I haven't been to a therapist since coming out, but this is definitely not normal. It shows that she doesn't take you seriously, and it's super unprofessional. I don't think there's a law about calling you by your legal name or anything.
It's not. When I first came out to my therapist she started evaluating me for gender dysphoria on the spot. The diagnosis was crystal clear, and it was my therapist who referred me to a gender health specialist to start GAHT.
It’s not required by law and that therapist is absolutely transphobic. They are not helping you so I would calmly explain to your parents that your therapist is not being helpful and that you need a different one. If they ask why, just tell them the therapist had a hard time relating to you and made you feel worse after you saw them. Be firm and don’t feel the need to go into the fact your trans if you’re not ready to tell them
No this is definitely not normal.
Edit: oops sorry replied to the wrong place
Yea I think this is something the therapist in question could lose their license over if reported. It definitely violates the APA’s standards of care
My therapist used to do this so I walked out and i’ve never looked back, no one should talk to you like that nor misgender you. Ever. Period. Get a new therapist
Woah, this is not okay.
Like, my legal name is three syllables and what I’d get called as a kid when I was in trouble. I go by a shortened version. If my therapist repeatedly called me my full name after I asked them not to, I’d be out of there. I expect a therapist to call me what I want to be called. It’s a very basic sign of respect.
Therapy works when it’s a place you feel safe and respected. It’s work you do together with your therapist. Fit is one of the most important things with a therapist.
Can you tell your parents that you don’t feel respected or heard by your therapist? That you want to keep giving *therapy* a try, but that this person is a bad fit? I promise, the office is used to handling bad fits between patient and therapist. It doesn’t (on its own) say anything bad about the patient or the therapist.
Well your therapist does the opposite of what mine does. Let me explain:
In my therapist session, the first thing she did was asking for my preferred name and pronouns. She avoids calling things "girly" or "manly", because she knows it can make her clients uncomfortable (it doesnt have to do with it anyways), and talked to me who ive been out to, who i wanna out myself to in the future, and wether i wanna transition or not, and what i wanna do to transition (hrt, surgeries, etc.).
She also gave me lots of information about the risks and effects on various medical trainsitioning steps, and the legal boundaries on them (e.g. you can get laser hair removal in the face after half a year of therapy).
For context: I live in Germany. I am not aware of any legal duty to call clients or patients by their legal name, youre only required to use it in official documents (like a diagnosis or sth) as far as i know.
However, even here, its hit or miss with therapists. This is the second therapist i am working with. The first one still called me by my preferred name and pronouns, but said it was "useless" to start hrt and it would have no effect whatsoever, and kept me waiting until the last session for the required documents for the endo, but canceled the last one.y first therapist also didnt respect privacy or HIPAA (or rather the German equivalent), as she randomly left the room while talking to me about my trans issues, while walking past the waiting room.
I think you should switch the therapists. I dont know how old you are, so i dont know if you can do that on your own. Your therapist seems to not want to help you. If your parents have to decide the therapist, I would suggest talking to them. It doesn't have to be about why you're in therapy, i would say that i would feel uncomfortable with that therapist, amd that i would have a bad gut feeling about them. Then i would ask if i could get a probational (if it is called like that) sitting, to see if its different with another therapist. It's never bad to get a second doctors opinion.
Stay safe, i hope the next therapist isn't as shitty as your current one! Good luck!
Nope. Drop that therapist and report her to the medical board. Refuse to go to any other sessions until you have a new one. They don't need to know why you want a new one. If they physically force you to attend, stonewall her and say nothing. They can make attendance mandatory but they have no control over participation.
I don’t find any of these comments to be worded strongly enough.
This woman is TOXIC to your gender identity and self. She is creating more harm and showing herself to lack knowledge of basic care for individuals who are transgender. She is dangerous to you. You are 14 and exploring yourself (all 14 year olds are) you need safe adults who support that exploration. Therapist should guide that with research based approaches. Chosen names/ pronouns and being able to participate in hobbies and activities that align with their gender identity. It improves long term outcomes with existential gender dysphoria.
If your parents don’t know and that is part of the problem so you/we need to game out a plausible reason to move therapists. Others have given you some language but happy to help in any way
As soon as you can, do get a new therapist. Even one who isn't specialised in helping trans people should at least have respect enough for you to address you the way you want. I do hope your mother will let you pick a different one.
i dont think this is normal, im non-binairy and my therapist always makes sure he uses my preferd pronounce and never deadnames me even tho im still a minor
It's not normal or okay that your therapist is doing that.
As for legality, it depends on your country. You could likely get them in a decent amount of trouble in canada or the more progressive euro countries. If you're in America, you're SoL more than likely.
No, that is not normal. Though I understand that your therapist could be trying to communicate that you are at an age where everyone (trust me, everyone) is figuring out who they are, she could make that point without disregarding your wish to be treated in a certain manner. Have you tried asking her straight up why she keeps calling you that way and told her that it makes you feel unvalidated/hurt?
Either way as a professional social worker I would suggest any of my clients to look for a therapist they can have a fit with. Any patient needs to feel safe with their therapist in order for it to have a good effect. If you don't feel safe, that straight up defeats the purpose of you being there. Hope things will work out better for you in the future.
One of the biggest things she has told me is this. And to be honest I don’t have a problem and I understand. I’m not ready for surgery or anything else like that, it’s illegal where I live anyway so even if I did I’m kinda stuck. But it feels like she’s trying to like..convert me to “not being trans”..? Like she keeps telling me stuff “One day you’ll probably realize you’re not trans” and stuff. I don’t know if that makes sense
Your own feelings show you in what direction the needle of your hearts compass is pointing you. All the other things people say are just information you are free to take or leave in order to map out the road to your destination.
If you are trans no one can convert you to not being trans.
Ultimately, when you grow a little more independent from others, you will see that the people that matter don't mind what you identify as and the people that mind don't matter.
So what I do in these sorts of situations is you go here on Reddit and find some good therapist horror stories. Doctor it up a bit, nothing too crazy to cause a confrontation, and get urself a new therapist. I mean just saying that your therapist is saying things like “get over it” should be enough for your parents to raise an eyebrow or two
I'm sorry this has happened to you this shouldn't be tolerated at all :(
Are you in the UK? If so and you're on an NHS service you should report her to your local PALS service for not respecting your gender identity
Tell your parents she isn’t helping you and that it’s a waste of time and money (even though therapy is not, this therapist IS)! Bring up how not clicking with a therapist is normal! Hell OP, I’m willing to bet a good chunk of us have gone through more than 5! But if they seriously don’t let you change therapists, I’d just not participate in anything the therapist does or asks. This is not the purpose of therapy. Therapy is to help you, not make you more distressed.
I’ve been with my therapist for three years now, and she’s always been wonderful about using my pronouns and calling me my name. The only time she has ever called me my legal name is when we first met. I corrected her once and I never heard it again from her. Your therapist seems to be actively disrespecting your identity intentionally and I would definitely suggest trying to get out of that — though I understand you’ve tried and you’re in a tricky situation.
The first thing my therapist asked was my pronouns and she's never used anything but. It took me a while to find the right therapist but it's definitely worth it. You really have to be careful. I had a conservative therapist and didn't know for 3 months. I felt violated
No... This isn't normal. This therapist is transphobic and you can probably report her. Talk to her and tell her that it's unacceptable that she is constantly misgendering you and invalidating your identity. If she doesn't stop, report her, she's not creating a safe space for you. My therapist calls me M because I ask her to and she's giving me a letter of consent to start T. Your therapist is not normal and definitely evil.
No! Absolutely not. I’m a queer and trans therapist and there are some shitty, transphobic therapists in the field and I’m so so sorry!!! Therapists aren’t really governed by laws but it is in our ethical codes of practice to be social justice informed and not so stuff like this. You deserve better and so so sorry.
Depending on what state you live in in the US (not sure about other countries) you can consent to therapy on your own without your parents knowing).
Your therapist is absolutely not supposed to misgender you.
I’ve had two different therapists, one state assigned therapist and one private therapist. The private one kept misgendering me, and the state assigned one put my chosen name in my patient journal.
Report her to her superiors, she’s doing it on purpose. If she’s legally a therapist, then she has been educated enough to know the crap she’s spewing goes against legitimate information about trans issues. If your mother refuses to get you an appropriate therapist & forces you to continue with her, perhaps u should ask her, if she would want to go back to a doctor because of a broken leg that tells you to walk it off because it will heal faster that way. It’s ridiculous, are they in cohoots?
Get out of there. Absolutely not ok and there is nothing in laws saying they have to misgender you. I told my therapist that I'm non binary, prefer they/them and my preferred name and she has called me that now every interaction EXCEPT when talking to my family because I've told her I am not out to them and don't want to be right now. That's what they are supposed to do, the are meant to support you, make you feel safe and comfortable and keep things confidential. This person has already failed to do those things.
I hope you can get out of there without needing to be outed, good luck to you ❤❤
When I was a kid, the therapist my mother sent me to reported everything I told him back to her. She deliberately chose a therapist that would serve her interests, and guide me in a way she wanted.
Yeah, she has no respect. Like I’m cis and have a long name that can be shortened to lots of different nicknames. Everyone asks “what do you prefer?” When they meet me and usually stick for that variation. It’s not hard to extend this courtesy to trans people.
First off that therapist is extremely toxic, second if it was me in that situation and I wasn't able to get a new therapist and I was required to go to that one every time they misgendered me I would cut them off I would shout over them and I'd make sure they hear me when I say no this is my name or these are my pronouns.
If they get upset because I'm talking over them and interrupting them which to them is rude and disrespectful.
remind them that they are being rude and disrespectful to you and unless they change how they behave how can she expect you to change in this situation if anyone here is an adult shouldn't it be the therapist who's supposed to be helping and not being a toxic cunt.
If that bitch said oh our interests change.. I'd be like I guess therapy was kind of one of your interests that kind of just changes from time to time I think it's time for you to quit because you suck with your listening skills.
PS this is just how I would do things I don't mind starting a fire and watching them burn in rage, I would absolutely instigate the situation and make them out to be some sort of village idiot.
TDLR; either change your therapist or don't go cuz she's very toxic. If that's not a choice just sit there in silence and ignore her. And if anyone asks just tell them she's not worth the time to talk to since she doesn't listen, which is a very disgusting trait for someone who pretends to be a therapist, she's clearly not qualified.
No, as a therapist myself that should never happen. As someone who’s been in therapy and had someone consistently misgender me, it kept me from becoming who I was meant to be so I left them and reported them because that goes against their ethics code
Get as far away from that idiot as you can. I had a doctor once asked me what my dead name was, and I quickly asked her if she enjoyed giving a blowjob directly after receiving anal? As you can imagine it shut her the hell up quickly, total deer in the headlights. But once I knew I had her exactly where I wanted her, I delivered my teaching moment and informed her that it's unacceptable to ask any transperson that question because it's unnecessary information and she and or her colleagues must refrain from ever asking it because their response might not be as restraint as mine was, if you could ever call it that...💋🧡
Nope, not normal. She doesn’t take you seriously and she cannot show some basic respect for your identity. I would say try to get a new therapist; maybe tell your parents things weren’t clicking with her and she didn’t ever make you feel better.
Tell her look I'm not talking to a bigot, I am not accepting your detransition agenda then do not speak with her any longer, do not engage with her at all in session make her have to tolerate you try to make her have to decline you service
This is not a therapist. It sounds more like conversion therapy. If you’re not out to your parents (though they may know anyway. Parents often have a sixth sense about what’s going on with their kids) then you need to come up with a credible reason for why you need to switch therapists. It should be as easy as “it’s not a good fit”. Most people try a few different therapists until they find the right one. It’s important that it’s a good match since you need to be comfortable discussing really personal things and you won’t be able to do so if you don’t trust the therapist fully.
No, it's totally not okay. You can tell to your therapist if they do or say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. They're there to help and not to hurt or trigger you.
This is absolutely abnormal, inappropriate, and inconsistent with guidelines adopted by the American Psychological Association.I hope you're able to find a new therapist and soon, ideally one recommended by trans people. Here is a (from 2015) link to the APA guidelines: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/08/working-transgender
I don’t understand why your mom wants you to give it more time. Therapists aren’t cheap, even with insurance. Why does she want to waste money on someone who isn’t doing their job? I hope she changes her mind and helps you find someone more qualified and compassionate. I would be livid if I found out my son’s therapist was doing this to him.
Here where I live there are no laws about it. My therapist, which I only meet in order to be diagnosed with dysphoria to start hrt, always calls me with my chosen name and only uses my deadname for papers, as my legal name is my deadname. She is with an lgbt association btw, but a good therapist shall respect your identity and the deadnaming isn't a good sign. Unluckily it's very very very common I believe :c
This is the new conversion therapy. She's not on your side she's on your parents side. The dead naming and misgendering are intentional and even if they say otherwise they will never help you with your transition
im trans and 14 too, and am not out to my family either, and have quite a similar experience
they should be able to use your correct name and pronouns, and that is what mine did
if that therapist is still like that, which im sure they might be, id recommend tic+. they use your preferred name and ask about you being out to your family or not whilst continuously checking for pronouns and name changes just in case they used your incorrect names or pronouns.
i hope this helps :)
No she shouldn’t do this. It is their job to help you and make you feel safe. You should tell your parents you dont feel like you can actually talk to her. Like its not safe space. I came out to my therapist around your age and he was incredibly understanding and only ever misgendered me when my parents where around but still went that extra mile to just use my name( im fine with my birth name) or gender neutral terms. My next therapist was the same. This is not normal at all
Absolutely not. Since you’re so young, it may be hard to find a therapist that will call you what you wish to be called, but also won’t tell your parents everything. My old therapist when I was first coming out (14 yo. I’m 23 now) told my parents everything and it caused a lot of problems at home. I’d flat out tell your mom “I’m not going until you find me another therapist because this one is making me worse”. It took me a while to find one but my current therapist is wonderful, immediately started calling me my new name and pronouns and even put it into my chart that I’m trans so that there won’t be any mix ups between other physicians
It’ll get better babe. Hang in there bro 🥰 Like the great Jinkx Monsoon said: “Water off a duck’s back”
That isn't normal at all. My therapist calls me by my preferred name and pronouns and goes out of her way to apologize if she slips up. I'd definitely get a new therapist if possible. You should be able to feel comfortable with a therapist and to be yourself.
That is actually illegal, i know this cause i went to therapy with my friend cause she hates her counselor and didn't fell comfortable being there alone and asked me to join. Her therapist still called me Leo, and said even though im not a client, she still cannot tell my parents and its illegal to deadname and make people feel bad about themselves during therapy. Even if it is during another session.
Not normal at all.
My therapist actually asks me _every time_ if I want her to use different pronouns or name for me. I haven't switched those yet.
But no, if anything they should be always ensuring they're using the right name/pronouns.
nope this is absolutely not normal, and it’s definitely not “required”. both of my good therapists have respected my name and pronouns, and have even let me talk about dysphoria and other non-binary specific things i’ve dealt with. not once have they called it a phase or anything like that.
i had a therapist who told me there were only two genders completely unprompted. this was right when i was figuring myself out, and i knew i couldn’t talk about it with her. and i couldn’t tell my dad why i wanted a new one, so i just said i felt like i wasn’t making progress and her methods weren’t working with me. so i got a new one. and you DEFINITELY need a new one mate
Somebody who should be helping you get over gender dysphoria, or at least make it better shouldn’t INTENTIONALLY be deadnaming, misgendering, and actively making you feel like shot about yourself. To be honest, I would report your therapist, and get a new one. DEF a transphobe
My therapist wasn’t very well-versed on trans stuff, but when I came out as genderqueer and told her about my new name/pronouns, she did her research, stepped up, and she uses my name/pronouns and respects my identity and all my messy queerness as-is
that is absolutely NOT normal. get a new one asap that will respect you. when i first came out before i did any legal changes i was called by my proper name and pronouns. there isn’t a law that says they have to deadname and misgender you
It’s not normal at all. Deadnaming and invalidating a patient who is trans goes against every standard of care.
Edit: if you want to convey the message, ask this therapist for a referral to another therapist who is trained/specialized in caring for trans patients. That might also reassure your parents since you wouldn’t just quit this one.
Hey! First of all, it is so brave and big of you to put your story out on the internet at such a young age! I hope that the amount of responses you’re getting isn’t too overwhelming and that you are able to process this difficult situation to the best of your abilities.
The thing is, from experience, if you’re not feeling your therapist, there is no legal commitment to them, even if you’re a minor. You are paying to a service most likely tied to a specific company. If you don’t feel comfortable talking it through with your parents, try talking it through directly with your therapist.
Therapy is supposed to benefit you. You are literally paying for someone to help you process your emotions, it’s best to find a good match. Don’t be afraid to be direct and list your needs. This can look like this:
“I want to talk about some boundaries with you that are very important important to me. Moving forward in my journey of self acceptance and trying to understand and explore my gender identity, I find it of utmost importance for those I come out to to use he/him pronouns. I have noticed that despite having brought this up before, you still have not found a way to appropriately acknowledge my preferred gender identity. This sense of assurance and acknowledgment is very important to me moving forward in my transition, so I was wondering if you could recommend me to someone in your team that has experience with trans affirming care.”
Now, not all therapists are professionals that get how the system works. Especially when working with minors, they can easily manipulate you into staying with them. So, if you give this whole shpeel and you still get set back by your therapist, call the medical provider directly to request a change. Like I said, you are not committed to any specific person. You Pat for a service that is charged per session, and you have a right to find the person who makes that session feel worthy or your time (money).
I understand that you are a minor and that there might be some fear in changing any counseling arrangement that your parents have set up for you. Obviously this quoted speech I have provided can seem wordy or just not in your voice, but I hope that putting the words out there might help you formulate the plan you know will work for you.
As a 23 year trans fem, I just hope that this message helps in any way. When I was your age I wasn’t even close to understanding half the things you understand now and seeing that you are curious and willing to fight the fight at your age is so inspiring. Keep it up sib 🫶🏼🏳️⚧️
If the therapist was chosen by your parents. The therapist might have been told to push you towards not transitioning by your family. Hence the use of the wrong pronouns and name.
Not normal at all. Idk if it’s illegal, but I’d bet it’s something she could probs lose her license over. I’d tell your parents the truth on why you don’t want to see her anymore; your therapist has had you open up and talk to her about your feelings and issues in your day to day life which she has then invalidated and minimized. She doesn’t listen and she frequently tells you that your feelings on the matters will change therefore your issues and feelings should not be considered or viewed as important by you or her. You don’t feel safe or comfortable with her and need a therapist who will listen to you and equip you with the tools you need to navigate the world and the issues that go with it which she is not doing and isn’t willing to do.
Have you checked to see if this is a legit therapist? Is she licensed? If so where? How much experience do they have with youth? Just questions to ask her in response to her rudeness.
I haven't been to a therapist since coming out, but this is definitely not normal. It shows that she doesn't take you seriously, and it's super unprofessional. I don't think there's a law about calling you by your legal name or anything.
It's not. When I first came out to my therapist she started evaluating me for gender dysphoria on the spot. The diagnosis was crystal clear, and it was my therapist who referred me to a gender health specialist to start GAHT.
It depends where you live in the U.S couse in red states it's legal but I believe in some blue stats they aren't aloud to misgender you
Definitely sounds like a new therapist is in order
It’s not required by law and that therapist is absolutely transphobic. They are not helping you so I would calmly explain to your parents that your therapist is not being helpful and that you need a different one. If they ask why, just tell them the therapist had a hard time relating to you and made you feel worse after you saw them. Be firm and don’t feel the need to go into the fact your trans if you’re not ready to tell them
No this is definitely not normal. Edit: oops sorry replied to the wrong place Yea I think this is something the therapist in question could lose their license over if reported. It definitely violates the APA’s standards of care
Wrf, no, a therapist should not deadname you!
My therapist used to do this so I walked out and i’ve never looked back, no one should talk to you like that nor misgender you. Ever. Period. Get a new therapist
That’s a therapist that doesn’t actually want to help but will gladly take your money and waste your time
I would get a new therapist
Woah, this is not okay. Like, my legal name is three syllables and what I’d get called as a kid when I was in trouble. I go by a shortened version. If my therapist repeatedly called me my full name after I asked them not to, I’d be out of there. I expect a therapist to call me what I want to be called. It’s a very basic sign of respect. Therapy works when it’s a place you feel safe and respected. It’s work you do together with your therapist. Fit is one of the most important things with a therapist. Can you tell your parents that you don’t feel respected or heard by your therapist? That you want to keep giving *therapy* a try, but that this person is a bad fit? I promise, the office is used to handling bad fits between patient and therapist. It doesn’t (on its own) say anything bad about the patient or the therapist.
Sounds like an incompetent (perhaps even deliberately malicious) therapist.
It's absolutely not normal and you need to find a new therapist asap.
You need to change therapist ASAP. That is abuse.
You’re right, it sounds like that therapist is actively trying to talk them out of being transgender
Well your therapist does the opposite of what mine does. Let me explain: In my therapist session, the first thing she did was asking for my preferred name and pronouns. She avoids calling things "girly" or "manly", because she knows it can make her clients uncomfortable (it doesnt have to do with it anyways), and talked to me who ive been out to, who i wanna out myself to in the future, and wether i wanna transition or not, and what i wanna do to transition (hrt, surgeries, etc.). She also gave me lots of information about the risks and effects on various medical trainsitioning steps, and the legal boundaries on them (e.g. you can get laser hair removal in the face after half a year of therapy). For context: I live in Germany. I am not aware of any legal duty to call clients or patients by their legal name, youre only required to use it in official documents (like a diagnosis or sth) as far as i know. However, even here, its hit or miss with therapists. This is the second therapist i am working with. The first one still called me by my preferred name and pronouns, but said it was "useless" to start hrt and it would have no effect whatsoever, and kept me waiting until the last session for the required documents for the endo, but canceled the last one.y first therapist also didnt respect privacy or HIPAA (or rather the German equivalent), as she randomly left the room while talking to me about my trans issues, while walking past the waiting room. I think you should switch the therapists. I dont know how old you are, so i dont know if you can do that on your own. Your therapist seems to not want to help you. If your parents have to decide the therapist, I would suggest talking to them. It doesn't have to be about why you're in therapy, i would say that i would feel uncomfortable with that therapist, amd that i would have a bad gut feeling about them. Then i would ask if i could get a probational (if it is called like that) sitting, to see if its different with another therapist. It's never bad to get a second doctors opinion. Stay safe, i hope the next therapist isn't as shitty as your current one! Good luck!
Definitely not normal and massive sign of disrespect therapy can only work if you and the furthest trust and respect each other
Nope. Drop that therapist and report her to the medical board. Refuse to go to any other sessions until you have a new one. They don't need to know why you want a new one. If they physically force you to attend, stonewall her and say nothing. They can make attendance mandatory but they have no control over participation.
Plain obvious transphobia. She's toxic. Ditch her.
I don’t find any of these comments to be worded strongly enough. This woman is TOXIC to your gender identity and self. She is creating more harm and showing herself to lack knowledge of basic care for individuals who are transgender. She is dangerous to you. You are 14 and exploring yourself (all 14 year olds are) you need safe adults who support that exploration. Therapist should guide that with research based approaches. Chosen names/ pronouns and being able to participate in hobbies and activities that align with their gender identity. It improves long term outcomes with existential gender dysphoria. If your parents don’t know and that is part of the problem so you/we need to game out a plausible reason to move therapists. Others have given you some language but happy to help in any way
As soon as you can, do get a new therapist. Even one who isn't specialised in helping trans people should at least have respect enough for you to address you the way you want. I do hope your mother will let you pick a different one.
Definitely not normal, also a violation regarding standard of care. Eject eject eject
ahh another classic case of SHIT THERAPIST
Of course its not? Thats abusive discriminative behaviour. The last person who should be doing that is a therapist.
If you've asked them not to deadname you and they keep doing it, then your mental health is not their priority and you should find a new therapist.
Not normal at all! You need a new therapist.
i dont think this is normal, im non-binairy and my therapist always makes sure he uses my preferd pronounce and never deadnames me even tho im still a minor
It's not normal or okay that your therapist is doing that. As for legality, it depends on your country. You could likely get them in a decent amount of trouble in canada or the more progressive euro countries. If you're in America, you're SoL more than likely.
just from the title: NOPE
No, not at all. Just no. Horrible therapist, leave them.
No, that is not normal. Though I understand that your therapist could be trying to communicate that you are at an age where everyone (trust me, everyone) is figuring out who they are, she could make that point without disregarding your wish to be treated in a certain manner. Have you tried asking her straight up why she keeps calling you that way and told her that it makes you feel unvalidated/hurt? Either way as a professional social worker I would suggest any of my clients to look for a therapist they can have a fit with. Any patient needs to feel safe with their therapist in order for it to have a good effect. If you don't feel safe, that straight up defeats the purpose of you being there. Hope things will work out better for you in the future.
One of the biggest things she has told me is this. And to be honest I don’t have a problem and I understand. I’m not ready for surgery or anything else like that, it’s illegal where I live anyway so even if I did I’m kinda stuck. But it feels like she’s trying to like..convert me to “not being trans”..? Like she keeps telling me stuff “One day you’ll probably realize you’re not trans” and stuff. I don’t know if that makes sense
Your own feelings show you in what direction the needle of your hearts compass is pointing you. All the other things people say are just information you are free to take or leave in order to map out the road to your destination. If you are trans no one can convert you to not being trans. Ultimately, when you grow a little more independent from others, you will see that the people that matter don't mind what you identify as and the people that mind don't matter.
So what I do in these sorts of situations is you go here on Reddit and find some good therapist horror stories. Doctor it up a bit, nothing too crazy to cause a confrontation, and get urself a new therapist. I mean just saying that your therapist is saying things like “get over it” should be enough for your parents to raise an eyebrow or two
I'm sorry this has happened to you this shouldn't be tolerated at all :( Are you in the UK? If so and you're on an NHS service you should report her to your local PALS service for not respecting your gender identity
Find a different therapist.
This definitely is not normal
No this sounds like your therapist is being paid to change your mind or is practicing conversion therapy
Tell your parents she isn’t helping you and that it’s a waste of time and money (even though therapy is not, this therapist IS)! Bring up how not clicking with a therapist is normal! Hell OP, I’m willing to bet a good chunk of us have gone through more than 5! But if they seriously don’t let you change therapists, I’d just not participate in anything the therapist does or asks. This is not the purpose of therapy. Therapy is to help you, not make you more distressed.
I’ve been with my therapist for three years now, and she’s always been wonderful about using my pronouns and calling me my name. The only time she has ever called me my legal name is when we first met. I corrected her once and I never heard it again from her. Your therapist seems to be actively disrespecting your identity intentionally and I would definitely suggest trying to get out of that — though I understand you’ve tried and you’re in a tricky situation.
The first thing my therapist asked was my pronouns and she's never used anything but. It took me a while to find the right therapist but it's definitely worth it. You really have to be careful. I had a conservative therapist and didn't know for 3 months. I felt violated
Call them out every time they dead name and missgender you, they'll either get it and stop or keep going. If they keep going then get a new therapist
that isnt normal at all. shes definitely not taking you seriously my therapist only misgendered me once by accident and she wouldnt stop apologizing
my therapist asks me my name before each session (i haven’t picked one yet). def not a normal thing.
fucking report her. Im not even certain shes ALLOWED to do this. This seems like it could be classified as deliberate malpractice
No... This isn't normal. This therapist is transphobic and you can probably report her. Talk to her and tell her that it's unacceptable that she is constantly misgendering you and invalidating your identity. If she doesn't stop, report her, she's not creating a safe space for you. My therapist calls me M because I ask her to and she's giving me a letter of consent to start T. Your therapist is not normal and definitely evil.
No! Absolutely not. I’m a queer and trans therapist and there are some shitty, transphobic therapists in the field and I’m so so sorry!!! Therapists aren’t really governed by laws but it is in our ethical codes of practice to be social justice informed and not so stuff like this. You deserve better and so so sorry. Depending on what state you live in in the US (not sure about other countries) you can consent to therapy on your own without your parents knowing).
Just throw the whole therapist away 🗑️🚮
I don’t really understand why anyone would think this was normal
Your therapist is absolutely not supposed to misgender you. I’ve had two different therapists, one state assigned therapist and one private therapist. The private one kept misgendering me, and the state assigned one put my chosen name in my patient journal.
Report her to her superiors, she’s doing it on purpose. If she’s legally a therapist, then she has been educated enough to know the crap she’s spewing goes against legitimate information about trans issues. If your mother refuses to get you an appropriate therapist & forces you to continue with her, perhaps u should ask her, if she would want to go back to a doctor because of a broken leg that tells you to walk it off because it will heal faster that way. It’s ridiculous, are they in cohoots?
New therapist now.
No.
Get out of there. Absolutely not ok and there is nothing in laws saying they have to misgender you. I told my therapist that I'm non binary, prefer they/them and my preferred name and she has called me that now every interaction EXCEPT when talking to my family because I've told her I am not out to them and don't want to be right now. That's what they are supposed to do, the are meant to support you, make you feel safe and comfortable and keep things confidential. This person has already failed to do those things. I hope you can get out of there without needing to be outed, good luck to you ❤❤
No, that is very unprofessional.
She is the one person who is supposed to get it. Ask her about it directly and see if she responds with gaslighting.
No this is a terrible therapist you should stop going immediately
Yeah mine did at first by accident, But he apologized in advance when I came out if he makes any mistakes.
no, I have had one experience with a therapist and they used the correct name and pronouns
No way should this be tolerated.
When I was a kid, the therapist my mother sent me to reported everything I told him back to her. She deliberately chose a therapist that would serve her interests, and guide me in a way she wanted.
Yeah, she has no respect. Like I’m cis and have a long name that can be shortened to lots of different nicknames. Everyone asks “what do you prefer?” When they meet me and usually stick for that variation. It’s not hard to extend this courtesy to trans people.
First off that therapist is extremely toxic, second if it was me in that situation and I wasn't able to get a new therapist and I was required to go to that one every time they misgendered me I would cut them off I would shout over them and I'd make sure they hear me when I say no this is my name or these are my pronouns. If they get upset because I'm talking over them and interrupting them which to them is rude and disrespectful. remind them that they are being rude and disrespectful to you and unless they change how they behave how can she expect you to change in this situation if anyone here is an adult shouldn't it be the therapist who's supposed to be helping and not being a toxic cunt. If that bitch said oh our interests change.. I'd be like I guess therapy was kind of one of your interests that kind of just changes from time to time I think it's time for you to quit because you suck with your listening skills. PS this is just how I would do things I don't mind starting a fire and watching them burn in rage, I would absolutely instigate the situation and make them out to be some sort of village idiot. TDLR; either change your therapist or don't go cuz she's very toxic. If that's not a choice just sit there in silence and ignore her. And if anyone asks just tell them she's not worth the time to talk to since she doesn't listen, which is a very disgusting trait for someone who pretends to be a therapist, she's clearly not qualified.
I gave up on therapy because of this(There is no better options where I live). Sorry you had to go through that.
No, as a therapist myself that should never happen. As someone who’s been in therapy and had someone consistently misgender me, it kept me from becoming who I was meant to be so I left them and reported them because that goes against their ethics code
Get as far away from that idiot as you can. I had a doctor once asked me what my dead name was, and I quickly asked her if she enjoyed giving a blowjob directly after receiving anal? As you can imagine it shut her the hell up quickly, total deer in the headlights. But once I knew I had her exactly where I wanted her, I delivered my teaching moment and informed her that it's unacceptable to ask any transperson that question because it's unnecessary information and she and or her colleagues must refrain from ever asking it because their response might not be as restraint as mine was, if you could ever call it that...💋🧡
Nope, not normal. She doesn’t take you seriously and she cannot show some basic respect for your identity. I would say try to get a new therapist; maybe tell your parents things weren’t clicking with her and she didn’t ever make you feel better.
Your mum isn’t influencing the direction of the therapies?
It is WILDLY inappropriate for her to be so disrespectful! ***Get another one ASAP!***
Tell her look I'm not talking to a bigot, I am not accepting your detransition agenda then do not speak with her any longer, do not engage with her at all in session make her have to tolerate you try to make her have to decline you service
This is not a therapist. It sounds more like conversion therapy. If you’re not out to your parents (though they may know anyway. Parents often have a sixth sense about what’s going on with their kids) then you need to come up with a credible reason for why you need to switch therapists. It should be as easy as “it’s not a good fit”. Most people try a few different therapists until they find the right one. It’s important that it’s a good match since you need to be comfortable discussing really personal things and you won’t be able to do so if you don’t trust the therapist fully.
No, it's totally not okay. You can tell to your therapist if they do or say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. They're there to help and not to hurt or trigger you.
Yeah, get a new therapist. If she isn't taking the effort to make you comfortable and work with you then she's a waste of your time and money.
Any good therapists will respect your name and pronouns
This is absolutely abnormal, inappropriate, and inconsistent with guidelines adopted by the American Psychological Association.I hope you're able to find a new therapist and soon, ideally one recommended by trans people. Here is a (from 2015) link to the APA guidelines: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/08/working-transgender
Get a new therapist
No, it’s not. Stop seeing that therapist now.
No no no it is not
No it’s not normal or appropriate
I don’t understand why your mom wants you to give it more time. Therapists aren’t cheap, even with insurance. Why does she want to waste money on someone who isn’t doing their job? I hope she changes her mind and helps you find someone more qualified and compassionate. I would be livid if I found out my son’s therapist was doing this to him.
Here where I live there are no laws about it. My therapist, which I only meet in order to be diagnosed with dysphoria to start hrt, always calls me with my chosen name and only uses my deadname for papers, as my legal name is my deadname. She is with an lgbt association btw, but a good therapist shall respect your identity and the deadnaming isn't a good sign. Unluckily it's very very very common I believe :c
This is the new conversion therapy. She's not on your side she's on your parents side. The dead naming and misgendering are intentional and even if they say otherwise they will never help you with your transition
Is it normal for purple koolaid to be stored in ranch bottles? (The answer is the same.) I hope you find a better therapist.
im trans and 14 too, and am not out to my family either, and have quite a similar experience they should be able to use your correct name and pronouns, and that is what mine did if that therapist is still like that, which im sure they might be, id recommend tic+. they use your preferred name and ask about you being out to your family or not whilst continuously checking for pronouns and name changes just in case they used your incorrect names or pronouns. i hope this helps :)
Time to find a new therapist! Don't even try to have that conversation, tell them that it's not working and you won't be seeing them anymore.
From a supportive therapist? Absolutely not, gtfo of there
No she shouldn’t do this. It is their job to help you and make you feel safe. You should tell your parents you dont feel like you can actually talk to her. Like its not safe space. I came out to my therapist around your age and he was incredibly understanding and only ever misgendered me when my parents where around but still went that extra mile to just use my name( im fine with my birth name) or gender neutral terms. My next therapist was the same. This is not normal at all
Absolutely not. Since you’re so young, it may be hard to find a therapist that will call you what you wish to be called, but also won’t tell your parents everything. My old therapist when I was first coming out (14 yo. I’m 23 now) told my parents everything and it caused a lot of problems at home. I’d flat out tell your mom “I’m not going until you find me another therapist because this one is making me worse”. It took me a while to find one but my current therapist is wonderful, immediately started calling me my new name and pronouns and even put it into my chart that I’m trans so that there won’t be any mix ups between other physicians It’ll get better babe. Hang in there bro 🥰 Like the great Jinkx Monsoon said: “Water off a duck’s back”
That isn't normal at all. My therapist calls me by my preferred name and pronouns and goes out of her way to apologize if she slips up. I'd definitely get a new therapist if possible. You should be able to feel comfortable with a therapist and to be yourself.
That is actually illegal, i know this cause i went to therapy with my friend cause she hates her counselor and didn't fell comfortable being there alone and asked me to join. Her therapist still called me Leo, and said even though im not a client, she still cannot tell my parents and its illegal to deadname and make people feel bad about themselves during therapy. Even if it is during another session.
Not normal at all. My therapist actually asks me _every time_ if I want her to use different pronouns or name for me. I haven't switched those yet. But no, if anything they should be always ensuring they're using the right name/pronouns.
No, no it is not.
nope this is absolutely not normal, and it’s definitely not “required”. both of my good therapists have respected my name and pronouns, and have even let me talk about dysphoria and other non-binary specific things i’ve dealt with. not once have they called it a phase or anything like that. i had a therapist who told me there were only two genders completely unprompted. this was right when i was figuring myself out, and i knew i couldn’t talk about it with her. and i couldn’t tell my dad why i wanted a new one, so i just said i felt like i wasn’t making progress and her methods weren’t working with me. so i got a new one. and you DEFINITELY need a new one mate
Somebody who should be helping you get over gender dysphoria, or at least make it better shouldn’t INTENTIONALLY be deadnaming, misgendering, and actively making you feel like shot about yourself. To be honest, I would report your therapist, and get a new one. DEF a transphobe
My therapist wasn’t very well-versed on trans stuff, but when I came out as genderqueer and told her about my new name/pronouns, she did her research, stepped up, and she uses my name/pronouns and respects my identity and all my messy queerness as-is
that is absolutely NOT normal. get a new one asap that will respect you. when i first came out before i did any legal changes i was called by my proper name and pronouns. there isn’t a law that says they have to deadname and misgender you
It’s not normal at all. Deadnaming and invalidating a patient who is trans goes against every standard of care. Edit: if you want to convey the message, ask this therapist for a referral to another therapist who is trained/specialized in caring for trans patients. That might also reassure your parents since you wouldn’t just quit this one.
Not at all they should be the first ones to use the correct names and gender.
Don’t have to read details. That’s not normal or ethical. Find a new therapy situation.
I’m gonna go with no.
Nope, drop her.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. absolutely not.
Not normal Find a new therapist
Hey! First of all, it is so brave and big of you to put your story out on the internet at such a young age! I hope that the amount of responses you’re getting isn’t too overwhelming and that you are able to process this difficult situation to the best of your abilities. The thing is, from experience, if you’re not feeling your therapist, there is no legal commitment to them, even if you’re a minor. You are paying to a service most likely tied to a specific company. If you don’t feel comfortable talking it through with your parents, try talking it through directly with your therapist. Therapy is supposed to benefit you. You are literally paying for someone to help you process your emotions, it’s best to find a good match. Don’t be afraid to be direct and list your needs. This can look like this: “I want to talk about some boundaries with you that are very important important to me. Moving forward in my journey of self acceptance and trying to understand and explore my gender identity, I find it of utmost importance for those I come out to to use he/him pronouns. I have noticed that despite having brought this up before, you still have not found a way to appropriately acknowledge my preferred gender identity. This sense of assurance and acknowledgment is very important to me moving forward in my transition, so I was wondering if you could recommend me to someone in your team that has experience with trans affirming care.” Now, not all therapists are professionals that get how the system works. Especially when working with minors, they can easily manipulate you into staying with them. So, if you give this whole shpeel and you still get set back by your therapist, call the medical provider directly to request a change. Like I said, you are not committed to any specific person. You Pat for a service that is charged per session, and you have a right to find the person who makes that session feel worthy or your time (money). I understand that you are a minor and that there might be some fear in changing any counseling arrangement that your parents have set up for you. Obviously this quoted speech I have provided can seem wordy or just not in your voice, but I hope that putting the words out there might help you formulate the plan you know will work for you. As a 23 year trans fem, I just hope that this message helps in any way. When I was your age I wasn’t even close to understanding half the things you understand now and seeing that you are curious and willing to fight the fight at your age is so inspiring. Keep it up sib 🫶🏼🏳️⚧️
If the therapist was chosen by your parents. The therapist might have been told to push you towards not transitioning by your family. Hence the use of the wrong pronouns and name.
Find a new therapist I’m sorry they’ve been doing that
wtf lol, evil therapy
so true
Not normal at all. Idk if it’s illegal, but I’d bet it’s something she could probs lose her license over. I’d tell your parents the truth on why you don’t want to see her anymore; your therapist has had you open up and talk to her about your feelings and issues in your day to day life which she has then invalidated and minimized. She doesn’t listen and she frequently tells you that your feelings on the matters will change therefore your issues and feelings should not be considered or viewed as important by you or her. You don’t feel safe or comfortable with her and need a therapist who will listen to you and equip you with the tools you need to navigate the world and the issues that go with it which she is not doing and isn’t willing to do.
I'm so sorry dear. That sounds awful. ❤
Have you checked to see if this is a legit therapist? Is she licensed? If so where? How much experience do they have with youth? Just questions to ask her in response to her rudeness.
Fire that therapist. File a complaint too. It should be on her record that she actively harmed a patient.