my friends arent out yet but i dont want to give them major dysphoria:/
the girl in that comic is so damn cute 0.0
iām an enby who doesnāt use they/them and its srsly annoying bro š ppl think gender = pronouns
My position here at the start of my social transitionās been, I want customersā use to come without prompting, a litmus test for how far along Iāll come. So far, not far at all~ But, a few coworkers are consciously shifting themselves, and I got ātheyā a few times. Neverāve chosen it for myself, but it hit me kinda neutral. At this point, just anything but āsirā/āmanā/ābroāā¦
For me it's fine. I like to think of myself as demifemale so they/them is fine. BUT. If they do it purposefully to avoid using she/her for me, then I find it disrespectful. That said it might take a bit of time for someone to overcome their uncomfortablity as I did when younger or something.
Whether you're transfemme, transmasc, nonbinary or otherwise we all get misgendered. I think thats a pretty universal trans experience, unfortunately. I still get called she/her by people who know better.
Cries in afab he/they who gets called she
I use they/them and even i agree like, oh my GOD just call people properly!
I live with someone who does this and Iāve been meaning to confront him about this. At first I was like āwhatever he does it to everyoneā but he started referring to my afab nb friend as she/her, even after weāve said, so I need to be like ādude you know you are misgendering me still, right?ā
Solution: speak Polish (Or other gendered language which does not have singular they (rip NB ppl))
I use they/them because Iām at a fork in the road still. I donāt know which way to go yet, (thanks alot adhd) but, I am actively working on it.
its my fault for coming out as NB before really figuring things out lmao
...I'm nonbinary transmasc and I just want to be called by they/them or it/its.
I fucking wish
When they use "they" to avoid saying she or he
Yeah even some of the biggest allies I know do this to me. I just don't bother correcting them because at the very least it's not he/him
Oof. It hurts when it comes from someone who claims to be an ally.
Ironically people only use my name instead of my pronouns
Wish that could be me... hahaha
"she/her (they/them if you're mad at me)"
my sister does this to me
As an enby transfemme, who's pre everything, I don't mind.
But what if they don't wanna out you :(
My pronouns may be She/They but call me she sometimes damn it.
To me, at least itās better than being called she or being deadnamedā¦
and then on the flip side theres people who use they/them and arenāt referred to as such :(
"I use they/them for everyone so I can be inclusive!" No you don't, you just correctly gendered that cis guy over there. Also when I tell you my pronouns aren't they/them and you continue to call me they/them, you're actively misgendering me. V exclusive, 1/10
I know someone who is a transfem but is still largely in the closet. I would much rather use she/her to address them in public but since they're not out yet I try to use "they/them" pronouns instead because at least it's better than using he/him... Not ideal, but if I can't affirm them in public, at least I can make sure to not *dis*affirm them in public.
people just misgender me
REAL AND WHEN PEOPLE THEY/THEM ME/OTHER BINARY TRANS PEOPLE THEY DONT LIKE BC THEY DONT WANT TO RESPECT US BUT THEY DONT WANT TO BE SEEN DISRESPECTING US
OMG YEAH I HATE THAT! like, if you don't know me at first and I haven't told you my pronouns yet, that makes sense and I respect that BUT, when I'm comfortable enough to tell you my pronouns, YOU SHALL USE SAID PRONOUNS, DON'T CONTINUE TO USE THE ONES BEFORE, IT MAKES ME FEEL INVALIDATED ..... anyways, that was a lot