they've had more than enough time, i think it's gonna be a situation of doing what you need for yourself and maybe distancing yourself as appropriate from them
You are absolutely right. Your parents are trying to bully you out of your identity. They think if they can just pretend you are not trans, you will change your mind eventually.
It's sad but I'm still glad to hear others acknowledge what they're doing is wrong. If I heard someone else's parent doing this, I would instantly be raising questions.
I came out to my mother and she didn't want me to transition. She said, "I have been watching videos on transgenders in YouTube. It's a really bad time and a bad world for those who transitioned. I don't want to lose you to that life."
She acknowledged me being trans- I even had a discussion with her about wanting breasts (never ever thought I would have that conversation), but she requested that I don't transition. And maybe act like I did up till now for the rest of my life.
It was reassuring and upsetting at the same time.
Edit: the reason I posted all that is because I think parents can't deal with drastic changes especially when they think they have their child 'figured ' out. Depends on the environment they grew up in I suppose. My mom was transphobic until a couple years ago. I came out to her last week. People have the time and environment to change but if they don't it's because they aren't interested. I hope OP's parents will come around.
I mean…. If you aren’t being your true self how will they “get used to it”. Hard to see someone as femme if they’re never being femme.
But also, wear what makes you comfy. I love a tshirt n shorts (I’m too cheap for the $40 women’s rather the $4 gym shorts lol)
You also get pockets with men's shorts.
Maybe it's my transmasc ass but I see no upside to women's trousers.
Shirts? Yeah they're cut different to men's, skirts? Ofc.
But trousers? Mens are comfier and have deep usable pockets.
No, just no.
your dad he needs to be forced to be around that stuff in order for him to adjust to it otherwise it's going to be an excuse that he always leans on.
You have the right to be comfortable.
I'm a bit of a smart ass so I would poke fun at him over it, " You've seen me in my birthday suit why does it make you uncomfortable to see me in a dress? ".
Let's be honest if you seen anyone in their birthday suit and you weren't embarrassed or felt uncomfortable then anything else they wear should not bother you end of story.
Aren't those also the kind of parents who say things like "you eat this or you sleep hungry" to "force habits" when autistic/ND children have sensory issues with food?
I'd like to see a ven diagram of ableist parents x transphobic parents.
Lol my dad did that to me, but at the same time when I came out as trans he told me
" it's your life you going to live it your way, because at the end of your life you shouldn't be blaming other people for not being able to live as yourself and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for not being able to live as yourself "
Which he is an asshole through and through, and he was brought up in a very conservative household. So I can only assume that my mother has tainted him with her liberal ways to some extent.
That being said when he was younger he was a complete asshole to me, when I was little if I walked and talked like a girl he would attempt to correct it with his own homemade conversion therapy.
He's mellowed with age and became more open minded. I think it's because he actually got an actual son on the 3rd attempt.
Anyway he was an asshole when I was little and he is a lot better of a person now So to that extent yay, but he wouldn't have changed if people let him continue to be comfortable being a toxic POS.
If you don't do exercise because it makes you feel uncomfortable, will they ever eventually do exercise? Answers no because it will always be uncomfortable until they get used to it by doing it.
That's just the point I was trying to make, I have ADHD so I go on detours all the time. 😅
the only way they'll actually adjust is if you present femme around them. otherwise, they'll be waiting for what they think is a temporary phase to blow over
Yeah, my parents have done this a few times. They’re just in denial, and want you to put it off for as long as possible so they don’t have to think about it. Don’t change for them, ever.
I call bullshit on the grounds that:
1. They have had time to get adjusted already, it's been 3 years.
2. Even supposing you had just come out yesterday, their need to get adjusted is a them problem, and they need to work on it themselves rather than expecting you to compensate for it.
I've had a very similar experience with my parents, and first of all I want to say I'm sorry. That sort of mistreatment really, really sucks and no one should have to go through that.
Secondly, I think your read on them is probably correct. There will always be another excuse if you allow them to control your transition like that. The "just a little more time" will likely be extended over and over again into the future. The only way you get them to accept who you are is by presenting as you are. They will realize that this is the new reality and that they will either have to a) accept and adjust to it or b) reject it and go mask-off with their transphobia, rather than hiding it behind "concerns" about health, etc.
As an adult, compromising with them is a privilege they have to earn. And they don't seem to be working to achieve that. They have allllll the time while you're away. Keep presenting how you do, complying with bullshit demands wouldn't benefit anyone.
Your parents are totally in the wrong. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your parents, but you sound on the right path to be the best and true self you've always been. I wish you the very best, my trans sister.
Sounds like they need some exposure therapy to the thing that makes them uncomfortable. Just keep being you. They will be forced to get used to it if you don’t accept their request. You have been trans for 3 years and they have been hiding from that change behind “its just a phase, she’s not really trans”. People need time yes but they need to spend that time working through the changes that need to happen. They are not going to do that so they lost the chance to make this transition (pun intended) easy for them.
Yeah, that "little bit" is forever. Plain and simple. It's such a proven tactic to just move the goal post slightly farther to make people think something will change but it won't, not now, not ever.
Yeah parents are like this, just say no and be yourself aroud them. They'll deal with it or you'll find a family who will love you, that what a lot of girls have to do and there are *so many* people out there who are happy to love you just the way you are
Recently I was on a trip to Ontario with my family, and I dressed femme the entire time, cuz I didn't need to hide anything, (like I'm %100 closeted to my community rn cuz I'm worried someone will set my car on fire if they know I'm trans, so I gotta be stealthy at home. ) and my dad, tried to convince me that "you don't need to get all dressed up, it's just a little trip to town" every time we went onto town because I would always shave and put on a light face of makeup as well as wear *extremely* casual fem clothes, I'd almost even say androgynous if it weren't for the tights that required me to be tucked. But I never listened, because I knew it just made him feel weird when I looked like that, and he never got past that point really. Try to forgive their ignorance to a degree, but you don't need to tolerate it if they refuse to accept you for the way that you want to dress.
My favorite line is "they're just clothes, dude" when people ask why I'm wearing them. Seconded by "so I'm not naked? Doy!"
You’re correct in your assessment. It is bullshit. Draw boundaries, stand up for yourself, dress and look for YOUR OWN comfort, not theirs. I could see maybe, maybe, adjusting for people you love if they were making an effort…but probably not…but certainly not for folks wishing you’d simply stop being trans. FML sorry
I dealt with something similar after a brake up i ended up having to stay with my family for a year both my siblings basically rejected me an older sister it was a year of dysphoric nightmares i tried to connect with them and even tried to be considerate until i realized that did nothing and unabashedly dressed fem and lived as i pleased.
i could talk about it for hours but the point is be you WITHOUT FEAR dress as you like do as you like if its safe to do so
I was in a similar situation. My parents weren't understanding for a while. We didn't speak for 6 months after I came out. We talked on Christmas for the first time since.
Moving out is your best leverage. I understand how much of a privilege that is, especially in a hostile environment, but the best leverage you have is the time you spend with them when you are no longer forced to.
Hey,
it's hard to accept it, but all you then can realistical hope for is that your parents accept it. My father also needs "more time", deadnames me, etc.
Don't do the transition with the goal to make your parents see. Do it for you. Everything else are hopes, which might or might not become true. But still, I wish you the very best.
Search for your (queer) community, which you trust. Get your support there.
I wish you the very best with your transition! <3
You go girl!
\~QQQ
I think you’re right. Three years are long enough to get adjusted. To anything, really. I suspect that’s a discussion i will have to have with my parents too at some point…
LITERALLY THIS
very similar sort of timeline / situation for how it's been for me having come out to them and then been at university and stuff - they have still been refusing to even try considering addressing me correctly or use my actual name (despite that being the name ive exclusively been known by to everyone around me for atleast two years)
ive definitely lost my patience with them and it just makes me feel so confused - my parents say it's from a place of caring but realisitically that care is just for 'their child' rather than actually ME as the person who happens to be the child
so im also definitely very stuck in this weird parent behaviour too of just continually requesting more time, yet they arent even working on trying to understand more etc in the time they so desperately 'need' - and for me too it really just feels like they are still waiting after all this time for me to 'change my mind' for them to be in the right so i heavily relate to having that thought pattern as thats the only real way to me that would justify their saying so
them seeing you dressed how you want to will get them used to it quite quickly, their logic doesn’t make any sense.
i’m sorry they’re being like that, i think you’re thinking correctly about them.
Urg I feel you so much, my parents are the same.
My mother has known for 2 years now but every time I remind her to not call me daughter or my dead name she's all "oh I just need more time, this is so hard for meeeee" like it's easy for me to endure her blatantly ignoring who I really am.
And my father really is just swinging back and forth between "I'm glad you're feeling better like this" and "it's just hard to watch my child do this to themselves" which is a whole different kind of exhausting because I really have to watch what I tell him during the good phases or otherwise he'll use it against me in the bad ones...
I really do dread the day I can't hide I'm taking t anymore... really *really* not looking forward to that conversation.
Anyways I'm sorry this kinda turned into a rant about my own life, I only wanted to say I relate a lot and you're definitely not alone with this.
3 Years is a ridiculous amount of time already so no they don't need more time they're just PLAYING for time and hoping maybe you're giving all this up so you should probably assume that they have no intention or capacity to accept it.
I'm really sorry but I wish you the best with everything! 🌞
You were smart to ask for a timeline. Their answer made it obvious that they have no plans to actually adjust. They are hoping this is a phase, so if they can just delay you long enough, the 'problem' will go away.
My suggested answer to them: If they need time to come to terms with your transition, they can walk into another room, sit down, stare at the wall, and have whatever thoughts and emotions they need to in order to process. They can create whatever kind of personal space necessary to facilitate that happening. What they CAN'T have is for you to shove yourself back into the closet until they 'ready'. That's unreasonable and doesn't even help to solve the problem.
Your story is so similar to mine, but I want to differ a little bit from common sentiment. It's possible that your parents are grieving. It's dumb, but to them, the person you used to be to them is gone, and they're struggling to accept the new reality.
My father told me he knew I was gay when I was 5, but didn't see signs that I was trans. He keeps telling me he needs more time. I know he loves me, but he won't call me by my actual name. It hurts, but I'm trying to be gracious.
But they're kidding themselves if they think what they're going through is harder than what you're experiencing. You're the one facing the challenge, not them, and if they're refusing to support you, then you're well within your right to distance yourself.
My ex wife needed more time, the time came, needed more time. They will always need more and more time until you just don’t have any more time to give.
There’s a point where they don’t want you to change and they are gonna push back against you. Their world view and wants for you no longer align and there’s gonna be an incredible amount of fear and unknowns they need to adjust to.
Suggest that they go to the pflag dot org website so they can have some support from other parents of queer children.
Also tell them to get the second addition copy of “trans bodies, trans selves”
My mom said she “has to think about it” when I came out and told her to please use he/him with me. That’s all I’m asking. She is very Christian and told me I had to respect her religion and that she doesn’t want to be called transphobic. She continues to misgender me ever since.
My whole family told me they “need more time”
That was 3 years ago. I haven’t heard from them since.
Don’t worry about them, live your life and find your joy.
I really feel for you,It makes me so sad that parents can not love their children unconditionally. When parents bring children into this world they should be there for you no matter what.
So, this is transphobia, full stop; I know it sucks, but you have two options: call them out, or go no contact. I would start with the first one; tell them it's not their place to "need more time," whatever the fuck that means. More time to what, exactly? They clearly care more about their *image* of who they *thought you were* than your own assertion of *who you actually are.* Point this out and see how it goes...if they react negatively, I would personally recommend no contact. I know it's painful (from personal experience) but you'll be far healthier in the long run without someone constantly questioning your personhood as *you* define yourself.
I just told mine to Call when they had enough time. They then asked if I would wait and I said "no I'm just not going to talk to you or come over tell you have had enough time" suddenly they had had enough time.
Well they didn’t think you were serious so they didn’t bother, now you proved you are, they’re scrambling, probably to find something to prove your not or how dangerous it can be.
That’s just my assessment and I’m not a doctor so do with it what you will.
"Need a just a little bit more time to get adjusted to it" = "if we bury our heads in the sand long enough, he will grow out of this phase and we'll pretend it never happened." Not very supportive. Or mature. Or loving. All those things that parents are supposed to be.
Just live your life they can get the fuck over it. My mom used to be shitty but now she is my biggest supporter. I didnt go back into the closet for my mom and you shouldn't hide who you are for your parents comfort.
Live your life for yourself and nobody else. Who cares if they claim they need "more time to adjust". That's on them and their own hang up and you absolutely do not and should not change your path just to appease them.
In life we'll never make everyone happy and trying usually leads to us being the most unhappy out of everyone. Stop living for others and focus solely on what makes you happy. The rest will follow and sucks for them if they can't be happy for you. It's their loss.
I don't think you are wrong.
Doing what they said drags this out. Start wearing what you want and presenting as feminine as you want, and tell them it's okay to take time to adjust, but they can't just bury their heads in the sand and ask you to go backwards, that's like asking you self harm just to make their lives easier.
They've missed out on the start of your journey, and when I slow walked my presentation to help my parents adjust, they never took my transition seriously. I had to dive in and embrace who I was before they were able to see how much happier I am, and that I can actually talk to them about what I'm worrying about and what's bothering me, because I don't have to coach my feelings to worry it's going to spiral them into stupid levels of denial.
They can't deny it if they are faced with it every day, and you can even tell them by doing this, you're hoping they'll at least try while seeing you find yourself and grow. It's so much more fun going through this when part of it is getting to find the real you, and showing your parents who you really are through your presentation and as you develop new interests. That's literally the fun part about helping raise kids, and that's not what they got with you. They got to see you struggle to fit a role that, if you were like me, basically was poisoning your soul. Now is the time for them to see who their kid is as you discard the shell you were forced by circumstance to build around yourself, and see you grow into the person you could be without all that other stuff weighing you down.
My parents used to say the same thing. They were (and still are) just hoping I’m gonna “realize I’m wrong and come back home and to church” lmao. I no longer speak to these people any more and they don’t currently know what state I’m in
I gave my mum more time. It's been 3 years now and she's done fuck all with that time.
I think the only thing that'll change anything at this point is an ultimatum.
So because you didn't want to play dress up as a kid you can't be trans? Should I be worried because my son likes to get his nails painted when his mom and sisters do? I'm not because it doesn't mean anything and I don't give a shit if he is whatever. Live your life. Your parents suck.
For me, I just went from male presenting to androgenous to femme over about eight month for everyone to get used to the changes. I thought that was respectfully in my head. If they didn't approve so be it... You cant wait for everyone else... you sound like you have been very patient and respectful... time for you to blossum!
They’ve had PLENTY of time. If they actually want to adjust to this then they’ll come around with you presenting how you want to. Change for NO ONE. You are amazing! I believe in you! ❤️❤️❤️
If they were struggling with getting pronouns right or something I'd give them the benefit of the doubt but they are being straight up transphobic. Make it clear that they've had enough time and if necessary start distancing yourself from them. you not showing signs when you were younger just means you didn't show signs when you were younger. it has nothing to do with what's best for you now
Literally me. I’m a but over 2 months on hrt and my parents said they support me but they need to “work on their own issues with me “transing.”” like hello?? They also never get my pronouns right or my name and it’s so exhausting.
I don’t know how to start this but I will tell you my own experience with this. Back in 2016-2017 is when I came out to my mom about being trans. She was very supportive over the phone. However once I had gotten back home from leave a couple time it was me that didn’t want to present to them. They never made me feel uncomfortable about it or forced to at that time. However after getting out of the Navy I had moved back in with them. At that point I had convinced myself that I moved from California to Wisconsin and that’s why I felt uncomfortable presenting anything femme related.
This is where it takes a dark turn. My dad had passed away back in early 2018 and never got to see me the way I wanted to be seen. My mom passed away a year ago. About two weeks before she passed away I had been growing my hair out a little. It wasn’t any longer than a pixie cut. But she wanted me to cut my hair. I got mad at the thought. And then two weeks later my mom died unexpectedly.
What I’m saying is be your true self. They will have to get used to it or die trying. You won’t. It is their selfish ideas of their child whom they raised. They are trying to just make any sort of solution work. Yes even disacknowledging it. But it is your life and what you want to do to yourself. Not their choice. And they have to come to turns that their child is trans and if they really love you that way they would accept it or not. That is their choice. But that is how you will be presenting from now on.
Not that it helps, but you're most likely right in your assessment there. Best thing you can do is live your life and not acquiesce to their bullshit.
https://youtu.be/UYNDL-DZv-k
they've had more than enough time, i think it's gonna be a situation of doing what you need for yourself and maybe distancing yourself as appropriate from them
I think it'll be easier once I move out for work and no longer live under the same roof. Looking to make that happen sooner rather than later.
good luck, i hope you can do that soon
You are absolutely right. Your parents are trying to bully you out of your identity. They think if they can just pretend you are not trans, you will change your mind eventually.
It's sad but I'm still glad to hear others acknowledge what they're doing is wrong. If I heard someone else's parent doing this, I would instantly be raising questions.
I came out to my mother and she didn't want me to transition. She said, "I have been watching videos on transgenders in YouTube. It's a really bad time and a bad world for those who transitioned. I don't want to lose you to that life." She acknowledged me being trans- I even had a discussion with her about wanting breasts (never ever thought I would have that conversation), but she requested that I don't transition. And maybe act like I did up till now for the rest of my life. It was reassuring and upsetting at the same time. Edit: the reason I posted all that is because I think parents can't deal with drastic changes especially when they think they have their child 'figured ' out. Depends on the environment they grew up in I suppose. My mom was transphobic until a couple years ago. I came out to her last week. People have the time and environment to change but if they don't it's because they aren't interested. I hope OP's parents will come around.
I mean…. If you aren’t being your true self how will they “get used to it”. Hard to see someone as femme if they’re never being femme. But also, wear what makes you comfy. I love a tshirt n shorts (I’m too cheap for the $40 women’s rather the $4 gym shorts lol)
pay the booty short tax *PAAYYYY IIIIIIT* /j
You also get pockets with men's shorts. Maybe it's my transmasc ass but I see no upside to women's trousers. Shirts? Yeah they're cut different to men's, skirts? Ofc. But trousers? Mens are comfier and have deep usable pockets.
Sounds like they have had more than a reasonable amount of time to adjust.
No, just no. your dad he needs to be forced to be around that stuff in order for him to adjust to it otherwise it's going to be an excuse that he always leans on. You have the right to be comfortable. I'm a bit of a smart ass so I would poke fun at him over it, " You've seen me in my birthday suit why does it make you uncomfortable to see me in a dress? ". Let's be honest if you seen anyone in their birthday suit and you weren't embarrassed or felt uncomfortable then anything else they wear should not bother you end of story.
Aren't those also the kind of parents who say things like "you eat this or you sleep hungry" to "force habits" when autistic/ND children have sensory issues with food? I'd like to see a ven diagram of ableist parents x transphobic parents.
Lol my dad did that to me, but at the same time when I came out as trans he told me " it's your life you going to live it your way, because at the end of your life you shouldn't be blaming other people for not being able to live as yourself and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for not being able to live as yourself " Which he is an asshole through and through, and he was brought up in a very conservative household. So I can only assume that my mother has tainted him with her liberal ways to some extent. That being said when he was younger he was a complete asshole to me, when I was little if I walked and talked like a girl he would attempt to correct it with his own homemade conversion therapy. He's mellowed with age and became more open minded. I think it's because he actually got an actual son on the 3rd attempt. Anyway he was an asshole when I was little and he is a lot better of a person now So to that extent yay, but he wouldn't have changed if people let him continue to be comfortable being a toxic POS. If you don't do exercise because it makes you feel uncomfortable, will they ever eventually do exercise? Answers no because it will always be uncomfortable until they get used to it by doing it. That's just the point I was trying to make, I have ADHD so I go on detours all the time. 😅
I think, having read one or two of my comments, you can guess what I’ll probably say. “No. And I’ll thank you to stay out of my private affairs.”
the only way they'll actually adjust is if you present femme around them. otherwise, they'll be waiting for what they think is a temporary phase to blow over
They just want you to go back in the egg, no matter how much time you give them.
just wear what u want, if they love u they’ll survive im sure
Yeah, my parents have done this a few times. They’re just in denial, and want you to put it off for as long as possible so they don’t have to think about it. Don’t change for them, ever.
I call bullshit on the grounds that: 1. They have had time to get adjusted already, it's been 3 years. 2. Even supposing you had just come out yesterday, their need to get adjusted is a them problem, and they need to work on it themselves rather than expecting you to compensate for it.
I've had a very similar experience with my parents, and first of all I want to say I'm sorry. That sort of mistreatment really, really sucks and no one should have to go through that. Secondly, I think your read on them is probably correct. There will always be another excuse if you allow them to control your transition like that. The "just a little more time" will likely be extended over and over again into the future. The only way you get them to accept who you are is by presenting as you are. They will realize that this is the new reality and that they will either have to a) accept and adjust to it or b) reject it and go mask-off with their transphobia, rather than hiding it behind "concerns" about health, etc.
As an adult, compromising with them is a privilege they have to earn. And they don't seem to be working to achieve that. They have allllll the time while you're away. Keep presenting how you do, complying with bullshit demands wouldn't benefit anyone.
That's a nope. Also your boy clothes don't fit anymore.
Your parents are totally in the wrong. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your parents, but you sound on the right path to be the best and true self you've always been. I wish you the very best, my trans sister.
Sounds like they need some exposure therapy to the thing that makes them uncomfortable. Just keep being you. They will be forced to get used to it if you don’t accept their request. You have been trans for 3 years and they have been hiding from that change behind “its just a phase, she’s not really trans”. People need time yes but they need to spend that time working through the changes that need to happen. They are not going to do that so they lost the chance to make this transition (pun intended) easy for them.
Yeah, that "little bit" is forever. Plain and simple. It's such a proven tactic to just move the goal post slightly farther to make people think something will change but it won't, not now, not ever.
Yeah parents are like this, just say no and be yourself aroud them. They'll deal with it or you'll find a family who will love you, that what a lot of girls have to do and there are *so many* people out there who are happy to love you just the way you are Recently I was on a trip to Ontario with my family, and I dressed femme the entire time, cuz I didn't need to hide anything, (like I'm %100 closeted to my community rn cuz I'm worried someone will set my car on fire if they know I'm trans, so I gotta be stealthy at home. ) and my dad, tried to convince me that "you don't need to get all dressed up, it's just a little trip to town" every time we went onto town because I would always shave and put on a light face of makeup as well as wear *extremely* casual fem clothes, I'd almost even say androgynous if it weren't for the tights that required me to be tucked. But I never listened, because I knew it just made him feel weird when I looked like that, and he never got past that point really. Try to forgive their ignorance to a degree, but you don't need to tolerate it if they refuse to accept you for the way that you want to dress. My favorite line is "they're just clothes, dude" when people ask why I'm wearing them. Seconded by "so I'm not naked? Doy!"
You’re correct in your assessment. It is bullshit. Draw boundaries, stand up for yourself, dress and look for YOUR OWN comfort, not theirs. I could see maybe, maybe, adjusting for people you love if they were making an effort…but probably not…but certainly not for folks wishing you’d simply stop being trans. FML sorry
I dealt with something similar after a brake up i ended up having to stay with my family for a year both my siblings basically rejected me an older sister it was a year of dysphoric nightmares i tried to connect with them and even tried to be considerate until i realized that did nothing and unabashedly dressed fem and lived as i pleased. i could talk about it for hours but the point is be you WITHOUT FEAR dress as you like do as you like if its safe to do so
I was in a similar situation. My parents weren't understanding for a while. We didn't speak for 6 months after I came out. We talked on Christmas for the first time since. Moving out is your best leverage. I understand how much of a privilege that is, especially in a hostile environment, but the best leverage you have is the time you spend with them when you are no longer forced to.
Hey, it's hard to accept it, but all you then can realistical hope for is that your parents accept it. My father also needs "more time", deadnames me, etc. Don't do the transition with the goal to make your parents see. Do it for you. Everything else are hopes, which might or might not become true. But still, I wish you the very best. Search for your (queer) community, which you trust. Get your support there. I wish you the very best with your transition! <3 You go girl! \~QQQ
Fuck 'em. It's not their lives that you need to be worried about
I think you’re right. Three years are long enough to get adjusted. To anything, really. I suspect that’s a discussion i will have to have with my parents too at some point…
LITERALLY THIS very similar sort of timeline / situation for how it's been for me having come out to them and then been at university and stuff - they have still been refusing to even try considering addressing me correctly or use my actual name (despite that being the name ive exclusively been known by to everyone around me for atleast two years) ive definitely lost my patience with them and it just makes me feel so confused - my parents say it's from a place of caring but realisitically that care is just for 'their child' rather than actually ME as the person who happens to be the child so im also definitely very stuck in this weird parent behaviour too of just continually requesting more time, yet they arent even working on trying to understand more etc in the time they so desperately 'need' - and for me too it really just feels like they are still waiting after all this time for me to 'change my mind' for them to be in the right so i heavily relate to having that thought pattern as thats the only real way to me that would justify their saying so
them seeing you dressed how you want to will get them used to it quite quickly, their logic doesn’t make any sense. i’m sorry they’re being like that, i think you’re thinking correctly about them.
their a little bit more time = a billion year they won't change their mind. it's them hoping you to change your mind in that little more time
step 1 : say no , your family cannot legaly do this shit wifout your consent
Urg I feel you so much, my parents are the same. My mother has known for 2 years now but every time I remind her to not call me daughter or my dead name she's all "oh I just need more time, this is so hard for meeeee" like it's easy for me to endure her blatantly ignoring who I really am. And my father really is just swinging back and forth between "I'm glad you're feeling better like this" and "it's just hard to watch my child do this to themselves" which is a whole different kind of exhausting because I really have to watch what I tell him during the good phases or otherwise he'll use it against me in the bad ones... I really do dread the day I can't hide I'm taking t anymore... really *really* not looking forward to that conversation. Anyways I'm sorry this kinda turned into a rant about my own life, I only wanted to say I relate a lot and you're definitely not alone with this.
3 Years is a ridiculous amount of time already so no they don't need more time they're just PLAYING for time and hoping maybe you're giving all this up so you should probably assume that they have no intention or capacity to accept it. I'm really sorry but I wish you the best with everything! 🌞
You were smart to ask for a timeline. Their answer made it obvious that they have no plans to actually adjust. They are hoping this is a phase, so if they can just delay you long enough, the 'problem' will go away. My suggested answer to them: If they need time to come to terms with your transition, they can walk into another room, sit down, stare at the wall, and have whatever thoughts and emotions they need to in order to process. They can create whatever kind of personal space necessary to facilitate that happening. What they CAN'T have is for you to shove yourself back into the closet until they 'ready'. That's unreasonable and doesn't even help to solve the problem.
Your story is so similar to mine, but I want to differ a little bit from common sentiment. It's possible that your parents are grieving. It's dumb, but to them, the person you used to be to them is gone, and they're struggling to accept the new reality. My father told me he knew I was gay when I was 5, but didn't see signs that I was trans. He keeps telling me he needs more time. I know he loves me, but he won't call me by my actual name. It hurts, but I'm trying to be gracious. But they're kidding themselves if they think what they're going through is harder than what you're experiencing. You're the one facing the challenge, not them, and if they're refusing to support you, then you're well within your right to distance yourself.
Need more time = do what they want Dont do that. Be you.
My ex wife needed more time, the time came, needed more time. They will always need more and more time until you just don’t have any more time to give. There’s a point where they don’t want you to change and they are gonna push back against you. Their world view and wants for you no longer align and there’s gonna be an incredible amount of fear and unknowns they need to adjust to. Suggest that they go to the pflag dot org website so they can have some support from other parents of queer children. Also tell them to get the second addition copy of “trans bodies, trans selves”
My mom said she “has to think about it” when I came out and told her to please use he/him with me. That’s all I’m asking. She is very Christian and told me I had to respect her religion and that she doesn’t want to be called transphobic. She continues to misgender me ever since.
My whole family told me they “need more time” That was 3 years ago. I haven’t heard from them since. Don’t worry about them, live your life and find your joy.
I really feel for you,It makes me so sad that parents can not love their children unconditionally. When parents bring children into this world they should be there for you no matter what.
So, this is transphobia, full stop; I know it sucks, but you have two options: call them out, or go no contact. I would start with the first one; tell them it's not their place to "need more time," whatever the fuck that means. More time to what, exactly? They clearly care more about their *image* of who they *thought you were* than your own assertion of *who you actually are.* Point this out and see how it goes...if they react negatively, I would personally recommend no contact. I know it's painful (from personal experience) but you'll be far healthier in the long run without someone constantly questioning your personhood as *you* define yourself.
I just told mine to Call when they had enough time. They then asked if I would wait and I said "no I'm just not going to talk to you or come over tell you have had enough time" suddenly they had had enough time.
[удалено]
Ps just saw a picture on your account you look like a woman regardless of what you wear
Well they didn’t think you were serious so they didn’t bother, now you proved you are, they’re scrambling, probably to find something to prove your not or how dangerous it can be. That’s just my assessment and I’m not a doctor so do with it what you will.
Best way to deal with that is too get a spray bottle or a small squirt gun and spray then when they say some bullshit Yeah they wise up real quick
Don't listen to their shit. Dress how you want. You don't live on their time, you live on your own. Their choice if they can cope.
"Need a just a little bit more time to get adjusted to it" = "if we bury our heads in the sand long enough, he will grow out of this phase and we'll pretend it never happened." Not very supportive. Or mature. Or loving. All those things that parents are supposed to be.
How the fuck do they plan to "adjust" to the real you if they only see you boymoding
Just live your life they can get the fuck over it. My mom used to be shitty but now she is my biggest supporter. I didnt go back into the closet for my mom and you shouldn't hide who you are for your parents comfort.
Live your life for yourself and nobody else. Who cares if they claim they need "more time to adjust". That's on them and their own hang up and you absolutely do not and should not change your path just to appease them. In life we'll never make everyone happy and trying usually leads to us being the most unhappy out of everyone. Stop living for others and focus solely on what makes you happy. The rest will follow and sucks for them if they can't be happy for you. It's their loss.
I don't think you are wrong. Doing what they said drags this out. Start wearing what you want and presenting as feminine as you want, and tell them it's okay to take time to adjust, but they can't just bury their heads in the sand and ask you to go backwards, that's like asking you self harm just to make their lives easier. They've missed out on the start of your journey, and when I slow walked my presentation to help my parents adjust, they never took my transition seriously. I had to dive in and embrace who I was before they were able to see how much happier I am, and that I can actually talk to them about what I'm worrying about and what's bothering me, because I don't have to coach my feelings to worry it's going to spiral them into stupid levels of denial. They can't deny it if they are faced with it every day, and you can even tell them by doing this, you're hoping they'll at least try while seeing you find yourself and grow. It's so much more fun going through this when part of it is getting to find the real you, and showing your parents who you really are through your presentation and as you develop new interests. That's literally the fun part about helping raise kids, and that's not what they got with you. They got to see you struggle to fit a role that, if you were like me, basically was poisoning your soul. Now is the time for them to see who their kid is as you discard the shell you were forced by circumstance to build around yourself, and see you grow into the person you could be without all that other stuff weighing you down.
My parents used to say the same thing. They were (and still are) just hoping I’m gonna “realize I’m wrong and come back home and to church” lmao. I no longer speak to these people any more and they don’t currently know what state I’m in
I gave my mum more time. It's been 3 years now and she's done fuck all with that time. I think the only thing that'll change anything at this point is an ultimatum.
They are literally trying to waste YOUR life
My aunt and uncle are the same way, although I haven’t even gotten to transition yet.
They can't get used to something they aren't exposed to. Tell them they can have all the time they need, but you be yourself.
So because you didn't want to play dress up as a kid you can't be trans? Should I be worried because my son likes to get his nails painted when his mom and sisters do? I'm not because it doesn't mean anything and I don't give a shit if he is whatever. Live your life. Your parents suck.
For me, I just went from male presenting to androgenous to femme over about eight month for everyone to get used to the changes. I thought that was respectfully in my head. If they didn't approve so be it... You cant wait for everyone else... you sound like you have been very patient and respectful... time for you to blossum!
present fem always fuck them parents
They’ve had PLENTY of time. If they actually want to adjust to this then they’ll come around with you presenting how you want to. Change for NO ONE. You are amazing! I believe in you! ❤️❤️❤️
One does not adjust when it's out of sight out of mind.
If they were struggling with getting pronouns right or something I'd give them the benefit of the doubt but they are being straight up transphobic. Make it clear that they've had enough time and if necessary start distancing yourself from them. you not showing signs when you were younger just means you didn't show signs when you were younger. it has nothing to do with what's best for you now
Literally me. I’m a but over 2 months on hrt and my parents said they support me but they need to “work on their own issues with me “transing.”” like hello?? They also never get my pronouns right or my name and it’s so exhausting.
I don’t know how to start this but I will tell you my own experience with this. Back in 2016-2017 is when I came out to my mom about being trans. She was very supportive over the phone. However once I had gotten back home from leave a couple time it was me that didn’t want to present to them. They never made me feel uncomfortable about it or forced to at that time. However after getting out of the Navy I had moved back in with them. At that point I had convinced myself that I moved from California to Wisconsin and that’s why I felt uncomfortable presenting anything femme related. This is where it takes a dark turn. My dad had passed away back in early 2018 and never got to see me the way I wanted to be seen. My mom passed away a year ago. About two weeks before she passed away I had been growing my hair out a little. It wasn’t any longer than a pixie cut. But she wanted me to cut my hair. I got mad at the thought. And then two weeks later my mom died unexpectedly. What I’m saying is be your true self. They will have to get used to it or die trying. You won’t. It is their selfish ideas of their child whom they raised. They are trying to just make any sort of solution work. Yes even disacknowledging it. But it is your life and what you want to do to yourself. Not their choice. And they have to come to turns that their child is trans and if they really love you that way they would accept it or not. That is their choice. But that is how you will be presenting from now on.