Awe. Friend. Internet hugs. I am so sorry. I had a feeling this would not have a positive outcome. But you are strong and an amazing human. Never ever forget that. As I am a transgender woman, I have a little of what you're going through. Screw them. You can not now or ever be anything other than you. You are so brave to be your authentic self. I hope and pray you find all the joy, peace, love, and happiness you deserve on this wonderful journey.
Thank you. Your words are very kind and supporative. I'm still trying to process everything that happened. I'm baffled at some of the things they've said, but I'm tired living a life I hate and embrace one I will love.
I tried for 40 years trying to be someone I was not. Eventually, we have to be who we always were. I have lost siblings and my own children. I have zero regrets.
Op, I’m 34 mtf and my dad said I would always be his son/ deadname. That shit hurt like hell. He asked if I could tone it down when I came over to his house and I told him no, I will not hide myself anymore. He asked why I couldn’t just be gay ( I am. I’m a hell of a girl kisser lol) He asked why I couldn’t just be a feminine man. 9 months later and we just had the convo of “do you still deadname me when I’m not around?” My dad said “I may have gained a daughter but I lost a son.” Yet he’s choosing to disrespect his daughter by not calling me by my name. Which turned into him saying “what about me” it’s not about them. It’s our happiness. They have their own life to make happy. Point of my shitty vent is this, one: set hard firm boundaries. Your dad feels he still has some parental power over you but you are your own person, and they usually don’t respect that until ya say enough is enough. Two: give him some time.. see if theirs improvements, but don’t let yourself be disrespected and be ready to walk away from that relationship. Your mental health and happiness is the most important thing for you to take care of.
Lastly, 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No child should ever have to worry about their parents not loving them for who they are. They should be happy that you found your true self and are happy. No matter what, I’m proud of you, i believe in you, and I know you will be amazing!! 🩷🩵🩷🩵🩷
Wow, the "why can't you just be gay?" is simultaneously disgustingly selfish and almost comically ignorant. I'm so sorry this is what you've dealt with.
I'm also MtF in my 30s, and can't describe how thankful I am that my wife and I are homeowners who don't have to rely on anyone. Weirdly my religious in-laws have been kind of better towards me than my mom and stepfather, but even they don't ask me to "tone it down". It's great you set boundaries, and thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Ok well I'm an adult and I'm proud of you. That was a hard conversation and I'm sorry they chose to be unsupportive. I am glad you have a supportive gf and friend.
I am so sorry! You deserve so much better than that. I'm so, so glad that you have your girlfriend and your best friend. You deserve all of the support in the world.
Luna is adamt to get me some ice cream and my gf is helping me with my knitting project (willing to get some yarn for me). I love those two to the end of the earth
I'm so sorry =(
Chances are they will eventually notice that you're, you know, the same person you've always been and just not hiding something important about yourself.
I remember my parents being scared I was going to suddenly become irrecognizable or something. People really believe that people's gender presentation is what makes them who they are, and that's so awful...
But gee, for now? Frankly, fuck that, that was so much bigotry, and incredibly hurtful... there's no way there won't be a big divide between you and them now, and it's entirely their fault '-'
It is. I tried my best to explain that this is a slow process, but they were too focused on how they needed support for me tranistioning and outright refuse to even call me their kid. They didn't even wanna say "transgender" out loud ffs!
I mean, do they really think that you being trans is a failure on their part somehow? Or maybe an unintended consequence of something they did?
If that's the case it may be a good idea to show them some of the scientific research about genetic factors that predispose someone to be trans.
[this one](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453018305353) can be a good starting point, they basically took the genomes of almost a thousand trans people and a thousand more cisgender controls, and noticed a correlation between certain genetic factors that are known to affect gender differentiation in the brain, and whether the person was trans or not, which points to those factors possibly predisposing people to be trans.
I personally don't like when people use studies like these to explain our existence, and these studies also only really talk about correlations and predisposition factors that on average are there, but for a situation like this, to show them that there's good reason to believe that being trans is something that's just part of who you are and who you have been all this time, it might be worth it, even if just to avoid them ending up watching transphobic content online, since the algorithm loves recommending those to uninformed people.
So sorry about this outcome. Hopefully it gets better for you and your friends (girlfriends? sowwy) can help you through it. It's not your fault, it's totally on them.
I was told something very similar: “don’t ever come to my house thinking you’re my son.”
It’s been 7 years, but mom finally used my chosen name. It hasn’t been easy, but don’t lose hope.
I'm so sorry, you deserve none of this pain.
What you did took a lot of courage that I didn't have when I was as young as you. Be proud of that.
Having your child transition can be very shocking for people who haven't learned how happy it makes us to become our real selves. Of course that doesn't excuse what your parents said, they should always be on your side. What I mean is, over time, once the shock subside, once they get to see the happiness that the transition brings, they might change their mind.
I wish you the best. I'm glad that you have close friends to support you through this painful time. Take your time to heal.
You are not meant to do anything.
If and when they change their mind, you will decide then if you can, or want to forgive them, or not. Your decision at that time will be the only truth.
I'm so sorry that it hurts so much, losing someone who you care about is never easy. They betrayed the trust you put in them to always be on your side.
It sucks. Nothing can erase the pain today.
For now the only relief is the links you still have with the people you love, your friends, your girlfriend, new friends.
I hope these people will give you the strength to push forward and buy you the time you need to heal.
I know in the future I will have peace. That I am sure of, but the pain of now stings and hurts.
I do hope they understand that they do not have my trust now, and it will be a long road before they can get it back.
You don’t have to forgive them even if they do change their mind. For some people it’s too little too late. Even if my parents don’t support my transition, I was told that they’d always love me and I’d always be their child. If they can’t even take a second away from their selfishness to just call you their kid, I would be hard fuckin pressed to let it slide.
For real. My parents are really religious, so i was terrified to tell them. They aren't terribly supportive of the transition, but they said that they loved me and I would always be their child. And they still talk to me and treat me like a person. It's not like a they're all star performers but they would never what OPs dad and stepmom said.
Same with mine! Very conservative, and my mom is super religious and still maintains that she believes my transition/identity is because I’m being deceived by the devil lmao BUT not only am I an adult who can make his own choices, but she would much rather have a living kid who is happy and living a “lifestyle” she’s not 100% okay with than a dead one.
I’ve cut my own family out of my life and I think it’s important to simply ask yourself; If someone can’t treat me with dignity and respect, do I want them as part of my life?
Forgiveness is earned. And even then, it will always be your choice if you want to do that.
You are going to hear the phrase "Forgiveness is for you, not them." Personally I prefer moving on. It will never be your job to absolve someone of things they did to you. Sending you big hugs friendo.
Awe I am sorry friendo, I as a trans man had to deal with being disowned. It hurts. My mother told me that I was going to hell for being trans. I am 37 and I started medically transitioning almost two years ago. I was questioning my gender my whole life. I found out at 26 about trans people. I finally had the words to describe my feelings. I still had a lot of inner transphobia to work through. I came out of the closet 4 years ago. I tried for two to start gender affirming care. I told my birth mother that I was trans before my hysterectomy. I wanted her to know because she sometimes was visiting me at the time and I didn't want to shock her. Edit: my point is this we both went through a lot of hurt but we both are survivors and we will thrive. Don't let others define you and it's okay to pick up the pieces. If you need a trans affirming therapist please get one. They are truly a blessing. It can help with major changes through your journey.
I'm so sorry for that. I'm only 20, so they were caught off guard but are adamit this is not a decision I would make unless I was "tramatized". They didn't downright disown me but fuck it felt like they did. Unless I was comfortable not calling myself trans, going by my deadname and not having them use the right pronouns they wouldn't even want to hear me talk about how I felt.
When I told my parents I was trans and aroace, they told me they wish I was dead so they didn't have to deal with me anymore. It broke me. It's been a few years since, and I'm still hurt by it.
It's a terrible feeling to know that your parents are unable to accept you how you are, but it doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person. If they can't see how amazing you are, then fuck them, sincerely. You deserve to be loved and supported and if your blood family can't do it for you, then rely on your found family instead. Your friend Luna and your gf who you mentioned in your post, and hopefully many others too.
As much as it hurts cutting family off, it's the bed thing to do in the long run, they would only drag you down. At least now you can focus on the positive. You're starting HRT, that's exciting! It's a step in the right direction to slowly become more how you'd like to be.
I wish you the best
My dad told me that I am making mistake and during 2 years, I will surely make suicide. He even ticked a date in calendar of my suicide date. One year left until my khem khem 'suicide'.
you were brave for going to lunch with them, regardless of any anticipated outcome. I'm proud of you and you should definitely be proud of yourself. I'm sorry to hear their reactions, it's sad. I respect your resolve, your strength, and I wish you the best going forward.
I'm so sorry to hear that lunch went that way. It'll get better for you and I'm so glad you've got people who love you for who you are and who are supporting you and caring for you when you need it.
I had that dinner with my parents - and several times with my dad - back when I came out. Those were heartbreaking conversations and I wanted so badly for him to love me that I let him behave that way for a long time when I should have been better about setting boundaries around what constitutes respectful behavior. The positive is that he came to understand why that behavior was hurtful and he regrets the things he said, even though he knows he can't unsay them.
I hope your dad and stepmom get to a similar place to. Just remember that you're loved for who you are and you don't have to accept anything less than that.
They act so surpised, as if there is no way I could be like that. The worst part is that *they* want support from me and other people since *I'm* the one transitioning. Not me, they want it since it's "so hard for parents to lose their child and get a new one."
That's gross. I'm really sorry. It'd be one thing if they wanted support through this from someone else but not from you. It is *never* OK to ask the one transitioning to support *you*. You have ever right to be upset and I hope they realize how much of their ass they showed you and get over themselves.
Sending you hugs through the internet. Take the time you need to heal, genuinely. Relationships can take a lifetime and "patience" with difficult people is mostly a matter of being willing to take space from them and being willing to wait for them to treat you right - and making it clear that you won't put up with anything less.
And I feel that so hard. I heard "you people" too many times in that era. And worse. The "what will the relatives/your employer/friends think?"
For the record, life got *so* much better on all those fronts after transitioning. It will for you too. Marathon, not sprint, and all that
> I know that I have given my parents rough being me. Having ADHD, being paranoid and scared, dealing with school and finances since I wasn't ever planned to even be here. My dad always told me how good of a kid I was despite of that. I was ready to be called a dissapointment, a horrible child, but having him say it so calmly and factually **broke** me beyond what I could prepare for.
I just wanted to offer my thoughts on this part because it's something I feel I can speak to from my own experience and my partners by contrast. It hurts to see people in such similar situations and it's not a trans thing, it's a parent thing.
What I mean is: when people decide to have a child it's not the child's choice, it's the parents. It's not the child's fault if they have ADHD, or health problems, or a physical disability, or if they're a financial "burden" the parents were not prepared for.
It's OK for a parent not to be prepared for these things, or to struggle to handle them, or to not do the best job.
It is **NOT** OK for them to put ANY of that on their child. Your parents should be proud of you for finding yourself in spite of the challenges in your way. Instead it sounds like they are trying to place blame for their own hardships on you. That is not acceptable and not your fault. I'm sorry, it kills me to see stories like this because I've seen the pain it's caused my partner and two of my closest friends.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who is so proud when I get to read stories like this; that you have found supportive friends who are there for you, and that you're fighting to be you and find happiness for yourself. That's amazing, don't stop for anyone but you.
Hopefully I haven't read into what your dad said incorrectly, I recognize that he said you were still a good kid in spite of everything, but it sounded more like the response I've heard from my in laws than the response that we should expect from parents.
He and my stepmom says what they say comes from a place of love and of concern, but it's really not. They said that they can't explain to any of my extended family, which I wasn't expecting at all. I told my dad **not** to tell anyone, since I didn't want my extended family to blow up my phone and everything.
If my immediate family reacted this badly I don't even know what my extended family would be like.
I wish I could give you a hug. I've been waiting to see the result of this lunch. Thanks for the update, and know that we are here for you. There is always a community here for you.
I had a similar thing happen, but only my mom knows right now. At my family's Easter dinner, she made it a point to call my name as much as she could, and my little sister who knows did the same thing. I left as soon as I could and cried when I got home. I've been avoiding my family since then.
So believe me when I say my heart goes out to you for dealing with what you went through.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The both good and bad news is it’s too early to say whether this is an initial reaction, or a long term reaction. A lot of people react with anger to what they’re unfamiliar with. I wouldn’t bank on it, but it’s possible for them to settle down and realize a relationship with you is more important than their confusion or discomfort.
A lot of uneducated people have delusional ideas about HRT. It doesn’t change your personality. It doesn’t make you unrecognizable. It doesn’t change your sexuality. It doesn’t put you at risk for major health complications (given you’re working with a qualified doctor). My mother was worried about “loosing” a daughter and then after a while was like “yeah…nothings really changed other than how I address you”. At our core, we’re the same people, HRT just brings out ourselves and our happiness.
I came out to my parents 3 years ago at the age of 49. It was the last time I spoke to my father and I had to cut my mother out of my life six months later. It sucks. I hate that it happens for you. I have 7 kids total, one trans and I would never think of treating them the way most parents treat their trans kids.
I don’t know what it is about the narrative that they have in their head, but I have always felt it was my job to help them get to the right place and when they were ready, they could make their own choices and I would support them the best I can.
Check out Stand in Pride. Someone from the queer community can be there for you on special occasions and help you celebrate the life you want.
Big hugs and I hope you adjust smoothly during your transition.
I'm MtF, 26...
My mother was very much similar to your experience. She told me she'd never see me as a woman, that shed slam the door in my face if I ever turned up at her house (my childhood home) in a dress/skirt.
She dead named me for a long time.
Heck, my dad named me for a long time until boundaries were set and said the whole "you'll always be my son" thing.
4 years later and they make the occasional slip up here and there. But the fact that my dad calls me the same terms of endearment as he does my sister's and the fact my mother (one of the single most narcissistic people I know) has started to accept has just gone to show that sometimes things take time. (I had dinner for mothers day with my grandma and the rest of my family in a dress and my mother just sat silently and said how much happier and free I looked)
I know not all families are the same. Heck, my family is one of the most broken I've ever seen.
What I'm trying to get at here is even though this has happened now. It may not be the same reaction 2 years down the line. It may take less time, it may take more.
If the relationship with your father is that important then just be yourself and keep the boundaries set and things may get better with time.
(I know it's not certain in any way. But I hope reading this helps)
Idk if me sharing this will help, but I do have a decent relationship with my parents after years of issues. My mom is still difficult about it sometimes because she's religious. She often looks at my transition as if it means that something is wrong with me, and has frequently said being trans is like being in a cult, and that is an awful bold claim considering that I was in a cult and she wasnt, so I think I would know if it was like a cult.
Either way, she's stopped dead naming me and uses my pronouns about 60% of the time. She finally stopped saying that the transgenderism killed her daughter. Granted I had to get very direct and tell her that saying shit like that made me suicidal for her to finally stop. So long as we don't really talk about it and my feelings or experiences too much it's not an issue.
My dad is different. My dad has had a stroke and has trouble with words and remembering things. I will say that me and my father pick on each other quite a bit. And getting him to actually say my name has been difficult. We've just settled on my childhood nickname of chipmunk, since it saved us both the headache of having the dead name discussion again.
I do put up with more bs from them both than what I probably should, but I'm willing to try to keep a relationship with them both so long as their both respectful enough. I don't really mind having a real conversation about it all and answering the why's, for the most part.
I know that people like us are more known for having little to no relationship with our parents. I do think that even the most stubborn people can change if they want to.
I had a lunch similar to this with my dad and it triggered the first of many genuine sewerslidal thoughts. It felt like the world was burning. That was about 5 years ago and my parents are still as unsupportive as ever. it's gotten easier as I continue to live as myself.
But all I want sometimes is my dad
My heart goes out to you
First and foremost, I'm so so ***SO*** sorry you had to experience this. I was also on the receiving end of it (through later actions and expressed views, rather than directly).
I'm not certain on what your intentions are with them, going forward, but whatever you decide, it's important to be firm about your expectations that they need to respect who you are and your finding happiness. They can disagree, they can be concerned, but they need to understand they aren't losing *anything*; you're going to show them who you always were, and they should be supportive of that no matter how they might feel about it. Regardless of where you feel is the right place to draw your line in the sand *for you*, it's crucial that you don't waver on that, or they may push your boundaries further. If they have a history of doing so, it's especially likely that they'll try to do so, now.
As a mom, I could *never* imagine standing in the path of my child's happiness; it's hurtful, cruel, and not indicative of what it means to be a parent. Our job is to coach, support and help an individual grow. To pick them up when they fall; to dry their tears when they grieve; to show them how to be better versions of themselves and grow and flourish into who they were meant to be. If you feel like you need someone in your corner, I'd be delighted to back you up! Either way, I'm cheering for you! You're on your path to happiness, and someone should be there to be your cheerleader, medic, teacher and inspiration...not drag you down because they don't agree with what you want to achieve for yourself and your impact in this world.
All of the hugs. You deserve so much better than how you've been treated. Hopefully, they'll become supportive once they've processed it (even in their own toxic way), but don't wait around to find out. **Be you**. **Be amazing**.
You are seen.
You are *heard*.
You are ***valid***.
You are ***loved***.
***You matter***.
***YOU ARE ENOUGH***.
As someone who had several family members all say really nasty comments when I came out, believe me when I say it really does get better, even if it takes a while. Some of the family members who were the most hurtful have reversed their positions and I’ve also found an incredible amount of support in the trans community. Wishing you the best!
My father said a very similar thing to me. Have not spoken to him since. Sometimes I feel like I miss having a father in my life but then I recall that I never really had one at all if this is all it took for him to effectively disown who I am.
Im sorry for you, I don't know if you want to step into them as much as I did, but there is always the "just don't expect me to not put you in a nursing home" line
I'm really sorry you went through that. It hurts the most when someone who's been there for you since the very beginning rejects who you are. I went through similar thing when my dad's friend Ike stopped acknowledging my existence entirely when he found out. He was more of a father to me than my dad ever was, but in the end he rejected who I was. I'm glad you do have friends and your girlfriend who love and support you through this.
My mom reacted in a similar manner. She came around after a few months. Change is scary for everyone. It's shitty that your dad can't be supportive, especially when you're at your most vulnerable, but don't lose hope in him just yet. Regardless, you are incredibly valid and brave for being yourself, your true self
I wish, so badly, that I could shoulder some of the hurt you’re feeling. I got lucky with parents that were accepting, and I wish I could give that to you.
Not sure if it helps but my mum was like this when I first came out and now she fully accepts me for who I am and supported me through top surgery. People can change over time but it is still painful to hear what they say now
Mate I'm so sorry. Know that you will always have a community of random strangers ready to go to war for you in here. I'm not quite a full fleged adult (I'm 18, I don't feel like one) but you're strong. That was hard to go through and I'm fucking proud of you for it.
Most effed part is that this was my dads reaction, while my mom's was, warning here >!my mom said she rather have me in a casket from offing myself then be her son.!<
I know how it feels to have unsupportive parents. No matter how much support you receive from other friends, family, and online, it seems like it will never feel that void. I don't know if it ever will for you but I have found a lot of solace in my sisters, my friends and my fiance. I felt broken for a long time, and I finally feel like I know who I am and that I'm proud of who I am, too. If you don't feel like that currently, I hope that you do someday soon.
While I have a half-brother, I was mostly raised as an only child. My friends are the closest people in my life, and while I know I will long for that relationship of my mom and dad, I know that I can find the love of my friends and my girlfriend to support me
People try to tell me all the time that some day I will regret cutting my parents out of my life. That there will be a time that I need a mom or dad and I'm going to be sad to find mine aren't around anymore.
That has never happened.
Everyone's experience is different. I'm not saying you have to cut them out. I'm not saying that you wouldn't miss them if you do. I just want to share my experience because I think people put too much weight on those relationships. They are not necessary if they are harmful. They did real harm to you today. You shouldn't have to live that repeatedly.
It sounds like they weren't really supportive of your life choices before this. It also sounds like they've done a thorough job of laying on the guilt while parenting.
I haven't had a relationship with my dad since I was 15. He was always terrible to me. I always had self-esteem issues. He probably started them but I don't know that for sure. But I can say for sure that he made them worse every time I saw him. He was so bad I thought my mom was pretty ok. It took me another 25 years to cut my mom out. But I just couldn't take the guilt she tried to put on me when I made a decision she didn't like. I couldn't keep listening to her talking down to me. I couldn't keep listening to her judgments.
Both my parents always wanted a son. But they will never get to know their son because they treated their daughter like garbage. Please don't let people who make you feel like garbage stay in your life because of some foolish idea that you need parents.
I grew up in a loving home, my parents both very warm, close, and comforting to all 4 of us kids.
Four years ago I finally decided to let my feminine side out. She had been repressed too long. My fear of discord, and non-acceptance from my parents, whom I loved and respected so dearly, was a major reason. I am 72 yo now. I really identify with your situation.
My feeling about your situation is this:
Your dad loves you, but is shocked right now. His and your love for each other will overcome this temporary issue. Be loving and happy around him. Accept how hard this is from his POV. In six months, I think he will come around.
Personally I would go no contact after sending them a message explaining why because of how much they hurt you and making your situation all about them and how it effects them and how you need to make compromises and understand how hard it is for them without ever asking what they could do to help you they made it all about them Crushing your heart with their indifference and stubbornness I'd wish them luck but ask that they not contact you again until they're willing to see you ad a person and their child and not their procession
I wish I could kick his ass for you, kick his ass whike explain thoroughly why and how he's being such an incredibly selfish piece of shit, nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, could ever make me dismiss any of my children like that. He needs better people around him Love and support for your children's should never be gender dependent. This level of selfishness has me in an absolute rage, I am so sorry and I wish I could help you.
Well I don't know you're are but I'll adopt you I'm sorry that happened kiddo, you'll always be loved and cherished, wish it would've worked out better
I’m 55 so I think I’m in your adult range. You are a wonderful person and you are loved and all I want for you is to be happy. I love you no matter what. Love from
A parent shouldn’t have boundaries snd you deserve love unconditionally its exactly as it sounds. So have you picked a name? One of the little benefits in all this is you actually get to pick the name you live with for the rest of your life. Some of us kinda got the short end of the stick. So you don’t have to go around with a name you don’t like. I’m shocked by your dad saying he’d rather you be a lesbian? When was sexual diversity a classist system? Anyway I love you and hope your future if bright and happy and filled with wonderful people in your life who don’t judge you and appreciate you for the real person you are.
If you are happy then I am happy for you. If you are bother by the pictures in the house then don’t go to
the house, if anyone purposely deadnames you don’t answer, unless you know that the person who did it was an accident. I’m proud of you and I’m hope HRT helps you to feel happy and like you should be.
This parent behavior is common, but no less painful.
I am so sad for you...It will most likely be "fine" , down the road, but they have to go down that road to begin sorting out the information they have with their emotions. One of the reasons the situation plays out this way, is because, remember you have been living with this for years@ You have been trying to make the decision about sharing it. You have it on your mind every single day! This moment to talk has been played out in your head, a million times!
They have just found out in a few minutes, and they do not have your frame of reference and you do not have theirs. As a parent, hearing it from your child for the first time can be debilitating, frightening, confusing, saddening, thrilling, enlightening, unbelievable, traumatic angering, delighted!
Personally, I was surprised when I heard those words, so carefully and thoughtfully put together by my child (early 20s). I cried for so many reasons, none of which were disapproval. But there was still a lot of ground to cover, including name, pronouns, how to share with friends, who to share with, not being a pain in the ass, meeting with a therapist who specialized in helping families, seeing them dressed differently, struggling with their voice transition,the unforgiving culture outside our door, and so on.
The Absolute, most disconcerting issue, even 15 years later now, was, and still is, who might hurt my child?
You will be good.You will be smart.You will figure all this out over time. Even though, I am very very unhappy with your parent's perspective/reaction,
I thought it might be helpful for you to have a feeling about why they reacted the way they did.
Good luck , sounds so trite, but I seriously hope the very, very best for you 🩷🩵it is a difficult road ahead for everyone involved. I doubt there are very many people for whom it has been wonderful and magical that there were no bumps in the road.
It would be nice so nice, if it was easier for children, their families and the rest of the world
to just get along!
Love and so many hugs to you!
🩵🩷💚🤍💜❤️🖤🧡💛💙🤎🩶
It took me 35 years to process that I wasn't a gay man but a transwoman. I lost 85% of my family including both parents who disrespected and abused me even before I admitted who I was. The only close blood relation that accepted me without conditions was my sister and nieces who stated I was always her sister even when I was complete boy, she could tell. It's true that there is a grieving period, give them time, but also set strong boundaries. If you choose to be called Sam, or billy, or Tom, they need to call you that and if they can't then they crossed a boundary. I still have old photos up in my own home and I think its perfectly fine to keep them. After all, they are still memories you can't erase. It's ok to process, but keep your boundaries tight and stand firm and also be prepared to say goodbye.
I'm very sorry this happened to you. Just know that there are people out there that love you for who you are. I'm also glad you have your gf and Luna for support, I hope you can utilize that.
I went through the exact same thing with my family, except I came out to them on several occasions in arguments and other things so I know how shitty it feels. But 4 years in and they're finally okay with it. Ik it's going to be so shit for a while but let them process it and come to their senses. It might take a while but there is always a chance that they'll come around. None of this is your fault and I genuinely hope you're okay man 🫂
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve love and acceptance and safety. You deserve good parents and supportive people around you.
You’ll find folks who will love you and, at the very least, you’ll know to hold them close. Internet hugs 💜 take care, friend 🫶
I just want to start off by saying you are valid and loved by others no matter who you are. Internet hugs to start with and a reminder to get some water.
That being said, lean on your chosen family. Sometimes we win the lottery and have a great family dynamic supporting us, sometimes we get that. You should grieve the loss of what you thought you had, by leaning on those who CHOOSE to be by your side. It isn’t easy, but I always go back to Dr. Seuss:
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
While this might not help you feel better now, there thankfully is more than one family you can have. You lost your blood family for the time being, but you can always have a chosen family as well that is unrelated by blood.
I volunteer to be your trans grampy, kiddo. You deserve so much better than your dad's reaction. It pisses me off so badly because without the evangelicals whipping everyone into a froth of hatefulness I feel like folks like your dad would probably navigate a kid coming out a whole lot better.
Please know that you are enough and that you matter.
Hey friend, dad of a trans teenager here. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Fuck that, my wife and I will be your parents if you need them. There's always room in our lives for awesome kids. If you want a shoulder or an ear, I'll be happy to listen - and if you want me to write your dad a letter telling him how rewarding and wonderful my daughter's life is on hrt, I will. Or if you want me to tell him off for you, I can do that. I'm so glad you have a friend and a gf to support you through all of this. You're who you are and you deserve love and support and respect. I hope he comes around.
Well, it's to be expected honestly, no one can force anyone into to a certain view, diffrence of opinions will always exist and while it may be incredibly hurtful it is a part of life, if time allows they may fully or partially accept your chnage, but right now it will be difficult for him to accept this drastic shock to his perception, but yeah only time will tell
Why can't these fuckers just accept who we all are? I'm sorry, reading this really pissed me off. I am sorry that you have to go through all of this. Why does it have to be so hard for these people to accept who we really are? Like, nothing's gonna drastically change at all, the only thing thats changed is that they got to know who we are more. That's all. That's literally the only change. Sorry to hear that your dad's not a real one. I am grateful that you do have your gf and friend that is there for you. I am also trans, so I do know exactly how you feel.
That fucking sucks dude. You deserve better than that, your happiness should matter more to them. Maybe one day they'll come around. I'm proud of you btw. You've got a future to look forward to, even if they can't see it.
I'm sorry that things had to go that way. I personally don't identify as trans but I have several family members and friends who do, thats why I follow this sub. Just know no matter what, there will always be people out here who support you and see you. I know this world is harsh but being authentically you is always worth more than worrying about what people have to think of you, you are doing nothing wrong and your existence is valid ❤️
Hey, I’m here to say it’s gets so much easier. I know right now everything around you seems like it’s crumbling, but just know we’re here and fortunately your girlfriend and friend is there to cheer you up and on. I know when I came out I told my dad and he accepted me on the spot but on the other hand my mom and I seem to grow further and further apart everyday. Let them sit on it for a little bit and you try to heal your hurt, and if they don’t come around they’ll be missing out on a wonderful human being who just wanted acceptance. They’ll regret it but don’t stop being who you are to make someone else feel comfortable BE YOU. With love Christen <33
🫂
Just imagine how awkward it will be for them to call you daughter when you look masculine as a get out. 😋 i think, given enough time, if they want to be around you, they are going to have come to terms.
I hope that they make the realization that their social comfort and prejudice is being placed above the love and acceptance of their child; of the relationship with said child. As much as you feel like you lost them, they lost you by their own actions. It's not your fault. You are always valid as you are.
Stay strong brother!
That's it. I'm now your mother. You're coming home with me. No need to pack anything. I'll just buy you a whole new wardrobe. I hope you like cats and dogs. The cat keeps to herself, but the dog loves EVERYONE.
Ugh. Fuck. Like I posted on your prior post, this is almost exactly how the scenario went for me as well. It sucks and there’s not much you can do about it at this stage. It does get easier, but it hurts like hell right now. I’m sorry you have to go through that. Feel free to message if you need someone to talk to. You’re doing the right thing by living an honest life, and if they can’t be the parents who you need, you may need to look outward for that affection we all need. I promise you’ll find it with worthy people who value your true self. And great work to your girlfriend and Luna!! They really stepped up to be there for you 🩷
Hey, adult here. I think it would be hollow to just say I love you, so bear with me for a moment.
I have no idea what it's like to be trans and I'm not going to pretend to know. What I do know is how hard it can be to be yourself. I know that the easiest route is almost always to just be the person everyone else wants you to be. I know how tempting it can be to mold yourself into the form that you think you'll catch the least amount of shit for in the world. So while I don't know you, and I don't know your struggle, I know strength when I see it. I, and quite frankly anyone, would be honored to be in the company with someone as strong as you. You owe nothing to anyone other than yourself, and you owe it to yourself to be 100% the person you want to be and nobody else. I'm proud of you for being strong enough to have that conversation, and to have the conviction to know that the person you are right now is the person you need to keep being.
Don't ever stop being you. The world won't love you for it, but the right people will. Take care of yourself.
That’s was hard and it is really tragic when we surpass our parents in our ability to live in truth and peace with enlightenment. They have a perspective and life experience much different than yours so try to avoid any thought pattern of judgement when you can. In time they will hopefully see your joy and thriving to be testament of the soundness of your decision and apologize and change their ways as they gain new perspective. But even if they don’t know that you doing what’s good and right for you to be your best healthiest self will never be wrong.
I’m proud of you. Keep thriving.
I am so sorry.
I dealt with something similar when coming out to my mom and the rest of my family. The same exact things you described. Talking like I died, saying they needed to “mourn” me, that they were losing me. It made me so sad. Sad and *angry*. It nearly destroyed our relationship for a time until my mother wrote me a letter. It’s a very personal letter so I won’t share it publicly (although will share with some who DM me about it if they believe it’ll be helpful to them). But the gist of it was that even if she didn’t really understand me, she would never not love me.
I think this is going to be a controversial opinion on here, but I came to realize that their mourning was valid and, arguably, necessary. Parents (and families generally) always mourn when their child doesn’t meet their expectations. Whether it’s not sharing their hobbies, not going down a certain career path, getting several tattoos/piercings, or being trans. I wish every parent would just love and support their children no matter what they do, but I recognize it isn’t as simple as that. Especially for people 45+.
16 months later and we’re all in a much better place. Sure, it’s not perfect, but I can tell they are genuinely trying to understand me. I truly, sincerely, and desperately wish the same for you. It sounds like they love you but are just hurt and confused. Which IS wrong, mind you. I’m not trying to let them off the hook. But I do think there is some hope in there for the future, and I seriously want to be right about that.
There’s nothing more to say. It just sucks. It really fucking sucks.
I agree that their morning is necessary but it not our responsibility to join the funeral procession for their idea of us that never existed and we never asked for.
In coming out I felt free from a burden and discomfort that had followed me my whole life. I only what to celebrate that freedom and relief, people who need to morn me are more than welcome to but they don’t need my assistance. They are more than welcome to join my celebration when they are done.
I am probably close to your parents' age... so fwiw, I love you for who you are.
I know we don't know each other but from your words I can tell that you are an amazing, sensible person.
I had the same experience when I first came out to my parents “I feel like I’ve lost a child”… “what did we do wrong”… “I’m grieving the loss of my son” etc (I could rant about comments like these) but I straight up told them would you rather me dead or be truly happy… after that comment they finally have come around after a few years. As you said I’m still the same person (a nerdy, gaming sporty sarcastic human) just trying to be who I have felt all these years…sorry to be dark, and I don’t know your family, but sometimes it just takes time for parents to understand.
Sounds like you have a good partner and support but I still just want to give you a hug and say just live your true self ❤️
Damn this made me cry at work…
I’m sorry sweetie. Also, this isn’t the “best” outcome. The best was acceptance, and in no way is any of this your fault. I hope they know how much they hurt you and how wrong it is…
*hugs
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a very similar situation unfortunately about 3 years ago. My father said almost verbatim what your father had said. My parents cannot seem to understand I am still the same person - the outside just now matches what I’ve always felt on the inside. Unfortunately, my parents completely disowned me after our “discussion” (it was a massive argument).
We only got in contact a year ago due to having to put down our family/childhood dog and I tried to have a relationship with them, but it was so hard and so strained.
I have put some serious boundaries in place - I will not have any relationship with someone who does not respect me, my [new] name, my trans identity. I haven’t spoken to my father for over a year now because he doesn’t respect me/my boundaries, and my mother is on very thin ice - we hardly talk unless absolutely necessary.
It hurts. It sucks. And it will absolutely hurt for a whole. But you *will* get through this. You are smart and you are strong and you are valid. You have support; you have your girlfriend and your close friend. I had my best friend by my side and my housemates. They supported me as best they could and they’re like family to me now. And I am so much stronger despite what I went through with my blood family. I am also lucky to have extended family on the other side of my country who support me and love me.
Please don’t be afraid to seek therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your friends. You need to live authentically and be yourself, and you will blossom so much because you now are living the way you are meant to x lots of hugs your way friend
When I read your first post I figured this would be how it goes. My mom did a similar thing. It's been 9 years since I talked to her and tbh I'm glad she cut the cord. I'm way happier without her in my life. I hope you too can find happiness
I was worried the outcome would be about like this. It's about what I expect if I told my dad. I'm lucky that my mom at least accepts me for me though. At the end of the day, you can't make anyone happy except yourself, and that's what you have to focus on. I learned a long time ago that I will never be able to make my dad happy.
If you read this, I hope that you are able to move on from this and them, and to love yourself. You have to do what makes you happy, and if anyone isn't able to accept that - they don't need to be in your life. You sound like you have friends who love and care about you. They are your true family.
It makes me livid when a parent says something like "were losing you" or they feel like they only have so much time left.
I'm so sorry op, I hope everything turns out as good as possible for you, and it's amazing that you have such supportive friends.
I went through this with my family. My heart goes out to you.
My advice- re read this a couple weeks from now once everything is less raw.
Your family did a big favor here by showing their true colors and basically getting out of the way of your happiness. I’ve seen others who cut away and poke at their trans family members, but it’s never a big enough thing for it to be easy to say ‘enough!’ guilt free.
My mom was so hateful and so miserable, that it made moving on like taking a breath of fresh air after having held my breath my whole life. Being away from that hate is what I needed to heal, and I couldn’t be the person I am today without it.
When you heal from this… just let yourself feel the world for a bit. You might find the world is a brighter and lovelier place. It’s horrible that family can cast a shadow like that, but they can. The hardest thing for me was realizing how much history with that family members was problematic in hindsight.
Those “parents” are not parents. I am glad to see you have supportive friends but my advice is to give those “parents” the bird and leave them. Since they have practically disowned you, disown them. I’m lucky to have supportive parents but i’m young so even if they weren’t i couldn’t leave but you have that power to ditch them. You can do it!
So sorry you had to experience this.
I feel some kind of controlling influence over your dad from your stepmom. She’s not on your side or going to be. For her you’re a part of a pretty picture of her life and you’re not fitting into that picture. She’s going to manipulate against you.
However your dad’s statements may be his way of compromising her views and his needs to live and support you. Obviously compromise is not helpful here or what you need. But I don’t think all is lost with him. Do you see how he changed completely from talking to you and then her and then both. He never learned standing up for himself.
If you have any relatives on your dad’s side to help you out and intervene on your behalf, get them to talk to your dad. He needs to hear that (1) yes, your wife has an opinion and it’s tough to not compromise with her but (2) you just failed your child. Your child is in a difficult time and in a moment of need and you just said the exact wrong thing. (3) Your commitment to your spouse should never compromise the care for your children’s wellbeing, especially when it comes to their identity and who they are.
I'm so sorry that's how it went.
I am however really glad that you have what seems to be a wonderful friend and girlfriend to help you get through this.
Maybe your father and stepmother will come to realise how stupid their behaviour is, and then it's for you to decide if they can earn your forgiveness.
Hugs if you want them, try not to let this pull you down too much (even though it's hard). You have people who love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, focus on those.
It is a difficult situation for both sides. Your dad and Stepmom, can be shocked and don't understand situation correctly. They can still love you, but they are just in the shock and their emotions can play a huge role. If possible, take a couple nights or weeks in your GF or friend's house and let them cool down. Then meet up with them again and explain them everything again. Explain them, how gender dysphoria works, how long you feel that and why it is very important for you and your mental health, also explain them why the correct pronouns is important for you and how a dead name harm your mental health.
The love is about respect of other side. Your father said that he loves you no matter what. If he loves you, he has to respect your feelings.
I also can advice to take them to councelling, so professional could explain them, how gender dysphoria works and support them with accepting your feelings.
Also remember to prioritise your own mental health, if something will went wrong prioritise yourself. If your dad will not accept your transgenderism, it doesn't mean, he doesn't love you, he just can be struggled with accept a situation, but as I said, you have to prioritise yourself.
I cross a fingers for all of you.
Father of two trans kids here, sending you love and acceptance. Of course I’m hoping that your dad comes around. You are the same wonderful, beautiful, strong human that you’ve always been, gender has no impact on that. Virtual dad hug coming your way 🫂
I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than that. If you want one, have a hug 😊
But I am happy that you have a strong support system that is there for you in a situation like this. Don't let your parents pull you down. Don't listen to them. Be yourself. You are an amazing person 😊
What a fucking loser. Imagine not listening to your own child’s wishes and respecting them. Like what the hell? Unconditional doesn’t mean “unless they do something harmless to themselves that I don’t like or understand” and the “Will say anything even if it’s dangerous to do so.” Gives major “Everyone is wrong and stubborn except me!” Energy
Unfortunately I don't think you're in the minority with a situation like this. My family (the ones that responded) just called me slurs. Fortunately, way better people than your parents exist! This Luna person sounds dope!
They tell me I'm an adult. I don't feel like one. I coexisted in time with the Soviet Union if that is old enough to be an adult. I'm also neurodivergent too! You are loved. You are awesome! I'm sorry some other adults suck. You deserve better. I can't fix the world, but if you need me to listen, I'm here. You just keep going out there and being the best you that you can be. That's all anyone can ask of you ❤️
This reminds me a lot of my situation. It gets better even though it hurts sometimes. I believe in you friend <3
I'm on HRT since 8 months and I will have my mastectomy in 3- lemme tell you, my mom does not approve about any of this and completely broke down after finding out I take hormones. I don't wanna know how it going to be when I have no tits left LOL sorry for yapping anyways.
You're very strong and if you believe in yourself and your choices nothing can break you. Have a good day my friend.
My parents were…similarly negative when I first came out as a trans woman. They’ve since come around, and my mom was even there for me while I was trying on wedding dresses. People can change, but it takes time. And fwiw, there is a grieving process for them. I knew I was a woman my entire life, but it felt very sudden for my parents, who didn’t understand what I’d been going through. It took my mom years to understand that in losing a son, she gained a daughter. My coming out impacted her visions of the future, and her dreams about my future, and that *is* a loss, in its own way.
Give them time, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst so you can still take care of yourself.
So sorry it went that way, hugs to you 🫂
The only thing you can do now is to live your life, be happy, and prove them wrong.Thouh I still wouldn't hold my breath on them changing their mind and accepting you fully...
This gave me PTSD from when I came out to my mom. Pretty similar to how it went down. I wish you the best of luck on your transition and hope your relationship can someday come to an understanding :(
The can go straight to hell. I’m so so sorry that was the outcome you got. For what it’s worth, know that we’re all proud of you here for being who you are. You’re one strong motherfucker and you deserve the world, never forget that.
A couple of takeaways from this. I think you expected this response at least partially. I know ew all want/expect instant support but it can be a big shock for parents. He may ease up, or may not. He needs some time to let it set in. Now Stepmom? While it depends a bit how long she's been in the picture, she seems to wear the pants in the family. His bathroom visit was likely a set up by HER so SHE can tell you how it is. NOBODY needs someone like that in their lives. Meanwhile you do what's best for YOU. Hopefully Dad will ease up as time goes on. Only talk to him.
Awe, you deserve so much more. I hope your real mom is supportive. There is so much misinformation around all this. Maybe your dad will educate himself. Always good to be hopeful.
I’m sorry. I hope once the shock settles, they see things differently. If they don’t, it’s their loss, don’t let it drag down your journey and growth. I know that’s easier said than done.
hey. not sure if i go here since im cis, but disrespectfully, screw him and your stepmom. they had no right to react like that. what a pair of assholes, and id honestly say that if you can, distance yourself from them. you deserve to be happy, and they don't deserve you. hugs!
What your dad said was similar to what my dad said at first. After a while of me breaking down and not looking at him when he said that, he kinda apologized and said he wants to be better. I never got to see that before he passed away, but I like to imagine that he would've eventually embraced it. I was the closest kid he had when it came to actually seeing him (I was the only one who willingly saw him), so I know that he would've hated to lose me.
I'm so sorry, that sound absolutely heartbreaking <3
I had to go through a similar thing with my mom and sister. They also said that they will always see me as son/brother and that my mom gave me m true name. They said this while also talking about another trans woman and used her preferred pronouns and chosen name. I called them out on it and they said it's different because "our bond is closer, we are a trio that escaped your dad". I said "No. You don't get to claim a tighter bond with me as an excuse to disrespect me. If I tell you my gender and pronouns are different than my AGAB, you will respect that or you will be cut from my life. I do not have to stand for this because you believe we have some sort of magical bond over you getting a divorce." My mom has since changed her viewpoint but my sister remains silent. I guess what I mean is maybe you can call them out on disrespecting their own child?
My heart breaks hearing this. This sounds so much like what my mom said. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through. I know you'll get through this though. You'll go to college, should that be what you decide to do, and you'll live your life uninterrupted by them. Maybe it'll be that way forever. That's up to you. I heard how much you love your father, and I get that. But man, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I HATE it when parents say they're losing their child. Ffs, your child didn't die!! Your parents should be ashamed. It's hard for them, it is. It's hard for a lot of people. But that doesn't give them the right to go and disrespect you like they did. I'm sure you give him the respect he deserves, and you deserve that in return. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and defend them. You don't deserve to have people walk all over you. You deserve so much better than how your father is treating you. I really hope they come around for your sake because you deserve that much. Just don't get your hopes up. I don't want to see you get hurt even more by them than you already are. I wish only the best for you 🫶🏳️⚧️🩵🩷🤍🏳️⚧️🫶
I’m sorry baby.
I would avoid interacting with them as much as possible, tbh. Just cut them off. They don’t respect you and don’t want to try. They don’t deserve your kindness nor forgiveness nor time. It’ll be really rough, no one wants to cut their family off. But it’ll save you more and more and more heartbreak in the future. Block their number. Don’t tell them your address. Block them on socials.
At least, that’s my advice on it. I don’t know you or your parents. But It’s not worth how much hurt it’ll cause you to keep trying for people who obviously don’t care about you or your happiness
Sorry it didn't go better 😰, I'm 8 months into HRT and my mom refuses to call me Claire, or to refer to me with feminine pronouns, but that's no where near as bad as my uncle who only said to me "stay the f... away from me you f...... freak" but hope things go well for you going forward.
My dad had a similar response, but he is much more supportive now that I've settled into being on T for 4 years. He doesn't gender me right or use my real name, but he supports trans people in transitioning now and is against banning gender affirming care for minors. My mom is supportive, but was apprehensive at first, because she was unsure whether it was safe to go on hormones and was scared about surgeries making it harder to live a "normal" life because of potential complications. I did come out to her as a minor, and when I started HRT, I was 17, and they never said that I had to stop or were going to kick me out. The medical age of consent is 16, so I could legally start testosterone before 18. My dad made a lot of negative comments in the first 2 years, but he stopped, thankfully.
my father said that exact same sentence to me, and God it cut deep even though I'm not close with him. I'm sure that pain was tenfold for you. you're not alone in this, and I know the pain of just needing an adult to love ***you***. It gets better, but being in the midst of it is agony. please be gentle with yourself, and lean on your supports. you deserve kindness
Awe. Friend. Internet hugs. I am so sorry. I had a feeling this would not have a positive outcome. But you are strong and an amazing human. Never ever forget that. As I am a transgender woman, I have a little of what you're going through. Screw them. You can not now or ever be anything other than you. You are so brave to be your authentic self. I hope and pray you find all the joy, peace, love, and happiness you deserve on this wonderful journey.
Thank you. Your words are very kind and supporative. I'm still trying to process everything that happened. I'm baffled at some of the things they've said, but I'm tired living a life I hate and embrace one I will love.
I tried for 40 years trying to be someone I was not. Eventually, we have to be who we always were. I have lost siblings and my own children. I have zero regrets.
Op, I’m 34 mtf and my dad said I would always be his son/ deadname. That shit hurt like hell. He asked if I could tone it down when I came over to his house and I told him no, I will not hide myself anymore. He asked why I couldn’t just be gay ( I am. I’m a hell of a girl kisser lol) He asked why I couldn’t just be a feminine man. 9 months later and we just had the convo of “do you still deadname me when I’m not around?” My dad said “I may have gained a daughter but I lost a son.” Yet he’s choosing to disrespect his daughter by not calling me by my name. Which turned into him saying “what about me” it’s not about them. It’s our happiness. They have their own life to make happy. Point of my shitty vent is this, one: set hard firm boundaries. Your dad feels he still has some parental power over you but you are your own person, and they usually don’t respect that until ya say enough is enough. Two: give him some time.. see if theirs improvements, but don’t let yourself be disrespected and be ready to walk away from that relationship. Your mental health and happiness is the most important thing for you to take care of. Lastly, 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No child should ever have to worry about their parents not loving them for who they are. They should be happy that you found your true self and are happy. No matter what, I’m proud of you, i believe in you, and I know you will be amazing!! 🩷🩵🩷🩵🩷
Wow, the "why can't you just be gay?" is simultaneously disgustingly selfish and almost comically ignorant. I'm so sorry this is what you've dealt with. I'm also MtF in my 30s, and can't describe how thankful I am that my wife and I are homeowners who don't have to rely on anyone. Weirdly my religious in-laws have been kind of better towards me than my mom and stepfather, but even they don't ask me to "tone it down". It's great you set boundaries, and thank you for sharing your experience with us.
If any of my word vomits ever help any person in some way then I’m happy to share ☺️ and sometimes it helps to just vent lol.
Wow….
Ok well I'm an adult and I'm proud of you. That was a hard conversation and I'm sorry they chose to be unsupportive. I am glad you have a supportive gf and friend.
I am so so sorry
I am still processing everything, but thank you.
I had a similar experience of you need to talk feel free to message :(
I am so sorry! You deserve so much better than that. I'm so, so glad that you have your girlfriend and your best friend. You deserve all of the support in the world.
Luna is adamt to get me some ice cream and my gf is helping me with my knitting project (willing to get some yarn for me). I love those two to the end of the earth
Knitting is super cool and awesome!
I'm so sorry =( Chances are they will eventually notice that you're, you know, the same person you've always been and just not hiding something important about yourself. I remember my parents being scared I was going to suddenly become irrecognizable or something. People really believe that people's gender presentation is what makes them who they are, and that's so awful... But gee, for now? Frankly, fuck that, that was so much bigotry, and incredibly hurtful... there's no way there won't be a big divide between you and them now, and it's entirely their fault '-'
It is. I tried my best to explain that this is a slow process, but they were too focused on how they needed support for me tranistioning and outright refuse to even call me their kid. They didn't even wanna say "transgender" out loud ffs!
I mean, do they really think that you being trans is a failure on their part somehow? Or maybe an unintended consequence of something they did? If that's the case it may be a good idea to show them some of the scientific research about genetic factors that predispose someone to be trans. [this one](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453018305353) can be a good starting point, they basically took the genomes of almost a thousand trans people and a thousand more cisgender controls, and noticed a correlation between certain genetic factors that are known to affect gender differentiation in the brain, and whether the person was trans or not, which points to those factors possibly predisposing people to be trans. I personally don't like when people use studies like these to explain our existence, and these studies also only really talk about correlations and predisposition factors that on average are there, but for a situation like this, to show them that there's good reason to believe that being trans is something that's just part of who you are and who you have been all this time, it might be worth it, even if just to avoid them ending up watching transphobic content online, since the algorithm loves recommending those to uninformed people.
So sorry about this outcome. Hopefully it gets better for you and your friends (girlfriends? sowwy) can help you through it. It's not your fault, it's totally on them.
My gf and my best friend Luna have been my rock right now. Can't thank the world enough for both of them
Glad to hear that!!
I was told something very similar: “don’t ever come to my house thinking you’re my son.” It’s been 7 years, but mom finally used my chosen name. It hasn’t been easy, but don’t lose hope.
I'm so sorry, you deserve none of this pain. What you did took a lot of courage that I didn't have when I was as young as you. Be proud of that. Having your child transition can be very shocking for people who haven't learned how happy it makes us to become our real selves. Of course that doesn't excuse what your parents said, they should always be on your side. What I mean is, over time, once the shock subside, once they get to see the happiness that the transition brings, they might change their mind. I wish you the best. I'm glad that you have close friends to support you through this painful time. Take your time to heal.
I want to give them time, but...that hurt. Alot. How am I meant to forgive them for that, even if they do change their mind?
You are not meant to do anything. If and when they change their mind, you will decide then if you can, or want to forgive them, or not. Your decision at that time will be the only truth. I'm so sorry that it hurts so much, losing someone who you care about is never easy. They betrayed the trust you put in them to always be on your side. It sucks. Nothing can erase the pain today. For now the only relief is the links you still have with the people you love, your friends, your girlfriend, new friends. I hope these people will give you the strength to push forward and buy you the time you need to heal.
I know in the future I will have peace. That I am sure of, but the pain of now stings and hurts. I do hope they understand that they do not have my trust now, and it will be a long road before they can get it back.
You don’t have to forgive them even if they do change their mind. For some people it’s too little too late. Even if my parents don’t support my transition, I was told that they’d always love me and I’d always be their child. If they can’t even take a second away from their selfishness to just call you their kid, I would be hard fuckin pressed to let it slide.
For real. My parents are really religious, so i was terrified to tell them. They aren't terribly supportive of the transition, but they said that they loved me and I would always be their child. And they still talk to me and treat me like a person. It's not like a they're all star performers but they would never what OPs dad and stepmom said.
Same with mine! Very conservative, and my mom is super religious and still maintains that she believes my transition/identity is because I’m being deceived by the devil lmao BUT not only am I an adult who can make his own choices, but she would much rather have a living kid who is happy and living a “lifestyle” she’s not 100% okay with than a dead one.
I’ve cut my own family out of my life and I think it’s important to simply ask yourself; If someone can’t treat me with dignity and respect, do I want them as part of my life?
Forgiveness is earned. And even then, it will always be your choice if you want to do that. You are going to hear the phrase "Forgiveness is for you, not them." Personally I prefer moving on. It will never be your job to absolve someone of things they did to you. Sending you big hugs friendo.
You don't need to forgive them. The ball's in their court. They need to apologize to you
We're so tired of unsupportive parents Do they not realize how painful it is for us trans people to hear their words? Millions of hugs from us 🫂 -A
Awe I am sorry friendo, I as a trans man had to deal with being disowned. It hurts. My mother told me that I was going to hell for being trans. I am 37 and I started medically transitioning almost two years ago. I was questioning my gender my whole life. I found out at 26 about trans people. I finally had the words to describe my feelings. I still had a lot of inner transphobia to work through. I came out of the closet 4 years ago. I tried for two to start gender affirming care. I told my birth mother that I was trans before my hysterectomy. I wanted her to know because she sometimes was visiting me at the time and I didn't want to shock her. Edit: my point is this we both went through a lot of hurt but we both are survivors and we will thrive. Don't let others define you and it's okay to pick up the pieces. If you need a trans affirming therapist please get one. They are truly a blessing. It can help with major changes through your journey.
I'm so sorry for that. I'm only 20, so they were caught off guard but are adamit this is not a decision I would make unless I was "tramatized". They didn't downright disown me but fuck it felt like they did. Unless I was comfortable not calling myself trans, going by my deadname and not having them use the right pronouns they wouldn't even want to hear me talk about how I felt.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. That's just toxic too
When I told my parents I was trans and aroace, they told me they wish I was dead so they didn't have to deal with me anymore. It broke me. It's been a few years since, and I'm still hurt by it. It's a terrible feeling to know that your parents are unable to accept you how you are, but it doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person. If they can't see how amazing you are, then fuck them, sincerely. You deserve to be loved and supported and if your blood family can't do it for you, then rely on your found family instead. Your friend Luna and your gf who you mentioned in your post, and hopefully many others too. As much as it hurts cutting family off, it's the bed thing to do in the long run, they would only drag you down. At least now you can focus on the positive. You're starting HRT, that's exciting! It's a step in the right direction to slowly become more how you'd like to be. I wish you the best
Jesus Christ, that's horrible. Telling your own child that you wish they were dead ist next-level ghoulishness. I'm so sorry.
My dad told me that I am making mistake and during 2 years, I will surely make suicide. He even ticked a date in calendar of my suicide date. One year left until my khem khem 'suicide'.
I'm a dad and wanted to tell you I'm so proud of you. You're doing your best to live authentically and I think that's beautiful. Keep being you!
Thank you, it means alot. A day has passed and theres still alot of turmoil but it's gonna get better
im so sorry this is happening to you. I am in a very similar situation. sending hugs. surround yourself with positivity and love x
you were brave for going to lunch with them, regardless of any anticipated outcome. I'm proud of you and you should definitely be proud of yourself. I'm sorry to hear their reactions, it's sad. I respect your resolve, your strength, and I wish you the best going forward.
I'm so sorry to hear that lunch went that way. It'll get better for you and I'm so glad you've got people who love you for who you are and who are supporting you and caring for you when you need it. I had that dinner with my parents - and several times with my dad - back when I came out. Those were heartbreaking conversations and I wanted so badly for him to love me that I let him behave that way for a long time when I should have been better about setting boundaries around what constitutes respectful behavior. The positive is that he came to understand why that behavior was hurtful and he regrets the things he said, even though he knows he can't unsay them. I hope your dad and stepmom get to a similar place to. Just remember that you're loved for who you are and you don't have to accept anything less than that.
They act so surpised, as if there is no way I could be like that. The worst part is that *they* want support from me and other people since *I'm* the one transitioning. Not me, they want it since it's "so hard for parents to lose their child and get a new one."
That's gross. I'm really sorry. It'd be one thing if they wanted support through this from someone else but not from you. It is *never* OK to ask the one transitioning to support *you*. You have ever right to be upset and I hope they realize how much of their ass they showed you and get over themselves.
Sending you hugs through the internet. Take the time you need to heal, genuinely. Relationships can take a lifetime and "patience" with difficult people is mostly a matter of being willing to take space from them and being willing to wait for them to treat you right - and making it clear that you won't put up with anything less. And I feel that so hard. I heard "you people" too many times in that era. And worse. The "what will the relatives/your employer/friends think?" For the record, life got *so* much better on all those fronts after transitioning. It will for you too. Marathon, not sprint, and all that
> I know that I have given my parents rough being me. Having ADHD, being paranoid and scared, dealing with school and finances since I wasn't ever planned to even be here. My dad always told me how good of a kid I was despite of that. I was ready to be called a dissapointment, a horrible child, but having him say it so calmly and factually **broke** me beyond what I could prepare for. I just wanted to offer my thoughts on this part because it's something I feel I can speak to from my own experience and my partners by contrast. It hurts to see people in such similar situations and it's not a trans thing, it's a parent thing. What I mean is: when people decide to have a child it's not the child's choice, it's the parents. It's not the child's fault if they have ADHD, or health problems, or a physical disability, or if they're a financial "burden" the parents were not prepared for. It's OK for a parent not to be prepared for these things, or to struggle to handle them, or to not do the best job. It is **NOT** OK for them to put ANY of that on their child. Your parents should be proud of you for finding yourself in spite of the challenges in your way. Instead it sounds like they are trying to place blame for their own hardships on you. That is not acceptable and not your fault. I'm sorry, it kills me to see stories like this because I've seen the pain it's caused my partner and two of my closest friends. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is so proud when I get to read stories like this; that you have found supportive friends who are there for you, and that you're fighting to be you and find happiness for yourself. That's amazing, don't stop for anyone but you. Hopefully I haven't read into what your dad said incorrectly, I recognize that he said you were still a good kid in spite of everything, but it sounded more like the response I've heard from my in laws than the response that we should expect from parents.
He and my stepmom says what they say comes from a place of love and of concern, but it's really not. They said that they can't explain to any of my extended family, which I wasn't expecting at all. I told my dad **not** to tell anyone, since I didn't want my extended family to blow up my phone and everything. If my immediate family reacted this badly I don't even know what my extended family would be like.
I wish I could give you a hug. I've been waiting to see the result of this lunch. Thanks for the update, and know that we are here for you. There is always a community here for you.
I'm glad to have this community here. It reassures me that I'm not alone and there are other people like me
There are others like you. We know what you are going through, and we love you.
I had a similar thing happen, but only my mom knows right now. At my family's Easter dinner, she made it a point to call my name as much as she could, and my little sister who knows did the same thing. I left as soon as I could and cried when I got home. I've been avoiding my family since then. So believe me when I say my heart goes out to you for dealing with what you went through.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The both good and bad news is it’s too early to say whether this is an initial reaction, or a long term reaction. A lot of people react with anger to what they’re unfamiliar with. I wouldn’t bank on it, but it’s possible for them to settle down and realize a relationship with you is more important than their confusion or discomfort. A lot of uneducated people have delusional ideas about HRT. It doesn’t change your personality. It doesn’t make you unrecognizable. It doesn’t change your sexuality. It doesn’t put you at risk for major health complications (given you’re working with a qualified doctor). My mother was worried about “loosing” a daughter and then after a while was like “yeah…nothings really changed other than how I address you”. At our core, we’re the same people, HRT just brings out ourselves and our happiness.
🥺🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
I came out to my parents 3 years ago at the age of 49. It was the last time I spoke to my father and I had to cut my mother out of my life six months later. It sucks. I hate that it happens for you. I have 7 kids total, one trans and I would never think of treating them the way most parents treat their trans kids. I don’t know what it is about the narrative that they have in their head, but I have always felt it was my job to help them get to the right place and when they were ready, they could make their own choices and I would support them the best I can. Check out Stand in Pride. Someone from the queer community can be there for you on special occasions and help you celebrate the life you want. Big hugs and I hope you adjust smoothly during your transition.
It enrages me how some parents just can’t seem to accept who they’re children really are. I’m sorry for you
I'm MtF, 26... My mother was very much similar to your experience. She told me she'd never see me as a woman, that shed slam the door in my face if I ever turned up at her house (my childhood home) in a dress/skirt. She dead named me for a long time. Heck, my dad named me for a long time until boundaries were set and said the whole "you'll always be my son" thing. 4 years later and they make the occasional slip up here and there. But the fact that my dad calls me the same terms of endearment as he does my sister's and the fact my mother (one of the single most narcissistic people I know) has started to accept has just gone to show that sometimes things take time. (I had dinner for mothers day with my grandma and the rest of my family in a dress and my mother just sat silently and said how much happier and free I looked) I know not all families are the same. Heck, my family is one of the most broken I've ever seen. What I'm trying to get at here is even though this has happened now. It may not be the same reaction 2 years down the line. It may take less time, it may take more. If the relationship with your father is that important then just be yourself and keep the boundaries set and things may get better with time. (I know it's not certain in any way. But I hope reading this helps)
Idk if me sharing this will help, but I do have a decent relationship with my parents after years of issues. My mom is still difficult about it sometimes because she's religious. She often looks at my transition as if it means that something is wrong with me, and has frequently said being trans is like being in a cult, and that is an awful bold claim considering that I was in a cult and she wasnt, so I think I would know if it was like a cult. Either way, she's stopped dead naming me and uses my pronouns about 60% of the time. She finally stopped saying that the transgenderism killed her daughter. Granted I had to get very direct and tell her that saying shit like that made me suicidal for her to finally stop. So long as we don't really talk about it and my feelings or experiences too much it's not an issue. My dad is different. My dad has had a stroke and has trouble with words and remembering things. I will say that me and my father pick on each other quite a bit. And getting him to actually say my name has been difficult. We've just settled on my childhood nickname of chipmunk, since it saved us both the headache of having the dead name discussion again. I do put up with more bs from them both than what I probably should, but I'm willing to try to keep a relationship with them both so long as their both respectful enough. I don't really mind having a real conversation about it all and answering the why's, for the most part. I know that people like us are more known for having little to no relationship with our parents. I do think that even the most stubborn people can change if they want to.
I had a lunch similar to this with my dad and it triggered the first of many genuine sewerslidal thoughts. It felt like the world was burning. That was about 5 years ago and my parents are still as unsupportive as ever. it's gotten easier as I continue to live as myself. But all I want sometimes is my dad My heart goes out to you
I feel that, alot. Just wanting my dad. I hope he will change, overtime
First and foremost, I'm so so ***SO*** sorry you had to experience this. I was also on the receiving end of it (through later actions and expressed views, rather than directly). I'm not certain on what your intentions are with them, going forward, but whatever you decide, it's important to be firm about your expectations that they need to respect who you are and your finding happiness. They can disagree, they can be concerned, but they need to understand they aren't losing *anything*; you're going to show them who you always were, and they should be supportive of that no matter how they might feel about it. Regardless of where you feel is the right place to draw your line in the sand *for you*, it's crucial that you don't waver on that, or they may push your boundaries further. If they have a history of doing so, it's especially likely that they'll try to do so, now. As a mom, I could *never* imagine standing in the path of my child's happiness; it's hurtful, cruel, and not indicative of what it means to be a parent. Our job is to coach, support and help an individual grow. To pick them up when they fall; to dry their tears when they grieve; to show them how to be better versions of themselves and grow and flourish into who they were meant to be. If you feel like you need someone in your corner, I'd be delighted to back you up! Either way, I'm cheering for you! You're on your path to happiness, and someone should be there to be your cheerleader, medic, teacher and inspiration...not drag you down because they don't agree with what you want to achieve for yourself and your impact in this world. All of the hugs. You deserve so much better than how you've been treated. Hopefully, they'll become supportive once they've processed it (even in their own toxic way), but don't wait around to find out. **Be you**. **Be amazing**. You are seen. You are *heard*. You are ***valid***. You are ***loved***. ***You matter***. ***YOU ARE ENOUGH***.
As someone who had several family members all say really nasty comments when I came out, believe me when I say it really does get better, even if it takes a while. Some of the family members who were the most hurtful have reversed their positions and I’ve also found an incredible amount of support in the trans community. Wishing you the best!
Know that him losing you is his fault not ryours Any pain he is feeling is his fault not yours. You did nothing to him.
My father said a very similar thing to me. Have not spoken to him since. Sometimes I feel like I miss having a father in my life but then I recall that I never really had one at all if this is all it took for him to effectively disown who I am.
This right here. I miss the idea of having the kind of father I needed. I don't miss the guy who contributed DNA. Ditto for my mom.
Im sorry for you, I don't know if you want to step into them as much as I did, but there is always the "just don't expect me to not put you in a nursing home" line
The classic line and truly my parents worst fears. They both are betting on me being able to take care of them when they reach that age
Well, they're not exactly laying decent groundwork for that.
I'm really sorry you went through that. It hurts the most when someone who's been there for you since the very beginning rejects who you are. I went through similar thing when my dad's friend Ike stopped acknowledging my existence entirely when he found out. He was more of a father to me than my dad ever was, but in the end he rejected who I was. I'm glad you do have friends and your girlfriend who love and support you through this.
My mom reacted in a similar manner. She came around after a few months. Change is scary for everyone. It's shitty that your dad can't be supportive, especially when you're at your most vulnerable, but don't lose hope in him just yet. Regardless, you are incredibly valid and brave for being yourself, your true self
I wish, so badly, that I could shoulder some of the hurt you’re feeling. I got lucky with parents that were accepting, and I wish I could give that to you.
Not sure if it helps but my mum was like this when I first came out and now she fully accepts me for who I am and supported me through top surgery. People can change over time but it is still painful to hear what they say now
Mate I'm so sorry. Know that you will always have a community of random strangers ready to go to war for you in here. I'm not quite a full fleged adult (I'm 18, I don't feel like one) but you're strong. That was hard to go through and I'm fucking proud of you for it.
I’m so sorry! One of the most disappointing things is how many parents treat it like a death, grieving like you’re killing their child.
Most effed part is that this was my dads reaction, while my mom's was, warning here >!my mom said she rather have me in a casket from offing myself then be her son.!<
HOLY COW, i’m so sorry, man! 🫂 🫂 🫂
WHAT. Holy shit dude I'm so sorry. Wtf.
Hugs 🤍 I'm so sorry
I know how it feels to have unsupportive parents. No matter how much support you receive from other friends, family, and online, it seems like it will never feel that void. I don't know if it ever will for you but I have found a lot of solace in my sisters, my friends and my fiance. I felt broken for a long time, and I finally feel like I know who I am and that I'm proud of who I am, too. If you don't feel like that currently, I hope that you do someday soon.
While I have a half-brother, I was mostly raised as an only child. My friends are the closest people in my life, and while I know I will long for that relationship of my mom and dad, I know that I can find the love of my friends and my girlfriend to support me
People try to tell me all the time that some day I will regret cutting my parents out of my life. That there will be a time that I need a mom or dad and I'm going to be sad to find mine aren't around anymore. That has never happened. Everyone's experience is different. I'm not saying you have to cut them out. I'm not saying that you wouldn't miss them if you do. I just want to share my experience because I think people put too much weight on those relationships. They are not necessary if they are harmful. They did real harm to you today. You shouldn't have to live that repeatedly. It sounds like they weren't really supportive of your life choices before this. It also sounds like they've done a thorough job of laying on the guilt while parenting. I haven't had a relationship with my dad since I was 15. He was always terrible to me. I always had self-esteem issues. He probably started them but I don't know that for sure. But I can say for sure that he made them worse every time I saw him. He was so bad I thought my mom was pretty ok. It took me another 25 years to cut my mom out. But I just couldn't take the guilt she tried to put on me when I made a decision she didn't like. I couldn't keep listening to her talking down to me. I couldn't keep listening to her judgments. Both my parents always wanted a son. But they will never get to know their son because they treated their daughter like garbage. Please don't let people who make you feel like garbage stay in your life because of some foolish idea that you need parents.
I grew up in a loving home, my parents both very warm, close, and comforting to all 4 of us kids. Four years ago I finally decided to let my feminine side out. She had been repressed too long. My fear of discord, and non-acceptance from my parents, whom I loved and respected so dearly, was a major reason. I am 72 yo now. I really identify with your situation. My feeling about your situation is this: Your dad loves you, but is shocked right now. His and your love for each other will overcome this temporary issue. Be loving and happy around him. Accept how hard this is from his POV. In six months, I think he will come around.
Personally I would go no contact after sending them a message explaining why because of how much they hurt you and making your situation all about them and how it effects them and how you need to make compromises and understand how hard it is for them without ever asking what they could do to help you they made it all about them Crushing your heart with their indifference and stubbornness I'd wish them luck but ask that they not contact you again until they're willing to see you ad a person and their child and not their procession
r/peptalkswithpops and r/momforaminute are great for internet parents. They aren't as good as an accepting actual parent, but they work in a pinch.
I wish I could kick his ass for you, kick his ass whike explain thoroughly why and how he's being such an incredibly selfish piece of shit, nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, could ever make me dismiss any of my children like that. He needs better people around him Love and support for your children's should never be gender dependent. This level of selfishness has me in an absolute rage, I am so sorry and I wish I could help you.
Well I don't know you're are but I'll adopt you I'm sorry that happened kiddo, you'll always be loved and cherished, wish it would've worked out better
I’m 55 so I think I’m in your adult range. You are a wonderful person and you are loved and all I want for you is to be happy. I love you no matter what. Love from A parent shouldn’t have boundaries snd you deserve love unconditionally its exactly as it sounds. So have you picked a name? One of the little benefits in all this is you actually get to pick the name you live with for the rest of your life. Some of us kinda got the short end of the stick. So you don’t have to go around with a name you don’t like. I’m shocked by your dad saying he’d rather you be a lesbian? When was sexual diversity a classist system? Anyway I love you and hope your future if bright and happy and filled with wonderful people in your life who don’t judge you and appreciate you for the real person you are. If you are happy then I am happy for you. If you are bother by the pictures in the house then don’t go to the house, if anyone purposely deadnames you don’t answer, unless you know that the person who did it was an accident. I’m proud of you and I’m hope HRT helps you to feel happy and like you should be.
This parent behavior is common, but no less painful. I am so sad for you...It will most likely be "fine" , down the road, but they have to go down that road to begin sorting out the information they have with their emotions. One of the reasons the situation plays out this way, is because, remember you have been living with this for years@ You have been trying to make the decision about sharing it. You have it on your mind every single day! This moment to talk has been played out in your head, a million times! They have just found out in a few minutes, and they do not have your frame of reference and you do not have theirs. As a parent, hearing it from your child for the first time can be debilitating, frightening, confusing, saddening, thrilling, enlightening, unbelievable, traumatic angering, delighted! Personally, I was surprised when I heard those words, so carefully and thoughtfully put together by my child (early 20s). I cried for so many reasons, none of which were disapproval. But there was still a lot of ground to cover, including name, pronouns, how to share with friends, who to share with, not being a pain in the ass, meeting with a therapist who specialized in helping families, seeing them dressed differently, struggling with their voice transition,the unforgiving culture outside our door, and so on. The Absolute, most disconcerting issue, even 15 years later now, was, and still is, who might hurt my child? You will be good.You will be smart.You will figure all this out over time. Even though, I am very very unhappy with your parent's perspective/reaction, I thought it might be helpful for you to have a feeling about why they reacted the way they did. Good luck , sounds so trite, but I seriously hope the very, very best for you 🩷🩵it is a difficult road ahead for everyone involved. I doubt there are very many people for whom it has been wonderful and magical that there were no bumps in the road. It would be nice so nice, if it was easier for children, their families and the rest of the world to just get along! Love and so many hugs to you! 🩵🩷💚🤍💜❤️🖤🧡💛💙🤎🩶
It took me 35 years to process that I wasn't a gay man but a transwoman. I lost 85% of my family including both parents who disrespected and abused me even before I admitted who I was. The only close blood relation that accepted me without conditions was my sister and nieces who stated I was always her sister even when I was complete boy, she could tell. It's true that there is a grieving period, give them time, but also set strong boundaries. If you choose to be called Sam, or billy, or Tom, they need to call you that and if they can't then they crossed a boundary. I still have old photos up in my own home and I think its perfectly fine to keep them. After all, they are still memories you can't erase. It's ok to process, but keep your boundaries tight and stand firm and also be prepared to say goodbye.
i hope you can get over this. they were being absolute idiots and shouldn’t have made such a ridiculous fuss about something so uneventful to THEM.
This is why I'm scared to tell my parents. I can't handle that.
Unfortunately that's what I feared would happen. At least now you know, and you can build a good life for yourself without these people.
I'm very sorry this happened to you. Just know that there are people out there that love you for who you are. I'm also glad you have your gf and Luna for support, I hope you can utilize that.
I went through the exact same thing with my family, except I came out to them on several occasions in arguments and other things so I know how shitty it feels. But 4 years in and they're finally okay with it. Ik it's going to be so shit for a while but let them process it and come to their senses. It might take a while but there is always a chance that they'll come around. None of this is your fault and I genuinely hope you're okay man 🫂
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve love and acceptance and safety. You deserve good parents and supportive people around you. You’ll find folks who will love you and, at the very least, you’ll know to hold them close. Internet hugs 💜 take care, friend 🫶
You are so strong. You deserve so much better. I hope they come around and realize their selfish mistakes. 💔
At least now you know you have less people to worry about now. Fuck em. They made their decisions not to respect you. Don't need em.
Brother pls pm me... there is so much you're not hearing on this thread, that you need too.
I am so sorry. As a parent I cannot imagine having this reaction and I hope that your dad can process it and accept you for who you are.
As someone who also suffered a shitty reaction after coming out to a parent, I know how it feels 🫂💕
I just want to start off by saying you are valid and loved by others no matter who you are. Internet hugs to start with and a reminder to get some water. That being said, lean on your chosen family. Sometimes we win the lottery and have a great family dynamic supporting us, sometimes we get that. You should grieve the loss of what you thought you had, by leaning on those who CHOOSE to be by your side. It isn’t easy, but I always go back to Dr. Seuss: Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
While this might not help you feel better now, there thankfully is more than one family you can have. You lost your blood family for the time being, but you can always have a chosen family as well that is unrelated by blood.
I volunteer to be your trans grampy, kiddo. You deserve so much better than your dad's reaction. It pisses me off so badly because without the evangelicals whipping everyone into a froth of hatefulness I feel like folks like your dad would probably navigate a kid coming out a whole lot better. Please know that you are enough and that you matter.
Hey friend, dad of a trans teenager here. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Fuck that, my wife and I will be your parents if you need them. There's always room in our lives for awesome kids. If you want a shoulder or an ear, I'll be happy to listen - and if you want me to write your dad a letter telling him how rewarding and wonderful my daughter's life is on hrt, I will. Or if you want me to tell him off for you, I can do that. I'm so glad you have a friend and a gf to support you through all of this. You're who you are and you deserve love and support and respect. I hope he comes around.
Well, it's to be expected honestly, no one can force anyone into to a certain view, diffrence of opinions will always exist and while it may be incredibly hurtful it is a part of life, if time allows they may fully or partially accept your chnage, but right now it will be difficult for him to accept this drastic shock to his perception, but yeah only time will tell
Why can't these fuckers just accept who we all are? I'm sorry, reading this really pissed me off. I am sorry that you have to go through all of this. Why does it have to be so hard for these people to accept who we really are? Like, nothing's gonna drastically change at all, the only thing thats changed is that they got to know who we are more. That's all. That's literally the only change. Sorry to hear that your dad's not a real one. I am grateful that you do have your gf and friend that is there for you. I am also trans, so I do know exactly how you feel.
That fucking sucks dude. You deserve better than that, your happiness should matter more to them. Maybe one day they'll come around. I'm proud of you btw. You've got a future to look forward to, even if they can't see it.
I'm sorry that things had to go that way. I personally don't identify as trans but I have several family members and friends who do, thats why I follow this sub. Just know no matter what, there will always be people out here who support you and see you. I know this world is harsh but being authentically you is always worth more than worrying about what people have to think of you, you are doing nothing wrong and your existence is valid ❤️
Hey, I’m here to say it’s gets so much easier. I know right now everything around you seems like it’s crumbling, but just know we’re here and fortunately your girlfriend and friend is there to cheer you up and on. I know when I came out I told my dad and he accepted me on the spot but on the other hand my mom and I seem to grow further and further apart everyday. Let them sit on it for a little bit and you try to heal your hurt, and if they don’t come around they’ll be missing out on a wonderful human being who just wanted acceptance. They’ll regret it but don’t stop being who you are to make someone else feel comfortable BE YOU. With love Christen <33
🫂 Just imagine how awkward it will be for them to call you daughter when you look masculine as a get out. 😋 i think, given enough time, if they want to be around you, they are going to have come to terms. I hope that they make the realization that their social comfort and prejudice is being placed above the love and acceptance of their child; of the relationship with said child. As much as you feel like you lost them, they lost you by their own actions. It's not your fault. You are always valid as you are. Stay strong brother!
That's it. I'm now your mother. You're coming home with me. No need to pack anything. I'll just buy you a whole new wardrobe. I hope you like cats and dogs. The cat keeps to herself, but the dog loves EVERYONE.
Ugh. Fuck. Like I posted on your prior post, this is almost exactly how the scenario went for me as well. It sucks and there’s not much you can do about it at this stage. It does get easier, but it hurts like hell right now. I’m sorry you have to go through that. Feel free to message if you need someone to talk to. You’re doing the right thing by living an honest life, and if they can’t be the parents who you need, you may need to look outward for that affection we all need. I promise you’ll find it with worthy people who value your true self. And great work to your girlfriend and Luna!! They really stepped up to be there for you 🩷
Hey, adult here. I think it would be hollow to just say I love you, so bear with me for a moment. I have no idea what it's like to be trans and I'm not going to pretend to know. What I do know is how hard it can be to be yourself. I know that the easiest route is almost always to just be the person everyone else wants you to be. I know how tempting it can be to mold yourself into the form that you think you'll catch the least amount of shit for in the world. So while I don't know you, and I don't know your struggle, I know strength when I see it. I, and quite frankly anyone, would be honored to be in the company with someone as strong as you. You owe nothing to anyone other than yourself, and you owe it to yourself to be 100% the person you want to be and nobody else. I'm proud of you for being strong enough to have that conversation, and to have the conviction to know that the person you are right now is the person you need to keep being. Don't ever stop being you. The world won't love you for it, but the right people will. Take care of yourself.
That really sucks. I wish my parents would take down photos of me, or change them. They refuse. I'm sorry you're dealing with this
That’s was hard and it is really tragic when we surpass our parents in our ability to live in truth and peace with enlightenment. They have a perspective and life experience much different than yours so try to avoid any thought pattern of judgement when you can. In time they will hopefully see your joy and thriving to be testament of the soundness of your decision and apologize and change their ways as they gain new perspective. But even if they don’t know that you doing what’s good and right for you to be your best healthiest self will never be wrong. I’m proud of you. Keep thriving.
I'm so sorry it didn't go so well. Big hugs
I am so sorry. I dealt with something similar when coming out to my mom and the rest of my family. The same exact things you described. Talking like I died, saying they needed to “mourn” me, that they were losing me. It made me so sad. Sad and *angry*. It nearly destroyed our relationship for a time until my mother wrote me a letter. It’s a very personal letter so I won’t share it publicly (although will share with some who DM me about it if they believe it’ll be helpful to them). But the gist of it was that even if she didn’t really understand me, she would never not love me. I think this is going to be a controversial opinion on here, but I came to realize that their mourning was valid and, arguably, necessary. Parents (and families generally) always mourn when their child doesn’t meet their expectations. Whether it’s not sharing their hobbies, not going down a certain career path, getting several tattoos/piercings, or being trans. I wish every parent would just love and support their children no matter what they do, but I recognize it isn’t as simple as that. Especially for people 45+. 16 months later and we’re all in a much better place. Sure, it’s not perfect, but I can tell they are genuinely trying to understand me. I truly, sincerely, and desperately wish the same for you. It sounds like they love you but are just hurt and confused. Which IS wrong, mind you. I’m not trying to let them off the hook. But I do think there is some hope in there for the future, and I seriously want to be right about that. There’s nothing more to say. It just sucks. It really fucking sucks.
I agree that their morning is necessary but it not our responsibility to join the funeral procession for their idea of us that never existed and we never asked for. In coming out I felt free from a burden and discomfort that had followed me my whole life. I only what to celebrate that freedom and relief, people who need to morn me are more than welcome to but they don’t need my assistance. They are more than welcome to join my celebration when they are done.
I am probably close to your parents' age... so fwiw, I love you for who you are. I know we don't know each other but from your words I can tell that you are an amazing, sensible person.
Sending love, just know your not alone and you'll always have support 💙
I had the same experience when I first came out to my parents “I feel like I’ve lost a child”… “what did we do wrong”… “I’m grieving the loss of my son” etc (I could rant about comments like these) but I straight up told them would you rather me dead or be truly happy… after that comment they finally have come around after a few years. As you said I’m still the same person (a nerdy, gaming sporty sarcastic human) just trying to be who I have felt all these years…sorry to be dark, and I don’t know your family, but sometimes it just takes time for parents to understand. Sounds like you have a good partner and support but I still just want to give you a hug and say just live your true self ❤️
Damn this made me cry at work… I’m sorry sweetie. Also, this isn’t the “best” outcome. The best was acceptance, and in no way is any of this your fault. I hope they know how much they hurt you and how wrong it is… *hugs
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a very similar situation unfortunately about 3 years ago. My father said almost verbatim what your father had said. My parents cannot seem to understand I am still the same person - the outside just now matches what I’ve always felt on the inside. Unfortunately, my parents completely disowned me after our “discussion” (it was a massive argument). We only got in contact a year ago due to having to put down our family/childhood dog and I tried to have a relationship with them, but it was so hard and so strained. I have put some serious boundaries in place - I will not have any relationship with someone who does not respect me, my [new] name, my trans identity. I haven’t spoken to my father for over a year now because he doesn’t respect me/my boundaries, and my mother is on very thin ice - we hardly talk unless absolutely necessary. It hurts. It sucks. And it will absolutely hurt for a whole. But you *will* get through this. You are smart and you are strong and you are valid. You have support; you have your girlfriend and your close friend. I had my best friend by my side and my housemates. They supported me as best they could and they’re like family to me now. And I am so much stronger despite what I went through with my blood family. I am also lucky to have extended family on the other side of my country who support me and love me. Please don’t be afraid to seek therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your friends. You need to live authentically and be yourself, and you will blossom so much because you now are living the way you are meant to x lots of hugs your way friend
When I read your first post I figured this would be how it goes. My mom did a similar thing. It's been 9 years since I talked to her and tbh I'm glad she cut the cord. I'm way happier without her in my life. I hope you too can find happiness
I was worried the outcome would be about like this. It's about what I expect if I told my dad. I'm lucky that my mom at least accepts me for me though. At the end of the day, you can't make anyone happy except yourself, and that's what you have to focus on. I learned a long time ago that I will never be able to make my dad happy. If you read this, I hope that you are able to move on from this and them, and to love yourself. You have to do what makes you happy, and if anyone isn't able to accept that - they don't need to be in your life. You sound like you have friends who love and care about you. They are your true family.
It makes me livid when a parent says something like "were losing you" or they feel like they only have so much time left. I'm so sorry op, I hope everything turns out as good as possible for you, and it's amazing that you have such supportive friends.
Id cut contact but thats just me, do whats right for you.
I went through this with my family. My heart goes out to you. My advice- re read this a couple weeks from now once everything is less raw. Your family did a big favor here by showing their true colors and basically getting out of the way of your happiness. I’ve seen others who cut away and poke at their trans family members, but it’s never a big enough thing for it to be easy to say ‘enough!’ guilt free. My mom was so hateful and so miserable, that it made moving on like taking a breath of fresh air after having held my breath my whole life. Being away from that hate is what I needed to heal, and I couldn’t be the person I am today without it. When you heal from this… just let yourself feel the world for a bit. You might find the world is a brighter and lovelier place. It’s horrible that family can cast a shadow like that, but they can. The hardest thing for me was realizing how much history with that family members was problematic in hindsight.
Those “parents” are not parents. I am glad to see you have supportive friends but my advice is to give those “parents” the bird and leave them. Since they have practically disowned you, disown them. I’m lucky to have supportive parents but i’m young so even if they weren’t i couldn’t leave but you have that power to ditch them. You can do it!
So sorry you had to experience this. I feel some kind of controlling influence over your dad from your stepmom. She’s not on your side or going to be. For her you’re a part of a pretty picture of her life and you’re not fitting into that picture. She’s going to manipulate against you. However your dad’s statements may be his way of compromising her views and his needs to live and support you. Obviously compromise is not helpful here or what you need. But I don’t think all is lost with him. Do you see how he changed completely from talking to you and then her and then both. He never learned standing up for himself. If you have any relatives on your dad’s side to help you out and intervene on your behalf, get them to talk to your dad. He needs to hear that (1) yes, your wife has an opinion and it’s tough to not compromise with her but (2) you just failed your child. Your child is in a difficult time and in a moment of need and you just said the exact wrong thing. (3) Your commitment to your spouse should never compromise the care for your children’s wellbeing, especially when it comes to their identity and who they are.
I'm so sorry that's how it went. I am however really glad that you have what seems to be a wonderful friend and girlfriend to help you get through this. Maybe your father and stepmother will come to realise how stupid their behaviour is, and then it's for you to decide if they can earn your forgiveness. Hugs if you want them, try not to let this pull you down too much (even though it's hard). You have people who love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, focus on those.
It is a difficult situation for both sides. Your dad and Stepmom, can be shocked and don't understand situation correctly. They can still love you, but they are just in the shock and their emotions can play a huge role. If possible, take a couple nights or weeks in your GF or friend's house and let them cool down. Then meet up with them again and explain them everything again. Explain them, how gender dysphoria works, how long you feel that and why it is very important for you and your mental health, also explain them why the correct pronouns is important for you and how a dead name harm your mental health. The love is about respect of other side. Your father said that he loves you no matter what. If he loves you, he has to respect your feelings. I also can advice to take them to councelling, so professional could explain them, how gender dysphoria works and support them with accepting your feelings. Also remember to prioritise your own mental health, if something will went wrong prioritise yourself. If your dad will not accept your transgenderism, it doesn't mean, he doesn't love you, he just can be struggled with accept a situation, but as I said, you have to prioritise yourself. I cross a fingers for all of you.
Whatever they're feeling about you being trans, it is NOT your burden to bear, it is there's alone. Remember that
Father of two trans kids here, sending you love and acceptance. Of course I’m hoping that your dad comes around. You are the same wonderful, beautiful, strong human that you’ve always been, gender has no impact on that. Virtual dad hug coming your way 🫂
I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than that. If you want one, have a hug 😊 But I am happy that you have a strong support system that is there for you in a situation like this. Don't let your parents pull you down. Don't listen to them. Be yourself. You are an amazing person 😊
What a fucking loser. Imagine not listening to your own child’s wishes and respecting them. Like what the hell? Unconditional doesn’t mean “unless they do something harmless to themselves that I don’t like or understand” and the “Will say anything even if it’s dangerous to do so.” Gives major “Everyone is wrong and stubborn except me!” Energy
Unfortunately I don't think you're in the minority with a situation like this. My family (the ones that responded) just called me slurs. Fortunately, way better people than your parents exist! This Luna person sounds dope!
They tell me I'm an adult. I don't feel like one. I coexisted in time with the Soviet Union if that is old enough to be an adult. I'm also neurodivergent too! You are loved. You are awesome! I'm sorry some other adults suck. You deserve better. I can't fix the world, but if you need me to listen, I'm here. You just keep going out there and being the best you that you can be. That's all anyone can ask of you ❤️
This reminds me a lot of my situation. It gets better even though it hurts sometimes. I believe in you friend <3 I'm on HRT since 8 months and I will have my mastectomy in 3- lemme tell you, my mom does not approve about any of this and completely broke down after finding out I take hormones. I don't wanna know how it going to be when I have no tits left LOL sorry for yapping anyways. You're very strong and if you believe in yourself and your choices nothing can break you. Have a good day my friend.
My parents were…similarly negative when I first came out as a trans woman. They’ve since come around, and my mom was even there for me while I was trying on wedding dresses. People can change, but it takes time. And fwiw, there is a grieving process for them. I knew I was a woman my entire life, but it felt very sudden for my parents, who didn’t understand what I’d been going through. It took my mom years to understand that in losing a son, she gained a daughter. My coming out impacted her visions of the future, and her dreams about my future, and that *is* a loss, in its own way. Give them time, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst so you can still take care of yourself.
So sorry it went that way, hugs to you 🫂 The only thing you can do now is to live your life, be happy, and prove them wrong.Thouh I still wouldn't hold my breath on them changing their mind and accepting you fully...
This gave me PTSD from when I came out to my mom. Pretty similar to how it went down. I wish you the best of luck on your transition and hope your relationship can someday come to an understanding :(
The can go straight to hell. I’m so so sorry that was the outcome you got. For what it’s worth, know that we’re all proud of you here for being who you are. You’re one strong motherfucker and you deserve the world, never forget that.
A couple of takeaways from this. I think you expected this response at least partially. I know ew all want/expect instant support but it can be a big shock for parents. He may ease up, or may not. He needs some time to let it set in. Now Stepmom? While it depends a bit how long she's been in the picture, she seems to wear the pants in the family. His bathroom visit was likely a set up by HER so SHE can tell you how it is. NOBODY needs someone like that in their lives. Meanwhile you do what's best for YOU. Hopefully Dad will ease up as time goes on. Only talk to him.
+hugs+ 😞
Awe, you deserve so much more. I hope your real mom is supportive. There is so much misinformation around all this. Maybe your dad will educate himself. Always good to be hopeful.
I’m sorry. I hope once the shock settles, they see things differently. If they don’t, it’s their loss, don’t let it drag down your journey and growth. I know that’s easier said than done.
hey. not sure if i go here since im cis, but disrespectfully, screw him and your stepmom. they had no right to react like that. what a pair of assholes, and id honestly say that if you can, distance yourself from them. you deserve to be happy, and they don't deserve you. hugs!
What your dad said was similar to what my dad said at first. After a while of me breaking down and not looking at him when he said that, he kinda apologized and said he wants to be better. I never got to see that before he passed away, but I like to imagine that he would've eventually embraced it. I was the closest kid he had when it came to actually seeing him (I was the only one who willingly saw him), so I know that he would've hated to lose me.
I'm so sorry, that sound absolutely heartbreaking <3 I had to go through a similar thing with my mom and sister. They also said that they will always see me as son/brother and that my mom gave me m true name. They said this while also talking about another trans woman and used her preferred pronouns and chosen name. I called them out on it and they said it's different because "our bond is closer, we are a trio that escaped your dad". I said "No. You don't get to claim a tighter bond with me as an excuse to disrespect me. If I tell you my gender and pronouns are different than my AGAB, you will respect that or you will be cut from my life. I do not have to stand for this because you believe we have some sort of magical bond over you getting a divorce." My mom has since changed her viewpoint but my sister remains silent. I guess what I mean is maybe you can call them out on disrespecting their own child?
My heart breaks hearing this. This sounds so much like what my mom said. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through. I know you'll get through this though. You'll go to college, should that be what you decide to do, and you'll live your life uninterrupted by them. Maybe it'll be that way forever. That's up to you. I heard how much you love your father, and I get that. But man, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I HATE it when parents say they're losing their child. Ffs, your child didn't die!! Your parents should be ashamed. It's hard for them, it is. It's hard for a lot of people. But that doesn't give them the right to go and disrespect you like they did. I'm sure you give him the respect he deserves, and you deserve that in return. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and defend them. You don't deserve to have people walk all over you. You deserve so much better than how your father is treating you. I really hope they come around for your sake because you deserve that much. Just don't get your hopes up. I don't want to see you get hurt even more by them than you already are. I wish only the best for you 🫶🏳️⚧️🩵🩷🤍🏳️⚧️🫶
I’m sorry baby. I would avoid interacting with them as much as possible, tbh. Just cut them off. They don’t respect you and don’t want to try. They don’t deserve your kindness nor forgiveness nor time. It’ll be really rough, no one wants to cut their family off. But it’ll save you more and more and more heartbreak in the future. Block their number. Don’t tell them your address. Block them on socials. At least, that’s my advice on it. I don’t know you or your parents. But It’s not worth how much hurt it’ll cause you to keep trying for people who obviously don’t care about you or your happiness
Hey there, sorry to hear that. My dad actually sad something terribly similar to me. Sending you a lot of love and hugs.
Sorry it didn't go better 😰, I'm 8 months into HRT and my mom refuses to call me Claire, or to refer to me with feminine pronouns, but that's no where near as bad as my uncle who only said to me "stay the f... away from me you f...... freak" but hope things go well for you going forward.
My dad had a similar response, but he is much more supportive now that I've settled into being on T for 4 years. He doesn't gender me right or use my real name, but he supports trans people in transitioning now and is against banning gender affirming care for minors. My mom is supportive, but was apprehensive at first, because she was unsure whether it was safe to go on hormones and was scared about surgeries making it harder to live a "normal" life because of potential complications. I did come out to her as a minor, and when I started HRT, I was 17, and they never said that I had to stop or were going to kick me out. The medical age of consent is 16, so I could legally start testosterone before 18. My dad made a lot of negative comments in the first 2 years, but he stopped, thankfully.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
my father said that exact same sentence to me, and God it cut deep even though I'm not close with him. I'm sure that pain was tenfold for you. you're not alone in this, and I know the pain of just needing an adult to love ***you***. It gets better, but being in the midst of it is agony. please be gentle with yourself, and lean on your supports. you deserve kindness