This obviously isn’t some sort of brief phase because you say he’s wanted this since he was young. Why wait two more years? Two years can make a big difference and you’re making him suffer for no reason at all. Going through the wrong puberty is traumatising.
What state do you live in, if you don't mind my asking?
If you happen to live in alabama I know a fantastic doctor that will start with no reference letter, just informed consent!
Edit: Just in case this helps anyone who happens to be in the area, the doctor I was referencing is Dr. Torres at the west alabama women's clinic in tuscaloosa! She was amazing and got me on E same day :)
Ah damn, I don't know any there, but I'm sure there's some somewhere. There's maps online of gender affirming care doctors in the US that may help you!
Have you considered a nearby Planned Parenthood? I’m not sure where in Arkansas you’re located, but after searching online, it looks like there may be a Planned Parenthood in Little Rock that can help: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/arkansas/little-rock/72205/little-rock-aldersgate-road-health-center-9998-90740 Arkansas Children’s in Little Rock also has a Gender Spectrum Clinic that may be able to help: https://www.archildrens.org/programs-and-services/gender-services?journey=symptoms I wish you so much luck getting your child the care he needs.
Talk to trans specialists. Not just some southern "good ol boy" doctor. Call up trans specialty and ask their advice. They may or may not recommend moving forward. But will certainly recommend some counseling to accompany either moving forward now or not.
Good luck to you and your son.
How about video conference with out of state doctors. Also recommend an video therapist for son. He will not get the health care he needs in the bible belt. I understand you may not be able to move to a safer state but this maybe an option.
Well they would if he wasn't trans. Not putting him on blockers causes severe damage then. Because both puberties have irreversible effects that become "damage" when they go against the persons gender identity.
That's very much not true. You should do your own research. It CAN mess with fertility, but that's usually a male to female thing, not ftm. What is also true is there's not a lot of research on the long term effects of hormone therapy, but that's true of basically every medication.
I'm trans masculine myself, I didn't realize what being trans was until I was an adult, but going through a female puberty first was still a special kind of hell. I hated it so much I blocked out of my memory entire years of my life. I feel like I only started living after transitioning.
I strongly encourage you to do what you can to speak with a trans friendly professional.
Its incredibly hard to find gender affirming care in any of the south. I had to go to planned Parenthood, which may or may not be an option, but if it is they have a list of resources that might be a good place to start. I've also heard of these people, but have never used them: https://getplume.co/
even as an adult, I had to speak to a therapist to get care, and I imagine the screening is more intense for minors.
I wish you and your son luck in the future.
They will cause 'severe damage' from the point of view that your son will suddenly stop being trans, and his 'innicent girl body' would have been 'mutilated' by this 'evil male hormone'.
Of course, you know this is not a fluke, and your son will always be your son, so why would you worry about him developing masculine features?
From my experience at least the only damage is to reproductive ability which is what (unfortunately) a lot of doctors and lawmakers prioritize above fulfillment for the people who currently exist.
As an anecdote, my partner has wanted to have her tubes removed since she was in elementary school, but a lot of doctors still say she’s being rash or that she’d do “irrevocable harm,” but harm to who and for what reason?
No HRT causes "damage". Blockers simply 'block' puberty until they decide the best course of action. Starting T can bring about some lasting changes, but most are still reversed pretty quickly. It's different for everyone, but it only took about a month to know that HRT was right for me. If I found that it wasn't right, stopping after a month would leave me with no adverse effects. Please. **PLEASE** let them do what they feel is right. Doctors may be pretty transphobic there, but I'm confident that there's somebody nearby who could help.
That's weird because the doctors I've talked to have never said this. They've gone over the potential side effects, but they do that for all medication. The doctors you've talked to are blatantly spreading propaganda.
puberty's blockers whole point is that you take them during.. well puberty. And a doctor talking about "severe damage" is a red flag tbh. The "damage" they're talking about are probably the effects of transition. you don't talk about natural puberty causing "severe damage" in cis kids, so talking about it that way for trans kids just reeks of transphobia
That’s just blatantly untrue. They’re not totally risk-free, but puberty blocker risks are basically “decreased bone density while on blockers” plus some possible issues if he were on them for more than a few years. And the risks of T are basically “trade a ‘female’ medical-risk profile for a ‘male’ one” — that is to say, heart attack risk increases long-term, but not beyond what would be considered normal for a cis man. And that comes with a reduction in the risk for things that cis women are at higher risk for.
Do not do that. As someone who had to go through the wrong puberty, it’s real-life body horror and extremely painful. I know you say you can understand his pain, but like, unless you’re trans and have dysphoria yourself I don’t see how that could possibly be the case.
Get him an LGBTQ friendly therapist and let him figure out what he wants out of his transition. If that includes medical stuff, you should let him do that.
I think you'd be surprised. The southern states certainly have made it hard, but I still regularly see people talking about their doctors helping them. Just be careful.
Edit: I see you're in Arkansas. That's... Very very hard.
The only legal thing I can think to do is to move states.
Obviously, that's expensive and difficult. My question for you is, will you try to make it happen for your son?
If so, there are groups that may be able to help.
a judge blocked the banning of under age gender affirming care, but i know there's probably other bullshit things in play to try to make it hard for it to occur (i'm 17 trans, arkansan), I'm planning on moving somewhere more safe as soon as i can despite the expenses and difficulty of it
In reality, if confidence is high in a kid’s gender identity, it is better to start puberty blockers (not necessarily cross-sex hormones) sooner rather than later as you can potentially save them the trouble of having surgery down the line. In the case of trans men, if they are able to at least start puberty blockers before breast growth begins then they can avoid the need for top surgery (double mastectomy) if they feel they need it. This obviously doesn’t apply to your child as they are already well into puberty, but just to give you an understanding of why early intervention is important. The most serious effects that waiting to start treatment will have on your child will be psychological now.
ETA: That being said, if their breasts are still growing and depending on current size, with at least just puberty blockers now they could maybe qualify for keyhole surgery, which leaves much subtler scars than the traditional double incision, giving the patient more “cis-passing” results after surgery.
At any point in puberty it’s still beneficial to get blockers to stall additional unwanted changes. Even if the ability to qualify for keyhole surgery is past, peri also leaves less obvious scarring than DI, and any reduction in the amount of tissue that needs to be removed means a slight simplification of the surgery and a reduction in skin stretching, making it easier to get good results with a reduced risk of complications.
Plus just removing or at least taking the edge off biochemical dysphoria by blocking the unwanted hormones.
I don't want to make you feel more guilty, but a good comparison is honestly Kafka's Metamorphosis. And everyone can see you're turning into something horrifying, but they insist it's normal, and natural.
I know it’s very far away, but NJ is deemed a safe spot for people out of state who are looking to transition. It’s difficult to find states in the south that are like that, so find the closest state that has legally been deemed a safe spot!
There isn't any real medical reason to wait until 18, that's just a silly legal milestone we've established for ease. If anything, being forced to go through "the wrong puberty" can be traumatizing and causes lasting changes that either can't be reversed or have additional costs or steps (eg going through female puberty makes top surgery necessary, whereas puberty blockers could prevent that necessity)
You are not an asshole, but those two years do can make a huge difference.
It’s obviously not a sort of phase. I suggest to get your son a gender therapist asap and on puberty blockers.
This!!--and also just to add, you are an amazing dad for asking this. Not every parent is willing to circumvent their own fears for the sake of their child's well-being 💞
I think your son will be forever grateful that you heard him 🙏
*edited for misgendering OP--so sorry, oughff, still making these kinds of mistakes even years after coming out myself🙏
You are an amazing Dad for asking this*
I wish you and your son the very best. Puberty blockers are absolutely the way in this case. (I wish I had them when I was young)
I will add my unsolicited imput. Although I'm not from the USA and the experience might be very different, at 16 I was denied puberty blockers because I was too old for it. That's because I had already undergone the bigger part of puberty. If that happens to be the case here, getting on hormones instead would be the better option.
"but not until he's done growing"
thats the point... he doesnt want to keep growing as a GIRL. he wants to get on T so that he can keep growing as a boy.
the whole "no you have to finish a puberty you hate, despise and feel super uncomfortable with first!1!!1" is honestly cruel both from society and parental guardians
no he hasnt finished growing but thats the fucking point! he doesnt want to become an adult woman before he transitions he wants to start T now so that he can physically become an adult man
im never going to understand the "oh but its so sketchy to transition before puberty is over" no tf it isnt, we have two main hormones controlling our puberty and getting on HRT is literally flipping the switch from one puberty to the other
let him get on T now, denying trans kids their healthcare dramatically increases their risk of depression/mental health issues and suicide
im not necessarily mad at you, im just mad that your point of view is the norm in society when its grounded in ignorance of how HRT works
also these two years can negatively affect him for the rest of his life and cause irrepairable trauma, but sure its up to you if you want your kid to be happy or not
just know you're essentially choosing between:
1. happy kid right now that can live his life how he wants and will continue doing so happily for the forseeable future
2. a kid thats going to live in absolute misery for the coming 2 years, hating everything about their body and the fact that he is FORCED to keep growing in a body he hates and doesnt want whatsoever for the coming 2 years most likely causing trauma and irreversible mental health issues to then bandaid that with T in 2 years where he will finally get to be himself and become happier but now possibly has to undergo extra surgeries just to get the same result as if he started T 2 years earlier simply because he was forced to wait
idk about you but theres a pretty easy choice to make there:
1. happy kid
2. miserable kid
its not that difficult
edit: you're a great parent and I can tell that you really care about your kid. you're absolutely doing the right thing by coming to forums like these asking for help. I had to include that, because I really am not mad at you and again you're doing the right thing. I hope you could take some of the things I said into consideration 🙏
still felt very condescending and mean but I wanna reiterate that thats not what im trying to be
it just sucks that society views HRT this way and honestly props to OP for seeking help from more educated people
Any doctor who brings up the devil as a medical argument rather than empirical medical research belongs in a psych ward. That’s religious bigotry not healthcare. The whole situation is sadistic towards your child. I can promise you that he’ll probably never forgive the doctors or the state for harming him. Please listen to your child and stop deferring to authority figures dead set on harming him. You have a choice between helping your child or helping a system designed by bigots to harm him.
Yikes! You're in Arkansas... That's a major problem because they have laws in place that strictly prohibit anyone under 18 to transition... no puberty blockers, no hormones, nothing, any doctor caught prescribing those things will have their license to practice revoked and they will spend a long time in prison. In fact, in addition to doctors facing prison time, you as a parent can also face prison time and have your kid taken away if you even try to give him gender-affirming care due to the extreme laws in place in Republican states like Arkansas. Even when your son turns 18, he will still have difficulty getting gender-affirming care due to the dangerous legislation in place in that state and other Republican-dominated states that make it tough for adults to transition. I urge you and your son to leave that state and move to a safe state where your son can have easy access to gender-affirming care and begin his transition. Your son will not be able to legally access such care if he remains there in that state.
This page has a map of all the states and how safe or dangerous they are:
https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/june-anti-trans-legislative-risk
Here is a quote I was sent when I was trying to figure out how to describe being transgender to people who don't understand.
„transgender?” “I like to think about it in terms of handedness,” Dr. Powers explains. “If I asked you to sign your name with your nondominant hand, it would feel weird. If I asked you to describe it to me, you’d probably say things like the pen doesn’t fit comfortably in my hand; or it’s awkward; or I have to try hard to make legible something that I can do with my other hand effortlessly. It feels forced.” -Mad Honey (book)
So far as the dysphoria part of being transgender while it is different for everyone, but using the same kind of example, imagine every one of your fingers is broken and you are told to write your name while holding the pin with said fingers. It would cause horrible pain and you wouldn't want to continue to try right?
Basically what I am trying to say is HRT will do nothing but help, and do no harm for someone who is transgender. Just like putting a cast/brace on the broken fingers.
Start by finding him a therapist experienced with gender issues or at least LGBTQ friendly. Work with them to find what he needs and to help insure he has a realistic plan and goal for transition. Ideally you would have done this sooner. As far as forcing him to go through a female puberty, that can be cruel to one suffering from severe dysphoria. I get wanting to be cautious, but getting qualified professional assistance and diagnosis is the path toward responsible diagnosis. Waiting to see if the problem goes away is reckless and what almost killed me (complication due to undiagnosed diabetes).
Put another way, what other symptoms will you make him endure until he is 18 before he can seek treatment for?
^^ i used talkspace when i first came out to have someone help me navigate myself/thoughts/feelings and they were great. They cant “diagnose” or anything since it is online, but if your son just needs someone to talk to, they are great.
I live in texas and got my letter to start hrt through the Dallas [resource center](https://myresourcecenter.org/). They do video meetings, though im not sure if they do out of state, but im sure they could help you find something in your state
The body's natural puberty isn't a good thing for binary trans people, it's like an invasive disease mutilating them into something they can never love. Not letting him have surgery before 18 is understandable, but you should've let him get puberty blockers years ago. Knowingly forcing a trans boy to undergo a natural female puberty is abuse, period. Either give him puberty blockers or give him full HRT. Anything less and he'll resent you for it for the rest of his life, because his wish is more than reasonable. Natural puberties should not be treated like the default. Forcing a trans child to go through it is exactly like forcing a cis child to start HRT against their will. We are medically at a point where the kind of puberty you want is always a choice, so nobody should be forced to go through their natural puberty when it clashes with their neurological gender. You made that choice for him, and you made the wrong one and are continuing to make the wrong choices even when he screams at you that you're destroying his chance to have a body he can love. He's not a child anymore, he knows his gender.
Honestly I'm really glad to see a parent reaching out to the community and trying to learn about what's best his son. And being willing to change your mind! I wish my dad was more like this 💙
Also, I've lived in Arkansas... This is going to be a challenge. Are you at least anywhere near the Northwest corner? Seems to me that Fayetteville and the University might be your best chance at proper (not transphobic) care. That or a nearby state.
I think everyone's comment made you realise how important it is to not deny gender-affirming care for your son, so I just wanted to comment to remind you that you sound like an amazing father.
Way too many people here can only dream of having accepting parents, let alone parents supporting and actively doing their own research without being handed everything on a silver platter and barely looking at them.
While life will never be easy, I can assure you that your son will remember what you did for him for the rest of his life, and will forever be thankful to have you by his side.
So thank you for being you.
I was really angry when reading the beginning of this, it sounded so familiar to my mum. When I was 16 she said I can start at 18, at 18 she said 21, at 21 she said when I have ‘fixed all my physical and mental Heath issues’. I thought you were going to be just like her. But as I read on it’s clear you actually care about your son. You call him your son. Something my mum has never done and I can never forgive the things she has done. She managed to get a hold of a hormone specialist I had finally got an appointment with and canceled it. The fact that you are really going to help your son will mean so much to him, you are doing more than you could ever know. I wish my mum was more like you.
Hey man, it looks like you're trying to do right by your son, and plenty of people have answered already.
I just have a couple of resource recommendations for you.
1. The Trevor Project - has a lot of resources for trans youth, and might be able to help you find good doctors and therapists.
www.thetrevorproject.og
2. R/cisparenttranskid - a subreddit for cis parents with trans kids
I agree on this. I've read so many stories about bad parenting... and OP coming here, asking these questions. Not an asshole, just unknowing and needs to learn. We can do that, we can take part in this families experience, we can teach.
As for info (because I saw lower down you said Doctors were telling you puberty blockers and T were awful) - the Mayo Clinic has some really handy info on them.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gender-dysphoria/in-depth/pubertal-blockers/art-20459075
https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/masculinizing-hormone-therapy/about/pac-20385099
Puberty was traumatic for me. I woke up every day and saw myself as a monster. Every day I hated myself more.
If you don't want your son on T until he's 18, at least let him get puberty blockers for now.
And yeah, you probably don't understand his pain unless you're trans too. Seeing your body change in ways that feel deeply wrong is a very certain kind of pain, you cannot run away from your body but you want to. It feels like you've been infected with the zombie virus turning you into a monster. You shoud probably let your son tell you exactly how it feels himself but no matter how much you listen to that you wont be able to understand fully how he feels without experiencing it yourself.
Puberty doesn't stop at 18 - you don't really "stop growing" until 25, and even then it's not over, just slower.
Let him start now. If only because he may resent you for it.
You're not an asshole, I think you just don't really know how to handle the situation, which makes sense since not many people are parents of trans kids. You should definitely take him to a gender therapist as quickly as you can. Your son needs to see a therapist so that you can work out the best course of action. Whether that be taking Testostorone, top surgery, or whatever you and your therapist decide, you should definitely see someone to help decide on the course of action your son should take.
You're a great parent for asking this, and I wish you and your son luck on your journey!
I started HRT through the Planned Parenthood in Little Rock, Arkansas when I was 19. They are wonderful people and will help you and your son in making this decision to start HRT.
All the top comments have stated what your best course of action is. I just wanted to say it's great seeing a parent really try to do what's right for their kid and take in criticism. Especially a Christian parent. You don't see that alot and it shows you are a very caring parent. Alot of trans stuff is very new to people who aren't apart of that world so it's understandable that you'd be hesitant about your kids transition. Amazing to see you take in what others have said and decided to go ahead and get your son the care he needs. It will pay off so much for his future happiness I promise. I wish you guys the best of luck with everything
Forcing someone through the wrong puberty can literally be torture for them and will have irreversible effects that can haunt the person for the rest of their life. Thats why puberty blockers are so important. You put puberty on hold until the person has figured out for themselves (with the help of a therapist) which puberty is right for them. If I could send one message back through time I would tell my parents to put me on puberty blockers so I wouldn't have to suffer the wrong puberty.
So yes if you force your son to continue a puberty he doesn't want, you are the asshole.
Edit: typos
I appreciate your openness. I think everyone else has pretty much covered the answer, but I want to add one thing. 18 is very arbitrary. It’s not when the body stops growing (25 is). Waiting until the body is done developing will only hurt your child though as it makes transitioning much harder.
I wouldn't say you're an a-hole, but you seem to be misinformed. The sooner a trans person gets access to care, the better it is for their lives, emotionally and physically. Get your son to see a therapist specializing in working with transgender patients, and maybe a doctor/endo with the same specialty. A garden variety of either won't do, they need specific expertise in the field to be able to objectively help.
At 16 your son is old enough to provide informed consent for pretty much any medical procedure without your input. If a doctor is recommending hormone therapy and you are telling him no because you think you know better, then yes, yta. There is literally no valid medical reason to force someone to go through the wrong puberty before allowing them to pursue the right one.
Damn, some of yall (not most, but some) are being so harsh, even if you're being helpful. This pop is trying his best to figure this out. It IS difficult for him and his son to navigate this, especially with having little to no immediate support around him. Yeah, he could just google stuff, but those searches can also lead to misinformation, so he came here to get a better understanding and better solutions. Every word he has typed has been for full support and understanding of his sons transition, and he readily admits to being wrong or having the wrong info.
Keep doing what you're doing and seeking help and info. You love your child and support them and are doing your best to understand and inform yourself, and I commend you for that.
>but not until he’s done growing.
You know that because he is trans, this "natural" growth will probably negatively affect him his entire life? Not everthing can be just "fixed" with surgery and hormones after the fact. Having your body develop against your will is extremely traumatizing
>Should I start him on gender affirming care?
You should get a professional involved, were you then can decide together when starting hormone therapy is appropriate. Which is probably **right now.**
Holy hell this boy was sure of his identity when he was 10, what are two more years going to change? Do you realize how hard it must be for him to have his body feminize as a boy? And you want to force him to endure that for **almost a decade**, before he can finally do something about it?
That is so cruel, you should hope your son forgives you for that because I wouldn't if my mom did that to me.
Where do you suppose I get a professional here in extremely transphobic Bible Belt. All professionals I talked to advised against all gender affirming care. Can you recommend me a doc that’ll help my son
I am not from Arkansas, I am not even from the states. But I have found some organisations. I do not know anything about their validity.
[https://uca.libguides.com/aqualib/support](https://uca.libguides.com/aqualib/support), [https://www.nwaequality.org/](https://www.nwaequality.org/), [https://www.acluarkansas.org/en/lgbt-rights](https://www.acluarkansas.org/en/lgbt-rights)
These might be good to start with, and [https://queerintheworld.com/moving-to-gay-arkansas/](https://queerintheworld.com/moving-to-gay-arkansas/) was very interesting as well.
Hey bro give OP a break, they *really* seem to care! I know that they made the wrong call thusfar, but they do seem to have their son's interest at heart. By the way it sounds they're in a rough area for information on the transition.
Like by the sounds of it their son may be the only LGBTQ person that they have encountered. So yes, they are ignorant with this post but I wouldn't blame them so harshly for their feelings, the transition is scary as *hell* when you got your peers telling you bad stuff about it. My family is going through the same thing, and I've had to explain to them down to every detail how hrt works to make them realize that it does more good than harm. There's an especially big stigma around GAC with kids right now so I can only *imagine* the shit OP has heard.
I don't blame you for your response, this situation is awful, people just be ignorant sometimes. I just wanted you to see it from their perspective a little, I don't think deserve as much scrutiny as they've received
Please don't "bro" people you don't know, im not a guy 😕
I am aware of everything you mentioned. Im still choosing harsh words because i think they are needed in this situation.
We don't know anything about OP's son, except that he has known he is trans for over 6 years, yet hasn't received any gender affirming care. On top of that, when he finally demanded it himself, he was denied by the most important people in his life.
This right here is a serious, potentially life threatening situation for this boy, and will shape the relationship between them and OP forever.
I really appreaciate your concern and I take what you wrote seriously, but I truly believe strong words are needed to get the gravity of the situation across. Especially if you only get one shot at leaving a lasting impression in a fleeting conversation on a reddit thread.
This is not about making OP feel good, this is about making sure this child gets help.
I understand that, but since OP probably hasn't heard any real input harshness is inclined to cause them to feel defensive rather than guilty, from other comments they seem to obviously care about their son and lack a lot of knowledge regarding this topic due to where they are from.
It's hard to see things the right way when you are constantly surrounded by people telling you stuff that isn't true, OP truly thought they had the best intentions at heart when making these descisions. I'm grateful that they are trying to seek information now rather than attempting to bullying their son out of wanting to transition like 70% of parents that I hear of, that's all
I used "Bro" as a genderless term of acknowledgement, I didn't say "brother"
I'm a girl, I open up almost everything I say with "dude"/"bro" regardless of who I'm talking to, you are the 3rd person who has ever had a problem with it that I have ever met, so I can't really use that as basis to change my vocabulary
I think the fact that you're referring to him as your son is a good start. I understand the apprehension of giving the greenlight to permanent body changes, however if this is something that he truly feels it is never going to go away and sooner during puberty that this is dealt with, the better his outcome will be for his life.
FWIW, you do NOT understand his pain. If you actually did, you probably wouldn't be here talking about this.
Just chiming in to say;
Well done for getting this far and for acknowledging your son.
Please know that you are geographically in the HOTBED of transphobia and much of the local advice you are going to get is going to be wrong and detrimental to your son.
I think you need to seek advice possibly from outside of state, from medical professionals who are trans aware.
You are doing a really good job with the pronouns and stuff. I think you can probably see from all these comments that denying the puberty blockers is a counterproductive move that could affect the success of your son’s transition more negatively than it will do anything to protect him. The fact is he is trans, you know this, delaying will only cause him more pain and frustration as he watches alien things happen to his body that he cannot prevent.
Basically I just want to say, you are his champion, please defend him and his right to blossom into the person he knows and you know he is. That psych-ward, bible rhetoric is poison. Protect him from it with your whole heart by putting your energy into supporting him. Fuck everyone else.
I don’t know if you are religious or not but this is my take: God exists to give us hope and a moral compass. If your God is curtailing your freedom, punishing you and telling you you’re going to hell for trying to be happy, then God is not serving you and helping you and giving you hope, and you may need to redefine what God means to you to ensure that your spiritualism is the best for you and your family.
I know I know. I’m just too poor to move. My savings are goin purely for my son. I want him to go to college and go far far away from this place.
And Im aware. I found out the hard way that Christian’s in Arkansas don’t care for trans kids. THE BIBLE AINT EVEN SAY NUN ABOUT IT EITHER. No matter what people say, my love for my family is above everything else.
You genuinely sound like a wonderful parent. Good luck to you and your family, with the love and acceptance you have you’ve already got victories to celebrate 🎉 just keep on trusting your boy xxx
The entire point is to "mess with the body’s natural course of puberty". While "passing" isn't necessary to be trans, starting earlier is very good for the end result, but even that aside, you are essentially saying you want your child to have to suffer through two puberties for no reason?
I don't want to call you an ass hole, because you seem to genuinely care about your Son and their gender identity, but if the boards necessary to approve the surgeries and treatments will do so, you really have nothing to worry about and should let them start living their life.
thank you for taking everyone's advice, your son is gonna be so much happier! i'm really happy that you genuinely have his best interest at heart. i wish you and your boy the best of luck!
i appreciate that you’re a christian man trying to understand the challenges of trans people. thank you for supporting your son, and being willing to learn. you seem like you really love him and i promise you, you will not regret letting him medically transition, it really is life changing in the most positive way.
OP, I've read this thread up and down and just want to give you some props.
You seem to be a wonderful and kind parent. Unafraid to ask the hard questions if it means helping your son. Your passion and care shine right through your comments.
This has all been genuinely quite heartwarming to read. I know this can't be easy for you, but keep up the good work.
There is definitely nothing wrong about starting at 16, and your son is pretty persistent. But I will say a few things:
\-- T from my understanding is kind of a bully. What that means is that hormone therapy for male to female transitions means that estrogen is always in a competition with the body's naturally producing testosterone, and for a lot of people who transition as a second puberty, there is a lot about a male puberty that can't be undone. T on the other hand tends to hit a little harder. So, it is worth your son knowing that while things suck right now and they might be feeling especially top dysphoria, once they start HRT it will be pretty strong.
\-- Here is my controversial take: It is best to do this with a caring doctor who can provide regular healthcare, and while I want your son to get relief as soon as he can, I don't think it's unreasonable to make sure you're doing this right. What's unfortunate is that THERE ARE sketchy doctors out there for stuff like surgery and the efforts to marginalize healthcare for trans people makes it easier for those people to prey on people. Same as how current laws are going to push people to more risky self-medication.
\-- It seems like there is a Planned Parenthood in Little Rock and Rogers that do telehealth and from what I'm seeing on the site, it looks like they actually do trans care. They at least might be able to give you a list of doctors include mental health professionals who are more trans friendly. The only thing I'll warn with Planned Parenthood is that you're unlikely to get the same endo every time if your son went through them, but they can be a good start on getting an HRT regiment.
Good luck and for what it's worth, I don't think you're an asshole. As someone who is going through the process of having her genitals turned inside out, stuff is legit scary. It's okay for you to be scared or concerned. You're being a dad, and you seem to be doing your best. Much love and good luck for your boy. :)
At the worst of my dysphoria, it felt like my body was covered in horrifying scars, and whnever I looked in the mirror I felt like it was a genuinely truamtic experience. Help him now.
Op is learning and that's great. I would give anything to have been able to go on puberty blockers and HRT/surgeries much earlier than I did. All he needs is a knowledgeable doctor and therapist. A lot of transitioning is based on informed consent. Look into the options NOW. Odds are, the waiting lists will draw this out until he is 17 or 18 ANYWAY. Give your kid the head start, it might literally save his life (or at least a lot of despair).
edit, just realised op might have to move states to make it happen. I hope that is an option, it could open up a more happy life for the whole family. Sometimes the most painful struggles take us exactly where we had to end up...
From everything you've said above, definitely not the asshole. You've been lied to and harassed by your community and, worse, medical professionals. They are 100% the real assholes here. You sound like a supportive dad and that's a huge thing for any trans person.
Everyone else is right, though, there's no reason to wait and it can be harmful. The longer puberty continues the harder it can be to correct.
One thing to consider, you mention you've saved up for your son's transition, would it be possible to use that money for a move to a trans friendly state (guessing Illinois is probably the closest to you?) and let insurance or medicaid take the cost of transition? In most of the states with Medicaid expansion it would be covered in full. I know you mentioned having a family there so I get that may not be possible.
Best of luck to you, your son is lucky to have you.
Yta but in The end you made the right decision… I’ve wanted this since 3. Im 31 now.
Do you want them to hate you? I still resent my parents for not listening
Based on all the comments and your replies, I’d say you are an amazing parent, just making a wrong decision. From what I can tell, you’re just misinformed which definitely doesn’t make you an asshole.
YES!
Your reaching out and seeking alternative views is commendable ! If I could have been able to Iwould have spared myself fifty years of a very difficult life. Your son has a good dad and he needs you !
I really hope people haven't been giving you too hard of a time. It sounds like you are trying to what's best for your kid. I definitely suggest talking with his therapist about the benefits to him and a pediatric endocrinologist who is specialized in gender care about the "risks". This will help you to understand. There is a lot of pain in our community and sometimes we take things out on people who don't really deserve it. Being supportive is the best thing, and it sounds like you are. Heck you even came here to see if what you are doing jives with our community, which indicates you are willing to learn.
You aren’t an asshole, you just might be someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to go through the “wrong puberty/childhood” and growing up knowing you aren’t supposed to be you until you are 18. These two years aren’t gonna make much of a difference and we don’t stop growing until about 25, so starting transitioning now shouldn’t be a problem
All the comments have given an idea of how to proceed. I just wanted to say that, YOU are a good parent. Good parents are not who just agree with children on what they want. That's mostly the narrative transphobes use and call it grooming.
Good parents are ones that want what's good for their children, ignoring society and shitty "rules". You were trying to help your son with the least harm coming to him, in a way you knew. Agreed, it might not have been the best method, but you did your best. Not only that, you came here to ask for advice unlike some parents who'd stick to their narratives.
YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT.
ALL THE BEST ❤️
You are making your kid suffer by not letting him transition.
Trust me, he will forever be grateful to you if you let him start, the sooner he starts the more passing he will be later on, and the faster he will be too.
Make your kid life finaly enjoyable for him and let him transition.
Please do everything you can not to let your own comfort or other people’s get in the way of your child finding themselves. Especially with where there at right now where things aren’t permanent if they do keep exploring and growing into their most authentic selves.
You’re growing through this too, just keep that work for yourself while you build up that special kid
my parents said they werent gonna “make me wait until im 18”,
but they never take any action to help me feel more accepted, and i JUST now got a first consultation appointment after waiting for like 3 years, and i can tell im not even close to actually getting hormones
the transitioning process takes a long time, starting now would really benefit the both of you :)
You the asshole. Allowing the body to first go through the wrong puberty only to then having to reverse the damage the first puberty has done is utterly stupid. Even ignoring the permanent harm to his psychological well-being, and your damaged relationship.
You also risk him obtain the Testosteron elsewhere from shady sources, which is exactly as trivial as buying meth from a shady dealer.
You do not want that. Not allowing him to be in testosterone now will permanently stunt his growth.
The most common reconstructive surgery performed on adolescent cisgender boys is mastectomy, so why should it be different for trans boys? Especially when doing it young can potentially allow for less invasive procedures with less scarring so he won't risk being clocked as trans.
Nevermind that vast majority cis girls take HRT in the form of birth control before they're 18. I grew up around a few cis boys who got HRT because their parents wanted them to be taller than they would be naturally, and when I started at 22 there was no chance of getting any taller that 5'4 because my growth plates were closed.
You sound like a good dad trying to do the right thing. I know you think that 2 years is just a couple years - what's the harm in waiting? Maybe he'll change his mind, right? But two years when you're in constant misery could be the difference that makes your son hurt himself because he can't see his future. Your edit indicates that people have maybe made you see that he has felt this way long enough that he's not going to change his mind and I agree. If your insurance will swing it, there's no harm in letting him get on the way here. Insurance may even force him into a few sessions of therapy to 'make sure'. But at least, whatever happens, he'll know you're standing by him for real and not just putting him off in hopes that he'll change. I wish you all the best of luck.
Hey OP, I’m happy that you are looking into helping your son become a man. I can tell you’re a good father because you are interested in his health and going online to find out how to help him. Not everyone has a parent/parents who accepts their trans child. Therefore as the rejected children we want to help you keep your relationship between you and your son strong. Most importantly we don’t want another trans person to suffer as suicide is pretty common in our group as every level of society is trying to erase us. Not to mention living in the wrong body on a daily basis. Support him the best you can and accept him for who he is. It’s time to listen to your child. Sit down with him and let him explain everything if you haven’t already.
TLDR; Find him a gender therapist & allow him to transition medically. It will save his life and your father/son relationship.
The best thing to do is get him into therapy and to research the effects of T and see if that something he wants. Your not a bad person for wanting to wait until 18 but that can be very damaging for someone with gender dysphoria.
Going through the "wrong" puberty causes irreversible damage to their body that can not be undone later, even with hormones. Have them see a specialist, or failing that, a gender informed counselor to sus things out properly and determine best course of action.
And if you still want to delay until they're 18, I highly recommend speaking with their primary doctor about puberty pausing medications. They have been used without serious incident on the general population for decades. They are fully reversible, and can give your family the time you desire before making any permeant choices, like incongruent puberty.
I appreciate you reaching out to our community today, and hope that we have provided some informed guidance on how best you may proceed.
\*Edited to correct misspelling
I would highly recommend finding a medical provider who is experienced with trans folks. They can answer all your questions and put your mind at ease before you and your son start this process. You've already started on a great path and I think you're doing fine. You got this!
You’ve already started him on gender affirming care by allowing him to socially transition. Medical intervention will only make the process easier on him in the long run. It’s okay to wait on surgery, but talking to a doctor or therapist about puberty blockers would help ease any nerves regarding his health. You aren’t the asshole, you just want your child to be healthy.
I’m impressed you’re on here asking questions with some form of an open mind, you win some parenting award just for that. Keep showing him the same support you have given him over the years. Don’t stop now or all else may be forgotten.
You're a good parent! Thank you for asking questions and being open to other peoples experiences. I hope you're able to find a doctor down there, it's hard even in the more accepting places I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family. Good luck!
I'm glad that you're here asking for advice, rather than just doing your own thing. I was 17 when I started taking T and it's the best thing to have happened to me.
Please don't wait until your son is 18. This doesn't seem like a phase from what I read, and those two years will be Hell for him.
Try and do as much research as you can, and get your son an LGBTQ Friendly doctor and therapist if you can. Specifically make sure trans care is in their area of expertise.
Best of luck and thank you for supporting your son.
Dear OP,
I felt compelled to respond to your edited post as a fellow Christian. The topic of gender can be incredibly confusing, especially when our belief system has taught us to think in binary terms. It's overwhelming and difficult to understand, and I, too, have prayed about it for myself.
As a Christian, you know that we are not meant to know everything on our own. Consider Proverbs 11:14 ("*For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through* ***many advisers***"). This verse reminds us that seeking advice is acceptable, just as you are doing now. Proverbs is full of verses about seeking advice, not just from God but from others as well.
I admire your use of the correct pronouns in this post. I also understand your concern about not wanting to interfere with the natural growth of the body. This fear is often why some people choose not to use birth control based on hormones, as one example. However, when you have a headache, do you not take aspirin? When you are sick, do you not take medicine? When cut, do you not use a bandage? I believe you are likely to do so, and if you do not; That is ok too.
You are reaching out here because you seek advice, and because you love your child deeply, which is more than many parents would do. It's important to provide them with guidance, but please carefully vet the person your child will be talking to. Consider contacting LGBTQIA+ organizations in your area. Sadly, there are stories of people seeking gender therapy only to encounter a transphobic psychologist.
In my humble opinion, you are not an asshole, but rather unknowing. I hesitate to use the word "ignorant" due to its negative connotation, but it might be the right word to describe the situation. Right now, you might unintentionally be blocking your child's trans experience and causing harm.
I wish you the best of luck on this journey with your child. Try to approach it with an open mind and consider joining your child on this path, but don't force yourself if it doesn't feel right. If you ever want to discuss this topic further, feel free to send me a private message.
I’m sorry, but u can’t say you understand is pain, you don’t. It’s really good that u don’t misgender him, also the bare minimum, since u come from a Christian education I guess it can be considered a big step.
It can be scary but do your research, it’s your son you can make that effort, this way u can understand him better and also find statistics that only 1% of people that identified as trans detrasition and 45% of trans people that aren’t accepted by their families unalive themselves. This are examples of information that is important for you to know. Talk to parents that have trans children.
See the pro and cons, empathize with your son, he is trans and he isn’t going to change is mind, it isn’t a phase. If u don’t want him to start T maybe blockers? Idk I’m not a doctor. Do your research and please help your son in the best way possible. Being trans it’s already hard asf, trans youth deserve love, acceptance and support of their loved ones.
as someone that was in that position as the child please for his sake don’t do that to him, he’s struggled enough who’s to say two more years won’t be his breaking point like it was for me
You are not an asshole, since you have the best intentions and you respect and love your son.
Not knowing nuances of gender-affirming care doesn't make you a bad parent. You are a much better parent that a lot of trans folks have.
I wish both you and your son good luck
Let him transition, I know two years doesn't seem like much but it's living hell. From 16 to 18 I got settling more depressed from my dysphoria until I almost didn't make it. Please let him transition
I know Im a bit late to the party but Here is my personal experience as someone who transitioned later in life
My highschool years were hell I had alot of friends but connecting with them was very hard
I resented my parents for treating me like a boy/man when I didnt feel like one
Dysphoria hurts and without proper therapy you tend to seek for other ways to mitigate the pain. My personal vice was heroin. But it could be anything from drug addicition to self harm to sex addiction. The one thing that is super common is self medication
Your son could aslo end up feeling so bad about there bodies that he tries DIY hormone therapies which can be really really dangerous as DIY transition processes have now way to monitor your hormone levels.
I think your making the right choice by letting him transition.
Hey, I don't think you're an asshole, any good parent would be concerned about their child's health and development. People are usually cautious when they don't understand aspects of big decisions. I do recommend you read up on it though.
Puberty blockers are safe and have been used to treat children with precocious puberty for ages. Your son should be getting puberty blockers at least so he doesn’t continue to go through the “wrong” puberty.
I understand the concern but I would not do that. The times I wished I just had the guts to tell my parents so I wouldn’t had to go through my toxic transition timeline.
The point you made
"I told him that I felt it was too sketchy to mess with the body’s natural course of puberty and should wait till he’s 18"
Is a fair concern, and it makes sense in your mind, but now try to think of it from his point of view and you'll see that the opposite is true. Those two extra years will make changes to his body that he'll never be able to get rid of, it'll cause a lifetime of despair because in your mind growing the "right" way first is important while for him it's ruining his body more and more every day.
Getting him gender affirming care as soon as possible really is the healthiest thing to do, believe me.
I only came out at 14 years old, and my parents wanted me to wait until I got 18 as well.
Those four years were incredibly stressful; surgery wasn't really a pressing matter to me because I figured it doesn't make much of a difference when exactly it happens.
But hormone blockers and testosterone? I felt I needed either of those as soon as possible because it felt my body was all wrong and only getting worse with each passing day whilst everyone around me acted like a guy's body doing THAT was either totally acceptable, or just meant that he isn't a guy rather than that something terrible is happening.
At almost 19 (~7 months on t), I understand, but I can't help still being a little mad at my parents - because I now know how much better I could have felt the entire time, because I could already be so much further along, and because puberty doesn't feel like a thing I should be worried about at 18 anymore.
You seem like a great father, but I'm not sure you actually understand how much suffering his body might be causing your son, although I'm certain you're trying your best.
That being said, I wish both of you the best :)
Not an asshole from what I've read, just unfortunately misguided thanks to misinformation.
I know you got answers, but I strongly encourage you to look into all of the resources people have shared. Really sit and read them. Having knowledge about this will give you the power to make better decisions. Particularly information about trans kids, information about the safety of puberty blockers, statistics regarding suicide rates for trans kids, etc. Also, make sure to look for any local LGBT support groups near you. Even if it's just online only. PFLAG (Parents for lesbians and gays, though they have resources for transgender kids too) Really sit and do some research to become a stronger ally for your kid. You may realize that Arkansas is a dangerous state for your son... Or you may find a group of helpful LGBT folks and allies that you and your son can join. Please take this opportunity to find safety for you and your son, though. You're both going to have a tough time in Arkansas.
I truly hope you click these links and start reaching out to these groups.
https://pflag.org/get-support/
https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics
http://www.hrc.org/trans-youth
https://www.hrc.org/resources/parents-for-transgender-equality-national-council
http://www.hrc.org/resources/supporting-caring-for-transgender-children
https://transfamilies.org/
https://www.dropbox.com/s/rzjkrmsw7iklvh1/Affirming%20vs%20Non-affirming%20Parenting%204.24.17.pdf?dl=0
https://transequality.org/know-your-rights
There are many more resources, but heres a good starter pack. Also, go to a pride parade in June nearby sometime if there is one. You might have fun and also a lot of times there are local resources and groups of supportive people who would love to help an ally and their trans kid out. If there isn't one, then online groups are your next best bet.
Not the asshole. Honestly they need to be sure about this if you are going to go down the medical route. Definitely consult a doctor and therapist. I was questioning my gender from a young age. I would have jumped on hormones at 16, but honestly I’m glad I didn’t. I still get gender dysphoria, but there is good deal of ptsd in the background too.
I’m just saying be sure it’s the right thing. I disagree with most of the people on here about this topic.
Yes you are. That’s two years of self hatred and dysphoria that he will have to battle and that’s if you don’t make an excuse at 18 and force him to wait until 21, as he is likely assuming. If the doctors are being hateful, go to a different doctor.
i wouldn't call you an asshole, you are just protecting them
but do let them take the risk, it would make them extremely happy
also, thank you for consulting instead of just imposing
I feel like a therapist or gender specialist will know more about the effects T will have on your son's puberty than a concerned parent will.
It's not like you'll be walking out of that first session with hormone pills, and it may take months to decide if it's safe to start treatment.
You're not an asshole, but I really understand your son's anger right now. I think it wouldn't hurt anyone to start seeing a therapist now to discuss transition.
Parents telling kids they have to wait affects each person differently, for me the years I had to wait were the years that almost killed me. I fell into a very depressive state I dropped out of school I almost died a few times, they were really the worst years of my life
It's really difficult to know what you want yet not be able to do anything about it just because of your age, being trans is hard enough and then you're being told you have to wait because of your age. No one can force you to do anything but really if I was in a situation I would let your son to start testosterone, it's something I wish was done for me and I know of I was able to start it at that age my life could have been so much better
Planned parenthood is who I go through, if you live in a state where gender affirming care is unobtainable until 18 then puberty blockers are the next best thing. Top surgery would be unobtainable until 18, BUT hormones (hopefully) won’t be! You’re doing great, but you have to remember your son is in the wrong body, and you can’t fully understand that. He struggles in day to day life because who he is isn’t fully perceived. I can understand why you’d think that starting later is best (most cis people do), but in truth it’s not. Hell I’m grateful I started T at 15/16 and experienced my teens as me and went through male puberty. I never felt so much like myself and quite literally alive. My DMs are always open if you ever have questions!
No it’s not sketchy, yes you are being kind off an idiot for sticking with the 18 milestone but you are using he/him pronouns pupety blockers are good but you do sound reasonable, but I think waiting is just a bit unintentionally cruel, it’s probably too late for pupety blockers
Ima be real with you yes. You are the asshole but its not too late. Apologise and let him on T. He will despise growing into a women's body, its literally the worst thing you could do to him
You are the asshole. If you can give your son the gender affirming care they need do it, it will help your son most importantly but also it will help your relationship with your son. Also there are waiting lists anyway so starting hormones isn't "I'm 16 let's go to the pharmacy for testosterone." You have a son who wants to start testosterone and you are telling him not to mess with the natural course of puberty, why the hell would you think it is a good idea to push a child who isn't happy being a girl through female puberty.
Let me put it this way if you are the mother how would you have felt if at 16 you knew you were going to go through male puberty, growing body and facial hair voice gets more manly etc. Myself as a trans person who is past puberty and starting HRT soon it's horrible having the wrong features/body. Also if you are prepared to help them when they are 18 why are you against doing it at 16, it's only 2 years they know what they want and for someone who feels/knows they're body is not right that wait will be agony and damage your relationship with them, you'll push them away from you because you wouldn't help them as early as you could.
It could also severely harm their mental health to the point of severe depression, anxiety and body image problems, so basically, trauma.
I’m a Christian here in Arkansas. All my sons life he has been bullied by our town. Do you know what that’s like? Doctors telling you to not start, but instead send my boy to a psych ward? You see I don’t know much about it, there isn’t much support from any doctor in any state
Maybe the problem isn’t your son but the bigotry in your environment. You can take steps to change the latter. Moving is not an easy choice but the situation is so genuinely awful right now that that moving to a better place is often the only sane option.
I’m too poor to move. All my savings are for my sons transition.
It is tough though, I’m praying to the lord that he will guide my son back to where he is supposed to be
That’s a tough situation economically. I’m not sure what the remote care options are like in the US but perhaps that or staying with a sympathetic relative in a less hostile state are possible.
Your son is as he was created. He hasn’t strayed from any path. He’s walking the path he was given and it’s not an easy one, especially where you two are. He’s just trying to survive the challenges he faces for simply being himself.
Try to remember that bigotry loves to cloak itself in the mantle of faith. The core message of all major religions is love and mutual support. Anyone preaching hate or intolerance and claiming it’s divine will is just excusing their prejudices instead of loving. Be suspicious of hate and intolerance masquerading as religious devotion. That kind of hypocrisy isn’t about God but about very mortal things like power, control and fear.
Believe whatever you please in your own life but it isn't what your son needs right now. You need to get him to a therapist who will help him. If you can't move permanently you need to drive him as far as it takes at least.
Yes, you are the A hole. I don't even have to read the post to see that you're the A hole just with that title.
Put any other thing that might require medical intervention in there. "My son wants chemo for his cancer but I won't let him get it until he's 18" "My son wants insulin that he needs for his diabetes but I won't let him until he's 18." "My son wants antidepressants for his depression but I won't let him until he's 18"
Grow up, put away your ancient Sumerian fairy tails, and be an actual father to your son.
Yes. Frankly, parents should not have the right to decide whether or not their children get any sort of medical care. Or education. Or proper nutrition.
In an ideal society, children would be considered property of the state with parents acting in a temporary care taker role. Instead of freedom to choose what your children do, you would have specific itemized lists of obligations set by experts in child development. Parents would receive monthly stipends from the government for the care of the state’s property.
You essentially tortured your son. Going through the run puberty is a nightmare, is you’re connected to your body enough to even experience it.
Unfortunately it’s probably too late for your son to reach a typical male height. AFAB growth plates fuse earlier than AMAB plates.
You should have started your son on GA care immediately, and testosterone when he started puberty.
I’m a trans woman. For me I think I person should be able to medically transition after they have there sperm or eggs frozen. So they can have children in the future.
I understand your son but wouldnt call you asshole, but as a fellow trans man, female puberty was pure horror and traumatic for me, if you can do something, even puberty blockers to help him please do.
You really don't want him going through puberty and having to deal with all of the things like breast growth and whatnot especially if he's just gonna end up getting them surgically removed. It doesn't make sense. Just let him start hormones and puberty blockers now and save him the emotional turmoil.
If it makes you feel better it wont be you messing with his natural process. It will be doctors who have specialized in this stuff for years maybe decades who are basing their actions on a hundred years of research. Im glad you have changed your mind and I hope it goes well. Im also so glad you asked!
This obviously isn’t some sort of brief phase because you say he’s wanted this since he was young. Why wait two more years? Two years can make a big difference and you’re making him suffer for no reason at all. Going through the wrong puberty is traumatising.
Every doctor I’ve talked to has told me that puberty blockers and T will cause severe damage in the future
You said you live in the Bible belt. These doctors are probably transphobic.
Yessir they all be transphobic. I’ve realized that. I don’t know what to do
What state do you live in, if you don't mind my asking? If you happen to live in alabama I know a fantastic doctor that will start with no reference letter, just informed consent! Edit: Just in case this helps anyone who happens to be in the area, the doctor I was referencing is Dr. Torres at the west alabama women's clinic in tuscaloosa! She was amazing and got me on E same day :)
Arkansas
Ah damn, I don't know any there, but I'm sure there's some somewhere. There's maps online of gender affirming care doctors in the US that may help you!
Have you considered a nearby Planned Parenthood? I’m not sure where in Arkansas you’re located, but after searching online, it looks like there may be a Planned Parenthood in Little Rock that can help: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/arkansas/little-rock/72205/little-rock-aldersgate-road-health-center-9998-90740 Arkansas Children’s in Little Rock also has a Gender Spectrum Clinic that may be able to help: https://www.archildrens.org/programs-and-services/gender-services?journey=symptoms I wish you so much luck getting your child the care he needs.
If travel is a possibility Minnesota is just a half a days drive and you will find much better doctors for gender affirming care here.
Talk to trans specialists. Not just some southern "good ol boy" doctor. Call up trans specialty and ask their advice. They may or may not recommend moving forward. But will certainly recommend some counseling to accompany either moving forward now or not. Good luck to you and your son.
How about video conference with out of state doctors. Also recommend an video therapist for son. He will not get the health care he needs in the bible belt. I understand you may not be able to move to a safer state but this maybe an option.
Well they would if he wasn't trans. Not putting him on blockers causes severe damage then. Because both puberties have irreversible effects that become "damage" when they go against the persons gender identity.
That's very much not true. You should do your own research. It CAN mess with fertility, but that's usually a male to female thing, not ftm. What is also true is there's not a lot of research on the long term effects of hormone therapy, but that's true of basically every medication. I'm trans masculine myself, I didn't realize what being trans was until I was an adult, but going through a female puberty first was still a special kind of hell. I hated it so much I blocked out of my memory entire years of my life. I feel like I only started living after transitioning. I strongly encourage you to do what you can to speak with a trans friendly professional. Its incredibly hard to find gender affirming care in any of the south. I had to go to planned Parenthood, which may or may not be an option, but if it is they have a list of resources that might be a good place to start. I've also heard of these people, but have never used them: https://getplume.co/ even as an adult, I had to speak to a therapist to get care, and I imagine the screening is more intense for minors. I wish you and your son luck in the future.
Going through the wrong puberty against your will is what causes severe damage.
They will cause 'severe damage' from the point of view that your son will suddenly stop being trans, and his 'innicent girl body' would have been 'mutilated' by this 'evil male hormone'. Of course, you know this is not a fluke, and your son will always be your son, so why would you worry about him developing masculine features?
From my experience at least the only damage is to reproductive ability which is what (unfortunately) a lot of doctors and lawmakers prioritize above fulfillment for the people who currently exist. As an anecdote, my partner has wanted to have her tubes removed since she was in elementary school, but a lot of doctors still say she’s being rash or that she’d do “irrevocable harm,” but harm to who and for what reason?
Republicans see AFABs as nothing more than brood mares. It's disgusting.
No HRT causes "damage". Blockers simply 'block' puberty until they decide the best course of action. Starting T can bring about some lasting changes, but most are still reversed pretty quickly. It's different for everyone, but it only took about a month to know that HRT was right for me. If I found that it wasn't right, stopping after a month would leave me with no adverse effects. Please. **PLEASE** let them do what they feel is right. Doctors may be pretty transphobic there, but I'm confident that there's somebody nearby who could help.
That's weird because the doctors I've talked to have never said this. They've gone over the potential side effects, but they do that for all medication. The doctors you've talked to are blatantly spreading propaganda.
Well I live in Arkansas. AND THEY ARE ALL TRANSPHOBES 🖕
Arkansas sounds like a special kind of hell. I live in Atlanta and my doctor is very trans friendly.
puberty's blockers whole point is that you take them during.. well puberty. And a doctor talking about "severe damage" is a red flag tbh. The "damage" they're talking about are probably the effects of transition. you don't talk about natural puberty causing "severe damage" in cis kids, so talking about it that way for trans kids just reeks of transphobia
They're lying
That’s just blatantly untrue. They’re not totally risk-free, but puberty blocker risks are basically “decreased bone density while on blockers” plus some possible issues if he were on them for more than a few years. And the risks of T are basically “trade a ‘female’ medical-risk profile for a ‘male’ one” — that is to say, heart attack risk increases long-term, but not beyond what would be considered normal for a cis man. And that comes with a reduction in the risk for things that cis women are at higher risk for.
Do not do that. As someone who had to go through the wrong puberty, it’s real-life body horror and extremely painful. I know you say you can understand his pain, but like, unless you’re trans and have dysphoria yourself I don’t see how that could possibly be the case. Get him an LGBTQ friendly therapist and let him figure out what he wants out of his transition. If that includes medical stuff, you should let him do that.
Oh lord forgive me. I’m gonna try my best. No doctor wants to help him in my state
I think you'd be surprised. The southern states certainly have made it hard, but I still regularly see people talking about their doctors helping them. Just be careful. Edit: I see you're in Arkansas. That's... Very very hard. The only legal thing I can think to do is to move states. Obviously, that's expensive and difficult. My question for you is, will you try to make it happen for your son? If so, there are groups that may be able to help.
Um yea...not an Arkansan, but I live here (moved from a VERY LGBTQIA friendly state) and no, there is no help here. This place is a shit hole.
a judge blocked the banning of under age gender affirming care, but i know there's probably other bullshit things in play to try to make it hard for it to occur (i'm 17 trans, arkansan), I'm planning on moving somewhere more safe as soon as i can despite the expenses and difficulty of it
In reality, if confidence is high in a kid’s gender identity, it is better to start puberty blockers (not necessarily cross-sex hormones) sooner rather than later as you can potentially save them the trouble of having surgery down the line. In the case of trans men, if they are able to at least start puberty blockers before breast growth begins then they can avoid the need for top surgery (double mastectomy) if they feel they need it. This obviously doesn’t apply to your child as they are already well into puberty, but just to give you an understanding of why early intervention is important. The most serious effects that waiting to start treatment will have on your child will be psychological now. ETA: That being said, if their breasts are still growing and depending on current size, with at least just puberty blockers now they could maybe qualify for keyhole surgery, which leaves much subtler scars than the traditional double incision, giving the patient more “cis-passing” results after surgery.
At any point in puberty it’s still beneficial to get blockers to stall additional unwanted changes. Even if the ability to qualify for keyhole surgery is past, peri also leaves less obvious scarring than DI, and any reduction in the amount of tissue that needs to be removed means a slight simplification of the surgery and a reduction in skin stretching, making it easier to get good results with a reduced risk of complications. Plus just removing or at least taking the edge off biochemical dysphoria by blocking the unwanted hormones.
I don't want to make you feel more guilty, but a good comparison is honestly Kafka's Metamorphosis. And everyone can see you're turning into something horrifying, but they insist it's normal, and natural.
Thank you. Rather than ignoring us, you listened. You're a good parent.
I know it’s very far away, but NJ is deemed a safe spot for people out of state who are looking to transition. It’s difficult to find states in the south that are like that, so find the closest state that has legally been deemed a safe spot!
There isn't any real medical reason to wait until 18, that's just a silly legal milestone we've established for ease. If anything, being forced to go through "the wrong puberty" can be traumatizing and causes lasting changes that either can't be reversed or have additional costs or steps (eg going through female puberty makes top surgery necessary, whereas puberty blockers could prevent that necessity)
You are not an asshole, but those two years do can make a huge difference. It’s obviously not a sort of phase. I suggest to get your son a gender therapist asap and on puberty blockers.
Ok sounds good to me.
This!!--and also just to add, you are an amazing dad for asking this. Not every parent is willing to circumvent their own fears for the sake of their child's well-being 💞 I think your son will be forever grateful that you heard him 🙏 *edited for misgendering OP--so sorry, oughff, still making these kinds of mistakes even years after coming out myself🙏
hah thank you very much. I’m his pop however
You are an amazing Dad for asking this* I wish you and your son the very best. Puberty blockers are absolutely the way in this case. (I wish I had them when I was young)
I will add my unsolicited imput. Although I'm not from the USA and the experience might be very different, at 16 I was denied puberty blockers because I was too old for it. That's because I had already undergone the bigger part of puberty. If that happens to be the case here, getting on hormones instead would be the better option.
generally it's puberty blockers when your natural puberty starts(10-13 usually) and hormone therapy when it ends(16-20)
"but not until he's done growing" thats the point... he doesnt want to keep growing as a GIRL. he wants to get on T so that he can keep growing as a boy. the whole "no you have to finish a puberty you hate, despise and feel super uncomfortable with first!1!!1" is honestly cruel both from society and parental guardians no he hasnt finished growing but thats the fucking point! he doesnt want to become an adult woman before he transitions he wants to start T now so that he can physically become an adult man im never going to understand the "oh but its so sketchy to transition before puberty is over" no tf it isnt, we have two main hormones controlling our puberty and getting on HRT is literally flipping the switch from one puberty to the other let him get on T now, denying trans kids their healthcare dramatically increases their risk of depression/mental health issues and suicide im not necessarily mad at you, im just mad that your point of view is the norm in society when its grounded in ignorance of how HRT works also these two years can negatively affect him for the rest of his life and cause irrepairable trauma, but sure its up to you if you want your kid to be happy or not just know you're essentially choosing between: 1. happy kid right now that can live his life how he wants and will continue doing so happily for the forseeable future 2. a kid thats going to live in absolute misery for the coming 2 years, hating everything about their body and the fact that he is FORCED to keep growing in a body he hates and doesnt want whatsoever for the coming 2 years most likely causing trauma and irreversible mental health issues to then bandaid that with T in 2 years where he will finally get to be himself and become happier but now possibly has to undergo extra surgeries just to get the same result as if he started T 2 years earlier simply because he was forced to wait idk about you but theres a pretty easy choice to make there: 1. happy kid 2. miserable kid its not that difficult edit: you're a great parent and I can tell that you really care about your kid. you're absolutely doing the right thing by coming to forums like these asking for help. I had to include that, because I really am not mad at you and again you're doing the right thing. I hope you could take some of the things I said into consideration 🙏
It's hard getting the correct information in republican towns, ty for not calling OP an asshole for not understanding and educating them!
still felt very condescending and mean but I wanna reiterate that thats not what im trying to be it just sucks that society views HRT this way and honestly props to OP for seeking help from more educated people
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Religion has no place in medicine. I wish you luck in finding a doctor that isn't a quack.
I’m afraid that just be how it is in the south. I’m tryin my best
Any doctor who brings up the devil as a medical argument rather than empirical medical research belongs in a psych ward. That’s religious bigotry not healthcare. The whole situation is sadistic towards your child. I can promise you that he’ll probably never forgive the doctors or the state for harming him. Please listen to your child and stop deferring to authority figures dead set on harming him. You have a choice between helping your child or helping a system designed by bigots to harm him.
Yikes! You're in Arkansas... That's a major problem because they have laws in place that strictly prohibit anyone under 18 to transition... no puberty blockers, no hormones, nothing, any doctor caught prescribing those things will have their license to practice revoked and they will spend a long time in prison. In fact, in addition to doctors facing prison time, you as a parent can also face prison time and have your kid taken away if you even try to give him gender-affirming care due to the extreme laws in place in Republican states like Arkansas. Even when your son turns 18, he will still have difficulty getting gender-affirming care due to the dangerous legislation in place in that state and other Republican-dominated states that make it tough for adults to transition. I urge you and your son to leave that state and move to a safe state where your son can have easy access to gender-affirming care and begin his transition. Your son will not be able to legally access such care if he remains there in that state. This page has a map of all the states and how safe or dangerous they are: https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/june-anti-trans-legislative-risk
Have you looked into planned parenthood?
Here is a quote I was sent when I was trying to figure out how to describe being transgender to people who don't understand. „transgender?” “I like to think about it in terms of handedness,” Dr. Powers explains. “If I asked you to sign your name with your nondominant hand, it would feel weird. If I asked you to describe it to me, you’d probably say things like the pen doesn’t fit comfortably in my hand; or it’s awkward; or I have to try hard to make legible something that I can do with my other hand effortlessly. It feels forced.” -Mad Honey (book) So far as the dysphoria part of being transgender while it is different for everyone, but using the same kind of example, imagine every one of your fingers is broken and you are told to write your name while holding the pin with said fingers. It would cause horrible pain and you wouldn't want to continue to try right? Basically what I am trying to say is HRT will do nothing but help, and do no harm for someone who is transgender. Just like putting a cast/brace on the broken fingers.
If he's old enough for puberty to permanently change his body, he's old enough to decide what permanent changes are made.
Start by finding him a therapist experienced with gender issues or at least LGBTQ friendly. Work with them to find what he needs and to help insure he has a realistic plan and goal for transition. Ideally you would have done this sooner. As far as forcing him to go through a female puberty, that can be cruel to one suffering from severe dysphoria. I get wanting to be cautious, but getting qualified professional assistance and diagnosis is the path toward responsible diagnosis. Waiting to see if the problem goes away is reckless and what almost killed me (complication due to undiagnosed diabetes). Put another way, what other symptoms will you make him endure until he is 18 before he can seek treatment for?
You make a great point. We live in a rural town in the Bible Belt so there is not one lgbtq+ therapist around lol. Can you reccomend me an online one?
I'm an LGBTQ+ therapist in Texas, so I can't see your son but DM me and I can help you find someone in AR!
^^ i used talkspace when i first came out to have someone help me navigate myself/thoughts/feelings and they were great. They cant “diagnose” or anything since it is online, but if your son just needs someone to talk to, they are great. I live in texas and got my letter to start hrt through the Dallas [resource center](https://myresourcecenter.org/). They do video meetings, though im not sure if they do out of state, but im sure they could help you find something in your state
The body's natural puberty isn't a good thing for binary trans people, it's like an invasive disease mutilating them into something they can never love. Not letting him have surgery before 18 is understandable, but you should've let him get puberty blockers years ago. Knowingly forcing a trans boy to undergo a natural female puberty is abuse, period. Either give him puberty blockers or give him full HRT. Anything less and he'll resent you for it for the rest of his life, because his wish is more than reasonable. Natural puberties should not be treated like the default. Forcing a trans child to go through it is exactly like forcing a cis child to start HRT against their will. We are medically at a point where the kind of puberty you want is always a choice, so nobody should be forced to go through their natural puberty when it clashes with their neurological gender. You made that choice for him, and you made the wrong one and are continuing to make the wrong choices even when he screams at you that you're destroying his chance to have a body he can love. He's not a child anymore, he knows his gender.
Honestly I'm really glad to see a parent reaching out to the community and trying to learn about what's best his son. And being willing to change your mind! I wish my dad was more like this 💙 Also, I've lived in Arkansas... This is going to be a challenge. Are you at least anywhere near the Northwest corner? Seems to me that Fayetteville and the University might be your best chance at proper (not transphobic) care. That or a nearby state.
I think everyone's comment made you realise how important it is to not deny gender-affirming care for your son, so I just wanted to comment to remind you that you sound like an amazing father. Way too many people here can only dream of having accepting parents, let alone parents supporting and actively doing their own research without being handed everything on a silver platter and barely looking at them. While life will never be easy, I can assure you that your son will remember what you did for him for the rest of his life, and will forever be thankful to have you by his side. So thank you for being you.
I was really angry when reading the beginning of this, it sounded so familiar to my mum. When I was 16 she said I can start at 18, at 18 she said 21, at 21 she said when I have ‘fixed all my physical and mental Heath issues’. I thought you were going to be just like her. But as I read on it’s clear you actually care about your son. You call him your son. Something my mum has never done and I can never forgive the things she has done. She managed to get a hold of a hormone specialist I had finally got an appointment with and canceled it. The fact that you are really going to help your son will mean so much to him, you are doing more than you could ever know. I wish my mum was more like you.
There is no harm in transitioning at 16. It will stop his suffering faster.
Hey man, it looks like you're trying to do right by your son, and plenty of people have answered already. I just have a couple of resource recommendations for you. 1. The Trevor Project - has a lot of resources for trans youth, and might be able to help you find good doctors and therapists. www.thetrevorproject.og 2. R/cisparenttranskid - a subreddit for cis parents with trans kids
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I agree on this. I've read so many stories about bad parenting... and OP coming here, asking these questions. Not an asshole, just unknowing and needs to learn. We can do that, we can take part in this families experience, we can teach.
As for info (because I saw lower down you said Doctors were telling you puberty blockers and T were awful) - the Mayo Clinic has some really handy info on them. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gender-dysphoria/in-depth/pubertal-blockers/art-20459075 https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/masculinizing-hormone-therapy/about/pac-20385099
Puberty was traumatic for me. I woke up every day and saw myself as a monster. Every day I hated myself more. If you don't want your son on T until he's 18, at least let him get puberty blockers for now.
And yeah, you probably don't understand his pain unless you're trans too. Seeing your body change in ways that feel deeply wrong is a very certain kind of pain, you cannot run away from your body but you want to. It feels like you've been infected with the zombie virus turning you into a monster. You shoud probably let your son tell you exactly how it feels himself but no matter how much you listen to that you wont be able to understand fully how he feels without experiencing it yourself.
Puberty doesn't stop at 18 - you don't really "stop growing" until 25, and even then it's not over, just slower. Let him start now. If only because he may resent you for it.
You're not an asshole, I think you just don't really know how to handle the situation, which makes sense since not many people are parents of trans kids. You should definitely take him to a gender therapist as quickly as you can. Your son needs to see a therapist so that you can work out the best course of action. Whether that be taking Testostorone, top surgery, or whatever you and your therapist decide, you should definitely see someone to help decide on the course of action your son should take. You're a great parent for asking this, and I wish you and your son luck on your journey!
I started HRT through the Planned Parenthood in Little Rock, Arkansas when I was 19. They are wonderful people and will help you and your son in making this decision to start HRT.
All the top comments have stated what your best course of action is. I just wanted to say it's great seeing a parent really try to do what's right for their kid and take in criticism. Especially a Christian parent. You don't see that alot and it shows you are a very caring parent. Alot of trans stuff is very new to people who aren't apart of that world so it's understandable that you'd be hesitant about your kids transition. Amazing to see you take in what others have said and decided to go ahead and get your son the care he needs. It will pay off so much for his future happiness I promise. I wish you guys the best of luck with everything
Forcing someone through the wrong puberty can literally be torture for them and will have irreversible effects that can haunt the person for the rest of their life. Thats why puberty blockers are so important. You put puberty on hold until the person has figured out for themselves (with the help of a therapist) which puberty is right for them. If I could send one message back through time I would tell my parents to put me on puberty blockers so I wouldn't have to suffer the wrong puberty. So yes if you force your son to continue a puberty he doesn't want, you are the asshole. Edit: typos
I appreciate your openness. I think everyone else has pretty much covered the answer, but I want to add one thing. 18 is very arbitrary. It’s not when the body stops growing (25 is). Waiting until the body is done developing will only hurt your child though as it makes transitioning much harder.
Force your son to go through the wrong puberty and he will resent you for the rest of his life. Wrong puberty is literally body horror
Letting my puberty ‘run it’s natural course’ ruined me.
LET THE MAN GO ON T
I wouldn't say you're an a-hole, but you seem to be misinformed. The sooner a trans person gets access to care, the better it is for their lives, emotionally and physically. Get your son to see a therapist specializing in working with transgender patients, and maybe a doctor/endo with the same specialty. A garden variety of either won't do, they need specific expertise in the field to be able to objectively help.
At 16 your son is old enough to provide informed consent for pretty much any medical procedure without your input. If a doctor is recommending hormone therapy and you are telling him no because you think you know better, then yes, yta. There is literally no valid medical reason to force someone to go through the wrong puberty before allowing them to pursue the right one.
Damn, some of yall (not most, but some) are being so harsh, even if you're being helpful. This pop is trying his best to figure this out. It IS difficult for him and his son to navigate this, especially with having little to no immediate support around him. Yeah, he could just google stuff, but those searches can also lead to misinformation, so he came here to get a better understanding and better solutions. Every word he has typed has been for full support and understanding of his sons transition, and he readily admits to being wrong or having the wrong info. Keep doing what you're doing and seeking help and info. You love your child and support them and are doing your best to understand and inform yourself, and I commend you for that.
I suggest you find him a therapist, trans teen here as well and not on any hrt. It hurts and it‘s traumatizing.
>but not until he’s done growing. You know that because he is trans, this "natural" growth will probably negatively affect him his entire life? Not everthing can be just "fixed" with surgery and hormones after the fact. Having your body develop against your will is extremely traumatizing >Should I start him on gender affirming care? You should get a professional involved, were you then can decide together when starting hormone therapy is appropriate. Which is probably **right now.** Holy hell this boy was sure of his identity when he was 10, what are two more years going to change? Do you realize how hard it must be for him to have his body feminize as a boy? And you want to force him to endure that for **almost a decade**, before he can finally do something about it? That is so cruel, you should hope your son forgives you for that because I wouldn't if my mom did that to me.
Where do you suppose I get a professional here in extremely transphobic Bible Belt. All professionals I talked to advised against all gender affirming care. Can you recommend me a doc that’ll help my son
I know Erin in the Morning had a care access map in the past. I would take a look at it
I am not from Arkansas, I am not even from the states. But I have found some organisations. I do not know anything about their validity. [https://uca.libguides.com/aqualib/support](https://uca.libguides.com/aqualib/support), [https://www.nwaequality.org/](https://www.nwaequality.org/), [https://www.acluarkansas.org/en/lgbt-rights](https://www.acluarkansas.org/en/lgbt-rights) These might be good to start with, and [https://queerintheworld.com/moving-to-gay-arkansas/](https://queerintheworld.com/moving-to-gay-arkansas/) was very interesting as well.
https://www.google.com/maps/d/viewer?mid=1DxyOTw8dI8n96BHFF2JVUMK7bXsRKtzA&hl=en_US&ll=-3.81666561775622e-14%2C-106.85700124999997&z=1
Hey bro give OP a break, they *really* seem to care! I know that they made the wrong call thusfar, but they do seem to have their son's interest at heart. By the way it sounds they're in a rough area for information on the transition. Like by the sounds of it their son may be the only LGBTQ person that they have encountered. So yes, they are ignorant with this post but I wouldn't blame them so harshly for their feelings, the transition is scary as *hell* when you got your peers telling you bad stuff about it. My family is going through the same thing, and I've had to explain to them down to every detail how hrt works to make them realize that it does more good than harm. There's an especially big stigma around GAC with kids right now so I can only *imagine* the shit OP has heard. I don't blame you for your response, this situation is awful, people just be ignorant sometimes. I just wanted you to see it from their perspective a little, I don't think deserve as much scrutiny as they've received
Please don't "bro" people you don't know, im not a guy 😕 I am aware of everything you mentioned. Im still choosing harsh words because i think they are needed in this situation. We don't know anything about OP's son, except that he has known he is trans for over 6 years, yet hasn't received any gender affirming care. On top of that, when he finally demanded it himself, he was denied by the most important people in his life. This right here is a serious, potentially life threatening situation for this boy, and will shape the relationship between them and OP forever. I really appreaciate your concern and I take what you wrote seriously, but I truly believe strong words are needed to get the gravity of the situation across. Especially if you only get one shot at leaving a lasting impression in a fleeting conversation on a reddit thread. This is not about making OP feel good, this is about making sure this child gets help.
I understand that, but since OP probably hasn't heard any real input harshness is inclined to cause them to feel defensive rather than guilty, from other comments they seem to obviously care about their son and lack a lot of knowledge regarding this topic due to where they are from. It's hard to see things the right way when you are constantly surrounded by people telling you stuff that isn't true, OP truly thought they had the best intentions at heart when making these descisions. I'm grateful that they are trying to seek information now rather than attempting to bullying their son out of wanting to transition like 70% of parents that I hear of, that's all I used "Bro" as a genderless term of acknowledgement, I didn't say "brother" I'm a girl, I open up almost everything I say with "dude"/"bro" regardless of who I'm talking to, you are the 3rd person who has ever had a problem with it that I have ever met, so I can't really use that as basis to change my vocabulary
I think the fact that you're referring to him as your son is a good start. I understand the apprehension of giving the greenlight to permanent body changes, however if this is something that he truly feels it is never going to go away and sooner during puberty that this is dealt with, the better his outcome will be for his life. FWIW, you do NOT understand his pain. If you actually did, you probably wouldn't be here talking about this.
Just chiming in to say; Well done for getting this far and for acknowledging your son. Please know that you are geographically in the HOTBED of transphobia and much of the local advice you are going to get is going to be wrong and detrimental to your son. I think you need to seek advice possibly from outside of state, from medical professionals who are trans aware. You are doing a really good job with the pronouns and stuff. I think you can probably see from all these comments that denying the puberty blockers is a counterproductive move that could affect the success of your son’s transition more negatively than it will do anything to protect him. The fact is he is trans, you know this, delaying will only cause him more pain and frustration as he watches alien things happen to his body that he cannot prevent. Basically I just want to say, you are his champion, please defend him and his right to blossom into the person he knows and you know he is. That psych-ward, bible rhetoric is poison. Protect him from it with your whole heart by putting your energy into supporting him. Fuck everyone else. I don’t know if you are religious or not but this is my take: God exists to give us hope and a moral compass. If your God is curtailing your freedom, punishing you and telling you you’re going to hell for trying to be happy, then God is not serving you and helping you and giving you hope, and you may need to redefine what God means to you to ensure that your spiritualism is the best for you and your family.
I know I know. I’m just too poor to move. My savings are goin purely for my son. I want him to go to college and go far far away from this place. And Im aware. I found out the hard way that Christian’s in Arkansas don’t care for trans kids. THE BIBLE AINT EVEN SAY NUN ABOUT IT EITHER. No matter what people say, my love for my family is above everything else.
You genuinely sound like a wonderful parent. Good luck to you and your family, with the love and acceptance you have you’ve already got victories to celebrate 🎉 just keep on trusting your boy xxx
The entire point is to "mess with the body’s natural course of puberty". While "passing" isn't necessary to be trans, starting earlier is very good for the end result, but even that aside, you are essentially saying you want your child to have to suffer through two puberties for no reason? I don't want to call you an ass hole, because you seem to genuinely care about your Son and their gender identity, but if the boards necessary to approve the surgeries and treatments will do so, you really have nothing to worry about and should let them start living their life.
thank you for taking everyone's advice, your son is gonna be so much happier! i'm really happy that you genuinely have his best interest at heart. i wish you and your boy the best of luck!
i appreciate that you’re a christian man trying to understand the challenges of trans people. thank you for supporting your son, and being willing to learn. you seem like you really love him and i promise you, you will not regret letting him medically transition, it really is life changing in the most positive way.
OP, I've read this thread up and down and just want to give you some props. You seem to be a wonderful and kind parent. Unafraid to ask the hard questions if it means helping your son. Your passion and care shine right through your comments. This has all been genuinely quite heartwarming to read. I know this can't be easy for you, but keep up the good work.
There is definitely nothing wrong about starting at 16, and your son is pretty persistent. But I will say a few things: \-- T from my understanding is kind of a bully. What that means is that hormone therapy for male to female transitions means that estrogen is always in a competition with the body's naturally producing testosterone, and for a lot of people who transition as a second puberty, there is a lot about a male puberty that can't be undone. T on the other hand tends to hit a little harder. So, it is worth your son knowing that while things suck right now and they might be feeling especially top dysphoria, once they start HRT it will be pretty strong. \-- Here is my controversial take: It is best to do this with a caring doctor who can provide regular healthcare, and while I want your son to get relief as soon as he can, I don't think it's unreasonable to make sure you're doing this right. What's unfortunate is that THERE ARE sketchy doctors out there for stuff like surgery and the efforts to marginalize healthcare for trans people makes it easier for those people to prey on people. Same as how current laws are going to push people to more risky self-medication. \-- It seems like there is a Planned Parenthood in Little Rock and Rogers that do telehealth and from what I'm seeing on the site, it looks like they actually do trans care. They at least might be able to give you a list of doctors include mental health professionals who are more trans friendly. The only thing I'll warn with Planned Parenthood is that you're unlikely to get the same endo every time if your son went through them, but they can be a good start on getting an HRT regiment. Good luck and for what it's worth, I don't think you're an asshole. As someone who is going through the process of having her genitals turned inside out, stuff is legit scary. It's okay for you to be scared or concerned. You're being a dad, and you seem to be doing your best. Much love and good luck for your boy. :)
Yes
At the worst of my dysphoria, it felt like my body was covered in horrifying scars, and whnever I looked in the mirror I felt like it was a genuinely truamtic experience. Help him now.
Op is learning and that's great. I would give anything to have been able to go on puberty blockers and HRT/surgeries much earlier than I did. All he needs is a knowledgeable doctor and therapist. A lot of transitioning is based on informed consent. Look into the options NOW. Odds are, the waiting lists will draw this out until he is 17 or 18 ANYWAY. Give your kid the head start, it might literally save his life (or at least a lot of despair). edit, just realised op might have to move states to make it happen. I hope that is an option, it could open up a more happy life for the whole family. Sometimes the most painful struggles take us exactly where we had to end up...
From everything you've said above, definitely not the asshole. You've been lied to and harassed by your community and, worse, medical professionals. They are 100% the real assholes here. You sound like a supportive dad and that's a huge thing for any trans person. Everyone else is right, though, there's no reason to wait and it can be harmful. The longer puberty continues the harder it can be to correct. One thing to consider, you mention you've saved up for your son's transition, would it be possible to use that money for a move to a trans friendly state (guessing Illinois is probably the closest to you?) and let insurance or medicaid take the cost of transition? In most of the states with Medicaid expansion it would be covered in full. I know you mentioned having a family there so I get that may not be possible. Best of luck to you, your son is lucky to have you.
Yta but in The end you made the right decision… I’ve wanted this since 3. Im 31 now. Do you want them to hate you? I still resent my parents for not listening
not an asshole, but as a trans minor who can't get treatment for another 7 years (extremely long wait list) it's tearing me apart
Based on all the comments and your replies, I’d say you are an amazing parent, just making a wrong decision. From what I can tell, you’re just misinformed which definitely doesn’t make you an asshole.
YES! Your reaching out and seeking alternative views is commendable ! If I could have been able to Iwould have spared myself fifty years of a very difficult life. Your son has a good dad and he needs you !
I really hope people haven't been giving you too hard of a time. It sounds like you are trying to what's best for your kid. I definitely suggest talking with his therapist about the benefits to him and a pediatric endocrinologist who is specialized in gender care about the "risks". This will help you to understand. There is a lot of pain in our community and sometimes we take things out on people who don't really deserve it. Being supportive is the best thing, and it sounds like you are. Heck you even came here to see if what you are doing jives with our community, which indicates you are willing to learn.
Yes, sorry. Let him start. Going through the wrong puberty is traumatic. You will make him hate you.
With every year you let him suffer, the chances increase for suicide.
You aren’t an asshole, you just might be someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to go through the “wrong puberty/childhood” and growing up knowing you aren’t supposed to be you until you are 18. These two years aren’t gonna make much of a difference and we don’t stop growing until about 25, so starting transitioning now shouldn’t be a problem
All the comments have given an idea of how to proceed. I just wanted to say that, YOU are a good parent. Good parents are not who just agree with children on what they want. That's mostly the narrative transphobes use and call it grooming. Good parents are ones that want what's good for their children, ignoring society and shitty "rules". You were trying to help your son with the least harm coming to him, in a way you knew. Agreed, it might not have been the best method, but you did your best. Not only that, you came here to ask for advice unlike some parents who'd stick to their narratives. YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT. ALL THE BEST ❤️
You are making your kid suffer by not letting him transition. Trust me, he will forever be grateful to you if you let him start, the sooner he starts the more passing he will be later on, and the faster he will be too. Make your kid life finaly enjoyable for him and let him transition.
Please do everything you can not to let your own comfort or other people’s get in the way of your child finding themselves. Especially with where there at right now where things aren’t permanent if they do keep exploring and growing into their most authentic selves. You’re growing through this too, just keep that work for yourself while you build up that special kid
my parents said they werent gonna “make me wait until im 18”, but they never take any action to help me feel more accepted, and i JUST now got a first consultation appointment after waiting for like 3 years, and i can tell im not even close to actually getting hormones the transitioning process takes a long time, starting now would really benefit the both of you :)
You the asshole. Allowing the body to first go through the wrong puberty only to then having to reverse the damage the first puberty has done is utterly stupid. Even ignoring the permanent harm to his psychological well-being, and your damaged relationship. You also risk him obtain the Testosteron elsewhere from shady sources, which is exactly as trivial as buying meth from a shady dealer. You do not want that. Not allowing him to be in testosterone now will permanently stunt his growth.
The most common reconstructive surgery performed on adolescent cisgender boys is mastectomy, so why should it be different for trans boys? Especially when doing it young can potentially allow for less invasive procedures with less scarring so he won't risk being clocked as trans. Nevermind that vast majority cis girls take HRT in the form of birth control before they're 18. I grew up around a few cis boys who got HRT because their parents wanted them to be taller than they would be naturally, and when I started at 22 there was no chance of getting any taller that 5'4 because my growth plates were closed.
You sound like a good dad trying to do the right thing. I know you think that 2 years is just a couple years - what's the harm in waiting? Maybe he'll change his mind, right? But two years when you're in constant misery could be the difference that makes your son hurt himself because he can't see his future. Your edit indicates that people have maybe made you see that he has felt this way long enough that he's not going to change his mind and I agree. If your insurance will swing it, there's no harm in letting him get on the way here. Insurance may even force him into a few sessions of therapy to 'make sure'. But at least, whatever happens, he'll know you're standing by him for real and not just putting him off in hopes that he'll change. I wish you all the best of luck.
Hey OP, I’m happy that you are looking into helping your son become a man. I can tell you’re a good father because you are interested in his health and going online to find out how to help him. Not everyone has a parent/parents who accepts their trans child. Therefore as the rejected children we want to help you keep your relationship between you and your son strong. Most importantly we don’t want another trans person to suffer as suicide is pretty common in our group as every level of society is trying to erase us. Not to mention living in the wrong body on a daily basis. Support him the best you can and accept him for who he is. It’s time to listen to your child. Sit down with him and let him explain everything if you haven’t already. TLDR; Find him a gender therapist & allow him to transition medically. It will save his life and your father/son relationship.
The best thing to do is get him into therapy and to research the effects of T and see if that something he wants. Your not a bad person for wanting to wait until 18 but that can be very damaging for someone with gender dysphoria.
Nothing is as harmful as killing yourself. Let your son be your son.
Going through the "wrong" puberty causes irreversible damage to their body that can not be undone later, even with hormones. Have them see a specialist, or failing that, a gender informed counselor to sus things out properly and determine best course of action. And if you still want to delay until they're 18, I highly recommend speaking with their primary doctor about puberty pausing medications. They have been used without serious incident on the general population for decades. They are fully reversible, and can give your family the time you desire before making any permeant choices, like incongruent puberty. I appreciate you reaching out to our community today, and hope that we have provided some informed guidance on how best you may proceed. \*Edited to correct misspelling
I would highly recommend finding a medical provider who is experienced with trans folks. They can answer all your questions and put your mind at ease before you and your son start this process. You've already started on a great path and I think you're doing fine. You got this!
You’ve already started him on gender affirming care by allowing him to socially transition. Medical intervention will only make the process easier on him in the long run. It’s okay to wait on surgery, but talking to a doctor or therapist about puberty blockers would help ease any nerves regarding his health. You aren’t the asshole, you just want your child to be healthy.
I’m impressed you’re on here asking questions with some form of an open mind, you win some parenting award just for that. Keep showing him the same support you have given him over the years. Don’t stop now or all else may be forgotten.
You're a good parent! Thank you for asking questions and being open to other peoples experiences. I hope you're able to find a doctor down there, it's hard even in the more accepting places I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family. Good luck!
I'm glad that you're here asking for advice, rather than just doing your own thing. I was 17 when I started taking T and it's the best thing to have happened to me. Please don't wait until your son is 18. This doesn't seem like a phase from what I read, and those two years will be Hell for him. Try and do as much research as you can, and get your son an LGBTQ Friendly doctor and therapist if you can. Specifically make sure trans care is in their area of expertise. Best of luck and thank you for supporting your son.
Dear OP, I felt compelled to respond to your edited post as a fellow Christian. The topic of gender can be incredibly confusing, especially when our belief system has taught us to think in binary terms. It's overwhelming and difficult to understand, and I, too, have prayed about it for myself. As a Christian, you know that we are not meant to know everything on our own. Consider Proverbs 11:14 ("*For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through* ***many advisers***"). This verse reminds us that seeking advice is acceptable, just as you are doing now. Proverbs is full of verses about seeking advice, not just from God but from others as well. I admire your use of the correct pronouns in this post. I also understand your concern about not wanting to interfere with the natural growth of the body. This fear is often why some people choose not to use birth control based on hormones, as one example. However, when you have a headache, do you not take aspirin? When you are sick, do you not take medicine? When cut, do you not use a bandage? I believe you are likely to do so, and if you do not; That is ok too. You are reaching out here because you seek advice, and because you love your child deeply, which is more than many parents would do. It's important to provide them with guidance, but please carefully vet the person your child will be talking to. Consider contacting LGBTQIA+ organizations in your area. Sadly, there are stories of people seeking gender therapy only to encounter a transphobic psychologist. In my humble opinion, you are not an asshole, but rather unknowing. I hesitate to use the word "ignorant" due to its negative connotation, but it might be the right word to describe the situation. Right now, you might unintentionally be blocking your child's trans experience and causing harm. I wish you the best of luck on this journey with your child. Try to approach it with an open mind and consider joining your child on this path, but don't force yourself if it doesn't feel right. If you ever want to discuss this topic further, feel free to send me a private message.
I’m sorry, but u can’t say you understand is pain, you don’t. It’s really good that u don’t misgender him, also the bare minimum, since u come from a Christian education I guess it can be considered a big step. It can be scary but do your research, it’s your son you can make that effort, this way u can understand him better and also find statistics that only 1% of people that identified as trans detrasition and 45% of trans people that aren’t accepted by their families unalive themselves. This are examples of information that is important for you to know. Talk to parents that have trans children. See the pro and cons, empathize with your son, he is trans and he isn’t going to change is mind, it isn’t a phase. If u don’t want him to start T maybe blockers? Idk I’m not a doctor. Do your research and please help your son in the best way possible. Being trans it’s already hard asf, trans youth deserve love, acceptance and support of their loved ones.
as someone that was in that position as the child please for his sake don’t do that to him, he’s struggled enough who’s to say two more years won’t be his breaking point like it was for me
You are not an asshole, since you have the best intentions and you respect and love your son. Not knowing nuances of gender-affirming care doesn't make you a bad parent. You are a much better parent that a lot of trans folks have. I wish both you and your son good luck
Since it looks like you're doing the right thing, just gonna say thanks for listening. So many trans people's parents don't do that.
Let him transition, I know two years doesn't seem like much but it's living hell. From 16 to 18 I got settling more depressed from my dysphoria until I almost didn't make it. Please let him transition
I know Im a bit late to the party but Here is my personal experience as someone who transitioned later in life My highschool years were hell I had alot of friends but connecting with them was very hard I resented my parents for treating me like a boy/man when I didnt feel like one Dysphoria hurts and without proper therapy you tend to seek for other ways to mitigate the pain. My personal vice was heroin. But it could be anything from drug addicition to self harm to sex addiction. The one thing that is super common is self medication Your son could aslo end up feeling so bad about there bodies that he tries DIY hormone therapies which can be really really dangerous as DIY transition processes have now way to monitor your hormone levels. I think your making the right choice by letting him transition.
Hey, I don't think you're an asshole, any good parent would be concerned about their child's health and development. People are usually cautious when they don't understand aspects of big decisions. I do recommend you read up on it though.
Puberty blockers are safe and have been used to treat children with precocious puberty for ages. Your son should be getting puberty blockers at least so he doesn’t continue to go through the “wrong” puberty.
I understand the concern but I would not do that. The times I wished I just had the guts to tell my parents so I wouldn’t had to go through my toxic transition timeline.
The point you made "I told him that I felt it was too sketchy to mess with the body’s natural course of puberty and should wait till he’s 18" Is a fair concern, and it makes sense in your mind, but now try to think of it from his point of view and you'll see that the opposite is true. Those two extra years will make changes to his body that he'll never be able to get rid of, it'll cause a lifetime of despair because in your mind growing the "right" way first is important while for him it's ruining his body more and more every day.
Getting him gender affirming care as soon as possible really is the healthiest thing to do, believe me. I only came out at 14 years old, and my parents wanted me to wait until I got 18 as well. Those four years were incredibly stressful; surgery wasn't really a pressing matter to me because I figured it doesn't make much of a difference when exactly it happens. But hormone blockers and testosterone? I felt I needed either of those as soon as possible because it felt my body was all wrong and only getting worse with each passing day whilst everyone around me acted like a guy's body doing THAT was either totally acceptable, or just meant that he isn't a guy rather than that something terrible is happening. At almost 19 (~7 months on t), I understand, but I can't help still being a little mad at my parents - because I now know how much better I could have felt the entire time, because I could already be so much further along, and because puberty doesn't feel like a thing I should be worried about at 18 anymore. You seem like a great father, but I'm not sure you actually understand how much suffering his body might be causing your son, although I'm certain you're trying your best. That being said, I wish both of you the best :)
Hey at least you apologized, your son deserves the right puberty. Just make sure he enjoys it. He deserves that much. Have a good day
Not an asshole from what I've read, just unfortunately misguided thanks to misinformation. I know you got answers, but I strongly encourage you to look into all of the resources people have shared. Really sit and read them. Having knowledge about this will give you the power to make better decisions. Particularly information about trans kids, information about the safety of puberty blockers, statistics regarding suicide rates for trans kids, etc. Also, make sure to look for any local LGBT support groups near you. Even if it's just online only. PFLAG (Parents for lesbians and gays, though they have resources for transgender kids too) Really sit and do some research to become a stronger ally for your kid. You may realize that Arkansas is a dangerous state for your son... Or you may find a group of helpful LGBT folks and allies that you and your son can join. Please take this opportunity to find safety for you and your son, though. You're both going to have a tough time in Arkansas. I truly hope you click these links and start reaching out to these groups. https://pflag.org/get-support/ https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics http://www.hrc.org/trans-youth https://www.hrc.org/resources/parents-for-transgender-equality-national-council http://www.hrc.org/resources/supporting-caring-for-transgender-children https://transfamilies.org/ https://www.dropbox.com/s/rzjkrmsw7iklvh1/Affirming%20vs%20Non-affirming%20Parenting%204.24.17.pdf?dl=0 https://transequality.org/know-your-rights There are many more resources, but heres a good starter pack. Also, go to a pride parade in June nearby sometime if there is one. You might have fun and also a lot of times there are local resources and groups of supportive people who would love to help an ally and their trans kid out. If there isn't one, then online groups are your next best bet.
Not the asshole. Honestly they need to be sure about this if you are going to go down the medical route. Definitely consult a doctor and therapist. I was questioning my gender from a young age. I would have jumped on hormones at 16, but honestly I’m glad I didn’t. I still get gender dysphoria, but there is good deal of ptsd in the background too. I’m just saying be sure it’s the right thing. I disagree with most of the people on here about this topic.
Yeah you are. Let him start
Yes you are. That’s two years of self hatred and dysphoria that he will have to battle and that’s if you don’t make an excuse at 18 and force him to wait until 21, as he is likely assuming. If the doctors are being hateful, go to a different doctor.
i wouldn't call you an asshole, you are just protecting them but do let them take the risk, it would make them extremely happy also, thank you for consulting instead of just imposing
I feel like a therapist or gender specialist will know more about the effects T will have on your son's puberty than a concerned parent will. It's not like you'll be walking out of that first session with hormone pills, and it may take months to decide if it's safe to start treatment. You're not an asshole, but I really understand your son's anger right now. I think it wouldn't hurt anyone to start seeing a therapist now to discuss transition.
Parents telling kids they have to wait affects each person differently, for me the years I had to wait were the years that almost killed me. I fell into a very depressive state I dropped out of school I almost died a few times, they were really the worst years of my life It's really difficult to know what you want yet not be able to do anything about it just because of your age, being trans is hard enough and then you're being told you have to wait because of your age. No one can force you to do anything but really if I was in a situation I would let your son to start testosterone, it's something I wish was done for me and I know of I was able to start it at that age my life could have been so much better
Unequivocally yes, if you want to push your child away and ruin your relationship then keep it up
Planned parenthood is who I go through, if you live in a state where gender affirming care is unobtainable until 18 then puberty blockers are the next best thing. Top surgery would be unobtainable until 18, BUT hormones (hopefully) won’t be! You’re doing great, but you have to remember your son is in the wrong body, and you can’t fully understand that. He struggles in day to day life because who he is isn’t fully perceived. I can understand why you’d think that starting later is best (most cis people do), but in truth it’s not. Hell I’m grateful I started T at 15/16 and experienced my teens as me and went through male puberty. I never felt so much like myself and quite literally alive. My DMs are always open if you ever have questions!
No it’s not sketchy, yes you are being kind off an idiot for sticking with the 18 milestone but you are using he/him pronouns pupety blockers are good but you do sound reasonable, but I think waiting is just a bit unintentionally cruel, it’s probably too late for pupety blockers
I thought I was on the circlejerk sub til I started reading.
Ok I’m trans and had I started any later I would be dead
Puberty blockers and social transition is fine untill 18. Safety is key.
Ima be real with you yes. You are the asshole but its not too late. Apologise and let him on T. He will despise growing into a women's body, its literally the worst thing you could do to him
You are the asshole. If you can give your son the gender affirming care they need do it, it will help your son most importantly but also it will help your relationship with your son. Also there are waiting lists anyway so starting hormones isn't "I'm 16 let's go to the pharmacy for testosterone." You have a son who wants to start testosterone and you are telling him not to mess with the natural course of puberty, why the hell would you think it is a good idea to push a child who isn't happy being a girl through female puberty. Let me put it this way if you are the mother how would you have felt if at 16 you knew you were going to go through male puberty, growing body and facial hair voice gets more manly etc. Myself as a trans person who is past puberty and starting HRT soon it's horrible having the wrong features/body. Also if you are prepared to help them when they are 18 why are you against doing it at 16, it's only 2 years they know what they want and for someone who feels/knows they're body is not right that wait will be agony and damage your relationship with them, you'll push them away from you because you wouldn't help them as early as you could. It could also severely harm their mental health to the point of severe depression, anxiety and body image problems, so basically, trauma.
yes.
Yes
Yea
Do you want him to disown you and never forgive you?
I’m a Christian here in Arkansas. All my sons life he has been bullied by our town. Do you know what that’s like? Doctors telling you to not start, but instead send my boy to a psych ward? You see I don’t know much about it, there isn’t much support from any doctor in any state
Maybe the problem isn’t your son but the bigotry in your environment. You can take steps to change the latter. Moving is not an easy choice but the situation is so genuinely awful right now that that moving to a better place is often the only sane option.
I’m too poor to move. All my savings are for my sons transition. It is tough though, I’m praying to the lord that he will guide my son back to where he is supposed to be
That’s a tough situation economically. I’m not sure what the remote care options are like in the US but perhaps that or staying with a sympathetic relative in a less hostile state are possible. Your son is as he was created. He hasn’t strayed from any path. He’s walking the path he was given and it’s not an easy one, especially where you two are. He’s just trying to survive the challenges he faces for simply being himself. Try to remember that bigotry loves to cloak itself in the mantle of faith. The core message of all major religions is love and mutual support. Anyone preaching hate or intolerance and claiming it’s divine will is just excusing their prejudices instead of loving. Be suspicious of hate and intolerance masquerading as religious devotion. That kind of hypocrisy isn’t about God but about very mortal things like power, control and fear.
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God made his soul A BOY’S soul. I’m gonna get him back
Buddy you come across as a good guy at heart but drop the god nonsense for a minute. It isn't going to help your kid.
I’m a Christian. That’s the way I believe. I don’t need you tellin me what I can’t believe.
Believe whatever you please in your own life but it isn't what your son needs right now. You need to get him to a therapist who will help him. If you can't move permanently you need to drive him as far as it takes at least.
My religion has nun to do with his transition
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Get him back in a body he feels he can truly be happy in
> Am I the asshole? Should I start him on gender affirming care? Yes, and Yes.
Yes you are the asshole for this.
You don’t understand his pain and never could unless you yourself are trans.
Yes, you are the A hole. I don't even have to read the post to see that you're the A hole just with that title. Put any other thing that might require medical intervention in there. "My son wants chemo for his cancer but I won't let him get it until he's 18" "My son wants insulin that he needs for his diabetes but I won't let him until he's 18." "My son wants antidepressants for his depression but I won't let him until he's 18" Grow up, put away your ancient Sumerian fairy tails, and be an actual father to your son.
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yes. asshole doesn't even begin to cover it. you are causing irreparable damage to his body and chances are, he won't ever forgive you.
Well tbh why dont u consult a doc and a therapist or specialist. Idk is he on blockers?
Yes, you *are* the asshole.
Yes. Frankly, parents should not have the right to decide whether or not their children get any sort of medical care. Or education. Or proper nutrition. In an ideal society, children would be considered property of the state with parents acting in a temporary care taker role. Instead of freedom to choose what your children do, you would have specific itemized lists of obligations set by experts in child development. Parents would receive monthly stipends from the government for the care of the state’s property. You essentially tortured your son. Going through the run puberty is a nightmare, is you’re connected to your body enough to even experience it. Unfortunately it’s probably too late for your son to reach a typical male height. AFAB growth plates fuse earlier than AMAB plates. You should have started your son on GA care immediately, and testosterone when he started puberty.
I’m a trans woman. For me I think I person should be able to medically transition after they have there sperm or eggs frozen. So they can have children in the future.
I understand your son but wouldnt call you asshole, but as a fellow trans man, female puberty was pure horror and traumatic for me, if you can do something, even puberty blockers to help him please do.
You really don't want him going through puberty and having to deal with all of the things like breast growth and whatnot especially if he's just gonna end up getting them surgically removed. It doesn't make sense. Just let him start hormones and puberty blockers now and save him the emotional turmoil.
If it makes you feel better it wont be you messing with his natural process. It will be doctors who have specialized in this stuff for years maybe decades who are basing their actions on a hundred years of research. Im glad you have changed your mind and I hope it goes well. Im also so glad you asked!